#[ and life sucks but i want to !! be here !! ]
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I hope leftists who think theyāre above voting for president or are voting for Jill Stein or whoever because itās their stupid way of protesting the system feel good about themselves, especially if Trump wins partly because of your negligence š I know youāre not doing shit to plan the proletarian revolution, especially before January, so you guys better not complain about something harming you that you didnāt even bother to try and change
(edit: changed the last part bc I wrote āā¦if life gets a lot worse for youā cause that does nottt sound right at all and I apologize for writing that)
#if you have the option to help make change and do nothing then thatās your fault#ah yes! taking absolutely no action! that'll show the corrupt two-party system!#Iām literally a leftist too I donāt like aligning with the democrat party either but likeā¦ what other choice do we have right now#why not just vote for the one who sucks less#also you do know Jill Stein and Rudolph Ware donāt give a fuck about you or any leftist issues right#like theyāre literally just there to get in the way for people who are too dumb to realize theyāre basically just handing a vote to Trump#sorry for my raging here we see that I am very nervous for this election lol#and i know i'm being dramatic i don't actually want life to get worse for anyone but like... if you're anti-trump but don't vote for kamala#you're basically just getting what you asked for#american politics#vote blue#us politics#i know trump supporters are the ones to be angrier with ofc but this type of people are really irritating too#breaking: 20-year-old chronically online tumblr user changes the minds of thousands last-minute by ranting (/s)
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More silly and fun practice sketches on the Victorian Era FOP AU lol. Just gonna post them here first while we're still developing this and busy with our real-life duties as students.
There's actually a ton of my thoughts in the alt text of these images lol. I hope it's still there. I will also include the links of the existing posts relating to this AU to keep track of what has been created.
Origin Discussion Posts
Updated Character Designs 1
Updated Character Designs and Concepts 2
Concept Art 1: Boy with a Parasol
Tumblr Asks 1
Credit: @keyintheeye-blog original creator and the default character designer of this Victorian Era FOP AU.
I will post my other thoughts (something like a what's happening update) on the repost of this later. Gotta get back to my unavoidable university duties... Have a nice day tho š
#victorian dark fae fop au lol#the fairly oddparents#fairly oddparents#fop#fop au#timmy turner#wanda fairywinkle cosma#cosmo fairywinkle cosma#fop timmy#fop cosmo#fop wanda#sketches#concept art#infinite painter#usagifuyusummerart2024#art#victorian era#an attempt lmao#i hope you're not squeamish with unrealistic depiction of blood on cosmo lmao. plus i hope you're doing well keyintheeye-blog!#uni stuff is really draining my energy. the dilemma of doing what you have to do versus what you want to do is real...#still can't be online but will be talking about some real-life stuff mixed in with some of my insane thoughts later here i need to sleep lol#redesign#fashion#cartoon fanart#nickelodeon#you can see i suck at a lot of things here lol. wings are so hard... plus scaling character sizes lmao. gotta continue with the tumblr asks#tags might change if formatting is fucked up#practice sketches
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Unpopular almost blasphemous labru opinion time: kabru would so be into getting flavour profiled actually hed be like. Oh citrus notes interesting. And then he'd have a small crisis about not being able to do the same for Laios BUT he can tell him how quickly he would die if he stabbed him in whatever part he's kissing and that's just as sexy
#labru#nsft text#so much fanfic in which laios is like 'oh you taste almost like..' and kabru is like NO and im sorry esteemed scholars i gotta disagree#its an interesting thing to know!#now if you dont want to go to the trouble of describing taste because its a pain in the ass i respect that#wow but ive been talking a lot about laios eating kabru out lately. it has been a very dry pride month over here what can i say#kabru *sucking a mark into laios' tigh* and you see youd think this is safe but actually an important artery passes here#*resting his ear on the spot* i can even hear your heartbeat!!! *big smile* you'd bleed out in ten minutes#laios *harder than hes ever been in his life* what if. what if you stabbed my dick#kabru *still smiling* not yet#laios: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEE
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NO OK BUT I'M STILL NOT OVER BOOTHILL AND DAN HENG AND THE JADE ABACUS IN ENA'S DREAM!!!!!
