#:( I want to fix my brain but alas

[gothsuguru]

i made so much progress on “butchered tongue” i’m so happy AHHHHHHHHH :3 still a long way to go but i’m gonna pat myself on the back regardless <3

[zer0point5ive]

lawrence and amanda should bring adam back wrong i think .. get real weird and abomination against god with it and bring him back as some sort of fragile fucked up deadalive guy who freaks out about not having a heartbeat. or something

[wanderingchocolateeclair]

Have a couple doodle pages for my Modern Devil au (couldn’t come up with a better name so lmao it’s that now)

I’ll happily make a lore post later, but for now a short summary is basically just:

Certain divine beings of many kinds live amongst humans in modern society, and they have specific jobs involving investigating stuff and just general office work. The building for angels and the building for demons are across from each other, despite working together, bc the large amount of them causes them to not be able to be in the same space.

But yeh :)

They <3

[loverofallthingssmart]

i need to smash things. this would cure me.

[piplupod]

would rly love to know why the brain and nervous system have decided to gift me with The Evening Horrors every day for the past ... week ? ish ? what the heck changed that made this start happening consistently every time dinner rolls around :[

[emeraldcreeper]

I love when all my coping mechanisms dissolve it’s fantastic i love not being able to fucking write two fucking scenes and hating the idea of my work and its contents even if I love it dearly because what if it’s Creepy to be horny for the content, when I know damn well no one hate reads it, it’s super sick that it’s really fucking cold out and I’m mildly freaked by getting catcalled when I was walking by the one park I can walk to, it’s so cool how I have no coping mechanisms for feeling godawful and my meds don’t work it’s great

[lukasagitta]

Why are my nightmares so graphic and creative

[exospherethoughts]

This is getting so ridiculously meta. I got hit by a wave of "everything needs to be cleaned" this morning and didn't even bother trying to fight it this time, so I'm in the middle of doing laundry and washing the sheets, I've deep cleaned my bathroom, I did the dishes, washed some countertops, dusted a few things off, cleared out one corner of a shelf, and am currently resisting the need to deep clean my fridge. But I probably will when I'm done writing this, let's be real.

Once I started cleaning, my mind began to wander (it was already wandering but once I'm in the zone with some task then I get extra lost in my head and totally disconnect from the real world). And it started going down rabbit holes wondering if you were annoyed by how much I talked during our call this morning, questioning if you really wanted to talk to me or if you only agreed to avoid dealing with me pestering you about it, or if you really want to be close friends, or if I was too irritating, or if you wanted to leave the call earlier, and so on. But then I started thinking about how all of that stuff could be OCD-related intrusive thoughts (if I do actually have OCD), especially because I keep having these insanely strong urges to text you and ask all my questions because my mind thinks that having answers and certainty will relieve the anxiety, but I (try to) stop myself because I used to do that with my ex all the time and it was awful for him, and because it's unfair to you, and because I know that it won't help in the long run because no matter how often I get reassurance, the thoughts always creep back in soon after. They don't listen to logic. It's exhausting.

And then that got me thinking about if I really have OCD or not, and I started playing out hypothetical scenarios in my head of how I'll bring it up with my therapist when I see her this week, but then I started thinking that I'm acronym-hunting and that I don't actually have OCD and that I need to chill out with trying to slap so many labels on myself because there's no way I have so many different ones, but that made me think about my need to organize everything. Literally everything.

I'm constantly anxious and the only way my brain thinks I can escape it is to have everything lined up and in boxes and neat and clean and organized. The only way I can be calm in my room is for it to be extremely clean and to have minimal clutter-- so I get these episodes of over-cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of my belongings. The only way I can be calm in my own body is for it to be clean and feel "right"-- so I find myself needing to shower and scrub my skin and hair until it hurts and pick at my face and wear clean comfortable clothing. Every time I look at or think about my photo library on my phone, I start to get anxious because the photos aren't all in categorized albums, there's photos that I don't need or want and should be deleted to clean out clutter, but there's 12,000+ photos so I haven't ever gotten through all of them when I start to categorize them and clear them out. If I go to my music library or even just think about it, I start to get anxious, because not all my music is in proper playlists, and the playlists I do have are incomplete, and I don't have a playlist for every mood and category that I want, and my music library contains music I don't really listen to that I should get rid of, and so I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to organize it but never finish because there is *so much to do* to complete it and so I'm always anxious about my music library. Not everything in my room has a proper place for it to go and it drives me up the wall, I get panic attacks just looking around my room sometimes, and I've never managed to declutter enough to make it stop. I get anxious about forgetting things and start worrying about my memory and how little I know and how stupid I am and then want to make lists of things I know or learn and have neat little categorized places for all of it. I get urges to organize everything into extremely rigid routines: what I eat (I want to make lists of possible dinners and smoothies and snacks so that I have to choose from those lists), how I feel (I track my feelings in an app several times a day and often end up doubting if I'm accurately recording my emotions and then go into a spiral about that), my files on my computer (declutter and categorize!!!), even my memories (I keep wanting to journal about absolutely every detail of every day so I don't forget anything but ultimately the depression wins over and I don't have the energy to do it, but then I fall into spirals of panic about losing time and forgetting memories). If what I'm wearing doesn't feel right then I need to keep changing until it does, otherwise I feel anxious all day, and there's zero logic behind what is "right" every day, it keeps changing without rhyme or reason.

