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aiyexayen · 4 years ago

Note

re: that "I'll live for you post" - WHERE'S THE ESSAY

this post? [innocent face]

alright, alright, JUST TWIST MY ARM WHY DON'T YOU, just force me to talk more about my boys!

4.9k word essay under the cut

Wei Wuxian

Let us take a look at Wei Wuxian first. Wei Wuxian has no problems throwing himself in-between the people he loves and danger, or even certain death. Hell, sometimes he just throws himself into it for fun and profit!

To some extent, putting yourself in danger to help others and being willing to die is something of a cultivator thing in general, a hero thing in general, right? And Wei Wuxian is a prodigy, exceptionally strong and clever, so he has more reason than most to be a little cavalier. But most of the point of training so hard as a cultivator and getting strong and aligning yourself with a sect is kind of so you can be in real danger of dying as little as possible, one would presume.

So we're going to set aside the danger-as-a-profession thing for now, because I think it's only tangentially related.

The real point is, Wei Wuxian is sacrificial to a fault. If there is a problem, he decides he's the one who needs to fix it. And his first go-to solution is to throw himself at it, to give up anything of himself if it's viable. As clever as he is, if he finds a workable solution that involves his own sacrifice, he doesn't stop to look for anything else.

Some of it is pride--not wanting to admit he needs help from anyone else, and the shame of being seen as weak.

Some of it is arrogance--a very natural kind given his competence, the presumption that he knows best in a given situation (neurodivergent arrogance walking hand-in-hand with self-esteem issues is always a fun time).

Some of it is appropriate--ranging from his own moral imperative to protect the weak and do what's right to his understanding of his place in culture and in his own sect and relationships.

Some of it is a natural bent toward caretaking, "fixing," and heroics--someone has to do it, so it's going to be Wei Wuxian. He won't hesitate to take initiative in any other area of life, and this is no exception.

And some of it, yes, is a lack of value placed in his own life--between a more youthful, dramatic perspective on 'I would die for you/for this cause' taking priority in his worldview, and some genuine self-esteem issues. Issues largely stemming from his uncertain place in the world growing up and his uncertain relationship with parental/guardian/master and other familial figures, all stewing under the surface and brought to light sharply when the world went to shit and choices were made and he lost or seemed to have lost everything from his reputation to his home to his extant support structures. The paranoia and voices in his head (the ptsd and resentful-energy-as-ptsd-metaphor both) only drove that home.

Basically, Wei Wuxian was already trending in some unfortunate directions but his circumstances and the people surrounding him kept him grounded, and the events of the story as it unfolded really pushed him all in. No one thing or one person--even Wei Wuxian himself--is really to blame for that, which is the beauty of the story really.

I also think Wei Wuxian started to buy into some of his own stories at his lowest points--the things he said or came up with, lies he told publicly, justifications he made for his choices once the heat of the moment and the panic was over. Justifications he made to himself and to others. He purposefully led people to believe much that was incorrect about him and his character and his status, to which the response was distaste and horror, and even though he planned it that way in order to push everyone away I really think he started to believe it himself. Depression and trauma are just really fun times.

I'm getting a bit off-topic.

The point remains, Wei Wuxian is extremely sacrificial. He comes by much of it naturally, and not nearly all of it is bad or melodrama or angst or even unhealthy or problematic. It's one of his good qualities, too, and it's one of the ways he knows how to love.

All of the threads weaving together to make Wei Wuxian and the situations he finds himself sacrificing things in are all true, but it also really comes down to love. He loved Jiang Cheng enough to sacrifice his everything and risk his life doing so. He loved his sect enough he was willing to sacrifice his right hand. He loved his sect enough to sacrifice his very ties to it. He loved Lan Zhan enough to sacrifice their friendship. He loved Jin Ling enough to sacrifice himself to the curse he got in the Nie tombs. (And more!)

Wei Wuxian loved, and so he sacrificed. Thus, the initial post.

