#+ not really knowing why i was doing it in the first place. cuz the pacing is so ass
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literally having the worst day ever and i cant ever be happy (has only experienced minor inconveniences today but they keep adding up)
#first of all i didnt get a lot of sleep so im mad tired#second of all the place i usually get lunch on campus said they werent doing bagels at the moment and it ruined me#cuz i was soooo excited to get bagels#third of all i was already cranky so i got all in my feels last night#so i had a dream where my gf who isnt my gf and saw each other on one fo the campuses and she was w her friends#at one point we were both leaving and iw as watcing her and her and her friend knew i was there#so then her friend comes over and shes like '[gf name] loves you so much'#and i was about to cry tears of joy i was like REALLY???#and then her friend started laughing and gestured to my gf who isn't my gf's OTHER friend behind me and she was like 'jk lol she meant#this friend not you el oh el'#and then my gf and her friends were all laughing at me and i burst into tears#and then in full on sobs i was like 'i loved you so much how could you leave me'#and then my gf was just like 'well youre a bad person and you think youre sooooo myseterious and youre a terrible person and i never loved#you' and oh my god it ruined my morning#i know a lot of it was just psychological cuz i was already moody when i went to bed#and i have this werid paranoia where i think her and her friends talk shit about me#which i doubt they do but it still stresses me out#so thats probably why that hapepned#and then on top of all that. fourth of all im getting lunch and i literally see her outside. like i dont see her for days and of course#the day i least want to see her shes right there#i mean im generally doing better than september and i didnt feel the same sinking feeling#i used to in like sept but still like brooooo bro this day could not be worseee#the only good thing that happened was that i passed my physics exam <3#also yeah again i said these are minor inconveniences im just frustrated lol#sunny rambles
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god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak
#it kinda doesnt feel real for me idk why#like i do not actually process all of it??#tho I DO have ideas and thinking i did pay attention#maybe i've just had a wild day i guess#but also oh god vex'ahlia broke my heart#twice#first time were when scanlan was talking how he couldn't be at two places at the same time to help 'em and she said nobody gives a fuck#i feel so bad for scanlan rn i love him#haven't watched campaing to the bard's lament yet but oh fuck im too spoiled i do know what happens where (a little bit)#the second time was when she said she really cares for percy i started crying at that moment#also im a lil bit disappointed cuz i thought we would get percys death and vex's spech but we got “i open the door completly naked” scene ->#and im very happy we got it like oh wow i didn't expect that#but idk im just a girl and i love percahlia's slowburn#since i watched 64 eps of actual campaign it become hard for me to not compare campaign and tlovm cuz obviosly its very different#but with percahlia in tlovm we don't have hours and hours of campaign context#(we don't have percy making her arrows)#and i understand why cuz 100+ streams 3+ hours each is one thing and animated series with 12 eps of 25 minutes is another#but as i said previosly it is very hard for me to not compare it#by the way i do think changes in tlovm make sense#cuz like?? i think vex is more sharpy in tlovm than in campaign?? like#like she punced scanlan in first season and in campaign they are kinda good friends and i really love them??#*punched#and i think she's more ?? bossy i guess?? idk how to put it into words but in my head it makes sense “i open the door completly naked” ->#goes earlier than “i shouldve told you its yours” cuz shes playing pretend even more than in campaign???#acts like its casual when its actually isnt AT ALL#and im glad percy said “what is it i want” to vex cuz its kinda like that scene in campaign when percy talked to vax#when he called them all family for the first time and said he's trying to find what he wants in life#i love percy and vax dynamic btw#i wanted to write even more here but apparently i can do only 30 tags wtf#they want me to actually write posts oh no. hate to put it all in tags but im too nervous abt posting on the internet
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transmascs stop pretending that transfems are untrustworthy sources for transfeminism challenge impos- fuck i didn't even finish and you already complained about our terminology
