#;; and his own overthinking of how others perceive him

[daily-hanamura]

[aeviterncl]

❝ It isn't false, ❞ Xander mumbled as he tried to correct the girl's assumption, his voice a little weak from having to push aside that feeling in his throat.

This was seriously a mess, wasn't it? He made mistake after mistake and he couldn't help but feel like he should die on the spot. His heart was hammering so loudly in his ears that Xander could barely process the words Vivian was saying now. And when she shakily met his hand to hold it against her cheek longer, the boy's heart might have actually stopped for a good second or two. The softness of her cheek pressing into his palm was only making him more aware of how clammy his hands probably were at this point. Seriously, this is what he got for not having the proper experience (despite having knowledge) on how to treat others in these kinds of scenarios.

Forcing the gears in his brain to keep spinning, Xander re-focused himself on the conversation at hand, ❝ You'd... probably be surprised by how many people haven't wanted to consider me a friend, ❞ the redhead muttered with a weak laugh to downplay the content of his words as he pressed his thumb gently into her cheek, ❝ so I didn't want to assume that you would. ❞ But Vivian's words reassured him. She wanted to be his friend and he was allowed to call her that.

A weight seemed to lift off his shoulders now. While he was still a bit flustered, he didn't feel nearly as tense as a few moments ago. Pausing for a moment to ascertain if it was alright to withdraw his hand, Xander looked into Vivian's eyes momentarily (or at least where he presumed they'd be behind her glasses); upon getting the implicit okay from the shift in the way she held onto his fingers, he pulled his hand away, knowing that he had really left it there for too long.

Upon hearing her comment about the door, Xander remembered that he was still holding her up on going home to sleep for tonight. Right, he still had to get back to his dorm too. It was about time for them to part at this point. Briefly glancing at where he was holding onto the door, he let out a sigh to reset and speak at a normal volume, ❝ I'll let go once you go inside, ❞ he gently reminded her. He was tempted to ruffle her hair again, but cupping her cheek was enough for tonight, ❝ I can't exactly close it when you're right in the way to be smacked by it. ❞

    Did she happen to be angry? No, not exactly... yet given how earnestly Vivian proceeds to educate him as if he were her pupil and she his teacher, one may easily get the impression that she was being a highly pretentious know-it-all. The whole entire time, though, she was admittedly trying to mask the hurt plaguing her mind; only, Xander must have been more astute than she initially realized, because the next thing she knows, he was suddenly cupping a hand against her cheek, causing her to outright flinch.

    What even possessed him to do that? Still, with how gentle his touch was, it doesn't take long for her to unconsciously lean into his hand little by little, allowing her eyelids to gradually flutter shut... and soon, she finds herself letting out an exasperated sigh. "Y-You don't have to comfort me with such false flattery, you know," Vivian insists, but despite her words implying she didn't quite believe what he said, trembling fingertips would, against their better judgment, reach upwards to idly rest along his palm... not quite applying enough force to keep it there, but at least making it apparent she didn't abhor the way he had caressed her face.

    When next Xander admitted his true feelings, however, a scoff of disbelief was quick to issue it's way past her throat, and shortly thereafter, she'll subsequently glance downwards, prompting black strands to fall over half her face.

    "You mean you sincerely believed that this whole entire time? How do you manage to be so... so silly? Seriously, I have no words," Vivian goes on to mumble upon being truly taken aback by his wholesome, softhearted nature. Why, he was just so sweet and innocent, she couldn't help becoming embarrassed over the fact she had envisioned him in an impure light; then again, it only made her want to potentially corrupt him, which she supposed didn't make matters all that better. "For one thing, we talked a lot today, didn't we? Not to mention you even gave me a card... therefore, it's fine if we call each other friends. Heck, it's not like you have to read a handbook entitled, 'How to Win Over Vivi', in order to earn the right to consider yourself that," she finally reasons, hoping to dear god it might help prevent him from being as sensitive as before.

    "Now, let the poor door go and make your way back to your place already." Upon muttering that, Vivian would at long last let her hand fall back down along her side. "At this rate, you're gonna catch a cold..."

[harryspet]

homestead [3] r.cameron

[warnings] dark!rafe cameron x pregnant!reader, farmer!rafe, pogue!reader, implied jj x reader, kidnapping, DUBCON, little editing,READ AT YOUR OWN RISK 18+

A/N: Hello guys, I know a lot of you asked to be tagged but I am only tagging those who reblog AND give me your thoughts on the story. Please refrain from asking to be tagged especially if you are not interacting with the story in any other way. Enjoy!

word count: 3.0k

In which you start to adapt to your role in the life Rafe's chosen for you.

homestead masterlist

During one of the three bathroom trips you made during the night, you realized your bedroom door wasn’t locked. You slipped on fluffy slippers that you’d found in your closet and slipped out of the bedroom before you could overthink your decision. Admittedly, after Rafe showed you the rest of the house, spending so much time in your room felt wrong. You thought you’d feel stronger, faster, but every thought of him gave you flashbacks to his hands pinning your arms above your head and gripping your thighs so hard that they bruised. The threat of that happening again loomed over you, and Rafe seemed to know that and used it to his advantage. 

You hadn’t known the time either, but the hallway was dark, and no light streamed in through the windows, telling you that it wasn’t yet daybreak. You moved slowly down the stairs, doing your best to reduce the creaking. You weren’t quite sure what your goal was. Escape, obviously, but it couldn’t be this easy. 

As you reached the bottom of the stairs, you were met with a silent house, except for the slight hum of the refrigerator. The front door was perfectly in view, and you quickly approached it. It was locked, but you had expected that. You noticed a small blinking red light near the front door as you looked around for something to break a window or unlock the door. The camera was pointed right at the front door. Who knows what type of alarm would sound if you even opened it. 

As you fully turned around, your eyes landed on a shadow looming at the bottom of the stairs. He crossed the walkway to the farther wall, flipping on a light switch, “What are you doing?” He asked as you rubbed your eyes, feeling blinded by bright lights. 

“Getting some water,” You lied, not making much of an attempt to look less suspicious, “Couldn’t find the kitchen.”

You should’ve known he’d have more layers of protection. After all, you were the newest addition to the livestock he was keeping. You noted his jeans, workboots, and t-shirt, realizing that he was up to start his chores. 

“Couldn’t find the kitchen?” He repeated back, his arms crossed over his chest, his face telling you he was close to lecturing you like a child. 

“I got turned around in the dark,” You added, “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s get you some water then,” He said, much to your surprise. You stepped towards him, and his hands found the small of your back again, and you instantly felt his hands everywhere. For you, he retrieved a glass from the cabinet and filled it from the refrigerator water dispenser, “Good morning, Honey.”

The clock above the stove told you it was almost five in the morning. 

You reached for the glass, but he held it out of your reach. “Good morning,” you replied back obediently. He withheld it still, leaning down to press his lips to yours. Just like on the nursery floor, you froze, but you didn’t pull away. 

When he finally let you have the glass, you tried your best not to shake. He was still watching you intently, even as you sipped at it. 

“How’s the little one feeling?”

The way he spoke was so warm and part of you wanted to accept it, to accept the care and love and warmth he so obviously wanted you to feel too. You could choose to be happier and let your baby feel that happiness too.

“Good,” you answered, “He’s fine.”

He wanted you to say more but you stared back, maintaining your calm. If you stayed calm, it was easier for him to perceive your obedience. 

“Good,” he echoed. 

You’d decided then that you wouldn’t hole up in your room if you could help it. You knew less and less about his daily schedule within the confines of your room, and you needed to learn exactly when he left, when he returned, and how long he was gone each time.

“You should get some more sleep,” You were practically pinned against the counter. Rafe reached out to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ears, letting his thumb trace against your jaw, “When I come back, we can talk about how you can start helping out around the house. That should keep you busy. Less wandering that way.”

You nodded, “Okay.”

When he finally let you go, you headed back upstairs to your room. Neither of you acknowledged the unlocked door. You didn’t want to give him a reason to change his mind, believing he was trying to quietly show you that he had loosened his grip. 

You woke again to a quiet house a few hours later. Your morning routine was beginning to consist of making the bed, taking a bath, and taking your vitamins. You found it strange when you got your own room at Pope’s house but now you found it even stranger to have your own room and not have to prepare to go to work. 

After your bath, you started spending more time just looking in the mirror, admiring your bump and how the bags under your eyes were already starting to look less drastic. You hadn’t realized you’d been depriving yourself of sleep. You rubbed stretch mark cream gently over your stomach, and you actually had the time to talk to your baby. 

Instead of your usual silk pajamas, you picked out a flowing white skirt and a blue button-up. The material felt light and breathable, which you usually required to withstand the summer heat in your current condition. 

From your closet, you pulled out the wicker basket you’d been piling your dirty laundry into. It felt wrong to open your door again, but it was a reminder that you’d been rewarded for your decisions so far. You carried your laundry downstairs, finding Rafe leaning against the kitchen island, enjoying an apple. His eyes lit up at the sight of you despite just having seen you hours ago. 

