#<- APPARENTLY ITS NOT. A WHITE LIZARD.

[unfortunate-development]

LOOK AT THE SHEER FUCKING SIZE OF THIS WHITE LIZARD

[chrisisvbun]

guilty as sin. logan howlett x bunny!femreader

synopsis: after realizing that Jean wasn't really the best option, Logan decides it's time for him to forget about dating and shit and try to put his libido on being an xmen (tho he'll never confess it). That until, in a mission, they find the most dangerous mutant... a bunny mutant.

cw: age gap (logan is 35-40, reader is 25-30); a bit of chasing game; dom!Logan; mention of prostitution, killing, poison, seizures, non-con and neglection; brat!reader but also really submissive; reader goes by she/her, afab terms used top; animalistic stuff like heats, and scents and shit; logan's wolf side is exaggerated; reader is much smaller than Logan; albin!reader and her appearence its described; smut, creampie, praise kink, really animalistic, slight fingering, unprotected p in v. red coded character bcs logan has a type, obviously. A bit of ooc!Logan sorry.

words: 4.3k

second.

☆☆☆

"Show yourself!" Scott's shout echoed in the big house.

"Sure, now they're gonna show themselves, of course." Logan teased, which only earned him a dirty look from Cyclops. "Relax, glasses, I'm sure t-"

Whatever tease was about to come out from Logan's lips was interrupted by the sound of wood cracking. Scott, Jean, Ororo and him looked around, but the first three moved their eyes to Logan, who was the one with sharp audition.

The mission requires the four best mutants of Xavier. The mutant they were chasing was, apparently, the most dangerous mutant around at that time, nobody knew how they looked like, because they were really quiet when killing with some type of poison. The four heroes were expecting any type of lizard or reptile, or a mutant that had poison abilities, so they tried to be as cautious as possible.

Logan looked at began sniffing around, too. I have smelled prey. It was a scent that he had smelled back when he was in the mountains, but never again until that second. He frowned, confused, and wrinkled his nose more like that would help distinguish the source.

"What is it—" Scott asked.

"Sh."

"What is it, Logan?" Jean asked.

Logan sniffed a bit more before answering. "Meat."

"Huh?" Storm said. "Meat?"

Another creek.

Everyone turned their head to try finding the source of the sound. Logan seemed to find it and began approaching slowly to the pile of wood in the corner of the house.

"You can come out."

No answer.

"Come out." He ordered. But still no answer.

It is public knowledge that Logan was not a man of much patience, he snaps quickly, just like now. He dumped the pile of wood away with his claws, to expose the creature behind it.

Everything they expected: a lizard, a reptile, a poison mutant, everything evaporated in the mere thought when Logan saw those long, white, fluffy, bunny ears falling on the sides of your pale face.

Logan frowned, confused. "This is the most dangerous mutant?" He chuckled as he retracted his claws.

You, a bunny mutant, were shaking in tour place, wrapped around yourself while you looked at Logan with eyes bright with fear.

Yeah, a bunny mutant, that's why he smelled meat, why he smelled prey.

"Don't worry, bub. 'not gonna hurt you." He said, looking at you up and down. He reached his forearm for you to grab like he was to scared to put his hands on you in case he would break you. You sniffed at his arm a bit, your flat pink nose moving up and down quickly as you took in his scent.

Shyly, you put your small pale hands on his big forearm and lifted yourself.

Logan didn't miss a chance to check your appearance. You had pale skin, a pinkish hue in your elbows, shoulders, nose, and cheeks, your eyes were big and red, bright as two rubies, your hands were small, you were small in general, and your body was so tiny in comparison to his. So delicate, like porcelain. Like it's been mentioned before, you had a flat, pink nose that wrinkled whenever you began sniffing something, and your pale face was between two long, fluffy, white bunny ears. Logan also noticed how your arms, legs, neck, face, and whole body were covered in a white, soft fur. When you turned around to see the rest of the team, Logan saw your round, fluffy, white bunny tail lifting the back of your short dress.

Wait, a short, slik dress? In a house like this?

Logan instantly frowned, glancing at his team with you still gripping at his forearm.

"Logan, careful." Scott stood in front of Jean, trying to protect her.

"You want to protect her from this?" Logan chuckled, pointing at you. "Sure thing, bub."

"Charles said we were going to meet the most dangerous mutant around..." Jean said.

"I'm sorry, but that doesn't look that dangerous..." Storm crossed her arms, looking at you, smiling at the sight of your white curly hair falling messigly through your shy, scared eyes.

"Why would they say she is dangerous when she looks like this?" Scott put his hands in his waist.

"I don't know, but they seem harmless to me too" Jean peeked through Scott's figure.

"More like a scared little creature rather than a dangerous mutant, yeah" Storm kneeled a bit.

While they talked, Logan was looking at your tail. Yeah, he was almost ignoring your round, fat ass, just looking at your puffy tail. Out of instinct, he moved his hand to touch it, grabbing it in his hand and squeezing a bit, gently.

"Soft..." He mumbled.

Yeah. He better have enjoyed it, because in the second you felt a strange hand from someone who smelled like a predator grabbing your tail from behind, you sank your nails in his chest, the red poison getting in his system for long enough to make Logan faint , but not enough to kill him, just because Scott managed to shoot some tranquilizer in your neck.

(...)

Logan woke up in the nurse bed of the mansion. Because it was a familiar situation, he just stood up, plugged the wires off and walked out, grabbing his white top that was on the chair.

As soon as he had his shirt on, his searched for the team until he found them at Charles office, where he barged in.

"What a pleasant entrance" Scott said in a mumbled, which made Logan roll his eyes.

"What the hell happened and where the fuck is that bunny bitch?" Logan frowned.

"Relax, Logan, we will explain everything" Charles said.

The explanation had a bit of a lore. You were victims of a group of men that experimented with babies to turn them into mutants. But these weren't any men, and they didn't want any mutants. We are talking about pimps indeed, and they decided, after investigating the porn industry for a long time, to create women that had everything a nasty, kinky man would want, they created a mutant for every fetish a man could imagine. For example, a bunny woman. Of course, they also took their time to perfect this and made them age slower, so even though you were close to thirty, you hardly looked twenty. And obviously, they didn't do it for the hell of it, clients paid big amounts of money to have a scent of you. Men took their time to praise you before taking you over and over again. You were desired and you hated it.

This went through since you were fifteen, of course in this type of industry, age was the last thing they cared about. And they had you in the worst conditions ever, not just you, because it wasn't just you. There were too many women in those conditions, in that situation. To say a number, you once counted fifty in one room, and there were more than forty rooms, you do the math. all stacked, one over the other in not enough beds, crying, suffering, your bodies bruised, dirty, abused.

Logan couldn't help but feel bad. Bad is an understatement. Awful. Because how such a delicate, pure thing like you could have gone through that? He was furious.

The end of the story is that the tools those men used to turn you into a mutant had... imperfections, which caused your defensive ability. You had a chemical that they've used on the creation of your mutation running through your blood and you were able to expulse it through your fingertips, so when you sank your nails into someone's flesh, the poison went through your nails to get to that person's system, causing a seizure that led them to death, of course.

Thanks to Logan's healing abilities, that didn't happen, but Logan noticed how you were determined to do it, to kill him, how scared you were of, not him, but every single man that laid his hands on you without your consent.

The reason why you were in that silk, dark green dress, that covered your body till half way of your thigh, was that that was the last 'meeting' you had with a man. You had been convocated to get to that cabin with another woman, before that happened, the pimps were already suspecting that you were the one that was killing all of their clients, and you suspected that you weren't gonna go home after that 'meeting' in the cabin with a regular.

Thinking about it, you didn't mind the sex. The clients were usually handsome men, and because you were 'the bunny girl' they've always praised you over and over again, you were the pretty bunny, you were a delicate feather, they didn't want to break you, even the ones that had a corruption kink. You were the premium meat, that's what they used to call you when selling you, you were available for the best and only the best clients. You were the luckiest, and the one that worked harder, because you would've gotten touched and fucked at least two times a day. The thing that made you sick was the context, you knew that you would love to fuck those men if you would've done it willingly, but the mere thought of someone paying to have the freedom to use you made you sick. Why? You didn't understand, they were handsome men, and they could've found a pretty woman like you in a bar if they wanted. But no, why? Because they wanted the bunny. The fat prize.

But when the pimps began suspecting, the type of men that you were given to began to be worse, not because they were ugly, but because they were less kind. This last client was one of those, and for your luck, this girl that came with you was one of your closest friends, a girl that was also a hybrid, an orange cat hybrid. And the mess started.

The second the client began to get violent, you sank your claws into his shoulders and watched him faint above you. In that second, the security of the pimps walked in and tried to get rid of you, making a mess in the house till you managed to get rid of all. You were punched and bruised, fortunately, no open wounds, but you were exhausted. Your friend got rid of the bodies and said they were going to find help, but never came back. You thought she got caught, and that's why she never came back, but a part of you feared that maybe she just ran away and left you there.

Anyway, that's how you ended up there, in that dress, covered in that mess of a house. Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing, the team always thought they could avoid all of the mutants' pain, but they didn't know half of them to even start thinking about saving them.

"She is going to stay, of course. Not only for her safety but also because we have to get as much information as we can of this sick business" Charles explained.

And that's what happened. Logan stepped in the kitchen where you were sitting peacefully, with a bowl of cereal, binging at it like it was your last meal. The second your gazes connected, you couldn't help to get embarrassed and put the bowl down, sitting straight as looking at him. "Hi." You mumbled shyly.

"Hi there, bun." He smiled. Not just you but everyone was surprised that he wasn't mad at you.

"I'm sorry... that I tried killing you... you scared me" You said, playing with your spoon.

Logan chuckled. "That's okay, bunny, it's in the past." He leaned on the counter, you had a grey jumper with the school logo, and grey sweatpants and you were barefoot, your toes didn't even reach the floor. "That jumper suites you."

"You think I'm a prey." You talked on top of him. A silence built between you two, and you broke it. "You are a wolf, aren't you?"

"Yes and no, sweetheart." He sighed. "You do smell like a good piece of meat, tho"

You frowned a bit. "A piece of meat?"

Logan pressed his lips in a line. "Yeah, that didn't sound pretty well, did it?"

"Surely didn't" You put your plate on the sink next to him, and he took his time to see your tail peeking between your jumper and your sweatpants.

"It was soft, you know?" He cleared his throat.

"I live with it 24/7" You said, putting your clean plate in the dryer before looking at him. "Of course I know it's soft."

Logan chuckled. "Careful with your tone, rabbit".

You raised an eyebrow, not really enjoying the tease. "Dumb wolf." You muttered before walking to your room.

You didn't like him, yeah. But he? Oh, he craved you.

(...)

Slowly, you began to adapt to your new life. It was hard, you went through a life in which you were neglected and abused, to one where you had anything you could ask for.

Months came by, and Xavier asked you to coordinate the art club, which you gladly did since you loved art.

You hung out a lot with Ororo, Kurt, surprisingly Logan (more like joking, teasing and mocking you until you git comfortable enough to through them back at him), and the kids, you didn't avoid the rest, but you were pretty shy, so you didn't approach them.

But of course, you couldn't ignore the times were Logan stood in the doorframe of your classroom and watched you teach the kids, your apron covered in paint as you tried to help the teens and the little ones to paint on their canvases. You also couldn't ignore the way he smiled at you, always saying that he is just checking that Rouge is having a good time.

You also noticed how mad he would get whenever you spoke to Kurt in the library, how would you look up at him, accommodating your white hair behind your ear as you smiled. He could get so pissed with just that, so furious because he wanted those smiles, he wanted to see your skin wrinkle around your red eyes standing in front of you, looking at you, having you looking at him.

Having you.

Gosh, what was wrong with him?

It was something primal that got him whenever he saw your white body hair, or whenever he saw you in the living your, cutting your dresses so you could accommodate your pompom tail, or whenever you watched television with Ororo in the TV room, surrounded by the kids, wearing some cozy pajamas.

He didn't put a single finger on you, tho. He has never touched that hairy skin of your, tho he craved it.

He couldn't understand if he sexually wanted you or if he was just so desperate for your attention. Maybe both. Maybe none... no, definitely both, yeah.

He could dream about you for a week, about having you in his arms, sometimes not doing anything, just running his hands through your fur up and down slowly, petting you, showing you how much of him you had. Other nights, he was just fantazising about parting your wet cunt in half with his cock.

He is not guilty, he thinks, it's normal. Although, he was indeed thinking like a teen.

One of sleepover nights, he was drinking a coke with Bobby in the kitchen, hearing you laugh and chat with Ororo and the rest of the kids until he just heard your voice and Rouge's. Both boys stood up and peeked through the living room, seeing all the kids and Ororo sleeping, one girl had her head in your lap as you caressed her ginger hair softly. When both of you heard them approach, you turn to them and giggled.

"What's so funny?" Bobby asked Rouge.

"Nothing, nothing" she giggled, looking at the white-haired one.

"Wolf, help me get the kids to bed" you said, passing right by him with a girl in your hands.

Logan sighed, pressing his tongue in the inside of his bottom lip. "Yes, ma'am" he said, and grabbed one kid in his arms.

"Bobby, Marie, you too. Go to sleep, come on." You said, both kids sighed and nodded.

When everyone was all tucked in at their rooms (including Ororo) you began climbing upstairs.

"Bunny."

You flipped around, looking at him with those big eyes he loved so bad.

"Hm..."

Some way, you were sitting on the counter, him in a chair of the kitchen table, both drinking from your cola bottles silently. He couldn't take his eyes from you, you are wearing a red silk pajama, thin straps held your breasts from peeking out from that thin fabric, and the scent of your exposed skin was driving him mad. He was about to get feral, that a sure thing. And seeing your white-haired thighs brushing against each other as you bounced your lega in the counter wasn't helping him either.

"So..." He started, trying to distract himself. "You adapted pretty well" he took a sip.

"Uh-hum." You said, playing with the straw of your bottle. "Ororo and Kurt helped a lot."

Logan grumbled at the mention of the German. "Yeah, Kurt..."

"Yeah, Kurt." You repeated with a giggle at his disgusted tone. "What's the matter with him?"

"Nothing, nothing, he is just a weirdo".

"We are all weirdos here, Logan" You laughed, taking a sip.

"He is just a guy with weird eyes and fur, no big deal." He rolled his eyes.

You raised your eyebrows. "What am I then?" You crossed your legs.

Logan looked at you, the white fur in your bare legs and your red big eyes, and he chuckled.

"You don't want me to answer that, bunny." he drank the whole bottle.

"No, please, illuminate me, wolf." You crossed your arms too. "Because last time I checked I also have a strange eye color and fur all over. What am I?" You got off the counter, still crossing your arms as you looked at him cleaning the glass bottle.

He put it on the counter with a dry noise, looking down at you with a small smirk.

"You are a beautiful, small, vulnerable, delicious bunny with gorgeous ruby eyes and fucking cutest fur i've ever seen" He smiled as biting his lip, looking down at you, taking long steps to approach to you, as you stepped back. "You happy?"

"What makes you think I'm delicious?" You asked, stepping into the wall.

Logan chuckled dryly again. "Out of all the things I said, you kept that?" He laughed. "Damn rabbit, you know well that I can smell how sweet you are."

"I don't." You stepped firm, crossing your arms, looking at him. You tried to stay firm but as you could smell him, he obviously could scent your arousal. He was laughing at you.

