#/anyway now i'm going to go and actually figure out what to do lol
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i need more object-head OCs. it's So imperative to my health
#just me hi#but also i feel a little bad adding onto an already ginormous pile of OCs hfbvhshf#love characters that don't have real faces !! i get like 5 different kinds of happy about them :D#but also i'm very picky about the Shapes hfhsh#squares and circles are very much the only things i like to draw. so obviously i must draw a stop sign#but maybe less human-looking. more arms ? or maybe legs ?#or a little of both?#oh i could just make her a robot#that would be cool :3 [<- knows this is becoming a trend]#i mean what would a stop-sign look like if it could choose?#BRIGHT. and maybe loud? she'll have a very light frame of course. because stop sign#OO maybe she'd integrate red lights for extra Attention#/anyway now i'm going to go and actually figure out what to do lol#we were Supposed to go to the grocery store but That didn't happen#nonsense nonsense nonsense. what's wrong with adults i really don't understand [<- is an adult]#anyway! i continue on :3
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Can you make a tutorial on how you world build and make ocs? I can't seem to make any people in my brain, but then when I try to come up with environments jobs, beliefs and little details to slowly come up with someone, I think: well I don't really know how people have influenced the world- it's a weird loop
To be honest, I don't think I can! Writing is an extremely personal process. The way I write is directly related to how I process things, what I find important in stories, years of my own analysis of my and other's writing, etc... The way you write will be unique to you, as well. But I can explain how I personally think of it.
The short answer:
Write. Write anything and everything, it's a tool to explore your ideas. Analyze your own writing, and write more. Then, as you discover which ideas you want to develop, write more to explore them more. You won't know what you want otherwise!
The long answer:
I think this kind of loop is common. It's easy to feel like everything needs to be done "at once," because our job as writers is to make elements logically fit with each other for our readers. But as you've discovered, developing multiple elements simultaneously isn't really possible, or at least is extremely difficult.
Personally, when I think of writing, I break it into three major elements; characters, world, and plot. As much as possible every scene explores one or more of these, and as much as possible these three things tie back into what I personally consider most important: theme.
Everything I do is in service of the themes I want to present. Without them my events feel aimless. It can take a while to discover them, but they're the core of my work. You will have to discover what you feel is the core of yours. Analyzing other media helps with this too.
Concepts in your brain exist in a state of infinite potential. But when you start writing you have to start making choices, which removes potential as you move forward... But you have to move forward anyways. If there's ideas you want to explore later, you can always explore them later.
What this ends up meaning, to answer your question, is that I don't think of my characters as "people in my brain" or my worlds as something people have influenced... Not at their core, at least. They are tools that I use to represent specific ideas. Obviously they're also my blorbos, but mostly they're serving a specific narrative purpose.
So above all else... Write. Write, and discover what you're writing about, and then start over and write with that in mind. Keep doing this. But you have to write!
#I wish there were a cleaner answer to this kind of thing#and I also wish that there were a way to answer that didnt feel like 'just do it lol'#but... genuinely you kind of just have to do it!#I find it helps to reframe writing as trying to figure out which ideas I don't like#then if I write anything that feels bad to me#it's not about being a bad writer or anything like that. it's just something I dont want in my story and I delete it.#like if you find yourself naturally coming up with worldbuilding elements. its okay to just start there!#you can start like 'I really want giant mushrooms' and then start thinking about how cool that would be#and like oooh what if there were really cool caves full of mushrooms and all glowy yeaaah#then you start building people from that. colonies of fungal people or something. this is still worldbuilding#then you might think now. whats a plot that could go with this and show off my cool mushrooms.#maybe the mushrooms are all connected and the main one is dying and no one knows why. it's a classic plot.#if you still dont feel like you can find a character in that. keep going! why is it dying? how can it be saved? can it? if not then why?#etc etc etc. when I am writing I actually ltierally write out 101 questions like this as I'm going and then I answer them#and if I cant answer them. then I figure out a different situation that doesnt bring that question up LMFAO#eventually you can decide you want a hero who idfk will replace the big mushroom or something. a sacrifice and immortality simultaneously#then you can be like yeah so my themes are probably about sacrifice. connection to others. love for your community. stuff like that#and then you can go back to your world and say. yeah I think that people should have telepathic communication on some level!#I'm just making all this up right now but I just want to illustrate somehow how this kind of cyclical process can actually be a tool#because it's not about getting it all right at once. its about leaning into the cycle and how it guides you through developing these#anyways idk if this makes any sense. if this doesnt feel like it works for you then it probably literally doesnt#but writing more and analyzing writing more is ALWAYS good#it will never make your writing worse to do those things.#unfortunately (said with all the love in the world) writing is an endless process of learning more about who you are and what you care abou#its wonderful but it's hard and theres no way to skip that process#good luck!#asks#anon#writing stuff#oh also if at any point you go hm. that big thing isnt working for me I think...
