#<- not joking

[sanct1f1ed]

Dr. Jumble Cube Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Doohickey

original poll for context, if you're lost

this is the Jumble Cube, available on the Jumble Dream website. i'd just like to take a second and preface this post with a disclaimer; i was not paid to promote, endorse, or review this product. i did this entirely of my own accord because i thought it would be funny to have this fucking thing in my house. with that out of the way, here we go.

so! here's this fucking thing. when i saw that poll by @superbellsubways yesterday i knew i had to take one for the autistic team and investigate this fucking thing. how could it not tempt me? the obnoxious fidget spinner, the incessant promotion of this Thing towards Autism Moms, the fact that it's held together by roughly 17 screws and a prayer. when i first saw it on my screen, i recoiled- that's how i knew it was true love. i was immediately swept up in the sort of fervor only acquired by lovecraft protagonists and suburban mothers on the edge of a divorce on black friday. i needed it. so i got it. and a day later, it's in my arms!

guys. this thing is fucking Massive. it is unreasonably big. i took a ruler to it- from the hourglass spinner to the end of the doorstop, it's 6.5 inches (17 centimeters). for anyone wondering, my fidget cube is roughly 1.5 inches (~4 centimeters).

the wooden cube itself already huge at 2.25 inches (6 centimeters), but every single goddamn attachment screwed and/or glued on makes it INCREDIBLY unwieldy. if you wanted to put this fucker in a box it would take up 210 cubic inches of space (3441 CUBIC CENTIMETERS....). not even remotely practical for subtle stimming in public if you're anything above 5 years old/want to hold other shit in your bag.

ok let's get into the actual attachments now

side 1: hourglass spinner

at first i thought this was going to be the most nothingburger side until i discovered the meta of having the spinner on the ground and using the doorstop to spin around the whole cube. which does elevate it in my tierlist. it's also the side that protrudes the least, allowing this unfortunate contraption at least one side to rest on. however the color scheme of this side does remind me of an egg in a sausage mcmuffin- pathetic sickly yellow contrasted with an off-white that looks like it belongs on a 20-year-old urinal. it's hard to move all the beads into one side or another because of the way the hourglass is cut out of the wood. the sound is great though. better than i expected!

side 2: yellow nut-&-bolt

big fan of this guy. the nut IS removable from the bolt, but it's very large and such a florescent yellow-orange that you'd have difficulty actually losing it. plus, if you put a little effort in, you can "lock" the nut at the base of the bolt. the threading is surprisingly clean, and you can spin the nut up and down the bolt in a satisfying way. this side DOES protrude a lot but it's far from the worst offender in that category. pleasantly surprised by this one.

side 3: wheel and light switch

this side is pretty good! it doesn't protrude outward like the other sides do (which is very nice). i like this one a lot.

the wheel is reminiscent of rollers on a file cabinet or wheels on the bottom of a desk. i love those rollers and i've always wanted to mess with them after finishing assembling the furniture they belong to. so i feel weirdly validated by this part. you can grab the cube by the water tap and roll it on the desk with the wheel !!! very fun. however the wheel itself doesn't spin for very long. if you're looking for something that spins for a while, try the fidget spinner or the hourglass.

the light switch is VERY satisfying. a nice amount of pressure is needed to push it down, and it makes a very satisfying click when pushed. my only nitpick is that i wish the actual button was bigger, but that's honestly a minor complaint.

side 4: lock and key(s)

this side was one my friends and i discussed while i was waiting for the cube to arrive. one of them was concerned that this side would be Obnoxiously loud and that the keys (connected to the cube by a chain and yet another screw) would get in the way of other activities. the solution i had come up with was moving the keys (or at least one of them) to my actual keyring and using that to fidget. that's what i did the second this thing arrived!

the key that's still on the cube itself is a lot quieter without its louder partner, and using my actual keys in conjunction with the cube to stim is very very fun. (side note- you can also stim by pushing the key through the keyring to your heart's content.) turning the key makes a good click and extends a little bar, and turning it back makes the same click and retracts it. it's a good 180 degree turn, which is fun short-term but (if you're using the key chained to the cube) is a good way to give yourself carpal tunnel. use restraint!

side 5: water tap

sadly i was disappointed by this side. this tap lacks any of the actual weight or force needed to turn a water tap (the best part of turning one). it seems to be made out of plastic instead of metal (which, like, fair. there's already a lot of metal on this). the unit as a whole turns, instead of just the head. sometimes when you're turning the tap it resists against the wood in a manner reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard or scraping your fork against a nice plate. which is a huge sensory no-no for a lot of autistics i know. the tap is at least good to use as a grip for when you're stimming with other sides.

side 6: fidget-spinner-door-stop-thing

this fucking monstrosity is the reason i bought this thing. the extremely unorthodox combination of fidget spinner and DOORSTOP was very compelling to me.

the doorstop did not arrive attached to the cube, so i had to screw it on myself. which wasn't that bad. you could use that as a way to stim if you really wanted to.

as mentioned earlier, laying the cube on its hourglass side and using the doorstop to spin the cube is extremely top-tier. if you get it up to a high enough speed and then stop it the fidget spinner will keep spinning.

the fidget spinner is remarkably well-balanced despite my fears to the contrary. fair word of warning- if you're holding the cube in one hand and then spinning the spinner, you can feel the vibrations of the spin throughout the entire cube. there is not a single portion immune to that sensation (but it's more muted in certain segments, like the water tap). if you like that- yay! if you don't- avoid spinning it.

the doorstop is very springy and allows me to play with it without getting yelled out by my parents. if you put the stopper part on your palm and circle it around like it's a joystick it is a very good sensation. this is fulfilling a childhood dream for me. the force behind the doorstop shakes the ENTIRE cube. do with this what you will.

this is, of course, the most protruding side. as fun as this side is, i cannot let that go unmentioned. this thing is egregiously tall. fun. but tall.

overall opinion

i was honestly surprised that this thing is as good as it is. the unusual combination of items put me off at first, but the items themselves as amazing choices for a stim toy. there's a lot of things on here that i didn't recognize as childhood stims until i got this. while some of them i'd prefer as their own standalone keychain or something (lock and key, light switch), having them all in one for like $17 is a pretty sweet deal.

i like this. a lot. it's very fun. it's a monstrosity. i think i will be annoying my friends with it over voice calls. but, like, don't buy this expecting a new every-day carry. this is its own beast.

final tierlist

if you (for whatever reason) want to check this out for yourself, here's the tier list i made so you can rank everything how you'd like to.

thank you for reading!

[teethkid67]

the fucking cowboys

[copepods]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[androdragynous]

being on tumblr for a long time but never reading homestuck like

[vampiricbisexuality]

like to charge, reblog to cast <3

[blondebrainpowered]

Mouse Armor by Jeff de Boer

Etsy Mouse armor necklace and earrings available as well as other work by Jeff de Boor.

[werewolfetone]

[wizardnuke]

"skibidi toilet is ruining gen alpha" do none of you people remember asdf. i remember asdf.

[itsdappleagain]

jesus no

[vimbry-moved]

[beauty-funny-trippy]

[h4h4n0tfunny]

[insomniac-arrest]

You can survive almost anything through the right combination of:

Bitching and moaning

Hater-ology

Doing a goofy little bit about it

Having a buddy say "that's so fucked up" at intermittent points (you can also be your own buddy)

Destroying the cursed amulet you carry everywhere, why do you even have that thing

[mremotionallyavailable]