He looked dirty from the day already. His hat was turned backward to keep his long hair from his face, and sweat was on his brow. 

“You look pretty,” He said, his voice softer than you expected given his appearance. Instinctively, you wanted to roll your eyes but instead your lips pressed into a thin line. Of course he thought you looked pretty. Undoubtedly, he hand picked all the clothing in your closet. 

“Thanks,” You said, gesturing to the basket in your hand, “... I’m gonna start a load.”

He nodded his head to give you permission and you turned towards the laundry room. It was situated on a small hallway that contained the doors to the guest bathroom and a room he hadn’t shown you yet. The room was relatively small but there were tall white cabinets above each washer that seemed to provide a lot of storage. The washer and dryer themselves were updated and you assumed they’d be easy to use. You realized quickly that there was another laundry basket in the room, this one filled to the brim with what you assumed was Rafe’s work clothes. After finding the detergent, you started loading your dirty clothes into the laundry, deciding washing them with Rafe’s muddy ones would ruin the quality of yours. 

Later, you thought. You wouldn’t mind doing a load for him later. What else was there to do around here?

When you returned back to the kitchen, Rafe asked, “You think you can handle making dinner tonight? Gonna go back out later and it would be good to have a meal waiting.”

Your mouth parted. The idea of making dinner made you more nervous than upset at the fact that he was already filing you into your role as his housewife, “Um,” You started, standing on the opposite side of the island, “What would I make?”

“Anything you want, really. There’s cookbooks by the window seal if you need ideas,” He crossed his arms over his chest as he thought out loud, “Fridge and pantry are stocked. We’ve got about a million eggs and I just had one of the cows butchered so there’s plenty of beef.”

“I can try,” You said unsure.

“Good, and I know it’ll be great,” He smiled as he rounded the island, “Make yourself something filling for breakfast and then come up to my office after, okay? The door across from the nursery.” His hands brushed against your waist as he walked past. 

All you did was nod, your mind already calculating what you might possibly be able to throw together. You didn’t have much experience cooking, whatever foster family you were with when you were growing up could usually only feed you frozen stuff and ramen. With JJ, you lived the same and with Pope, his Mom usually did most of the cooking. 

Rafe seemed to have more confidence in your abilities than you expected. Or maybe he thought it was such an easy task that not even you could mess it up. 

+

You made yourself a bagel with cream cheese and after you finished it, you still felt like you were starving. You’d noticed that you’d started wanting to snack more often but you’d never had this much food available to actually do so. Rafe wasn’t nearly exaggerating enough when he said the kitchen was stocked. Knowing Rafe was expecting you, you grabbed a handful of blueberries and practically scarfed them down on your way up the stairs. 

You glanced at the nursery for only a moment before you turned toward’s Rafe’s office. “Come in,” You heard immediately after knocking, You expected some sort of dungeon but the room was painted a light color similar to the rest of the house. His desk was large but pressed against the furthest window. Shelves decorated each side of the walls and the only other seating was a smal, comfy brown couch, “C’mere, Honey.” 

He waved you closer and you walked until you were standing in front of his chair. On his laptop, you saw a screensaver of him and Wheezie out on the water in Kildare. You wondered if he’d told his little sister about you or if he was even planning on bringing his family around.

“Do you have everything you need for your room to feel comfortable?”  

You nodded and he grabbed ahold of your hand, “Have you thought about anything you want to add to the nursery?”

The nursery was a room you’d like to not think about for awhile, “No,” You said, “It’s a little early to have everything ready, don’t you think?”

“It's not too early, Y/N. You have to like, you know, nest.”

You raised an eyebrow, “Nest? Like a bird?”

“It means to get your environment ready for the baby. It’s like some natural, primal instinct Mom’s have. Some shit like that.”

“Huh,” You still gave him a questioning look, “Still getting used to this environment. Probably will be for awhile.”

Rafe smirked despite the fact that you were poking at him, “You seem pretty comfortable already,” He added, looking you over, “Speaking of getting used  to the environment. I wanted to go over my expectations.”

“Your expectations,” You mimicked. 

“I’m expecting dinner tonight but, in general, I want you to get in the habit of preparing at least two meals a day. I’ll let you sleep in most mornings because I have to be up so early but lunch and dinner should be prepared.” 

“Rafe, I—“

He interrupted you, grabbing your waist to pull you into his lap. You yelped in response but he continued on, “Keeping everything clean, vacuuming, mopping, doing the laundry, changing the beds, is also expected. I’m sure you can figure out how to do all those things.” 

“Rafe—“

“Don’t worry, I’m not expecting you do all of that when it gets close to your due date but I think those chores are reasonable.”

“Is that what you expect of me forever? To stay inside and clean and cook?”

“Only for now. I’ll show you how to do some of the outside chores sometime soon.”

“…that farmers market you were talking about. Will you ever take me there?” 

“What happens is really not up to me,” He pressed you closer to him, his hands started to trace the skin of your thighs, “Depends on how you react to things.” 

It was a clear message despite the fact that you didn’t want to hear it. “I think I can do more than be stay at home mom.” 

“I know you can do more, Honey. You have been doing so much more than one person should do,” Despite the fact that he was taking away everything you knew that you were, he managed to compliment you at the same time, “I can already see you’re gonna be a great Mom. Don’t you want time to just focus on being one? Yeah you’ll be home a lot but that’s so much time you can spend with the baby.” 

Not everyone gets to do that. It was a privilege. You were starting to feel ungrateful for not thinking that way. 

He continued, “Think about it. You can teach him everything, he’ll be so smart, and he’ll feel so loved because you’ll be right there to tell him — every morning, everyday, every night.” 

You turned your face from him, your eyes staring to well with tears, “Of course I want that.” 

“I want you to have that. You just have to be mine first, okay?” 

You brought your hand to your face, wiping tears before they fell, but wanted to roll your eyes, “I should get started on all those chores.”

You tried to stand, to push away from him, but he gripped your waist tighter. He placed his hand around the side of your neck, turning your head face towards him. “Don’t do that,” he was almost pleading with you. “I know you need more time … I just . . . I can’t help but get ahead of myself.”

“You’re right,” You gritted, “I need more time.”

“But the way your body responds to me,” He pushed you closer until your foreheads touched. With his other hand, he gripped your thigh tightly, and his hand started to move closer and closer between your legs, “Makes me feel like the good ol' times.”

His voice vibrated through your body, and you cursed how he could simultaneously make you feel so much. You needed the closeness desperately, but this was all wrong. You should be this close with JJ, but now you are even further from him. It made your heart ache, but Rafe’s hands and compliments made it a bit less. 

“Be gentle,” You warned. 

“I can be gentle,” He smiled against your lips before he pressed his into yours. You hesitated to move them in response, but he didn’t seem to mind. He just wanted you closer. He kissed you until you were practically out of breath, “I can be good.”

“Rafe,” You whispered, trying to find your voice.

“Relax, Honey,” He hushed you, lifting you until you fully faced him, straddling his lap. As his hands moved up your skirt, you closed your eyes, trying to control your racing thoughts. Soon, his fingers were pulling aside your underwear, “You like it, baby. You wouldn’t feel this wet if you didn’t like it. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell on you.”

His fingers were slow and careful, and soon you were letting out a breath and letting go of the tension in your body. You could focus for a brief moment. Forget that Pope and JJ probably thought you were dead. 

“Let me take care of you,” As you leaned forward, Rafe spoke in your hear. Your lips were tight, not letting a moan escape your lips but your body was shuddering, “That’s it, you’re doing so well.”

Your vow of silence didn’t last long when the waves of pleasure finally crashed over you. You moved your hips against him as he held you close, and he guided you through your orgasm. Of course, after the glow subsided, you regretted it, “The last time we did that, you were in the back of my truck,” Rafe said, and you could practically hear his smirk. He didn’t fight you when you climbed off his lap, fixing your underwear and skirt, “I believe you were wearing a skirt too then, your waitress uniform … You look even more beautiful now, though.”

That was hard to believe. 

He watched you with a smug smile, clearly pleased with himself. The flash of the memory made you feel like some part of you really hadn’t grown up, even after all this time. 

“I need to get started,” You said, your voice starting to shake. 

Without hearing another word, you quickly exited the office, your mind a whirlwind again. 

You spent the rest of the day immersed in household chores. You did yours and Rafe’s laundry, vacuumed the living room, and dusted wherever possible. The repetitive tasks gave you a sense of calm, a momentary escape from the emotions. You moved so you didn’t have to think, and the day seemed to pass faster that way. 

Using one of the cookbooks Rafe mentioned, you chose a recipe and made beef stew with roasted vegetables and a fresh salad. It was your first time making food that didn’t come inside a box with instructions on the side. It was more meticulous than you anticipated, and you found yourself trying the finished stew over and over, adding salt, pepper, and other seasonings as you saw fit. 

The aroma filled the kitchen, proving you a small sense of pride.

Rafe had gone back outside to work, but when he returned, he was slightly out of breath and carrying a rifle. The sight of it made your heart stop.

“What happened?” You moved closer, your voice laced with concern.

