#//I just bothered writing this at school today so I thought I'd post it

[anarchictemptation]

So, I've had a bit of an emotional journey when it came down to getting these trolls uploaded and, uh.I'm sort of in a venty mode, so I'm doing a read more cut just so I don't bother people (TW for Drug Abuse and Suicidal Thoughts mentioned)

It became less of "lol, look at all these trolls I've had over the years, let's sell them" to a bit of a crippling "I did this to cope with what was happening to me and this is the financial repercussions of that"

When I joined the Homestuck fandom, I was 16. A long ago ex-friend had gotten me into it because he was an obsessive fan and I REALLY liked astrology at the time, so obviously what was gonna stop me from getting into this silly little webcomic? (Nepeta my BELOVED! Leo's for life!!!)

I've never really shared this with anyone outside of my CLOSEST of close friends, but I was in a really nasty situation. My parents were on drugs, deeply into it at the time of me joining Homestuck, and were basically nonexistent at that point of my life. They'd disappear for days at a time with no sign of them coming back anytime soon, so, while looking after my little brother, I'd get lost in this fandom and obtaining fantrolls was my own sick little kick

I wasn't creative at the time to really make my own, I'd just use sprite bases and all my own guys were basic as hell, but, when I found out troll adopts were a thing, I was OBSESSED

Some oldies might remember me being EVERYWHERE back in the day on DA under the unusualKitten alias. I was on every single page I could find trying to get at least ONE fantroll that someone had posted newly in the groups. It was amazing! I could drown myself in these guys I was getting and bury myself in art of them so that I could avoid the world that I was stuck in

Honestly, without that "distraction", I probably would've killed myself years ago

It was all I had in a shit world, it even led me making a short-time friend in my final year of high school, but it was fun

And then I grew up

Some things happened that involved me being the fucking savior of my family by dragging them out of that hell with my own two broken hands only for the sake of my brother. My mom got clean, my dad died because he couldn't get clean, I had been working a job in which case they'd have stolen my money almost every time I got it (like THAT was anything new), and we were just sort of stuck in limbo for a long time after that

I was still a part of Homestuck, but I wasn't A part of it anymore, if that makes any sense. Most I done was win a spot in the For Fans By Fans design contest with my Heir's Tears submission (Only 1 or 2 people bought the shirt and, two those people, I FUCKING LOVE YOUUUU, y'all are so cool), but I was pretty much dead in the water

Until I reconnected with my bestest friend

She helped me to regain the love again, as we'd rp a lot with all our different versions of canon characters bc we're maniacs (Which will ALL be featured in MSCOTT once I get back on the ball for writing it!)

And, as I sit here today, looking back on everything that happened 11 years ago, I've realized that things are a lot different now. I'm no longer the heavily traumatized kid I was back then, I have a life outside of the fantrolls I've hoarded over the years

And, yeah, it hurts seeing a lot of these guys go, it feels like a bit of myself is leaving with them, but that's not a part of my life anymore, that was a part of HER life

Don't get me wrong, I STILL love fantrolls and still have a handful of my own that I'll fight ANYONE over, but. I think it's time to let go of a past that I don't really want to be haunted by anymore

(But I hope this explains why I generate a LOT of fantrolls and then suddenly they're being given up as soon as something's done with them, hha, old habits die hard)

Thanks for readingggg, time to go cry a bittt!

[blackbloodteeth]

"The Whole Week"

For SoMa Week (2023) I ended up thinking of a genuine outline for what started as a joke idea I literally called The Whole Week, which would've featured every prompt over the course of an actual week. While I didn't write any of it up proper, thought I'd share what I'd come up with at the time in case it interests anyone. For additional context, this is a post-manga story.

————

[Devotion] Sunday: During a mission, Soul and Maka are attacked by two monsters, which results in Maka being controlled by one of them to attack Soul. He gets hurts but eventually finds a way to snap her out of it, and together the two strike back. One of the monsters is defeated but the other (who had previously controlled Maka) uses a charged-up attack on Soul that doesn't seem to do anything. It then swears they'll meet again and runs away with the other monster's soul. Soul then seems to be a bit unwell so the two return home. Soul is checked on and he appears to be overall fine, just that he will need to rest. He promises though that he recovers fairly quickly to reassure her.

[Love Language] Monday: Soul takes the day off to recover since he's still not fully well, and is laying on the couch while Maka prepares to leave for school. Both his having not slept well and some odd behaviour makes her worry but he plays it off. After she leaves it's revealed he's had a disturbing nightmare and that yesterday is still bothering him, but all-in-all he decides that he might just be worrying too much. Eventually he leaves the apartment to find a way to show Maka not to worry about him and is joined by Blair. Meanwhile Maka decides to ask Tsubaki for help to cook Soul something nice for dinner so he'll feel better, and the results of both avenues come together later that evening. Afterwards the two watch a movie together and Soul falls asleep on Maka's shoulder when his exhaustion catches up to him, leaving a sense that everything is okay for now.

[Flustered] Tuesday: Soul is feeling well enough to go to school today, however trouble with his Fan Club ensues. I'm not sure how exactly this plays out but Maka understands it's not his fault. At some point there's more foreshadowing to Soul's nightmares.

[Night Out] Wednesday: Due to both the nonsense from yesterday and the growing issue Soul has been experiencing, Soul decides to take a walk with Maka that evening to help calm his nerves until he can finally work up actually talking about it. Before he can actually tell her though, the monster from a few days ago suddenly reappears as foretold (this time having gained a more powerful form due to absorbing the other monster's soul), and activates the attack it used on Soul to reawaken the Black Blood that'd been sleeping in his innermost subconscious. Soul then attacks Maka and ends up infecting her, and Black☆Star shows up to try to take down the monster before using his Soul Force attack on Soul to knock him out of his mad state. While Soul is down, Maka punches the monster hard enough in the face to break its nose, and when it unleashes its full power on both of them Kid soon shows up and stops the chaos entirely. Maka eventually calms down enough to help Soul.

[Vulnerability] Thursday: Soul is bedridden in the infirmary today both for the attack Star inflicted and the Black Blood having re-entered his body. Maka has recovered well enough to move but wants to stay with him, and he decides to pick up from last night and be open with her about everything that's happened. After the two have talked for a while, the Thompson sisters come in to visit, with Patty bringing him a support stuffed animal because while it's not fully stated, everyone does know him being reinfected is pretty serious (Liz would've brought him snacks but he can't eat much for now). There's some lightheartedness though, and I'm not sure if there's any other scenes afterwards.

[Yearn] Friday: Soul is doing better but he's staying home again today. He convinces Maka to go to school since she's feeling well enough, which she agrees to since Blair will stay home and help take care of him (such as being a cat and cuddling with him haha). While the two are apart they have their own separate angstings, Maka worrying about Soul being reinfected while Soul is dealing with Oni being in his head again. Blair ends up making Soul some nice soup and Maka gets reassured by the rest of their friends. At the end of the day the two are happy to see each other, and Maka makes dinner again while her simply being there makes things better for him.

[Close Call] Saturday: Soul is feeling good enough to move around, so Kid hosts a little get-well party for him. I'm not sure what transpires for it to match the prompt, but at least it'll be shown that despite however much time has passed they're all still a bunch of goofy idiots. So basically the mood is picking back up here.

[Mom's Spaghetti] Sunday (again) A reflection of all the previous other days. Not sure what happens exactly other than maybe the two are thinking about things. For dinner though Soul decides to make Maka a spaghetti recipe that his mom was rather particular about (especially since he was kind of a picky eater as a kid), as both a way of saying thanks for everything and that he can keep moving forward with her. Perhaps the two have a little bit of feelings too, hm.

[lilac-5ky]

Spending Valentine's Day with kid!Takasugi (x kid!Fem!Reader)

A/N: I lowkey wrote this last minute thing because I had to contribute :p At first, I wanted to write Valentines Day headcanons for him, but then I thought I'd write a cute lil story about cute lil child Shinsuke and his cute lil crush. Might do a follow up post on actual V-Day headcanons today or tomorrow, my brain is toasted and I haven't even properly proofread this. Apologies for inconsistencies!

Plot: Shinsuke has a crush on his classmate and gets her to play hooky with him on Valentine's Day.

Warning: Zero calories fluff, no spice, whatsoever.

He is so embarrassed to admit his own feelings, yet at the same time they're eating him alive. He's noticed the way others look at you and thinks it's impossible they misso out on what he sees; all that makes you brighter and more special than any other girl in Shouyou's class, and any other girl he'd ever had the luck of encountering. Only a fool would fail to realize your worth, and for that, he is scared the day might come when someone who isn't him will show up and sweep you off your feet- and God knows, he can never let that happen. Even if Gintoki or Katsura catch onto his affections, he has to step up and declare his intentions.

And so he does. Away from the eyes of his classmates and on a day with great importance to those in love. Of course, he'd never admit that he is in love with you. Little Shinsuke barely knows what such crude and complicated emotions mean. What he does know is that it's dangerous to let you be at school with the rest of your aspiring "suitors" or allow for your precious chocolate to be stolen by the likes of Gintoki. He's just trying his best to look out for you.

While the two of you walk to school-- your small hands surely enough gripping a box of chocolate meant for an unlucky fellow who wouldn't receive his treat-- he suggests you play hooky from school. Surprised, you ask him what's gotten into him; if there's a specific reason behind his request and if something's wrong. He doesn't bother explain, and tells you to simply follow him without asking more questions for the time being.

The two of you end up back to his house, and once he makes sure his father --at the very least-- isn't home, he motions for you to follow him inside.

You sneak past the gate and the servants who keep sweeping the dirt off the floors without being aware of your presence, and soon you make it to a large area of spreading greenery at the back of his estate. An abudance of wild flowers blossoms wildy and unruly below your feet, creating a wonderful field of color. Entranced as you are, your lips gap at the sight, fingers lightly caressing the overgrown leaves surrounding you.

"They are so beautiful, don't you think," you whisper.

He doesn't answer, but imitates your gesture of caressing a dark purpe flower, one as dark as his hair.

"You'd better get into work." He comments, bothering to explain only after you shoot him a look of utter confusion. "The gardener quit last week and father's furious over the state of these wild weeds," he distastefully says. "You should clean them up."

"But why?" You ask, half wondering why it must be you and why anyone would want to get rid of something this pretty. He only answers your first question, reminding you of a test paper you may or may not have copied from him, and how nothing prevents him from letting Shouyou know.

Without a real choice, you accept the task assigned to you and he hands you a pair of gloves and a pruning shear that casually happened to be lying around. You put them on and get into work, while he assumes a seat nearby the porch, spreading a book on his lap and throwing glances from time to time to see if you are doing as told.

It pains your heart to see the garden become naked, but at the same time you can't help yourself from smiling at the rapidly growing bouquet in your hands. All the colors of the world have gathered up, from sparkling yellows to subtle whites and fervent reds, each is more beautiful than the one before.

Working under the sun has you wiping the sweat off your forehead every three seconds, but even so, you find your shared time a lot more enjoyable than you initially thought it be. Sure, you spend it in utter silence, with only the sounds of stems being plucked and pages being flipped filling the space between you, and yet what you don't know iis that the reason for his quietness has nothing to do with the quality of a book he isn't even reading, or with him playing the role of an employer all too well. In reality, he just can't bring himself to take his eyes from you and knows that if he speaks, his voice will crack in such unnatural way that he'll make a fool of himself.

Once you finish piling up the dried leaves and headless stems, you walk up to him. He doesn't look at you right away- he finishes reading his page, flips his bookmark to the next and then raises his head, finding a bouquet greeting him from where your face ought to be.

"All done!" You speak behind it, and he can hear the smile in your voice.

"Hm..." He looks around, as if he wasn't aware you'd finished. "You did well," he barely admits.

"What are you reading?" You ask.

"Yesterday's notes."

"Kat-su-ra Ko-ta-" You turn your head upside down to read the label, but he pulls it away.

"Zura gave them to me. I was just comparing our answers." He justifies.

Ignoring the fact that you caught him red-handed, you instead smile at him gently. It hasn't been long since you became Shouyou's student yourself, and yet you'd managed to grow fond of him. He had quite the nasty temper and prefered dressing his true intentions in bitter words that matched his higher status, but behind all that lied a boy as devious and mischievous as the rest of you.

"Takasugi-kun," you say as you take a seat beside him, "why does your father not want flowers in his garden?"

He glances at you and then down at his dangling feet. "What's pretty is a distraction. He says samurai don't need to worry about stuff that isn't necessarry and offers nothing."

"But don't you think such life is boring?" You bring the flowers to your nose and take a whiff off the delicious scent. "Without beauty, what's left worth living for? My father says that if the Amanto win the war, nothing will be left for us to look at. Our trees will wither and our rivers will be drained-- then what reason will we have to smile? Doesn't your father consider that?"

Shinsuke takes a deep breath, unsure of what to answer. His eyes that were drawn to you with each chance were a testament to your words, but the viciousness in his father's eyes as he raisd his hand against him was etched all too well in his skin.

"The world will carry on either way," he mumbles.

Even if he hadn't kept you from going to school, you'd keep on blossoming the way you were supposed to, be it close to him or away from his sight. It was stupid of him to think his actions would have a different impact, especially when he couldn't be honest with either one of you.

However, while he took his time to sulk, you'd leaned closer to him and dropped the flowers in his hands, resulting to him flinching away as if an electric current passed through him.

"Then you should have them! Whatever my father or yours say, doesn't matter. When we are old enough, we can have our own rules and make the world how we want it to be. I know I want our world to be as pretty as these flowers!"

"You..." He says, straigthening his lips in a line and then pushing the bouquet in your direction. "You shouldn't give flowers to others this carelessly! Like I told you, a samurai has no use for them- I can't accept them."

"Then, how about these?" You trade the flowers for the chocolates, the ones you meant to give him much to his obliviousness all along. "Chocolate is food and without food even a samurai can die!"

Unable, or rather, unwilling to decline a seocnd time, he takes on the box and peers inside; heart-shaped delicacies are carefully stacked up between folds of wrapping paper, each being half the size of a thumb. He picks one and studies it under the sun as if it's a foreign object, while you pick another and push it to his lips.

"Aaa~" You taunt him, and with a look of grumpiness, he accepts. The sweetness melts in his mouth, his tongue watering for more, but when you attempt to feed him another, he glances elsewhere.

"I only took it so that you wouldn't be offended," he tells a lie not even he believes.

You toss the piece between your lips and lean back, your head hitting the wooden planks of the porch. For a February morning, the weather sure is warm enough for you to spend the remainder of your morning in his company. His eyes are glued to his book again, while yours gaze far into the sky and the clouds above, watching the sun gradually melt to softer shades of pink and orange.

Were you at Shoka Sonjuku now, sensei would be patting your heads and wishing you a safe journey like he always did. Hopefully you'd manage to escape the earful, come tomorrow. Sensei was a warm person, but he could be quite scary too.

It was time for you to go home.

You extend both arms in a lazy stretch and jump to your feet, remembering to pick up the flowers Shinsuke previously rejected. You announced your intentions to him and bid him farewell, only for your hand to be caught between a wilsome grasp of fingers.

