#[[i like to make myself suffer ig]]
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looking at the europapa tour dates like 🧍♀️
#i like to make myself suffer ig#mfer why cant you come to spain im trying to go to one of your shows❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️#id love to get tickets even if that means i have to travel abroad but i have no one to go with and i dont even know how id do it its a lot🥲#so ill just sit here and cry a little#raquel speaks
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day 55 drawing len until my preorder arrives
auuhhhh i miss my wacom :[[ heres some more awful art tho 👍
requests temporarily closed >_<;
#my art#art#kagamine len#vocaloid fanart#vocaloid#drawing len everyday until my preorder arrives#sorry to anyone who follows me... plz do not lose faith in my ability to make good art i can do it when i get my wacom cord..#it feels slightly bad to post art to get like 2 reblogs if im lucky but if uyou want to feel appreciated you have to earn it ig...#but i cant even make at least decent art for people without my wacom so i guess i jsut suffer for now. :[[#i miss painting on my wacom even tho i overworked myself so much#sorry im going insane without the ability to make good art
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed#and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but#like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get#her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp#but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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Eda gets a Yatter account (based on a conversation I had with @soundcrusher, ft. @thewiglesswonder‘s oc Mac - or, well, her Yatter account)
full image:
(and without the green optic filter)
#tachyon-art#transformers#maccadam#tfa#transformers oc#oc: eda of unicron#sentinel prime#the rest are just yatter accounts so i dont think i'll tag for em#yes this is based on the 'well i can pick him up like this' cat#soundcrusher when you see this i swear ill draw flinch & other autobots but I had to get this out of my system#& wig thank you for being patient & letting me ask about yatter handles#REALIZING THIS TOOK ME 3 HOURS#dedication to the craft ig#YES this is also the yatter page from the almanac vol2 but slightly edited because WHY in god's name would I make a bg myself#that being said the bg from the sentinel picture is also from one of the almanacs. thank you tfa almanacs#anyway I hope this is funny. sideways is making a cameo too see if you can find it#and for those of you who would call me a sentinel enjoyer know that i do this to torment him. i want him to suffer for his arrogance#(kept the trending yatts the same because this picture wouldve probably been taken while they were still relevant)
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I need someone to tell me it's okay if I don't take the exam tomorrow (when I'm sick) but in two months
#it would literally have zero negative effect on my studies if just took the exam later. i just#feel like such a failure that I cant push through ig#*bonking myself with a paper tube* suffering isnt redemptive suffering wont make you better#i just need. an outside source to corroborate that. would be genuinely helpful#crowdsourcing my mental state
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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#Woha... Alright read the chapter 🫡#It's just. I get where Fukuchi is coming from and I feel like after rereading it the whole thing was a little more clear but...#Did it *really* have to be so complicated. Like dude did it **really** have to be so complicated.#Maybe it had to idk. After all I'm always the first to say that a complex reality can't be reduced to simple axioms–#and that semplifications never bring anything good.#But at the same time was there REALLY no other way#Couldn't you promote your ideas diplomatically instead. Couldn't you become a democratic activist or politician.#Couldn't you write a book�� person named OUCHI FUKUCHI#Also couldn't you? Talk about it with someone before executing your crazy plan so that anyone else might have pointed to you how crazy it i#But I suppose the whole central theme of this arc ultimately was “people who try to do everything by their own are destined to fall”#And to an extent it does still feel kinda self-contradictory of a plan. Like ahah my plan included not to make anyone suffer!!!#[turns half world population into a vampire]#Like c'mon? Violations of human rights can happen even without killing people dude#(Also Akutagawa)#(Like I get it he's only one (1) person. But he's also the only (only) person for me so I can't bring myself to ignore him y'know)#Mmmmmhhhhhh that's of the main things ig. I YELLED when they brought up Max Weber and the what-is-a-state question#That's like. One of the main questions my whole life studies centers on.#The adrenaline that gave me to see it mentioned in my current hyperfixation ahfjvafjhcvlawsvfblwhkv#This chapter was just so so political theories packed I felt like I was just still studying lol.#I feel like this was a true “get why bsd is labelled as seinen”.#You just can't do this kind of in-depth political theory discussion in shonen manga ig#What else. Still patiently waiting for ss/kk 😔#random rambles
