#<- man who is consistently described as fascinating

[paynomind-iamnotreal]

They should invent a common app prompt for people who hate themselves

[happy74827]

Bittersweet Blunders

[Mike Schmidt x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: In what was supposed to be the "perfect date" turns into an absolute dumpster fire of a night. Fortunately for Mike, you couldn't care at all about it.

WC: 4295

Category: Mega Fluff

So it seems that a lot of people like my Mike fics (yay), so I wrote another one because why not. At this point, my entire masterlist will just consist of this man, and I'm 100% here for it. Also, I don't know why fluff is the hardest for me to write, but this is my attempt at a full-on cuteness overload without a drop of angst (I apparently live for the drama), so we'll see how this goes.

『••✎••』

You were a very bubbly, cheerful person. You always thought that it was one of the best qualities that someone could have, and while it wasn't always the case, it always helped you in the past to brighten up anyone's day, as well as the other way around. You were always the life of the party, and you'd always make sure that everyone had a great time whenever you were with them.

It was probably one of the reasons Mike had liked you so much, though it had taken him quite some time to admit it to himself. He didn't want to believe it at first; after all, Mike was usually the guy who kept his feelings in, but as time went on, he couldn't keep denying the fact that he liked your presence and always wanted to be around you.

For him, you were a ray of sunshine in his otherwise very dull life. Sure, Abby had been a joy, and still is, but you... you were just special in a way that Mike couldn't explain. You had a certain quality about you that he couldn't describe, and he's never been able to figure out what it is that made you stand out so much to him. You were the complete opposite of him. His black clothes, your bright smile. His gloominess, your cheerfulness. His silence, your bubbly voice. His abrasive demeanor, your kind words.

Even though you were completely opposite of him in personality, there was one thing that you both shared in common. You were both attracted to each other in a way that you couldn't explain, even to yourself. But it was a feeling that you were sure of, and the fact that you're finally together made you realize why.

When he had started dating you, it had been like the clouds parted for him. The sky cleared up, and everything felt right again. He felt like his life was finally stitching itself back together, and suddenly, he and Abby were a lot closer, too. It was almost like a weight was lifted off of his chest, and he was finally able to breathe again.

Your relationship was very new to him, as you were the first relationship he'd ever had. But now that you were with him, he wouldn't have it any other way. You were just... you. You made him happy in a way that no one else had, and he was determined to make sure that you felt the same way.

Of course, you felt the same way.

For you, Mike was your best friend. He had been the one person who'd been able to make you smile in your worst moments. He was always there when you needed him, and you'd always made sure to do the same thing for him. He was your ray of sunshine despite him not acting much like one. You loved the little things that made him tick, like his strange fascination with coffee and the fact that he always had a blanket in the car with him, just in case he was tired or cold. It made him feel like home to you.

And it was exactly how Mike felt with you, too, obviously for different reasons, of course, but all the same. He loved every single thing about you, no matter what. Your personality, your voice, even the way you walk, he loved every single bit of it. The first time you two had kissed, it was almost as though fireworks were going off all around you both, and Mike could've sworn he heard angels sing as well.

You were a ray of sunshine to him, and now that you were in his life, he couldn't see himself without you. He loved you more than he could say, and he was determined to show that to you, always.

That's why he decided he would take the day off of work to plan out the perfect date for you two. He didn't know exactly what you were into; you always seemed to be good with anything, but he knew he had to try and do something nice. After all, you were worth it. You were the most special person in his life, second to Abby, of course, but special just the same.

So he set off to find you a nice place to have dinner, a thing neither one of you had done since the start of the relationship. You had usually just eaten at his place or gone somewhere that served coffee (somewhere more in Mike's price range), but he wanted something a bit fancier; after all, today was special, and he saved up enough to make it happen. He wanted you to have a nice day out, just like you always did for him whenever he had a bad day.

He eventually found you a place, a fancy Italian restaurant that he thought you would like, and made reservations for a place with a nice view of the sunset, just so you could watch it with him. It was going to be a great night.

Of course, it had been the complete opposite of what Mike had thought it would be. Two hours before the planned evening, the person covering his job for him just had to cancel on him at the last minute, leaving him to panic. He hadn't told you the surprise for the evening at all, so he had to make several, several calls just to find a replacement for his job and then to find a babysitter for Abby. Max... Well, Max wasn't around much anymore, and since you were the usual babysitter for Abby, it took Mike a while to find someone who was available, and even when he did, it took nearly twenty minutes for them to show up.

But he got it fixed and done in good time. His car was a little bit messy, and his "nice" shirt might have been a little wrinkly for the occasion, but to see the smile on your face when you got to his car made it worth it.

"You're wearing a tie," you commented, your face full of surprise as you hopped inside

"What can I say? It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing," Mike replied, turning the ignition and starting the car. He looked back at you, the smile on your face making his heart flutter just as much as it had the first time he'd laid his eyes on you. "Did I, um... You look great."

You were wearing a very nice dress, something that Mike had always loved on you, and it fit you very well. It was a light pink color, with a flowy skirt and a short-sleeved top, but it complimented you so well that he wondered why he hadn't seen it on you before. It made you look stunning, in his opinion.

"Thanks," you replied. "You look pretty handsome yourself, Mikey."

Oh, how he loved that nickname. It was one of the few things that Mike loved hearing you call him, even if it was in a joking matter. It made him feel special when he heard it, like you were just so happy to be around him that it was just another way of saying so. He smiled as he pulled out of the driveway, the engine rumbling below his feet. "So, you hungry?"

"Oh, yeah," you said, "I could totally eat."

Mike smiled. "Good ‘cause I found us the most amazing Italian restaurant, and I think you'll love it,"

Mike was right, of course. You did love it. The atmosphere was perfect, and the scenery was divine, with the sun setting in the distance and the colors it created splashed across the sky. Mike had even thought ahead to get a table right next to the window to give you the perfect view. Unfortunately, the sight from the entrance was the only view you got to see.

When it got to the hostess, it turned out that they had accidentally given his reservation to a family with four kids, and you and Mike were now stuck in between a large family with several children and the bathroom. The food had already been ordered and delivered to your table, but you didn't even get a chance to start your meal before you heard the sounds of a crying baby. And when you looked up, you were faced with a crying child who seemed to be a year or so younger than Abby, sitting on the table in front of you.

You tried to ignore it at first, hoping that they would fall asleep and stop crying, but the baby didn't seem to be willing to stop any time soon, and it seemed you weren't the only one who was annoyed by it. You glanced over at Mike and you realized that he looked about one second away from punching the baby and throwing it across the restaurant.

You decided to take action before he could do that.

"How's... uh, work going?" You asked, trying to make conversation as you sat up a little bit straighter and began to wipe your fingers clean, preparing yourself for whatever came next.

Mike didn't answer, instead choosing to grunt.

You decided to try and lighten the mood just a little bit. "It can't be that bad. You're still alive."

Just as the words left your mouth, the baby started crying even louder. You looked over at the family that was sitting in front of you and noticed that none of them looked like they were planning to do anything about it. Great parenting

"That baby might not be," he grumbled, not even bothering to keep his voice down anymore. "Even Abby and her tantrums don't make me want to run into traffic, and they're on a whole other level,"

"A crying child is not going to make you run into traffic, Mike," you replied.

"It might," he argued. "I might."

You laughed, shaking your head at the man sitting in front of you. "Have you always been this dramatic?"

Mike was quiet for a moment before shrugging and letting out a sigh. His annoyance allowed you to take a look at his features for a moment, something you hadn't really done for a while. Usually, when you two hung out, he was always so busy that you didn't really get to notice the difference in expression and stance he would usually have, but now that you were finally able to look at him, you noticed a slight change in him. He looked... tired, you'd say. Tired, but at the same time, happier than he usually was. You couldn't exactly tell how he was feeling at the time, probably complete annoyance because of the crying baby, but he did look like he was smiling just a bit more than usual.

And you loved seeing it. You loved seeing him happy, even if it wasn't the happiest situation that you two could've been in. You still wanted to see his smile, and you couldn't help but smile yourself at how happy he looked when he was around you, even with all the surrounding annoyance.

"Do you remember," you began, "when we first started dating? You were so nervous, and you were scared that you were gonna mess it up, and I said to you that there was no way you could ever do that, right?"

"I mean, it's not like you were lying," he shrugged, leaning back against his chair, picking up a glass of water, and taking a small sip. "I was a mess."

"Well, you still are a mess, a hot one but still... you got over it, didn't you?" You smiled.

Mike paused for a moment, placing his glass down on the table again. He was silent before he glanced up at you. His eyes were wide, and he almost looked... stunned. He was definitely surprised.

"It's not rhetorical, Mikey, but I'm going to take that as a yes," you continued.

"That was... that was different," he said.

"Well, yeah, of course it was," you replied. "That was a few months ago. Now it's a crying baby who you believe is ruining your life,"

He rolled his eyes and sighed, clearly annoyed by the whole thing. You knew that he wasn't actually upset; however, if he were, you'd have felt him shift in his seat like he always did when he felt uncomfortable or uncomfortable. But he hadn't moved a single bit. He wasn't even fidgeting. He just sat there and kept staring at you.

Mike never said anything, though, and neither did you. You just kept staring at each other, even when the baby eventually stopped crying. For a moment, there was peace, a sort of silent bliss that you couldn't exactly explain, and then the peace was suddenly ruined again.

Mike had wanted a refill of his drink, and when the waiter returned with a pitcher and many other drinks from various tables, the serving plate somehow made its way down Mike's shirt and all over his clothes, the various liquids from water to alcohol all splattered on his clothes. And Mike? Mike didn't even flinch. He closed his eyes and sighed, gritting his teeth and tensing up a bit, and you saw that he was clenching the sides of his chair with his hands, but otherwise, he didn't make any other movements, no reaction at all. Then, to make matters worse, the baby started crying again.

Mike and you both stared at each other again, your eyes wide and your mouths slightly parted. You knew exactly how Mike was feeling, and you wanted nothing more than to do something about it, but you didn't know what to do.

"Mike, do you—" you began, feeling really bad for him.

"I need to... go to the bathroom," he interrupted you, and you nodded in response. He stood up from his seat, walked around you and the other family, and then headed towards the bathroom. You were left to sit in your seat, staring at the family in front of you as they ate and chatted amongst themselves. You didn't say anything, but you weren't exactly happy with what was happening, either.

You glanced over to the bathroom door, hoping that Mike would come out of there soon so you could ask him if he was okay, but you were unable to leave. The waiter came back a few minutes later with a towel to help Mike clean off the liquid from his clothes, and once he had it in hand, you found the strength to leave your seat and follow Mike into the bathroom.

You didn't step inside, however, instead choosing to lean against the wall by the entrance. The bathroom was a lot emptier than the restaurant was, and it seemed a lot quieter, too, the only sound that you could hear coming from the faucet by the sinks. You stared at the door for a moment, just a moment, before calling out to the man inside.

"Mike, are you okay in there?"

It took Mike a moment to respond to you. "Uh... Yeah. I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine," you replied.

"Well, I am," he replied. He sounded annoyed.

"You don't sound like it," you commented.