#i really hate the expectation to know theory in these shit communities#they're barely communities it feels like on here trans people are unified by strict categorization#constantly infinitely expanding definitions but treating them as immutable and emergent from the core of reality#rather that words used to describe things we experience or the positions we are placed in my transphobic society#we're unified by who is mean to us more than wether or not we actually like each other#and so we must always be ready to litigate our position in these spaces#because they must be Definitionally justified rather than just having a real community where we're treated like human beings#i wish we still had our elders... i wish we weren't so adverse to learning humanly#i wish i could escape the weird black and white fandom thinking but it worms it's way into every community here now#this is why i keep lamenting old t4t spaces#we weren't there to argue theory#we weren't opposed to learning it in fact it was useful and joyful to share with each other#to help describe our experiences and understand where we've been placed in the world#but that's not why we were there#we were there for community to be kind to each other#now it's nothing but a bunch of teenage fandom tme people arguing with fake versions of trans women they invented in their heads#while we just hide in the background wondering if the word community means something different now#or if we're really just so evil to our very cores that we were foolish to think we could have community in the first place#sorry just#needed to vent this shit has been in my head for a while#i wasn't in a place to go to gay bars or trans events when i was first here#i couldn't have local community so finding one here with transfems who loved each other#it was so important to me#and learning that i could cater to that small but kind audience in my sex work is what made me finally love doing it#before then i'd been doing it purely cuz i couldn't get any other job#and before that because i was forced to#there's a lot of trauma wrapped up in my work for me but i healed from it largely because of my sisters i found on here#but i don't know when it went away but it did#and now it feels like we're left in a massive crowd of screaming voices#and i don't recognize any of them anymore
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Thinking more about my isat au and I'm gonna need to change a LOT more than I thought. First things first, Siffrin's connection to the wish. Since in Of gems and pages, all the wishes stayed the same. So why is Odile the one looping and not Siff? So basically, what I think I'd do in my au is that the Universe decided to change things up a bit.
The first time the Universe granted Siffrin the means to fulfill their wish, things went horribly bad (just look at Loop). So this time, the Universe decided to give this new Siffrin, something a lil different. They still gave Siffrin the timeloop But made Odile his proxy. So that Siffrin may have helpers in this new timeline, with Loop as the guide and Odile helping as well, it Should go better, right??? And since the wish is connected with Siffrin's emotions, the Universe can't just completely make it Odile's problem now, sooo basically... Siffrin can still remember Parts of a previous loop PRIOR to their deaths.
That means during the beginning of canon when Siff was crushed by a boulder, he remembers that. And found Loop as well, but when he accidentally ended up touching a tear, he now Doesn't remember being crushed by a boulder but by being frozen in time. At the same time, he ALSO doesn't remember Anything else prior to it. So he doesn't remember that there's a boulder that can kill him by the entrance of the House, he doesn't remember Loop. All he remembers is that somehow, one way or another, he was frozen in time within the House and needs to be more careful with the tears. And because of the way that the loops affect Siffrin now is faaar too different than how it affected Loop, he can't go forwards or backwards in time. Siff will always awaken back in the meadow and Loop will always have to do their whole speech all over again (which would most likely annoy them immediately cuz why? Why is it so different now? Why can't this Siffrin REMEMBER?)
Odile on the other hand, remembers ALL the loops and finds a lot of discrepancies with Siffrin. It takes awhile for her to meet Loop and they get to talk to each other. Their meeting would be pretty... rocky at first. Loop still getting regarded as a stranger by Odile, Loop finding out that Odile is the one getting affected by the timeloop from their own selfish wish. Even if that Siffrin isn't them, it doesn't change the fact that they both made the same wish. Loop thinkin bout being such a favourite cosmic joke of the Universe that not only were they turned into This, one of their family members are suffering cuz of them. And she doesn't even recognize them. It'd be pretty hard at first too cuz Loop doesn't know that their appearance changed yet, there's no mirror. For Loop, they might still look like Siffrin, right? But Odile's reaction to seeing them says otherwise.
