#idk how to fix that

[radladrobin]

SECRET EXITS

second batch

[elliamarts]

He loves his wife! (Berthas dress almost killed me)

[dazzling-raven]

@dronebiscuitbat

Double art! It was only supposed to be the Tera gif, but then I got inspired by a post from the rp blog.

[superlarva]

"You've got a mustache."

Hey guys! Sorry, my art style is like the least consistent thing on this planet... I just like trying new things out :)

Anyways, continuing on our Rex parenting journey we have Chapter 4 - Pancakes and Apologies.

Prologue: 00 Previous chapter: 03 Next chapter: 05

Summary: Rex gets some news on Echo, pancakes are made, tantrums are thrown.

CW: Implied/referenced child abuse, talk about injuries from landmines (nothing too in depth)

Chapter 4 – Pancakes and Apologies

Rex sunk down into his couch with a sigh, leaning his head against the armrest. Fives had been tucked in and the hallway light was left on. One kid taken care of, one to go.

Rex pulled out his phone and opened a text from Cody: I have some more info. Call me when you’re ready.

The phone only rang once before it was picked up.

“Cody, is he okay?” Rex tried to keep his voice down so he would not wake the boy sleeping in the next room.

“He’s…” Cody trailed off and Rex could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

“What? He’s what?” Don’t say dead. Please, don’t say dead.

“He just got out of surgery. They had to amputate both legs and an arm,” Cody was trying to keep if voice calm and leveled, but the words came out a little choked. “I’m so sorry.”

Rex stared across the living room and into the kitchen, he’d know the boy’s injuries would be bad if he had landed himself in the ICU, but the loss of three limbs? That was too much.

Cody continued, “Echo’s okay for now. He hasn’t woken up yet, so there could still be some complications, but they are optimistic about how the surgery went.”

“Both legs and an arm?” Rex asked, still processing his brother’s statement.

“Yes,” Rex heard Cody take a deep breath on the other side of the line, “He stepped on a landmine.”

“Wh- How?”

“I don’t know. No one told the hospital how it happened either.”

Rex was silent, but his mind screamed.

Screamed in anger.

In sadness.

In pain.

In guilt.

It was his fault. His.

“Rex? You still there?” Cody’s voice cut through the phone.

“Yeah,” Rex said a little absently. “Yeah, I’m still here.”

“Alright,” Cody said, tone laced with worry. “You should get some rest. I’ll text you any developments, but don’t stay up for them.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?”

“I- I’m not sure.”

“Try, okay?”

“I will.”

“I love you, Rex’ika.”

“Love you too, Codes,” Rex dropped the phone from his ear as he disconnected the call.

He rolled onto his side and curled up on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and letting the world melt around him as tears spilled down his cheeks.

Rex woke, panicked from a dream he couldn’t remember and drenched in a cold sweat. From what he could tell it was early morning, the living room was washed in a dim warm light. He was not sure when he had fallen asleep, but he could not have gotten more than four hours.

He reached for his phone on the coffee table and found it, bringing the screen close to his bleary eyes. He had some texts from Cody from around 3 am:

Just found out Kix is Echo’s doctor!

He came into the waiting room to tell me that Echo seems to be responding well to the surgeries.

He’s sleeping now, but he woke up for a bit while I was in there and asked for Fives.

Kix said he thinks you guys should be able to visit today.

Rex felt a surge of relief, Echo was going to be okay. He was going to be alright. Not only that, but Rex had known Kix since he’d been in a group home with him and he knew the boy was in capable hands.

Rex swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting up to type out a reply, thanking his brother profusely.

“M-mister police officer, sir?”

A small voice cut through Rex’s thoughts, and he jerked his head up. Fives stood stiffly on the other side of the coffee table. Rex was taken aback, when had the boy slipped into the room? At least the kid looked like he had slept well, “Yes? And Rex is fine.”

“Would you like me to make you breakfast?”

Rex was initially going to deny the request and insist that he make breakfast for Fives instead, but realized he could not assume Fives was only offering because it was something required of him previously. Perhaps the boy really enjoyed cooking. Rex wouldn’t know so instead he put down his phone and smiled, “Why don’t we make ourselves some breakfast together?”

Fives’s eyes widened a bit before he nodded consent.

Rex stood and stretched, “What should we have? I’ve got eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, cereal, or bread for toast.”

Fives seemed to debate something before looking up at Rex, “What are pancakes?”

“Pancakes?” Rex parroted, a little shocked.