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Guess who :3c (Patreon)
#My art#Webkinz#Diamond#Ukadevlog#Ghostkinz#Ta-dah! My November behind-the-scenes project was this! The poll was for this reason! Though I already knew I'd start with her haha#Have a little preview to start us off - I have Lots of thoughts to each part of development I ended up in but I want to roll them out slowly#Not everything all at once anyway haha - thoughts get all jumbled now that I'm on this side of things pft#I wasn't able to finish A Version I'd be willing to publish in just a month - even then I only worked on Ghostkinz about 3 days a week so#But for the time I spent I'm quite pleased with how its shaped up so far! :D I got to implement a lot!#Actually learning-then-implementing-then-learning-then-implementing - it's a loop I've been out of for such a long time now :0#Really interesting to fall back into after so long away haha#A lot of my other projects have been Pick Up One Thing and then do that forever and I was tired-tired of that!!#So going into this project knowing that I'd only have November to Get Guud at as much of it as possible and then that was it#I think it helped propel me - didn't end with me getting stuck on Perfecting Just This One Thing#I'd read a bit and then go utilize it and then come back and read some more of Zarla's template/walkthrough - compelling system!#I still couldn't manage to actually finish in a month but I got up to Phase 4!! Previous attempts at Ghost-making has gotten stalled at 1!!#Maaaybe 2 but never anything beyond that - and while I didn't actually Finish any Phase apart from 1 I still read through much much more!#On top of the learning aspect being fun ♪ getting to understand some of the more technical side ahh - it was also just fun to read haha#Like a course that can be silly hehe ♫ Enjoyable even outside of getting to make a little guy for my screen haha#But also yes that too!! I'm really glad I finally settled on an idea that I feel confident in seeing through#The best part about reaching for the Webkinz style is that Webkinz uses vectors - I've gone on record multiple times as loving vectors#They're an exceptionally easy medium to manipulate and that was The Thing that had been holding me back from committing to Ghosts prior#Drawing every single thing when I already struggle to plug in my tablet...no...... But Vectors#You can see here that Diamond's expressions are just a matter of tilting her head and moving her tail - so so soooo simple with vectors#Being able to super-quickly put out a lot of different expressions and animations and piecemeal everything together...yes..........#And for what further I have in mind :3c It's really all I could ask for in an art style to seek ah ♪ Just right for my purposes!#I thought it'd be nice to show off Diamond-for-real as her plush next to her digital version as well :D She's still the only OG8 I have#I want more!! I'd love to have a code for her as well haha - secretly just started this so I can have a digital Diamond lol#Plush-Diamond actually wears a necklace these days but I opted to leave it off her for the photoshoot - maybe once I figure out clothes haha
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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Desperately trying to make sense of Alex's motivations in Season Two and you know, I do eventually have to wonder if maybe Alex wasn't actually lying in the majority of those tapes.
Like, we tend to assume that Alex's motivations have been a consistent throughline since the college years, but do we actually know that that's the case? Do we know for sure that Alex was acting in deliberate, calculated ways in 2006; or could it be that he's telling the Truth on those olds tapes when he says he's blacking out and can't remember what's happening to anyone? After all, if we're assuming that Season 2 Alex's motivations are the exact same as his motives in Season 3, then it doesn't make any sense at all that he spend months working with Jay to try to find Amy; Season 3 Alex would have attempted to kill Jay like, on sight just to get things over with as quickly as possible and contain the spread of contamination as best as he could.
But, maybe, if Alex really had been separated from Amy after the events of the 04-04-10 tape, and if he really doesn't know where she is, then maybe that could make things start to make more sense. Maybe he really had been watching Jay's channel, and seeing Jay start going through the same things he went through in college without things devolving into violence and disappearances, and wondered if things maybe could play out differently this time. Maybe he really did send that tape to Jay to ask him for help, maybe he really was just trying to find Amy.
