#[pm me if this isn't good???]
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bad dreams in the night
#limbus company#canto 6#lcb catherine#lcb heathcliff#lcb heathcathy#heathcathy#I'll be 100 with you guys I'm still kombuchagirl.gif about a LOT of the uh. narrative choices PM took.#especially cathy. oh we were robbed. it's not like PM isn't capable of writing perfectly horrible women. it's an art they're good at#which is why lcb cathy was so... surprising to me#UUUUH LITERATURE DWEEB WHINING ASIDE EVERY CATHY/ERLKÖNIG HEATHCLIFF ABSOLUTELY HAVE MY SOUL#be doomed and forlorn together.......#also tee hee i swapped out cathy's dress for the dress kate bush wears in the wuthering heights mv#iconic kate bush remains iconic#OH AND AND AND this goes without saying but this is referencing la belle dame sans merci by sir franck dicksee#and since this art piece isn't exactly an uncommon redraw i have used multiple fanart redraws as reference#but the one that helped me the most was a redraw by kalisami whose work is absolutely stellar#horses are..... hard to draw. even without their heads.
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bad-mom-sister tried to say she had "covid" but wouldn't say where she was, so this was her excuse for why she would be ditching her kids with us for the ongoing third week in a row and we already knew she was lying since everything leading up to this seems like she per-emptively planned on leaving them with us and disappearing (such as bribing me and failing to elaborate it would be longer than what she claimed, and leaving her kids' car seats in my mom's vehicle, which she usually does just before she runs off) but now my brother found intel that she's actually been at another rez the day after she claims to have had covid so at least we know we were right in how she was lying
#my brother is always the one sussing her out because she's stupid enough to post it on social media fhuhfusd#the chain of events goes thus:#the day after my birthday my sister bribes me with $200 (which includes the $100 she owes me)#specifically so that if I take the money then she'll take that as me saying 'yes' to babysitting#(she also lied and said that she asked someone else before me to make it seem like I was her last option. she lied.)#turns out she failed to mention there was an after-school event she and my mother were supposed to attend#but made it sound like I'd only be watching the kids for 8 am to 4 pm. i end up having to watch them for the full day and night#mom comes back. turns out sister didn't even show up for the event because she 'wasn't feeling good'#mom and aunt drive by my sister's apartment. the vehicle she's using isn't there and her apartment is dark.#sister doesn't come home for 3 days despite telling my mom she'd be picking up the kids. she ignores our calls.#the other day she tells my mom she has 'covid' & does not provide evidence of this.#lastly... brother sees a tiktok of her on the other rez the day after she claims to have had covid.
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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PROF IS YAPPING AGAIN
#i hate this class smmm SGHDHD#STRESS *IS* PART OF MENTAL HEALTH WTF U TALKIN ABOUT#THAT ISN'T SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE NORMALIZED#i hate it hereeeEEEeeEEeee#sunnysiderambles#pls let me out of here can it be 7 pm already DGDHD#edit: hes talking nonsense again im killing maiming killing#for a class on theology that is so focused on the welfare and goodness of people he seems to stray away from the lessons every time#thats some next level shit there how does he keep doing it
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Ep 10!
#Idk it was. An episode. Not many thoughts tbh ajhdblabfdl#The Kyouka / Akutagawa scene is my favourite ever. But I suppose there's little to say about them I haven't said already lol.#The “Because I knew a man who had the same eyes as yours” will never stop being endlessly impactful.#And I still find it very remarkable how Kyouka is pretty much literally the only person other than Dazai that Akutagawa respects.#It hits me so hard.#Nothing else to add? I think the storywriting in this arc is very good. The plot twists are very well executed.#I remember when I was reading the manga and Ranpo challenged Chuuya face off I was so hooked!!#I was like‚ how is he going to win!!! It's very nice.#I think it's interesting that Atsushi stayed behind with Kunikida instead of facing the pm with the rest of the pm.#I wish we'd explored his decision and state of mind more‚ especially since he was portrayed as being visibly conflicted.#I think part of it simply solves a storytelling purpose of not leaving Kunikida alone...#But I don't think that necessarily means the decision doesn't suit him. Atsushi really looks up to Fukuzawa.#His trauma probably makes him more reluctant to break orders than‚ let's say‚ Ranpo.#And he's always been very spokenly against violence.#Idk. I just think it's interesting.#The line “Kunikida‚ you're the strongest and most virtuous of us in the Agency. That's why the enemy tried to break you first.”#is very emotional#The animation is so strained it makes me feel bad for the animators. So many static frames lingering for so long...#I feel like the result isn't necessarily terrible either. The drawings are not ugly‚ just very undetailed.#But it really feels like there was a group of people doing the best they could with the llittle they had...#random rambles#And I'm now all caught up with the rewatch!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 See you on Wednesday!!!!!
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In other, good news (For once for me!) my mom and her boyfriend finally agreed to let me carpool with them when we all leave Pittsburgh on Tuesday morning. The bad news is I have to figure out a way that I'm getting to Pittsburgh now last minute because I'll be there longer then them.