He sighed exaggerating, looking at you up and down. "You smell really good, bunny, and you are so tiny too, you know how much I'm restraining myself to not scoop you up?" He kept teasing you, loving how, with every word, you were squeezing harder against nothing.

He got closer, one hand on the wall and the other moving up your thigh, not touching you. You looked confused and he looked up at you, pausing everything.

"May I?" He asked, your felt your breath hitch in your throat as you nodded, you could've came right there. God, he was doing the bare minimum and he was so hot while that.

"Yeah..." You answered in a nod.

His hand pressed against your thigh, his fingertips squeezed around the white hair of your leg, he smiled at the feeling. "So soft, such a soft flesh, bunny. I could devour you."

God, please do. You didn't know why or when Logan became so hot, maybe all the teasing, all the mocking, and all the jokes were a way for you guys to mate. You don't really care now, your throbbing pussy either. You don't remember if you got this wet when he asked to touch you, when he called you delicious, when he asked you to have a drink with him in the kitchen or when he peeked through the living room wearing that tight white top that showed his huge tanned shoulders so perfectly. Definitely the last one, yeah.

His hand began to climb up, your hands gripped his shoulders as your breath got heavier. His touch was gentle and soft, like you were made out of porcelain. His hands touched your center, that point were your lips touched against each other again in your juicy pussy, he chuckled in a mocking tongue. "What got you so wet, bub? I didn't even started" He said in your mouth, laughing on top of your lips.

Your body began to warm up, your whole body began to get so hot and sweaty as his fingers bullied your clothed entrance. "That's it, that's a good bunny. 'M getting you all ready for me, I don't need you wet for this, I need you dripping" He was teasing you so bad, mocking your reactions at his fingers in your most sensitive part. When you frowned, he did the same, when you opened your mouth to moan, he would imitate you too. "Such a pretty little thing, getting all wet for your mate."

"Logan, please..."

"Please what, rabbit?" He pushed the clothes covering your heat.

"Please! I need..." You tried to talk, but moaned loudly.

"You need what, bunny? Use that pretty mouth of yours." He used his free hand to squeeze your cheeks until your mouth was opened. "Gosh, one day I'm gonna fill that mouth of yours. I want this beautiful lips around some good stuff, but not now, sweetheart, I need to show you what you are here for, bun'".

(...)

Your face was pressed on the cold counter of the kitchen, your mouth drooled your saliva as you tried to speak, only being able to babble some incoherent words. Your saliva was mixing with your pleasure and pain tears, because Logan was gripping your bunny ears tight from behind as he thrusts against your wet, tight pussy. His free hand us pressing your middle back, making you arch your spine, giving him the best angle ever as you cried and moaned.

His tip was hitting your cervix perfectly, your velvety insides were squeezing him tight, almost sucking him in. He groaned every time he thrusted his hips against your ass, the kitchen getting filled with the wet noises of his balls against your skin. He looked down to the spot where his cock disappeared inside of you, the ring of precum mixed with your slick in his base.

Your toes hurt as you were on your tiptoes and your nails scratched the marble of the counter in desperation as he quicked his pace.

"Gosh, bunny, so freaking tight..." He growled under his breath. Even though you had been fucked a lot, you were still so tight inside, and he was going nuts about it.

He moved the hand that he had in your back to your low stomach, caressing your womb and almost moaning at the feeling of his tip pressing against it.

"Taking me so freaking well, gosh." He bit his lip and closed his eyes as he kept fucking you.

You were so cock drunk from him, you had a very sexual life but no cock had opened you so well like Logan's did. Not only it was huge, but also it was so warm that almost felt like a cuddle for your insides. From now on, you are sure that you'll get wet with just the thought of his warm, fat cock inside of you.

"Please..." you cried and drooled, Logan chuckled, his eyes still closed.

"Please what, rabbit?" He teased.

You moved your hips in circles and he pulled your ears more, making you lift your head from the counter.

"Words." He ordered.

" 'm gonna come..." You managed to say, hissing in a beautiful pain. "M-may I?"

So fucking polite, he thought.

"I couldn't deny you that, no when you asked so nicely, bun'" He smiled widely and bit his lip, starting to fuck you almost brutally. "Come on my cock, be a good bunny."

You screamed at his new pace, your hands gripping the edge of the counter, crying pathetically when his cock began hitting your sweet point.

He was looking for your pleasure desperately, he wanted you to feel so good, so drunk in him. And god he was being successful, you had never been so well fucked, he was taking great care of you.

It didn't take you much longer to come in his cock, your body shivering as saliva dripped on the counter with your tears, your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you tensed your body and your pussy began dripping your release.

You didn't notice you were about to wall in the ground until Logan hugged your waist and flush you against him completely, filling you with his seed, you swear you heard him moan in your ear as he did, even though he is sure he doesn't moan.

He leaned against the table for a second, still hugging you and panting heavily. His hand caressed your belly with lazy patterns.

"Too rough?" He asked. You denied.

"Just perfect." You answered breathlessly, he huffed a smile. "Thanks."

"Anytime, bunny."

"I have a name, you know?" You chucked a bit.

"Bunny suits you better." He kissed your shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up so you can rest that pretty ass for yours." You laughed as he lifted you, grabbing your princess style to walk you to your room.

[qin-qin16]

cw.: Alphys x Reader, gn!reader, fluff, established relationship, reader is kinda flirty, its short but its cute… 

note: @twinribbonz @toffeebrews and I guess @vanglaggle?? The Alphys’s defenders

Reptiles are cold-blooded, a fact widely known across the world. Their scaly bodies aren’t made for freezing environments, especially when covered by a thick layer of snow – what cold-blooded creature would be foolish enough to live in a place its body wasn’t naturally built to survive in?

Apparently, your monster girlfriend.

"If you wanted to see me so badly, you could’ve just called, sweetie." You adjust the scarf around Alphys’ short neck, covering as much of her little yellowish scales as possible. "I don’t want to lose my girlfriend to hypothermia." As worried as you were, you couldn't help but let a hint of teasing slip into your voice, finishing with a smug smile as your face neared hers.

As expected, the lizard began to stutter — and if you were in a more cozy place, her stammering would probably be paired with a warm orange blush on her cheeks, shining through her yellow scales.

"I-I just came to r-return the books you le-lent me!" She answered quickly, her little eyes darting everywhere but your face. You didn't mind the lack of eye contact, not when your gaze was busy admiring the figure in front of you.

Alphys was bundled up from head to toe, with a fluffy hat hiding part of her natural crown and layers of clothing keeping her warm against the cold — her plump tail even wrapped in a special sock covered in white polka dots. In her hands, she held a small stack of books — one of them with a slightly dented cover, you noticed.

Perfect. Your hands moved from the scarf down to the collar of her coat, adjusting the edges to protect her little neck better — who were you kidding? Your fingers merely played with the fabric between them as your gaze drifted over her yellow face (or what was visible behind those round glasses).

"Yeah?" It slips out softly from your mouth as you feel your smile soften. "Thanks, sweetheart, but next time, just call me. I'll come wherever you are, okay?" You don’t think twice before giving her snout a gentle squeeze with your fingers, watching her let out a small, surprised squeak.

"You know I hate it when you do that..." Alphys retorts, scratching her snout, but you can’t help but notice the not-so-subtle wag of her tail.

"No, you don’t hate it." You take the books from her covered hands, noticing that the tips of her gloves were made from a tougher fabric — likely to prevent them from tearing due to her claws, which, even though rounded, still did quite a bit of damage. "C’mon, get inside. We can finish that anime we started last week." The moment you mentioned it, Alphys’ face lit up, her little eyes practically shining like tiny stars.

Truly perfect.

[tachimichishrine]

"sap"

⫭◦ପଓ◦⫬

tachihara machizou x fem! hirotsu's daughter! reader

warnings: nsfw ; shower sex ; oral (receiving); masturbation (m); cursing ; bondage; fluff to smut ; idk how to write warnings; unedited ill do that later

being a part of the black lizard had its fun, but some days were boring, like today; tachihara slumped his body against the wall as he stole glances at hirotsu, who seemed just as disinterested.

"cigarette?" the old man offered, placing one in his mouth and lighting it while gunshots rang out in the background. some small rival organization - even rival was a generous word - had "forgotten" to pay back the port mafia. one warning was given and they were told to go fuck themselves, so the black lizard battalion was called. apparently, this organization had some kind of powerful ability users as executives, but whoever they were, they didn't show up for the slaughter.

grunts, low level thugs and anyone else got caught in the crossfire. both mafia members watched the wall of suits fire off enough gunshots to fill up the night sky if bullets were stars.

"i still don't get why we gotta be here for this," tachihara grumbled, taking the offer and placing the plume of smoke to his lips. "seems like they just talk a whole lot of shit."

"it's never wrong to be cautious," the senior member retorted. he puckered his lips and made a ring of grey that floated listlessly in the atmosphere alongside the smell of blood. "the boss specifically warned me about a dangerous woman who could wipe out our troops in one shot."

lips curled around the cigarette, sucked on the nicotine and exhaled pure sarcasm. "yeah, well looks like she's a real pain in our asses."

a few moments passed in silence - or rather, with only white noise echoing in the abandoned warehouse, white noise being a steady stream of gunshots. it was music to both their ears - and surely enough, no one showed up. every thug had enough bullet holes in them to make the notion that a single one survived laughable. tachihara pressed his forearm to the wall and pushed himself off, stretching dramatically with a sigh.

before he could complain again about how lame this mission was, the wall exploded.

not so much an "explosion" as a deformation. it was pushed back, and tachihara barely had the time to react before a giant hole was pierced and a woman came out.

"well, fuck," she glanced at the sea of corpses on the ground, then back at tachihara with a playful smirk. "I guess you're the mafia shithead who I was just told I gotta put down. sucks that I got here late though; if you hadn't killed all my subordinates, I might've let you live, pretty boy."

she looked young, too young to be an executive. despite this, she walked with the kind of confidence that got his skin crawling in anticipation. finally, this night gets more interesting.

he pulled his guns out of their holsters and pointed them straight at her face, mimicking her expression. "you're shit out of luck, lady, 'cause I'm gonna-"

"[_____]?"

hirotsu, who had been briefly blown out of the way, came walking back in with a look of shock on his face. the redhead rolled his eyes; he didn't care whether or not the old man knew this lady, he was going to blow her brains out.

only, as his gaze reverted back onto her, she had the same expression as hirotsu did.

in fact, she was blushing, embarrassed like a schoolgirl who'd gotten caught.

"...dad?!"

what the fuck?

tachihara felt his hands lower a little as he took in the situation, and his eyes just kept darting to his superior, then to his enemy. shellshocked isn't the right word, they were looking at each other like neither had a clue what to say.

"shouldn't you be in school?!"

"dad, since when are you in the fucking mafia?!"

"language!"

the woman dropped her gun, groaning with her face in her hands, muttering to herself. "great, this is great. what the hell?! I knew you did shady business, but I didn't think-"

"is this where your university fund money has gone?" the mafioso's face was red too, from what could only be guessed to be anger mixed in with shame and shock.

"no, I'm still in class, I just... hey, don't distract me, old man. why didn't you tell me you were in the port mafia?"

"why didn't you tell me you were a gangster?!"

"because it's none of your business!"

tachihara's presence grew smaller and smaller as he watched the whole debate happen. it was awkward in a manner he couldn't describe, as he felt not only that he was intruding, but that this was definitely not something he should be listening to. he tucked his guns away, mostly out of respect for hirotsu and the fact that he wasn't about to shoot what appeared to be his daughter.

a few moments later they were hugging.

"sorry dad," she muttered as she pulled away from the embrace. "if I had known, I would've told you..."

"it's alright, but you shouldn't keep things like these from me, [_____]."

sighing, the woman chuckled nervously then promised she wouldn't. she crossed her arms and leaned her back against the deformed wall, then took a look around. she seemed to suddenly notice that tachihara was still there.

"well..." she looked at him then giggled a little, likely embarrassed about the whole situation. "I guess I'm not gonna kill you after all, huh?"

he didn't know what to say, because what is there to say? obviously, this conflict couldn't go anywhere further. thankfully, hirotsu intervened. "what will you tell your superiors?"

"no idea. they just called me to ask me to return to base to protect all of these hopeless fuckers-"

"language."

her eyes rolled. "dad, I'm not 5, I can swear. pretty boy here agrees, don't you, red?"

it took tachihara a moment to realize she was talking about him. once again, his mouth opened but his boss was quicker to respond.

"do you throw yourself at all men like this, [_____]? I thought I raised you better than that."

ignoring his comment with a wave of her hand in the air as though swatting away a fly, she continued. "as I was saying, they just called me. I could technically tell them that I got here too late and the culprits were gone, but I don't think that would bode well with the news that they just lost 90% of their entry-level grunts."

slightly annoyed, the tuffs of grey hair nodded. "you're right, they won't. what's your plan, then?"

a shrug and a pursing of lips. "no clue. you sure I can't just kill red and bring his body to-"

"why don't you just join the port mafia?"

the suggestion came from the one who had barely spoken all night. of course, he didn't think hirotsu would actually let him be used as a scapegoat, but all this banter felt useless. "since your organization is dead in the water anyways. if you just leave, they'll kill you as their final act, but if you join the mafia, you'll have protection."

another shrug. "he's not wrong," she said, "plus, I could just work with you."

hirotsu wanted to protest, but logically, they were both right. despite not wanting his daughter to get involved, he had faith in the mafia like no other member, and was loyal to no ends.

and that's how hirotsu [_____] found herself a member of the black lizard.

her father hated it, of course. the only people who knew they were related was tachihara and gin, the latter picking up on it after a while of noticing them bickering like they had a past.

over time, tachihara got snippets of the story. it seems like at some point, the old man had some sort of relationship with a woman who didn't know he was in the port mafia. time progressed, and they drifted apart. 5 years later, he saw her again with a child's hand in her own.

it was the only time hirotsu had ever requested time off from the mafia.

it was awkward, his former lover telling him that she didn't think he needed to know about it because she wanted to raise the child herself. however, that's not the kind of man he was, let alone the kind of man he'd ever been. it started by asking her name, then he wanted to be properly introduced to her. after a few years, he would have coffee with his partially estranged daughter every other month. he often sent money, which was never used out of pride. when [_____] decided to pursue her studies, she found the stash of cash her mother had been hiding and decided she didn't care for pride. apparently, she was jumped when getting home after a long day of lectures, and her use of her ability got people talking. before she knew it, she was being recruited to the underground for enough money to set her for life.

it took several years for her relationship with hirotsu to improve, but there seemed to be some kind of mutual respect between father and daughter.

not in the mafia.

"dad, I'm not going to do something just because you-"

"I'm your superior, [_____], you can't give me attitude like a teenager. and don't call me dad in these settings."

tachihara thought it was funny. she seemed to like innocently getting on her dad's nerves, and she often used him to do it. she'd get bold some nights and flirt with him right in front of the old man's face. tachihara would feel guilty if he didn't think it was fucking hilarious.

on this particular evening, she didn't seem to have anything better to do than pester him and do her absolute best to get on his nerves.

"so you're saying you've never seen him drunk? not even once?" she giggled, sitting on the table as he tried to write his report for their last mission. her feet were swinging and the table would shake with every swing of her legs, and it was getting harder and harder to concentrate.

"no, look, can you just shut the fuck up for a second so I can write this?" he nearly snapped the pencil in half. her smirk only grew at the sight of him being frustrated. "do you really have nothing better to do with your time?"