Anyway in this au, stage wise, Odile is the actor, Siffrin is the director, and the Universe is the audience. Book wise, Odile is the character, Siffrin is the writer, and the Universe is the reader. Why is Siffrin the director or the writer and not the Universe? That's because the timeloops are Still connected to his emotions, if something he didn't want to think about happens like, that argument with Bonbon (just as an example. I'm wondering if that'll still happen here considering that only happened because of Siff had memories of all the loops in canon. He doesn't have that in this au anymore), time would loop back still, so in a way, Siff Is writing how the timeloops go.
#aria rants#isat spoilers#isat au#of gems and pages au#ogap au#also why did the Universe choose odile? i like to think that the Universe finds her as being skilled enough to be able#to easily help fulfill that wish considering that she Was able to deduce the timeloop when given enough clues#at the same time. odile also seems to be both really close to siffrin (the fact that they go on secret quests before)#and far away from the party emotionally. odile doesnt regard anyone as ''friends'' and so convinces herself that theyre just colleagues#but deep down. she also knows how much she cares for everyone to the point of willing to do unspeakable things to anyone that#dares harm any of them. she cares so much but doesnt know the word to describe it. friends doesnt cut it. the idea of them#being like family to her hasnt crossed her mind yet when the only family she knows of and have is broken and incomplete (her mom left them)#so shes seems to be emotionally distant from them. she wanted to ask bout continuing traveling with the others but doesnt know How#the Universe sees that and thought that should there be anyone that can easily help siffrin then itd be odile. unfortunately#for the Universe. they didnt quite expect siff being too closed off and dodgy in regards to his own emotions#so it still end up being difficult. even more so now that odile doesnt have the Full picture at all. she has no idea why#this is happening to her in the first place. she only knows it has something to do with siff and during the sequence#before new loop+ happened. the Universe most likely gave odile that chance both out of pity and hope that everything#will finally turn out better This Time. but because of the fact that odile Was dying and she exhausted her craft powers#she cant be brought back to the previous loops easily anymore cuz even if its still connected siff. her ability to be#brought back to loops hinges on craft power as well. siff is just the switch to it. so in a way. shes Supposed to be dead now#but the Universe heard siff's wish and granted the means to save odile as well as grant the previous wish he made#its just that such a wish cant be without a penalty. and that penalty is the timer on odile's life. they have only 99 tries left
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society if hoo had them at uni age and the lost trio went to chb and chiron is like "how tf are ANY of u alive and unclaimed". wilderness was just community college.
#on a serious note this changes a lot actually. annabeth and percy would not be in chb anymore so when percy goes missing#its like. a genuine possibility and fear because demigods don't make it that old. there is also some added time between tlo and tlh as well#further adding to jasons isolation as being even WEIRDER than everyone else. he also would've been praetor for longer so maybe the romans#wouldve cared more. this also does away with the plot hole of ppl not giving a shit that jason piper and leo (and dylan) straight up#dipped. introducing piper especially to a summer camp makes chb less appealing because they're too old for that and thus makes their#departure from chb make more sense in toa. yet also it opens up the possibility of new rome uni.... which i cannot see any reason as to why#leo would not go there!!!!! outside of being banned cuz he bombed new rome lol. but pipers sexuality arc works for college too!!! ur never#too old to find urself. but also this is the question of if you are able to relatively function in society (this is more for piper leo fran#and i guess percy) then why would you even fight this prophecy??? anyway lol them being college aged is perfect cuz percy is literally#going to a new place and having a new transition with new ppl... like u do in college LOL. now the question is would hazel still be 13. nic#is a lot older at this point and perhaps has the same age gap as bianca and him did 🤔 cant remember. but also don't know why hazel was 13#in the first place lol. idk. in my college hoo she is just a senior in hs about to graduate from spqr and thinking about staying there or#possibly going to newru after seeing frank make the decision the previous year! SAD!#anyway in hoo. percy and annabeth are sophomores. frank and the lost trio are freshman.#but then in toa. percy annie frank and the lost trio are all graduating cuz percy got held back and Annabeth failed after tartarus fr.#but then also know that piper never went to newru and is adamant about going to mortal uni. and leo kills in newru but is bored. nvm i#forgot he died 🧍♂️ ummmmmm ok. ignore leo. and jason actually. so um. ok that really threw me off but are u getting it. that's when apollo#is like 'heeyyyyy i need help pwease 🥺' and they're all like 'dude.'#OK!#but also i ackowedge that this is a children's book and i am not its demographic so god be with you.