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

You paused for a moment, glancing around the room as you thought of a response. You decided to just tell him what was on your mind. "Do you want to leave? We can go."

You heard the bathroom door open, and Mike stepped out from it, standing in front of you, his eyes staring straight at your own. He was soaked despite all the paper towels he must've used to dry himself off. You handed him the small towel you'd been handed, and he took it from you with a small nod. He ran it through his shirt and thighs for a moment before looking at you.

"You sure?" He asked with a pinch of hesitation in his voice. He looked nervous. No, he didn't look nervous. He looked... guilty. His eyes were sad, and he seemed worried about something. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find the right words.

You had a feeling what was going on in his mind, so you just took the lead for him. With a smile, you both returned to your seat momentarily to pay the bill and tip the waiter before making your way out to the parking lot. You climbed into the car, and Mike started the engine. He still had a very noticeable frown on his face as he turned to you.

"It looks like it's going to be a great night," he sighed, letting out a heavy sigh. His eyes shifted upwards to the clouds, and you noticed the very visible storm that was brewing in them. "Sorry. I guess I just... It didn't go the way I thought it would."

"It's still early," you replied, placing your hand over his. He looked back at you with wide eyes, clearly not expecting you to be as calm as you were. You smiled at him, squeezing his hand gently. "And I have the perfect idea of what we could do."

He raised a brow at you, his eyes suddenly looking curious. The frown was gone now and replaced with a small, barely visible smile. You had to resist the urge to hug him right then and there.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"You'll find out when we get there," you whispered and smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "Just listen to my directions. I'll be your personal navigator."

Your navigator skills were definitely off the charts that night, and even you were surprised you didn't get lost. You made some accidental wrong turns and had to double back once or twice, but other than that, you were able to get you and Mike to your destination just fine. The night sky was still covered with clouds, and there was a very faint sound of thunder in the distance, but you figured you had at least a good hour or so.

The view, though. You couldn't have picked a better spot to have. There was a tree right next to a small, grassy hill that you sat at, the only place where Mike and you could be comfortable while you stared up at the sky. You had Mike's emergency blanket, and he had his hoodie (that might have smelt like utter hell, but he refused to wear anything else after the incident earlier that night), and the stars. It was like the clouds had separated just to show you the beauty of the night sky, and the two of you were lucky enough to witness it. The sun was long gone, and the moon was peeking out from behind the clouds, its bright glow casting a shimmering reflection onto the grass below. It was a moment that you'd never forget.

"How's the date going so far now?" You asked Mike with a smile as you sat next to him. "Think this is an improvement?"

Mike shrugged. "Maybe I should stop planning the dates, and let you plan them from now on."

You smiled at him. "I like it when you plan the dates, Mike."

He frowned for a moment, but the look on his face suggested otherwise. "Really? Because there had been not one good one in the past... I dunno, two years? Even when we were still trying to work out the friendship to the relationship thing."

You shrugged, moving closer to him. "What can I say? I like the surprises, and you never were that spontaneous on your own."

"Is that what you like about me?" He asked. "My non-spontaneity?"

You glanced up at him, smiling as you took in his features again. You loved looking at him. He was handsome. And you loved the look in his eyes. They were filled with adoration, and they were looking straight into yours. He leaned down a bit and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

"You have other qualities, too," you replied. “Good ones.���

"Like what?" He asked, his lips ghosting over your skin as he spoke.

"You make a great cup of coffee," you began, letting out a small giggle as he continued to kiss your forehead, moving slowly down towards your jaw. "And you're good at taking care of Abby. You can be funny if you try hard enough, and you're really cute when you smile."

Mike moved down towards your ear, gently nibbling on the lobe. His breath fanned over your skin, and you couldn't help but lean into him just a little. His hand slipped under your chin and gently pulled your head up, forcing your lips to meet with his in a soft kiss.

The first kiss was always special, in Mike's opinion. You were always so soft, so gentle, but also so firm, so loving. It was one of his favorite feelings, and he was so lucky to have you in his life, he couldn't believe it.

When you pulled away from the kiss, you didn't move too far away from him, resting your head against his shoulder instead. You closed your eyes and let out a sigh of contentment, and he leaned his head against yours, his hand resting gently on your knee as you both gazed at the moonlit sky.

"Mikey?" You asked after a moment, your voice soft and gentle as you spoke. You felt his head move in response, and you felt him take in a deep breath.

"Yeah?" He asked.

You looked up at him, smiling as you did. "I think this is our best one yet."

He didn't say anything for a moment. He stared down at you with his usual blank expression, but after a few seconds, the corners of his lips quirked up, and he was finally able to break out into a smile, one that was so much brighter than the one that he had earlier.

He kissed you again, and you couldn't help but melt into the kiss. Your hands went to his shoulders, and his hands wrapped themselves around your waist as he pulled you closer to him. You never wanted to leave his side.

You loss track of time from there. You both were lost in the moment, in the stars, in the blanket, in each other, and before either of you knew it, you felt the slight raindrops pelt against your skin, and the wind was growing stronger. Your hair whipped in front of your face, and smacked Mike in the cheek, but he didn't seem to care much, too caught up in kissing you.

You eventually pulled away, looking at the man in front of you. "We should... we should get going. You brought the umbrella, right?”

“Yeah, it’s right here," Mike nodded, grabbing it from the other end of the blanket and placing it above the two of you as the raindrops grew heavier. The thunder was louder now, but you and Mike were far too engrossed with each other to really notice it.

At least, not until tragedy struck when he went to pull up the blanket. One big strum of thunder and a burst of wind from above caused Mike to lose his grip on the umbrella, which went flying through the air and out of his grasp. You both watched it as it soared in the air, almost like you were in a daze, and then you realized the horrible thing that had happened.

The umbrella was gone. You and Mike were in the rain, and there was nothing around you to provide you any sort of protection from the downpour. The blanket was soaked within seconds, as were the two of you.

Well, technically, Mike already was.

Mike's smile had disappeared from his face when the umbrella had flown away, and now his frown had returned, only this time, it was quite humorous. He was absolutely dumbstruck, and he was just staring at the umbrella as it flew away into the night. You tried to hold back your laughter, but it was difficult, especially with the look on Mike's face.

“Great. Just great," he grumbled, grabbing your arm while making his way back towards the car. "That's just the icing on the cake."

“It’s like we’re in a rom-com," you commented as you followed him, laughing even more. "You're the oblivious man, I'm the funny girl who helps you figure out your feelings. It’s the climax of the movie, we're both drenched, and then we kiss in the rain,"

Mike glared at you, but the look was not genuine. You could tell, and it only made you laugh even more. "Yeah, yeah, let's just get to the car."

The two of you ran towards the car, and Mike jumped inside the driver's seat. You quickly got into the passenger's side before the door shut closed, and you let out a sigh of relief. You took a moment to catch your breath, and then you turned to Mike, a smile playing on your lips.

“Just so you know, those are my favorite type of rom-coms.”

Mike rolled his eyes. "And just so you know, I hate rom-coms."

You leaned over to kiss his cheek, letting out a soft giggle. "Better buckle up then, Romeo. After we find a towel and get home, we're watching the best rom-com of all time."

He rolled his eyes again, but you could tell that the small smile on his lips was genuine this time. "Let's just go before the car floods,"

You smiled, leaning back in your seat. "Sounds good, honey.”

[amphibious-thing]

Hi!

I really enjoy your posts about d'Eon; she's so fascinating. I'm definitely not an expert on her, but I'm very interested! One article I read said that, in her unfinished memoirs, she used both male and female pronouns. Is this a) even true, given some of the clearly wrong historical writing you've cited before, and b) if it is true, what do you think about it?

So I don't speak French. D'Eon's unfinished memoirs were originally written in French and I'm working with an English translation. This makes any discussion of gendered language in her memoirs a bit more difficult as there are words that are gendered in French but gender neutral in English and vice versa. Helpfully the translation by Roland A. Champagne, Nina Ekstein and Gary Kates notes when the masculine or feminine form is being used. However I'm still answering this question based on a translation not d'Eon's original words.

D'Eon's memoirs are written in first person so the majority of the pronouns she uses for herself are first person pronouns (I, me, my, mine).

Other characters use either he/him or she/her pronouns for d'Eon but this reflects that characters perspective not d'Eon's personal pronouns. For example in a scene set in Russia the Comte de Vorontsov confronts d'Eon about her double life, using feminine pronouns for Mademoiselle d'Eon and masculine pronouns for Captain d'Eon:

This young lady remarked to Madame Vorontsov and to my niece the Princess Asthoff that she remembers very well that Mademoiselle d'Eon has a small wine-colored birthmark on her left cheek near her ear, that at the convent in Meaux she wore gold-drop earrings, and that if Captain d'Eon has this wine-colored birthmark on his left cheek and that if he has pierced ears, you can be sure that this is the Demoiselle d'Eon whom I knew in the convent. (p20)

D'Eon pretty consistently seems to use feminine language for herself when speaking in the present tense. She uses the words "woman", "girl", "maiden", "daughter", the titles "mademoiselle" and "chevalière" and "she/her" pronouns at points when she slips into third person.

However when talking in the past tense she sometimes describes herself in the masculine. She was a "man" but is now a "woman". She will sometime talk about her past self in third person referring to "him" as her "brother". After Mademoiselle Bertin dresses d'Eon in woman's clothes for the first time d'Eon says to her:

You have killed my brother the dragoon. That leaves me with a heavy heart. (p61)

D'Eon's describes her transition as a death and rebirth. A few weeks before d'Eon was to be presented at the Court of Versailles as a woman she returns home to Tonnerre. Still wearing men's clothes she gets into an argument with her mother who believes she should start wearing women's clothes immediately. But d'Eon is reluctant, avoiding it. At one point in the argument d'Eon tells her mother she must resign herself to "the imminent death of your pitiful dragoon" as "he" only has a few weeks left in men's clothes. Their argument ends with the following passage:

In tears, my mother said to me: "You are still my dear daughter sitting in the darkness and the shadow of death. But you will be reborn, my daughter, without fear or reproach, to live and die peacefully by your mother, who loves and will always cherish you. For your salvation and our mutual happiness, I have long prayed for the misfortune that befalls you." She wiped her tears against my face and returned to her room. I hid my face under the covers in order not to see or hear anything. I was even troubled by my own presence in he darkness of night. (p41)

While d'Eon describes the loss of her "brother" the dragoon as painful she ultimately sees it as something that is necessary and positive:

Mademoiselle d'Eon has only one more step to take to bury her brother the captain of the dragoons with the full honors of War ... Tomorrow without fail I will inform Mademoiselle Bertin of my return to Paris and tell her to bring with her feathered aides-de-camp to deplume me and to sew the dragoon's skin to that of a girl who is worn out from bitter disappointment with her own skin. This girl has the greatest need of her help to be trimmed, readied, and fitted out by her skillful hand in order that I may walk with unworried assurance along the narrow path of virtue, as is befitting a Christian maiden (p56)

The death of the dragoon captain gives life to the Christian maiden:

In my regiment I sought only the rough and tumble. But in my convent I find only remedies and healing. Thus by a natural tendency I find it impossible to reconcile Mademoiselle d'Eon with her brother, the dragoon captain. The brother is imperfect, the sister perfect. How can one reconcile between the imperfect and the perfect? (p72)