"nahh." her chest vibrated with a playful chuckle. she tilted her head at him, then slammed her hand onto the pile of papers he was trying to fill in. "this is lame, paperwork isn't for our kind. c'mon, don't tell me this isn't boring you out of your mind, red. let's go do something else."

one fleeting thought of 'fuck it', and suddenly they were at a bar, downing shots like they were on a mission.

"I bet... you couldn't handle 3 more," she slurred, liquid swirling around dangerously close to the rim of the glass, threatening to spill over. somehow, her shit eating grin was unaffected by the liquor; if anything, she'd gotten worse. her fingers would settle on his thighs grip too tight and too far up, the tips of her shoes would play footsie with him, and she straight-up tried to kiss him a few times. she couldn't handle her drinks very well, and he had only now realized what a stupid decision it was to take her up on her offer.

"that's enough for the whole month, [_____]," he rolled his eyes with his signature scoff, and grabbed her wrist to push it away from where she was teasing at. "you need to go home."

"are you finally gonna take me home, pretty boy?" she tried to lean in again, and he scooted backwards. flirting with his boss' daughter for fun was one thing, but something about her demeanor tonight seemed serious. he just hoped she was too drunk to remember the blush dusting his cheekbones.

"I am going to call you a cab." he enunciated every word clearly so she understood it, but as soon as his hand reached into his pocket, she placed hers on top to stop him.

the look in her eyes looked completely sober.

"I'm serious," she whispered, and he could practically feel her gaze on his lips. her eyes darted back up to his own, but before she could say something else that would confuse him further, she seemed to realize her words and her entire face flushed a deeper colour.

she stammered something incomprehensible, threw way too much cash onto the table and walked (if you can call it that) outside. tachihara didn't know what to do, so he just watched her go. she'll probably be fine. probably.

he didn't know why his face felt so hot and his cheeks hurt from a subtle smile.

weeks later, and they'd made a tradition of skipping out on reports to go do something, anything except what they were supposed to do. walking along abandoned streets at night in hopes of picking up a fight, or going to a bar and picking someone for the other to take in a fistfight. a lot of it involved fighting. all of it, really. they'd show up to work the next day littered in matching bruises, and hirotsu's face would glow red and he'd have to excuse himself. giggling like children who knew exactly what they were doing.

tonight, tachihara got knocked out by a man twice his size, and it took her using her ability to get him to back off her partner in crime. she dragged him to her apartment to put some ice on it.

"that was really funny," she teased, tossing him a bag of assorted frozen items to place on his temple, which took the brunt of it. "I though you were really a goner for a second, there."

"ha, ha." the sarcasm was dry, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy the thrill of seeing his life flash before his eyes. "I would've liked to see you try."

"an ambulance had to pick up the guy after I was done with him," she retorted, sitting on the sofa next to him with her feet up on the armrest. "actually, I've been meaning to ask you something."

a sigh in response. he took off the frozen bag from his skin and set it on the table, then looked at her. she winced.

"that's gonna need stitches, tachi," she remarked, then thought for a little bit. "I have glue somewhere, we can use that for now then have the port mafia medic fix it tomorrow, yeah?"

she didn't wait for a response, disappeared and reappeared after a string of curses thrown at herself for not being organized enough to know where she puts things. she had what was possibly medical glue but also possibly craft glue in her hands, and she glared at him. "lay down, dr. [_____] is here to save the day."

he quirked up a brow, then quickly relaxed his face after realizing the pain that was brought on by doing that. "weren't you drunk earlier tonight?"

"greatness knows not the bounds of liquor."

"what the fuck does that mean?"

she only giggled, then sat next to his head as she pinched together the skin and tried to apply the glue. her hands were shaking and it was clear she had no idea what she was doing, but tachihara prayed she was doing more good than harm. although, who knows.

"ow, ow, take it fucking easy," he grit his teeth together as she manhandled his injury. he could've sworn he saw her grinning at his pain.

"calm down princess, I'm done," she raised her hands in a sign of innocence, then took a closer look at her work.

tachihara watched in slow motion as her gaze moved further and further up his face.

"is... is your hair dyed?"

the room went dead silent. he had no idea what to respond, and for the first time since he joined the mafia, he felt stupid for letting his guard down. how did he forget to retouch his roots and then let someone get so close? how-

"you'd look really cute with black hair."

...what?

"that's your natural hair colour, right?" she kept going, raking her fingertips through his hair. "man, I feel lied to, I called you red for so long. why'd you dye it?"

"because I fuckin' felt like it," he grumbled out, having no other response. he felt such relief when she just giggled to his answer.

"fair enough. red was definitely the right colour, though. you'd look like shit if you went blonde."

he was so glad she let it go. he tried to sit upright, his head still throbbing from the pain, but she just looked at him curiously.

"I'll get you another mystery frozen item from the freezer," she laughed, getting up and rummaging through her kitchen. even with her face in the door of the fridge, she spoke, "I still haven't asked you my question from before, by the way. I just wanted to know how you got into the mafia."

out of one tight situation and into another.

he considered it; he considered it long and hard, way before she'd ever even asked the question. most of the time, if anyone asks, he'd just say it was none of their business. but he couldn't get away with that kind of response with her.

so, he told the truth.

"my... my brother joined the army during the great war. I just... I hated being compared to him by my family, so I wanted to get as far away as possible from his path, and ended up at the mafia. nothing much to it."

at least, part of the truth.

she pulled her face out of the fridge, looking at his expression for a moment. she tossed him another frozen bag and quickly sat back at his side.

"that sucks. was dying your hair also part of your rebellious phase?"

his nostrils flared at her teasing and he rolled his eyes, barely holding back a grin. "shut up."

laughing, she moved her body closer to his and put a hand on his delicately. "seriously, though, sorry to hear that your family didn't treat you right. I mean... I don't have that with my parents, but I know that it's tough being compared with someone else. but I don't know how that would apply to you. you're literally who I wanted to grow up to be."

he put down the ice pack because clearly it was affecting his hearing.

"like... I dunno. you're a badass who doesn't take shit from anybody. I mean, sure, you get your ass handed to you in bar fights and you don't have an ability, but so what? dad respects you, and so do I. not really sure how your brother compares to that."

this time, there wasn't anything to hide the stupid expression on his face. he just looked at her blankly like he'd never received a compliment in his life, which made her laugh even more.

"man, you really do have self-esteem issues, dontcha? if I had known you couldn't handle compliments, I would've said this ages ago. anyways," she got up, again, and stretched out her back, "don't worry about it, let's pretend that conversation ended there. so, are we dying your hair at your place or mine? because I don't have any dye and the store closes soon if we're gonna go buy some."

his mind could barely keep up with the way she was jumping from topic to topic. in the end, he just pushed his confession and her response to the back of his mind, and got up as well with a shrug. "my place, then. but you don't need to-"

"nonsense! I've been wanting to try to dye someone else's hair forever. plus, you're my partner in crime, I can't let anyone see that you're a big fat liar of a redhead."

her laugh felt so comforting to him. he felt like he was floating out of her apartment, out onto the street and all the way back to his own. his mind was just a blur (maybe it was from a concussion from the blow?) and in no time, he found himself sitting down with his head in between her thighs, gloved fingers massaging his scalp.

"okay, so the instructions say to rinse off and you're good!" she beamed, looking at her work proudly. "no need to thank me, by the way. despite my professional work, this one's on the house."

he chuckled, getting up and being careful not to get anything to touch the stained hair. "fine, then I won't thank you. I could've done this myself too, but you insisted, so if anything I should be charging you money."

shaking her head aggressively, she placed a finger on his lips while attempting to look solemn. "in that case, let us never speak of this again."

a few more minutes, and he was in the shower, the excess red streaming down from the water and making a puddle at his feet. she kept talking to him, loudly, from the other side of the door.

"how's it going so far?"

"it's almost all out, just be patient, damn," he laughed back, the final bits of red coming out of his hair until all the water that went through his hair came out clear. he turned off the faucet, and the stream stopped. he had barely dried his hair and wrapped a towel around his hips before he saw the door open.

"[_____], what the fuck-"

"sh, I want to see how it came out," she strolled right up to him and grabbed his face with one hand, tilting it in different directions to see all angles of his wet hair. as if he wasn't nearly naked right now. as if this was perfectly normal. "it looks good, but it's still wet so the colour doesn't show fully yet, right?"

he grabbed her hand and pulled it off of his face, looking at her seriously. "[_____], don't play dumb, you-"

"... saw an opportunity to see you shirtless, and I took it," she shot him a grin. then she suddenly seemed to get a little sad as she shook her head. "sorry, that isn't funny. um... I'll wait outside."

he watched her walk out just as quickly as she walked in. he slipped on his clothes quickly, then walked out to go find her standing at the entrance, putting on her shoes. ready to leave.

"hey, what are you..."

she cut him off, not even maintaining eye contact as she slipped her heel downwards and tied up the shoelaces. "look, tachi, I'm sorry. I just get excited sometimes and forget you don't feel the same way."

"what the fuck do you mean, don't feel the same way?"

now, her gaze met his. she looked confused. "I told you, weeks ago, that I was serious about the flirting. I even tried to kiss you, and kept dodging, so I got the message. it's fine, I get it. boss' daughter, or maybe I'm just not your type or whatever, but it's okay. I don't mind, I'm getting over it."

"holy fuck, [_____], you were drunk when you said that and I thought you were..."

he couldn't finish his thought. it was hard not to notice the hope in her eyes as she seemed to realize that he hadn't actually said no yet.

so, he said yes.

she kicked off her shoes hastily as his hands went to her waist and he pushed her back against the wall, lips eagerly devouring hers. her head slammed backwards, but her hips were pushed forwards to meet his own. her hands on his chest; one of his on her waist while the other secured itself at the base of her neck, pulling her in closer.

it was hot sweaty and fast, and they ended up back in the shower. he didn't expect her hands to roam the way they did, but she'd managed to have his entire chest coated in her touch before they even made it inside.

she murmured his name into his lips, and he responded by biting her lower lip harder. her fingertips were now on his back, his tight frame feeling warm and so right as it grinded on hers. her thigh went up to his side, and tachihara realized just how much she wanted him. fuck. he couldn't believe he waited so long for this for no reason.

he dropped down to his knees. as soon as she saw him look up, her thighs clenched together and he could feel them shaking in anticipation. he threw one leg over his shoulder and his breath barely hit her pussy before he was eating her out like a man starved.

and she was so damn loud. every flick of his tongue on her clit, every time he sucked on her lips, every thrust of his fingers inside of her, she seemed to get more vocal. at first, it was just curses, mumbling fuck like it was the only word left in her vocabulary. then his name. he'd never heard her say it like that before; she'd called him tachi sometimes, but never michizou. just the sound had him dragging his free hand from her ass down to his erection, palming himself as she kept moaning out for him. it was worse when she'd roll out the praises. fuck you feel so good... michizou, hngg... fuck keep doing it like that, you're so perfect... and she'd gasp as he sucked on her needy pussy and tell him how perfect he felt inside of her all over again.

he couldn't even handle getting her to climax before he lost control. his face was still buried between her legs, but he couldn't concentrate on the way her hips would grind on his face anymore. he needed relief and he needed it fast. she glanced down to find him pounding himself, and her hand at the back of his head gripped down on his hair and yanked him upwards. back on his feet, she brought his lips back to her own before briefly pulling away, spitting in her hand and taking his cock in it.

his forehead was pressed up against hers, but he was having trouble maintaining the kiss through broken moans and grunts. he'd try to bite his lower lip to muffle a whimper, but every time he did, she would just pump him harder until it was impossible to muffle the sounds he was making. every scream from his lips drove her pace to the next gear until he was coming undone under the soft drizzle of hot water droplets, washing down his cum from her stomach.

she took it slower, gentler as he felt so fucking raw from falling apart so fast under her touch. she let go of him and placed his cock between her thighs and pressed them together, letting him rock his hips and fuck them as she kisses him again. her lips get rougher, as she goes from peppering his jawline with love to nibbling on his earlobe to piercing his skin and leaving marks on his neck that won't go away anytime soon. he arcs his neck backwards, tilting his chin upwards to give her better access as she gets greedier and greedier, taste of his flesh intoxicating her.

"michizou..." she sighed into his skin, then brought his face back up to her level, one hand in his hair and the other positioned on his abdomen as her thighs are glistening from the hot water vapor of the shower, her arousal trickling down and the pre-cum already leaking out his tip. "fuck, michizou, your body... you're so gorgeous, I just want to wreck you until you forget your own fucking name." her words weren't particularly sultry or pretty, but the way she was murmuring it into another kiss got him hard all over again.

"baby, can we... bedroom..." the ask barely left her lips before his hands went onto her hips, lifting her up a little bit as they stumbled out of the shower, barely wiped themselves dry with the towels and connected their mouths again as he pulled her to his room. she backed him inside then pushed his shoulders, his back bouncing on the mattress as he realized this was the first time he was seeing her, fully bare in front of him, in his bedroom. just the sight of her perky tits and curves got saliva pooling under his tongue and eyes scanning her hungrily.

she turned her head around, looking in his room for a few moments before opening drawers and boxes like she was in a hurry to locate something. he shot her a look.

"[_____], what are you..."

she pulled out two belts from a drawer with a grin on her lips.

fuck.

she murmured something about not needing to do this if he didn't want to as she climbed on top of him and kissed him gently, but he just rutted his hips upwards in a desperate motion to show her just how much he wanted her.

in one motion, his wrists were tied together with the first belt and pinned above his head. in another, he was biting down on worn leather and a makeshift gag was soaking up all the drool he couldn't control. that was the point: he couldn't control anything. and it felt so fucking amazing.

she kept stealing glances at him as she checked to make sure he was still on board, and when he gave her a slow nod, she flipped him onto his stomach and secured his hips under her own, legs spread out over his ass.

with only her hips, she pushed him downwards so that his dick pushed up against the sheets and the mattress. she knew it wasn't enough to do anything but edge him until he went mad, and no matter how much the bed was shaking and the frame was creaking, it wouldn't be as good as what he felt fucking her thighs. but the view was so damn pretty: his face drowning messily in the sheets, mouth gagged and wrists tied together. she grabbed a handful of his wet hair and yanked him back as she grinded slowly on his ass, dripping lustfully onto him.

it was fun edging him, but the muffled whimpers signaled he was desperate. giving into his desires, she plunged her hand between his parted legs and gripped onto his cock which was humping the mattress. she just held him with a hard grip, and he did all the work for himself, thrusting his hips as well as he could while pinned down by her weight and restrained. tears were prickling at the corners of his eyes. he wanted to tell her how badly he needed her, but the damn gag was turning his pleas into muffled whimpers and moans.

she finally let him out from under her body and flipped him onto his back, but not before stealing in a smack on his ass, which was now coated in her pussy's tears.