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Hello, I'm the person fascinated by the implications of the Mystery Skulls au!! I'm a little rusty on my lore, but I'm mostly spinning False as Arthur in my brain- Falsie being jealous of Pearl enough to let the spirit possess her (if we're doing a one to one). And I'm so curious about who Shiromori is in this au!! I'm just!! Sorry, my brain is Bad at articulating but ultimately I'm just very excited about this whole concept!!
hell yeah,, i'm glad you like the au!!!!
and yeah, for the most part this au is pretty much one-to-one with the source material– tho i do have something to add for the jealousy bit! this is mostly just my own interpretation, and this could just be me being aro and not quite getting love stuff,, but i always saw arthur as not jealous of lewis,, but more just not wanting to be left out/a third-wheel. or maybe he is jealous, but not specifically of lewis– but instead, of the fact that the two tend to focus on each other, even when arthur's around.
cuz like,, mans got kicked to the backseat of his Own Van in favor of lewis, vivi, and her Dog. they let the DOG get shotgun instead of arthur. plus, in hellbent, you see a few stills of lewis and vivi being lovey-dovey to each other, with arthur sulking in the background. hell, in one of them, you see vivi looking past arthur, ignoring him in favor of waving to an out of frame lewis.
i don't think the two intended to make arthur feel left out,, they still hang out with him, so obviously they still care about him– it's just that,, i imagine they're prolly in some honeymoon sort of phase in their relationship,, maybe they just started dating and all they can really think about is how much they love each other. probably. again, idk how love works, so- take this with a grain of salt. i just find this interpretation much more interesting, personally!
so, yeah– pretty much all of what i said applies to this au! minus the romance bits, potentially? maybe? gonna be honest i don't really have a strong opinion one way or another in regards to shipping in this au. but either way, false was feeling left out of the group,, and because of that, got herself possessed by a demon(cuz that's prolly what reverb/the thing that possessed arthur is, not just some random spirit,, what with the horns and the webbed wings and stuff in his profile),,,
as for shiromori..... i'm still on the fence, tbh? my first thought was bdubs,, cuz like. they're both plants(sorta),, and he's got a connection to etho like shiromori does to mystery,,, but... i was also thinking about maybe having joel as her, instead? there's the etho connection, of course,, plus there's joel's whole theme for season 10! i feel like either would fit,,,
i suppose there's also the connection to vivi/her ancestor to consider, as well... so far i'm thinking the mushi equivalent in this au is prolly just another version of gem? maybe from empires? but i'm open to suggestions! i'm unsure about joel, but i do know that gem and bdubs have interacted secret life series before!usually in (lightheartedly) negative ways, from what i've seen,, so that could be another point to bdubs.
#zecori answers#hermitcraft#mystery skulls animated#<- once again you guys are forced to look at my madness#you wanted hc au content? lol no take my arthur thoughts instead#in regards to the hermitshipping; if you guys wanna ship 'em; feel free to! my one (1) ask is that the end goal ship be poly <3#should i make a tag for this au? i would; but. i don't really know what else i could post about this;; dkdndkdj#since this is pretty much just a one-to-one replica of msa; there's not really any point to me doing too much with this#like. msa is right there. you can just watch it#'but then why did you make this au in the first place' cuz of the 'tism
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cut my hair just above my shoulders today and discovered that i have a cowlick (or two maybe idr) that makes my hair way thicker on one side than the other
which makes sense but it's also kinda infuriating cuz the last time i cut it was the first time i've ever had short hair and it felt like it was so uneven i was losing my mind
#like imagine asking your mom who is good at cutting hair 'are you SURE its not uneven?'#and she and everybody else is like no its fine#and technically theyre right#but id say i was too. my hair is pretty damn thin so having no idea what thick hair feels like my go to was uneven#so there WAS something not right#i just went vertical instead of horizontal lol#idk why it was now and not the first time that it was noticed tho. maybe cuz i toned it down on the layering?#makes sense considering my hair has forced me into tucking it behind my right ear my entire life lol#cut it in the fall last year so i didnt really get to enjoy it for the intended season#feels good. feels good to have crazy long hair past your waist your whole life in a place that was melting 95% of the year#and then to just get rid of it#i save so much on shampoo yall got no idea lol#i still know next to nothing about caring for my hair and such. when its long its really easy to do nothing and have it look good#but idk. i wanna care more and i dont wanna be lazy and i want to learn HOW to care#i know you can do that with long hair but. idk. it was annoying lol. more work styling short hair but also less hair. win win for me atm#sea rambles
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Why is all the blood in Connections censored to be black??? It's pulling screencaps from the fucking show that aired on literal tv like that. Wtf changed with rating systems in like 15 years????