For some extra context, I have a whole henghill manifesto I wrote over here, but the tl;dr is that Dan Heng decides to use the Jade Abacus of Allying Oath to save the Express Crew the first time. Boothill urges him to think it over carefully, but he doesn't stop him. And then, the second time Dan Heng decides to use it, we get this instead:
And just! That's so!! so!!!
Because like. We see in the first battle against Sunday that that Jade Abacus is effective, like we really do just get an entire army lead by a whole-ass Emanator of The Hunt right to our location and ready to fuck shit up. It's important. It's incredibly valuable. That is a huge amount of power to hold in the palm of one's hand.
But Tiernan's relic works the same way.
Galaxy Rangers are terribly dangerous. Boothill comments on this when discussing Acheron's motives, because he can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to get The Hunt on their asses. They're considered to be on a level even above The Annihilation Gang.
And now, with the burial relic, he has a way to get thousands of them, almost immediately, and all in one place.
And you can't tell me that wouldn't be something extremely useful to Boothill, like literally life-saving. He's wanted by the IPC. He makes his living as a bounty hunter. His whole driving motivation in life right now is to do whatever he can, up to and including throwing away his own human body, to ruthlessly hunt down one man and kill him in revenge. Like that has to be dangerous, the IPC is a massive entity with far-reaching influence and money and power and weaponry. He surely must have already had some close calls.
Like can you imagine it? Galaxy Rangers are solitary creatures. If Boothill were to find himself near death, he would probably be all alone. Do you think he had regrets? Did he wonder if anyone would find his own burial relic? Did it feel the same way it did when they melted his flesh, replaced it with metal? Did he lay there with his vision slowly blacking out until he thought of home, and family, and the little daughter who he never even got to hear her first word, until he was so full of fury that he could prop himself up on his rage like a crutch and find help?
Tiernan's relic would have been like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Just for one time, no matter where Boothill was, someone would find him. The Galaxy Rangers aren't sociable or organized between themselves, but they help their own. Someone would save him.
He chooses to give all of that up to help Dan Heng.
And I just cannot get over it, especially the wording of it, the pause before he speaks, the gentle way he tells him to hold onto his once-in-a-lifetime treasure...!! He wants Dan Heng to leave this to him! He wants him to keep this precious item that will help him save his companions again in the future! And maybe it's just...wishful thinking, me reading too much into it? But I mean. Just the way he says it...
I really do think it comes from a place of deep kinship and respect. That there's a lot of thought and feeling behind that statement. Something from one Pathstrider of The Hunt to another. Boothill fought for his home and his family, he fought really really hard! But. Sometimes that just doesn't matter. And now he's watching Dan Heng fight for his, too.
When he made that decision the first time, Dan Heng was in the parlor car of the Astral Express. He was completely removed from any danger. He could have chosen to get the hell out of Dodge and not look back. Obviously we know he would never even consider such a thing, but it was technically an option, and Boothill watched him decide to go back into the proverbial lion's den for his friends anyway. And I'm sure that was part of what sealed his decision, to later use Tiernan's relic instead of the Jade Abacus to summon enough people to disrupt Ena's Dream. Because he greatly values ideas like righteousness and justice and saving people, and Dan Heng so beautifully embodies all of that and then some.
Boothill doesn't have people to protect anymore, only ghosts to avenge.
And there is just something so endlessly endearing about him wanting to help Dan Heng, to make sure his friend doesn't go through that the way he did.
#honkai star rail#henghill#boothill#dan heng#hsr#hsr boothill#hsr dan heng#bootheng#I feel like I'm just repeating myself a bunch and not saying anything orz#spinning my tires#do you get me. do you feel me.#do you understand my vision#does the blood in your mouth taste the same as mine.#I'm frothing at the mouth over here Hoyo how dare you get me so into a ship OTL#there are few things that get me in the heart so hard as 'character loses everything and uses it to make sure no one else goes through that#just#ARGH#Because Dan Heng has suffered so much in his life but it's never been this specific kind of loss.#He never had any kind of family to lose in the first place. He didn't until Himeko took him in.#But Boothill has been through all that and it sucked and he already really likes and relates to Dan Heng.#they're like two goofy little peas in a pod haha#so of course he wants to protect him#How could his heart not be swayed by him?