Fives blushed and turned away, muttering a quiet apology.

“No, it’s okay, it’s good to ask questions,” Rex tried to amend quickly. He hurried over to his pantry and grabbed his box of pancake mix, showing the box to the boy, “This is what they look like. They’re really good and you get to put maple syrup on them.”

Fives whipped his head around to Rex at the mention of maple syrup, an excited grin plastered onto his face, “Maple syrup is from Canada.”

“Uh, yeah?” Rex said taken aback by the random fact.

Fives turned back to the pancake box, “Echo had a book about flags. Canada’s is a maple leaf because of all the maple trees there and maple syrup comes from the maple trees.”

“Do you and Echo like to read a lot?” Rex asked.

“Echo does,” Fives said, shoulder’s tensing. “He tried to teach me, but I’m no good.”

Rex didn’t like the boy’s defeated tone, “You know, I didn’t learn how to read until I was a little older than you.”

“Really?” Fives asked. “Because Echo learned when we were little.”

Rex wondered what “little” meant to the boy because in his eyes the twins were still very much just little boys. “Different people learn different things at different times, it’s not a contest.” Rex shrugged, taking the pancake mix from Fives, “Do pancakes sound yummy? They’re one of my favorites.”

Fives nodded, then shrugged, “But I don’t know how to make them.”

“That’s okay,” Rex said grinning. “I can teach you.”

Fives had been a surprisingly competent chef for a seven-year-old boy. He knew how to measure ingredients and pour things without spilling, and, once Rex had helped him up onto the counter, had proved that he could work a stovetop. Rex made sure the boy was aware he was not to be climbing on things or using the stove without permission first.

Rex watched as Fives took his first bite of pancake. The boy chewed slowly and then grinned up at Rex.

“Good?” Rex asked, taking his first bite as well.

Fives nodded enthusiastically and began shoving the rest of the plate into his mouth as fast as he could. He was finished before Rex had swallowed his third bite.

Rex pushed the glass of milk he’d poured the boy closer to him, “milk first, and then you can have more.”

Fives eyed the glass suspiciously before carefully taking it in both hands and downing it, seemingly without stopping for breath. When he put the glass down, he had a little milk mustache. Rex couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“What?” Fives asked, looking down at his plate, searching for whatever was so funny.

“You-” Rex broke out into another chuckle, “You’ve got a mustache.”

“No, I don’t,” Fives said, folding his arms.

“Yes, you do. Go look in the mirror.”

Fives gave Rex a confused look before heading off to the bathroom.

Rex shook his head and finished up his breakfast, smiling to himself.

Fives emerged from the bathroom a minute later with a clean, smiling face.

“It was from the milk,” the boy explained, as if Rex didn’t already know.

Rex nodded as Fives joined him in the kitchen, “Do you want some more pancakes?”

Fives shook his head as he sat back down in his chair, then he looked up a Rex, “Could we bring them for Echo?”

Rex shook his head, giving himself a few seconds to figure out the best way to explain to Fives, “Right now Echo’s in the ICU. Do you know what the ICU is?”

“Like the hospital?”

“Yeah, it’s a part of the hospital where they put the people who need a little extra help to get better. It stands for intensive care unit.”

“Is he going to die?” Fives had clearly picked up on the fact that someone already in the hospital needing extra help was bad. His voice was so small.

“We think he got through the worst part. He woke up last night and asked for you, which is a really good sign, but we can’t bring him anything from outside the hospital because he had to have some really big surgeries and we don’t want him to get infected.”

“Oh,” Fives’s eyes darted back and forth before they made their way back to Rex’s. “Can- can we still-? Are we allowed to see him?”

Rex nodded, “We can head on over after we get dressed and brush our teeth.”

Fives jumped up out of his chair in excitement and made a beeline for Rex’s bedroom. Rex marveled in the boy’s ability to switch his emotions so quickly, and his inability to hide any of them.

As Fives got dressed, Rex washed all the dishes as quickly as he could so he wouldn’t have to keep the boy waiting for long. Not surprisingly, Fives finished getting ready before Rex put the last dish on the drying rack. The boy bounded into the kitchen, bouncing on his toes and grinning.

Rex couldn’t help but match his grin, “Alright, get your shoes and coat on while I get dressed.”

Fives nodded and hopped over to the entry way where his tiny set of shoes sat next to Rex’s boots.

Rex threw on his clothes and swished some mouthwash around in his mouth (brushing took too long) before joining Fives in the entry way. The boy was practically exploding with energy and Rex had to tell him multiple times that his shoes were on the wrong feet before he stopped jumping up and down and sat so Rex could fix them.

