#// but i dont have that kind of time anymore tbh
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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hello long vent / kinda updates ( in tags for both ) & also i love you all sm
#life is hard man#i cant socialize for shit#i appreciate everyone whose been reaching out to me and stuff#i wanna clarify my lack of responses is due to the mess that is my life rn#but also im autistic as hell and bad at messaging#tbh#i just have lots of trauma / problems there so communication is really difficult for me#and i am not sure how to navigate it#im doing my best but it is so hard#im not good at messaging back or knowing what to say etc#its been really hard#im an anxious mess most days#and its honestly not getting better its getting worse#i have lots of untreated mental stuff going on#managed to do a screening yesterday so the ball is rolling but its slow & im out of time#rn my partner + friends & wrestling are whats getting me through this#like aside from my cat and a junk drawer full of small things thats about what i got#and life is not very kind to me / us#feels like its working against us actively tbh#and theres some family stuff that went down thats intense#after my nightmare day at all out. i learned a lot more about my place in my family that i didnt really wanna learn rn#so i am. a mess#all my problems are literally so severe i cannot function. i cant do tasks. i cant think. i literally have panic attacks over everything#anxiety attacks that last whole days or hours cause my skin just stays shaking and wrong#my ocd is unbearable#and i cant leave my house really anymore#and select moments i can but. i dont even have those anymore really#i wish i could explain the mess of how bad im doing and also express the gratitude for the people still around#or the people checking in#i am trying to! i am still trying.
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trying to find some oldass drawings of one of my first sonas i havent been able to find em yet but instead ive just been unearthing all these old notes an ex friend and i would pass to each other back in middle school
#fucking insane i forgot abt a lot of these. i feel kinda bad keeping them that person kind offfff completely ruined my and many of my#friends lives but also. theyre kinda funny to look back on idk#theres one they made that was like ‘i drew the 2 of us as guys haha no reason lol’. idk how he identifies now but back then they were#very very openly a lesbian and last time id heard of him he had transed his gender#i remmeber . so clearly feeling some kinda way abt the art i couldnt articulate at all at the time. Lol#god that whole situation was so fucked im not gonna get into all my personal middle school bullshit becuz it was soooo stupid but like. man#insane#i know ive always been kind of a pushover ill admit but its soooo frustrating looking back like. man..HOW did i just not say anything at al#i wouldnt have gotten into that whole mess if id just been honest 😭 i mean tbh that guy was . i dont want to say anything too like . awful#he was going through a lot absolutely had his own issues they were working thruwe were all like 12 but again .#completely ruined me nd my friends lives for a while . i feel like he wouldve just pulled rhe same thing w someone else as the main target#okay no i need to stop talking abt this i said i wouldnt over share#its mostly just funny seeing all the old art tbh. most of it was before shit got bad so its sorta bittersweet in a way#inquisitivewaltz.txt#i dint know why im talkign abt this sorry#this is honestly something i think abt a lot sometimes . especially the stupider nd more mundane bits#but it was such an awful part of all out lives i cant really discuss it much w friends#everyone else has a much more ‘thank god were not in that anymore now lets pretend it never happened’ outlook on it which is understandable#idk#sorry im oversharing again i need to start keeping a journal or some shit
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so proud of myself for putting a big part of my last paycheck in my savings like an adult but now im gonna spend all my savings like an idiot 😵💫
#i mean i am paying cash for my first vehicle which is like...adulting pro level but....at what cost (the price) 😭#also its a very cheap rusty old car tbh but i need a truck for the farm basically#so even tho i could keep driving my dad's car to work since he works from home it makes sense#especially bc its three people sharing that car with me and my brother#and my little brother is a full time student w no job so im the full time employed one so i should be the one to get a car#but i was determined to not take out a loan so its not a super nice car#but i'm buying it from a friend of my mom at a steal basically#like who sells a decent working car for 1500 anymore#but thats literally my entire savings so.... 