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thinking about compiling screenshots of golden/silver age batman exclusively calling dick his ward to combat the allegations that it was āinitially a father-child relationshipā
#dc#batman#brudick#i donāt even ship it#i think i'm still mad at the poll when people were trying to refute the brudick points#by saying shippers are also biased and ignoring the history and that it really was a familial relationship early on#me the only asshole on this website enough of dumbass to try to read early batman āno it fucking wasn'tā#if you hate the ship fine but don't back up your argument with complete lies#the pro-brudick camp has receipts which gives them way more validity than the haters#i'm sure somewhere out there there's dick grayson pre-crisis saying bruce is like a father to him#there's so many comics and i've barely scratched the surface#but i did read both the first golden age compilation book of batman and silver age world's finest compilation#and neither of them say anything like that#and no āhis ward dick graysonā is how he's called constantly it's one of the stock phrases in the ever present narration#early comics fundamentally didn't understand they were a visual medium and are full of very tedious and unnecessary text panels#and to be fair each issue needed to function as an intro to someone who had never heard of batman and robin before so#āand his ward dick graysonā#every damn time#their relationship was adult man and his plucky kid sidekick he inexplicably hangs out with#which doesn't make sense and doesn't parallel to real life real social interaction#but neither does a man going in a batsuit to fight crime#and the out-of-universe explanation is because this comic was aimed at kids who were supposed to project onto dick grayson#and the kids want to be batman's kid-partner not his kid-son#it's not that complicated this trope still exists today#kid who should not be here but is because it's a kids' show/book/movie/etc#i stg i'm gonna become a brudick shipper out of spite at this point#and WHILE I'M COMPLAINING i am also going to be mad at the people who get all up-in-arms#about all the evil heroes doing child endangerment on their poor abused sidekicks#should there be kid heroes? no but cape comics would suck without them so stop complaining and enjoy yourselves#RL vigilantism is also always bad stop bringing real world standards into this they don't apply
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act i scene i: older, childless, bachelor Barbarian!Bakugo finds you six months pregnant hiding in an empty stable during one of his clan raids--and instead of slaughtering you as a much younger him might've done...he throws you onto his cart of treasures and decides to take you home so he can start the family he never had with you and your child as his bride and baby.
#bakugo#i actually wrote a bunch out for this but i dont like it and it's too long so here you go#if i work on it some more tonight ill reblob this with it#but for now heres the premise (it's dark srry):#sh*t gets weird ofc#im imagining you got preggo at the last raid you went through but managed to survive#so it's not like you want the child anyway#and when he raids your village like lowk you dont care bc it isnt your home . plus youre not even expecting to survive#since you have no husband and are incapacitated with baby#so youre just waiting to die essentially but then this sexy barbarian saves you thinking hes being ... nice#bakugo is like. well now is a good time as any since idf like anyone in my village#and youre just like dam this sucks#anyway LMFAOOOOOO then youre in his house having this baby and the whole town is invested in this tea#and not only does bakugo have to win you over ... he has to convince u life is worth living#and that he's really gonna be the dad to your baby#you try running away after giving birth and ofc u cant do it and he has to rescue you#and youre so upset#but he washes you up and scolds you in his tongue for being stupid#and hes not gonna keep u forever if its not what u want but#he really does want the baby and you if youll have him#and everyone is rooting for him and likes u so much#even tho ur like a feral mama cat#jfalsdjkfladksjf#gen#shii posts#pregnancy tw
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#10 second untagged shitposts will get 100k but the moment im pround of something no one gives a shit!! i dont suck that much at it!!#and i hate pointing it out because im not entitled to notes no one owes me anything#but man it sucks the life out of me every single time#i admit the last one i posted is kinda niche and messy but this happens with my better fanarts made of popular media too#my one drawing to get above 100 notes is a little kark@t doodle#for a while i refused to draw because i wanted aknowledgement for it. dont be like me kids. draw for the drawer#and also draw for your roommate whose eyes nearly pop out of their skull over the mildest body horror#augh i was so pround of the body horror one too but i had to delete that from here due to the 5 whole notes it got#my french teacher said it looked cool though so whose winning
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this is what i think of when third party voters go around acting morally superior because they don't want to get their hands dirty like the rest of us. they're toddlers having temper tantrums because instead of using the system in a way that could benefit them in the long term like the extremist Republicans have been doing for decades, third party voters refuse to participate in local civics & then claim the entire country is already fascist. they're so cute in their naivety if they think the US can't get any worse.