What I've read about OCD says that a lot of it is rooted in the fundamental need for certainty, despite everything in life being uncertain, and that set off alarms in my head because my psychiatrist specifically tried to lecture me about how everything in life is uncertain after I explained the symptoms that made me think I might have OCD. Like yes, I know logically I cannot be certain about things, but my brain doesn't care about the logic! It makes me anxious and panicky anyways! I know a lot of the actions/behaviours I'm engaging in are irrational or won't, by any form of logic, actually fix anything I worry about or fixate on, but I feel the need to do them anyways, and it is breaking me because I am a logical person and it makes no bloody sense. It's like my mind desperately needs to get rid of uncertainty and it won't listen to any logic. And that's where it gets really meta: I even want to find certainty about myself. I don't really know who I am or how people perceive me, so I go into these huge spirals about my identity and how I come across in social settings, and that makes me extremely anxious, so then I have urges to ask people questions about me or say leading comments (like asking what vibes I give off, making jokes with leading content to try and fish for information from people about their perception of me, asking people what their first impressions of me were, asking how much of an open book I seem to be, asking about quirks they've noticed, etc etc etc). Whenever I get hyperfixated on my identity and behaviour, I have this intense need to figure out every detail about myself and want to do long questionnaires or make lists of information about myself like a clinical autobiography or write down things I know or make lists of habits and quirks I notice I have, etc etc etc. And along with that, I keep getting urges to figure out how my brain works, and the only way to alleviate the anxiety is to go down research rabbit holes about different mental illnesses and question whether my diagnoses are correct or if they missed something or misdiagnosed something and then I think I shouldn't ask about OCD because it's just me getting way too hyperfixated on figuring out myself, but that behaviour in and of itself is something people with OCD sometimes do! It's meta and it's turned into this positive feedback loop that is just making me more and more anxious and my brain will not shut up.

Time to go clean more stuff so I can breathe just a little bit easier. I'm so ashamed of how my mind works, I feel like I'm crazy and irrational and whiny and I'm pretty much 100% certain there is no way anybody will ever be able to love me for the mess I am. I'll always have to filter out the majority of what happens in my head, I'll always have to force myself to talk less about things I care about or enjoy, I'll always have to lie about how I'm doing, I'll always have to hold back parts of me. I don't know how to change things that are so fundamentally part of me, I've been trying to my entire life without much success, and it kills me. I wish I could flip a switch and just be sane and likeable enough to find one person who I can be fully honest and open with, who I also like and trust. But that's never going to happen, not as long as I'm me.

[parrrty-poison]

the "seen" feature on messages was literally invented to torment mentally ill people, i want to fistfight whoever came up with it

[alxclaremont]

i may, or may not, have fucked up

[trans-estinien]

Sometimes I wish Koda stuck in my brain like Eleutherios did. But also I'm having a blast over here in my little unsundered azem au corner so.

[romihearts]

food delivery (grab) driver! kinich x reader

a/n: this is a stupid ramble thing to save my fried brain from exams aaauuuuueueaaagghhh this is also not proofread + im basing this off a delivery service in my country called grab

the bright light from your tv screen had been your only source of warmth these past hours. you were lazing around in your dark room, scrolling on your phone for any type of entertainment other than the gameshow presented on the tv. pending assignments long gone, you'd rather just worry about them tomorrow morning.

you didn't realize how late it exactly was, (it was 3 am) but something you did know was that you were hungry. not having any energy to really look for any open shops, you opted for online delivery. doubting that you'd really have a chance for finding food so late in the night, it didn't hurt to try.

opening the app, you scrolled for any shop available. you found one, it served [desired food here] at a decent price point. it even surprised you that they were still serving food at this late of an hour. nonetheless, you weren't really complaining. choosing your desired meals, you pressed 'order' and patiently waited for your food.

after 35 minutes are so a notification popped up on your screen that your food was now there, right infront of your home. quickly fixing yourself, you immediately head out.

the dark yet alluring night sky hid majority of the other houses. yet you could clearly see a distinct man and the motorcycle, holding what seems to be your food. the man looks around, then he spots you. you walked towards him with groggy eyes due to the prolonged light exposure from your electronics.

despite the dimness of night, the streetlights provided some light. from which you were finally able to see who was delivering your food.

the man had black hair, quite lucious too. he wore a bandana of the company's color: green. and despite the usual get-up of delivery drivers, he had a compression (is that what you call it?) shirt on with loose sage sweatpants. even though it was simply the weak streetlight shining below the both of you, you were immediately encapsulated by his image. what the fuck your delivery driver had you entranced ????

his voice called out, breaking you from your thoughts. "This is yours, I presume? Its [place price here]." you immediately scurried to get and give your money, thinking that you've already embarrassed yourself by staring.

the fact that there was barely any light was irritating. you couldn't find the needed coins to finally pay your driver who's been observing you for the past minute or so. with even more pressure, you hurried to find it and alas, you did! finally being able to pay him, you hand him your money while he hands you your food.

"took a bit there." the man commented. you wanted to simply melt to the floor from embarassment, but you first needed to apologize for his time. the man looked at you with a stoic expression before saying that it was just a 'joke'. he had a weird sense of humore it seemed.

the delivery driver finally set off, and you were now headed back to your place. while walking, you checked the paper bag and noticed some writing on it: "xx-xxx-xxx - ur delivery driver, kinich. call me."