Her life as Geneviève d’Eon brings her joy:

At present I am living in profound peace; and my joy is so great that I praise God in three languages so that a greater number of people may partake of the happiness of the angels in this life while awaiting the crown of ordinary martyrs, Nunc Genofeva d'Eon est nomen meum; quam suave et dulce est laetitia mea! [My name is now Geneviève d’Eon; how delightful and how sweet is my joy!] (p87)

However she doesn't always refer to her pre-transition self in the masculine. D'Eon presents herself as a woman who was raised as a boy by her parents: "I had been educated as a boy, and I dressed as one." (p7) She describes her past self as a "foolish girl who was tricked to go along like a foolish ewe." (p3)

One interesting example of d'Eon's use of gendered language is her invention of the word "demoiseau". One of the translators Roland A. Champagne describes it as a "masculine version of demoiselle" and explains "We translated demoiseau as "pretty boy" in order to capture the lexical proximity of demoiseau to damoiseau ("fop")." Champagne concludes that "d'Éon constructed in a neutral gender the demoiseau to live as a masculine woman beyond the codes of the Ancien Regime." (Decoding "The Maiden of Tonnerre": Translating Gender from the Eighteenth Century)

Champagne is correct to say that d'Eon lived as a "masculine woman" but I think he might be making too much of this one word considering the context. The word "demoiseau" comes from the following exchange between d'Eon and Bertin:

Mademoiselle d'Eon. Alas, at court everything is beautiful. To please the court, does a former dragoon captain have to become a pretty boy [demoiseau]? Mademoiselle Bertin. Yes, absolutely, when the so-called "boy" is discovered to be in fact a girl by the systems of justice both in England and in France. (p64)

So I don't think d'Eon necessarily identified as a "demoiseau" but perhaps I'm missing something in translation.

The part I struggle with the most is words that are gender neutral in English but gendered in French. Without being familiar with French it's difficult for me to understand what the use of masculine and feminine forms of words means in context. Take the following passage for example:

Neither my body nor my mind was worn out from studying when my father took(m) me to Paris at the age of thirteen. At that point, I knew only how to read and write, and not well at that. I, however, fell into the hands(f) of my uncle and aunt who made(m) me feel ashamed(m) of my ignorance and who motivated me to study. Furthermore, they alerted and warned me that if I revealed the truth of my sex I would be locked away(f) in a convent forever. (p4)

In "my father took(m) me" took is masculine. Does that mean that d'Eon is masculine, her father is masculine or the act of taking is masculine? What about "made(m) me feel ashamed(m) of my ignorance" is d'Eon masculine or is her shame masculine? If her sex if revealed she will be "locked away(f) in a convent". Why is the word away feminine?

One thing that I particularly found interesting is that the pronoun "me" is sometimes marked as feminine, sometimes masculine, but most often not marked as either. So we have:

The Revolution made me(m) so rich that today I do not have the means to buy ink or paper.

And then just a few paragraphs later:

I would just as soon suffer childbirth as to be doing this painful work of writing, which I have begun because of the destitution to which the Revolution has reduced me(f).

Then a few paragraphs latter:

I am no longer a disciple of this world since my wonderful conversion, which separated me(f) completely from the body of the dragoons and from the sin of my uniform and which finally stripped away the old man in order to make of me a totally new being before Our Lord, in the eyes of men, in front of the Queen's ladies-in-waiting as well as the Daughters of Holy Mary, and in the hopes of the fortune reserved for me in heaven. The knowledge of that fortune has filled me(m) with complete wisdom and spiritual intelligence so that I might bring to fruition every good action and so that I might behave as befits a Christian woman not only before the world but also before the Lord, since during my novitiate I was washed(f), probed(f), tested(f), corrected(f), corroborated(f), strengthened(f), and rooted(f) in every way, which I endured, in complete patience and spiritual tranquility, the Lord having erased my obligations, which consisted of military orders, orders contrary to my spirit, and which He completely abolished and replaced with my new obligation to live and die in the essential purity of my innocent dress, no longer thinking of those things here below but only about those on high. (p136-137)

The switching back and forth between "me(m)" and "me(f)" is interesting but I honestly have no idea what it means.

If I ignore all the little "f"s and "m"s the gendered language seems pretty clear and consistent. D'Eon is a woman who was raised as a boy. She is feminine in the present tense but sometimes masculine in the past tense. But I can't just ignore the fact that I'm reading a translation. That would not be a honest analysis of her memoirs. I'd love if someone who is familiar with French went through her writing and really analysed her use of gendered language. I'm unfortunately restricted by the limits of working with a translation.

[knockknockitsnickels]

actually fuck it. Really rushed voices tierlist that I actually have now:

Hero: Duh. He's the obvious choice for top tier and he deserves it.

Narrator: I don't usually consider him a voice but the official poll does so I guess I will too. He's a fascinating character to me & the additions in Pristine Cut only make him even more so.

Broken: Already thought he was funny but post-Pristine Cut I appreciate him more. I'm biased bc in most of the new content he generally approaches dealing with the Princess in the exact same way I do (trying to empathize with and avoid hurting her)

Contrarian: I think a plus side to Stranger's route being so linear is the nice bit of development Contrarian gets to have. I think the way he's used to represent players who just want to mess around is funny, and I like that he actually does seem to care about both the Narrator and the Princess (in certain routes).

Stubborn: He's just like me fr (actually I do think it's interesting that he's one of the voices who - sort of - consistently seems to care for the Princess. He wants to fulfill Adversary's wish, he expresses attraction to Razor, and (correct me if I'm wrong) he's one of the only characters who wants to stay as part of the Wild.)

Skeptic: I actually think I like him & Stubborn equally but he's going down here. Anyway possibly unpopular opinion I do actually like his less-flattering portrayal in the Pristine Cut. While I do kind of miss him being on the same wavelength as Prisoner, I think him becoming so mistrustful and aggressive in Cage is a good development on the themes of that route.

Cheated: Cheated gets brownie points for being funny and being part of Razor. He gets some good moments in the Pristine Cut and has some funny lines. I honestly don't have much to say about him but i do like him ajshgdajsd

Smitten: Deeply unpopular opinion, I like that he goes through his Toxic era in the Pristine Cut. I think it adds more to his character than "the goofy love guy." However he *is* currently in jail for me not because of anything he's actually done, but because I'm annoyed with people who hated Tower/M.O.C immediately leaping to defend Smitten for doing basically the exact same thing. Still, funny character, moisturized and thriving.

Opportunist: This guy sucks but in a way I enjoy. I think he's an interesting character & adds a lot to the Witch route, and having a Voice who is just straight-up a terrible person is kind of fun. I also think he's got enough funny lines to prevent him from becoming too grating.

Paranoid: Another guy I don't have much to say about but I do like. He's so low mostly because I don't have that many thoughts on him - I honestly don't think I got him that much in any of my playthroughs?

Cold: I think Cold is an interesting character - imo he represents the type of Player who's not that invested in the game, and only acts just to see what will happen. He's edgy contrarian. I think that's interesting. I also cannot stand this man I'm sorry. "Edgy aloof guy" is my least favorite character type. Who invited voice of the cold. Get this man off the team.

Hunted: In my heart Cold is at the bottom of this very rushed tierlist but I routinely forget that Hunted exists so he probably belongs here. He gets some good moments in the Pristine cut, but I still don't find that much in him to latch onto. Like Cheated, he was one of the later additions replacing a demo voice (Voice of the Obsessed, who the creators described as "Stubborn roleplaying as Captain Ahab") and I think it kind of shows. Unlike Cheated, he doesn't really have a distinct identity to me & kind of just feels like Paranoid & Broken fused into one ultimate being.

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

things from my nlm vod notes abt ghostbur that make me slightly insane:

-Ghostbur was not missing all his memories when he came into existence. He showed up in the ruins with all his memories, then over the course of about ninety minutes on Nov 17th lost most of them, before which he acted like just a more detached and apathetic version of wilbur as he was in pogtopia (this version is named lucibur by quackity i think)

-ghostbur first manifesting because quackity n tubbo n fundy were trying to figure out the tune of the lmanberg anthem

-Nov 17th Ghostbur to Tubbo: "I feel like I need to say to you especially that I wasn't intending to blow up Tubbo's L'Manberg, to be honest, I wanted to blow up Tommy's L'Manburg. I-I made him president and then I was going to blow it up- as sort of a testament to his reign. But then he gave it to you, and I think you’ll be a good leader."

-ghostbur for all intensive purposes being a tangible guy who can walk around wherever he wants and talk to people and build things and hit people and play instruments. but he is like. metatextually unable to affect the plot in major ways. everything he does with nlm beyond aesthetic decoration is either advising other people or watching other people. he is powerless to stop exile or techno's execution or doomsday or anything. which i think is a neat way to do a ghost

-ghostbur riding around on horseback shooting people with his. gun? and invisible. he did this a lot and its very fucking funny

-ghostbur being the first person to call tubbo Mr President and also being deeply deeply insistent that tubbo wear wilbur's old presidential suit. i dont know what to make of that but its painful whatever it is

-ghostbur saying fundy makes him feel patriotic. hello

-ghostbur defining the difference between himself and wilbur as "he was a bad man and i am not." HELLO???? THERES LAYERS THERE

-ghostbur having moments of being very terse or harsh with tubbo or irritated with tommy before literally saying "sorry! im back to being friendly" which (if you choose to read into this like i do and not just take it as acting inconsistency) could imply that being nice is not like. the default state of how ghostbur is as a person? if that makes sense? like he doesnt naturally lean towards being nice to people, but rather its a conscious choice he just follows fucking religiously

-whatever the FUCK is going on with ghostbur and tommy before tommy got very attached to him during exile and continuing onwards. first interaction between them is from a tubbo stream where ghostbur says he's "thinking of throwing tommy out" of lmanberg and it only sounds half like a joke. ghostbur seemingly remembering tommy with crystal clarity. tommy referring to ghostbur as wilbur consistently before switching to ghostbur and then seeming significantly freaked out by him. ghostbur giving tommy invis potions (and tommys later psychological dependence on invis potions in season 4). tommy describing his relationship with ghostbur as "coworkers." ow.

-ghostbur's reason for building so much around new l'manberg is that he thinks it's his unfinished business (not addressing when tubbo speculates that tommy might be his unfinished business) and saying he doesn't understand why he's not dead.

GASP. GASP GASP.

OH THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS TO ME I AM MUNCHING ON THIS ASK LIKE A DELECTABLE TREAT !!!!!!!

1. DUDE Ghostbur’s first moments on the Dream SMP are so so interesting!! Yeah exactly, he was essentially just… Wilbur as a ghost. Fascinating! It seems like the longer Ghostbur was on the server, the more he leaned into a personality that was seperate from Wilbur’s, and the more he kinda became his Own Guy, rather than the ghost of a guy. Y’know? When he first showed up, his voice wasn’t high-pitched, he had most/all of his memories, and his personality was pretty much indistinguishable from Wilbur’s—and only after he had some time to experience life & think about things did he become Ghostbur, rather than Wilbur’s Ghost. I just think it’s very neat & a super cool part of his lore!