"I'll walk you home, " he declares. "You shouldn't walk alone through the woods when it gets late."

"Is that part of a samurai's duty?" You tease, accepting his offer with an earnest grin.

He huffs under his breath, mumbling incomprehensible words, as your thumb applies pressure on his palm. There is a brief pasue where he looks up at you, and in that extremely brief moment, you swear to see the sunset peak across his cheeks in a shade that outshone those dancing between the clouds in the sky.

No more words are exchanged between you. His hand remains in yours and yours in his, while you make your way outside his garden, the front door, and the little pathway leading back into the forest, the two of you finding plenty of excuses to make stops along the way to extend your journey, without ever letting go of the other's hand.

[fayesdiary]

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Hello everyone!

Today marks the second anniversary of this blog! Wow, I can't believe it's been two years already! (Note, I created the blog earlier but February 4th 2019 was my first original post here so I use that date as the blog's birthday)

I'm honestly suprised this blog lasted this long, since I'm a very shy person usually on the Internet and commitment isn't exactly my strong suit. But what can I say? I love it here and Tumblr feels like home at this point!

To celebrate I'm gonna reminisce a little bit and write down my thoughts about this blog. It's gonna get really sappy, I'm sorry.

Just kidding. I'm not sorry at all.

2022 has truly been the year of all time. A lot and I mean a lot of ups and downs. I started and ended my first job, went on vacation, had one of the worst instances of allergy + depression, you name it. In hindsight, every few months I was in a wildly different situation and mental state.

But the thing that overall made 2022 great was finally getting into art! To turn the ironic hate off for a moment, I love Fire Emblem. It's not my favorite series (Kingdom Hearts and Kirby share that position), but it's one I still adore and now am truly greatful for, because for a reason or another it was the only one it felt welcoming enough to me to actively make an account about it and be active in social media rather than a ghost after years.

Before I made this blog I wrote a few supports for the fire-emblem-heroes-supports blog. I think they were the first piece of writing I ever made willingly and not as part of a school assignment, and looking back I still cherish them.

Eventually I had the idea for this blog, and after a lot of hesitation in typical me fashion, fayesdiary was born! I mentioned it a few times already, but originally it was meant to be just meta analysis posts, a few headcanons and theories and my sporadic writings. Overtime though it became a lot more freeform in what I posted, and I think it's all the better for it!

I got the courage to write and posts my first fanfictions and slowly carved my own personal space here on Tumblr. Like, a very cozy rat hole. Over time, this blog became a personal hobby and it gave me a lot of satisfactions. I got close to some people I truly admire and made a few friends too!

And boy, then we get to last year, which has been an absolute blast in terms of creativity!

I don't think I ever had in mind making a dialogue dump website of Awakening, but it happened and I had a lot of fun making it and giving it a lot of tiny details! ...even if its layout has the stability of a Jenga tower and it's just the Gangrel arc. Whatever. It's the thought that counts.

I wrote a bunch more! Not as much as I wanted, but I made some stories I'm really proud of. And I took part in a few fandom events and not just one but two Secret Santas for the first time!

I took a shot at making wallpapers and made some I'm really proud of, especially the Three Hopes ones. They were so fun to make and the process was just tons of fun!

And that leads nicely to... making art.

See, the thing about me is that I always sucked at making art. I couldn't keep my hands stable, I am incredibly clumsy and I couldn't draw anything more complicated than simple childlike doodles. And while I loved painting, the fact I felt incapable of making anything good or that I could like lead me to not even bothering to try. Why bother if you're just gonna be disappointed and frustrated, after all?

Until I got into group painting at around July, and I loved it. I made some paintings I truly like, and that eventually gave me the courage to start drawing again. As a half-joke. Only this time, I decided to draw with references, and my whole world got upside down. Turns out I could actually somewhat draw if I had a reference! And somehow I never realized it in years!

Something clicked. I figured it'd just be a thing I'd do for a week at most and then drop like so many other creative projects of mine, but... it stayed. Not only that, but I got more invested into it. I went from physical to digital (with the mouse!), and eventually shifted to a graphic tablet a friend lent me (and then pretty much gifted me). Eventually the drawings became so many I decided to make an art blog! Me! An art blog! The me from even just early 2022 would have called you insane if you said it! And now not just that, but I'm even making preparations to open a Redbubble shop! I still can't believe it!

And a huge part is thanks to this blog, really! It gave me and still keeps giving me the courage to try new stuff, find new friends and people who inspire me, and lets me know people enjoy what I make or say. It's amazing, and it makes me feel so happy!

I'll be honest, I am grateful to this blog. It truly helped me get into a better place, and I can confidently say ever since I opened it I feel a lot happier. And that's coming from the local cynical bastard who usually hates themselves, but now? I went from hating myself to being neutral at worst for the most part. Even if I still have my moments sometimes, but that's normal. And now I actually have hope for the future!

But really, it says a lot that for once at the New Year party I wasn't the one who claimed the next year was going to suck. Heck, I was actually caught off guard when one of my friends said it and I said no, it's gonna be good!

Anyway, enough rambling. What I want to say is, thank you for everything. Thank you to the people who complimented me or even just commented on the things I made. Thank you to my mutuals and anonymous lurkers. Yes, I know you're there, I was and often still am one of you. And most of all, thank you to all my online friends I made here on Tumblr. When I think about it, we haven't known each other for that long, but I want you to know now I can't imagine a life without you and you brighten my day every time we chat. I love you so much and I wish you nothing but the best<3

Here's to plenty more years of this blog!

[hideyseek]

oh my god ahaha so, i was reading through my writing journal from 2023. this is because today i am embarking on the semi-daunting journey of figuring out where i left off in drafting narrative!fic, and one of the specific steps i identified that i could do (to avoid overwhelming myself with "uh. just get familiar with like. 20k of draft material hidey") was to read through last year's writing journal and see what i was thinking about the last time i actually wrote for this project. i haven't yet gotten to the point in the journal where i did (i'm reading backward and i was so immersed in my secret saito fic that all of the last entries are just that), but i did find AN ABSOLUTE GEM.

from december 26, 2023:

oh and the other thing i wanna try before i even start the revision wishlist is a readthrough where i just pay attention to what ticks me into the positive / negative feelings as i am reading!!! the way george saunders recommends! i think this wil be an interesting exercise in paying attention to what keeps my attention as a reader, since it will be important to know that as i am revising because i subscribe to the school of thought that i am revising to MY experience of the story.

this!!!!! this is now an INTEGRAL part of my writing process now! i can't believe i've had this for less than two months! like i had kind of forgotten how much i thought about the beginning of devotion (my secret saito fic) as specifically a "proof of process", but i'd also forgotten that i didn't even do this prior to that fic! like, this is how i hand-hold myself through the first readthrough of my shitty down drafts! this is also what i do to get from the first semi-decent up drafts to the rest of the up drafts! like ... wow. truly the start of an era there.

it's kind of strange to think about the timing of this realization / idea (?) to do what i now abbreviate as a "p/n readthrough". what i'm referencing here when i say "the way george saunders recommends!" is -- there's a section in his book a swim in a pond in the rain where he talks about how reading for fun and reading for critique are pretty much the same, in both cases you have this like, meter in your head (dial?) where as you're reading sometimes you run into something you like, and that ticks the needle into the [P]ositive, and sometimes you run into something you don't like or that bores you, and that ticks the needle into the [N]egative. and when you're critiquing, you just write that down, and maybe dress it up to be a little more palatable to the writer you're providing feedback for. but like, i read about this idea in [checks my goodreads] JANUARY of 2023! and then didn't even do this now extremely loadbearing thing in my writing process until december!

all that to say, it's wild how these things work out sometimes! this p/n readthrough has carried me extremely well through three fic drafts (two up drafts and one down draft) in the last month and a half (for when future!me stumbles across this post and can't be bothered to cross-reference with my writing journal, that's the up draft of mini heist!au and the up/down drafts for weilan blowjob fic). and now i can't imagine my process without it! it's made my writing process much kinder to me!

i used to be soooo daunted by going from a shitty first draft to any better draft. i used to just kind of read through the down draft and go "okay here are all the things that are Bad and make me feel Bad when i run into them in the doc, let me immediately write down the things that are Wrong and also i must immediately think of a way to Fix It". like, i would really only be looking at things that felt like they weren't working, and just be like "X isn't working" in my notes. and ... yeah. of course that kind of sucked, emotionally. this is also like, not how i would ever beta anybody else's fic.

and now, in the structure of the p/n readthrough ... i'm a lot more ... inquisitive, i guess, is the best word for it. first of all i'm approaching with more of a "what parts of this fic are close to what i'm aiming for, and what parts aren't?" which, for me at least, is a much gentler approach than "what is wrong with this fic?" haha. the goal isn't "find out what is Bad in the fic and Eliminate It", but the goal of this process is to help me to a deeper and clearer understanding of the themes, characterization / character arcs, story arcs, worldbuilding, etc, of the fic i'm writing. and a lot of the time, reading through, what is revealed is that i don't know what i'm going for, which is just as useful to me as the places where i can go "oh yeah this is exactly what i want to be doing."

and the other big difference that makes this gentler to me is the way i provide myself feedback in this structure. rather than going "X is a problem, it needs to be Different In Some Way", my notes are phrased as "oh X is happening, but i kind of wish Y was happening instead because i want to see [whatever]" or "i want to explore [whatever]" or "i vaguely remember a note i can't find anymore that i wanted to do [thing] here". for me, phrasing it as things i want, or things i wish were happening that aren't happening in the fic, lets me approach the readthrough more from a reader's perspective (someone who's looking for narrative satisfaction from the fic and just so happens to have my exact taste, hehe). the changes from before are that i'm doing a lot more reflection to identify why i want more or less of what i'm seeing in the fic, which goes back to that idea of the goal of this process being "understanding the fic" rather than "identifying the problems in the fic".

and then, understanding the fic sort of leads into identifying the places where the fic is farther from where i want it to be, and where it's closer. most of the time, a p/n readthrough gets me to a new rough outline of how i want the major elements of the fic to come together, because in this framework it's a lot easier for me to jump back and forth between the details (whatever actual in-the-moment specific decisions i've made in the down draft) and the bigger-picture understanding of the story and themes of the fic. (caveat: i've only done this for fic that's like, under 5k-ish, so who knows as i venture into longer fics lol)

okay haha. this is so long. if you are still here, i salute your ability to read my five million rambling, thank u, mwah.

[arcinblade3]

A platonic soulmate

Literally not a single soul might see this post, but that doesn't make it any less important for me to make. Also I am terrible at being concise, so bear with me if you are of the once-in-a-blue-moon person interested in me talking about something important to me.

This is a story about a woman named Cecilia, and how she saved my life. Cecilia is about five years my senior, and it is over the course of three or so years that she almost single-handedly has been the crux behind most of the changes in my life that has made me the person i am today.

Cue me, late 2021. 20 years old:

At the time, i was not doing great. I was in a relationship that was the result of a bad decision, i.e. me panicking during our high school graduation and confessing that I had a crush on the person because I thought they were pretty cool and at the time was under the impression that I'd never see them again if I didn't get into a relationship with them. Despite very much liking the person (we are still good friends to this day!), we were never meant to last, as we shared practically zero interests, and were both autistic and filled with anxiety going in vastly different directions.

Furthermore, I was at university studying as a Software Engineer, an education I had pressured myself into, and despite making good friends in my 1st semester, I very quickly realized that I was reaching the limit in terms of how long I would be able to keep up with the ever-increasing complexity mathematics and programming.

To this end, despite being surrounded by people that cared about me, I was an expert in alienating myself bc I didn't want to be a bother to the ones I liked, and at the time, was at best a nuisance for my roommates (a couple that I had known from before they were dating), which only further spiraled me into my own self-loathing.

Early 2022 was probably one of the lowest points of my life, which no doubt led to my girlfriend breaking up with me later that year, and I had snapped, my mental state in shambles. I started heavily drinking, first privately in shame, but eventually in a sad state of just sitting in the living room half-naked in the morning chugging beer, trying to find even just the smallest amount of solace in the fact that I could figure out how to do anything in my life, whether it was school, friends, health, or even just basic adult chores (which I was never taught bc my mom raised me incredibly spoiled, being her youngest and only stay-at-home child for 8 years).

I was at best a near-empty husk of a person, at worst a dead man walking. Waiting until I got killed because I thought myself too cowardly to commit to doing it myself.

Enter the topic of this post, that I had way too much background information on, a woman named Cecilia. She was a classmate of my roommate studying sociology, and was part of her research group, which frequently came to visit our apartment to do work on their semester project. I had really not thought much about any of the people my roommate brought home, they were just added noise that I would filter out as I had my daily string of panic attacks about my life, after all.

But then, on one day that they were writing their project, I had come into the living room to grab a beer, around 9:30 in the morning, and sat my shirtless, sad ass onto the couch to lay back and decompose. Cue one of the first sentences me and Cecilia had ever spoke, and one that we still go by to this day:

"Oh no way bitch, you are NOT drinking alone at this time of day."

She said in the most jovial of tones, as she paused her involvement in the groupwork, grabbed a beer and leaped over the couch to sit next to me. A gesture of solidarity such as that, towards a person she had barely even met, was mind-boggling to me. In hindsight, my roommate had probably mentioned me in idle small-talk amongst the group, seeing as I was in as bad of a state as I was, so that may have been the core of why she did so. But regardless of the reason, she jumped immediately at the opportunity to talk with me, level-headed and clearly, about things that I had never considered to be allowed topics of conversation with a real-life, at best acquaintance.

But as she extended the olive branch, I took it. We ended up becoming drinking buddies for a time, and just for that initial gesture, I had become infatuated with her. Not just from her fiery, brutally honest, mature and hilarious personality, but also that she was precisely my type; a muscular, androgynous woman with a big smile. On my part, I absolutely had gone into the friendship with ulterior motives, not necessarily with sole intent of dating her, but rather the hope that I'd end up getting closer to her in that regard, which looking back at was an utter pipe dream, most of all because I was the sad sack that I had described earlier.

And it was because of this utter infatuation (that she 100% saw through but never brought up until I did) that I took everything she said to heart, in a gambit almost child-like, with the thought of "If I match her on everything, surely she must reciprocate from how much we're *clearly* alike." For every drink we had together, I voiced concerns about my life, we had increasingly deep conversations about life where we got to know each other more and more, and I felt that connection grow more and more every time. Every innocuous comment she made about something related to me, I'd take to heart:

I started wearing my glasses rather than contacts because she saw me wearing the glasses once and said I looked cute.

I dressed more in the style of dark academia, something she mentioned suited my vibe.

I began seeing one of my faraway friends more because she met him at a party and mentioned how fun he was.

And most importantly of all, one phrase she uttered, almost just in passing as we were watering my roommates' balcony garden, ended up changing practically my entire worldview: "I know what depression is like, so I have nothing ill to say about someone going through anything like it. The point at which I get annoyed or angry with the person, is the point at which they stop trying, and stop wanting to even help themselves."