As soon as they got onto the road Fives asked how long it would take to get to Echo, and not wanting the entire 45 minute car ride to consist of 45 “are we there yet?”s, Rex made Fives his navigator. He knew the way to Kamino General well enough that he would tell Fives to remind him to turn right when they got to the next intersection or get off the highway when he saw a green sign with the number 79 on it. It kept the boy surprisingly occupied as he seemed to take his role very seriously.

As they neared the hospital and sat waiting in city traffic, Rex glanced at Fives in the mirror, “Fives, there’s something I need to tell you about Echo before we see him.”

Fives twisted forward to look at Rex from his position analyzing the city outside his window.

“He got really hurt and he- his-” Rex started to explain, struggling to find the right words.

“His legs were gone,” Fives interrupted, eyes wide.

Rex stared at the boy in his mirror, “You saw?”

Fives nodded, “Yes.”

“I’m sorry,” Rex didn’t know what else to say.

Fives shrugged, “Green light.”

“Huh?” Rex gaped before he realized what Fives was referring to as the car behind him honked, “Shi-oot!”

Rex slammed on the gas and turned into the hospital’s visitor parking lot, “Sorry about that.”

“S’okay,” Fives mumbled. Then his head shot up with excitement, “Are we here?”

“Yep,” Rex said, pulling into a spot.

Before Rex came to a complete stop, Fives unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door, ready to leap out. Rex stomped on the breaks and lunged back to grab the boy’s wrist, lest he fall out of the car, “Fives!”

The boy yelped as Rex dragged him back away from the door.

“No!” Rex yanked the boy towards his face, “No. You do not get out of the car until it’s stopped moving! Do you understand?”

“I’m s-sorry,” Fives stared at Rex, face going pale.

“Do you understand?”

Fives tried to yank his arm away, but Rex had him in an iron grip.

“Do. You. Understand?”

Fives’s tiny fist came up from where it was clenched at his side and struck Rex on the cheek. Rex was so surprised he almost let go of the boy as Fives began screaming “sorry” repeatedly, flailed his captive wrist around, trying to bash Rex’s hand down into the console, and used his free hand to hit Rex’s arm with as much force as he was capable of.

Rex caught Fives’s other arm to prevent any further damage to either of them and held him still while he struggled. Even though Fives’s eyes were screwed shut, Rex tried to soften his expression from the angry one he was sure it held a few moments earlier to one as neutral as possible.

Eventually Fives’s struggles grew weaker, and his apologies died down to a faint whisper. Rex realized the boy was crying, tears leaking out the corners of his shut lids.

“Fives?” Rex said softly, loosening his grip on the boy so if he wanted to remove his arms he could.

Fives opened his eyes and tears gushed down his cheeks, “’m ssssorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m not mad, see?” Rex held up his hands.

Fives stared up at Rex with big watery eyes before slowly reaching out one of his own hands and placing it against Rex’s opposing palm.

Rex curled down his fingers so his hand enveloped Fives’s, “Are you okay?”

In response Fives pulled his and Rex’s hand towards his chest.

“Hug?” Rex asked, remembering last night.

“Please?”

“Alright, come here,” Rex said, hoisting the boy up over the console and into his lap.

Fives held Rex’s hand to his chest as Rex held him to his and they sat just breathing in silence together until Fives shifted to look up at Rex, “Are- are you very mad at me?”

Rex squeezed Fives a little tighter and smiled sadly, “I’m not very mad at you.”

They sat together for a few more moments and this time it was Rex who broke the silence, “Can I explain why I got upset?”

Rex felt Fives nod against his chest.

“Cars can be very dangerous if we aren’t careful in them or around them,” He felt Fives nod in understanding and continued, “One of the rules when you’re in the car is that you always keep your seatbelt on and you never open the door unless we are parked in a driveway or in a parking lot, does that make sense?”

Again, Rex felt Fives nod against him.

He continued, “When you opened the door, I was scared that you might get hurt, so I got upset. But I was more upset that you might get hurt than I was upset at you.” Rex rubbed Fives’s arm, “I’m sorry for yelling at you and for grabbing you.”

“I’m sorry, too. For- for breaking the rules.”

“It’s alright. You were excited, I get it. But next time we don’t jump out of moving cars.”

Fives nodded, sniffling.

Rex grabbed a tissue and handed it to the boy, “Ready to go see Echo?”