#talking specifically about the anime screencaps cuz my memory is blanking on if cutscenes and animations are censored or not#i dont really know why blood is such a big deal to show in the first place???#how do the ratings work in japan again??? cuz like. danganronpa has the famous pink blood for rating reasons#and 7r had jenova's blood made purple from the original red for the rating#is that it???? between like 1997 and 2019 the rating system changed maybe????#its just fucking jarring cuz it wasnt originally like that lol#personal#remember when shippuden aired on disney xd and deidara wasnt allowed to say die??? ah those were the days. not that i watched it there
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i know i cant be a writer fa real cuz when i was a jit they had the story pirates come to our school so they could put on a play for everyone and then later. for the people in the district at a proper community live event thing. of two students' writing and one of the stories they picked was mine and i felt some typa way when they did it normally at school but different in front of the real audience. in front of celebrity guest star the mom from family matters whose name i cant remember. and if i wrote a story or comic as an adult and it dared to reach others in a similar way i fear netflix would do this to me and i would do something much worse than awkwardly clap and smile next to the mom from family matters
#first day of work tomorrow and im thinking about my place in a completely different world#one things for certain aint no one touching my babies (ocs in stories) with a god forsaken live action interpretation#its either 2016 style youtube comedy animatic done by a mentally ill lesbian middleschooler or bust#also im not at all bitter about the reworking of my story cuz 1) i was a child and i do not care and 2) they obvs had to dice it up for time#and clearer translation#thats why the story samurai episode of abbott really fucking got me !!!! mr c is mr me!!!!!!!!#on god it mightve not been the mom from family matters because i remember my grandma telling me that was her when i didnt know who she was#and really i shouldnt trust most of what my grandmother says because well. sometimes it is not true. heart emoji
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order of writing. below is first. tags second. picture of text from friend and text after it are last.
by anticipating my needs when you thought I was distressed you are continuing to carve a place in my heart
I do think I would be at my best with two. specifically these two.
my friend is right. but do I even have the capacity to employ this in a way that allows me to enjoy you in all of the ways that I want
#I can't believe you were there. I can't believe I walked around the corner and there you were and I had to stop and fall against the wall#i/Y#and then you come around the corner when I'm starting to stim cuz I'm struggling and then your lips are brushing my neck and i. ofk#you came and found me again outside#God I feel so stupid doing this sometimes#every time I start to feel too much my brain goes. that's stupid. what are you doing? to which I think well he is displaying x#so I view him as x. And I'm not supposed to but I can't help it. especially with wonderful! I think you are and the continuous care#You keep making an effort to be there and my heart. My heart looks at you and sees boyfriend. And when I get weird like I was by your car#it's because my wires are too crossed to really be able to connect all of those things and I am just I don't know. work isn't a safe place#it's so stupid thinking these things and feeling them because we haven't even spent any time together in my brain is going when you do#it's going to change because you're going to be too much and he's going to view you differently. and and then and then it's just going to b#You and your stupid stupid heart and you did it to yourself#I'm getting closer to setting a movie date night. I need our in-person selves to match up like we do over chat and text. or not..#if I reject myself first in this it will hurt less when you do#I am so tired of being this mess of a person#it's truly not who I am and I feel like you've seen that with us chatting . And as amazing as you were today#I feel like it's it's a good example of why I'm not good enough for you. And that's not a nice way to say it. I know. but today has been so#part of me wishes I could just stop because of a part of my heart that's going. he's going to leave just like everyone else.why wouldn't he#I hate feeling like too much and not enough all at the same time#Tumblr only recognizes the first five tags for searching purposes but#🌌#eta - that smile from what was it last week on the Friday when I came around the corner at work? how that's when I knew how I felt for sure#You absolutely bowl me over every time I see you and you look at me like that that softness that affection I'm dead#not me wanting to delete all of this and turn inward to isolate because I'm afraid that I am predicting the future correctly 💀🙄
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every now and then I feel like playing xbc3 again bc of how much I love the main cast's designs but it's also the most disappointing game I've played in recent memory
#i played 60 hrs of it while not having fun with the class system not knoeing anything abt the world + charas i was travelling with#+ not really knowing why i was doing it in the first place. cuz the pacing is so ass#another thing is that i LOVED xbc1's side quests. but bc theres no expert mode like xbc1#i had to force myself to rush thru the story so i wouldnt get punished for being overleveled#whys the music in xbc3 so mid too. i dont remember a single song while xbc1's ost is still clear in my memory 4 years later#i was also not wowed by any of the areas i explored#despite my gripes abt how xbc2 and xbc3 keep messing with xbc1 canon instead of being separate things#i still rly wanted to love xbc3