[adverbally]

Promise Me Just One More Night

Written for the @steddieangstyaugust prompt “‘Please, stay?’” | wc: 1,248 | rated: M | cw: references to sexual content | tags: established relationship, moving away, last night together, hopeful ending | title from “If You Leave” by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

———

It feels a little pathetic, how quickly Steve gives in and begs. They’re both lying in Steve’s bed, still breathing heavily, damp with sweat and come (and maybe some tears), and he can’t stop thinking that this might be the last time he gets to touch Eddie like this. He whispers, “Please, stay?” without lifting his head from Eddie’s chest, too cowardly to look him in the eye.

“Steve,” Eddie sighs, like he’s about to explain again. Like Steve is just some little kid who doesn’t understand that sometimes people have to go away.

Steve knows damn well that nobody is going to stick around for him. He accepted that a long time ago. But Eddie had wormed his way into his heart over the summer and it made him start to think that maybe, just this once, someone would want to stay.

“Sorry, it’s stupid, forget I said anything,” Steve mumbles into Eddie’s skin. He keeps his gaze fixed on the tattoo just in front of his face, memorizing it like he’s tried to memorize every inch of Eddie in the past week.

Eddie slides a hand into Steve’s hair, carding through the strands with a tenderness they hardly had any time to explore. It sounds like an apology when he says, “You know why I have to go.”

He does, but that doesn’t stop the tears from burning in his eyes. “Yeah, but California?” His voice cracks a little. “That’s, like, as far as you can get without leaving the country.”

“Wayne’s got some friends out there who have a job for him. For both of us.”

“There are closer jobs. Like, in Ohio,” Steve grumbles. He’s probably proving Eddie right, acting like a child.

Eddie puts on a post British accent. “Alas, Lord Harrington, I need to take the sea air for my health. You know I have such a delicate constitution.”

Steve isn’t completely sure why that sets him off. Maybe it’s the reminder of how close he came to losing Eddie, how Eddie’s still recovering from all the damage the demobats did to him. But it’s probably because that stupid voice is the perfect example of how goofy and dramatic Eddie can be, and that just makes Steve miss him even more.

He’s not even gone yet and Steve already misses him so much he can’t stand it.

Eddie has to feel the tears dripping onto his chest, the shake of Steve’s shoulders where his arm drapes around his back. Steve’s not even being particularly quiet, so he can definitely hear him. But Eddie just holds Steve close and rubs a hand up and down his back while he cries.

“I’m gonna call you, like, every day. You’re gonna get sick of me. Like, the sound of my voice will make you wanna puke,” Eddie croons. The soft lilt of his voice is such a contrast to the words he’s saying that Steve coughs out a laugh despite himself.

“I don’t think you can afford the long distance charges,” he croaks. “Unless this new job is really good.”

“Okay, so you can call me instead,” Eddie says easily.

Steve sniffles. “Maybe I will. Then you’ll get sick of me.”

Eddie squeezes him more tightly and cranes his neck to kiss the top of Steve’s head. “Never gonna happen.”

“Okay. Just make sure you have your own phone in your bedroom so Wayne doesn’t catch you jacking off.”

He laughs so loud it almost hurts Steve’s ears. “You’re really something, Steve,” he says fondly. Steve can hear his smile.

“I love you, too.” The words slip out before Steve’s brain can catch up with his heart, but he doesn’t regret saying them until Eddie freezes beneath him. “You don’t have to say it back or anything,” he rushes to clarify, “but I wanted to tell you while we’re in the same room instead of, like, opposite sides of the country.”

Eddie wiggles until Steve rolls onto the bed next to him. They’re face to face now, so Steve can see the shine in Eddie’s eyes, even in the dark of his bedroom. “Say it again.”

“I love you.” Steve doesn’t hesitate.

His expression goes from tense to almost manic, a huge grin spreading across his face. “I love you, too.”

Eddie is watching him so intently that Steve starts to feel self-conscious. He’s sure his eyes are all red and his hair is messed up from Eddie’s hands and he’s probably making a weird face that’s some previously-unknown combination of joy and heartbreak. And Eddie’s looking at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, like he’s proud to love him and he doesn’t want to leave but he has to and–

Steve is crying again. It’s worse when Eddie can see his face turning splotchy, when Steve can see how Eddie’s eyes go soft and frowny. He tries to solve both of those problems by covering his face with one of his hands, but Eddie catches his wrist and holds it against his chest. Shit, now Steve’s lip is wobbling. He closes his eyes against tears and embarrassment alike.

“Hey. You don't have to look at me but I hope you’ll listen.” Eddie pauses until Steve nods, eyes still squeezed shut. “I love you whether I’m here or in California. I’ll still think about you every day. I’ll wonder what you’re having for lunch and what you’re wearing and what movie you’re gonna pick for movie night with the kids. Yeah, it’s gonna suck that I can’t see you, or touch you, but I don’t just want you for your hot bod. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Steve’s voice is small and watery.

“The kids will keep you busy when school starts and the time will fly by. Maybe you can come visit at Christmas?”

Steve has to open his eyes when Eddie sounds that shy and uncertain. “I’ll visit as much as you want. What’s the next holiday, Arbor Day?”

“I think you mean Labor Day.” Eddie has perfected the art of laughing at Steve with a completely straight face.