what the fuck do you think will happen if you try to protest against a government with a military as massive, lethal, & expensive as ours. who do you think will be sacrificed first? oh what's that? crickets? thought so. i'm a white woman but i will absolutely use my voice to point out leftists can be racist as fuck & the anti-blackness in your spaces can be absolutely fucking wild. not everyone leftist is white, but many that are can be pretty problematic.
if you think i'm selfish then fine. if you state that you would gladly exchange my life for a Palestinian like one of you said in a comment to me a few weeks ago then fine. i'm out here fighting to make sure the people who live here in this country don't experience our own Holocaust.
if you have a problem with people wanting to fight this while claiming you're anti-genocide, you're a fucking liar & a hypocrite. you won't know what the fuck to do in a true fascist country. i don't doubt there are pockets of fascism already existing here but you thinking it's already the worst it can be is as infuriating as people who think the government is creating their massive hurricanes using weather machines. you sound just as childish & delusional. you already sound like children because you will never take responsibility for your choices if it ends up helping him win.
jill stein's campaign is a sham. she is deliberately running as a spoiler. she's a wealthy white woman who lives in a mostly white affluent neighborhood. she's going around lecturing black people about white supremacy. she is getting funds from Republicans as well as help from trump's lawyers. Lockheed Martin has given her money. she's involved in shady as fuck index funds for companies that harm the environment. she only started talking about Gaza during this election cycle to hit you in the feelings so she can bank on it. she made a whole stink about needing a recount, raised a bunch of money for that, & then that money disappeared who knows where. do you all hear this? do you care? no, you're just like maga with their orange Jesus. you don't give a FUCK about stein's red flags because she's "different."
if Harris loses & you blame anyone but yourselves, you're cowardly traitors who threw us regular Americans to the wolves because of your precious fucking principles. history has shown time & time again that protest voting typically allows something worse to take control. it's hardly ever beneficial to the people. you're vile. you don't want to make this world a better place by allowing so many near you to suffer & die. if both sides are the same then please tell me you're okay with another trump presidency. or just shut the fuck up.
i look forward to more potentially heartwarming messages saying that my life doesn't mean shit from people who allegedly are against the death penalty & are pro-human rights š„°
please vote, don't stop talking about Project 2025, etc. i hope enough of us vote in a way that these pathetic third party voters don't gain any kind of traction. at this point i'm just angry at their hypocrisy when they don't even listen to other protestors who live here & are begging them to not vote third party. i refuse to listen to y'all not take responsibility for your part. Project 2025 will hurt us all but apparently you're okay with that or you think it's already here. smooth brain takes all around. anyways good luck & stay safe to anyone who votes blue š
#third party#green party#jill stein#jill stein is a putin plant#jill stein sucks#she will save no one#she can't even call putin a war criminal#do y'all not care about Ukraine#or do they deserve this treatment as well#y'all are so anti war you're more than happy to see it happen tee hee#you're not morallu superior#you're a selfish child#i would like to protect our most vulnerable here#your lack of voting for harris isn't hurting her#it's hurting the rest of us#in the end we'll all be screwed if he wins#the revolution isn't going to happen the way you want it#the fascists here are extremely well organized and have been playing a long game#the leftists in this country are nowhere near this organized or backed up#i kind of fucking hate you#so i look forward to more messages about how my life doesn't matter#you sure showed the system lmao#us politics#please vote#vote blue#let's drown out these selfish naive voters#project 2025#stop project 2025#agenda 47#kamala harris
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I just think Tallulah gets to be upset about this. āItās not Wilburās faultā āHeās not a bad dadā āHe loves his daughter so muchā yes! These are all true! And itās not his fault! But heās still not there. And Tallulah has gone through so much and still hasnāt seen him, the one time he was around was the one time she wasnāt, and all she has are letters and āIām thinking of you alwaysā and things that used to be theirs together, but heās still not there. Sheās waited and sheās been patient and sheās loved him all the same, and heās still not there. Like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, from the happy milestones to the traumatic events, heās still not there.