This phrase is one of the most important ones of its kind to my worldview at present. I'll keep stumbling and falling, but no matter how bad I'm doing, I can reach out. I may not succeed, but I can keep attempting to better myself. To quote a particular youtube creator:

"It's easy to forget yourself. I've been there many times, and each time, the pit is as empty and bottomless as it was before. In my paralysis, it is because of the people closest to me that I can remind myself that I CAN climb out of it."

I initially wanted to pursue something romantic with this woman. But when she said this, I realized: My want for wanting to keep her around as "merely" someone I care about was much more important than trying to pursue something unrealistic by attempting to become something I'm not. And I began re-evaluating myself. Why did I hate myself? What is the causes? And what can I do about it? My fear of losing her as a friend because of stagnating in my fruitless attempt to become some kind of "perfect partner" to someone that very much did not see me in this way, paved the way for me to start improving myself, not so that she'd see me as potential boyfriend material, but so I could be proud of the person that she chose to be friends with.

I started working out, because of my poor self-image. I dropped out of the bachelor that made me miserable. I stopped doing hobbies out of obligation, but rather because I enjoyed them. Rebuilding myself piece by piece to put a person into the lifeless husk that I had become.

And I began looking at our conversations differently, engaging with them differently, not as a glorified "yes-man", but as someone who had actual conversations with disagreements and agreements alike, jokes and talks about any topic that I could think of, because this woman truly didn't judge me based on the things I said, despite them being depressing, disturbing, or just uncomfortable to most other people I talked to in my life.

Since then, our bond has only gotten better. I never denied myself the very strong physical attraction to her, but had come to see it as nowhere near the most important attraction that I have about her. That is, as my best friend. The one who practically saved me from myself, by doing nothing other than using the 5 more years of experience with her own broken brain to coach me into becoming my own person, without reacting any kind of "violently" to the fact that I had entered our friendship partly with the intent of pursuing something romantic with her. Because she made it very clear that she didn't want that. And as she did, once that pipe dream fell away, my affection towards her only deepened, as that of a confidant, a friend, a supporter, and one that I supported myself. And of course, as she had seen me getting better and better, she wasted no time telling me how proud she was of every step that I had taken towards climbing out of the pit. I was her confidant, friend and supporter now as well, there to listen when she had family or relationship issues.

At some point in the middle of all of this, we had even started a brief sexual relationship. And we were both very much open about the fact that we were doing it as homies that were horny and wanted to feel good. Shortly after that, she got her first girlfriend, and figured out from there that she was not in fact bisexual, but fully lesbian, which once again cemented the idea that despite my "chances" being even more out of reach, it changed nothing about our relationship.

I am now studying sociology, something she is now doing her masters in. I have my own apartment which is within a 2 minute walk of her, two partners that I adore, a stronger relationship with almost all of my friends, and have practically changed my view on my entire life over the course of our friendship.

And all of this has most of all taught me that a single person is enough to change a life so fundamentally that when I see a glimpse of the person I was back then, they are honestly unrecognizable in comparison. All because of what she instilled in me. Of course, all of it has only been magnified by the support I have gotten from all of the other people that are close to me, but the only reason that I have been able to get that support, is because of that one phrase that she uttered while we were watering plants.

You CAN change.

You CAN alter your situation.

And if you're lucky enough, you can find your soulmate, one not identical to you, but your perfect complement. The yin to your yang, so to speak. And this soulmate is not measured by any form of romantic compatibility. Merely the compatibility of two wholes, forming a beautiful combination of love for one another.

I adore this woman with all of my heart. She is currently in a new relationship that she won't stop gushing about, and every word she spouts that displays her happiness, my heart sings in response, and I feel rejuvenated by the sheer joy that her own joy brings me.

My interaction with her yesterday fueled my want for writing this novel. I was having a terrible day, tinnitus flaring while I had a meeting with my guidance counselor and had pretty mundane group work that lasted until dinnertime.

Cecilia texted me if I needed something from the store. She was out shopping, and ended up buying me some bread that I was going to pick up once I was headed home. When I come pick it up though, here she is, coincidentally matching my outfit, and vibing with my girlfriend, inviting me in for dinner and a glass of wine, competing with her dog in her excitement to see me. Turns out, she had also bought me oven mittens, after she came over last week to steal my larger kitchen to cook, only to realize that I didn't own any.

And this woman, who has been notorious in our friend group for how vocal she is about despising having her picture taken, gave her phone to my girlfriend, and asked to take a picture of us together. And all I can say is...

Get you someone who looks at you like a fruity man and a lesbian woman look at each other.

[bindupthesebrokenbones]

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I'm throwing out two posts today because I wanted to get this Monday post out, and I was still feeling pretty bad yesterday. (I didn't even cook or clean all day!)

So Mindful Monday's post is going up now, and then I'll have a Tasty Tuesday for you later in the afternoon! Let's get into it, and don't forget to grab your free printable at the end!

Over the weekend, I shared my experience with heat exhaustion with you all, and I made a point to mention the mistakes that I made throughout the day on Saturday that lead to that happening. All of those mistakes boiled down to not listening to my body.

If you're neurodivergent or if you've been through trauma, you might not know - or might not remember - how to listen to your body. If you dealt with neglect early in your life or if you spent your life being told or taught that things like school or work should be your highest priority, you might struggle with this as well.

Learning how to listen to your body cues as an older teen or an adult can be tricky, but it's not impossible.

Step 1: Recognizing Physical Cues

Body cues are anything that is "off" or "out of place" with your body. If you have a long history of ignoring or not recognizing these cues, some of them may be even harder to identify because they have become constant, or you've started to recognize them as "normal" even if you probably shouldn't have. Take a moment now to think about how you're feeling physically. Do you feel any of these sensations?

Itching

Soreness

Stabbing pain

Aching

Nausea

Headache

Stomach Ache

Muscle Twitching/Spasm

Muscle Tension

Dry Mouth

Cold

Uncomfortably Warm/Hot

Skin Too Tight

Ears Ringing

Dizziness

Blurred Vision

There are a lot more possible cues of course, but this is a good list to start with. If you are feeling any of these things right now, I'd like you to get out a notebook and pen, or notes app, and jot down what you're feeling, where you're feeling it, and if you can remember then add how long you've been feeling that way.

Step 2: Recognizing Mental/Emotional Cues

Mental cues are just as important to identify a problem as physical cues, but they can also be much more difficult to pinpoint. Here's a quick list of possible cues to watch for. Just like with step 1, if you're experiencing any of these, jot them down real quick:

Racing thoughts

Anger/Hostility

Agitation

Confusion

Persistent sadness

Low energy/tiredness

Guilt

Fear/worry

Avoiding friends or family

Stress

All of these are warning signs from your mind that you are dysregulated in some way. Dysregulation happens when your emotional response or thoughts don't match up with what's happening around you. Perhaps you find yourself angry or hostile when a housemate leaves a dirty dish in the sink, or maybe you've just messaged someone and you feel guilty for bothering them, or panicky because it's been a whole minute and they haven't answered yet.

Write down the emotions or thoughts now, then move on to step 3.

Step 3: Identify the Trigger

This step can often be the most difficult, especially if you're not used to listening to your body. It's time to identify what's triggering your symptoms/body cues. Triggers can be short-term or chronic - short term triggers are ones that can be solved fairly quickly (within one day at most) and chronic triggers are often an indication of physical or mental illness. In your book/notes, go over the following questions to help start identifying your triggers.

Short-Term Trigger Questions

When was the last time you ate?

How much have you had to drink today (count all drinks, not just water)?

How many hours of sleep did you get?

Was your sleep restful or did you wake still feeling tired?

Have you spent time with friends or family recently?

Have you made time for hobbies or play recently?

When was your last shower?

What is the temperature where you are?

Chronic Trigger Questions

Do you experience frequent pains and aches?

Do you have a fever?

Do you have trouble breathing when you're sitting/at rest?

Have you been persistently sad for two weeks or longer?

Do you feel sick after eating certain foods?

Do you often see or hear things that other people don't?

Do you struggle to complete every day tasks like cooking, cleaning, hygiene routines, etc?

Step 4: Address Short Term Triggers

Your next step is to address those short term triggers. If you need to eat, drink, or sleep, take some time to do that now, or as soon as possible, then check back in with yourself in 30-60 minutes and see how you're feeling. Adjust the temperature if you can/need to, or move yourself to a location that's cooler or warmer. Take a shower as soon as you can, and make it a full service shower (scrub top to bottom, wash your hair, exfoliate, and moisturize afterward). Call up a friend or family member that you're close to and make plans to spend time together.

After taking care of all that, how do you feel? Which symptoms have cleared up and which are still persisting? If everything is good now, congrats! You're done with the exercise for the day.

If, however, you're still feeling off or unwell, carry on to the next part.

Step 5: Track Your Symptoms

If you think that you might have an ongoing condition, whether or not you want to bring it up to your doctor, tracking your symptoms might help you identify it and work out your needs to manage things.

This is going to be similar to the previous steps, but you're going to add a little more, and you're going to want to have a dedicated page in your journal/planner for this. Every day for at least 1 month, as much as you can remember, track....

The symptom

Intensity on a scale of 1-10

Duration

If you treated it and how

What you think triggered it

Any other notes/thoughts

You can use this free printable to track the frequency of your symptoms over a month, or you can grab this PDF file for a dollar for a little more in depth logging.

Have a wonderful week everyone, and I'll see you again in a few hours with a yummy recipe!

[project-rosewood-476]

Chapter 9/ New School New Me Or So I Thought

Hey everyone sorry for not posting this chapter for a little over a year and a half. I was working on it little by little but then I graduated and got a job at a nice restaurant as a line cook which takes up the majority of my time now a days. Also got a bf too and he takes up the other half of my time. Also working on getting a car and have to find an apartment by January or else I'd be kicked out of the housing that my restaurant provides. So things will be hectic for awhile. But when things slow down I'll get into the habit of writing and posting more.

Other than that here's Chapter 9

Summary: It's Tabbys and Toby's first day of school again. What was supposed to be a cakewalk turned into something more difficult than their used to. Not to mention Tabby has to face her fears and feelings and come face to face with an enemy of her past. Sometimes the past just won't leave you alone. Will she give up for good? Or will she try and try again?

TW: swearing, portraying of panic attacks

Portrations of some characters and the pocket belong to @creepypasta-shtick. Mapplehood Creek, Tabby and Horatio belong to me.

No one knows how long Tabby was asleep. She was asleep if she wasn’t caring for herself, picking a fight with Hoodie, or having brief interactions with Toby. That's all she seemed to do nowadays. They say that people who just got out of a horrible situation will sleep for a long time to begin healing because their bodies need it. Maybe that's what Tabby was doing.

Today was a new day, the day Tabby and Toby were supposed to go to this new school for the mission. Greengrove High, it was called. Toby was up and at em already; meanwhile, Hoodie would have to be the one to wake Tabby up, and he was not happy about it.

And Tabby was not happy about the way he did it.

“Hey, what the fuck was that for!” Tabby groaned, annoyed at the rude awakening, and the mattress flipped over and on her. “Boss said to wake you up, so I did. Get up; you have school today,” stated Hoodie coldly and simply, although amused that he was able to inconvenience her first thing in the morning mildly. 

He gave her a condescending look before walking out of her room and closing the door behind him. As he walked out, Tabby gave him the finger before flopping back down for a few more precious minutes of sleep.

Everyone was already downstairs before she headed down. Toby was scarfing down a bowl of cereal. Masky was sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee while trying to chat with Hoodie, who was doing his best to ignore him while reading the paper. Everyone’s eyes landed on Tabby as she made her way down the last few steps, grumbling as she adjusted her clothes.

“Good morning, Tabby. Hoodie told me you had a..uh.. difficult time waking up,” Masky said slowly while Hoodie snickered unkindly as he turned the page in the paper. 

That led Tabby to give him the dirtiest glare up to date thus far. She didn’t even bother to provide them with a response as she felt like they didn’t deserve her precious waste of breath. She went to make a cup of coffee for herself, too anxious to keep anything solid down. She made it to her liking before downing that, making herself a second cup, and sipping that one more slowly. “So, how are you feeling?” asked Masky, trying to break the awkward tension in the room.         “Fucking miserable, thanks for asking,” answered Tabby into her cup as she was taking another sip. 

“How are you feeling about starting school again?” asked Toby between bites of cereal.

“Don’t talk with your mouthful! It's fucking rude and disgusting!” snapped Hoodie.

Toby took a bigger bite and chewed more loudly and obnoxiously, causing the two to bicker back and forth before Masky had to step in.

“Guys, knock this shit off! It is 6:45 in the morning! I don’t need this shit first thing!” Masky said irritatedly.

Tabby chuckled at the fact that Hoodie was getting what he deserved and at Toby’s antics. A lot of people would find them annoying and obnoxious by now. But not her.

“Honestly, I’m anxious as fuck to the point where I’m nauseous. I haven’t been to public school in 8 years. I reek of Rosewood; I have a lot of Rosewood mannerisms. Not to mention I’ve been missing for about two to three weeks now, so people know what I look like and have been looking for me.” she looked pale.

“Oh, man…” she ran to the bathroom, holding her hand to her mouth to not let anything escape. You could hear her yakking up in there. Masky looked at Hoodie worriedly. Hoodie just rolled his eyes and looked back at him, annoyed, and Toby just stared down his food, having completely lost his appetite.

A few moments later, she came out and wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her jacket.

“Okay! Let's get this shit show on the road! Toby, let's go! We got a half-hour walk, and school starts at 7:47!” she said with an upbeat tone, trying to hype herself up. “Have a good day at school!” Masky gave a small wave with his hand.

“You’re not my dad! Don’t tell me what to do!” yelled Tabby as she was halfway out the door.

“I’m coming!” said Toby hurriedly as he shoved some more food in his mouth before running to catch up with the girl already out the door.

The door closed as Masky gave Hoodie another look of worry.

“You think they’ll be able to do this?”

“They better be.”

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tabby was already a few feet ahead of Toby as he ran to catch up with her.

“You know where we’re going?” he asked, breathless.

“Of course I do. I know this town like the back of my hand. It's just a few blocks away from Rosewood Prep. It takes about 30 minutes or so from where we live. I used to walk to Rosewood from where I lived for eight years, which took about 20 minutes. We will pass the place on our way there. I know many escape routes underground and the back roads,” said Tabby, proud to show off her knowledge but also talking out of anxiety.

Toby nodded. He understood.

“Hey, will you be okay?” 

Tabby just sighed and groaned.

“I can take care of myself just fine. I’ve been dealing with this anxiety for as long as I can remember. I promise you it won’t compromise the mission.”

Toby remained quiet for the rest of the walk, hearing her annoyed tone. Would he be bullied again? He would have no idea how to act around humans. He could stand up for himself but didn’t want to jeopardize the mission.

It wasn’t until they came across Rosewood and he felt a dark, suffocating energy overcome him that he was pulled out of his thoughts. He had never felt so uneasy and had the urge to fly so much before. Tabby, on the other hand, looked very relaxed. Like all of her stress and worries, it dissipated. It was good to be back in familiar territory again. Tabby stopped in front of the Rosewood gates and hung off the bars on the outside, looking in. She took a deep breath and let out a sigh of contentment.