"want me to fuck you, baby?" she murmured with a smirk, leaning down to let her lips brush up against the shell of his ear. "is that what you wanna say?"

he nodded hastily, no more shame as now the only thing he could feel was the need for her tight pussy around him. she loosened the gag, then slid it off of his mouth in order to kiss him again. "I wanna hear you. I wanna hear your pretty voice telling me how good I'm fucking your cock, yeah? can you do that for me, michi?"

he couldn't even respond as she lowered herself onto him and dragged a long moan from deep within his lungs, which were on fire. he could barely breathe, he could barely think. all he could do was what she told him and jut his hips upwards to hit her as deep as possible. all the control she had and she couldn't help but curl her toes and dig her fingernails into his shoulders as he screamed out her name and groaned with every thrust. his eyes squeezed shut as he let the feeling wash over him, but they didn't stay that way for long as they locked onto her tits, which were bouncing up and down with her on him, not to mention her face was hot and her hair was still wet from the shower.

it was too much, too fast, despite the slow build up she forced him to endure, suddenly he found himself choking as he tried to tell her that he was close. she was first; walls collapsed around him and she exhaled a thready verse of his name. she finally let him pull out at the last minute, and he came all over himself, stomach coated in the warm sticky liquid. her chest rose and fell with every heavy breath as she watched him, then unfastened the restraints around his wrists.

he wiped his stomach clean with one of the sheets and tossed it somewhere in the corner, a problem for tomorrow, then slipped under the rest of them.

she shot him a hesitant look. "do you want... can I stay?"

he grabbed her wrist and pulled her body onto his, then pressed a lazy kiss on her forehead. "always."

"sap," she teased, snuggling into his warmth and wrapping her arms around his waist. "my dad is gonna go fucking feral when he hears about this."

a gentle chuckle. "isn't that what you've been tryin' to do ever since day 1?"

"shut up, sap," she grumbled into his chest, eyes fluttering shut as she remembers his hair then fluffs it. she craned her neck upwards to get a better look, and smiled softly. "the dye turned out well."

"next time, I'll let the colour grow out," he whispered, dreamy amber eyes looking at her through low eyelids, "since you said it would look cute."

"sap!" she cried out again dramatically, then kissed him slowly again before looking at his face again. "I really did mean it, by the way. when I said that you're perfect to me."

he blushed; somehow, that was what brought the most colour to his face all night. still, he was without a response. he just slid his fingers up her back and pulled her closer. he buried his nose in the top of her head before he thought of a response. "sap."

"shut up."

they giggled and fell asleep in a world where everything was right.

[bootleg-nessie]

Rating the Accuracy of Animal Names:

(I keep updating this list so check back later)

Marine Iguana: 1/10. They don’t allow lizards in the military

Honey Badger: 1/10. It’s not even made out of honey

Horny toad: 0/10. First of all, this is a lizard. Second of all, I couldn’t find one that was willing to have sex with me so they must not actually be all that horny

Crabeater seal: 1/10. They don’t even eat crabs. Felt uncomfortable asking about the other kind but I’d guess probably not those either

Comb jellyfish: 4/10. Doesn’t even have hair

Hammerhead shark: 10/10. Stop killing hammerhead sharks to make hammers

Paper nautilus: 1/10. Paper would get too soggy

Red Panda: 2/10. Not a panda. More orange than red

Jellyfish: 0/10. Not even a fish, but if it were, jelly would be one of the worst things to be made out of

Electric eel: 5/10. Not an eel. Shocking, I know

Blue footed booby: 2/10. My disappointment is immeasurable. Turns out this lying sack of shit is a just a stupid BIRD

Spiny lumpsucker: 8/10. Apparently this fish is named because it has spines AND a suction cup, not because it sucks on spiny lumps

Pleasing fungus beetle: 2/10. Why would fungus be pleased by a beetle eating it? It just worked so hard to grow

Chicken turtle: 1/10. This is just a regular turtle, there are no chickens involved

Red lipped batfish: 8/10. Not a bat. Does have red lips. Also looks incredibly sexy with that makeup on

Aye aye: 10/10. Does in fact, have two eyes

Blobfish: 10/10 out of water, 1/10 in water. The blobfish gets a bad rap, it only looks like a blob because some dickhead pulled it out of its natural habitat at the bottom of the fucking ocean. You’d look pretty weird if you switched places with them too

Dik dik: 5/10 if male, 0/10 if female. This one’s pretty self explanatory

Mountain chicken: 0/10. THIS IS A FUCKING FROG. STOP NAMING ANIMALS AFTER CHICKENS!

Peacock: 0/10. It pees out of a cloaca, not a cock. Technically it doesn’t even pee either

Monarch butterfly 1/10. They aren’t even one of the species of insects that has a queen, let alone understands the concept of monarchism

Cockatiel: 0/10. They do not have teal cocks

Monkey slug caterpillars: 1/10. These are neither slugs nor monkeys, nor are they some kind of fucked up monkey/slug hybrid. Terrible name all around, the only part they got right was caterpillar

Robin: 5/10. It’s a shame this bird has to resort to thievery but we all have to put worms on the table somehow

Alligator snapping turtle: 1/10. This is not an alligator, nor does it even have the fingers to snap with

Ground squirrel: 5/10. Please don’t grind squirrels

Axolotl: 0/10. Doesn’t ask a lot. Doesn’t ask anything at all

Sea robin: 7/10 This is what happens when the land robin goes pro. This creepy fuck evolved little fingers just to steal things. Is this where fish fingers come from?

Tasmanian devil: 8/10. Much like the christian devil, cool name and way more chill than most people give them credit for. Statistically speaking, they’re far from the deadliest player on the board, but they do have the strongest bite force and won’t hesitate to use it if provoked

Water deer: 7/10. No. This is a meat deer

Star nosed mole: 7/10. Name is somewhat misleading, nose merely star shaped, and not a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace

Paddlefish: 3/10. Too narrow to effectively be used as a paddle

Shoebill stork: 1/10. Not made of real shoes. Doesn’t pay bills either

Great white shark: 8/10. I’m inclined to agree for the most part but who came up with the name, David Duke?

Bioko drill: 0/10. At least the hammerhead shark looks like a hammer, this stupid monkey doesn’t even remotely resemble a drill

Hippo Tang: 0/10. That’s a fish, and hippos don’t even drink Tang

Bluejay: 3/10. Not actually blue, it’s just a trick of the light. I bet their real name probably isn’t even Jay either

Satanic Nightjar: 4/10. Should be called “slightly evil looking bird” instead

Tarantula hawk wasp: 1/10. Not a tarantula. Not a hawk. Starting to question if it’s even a wasp

Goblin shark: 10/10? Ever seen their jaw move? They sure are gobblin’

Nudibranch: 5/10. The nude part is accurate but it’s a sea slug, not a tree branch. Not even sure how you could possibly make that mistake

Mongoose: 0/10. No mon, it’s not a goose

Bison: 7/10. I just googled it, bison have more gay sex than straight sex so calling them bi is actually pretty accurate. Points removed because there are bidaughters too

Ram: 10/10. They sure do!

Mandrill: 2/10. They could probably be taught to use drills but I couldn’t find any research on this

Silver fox: 1/10. Silver is way too heavy of an element for an animal to be made of

Mayfly: 9/10 Yeah, they might

Fin whale: 10/10. Yep, whales have fins. Glad we cleared that up

Macaroni penguin: 1/10. They don’t eat macaroni

Horseshoe crab: 0/10. Not a crab. Doesn’t wear horseshoes either

Fangtooth: 10/10. Objectively I have to give it a 10 but this is the stupidest fucking name on the whole list. What’s next, knucklefist? Titboob?

Milkfish 1/10. If I go to your house and you offer me fish milk I’m fucking leaving

Little penguin: 10/10. Telling it exactly like it is

Spider monkey: 1/10. Was expecting a monkey with 8 limbs. Let down once again

Glass frog: 2/10. Not actually made out of glass

Hummingbird: 1/10. They can’t even hum

Centipede: 3-35.4/10. Depends on the species, very few actually have 100 legs

Millipede: 0.8-8/10. They have 800 legs at the most

Sockeye salmon: 1/10. Socks would make terrible eyes

Furry lobster: 10/10, 11/10 if that’s a fursuit

Flying fish: 4/10. Merely glides

Sailfish: 3/10. Doesn’t actually know how to sail

Blanket octopus: 2/10. Octopuses make terrible blankets

Cane Toad: 2/10. Can walk just fine without a cane

[salty-autistic-writer]

Whumptober Day 5: Sunburn

Title: Pandas and Lizards (AO3)

Summary: Buck has the worst sunburn of his life. Tommy takes care of him.

~

“I look like a panda bear,” Buck says sadly, looking at his face in the mirror. “Only in red and white.”

“A very cute panda bear,” Tommy chuckles. “But I was actually thinking more of strawberry and cream cake. Since you’re always a snack. Now …  take off your shirt.”

Buck sighs and obeys, grimacing when the rough fabric of his shirt rubs against his sore skin. “You know, if it wasn’t for the context, the way you just said that would have been so hot,” he mutters, carefully laying on his stomach on the bed.

But now he’s hot in a completely different, definitely not sexual, way. 

Buck has the worst sunburn of his life. It’s in his face, on his neck, on his shoulders, back and even his legs. Buck really thought their first trip together to the beach would end differently. Apparently, he should have applied sun cream again after going into the water. But he forgot about that. He was too busy kissing his boyfriend.

Tommy sits beside him, the bed dipping under his added weight, and starts to carefully spread the cool healing salve on Buck’s burnt skin. “That looks so painful …”

“It is very painful,” Buck mutters, squirming and squeezing his eyes shut. “And I already know it will take ages until this heals. Could be days until my skin will start to peel. Then I will turn from a panda bear to a lizard. Great. Ouch!”

Tommy hums in sympathy. “Tell me some facts about lizards,” he suggests. "Might be a good distraction,"

Buck brightens up. “Oh. Oh! Lizards … Lizards are really cool. Did you know that there is a type of lizard called North American Horned Lizard which will squirt blood from its eyes when it’s being attacked? That kind of defence mechanism is called autohemorrhaging. The jet of blood can squirt up to four feet and is used to frighten predators. But they also occasionally use it to clean dirt and dust from their eyes.”

“Fascinating. But gross,” Tommy says dryly, moving from Buck’s burnt back to the very pink backs of his legs. “You don’t happen to know some cute facts too?”

“Hmmm. Geckos have microscopic hair on their feet,” Buck mutters, closing his eyes. The even movements with which Tommy’s hands glide over his skin make him dozy despite the consistent feeling of burning from the inside. “And … Many lizards can detach a part of their tail when they have to escape from predators.”

“I know that,” Tommy says. “Sometimes, I did pay attention in school. But only if they talked about something interesting.”

“Same,” Buck chuckles. Then yawns. “I’m so tired …”

Tommy places a kiss between Buck’s shoulders, on a patch of unburnt skin. “I’m going to fetch you some water and a cold compress for that head of yours which was boiling in the heat all day. Let the salve soak in for a while, then we can go to bed, okay?”

“Okay,” Buck breathes, his heart fluttering because he has a caring boyfriend who wants to make sure he’s alright. “Thank you.”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, my cute little panda bear,” Tommy says, chuckling. And adds, more seriously. “But we really have to take care you don’t turn into a panda too often...”

[y-rhywbeth2]

For some reason the mood took me to compare the Slayer in all five of its iterations, including Bhaal's actual avatar vs the various forms he's taken while possessing his spawn.

To reiterate: I will kill Isobel for you when you stop ripping me off, old man.

Bhaal, the genuine article Slayer:

The Slayer is a levitating 'corpse with a feral face, ivory-white skin, and deep lacerations that endlessly wept black ichor that vanished before it struck anything.' Also came with free murder knives made of the bones of its victims, hate plagues where you kill your neighbours and family while blindly loving it, and a zombie apocalypse. – Rogue 32/Fighter 27 – Str 24, Dex 24, Con 22, Int 17, Wis 15, Cha 17 – Magic resistance 90% – Damage: 1d4+16 points of damage a round via bone daggers (2 of which is cold damage), attacking up to 12 times a round for a maximum total of 240 points of damage every round. – HP 212 – AC 26 – Movement Speed: 75ft per minute/round Things slain rise as zombies or form a blade barrier by exploding into bone shrapnel. Living flesh hit by his blades withers and becomes useless, depriving them of limbs and brain function depending on the location. The Slayer can drive those around him into homicidal frenzies, and force people to love him and do his bidding by touching them. Bhaal can also just generically create any undead which will answer to him just by touching the corpse of people who have been murdered, he just prefers skeletons.

[Murder in Baldur's Gate] The 'Bhaalspawn Slayer':

'...hulking, blood-soaked, corpse-like form...' It's listed as a medium humanoid, much like the real Slayer, so it hasn't changed shape that much and mostly resembles the original. Appears to paralyse its opponents and then eat them alive. Or just really likes biting. Apparently that fine evening in Baldur's Gate Bhaal manifested in one child and then ate the other one in front of a watching crowd... Notably the possessed Bhaalspawn was not intended to survive this transformation. 5e stats: – AC 14 – HP 30 (4d10+8) – Speed 40ft – Darkvision 60ft – Str 14 Dex 17 Con 15 Int 11 Wis 11 Cha 13 – Immunities: Disease and poison – Can climb and jump as part of normal movement and doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. – Attacks by clawing (2d4+2, causes paralysis) and then, once you're paralysed starts biting (2d8+2, stuns the target). – If hit in combat and caused to bleed, the Slayer proceeds to become even more murderously aggressive.

[Baldur's Gate 2] Charname:

'A violent, powerful creature made of teeth and claws.' Some kind of giant red insect? With spikes. Using this form slowly destroys the users' psyche as Bhaal begins to take over (represented as taking physical damage in-game). Likewise the errosion of self as Bhaal begins to strengthen within causes you to radiate evil and murder that causes people to view you with fear and hostility: '...even those who do not witness the event can sense the corruption caused by giving yourself over to instinct.' Becoming the avatar for a god is also taxing on a mortal body, and causes fatigue. – Strength and Dexterity set to 25 – Effective AC set to -9 [AC 29] – Magic Resistance set to 40% – Saving Throws set to 2 – Attacks per round set to 4 (+5 damage, 1d8 crushing, 2 cold) – +100 Hit Points – Immunity to imprisonment, level drain, stun, and missile attacks

[Dragon Magazine] Generic Bhaalspawn who aren't Charname or Durge:

'...a twisted and demonic-looking version of itself that has aspects of the murderous avatar of Bhaal.' More like the Slayer proper, but comes with claws, for some reason. Sustaining the form is still taxing, and causes temporary constitution damage over time when in use (1 per round). - An extra +6 to base AC - +8 to Strength

[Baldur's Gate 3] The Dark Urge:

It's a lizard. One thing we can say for it is that as far as I'm aware, unlike other Bhaalspawn, Durge is not taking damage or being taxed by taking avatar form. (I'll use the level 10 version) - Str 25, Dex, 14, Con 17, Int 10, Wis 10, Cha 8 - HP 153 - AC 16 - Movment Speed: 35ft - Multiattack 1d4 - The ability to make things around you bleed and flee for their lives by growling at them - And healing by absorbing or drinking your enemy's blood or something, I'm not sure on the details past opening your enemy's arteries and healing.

[spot-the-antisemitism]

Not sure if you’re the person to ask this but, what are your thoughts on nosferatu? His look has become pretty iconic in vampire media (and SpongeBob) and I’ve been excited for the upcoming remake

But I can’t help but think about what definitely seem like antisemitic undertones, the large hooked nose and rattle design, the plot point of him apparently spreading a plague, and the fact it was made in Germany in 1922, yeah it’s kinda unfortunate how genuinely unique and creepy the original still looks, at least the remake will hopefully be further away from its origins.

Dear anon,

if you follow @spottheantisemitism you see my thoughts that Mother Gothel isn't a deliberate stereotype but going off ancient antisemitic coding that is so prevalent.