She knows that itās not his fault, but it doesnāt change the fact that heās absent. That in and of itself just adds to the sorrow, because she knows why heās gone, and sheās been told time and time again it doesnāt mean he doesnāt care, she knows this - it doesnāt mean it doesnāt sting, that it doesnāt hurt, that she doesnāt yearn for her father to be there more than anything in the world, and heās just not there.
So yes, she gets to be upset, and be caustic, and stomp her feet and write bitter messages, and be angry and vitriolic, because sheās a little girl missing her father, who feels things with her whole heart and soul - and that means she gets to feel the ugly parts of it, too.
#itās like no wilbur isnāt at fault. especially if weāre talking about cc wilbur. but fuck man of course sheās gonna feel like this#this doesnāt make wilbur a bad person! heās just a missing one. and Tallulah feels all the misery and bitterness as a daughter left behind#where is her father kissing her injuries and reassuring her? where is her father protecting her? hugging her at the end of the day?#Wil isnāt around to do this and she wants him back and heās not going to be back. not for a while. and itās not his fault but it doesnāt#stop it from being upsetting. sheās a little girl#and at least she has phil. her dad. whoās there time and time again. and it doesnāt make him somehow morally better or wtevr. heās there an#Wil is not. and heās going to continue to be there as a solid figure in tallulahs life that she needs#idk man like. fuck#lmao relating my own experiences from here below in the tags āļø#as someone whoās been in that position? a parent absent for reasons outside of control? yeah itās sucks. and I love them and they love me#*with a parent I mean I wasnāt the parent lmao#and it will never be the same. and when they were gone and missing things I was furious at them#that resentment grows and then it fades and sometimes bitterness strikes again and itās how it goes. love is still there#and itās no oneās fault. it just is. and what is is messy#anyways#mcyt#qsmp#q!tallulah#q!wilbur#z speaks
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#my little brother is engaged :/#donāt know if any of you remember me posting about the whole situation like 8 months ago but i feel soo weird#and sad because i want to b happy for him but heās six yrs older than her and sheās 19..#or i guess twenty now maybe whatever i feel so aggh. and he moved to a different country so i just feel like iām never gonna see him again#like i knew this was coming theyāre both super religious so i was like yeah theyāre going to want to get married and have kids fast but.#it just feels crazy. i know thatās selfish but i have such a bad gut feeling about it that i canāt shake#but i canāt do anything about it so. idk. i just feel so lonely when things like this happen because i don't have anyone outside of the#family bubble to talk to about it. and obviously everyone else is like super happy for them. and it's not that i don't like her! i just#don't really? know her? at all which feels weird because we are a very close sibling group and i feel like i know & get on with my other#siblings' partners. i think it's partly like i just don't ever hang around people who are under twenty so she feels really young to me#which isn't her fault obviously but. do feel kind of scared for her getting married at twenty so she can start having babies.... idk idk#and obviously on top of that it's my younger brother so it does feel a little salt in the wound that he's moving on with his life and i am#counting it a win these days if i don't want to kms every three minutes#god it just sucks lol and i can't talk about it 2 anyone so i am venting here
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Do you have like a kofi or a gofundme going for your top surgery at all?
trans surgeries are covered in canada! the only struggle is how broken and slow our medical system is ;w;
if anyone wants 2 help me get the stuff ill need for recovery tho i can put this here ig :)
#it would have been free even if i was cis because even reductions are covered here if they are removing a certain amount of material#since in that case it has to do with quality of life/back pain etc#which is why the wait time is like extra sucks. im taking damage everyday#had a guy try to pull the 'you cant complain cus i have it harder since i gotta pay' thing & i was like listen i want better for BOTH of us#no one should have to pay 10k to get rid of their bozos but also no one should have to wait actual years while approved for it either#its like. a torment nexus. they CAN do it and im in severe daily pain and i get to sit here and twiddle my thumbs for years waiting
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(spoilers ahead) s3 finale legend of vox machina 10000/10 BUT
feel like they could've milked those last 3 episodes for at least double the run time.