😬#no car payment tho which will be nice but aaaaaaaaa#and im worried its kind of a junky car and will need tons of repaira all the time and not be reliable#but my commute is really short and i never drive anywhere besides work which is good for an unreliable car#im not convinced its a great investment to put all my savings into an unreliable vehicle but my parents told me its a good investment so#😬👍#adulting yayyyyy#i am getting paid this friday tho so my savings wont be so alarmingly empty for long#but i have other big expenses so im stressed#however it is a nice christmassy red pickup truck which is good for a christmas tree farm#but last payday i was like why do i have so little money in my savings thats dumb and not very grown up im gonna put as much as i can spare#then a week later withdrew almost all of it for the car 🤡#possibly a stupid decision#but maybe a great one idk#and it saves my parents having to buy a trailer for my mom's car for farm stuff so they're gifting me $300 towards it#and it will be satisfying to buy it outright and have no debt on it#but oof it hurts so much to make big purchases#i've never spent this much money except on tuition#i dont know that its specially unreliable i just know its got rust and duct tape and they're selling it bc they'd rather have a car payment#bc they put more money into it than its worth#but its got new tires and brakes and passed inspection somehow with the rust sooo? maybe its not as bad as it looks 😂
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#whats so disturbing. mostly bc i used to be so content being independent#is that whenever im somewhere. be it alone. or with other ppl. i always wish he was with me NXJZJZJZMMZMZMZZMMZ#LIKE THAT IS SO........... XJJZJKZKZKZK GOD#i went to like. a market today n the whole time i was like... man itd have been so fun if he was here ..... JDJSJZJZM GOD#i have it so bad#but i was always like. if i find someone i like hangjng out with more than i like being by myself... obvi thats the person for me#but when i said that. i kind of assumed that was an Impossibility but oh the turn tables JJXJXJXMXJZJZM#n e way. its just me writing another lovesick post JDJDMJDJDJDJS#personal#im getting close to making a move i think. but kind of want to settle in my job first. and like jddjddjjkdk he Knows i just got one after#looking for a long time so i think hes like. understanding that we havent seen each other Njdjdjz LOL IDK. im just assuming#we have talked consistently every week tho since i last saw him. which is pretty good for us tbh#idk i like that we dont have to talk all the time. i always hated when guys message constantly JDNDJDNZNDN like leave me alone i have a life#JDJDJDJSJZMZ#but yeah... im not worried anymore nor do i feel the need to constantly validate whether he likes me or not. i think at this point its...#clear JDJDJDJJDKXKXJX#WATCH ME BE WRONG LMAO GOD.#ah well... things will turn out how they turn out
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aaahhhhh i forgot how much this woman aggravates me😀
#so legally im pretty sure that we need x hours of rest aka quiet time. and before this yr we had 30 minutes more than was legally necessary#for unrelated reasons they decided to push it back half an hour for everyone except for the youngest kids#the youngest kids are close by the office. but IM closer. so i hear everything#i have complained multiple times about the noise. that this woman lets kids stay in the office past bedtime talking w her#while im trying to sleep (or study etc)#the security guards dont give a shit either. they have aragonese intonation and voice. which means they are LOUD as fuck.#but they dont try to lower their voices. what makes me the maddest tho is this woman#she puts a façade of being super kind and caring abt everyone. but when i complain. nothing. 'oh im so sorry ur right. it wont happen again#rinse and repeat the next day and the next week and the next month#llike if they tried to keep the volume down i wouldnt complain as much. but not only can /i/ hear them. the entire floor can hear them#and there are kids that are supposed to have been sleeping for an hour already. and i dont think this is helping AT ALL.#and i cant complain anymore bc its like. the director does nothing. he just says 'hey theres been noise complaints' and thats IT#hes not very good at being imposing like a director is supposed to be😭he kinda... lets everyone walk over him tbh#z xarre
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#honestly they moved me to a different office right now so im not alone in my place anymore and tbh i should not be complaining bc at least#this one gets warn fast and im not in the open first to call usually and all but idk i feel like an intruder there and miss having lots of#place and the fact noone seen my screen etc and just overall i would prefer sitting next to the guys but also 😶 idk i just dont like anyone#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always#called the smaller mistakes this too i guess shskd also i almsof argued with a man who's our client on the phone but for gods sake i do know#i am right and idk if he's making me feel stupid or something or is he using one of my mistakes for his own good idk idk idk it will be a#nightmare to make this work now#and also we are having some kind of meeting with food etc tomorrow in the office upstairs but also rhe atmosphere is so not it and dudes not#at work tomorrow and he should be the one in there and like idk it all works like a fucked up chaos i also almost argued with the d irector#today bc of this lmao almost on dude's behalf bc tht waa the situation that pissed me off first#and i got to walk or catch a bus home tomorrow and like my mind does work so fast and keeps overthinking lately 😕#walking isnt the best best for me tbh#also i made plans with my friend and i do hope i open to her during the weekend bc i want to talk about everything so badly but at the same#time idk like i cant talk about personal things anymore (except here) she doesn't know what is making w suffer 😔#i think i made a decision about monday tho not the best one but both were bad so at least here i am...#anyone i am still helpless and that's what the sentence will end at bc i don't want to say the same thing again and again and again#anywya i have to delete this bc its too much details soon