You watched as he tucked the gun into a compartment built into the wall near the door and he kicked off muddy boots, “One of our cows had a stillborn,” As he walked further into the house, walking further into the house, “Damn buzzards wouldn’t stop bothering it, and the mom was getting upset. Had to shoot off a warning shot to get them to go away. Had to bury it for her."

“Oh,” Was all you got out. The idea made you feel sick. You couldn’t help but get an ominous feeling. You rubbed your hand over your stomach protectively.

His demeanor shifted as he caught sight of you, his expression going from annoyed to excited, “Something smells good,” Rafe smiled; his mind had obviously moved on already. 

“Yeah,” Luckily, you felt your baby move inside of you, a small reassurance, “Dinner’s ready.” 

A/N: Hello guys, I know a lot of you asked to be tagged but I am only tagging those who reblog AND give me your thoughts on the story. Please refrain from asking to be tagged especially if you are not interacting with the story in any other way. Hope you enjoyed!

[zephyrchama]

Hello!!! I love your writing and hcs its so fun and silly!!!! I hope I'm not bothering you and if it's ok do you do headcanon lists? I want to hear more of your hcs if its ok

Hi! You're not a bother at all, I have so many asks I want to respond to but they're never a bother and I seriously think about every single one!

(I overthink asks way too much and then get worried that too much time has passed but I still want to answer them hhh. I also hoard praise like a dragon. I will get to my ask backlog, I've already written a bunch of stuff for them.)

I've seen that list style before, I don't think I've ever tried it? Have I? 🤔 Let's give it a shot with some headcanons. (hold on how do I make a bulleted list on this site) (I need to google it)

Lucifer

He probably greatly enjoys when Asmo does his nails, because that means he can't pick up a pen and is forced to rest for a bit.

I like to think he gets his gloves from the same shop as Barbatos.

I have these gray/transparent hairs in my bangs that are currently not too noticeable (my hair is naturally dark), but they sparkle in the sunlight kind of like hair tinsel. I like to think Lucifer (and maybe Mammon and Belphegor?) have hair like this sprinkled throughout their heads, and that it sparkles like starlight in the HoL's candlelight.

Mammon

He'd probably iron his money. I don't know if the Devildom has bills in their currency or if it's purely coin-based, but if there are bills I feel like Mammon would take the crumpled up ones and iron them crisp again.

I bet he tried to take a bath full of coins just to see what it was like one time and got in trouble for scratching up the sides of the tub.

He goes gambling so often, he's probably good at telling when someone's bluffing. He calls lesser demons out all the time for bluffing to his face and it's incredibly intimidating.

Leviathan

Being one of the Seven Rulers, he's probably just as famous as his brothers and is recognized in public way more than he realizes, but he isn't approached often because he's so famous and powerful. I like the idea of a gap in how he perceives himself (an unconfident shut-in loser) vs how the public perceives him (a strong and mysterious demon within the prince's inner circle).

His tail is long. I made it irl, in-game it's gotta be over 10 feet. I imagine when he's relaxed at home it just splays out however, but anywhere else he keeps it coiled close to his body. Hitting people with the tail would be unbearably awkwardly, he doesn't want to take up a lot of space, and it's probably comforting to keep it close. He could subtly rub his own back with it when he's feeling anxious?

Satan

He knows a guy for everything. He's got a crop rotation guy. He's got an ear piercing guy. He's got ten cursed book guys. If you need something, Satan always knows a guy. Though, he prefers to be self-sufficient. I think of him as a very charismatic person who's great with other people, yet a big introvert.

He's so good at curses that I feel like he sometimes might accidentally put a low level curse on someone, without really intending to. It just happens on rare occasion, especially when he's mad. Someone looks at him funny and is cursed to spend the next three days sneezing every ten minutes.

Similarly, he's the one who uses magic most casually. His room appears the most 'magical' of the brothers, he probably has a very efficient way of incorporating his magic into daily life. (Nowhere near Solomon's extent, but moreso than the other brothers.)

Asmodeus

He probably sings a lot, just for fun, because Ayme-san is such a good singer. You'd often hear Asmo's voice humming or singing when he's home and in a good mood (or bored). He has an easier time memorizing school subjects when he puts it to music.

I bet students at RAD search his seat after school for stray hairs, and then sell those hairs to witches for love potions. It really upsets him but after getting them to stop for a few weeks, someone will inevitably start doing it again.

Beelzebub

Beel probably has one of the fastest reflexes out of anybody. They all have fast reflexes, but I like to think he'd be at least a few milliseconds faster than some of his brothers when physically reacting to things.

I don't think he likes being alone with his thoughts, which is why he's always eating or working out or spending time with his brothers. He might start overthinking things and getting lost in a maze of dark thoughts, so he works hard to keep those thoughts at bay. He has a lot going through his head but is a guy of few words.

Belphegor

I bet he knows so much gossip. RAD students probably have loose lips around him thinking he's asleep, but even if he is sleeping, he hears them and picks up on rumors. He doesn't care at all. He won't go around spreading things more. But it could become intel stored in the back of his mind.

He probably doesn't like to brush his hair - he prefers to have it brushed by someone else - but I don't think he'd allow Asmo to do it often. Asmodeus might get carried away and start giving Belphie high-maintenance hairstyles that are a pain to keep up, so he refuses hair help from Asmo on most occasions.

I was going to write the other characters but this is getting long and I realized it's not quite bullet point-y so it might not be what you wanted. ;u; Hope that's ok, thanks for the ask!

[kindaasrikal]

Lloyd is the type to always overthink every action he has ever taken, and worries if it will affect the relationship or reputation he has. It’s always clouding his mind and he can never seem to forget any mistake, any bad deed, and negative actions he might done (or perceived to have done) and it always weighs him down. Lloyd has always been weak to his mind, and his mind affects his heart, so can you really blame him for feeling like he’s about to throw up and cry whenever he is near the person he has ‘wronged’?

Zane can never look at his body the same anymore. He remembers clear skin, smooth and soft that children enjoyed to hold hands with and elders teased him about. He remembers rusty old metal clinging to him as old as his existence, despite him mind and soul being much younger. Even when the skin peeled off to reveal said metal, that was still his body. It was his, and nothing can replace that. Yet as he keeps being destroyed, tampered with, hurt, and killed, his body is rebuilt over and over again. It is no longer his own body he stared at in the mirror, but a shell that his soul is forever stuck in. This is not his body. His arms were not that long, his hair was not that sleek, his skin not so shiny, and his mouth, so hard to move some days that he just wishes to sit in silence in front of a mirror, looking at everything wrong.

Nya has to be useful. If she is not someone others can use, others can depend and rely on, then what is she other than useless? She has to be good at what she does, she has to protect those who have always protected her, she must always stand tall and sure, even when she wants to wallow away in her brothers-mothers-fathers-lovers-arms. She cannot let her withering thoughts and weakened heart hold her hostage. And as she tries to escape from what she believes will make her useless, she falls deeper in to her insecurities, the shackles she has had on since young growing tighter.

Cole no longer wants to be someone seen. He feels the eyes of others digging into his skin as they wait for his wise words of wisdom, waiting for him to help, to always be a rock when he was always a pebble crumbling from the splashes of responsibility, of expectations warring their way through him. He wants to be free as a bird from the weighing eyes on his back.

Kai cannot live as his own person. He is not just ‘Kai’ but he is ‘Nya’ when he is protective. He is ‘Lloyd’ when he is fighting. He is ‘Cole’ when he is planning. He is ‘Zane’ when he is comforting. He is ‘Jay’ when he is talking. He is ‘Wu’ when he is teaching. He is ‘Garmadon’ when he is tired in grief. He is ‘Misako’ when he must find a way to fix everything. He is ‘Skylor’ when he teases. He is his parent’s child when he looks in the mirror and speaks with his voice. Kai is not just Kai. Kai is everyone he has ever met and cared for. And Kai’s worth is not in how he lives, but in how he sacrifices and changes. Kai is not a whole of who he once was anymore, and Kai cannot see his own worth when everyone else around him is so much more worthy then he has ever been. Kai will always sacrifice, over and over again, whether it be his life or a loved ones, whether it be something he wants or something he needs. He is more dependent than ever and cannot fix such an addicting emotion after being independent for so long.

Jay must always keep himself in check, making sure he is playing his part perfectly. He cannot make a mistake, he cannot be a shadow and he cannot be in the centre stage. He must be in the middle as he plays his role of something he isn’t. He is scared to be insignificant yet the eyes of judgement digging into him terrify him like nothing else. It scares him to think that one fatal mistake can ruin it all for him, set him back years of effort and of work of pretending to be someone he isn’t.

Bah i got lazy for a few but this is all i can throw at you lot for now

[callmenani]

can we talk about the fetishization of Gale, a freshly 18 year old boy, from characters within the series…

the repeated comments about his appearance and being perceived as rugged and masculine by those around him.