Dracula was written by self hating gay and eugenicist Abraham "Bram" Stoker whose Catholic christofascism, homophobia and xenophobia oozes off every page. The count is other, lizard like, he seduces good British christian women to debauchery and drives men to madness with his hypnosis (and his wealth). Dracula is the same fear of the hypnotic foreigner as the Beetle and Svengali but he's not codedly Arab or Jewish, respectively, he's just racially other. Is he Turkic? Is he Romanian? Not even Bram Stoker seems to know.

Stoker's main racism is the Lambrosian Eugenics that he's into and his idea that Romani would serve a vampire. Especially when Romanians actually tokenize local Romani seeing them as espeically attuned to Strigoi hunting (the Romanian folk spirits that inspired the Western ideas of Vampires). Dracula is described as the the quintessential criminal according to Lombroso but not neccesarily racialized in the way we currently understand Eugenics. The point isn;t that Dracula is codedly Jewish or Romani or whatever (he's not), the point is he's not Anglo-Saxon enough and that's bad.

But it was the Germans that took Dracula and gave him pointy ears and a hooked nose, because even in the philosemitic Weimar era, antisemitic caricatures were rampant. The eponymous character of "the golem" is made not throught kabbalalistic knowledge but by the rabbi making a deal with the devil and the both the golem and the rabbi's assistant lusting after a gentile girl is shown as monstrous.

I do wonder how the "it's all antisemitic coding" nuance averse tumbrines will deal with the "sunlight burns vampires" thing the movie added and try to tie to the "ashkenazi burn more than europeans" lie. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar guys.

I do hope the remake is good but it'll have the same othered man trying to seduce attractive white women thing and unless Del Toro is directing (he isn't) that's not going away no matter how you spin it. For better or for worse.

The guy who plays horror monsters as the count and all famous actors for the cast including Dafoe as the Van Helsing?

They filmed in Romania and the Czech Republic to get the Gothic real?

I'm cautiously optimistic

yours,

Cecil

[frootloopscos]

2) Crowley, Never Meet My Grandma.

Welcome back to my story! If you enjoy please like, and comment! Reblogs are appreciated and feel free to send me anything in my ask box!

Chapter 2) Ramshackle Dorm

PREVIOUSLY

The male, now known to Yuu as Dire Crowley, explained to them that they are the headmage of the school that they are apparently at now. Yuu had to calm themself and real themself in. 'I'm not in Galar anymore, and not in any other region that I know of. This, this is another world.' They took a deep breath after coming to this realization, it was rare in Galar, but they must have fallen though an Ultra Wormhole and ended up here. Yuu ended up tuning out Crowley until they realized that the two of them were now back in the room with coffins....

NOW...

Yuu silently looked around, there were other people now, several of them speaking to groups gathered in front of them. Yuu flinched back slightly when Crowley suddenly yelled making their presences known. "I most certainly did not!" He yelled making Yuu confused, 'not what?' They asked themself as a red head crossed his arms looking at Crowley, "speak of the devil." Crowley gave a small glare to the boy, "if you must know, I was searching for the new student who failed to show for orientation. You are the only one who had yet to be assigned a dorm. Step up to the Dark Mirror, and be quick about it. I'll watch your weasel." He said to Yuu giving them a slight push towards the mirror.

Yuu just sighed knowing Crowley wouldn't listen to them, 'he reminds me of Rose.' They thought to themself with distain as they walked up to the mirror. "State your name." It spoke, Yuu's eyes widened before shaking their head. "My name is Yuu." They said to the mirror, "Yuu. . . The nature of your soul is. . ." The mirror was silent for several minutes before speaking again, "unclear to me." "What did you just say?" Crowley asked crossing his arms, "I sense no magical power from this one, aside from the capsules at their disposal. Soundless. Colorless. Shapeless. Utterly vacant. Therefore, no form would be appropriate.

Chaos began to ensue in the mirror chamber as the students began to whisper to one another. "Magicless?" "How are they here then?" "Did the Dark Mirror get it wrong?" Crowley tried to intervene but the Meowth had other ideas, finally getting out of Crowley's grasp and yelling. "ME! Let ME have this worthless human's seat!" It yelled in defiance, Crowley scowled "not so fast, you hyperactive weasel!" The Meowth smirked, "unlike that worthless human, I can actually use magic! So let me be a student here! Look, I'll show you! My spells are the cat's meow!"

Yuu's eyes widen as they and the red head from before yelled "Everyone, get down!" At the same time, the Meowth let out strings of fire from his mouth across the room. The students began to panic as the flames began to spread, one student with red eyes yelled out that his butt was on fire, Yuu quickly grabbed a pokeball at their side. Crowley yelled for someone to catch the rampaging Meowth.

As two students ran after Grim, Yuu grabbed another pokeball and threw the two spheres into the air "Agent use Snipe Shot, Mimi use Phantom Force!" They said as the dark blue bipedal lizard and the rag doll-esque creature emerged from white light and begin to follow their trainer's orders. Agent making a finger gun and shooting streams of water onto the blue flames around the room, making sure to douse the fire on the red eyed student's butt. Mimi using a dark shadowy hand from under the costume and attacking the Meowth to stop it in its tracks.

The Meowth struggled unable to move as the red head pointed his pen at it "Off With Your Head!" He yelled as red magic came from the writing utensil hitting Meowth a black and red heart shaped collar appeared on his neck. "MYAH?! What are you doing?!" The Meowth asked as it tried to pull off the collar. Yuu walked over patting Mimi on her stuffed head. "Great job girl," they said before picking up the Mimikyu. "Agent nice job, come back." The lizard obediently walked over to Yuu, "Inteleon." He said with a smile as they gave him head scritches. 

"Yuu!" Crowley declared staring at them, "was I not clear that you are expected to take responsibility for your familiar! Now discipline yo-" Yuu interrupted him this time, "it's not mine!" They yelled with a glare, "my Pokemon know better than to lash out unreasonably. I can try to catch the Meowth, but I don't even know if I have any empty pokeballs. Arceus I just want to go home..." they mumbled to themself. Crowley cleared his throat and decided to send the Meowth off campus.

Yuu glared at Crowley as they held Mimi in their arms, the bird didn't seem to notice as he sent all the students away. Turning to Yuu he spoke with a soft smile, "well Yuu, this is a most unfortunate turn of events. I'm afraid that you will not be attending Night Raven College after all. Dudley you realize that I cannot very well admit a student with no magical ability into my academy. But worry not! The Dark Mirror will see you safely home. Now, step into a gate, and visualize the place from whence you came."

Yuu sighed, returning Agent to his pokeball and stepped into one of the coffins. Closing their eyes they thought of their home region, Galar, spending time with their twin brother, being betrayed by ex-chairman Rose, being adopted by Grandma Opal... "Oh Dark Mirror!" Crowley called out, "return this soul to where it belongs!" The Dark Mirror was silent, Crowley awkwardly cleared his throat and spoke again. "Oh Dark Mirror! Return this soul-" the mirror interrupted him, "there is no such place." Yuu frowned, "I thought so. . ." They said sadly as they stepped out of the coffin.

Crowley turned back to Yuu, "what do you mean?" He asked the trainer, "I'm from another world, I came to this conclusion earlier. . . In my world there's a lot of research on other worlds and different universes. Though that's mainly researched in Alola, I must have fallen though an Ultra Wormhole and ended up here." Crowley looked at the crestfallen child and asked if they had any identification on them. Yuu hummed, "I think..." they set Mimi on their head and felt around their pockets. "Oh, my Rotom Phone! Ro can you help us?" They asked as their phone flew out of a pocket in the robes they wore.

Hovering in front of the two the phone attempted to turn on. "Ah, great, looks like I can only access my pokedex and pokebox. I can't even contact my brother." They said now holding the device in their hand. Crowley set a hand on their shoulder, "I can't allow you to attempt the academy, but I cannot allow you roam the streets. There is a vacant building on campus that you may stay in! I am so kind and generous, with a little cleaning it would be more than habitable for you and your creatures. . . How many more creatures do you own?" He asked as he began to lead Yuu outside of the school and down a path. Yuu just smirked, "I have well over thirty." They said crossing their arms.

.

.

.

.

"Are you shitting me right now Crowley?" They asked looking at the decrepit building in front of the two of them. "Kyu," the creature on their head said in agreement, Crowley chuckled nervously. "Isn't it delightful? Right then, scoot inside now. There you go." Upon entering the building they were greeted with dust in the air, cobwebs hanging just about anywhere you can think of, broken furniture, and holes in places you don't want. "Don't let me catch you wandering around the campus! Farewell!" Crowley said before quickly making his own retreat.

Yuu sighed in annoyance and took out Agent's pokeball again, letting him out as they set Mimi on the broken couch. "Alright you two, let me see who else I have with me, we'll be staying here for a bit. We need to clean this place up." They said as they took out the other pokeballs on their belt. "Hm, well, better than nothing." Throwing the pokeballs into the air "come on out everyone!" White light shines as the four other pokemon were released.

Four pokemon looked around confused, speaking their name or a version of their name. "Hattrem" "Tox" "Pon?" "Snom." Yuu smiled sadly, "hey everyone, we're kinda stuck here in a different world and this is where we'll have to stay for a while. Let's make the best of this and clean up as much as we can." They said trying to encourage their team.

The group of seven began to clean up the entry way, living room, and a bedroom upstairs as much as they could before it began to rain outside. It began to leak and Yuu returned most of their current team to their pokeballs to avoid them getting wet, leaving out Agent, Mimi, and Snom. It wasn't long before the stowaway Meowth snuck in and their small group had to deal with the ghost problem and Crowley entered with food.

The male was angry at first, declaring that the Meowth wasn't supposed to be on campus. Yuu explained the story of what happened as Agent took the supper that Crowley had brought for Yuu. With a bit of convincing Crowley decided that Yuu and Grim would officially have to work to earn their living situation as janitors of the academy. Yuu had to fight every urge inside of them to not wring the males neck, instead allowing Agent to fire a Snipe Shot at his face to get him to leave.

After supper was ate, yuu left to the bedroom they and their Pokemon cleaned up, opening the closet they were greeted by their usual attire they wore while traveling. They smiled taking off the robe they had been wearing and hung it inside before releasing their pokemon once more. "Sorry it's not much guys, but it's what we have for now." They said picking up Grumpy and hugging him close. "Let's get some sleep."

TO BE CONTINUED

———————

Well here is chapter two! Let me know what y'all think!

Word Count: 1737

Published to Wattpad: April 24th, 2024

Published to Tumblr: April 24th, 2024

Edited: n/a

[adorawasright]

I especially hate that Catra was always invading Entrapta’s space. Like… It’s a teenager being weird and touchy and creepy towards an adult. Just imagine, reverse the ages, and tell me that doesn’t scream ‘predator’. Idk what the writers were thinking, but the fact that Catra is doing this a lot with an autistic adult really irks me. Are they implying something there? Because idk WHAT THE FUCK it’s implying, but I don’t like it and I feel like it’s intentional.

Anyway… Something something Catra is a teen being creepy to an adult. Something something predatory. Something something character ages. Something something treating autistic people like they’re oblivious, dumb, or younger children. You probably know what I’m trying to say here…

I agree, though I firmly believe that Entrapta was not initially planned to be an adult. I always thought she was the same age as the other characters due to her young appearance (like they didn't even try to make her look a little older?). I think the crew only decided to make Entrapta an adult later on so that shipping her with Hordak wouldn't be creepy.

But yeah, it doesn't help that an autistic adult woman is infantilized and bullied by literal teenagers. And rewatching Catra being inappropriate with her is also a HUGE red flag that is rarely called out.

Really, the problem with SPOP is that a lot of its issues seem to be poorly thought out. Catra and Adora being raised as sisters but ending up in a romantic relationship, when apparently they were always "the heart of the show". Catra being a WOC despite having no canon basis, and yet still being a stereotype that WOC (or latina women more specifically) are abusive and "savages". S/pinnetossa also being an "angry black woman x calm white woman" ship. Double Trouble, a canon trans/non-binary character, being a lizard that disguises as a little girl only to get money. Bow being the black best friend that gets little to no character development. So on and so forth.

I'm sure most of these issues weren't intentional, but that is not an excuse, because in the end it teaches wrong things to its young audience.

(Please do not harass the crew members.)

[doomspiral]

Doom's Movie Rec List

Some of these are bangers, some of these are the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, but I think they are all worth watching and enjoying one way or another. Sometimes the enjoyment is cringe and sometimes its staring at a wall for three hours. <3

The seventh seal (1957)

Classic chess game with Death film, I presume the entire thing is Bergman staring into the soul of the viewer in dead silence until you can read his mind.

The cabinet of Dr. Caligary (1920)

Strange, lurching, I watched this in German without knowing enough to keep up and I believe my confusion added to the experience.

Atomic blonde (2017)

This is my favorite movie. This is the one that I can't stop rewriting in my fics. I can't get the "lies" soliloquy out of my mind. My soul is tied to this fillum. Hot insane woman does a lot of violence, kisses women, beats up a guy who truly deserves it. Iron Curtain Spy Nonsense.

Hackers (1994)

Am I depressing you? Good, watch Hackers to experience child-like wonder and also see a grown man skateboard down a foggy street in the middle of the night to harass the homosexual teenagers (and slim shady) he's beefing with.

The core (2003)

This is not a good movie. But there is a little freak in there named "Rat" who I am obsessed with.

Angel's egg (1985)

This is the kind of movie where you have to not try to figure out what's going on and instead let it take you by the hands, just experience it, just keep your mouth shut and your mind at rest and you can consider the implications afterward when its safe.

Princess mononoke (1997)

I watched this as a child and saw those beasts dissolve into bloody worms and apparently that left a lasting mark on my brain.

Nausicaä of the valley of wind (1984)

I actually read the manga for this one but this is a movie rec list, so please go watch this for the death and rebirth vibes, and some mild foeyay yuri.

Invasion of the body snatchers (1978)

Horror movie that's odd and disturbing and clearly betraying some better dead than red fears, worth it for the horrible despicable freakish noise the guy makes at the end while pointing at the viewer.

Strange days (1995)

Please read up on this before watching it, it revolves around a fictional, then-futuristic critique of the adult film industry, HEAVY focus on the capitalistic dehumanization and devaluing of human life.

Underworld (2003)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters. Core memory.

Blade (1998)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters but maybe you need a break from how white this whole movie list is overall. That's okay, I see you, this vampire flick fucks severe.

Fright night (1985, 2011)

The first movie is pretty campy (fun) but the remake dug into my actual stressors and fears and scared the lights from my eyes for a day or two. Welcome... to FrrrighT NighT.

Dracula (1931, 1992)

First movie is a classic, this is thee one with the guy crawling around like a lizard and there's armadillos for no reason. The 90's version has no business being as deranged as it is and for this it is a core personality trait movie.

Fast&furious: Tokyo drift (2006)

Not sure I would say this is peak cinema but it's a racing movie that falls in line with the F&F tradition of being clearly in love with the entire premise, location, and cast. Rent free.

Drive (2011)

I like this movie because it is not about the guy getting the girl, it is about doing the right thing every single time because that's what it takes to be a real human bean. being. whichever. I was so obnoxious about this movie when I watched it with my now-ex gf that I wish I could siphon the memory of it out of her brain, because I kept pointing at actors I knew.