2. Something something Wilbur started the L’manburg National Anthem something something and Ghostbur was the one who finished it… something something. Unfinished symphonies being completed…

3. BROOOOO THAT QUOTE. “I wanted to blow up Tommy’s L’manburg” goshdangggg, man.

4. OH THAT IS A NEAT OBSERVATION!! Yes!!! Gosh every so often I think about the fact that Tommy really was one of the only people who tried to remember Ghostbur after he died; most everyone else either forgot about Ghostbur or acted as if he never existed. With that and also what you said about Ghostbur being unable to affect the plot, I just find it… so incredibly interesting. Ghostbur cannot float or fly or walk through walls like a typical ghost, but in almost every other aspect he is a ghost, in every sense of the word. He can’t grasp the plot or canon events with tangible hands; everything just slips through his fingers, rendering him helpless and powerless. Very interesting!

5. AJGSKSGSKSGSJSGS YEAHYEAHYEAH!!! Ghostbur’s strider <3 I think the strider’s name was Larrie? If I’m remembering correctly? Anyways yes Ghostbur turned into a little menace whenever he rode that thing and I appreciate it so much <3

6. Ough… </3 Thinks about Ghostbur saying “it looks like you’re filling in some big shoes” and thinks about Tubbo replying “I actually have very very small feet.” </333333 I think Ghostbur saw Tubbo in Such an optimistic light because he saw what Wilbur could have been, if things had turned out better. Ghostbur saw a strong man who wanted the best for his country and worked hard to get it there, and I think it reminded Ghostbur a lot of Wilbur during the early L’manburg days, when he was fiery and ambitious and headstrong and passionate and overflowing with love for a nation he’d built with his own two hands. And I think that put quite a bit of pressure on Tubbo, and also perhaps some dread, because unlike Ghostbur, Tubbo knows how Wilbur’s story ended—he remembers it. He remembers how dark and corrupted Wilbur got, and Ghostbur doesn’t have those memories and/or knowledge.

7. GHOSTBUR AND FUNDY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS. TO ME.

8. THE RELATIONSHIP THAT GHOSTBUR HAS WITH WILBUR (AND VICE VERSA) IS INSANE TO ME!!! YES YOU’RE SO RIGHT THERE ARE SO MANY LAYERS!!! GOSH!!! Ghostbur really tried to distance himself Completely from Wilbur, often to the point of denial, repression, and general unhealthiness. While I do believe that Ghostbur and Wilbur are not the same person—and feel very strongly about that—I also definitely think that acknowledging the fact that Ghostbur would not exist without Wilbur, that he is deeply connected to Wilbur, and that there are similarities between them is hekkin important—and it’s something that Ghostbur tries his best not to do. And it’s not good!! It’s not healthy!! Ghostbur causes a lot of angst for himself because of this!!

And also Ghostbur’s strictly black and white worldview, especially during his earlier days, and especially in regards to Wilbur, does a lot more harm than good, and completely erases & ignores the good aspects that Wilbur had, and the good things he did throughout his life. I think Ghostbur likes to believe that Wilbur is an inherently, 100% purely evil monster of a man who can only do bad, destructive things—and of course that’s not true at all. Wilbur is a person just like Ghostbur, and he makes serious mistakes and has serious flaws, but y’know. He’s also human. And humans are a very messy mixture of good and bad.

I think that the journey Ghostbur goes on with his opinions about Wilbur is one of the most interesting parts of the entire SMP, and it’s a real shame that no one talks about it. Over the course of Ghostbur’s (admittedly very short) life, he goes from “Wilbur was evil and incapable of good” to “Wilbur did bad things but he wasn’t fully monstrous.” AND!! THAT IS SO COOL AND INTERESTING!! AND FILLED WITH SO MANY THINGS TO PICK APART & THINK ABOUT & PONDER!!!

And also the journey Wilbur goes on after revival in the way that he views Ghostbur. In so many ways it’s like a perfect mirror to Ghostbur’s journey!! Wilbur goes from “Ghostbur was weak and pathetic and I hate him” to “Ghostbur was a human being and he did a lot of good things and he’s worthy & deserving of an apology” AND!!! THE PARALLELS?? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING MEEEEEEE

9. Okayokay before reading this ask I did absolutely view that as acting inconsistencies, but bro. That is such a better idea?? Oh my gosh??? It adds another layer to Ghostbur’s wonderfully complex little mind!! Ohhh man I’m gonna be thinking about this now. Also ties into the fact that Ghostbur acted almost identical to Wilbur when he first came into existence, and gradually lost a lot of the Wilbur-esque traits as time wore on. Perhaps the meanness was a leftover trait of Wilbur’s during Pogtopia that Ghostbur adopted for a little while.

10. “ghostbur giving tommy invis potions (and tommys later psychological dependence on invis potions in season 4)” OH OH OH OH. OH. OH. O H H H H. WELL. THAT IS ANOTHER THING I AM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT. AJSGAJGSIAGSJSGSKSGIS!!!!!!!!!

Gosh Ghostbur & Tommy make me so insane I’m not freaking joking they’re so. they’re. they just. sighs. Imagine if your brother died and he leaves a ghost in his wake and the ghost is your brother but wait no he’s not your brother but he looks so similar and sounds so similar but he also looks so different and sounds so different and you don’t want to love him at first because he’s wrong and you can’t love a wrong brother but eventually love starts leaking out of you in uncontrollable rivers because gosh you miss your brother and this ghost is not your brother but he’s similar enough. Maybe you can try loving him too. And then you start loving him with a love that’s different than the love you had for your brother because this ghost is not your brother but maybe he can be a friend and sometimes you feel like you need to look out for him and it feels weird but you love him anyway even throughout all the strangeness. And then you watch the ghost die and you feel responsible and you miss him but now your brother is back. Except now your brother feels like a ghost and the ghost feels like your brother. Do you hear what I’m saying. They make me insane.

Also Tubbo suggesting that maybe Ghostbur is haunting Tommy. Also that.

10. Ghostbur is simply trying to cobble together an identity for himself but the problem is that he doesn’t know who he is, not really, so he’s constantly searching for something to live for, and he’s constantly confused and wondering and longing. Longing for something solid that he can set his mind on. And he really gravitated towards the idea of rebuilding L’manburg I think because 1) L’manburg was Wilbur’s unfinished symphony and Ghostbur feels like he’s the one who needs to be responsible for finishing it, and 2) rebuilding L’manburg would be beneficial for & appreciated by the residents, which would make them happy, and Ghostbur has his heart dead-set on making people happy, and 3) he has no idea what his purpose could be outside of L’manburg, so he finds it easier to pour himself into that country, so much so that he leaves little to no room for speculation on other possibilities for why he was “brought back.”

Ghostbur and his constant struggle with identity my beloved <3

Heyheyhey this was Such an exciting ask to receive I absolutely adored getting to read your super freakin interesting thoughts & ramble about my own ideas!! Thank you so much for sending this to me omg <333

[shinynewwriting]

Since Superman: Lost is still ongoing, I am trying to reserve judgement until it concludes. One thing I do really like, however, is whatever wild psychosexual thing with Superman that Lex Luthor has going on in it.

We're currently at issue 7, and Lois has scheduled lunch with Lex Luthor. This is the first time Lex has shown up in the series. Not to worry though, he's definitely very calm and not at all frothing with rage that his nemesis is completely non-functional, has been for weeks, and no one will tell him why.

He's definitely not going to take it out on Lois, either.

(Lex is referencing Edith Galt Wilson, the wife of US President Woodrow Wilson who essentially took over his duties as president after he suffered a stroke during his second term in 1919.) Anyway, Lex makes a token effort at pretending he doesn't care at all:

Lois, however, calls immediate bullshit:

Holy crap, Lex has been on the page for like five panels and Lois is saying every quiet part out loud. Let the man breathe, Lane!

I am fascinated by whatever is happening in that self-diagnosis. Because the thing is...there's nothing in either the regular canon or in the past issues of Superman: Lost to indicate that Lois and Clark have anything but a healthy relationship based on mutual love and respect. But the minute Lois starts describing Lex as obsessed, he hops in with, "See, we're just like each other!" Lex assumes that whatever he feels about Superman is basically equivalent to how Superman's wife feels about him.

And then Lex rolls out his ~evil plan~ that will result in Lois' death and tells Lois to send Clark his way.

I gotta say, in my wildest dreams, I never thought we'd get an actual plotline consisting of:

Lois: "Clark is VERY SAD, so you need to do your usual stupid bullshit and cheer him up." Lex: "Uuuugh, fine, but only because I'm obsessed with him. I'm going to kill you, just FYI."

I also enjoy how both of these emotional bulls-in-a-china-shop independently arrived at a plan of, "Maybe some good ol' crimefighting will fix the PTSD!" Clark truly has a type.

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[kaibutsushidousha]

To be honest, your discussion of Minase's positive and negative qualities piqued my interest. What do you think are the main recurring fgo writers' strong and weak points? Also where would you rank the lilim harlot event?

For the sake of brevity, I'll stick to one per writer. Picking apart everyone to the extent I did with Minase would take forever and would be better done after their respective Ordeal Calls.

I hesitate to call Higashide's comedy his strong point because his huge hits are about as frequent as his huge misses. I suppose I'll go with clarity for Higashide's main strong point. Even when I think he sucked at delivering his point, I can always tell what he's trying to say, which is not something I can say about Sakurai's most compressed scripts. His weak point is his lack of ambition. It's nice to have at least one person in FGO's team who will never try to escalate things, but I can't see it doesn't make his stories more forgettable in the long run.

Minase was already detailed in his own post.

Meteo’s best quality is a tone setter. Requiem, Salem, and all his events come with an atmosphere that feels very tangibly different from what FGO usually does. Often his events are bad, but never they lack a unique identity. Which segues into his weak point, being that many of his events are comedy events and the man is simply not funny. Bullying Erice is his only consistently good joke, and when he tries other things, the results are more miss than hit. See Las Vegas and Wandjina World Tour for major examples of comedy events that failed hard at the comedy side.

Nasu is a master recycler. I don't know how he does it but the man is constantly reusing the same structures, the same themes, or the same dynamics and somehow it never feels repetitive. There is always something that makes the whole recipe feel fresh and unique despite being so easy to recognize the same usual ingredients there. And what I dislike about Nasu in FGO is how he's still stuck at the concept of selling waifus from the girls with routes days. Everyone has their list of characters who get ship tease with Fujimaru but only in Nasu's case it feels like an overwhelming majority and that some of the choices create too large of a difference between the summoned character and the character in the main story. Was it really necessary to do this with, say, Morgan? Melusine? Tenochtitlan?

And Sakurai I saved for last because one major reason this post took this long is that I was struggling to sort out what is characteristically good and bad about her. Well, even now I don’t have a simple and satisfying answer. Things can’t be simple with Sakurai, unfortunately. One friend of mine described the experience of reading Sakurai scripts as “playing chess against an opponent that doesn’t tell that you are in a game of chess” and that’s honestly a fascinating way to phrase it.