#personal#Like I'm coming in on Saturday and they're only coming in on Monday afternoon for a hockey game and then leaving the next morning.#And if I didn't have a tattoo appointment on Monday AND already paid the hotel in full for all my days?#I would have considered just doing the one day myself.#So now I'm sitting here weighing my options. I can either fly in or take the train in... Both have their positives and negatives.#I fucking LOVE taking the train but I don't like the fact that it only puts me in Pitt at like 8 PM at night.#But if I fly in it puts me in Pitt at like 11 in the morning and I would have to find a way to kill 5-6 hours until my hotel check-in.#<- Not to mention I'm like super scared of flying still and it's supposed to be windy here on Saturday.#Which I'm assuming isn't good for planes.#I was just considering making a driving playlist this morning because I thought I was driving the 8 hours total there and back.#Not ANYMORE! Even though I did agree to get behind the wheel for a little bit on the trek back#<- Doubt I will have to though because my mom's boyfriend is like the 'big man' and will NOT let me drive his car.
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thinking about it. if Naomi was somehow related to the PM or Mori (like another theories i've seen around mentioned) wouldn't it be so awesome and cool if Atsushi was there firsthand to unveil the secret, given that he's the only one who knows about it (partially)
#oooo you want Atsushi to be transferred to the pm so so so bad 🌀🌀#good afternoon today isn't a good day to be online for me. but i can't pass an opportunity to talk about pm atsushi#btw if the next arc does not do anything with Naomi i'm going to be so pissed off#lazutxt
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PMS sucks because I hate myself, and I want to cry and give up on everything, and I KNOW it's PMS and it'll pass, and I'm not being reasonable, but it doesn't matter because I'm just so irritable and sad.
#i'm so sad i want to scream#pms used to not affect me at all#then i started getting irritable#but i can always recognize it for what it is#but this time I'm just soooo sad#i feel like all the hard work i do will never be enough#i'll never be good at art#and i'll never be good at writing#and i'll always be weak#and i'll never like my body#i'm so sorry for rambling#i know this isn't the usual vibe of my blog#i just want to rant because i'm so so so sad#i might delete this later
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Hiatus
I am going on hiatus for a bit more. I really really hoped the stuff that have been going on lately were already "sorted out" but, uhm... they aren't. I need to take a bit more time offline once again, and try to work things out.
Thank you for your patience ❤
Wren
#EDIT: I've deactivated my IG for a bit because it wasn't helping at all. I'll be back there but I need time#wren text tag#somehow issues from mid July/early August have managed to get worse. Like I'm not even surprised bc I'm used to it but GIRL . What the fuck#“it's finally summer”+“can't wait to draw!” * gets 3 hiatus in a row * maybe drawing or summer isn't really meant to be 🤨🤔#I hate having to log-in to post a hiatus message and then dissapear again when I'm supposed to post my doodles n have fun#Feels like one of those jesters that appears at luncheon to entertain the royal court and then they go missing for the rest of the month#bc I'm trying very hard not to hide in my shell + having a bit more presence here to post my artwork#and somehow I fail at both like fucking heck. How can you be so bad at this.#but in short I won't be here to answer stuff and being silly or whatever people expect me to do#because if you're here for the silly stuff. MAN. I'm am sorry but I don't feel silly at all.#Somebody once said “the horrors are never ending yet I remain silly” but I forgot the “remain silly” part#And if you're here for drawings. I don't even have time and I don't feel like drawing at all. Idk which one is worse#The bakery hangs up the “closed today” so people know they have to go to buy bread somewhere else. Same here. But it won't last a day#idk why the bread analogy. Guess I'm a birb after all#this is also the closest thing to a vent post I will ever write and I managed to say nothing at all. Vagueposting about vent. Good job Wren#tw: vent#tagging in case somebody like me needs to have some tags filtered#the hiatus will go on also a bit longer because the last few weeks my mental health suffered a lot and I know my limit#also this post was queued. If I see I can still be active before publishing I will delete it otherwise see for yourself#also queue doesn't work ig like I programmed this for 9 pm hopefully it will be up by then and not any other random time
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bad. doing bad
#IT'S HELL IN THERE IT'S HORROR (slept without a shirt like a psychopath and the cramps woke me up)#5 hours of sleep again okay it is whatever. but the cramps. the mood swings. i. want. birth control.#+ the first day which isn't a full day is always alright‚ sometimes good bc for example this time i could feel that the pms stopped but#it didn't hurt or anything yet. and then the second day (really the first if we're counting that other day as zero) sucks balls#at the end of the day it doesn't matter. i just wish i had other parts!