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I swear my bd is that one motherfucker on the group project who don’t do SHIT!
#ignore me I’m very upset#tw vent#I just!!!!#he makes a partnership impossible which is why I left in the first place but anyways dealing with him still cuz the kids is so irritating#my baby has 7 tardies this trimester already#it’s fucking January#and it’s all days I worked so I know it wasn’t me#I really don’t want to give him less custody than he has and be vindictive or try to take my kids away from their dad#but he really does not do enough#they really are not in good hands when they are with them#granted he’s not a bad person and doesn’t do shady thingd#but he is an incompetent father#and I say this objectively our relationship aside
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I randomly woke up half an hour ago and I was gonna go back to sleep but of COURSE I had to check to see if anyone texted me and of COURSE one of my friends had to ask me if SAMS is a content farm cuz “it’s got that vibe”
So guess who’s up at 4 am writing a long ass thing in defense of the sun and moon show 😭
#AUGH#this sucks cuz like…it could be? maybe? idk??#the thumbnails are like those DO NOT DO AT 3 AM (REAL) *NOT CLICKBAIT* videos but…I can’t explain it but it makes sense?#I feel like if it WAS a content farm then it wouldn’t have the lore. cuz the lore is actually good#and the voice acting makes me cry. I don’t think a content farm would have good VAs??#also. looking at the lore. it makes sense that a lot of content is them playing games or looking at fan things. that’s why they made the#channel in the first place. to have fun#the whole point is the audience enjoying the videos. and they need to have SOMETHING between lore vids yknow?#if it was just the lore eps then there would become the issue of ‘well why are we seeing this. how are we seeing this. what’ and there being#gameplays helps explain that. that they just do that#maybe I’m thinking about this too much. I could be overthinking it and it could be a content farm I don’t know. I just really don’t want it#to be. I’ve lost so many of my past interests due to them being bad that me defending this could honestly just be out of selfishness#☹️
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Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.
So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.
Lurkers really are great, tho
I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.
Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.
The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.
Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.
There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.
I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available.
I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.
I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.
So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.
But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.
I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.
Should we gatekeep fandom?
I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--
A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.
That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.
See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.
So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.
The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.
And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”
Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.
Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.
And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.
However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community.
I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.
And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company?
And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)
But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.
Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.
Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.
Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists.
While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:
[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom
OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]
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“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.
I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.
It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits.
So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.
And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.
So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.
Think of it like a garden gate
When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.
The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people.
Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it.
Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.
My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.
But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.
I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.
Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.
And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.
Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.
Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.
There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.