I know Collins may have added those tidbits just for the sake of the main romance, subtly showcasing Katniss’ disinterest in Gale romantically, but it can also serve as commentary on how children of color (particularly black and brown children) tend to be perceived as older and less innocent in comparison to white children. This can also be applied to the way Katniss views herself and other visibly Seam characters versus how she views the characters with merchant features. Idk maybe Suzanne Colllins was unveiling her own internal biases, or maybe I’m overthinking …

[miumura]

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 — TEN THINGS I HATE ; JAY FIC

“ I’ll do better, if you stay with me like this. ”

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ where jay keeps a journal where he documents all the reasons he hates you, his rival. despite claiming he will forever hate you, keeping this journal only makes him realize his feelings for you.

PAIRING rival!jay x gn!reader

GENRE angst, fluff — WARNINGS jealousy ; overthinking !

WORD COUNT 1.7K+ (1730)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ soph strikes again!! angst cb, did we cheer?? anyways i was in the feels okay 😢 listening to music while writing really unlocks something in ur brain im telling you…idk what really went thru my mind when making this but enjoy 😊🫶

#1 – HOW YOU’RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

Is it normal to have a journal dedicated to someone you hate? Whatever, I just need to get this off my chest. Whenever you’re involved, it’s like I could have nothing I want. It’s stupid, but I don’t care, it just pisses me off when you easily follow instructions, perfect things on your first try, and get all the awards I wish to have. I admit, jealousy consumes me. It's frustrating how effortlessly you seem to achieve anything you want without even trying. Seeing your achievements plastered all over the school only intensifies my anger, making me wish I could tear your posters into shreds. I've never despised second place more than now. Why can't I find contentment with my own scores or position, just like you? How can I remove you from my life and find peace within myself?

#2 – HOW CHEERFUL YOU ARE.

How is it possible for someone to remain so happy throughout the entire day? I can't help but wonder if you possess some magical influence over my friends, as they seem to shower you with compliments non-stop. It's weird to hear nothing but praise for you while I find myself complaining about various things. It's almost as if nobody comprehends why I harbor such animosity towards you, and this frustrates me immensely. Every time I express my emotions, they tell me to laugh and smile more, as if I don't already do it enough. But then, when I contemplate your cheerful and positive demeanor, it becomes clear why they encourage it. You're like the epitome of a model student everyone aspires to be, while I remain the perpetually angry and stubborn person. No wonder everyone wants to spend time with you, and perhaps that's one thing I can agree with others on.

#3 – YOU LIKE THINGS THAT I LIKE.

It's almost like a curse that we share the same interests. It's the reason I keep encountering you everywhere. Whatever I do, you seem to be there, expressing your fondness for the same things with your friends. It's frustrating, and I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of encountering you even more. Even listening to music has become a challenge, as I know you like the same artists. I purposely skip their songs because they only remind me of you, and I hate being consumed by thoughts of you. I yearn to stop learning more about you so that I can enjoy the things I like in peace, without these constant reminders of you.

#4 – YOU MAKE ME OVERTHINK.

Maybe because of how perfect you seem to be in other’s eyes, I wonder how I look in other people’s eyes too. Am I that awful to hang out with? Am I always seen as this angry person who hates everyone? I’m not that, I know that–my friends do as well. But others? I’m not so sure about that. What confuses me even more is why you persist in wanting to spend time with me despite any perceived flaws or stubbornness on my part. You could easily choose to be with other people who might seem better to converse with. Yet, you continue to stick around, refusing to give up on our “friendship”. And because of this, I can see how others might form a negative opinion about me. My constant push to keep you away could be misunderstood, leading people to believe I'm simply a horrible person.

#5 – YOU LIKE ME.

I'm not sure if you have romantic feelings for me, but I can tell that you consider me a friend. It's interesting because I hadn't thought of you in that way before, but it doesn't seem to bother you. Today, you stood up for me, and it felt really heartening. Normally, I might have felt angry or vulnerable when someone defends me, but this time it was different. I don’t know, it just did feel really nice. Your quick response in telling those people to stop was captivating, even though I didn't express my gratitude at the moment. Lately, I've been struggling with the loud voices in my head, and sometimes I wonder if you could help quiet them too. But now, I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey. You confuse me a lot.

#6 – YOU GIVE THE WRONG PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES.

The other day, I saw you in tears because someone had broken your heart. I must admit, I was taken aback because I had never seen you sad or upset before. It was quite a contrast to the cheerful version of yourself that I'm familiar with. What happened to you that everyone sees all the time? I hope you had someone to tell you your problems too, as it’s not easy for someone who is your rival to be comforting you. I didn’t, so I hope you went home that night filled with less worries because you have someone to talk with.

What surprised me even more was that the very next day, you gave the person who hurt you a second chance. I can't help but wonder why you keep allowing people to hurt you when it's likely they'll repeat the same behavior, ultimately affecting your radiant smile. Stop going back to the people that hurt you once, it’s only going to be a cycle. I wish I could share these thoughts with you, but I hesitate because I doubt you'd take them to heart coming from someone like me. However, I can't help caring despite my own imperfections. It's puzzling to me as well, as you make me feel oddly connected to your feelings.

#7 – SEEING YOUR TEARS.

I never imagined how much I could despise seeing someone cry until the moment I witnessed your tears. Ever since that day, I always thought about it, so how could I let it slip out of my mind this time? I’m sorry for yelling at you today. I’m sorry for saying I hate you. I didn’t mean it, I was just extremely frustrated today, and not at you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know how saying this won’t do anything, but I truly mean it. I wish I could rewind time once I saw water fill up in your eyes, but what’s done is done. You made me realize something crucial—that I've always seen you as a rival, whereas you only wanted to be friends with me. I allowed my competitive nature to ruin our chances of a meaningful connection. I fear now that you might avoid me, and I understand if you do. I worry that I might continue to hurt you, just like the people you often encounter, who don't treat you with the kindness you deserve. You deserve better than that, and I'm sorry for contributing to your pain.

#8 – GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I never imagined we'd get another chance after what happened. I tried avoiding you, genuinely attempting to keep my distance. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't resist reaching out to talk to you again. It's almost as if we both sensed the need to address the situation, leading us to have that important conversation. I still don’t know why you gave me another chance. Did I not say hurtful things to you? How easily are you able to put that behind? Your ability to forgive and move past it leaves me in awe.

It's making me reflect on my own flaws, especially how I tend to hold grudges and struggle to let go of negative feelings. I can't quite comprehend how you do it, but you make me think about you more than ever before. Every word I speak now feels like it needs to be carefully considered, thanks to your presence in my thoughts. Your gesture of offering another chance touched me deeply and brought a smile to my face. I can't help but wonder what you've done to influence me in this way. I think you really did something to me.

#9 – FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS.

We've connected much faster than I anticipated, even surprising my friends. I'm left wondering what you've done to me. You've become an all-encompassing thought – your smile, your laughter, your sense of humor – everything about you fills my mind. At times, I ponder whether I ever cross your thoughts too. Could this be love? My friends have mentioned it, and I can't find a way to refute them. I'm fond of you, immensely so. Isn't that a crazy twist?

It's a strange journey we're on. I started this journal to document the reasons I disliked you, but look at where it's led us. Is it too soon to be feeling this way? The idea of revealing my feelings is terrifying, yet I'm unsure if I'll ever have another opportunity. Please bear with me, allow me to find the right moment. Perhaps soon, hopefully, you'll be in my arms. I realize how absurd all this sounds – what am I even saying?

#10 – HOW EASY YOU WON ME OVER.

You won. You won my heart effortlessly, but I didn't win yours in return. I'm burdened with regret for how I've treated you. My ignorance and neglect weigh heavily on me now. It's painfully clear that he's all you've ever been able to think about. Why did I delude myself into thinking I could make a difference? If only I had treated you with the kindness you deserved from the start. Could that have made you love me instead? These thoughts haunt me.

I've grown aware of my own attachment, and I'm sorry for allowing it to consume me. I apologize for the disruption I've caused in your recent weeks. I can't bring myself to be genuinely happy for you and him, though he does seem like a better man than I could ever be. It's evident that I need to move on for your sake, to make things easier for you. Yet, there's a part of me that wishes I could still claim you as mine. That longing will always remain unchanged.

I doubt you'll ever stumble upon this journal entry, not that I would ever permit anyone to. But regardless, I want you to know that I do love you. It's a truth that's etched deeply within me, even though it pains me to admit it.

💭 — fun fact this was supposed to have a happy ending until i pulled out spotify n listened to lyn lapid…yeah.

ENHA PERM TAGLIST (🎥) — @flwoie @ixomiyu @yenavrse @shinsou-rii @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @yenqa @dimplewonie @bubblytaetae @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @starcubes @starikizs @wonioml @chirokookie @xiaoderrrr @neozon3nha @en-chantedtomeetyou @millksea @enhaz1 @eundiarys @woon2u @ja4hyvn @judeduartewannabe @j-wyoung @thia-aep @vampcharxter @softpia @officiallyjaehyuns @itsactuallylina @hsheart @sweetjaemss @ahnneyong @hanienie @jwnghyuns @kpoplover718 @jiawji @rikizm @haknom @yeokii @wvnkoi @whoschr @teddywonss @shinunoga-iie-wa @flwrshee @skzenhalove @misokei @s00buwu @ox1-lovesick @miercerise @litttlestars @enhapocketz

[sunnylolli]

Do you mind going in-depth about England and his BPD?