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#anyways im still mad today but its not lingering in my head like it was yesterday#thank fucking god for that lmfao#the more i think about it the more i realize that theres really no reason to be that upset bc yeah it sucks to lose#someone so close to me like that but......she was not afraid to give me red flags even when we were in a good place#and tbh this felt like a huge neon sign screaming get out while you can#and if the other girls we were friends with want nothing to do with me after this i honestly really do not care#i didnt see them often anyways and the one is basically still a teenager who drove me nuts 95% of the time#and the other 2 dont get into drama at all so i doubt they feel any type of way about me considering neither of them are that kind of person#im more annoyed that she did this right before we had plans for one of the girls birthdays and i have a feeling thats not happening anymore#i keep wanting to ask if were still doing anything but i would actually rather die than see b so..........no thank you#even if they do say anything ive already made other plans for tomorrow so......oh well#i feel so much less insane when everyone says i didnt do anything and its scaring me that i keep thinking back to the time era she accused#me of saying shit during and im like ???? i dont remember saying that. did i say that?? did i say you shouldnt have had your kid and i just#dont remember??? did i say we hang out to escape him and i just dont remember???? and all i can think of is false memories and a situation#where someone else said those things to me in that same time period. anyways i dont know why anyone would remember that specific of wording#if it wasnt to just be used as ammo later. but i genuinely dont remember saying any of that shit esp not that recently?????#and b is ungodly great at gaslighting and she also takes shit at face value and doesnt seek further info if shes not doing okay#so im just.....yeah im taking this as my sign#and to eliza from february.....bitch did i say any of that because i do not fucking remember it#self
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you know since the ao3 anon i've been looking into vps prices. tbh i think trying to get my own ao3 instance up and running would be a pretty fun personal project. seems like some vps services can be really cheap per month so i could just pay for a months worth of server usage and try get ao3 running on the server just to see if i can and then cancel my subscription once it's done. i guess i wouldn't mind keeping it up if i can keep it <£5/month (i stumbled across one service that claims <£1/month but i'd have to do more research not just go with the cheapest advertised price lol) but i dont think anyone else would use it regularly judging by the lack of response to my answer to yesterday's anon. i feel like the bare minimum for me to want to keep my own instance up is if one (1) person who actually gets readership also semi-regularly uploads fic to the instance
#ive been thinking about trying to publish some of my short stories (for free im never charging for intellectual 'property') online tbf#but i dont think id want to put it on an ao3 clone cause id want to publish under my pen name not under my regular social media username#like i wouldnt want it to be connected to my tumblr or whatever#and i dont write fanfic anymore. not opposed to it i just have no interest#if someone else wanted to use it and they actually got readership onto the site i wouldnt mind continuing to host it for them tbh#but yeah if i tried setting it up id probably just end up deleting the instance once ive had my fun setting it up#also i still am quite firmly against fundraising for this even if there were demand for it bc thats really just unjustifiable when so many#palestinians are struggling to fundraise for crossing the border and leaving gaza#i couldnt in good conscience fundraise for a fanfiction site at the same time even if people were willing to donate#so i wouldnt have the site at the kind of scale where i cant fully cover costs out of pocket (or maybe me jointly with some other ppl who#help run the site)#anyway this is how i entertain myself these days i guess. amateur sysadmining
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tbh once i get Space Going [tm] it would be cool to get back to linocut/screenprinting. I miss the more physical arts that dont have me up for over 24 hours in an arguably insane state working on a project that'll get dropped within seconds after i take a break bc my brain decided its not good/theres no point to it
BUUUT more importantly i wonder. just how viable it would be as a printing method for me. I'd need a rack to dry things on, but it could be cool to sell some small linos whenever I get to opening up shop. My linos have always been more consistent than my screenprints when it comes to making a series, but I really do prefer screenprinting...