“Hey, uh Tabby, I think we should get-” said Toby anxiously.

“You’re free to go ahead without me, and I’ll catch up with you. If not, I’d advise you to look around here.”

Reluctantly, Toby stood by Tabby, becoming an outsider looking in even though every instinct was begging him to run away from the place. 

It was an old, ancient, and broad building. It would be charming if it didn’t have an eerie and sinister feel. You can tell by the way there was the smell of blood, despair, and stale death that accompanied all Rosewood people that some shit had gone down there and that there was a dark and rich history behind it. There were many fields and pathways—an old, dark academic vibe. Many students were in waves of reds, whites, blacks, and tans for the uniforms. They were all off in their respective groups. Instead of Rosewood society's usual hustle and bustle, they were quieter, skittish, and withdrawn.

“Did you hear about what happened to Tabby?”

“I heard she got done in by Horatio!”

“I heard she got did in with her group as well!”

“I heard she started the fires as a distraction and ran away, never looking back. Pulled a real Laura Nightingale there!”

“Guys, I think she's still out there! There’s no way she would just leave us like that! I believe she is still out there as our guardian angel, waiting for the right time to strike and put the wrongs to the right and exact her bloody revenge!”      The students whispered and gossiped in their groups while Toby looked ready to bolt. Tabby had the devil's grin on her face.

“This is awesome; they think I’m dead! I’m an absolute legend here! I’m like the next Laura Nightingale!” giggled Tabby as she broke away from the bars of the gates and walked with more pep in her step and a more visibly relaxed posture.

Toby ran to catch up to her, thankful to leave the place.

In the back, somewhere, a dark-haired boy was prowling around the courtyard, doing his daily rounds of which kids would be his target next.

He thought it was good now that Tabby was gone for good since she hadn’t shown up for months. He finally won. He proved to be Rosewood’s Top leader, and the King of Rosewood has finally regained his tyrannical reign.

He thought that would make him happy.

But it didn’t. Quite the opposite, he was worried, no he was paranoid.

But why? Didn’t he get what he wanted? It’s not like Tabby has the mental and physical strength to fight him again, as proven by her cowardice to run.

Still, he didn’t like the rumors that were going around. Some better, some worse, and all greatly exaggerated from spectrum to spectrum. Pretty mixed reviews.

However, all rumors held to the same message.

Tabby will be back one way or another, and Karma will collect her dues. 

No doubt that she’ll be getting him first.

That thought scared him to death.

He shook his head to get rid of the paranoid thoughts. No matter that, it was neither here nor there.

Besides, he had places to be.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Who is this Laura Nightingale?” he asked, finally catching up to her and catching his breath.

“She's kind of our folk hero and urban legend there! She went to Rosewood way back when it was Rosewood Asylum. She set up the foundations of our culture and society for what we know today! She fought against the tyranny and corruption of the asylum as best as she could with her group in hand. She was the leader of the Cult of St. Jude, which was like a resistance group somewhat. Some say she was the one who started the fire that ended the asylum days. Legend has it that she walked into the woods in the back of the property, never looking back and never to be seen again,” explained Tabby, excitedly happy to share her knowledge on the subject matter.

“Wait, you mean THE Laura? The one with all the tattoos who is like the cool aunt that you threw knives with?” asked Toby, speaking fast with the realization.

“Wait, you mean to tell me that the woman I threw knives with was THE Laura Nightingale? The legend in the flesh?” 

“I mean, she came to the pocket about 30 years ago. They said that she came out from fire, brimstone, and ash, and the Slenderman had been watching her for some time and made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.”

Tabby looked at him in disbelief and embarrassment.

“So you mean to tell me the entire time I looked like an amateur idiot, I was talking to THE Laura Nightingale?”

Toby laughed.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Tabby huffed, crossed her arms, and looked away.

“Well, now I feel embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. I’m sure at some point in the future, you can talk to her again and redeem yourself,” he chuckled as he moved past her. Tabby ran to keep up.

The rest of the walk there was uneventful and quiet, both mentally preparing themselves for the new school day. They finally got there, and both looked at the broadening stairs and doors before looking at each other.

“You ready?”

“Have no choice but to be.”

They gave each other a reassuring look before heading in.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

School proved to be a lot tougher than they thought it would be. They both struggled to fit in as they stuck out like sore thumbs. To each for different reasons. Toby was more of a social outcast. Being homeschooled all his life and being a proxy created more of the uncanny valley effect for the rest of humanity. They knew something was off about him that was dangerous and made people stay away. Plus, his school knowledge was abysmal compared to Tabby’s. Tabby had that sickly dark rosewood aura that accompanied all rosewood kids who went there. It's how they identified each other. The longer you’re away from the school, the less noticeable it is on top of her Rosewood mannerisms. Never speak unless spoken to. Not mingling with the other kids who had their own established groups. She sat prim and proper as all Rosewood children were taught to do when they stepped foot into the classroom. Not to mention, her academic prowess exceeded the rest of the children there. She looked at the other kids with pity as she rapid-fired answers to the questions. They wouldn’t survive an hour back at home. Tabby played her role as the teacher's pet well.

       It wasn’t until lunch that things went downhill. It didn’t take long for Toby to use his awkward charm to make a few new friends. Which Tabby didn’t like and scowled at them. She spent her lunch alone with her head down in her hand, shoving food into her mouth to drown out her problems. She knew that socializing was a part of the mission, and he played the part well. But seeing  Toby smiling and laughing with a small group of people, which consisted more of females, did something to her and nothing good. It made her blood boil and made her feel hurt and rejected. Did he not want to be around her anymore? Did he not like her? She admits that she could be mean and selfish, and bitchy and lacks empathy. It was tiring to be around that constantly could push anyone away. Why did she have to constantly push people away who even remotely get an inch closer to her? Why did she continue to do so? Why did it bother her so much that he was hanging out with other people? She wasn’t usually a jealous person. She believed in free will, and they both could choose to do whatever and whoever they wanted. It’s not like they were exclusively dating. Hell, they weren’t even friends!

Still, why did she feel so hurt by it?

Tabby sighed and shook her head, resting it on her arms. She supposes she’ll sleep her lunch away.

That was until she felt an eerie, dark, all too familiar presence enter the room. She opened one eye to see what all the whispering was about, and she almost had a damn near heart attack with her breath sucked in, and her eyes widened in fear and despair at the sight before her.

“No, it can’t be..” she begged in thought.

“Good afternoon, everyone! My name is Horatio Galloway, and I’ll be joining you briefly to get a feel for the student body here and see what changes I can do to make the school better,” he faked a laugh. However, it was a laugh that everyone bought as most kids were cheering and clapping along. He seemed to make eye contact with Tabby as he had a smug, triumphant smile, almost like he figured her out.

All except a handful of students who looked massively uncomfortable and Toby as he saw Tabby’s fear and distress and what seemed like a panic attack going on.

Tabby made a bolt for the cafeteria doors to the bathroom to hide, and Toby excused himself and followed suit. 

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Toby quickly found Tabby as he could hear her vomiting and coughing through her sobs.

“Tabby..are you okay in there?” he called out cautiously as he knocked on the nearest girls' bathroom door.

Tabby vomited again before responding.

“No..” she said in between coughs.

Toby debated for a bit before deciding to come in. The bathroom was white and pinkish-red. And it smelled of perfume, flowers, and chemicals, with sinks lined up in a row and a big mirror stretching from one end of the wall to another. And to top it off, a white and pinkish red tile floor. Oh god, he hoped that there wasn’t anyone else in there... How embarrassing that would be? Still, he cared for Tabby despite what she thought; all of the embarrassment and shame was worth it. He recognized those dirty, beat-up Converse from anywhere. 

“Tabby..Can I come in?” he said meekly.

“yeah ..” she weakly said and struggled to push herself up to unlock the stall before collapsing against the wall next to the toilet and sliding down.

Toby busted in there, and the sight of Tabby was heart-wrenching. She was a hiccuping mess between crying, vomiting, and hyperventilating. She was pale, and her eyes were red and puffy. She was taking quick, shallow breaths. Still hyperventilating but didn’t have the energy to. She looked at him, petrified, with her legs pulled up and her arms wrapped around herself in an attempt to make herself small and protected. Didn’t even care that he was in a girls' bathroom in a stall with her in it!                                                                                                                                                                                                            Right now, she was vulnerable.

“H-hey, what happened?” he jerked his head hard to the left, almost banging it on the stall wall.

“He’s back…why is he back? What is he doing here? I thought I was safe..” she whispered, holding herself tighter to self-soothe.

“Was that the Horatio guy you were telling me about?” he whispered back as he yanked on his right ear.

Tabby nodded.

Toby sat up in realization as he put two and two together. Now, he had a face for the name, which was helpful to him.

“I thought I was safe here..I should have known better..” muttered Tabby in a defeated voice.

Tabby’s comment pulled him from his thoughts, and he hesitantly hugged the girl and pulled her close. He wasn’t exactly big on physical contact, but he could tell she needed it, and she didn’t pull away either. She only clung to him for dear life and buried her face into his chest as she inhaled his scent to calm down and hide away from the world in pitch black.

She knows she is safe with him even if Toby didn’t say it and probably never will until he dies.

Ironic, isn’t it?

It wasn’t until Toby gently pushed her off of him that she sat up, albeit visibly shaken, but doing much better now. She had that tired, slight smile on her.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” he asked, jerking his head again. Even though it was a tic, he was using it as a gesture to get out.

“Toby Rogers, are you suggesting we skip our first day of school and go home?” she playfully scolded. 

“I mean, if that's what you want. Staying here for the rest of the day will probably make you much worse, y’know, seeing him again. And besides, we got three months to figure this -fuck- shit out. With us working together, we’ll do this mission in no time!” he said excitedly, trying to hype her up and reaching out his hand for her to grab it.

Tabby sat on the ground for a minute, contemplating. Sure, Tabby has skipped classes occasionally, but not the rest of the school day deliberately. However, it wasn’t a bad idea. Besides, if all of the other days will be like today, it’s probably best that she stop while ahead and try again tomorrow.

“Okay, sure,” she said as she broke into a complete smile, grabbed his forearm, and lifted herself.

“Awesome!” 

With that, he grabbed her hand and practically ran out the door.

[dangan-kagura]

Ok. So about that rant I posted a few days ago. I got an email saying it was taken down because Tumblr thought it was hate speech. Now I mean this in a nice way, but it's been bothering me for a long time.

I come from a generation where posting rant videos and writing rant blogs was normal. But now, in this new generation, rant videos and rant blogs are now being viewed as cyberbullying and hate speech. I guess I'm just feeling bothered because part of me thinks that people are still getting away with that kind of thing.

It's like this. Anyone ever heard of review bombing? It's when a majority of people write negative reviews as a means of either trolling or giving destructive criticism to something highly well received. It originally started in the video game culture, but I believe it can mean more than just ranting about games. So part of me thinks that online reviews are a new way of ranting about stuff, but people are taking action about it, getting everyone to understand that review bombing is on par with cyberbullying and hate speech.

And here's something else. You know that YouTube web series, AVGN? Well, sufficient to say, I never liked it because I didn't think he was funny. To me, the AVGN was more like a bully than a nerd, and the reason I say that is because at the time I learned about him, which was like back in 2008, part of me was under suspicion that the AVGN was inspiring bullying, cyberbullying and maybe even review bombing. Moreover, part of me was under suspicioun that he's also the reason why people would make rant videos and write rant blogs as a means of giving something destructive criticism. And let me say that every time I read a negative review, I always read it as if it were destructive criticism because part of me thinks that nobody is giving constructive criticism because they were inspired by this guy. But I guess that generation is over and everything's different now. I don't mind getting more specific about this guy, but I'm gonna leave it at this.

But here's something else bothering me. If I can't get away with writing a blog that was viewed as hate speech, how is that any different from critics writing articles about criticizing popular things? It's like this, a couple of years ago, I went to all sorts of sites to see what the worst songs were and pretty much, every article included labeling top-charting pop songs as being the worst kind of music. It bothered me because there's music out there that I don't like that doesn't get that same kind of criticism. I'm gonna admit that I don't like metalcore and screamo, and it's been bothering me that the genres have suddenly become popular over the last decade, I'd explain more but I'd rather not. So how is it that journalist are giving negative reviews to top-charting pop songs just because of how annoying they can be sometimes? Why would people today still flame Nickelback and not flame screamo bands? I just couldn't take that anymore. I'm not even sure if people today are still flaming or trolling Nickelback, how would that be any different from my rant? Is flaming Nickelback not considered hate speech? Why would people get away with that? Also, remember that Rebecca Black song, "Friday"? Well I've read that that song was so poorly received, all the hate and trolling it was getting resulted in Rebecca Black being a victim of bullying and dropped out to be home schooled by her mother.

Even in 2023, I'm still not over the things I believed in back in high school. I don't know if I can change myself and change the way I see things. Obviously, I'm the type that has trouble accepting change. I realize that I said some horrible things in my rant, but it was like, only a little and I apologize for writing it. If I can't rant about the pop cultures I'm not into, because of how annoyed I am with their popularity, how do I feel better about myself? How do I keep my triggers under control? I'll never understand the differences between hate speech and negative reviews, that's what's bothering me.

[wetookeachothershand]

Journal Entry: My Husband Has Been Missing For Six Months

Pairing: Bonten!Mikey x GN!Reader

Genre: Angst, Mystery

Warning: Mentions of abuse, cheating, murder, sex, swearing, violence, may be disturbing to some audiences-read at your own risk.

W/C: 1K+

Summary: Your husband, Mikey, had been missing for six months and suddenly returns. You keep a journal writing your thoughts.

Additional: This is my first time writing a journal entry type of writing, and it was a lot of fun. This is also heavily inspired by this reddit post: ♡. I would recommend reading the post after reading this so as to not spoil anything for yourself. Also each journal entry date is actually some Toyko Revenger's characters' birthdays.

Journal Entry: My Husband Has Been Missing For Six Months Ending 2.1 | Journal Entry: My Husband Has Been Missing For Six Months Ending 2.2

Ultimate Masterlist | Mikey Masterlist

Journal entry: August 1st, 2018

My husband has been missing for six months now. Mikey went to the Bonten hideout for an emergency meeting, but he never came back. He was completely missing, in fact the security and even executives said that he didn't even go to the hideout.

I cried for days, nights, weeks, months. I cried for so, so long. I admit that Mikey might not have been the best husband, but I still loved him very much. I wake up every morning hoping that maybe there'll be news about him.

Journal entry: August 20th, 2018

He's back. Mikey, he's really back!  He came back on his birthday too. Is this some kind of miracle?

I was tending to my petunia garden, when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and my garden shovel fell out of my hand. There Mikey stood; the same white hair, eye bags, clothes, empty eyes-everything the same. Except for his smile. Mikey rarely smiled, the last time I can remember him smiling was at our wedding. Even then though, it was a small smile. This smile, however, was a big smile. The same smile he used to have back in middle school. Back then.