But then, instead of actually being helpful, Jay makes it extremely clear that he's a lot more interested in stalking Alex than he is in finding Amy. Alex asked for help, and instead there's a bunch of masked dudes on Jay's heels that keep attacking him, Jay is breaking into his house, stealing his things, leading the Operator right to him all over again, keeps trying to get other people (namely: Jessica -- if Alex is being honest when he says that his call reassuring her that Amy had been found was an effort to make Sure she stayed away from everything that was happening) involved; and instead of anything getting better, instead of anyone finding Amy, things are just getting worse all over again.
It's not until after the incident at the tunnel that things seem to start rapidly devolving. Rather than a calculated attempt to finally follow through with his need to curb the spread of contamination, this is very clearly an outburst of rage and terror. Alex's "I told you not to follow me" line in conjunction with Jay speculating that Alex didn't know who that guy was, to me, pretty firmly seems to speak to Alex having mistaken that stranger for Jay. From his point of view, Alex knows that Jay and totheark know where he live, have broken in before, he suspects that Jay stole a key to make it easier to get into his house, and he's been followed on the daily for months -- Alex is sitting at the tunnel because he doesn't know where else he can go without being constantly surveilled, hunted, and assaulted. And instead of getting a moment by himself to breathe, Jay followed him out there all over again (it feels like Alex looks directly at the camera in Jay's footage of him from this day; he knew for a fact that Jay was there), and then to make matters worse now 'Jay' won't even keep his distance anymore.
So Alex lashes out. And it's not until afterwards that he looks down and finally recognizes that this wasn't Jay -- it was someone completely innocent. Things have finally reached the low point he was at in college all over again; maybe even worse this time. If Alex doesn't remember attacking anyone in college, but he was at least partially conscious of it this time, then things have reached an entirely new rock bottom, they've reached an absolute point of no return.
He has no idea what happened to Amy, and he's spent months trying to find her with no hint of where she could be; he doesn't know where Jay actually is or what additional trouble he could be causing at this point; he does know that now innocent people are getting caught in the crossfire (in regards to the stranger in the tunnel, and also Jessica now that Jay has her phone number, and the untold number of people Jay got involved when he started posting videos to the Marble Hornets channel); things are spiraling out of control and there's no one left to ask for help. The situation isn't getting better, it's getting worse; things aren't getting easier to handle, they're just getting more out of hand; the negative impact is spreading and who knows how much further it can still go?
So, Alex decides to go scorched earth. He disfigures the body with the rock either to hide evidence or to make sure the guy would actually stay dead and not just get back up to start his own cycle of contamination in a few years. He tries to give Jay one last chance to back off, and Jay instead admits he's been talking to Jessica, acts obstinate and lies about not having Alex's spare key, and then breaks into Alex's house a second time (minimum). If Alex doesn't stop him now, who will? Alex met with Jay planning to kill the others, and then himself, so he could put a stop to this once and for all and keep things from getting any worse than they already were.
Maybe it makes a lot more sense if, rather than being a strangely incomprehensible detour on what should have been a straight path, the events of Season Two were the breaking point that put Alex on that path to begin with.
#N posts stuff#idk!!! I've been thinking a lot lately about the tendency to take Characters at Face Value; when they tell us things we tend to#automatically believe them despite what evidence we might have to the contrary. & like when it comes to deciphering what#went down during the college film project it's mostly totheark that posits that Alex was Definitely Lying and Definitely Acting on Purpose#(even Jay is largely ambivalent - wondering which way it leans and basically saying it could go either way)#but. do we KNOW that they know that? Do we Know that they're Right when they claim that? Or are they just Assuming based off#of their own rage and animosity towards Alex due to what happened? Do we Know for Sure that Alex Was Lying in s1?#i don't know if we do!! And so without Knowing that for sure; how can we speak to Alex's motivations in season one OR season two?#now TO BE CLEAR: I am not saying this in an attempt to claim that Alex is somehow completely innocent of all guilt and that like.#Jay is the 'Real Antagonist' of the series - not at all my intention. this is just More of my usual 'look. Everyone in this series is#all kinds of Morally Grey; no recurring character in this series is free of guilt they ALL have unique fatal flaws & trends towards#antagonism that makes things worse and dooms them all' shtick - a la 'everyone Thinks they're doing the Right Thing but No One Is'#BUT i Am wondering if this Does help to like. clear up some of the ambiguity/uncertainty of Season Two - and even Season One - and#lets the series as a whole read a little bit clearer? idk i know that Jay does Claim to think that Alex was bullshitting him#the whole time & was Actually planning on tying up loose ends the whole time but AGAIN it doesn't make Sense he'd wait so long#idk - Am i making sense? does any of this track? i'm trying to figure it out; i am open to comments on the subject to help#i haven't rewatched season 3 yet today and so maybe there's stuff in there that contradicts this whole theory lmao but i'm taking a break#and just posting this anyway; we'll see what happens lol#marble hornets#mh lb