I would love to, actually!

I forgot if I already have, but my vision has ripened a lot since my initial headcanon.

It's a long post, so I'll put things under a read more!

I just want to clarify that I'm just giving him traits I can recognize from myself and friends I have that share the diagnosis, so in no way is this how every person with BPD/EUPD functions! (Also this is for my own indulgency first, please don't pick it apart for details, I'm just some gal projecting :,))

Anyway

The key components for this particular headcanon I see with him are unstable relationships, unstable self-image, paranoia/suspicion, imagined/perceived abandonment and a reaction hereto.

Because Arthur is afraid to be alone. He hates being alone and there has been a streak throughout his life of people leaving him or downright turning on him.

And what I see this mouthing out to is imposter syndrome and going black and white in pretty much everything.

"If they aren't explicitly with me, they're against me." (Ex. from historical canon see: Literally every single war and conflict he's been part of - Specifically I'm thinking about numerous instances in the war of roses and the Napoleonic wars.)

"If I can't be good (how he thinks goodness is defined as, which is practically angelic and pure, an impossible goal to achieve) then I might as well be as bad as possible." (His entire life, essentially.)

"I can't do it this way/I can't achieve it how I picture it, so I might as well not do it at all." (Ex. with how he gave up getting in shape because of Alfred's insane show of dragging his car around.)

He's uncertain in his ego and identity, he contradicts himelf a lot; Being proper and polite, posh, punk, pirate, primal feral animal etc. He has different aspects of himself he suppresses at different times and enforces at other times.

My favorite part to think about in this headcanon, is how in his childhood he was very much on his own, foraging and travelling, with the occasional encounter with people, his brothers and invaders. Such as France or Denmark and these encounters weren't always positive. I like to think of him being more lively and animated in his childhood. He shows what he likes and dislikes, he expresses himself and how he's feeling, he laughs more openly etc.

Overtime, he stores that away and puts on a farce to appear more serious and collected, because he wants to be taken seriously. He reflects the things he's seen and heard invaders do to his own lands and does that same thing to others.

He absorbs traits and aspects from other places, he allows himself to be influenced and altered, and reshaped and molded until he's so far from what he originally was that he's beginning to lose touch with what part of him is stolen and what part of him is genuine.

Thus, the personality disorder aspect.

As for the perceived/imagined abandonment, I see it being in many instances self-fulling prophecy, spurred on by low self-worth.

He has a hard time thinking and speaking positively of himself, and has a hard time truly believing that people actually like him and want to be together with him; Be that romantic or platonic or familial, he ends up being so disbelieving of it, he projects it onto others and gives himself excuses to withdraw from them or act cold towards them, such as "They'll leave eventually anyway".

His low self-worth vs. His self-confidence is a connundrum, because he can act self-assured and self-satisfied, but he's also absolutely not. The british spirit of self-deprecation compels him, fr.

He ends up being unpredictable in his mood, because either you'll push the buttons that sets him into a frenzy or he's going to downright stonewall you.

Lightly connecting this to his not-very-subtle alcohol problem, because I see him drinking to stop overthinking.

If he does allow himself time to think, he's going to spiral into the hardest self-loathing known to man and he can't really deal with stewing in his own loneliness, guilt, bitterness, sadness and self-deprecation for too long, before he actually begins to go crazy.

In most of my au's he does eventually go to therapy for it (Thank god) and his patterns do begin to grow more transparent as he tries to not be a self-sabotaging, insecure little man. And at the perceived abandonment moments, he'll start to look for ways to prevent it, instead of detaching entirely and repress the disappointment with liqour.

I think that's what I could conjure up from my mind about it for now, I'll reblog with additions if I remember more!

[rayroseu]

This line is making me sad akjdkakdks its making me imagine that once Malleus sees that his overblot causes pain rather than making the people of his life happy... he'll realize that "he is no good as a king at all since he harmed his people"😭😭

"Seeing you all worry helped me calm down..." ARGHH IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE SCENE WHERE HE SAW HOW ANGUISHED SILVER WAS ABOUT LILIA'S DEPARTURE... Like... I CANT??😭😭 HE'S SO CARING ABOUT THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS BECAUSE THATS AN EMOTION HE RARELY FELT SO HE VIEWS IT AS THE MOST PRECIOUS FEELING ??

but sadness and partings and goodbyes..."harms happiness", thats why he just created a world where it never exists... He's not just doing it for his own desires KSJAKDJWKD plus if "all dreams come true" none of the previous overblots wouldve occured and they'll live a peaceful life... but living that way would stagnate their growth... they'll be living the same life repeatedly without any improvements towards themselves

that's why even if Malleus' overblot stems from a good intention, his vision is not applicable to a human life as we all require growing up, overcoming hardships, admitting our mistakes and developing out from that... Those painful feelings are what makes a human life more meaningful and allows a person to give themselves a genuine good life. 🥲🥲🥲

But Malleus who's still in the state of "learning to be human", he cannot naturally perceive that kind of moral.

I just hope that after Book 7 there's no narrative implication that Malleus' coping was flat out purely wrong lol Bcs as Yuu said, everyone wishes they won't lose anyone important to them either...

Going back to the fact that he feels responsible for the happiness of others... I think Malleus lives his life very literally...

I think it was Lilia who said this...(?) That Malleus' power (or the Draconia's power in general) gives happiness to the people of Briar Valley (as their power can protect the dark faes) 🥲✨

Maybe this is the reason why he's "so desperate" in keeping the happiness of others and also giving them blessings that'll surely make them happy...

Okay separate theory... Maybe I'm just overthinking lol But the occurence of "falling" in TWST is so fascinating to me since thats a heavy reference to "Alice Falling In Wonderland" yk

Book 6 we already had Idia falling to the Underworld because he wants to follow Ortho, There's this implication that Overblots "falling to a deep sleep/darkness" thats why all overblotees "wakes up after their own overblot... I wonder if Overblot Malleus will take a fall as well??? His overblot title is "The King of Abyss" but I doubt that the "timeless Sage Island" is the abyss yk? What if we actually learn about the origin of Overblots through Malleus Overblot?

Because in the trailer we can see him snapping out in awareness(waking up) before he's trapped in thorns in what seems to be an Abyss--- So maybe, we won't defeat Malleus Overblot bcs he'll wake up from it (presumeably once he realizes that his overblot caused Lilia and the others pain???) but him breaking his overblot wont be possible bcs the "darkness" will engulf him of smth

I'm thinking of this because the existence of Overblot is so weird. General Lilia should've recognized the blot when it was taking Silver because of his despair since before Leona's overblot, he knew the vibes of whats occuring yk and same thing with Malleus with how he knew that he's planning to overblot, plus he knows the existence of STYX whos focused on overblot too

But strangely, the mages of the past (Meleanor and Knight of Dawn even Lilia and Baul) dont seem to possess any magic limitations concerning blot accumulation, additionally they dont even have magestones (that they use to gauge their blot consumption like NRC pens). Which makes me think that "blot or overblot" was not a "trait" that existed naturally in mages???

Since TWST world's history is implied to be changed... I wonder if blot existence was something that "a being" made up/cursed upon all mages lol

Idk where Im going with this tbhhhh ajsjaj but I just think its suspicious that only human magicians is heavily concerned with blot accumulation... whereas Malleus and Lilia never worries about using magic too much...

So wild guess, maybe Maleficia (since shes the only powerful person here lol) cursed "magic in general" so humans will never be on par with fae's magical abilities no matter how hard they develop it

Ig its to never repeat the "occurence of another Knight of Dawn" who's magic is even stronger than faes since he has no limitation so she created blot to curse humans to limit their magic else they'll fall into "darkness" idk

[rottenpumpkin13]

TW: PANIC ATTACK

hiya!! I've kind of been wondering, because Genesis can be all sorts of crazy sauce emotionally, what are some things that would cause him a panic attack, and how would he be during?

and Sephiroth/Angeal would absolutely tak care of him no matter what ♥️♥️

brought to you by my own sensory issues during a school assembly making me cry

lots and lots of love!

Genesis has a funny relationship with anxiety, because while he often feels anxious, he portrays himself as always composed and unbothered, as if nothing could break him, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

• Being perceived as anything other than strong is a source of anxiety for him. He has no problem feeling 100 eyes on him in a crowded room so long as they're admiring him. Turn those gazes analytical, laced with pity or hatred, and Genesis feels entirely naked. His heart races, he shifts in place, begins to look uncomfortable, which in turn attracts more eyes on him. The overthinking comes quickly, as do the reasons why they hate him. He has a readily available list in his mind he pulls out whenever he feels at his worst. It's the way he looks; if only he looked better. It's the medals around his neck, not enough next to Sephiroth. Sephiroth has more. Sephiroth always has more. It's his voice, he's been told it sounds annoying before. Maybe he should be speaking less. Or maybe they hate him because they see right through what he is—an insecure, lonely person who will never be enough no matter how much he tries.