Fives smiled, blowing into the tissue, “Ready.”

@marierg @stressed-cherry @ffdemon @renton6echo @bambambunny @tearfulsolace @rndmpeep @brokenphoenix99 @xylionet @tazmbc1

[tsundcku]

[chaosduckies]

What do you use for your writing?

I use google docs! Though sometimes it does mess up since it likes to autocorrect things for some reason add on words I didn’t want-

Really simple and all I have to do is copy and paste on here! if you were talking about what I write on, it’s my laptop! (I just bought a new one and the battery life is amazing)

thank you for the ask anon!

[pyrrhicpoison]

bee doodles, dropping and running 🏃🏻 💨

[qpjat076]

actual serious thoughts™ on the Acolyte

Spoilers. obviously. under the cut tho because i'm sweet like that. also it's a bit of an essay.

I loved this show. I LOVED. this show. It had some ups and downs, but I really hope it gets renewed for another season. I was NOT expecting it to end so. . . open ended? I'm glad it did though.

Dividing my thoughts on this into PLOT and PRODUCTION. We will start with the PLOT:

The ending was perfect. The full circle of Sol and the crew spreading a horrible lie only to then be tainted in his death through a second lie is just so poetic. I was losing it, it was flawless and amazing storytelling. It seems SO in character for Master Vernestra seeing as I doubt the council or anyone knew of Quimir going all evil. . . I bet she told them his "death" was an accident. she doesn't seem at ALL like the kind of person to air her own failures loudly, and she'd see his betrayal as a personal failure. Or, if not, she she would fear (her first mistake) that the council would see his betrayal as her failure. Pride is always the fall of Jedi, we've seen it time and time again (because being prideful is the easiest way to let fear take control of your life). Anyway, 11/10 for that plot point being resolved.

for real though, there was NO WAY they were going to resolve every single plot thread they'd laid out across this show in one 40-minute episode. it would have been too crammed. nothing would feel satisfying. leaving a decent amount of food for thought was definitely the right move, so they could focus on the plot at hand (Osha, Mae, Sol, Quimir). and they've left me wanting more. if disney is so committed to the 8-ep bit they've got going (sans Andor for some beautiful reason), then this was the best way to get the extra episodes needed to address everything. I WANT MORE.

I want a whole season focusing on Quimir and his relationship to Vernestra. I WANT THAT TEA. How did Quimir get to Brendock? What was Vernestra's breaking point, or what was Quimir's? I want to know how the hell this all plays in to Plaguis. WHY IS HE THERE?!?! Are he and Quimir working together? if so, was Quimir Plaguis's padawan, and is Quimir now trying to usurp him? If so. . . then we know how that ends and that would be a helluva way to go about telling us a story (affectionate, star wars is at its best when its killing characters I love fr)

Speaking of Plaguis. . . HOOOOOOO BUDDY i was not just expecting his lil jumpscare and then NOTHING ELSE. I was down for it. I figured he'd be a part of it. I was whooping and *insert DiCaproio pointing meme here* at the screen, I was EXCITED to see him. and honestly I love that he just. . . wasn't elaborated upon any further. He didn't NEED to, because they're setting us up for more. I WANT more. I didn't, however, feel as good about the Yoda tease. . . i mean I WAS wondering where he was during all of this so it kinda worked? but also. that whole scene played out more like a marvel end credits "ooooh, what nostalgia character is comin back next?" kind of deal. moreso than plaguis bc like. . . i've never seen plaguis before. i know very little about him as only a movie/tv show watcher. but I've seen Yoda a thousand times, so the effect is lessened. Yoda IS needed to the story so I know why he's here, and I am interested to see him more in his earlier prime (and less cgi please lord don't do him dirty a second time). but it could've been a liiiiiittle smoother.

last thought: while sol's death was a little telegraphed (honestly, i wish Osha just saw Sol's body, no context for who killed him as opposed to the "mae killed him" bit), but the way Vernestra handled it made it all pretty forgivable. the twist wasn't his death or that Osha was gonna turn. we all pretty much could guess it. the twist was how his death was lied about, and I'm SO here for it. it balances out. this ep was amazing y'all i'm not over it.

Now for PRODUCTION (though I've kinda talked about it a little)

I know people have been overwhelmingly negative about this show. I really don't see it. And yeah, I maybe am the intended audience because I need to be restrained like a dog every time I see Manny Jacinto's arms. . . but that wasn't the only thing to like here. I liked the show even before that. It's interesting. Intriguing. Me frothing at the mouth over Arm™ was pretty minimal compared to how I'm rabid for more lore about these characters in this era.