When I had asked him what happened to him, he said he didn't know and couldn't remember anything. Not. One. Single. Thing. Still though, I happily brought him into my arms and welcomed him home.

Journal entry: August 30th, 2018

Everyone is so happy that Mikey is back. All the Bonten executives were confused, but came to accept that their boss is back and that they're not running around like headless chickens. I know that everyone almost can't believe it, but that's the thing: I don't believe it.

I understand that I sound insane, and that I can't turn to anyone but you-my dear, treasured journal. If I were to try and talk to any of the executives they'd think I'm crazy, but they're the crazy ones! They're criminals! They murder people! They're insane! Not me, I'm not insane!

I'm not insane.

Journal entry: September 16th, 2018

I'm not one for horror movies, or supernatural and paranormal things. This situation though, it makes my skin crawl. Mikey's been acting off lately. Usually he wakes up early to leave for Bonten, not bothering to wake me up or anything. Lately however, he's been staying home in the mornings. Sometimes he'd stay in bed and I'd wake up to our limbs intertwined together. Sometimes he'd even make breakfast, but the thing is that Mikey doesn't know how to cook. Suddenly he's cooking gourmet meals for breakfast.

I know it could be that he just learned, but someone doesn't suddenly become an amazing cook out of nowhere. Above that, Mikey always said that eating breakfast is a waste of time. He always liked to leave for Bonten early in the morning because he said I snored too loud, and he hated the ear bleeding noise I created in my sleep.

So why is it now that Mikey is acting like this? I don't know, but I don't think the man I sleep next to every night is my husband.

Journal entry: October 15th, 2018

I came home from the grocery store today, making sure to dress appropriately so as to not receive another bruise from Mikey like the ones he used to give me before he went missing. Bruises for dressing "inappropriately", not cooking food "correctly", there being even a single wrinkle on his clothing, not having dorayaki stocked in the cupboards. Dorayaki.

That's right I went to the grocery store to get dorayaki for Mikey, but weirdly he seemed unbothered by the fact I got dorayaki. He simply treated it like any other food, and helped me put away the groceries.

Journal entry: October 18th, 2018

I couldn't sleep well last night. Not after I woke up in the middle of the night. It was 3am and I could feel a presence looking at me, even while I was sleeping. I opened my eyes to see Mikey's face inches away from mine, staring at me with...lifeless eyes. I forced out a laugh and asked him what he was doing just to not get a response.

It stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before Mikey blinked and flashed me a smile. He said "Oh nothing, I just can't believe this is real sometimes" before cuddling my body and falling asleep. I was not able to fall asleep again, fear washing over my body as I was held by someone I didn't know.

Journal entry: November 3rd, 2018

All the Bonten executives' schedules had cleared up, and so had Mikey's so they had decided to all go to a club as a late celebration for Mikey's return. Mikey had invited me which confused me, he never wanted me to go to a club with him after an argument we had before he went missing. It was an argument about how he had fucked this woman in one of the vip rooms. Her name was Sayaka. Kakucho was the one who took a photo and sent it to me. I remember that the next time I saw Kakucho after that he had a black eye and wouldn't even look me in the eyes.

Mikey said that if I couldn't trust him alone at a club, then I wouldn't trust him if I was with him in a club and that he doesn't want me to go to a club with him after that. It didn't make sense, it still doesn't. Still though, I listened to my loving husband.

So why is it now that he invited me? I don't know, but I went. We stayed together the whole night, his arm wrapped around my waist. All of the executives were there, Kakucho's black eye gone but he still wouldn't look me in the eye.

Sayaka came over to our vip table, wanting to give Mikey a lap dance but he declined. That seemed to shock everyone except for Mikey himself. Sayaka left and I let out a laugh, calling her a home-wrecking bitch after she left.

I knew I screwed up. I knew I shouldn't have said that. I was prepared for Mikey to lash out at me, but he didn't. He agreed with me, saying he couldn't understand why she'd try giving him a lap dance when she knows he's married.

Married to the person he loves the most, and would never want to hurt.

Journal entry: November 25th, 2018

I'm terrified. I'm so fucking scared, I feel like I'm going insane. That thing isn't Mikey. I know it could be that he just had a freak accident that caused some kind of brain trauma that caused him to forget things, and maybe even have a personality change. Still though, earlier is how I knew that the thing pretending to be my husband isn't actually Mikey.

We had sex and I noticed something that petrified me when he took his shirt off. I hadn't seen Mikey shirtless since he came back, and what I had seen terrified me. Or rather what I hadn't seen.

There was no scar over his heart. No stab wound where I had stabbed him to death.

I'm so damn close to digging up my petunia garden to make sure his stupid dead body is still there. I don't know what this thing is, but it's not Mikey. It's not the Sano Manjiro that I married.

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All rights are reserved to wetookeachothershand. Do not plagiarize, repost, translate, or claim my work~ ♡

[cyanide-latte]

Hey friends, mutuals and other fellow writers who are feeling down. Can I level with you for a second? Y'all deserve real and that's what I want to give you here.

Is this going to be an encouragement post? That's the intent. But I don't want it to be the usual affirmation. That's good and it's needed dgmw. But sometimes when you get into a funk about writing you don't want the usual affirmation and encouragement. So I'm going to just give you off-the-cuff and be as real as I can.

Sometimes...writing sucks. Both the act and the final piece. Same is true of any art form, I think: there's just times you'll churn out something that you end up hating or seeing nothing but flaws in what you've made. There's times where just the act of writing is the most awful feeling of an uphill climb, of forcing something that doesn't want to cooperate no matter how much effort you put into it. And there's also going to be time these things overlap or one begets the other.

And that also sucks. In your medium of choice (and yes, writing is an artistic medium, don't bother trying to fight me on that, I don't care how school may have conditioned you to regard it as a mechanical thing, it's art) one of the lowest, most awful and discouraging things is feeling like you're not good enough or skilled enough to hold the implement in your hands and create.

In tandem to that feeling come those thoughts. You know the ones. Every whisper of doubt, of questioning why you're doing this, of asking what the point is, of thinking that even if you make it that there's no point in sharing because someone, somewhere, is going to judge you for daring to put it out there (and more often than not that someone is lurking inside you, in that shadowy, gut-churning lake of self-doubt.)

So, why keep bothering then? What's the point?

I ask myself this semi-frequently. Sometimes there's nothing to spur the questions, sometimes it's a direct reaction to feeling like the few people I really want to read something I wrote just don't care or interact with it. It happens, and I hate it. I cannot stress enough how much I hate that doubt, as well as the worry I'm being childish for wanting interaction.

So why keep writing?

Well, if I've not lost you by now, hopefully what I have to say next won't completely make you scoff and scroll past.

Hope.

Well, hope and a time capsule effect, really.

The thing about hope is we often think of it as a sweet, almost passive and gentle thing, the act of lighting a little candle in a dark room. And hope can be that way; hope and compassion in tandem certainly are evocative of the sweet, kindly image.

But hope is also a very defiant act, and it can be downright aggressive. I don't really like talking about some of the crap I've lived through but here's the skinny on why I'm bringing this up:

Some time ago I found a disc with some very old files on it...including the PDF of all the chapters of a Teen Titans fanfic I was writing when I was 14. I'd started writing fic when I was around 11 or 12, but typically only shared them with a friend from school. At one point I felt bold enough to post a couple fics on FFNet, including that one. Looking over this old PDF, I didn't realize at first that it was mine, my writing was so drastically different to what it's since become. It took a specific couple of moments in the fic as I was reading for me to finally realize "wait, I wrote this!"

And you wanna hear something really wild? It was good! Not at all how I write now, not at all as well-researched as I would be today, but the writing was good, especially when you took into account I was 14 years old and didn't even have regular access to watching the show.

It was also unfinished.

Remember I mentioned a time capsule effect? Where it took me a long time to realize I was reading my own old fic I'd long since taken down, the understanding of why I had removed it and it was unfinished was immediate. Remember that friend I mentioned? Yeah. She was the reason. I'm not going to get into the messy details but suffice it to say that her behavior and treatment of me became abusive at one point and part of the way she kept control of me was to tear down my writing. Constantly. Not even just in online spaces but to my face. Someone who I'd been sharing my stories with for years, so of course I already trusted her judgment. It was a given, no matter how deeply she cut me.

I stopped writing for five years. Every time I tried, that voice of doubt sounded just like her. Dozens of WIPs, of lost ideas, ended up trashed and destroyed. I couldn't write worth shit, so what was the point, you know?

The day I sat down and had a fic idea at 19 years old, I need you to understand I'd not seen that person for a year...and I was still terrified to try and asking what the point even was. Every keystroke, every paragraph of that first chapter, the cutting reminder that I shouldn't even be bothering to try and I couldn't write worth a damn and nobody wanted to read my obviously stupid story anyway was right there, peeking over my shoulder and hissing at me in the dual voice of my own sullenness and her venom.

Writing the first chapter of that fanfic, and then the second, and posting them, I was wracked with anxiety, doubt, self-loathing, a sense of defeat and a deep sense of guilt. Several times I wanted to stop, and almost did.

But like I said, the hope that maybe, maybe, maybe that person and I and that dual voice were all wrong about my writing...that hope was defiant and aggressive. I was working on chapter 3, when I started to think of myself as a bulldog with a steak locked in its jaws that it refused to give up. (I only recently explained this to a friend who started writing and asked me how the heck I could keep at it.) Bulldog visual. Somewhere deep down on some level I couldn't quite tap into in my conscious thought, I did not want to let this steak go.

I posted chapter 3. And a small miracle happened: someone commented. That someone went on to become a dear friend. But it was like floodgates had opened. I gradually got more readers and commenters. Not many, maybe four regular readers total, and not all at once, but across them I started hearing something that, to me at that time, felt like a foreign sentiment. My writing was...good? People thought it was good. They liked it.

Little by little that bulldog gained ground. I kept writing. Not just that fic but I began writing others, and doing more experimental ideas with my writing. Readers came and went but the regulars who stuck around and even some of those who were only around for a while reaffirmed that my writing was good and/or that they enjoyed reading my stories. It still felt strange to hear that, even as much as I tried my best to soak in every compliment and kind word.

If that old Teen Titans unfinished fic PDF is a time capsule of a brighter, more innocent hope that got crushed, when I look at the fic that I started writing at 19 and everything that came after it for a while, I see a different time capsule. A rougher, more defiant hope full of tears and anxiety and doubt and guilt. I look at that fic and several others surrounding it and I'll again be real: I wince at a lot of it. The pacing, some of the plot choices I made, the lack of explanation I gave for some things. It's not a bad fic at all, especially for someone who hadn't written for five solid years and didn't think they could again. Still, I wince all the same because I know more now, I've improved a ton, circumstances have changed and the flaws in all my fics from about ages 19 to 25 are painfully glaring. But that person had hope and was clawing their way back. Little bulldog was gaining ground and not giving up that steak. Heck, not giving up several steaks. A lot of my readership by my mid-to-late 20s had begun to tell me that my writing wasn't just good and entertaining, it had some quality to it they looked forward to, something that even in the shortest and most self-indulgent pieces shone through and hooked them. It didn't just make me happy, it also made many others happy, and many, many of the people who stuck with me since I was 19 (and are still with me now) have talked with me about how much they've watched my writing grow over the years, through everything I've both posted or shared in private. Even the ones I've been reluctant to share or feel are bad.

So, now that I've wrapped up that bit and tucked away the mirror, where does that leave this post?

Usually, when we get in these writing slumps, there's probably external factors, sure. But I think I know pretty well it's that inner voice, the one that can be as ugly as it can sound reasonable, that will really look for a way to justify not wanting to write. Sometimes it's not even a completely cruel or self-harming thought process; often when we find ourselves frustrated or constantly dissatisfied with our work, it's because we're starting a new stage of artistic growth. Something in that artistic part of us is undergoing change, metamorphosis, in our approach to what we make, and if we cannot pinpoint what it is—be it certain techniques, use of devices, or even stylistic approach—it becomes easier to want to give up. Because those pieces we create in the "in-between" stages feel flawed or pointless or wrong somehow, and there is a sense of shame in wanting to share or feel proud of them.

I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. What we all need is different from person to person, and I'm not going to force you to parade writing you feel embarrassed about or ashamed by. I'm also not going to sit here and say any empty assurances that it's just doubt and you'll get through it, because I know what it feels like to be so deeply devoured by the sense of wanting to give up. What I am going to do is recommend you keep all those pieces, even if it's just to yourself. They're little time capsules, little facets of you at different periods in time. They're different things you're feeling, experiencing, thinking, all sown into innocuous little fragments of writing. I see and remember aspects of my past selves I'd long forgotten more clearly in a ficlet than I do in some photos my family took. Sometimes they're hidden little gems I learn from, eeeeeven if they occasionally make me wince.

And also yeah. Don't give up the hope that you are improving, that your writing has meaning, that you're connecting with others who enjoy what you make, that your growth is being tracked by people who can see it much clearer than you can and appreciate and encourage it. There is value. Don't give up on seeing that all your writing has value, all of it. Don't give up that hope. But don't think of it as a passive, gentle little thing that flickers here and there in the dark moments.

It's defiance, like that bulldog.

[pod95]

Pairing: Finn Balor X OFC (Ciara)

Word Count: 1135

Warnings: Mature to explicit as the story goes on.

Description: After moving to the USA from England to start her career as an NXT superstar, Ciara gets to meet her long time crush, NXT champion Finn Balor. It's clear the pair have chemistry, but when tensions start to rise, will they find they want more than a no strings attached relationship?

So this is the first piece of fanfic I have written literally ever. I will be posting them here periodically, but I already have 6 chapters out on my Wattpad, AO3 and FanFiction pages.

This series will involve romance, drama and (although it will take a little while) some smutt too. Hope you enjoy it! 😊

Chapter 3: Teasing the Prince

My taxi pulled up outside the hotel the orientation party was being held at, and I made my way inside. The hotel was beautifully decorated, definitely out of my price range but WWE has money to spare I guess.

Upon entering the bar, I immediately recognised most of the people there. Superstars from Raw, Smackdown and NXT, as well as coaches and backstage crew sat in their own groups, engaged in various conversations. It was incredibly intimidating to an outsider. After trying and failing to insert myself into different crowds, I ordered a glass of water from the bar and took a seat at an inconspicuous table in the corner of the room.

I tried several times to abandon my comfort spot and introduce myself to my colleagues, but lost my nerve everytime. After half an hour of sheepishly sipping my water, I was startled out of my haze by the sound of a glass being placed on my table.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare ya," came a smooth, Irish accent.

I knew Finn would be here of course, but I'd specifically avoided seeking him out. I certainly didn't expect him to approach me after I made such a mess of our first interaction. And yet...

"It's fine," I chuckled, nervously. "I was just in a world of my own. Sorry"

"No offense meant, but you look like you're shittin' yourself."

"Well everyone is already in their own groups. It's like high school all over again"

Chuckling, Finn slid the glass over to me, "This should help. It's vodka."

I hadn't intended to drink tonight, but that intoxicating smile was hard to resist, and it would be rude to turn down a gift after all.