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well boss said reese has no indication of any uti or crystals only a tiny amount of red blood cells which can be caused by the manual expression. coworker insisted there was no point in taking rads to see if he's blocked from the string so going to try some laxaire and hope 😬🤞🏻also then my boss gave me a ride to the bus stop so i didn't have to carry the huge crate which was uncharacteristically nice of him 🤨
#already plotting in my head how trying to get him into emergency surgery on the weekend would go and its not great#on account of the fact that i simply do not have enough thousands of dollars for the er proper. or a way to get there but i could probably#figure that one out but not so much the money#he had a god awful time he had to see a d*g and that was horrible he hissed at it (chihuahua less than 1/3 his size)#he was SO scared i feel horrible and i almost cried a lot of times just from looking at him 😭#anyway i'm glad we did a ua though that does help some of my anxiety but now the problem is the string#it probably had a big knot in it so i'm not totally convinced it would even be able to exit the stomach but if it did thats terrifying#i don't think it was super long just the big knot#coworker also insisted strings cant cause blockages only intussuseptions which does not sound right to me particularly if it was a bulky#but not long string such as this one. but what do i m#*know#i'm still really stressed and we have to move tomorrow ugh#i forgot to grab the laxaire at the clinic so i'm going to have to go out and get some but i have to go drop off a goodwill bag anyway#ugh also while my coworker was trying to get pee from him she said “if you bite me i'll smack you in the face i dont care if your moms here”#and i didnt say anything but if she had done that i think i would have lost my mind. what the fuck is wrong with you#she is like that with all of the animals and it drives me insane or like she'll brag about how her rottweiler lifted his lip at her so she#beat him and stepped on his head (???) like some would accurately identify this as animal abuse and yet youre a vet tech???#like these animals are all having a horrible day why the fuck don't you have two seconds of patience instead of immediately going to#“oh you threatened to bite me let me force you into tonic immobility”. again what the fuck is wrong with you#same woman who justified hitting kids in the face btw. of course#my boss is actually much nicer to them for the most part than she is he's just a total douche to people (me) its weird#like i just think you should not have made your lifes work being a vet tech if you think its cool and fine to smack dogs and cats around for#not immediately doing what you want or for expressing discomfort or fear#and they are almost all fear reactive i think there have been maybe two cats that i would describe as aggressive and not just fear reactive#and i'm probably wrong honestly! theres always a reason#anyway. please everyone pray or vibe or whatever that my cat doesnt get his guts tied in knots because i dont have $10000 and his insurance#doesn't kick in for two weeks i think (i got it last night in a panic having intended to do it months ago but thought he had to have a vet#relationship in order to get it)#i'm still really scared lol. god bless#me
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Since I'm slowly reading Wonderbook, and am only really on the first chapter, I keep thinking about how I kind of passively refused to read books on writing for a long time, and I do think that can be a helpful approach if you're starting as a writer and you have ideas and excitement but don't have any technical know-how or experience sitting down and slogging through it.
Don't read writing advice. Don't read about other people's processes. Read fiction or even nonfiction that makes you think about what you want to write, and then write a shit ton of stuff that makes you excited without having any expectation that you'll do anything with it. Once you figure out what works at least somewhat, or if you find that you've still got the ideas but nothing's really working to get them on paper, then you can pick up whatever writing books you want, but it is really very valuable to figure out the skeleton of your own process before you invite in ideas from anyone else's.
#like for a while i didn't read any and then after that i didn't find them interesting and now I'm starting to actually enjoy them lol#but i am also picky tbf#but novelist as a vocation slapped and wonderbook is just very fun#also my other recommendation is to find friends with similar tastes who are willing to be insane about the stories you're trying to tell.#absolutely crucial. these are my only foundational pieces of writing advice.#that's not true actually the third is 'figure out what you're trying to do and then figure out how to best make that happen' but#i think that comes after the previous two. you have to have done enough practicing to be able to figure out how to accomplish things#anyway#megs is reading#megs is writing#yeah it can go in both ig
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.