I have three complaints: first some line delivery maybe could use a little work overall, but this last ep was the best it has been. also it's nowhere NEAR as bad as some line deliveries in the past (you know the ones). second, slow motion has no place in this world anymore in a non-comedic based fight scene. not since the matrix, anyway. that's the only exception. please let it die. never want to see it again. finally, I really do wish the flashbacks had been mingled more with plot and episodes as opposed to shelling them off separately. I also wish we could have seen a padawan Osha and Sol in flashbacks a bit too. . . though that may come next season (do another one disney). three complaints (four total with my mild beef against Yoda's intro) is high praise though, so hats off. Lee Jung-jae killed it till the very end, I was SO impressed how desprate I was to like him even though at the end. . . I didn't really want to. He made me WANT to believe he was good. Best part of the show hands-down. Amandla Stenberg was a much stronger presence towards the end, but at the very beginning I thought she did great too. While I wish she had more of a chance to stand out, I'm ever-hopeful she gets a greater chance to in the *hopeful* next season, especially without Lee Jung-jae stealing the spotlight every single episode. All the supporting Jedi martyrs killed it too. too bad I'll never see Jekki and Yord be funny together again, it's a real tragedy. Manny was awesome but also I'm a little biased (Arm™, also literally everything else about him in this show, costumes, fight choreography etc., hot DAYUM they knew what they were doing). So yeah. Awesome show, I hope the overall negativity towards it doesn't discourage a second season. It is wanted!!! please feed me.

[lookingforhappy]

Five + "I told you so"

s2 ep2, s3 ep5.

[gildengirl]

Matthew Morgan aka Nebraska

Joe Solomon aka Wise Guy

Abigail Cameron aka Bombshell

Rachel Cameron aka Ace

Character mood boards inspired by Full Circle by @averagejoesolomon

[bluwingz-artz]

Mermay 2023 Day 2!!

[wormspoodle]

compiled some things

[eldritch-goose]

Cleaning out my photos for storage, found this. Not sure if this was how I wanted to finish it, but I'll put it here so it doesn't rot in my sea of badly lit whiteboard pictures

Forgot to mention this, but critique me 🙏 thaaanks

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

It's supposed to rain tonight, which would be pleasant, except that it rained a few days ago and water was literally streaming inside from the top of my dining room window

[exospherethoughts]

This is getting so ridiculously meta. I got hit by a wave of "everything needs to be cleaned" this morning and didn't even bother trying to fight it this time, so I'm in the middle of doing laundry and washing the sheets, I've deep cleaned my bathroom, I did the dishes, washed some countertops, dusted a few things off, cleared out one corner of a shelf, and am currently resisting the need to deep clean my fridge. But I probably will when I'm done writing this, let's be real.

Once I started cleaning, my mind began to wander (it was already wandering but once I'm in the zone with some task then I get extra lost in my head and totally disconnect from the real world). And it started going down rabbit holes wondering if you were annoyed by how much I talked during our call this morning, questioning if you really wanted to talk to me or if you only agreed to avoid dealing with me pestering you about it, or if you really want to be close friends, or if I was too irritating, or if you wanted to leave the call earlier, and so on. But then I started thinking about how all of that stuff could be OCD-related intrusive thoughts (if I do actually have OCD), especially because I keep having these insanely strong urges to text you and ask all my questions because my mind thinks that having answers and certainty will relieve the anxiety, but I (try to) stop myself because I used to do that with my ex all the time and it was awful for him, and because it's unfair to you, and because I know that it won't help in the long run because no matter how often I get reassurance, the thoughts always creep back in soon after. They don't listen to logic. It's exhausting.

And then that got me thinking about if I really have OCD or not, and I started playing out hypothetical scenarios in my head of how I'll bring it up with my therapist when I see her this week, but then I started thinking that I'm acronym-hunting and that I don't actually have OCD and that I need to chill out with trying to slap so many labels on myself because there's no way I have so many different ones, but that made me think about my need to organize everything. Literally everything.