Green room (2015)

This is the best punk parable I can think of. Litany against not reading the room, litany against being the hero when there's no one to save, litany against thinking shared trauma is gonna get you any pussy.

Lords of chaos (2018)

I'm obsessed with the band Mayhem there is no other explanation.

There will be blood (2007)

WILD WEST TOXIC YAOI. I'm not apologizing for this summary and I'm not elaborating.

Butch Cassidy and the sundance kid (1969)

I don't know. I watched this in the wee hours of the morning with my best friend and actually cried about it. Doomed criminals and a famous final stand.

Saw (2004)

I used to watch Saw movies when I lived in the trailer park while hiding from my family in a neighbor's place so I don't know if these movies are good or if I needed to watch tortureporn to relax bcs the roof leaked on my bed when it rained? But I think everyone should at least watch the first movie or how are you going to play any games?

Chernobyl diaries (2012)

I walked out of this movie shaking head to toe and couldn't think about anything else for months. I don't think I'd be as scared now but I can't say if that's because I'm not 16 anymore. Warning against going into a dangerous situation with a guy you met off Craigslist.

Constantine (2005)

Demon hoards, evil angels, catholic bullshit, 9/10.

The neverending story (1984)

Well after all that let's reinstate some whimsy into our souls again bcs this is the Jim Henson Power Hour. This one is just a solid entry point into "puppets are fun and practical effects are my best friend".

The dark crystal (1982)

My babysitters put this on for me as a bed-time story when I was five (5) years old and I do not believe I slept, I think they regretted this and had to tell my parents what they did. But now I will never stop making Skeksis noises at people I love.

Labyrinth (1986)

Y'know the phenomenon of alt teens and preteens dating young adult men who are total and complete losers, including actual band members? It's not that this pre-dates any of that, but I believe it does a good job representing it through the lens of a modern fairy tale. Like when you watch this you have to realize this is wish fulfillment for people who want to be Sarah because their age-gap goth boyfriend in the real world is a manipulative disappointment.

Pacific rim (2013)

Love letter to the mecha and kaiju genre(s). Makes no sense, compels me though.

Eurotrip (2004)

This is the movie "Scotty doesn't know" is from. Some high schoolers fuck off to Europe and have the most misadventure possible. It's somehow exactly the kind of cringe humor you would expect from the 00's without being cruel or overly disgusting. I used to watch a lot of really bad 00's comedies and this is a good one I promise. Scussie.

Hamlet (1996)

Personality point, I think this is the best version on film because the guy actually looks like how I envisioned Hamlet. Ignore your girl! Avenge your dad!

Advantageous (2015)

This movie goes in on the connection between race and class in a sci-fi future where you can change the former through predatory, dangerous cosmetic surgery.

Gravity (2013)

This is my go-to movie when I need to sob like a sick little baby. Space travel as a metaphor for motherhood, spaceships as the womb, scientists are the babies who left their babies back on earth. It's about what you give up in the name of fulfilling your human urge for the unknown.

All clear on the western front (2022)

Thee anti-war fillum. Very well done. I never recovered from one of the final scenes to the point I wrote a final paper on it. Without spoiling it, the Ending gave me the feeling of when you're a kid and you want to go play, but you're grounded and you fall asleep listening to your friends outside in the street. I hope this sentence ruins your life if you watch this movie.

Inglorious basterds (2009)

They lock some nazis in a theatre and set them on fire, good cinema.

Shadow dancer (2012)

Domhnall Gleeson in one of his classically pathetic twink roles but its about British imperial violence and Irish reactionary violence.

Logan (2017)

Good art film, a story about dementia, legacies, and why putting children in cages is fucking evil.

The batman (2022)

Weird art film, next question.

Joker (2019)

I do not care about the opinions of straight men who watch things uncritically, this is a good movie because of the depictions of poverty in the US. I don't believe this needed to be about the DC Joker this should have been a standalone art film about a mime.

Dragonheart (1996)

Medieval era dragon nonsense, I will never be convinced this is a bad movie.

Sleeping beauty (1959)

Personality trait was rooting for the dragon.

Snow dogs (2002)

I'm not defending this one it stands on its own, please watch this movie if you wanna see Cuba Gooding Jr. bite a husky's ear so it'll stop ruining his life.

Luck of the irish (2001)

This movie is genuinely so bad I have considered it some kind of hate crime since the day it came out, because I watched this the day it was a direct-to-TV movie. I think I was too young to feel insulted but I was deeply, deeply bemused.

Black swan (2010)

There is a woman inside her and she is trying to crash the plane. Can I get away with calling this foe-yay yuri also? I'm going to.

I, tonya (2017)

Sufjan Stevens' song "Tonya Harding in Eb major" makes me so unreasonably emotional, so one day I watched this movie and then the film of the 1988 Calgary Olympics in the living room while all of my housemates had to sneak around in the dark. This is just a solid movie about ambition, betrayal, abuse, tragedy, and having to get over it and move on because you're not dead yet.

Phantom of the opera (2004)

Whatever was going on in Labyrinth, this is the adult version. Weird man in a sewer possessing a soprano. I think there's some gender happening here but it gets a little lost under the love(?) triangle.

A knights tale (2001)

Just go watch some more medieval nonsense, it's good for you, its fun.

White chicks (2004)

I'm not defending this choice, it's a good movie. "You were thinking it" "Yeah but you said it" there are some phrases you could use to see if I had been replaced with a body double and this is one of them.

Heathers (1988)

Ouughhgh ough oh. Personality trait. Watched this because I kept listening to the musical soundtrack, love both but agree the themes are much tighter in the movie. This is just a fun schlock to tell teens life is stupid and difficult and bad things will happen, so don't abandon your friends.

Priscilla queen of the desert (1994)

Classic homo fillum, if you wonder why I write Gilbert Like That it's partially because of the mean little fruit from this movie. It's about the Aussie drag scene and who belongs in the queer community.

300 (2006)

I'm not sure that I would call this a "good" movie, but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned. This is the "THIS IS SPARTA" movie.

The foreigner (2017)

I actually don't remember the plot of this one too solidly but the suspense and action were solid, and I enjoyed the setup. Good for if you wanna be really pissed off for two hours.

Conan the barbarian (1982)

Look at me. Look into my eyes. You're going to watch this movie. You're going to think about the wheel of pain and you're going to go wow, this is so stupid. Don't look away I'm not done. You're going to watch this movie and then you're going to get a couple of paper towel tubes and find someone to beat the shit out of each other with the tubes.

Law abiding citizen (2009)

I don't know I think watching this movie changed my brain chemistry in very special ways. Guy fucking loses it and becomes a problem for his local community by kidnapping and torturing people who killed his family. Cathartic and vile.

Black dog (1998)

:D DO YOU WANNA WATCH AN ACTION MOVIE ABOUT AN 18-WHEELER?

The hunt for red october (1990)

Almost forgot this one. Lithuanian Submariner off the shits, goes rogue, I'm not sure what accent Sean Connery is going for, I get the impression he just showed up to gigs and did whatever he wanted.

[theygotlost]

ok. here is my attempt to make a coherent post about the watch bbc.

my main reaction, over and over again watching the first episode, is: CHOICES WERE MADE. truly inscrutable choices for which I cannot possibly understand the rationale or thought process. If I was adapting discworld for the screen, it would ever in a million years occur to me to make these choices. some of these choices include, in no particular order:

cut-me-own-throat dibbler is a white woman with dreadlocs who uses a wheelchair. I can NOT make this up.

vetinari is also a woman. .....I have nothing else to say about this.

instead of a dragon sanctuary, sybil runs some kind of femdom petplay sex dungeon for bedraggled old men. including vimes. and this is how they meet. she traps him in her sex dungeon.

she's also skinny and average height. I repeat: sybil ramkin is SHORTER THAN VIMES.

the actor playing vimes does have a very vimey look about him I won't lie, I even like his little fauxhawk hair situation, but his performance is completely baffling. he's always making an over-the-top jim carrey face but doesn't sell it nearly as well as jim carrey so it's just awkward and not funny.

vimes' accent is also completely unplaceable. I swear it's different in every single scene. sometimes american, sometimes irish, sometimes an american doing a bad impression of an irish accent or vice versa. watching @fealtyfaggot (irish)'s face in real time as he tried to calculate this man's accent was entertaining to say the least.

honestly, every actor sounds like the director instructed them to do an irish accent except they're all bad at irish accents so they all sound weird in their own unique way.

goodboy bindle featherstone is a normal-sized, horrible cgi lizard and sybil uses him like a handheld flamethrower.

the series is attempting (and FAILING) to adapt the events of guards! guards! and night watch simultaneously. carcer is killmongerfied into a black man (not raceblind casting as ciarán pointed out to me, they specifically put out a casting call for a black actor) who is justifiably angry at the police system. and he's carcer. so he's still the main antagonist and a crazed serial killer. he's the bad guy.

john keel was also black and vimes is white, so while it doesn't actually happen in the first episode it seems apparent that CARCER will end up being the one to impersonate keel?!

AND carcer was best friends with vimes and they had some kind of ~history~ together where there was some kind of dramatic betrayal and vimes attempted suicide(?). what

I guess dwarves are.... not short? cheery is normal human height.

carrot's tragic backstory where he was thrown down a mineshaft as a baby (I laughed out loud when he said this) and his adoptive dwarf parents sent him to join the watch cause they hate him and are trying to get rid of him.

just...... why the cyberpunk angle? discworld isn't the most traditional, historically accurate medieval fantasy out there and it's not supposed to be, but.... WHY CYBERPUNK?

I almost forgot: colon and nobby are completely absent.

my only question after watching this is WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY. why is this a discworld adaptation? why did they decide to adapt discworld in this way? there is absolutely no respect or appreciation for the source material or understanding of what makes it good. whoever came up with this does not seem to like discworld very much at all. every single second of these 42 minutes was a slap in the face.

If this was just its own show, not related to discworld in any way, it would still be pretty bad. But I could still see it having a cult following you know? there would for sure be a niche tumblr fandom for it. the best thing I can say about this show is that it would have been good if literally everthing about it was different.

[t00nyah]

SO! A THING ABOUT THE ART CHALLENGE I TALKED ABOUT IN MY LAST POST...

we ended up trading characters. LMAO. it was so funny how we just were like WAIT CAN I GET THIS ONE PLEASE PLEASE

SO. ABOUT MY COOL AND AWESOME IDEAS.

if you're an old t00nyan...you know splatoon changed me as a person.

but there's one particular thing i really like making characters based off...

SEA SLUGS. (please stay till the end the final artwork is the best thing i ever drew and is like the equivalent of me learning splatoon style AND there's umm something cool you need to know.)

so. literally everyone knows i love sea bunnies for looking so so so cute and silly. i always say white lizards are like sea bunnies to me. and as you all know i love gathering a lot of facts and applying them to the character.

first, i've decided to make it somewhat atypical to what people are more used to see...as far as i know yellow sea bunnies are more common than white ones. and it works! the character looks way better than when it was white haha. speaking of appearance, of course they're small, sea bunnies are teeny tiny!!!!!!!!!

from what i've read for this challenge, apparently sea bunnies use jellyfish stingers for self-defense, huge if true bc that's why this fella holds a jellyfish. they highly depend on stunning predators to outrun them in my vision. also, um. wiki mentions that the sponges sea bunnies feed on contain toxins that can be used in cancer treatment, so you know what that means. in MY concept it's like... them being a rotting iterator's last hope or smth, which would be funny because being toxic also equals to being a little shit personality-wise. imagine your last hope is a creature that won't stop throwing jellyfish at you.

next one is a cabbage slug! it's a very pretty one!! i actually have a splatoon oc Elysia based on them haha.

this particular photo was my reference for the blueish palette but they can be veeery colorful and veeery pretty...

i don't have anything in my head for this one, i just felt like i HAD to make an elysia crispata slugcat. they're just nice, herbivore, love sunbathing and just enjoy being here!

so. last one is like my MAGNUM OPUS. at first i didn't even consider it. i wanted to make an octopus based one for branding reasons but then i saw this shitter.

im sorry im not actually mean to them but. this guy is a blue dragon. i randomly saw them and went 'oh yeah they exist, wonder what they'd be like. could be a cool design.'

THE RESULT...

IS THIS GUY.

so. blue dragons, apparently, prey on bigger predators and then store their most dangerous venom to use it on their next prey. but it also ends up even more deadly that the predators'.

so i went okay. if that's not a cool concept, i don't know what is. and then...things went kind of too far.

introducing to you: The Weaponeer.

food requirement: 8(10) [quite obviously eats corpses with 1/4 pip from blue fruit and stuff]

they're fast, (NOT as fast as rivulet, but faster than hunter, probably like 1.45x) have bigger lung capacity (~4.25x, a lot, but not as much as rivulet has) and have a 'special ability' of sorts

the Weaponeer is a master in self-defence and knows well how to utilize its' predators' weapons as their own. they can deshell overgrown(!) centipedes, demask vultures and steal king vultures' harpoons (without needing a spear, practically like a maul but it only works for this and only due to the Weaponeer just knowing how to do that more practically)

their base damage is 1.0, BUT using harpoon spears multiplies it to 1.5 (although i think it lowers throwing skill considering it's heavy and giant, they can't exactly throw it, it's more of a melee weapon. it probably slows them down too?)

i have a little campaign idea too! so, wiki mentions them being washed up on the shore sometimes...and that felt like an idea.

the Weaponeer is a capable and very confident slugcat, but they are lost far from home in Deserted Faraway - a result of some poor planning of the Ancients. once a river, now a cavern full of adapted to new circumstances living beings. the region has two subregions, one of them being a cave system and the other being the remains of the iterator that was doomed right from the start. when the Weaponeer arrives to Deserted Faraway, it's already its own blooming ecosystem.

im really proud of how this menu art turned out! i hope i will get to draw more artworks like that someday...when im not that busy, haha. it did take me an entire DAY to finish this one.

i intended to sell them initially just bc they ended up pretty cool so...THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING. i sadly can't really...actually...sell them for money...which is very fucking dissatisfying.

BUT. but. if you know me you know i'm desperate for OC fanart, so if you really want them trading for art is an option!!! my dms are open :]

but yeah, thanks for looking at this, it took me a while and im actually proud of this project!!

[loneberry]

“The hand can lie less than the face.” This was director Angela Schanelec’s response to an audience member who asked about her apparent obsession with filming hands after a screening of her new feature, Music.

.

My review of Angela Schanelec’s Music:

What’s another word for mirror?

Dream.

Six letters. όνειρο (oneiro), a Greek word that appears in the title of my first book: Tiny Spelunker of the Oneiro-Womb.

Once you get used to the oblique symbolic register this film is operating on, you will be entranced by its images: the mist eating the mountains, the goat emerging from the stone hovel where the abandoned baby has been found, the lizard tickling the doomed woman’s pale feet, the roaring red wounds, the roaring red of the split pomegranates, the water running through two pairs of touching hands, the billowing white bedsheets of the prisoners—let the winds be hushed. His vision is fading. He feels for the steps with his blind feet.

Just before tragedy strikes, we see only the legs below the knees. Swollen feet. The hands opening, like a flower. So many haunting shots of bodily part-objects. So many mournful voices.

Simply luminous. Sensual. Potent. Sonically hypnotic.

[rogueshadeaux]

Chapter Thirty-Six — Evolution

Aunt Sia moved away from behind me, setting Jerry back on the table as she moved towards the cupboards in the kitchen. “You know, it’s funny,” she began. “You realize the forced Conduits came out…wrong with the First Sons, too? The batch without that acceleration protein went through the same experience the DUP did.”