“Shut up. Labor Day, National Lobster Day, it doesn’t matter. Any excuse to come see you.” He takes Eddie’s face in his hands and kisses him tenderly.

Eddie’s mouth is wet and red when he pulls away to look at Steve’s alarm clock. He groans. “Wayne wants to leave first thing in the morning.”

“Do you think he’d mind if you spend the night here? I know you’d have to wake up earlier, but–”

“He won’t care.” Eddie nuzzles his nose against Steve’s face. He doesn’t say what they’re both thinking, that this is their last night together for the foreseeable future and they’re gonna make the most of it.

Steve sighs. “Then stay. Please.”

They’re silent while they go about their nightly routines, trading spots in front of the bathroom sink while they brush their teeth and Steve washes his face. They settle back into bed on the sides they naturally claimed weeks ago and pull each other close. The alarm is set for an obscenely early hour and it’s not nearly enough time, but Steve tries not to think about it for now. He just lets Eddie hold him, tells him goodnight and I love you and soaks it in when Eddie says it back.

Maybe once he can be sure all of this Upside Down shit is over, he’ll need a change of scenery. California sounds nice.

[tkdbyumes]

Just a little something my brain conjured up lol... Could be ooc, I haven't been able to read his affinity stories yet

A/n: (name) can be MC or reader (you) lmao, was thinking of bf!sho but could be pre-relationship if you want too!

~

Warm lunch (Shohei Haizono x reader)

It was one of those rare peacefully days you had every now and then. No missions, no shenanigans, just a quiet relaxing break. Although, you had to admit it would have been an ideal lunch time if you had one of Sho's lunch meals. But alas, he had taken the day off today and there was nothing wrong with it. He was open almost every day after all, he deserved to take breaks. And it's not like the food at the cafeteria or store were bad.

But despite closing shop for the day, you had agreed to meet up. Sho had texted you earlier, mentioning he had something to give to you. You had assumed it was something from the professors, probably the latest report needing some fixing? So, once buying yourself lunch, you immediately went straight to your meet up spot.

It wasn't that long of a wait when you heard Sho's voice from behind you, "Wow, I close shop for one day & you're already eating someone else's cooking? What a cheater..."

"Wha-! You literally said it yourself, you're not selling today! Did you expect me to starve myself?", you retorted, despite knowing he was just teasing. Especially with that smug smirk of his, you knew he didn't mean it.

"I was expecting you to wait for me. I texted you didn't I?"

You watched as he casually sat next to you, two lunch boxes neatly placed on the table in front of you.

"You didn't say anything about bringing me lunch..."

"I said I had something to give you"

"You didn't mention it was food! I thought it was a report or something from the professors!"

"Excuses. Now put that away and eat this before it gets cold"

Your intentions of talking back was immediately forgotten as soon as Sho opened the lunch boxes. The aromatic smell of his cooking instantly making your stomach rumble.

You didn't need to look at him to know he had a triumph look on his face at your silence, or your compliance when he handed you the utensils.

You'll argue with him later...

~

((i just think it's cute if bf!sho still cooks food for you (lunch at least) even when he closes up shop...can literally imagine him preparing you lunch boxes when married-))

[augiewrites]

"secret admirer" - dead poets society (part 5)

summary: y/n receives a curious invitation from meeks and has a surprise encounter with neil and todd

pairing: anonymous!dead poet x gender neutral reader

word count: 1.2k

previous | next

It was finally Friday, and Y/N was looking forward to spending the weekend recovering from a week of non-stop exams, cramming, and a nonexistent sleep schedule. The morning’s classes had been a drag so far, and they were looking forward to the reprieve of Keating’s class. Knowing they'd be in close proximity to their admirer aside, Keating’s class gave them an opportunity to activate another part of their brain—one concerned less with grades and formulas.

No, this part was more concerned with matters of feeling. Matters of love, art, expression—everything crucial to finding true meaning in life.

Meaning.

Something that Y/N’s life—and the students of Welton’s lives—was severely lacking.

Y/N shoved the existential crisis to the back of their mind, shooting Todd a smile as he occupied the desk at the front of the class.

Their desk compartment was empty aside from their textbook and notes. Y/N felt their heart drop. It had been empty for days.

Did I make a mistake leaving that poem?

Y/N did their best to not look disappointed. The only thing more embarrassing than their poet’s lack of response was the thought of him observing their discontent.

Keating’s class didn't give them much reprieve that day.

_________________________________________ 

Against their better judgment, Y/N found themselves in the library during common hour. In all truth, Y/N just wanted to go back to their dorm and bang their head against the wall until they fell asleep. Alas, the expectation of a 4.0 GPA was looming over their head.

Thankfully, Meeks was the only other person to show up. Y/N didn't think they had the strength to deal with Dalton.

“So are you just going to keep side eyeing me, or do you have something to say?” Y/N set down their pencil and turned to face Meeks.

“Y/N, you've sighed three times within the last minute,” Meeks quipped, "seems like you're the one with something to say."

“But I'm right, though. You have something you want to say."

“I'll share with the class if you will.”

The two stared at each other for a moment—Meeks' expression much lighter compared to Y/N’s frustrated features.

Y/N gave in first.

“I’m tired, Meeks."

“Of?..."

“Everything.”

“You’re going to have to give me a little more here, Y/N.”