I'm constantly anxious and the only way my brain thinks I can escape it is to have everything lined up and in boxes and neat and clean and organized. The only way I can be calm in my room is for it to be extremely clean and to have minimal clutter-- so I get these episodes of over-cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of my belongings. The only way I can be calm in my own body is for it to be clean and feel "right"-- so I find myself needing to shower and scrub my skin and hair until it hurts and pick at my face and wear clean comfortable clothing. Every time I look at or think about my photo library on my phone, I start to get anxious because the photos aren't all in categorized albums, there's photos that I don't need or want and should be deleted to clean out clutter, but there's 12,000+ photos so I haven't ever gotten through all of them when I start to categorize them and clear them out. If I go to my music library or even just think about it, I start to get anxious, because not all my music is in proper playlists, and the playlists I do have are incomplete, and I don't have a playlist for every mood and category that I want, and my music library contains music I don't really listen to that I should get rid of, and so I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to organize it but never finish because there is *so much to do* to complete it and so I'm always anxious about my music library. Not everything in my room has a proper place for it to go and it drives me up the wall, I get panic attacks just looking around my room sometimes, and I've never managed to declutter enough to make it stop. I get anxious about forgetting things and start worrying about my memory and how little I know and how stupid I am and then want to make lists of things I know or learn and have neat little categorized places for all of it. I get urges to organize everything into extremely rigid routines: what I eat (I want to make lists of possible dinners and smoothies and snacks so that I have to choose from those lists), how I feel (I track my feelings in an app several times a day and often end up doubting if I'm accurately recording my emotions and then go into a spiral about that), my files on my computer (declutter and categorize!!!), even my memories (I keep wanting to journal about absolutely every detail of every day so I don't forget anything but ultimately the depression wins over and I don't have the energy to do it, but then I fall into spirals of panic about losing time and forgetting memories). If what I'm wearing doesn't feel right then I need to keep changing until it does, otherwise I feel anxious all day, and there's zero logic behind what is "right" every day, it keeps changing without rhyme or reason.

What I've read about OCD says that a lot of it is rooted in the fundamental need for certainty, despite everything in life being uncertain, and that set off alarms in my head because my psychiatrist specifically tried to lecture me about how everything in life is uncertain after I explained the symptoms that made me think I might have OCD. Like yes, I know logically I cannot be certain about things, but my brain doesn't care about the logic! It makes me anxious and panicky anyways! I know a lot of the actions/behaviours I'm engaging in are irrational or won't, by any form of logic, actually fix anything I worry about or fixate on, but I feel the need to do them anyways, and it is breaking me because I am a logical person and it makes no bloody sense. It's like my mind desperately needs to get rid of uncertainty and it won't listen to any logic. And that's where it gets really meta: I even want to find certainty about myself. I don't really know who I am or how people perceive me, so I go into these huge spirals about my identity and how I come across in social settings, and that makes me extremely anxious, so then I have urges to ask people questions about me or say leading comments (like asking what vibes I give off, making jokes with leading content to try and fish for information from people about their perception of me, asking people what their first impressions of me were, asking how much of an open book I seem to be, asking about quirks they've noticed, etc etc etc). Whenever I get hyperfixated on my identity and behaviour, I have this intense need to figure out every detail about myself and want to do long questionnaires or make lists of information about myself like a clinical autobiography or write down things I know or make lists of habits and quirks I notice I have, etc etc etc. And along with that, I keep getting urges to figure out how my brain works, and the only way to alleviate the anxiety is to go down research rabbit holes about different mental illnesses and question whether my diagnoses are correct or if they missed something or misdiagnosed something and then I think I shouldn't ask about OCD because it's just me getting way too hyperfixated on figuring out myself, but that behaviour in and of itself is something people with OCD sometimes do! It's meta and it's turned into this positive feedback loop that is just making me more and more anxious and my brain will not shut up.

Time to go clean more stuff so I can breathe just a little bit easier. I'm so ashamed of how my mind works, I feel like I'm crazy and irrational and whiny and I'm pretty much 100% certain there is no way anybody will ever be able to love me for the mess I am. I'll always have to filter out the majority of what happens in my head, I'll always have to force myself to talk less about things I care about or enjoy, I'll always have to lie about how I'm doing, I'll always have to hold back parts of me. I don't know how to change things that are so fundamentally part of me, I've been trying to my entire life without much success, and it kills me. I wish I could flip a switch and just be sane and likeable enough to find one person who I can be fully honest and open with, who I also like and trust. But that's never going to happen, not as long as I'm me.

[vextech]

i love that i read SO many jayvik fics about the divorce beginning with jayce being horrified at what viktor had done with the hexcore, only for it to turn out that jayce actually did not give a SINGLE fuck, didn't even flinch at the sight of his hand and leg, and was ecstatic when it ended up saving his life. i am absolutely obsessed