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was going through my blog trying to track down an old post i made talking abt my feelings on jolene and it was. much longer than i remembered it being. and haha yeah i still agree with it. i need to fucking. sort out my feelings on that character and that subplot
#like. its just been A Thing where once i thought abt it too hard it was just Wow i hate this actually#its not entirely like a visceral discomfort but its a sort of like. its unpleasant to think abt this for too long#like??? the easiest way for me to explain it is that normally its fine like ok a pursuer antagonist character to add lil backstory#but the moment you toss in the implication that she still has romantic feelings for him it jumps up to WOW THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE#for me. for me. like just all of it? and some fan stuff that influenced it like. bad jokes and uncomfy phrasing that leans to linebeck bein#like an unwilling participant or ‘giving in’ like fan stuff also REALLY hasnt helped so i just. yknow avoid it#salty talks#might delete later but i didnt delete the og so whatever#like she is absolutely just. badly written. shes a joke and poorly written and its just. there and there are implications#it does just come down to. shes badly written and the way linebeck reacts to all of it doesnt help#like when i worry abt like. coming off as sexist. its like nah shes just fucking badly written#casca is a similar kind of character as someone aggressive to her love interest and lashing out at him despite having feelings#but shes like. well written. and guts reciprocates. and you like. see them communicate and grow closer#here youre just given a disastrous fucking aftermath where communication is completely broken down#and while the aggressive party still has feelings the other party actively wants to just not engage with it and actively doesnt care#cuz like. he literally does not bring her up or allude to her outside of her being immediately relevant i cannt see him being interested#GOD. i just need to write all this out i keep justifying myself with it i need to. get it out#im narrowing down. something. for how i think their backstory together goes with it being a lot of miscommunication and it just being like#a bad situation anyways with their last actual encounter being a violent one and its like yeah no that was a trainwreck#i know its a fucking like. comedic(????) subplot in a lighthearted childrens game#but it has Vibes to me and that game does have some darker vibes to it we all know that#and it just. i dont like her. i dont. i remember i used to be like. alright with her. and then i thought on it too much#casca addendum ig. shes objectively not like. well well written. but all things considered. shes pretty good#like im p sure she was made to suffer to make guts feel bad but. she does happen to be a kickass character in the midst of that
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-pained noises in the distance-
i updated...the masterlists....
just the main and beastfolks ones tho but ig i oughta think about making one for my hc..........
-MORE PAINED NOISES IN THE DISTANCE-
#☠️monster is whispering...#will delete later#☠️not writing...#[[i like to make myself suffer ig]]#[[i hate organizing things only because i suck at them]]#[[insert dying whale sounds here]]#[[...anyway ima ATTEMPT to work on more hc rq soon so wish me luck dffjdjjjj]]
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ok so I was in the denial stage for 2 days and now I'm just feeling empty, like I can't feel anything
I hate when this happens, I hate not being able to feel
I'm used to all my feelings being at 200% all the time and when they're suddenly all gone it's like there's a very important part of me that's missing
how am I supposed to function now without them?
I think I skipped both the anger and bargaining stage (which is normal for me I never really get angry when someone dies and I think bargaining is more a thing religious people tend to do)
anyway I just want my emotions back, that would be nice, preferably soon because I can't just be in bed for 2 more days I have shit to do tomorrow
#sometimes I think if I punch myself the pain will kick-start my emotions again but I've tried it many times before and it never works#all I can do is wait it out ig#I hate this#and I hate it because then I look at horrible stuff that's happening of my friends will be sad and I can't feel anything#and that makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I can't feel sad for my friends or the people suffering#how am I supposed to provide them with comfort if I can't feel for them?#I still try to do it but it's hard to emulate the same behaviour when I can't feel#even though I've done it so many times before#so I should have memorised the recipe by now right?