“…”

"I'm waiting."

“My GPA dropped to a 3.7," Y/N’s gaze was fixed to the table, “my parents are not happy. I feel like all I ever do is try, but it's not enough, and it never will be. My social life is practically nonexistent, I don't remember the last time I had fun, and I can feel my spirit dying. Some days it feels like I'm dying."

“You’re more than your grades, Y/N. You have to know that."

“I know that, Meeks. They don't,” Y/N let out a bitter laugh, “they ship me off to this prison, don't let me come home for breaks, and they call me maybe twice a semester if I'm lucky. They see my grades more than they ever see me."

Meeks was silent for a beat as Y/N cradled their head in their hands.

“Tomorrow night. Meet me outside the East wing at 10PM.”

“Meeks, what are you—“

“Just trust me. If you care about your spirit, anyway."

“Fine,” Y/N began packing their bag and stood up, nodding absentmindedly, "yeah, okay."

Because everything was cosmically determined to go wrong, Y/N crashed into Charlie as they rounded the corner out of the library. Their armload of textbooks crashed to the floor.

“Don’t you know to look both ways before crossing the street?" Charlie joked as he knelt to pick up Y/N’s books.

Y/N kept their head down as they gathered the mess of note paper that exploded out of their trig book.

“I mean, really, Y/N. If you want to feel me up you don't need to be so aggressive about it—“

Charlie’s sly smile melted into concern when he noticed the tears in Y/N’s eyes.

"Hey, are you okay, Y/N?” Charlie passed the books to Y/N and placed a gentle hand on their upper am.

Y/N gave the boy a tight lipped smile and stepped away from his touch.

“I'm fine, Dalton," Y/N was already moving down the hall.

“Y/N—“

“If you're looking for Meeks, he's still in there."

Y/N disappeared around the corner, leaving Charlie staring at the space they just occupied.

_________________________________________

Y/N wasn’t one for skipping class, but it was the last period of the day and Y/N thought their head would explode if they didn’t get away from everyone as soon as possible.

They triple checked that the hallway was empty before rushing into the storage room filled with students’ empty luggage.

But the room wasn’t unoccupied like they expected.

Neil Perry and Todd Anderson were in the middle of the room, locked in a gentle embrace.

They jumped apart when they heard Y/N’s soft sound of surprise, and the trio looked at each other in shock for a beat.

“We were just—” Neil took a step away from Todd before the other boy cut him off, surprising everyone, seemingly including himself.

“We’re together.”

They all stared at each other for another moment before Neil stepped forward again.

“You can’t tell anyone, Y/N.”

“I won’t,” Y/N blinked, suddenly coming alive again, “I would never.”

Relief washed over the two boys. Todd was more red than Y/N thought was humanly possible.

“Okay, I’m just gonna,” Y/N took a step back and jerked a thumb over their shoulder at the door, “go…”

They turned quickly to leave.

“Y/N.” Neil’s hand enclosed their wrist as they reached for the doorknob.

They looked up into Neil’s soft gaze, a faint smile on his face, “thank you.”

“Of course,” they returned the smile and waved to Todd as they slipped out the door, rushing to their dorm to avoid being caught for truancy.

_________________________________________

Y/N had been laying in bed for all of fifteen minutes before they heard the familiar sound of paper sliding under the door.

They were out of bed and rushing to open the door before they could think twice. Truancy be damned.

The empty hallway mocked Y/N.

Frustrated tears welled in their eyes as they slammed the door and grabbed the envelope off the floor before ripping it open.

Beloved Y/N,

In your eyes, a storm silently brews, Emotional tempest, tears it strews. I stand close, a silent observer, Love entangled in your pain, a fervent preserver.

Your hurt, a whisper in the quiet air, A shared burden, a weight to bear. In the shadows, love stands strong, A balm for wounds, a solace lifelong.

In the heart's tempest, emotions entwine, Love persists, a steadfast lifeline. I may not heal all that pains your soul, But together, in love, we find a way to be whole.

x, Yours.

Y/N let the tears flow freely as they sunk down onto the bed.