"I'm Fergal. Your name was Ciara, right?"

Hearing him use his real name made this conversation feel much more personal somehow. The way he said mine sent tingles down my spine. Speechless, I nodded.

"That's an Irish name. Do you have any Irish in ya?"

"I don't," I confessed.

"Well, would you like some?"

At this I choked slightly. Not daring to look at his smirking face, I tried to regain my composure.

"Sorry, couldn't help myself," he giggled, mischievously.

"Has that line ever worked?"

"No, never. Usually I just flash the abs and the rest is history."

"Right, right, because you're just SO irresistible," I teased, rolling my eyes slightly.

"Well... You couldn't seem to take your eyes off of me earlier today, so I guess I must be doing something right." He'd stopped laughing and leaned in closer, now staring intensely into my eyes. Every instinct in my body was telling me to break eye contact, but at this point the alcohol was starting to kick in and my nerves were unusually steeled.

"The only way you could possibly know that is if you were watching me too," I smiled sweetly, feeling proud of my retort, though internally my heart was racing.

To my delight, he seemed surprised by my new, unabashed attitude. Looking down at the table, he smiled coyly. I swear I detected the hint of a blush as he bit his lower lip and leaned back in his chair.

"So how long have you been wrestling?" he asked, clearly wanting to change the subject.

"About 6 years. Started in the indies before I worked for Progress."

"So did you try out or get scouted?"

"Scouted. I thought they'd got the wrong girl at first. There were so many other more talented women there. I don't really know why I stood out and they didn't."

Noticing my dejected tone of voice and my eyes glassing over, Fergal placed a kind hand over mine and softened his tone.

"Those scouts have a real eye for talent. You really should believe in yourself more. Even Paul seems impressed with you. That's not something to take lightly love."

He had this peculiar way of being able to make me feel so anxious and unsure of myself one minute, yet completely calm the next. My heart was doing backflips from the warm, tender touch of his fingers, which were currently tracing pleasant patterns on the back of my hand.

We sat like that in silence for a moment, before he cleared his throat and left to get us more drinks.

I wasn't waiting long before I heard a voice I recognised calling my name.

"Ciara? When did you get here?"

"Saraya!" I screamed, excitedly standing to give her a hug.

"Did they FINALLY sign you?" she asked. I nodded in response, and she playfully slapped my arm. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I guess I didn't wanna jinx it until I got here."

"Oh my god I'm so happy for you! It's gonna be like old times!"

Fergal returned with our drinks and nodded politely at Saraya.

There was something about the way she looked at him, or rather, the way she glared at him. I sensed some animosity there. As Saraya and I had a catch-up, she would break eye contact with me now and then to throw a scowl towards Fergal, and whenever she did, he'd respond with a smug grin, clearly amused at how much his presence was bothering her.

"So Fergal," Saraya started, "how are things going with Elayna. Oh wait, Ashley wasn't it. Or was it Steffanie... Aw damn, I can never keep track of who you're seeing..."

Fergal smiled wickedly and took a sip of his beer before responding.

"You know damn well who I'm seeing, and you also know how it's going. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me why you're still here."

"Hey, I'm just looking out for my girl here," she placed an arm around my shoulder, "wouldn't want her getting hurt."

Satisfied that she had pissed him off, Saraya grabbed her purse. She gave me a goodbye hug and flashed one last death stare at Fergal before making her leave.

I left Fergal to stew in his own frustrations for a few minutes, taking the opportunity to buy us both a drink.

"Are you OK?" I asked, setting the beer down in front of him. Upon my return, he quickly removed the scowl on his face, returning to the cocky smile he had on earlier in the evening. It was as simple to him as putting on a mask.

"I'm marvelous love," he winked, continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened, "so whereabouts in England are ya from?"

* * * *

A/N - Hey guys! I found this chapter really hard to write, because it's the first proper interaction you get with Finn and I wanted to do him justice. I hope I managed to. Anyway I'm back at work now so will update when I can. Really enjoying writing this and hope you enjoy reading! 😊

[little-precious-baby]

This 2020...

First of all, I know most of the people did this many days ago but I thought today was like the best for me to say goodbye to this year.

Not to mention that this year has been very difficult, not only for me but for everyone. A pandemic that brought us many changes of which many are not yet comfortable and is understandable. In my case, in this year I have been able to understand many things, I have suffered and had to face other problems, and of course, I enjoyed important moments with my friends and family. My first decision this year I remember was cutting off my bangs without my parents' permission. I was scolded for weeks, even months and yes, I accept that seeing that picture from the first day of the school year is going to haunt me for a long time but I don't regret what I did. Is not a secret that for many of my irl friends, I'm like a little child that needs attention because if you give me your back, probably I'll be cutting my hair or even doing something worse.

As for emotional and friendship issues... I have to admit that I broke friendships in a non-gentle way, there were also discussions over totally stupid topics and not to mention love issues that simply ended up being a failure—a waste of time, to be honest.

While it hasn't been such an easy year, there's something I still don't even regret doing: coming here to Tumblr. My previous account has many years to created here —probably in 2017— however, at that time I didn't try to search much as I got to do this year and I'm glad I did because I met great people. Sadly I doubt at some point to meet you in person, but I hope you keep in mind that you make my days happier with your comments or just being you. I hope our friendship continues and that you all don't get sick of me so easily. Also, I wish you all the best as I know each of you is talented and has the ability to succeed in your lives. <3

Uh, the paragraphs 👉🏼👈🏼

Also I want you to know that this isn't in an specific order and that I hope you don't feel bad with my words.

💙 - @latte-fairytaekwoon

How can I start this without you rejecting my love? <3 You were one of the first people I decided to approach. I remember reading one or two of your works and just thinking "Wow, she writes very well... I'm going to follow her; it's going to be fun and interesting." I was planning not to talk to you at the beginning, to be honest. My end in mind was just to read what you updated and since you were the third account with content I had decided to follow, I thought it was a good plan. But one thing led to another and I decided to talk to you —which you probably regret since I bother you a lot lmao— and yeah, that's how we met and still talk to each other. I also need to mention that whenever I tried to talk to you about my problems or things that overwhelmed me, you always knew what to say to me even if that included to scold me. You always made me come to my senses. Many times I mentioned to you that you were like a mother to me as you "gave me those vibes" but how can you not? While you don't usually show so much affection through direct words of "I love you" "I care you," I feel them when you advise me. It's going to sound too idk, but I really don't regret to met you, Kitty. This looks like a bible and words repeating over and over again but how to show you that I appreciate, admire and love you if I always try to let you know? At this point if you still think I don't care of you, you are dumb 💖 By the way, it's worth mentioning that you and I have a long path together and you'll continue to be attacked with my love, support and jokes. I love you, mom 😗💙

💖 @winterviolet1

To be honest, I feel bad for not remembering how we started talking... I don't remember if I followed you first or if it was the other way around but hey, let's look on the bright side, it was fun to have met you and come together to always annoy Sofie with Hongjoong gifs <3 I hope we can still be little demons together and please, PLEASE, stop killing me 💀 I love when you send me gifs of Jongho because wow, that boy is definitely a daddy and more when he dances —I refuse to deviate from the subject but he jdudbd— but yeah, he kills me even when he just smiles. My point is that when I see those gifs, I went into a state where my mind goes to places that is better not to mention and I blush because yeah, we talk about my bias isbdkddj and I also frustrate because I find myself unable to return the same treatment to you dkdnskd. Ps: Let me know when we'll be demons again <3

💖 @teeztheflag

Your reactions are idejdindd art I feel shy as I know I never got to create a bond big enough to make you call my friend or that you consider me your friend but hey, it was great to talk to you. <3

Atte: the Slyffindor Girl 💀

💖 @twancingyunhoe

ALLYSSA 🥺 Okay, okay, just mention your name and I'll get in cute mode. I remember following you, yet I hadn't dared talk to you much. The safest thing I'd ever said to you was "Hello! I walk by giving love and support!" for days later asking if you were going to adopt me to have adopted Gabby as my sister 🥺 You're a beautiful person who has such a big, beautiful heart that makes me soft. I know I haven't exchanged many words with you this past month, but I hope that's not going to affect the fact that you're important to me. Thank you for accepting me, giving me love and always being so pretty. <3 kith kith

💖 @tinkerbellwoo

You are such a gift to me diejsndis. Since the first time I knew you, you were very kind and lovely to me. You won a part of my heart with your kindness and yeah, I do remember going to your asks and just "Hey, here is a bunch of love from me to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Also I hope we can be friends" kejebskssi. That was like my way to ask to be one of your closer moots because you were just so cool and I wanted to be friends with the wonderful person I saw had interactions with some of my moots. I'm sorry because I have time without actually having a large conversation with you and is completely my fault... I hope this new year will change that and I can talk more to you 🥺💖

💖 @yungidreamer

My older sister :( I'm so happy I had the opportunity to talk to you 👉🏼👈🏼 I still don't forget that you once used the dissapointed card with meeee, your little cute princess angel baby sister. I have cero regrets welcome you into my big, not normal, Tumblr family because yeah, probable we aren't the same but at the same time we are the same, if you know what I mean 👀 I hope we can have more conversations between each other because I know is very interesting to talk to you but at the same time I'm so shy :(

💖 @yunderland / @shangri-woo

How can I began this? Ksbsdusbs First, I need ti be honest. I do have my thirst times and well, I read many of your works in ghost mode 👉🏼👈🏼 I was kinda shy to just idk, interact kdidbdkd. Also I began to see you interact with Amelie and was funny and I began to think "What happens if I do try to be friends with her?" but also "What if she doesn't like how I am? I ccan be a bother some times...". And yeah, I was thinking that for maybe two days until I decided to make a move. I followed you and I said "Hi 👉🏼👈🏼 I saw you talking with Amelie... You seem like a kind and lovely person, mind if I try being friends with you?" skdbsudbdks. I. Will. Not. Regret. Talking. To. You. You are such a good person :( Every time we talk, you are just so attentive that makes me soft. Please, keeo being my friend :( even if you don't consider me as your friend :(

💖 @ursaurora

Well, I don't have that much to say because I just said hi while being in hiatus but hey, I really really like the idea of being friends with you. This doesn't stopped me to wish you a good New Year and hey, why not hoping to have a good relationship between each other? <3

💖 @illicit-roses

Rosa xkenskd you sidjdndid are isbddkdj a ksudkdid baby. Such a beautiful, sweet, kind and big hearted baby. I was also the first one to talk to you and I was the one that began being surprised by your words isbwkdz. Not to mention that I also got shy and touched by your words. In this year, I would love to be more close to youuuuuu <3

💖 @inkigayeo / @woo-san

Vivi, I don't know if you will read this so probably if you do, is because I told you in private kxjsksdnsk. I don't feel like remembering you how I began talking to you because you asked and I already told you that but something I for sure need you to know is that... I'm still very touched by your encouraging words to me. I think our first first conversation was about me being depressed and how I was feeling toward myself, then about my admission test that hey, you did amazing with your words. I remember I cried because yeah, I was anxious but you told me a great advice. And when I didn't do well on that an also began saying sorry to you for not doing well, you gave me anither good words that hey... How not be in love with Vivi? Vivi is just a Queen with a big heart and kindness to give to everyone :(( <3

💖 @atinyedits / @atinywrites

My lovely and beautiful Anrose kdbdkzkzd I remember I began to talk to you after I saw a post of Cottons talking about how you were such a fk rat brat and my first thought was "Hey, I want to be her friend" lol. And guess what? That's what I did isbszlxudbzk I went to your asks and I asked you if you wanted to be my friend and you accepted. We began talking and I began having this love to you idbesldjdbs. But something I do need to make clear is that I didn't thought you will be part of my Tumblr family as my mom kdjdsldudhs I still remember reblogging with an "you are married with Allyssa?! She is my mooooom" and yeah, you were welcome to a natural habit of a family who is thirsty 24/7 for Ateez or each other and yeah, such a triangle live attraction and the foughts you still have with my other mom kdisjsnd. But I hope you feel the love I have for you. Because I do love you and I trust you enough. Don't you remember how I send you photos of my body? I do feel insecure about it and still regret to be being called a Queen but yeah, I trust and love you enough, my Anrose <3

💖 @atiny-ahgase

Gabby, my sweetest sister 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 How can I began this? Well... Not to mention that I usually read your interactions with Zad and as I wasn't someone you knew, I was scared to talk to both of you. You because I was mostly shy and for Zad because I thought he was intimidating, funny, right? Well, I'm not sure if I do told you about giving you tons of love and support directly but I do remember adopting Zad as my brother and he telling me he had a sister and my first thought was "Hey, why I can't have a big sister too?" and then I began talking to you and with what I was welcomed? By tons of love and cute gifs of kisses and hugs. You make me feel lovved, Gabby. You are such an angel 🥺 Please, don't stop loving your baby sister Mei <3

💖 @shinyddeonghwa

Omg, omg, omg. I feel bad because I don't even know how I began talking to you T^T I feel bad to admit that I get confused between you and Treasure and ksbsizbdsis I think it was with you that I talked in Portuguese jzusnsks and if not, I'm sorry for the miss understanding ksisjs T^T but something I for sure remember if you trying to dom me and then getting flustered when that didn't worked and it was my time then isnwishsslsns I also need to mention that is always cute everything you do dkdbskzusks even how you talk to me <3 I hope our friendship can last for more time <3

💖 @sansbun & @choisans-dimples

Bun and Cass, the brat in denial 👀😗, the sweetest babies I have met. Two lovely babies that love cats and San. I think my first interaction with the both of you was because of the Tumblr family. Bun, I'm sorry for not talking too much to you. You are such a kind person and I would like to be closer to you in this new year. And for Cass, we talked more in discord but still wasn't that much :( But it was actually funny to see you fighting with Mari, it was cute nsisnslds. I hope both of you know that your auntie loves you so much <3

💖 @galaxteez

ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH <3

Our first conversation was something thirsty, I'm 100% sure about that. And how to forget how I always forgot to turn on to be anon siwnsibddk8dn. But I'm still sure you loved to see my asks while me being anon than when it was actually me because mine was just cute, giving tons of love to you when my anon... Well... My anon 😗 I know I have time without having thisty talks with you so maybe this new year will mark the difference 👀 <3

💖 @ateezstanlove

Ndyensiddhsihssjwj here is when my mind is having problems to remember how I actually met everyone and that's making me feel bad skdbwksjzns but something I can be 100% is that I tried really hard every day to make you feel all the love I can give. I still remember when I saw you were on hiatus and thinking about leaving Tumblr. Being honest, I was really sad but hey, you are here now to receive all my love and have those lustful thoughts about Wooyoung's thighs —I saw that, sis 😗. But yeah sksnqisndks. I love you and I hope we can have more time as sisters this year <3