Sakurai is an intriguing combination of inflexibly ambitious and inflexibly professional. She has grand ideas for her characters and she will include them in the script without fail. But she's also strictly adherent to script size limitations. While Nasu is making Camelot and Avalon le Fae with total disregard to every possible limit, Sakurai is cramming so much into Septem's and London's microscopic file space that it becomes utterly incomprehensible. Nasu wrote Last Encore's plot as a whole ass novel and hired Sakurai to convert that into anime scripts because Sakurai is his expert in fitting a lot of stuff into tiny spaces. Tunguska was tossed at Sakurai because probably no one else could fit into its raid event constraints. And because she doesn't compromise on what goes in, her alternative is not revealing the mysteries about her characters but laying out all the hints so the players can figure it out themselves, which is a really fun thing once you're used to it (read: aware that you're playing chess against her).

And the answer to "Where would I rank the Lilim Harlot event" is 1st place.

[itsclydebitches]

Jonelias thought of the day is that Elias must come across as so stuffy and boring to those at the Institute - which, you know, very much helps hide his true nature - but as an avatar of the Eye and a man determined to avoid the End, Elias is someone whose entire being revolves around the interplay of knowledge and experiences. He's compelled to Know it all and his efforts to avoid death invite him to Experience it all too, a fascinating combination of passive observer and, by virtue of being a 200+ year-old in search of true immortality, an active participant too. This is a man whose longevity and thirst for knowledge invites an obsession with life that contradicts the 'Sits in his office doing nothing but spreadsheets all day' image he's learned to cultivate. (Though, to be clear, he does love the spreadsheets.) And I don't just mean "obsession with life" in the sense of him avoiding the finality of death, but actually loving the act of being alive.

I think a lot of what the fandom (rightly) jokes about in regards to his characterization is a reflection of that obsession. Elias has a relationship with Peter Lukas that goes far beyond the cold practicality of an alliance, hinting at a romance (if you steer towards a LonelyEyes reading), or just Elias' desire to still be able to place bets with someone while he's trying to end the world. Similarly, his powers ensure that he's never truly alone - if he dies, he takes the rest of the Archive with him - forever supplying him with a warped companionship that doesn't threaten him like he perceives he was threatened as Jonah Magnus, with his acquaintances working to complete their own rituals. In true Beholding style, he's got the heart of a fucked-up scientist who's endlessly curious about the world around him: 'Oooh what happens if I let my friend waste away in the Lonely?' He shows up at Jon's birthday party not just to secretly gloat and keep an eye on things (ha), but because he legitimately wants cake. Who wouldn't want cake? What's the point of living forever if you can't have cake?? Well, for an avatar the exquisite sweetness of fear is just as good, but my point stands. Beyond his fear of death, that enjoyment is at the heart of Elias' goal, with Jon describing his experience as the Pupil as a kind of agonized bliss and Elias confirming this by saying he was having the most wonderful dream. Morality aside, he likes interacting with the horror of the Entities, something we saw all the way back during the "[PLEASURED EXHALATION]" scene. Learning new things feels good. Experiencing news things is enjoyable. Learning and experiencing Bad Things is especially nice given his patron. Consistently, Elias' setbacks are met with interest, or a mild annoyance that then eventually settles into satisfaction because they are also new experiences for him and the Eye: going to jail, getting to psychologically torture Martin, having his own secrets exposed. There's a lot throughout the series to imply that Elias enjoys watching Jon become the Key, not just because it means he's succeeding in his goals, but because there's genuine interest and pride in seeing him "grow" by Elias' standards. The repetition of "our world," "our patron," etc. implies a connection; the intention to experience this new world with another, to enjoy it rather than simply exist in it for the mere sake of existence. Elias is a man whose entire essence boils down to, "I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS, EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING, AND LIVE FOREVER WHILE ACHIEVING THAT, TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL SO I CAN CONTROL IT ALL AND HAVE A DAMN GOOD TIME IN THE PROCESS, EVEN WHILE I SUCCUMB TO THE PRIMAL FEAR THAT DRIVES ME I WILL PARADOXICALLY EMBRACE IT, AND YEAH THAT'S LARGELY BECAUSE I SERVE THE LITERAL GOD OF JUDGY SURVEILLANCE BUT ALSO THAT'S JUST ME."

So anyway, I keep thinking about how this characterization could intersect with S1-2 Jon: prickly, awkward, semi-isolated, desperate to be recognized by someone whose authority he believes in. AKA the boss who, at an unprecedented young age, rose to the top of the Institute they both work at, perceived by those around him as far less interesting than he actually is. Parallels, anyone? Imagine Jon getting to really talk to Elias, realizing how much he has to offer after 200 years of life (though of course he doesn't know that), and just constantly being blindsided by not just the knowledge, but the enthusiasm for everything he's learned and been through - the good and the horrifyingly awful that, despite himself, Jon is equally drawn to. Elias recognizes every quote Jon drops into a conversation and has another witty line to pair it with. He doesn't just indulge his nerdy rambles, but participates in them. He's refined in all the ways that Jon expects - books, opera, music, etc. - and also casually drops in references to acid trips and fucking orgies. Imagine an early series Jon who forms a strong bond with Elias outside of the web (ha x2) he's been weaving, becoming dependent on his friendship and just a little bit completely in love. Elias is inherently fascinating, but he's also just Some Guy, and the combination of that is just perfect for a necrotic Archivist who simultaneously wants to be guided by his 'betters' and prove that he's an equal. Why Elias would be interested in turn barely needs stating: Jon is literally Elias' everything, in a horrifyingly tragic and like, Gothic Romance sense? What would that kind of relationship have changed? It would have likely made Elias' job even easier, but what about Jon?

...I'm not saying that Jon's drive to protect humanity would have been warped into something tragically dangerous if he'd first come to see his intelligent, complex, shockingly kind (from his nonexistent self-esteem POV), secretly-an-eldritch-monster boss as the epitome of humanity... but I'm also not saying it couldn't have!

[anynerd]

William T. Spears with an Angel! Reader

Headcanon

[ Not my artwork! Credits to the artist ]

You were a youthful angel. The words to describe you were pure, elegant, yet classy.

Angel! Reader was known to be kind, good with kids, and as curious as a cat, Angel! Reader would always watch from above on the human realm or maybe even disguise herself (aka hide her wings) to interact with the human beings.

William first saw you when he was called down to the human realm to "assist" Grell, and Ronald with their mission. (During Grell the ripper era)

There he saw you, with your wings protectivally covering Ciel, and covering the young Lord's eyes for Angel! Reader thinked that it was too crucial for an "INNOCENT" child to see.

After that night, the grim reaper found out how you were the angel who everyone was talking about.

- the angel that sometimes tried helping some grim reapers locate a soul when they had trouble finding,

The angel that helped the Earl of Phantomhive from a reaper and it's master who were trying to harm Ciel and his demon butler.

William and you officially met one another when he was on a mission in England, where he was above a building's roof and suddenly you bumping into him.

Angel! Reader's POV:

As I was flying in the sky I suddenly got distracted with the birds flying with me to even notice that I was about to fly onto someone.

*OOF* I yelped.

As I dusted off my white dress, I was met with a man wearing a suit and glasses, whom I suspected was a reaper.

"I am terribly sorry for bumping into you mister" I apologized,

William's POV:

A woman with wings flied directly at me, causing me my glasses to fly off of my face,

My vision was blurry as a heard the woman apologizing.

She had a very suiting voice, that had a hint of a British accent into it.

"I am terribly sorry for bumping into you mister" she said,

"It's quite alright, though can you perhaps hand me my glasses miss.. "

I paused "-Miss L/N, oh and here you go"

She, herself placed the glasses onto my nose bridge and bumped it up.

Giggling slightly

William and Angel! Reader later introduced themselves to one another, with Angel! Reader being as "ladylike" as possible and William being as a gentleman as he could.

Who knew after that William, the known work-oholic, the strict boss, the "pusher", the nonchalant man, would start to fall for the Angel? ��🏻‍♀️

After that interaction, William found Angel! Reader to be quite fascinating, from her wings, her aura, her reputation as a "goody two shoes" everything

Angel! Reader was the reason why the William T. Spears started taking more missions in the human world with Grell, Ronald and other reapers.

Eventually you got used to him appearing on earth that you and him made a calling sign. (๑ˇεˇ๑)•*¨*•.¸¸♪ whistling

One low note whistle from William, and you were summoned like a genie in a bottle-

One "singingly" note from you and William was there with his death scythe, ready to help you in danger with other dreadful creatures that you couldn't complete on yourself on your Guardian Angel Duties.

Grell found out about how close you were with her man, and wrote your name on her to-die list, with the Nun and Beast from her bassy (ifykyk 😭🙏🏻) above your name

It takes a while for him to accept that he had taken a liking to another creature, but he was thankful it wasn't a demon- (MAN HAS BEEF WITH SEBASTIAN ISTG 😭LMAO)

He, at first denied his feelings but he soon found himself taking you out on a date (a secret one ofc)

The dates he takes you on are mostly private ones, and the ones you take him to are consistently visits to heaven (You're a high ranker in heaven, as a Guardian Angel, like how William is in the Shinigami world)

Visits to the gates of Heaven, walks in the clouds in heaven, or even William seating on your back as you fly above in the sky with your wings.

When your and his relationship is finally public, you make visits at him at his building to his office to drop off homemade and home-packed Lunchboxes for him (as you understand how focused he is during work hours and understand how late he can get home)

Now you're a known power couple with your guys High ranked statuses, in both Heaven and the underground.

[lakka-arts]

HI heres a list of really great mcsm artists (personal recs)

mainly made for my friend @glitxhy-b0yy!!! :D who is a FANTASTIC artist themselves and has some great content on there!!

also partially as a self indulgent post to compliment my friends so lets go!! (yes this does mean that my opinions are going to be bias asf dont come for me--)

this is not a COMPLETE list but its just the artists that i can come up with off the top of my head-- might add more later!

polarized-here

polar's artworks is what i like to describe as comforting as it consists of neat lineart and cell shading with glowing effects! they're probably most commonly known for their admin!jesse au, which is a fucking BADASS au with the coolest concept artwork that i've seen?? like hands down, stunning with a stunning execution of it. polar's artwork are like,,, holy shit man. they're such a cool person :)

terracomets

rusty is a phenomenal artist AND writer who has an au series that i cannot recommend enough called Misfit Mania!! He has a BUNCH of great character designs, including ocs and other medias too! i consider him a jack of all trades bc no matter what fandom, no matter what kind of character it is, rusty always succeeds at great portrayal of them :DD his fav character is axel and as a result, he's got a bunch of fantastic axel artwork on his blog!! :)

mcs-art-etc/lukasdoodles

lukasdoodles has genuinely one of the most unique art styles that i have ever that is both adorable AND menacing /pos at times. their artwork consists of colorful lineart, and INSANELY detailed clothings, like oh my god. they're also INSANELY creative when it comes to it as well, putting in so many ruffles, and belts, and!!! so much more!! not only that but they have a bunch of blaze rods drawings on their blog!! including gill, who i think is one of the underrated characters in mcsm! they also do some animation every now and then, which is always so cool to see!!

zonerz

zonerz is one of those dual part artist and dual part writers with their great artwork and writing! they're really good at putting together lore and is super in-depth when it comes down to the nitty gritty! their armor drawings are really well done and i admire the attention to details with every single one of their drawings!!