They were certain of who wasn’t their poet, but they were in denial about who it could be.

~~~

part six

a/n: any reality where neil and todd aren't in love is a crime against nature

taglist: @vvnbxz @edb954

[pupyuj]

→ “temporary fix.” || yoon seeun x reader fic.

— being friends with yoon seeun means doing whatever it takes to help her forget that the fact that her ex has become significantly happier without her, so you give her exactly what she needs...

word count: 3.5k.

dynamic: dom!bottom!yoon seeun x sub!top!virgin!reader.

content warnings: smut, fingering, nipple play, a bit of hair pulling, this is surprisingly very tame despite the image i had for it initially oh—

requested? : nope.

a/n: my first stayc fic <3 i enjoyed making this, and i hope you guys like it! sorry if there are major errors!! i was really hoping i finished this way earlier but alas... life 🥲 anyway this is just one of my many gifts for you for getting this blog to reach 1k!! you're all amazing n i love you and i'll see you guys in the next fics and the [REDACTED] hehehe 👀

“she has to be doing this on purpose at this point.”

you say, as your best friend seeun stares bitterly at her ex-girlfriend from far away. chaeyoung sat on the poolside with her ankles in the water and she was laughing loudly at whatever the hell her other friends were doing in the pool. there was some kind of longing in seeun’s eyes and you knew what it meant, it was easy to figure out after all. seeun missed chaeyoung, and deeply regrets leaving her for a reason she has yet to disclose with you still. even after two years of the break-up in question.

“i mean, come on! this is the fourth party where she was ‘coincidentally’ invited to along with her ex—you.” 

you do try to desperately cheer seeun up. you have never once liked seeing her in despair. but something about seeing chaeyoung smiling that widely, shining that brightly, and laughing that loudly does something to seeun’s brain. and it was always nothing good. either this night will end with seeun crying in your arms about how heartbroken she is for hurting chaeyoung the way she did, or neither of you will speak about the event and just sit solemnly on her bed eating pizza and drinking homemade smoothies while a movie plays in the background.

you hope that it will be something different tonight. maybe seeun will be smiling for once! you wanted her and chaeyoung to completely end things on good terms. you knew seeun wasn’t in love with chaeyoung because she had said so many times before, but before they were girlfriends, they were friends. and you knew that it was that them not being able to rekindle their friendship after their break-up was the real reason why seeun always gets so upset whenever she sees chaeyoung.

jayoon, one of chaeyoung’s friends, looks across the pool and meets gazes with seeun, who visibly freezes up. jayoon grins and waves at seeun excitedly, making the other girls as well as chaeyoung turn their heads in curiosity. sumin and yeeun wave at seeun as well, while sieun was rather surprised to see seeun being in the same place as chaeyoung. speaking of which, chaeyoung herself stared at seeun. the latter was convinced that her ex was going to look away, or look at her in disgust or something along those emotions but… chaeyoung smiled softly at her.

kind as ever. and fuck, seeun wanted to cry.

“(y/n)... can we leave?”

you looked at chaeyoung and your best friend back and forth, unsure of what to do.

“are you sure…? what if yujinnie looks for you—”

“i need to go, (y/n),” seeun pries her gaze away from chaeyoung. her eyes were brimming with tears and she grabbed your wrist tightly. “please. i can’t be in here.” seeun puts her head on your shoulder as her tears fall and conveniently, a crowd forms in front of the two of you, effectively hiding her from chaeyoung’s view.

“okay… let’s go.”

seeun wipes her tears away with the back of her hand and smiles at some passing stranger briefly before pulling you towards the front door. she bids goodbye to everybody like normal, expressing faux regrets and even using you ‘not feeling well enough to stay’ as an excuse. you play along of course, you would gladly drop anything for your best friend. yujin was pretty sad that her favorite people had to leave, but she was pretty pre-occupied with stopping a drunken jiwon and gaeul from doing keg stands to really care so she merely waved goodbye before the two of you disappeared behind the front door.

seeun wordlessly climbs into your passenger seat, strapping on the seatbelt and leaning back. you couldn’t read her expression, and it was scary. you decided not to ask about it, however, and pulled out of yujin’s driveway before driving away. seeun had your denim jacket covering her thighs from the chill, and she was looking out the window—no doubt there were a million thoughts going through her head at the moment. thoughts you hoped she would find to share with you so you could take care of her.

like the good best friend that you were, and always have been.

“where are we going, (y/n)?” seeun asks eventually, now looking a bit annoyed as she scans the houses outside.

“huh? i’m taking you to your house.”

seeun looks at you like you’ve lost your mind, “what? no. i want to go to your place tonight.”

“oh… okay.”

you drove past seeun’s house and at the same time, seeun decided to pull out her phone. most likely to text one of her parents that she wasn’t going to come home. it was a normal occurrence, anyway. seeun’s parents originally didn’t like sending their kid off to sleep at another person’s place—a stranger at that!—but you gained their trust eventually… and soon enough, a young yoon seeun found herself staying over your place twice every week.

nowadays, seeun doesn’t even have to tell her parents anything. they know she is always under your care.

“did you want to eat anything?” you asked as the two of you entered your house. it was dark and quiet, but not the kind that scared you. seeun shook her head as she slipped out of her sneakers, then she stood properly, staring as you placed your car and house keys on the key hooks by the door.

“what?” you said. seeun looked at you with wonder in her eyes, then she merely smiles at you before making her way towards your room. the final glance she sends you before she completely disppeared behind a corner made your heart skip a beat, as much as you didn’t want it to.

you followed seeun to your bedroom, where was already digging through her own drawer for some fresh set of clothes. you decided to collapse on your bean bag chair, sighing blissfully at the feeling of being in the comfort of your own bedroom. seeun goes to your bathroom with some clothes in hand, barely closing the door behind her. sure, seeun said she didn’t want anything to eat when you asked her earlier, but you knew she would be grumbling about being hungry after about thirty minutes of laying silently on the bed with you, so you decided to go on your phone to browse some good food to order.