It felt rushed compared to the rest of the season. I mean, each individual quest could've lasted just as much as the arc that led to Percy's death, but alas, Amazon and its season standardization is here to kill creativity and the arts.
The fact they rushed to tie up all the loose ends killed the emotional payoff they had set with earlier stakes. For example, Percy's revival and his reunion with Vex. Even Keyleth's declaration to Vax. Which btw, looking back, it's sad they put Vaxleth on the backburner. I'm a Perc'ahlia stan first and human second, but Vaxleth felt almost as a sidequest compared to how pivotal Perc'ahlia was to the season. I guess Vaxleth will have its moment to shine in the sun once...... the thing happens, but idk, I wish they had let us savor the moment a bit more for both ships.
I just wish, ya know, they'd given us a bit more brainrot.
Anyway both ships got to fuck this season and Vex still graced that pathetic, smitten sod with the best tits in Exandria ia so it's still a 1000/10 ššš
Also! I gotta say I'm intrigued with how Percy will end up with Cabal's Ruin. I donāt watch the live play (shh donāt judge me i have a short attention span) but as far as I understood, the last fight with Ripley is where Percy would have gotten it?? I guess they're saving that for the Vecna arc.
Anyway, I still love it lol and I'm glad they did bring back best boy no mercival percival because his existence holds my sanity with the thinnest mf thread š and when i tell you i was at the edge of my seat when we were halfway through the finale and there was still no sight of my favorite dumbest nerd.
girl i stopped breathing for a sec there
#the legend of vox machina#tlovm spoilers#tlovm season 3#tlovm s3#tlovm season 3 spoilers#percahlia#perc'ahlia#vaxleth#percival de rolo#percival fredrickstein von musel klossowski de rolo iii#percy de rolo#percy de blorbo#vex'ahlia#vexahlia#vax'ildan#vaxildan#keyleth#keyleth of the air ashari#scanlan shorthalt#pike trickfoot#grog#girl when i tell you i was SCREAMING at the screen where percy was nowhere to be found#like no. bring him back give him to me#also!!! i am š concernedš for Vax's wellbeing from here on out#yess i know what happens#no I do not know when but i will cry and be emotionally scarred for life#also i truly hope they don't stop balancing the plot and comedy with the ships now that they got togeter#because that would truly SUCK#i want to see them kiss on the mouth amazon#also the way percival de rolo the third has me on an absolute chokehold right now. literal convert.
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All Iām going to say I think now that my brain remembered part of what it was thinking is that Taylor and Joe went through a lot together (good and bad) and regardless of how it ended or what led to it they both seem to be determined to keep that private and not throw each other under the bus and in the end theyāre just two very, very different people whose outlooks in the long term were just never going to align and never has that been clearer.