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sooo glad im moving next month
#sometimes i really hate living with my mom#idk what it is but sometimes when we get into arguments it turns into a shouting match#and like i never get like that with anyone else#like i never even yelled at that one roommate i had who was a total nightmare#who was like objectively far worse to be living with#longtime mutuals know the deep piney lore of the fake dementia roommate im not gonna get into it rn cuz thats not the point but like#it was Bad#anyway i got into a screaming match and i think i fucked up my throat and im pissed at myself for yelling#and during this argument i was told that i 'do less than nothing' and have 'given up on life'#and also that im relying on 'handouts' and 'mooching off others' because i 'dont want to work'#and also that even if im bad enough off that i should be taking a break i should still do more#i think the exact phrasing was 'im not saying you should do more im saying you could do more'#as if pushing myself to do more than i should isnt a big part of why ive had to stop working in the first place#like surprise surprise that shit catches up to you#anyway that really sucked and i was a sobbing mess but i had a good chat with my sibling in law#who is also gonna be my roommate once i move#and im feeling much better#also im going to visit them and my sister this weekend cuz my grandma is doing a family christmas party#and i live like four hours away so im gonna stay at my sisters place while im out there instead of getting a hotel#and i might go out a day or two early depending on how my morning goes parentwise#also gonna bring some boxes out there so i dont have to move all at once so im gonna have to lift stuff ough
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Rook's backgrounds make no sense or gatekeeping is good, actually
It's didn't sit well with me ever since bioware admitted that all 6 background for Rook can be played by any race you choose
Looking back at Origins it's clear why most of the backgrounds were race-specific. Not only it provided a better understanding of the separate cultures (you wouldn't really understand what dwarfs are about if you were able to play as a surface dwarf commoner) it also established the rules of the world (elves are opressed, you can't become a queen/king cuz the nobles will riot, humans colonize them and inforce their religion and rules on everyone, dwarfs are considered weird)
Now, looking at the veilguard, I can't help but ask:
How can a fully grown dalish with vallaslin be a crow? They buy slaves as a way to get more assassins, usually elves, children, so they could easier ruin their psyche. why the hell would a dalish stand for it?
How can a qunari be a Gray Warden? Wardens don't discriminate, sure, but this far, we haven't even heard of a qunari warden. Rook should be a legend, Rook should be questioned at actually being a warden by NPCs, OR sit in some Warden outpost and being studied by their mages, because no one actually knows how Blight and joining might work with Kossith body instead of running around with Varric.
Veiljumpers were organized by dalish, right? Then why in the world would a human be allowed to join? How and why did they change their minds to accept literally anyone, even if it's a potential threat/thief(Morrigan)/zealot/etc..?
How can a dwarf, someone who isn't even connected to the fade be a Veiljumper?
How can a dwarf be a part of the Mourn Watch? A Mortalitasi, an exclusively MAGE order? What can they even do?? Preform a non magical mummifications with herbs and salts like Egyptians did? Sweep the mausoleum? Be some sort of a funeral organizer/lawyer/genealogist? That could've been really interesting if only the game actually bothered to say anything about it. It did not
"Well it's up to your headcanons!" then why make the backgrounds in the first place??? They don't matter anyway!
I mean, obviously it was just a way to promote the game to older fans. Look, the backstories! The thing you've been craving for is back in game! Only they forgot what actually made them so great. The most important part. They mattered, they created a basis for my character. They gave them families, connections. They changed the way my character is perceived (elves in general) and what they can do plotwise (become a monarch/paragon).
I don't fucking care if 3-5 NPCs might have some additional dialogues for me, cuz they don't matter anyway. I don't even know these people, i never met them before, my character did, but I didn't. And now I don't care enough to know. like, i'm playing as a mourn watcher, but before going to Nevarra i barely knew anything about them, and what i know now is still rather surface level shit
Let alone the fact that all the backgrounds are practically the same. You pissed off some influencial people by doing good and was send away. Bravo.
........if this post gets one like I'm writing my own ideas for DA4 protagonist's backgrounds
#i'm one mental breakdown away from making a self indulgent visual novel to wipe this shit out of my memories#veilguard critical#dragon age#dav#veilguard spoilers#bioware critical
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