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I think this is the time where I go back and try to research the fics of past and see what I liked about them and how they did things so I can try to know how to write yummy yummy fics slightly more then I currently do
#i feel like one of those people who grew up not having learnt to cook at all and suddenly needing the ability to cook#like for the sake of basic life skills and having to learn from scratch how to make things taste the way the yummy homecooked meals#that they are used to eating and like struggling immensely#writing fics for myself feels so different from what I have been used to all throughout my education and I am currently drowning#I am drowning and hopefully I’ll figure out how to float soon#anyways I’m tired and actually have no idea what I’m doing rn and probably won’t have the time anyway so oh well ig#i’ll just suffer with my thoughts#(also this is all bc I want to write abt being pet by Clarence so umm I- I’ll just leave and rest until my ailment cures on its own 😭)#anyways I have no clue what I am doing or talking abt and I wonder how I will react tmr morning when I may or may not read this#DJSNDBSBHENDANXHSBDHJEFHSBDJW
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6.2.24 🎉🫥
#I brought cake to work because I gues you have to#colleague asked me what are you going to do tonight#I said not much I think#another done said jeez you’re 26 and not doing anything#and I answered oh yeah that’s for the weekend which is true but still#I’m just so down I don’t even have the energies to pretend it’s fine#I was about to cry#I think I’ll spend the day eating and crying#it’s really great how it only gets worse with time#they say at some point things get only get better but truth is it can always get worse#yesterday tho I almost lost my phone by leaving it at the zelfkassa at the Albert Heijn. thank god I realised it run back & it was t#nothing really make sense and I’m tired of sending cvs#there’s nothing I like and I have to pretend I like everything and everything is cool#i replied in a very dry way to my family wishes bc of how bad I’ve been feeling#I’ll probably eventually just throw something on ig and have 2 people say hbd#it’s all about suffering#this weekend I’ll go to Sweden if things go according to plan and will probably feel like crying most of the time there too#by myself in some hostel bc my friends are too busy for me#there’s always some god eating your heart out right#I think I’ll spend a good amount of time blinding myself with tears#I can’t wait to go to the psychologist
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Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me
#like. I think this is mostly the same as I felt before starting the antibiotics but like. kinda worse?#like I don't wanna die I'm just tired of being alive. I wanna make myself live but suffer almost#and it's like. I don't Really want that. but my brain thinks I do and idk how to deal with that#I thought I did bcuz I've been dealing with it literally my entire life but it's like. it feels Different now somehow?#like it feels like now that I know I'm capable of doing it. I almost don't trust my brain to stay in the passive mode?#like im reading too far into my 'normal' thoughts/feelings.#which doesn't entirely make sense bcuz I have 'attempted' in the past. but I didn't actually Do anything ig. just prepared it but didn't do#idk. idk how I'm feeling or what's going on or which meds if any are doing this and I don't like it and I want it to stop#or at least go back to being active abt it so I can say hey listen I'm gonna do this pls take the dangerous stuff away for a bit or smth#idfk man I'm just so fucking sick of my brain. I hate everything it seems to be doing lately. it can't fucking work or cooperate or anything#I'm trying to be nice to my brain since I know there's a lot going on with it but it's like. brother. can you help me out here At All.#armchair speaks#suicide mention#tw suicide mention
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me: i hate drawing hair
also me: always spends the most time drawing the most complicated hair
#i say i'm gonna develop a more simplistic style but every time i try it doesn't stick#i just like suffering for the art ig#i'm drawing day two of chuuya week and ignoring i'm a day behind#making myself sad with the concept i chose#eee rant#art#artists on tumblr#bsd#chuuya
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i kinda fucked up cutting my bangs now i look like a toddler who grabbed scissors and just started cutting
#FUCKKK#i like to make myself suffer sometimes#i thought it would be funny but ig depending on the day it looks good 😭
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