(and lithography isnt viable at this time bc i do NOT have the necessary chemicals/kitchen lithography doesnt work anymore apparently??)
#i HAVE to finish this blender model now. sunk cost fallacy save me#chatty today it seems! a rarity from me! i am usually hiding in a hole too scared to do that!#i dont think anime/game fans rlly have a. desire or want for those kinds of printing styles tbh?#and my linos tend to border on blasphemous idolstry and nudity (depending on the day usually)#so idk! but it would be neat. i like carving things#tbh i wanna learn to get meticulous about it bc theres a specific artist who's work i like n i wanna get mine like here#but. alas. humidity maybhavr a factor#also kitchen litho needs an acrylic paint an oily pencil or sharpie (i think?) coca cola and water. you use the coke to etch alukinum foil#but we tried several times n couldnt get it to work#kitchen litho relies on the acids and gum arabic in soda but maybe coke doesnt have gum arabic anymore? or foil is unetchable now?#in terms of acrylic olate: drypoints are fun and i saved a bunch of garbage plexiglass sheets for the purpose of doing more drypoints#but! those def arent for seling tbh. the line quality isnt as good as it is on other materials#ALSO intaglio is STRAIGHT out. too many chemicals and i am never rocking a plate like that for minimal payoff ever again
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Want to share thoughts but the person I want to shovel them to is off limits rn
#I like the idea of Addam having custom painted shoes like Hades and Persephone#but instead of her custom painting them Eve did it for her#And I was thinking of Magic Kids being really scary because they can use so much magic they kill themselves#but unlike adults they dont know theyre doing it so they cant stop in time#I also a little want to give Sable and Benny a dog that's black and white and named after an orca. but i guess not that last part if its ben#although tbh they live in an apartment i dont know if they should have a dog#and i a little want to give Sable complications with Aggie#just like a hemorrhage while shes in labour that they miss because its kind of just slow and steady#but then as they hand her her baby she flatlines#it scares Benny. She doesn't know if she wants a second baby anymore#maybe even like have it be multiples but she loses all but aggie#it could be twins or triplets#on one hand it would be interesting if Sable flatlining is what caused her to lose one or two babies. priority and all that.#on the other hand i was kind of picturing Benny being like “oh no scary i dont want to lose you maybe no more baby”#and sables just like pffft i only almost died#im fine Aggies fine it probably wont happen i think we should have another baby#i dont think she'd do that if she had to bury one or two babies#catipillar if you see this just know that if our conversation dies down and i dont feel bad about it i might reiterate this into your dms#jamie shut the fuck up#personal blog#just vibing#rambling
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KInda having some issues with something my friend said last night and i want to move past it but cant stop thinking about it
#so basically my friend who ive had since freshman year of hs said something on the phone that really doesnt sit right with me#shes gotten into christianity and she didnt grow up christian but she met some christian friends who have kind of gotten her into it#and she talks about it a lot#i dont know much about the actual church itself but it seems to me like theyre sort of pressuring her into it and dare i say...#...indoctrinating her#like i dont get it she was never particularly religious but now shes getting all serious about this stuff and how she doesnt want to go...#...to hell and wants to get baptized and all that stuff#shes also alluded to this churchs interpretation of scripture as not lgbt friendly#from what shes said it very much gives love the sinner hate the sin vibes#and the issue at hand here is that they believe that conversion is possible and necessary in order to live a life free of sin or something#at least this is what i get from what shes told me#and she was telling me about how people get baptized and say they arent gay anymore and i just said i dont believe that for a second#and she said well its true#and i told her that i believe these people SAY that they arent gay but theres no way they were actually converted its not possible#and explained basically that people can lie about their sexuality and often do out of pressure to perform heterosexuality#but tbh i was kinda thrown off so i dont think i was particularly well spoken in explaining and the examples i gave from my own life didnt.#...really illustrate what i was trying to say and i didnt do a great job of making that connection between my examples and the point i was.#...trying to prove#tbh i didnt think much of it at the time i just kind of moved on but today i cant stop thinking about it#its so frustrating to me how she just takes things at face value and doesnt think to look below the surface#ive been waiting for this whole christianity thing to run its course with her and at one point it seemed like she was done with it but...#...shes gone right back#and now shes telling my about considering becoming baptized and stuff#and how her parents dont approve and all that stuff#and im just like i feel like shes being lost to conservative christian ideology#even though she doesnt seem to recognize it as such#but like idk what to even say or how to confront her#she doesnt even know my sexuality and i dont want to out myself in explaining why these things from the church are harmful to me as her...#...friend#she knows im not straight i came out to her as asexual back in high school
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// whatif. i started using madoka kaname icons for yukiko.