5.2k words | 17-26 min read time | TRIGGER WARNINGS: why is there so much lore. Death, experimentation and human rights violations, explained but not described.

The adults didn’t seem to like that at all. 

Dad stayed staring at the screen as Dr. Sims scrolled, the two muttering to each other as they read away. Aunt Sia seemed to catch on to something, as she immediately moved Brent to sit next to me—where he couldn’t see the computers—and left, saying she wanted to get something to show us. 

“What the hell does evolution mean?” Dad muttered, leaning forward with a hand on the back of Dr. Sims’ chair as he looked at the screen. 

“It looks like…” Dr. Sims drew off for a moment, clicking away on his keyboard. “There’s a lot of files on rayacitin here, but they’re corrupted. At least, I think it’s rayacitin? They didn’t call it that back then. Maybe they were looking at the gene itself? Let me try something…”

Dr. Sims brought his hand up to the computer, palm going blue-white hot as he pointed it towards one computer screen, the pixels lifting away and collecting on his palm. He moved that ignited hand to a different laptop, the pixels floating away like blinking fireflies and sinking into that one’s screen. 

“That’s so cool,” Brent breathed, a slightly jealous look on his face. I couldn’t exactly disagree.

Aunt Sia rushed back into the room, a smile on her face as she moved to stand right behind us, reaching over both our shoulders as if to embrace us. But she didn’t; instead, her hands kept coming around, and plopped two rats onto the table before us. 

Aunt Sia and her rats; when we were younger, she’d always have at least two at home — or usually in her pockets. Apparently they’re smart enough to sneak notes or steal keys, which was something she trained them to do during the height of her anarchy with Project Sanctuary. Who was going to blink at a rat in an alleyway in downtown Seattle? Not any DUP agents. 

And certainly not Brent, the one out of the two of us who loved unorthodox pets; he rambled for an hour once about the dream house he wanted to build with a room dedicated to enclosures for snakes and lizards and probably multiple venomous creatures. He was so enamored with herpetoculture that he planned on dedicating himself to it almost as much as architecture.

Come to think of it, Aunt Sia probably caused that obsession in the first place. 

So it wasn't a surprise when Brent’s hand immediately reached out to grab one rat that’s fur was dusted yellow, his grip gentle as he brought it closer. “What’s its name?” he asked, looking up at Aunt Sia. 

She smiled. “I call him Jerry.”

Dad sighed in that way one does when they know their friend isn’t telling the full truth. “And that’s short for?”

Her smile turned a bit devilish. “Surgery. His brother is Archie—short for Anarchy.”

I snorted. Of course it was. 

Brent and I played with the rats while Dr. Sims took to typing on both laptops, the smaller chromebook pinging and pulling his attention away for a moment. “Zeke, do you know anything about the First Sons’ history?” he asked, glancing back. 

Zeke blew out a puff of air, eyes traveling off like he was trying to look into the past. “Lord, you’re asking for information only paleontologists give a shit about,” he muttered as he thought hard. “Well…Cole said something about the First Sons having been around for a long time. Like, Salem Witch Trials old? Apparently they got a lot more members after the Civil War.”

“The Civil War?” Brent repeated, tearing his eyes away from Archie. “Like, the…the first one?” 

Zeke nodded. “The one in the 1800s? Yeah.”

Dad’s brow furrowed. “Wasn’t it required for all the members of the First Sons to have the gene?” he asked. 

“I couldn’t tell you,” Zeke said. “I know John and Kuo were sent in playing spy because they had the gene, but I don’t know how they knew it existed or how they tested for it before. Just that they were a bunch of tinfoil-hat-wearing nutjobs that thought they could bend spoons with their minds like David Blaine.”

I had no idea who he was talking about but apparently Dad did, as his head tilted to the side and he asked, “The magician?” with the same tone of voice he would if Zeke was talking about aliens. 

“They practiced mentalism,” Zeke explained. “Telekinesis and the like.”

“Didn’t realize we were in a bad movie plot,” Brent muttered, glancing over at me. 

Zeke heard it, though. “Hey, laugh all you wanna, but if what Kuo said was true, they were dead serious about the idea. Believed they were the key to…” Zeke drew off, brow furrowing as he realized his next words. “Humanity’s advancement.”

“Evolution.” Aunt Sia added from beside me, glancing at Dad. 

Dr. Sims paused the scrolling to click. “I just found some sort of schematic, look.”

Dad’s eyes lit up. “Zeke, come here.” He commanded, continuing, “Doesn’t this look like those pods in the First Sons’ base?”

Zeke squinted, the lack of glasses keeping him from seeing the image easily. “Looks about right.” he agreed after a moment. 

Dad nodded, vindicated he was right as he asked, “What else does it say?” 

Dr. Sims’ brow furrowed as he took his time in reading, eventually pointing to his screen and reading aloud, “‘Enzymatic Evolution System: this module refers to the part of the power transfer apparatus meant to house the donor’s Conduit protein, artificially mature them via RFE, and…encourage rapid skill enhancement and ability progression cataclysm by implementation of an artificially-integrated enzyme meant to trigger the protein’s natural development.’”

“Natural development,” I repeated, looking at Dad. “Like…getting stronger with your power?”

“It’s gotta be,” he agreed, chewing on the inside of his cheek. The way his eyes glared at the table in thought made it look like his mind was going a mile a minute. 

Something dinged, that same single chime of something having finished downloading, and Dr. Sims looked at the small laptop in the middle of his setup. “The journal just finished decoding.” He announced, leaning forward a bit. 

“Plug in ‘evolution,’ see what you get,” Aunt Sia instructed. 

Dr. Sims did—and both he and Dad cringed at whatever appeared on the screen. “What is it?” I asked. 

Dad shook his head in disbelief and looked away from the computer, moving to grab the physical copy of Wolfe’s journal under a bunch of folders and opening it, flipping back and forth through the pages until he landed on the one he was looking for. And he cringed, hard, like something in it hurt to look at.

And when he set it back down on the table, I couldn’t help but do the same. 

The journal, indecipherable to me by word, wasn’t as incoherent regarding what the entry was about—especially when there was a polaroid paper clipped to the corner that showcased the horror the entry had to be describing. 

There was a man held down…or, what probably was a man. The flat stomach and chest seemed to suggest so, even if the four arms didn’t. One was clamped between metal teeth, the others lying limply at his sides—like even if he wanted to fight, he couldn’t. He just looked so exhausted. His head was leaned back into some sad excuse of a neck support, his waist held in place by what looked like the world’s worst diaper. His skin was purpled, the muscle strained and rippled and looking like it was threatening to shred from the strain. 

And at the foot of the metal platform he was laying against, was the Ray Sphere. 

“Jesus…” Brent drew off, looking away. He never had the stomach for grotesque stuff, not by a long haul—but even I was finding this hard to look at. 

“What is that?” Aunt Sia asked behind us. 

Zeke let his foot fall from being propped up against the wall, leaning forward to look around Dr. Sims at his computer screen. “Son of a bitch, I’ve seen something like this before.”

Dad glanced up at Zeke. “You have?” He asked, bewildered. I couldn’t really blame him; Zeke had seen something like this before? “Is it another one of Bertrand’s things?”

Zeke shook his head. “Nah, nothing like that. ‘Bout a week or two after Cole killed Kessler, when the military invaded Empire City? There was this…thing that was trying to hunt down Cole. Purple like this dude, had four arms too. Couldn’t tell you what it was from, though.”

“Did you ever find out why it wanted Cole?” I asked, moving to cover my cast with my sleeve as Jerry did his best to bite a chunk out of my cast’s plastic. Aunt Sia saw this, grabbed the little rat off of the table, and put him on her shoulder as a form of time out.

Zeke just shook his head. 

Dr. Sims’ head, though, tilted slightly to the side as he looked at the picture on the screen. “I think I remember that,” he said cautiously, trying to access the memory from somewhere deep within. “Remember Mr. Seay’s class, Alessia? He’d have us do these current event things based off of news segments he’d show us. He had us do a whole debate segment on the news reels from Empire City, and it had some creature that looked a lot like this.”

Aunt Sia nodded slowly. “I remember that. I also remember him getting fired and arrested for spreading pro-bio-terrorist propaganda.”

Dad huffed. “Nothing like living in a police state.”

Zeke didn’t concentrate on Dad’s distaste, instead confirming, “The footage that got Navarro impeached? Yeah, that’d be this guy.” 

Dr. Sims typed away for a moment, and I could see the distorted square of a window pop up in the reflection of his glasses as Dad leaned forward to read over his shoulder. “David Warner,” he read aloud to the room. “Looks like he was a…a security guard for the First Sons?”

“Is this what happens when you’re near a Ray Sphere?” Aunt Sia asked, looking down at the picture in equal parts distaste and fear. 

Dr. Sims began perusing through other pop ups. “Well, I imagine it works like mutations in animals that were born in the fallout radius of the Blast, except worse.”

“Anyone macrodosing radiation would probably end up with four arms regardless of if they’re human or Conduit,” Dad added as a joke, the ease of his words not at all reflecting the look on his face. 

Dr. Sims’ fingers settled, a pop up in his glasses’ reflection growing larger as he maximized it. “‘Subject coherent and exhibiting changes to epidermis after being exposed to the Ray Sphere for a thirteenth time,’” he began reading. 

“Thirteen?” Zeke repeated in shock, eyes so wide I could see the tops of them hovering above his sunglasses. 

“‘Subject’s initial mentalist abilities and impressive physicality have improved, that is no doubt—though not without cost.’” Dr. Sims continued. “Subject now needs a substantial amount of neuroelectricity on a biweekly basis to survive. It’s as if its body has rewired itself to depend on neural energy, constantly craving it to keep going. This dependency isn’t just a side effect; it’s a fundamental shift in its biology to the point of being able to seek out neuroelectricity. 

“‘But that’s not all; when presented with a food source, the Subject actually refused after detecting the Conduit gene within them. After Kessler demanded testing and this was proven true, he simply assigned the food source its own kennel and demanded more testing on the Subject; declared it was proof of further evolution of the gene.

“‘It’s evolving, yes, but into what? Cellular structures are changing so fast it might become pathological if we’re not careful. I can’t help but worry about the long-term implications. What if this need for neuroelectricity becomes insatiable? What if its body starts to deteriorate without it? We’re venturing into uncharted territory, and while the scientific discoveries are thrilling, the ethical and practical concerns are mounting. I need to look into stabilization of the metamorphosis of exposure. The potential here is immense, but so are the risks. Strong, formidable soldiers are necessary for the fight ahead, but futile if they have to feed on the people they’re meant to protect. We must find a way to sustain their powers without compromising their integrity.’”

“The fight ahead?” Aunt Sia asked aloud. 

“‘It,’” Brent repeated, looking at me. “You catch that?”

I did. Warner was It, Subject without a name or a history or someone to care about him beyond what he could provide in terms of research. 

Dad only glanced at us before going back to looking over Dr. Sims’ shoulder, eyes squinting a bit like it would reveal some new information to him. “He probably meant the Beast,” Dad answered Aunt Sia, chewing on his cheek. “Wolfe was one of Kesslers’ top scientists, right? Guy had to have told him about the Beast.” 

“Smell Conduits…” Zeke drew off, like the statement had meaning. “Y’know, there were two other Conduits I knew who could suss out the gene. The Beast, and Cole.”

Dr. Sims looked over his shoulder. “Cole could sense the gene in people?”

“He could see it,” Zeke corrected. “John gave him the ability when trying to convince him to join his side. Said it looked like a little glowing ball right in the chest.” He brought a hand up to hold it as a fist in the center of his chest, Dr. Sims’ head quirking to the side upon the movement. 

“That’s about where the conducrine is…” he mused before turning to the other laptop, typing away. 

“So they were making Conduits to take on the Beast?” I asked. I guess it made sense, right? To fight a war, you need an army. Kessler was proof there wasn’t enough manpower the first time, so yeah, it made sense he’d look for more. 

Even if it was in some depraved sort of way. 

“Warner’s name is mentioned in the Vermaak files,” Dr. Sims announced, going through the computer that deciphered the hard drive. “Something called a…Warner’s Threshold…” 

Dr. Sims did that a lot; jump between the computer that held the journal translations and the one that had the hard drives, cross referencing as he narrowed down what he was looking for. “Here,” he finally declared, clearing his throat slightly. “‘Repeated exposure to the Ray Sphere manifests as a double-edged sword for Conduits. While it grants them new abilities, there exists a critical threshold for irradiated Ray Field Energy absorption. Beyond this limit, adverse reactions emerge. Warner's case exemplifies this; heightened smell sensitivity coincided with progressive sight loss due to extended exposure. This delicate balance between gained abilities and physiological detriment underscores the need for a comprehensive reevaluation of RFE assimilation limits. Understanding these boundaries is vital to safeguarding Conduits' well-being amidst their transformative abilities without corrupting their being as a whole.’”

“Okay,” Dad drew out. He regarded Dr. Sims fully. “What does that mean?” 

“If the Conduit gets exposed to RFE too much, seems they start to mutate,” Aunt Sia explained. “Guess that’s why this David guy had four arms.” 

Dad stared hard at the grain of Aunt Sia’s kitchen table, brows knit. “Brent, Jean—they’ve both absorbed core relays.” he realized, raising his head to look around the room. Everywhere but at Zeke, but still. “Whatever’s happening to Jean, could it be because of that?”

Dr. Sims grimaced slightly. “I don’t…think they’d be related,” he admits. “These are two very different situations, and Brent’s not affected.”

Dad didn’t look convinced. He especially didn’t look calm. “Th–the journal—does it say anything else about the RFE intake? If there’s some sorta enhancing-to-corrupting ratio?”

“See, that’s the thing,” Dr. Sims turned to the hard drive computer and scrolled. “There’s nothing left on Warner.”

“Nothing?” Aunt Sia stressed. 

Dr. Sims shook his head, instead reading from the screen, “‘I’m still reeling from Kessler’s sudden decision to pull me off the Warner project and reassign me to New Marais. The directive came without warning or explanation, leaving me to pack up my research and relocate in a matter of days. To make matters worse, Kessler commanded that Warner be put in stasis, effectively halting all progress and declaring the project ‘done with’ despite the lack of any final results. The work we were doing in Empire City was groundbreaking, and I can't fathom why Kessler would interrupt such crucial experiments at this stage. Now, instead of continuing our promising advancements, I find myself thrust into a new and uncertain venture under Joseph Bertrand's command.’”

“Stasis?” Dad asked curiously. “Like...they threw him on ice and forgot about him?”

Zeke huffed. “Sure didn’t work. Fucker tried to eat my brain matter.”

Dr. Sims kept reading as they both spoke, eyes growing more curious the further he read. “Hey, listen to this,” he said, holding up a hand to silence them. “‘My task is to refine the integration process using retroviral vectors and to employ Ray Field Energy that will enable stable, accelerated evolution. The goal is to engineer Conduits who can replicate the abilities of a donor Conduit through the introduction of specific proteins. By successfully integrating these genetic modifications, we aim to create an army of soldiers, each with identical, highly potent abilities derived from a single powerful donor.’”

Aunt Sia exhaled hard. “Sounds familiar.” She muttered.