zoomire

fel is one of the coolest fucking people i have ever met and #1 cassie rose fan. their artstyle reminds me of traditional paintings that you would find in a museum, like it is so refined and their character anatomy is ON POINT with how they draw muscles and scars so realistically. their aiden design is also one of the most dazzling to me bc of how they incorporate lightning into his scars. ALSO a huge aidrose fan if not THE president of the goddamn ship. they have so many character analysis on them both together and separately and they're always written SO WELL WITH SO MUCH RESPECT TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL.

a lost crow

crow has a bunch of fantastic mcsm content but one of their most fascinating ones is their command!lukas au, which has a whole story to go alongside it but i won't spoil it ;) and their individual jesse au where every single jesse has their own personality traits and they're so unique and well written!! absolutely love both au to bits!

acraftedmistake

acraftedmistake's art is unique in the sense that it is purely traditional and takes great advantage of paper texture as well as textures from markers and pens to make its presence known! to add to that, they do a bunch of mcsm work themed around horror! i do need to put a warning that they sometimes involve gore though it is very artistically done!! phenomenal artist!!

zhezhy

Zhenya has enough content to the point where i can make an entire POST this long to talk about her and the absolutely stunning drawings she makes about mcsm, particularly about the old order of the stone. she excels at drawing ivor, harper, and soren the most, though she has dwelved into other characters that haven't had the most light shed on them. my absolute favorite thing about her artwork is her artstyle because it is this GORGEOUS sketchy style where both the colors and the lines express themselves SO WELL and SO EFFECTIVELY! i can go raving mad about it honestly

offeathersandcube/novatheastropirate

Nova's artwork, i would like to define it, is filled with love and care. Her lineart and coloring patterns are colorful and light, as if they were drawn for the illustration for a book series, filled with so much delight. Nova's specialty is how she both writes and draws Ellegaard with so much appreciation for her character and through her portrayal of her. It's nothing short of dedication and heart. Nova's other works are also great as well and they do a lot to show Nova's artistic talent.

[flashfuture]

Since I've been on it I wanna talk about Hal's parents. Cause I've seen some dislike for Geoff Johns take on them. But they didn't really, Jessica especially, exist before then. I feel like some people read the comic where Hal in hysterical grief over Coast City made a construct of his parents and then went off to kill all the Lanterns and Guardians and said yep that is exactly how his parents were.

But let's get into it. Martin and Jessica Jordan. For further context, the sibling order is Jack, Hal, Jim Jordan. Three boys. And it was sort of implied for years that they were Jewish and got confirmed not too long ago that Jessica is Jewish and Martin is Catholic. Hal was a grown man in the 80s. His childhood took place in the 50/60s. And before that he was a grown man in the 60s meaning his childhood was the 40s/50s. That absolutely influenced the type of life he had. Vs the further in time we drag this out the less natural it becomes to have super strict parents.

So to begin the first physical appearance of Martin Jordan comes in 1989 in Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn #1. This is a post crisis pre zero hour story so any events in this particular time window are wildly subject to change

Martin is a test flight pilot. He's Hal's hero. His plane goes down. Hal watches. This sequence of events stays consistent across every time line including Flashpoint which is you know fascinating.

"Hal got fired today-- and he got his mom to call up and beg for him."

"Talk about my father again Biff and I'll rip your lungs out."

In this version of events, we get a mention of Jessica. She's not named and doesn't appear. So you can tell she was brought up purely for a 'Hal is so irresponsible he needs his mommy's help' bit. Hal and Jack get along though and are violently defensive of their father. Hal also catches a drunk driving charge after this.

Speaking of drunk I know there's a comic out there where Martin is described as a drunk which I could not for the life of me dig up again but that's mentioned all of once so I just ignore it. What's with making test pilots drunks???

Anyways Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn is definitely not my favorite Hal Jordan story and I'm glad it's been mostly retconned out minus the very beginning parts with Martin.

(Green Lantern vol 3 #36)

"So you're back to flying planes, huh?"

"Dad's blood still runs through my veins, I guess."

This Christmas special in 1993 took place before Coast City exploded. Hal took Carol out to Jack's house to spend the holiday with the Jordan family. Hal directly attributes flying to his dad's influence.

Now Green Lantern vol 3 #48. Hal is standing in the ruins of Coast City not a soul left and he conjures an image of his parents. Reminder they are entirely Hal's imagination and again he is just about hysterical right now.

"I looked up to you. I worshipped the ground you walked on, or flew over. I wanted to grow up and be you... which probably has a lot to do with who I am now. Growing up, though, I never felt like you... I don't know thought that much of me."

As we saw Hal's dad died when he was Maybe ten. His little brother and older brother didn't have real accomplishments in elementary school. Jack the DA and Jim helping the campaign and having a family that's all modern. Stuff Martin would have never known about. Martin the pilot getting on Hal's case for having his head in the clouds? Really seems like Hal is the one he could have related to the most. Martin getting on Hal about not saving the city just proves Hal is projecting his worries about disappointing his dad onto his dad and then because he's so hysterical with grief forces himself to rewatch his dad dying.

Absolutely completely irrational state of mind he's in right now. At the end of this issue, he's going to fly off into space to kill all the Lanterns and the Guardians.

And then he summons Jessica. Calling her mother instead of mom is just really funny to me like informal with his strict dad formal with his chill mom. Lmao? Jessica only speaks on Martin. Reminding Hal of the good times they had. She's Hal's memory which which means Hal heard the story of dressing up as Santa he remembers his dad's aftershave. Summoning your mom just to talk about your dad is crazy work btw

Again Hal was so young when his dad died. Not a teenager not even close. What was Martin disappointed about? Maybe Hal who can't keep a job a girl or half his friends (Barry died and all super friends ditched him basically) is projecting backwards into time. And assumes his Dad would be disappointed in him.

"Personal gain? This is about personal loss!"

Personal loss and Hal's spent most of his time summoning his long dead father. He really never got over Martin dying and that's so apparent. Anyways this is where Hal decides to go into space and kill everybody. Seeing his dad taken from him one more time made him snap.

Hal is enamored with his father. Whether their relationship was tough or easy it wasn't necessarily the point. The point is Hal Jordan loves his father to Oa and back more than the rest of his family probably understood. He didn't just want to impress his father he wants to be him.

And Zero Hour royally fucked up Hal's family but like idk let's just say Infinite Crisis fixed it. That's two reality shattering events. Why not give Hal a little treat of being his dad's favorite. No one seems to miss when Jack, Jim, and Hal all went to the same college and the same fraternity and were besties

[santmat]

John the Baptist's Vegetarian Diet -- An Exploration of Early Christian Writings and Scholarly Texts - Spiritual Awakening Radio Encore Podcast 

@ Youtube: 

https://youtu.be/rBM34Cm4laE?si=u7tDt-Y4WeiUAHqi

Due to a mistranslation of a particular Greek work in certain gospel manuscripts John the Baptist has gained the most unfortunate cave-man reputation of being a bug eater, an eater of locusts. It's supposed to be locust beans ("egkrides"), used to make a kind of Middle Eastern flat bread or cake from carob flour, not bugs ("akrides")! If we examine early Christian writings and learn of the Nasoraean movement the Prophet John was associated with, a wilderness sect operating near the Jordan River maybe somewhat related to the Essene branch of Judaism, we will discover references to the vegetarianism of John the Baptist and his disciples (Sabians, a "People of the Book"). Contemporary scholars have also recognized this and written about it. Today on this Spiritual Awakening Radio podcast we'll sort through the evidence, including a surprising number of fascinating passages from ancient sources, as well as learn about "Saint John's Bread" and the "Saint John's Tree" of the Middle East.

Since my original research on this topic, a couple more early Christian apocryphal writings have come to light, have been made available in English. These add to the surprisingly large collection of vegetarian references in early Christian writings regarding the diet of John the Baptist. New Testament Apocrypha, Vol. III, by Tony Burke was published and some John the Baptist books are included. In one of the earlier volumes there was a John the Baptist text made available for the first time in English that has a vegetarian passage regarding John's diet in the wilderness. Included in the third volume are, The Birth of Holy John the Forerunner, and, The Decapitation of John the Forerunner, both containing plant-based passages about John's diet consisting of "locusts from the tree" (in the Middle east called "the Saint John's Tree", and "Carob Tree") and "wild honey", also "an abundance of bread and wild honey dripping from a rock". Clearly there was an understanding in early Christianity that this was referring to locust beans (carob pods), not insects. Carob pods do look a bit like locusts hanging from tree branches, hence the name. Locust beans can be ground up and used to make a kind of Middle eastern carob flour flat bread. There's a "cakes dipped in honey" reference in the Gospel of the Ebionites. The wild "honey" was not from bees but sticky desert fruit of some kind. So, as you'll hear being documented during this podcast, there are all these plant-based references to John's diet coming from many different sources, and scholars have noticed and discussed these: 

"Probably the most interesting of the changes from the familiar New Testament accounts of Jesus comes in the Gospel of the Ebionites description of John the Baptist, who, evidently, like his successor Jesus, maintained a strictly vegetarian cuisine." (Professor Bart Ehrman, Lost Christianities: The Battles for Scripture and the Faiths We Never Knew) "His [John the Baptist's] food was wild honey that tasted like manna, like a cake cooked in olive oil." (The Other Gospels, Accounts of Jesus from Outside the New Testament, by Bart Ehrman)

John the Baptist was a prophet with large number of followers in Israel and Transjordan regions. After his passing, several of his successors headed what became various rival Nasoraean (Nazorean) sects, one of those being Jesus and the Jesus movement. "Again Jesus said to his disciples: Truly I say to you, among all those born of women none has arisen greater than John the Baptizer." (Matthew 11:11, George Howard's translation of Shem-Tov's Hebrew Gospel of Matthew, described as "the oldest extant Hebrew version of the Gospel of Matthew") 

Henry Ford: "Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young." 

Albert Einstein: "Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death."

All for the Love of Wisdom, Radio, and Podcasts,

James Bean

Spiritual Awakening Radio

https://www.SpiritualAwakeningRadio.com

[your-bigender-big-brother]

I've come to realize that I am bigender, and yet despite how happy I am with that term, I keep having this feeling of "unworthiness" because I'm not the stereotypical "boy & girl" bigender. Especially since most post or memes about bigender is with that in mind which makes me feel like I'm not using the right term to describe my identity, despite me liking it.

I am an Agender Boy & Genderqueer. Because I'm also Genderfluid in that, while I feel like a man/boy at times, it's not consistent, which is why I kept questioning myself. Sometimes I felt like a was a just a genderless blob, or a vortex of no gender.

But, I also like the term "Genderqueer" bc it also describes me, that while I don't confined myself to "male or female" I also don't want to say I'm nonbinary because, even though it's a more broader term, it doesn't describe how I feel. Which is why I like "Genderqueer" because that's how I see my gender sometimes, it's just queer, idk what it is exactly, but it's not cis!

And mixing those together makes it sound like I'm just trying to use a bunch of labels at once. Which is why I like saying that I'm Bigender, but I hate knowing people will either make assumptions or expect certain things about me. Because I hate being called "girl" or "female" but I do still enjoy feminine things, and even calling myself a femboy, which is why I keep fighting myself.