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I don't want to go to class
#this isn't a good sign#tbh I'm still pissed off a little about last week#I'm anxious over if they're gonna tell me something#but i think that's just pms depression#i did force myself to go grocery shopping tho
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The funniest thing I wholeheartedly believe is that I have a neurodivergency not catergorizable or diagnosable as any currently recognized disorder. (disorder emphaized because heavily impairing functioning is generally a requirement of the clinical definition and a condition of diagnosis, and although i'm vexed i still Get By Just Fine)
because like yes those probably exist; there's no way psychiatry is in its final form now and there are definitely levels of neuro-difference that don't qualify as disorders, but like. that's so random and it's kinda pretentious to make such a bold claim about yourself. like oh u wanna be special, huh? 🙄 just be AuDHD like everyone else (<- joking)
#look the Mental Illness is bad frequently enough the PMS prolly is exasterbating SOMETHING but what?? who knows#maybe testorterone would fix me... i'm afriad but i've been thinking about trying it a lot#i've been so clsoe to having persistant depression (looking back something was wrong with me in middle school???)#but it just isn't consistant and strong enough to be dysthymia#cuz like i don't feel sad so much as i just feel. psychologically unwell. maybe i've just always been stressed.#the lack of focus being a PMS symtpom is too real tho once i found that out i was like. damn that's why i thought i had ADHD sometimes and#then i wouldn't.#my autism score test ONLY being outside of 100% allistic range on the social stuff....#but i'm not a poor enough communicator for that to be a disorder#like there's all these little parts and they don't come together in the shape of anything i know#anxiety but not as bad as my mom who can't even get diagnosed bc it doesn't impair her functioning -'trich' but i don't pull; i snap or cut#but i'm still going to see a gyncologist bc PMS is the only lead i've got#i am goign to bring up T but tbh i think that's outside of their domains....#i wish menopause didn;t exist bc typical birth control is NOT an option bc high risk of hormone-positive breast cancer#but blocking my menstrual cycle would honestly be my dream outcome#but my understanding is if i don't replace E with T i just go into menopause and htne like. well my mom's going through it now and it#doesnt seem like. a good time.#I said this#personal
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"God i hate shuichi SO much he's so pathetic and annoying i wish he died instead of-" 💥💥💥🔫
#mindless chatter#rant#shuichi saihara#Listen i get it. I do i know he's not everyone's favorite#But some of shuichi's haters are so...... good Lord#maybe its cuz i relate and like him a lot but yall are so ruthless and for what#like yknow what.. maybe he isn't that good at being murder cases...... BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER MEANT TO#HIS PREVIOUS DETECTIVE LIFE WAS DEDICATED TO INFIDELITY CASES AND SMALLER SHIT#OFC HE'S NO KYOKO WHY DO YOU THINK HE COMPARES HIMSELF TO HER SM#and how shuichi suffers so Much mentally but noo he's a damn emo boy.......... side EYE#ik most or whatever amount of the hate are jokes but like man i just.. do not Care#Let me browse through his tags online in Peace#This is.. dumb#dont mind me. Its 1030 pm im tired and im a lil bitch about my faves#Normal me is like respect peoples opinions c:#Mental illness me is like THEY HATE CHARACTER? BEAT THEM WITH METAL PIPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I could also apply this to gonta and kaito#But hate for them is less common and more so stuff like#They're dumb as rock and (instead thing that literally isnt them)#Like okay you can say you didn't pay jack shit anout them its fine#Okay thats enough goodbye (walks away with my ass out)
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college assignments are far better than high school assignments in that they feel far less arbitrary and are actually spaced out semi appropriately and make sense. however. why the fuck is this singular essay 25% of my ENTIRE CLASS GRADE. hi. hello?
#nightmare.personal#like. i get it okay we don't have many assignments this weighting makes sense in that context#but like. holy SHIT dude.#trying to keep good grades in college is going to be the fucking death of me i think#everyone says its unimportant my parents say its Very Important and i say well i want to not die while writing this#deep breaths. its okay its due at 5 pm i have sooooo much time <- this isn't a ton of time
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today’s been a bad day and one of my friends is practically begging me to let him vent to me and my other friend is picking a fight right now and i can’t remember the last time i saw another person aside from my girlfriend. she makes it better but makes everything worse. i have a meeting tomorrow i swore i’d sleep early for but now i just. i don’t know what i want.
#it's weird because like... i'm the lucky one? the good one? the fine one? what's even the word for this#i'm not causing drama i'm handling things fine i'm making plans.#but i feel like i'm fucking breaking#and it's just PMS but i've felt uneasy for the entire last two months i just#i feel like i was in a stupor where i had to keep seeing my girlfriend or else everything would fall apart#but it's been a while since i last saw someone that wasn't my girlfriend. since last wednesday i guess.#and now any time she texts me i literally just want to tear my hair out like#i'm not this person this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i feel literally plastic.#everything i say is like. someone's already said the exact same thing. i can't do conversations right i can't do them unique.#on friday when i was with my girlfriend i felt wrong the entire fucking time#i think part of that was because i really don't like kissing to be honest#but also because like. i was not a human being. that was not a person in there#i felt neutral. we watched a show and i couldn't keep track of anything that happened#and i was resting against her but i couldn't like. remember it. feel it.#every time i get like this i KNOW if i just sleep i'll feel okay again#but that doesn't even feel real. when was the last time i actually felt a positive feeling?#it was a few hours ago but like. gone. whatever. discarded.#why did i think a healthy relationship would fix it?#neg#dont rb
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