“are we watching a movie tonight, seeun?” you asked as you scrolled through your phone.

“up to you.” seeun replied.

you sighed, looking at your black tv screen. “i do not want to…” you muttered, now finding it too much of a hassle to look for food to eat and a movie to watch. you decided to melt further in your bean bag chair, blinking away your fatigue until seeun came back out of the bathroom, ruffling her soft hair as she held her neatly folded party clothes in her arms.

“freshen up, sleepyhead.” seeun took your hand and pulled you up with much difficulty. seeun didn’t really think about how close the two of you would be, physically of course, before she pulled you up to your feet. right now, she could feel your breath on her face and your warmth on her skin—it all gave her goosebumps. seeun raises a hand and brushes a few stray hairs away from your face and… is she blushing?

“g-give me a minute.” you slipped past your best friend, grabbed a random combination of your usual sleepwear and disappeared insde the bathroom. your cheeks felt so hot, and your heart was beating erratically. what the fuck. you were afraid this would happen tonight. again.

truth to be told, lately you have been feeling a few things towards your very own best friend. you tsrtaed to find her prettier than normal, and sometimes you can’t even look or speak to her without your brain screaming at you like crazy. but you didn’t want to acknowledge it. you managed to convince yourself that you were just so terribly lonely that your heart has decided to ‘settle’ for your best friend. first of all, that was unacceptable considering seeun was hurting because of her ex-girlfriend! second, you knew seeun wouldn’t see you in that way, so why would you even bother?

and third, perhaps most importantly, one does not try to get into a romantic relationship with their best friend unless they want their heart to suffer the most gut-wrenching heartbreak ever. you cherished your heart too much to let yourself be hurt like that, so seeun? absolutely off limits!!

“i thought you said you didn’t wanna watch anything?” you teased as you walked out of the bathroom in some shorts and one of your big shirts. seeun was sitting on your bed, eyes glued to your tv screen as ‘clueless’ played.

“i had to find something to entertain me while you were taking your sweet time in there.” seeun pats the big empty space on your bed, beckoning you over. you settled beside her, relishing in the mingling feeling of your cold bed and your best friend’s warmth. seeun was closer to you than usual, or maybe you were overexaggerating… but then seeun hugs your arm, putting her chin on your shoulder… and with her lips so close to your skin, you couldn’t help but shiver.

“sorry i ruined your night. i know you wanted to be in that party,” seeun fidgeted with the hem of your shirt. “because of wonyoung, right? you guys have something, don’t you?” your best friend asked. she didn’t have to, though. she watched you develop this big stupid crush on the campus princess over the past few months, and she knew that she was the reason you were holding yourself back from fully committing all of your attention to the other girl.

seeun needed you, her best friend, especially at this time of her life.

“no, don’t worry about it. i’d rather be here, honestly. my head was starting to hurt.” you smiled at your best friend, surprising yourself by the close proximity. the tip of seeun’s nose nearly touched yours, making your breath hitch. it didn’t go unnoticed by seeun, of course, and her eyes flicker down to your lips.

your heart was hammering in your chest—this was really going to happen, isn’t it?

“thank you for being so willing to get me out of there. away from chaeyoung,” seeun whispered. a cold hand slips underneath your shirt, resting on your waist, and your best friend presses herseld up against you even more. an overly-sweet side hug, you were convinced.

that was until seeun climbed onto your lap, wrapping her arms around your neck and pulling you even closer as if that was possible.

“you’ll help me heal from her, right, (y/n)? even just for one night?” seeun asked. of course you weren’t stupid, you knew what she was implying.

a part of you wanted to resist. seeun was your best friend. surely everything will change if the two of you were to go through with this, right? and you didn’t want anything like that to happen between the two of you. but how could you resist? especially when seeun brushes your hair back, cradles your face in her hands, and runs her thumb across your lips so gently? and how could you even think of pushing her away when she leans down and kisses you?

how could you stop yourself from melting? warmth bloomed across your chest the longer seeun’s lips were on yours. kissing her was like biting into a cotton candy—it was sweet, so sweet, and you could never get enough. and so you ask for more, and more you do get.

eventually, seeun was laying down on the bed with you on top of her. she was touching and groping as her lips moved expertly in sync with yours. you didn’t know what to do. as much as you liked what you were doing with seeun, you had no idea how to move further from this. so, you pulled back, but not too far as seeun stopped you from doing so by clutching your shirt, trying desperately to pull you back in. “s-seeun… wait, how do i… what do i do?” you were embarrassed to be asking that kind of question in the middle of the act, and even more embarrassed seeing your best friend laugh at you. 

seeun was sweet about it, however. “i’ll help you, don’t worry.”

seeun kisses you again—one hand cupping your cheek and the other softly holding your wrist, guiding your hand all the way down her thighs, sneaking them in between and making you feel her cunt through her shorts. “touch me, (y/n). go on.” seeun whispers against your lips. and so you do—unzipping her jean shorts and slowly slipping your hand inside. you couldn’t believe you were touching your very own best friend’s pussy, and you couldn’t believe she was letting you! christ, she wasn’t just letting you, she was telling you to!

feeling her folds through the fabric of her panties, witnessing the slightest changes on seeun’s features as you did so. “come on… you can do better than that.” seeun said as she slightly bucked her hips into your hands. she was so desperate for your touch that she didn’t care that she looked ridiculous. she could never look like that to you though.

“a-are you sure…?” you just had to ask. seeun smiles softly at you, appreciating your intent but goddamn, she was so impatient that she didn't even reply. merely lifting her hips up and removing her shorts on her own, seeing that you weren’t going to do that anytime soon. you stared at your best friend incredulously as she threw her shorts to the side, all while smirking at your expression.