• Genesis has a lot of anxiety surrounding the book(s) he always carried around. While part of the reason he has so many copies of Loveless stems from his love for the epic, he doesn't like losing things he loves. So he makes sure he always has two of the things he loves. Two of his favorite pen, two of his red coat, two of the same sunglasses....he was so glad the day Sephiroth became his friend. Now he had two best friends. That way, if one fell or flew away, he wouldn't be alone. The only thing he cannot have two of is his first and most annotated copy of Loveless he's had since he was a child. He treasures it greatly, but every time he loses it, Genesis thinks he's dying.

His fingers are numb and static beneath his leather gloves, the tears hot as they pour down his face, heart beating fast as he tries to collect his thoughts long enough to focus. His office door is shut and locked, so no one walks in on him like this, wiping his nose and hyperventilating as he pulls open drawers in hopes of seeing his book. When he sees it—nestled under a stack of documents, he collapses onto his chair, clutching the book close as he sobs. He feels ridiculous, in part because he didn't see it laying there sooner, but mostly because he lets it have control over him.

• Genesis is used to being sick, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother him. His immune system has improved greatly, and was much worse when he was a child, but it's still significantly weaker than the others. A flu that would be a mild inconvenience to Sephiroth and Angeal leaves Genesis bedridden and severely ill. The first day of being sick is the worst for him, the moment he first realizes he'll be away from SOLDIER for days and will be talked about. He's riddled with anxiety over what they'll say.

He thinks—no, he knows that they'll compare him to Sephiroth. They'll question why Genesis is always sick, why his health is never perfect, and why it takes Genesis days to recover from an injury that would be nothing to the others. And then there's the illness itself. He never knows what's coming. Will it be serious? Will it evolve into something serious? Will he survive?

The first day of any illness is when Genesis finds himself curled into a ball on his bathroom floor, biting the color of his shirt to keep himself from hyperventilating, his vision blurred from tears, wondering why he couldn't be normal.

• There's one thing that's guaranteed to send Genesis spiralling into an immediate panic attack no matter who he's with or where he is. It's not something he can control (he's tried). Sephiroth and Angeal are talking. Genesis is in between them (he's placed himself there to guarantee that he'll have a place in their conversation). But they're not responding to him. Genesis levels with them at first. His words are bold, he likes the shock value.

His jokes aren't the kindest. He's not a negative person, but he loves to complain. They dismiss his words and roll their eyes, as if to say "There goes Genesis again." He wanted to know if they wanted to go see a screening of Loveless with him the next weekend, but they talked right over him. Genesis feels smaller and smaller as Sephiroth and Angeal, and not even shouting Loveless quotes at the top of his lungs will be enough to grab their attention. He's not sure they're doing it on purpose. So he sits there, listening to his friends laugh, acting as if he isn't there.

Genesis can't take it. The tears are spilling before he can wipe them away, so he covers his face with his hands and lets himself cry. Sephiroth and Angeal notice and stop talking immediately.

• They're quick to realize where they went wrong, and even quicker to pull Genesis in and apologize profusely, assuring him that they weren't doing it on purpose and never intend to hurt him on purpose. Angeal has Genesis wrapped in a hug that buries his head in his chest. Genesis is still crying, softer now but still clearly upset. Sephiroth joins, sandwiching Genesis as he hugs him from behind. They're both whispering apologies and soft words to him as they let him cry.

Now Genesis feels embarrassed that he's crying and being cared for, which makes him even more anxious. Still trembling, he tries to pull himself away, but they don't let him. Sephiroth holds him tighter, and Angeal starts blowing on his face to cool him off, gently brushing the hair from his eyes. Sephiroth tells him to take deep breaths and slowly count as high as he can.

Genesis gets to 69 when Angeal snorts involuntarily. This catches Genesis completely off guard. Soon all three of them are doubled over laughing.

Angeal's spontaneous humor of a fifth grader is just what Genesis needed to be distracted from what upset him in the first place.

When he's calm enough to speak, Sephiroth and Angeal make him sit down between them again. This time Angeal is rubbing soothing circles on his back, and Sephiroth is holding his hand, lightly squeezing. They want him to explain all that cause potential panic attacks so they can help him avoid them, and be there for him in the future so he won't have to suffer alone.

[amethystina]

Hi! Thou Shalt Not Covet got me craving for more and thinking... what do you think is the difference between Ga On and Yo Han's jealousy? When would they feel most threatened? Also, how far do you think they would go in terms of their possessiveness?

Would love to read more about that 🙃

Hi there 💜

I think the biggest difference is that Ga On's jealousy is more internal while Yo Han's is more external. Like, Ga On becomes introspective, picks everything apart, and overthinks things, trying to figure out why this is happening and, not so surprisingly, what he did wrong to make it happen. Because even if Ga On would be angry and probably pretty vicious, he'd still focus a lot on his own "blame" and start wondering why he's not good enough. All those abandonment issues would kick in and he'd come up with a number of theories and what he thinks are answers — but they're all just speculations.

And, because of that, I don't think Ga On would really lash out against Yo Han and whoever's making him feel jealous. Or, well, with words and such, sure — and clearly mark the boundaries if he and Yo Han are a couple and someone is encroaching on his territory — but not by causing physical harm. Ga On's jealousy is more bark than bite, basically. Because somewhere deep down he'd be convinced he's just not good enough and that's not a reason to hurt someone else over. It's Ga On's own fault for not being lovable enough, right?

So while he'd get snappish and rude, he'd never act on it in a threatening or malicious way.

Yo Han, on the other hand — oh boy.

I did answer an ask about how Yo Han would react if he ever had a reason to suspect that Ga On was cheating on him and all of that still stands. I think Yo Han would focus all his ire outwards, the jealousy becoming a weapon to hurt others rather than himself (as opposed to Ga On who internalises it all and ends up hurting himself rather than others). That's not to say that Yo Han wouldn't have some angsty moments where he bemoans the fact that he's a monster and, clearly, no one can love him, but those aren't his main focus.

His main focus would be making life difficult for Ga On and whoever's making Yo Han jealous. And as for whether or not Yo Han would go far enough to kill? Uh, I mean... that depends on the situation? x'D

Ga On? Never.

(though Yo Han might just lock him away and throw away the key)

The other person? He'd be tempted.

But it would have to be an extreme situation, I think. Because killing someone he perceives as a romantic rival would, in some ways, be an admission of weakness. It would mean that Ga On has an incredible amount of power over Yo Han and I don't think that he'd be willing to admit that Ga On's choices can influence Yo Han's decisions to that degree. Especially if he thinks that Ga On has betrayed him by falling in love with someone else. That would mean that Yo Han has to admit to himself that he's pining after someone who's not his — which would hurt his pride something terrible.

So, in the long run, while Yo Han is certainly capable of murdering someone he considers a romantic rival, I don't think he would. Because it's beneath him. He's not that interested or invested in Ga On.

(except yes he is — he's just a grumpy old man who refuses to admit it to himself)

As for when they'd feel most threatened, I think it would be before they get together or just shortly after they get together. Once they've been a couple for years and settled down, I don't think jealousy is going to be much of an issue for them. Because they'll both know that there's no way in hell either of them is stupid enough to throw away what they have, given how well-matched they are. They know there's no one else who can give them exactly what they need.

And, like, if they have kids? Fuck no.

Both Ga On and Yo Han would go: "No, he loves the kids and me too much to cheat" and that's that. I mean, sure, there might still be brief moments when they have to get a little possessive when a third party is being too flirty, but neither of them would actually think that the other is going to respond to that flirting and start straying.

(partly because I suspect that they have an unspoken agreement of: "if you do cheat on me I'll take the kids and spend the rest of my days making your life a living hell" but that sounds a lot less romantic)

But at the beginning? Or just after they get together? There would definitely be more to worry about.

And their weak spots are connected to their overall insecurities. So Ga On would be afraid that he's not good enough, not lovable enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough etc. He's not very glamorous or suave and pretty shy and clumsy about sex at first. He'd worry that he can't give Yo Han what he needs and that he'll eventually become a burden or that Yo Han will grow bored of him. He'd feel clingy and desperate and wonder if, just maybe, Yo Han wants someone more like himself — someone calm, rational, and mature. So just the usual abandonment and self-esteem issues cranked up to a toasty fifteen, basically.

Yo Han, meanwhile, would feel threatened at the thought of not being able to give Ga On the life and love he deserves. Yo Han is nothing if not self-aware and he knows that living with him is difficult, so he'd worry that someone might come along and show Ga On that he can find a better, sweeter, and kinder life elsewhere. Yo Han would worry that he's hurting Ga On by holding on to him and that, maybe, Ga On will realise that too someday and choose someone better. Someone who can love him and support him and care for him in a way that Yo Han can't with all his jagged edges. That was probably why he felt so threatened by Soo Hyun — she could give Ga On a life full of love and light and softness, whereas Yo Han can only offer darkness. And Ga On deserves better.