#I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM JUST TO BE CLEAR#Iām just sayingā¦ he said a lot of nothing in those quotes beyond āpeople on the internet suckā#which is true#and both he and Taylor are keeping things close to the vest about it all#and just seems to me that whatever they went through together they are determined to keep it between them so thatās the end of that#(again in contrast to how she has no qualms about reading m for filth)#heās just some guy and now he gets to be just some guy forever#and she gets to be extraordinary#like yes the loving committed thing raises eyebrows given how much pain she was in#but like he could have shaded her about how it ended too and he didnāt#AND I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM#we know he was a terrible partner and she felt like shit#Iām just saying neither of them want to delve into the specifics and i think theyāre just moving into footnotes in each otherās lives now#like i want to make it clear AGAIN I am not condoning anything on his part here ā clearly there were huge issues#Iām just saying just because he may have sucked as a partner doesnāt mean the internet being cruel isnāt also true idk#and yes itās transparent why heās choosing to speak out now (or rather why the Sunday times is choosing to reach out to him now)#but likeā¦ idk i just canāt muster up any feeling about this man one way or the other lol#and take cues from Taylor (and even him) sheās determined to keep it between them other than the broad strokes#so Iām following her/their lead#(like I have thoughts about why but thatās not important and ultimately is justā¦ itās the most normal of ltr breakups)#like he just sounds a little pretentious with his āreal lifeā which likeā¦ good on him keep living that real life you do you dude#meanwhile his ex is flourishing with every passing week and milestone and is living her unabashed best life#and theyāre probably both happier for it now
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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life comes at you so fast
#tw personal#tw death#tw cancer#not my usual silly goofy post but itās hard to remain that way when thereās a lot weighing on your mind#cancer sucks#and itās unfair how quickly it can take people from us#one moment they seem fine and the next theyāre in the icu with a week left to live#he passed two nights ago#i wasnāt planning to post about it but i have the tendency to disassociate from my grief#so here i am instead of wherever the hell!#itās heartbreaking because he and his wife werenāt just my mumās bosses - they were long-time friends#i have clear childhood memories of playing at their house with their son#his youngest child is only 3 years old#as soon as he found out he started giving his final messages to his staff#obviously nobody wants to die in that situation#but you could feel how much he *wanted to live*#when i was told about his death it was in the morning and it didnāt feel real#every time i had seen him in the last year he always had a smile on his face#itās always been hard for me to deal with the prospect of death#and understand how fragile life is#how REAL mortality is#it hits even harder when it happens to someone who was so FULL of life#sighs#life comes at you fast#sometimes in all directions and in every possible and testing way imaginable#iāve been trying to write and feel any sense of normalcy this evening but for a multitude of reasons i have a sinking feeling in my stomach#sometimes when iām upset i try recycle the feeling into excitement or happiness over something else#yeah ā¦ i canāt really do that tonight#apologies if my energy is bleh. hold your loved ones close. now i return you to my regular scheduled programming
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For everyone who wanted bullfighter Nando when I mentioned it the other day, here you go :D
+ this one I don't feel like coloring yet(imagine he's in Ferrari colors!!!)
#did you know bullfighters dedicate their kill to a friend or member of the public by giving them their hat?#i really wanted to draw silly vettonso where fernando offers seb his hat#seb retires from bullfighting(yeah its an au now) and fernando in his green costume is like;#'here is my hat. now will you come back from retirement? š„ŗ'#but yeah feel very abnormal abt that ^ and also the thing abt them having someone who helps them get into their costume as a sacred ritual#theres just a lot of thoughts and ideas floating around in my head bcs of it#anyways i liked drawing this but it was very suffering too and took me like 5 hours#its like. you see the intricate embroidery and im like ah! omg! i love painting details!!!#and then remember im not the best w coming up with ideas for the embroidery pattern itself#so pls bear with me šš mainly i was trying to reference the diamond logo of renault#but most of it kinda just ended up being austrian knots i guess bcs thats what my mind defaults to#i thought the shoulder pad would be the most difficult but that came together the easiest and made the rest actually work in my head#aaahhh also im surprised w the angle of his face! im usually not good at side profiles as well as tilted down heads#but i think he looks pretty good honestly???#also w the sketch i just wanted to post it bcs i liked his face okay ššš#i wanted to paint it too but I realized im so naive thinking i could paint two of these horrifically detailed things in one session#but his face š„¹š„¹ i like it!!! theres some renault era pic of him i really like where hes sun drenched and angry looking#^ and i think i captured the vibe well so!!!!!#well anyways mayhe ill draw more of this. it was fun but also like sucked my life force out bcs it kept going from easy to 'I CANT DO THIS'#the pictures of matadors are just...insane to me. tiny waist fat ass flamboyant costume. im dead š« #f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#fa14#matador au
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