#pet death tw#death mention#let me know if I need any other tags#I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods#since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name#and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt#res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank#account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc.#and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol#I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can#It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy#decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe#pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him.#anyway#of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh...#more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter#vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else#you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T#Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I#noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly)#but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely#not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc.#ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without#taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc.#cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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i think i tapped on the explore page by accident some minutes ago, i've been scrolling for a good sec like 'why is this on my dash. i don't know any of these people. what's going on' lmfsvh
#just me hi#i was really scrolling like 'man i do i need to start unfollowing people' before i Realized something was Wrong hkdjvhgv#idek how i did that. for a moment i was in a poor (quality) alternate dimension hkfkshvj#//anywho 'm gonna be going to bed in a bit :)#12 is about the time i should go to sleep... but also i've been doing pretty well going to sleep late n waking up at pretty reasonable hour#turns out when i'm much better at managing my own sleep times than i thought! whodda thought after all this time hbfhsh#//mnmnm also i'm getting back into actually enjoying writing lol :33#took me a sec bc oooh has it been fooooreeeever bfsh !! but yea i'm figuring out how to like it again :>>#i had what i believe to be a reasonable amount of description for a scene(in hindsight anyway lmfsh) and was like 'ohh but is this annoying#and then the thought of 'oh wait. i'm writing for me and one other guy (also me)'#so it haaaas been pleasant :33#i'm trying to practice my pacing n stuff... my punctuation has gotten a bit rusty too so that as well :)#//oh i haven't worked on my background stuff...#year's almost done and i think i've done 1 full background i think. that's a bit crazy hkfshv#gotta make up for that !! it's gonna suck prolly but i'm gonna do it >:3#mmmmmmmmmmmmm yea i'll do that after the yellow piece tomorrow :>#i've already got some of the guidelines for that down so ~!!~#//ouh the tea Got Me#going to poof now.. tooodles .w./
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okay i think i have a game plan. this is good i'm feeling good about this.
#0.txt#school thing might work out really well actually#the only thing is they only take fall admissions so i need to figure out if there is something#viable to do between now and fall of 2024. preferably even take classes and forward those credits but idk if its feasible. will ask#if not ig i'll just do some traveling??? or some sort of vacation lmaoo#i also obviously need to get admitted first LMAO#on the other end my mom is trying to get me to consider super top schools like mit or carnegie mellon#bc to be frank i do have a shot. but i really. don't want to move lmao like i love this area i have a fucking house here#i don't want to have to deal with selling all that to what. pay rent on the east coast. the school i am targeting also is still very good#and if they require me to take the gre i'm absolutely out lol#also i'm not going so much for the degree but for this specific lab that focuses on AR/VR and just general networking#ofc you can find that kind of shit elsewhere as well but isn't it so nice and convenient that it's HERE#anyways. we're so back babes
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Leftovers gone bad (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Still vent-like! Helped put my head in order anyhow so - helpful :)#Sweet Coffee to lower Charm's anxieties hehe <3 Who could have ever guessed how accurate he'd be!#I really do need to sit down and give everyone names he deserves one! He's only ever had the one name (not Coffee lol)#His first attempt wasn't great lol way to intentionally misinterpret his meaning Charm#It's hard to be positive in that kind of mindset but he's trying to help!#Coffee does also have foot-in-mouth syndrome tho so there's that lol#Doesn't Try to minimize or callously redirect he really does try his best he's just still a bit clumsy haha#This was never his practice! He's always been a troublemaker of a kind!#He's just getting his practice in haha#Oh yeah and he gets a new outfit since I was offline while drawing him pft#He's always been androgynous he's allowed to have the clasps on the other side - even if it does make him off-model lol#He's always had masculine closures on his clothes now that I think of it....I think? Might need to go through his backlog actually#Then again I'm talking about the character he used to be and not necessarily who he is now lol - moving character from fandom to fandom#ANYway lol#Isn't this supposed to be about Charm or something who's the main character again pft#Charm's canonical least favourite feeling is feeling foolish! It's The Feeling that makes her seek out the Staff#But! She's (trying to be) reformed! So that's not really an option! Doesn't make the feeling go away tho#She carries the same response with her since she hasn't figured out how to healthfully respond to it#So anything that creates That Feeling is scary! She doesn't have an out! Feels cornered - and that stress adds to it#What if This Thing makes her feel That Way when she doesn't want to! She /wants/ to trust and love and be happy and healthy#But the precedent#Reminding her that she doesn't have to repeat her actions just because it Feels a certain way is important!#It's not something you have to run away from or lash out against - it hurts but it's momentary#Promise :)