“still doubting what i want, (y/n)?” this time, seeun pulls off her shirt. she doesn’t let you ogle at her perfect body for too long before she takes your face in her hands and kisses you again. thankfully this time, you knew what to do with yourself, albeit barely. reaching behind seeun’s back and pulling off her bra, letting it fall off to the side on top of her discarded shorts. she tugs on the collar of your shirt, and immediately you took it off, also desperate to feel your best friend’s skin against yours.

“i always thought you were pretty, (y/n).” seeun says, her hands gliding along your back.

“i could say the same thing to you.” you said. you leaned back down, smiling briefly at your best friend before putting your lips on her neck, earning a soft moan. “is this okay?” you whispered against her skin. you only felt seeun nod before she leaned closer, clearly wanting you to continue, and so you do. you nipped and ran your tongue all over her neck until little red spots were blooming. perhaps you went overboard, but hearing seeun moan and softly call out your name as you did it just flipped a switch to your brain.

you couldn’t wait to touch her. to help her. to kiss her. tonight, she was yours. not to the little parts of chaeyoung that remained in her heart, but yours.

and you were going to make every single second of this worth it. for the both of you.

your lips trailed further down seeun’s body, quickly reaching her chest. you looked up at your best friend, searching for any sign of discomfort or uncertainty. there was none, so you proceeded with taking one of seeun’s boobs into your hand, gently squeezing it before wrapping your lips around the hard bud. while swirling your tongue around her nipple, your other hand slowly trailed down her stomach until you reached her panties, pulling it off without a problem and immediately cupping her dripping cunt.

“good job, (y/n)—ah…!” seeun buries her hands in your hair as you move on to her other nipple, giving it the same kind of care and attention as the other one. simultaneously, you pressed your fingers against seeun’s clit, circling it as well as teasing her entrance. “y-you’re not actually completely clueless, are you, baby?” seeun asks, her fingers threading your hair as you continue to pleasure her nipple. you opened your eyes, immediately meeting seeun’s very own soft ones. while you flicked her nipple with your tongue, you slowly inserted two fingers inside her, watching as she threw her head back in pleasure.

“g-good… good..!” seeun’s hold on your hair tightens, and it hurt a bit but you didn’t mind. you feel wrap one leg around your thighs, afraid that if she doesn’t lock you in, you would leave. but there was no way that was going to happen now—especially after you’ve felt just how warm she was inside. you pushed your fingers deeper inside her, rubbing her clit with your thumb in an attempt to soothe her but you didn’t know that it only sent her mind reeling.

you tilted her head, worry settling on your stomach when seeun clutches onto your shoulder a bit too tightly. “seeun?” you stopped your movements, pulling your fingers out and putting your hand on her abdomen to soothe her.

seeun glares at you, “don’t stop, (y/n).”

“i-i just thought—”

“fuck me. don’t think of anything else.”

seeun yanks on your hair and pulls your face up to hers, kissing you roughly. you kissed her back, your hand once again making its way down to her pussy. this time, you didn’t allow yourself to listen to the small voices in your mind that told you that something about all of this was so wrong. your best friend, seeun, was in a vulnerable place and even though she let you, you were taking advantage of it to satisfy your personal interests.

something was telling you to stop. to get yourself in the right state of mind. to tell your best friend that all the things she was doing to forget about chaeyoung, especially this, was wrong. but instead, you plunged your two fingers deep inside seeun, thrusting into her in a pace that made her swear, and moan so loud, and sob into your shoulder.

“ff-fuck…! fuck, (y/n)—more…” seeun wrapped her arms around your neck, completely burying her head hidden from view. you kissed her cheek before doing what she asked, increasing your speed even further and doing your hardest to hit all the right spots. every thrust, every lingering sensations on her clit, and every kiss filled seeun’s mind with only you. as much as it started to hurt now, seeun could only take what you were giving her—just so every remaining image of her ex-girlfriend completely disappears from her mind.

and perhaps that’s exactly what happened when you finally curled your fingers inside her and made her come all over your hand. you were pretty sure that you had multiple bleeding wounds on your back from the way seeun scratched you as she came undone, moaning your name and all.

you stared at seeun—she looked so fucking pretty all fucked out and sweaty. her chest heaved up and down, and she blinked the fatigue away because she knew that from the way you licked your fingers hungrily that you weren’t done with her. but that was all she wanted right now.

“all night, seeun,” you promised her. “if that’s what it’ll take you.”

and indeed, you fucked your best friend all night. seeun never once begged for you to stop. after every orgasm she had, she only asked for more until you knew she couldn’t come anymore. you were pretty sure that the sun had started rising up by the time seeun finally allowed herself to get some rest. you laid yourself down beside her, fixing up her hair as she slowly succumbed into sleep.

you talked yourself through your own worries since seeun wasn’t there to do so. consoling your own heart because you were so fucking terrified that everything wouldn’t be the same after all of this—after everything the two of you did this night.

you were prepared to face the worst when you woke up alone hours later. you expected to be cold, to feel empty inside but it was the exact opposite. when you opened your eyes, you felt warm and your heart was full.

maybe it was because of the fact that your blanket was placed carefully and perfectly so that it would cover your entire body from the cold. maybe it was because your room was illuminated by the beautiful sunlight streaming through your curtains.

or maybe because the first thing you saw after opening your eyes was seeun drying her hair with a towel after exiting your bathroom, looking at you and smiling and saying, “hey, sleepyhead.” ensuring you of the fact that absolutely nothing has changed, and will ever change between the two of you. 

you have never been more happy to willingly ‘make a mistake’.