So, while I still feel happy know what to call my gender, I just hate all the assumptions/expectations that come with it. Because I can STILL get misgendered if people believe I'm female.

- 🌸

Thank you for sharing this with me, anon!

I'm also (obviously) bigender and not male/female. I'm male/neutrois. While it looks to be a very common experience to be male/female bigender, I haven't found too much trouble navigating bigender spaces online. I come in, introduce myself with my genders, and it doesn't seem like it's super surprising to anyone. If anything, they're fascinated by the idea of being one binary gender and one that's outside of the binary. But sometimes I do get a little bummed out if I'm not seeing bigender experiences that aren't just male/female represented.

I think that using multiple labels can be very helpful in describing your gender and how all these pieces come together. I recently accepted that using several labels is a really good choice because there are so many layers to talk about. "Nonbinary" is way too broad and "bigender" is only a surface-level way to talk about my gender. So, I will often use nonbinary man, demiguy, male, neutrois, abinary man, abinary, transmaverine, maverine, and maybe some others. It seems like a lot, but they cover more aspects of my identity than just one or two labels ever could.

All that is to say that I highly encourage the use of multiple labels. You can choose to use broader labels in certain spaces where it's just not relevant or necessary to use more specific terminology, and save the more specific labels for when you really want to discuss all the details.

I understand how frustrating assumptions can be. I went a long time avoiding "nonbinary" as a label (at least just by itself) because I didn't want people to assume I was either genderless or not a man, or that my manhood didn't matter as much. I also feared the assumption that "bigender" would mean that I'm both a man and a woman, but that really only comes from people who don't realize that nonbinary genders exist or that there's more than just being male, female, or both.

You can be genderqueer, agender boy, and bigender all at once. Genderless blob/vortex is also fun lol. - 💙💚

[bouncykhotchillipeppers]

New to ATEEZ, but I’ve decided to try an astrological chart reading anyway. Happy to announce that Hongjoong and his chart are wonderfully complicated.

✦ Disclaimer

I do not know him personally, no harm intended, others may interpret differently. I’ve been studying astrology for six years, and I take this seriously and try my best. Feel free to ask any questions you have!

✦ Note

I will not be discussing parents, family, or earlier life to preserve some privacy. This is not a full chart reading, just some highlights I found to be fascinating. He should contact me, I have questions I want answered. 

✦ Overview

Before everything else, so many placements and aspects in his chart scream the need to consistently transform his sense of self—Sun in Scorpio in 9H, Midheaven in Scorpio, Uranus in Aquarius in 1H, Neptune conjunct Ascendant, Mercury conjunct Pluto, Mars in Virgo in 8H. Whoever he was a year ago is not necessarily who he is today. He loves to see how he has improved himself over time because he is obsessed with bettering himself. There’s a battle of dark and light, black and white, trying to remain open-minded while sticking to his instinctual duality. 

Another large portion of his chart is concerned with distrust of authority and the craving of freedom. Sun in 9H, Uranus in 1H, Saturn in Aries—he wants control. It’s a sore spot. But he’s also really good at getting these authority figures to like him? That Venus, man…

This is very much an artist’s chart, and I can’t see him doing anything not involved with creativity. Sun conjunct Venus, Venus conjunct MC, Venus quintile Neptune, Saturn square Neptune, Moon in 5H, Uranus in 1H—all of these are creative and artistic. He needs to put his whole heart into what he loves or he’ll be miserable. Creativity is his emotional outlet.

He’s an intense person. He sort of won the jackpot when it comes to a lot of placements great for idols and creatives in general. 

✦ Neptune conjunct Ascendant in Capricorn (First House)

Ironically, he is whoever you want him to be. Idols and celebrities in general with Neptune aspecting the Ascendant do very well in the limelight because they’re able to adapt themselves to whoever is around them at any given time. One great way to look at it is that Neptune rules over mirrors, so his identity reflects like a mirror whoever he needs to be at that time. Wonderful for actors and idols. Another idol with this aspect is Soyeon from (G)I-DLE, except she’s a Virgo Sun.

His sense of self is fluid. He’s able to read the room and act accordingly without thinking much about it, or perhaps even overthinking it and worrying about it. He’s aware of others’ emotions and “vibes” if you will. Not that he’s necessarily good at handling them (Gemini Moon, Capricorn Neptune), but if someone is upset, he knows it. 

He’s sensitive and emotional…but this is in Capricorn, the great suppressor of everything. Keep that shit on lockdown. All the mutable signs… He is running from that! We’ll get to that in a bit. He’s INFP, right? He doesn’t feel in a “your emotions are my emotions” way (um, Seonghwa Cancer Moon in 12H), his way is very…difficult to quantify, almost sideways or backwards to others. Makes sense to him, though!

Capricorn Neptune quintile Scorpio Midheaven

About a year ago, I went on a deep dive into quintiles and discovered their usefulness—specifically in that they describe an innate talent for something. This is something inherently within the person that they don’t necessarily notice about themself except through thorough introspection. It forms connections and has a deeply human quality to it. It is, at its most basic form, pure joy and creativity, like Leo. With Neptune ruling over everything from deception to transcendence to lack of boundaries to enchantment… Oh, yeah, she’s a mystical planet, but it’s not all terrifying. The way I would interpret it is that he is innately talented in projecting a certain persona to maintain his outward image. Inside could be turmoil, outside looks fine and dandy, or vice versa. Like I said, he is who you want him to be in that moment. Unlike someone with Sun in 12H, he does have a firm sense of his identity. But it is always in flux. Does this make sense? 

✦ Uranus in Aquarius (First House)

Now here is where we start seeing the cravings of freedom and a continuation of the constant shifting of the self. Uranus is the drastic revolutionary of the planets, changing at the drop of a hat, and having it in 1H makes for an eccentric person who doesn’t want to conform to others’ or society’s expectations. Again, contradictions because all that Capricorn Ascendant wants to do is conform. He will do whatever the fuck he wants. He’s not chill about it. Just let him do his thing. He’ll figure out a way to do it anyway because he’s so fucking stubborn.

Having this, along with his Sun conjunct MC, is a great quality for a leader. He would not do well if someone else was in charge of this group.

Trying to figure out the best way to describe this placement, and I guess you could say… He feels like there is no one like him… 

Scorpio Sun square Aquarius Uranus

A lot like Uranus in 1H, an overall strange and unique personality and not afraid to do his own thing. The square makes this somewhat difficult because it’s a challenging aspect after all, so it becomes that desire to rebel/desire to conform once again, fluctuating between the two at odd moments. Touchy—not physically but temperamental and anxious. I guess you could associate this aspect with that of the mad genius trope, determined that they are right with their innovations too grand for current society. He doesn’t like to be compared to others. Extremely willful and stubborn. He’s lucky he has a lot of mutable signs, otherwise he would be more overbearing and wouldn’t “go with the flow” as easily. That being said, he will still resist and find his own way to do things if he really doesn’t want to do them. 

Scorpio Venus square Aquarius Uranus

He runs hot and cold with people, very either/or, and I would say that someone else in the group who acts a lot like this would be Seonghwa(!), who has Venus in Aquarius in 8H. One day he’s your best friend, then he won’t talk to you for three weeks, then he’ll come back and act like nothing has changed. Values his freedom in his relationships with others. He’s very attached to those he considers himself close with (Scorpio Venus, Descendant in Cancer), but he still needs his space to do his own thing. Deeply afraid of rejection and will appear aloof or unreachable emotionally because of this. Unconventionality, beauty in the diverse, unique sense of style.

✦ Jupiter Rx in Pisces (Second House)

Once again with the eccentricities… Jupiter is domicile in Pisces, meaning it operates best there, but the retrograde gives it an introspective twist. Everything has value to him. Truly just seeking deeper meaning than what lies on this mortal plane. He would be so fun to have a philosophical conversation with because he would take it so seriously and yet be very silly about it. Very inspirational, likes to give and receive what he considers worthy, such as love. Bit backwards in showing his affections, but it’s important to him. 

Virgo Mars opposite Pisces Jupiter Rx

One of my books describes this as a Holy Crusader, fighting for a belief or against one; I personally describe Mars-Jupiter contacts as obsessive overachievers. Completely enamored with whatever he deems is his for the time. There is a need to go out and do everything, to continue to heap on to his pile of tasks, consistently adding more and more, and if there’s nothing or no one stopping him, he won’t stop. 

The Virgo-Pisces opposition is incredibly fascinating because this adds an innately sacrificial component to him, the serviceable and boundary-setting Virgo combined with the compassion and boundary-dissolving of Pisces ends up creating the perfectionistic martyr of sorts. If it’s not perfect, it’s not seeing the light of day.

Side note: Lots of Mars-Jupiter hard aspect energy in ATEEZ. We have some fighters here. Calm down. Hongjoong has Virgo Mars opposite Pisces Jupiter, Yeosang has Libra Mars opposite Aries Jupiter, San has Scorpio Mars opposite Taurus Jupiter, Wooyoung has Capricorn Mars square Aries Jupiter, Jongho has Virgo Mars square Gemini Jupiter. 

Seonghwa has Mars conjunct Saturn in Aries, Mingi has Scorpio Mars opposite Taurus Saturn, Yunho has the same aspect as Mingi but as a very weak opposition (10° orb). Saturn the constrictor is sort of the contrast to Jupiter the exacerbator. 

It’s fascinating to see these dynamics at play. They’re all extremely hard workers, and their charts show that. 

✦ Saturn Rx in Aries (Third House)

This is his chart ruler, the most important planet in his chart besides Sun and Moon. Saturn is called the greater malefic because of its rulership over authority and control, and when placed in the third house of communication, it can manifest as someone who is afraid to communicate or rather lacks the capabilities to communicate effectively. The fact that it’s in Aries (in fall), and 29° (itchy and unstable), and retrograde… Sorry to this man. He’s not a small talker. And he says the wrong thing at the wrong time and has to live with the mortifying concept of being known. Really dry and direct sense of humor. He is just…awkward. 😭 That’s okay! His Sagittarius Mercury both emphasizes and contradicts this. He’ll say a lot of things, but not necessarily say what he truly feels unless he’s poked and prodded enough. 

Aries Saturn Rx square Capricorn Neptune

This aspect is really good for fighting (square) to create the ideal (Neptune) into reality (Saturn). It also deals with guilt and fears, especially the fear of losing control. A materialist with karmic guilt that he absolves by creating and dissipating it to the collective. For instance, a writer or musician. 

✦ Moon in Gemini (Fifth House)

Long story short, Gemini is a mutable air sign, and a lot of astrologers can interpret air sign Moons as unemotional. WRONG. He is a very passionate and emotional and thoughtful person; he processes his emotions differently and likes to put them into words and rationalize them. Meanwhile, Saturn in 3H that affects his ability to communicate effectively exists. Moon sextile Saturn, which impacts this further. Do you see the vision here? I do think he tries his best, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way he wants it to, and he has to figure out a different way of doing things. 

If there’s one thing mutable signs love to do, it is avoid. He has five mutable planets in his chart (Gemini Moon, Sagittarius Mercury, Virgo Mars, Pisces Jupiter, Sagittarius Pluto), which is half of the planets, so you can see why avoiding can be a major issue here. Luckily he’s a Capricorn Ascendant, reliable and steady, and he has enough passion and drive to keep him going due to his Mars placement and the massive amount of Scorpio influence. 