Again, it all depends a bit on the situation, though. Like, different insecurities rise to the forefront depending on where they are in their relationship and what the exact situation is.

But something like that, I guess?

I admit I've debated whether or not to write a fic based on that ask about Yo Han being jealous but goddamn it would hurt so maybe not x'D I don't like hurting myself (or Ga On) like that.

I've also toyed with the idea of writing Yo Han's POV of Thou Shalt Not Covet partly because I think it's hilarious just how confused he was there for a second. But that also means I'd have to write out Yo Han's thoughts and not all of them were pretty or kind. He's not a nice man — even less so when Ga On gives him such a perfect opening for some manipulation that will result in Ga On staying by his side >_>

So we'll see. It's not very high on my list of priorities right now since I have so many other projects I want to focus on.

Thank you so much for the ask! Please take care 💜

[cherubchoirs]

i'd love to know more about your take on v2 :]

or just see more of your art of it in general i love how you draw sm <3

YAAAAYAA i get to talk about my updated idea on v2!!! because i've done a lot of thinking on it!!

i still hold to the idea that v2 is a big dreamer and it's quite set apart from the other machines due to being trained on thousands of social protocols - even down into hell, v2 wanted to protect what was left of humanity as it was never given any other objective beyond its foundational instructions. however, i do now like the idea that v2 meant to spar with v1 in their initial encounter, somewhat naive to what its predecessor was and also just...idealistic. it was in hell, but v2 didn't fully conceptualize that in its rudimentary (at that time) sentience. upon its defeat, much of what v2 understood about the world as it perceived it was shattered - it had engaged as a "friendly" test of strength, perhaps to learn, and v1 met it with a swift, unrelenting brutality that saw it mutilated as it fled for its life. that. broke something fundamental in v2's programming. it learned this world is not about protection or learning. this world is cruel, and the cruelty of reality was packaged into v1, which it believed it had to outmatch in violence to survive. it followed that thread of logic wrapped in a deep sense of betrayal, attempting to train itself in that savagery to claim hell for its own even against supreme machines like its predecessor. because v1 must be their pinnacle, the most vile of them. yet this was contrary to what v2 was, a protector at heart, not a machine so woven into battle that it could freely absorb the pain it caused to renew itself without slowing. its rematch with v1 was always doomed, because v2 was driven to meet it where it was but never could when it was so singular as a machine meant to keep the peace. it knew when it ran a second time that it had been a fool and it was a dead man walking at that point. it never should have pursued. yet. in idealism it was destroyed...thinking at least it tried. it tried to stop v1, to stop the war from coming, it just wasn't good enough.

upon its revival, v2 is incredibly introspective and intelligent, refusing to ever again give in to cruelty. it may be in hell, it may be surrounded by desperation, but it cannot pursue that course again, even if that means searching for alternative means of fuel or constantly living on the edge of starvation. it doesn't care, it will not be molded into something it doesn't see itself as. it was made as a protector and at the very least, it will do no harm to the husks (and i think even occasionally protects them from demons or other machines). this is why i think v2 becomes a scientist of sorts - it's looking for other ways to survive, studying the mechanisms of hell, demons, husks, and angels when it gets the chance, just to see what recourse it has lest it die again (albeit on its own terms now). v2 struggles a lot at this point, coming to terms with the idea that it was an inferior by-product of v1's scrapping, only existing to recoup lost cash and almost sick with regret over how it squandered its first life. v2 is incapable of being gentle with itself, overthinking so much to the smallest degree and simply not coping well with being stuck in hell since this is so antithetical to what it is, what it feels is its heart. it has no place, not when it was made and not now that the world has ended, like it was never meant to be at all and existence itself spits it out. hell likely revived it just to make it insane.

THIS is the state it's in when it meets michael, who's initially not much more than a welcome distraction and an enormous curiosity. yet as it comes to know him (not...an easy task), it sees itself in him - michael was made to protect just as it was, and he was just as carelessly and clumsily forced to take the place of his predecessor when he was never meant to hold that role. he overthinks, a deep mind never given the chance to grow because he only ever had to do his job. and ultimately, he died due to his own foolishness, by going against his very nature. they are two beings that have never fit, not in the objective they were given or now in a world without their creators. v2, as a personality, is sharp and frank, given to a bit of teasing but highly observant in many of its remarks - it manages to cut through michael's aloofness and how he still cleaves to his title as prince of heaven. still, half of the time it makes him relent only because v2 isn't nearly as reluctant as he is to open up (v2 has wanted so deeply to be understood that holding back now would be ridiculous). its earnestness makes him begin to reciprocate and the clarity it offers without all the pretense of speaking to a high archangel makes him reconsider a whole lot about his preconceptions (plus it's very willing to disagree with him and engage in debates when needed, which a pushback michael desperately needs at this point). soon it's looking for a way they can both survive and it has a partner in that pursuit, a companion after all this time of feeling singularly left behind.

[shannynouhoh]

Shadows of Isolation

BEARBLR PROMPTOBER DAY 1 - Scary Movie

pairing: Richie Jerimovich x Reader

word count: 735

notes: I don't know who is going to read this, this is only my second time sharing fan fiction writing. Bearblr Prompter sounded so good, I wanted in. Happy October.

Richie would definitely consider himself a romantic, albeit a bit rusty at this point. Always the loud and obnoxious one among a group, opportunity was limited to showcase certain skills of romance. Tonight was going to be a normal Wednesday evening, normality he has grown accustomed to since meeting her - a breath of fresh air and friend first and foremost. You invite his obnoxious jokes, you even have a few of your own up your sleeves, yet it is your acceptance that has anchored him the most. Being around you doesn’t simply prompt introspection, it encourages it. For Richie, a blessing when the rest of his life is going well, a curse when it all topples down one meltdown and one interaction with Frank at a time. 

He met you at a bowling club, long after the rest of his The Bear family left the scene. An attempt to avoid life for just one more lime soda on ice. “Last one’s paying, am I right?” you smirked returning your bowling shoes after giving them a good clean. He looks at you confused and you wave your debit card defeatedly. “That’s how it goes. Did your friends leave you to pay as well?”. Richie sips from his drink and shakes his head, “that’s some asshole friends you’ve got, sweetheart.” You nod with a smile as your eyes move toward the exit, “Naaah they’re okay.” you respond warmly. After settling the bill you turn to him, “You want some company while you finish this drink?”

That's how your friendship started, a long conversation about bowling and your respective friend groups later and you suggested to stay in contact in case the other ever needs a bowling partner. And bowling turned into billiard nights, laser tag, arcade strolls once every two weeks if you could arrange it. Richie was hesitant in the beginning, the attention he received from you felt like a set up. In his eyes, whatever your intention was, you were way out of his league and your blatantly open flirting triggered internal alarm bells. If you asked The Bear, everyone would attest that Richie’s demeanor changed over a very short period of time, and life seemed a bit lighter. And sometimes he dared to dream about those doubt-inducing what-ifs. What if she doesn’t flirt just for shits and giggles, and what if this is his second chance?

Tonight felt different; tonight, you had invited him for a scary movie night to your place—you, a woman whose laughter sparkled like sunlight through trees—welcoming him into the comforts of your home  to watch horror films on an oversized projector screen in your living room. Sharing space and sharing your passion for horror with him is totally normal between friends, but Richie’s brain has been in overthinking mode since you so casually suggested the very different plans for your treasured fortnightly Wednesdays. He toyed with the idea inviting you over many times and you beat him to it. As the sun dipped below the horizon and shadows began to dance around along the walls, Richie suddenly felt overwhelmed by a tide of self-doubt that gnawed at him like a malicious specter from one of their chosen films.

The movie flickered ominously as you shared popcorn and half-hearted giggles and sweet “fuck offs” mouthed at each other when creatures leapt out from dark corners onscreen and it took him offguard. Yet with each echoing shriek from your lips came another reminder of Richie’s perceived inadequacies—your stories of trips around the world with your friends, live music you’ve experienced and all these soft impressions of a life fully lived draws stark comparisons against his new solitary lifestyle filled only by weekends with his daughter and hopes of somehow turning all this shit around. He marvels at your spirited conversations but feels a heavy weight settle over him: How could someone so wonderfully alive be interested in someone like him? As anxiety washes over him, turning every heartbeat into thunderous doubt, Richie finds himself retreating further into his thoughts even as you laugh together at his wild reactions to ridiculous jump scares.

And as darkness envelopes you both, something shifts within Richie and it becomes clear to him that maybe there is no place for him in your life, not right now when all he has are glimpses of who he could be, and no real appreciation for who he is.

[silverquillsideas]

This episode was the best for me so far!! 🥺 I absolutely adored the way they handled kongthap and atom's respective misunderstandings, atom's fears of coming out to people and how others might perceive him and kongthap because of their relationship.

(I'll just jot down some of my thoughts as a casual viewer, and disclaimer, I haven't read the manga, and forgot half of what happened in the KH adaptation, so this is purely my personal perception of the Thai adaptation.)