#ooc#// when i started this blog i had a ton of free time on my hands. hence why i did make some icons on my own#// but i dont have that kind of time anymore tbh#// and madoka is the only pigtailed anime girl i can think of with the right kind of expressions for yukiko#// maybe homura could fit yuu kun. idk we'll see
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yaaaay. yet another normal family life focused DLC for the sims 4, featuring even more plain modern clothing and furniture. would it kill them to make some vintage options???
#would it kill them to make an occult expansion.#would it kill them to let us have a mystical world with more than five lots in it.#would all the employees spontaneously combust and die a horrific fiery death if they added some victorian clothes to the game jesus christ#8lah#im kind of pissed tbh because fucking again#would it KILL THEM to let us have an occult themed world with more than Five Fucking Lots to build on.#would they die. would they explode into a shower of gore. would they lose all their customers#like i understand that a lot of sims players play it as a family simulation but i hate doing that i always have aging off#i get too frustrated with my sims having to piss all the time for me to allow them to have their needs go down#theyre pristine little dolls that i take out to dress up and play out angsty teen dramas with#im sure that theres plenty of people who would really enjoy a mystical world with more lots idk#i dont have their dlc sales numbers.#anyway im betting 50 on the new expansions world being a boring ass suburban place that looks identical to all the other#boring ass suburban worlds in the game. idc anymore#if you dont enjoy this post or my opinions you have the option of blocking me btw. you dont have to argue
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#so lmao. i think im like. officially done with making gifs JDJDJDJDJJDJDJDD#i just..... i dont have the will to do it anymore lmaooooooooo#freeing tbh. bc for a long time i couldnt watch something without planning out a gif set (or several) qhich like#tbh kind of took the enjoyment out of things....#n e way HDHDJJDJDDJJDJ#personal
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i hate saying this bc i know some people are 100% gonna hate me for this but it is kinda crazy how much they have changed over the years, i recently started rewatching their old videos all over again and they don’t even sound like the same people. they used to be so authentic and homemade and unlike any other youtuber, and i get it people change over time and you can’t stop that of course but they have DRASTICALLY changed. nick was so sweet and loving and cared about all his fans and now he js screams at us and is kinda mean tbh and i understand it’s all for the video and he doesn’t mean anything he says but years ago he would thank us every video and he was just so happy and kind, i don’t think chris has barely changed he’s still the sweetest and silliest out of the three and isn’t really that rude to anyone, but when chris is pissed he is really pissed like he will not hold back, like in that one stream when he was angry the whole time and told matt to euthanise nick, but matts definitely changed the most, he went from being a shy introvert which was still really loud and funny when he wanted to be, to lowk being a obnoxious extrovert, he isn’t really the quiet sweet cute matt anymore and that’s fine i understand growing up but just because you’ve matured doesn’t mean you can’t still be nice, and he obviously does have his moments when he’s kind and loving still but most of the time he’s screaming and calling everyone annoying. lowk if old fetus matt saw himself rn as like a different person i dont think he would like him or want to be friends w him, all he tries to do now is just be nonchalant and mysterious like babe your still the same person who used to kiss the camera goodbye. sometimes i genuinely struggle to watch the videos because of all the arguing and shouting and i get it their brothers, i have siblings i know, but they used to have funny light hearted arguments and now it’s like full out big ass disagreements that make it difficult to watch
also lemme js add about the tiktoks, they used to be so random and funny and just filming randomly and now their all just thirst traps or lip syncing😭😭
one more thing, the way nicks lowk kinda ableist.. the schizophrenic comment, the autism stimming comment, the lack of empathy for people who suffer with epilepsy, etc..
anyway i js wanted to put my thoughts on paper so it isnt trapped in my head. you don’t have to agree with me i just wanted to state my opinion whether you agree or not is your choice !!
love u all
#— lia talks ! ˖ . ݁𝜗𝜚. ݁₊#sturniolo triplets#christopher sturniolo#sturniolo#sturniolo edit#sturniolo fandom#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo fluff#sturniolo imagine#sturniolo x reader
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