Gemini Moons are everywhere at once…petty and playful and curious. You know the drink dispensers at fast food places and there’s that one person who will hit every flavor to get a chaotic blend of every drink that tastes the absolute worst because Hi-C and Coca-Cola were not meant to be mixed together? Ask him a weird fact he’s learned recently, I’m sure he’ll have at least five on hand. Great at mimicking others, if not literally mimicking then through trying to become others, like idolizing an older sibling. Shoutout to Yunho and San, the other two Gemini Moons in ATEEZ. Seonghwa, Yeosang, Mingi, and Wooyoung are all Cancer Moons. Jongho is either Pisces or Aries, likely the latter. 

Gemini Moon square Virgo Mars, square Pisces Jupiter Rx + Mars-Jupiter opposition

This is what astrologers call a T-square (because it looks like a T, two squares connected by an opposition), fueled by activity and acting before thinking. The planets locked in this (Moon, Mars, Jupiter) are also extremely active. Mars is drive, aggression, action, impulse, the need to do rather than sit idle. This is a very volatile aspect, very quick to respond to any sort of perceived attack and sensitive to conflict. Moon and Mars are in signs ruled by Mercury, there’s so much rationalizing going on here, so he’s likely overthinking every little aspect. “Act first, think later” planets in “think fast” signs. Jupiter is aspected to these two as well, so it’s exacerbated. Ah… Overwhelmed… The apex planet is the Gemini Moon in 5H—turn to creativity to let those deep-seated feelings loose. 

Moon square Mars indicates lots of coming and going in his home life, nothing’s ever really stable—ironic considering all that IC in Taurus wants is stability. Moon square Jupiter can be extreme, emotionally fighting on behalf of his beliefs. Defensive over those he cares about. He can make fun of his friends, but you as an outsider can’t. 

Gemini Moon sextile Aries Saturn Rx

Security and long-term goals (Moon and Saturn) meet in active and short-term signs (Aries and Gemini). Dependable, reliable, direct, loyal. This is a fairly serious aspect, but the Aries and Gemini make it more playful and full of banter. He will keep his promises…the Sagittarius Mercury might make them a bit later than you anticipated, though. I think that this aspect calms down a fair amount of the Moon-Jupiter aspect, makes him more chill.

His Moon is important in his chart, really brings together who he is. He has planets in Houses 1, 5, and 9—associated with the fire signs of Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, these bring passion and spirit to everything he does. His sense of self (1H) influences his creativity (5H) which in turn influences other people through his visions (9H). Fantastic for an entertainer. 

✦ Mars in Virgo (Eighth House)

This placement is part of why his stage presence is like that. You know what I mean.

Eighth house, as well as its associates Scorpio and Pluto, tends to scare or intimidate people because it rules over everything from death, rebirth, and surgery to taxes, legacies, inheritances, and anything hidden or taboo. At its core, 8H rules over base instincts, the primal drive within us all. Whatever is buried will eventually surface, sometimes in explosive or drastic ways if not channeled into constructive outlets. This house also symbolizes “that which is shared”—the opposite of 2H, which is what you alone possess. It’s the give and the take, the you and I merging to become we. 7H is initial one on one interactions, and 8H adds depth to these relationships.

Unfortunately, the fact that Mars is in Virgo exacerbates his nitpicky and perfectionistic tendencies, and he’s hypercritical of others (and himself!) if they don’t meet his unachievable standards. “You need to do it this specific way.” And he will do it over and over and over again until it’s right. If he can’t figure it out one way, he will approach it from another way and see if that works instead because he won’t give up and he won’t give anything less than his best. 

His desire is to control and to destroy to create something new. In the overview, I mentioned the need to transform himself, but it’s likely he pushes these ideals of transformation onto others as well—”I can be better than I am now, and you could be better than you are now. Let’s do it together.” Mastery over the self. 

Sun, Venus, Midheaven conjunction

✦ Sun in Scorpio (Ninth House)

The best way to describe any Sun placement in this house is that “life is best viewed as a journey”—it’s about the experience rather than the end result. People with this placement are also the wise counsel and advice givers, however they never follow their own advice. Always seeking, always striving, always attempting to be something more. And this is in Scorpio, the transformer and regenerator. Scorpio gets a bad rep for reasons associated in the Mars section (Scorpio-Pluto-8H connection); he’s simply not afraid to seek out his own vision of the truth, whatever that may be. Intense, loyal, deep. 

✦ Venus in Scorpio (Ninth House)

Love is something all-encompassing… He has strong morals and ideals and a good sense of judgment. Especially since his 9H starts in Libra! This placement appreciates the diversity of life and all the adventure it can bring, including the parts others would love to bury. He keeps the peace—until it needs to be reformed. 

Once someone breaks through the billion walls he has in place to protect himself, he will keep you. Unless you betray him, which is the ultimate offense. Scorpio Venus people find it so difficult to trust others, and when betrayed, you are done for.

He can get along with anyone as long as you let him be his authentic self. If you try to change him against his will, he’ll lock up and shut you out, but you have to accept whatever changes he goes through. 

Some other idols with Scorpio Venus placements are SHINee’s Minho (unknown house with Sagittarius Sun) and Stray Kids’ Bang Chan (sixth house with Libra Sun). All very devoted people. 

✦ Sun-Venus conjunction

Sun and Venus together creates a person who wants to love and be loved, somewhat materialistic, concerned with their relationships to others, concerned with value and worth. “Am I good enough? I must be good enough.” I think this is where his light/dark battle really struggles because he has so much raw intensity inside of him, but this conjunction makes it difficult for him to confront anything too harsh, and he would rather not show himself in an unpleasant light. 

✦ Midheaven conjunction

If the IC is where you come from, the MC or Midheaven is where you are going. It’s often used to interpret someone’s career path as well as how they are perceived by the outer community. Having Sun and Venus altogether here in Scorpio is deeply ambitious and persistent, and he wants to be known for something, for being himself (Sun) or for being fashionable in some regard (Venus). This is indicative of great success in life and receiving massive amounts of love. Sun conjunct MC is indicative of a leader in his field while Venus conjunct MC is indicative of the peacemaker, public popularity, the charmer over the voice of authority. However, this is Scorpio. It’s obsession and power. He will fight to get what he wants. It’s not a steady road or an easy road, but one he’s willing to face. 

✦ Mercury conjunct Pluto in Sagittarius (Tenth House)

To put it simply, words are power. No one can keep a secret from him because this, along with his Mars in 8H, make him able to dredge up any secrets. Good luck hiding fan spaces from him. He likely sees everything. Very persistent.

He’s extremely motivated and driven to achieve his goals, career-oriented, intellect (Mercury) and instinct (Pluto) aligned in higher meaning (Sagittarius) and social status (10H). I honestly don’t know if he’s ever talked about when he decided to become an idol? Once he decided his career path, it’s likely he went all in and used his practical skills to achieve his dreams. (Though with Pluto here, he could end up switching his vocation someday, complete reversal.) His career needs meaning. He likes to be seen as intelligent and reliable. And he is! He is just also doing fifty million things at once. 

✦ Words of advice to him

You are not who you were yesterday, and that’s okay. It’s also okay to let others in and ask for help because you have North Node in 7H—super easy to fall back on emotional distance and selfish behaviors when what you need to excel in life is tapping into your qualities of living life to the fullest surrounded by those whose company you enjoy most. It’s okay to doubt and to destroy and to resurrect something from the ashes. And it’s okay to be yourself because no matter who you are, love will find you.

Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far! I will say it was hilarious to read his chart because I have an incredibly similar chart to him… I’m talking all planets in the same signs except Sun and Jupiter. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed. :) 

Cross-posted on Twitter.

[variousqueerthings]

i do think one of the things i really enjoy about nu!who is that so many of the doctor's relationships are either established to be -- or retroactively written as in the case of some classic!who returning characters -- Super Intense in a way that cannot be quite nailed down. that ambiguity is key to my enjoyment

some of this is because of nu!who playing alloromantic-chicken -- that is, they kinda wanna do something sexy and romantic, which they see as functionally the same thing, but they veer off to the left at the last second every time (which, fascinating to analyse on its own) -- but that just means that these relationships take on a fascinating tinge of not romantic not platonic but a secret (queer) third thing that is heightened because of the science fiction Element of it all (the doctor is an immortal alien who travels around time and space, functionally forever until the show decides otherwise, while everyone else must eventually leave the show for some reason... except for the master, of course, who has themself defined their relationship as basically a secret third thing in canon... in fucking m*ffat's canon no-less), but it is still grounded in incredibly real human identity concepts and relationship constructs... but... not necessarily on purpose a lot of the time? (donna is on purpose, but would they ever describe it as an aroace qpp... maybe one day, I've just gotta get a one-on-one with rtd or david tennant, they'd get it, I know they would!) (my parasocial relationship with these two consists of me explaining aroace queer philosophy to them and both of them nodding and instantly understanding and telling me how smart I am)

this to say that anyone who does enjoy the alloromantic read of things, can obviously have at it, that's their enjoyment and the show doesn't not say that's a possible read, but it's always interesting to me when the people who don't enjoy it can't read (queerly) outside of their amatonormative box to know/understand that there are a million and one ways that these relationships can be described. there's just... no curiosity there in delving into the actual dynamics, because once something has a will-they-won't-they romantic undertone, any interesting analysis of the actual Bones of what's going on just seems to fly out of the window. it's been cursed by amatonormativity. it is nothing other than Romantic. the end

there's something about the way that amatonormativity actively makes interacting with this show worse (it's the inherent aroaceness of the main character and people not engaging with that read because they either don't know aroaceness exists or they don't think it's a real thing or they don't think it's "actually" queer, and so instead the show is hetero-ized, to the point that people might be shocked that the doctor could call a man hot, because nothing else that could be read as queer -- never mind the onscreen gay shit that's happened already -- is happening in this show, that's... that's what it is). it limits the kind of spaces it can go into and it limits the ability to enjoy the intensity of these relationships for what they are in the text, by simply reading what you don't want into it and then making up a guy to get mad at (the exception may be river song's arc, but even that -- in its own, flawed "river song consistently reads as having no self-esteem when it comes to the doctor and was also groomed from birth to be obsessed with them" kind of way -- goes beyond strictly normative alloromantic allosexual reads)

but this show -- specifically nu!who, because classic!who never allowed that kind of ambiguity in the same way from what I've seen so far/have read, the word "Asexual" meant something different on that show (celibacy, monkhood, the learned scholar, etc) -- has (unintentionally?) offered a smorgasbord of intense, well-written, aromantic and asexual relationship dynamics, all centred around one single character, and people don't see it as an option, because they don't quite... get it... as concept... as a real, human concept, not just a science fiction conceit

anyway, the arguably most easily definable relationships the doctor has are with all the characters one might describe from the doctor's perspective as "proteges/students/ersatz children/grandchild," and that's not to say those relationships are not super intense, it's just a slightly easier dynamic to pinpoint and explain (although i think if, for example, bill had met thirteen that dynamic might have become very muddied very quickly......)