Atom has a dramatic personality, he overthinks situations and gets caught up in his own big fears, and the fears are absolutely justified, in this case. And I think the imaginary montage with the two moms was more of a way in which we get a glimpse into his larger than life, chaotic, comedic thought process more than suggesting a "dismissive of queer identity as a joke" POV I've seen in the tags here, but that's just me :')

I'm glad he trusts kongthap enough to confess his fears to him, and that kongthap takes him seriously and tries to understand where he's coming from.

Glad the show didn't go the homophobic teacher route implied in the preview last week, and instead gave us two queer elders guiding atom and kongthap on their journey ❤️

I liked the analogy that Annop gave of different kinds of love and the chocolate cakes :') it was a gentle way of unravelling atom's genuine fears of their relationship being "different from other people's" and the way he's more afraid of how people will look at kongthap in a negative light than what people think of him, and that just goes to show how selfless he actually is, deep down.

Annop acknowledges the difference of the love atom was talking about, but he also says that even tho they may be different in form and shape and how people express them, essentially they are still love, and Atom shouldn't judge himself so harshly for his feelings. He shouldn't bow down to other people's perception of him and kongthap and end up hurting them both.

Also, I've seen a strange criticism of the musical performances in MLMU being "too overdramatic / cringe / OOC" from mostly US American / western bloggers here, and I just wanted to say, please chill out 😂 musical segments are pretty common in south Asian / SEA media/ storytelling in general. If you've seen any Indian/bollywood films ever in your life, chances are that, you'll see at least 2 songs and 1 dance and all of them are meant to be taken FICTIONALLY, with suspension of disbelief and not literally assumed that the characters breaking into song and dance are seasoned performers or what not. The music and dance segment IS a part of storytelling itself, meant to convey the mood of the characters, the emotions in the scene, in that segment of the story. So please cut atom and kongthap some slack lmao

I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying gemfourth's heavenly vocals and wish that peace on other viewers too :')

Also I'm loving how Gemini and Fourth as actors interpreted Ida and Aoki. In the jp version, personally, Ida felt a bit too stiff and robotic for me, I'm glad Gemini played kongthap as more of a soft, quiet boy who laughs, jokes around, and gets petty and silly at moments as he navigates his feelings. I also love how Fourth is playing Atom, giving him comedic beats and dramatic expressions but there's also a certain grounded, vulnerable core to him that comes out in heavier moments and absolutely punches me in the guts.

Overall, I'm genuinely enjoying seeing these 2 being dorks in love, navigating their big feelings and finding friendship and community in the people around them 🥺❤️

[slavghoul]

Slav, do you ever just get the feeling that Ghost is getting turned into everything it shouldn’t be? I have always frowned on gatekeeping things and exposure is good for a band’s success etc but it’s putting me in the mind of all of the various things in the world that were ruined by too many tourists. Like national parks getting trampled or famous statues being discolored after everyone needed to touch it. You know? To be fair I’m a chronic overthinker but I can’t help but feel like I’m witnessing it (the fan side, not the music itself) being twisted into exactly what Tobias would hate.

This response came out VERY lengthy, I apologize in advance.

To answer your question shortly: yes, I do feel that way sometimes. However, I would be hesitant to involve TF in this discussion because I don't know him on a level that would allow me to gauge his true feelings on any particular matter. If I were to say "I hate it when Ghost fans [blah blah blah], because he would hate that!" it would only be an attempt to justify my own opinion about something, not a genuine concern for his feelings. Implicitly, I would also be shaming other fans and making them think that they are enjoying the band "the wrong way" when in reality, they simply enjoy it differently than me. That's unfair because I have no right to dictate how others should perceive Ghost. Everyone's experience with the band is unique and personal to them, and I have no authority to infringe upon that.

I think the sort of disillusionment that you describe is a common experience when you're a fan of virtually anything and it evolves. There's no solution for it. It just is what it is. The question is, to what extent is it a result of the band "being turned into something it shouldn't be" and how much of it is simply due to our own personal sense of nostalgia?

If you became a fan of the band several years ago, you'll likely always look back on those times through rose-tinted glasses. No other experience will ever compare to the emotions you felt back then, because they were formative and unique to that time in your life. You may continue to enjoy the band, but it's unlikely that anything will be able to replicate the same level of excitement and anticipation you felt when you were first introduced to them.

Of course, it's true the band has evolved and there's no denying that the community has undergone a significant shift over time. If you had seen them in concert a decade ago, the majority of the audience were people in their 20s and 30s. You had an odd kid here and there and the occasional, let's say, 'senior citizen' headbanging, but majority were young adults. It made for a very different dynamic which was also reflected in online spaces in terms of what was being discussed, how it was being discussed, and what the focus was on. These days, Ghost attracts a much wider age range with a significant portion of their current fans being on the younger side, pre-teens and teenagers. That's fantastic actually, I am very happy that is the case and I welcome them all. However, being 30-ish myself, I simply don't enjoy things in the same way they do and I don't focus on the same things they do.

It's very easy to become jaded when that's the case because you start to feel like you're no longer part of the target audience, and that can be disheartening. I make a conscious effort to prevent that from becoming an issue for me because I love Ghost dearly. At its core, it is still the same band I fell in love with. TF is doing exactly the same thing he has always done, but now on a larger scale, obviously. It's not being transformed into anything it hasn't been before. It's a bit more commercialized, sure, but that's not a crime.

Basically, it's up to us to decide how we want to engage with what is being offered. You need to find a way of consuming Ghost in a way that is comfortable to you or else you may get disenchanted very fast.

At the risk of sounding like a giant dick, I will admit that I intentionally stay away from the fandom and don't follow anyone because.. man, it's actually impossible to say this without sounding like a dick.. because I don't see eye to eye with majority of other fans and it taints my experience if I see too much of what others are saying or doing. To reiterate the point I made earlier, it doesn't mean that others are doing anything wrong and I'm doing it right; no, we are simply doing it differently. I made peace with the fact that I can't control how others act and that's completely fine. I live in my own little Ghost bubble, which, although solitary, is a tranquil place. I decide what I want to see and what I want to share, and who I want to talk to and about what. That's my way of remaining levelheaded and keeping the thoughts you describe at bay.

Apologies for crafting a whole ass high school essay on this fine Friday evening.. if you know me you know that I think and talk a fucking lot, hehe. I don't even know if anything of what I said makes sense, probably not. If you're still reading, thank you and sorry!

[mwolf0epsilon]

I'm curious why do you think Dogma woulkd make friends with mouse droids

Honestly it just boils down to my personal interpretation of Dogma's character and the way he perceives the world around him.

He's still fairly fresh off Kamino so he's got that newbie trooper attitude (coupled with the fear and anxiety that's made him cling on so tight to his role as a perfect soldier), most likely got promoted to sergeant for his test scores (and I'll bet someone as meticulous about his duties and conduct as Dogma, would have pretty high marks right off the bat), and he's also on the fringe of the spectrum (not enough to be appointed as a maintenance clone, but just enough that others notice his peculiarities and social ineptitude).

Dogma is not easy to get along with right away (not for lack of trying but hey, when you have a bit of an attitude problem and a hard time reading between the lines, it's completely normal to slam into a communication barrier of sorts). He's rather assertive, highly opinionated, and definitely has that stubborn and unyielding spark that makes the 501st so unique (even if others immediately think he's an ill fit for this battalion in particular due to his stringent behavior). He's also an anxious mess that overthinks situations when he doesn't have all the information, which leads him to jump to conclusions and formulate a plan based exactly on those very conclusions (ex: Deciding that to minimize damages he and the rest of the 501st should follow Krell without question, even at great personal cost).

It's not that he's inflexible to change, it's just that it takes him longer to acclimate to those changes. And, unfortunately, Dogma was simply not used enough to being outside of Kamino's oppressive grasp, to be able to relax enough that he could begin to assimilate the idiosyncrasies of his new battalion and environment.

Combine to that the fact others didn't quite understand why Dogma clung so tightly to order, and that Tup (the only trooper who seemed to get Dogma on some level) was much easier to befriend, and you end up with a trooper who is socially isolated for reasons neither he nor others quite understand. Which brings us to why exactly I think Dogma would befriend and even find some kinship with Mouse Droids:

You're alone. Well, actually that's not quite right. You were actually raised among millions of brothers, all of which share your face and voice but never quite understood you on more than a superficial level. You try to show them you care in your own way. Cling tight to your teachings and convictions (things that have kept you safe for the entirety of your very short childhood), in the hopes that maybe your prowess will help keep yourself and your brothers alive. And yet you're alone. Your one friend and closest brother is pulled away from your side by your older brothers. None of which really cast more than a disdainful look towards you because you're a bit of a nuisance to them. You're alone and you don't know why. And neither do your brothers. But you find someone who comes close to understanding what this particular misery is like. They don't look like you and don't share a voice or language, but you taught yourself how to speak theirs anyway. You share a need for a sense of direction and order. You understand your place in the universe. And yeah, they're maintenance droids and you're a clone sergeant. But at least you're not alone anymore.

Something something, the eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness. And if Dogma can't find companionship with his vode, then at least he can find some solace in a demographic that could definitely use some more kindness and respect.