💖 @ateez-little-star

Jas, the beautiful star in the sky 🥺 You were actually my first sister in my Tumblr Family. I still think is funny how I try really hard to baby you but at the end is in the other way, you end baby me skjssksisns 🥺🥺🥺🥺 How can I be more grateful to met you, uh? You always listened to my problems and I do considered a lot your opinions, is very kind to talk to you. I feel always loved when I talk to you. Also not to mention how I felt when during the night you left and when I searched you, you were gone. I was really sad and my first thought was "If she doesn't come back... She will remember me?" ksudisbskd but in days you came back and I was so happy :(( Please don't leave me again, Jas :( You are very soecial to me, my baby sis 🥺💖

💖 @hiatus-kittenmbb

Msisnsiddn MU AUNTIE HERE, EVERYONE. MSIWBSKDJDSBSB I want your love, cuddles, kisses and all the things you can give me and I'll make sure to make you feel the same, with tons of love <3 Not to mention how funny is to talk to you and all the times you told me to bother Kitty mom hahaha such a good and lovely relationship both of you have hahaha. Ps:Don't forget I love you so much, Auntie <3

💖 @hwastreasure

Mia :( I'm sorry because I don't have many things to say but at the same time I don't want you to feel sad about it. I remember I told you I will talk constantly to you and I didn't do it. Please forgive me :(( Can we try again and be closer now? :(

💖 @hongjoong-a-holic

SOFIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-.... Oh, no. My mistake. Let me try again. MY LIL LIOOOOOOOOOOOON GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~. I don't have a lot of words how to describe the love and affection I have for you. You were always paying attention to me and giving me love —not to mention that you told me I needed to hug you just because you wanted nsisns and I say no lol— and that's cute sksnsksis. I also want to say that all those times that I do bother you with Blue about gifs of Ateez dancing sexily and those smuts and all that explication of sexuality... I have cero regrets! :D lmao. If you really thought I will say sorry about that, is a nono. I know you love it at the end lmao. But there is something I for sure need to be sorry... I know you were sad about me leaving ti be on hiatus and I still did but baby, I really needed to do it. I promise I'll be back soon. Very soon, just wait for me <3

💖 @hwaberrykiwi

Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam :(( I began to talking to you thanks to Jas that she asked me if I knew you and I said no and she just make me talk to you and guess what? I'm happy she did that because hey, I met an amazing person. And even if we didn't talked that much, something my heart will not forget are the words you told me when I said Uw as going on hiatus. I was really touched, I cried. I really did at the end but yeah. I would love to be more close to such a person with a big big heart <3

💖 @joongieblue

I don't even know how to began this because I think everything I need you to know, you already know it but at the same time I feel like I still need to say a lot :(( I don't want you to feel less as a person anymore... I know you said that way of thinking is because of your depression but baby, try to look at the amazing people who are with you, that cares about how you are and of course you are very important to them. You are very sweet and amazing as a person, let me tell you that I see in you a soft light. A very pure light that needs to shine bright in the sky but the darkness is making her feel like a insuficient and lonely light. Don't worry, things will get better soon. Trust me <3

💖 @seonghwa-is-babie

How can I began this without this looking awkward? 👉🏼👈🏼 I met you thanks to Zad and what I learned is that you were such a good, kind and shy boy but of course I still think you can be very intimidating if you want to. I'm sorry for not having a lot of conversation with you since I met you but I promise I'll try harder to be close to you. Of course, if you don't mind <3

🧡 - @seacottons

How can I began this?... The first time I talked to you, it was me trying to tease you really bad. I can also remember I told you to cald me kitten or something like that at that moment and the next thing we talked was about how I wanted to be adooted by you so bad isnsldks I don't regret doing all what you wanted me to do so you can adopt me because hey, you are amazing, wonderful as my other mom. Talking to you is like a way to calm my insecurities and stress I had during the day. You always giving love to me and even those cute hugs in the head you give or when you are too much sleepy to even type correctly iwjeneid you are such a baby :(( I'm still sorry for the time I called you a rouch, you aren't a bug... You are a beautiful, sweet, kind Queen I have the posibility to call mom. Not to mention that you are also my sweet, cool pumpkin —favorite— mom. Also, I can remember all those times you told me to bother or kick Kitty just because "she need it" dkbsskdjd the time you also wanted to disown me dibedidnzsj Leaving that topic to say cute things I love about you again is that... I'll be forever happy and gratefull with you. You gave me great advice when I needed them the most. You gave me a shoulder and a soft comfortable place to talk about my deep problems, my insomnia, depression, all of that. Thank you, mom. Thank you so much for letting me be part of your life and of course, youre mine. I will not share with Kitty <3

💖 @jongpleasure

My lovely, sweet and innocent twin ^^ lmao, we know we both are like really really twins. Our birthdays are very close, we both are Cancers, have the same bias that we share with each other because damn, he is really nice. But hey, is still very good to know you because you are talented, really really talented. The videos you create are wonderful and I am not saying that just because I know you, they are very good. The same with your fics, are amazing. You are an amazing writer, why you can't see that, uh? Want me to kiss your cheeks and hug you hard till you learn it? If you do want it, you are free to come to me and I'l give ut to you because msidbwks you are my lovely twin that I love so much. Have a great new year, I hope all your problems get resolved and you can noticed how you are talented enough to succeed and that you have friends in here that love you so bad. Kyra, my sweet twin I love so much <3

🕷️🕸️ - @yunhoshoe / @jonghoshoe

Aw, my baby prince Zad :(( The one I can trully see as a baby even when you are such a year younger than me. I want to protect you every time, even when I know I can't do that much virtually... So everytime I need to make me feel that I gave you all the love I can give and hope you can feel all the love I try to give you every time we talk. I'm still sorry for that time I make you feel uncomfortable with my missunderstanding about spiders and all of that... I'm also sorry for that time I send you gifs about dogs when you were scared of them... I'm really sorry, baby. Your big sister is dumb many times but hey, she is also still learning and want to give all she can to you. I hope this new year, we cab still be closer. Who is my little sweet, cute baby prince? Of course, you <3

💖 @xiuminswifeforever

I know we aren't that close, sadly. I follow you on twitter and here and everytime we talk is probably you being horny and wanting to have sex or somethung with your hmm... Is funny to talk to you and I know you told me that you are mostly in twitter and that was why we don't talk that much but hey, I would love to talk more with you. Want to try in this new year? <3

💜 - @yunhoiseyecandy

My sweet angel Violet :(( HoW I can began this? Kdsndid I don't remember very well how I began talking to you... Like I try really hard to remember how I began talking to you and my mind is in blank siwnsksus I'm sorry because of that but at the same time, is the good memories that are important to remember, right? How can I not be feeling grateful with the angel that with some kind words that came from her heart, made me a crying mess because of how touched I was? :(( There are many things I know I will not forget. That time I was feeling low beecause someone was just being very mean with me and you were protective, your kind words when I was just losing my mind and feeling all that pain inside and you helped me release that... For this year, I hope we can still be friends because you are amazing and I don't want to lose you :( <3

💖 @treasure-hwa

I feel really bad if I began saying this but I do want to say the truth and the truth is that I usually get confused between shinnyddeonhwa because you both had/have Hwa in their profiles and I know you both don't even write in the same way but idk, is easily for me to get confused, I'm sorry T^T Changing the subject, I really loved that time when we began talking in Portuguese and Spanish at the same time. Was really funny to even think how everyone would saw that ksjsnskdd Also I am very touched and happy when you roleplay with me... You are very sweet even while roleplaying and that makes me soft in such a way dksbskdid I would like to roleplay again with you, only if you want to any other time 👉🏼👈🏼 Also in this new year, I hope we can still be talking to each other for a long time, sister <3

💖 @cometoceantrenches

Not me being speechless every time I began writing a paragraph kwusnekdid also not me becoming your friend the second you asked me how was the relationship between Cottons and I 👉🏼👈🏼 But look at the good side, we are sisters now and guess what? I noticed how you have a big BIG heart and all the love you can give is just so cute when I receive it or just read it. I hope in this new year we can make new and memorable conversations together. Don't forget you have an special space in my heart <3

🤍 - @vocalyunho

Amelie, my sweet and lovely wife :(( How can I began this? I remember the first time I talked to you. I said your writing skills were amazing and that you were cute and I wanted to try being your friend. Not to mention that two days later I ask you to be my wife dkebdidbdkd But I don't regret that at all. I'm really happy I met you because every time I talk to you, I feel in a safe space... A place I can say how I really feel without being judged... And what do I receive every time I talk my problems out? Sweet words and advice :(( Amelie you are such a good girl, a good advicer and an amazing friend. Thank you so much for letting me be your friend. I know I won something big with your beautiful friendship. Also I know that you have problems and stress but hey, as you said, things hopefully will get better, we just need to be patient and wait. And don't forget that you can come to me everytime you want. I'll be here for you, Amelie. Anlso in this new year, I hope our friendship can grow bigger and yeah, why not trying to create new memories together? Remember you are Yunho of our 2Ho. Love you <3

💖 @sollyho & @ateezinmymind

Well... Maybe this will look like a very short paragraph but... I felt bad at the same time because I don't have that much to say... For sure, I'm happy I met both of you because during our conversations, I can deduce that I can trust you because you are lovely and all of that. What I regret so bad is that during this 2020, I didn't talked that much and that's why I feel bad for not writing something big but please, don't feel that I don't care about you because I do :(( i hope in this new year, we can talk much and maybe be close friends 👉🏼👈🏼

👑 - @barnesbabee

Queen Trixie 👉🏼👈🏼 Well, what I can say is that first, I love your humor keiwbsnd also that everytime you tive your opinion about something, you have valid points. This will sound stupid but I do really like to read when you post something. As I said some days ago in your dm, I really would like to be close to you but at the same time I do feel like that will not occur or will not happen that easily because I am not that cool and well, I don't know, I feel like I would be that kind of person you would dislike easily. Something I promised this year and will keep till this new year is the tonw of love I give to you and the support you need as a powerful queen. <3

💖 @multidreams-and-desires

My baby sis that I love so much, always taking care of me ane telling me how much you love me :(( this year was amazing. Probably our talks are mostly about problems or just giving each other love. I'm happy that I met you because you are always kind and of course you have also those thirsty moments that all our Tumblr family have —that's why we all get along, we are a bunch of people that have Ateez as their weakness lol. Also, I need to mention that in this new year, you need to know that I'll be giving you more love so just wait for me <3

💖 @msmadness99

Seven, my lovely Seven ^^ First of all I need to mention the iconic moment we both noticed we talked in Spanish after months of always talking on English lol. I know some of your insecurities about your writings and I still want to let you know that when I say that your works are amazing, well written and calls the attention easily, I'm being honest and saying that not as your friend, I say that as a fan of your works. I don't know who tells you or makes you feel insecure about them but hey, is amazing. Even those short things you write and don't get me started with Break Out serie siendjdbdkdys Every time you update, you make me have my heart in my throat kduebwdkd You are very talented, don't let others make you think other way. I love you, Seven <3

I think that is all 👉🏼👈🏼

I hope you all receive this new year with a smile and always being positive ❤️

I’m so grateful for your support and love this year. May you have a prosperous, happy and healthy New Year.

May all your dreams come true in 2021! You got this!❤️

[princesslocket]

🥣 Made With Love 🥣

Hi hi! Before we get to the fanfic, I'd just like to say a big thank you to @ina11writingexchange for hosting this awesome writers exchange! I'm so glad to have been able to participate for this round as well as being given the opportunity to gift @hachuna yet another gift this year!

With that being said, I hope you enjoy this Hachuna! It was a lot of fun to write ((Btw this fic is also cross-posted on AO3 if anyone is interested in reading it there too! The link is in the title))

If anyone were to ask Endou Natsumi what her favorite pass time activity was, she’d automatically answer with “cooking!” and then excitedly list off all the dishes she had made within the past week. It always amazed her friends just how passionate she was about preparing food in the kitchen.

However, she hadn’t always been a fan of cooking.

Natsumi’s love for cooking had originated during her time spent managing the Raimon soccer team in her middle school years. In the beginning she had been quiet hesitant to even try making a rice ball but after she mastered the art of the rice ball, her love for cooking sparked almost instantaneously. It only took preparing a couple more meals before Natsumi was fully onboard with the idea of preparing food in general. It filled her with a sense of pride whenever she was able to witness the team enjoying the meals she, Haruna, and Aki made for them. The compliments they dished out were a great source of ego boosting as well, but she always made it point to stay humble. And even after the team graduated, leaving her with no one else to cook for, Natsumi continued to search up new recipes to try making for herself in the comfort of her own home.

Over the years her cooking had improved, albeit not as significantly as everyone had hoped for, but just enough to where she no longer mixed up the salt and sugars when she tried baking the occasional birthday cake. It was a subtle yet profound type of improvement that left Endou that much more hopeful for their future meals seeing as he had married her not too long after her cooking had started to improve.

One thing that really helped Natsumi improve in her cooking was through the aid of an old looking cook book she just so happened to borrow from Endou! She’d seen the book several times laying in various places throughout their house but had never bothered to look through it until one day when her curiosity got the better of her and she found herself rejoicing at all the cool looking recipes inside. Oh the joy she felt while flipping through the pages was almost too good. How had she not opened the book sooner?

Following the days upon opening the cook book, Natsumi happily followed the messily written instructions provided by the cook book to prepare dishes that she could only assume had been passed down from Endou’s family. She would later find out from Endou himself that the cook book she had been using was actually Endou Daisuke’s hissatsu manual. The discovery came as quiet a shook to Natsumi seeing as she had been following the instructions of the book for several weeks, even going as far to serving a boy named Matsukaze Tenma some of said dishes as well. But all Endou could do was laugh at the situation they found themselves in.

“You mean to tell me that this really isn’t the kanji for egg?”

“I’m positive, Natsumi. These are the instructions for God Hand- Wait a second! How were even able to mistake this for a cook book? I thought you knew what Daisuke’s hissatsu manual looked like?”

“It’s been a while since I last saw it okay!”

Even after the discovery of the ‘cook book’s’ true nature was revealed Natsumi continued to use it. Admittedly, the food Natsumi made following the hissatsu manual never inherently tasted terribly bad. So what harm was there in letting her continue to use it? As long as Endou was there to assist her with some of the misinterpreted kanji of the book, everything was fine.

Unfortunately, not all good things lasted forever. On one particular day an unforeseen disaster appeared out of nowhere…

Natsumi had been preparing dinner in the kitchen when it happened. She hadn’t thought anything of it at first. Ever since Endou took over as Raimon’s coach, he would occasionally return home late, so why would this time be any different? As the minutes ticked by Natsumi continued to prepare dinner. While she maneuvered around the kitchen she kept herself entertained with the quiet sound of the T.V. playing in the background.

Although she usually paid no mind to what the news anchors were saying, something about that night in particular urged her to listen carefully. She had been cutting away at a bundle of carrots when a certain news report caught her attention. Although they weren’t showing video footage of the incident taking place, the news anchors reported a massive car crash near Raimon.

Upon hearing the name of the school, Natsumi put all food to the side and quickly ran to her phone, dialing up Endou to ask if he was still at the school. Knowing her husband, he would most likely be assisting whoever had been unfortunate enough to get hurt outside of their old school. But when he didn’t answer her first, second, or third call, Natsumi began to worry. The news anchors wouldn’t disclose the names of the people involved in the accident, nor would they show the faces of anyone other than the reporter on duty. They did, however, announce the arrival of special dispatched services on the scene as well as the name of the hospital the heavily injured were being taken to.