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IT’S SO ENCOURAGING TO HEAR THAT YOU DID A GOOD JOB AT REVISING SOMETHING, HONESTLY
#text#presonal#writing#editing#in btw#driscoll#yes ezra this is u lol thank u#(hannah said something similar too but she didn't do a Side By Side comparison lmao)#but anyway!! sometimes i just need to hear!! that i am in fact making it Better and not just Different!!!!#AAAAND i finished the second chapter (again)(for the like twelfth time this round of revisions lmao)#AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT IT!!!!!#I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS FUCKED AND I THINK I UNFUCKED IT!!!!!!!!!#i'm inputting because i got caught up to my new printed pages lol#i'm fixing the underlying fuckup as i go but i need a clean page to do it on because it's uuuuh a Disaster so far in these margins#unfortunately: now i'm at the 15 page chapter (which is really like a 30 page chapter at least in#~Real Pages~)#(also char yes this is about what you said about lucius drafts too <3)#(but per my usual MO: perpetually terrified that it was a one off and i'm not actually good at it lmao)
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I think (as much as I annoyingly complain and whine about not having a partner) being single this long has been good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm learning why I was a shit person, and through finding the root of the problem I can kind of... start to heal. I can be nicer to myself so I can grow and get better. Because TBH.. being mean and cruel to yourself doesn't make you become a better person. It just makes you believe that thats what you /are,/ and thats what you /always will be,/ as opposed to realizing that you are a product of your circumstances but that does not mean you can't get better and become a better person. Accepting help and trying to get better so you can eventually love yourself – even if no one else does – is the greatest and loveliest thing you can do for yourself. You deserve that love, you exist and you live and you feel and that is a truly beautiful gift.
#uhm well anyway I hope everyone finds people and a place where they feel safe and loved#I'm feeling really emotional sorryy#basically. tldr; found the problem! trying to get better now through loving myself instead of hating myself#its been really hard. its going to be really hard. I feel like ive barely made any progress#I wish I had a therapist to talk about this stuff with. but I dont.#btw the uh root problem: finding out my mother was actually hugely abusive & I already knew my dad was#so basically ive been having to confront the fact that Ive been living a lie and my mother is actually deeply terrible as much as my dad#and my parents should have never had children & ive never had one single decent adult in my life#so basically uhm yea lol. I was born into dysfunction. I was never going to turn oit normal or okay.#so its been hard to like. figure all that out alone. learning I have ptsd and extreme ocd + dissociation because of them hasnt been easy#its made me so deeply miserable because I guess I assumed what my mom was doing to us was normal this whole time?#because I thought no. surely not. surely i cant have TWO terrible parents. I need at least 1 good one right?#but yea no actually every adult has hurt me in some way. and I was never going to turn out alright because#I am the king of obsessing and cycling over everything in my life#Im like. not okay right now but not being im in danger just because I wish I had someone to talk to about all this.#I just need to learn to drive so I can get out of here. I need to get out like#all these realizations have been really really heavy on me and ive been having trouble sleeping#Its been hard to process and I dont really know where to go from here. I guess I cant properly heal and grow until I move out?#idk this has been really long im so sorry.#vent#tw vent#tws ->#abuse ment#parents ment#<- in tags
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I dunno why everyone says they hate grooming and hand stripping dogs. I find it so soothing. I would probably go for hours if Arthur didn't let me know he was done with it.
#I wanna say we probably go 30 minutes max usually? For maintenance grooming#When he goes to his breeder to get full groomed he's on the table for like 3 hours#I kinda think having a Poodle could be fun one day for the fun haircuts I could do#I'm not that brave with actually clipping BUT I would be if it wasn't a show dog lol#Like I do love clipping off Haley's feathers. Which I do now because she's an old lady who does not need that excessive hair#Haley gets really really floofy ... makes me wonder what her parents' coats were like. I'm thinking the Sheltie genes are probably why#My mom wants me to try shaving Leia down. Haha. We'll see about that. She is so so wiggly and hyper. Her#groomer has a special way with her#Leia's groomer is a hardcore flyball trainer/competitor so she is used to insane dogs lol#I think it's funny that she grooms all the floofy suburban pet dogs in the neighbourhood while she personally owns Mals and BorderWhippets#ANYWAY I think dog grooming would be a great career for me if I can get the chronic pain under control#I want to at least become an Expert ECS groomer over the next decade lol#Grooming could maybe be a side gig one day if I can get good enough and figure out how to get training#I'm legit considering the idea that the best job situation for me might end up being multiple 'side gigs'
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