Dr. Sims agreed with a nod, scrolling further still. “I know. And while it looks like they figured out the acceptable sievert amount—that’s how much radiation someone can absorb before it begins affecting their soft tissues, or, in this case, their ability—they started trying to figure out how to mitigate the damage but keep the quick evolutionary benefits. So they started injecting people with liquidated raythium to try and activate them.”

Everyone flinched at that idea, Aunt Sia asking, “Jesus, and how did that go?”

“Not well,” Dr. Sims confirmed everyone’s thoughts. “Not ‘till they figured out it couldn’t only be raythium. But once they started making a concoction with artificial stress hormones, they didn’t even need a Ray Sphere to make Conduits.”

Dad cocked an eyebrow. “This is starting to sound really familiar,” he said knowingly, looking between Dr. Sims and Aunt Sia. 

The DUP. He had to be talking about them, right?

“You’re telling me.” Dr. Sims agreed, turning back to his computer. “Listen to this: ‘using retroviral integrase and advanced bioengineering techniques, CR13A successfully activated the Conduit gene in an animal model. The subject, a lab rat, demonstrated Conduit abilities mirroring those of the donor, albeit on a lesser scale. We’ve essentially created a forced Conduit—proof that we can transfer powers through genetic manipulation. And no longer will we need the sacrifice of some poor soul to grant a Conduit powers.

“‘This success opens a new chapter in our work. If we can refine this process, the implications are staggering. My next goal is to employ protein engineering to enhance this method. By designing specialized proteins, we could potentially create Conduits with tailored abilities, far surpassing the natural variations. This could lead to an evolved form of Conduits with optimized and diversified powers.’” Dr. Sims finished, looking up at Dad. 

“So that’s how they made forced Conduits…” Dad drew off thoughtfully. “What’s CR…something?”

“Conduit Retroviral Augmentation,” Dr. Sims read off. 

“So they wanted to be able to activate Conduits without the dirty work of disposing of bodies after a Ray Sphere,” Zeke hummed. “At least it cut down on lives lost.”

Dr. Sims’ lips pursed. “I wouldn’t say that.” He looked over his shoulder at Zeke. “Was there anything…wrong with the Vermaak?” 

Zeke huffed. “What wasn’t wrong with them? They were all crazier than a junebug on a string.”

Dad was the only one to react to the idiom, glancing over at Zeke like he was the one that was insane while Dr. Sims scrolled on his computer. “Do you remember why?” 

“He said something about the power transfer not supposed to be used on multiple people,” Brent chimed in instead. 

I agreed with a nod, adding, “That it would overtax the activated.” 

Dr. Sims seemed to be lost in thought as he read. “That’s nothing like what I have…”

“What do you have?” Aunt Sia asked.

Dr. Sims’ leaned forward, reading from the screen, “‘Our recent experiments with retroviral activation in humans has revealed significant drawbacks. While it appeared, at first, that basic, non-manipulated integrase do grant the Conduit abilities, they are weaker than we first predicted. What has me more concerned is our original animal subjects; their abilities have waned greatly, with significant instability to their wellbeing. Illness is rampant in our original test groups, and we’ve lost 30% of the overall batch to death. They gradually lose control over their abilities…and then themselves.’”

Dad’s jaw set as he listened to Dr. Sims speak longer, something in his eyes changing. Gradually lose control over their abilities. 

“She stopped healing first.” Dad had said in the hospital room, what felt like eons ago. “You remember! The healing went first, and then the speed, and then the fuckin’—I thought there was something wrong with her.”

Mom lost control of her powers. So did the old DUP soldiers, and apparently the Vermaak.

Was I next?

Dad seemed to be on the same wavelength as I, saying, “So they had the same issue as the DUP,” as his knuckles white-gripped Dr. Sims’ chair. 

Everyone made sure to avoid looking my way as they processed this. 

Eventually, Zeke shook his head. “That’s…not what was wrong with the Vermaak, though,” he interjected, being the first to meet my eyes and shoot me a genuine, albeit pitiful, look. I could never decide whether that was better or worse than not being acknowledged at all. “They were wild. We…there was a Vermaak soldier that defected, tried helping Cole out. Every time we saw the guy…it’s like he became less and less human.”

“How so?” Aunt Sia asked softly, hand coming up to rest on my shoulder.

Zeke crossed his arms as he stared down at the ground, trying to access a memory that looked like it was purposefully buried deep. “He’d help us out with little things. Fighting off those messed up things Bertrand made, tracking down a…a Blast core, I think. I can’t really remember. But every time we saw him, he’d be…different. I know it’s a shit way to describe it but he would evolve—his powers got stronger, he got bigger, even. But something was wrong with the guy, like, upstairs. He started muttering to himself a lot, saying things that didn’t make sense. Eventually…he became this monster, we called them titans.”

“Monster?” Dad asked. “Like Bertrand’s?”

Zeke threw his head side to side as he decided whether or not to agree with Dad, settling with, “Sort of. You remember the DUP? You had your little guys who could just throw around a bit on concrete, right? But then there were those big fish, the ones who were all decked out in concrete. There were some like that. But there were others…man, they were all ice. Like it took them over.” 

After a pause, Zeke looked back up. “The guy that was helping us? Became this big ice monster. Couldn’t control himself. It…Cole had to put him down.” 

Dad chewed on his cheek so hard I was sure he was going to rip a hole through it, before he shook his head. “But that’s not losing power,” he eventually said. 

Dr. Sims interjected, typing away on the opposite computer. “It’s not,” he confirmed, “Because the Vermaak didn’t get the basic retroviral integrase.” 

He scooted ever so slightly to the side so Dad could see it easier, reading off, “‘CR27B, augmented for enhanced physical performance, heightened cognitive functions to ensure near perfect application of powers, and evolutionary acceleration to achieve rapid and significant power enhancement.’” 

Dad used Dr. Sims’ chair as a prop as he leaned forward to look at the screen before saying, “Try CR27B, see what happens,” 

Dr. Sims looked up the word, following it past journal entries he deemed unimportant before pausing—and as his eyes scanned back and forth, his brow became more furrowed. “‘Bertrand is a fool.,’” he began reading. “‘Even before Kessler’s demise, we all had concerns about using retroviral integrase for gene activation in carriers. Now, he expects god-like production from a process still in its scientific infancy. Our efforts were meant to move away from the need for sacrificial subjects, yet he now seeks to amass an army of them—for his own profit.’” Dr. Sims scrolled a bit and I could see in his glasses’ reflection that there were sections of the journal angrily scratched out, like Wolfe messed up his writings so many times in his rage. 

“‘The buses arrived a week ago’” Dr. Sims continued once he got to the next page. “‘Long before the agreed timeframe Kessler informed me of. Bertrand immediately had me begin evaluating the new arrivals for genetic compatibility, refusing to answer any of my questions. His refusals were punctuated by threats, even brandishing his sword on one occasion.’”

Brent scoffed. “He had a sword?” He asked. “Tryhard.”

Dad shot Brent that fatherly look that said stop that without him having to actually speak, Dr. Sims continuing, “‘He ignores my warnings. The current serum is still in its preliminary testing phase, and the evolutionary acceleration is proving detrimental to the health of the forced Conduits. Illness is rampant in our first group. Splitting one Conduit’s abilities over multiple subjects is not sustainable. The transformations he seeks to impose, however, will tear them apart.

“‘By intubating subjects with a consistent protein supply and exposing them to Ray Sphere energy, I created a Conduit that evolved far quicker than any previous trials—but at a significant cost.’” Dr. Sims turned his head slightly as he read; this whole journal probably meant everything to a biochemical geneticist. “‘As the subject evolved, I observed a marked decline in mental stability. Hallucinations, both auditory and visual, led to incoherent ramblings and eventual loss of speech. When graphite began to overtake their body and they became extremely volatile, I had to euthanize the subject and perform an autopsy.  Tissue samples revealed that the subject required neuroelectricity to survive, similar to Warner. However, instead of draining this energy from others, the proteins began to consume the subject’s own neuroelectrical output, leading to severe brain damage and cognitive decline.

“‘Yet Bertrand intends to create hundreds of these unstable Conduits, planning to distribute them globally under the guise of providing security and welfare.’” Dr. Sims looked over his shoulder at Dad, finishing, “‘His ambition blinds him to the catastrophic consequences of his actions.’”

Everyone was quiet after that. I could barely hear the ringing voice of that one Vermaak soldier in my head as he asked Wolfe why he was warning him. 

“Kessler.” Aunt Sia eventually said. “Wolfe mentioned Kessler informed him of a timeframe. If Bertrand was in charge of this whole thing, why was Kessler involved?”

Zeke huffed. “Because he couldn’t help himself?” he asked with such disdain. 

It was funny how much he hated Kessler, considering who the man was. The only thing that kept me from asking him why he hated that man when it was also his best friend in another life, was how stormy Zeke’s face looked any time he was mentioned.

Dr. Sims shifted to the hard drive computer, scrolling away until one final click and a read later, he declared, “It looks like Kessler finalized a deal with the Vermaak to use them in the forced Conduit testing to prepare for ‘any threats…human or otherwise.’”

Or otherwise. 

“The Beast,” I said, everyone suddenly snapping their head my way as they remembered I was there. “That’s what the Vermaak were originally hired for.”

Dr. Sims clicked back a few times on the journal entry computer. “Wolfe’s entry on being reassigned happens three weeks after this contract,” he observed. 

“And Bertrand hated Conduits,” Brent remembered. “So once Kessler was out of the picture…he had full control over what happened to them.”

Aunt Sia moved away from behind me, setting Jerry back on the table as she moved towards the cupboards in the kitchen. “You know, it’s funny,” she began. “You realize the forced Conduits came out…wrong with the First Sons, too? The batch without that acceleration protein went through the same experience the DUP did.”

“Way quicker than the Dupes did, though.” Zeke pointed out. “I dunno how they did it, but they at least got a good couple of performances outta their monkeys.”

Dad didn’t seem to want to join in on the jokes; he left his place behind Dr. Sims, plopping down in the chair to his right and running a hand over his face. “None of this helps us, though. Sure, we know why the forced Conduits are messed up—but Jean isn’t one. She’s not growing extra arms or hallucinating or going insane. How did Archangel do to her what happened to the forced Conduits?”

No one really responded. 

At least, not verbally. 

There was a sudden poke in my side, and I turned in time to meet Brent’s eyes as he used them to motion towards Dad. He brought his hand up, finger going to his mouth and coming back down in one discreet, swell motion. Tell. 

And I just looked at him like he was stupid, mouthing What?

Brent rolled his eyes, bringing both hands into the equation as he signed Tell Dad about Mom. 

Oh, god. Hallucinations. But that couldn’t be the same as this, right? I pinched my two forefingers and my thumb together, both telling Brent no and hoping he understood that I was miming for him to shut up about it. 

Why not? He asked me, thumb running under his chin accusingly. 

I brought my fingers together in an okay sign, letting the circles connect before flaring the fingers out fully. It’s not important. 

Brent lifted his hands to say something else when we both froze at the sound of Aunt Sia clearing her throat. 

“Brent. Jean.” She said, setting the mug she pulled out on the counter and crossing her arms. Dad and Dr. Sims were looking at us now, both curiously—though Dad with a hint of annoyance. Brent and I would argue all the time around him in sign language when we didn’t want him to know what we were talking about, it always annoyed him. 

I mean, sure, it may have been for arguments about used pads or asking to borrow cash to buy a new dab pen, but we also used it to plan Dad’s birthday and Christmas gifts, so he learned to deal with it. 

But Aunt Sia? She didn’t look impressed at all. She cocked an eyebrow, and asked, “You know I know sign language, right?”

[edwinspaynes]

Hawaii was an interesting place to visit, but in James's opinion, it was well worth it.

Britain did not have swaying palms, or coconuts or pomelos growing on the branches of tall trees. It did not have white-sand beaches like those of Waikiki, and there were no spacious roads anywhere in Europe that could compete with the vastness of both the ocean and the roads lining the Ala Wai canal.

The wildlife of England also could not compete with that of England, he mused.

"Did you see the lizard? James!" Cordelia's voice was bright as she pulled on his arm. He looked down at her smiling face - she was full of life, and so bright, and James thanked his lucky stars for the millionth time in the four years that he had the privilege of calling her his wife.

"I did not see it," he said. "But I'm sure that it was lovely. What did it look like?"

"It was small, and a sort of yellow-green that also oddly bordered on brown. Hold on," she said, putting her hands on the brick wall that the lizard had apparently crawled behind. "Let me see if I can find him." She plopped to the ground, her golden skirts green with grass-stains, and began to examine the mossy stone that made up the half-wall. James grinned down at her, gave her what his father called a Quiet Look, and she met his eyes with a blazing conviction. "Do look on the other side of the wall for it," she instructed in a voice that brooked no contradiction. "I do not see why I ought to be left to this task by myself, James, especially when it is for your benefit."

James chuckled. "You're quite bossy, Daisy," he said in a low voice, but he began to look between the bricks and beneath their overgrowth as well. Cordelia hummed, whether in agreement or amusement, and James poked at the wall. "It's not on my side," he informed her.

Cordelia sighed. "Perhaps he got away. I suppose I cannot grudge him his freedom. I wouldn't much like it if some odd, enormous couple began to poke around for me, either."

"I suppose that is fair. And who knows? Maybe we will see another-"

He was cut off by a little shriek from Cordelia, who looked down at her hand. The lizard was on it, now, its four-fingered toes touching Cordelia's pinky gently.

ART BY @hanelizabeth

"I thought you were looking for him," James said. "And there he is." He clicked his tongue. "The great bearer of Wayland the Smith's Cortana, savior of London and humanity, squealing at a lizard that she was trying actively to exhume?"

Cordelia shot him a glare, but did not respond. Instead, she turned to the lizard. "Of course I am not afraid of you, moosh," she said in a sweet voice. "Of course you are a handsome and wonderful little lizard. The best lizard."

The lizard, seeming to understand that she liked him, crawled up her arm. It rested on her shoulder and met James's eye, and he moved away slightly.

And bloody hell, Cordelia noticed.

Her mouth fell open. "Joon, are you scared of Freddie?"

"Freddie?"

"Yes, I have named it. A nice, gender-neutral name, as we do not know whether they are man, woman, or other."

"Lizards are sexually dimorphous," James said. "So probably both."

"Just as well," Cordelia said. "You are misdirecting the conversation, James. Please do tell me whether you are scared of this adorable, tiny little lizard."

"Trepidation hardly counts as fear," James argued.

"So he is afraid of you, Freddie," Cordelia said in mock horror, addressing the lizard. "He wishes to run for the hills after gazing upon your fierce countenance, no matter that the hills are quite active volcanoes."

"I never said I wished to run for the hills," James said.

"But he does," Cordelia whispered to Freddie, who placed a sticky hand on her neck. She giggled. "James, he is mine now, and I am keeping him. That had best be alright with you."

"I personally would not mind, though British import restrictions might," he said. "I would get used to him, I think, as he is in no way disgusting or mildly horrific."

"No. She is beautiful," Cordelia said, and Freddie placed her other hand onto Cordelia's neck, too. "I'll sneak her into England in the bosom of my gown."

"I'm sure she will love that and not at all wish that she could come back here, to the wonderful weather to which she has acclimated, and play with all her lizard friends."

Cordelia sighed. "I suppose that is true. Freddie and I were always destined to part, were we not?"

"As much as it pains me to say it," James said, "yes."

And after a few moments of playing, when Freddie skittered off into the great unknown, James was proud of the fact that he did not even jump.