After a while Natsumi’s phone began to ring, which she immediately answered. Letting out a sigh of relief, Natsumi pressed the phone to her ear, ready to hear Endou’s cheerful voice. With everything appearing to be taken care of on screen, Endou was surely going to fill her in on everything that had happed. It was a good thing she had prepared so much food for the night!

“Natsumi, it’s Kidou, we don’t have much time- It’s Endou… He got into a car crash and- You need to hurry. An ambulance is already taking him to the hospital but… I’ll fill you in on everything once you get here-“

“I’m on the way.”

Within seconds Natsumi was already racing out of the house, dinner abandoned in the kitchen and T.V still playing quietly in the background. She did everything in her power to get to the hospital as fast as she could but it was too late. By the time she came rushing in through the hospital doors, Endou had been pronounced dead.

Time flashed by in a blur following Endou’s death. His funeral came and went, the days following blended together a little too seamlessly and Natsumi’s love for cooking diminished along with her once cheery life. Without Endou around, she no longer held the motivation to prepare any kind of meal in or out of the kitchen. Even when Haruna, Aki, and Fuyuka tried to rekindle their little cooking arties, Natsumi couldn’t bring herself to make anything. Everything she had ever made was out of her love for Endou.

As time went by, Natsumi slowly began to store her cooking utensils away. If she wasn’t going to be cooking anymore, than why bother keep them out in the open to collect dust?

She was in the middle of labeling a soon to be packed away box of kitchen ladles one day when the sound of knocking stopped her. Setting her marker to the side, Natsumi walked to the front door. Her knees nearly buckled when she gazed out the peep hole to see who was outside.

Standing just outside the door was Endou… But it couldn’t be him, right? He had passed away months ago. She had gone to his funeral and everything! There was no way her could possibly be standing outside. As she was thinking these thoughts an almost indescribable feeling washed over her. Suddenly she couldn’t remember attending a funeral nor could she remember why she had started packing away all her cooking supplies. It was as if she was just now waking up from some type of horrible nightmare, a nightmare had clouded over her real life for the past several months.

Whatever nightmare she been under was finally over. Any trace of sadness and despair melted away the longer she stared at Endou. Instead, the feelings were replaced with joy and relief. Although the sudden change in feelings were a little unexpected, they weren’t unwelcomed. In fact she was all the happier to embrace them!

Not wanting to keep Endou waiting any longer, Natsumi decidedly threw the door open, startling Endou as it swung to the side, and proceeded to jumping into the arms of the man in front of her.

“Mamoru!” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she pressed herself as tightly as she could to her husband. “I can’t explain it but it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever! Where have you been all day?”

“Woah! I missed you too! Oh man, Natsumi, you wouldn’t believe all the crazy things that happened to me ‘today.’ I’ve got so much to tell you but, uh, I think it’d be best if we went inside first.” Contradictory to his own words, Endou hugged Natsumi even closer to himself, thus rendering any attempt to head into the house useless.

For several long minutes the two stood outside their house, hugging each other, and exchanging a few words before wither one of them made any real attempts to pull away. But when they did, it was Natsumi who moved away. She waisted no time in dragging Endou inside and towards their dining room table, pulling out a chair for him to sit in and then rushing off towards their refrigerator in search of something for them to eat.

Strangely enough, the refrigerator was once again filled with an abundance of food Natsumi had almost no recollection of buying. She glanced a look to Endou, who at first made no comment, but as soon as she turned her back had heard the faintest of words from him.

“I guess time really did reset itself.”

From that day on life returned to normal, or as normal as it could be with Natsumi knowing her ‘nightmare’ had in fact been real but was now a part of a separate timeline of sorts. But seeing as their current timeline was restored, Natsumi decidedly let her supposed bad months drift away.

She started cooking again, only this time she followed tutorials online through YouTube and an odd app called TikTok. When Endou asked why she was following so many different cooking videos, Natsumi would claim that “the hissatsu manual could only offer so much.”

Despite her best efforts her cooking still left much to be desired from. But Endou never truly cared about the overall outcome of the food he’d be offered.

“It’s the thought counts.” He’d tell himself whenever a dish was placed in front of him. “If it’s for Natsumi, I’d gladly eat a thousand more meals of her cooking- I’d do anything to make her happy.”

[foibles-fables]

if you're still up for some director's commentary I'd love some thoughts on I'll Carry You With Me (Just Please Hold On)

oooOOHh we are reaching back into the vaults for this one, and I absolutely adore it.

I'll Carry You With Me (Just Please Hold On) was kind of...the swan song for the previous iteration of my fandom self, I suppose? It was the last Big Thing I wrote before going on a very long hiatus--and to this day it's a ridiculously meaningful piece for me. Mostly because of the weird liminal situation I was in while it was being written: preparing to graduate from high school, experiencing my first CRAZY romantic feelings for another woman, getting ready to say goodbye to the first phase of my life, and just generally feeling like I was at some launching point to something totally unknown. Seeker really moored me throughout that time, and--god, it sounds cheesy--that fandom was instrumental in shaping me into the person I am today.

Does the fic hold up after eleven years, now? I'd like to think so. After all, it spawned a sequel that churned in my head until I finally started writing it last year (thanks to a horrible global pandemic, and Tab and B's instagram live). It's been fascinating to revisit it and see how my writing style has (and has not) changed in the decade between the two installments, during which I wrote nothing but research papers and tiny things for a one-off creative writing college course. I brushed it up minimally when I rescued it from Livejournal to post on AO3 in 2019, but most of what you're reading there is the raw product as presented by baby gay Foibles.

Specific passages I'd like to talk about? Lemme skim it...

Kahlan was starting to fidget in her sleep, legs twitching, hands grasping at the blanket. Tiny noises that might as well have set Cara's heart on fire came from her throat. Her eyes were still closed; her face was contorting in her dream and passing the wayward pine. Fear, happiness, sadness, anger – Cara couldn't tell. She also didn't care. She only knew she wanted to be closer to her.

She tossed a wary glance from side to side and then behind before she realized how idiotic the caution was. Who was going to see her?

So she lay behind Kahlan, drawing near to her, curling against her back. Her knees, bent, fit snugly into the space created by Kahlan's. Cara couldn't stand the way she noticed that the grooves of their bodies matched. Her face was buried in the Mother Confessor's silky hair, and her hand skirted down Kahlan's arm from her shoulder, always touching but never applying waking pressure, if only to prove to herself that she could be that gentle. Her fingers reached Kahlan's wrist, which she held in a loose grasp. Defenses lowered, she felt naked, but wasn't that how this was supposed to be done?

Kahlan responded to this new source of warmth with a contented sigh, dreaming through the contact. Simultaneous shame and jealousy slammed into her. She knew Kahlan wasn't feeling her arms in her dream. She felt empty, selfish, and she was too proud for this, but she also wanted to hold Kahlan too badly to move away. She felt her, breathed her, swore she could taste her.

If this was all she could ever have, she would take it.

But.

"Cara," Kahlan breathed, still existing in a world without any semblance of lucidity, speaking through her dream. Tenderness, gratitude, and affection seeped from the soft exhalation of the name, threatening to drown her. Too much, not enough, all at once.

After the initial wave of disbelief, Cara did not even bother trying to stop the smile from spreading across her face.

HAHAHA, oh okay yes, I wrote this part during my independent study AP Bio class and made myself cry

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

📷I took five minutes to vacuum my closet the other day. It was part of my routine cleaning, no big deal. It was just a quick thing to check off on my cleaning list. I removed some boxes of stuff in the bottom, a few pairs of slippers, and vacuumed. I replaced the stuff and went on with my---

No. I didn't.

No, I looked at the bottom of the closet in a state of shock and burst out laughing.

I have spent a large portion of my life trying to get organized. When I was a child, "cleaning my room" really did mean tossing everything I could think of where to put it in a closet so that it looked tidy when Mom poked her head in. I was the child with the cubby under the desk in grade school so stuffed with papers and junk that it was simply impossible to add or find anything.

This level of disorganization bothered and embarrassed me. It really hurt and made me feel like a failure.

As a teenager, my backpack also became a mess of papers, random items, books, and paraphernalia (no, not that kind. In many ways, I was hopelessly square)

As an adult, it wasn't much better. My desk was full of bills to be paid, papers I didn't want to face, things that were vaguely sentimental but not enough to display anywhere. My closet?

That was still the place where I hid stuff I didn't have a place for but wanted the room at least to appear a little tidy.

How long from a stuffed closet to a tidy closet?

It took about thirty years.

I wasted a lot of that time, though. I addressed it in cycles. "Starting now, I'm finally going to get organized!" I'd spend several hours a day over a few weeks cleaning, organizing, and playing possessions Tetris with my home. After a month or so, know what? The house would look great!

Then, inevitably, the house would no longer look great. I'd clean the kitchen well enough to prevent food poisoning, but more than that? Not so much.

Ever done that? C'mon, it's okay. We all have.

Being tidy over time is all about consistent action.

You can, indeed, get the house clean with heroic effort, just as you can work really hard to train for an athletic event.

The problem comes in when you do something intense for a short period. As I mentioned in my last post, heroic effort is unsustainable.

Several of my favorite housekeeping systems (Flylady and Unfuck Your Habitat) talk about starting very small – shining your sink or making your bed. They are so right!

It's not about getting tidied or organized quickly. It's about developing consistent habits. For a lot of people, that's enough.

But for some…

Executive dysfunction can interfere with consistency.

If you have organizational or distraction issues, habits may not be enough. Autism, ADHD, and a host of other neurodivergent issues centered around executive dysfunction make it hard to do things that seem pretty obvious to the neurotypical person. What? You need to wash the dishes after a meal? No kidding. Go do it!

As I was writing this article, I broke for dinner. Guess what is in my sink right now?

I thought about it, got up, scrubbed the pan a little, realized it needed to soak some more, and sat back down here to write. Sure, sure, I'll get to it after I finish this, no biggie. But if my sink was full of dishes other than that pan, if I had laundry on my sofa, a desk drawer full of unaddressed bills, and my phone beeping that I needed to get up and get my car to the garage to get the brakes done, would I be getting back to that pan in any reasonable amount of time?

*Hollow laugh*

People with executive dysfunction issues can find their problems painful.

Maybe some people laugh and think it's cute to be disorganized. It never felt cute to me. It hurt because I had a hard time doing what I wanted to do. I was utterly desperate to get my life under control. Completely and utterly desperate from the time I was nine years old. That's a heavy load.

Jokes about executive dysfunction aren't cute.

I know the whole "squirrel!" joke about distractibility is mean to make people feel better and okay with themselves. I never wanted to be okay with chaos. I wanted the chaos to stop. It hurt. It interfered with accomplishing what I wanted to. It was exhausting. It used up time I wanted to spend on other things. I wanted a clean canvas so that when I jumped from obsession to obsession to obsession, I could feel like I was using that time intelligently rather than as a distraction from things that were bothering me.

Late fees, court cases, and lost jobs aren't cute, either.

There's an ADHD vlogger that I really like named Jessica McCabe. She's brilliant and adorable, and being a little bit of the manic pixie thing is part of her brand. It gets people to listen to broad issues of executive dysfunction. People will accept and listen to that stuff sometimes and find it palatable if someone is small and young and cute. (She's a LOT older than her looks or mannerisms would indicate, by the way).

So, the brilliant part. Quite sure McCabe knows what she's doing with that because sometimes she drops the adorable thing. The pain of being disorganized or having a hard time directing attention is very, very clear. If she weren't so cute, it would be unlikely as many people would listen to the important things she is saying. There's more to her than cute by a long shot. (And don't get me started on the sexism of it).

But that whole "cute" thing about disorganization. It's not so cute when unpaid bills land you in court. That has happened to me. With money in the BANK, that has happened to me! (Or without money. *shrugs* That, too). It's not cute when you have to buy a car at interest rates that are close to what you'd pay on a credit card. Yeah, that's happened, too. That we're in good financial shape now is a miracle.

There is a cultural narrative of *giggle* *giggle* "I'm so distractable!" to try to ameliorate the pain of being disorganized. Know what? It's not funny. It hurts.

Proscriptive solutions won't work.

I use a Bullet Journal just about with the out-of-the-box method that Ryder Carrol posted in that first video he did about it. I tried it, and it clicked.

Know what wouldn't have clicked? Someone making me do it when I was fifteen.

This is where you, if you have problems with executive dysfunction, might wonder if I can provide an answer for you. Know what? I can't.

I can say, "You need a Bullet Journal." I mean, I'll think it. I wouldn't say it. Know why? It won't necessarily work for you.

What I will say is that you need to find methods that work for you.

"Okay, smartybrat," I hear you cry, "if you can't offer a solution, what do I do?"

Create systems that support you

This is going to look different depending on how you think. Does a beepy reminder go bing! and prompt you to do stuff? Do you like to have a menu of tasks that you choose from depending on how easily they grab your attention in the moment?

What primes you to take action?

What plans have you followed through on (c'mon, you do have some if you're alive past 20), and what about them made you feel good?

My husband doesn't use a Bullet Journal. He plans his day using a calendar app. If there's an interrupt to a task, he'll move it to another free time. When you first try this, I strongly encourage you to multiply your estimation of task time by at least four until you get good at estimating how long something will take. If you have executive dysfunction issues you're struggling with, I'd bet at least a nickel that you're not good at estimating how long things take yet.

What stops you from taking action? Can you remove the interrupts?

A simple example would be to take the dirty clothes hamper's lid off if that's enough to discourage you from tossing your clothes in the hamper. Still, I'm not talking about "Tips 'n Tricks" here. I hate tips 'n tricks! They're like taking a Tylenol when you cut off your leg. You need to extrapolate that to life systems to support how you want to live.

Your system is useless until you define "good enough."

I could skip the next two or three times I need to vacuum my closet, and I wouldn't care. If I get to it every year or so, it's absolutely good enough. "Good enough" means I address my paperwork file once a week and clear it out. I don't have to do it every day unless I feel like it. "Good enough" is walking for five minutes on the hour around my living room until I get my 10,000 steps in. I don't have to walk for three miles unless I want to. "Good enough" is spreading up the bed and tossing the shams at the head. I don't have to bounce a quarter off the damn thing unless I get a wild hare to do that sometimes. Don't give yourself an image of perfection you have to attain, or you'll do nothing.

It's okay for "good enough" to change

Remember how it took thirty years to get to vacuuming a closet? There was a time when that chore wasn't on the "good enough" list, and ya know what? That's fine. Have your "good enough" be slightly, but only slightly, ahead of what you're currently doing if you want to make improvements. Incremental improvements over time, and I mean decades, are pretty dramatic when you look back.

Good enough can stay good enough

My exercise parameters have me getting in an average of 10,000 steps a day as measured over a month. That is never going to change. If the Spirit moves me, I'll do more. But I'm not going to keep raising the bar over and over and over. This is it. I'm good. I'm maintaining.

It takes decades to get your life in order. What small thing will you do today?