Jiang Cheng

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about my darling Jiang Wanyin.

Ah, Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng. Taking the initiative and sacrificing at the drop of a hat and so forth are not really characteristics of Jiang Cheng's the same way they are for Wei Wuxian.

And yet, is he not also a disciple of Yunmeng Jiang; is he not also a young hero? Has he not pride, and the incentive to do good?

Does he not also see love as sacrifice?

Zi Zhizhu was his mother. The woman who sacrificed to get Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian to safety. The woman who killed herself and crawled across the ground to hold her husband's hand in death.

You think she wasn't Like That the whole time? You think Jiang Cheng picked up nothing of such behaviours from her, even before that day?

Hah.

Besides which, there's absolutely an underlying theme of Jiang Cheng trying to be like Wei Wuxian for much of their lives.

Partially just...Wei Wuxian, strong and clever and popular shige, always manages to get credit and glory and good stories and good favour, exemplary of the Jiang motto--the one Jiang Cheng's own name is tied to. They were supposed to be shuangjie, besides. How could he not want to be like him at least a bit? If nothing else, it's a little brother's curse.

And partially this is also due to Jiang Cheng's parents and that whole Situation.

It was complicated for so many reasons, and absolutely left Jiang Cheng feeling inferior to Wei Wuxian. As though he needed to be more like Wei Wuxian, to emulate him, in order to be worthy of his title and station and inheritance, something that turned out to be categorically untrue in the end. There are many kinds of leaders, and many kinds of strengths.

As an aside, I personally think that's something Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan knew, themselves, as adults and leaders and political figures in their own rights. Adults often don't realise or think about how the things they say can influence children's entire worldviews and senses of self (why, no, I don't speak from experience, why would you ask such a thing ahaha).

Jiang-zongzhu and Zi Zhizhu got a lot of their own relationship difficulties and misunderstandings and conflicts and conflicting attempts to want the best for their children (and ward) tangled up in everything. I think if they'd ever been able to speak plainly, if they could manifest into the Ancestral Hall and speak to Jiang Cheng, they would say so.

Just as Jiang Cheng would have cause to be horrified by much of what Wei Wuxian believed about himself, I think Jiang Cheng's parents would have cause to be horrified by much of what Jiang Cheng believed. (I mean, and Wei Wuxian, probably.)

Anyway.

Jiang Cheng has plenty of reasons to aspire to those same ideals of sacrifice. And it's not just aspirations, either--we see him follow through.

He walked outside from that inn, saw Wei Wuxian in danger, and made a decision in the space of a single breath--a decision with full understanding, too. He knew he was giving up his entire life for Wei Wuxian's. He said goodbye in his head.

I would argue (and I'm sure I've said this before somewhere too) that his sacrifice was the purest example of this in the entire story.

Perhaps some of it is that many of Wei Wuxian's sacrifices are premeditated and just about all of them have alternative solutions that don't involve him just diving in and giving pieces of himself up.

That isn't to say that Wei Wuxian wouldn't see a sword aimed at Jiang Cheng and take the blow himself. But we never see him do that, exactly. As much as Jiang Cheng has internalised this ideal of Wei Wuxian's, he both encounters fewer of these situations and has other problem-solving tactics in his repertoire.

The way Jiang Cheng hates himself doesn't lead him to think of himself as disposable. I could get into a (very amateur) discussion of negative schemas formed in childhood and their various similarities and differences, and the different ways Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's brains appear to work (Jiang Cheng sees himself as inferior, while Wei Wuxian willfully dehumanises himself in other ways), but basically, it's simply a different set of psychological issues.

But! When he is faced with the choice, Jiang Cheng absolutely dies for the ones he loves.

He loves his sect and his family, and he internalises love as sacrifice, and when it comes down to an extreme moment he chooses to die for them.

And then he doesn't die.

And then the war happens.

Jiang Cheng's Growth

There are a lot of reasons for Jiang Cheng to grow in this area, and I think it starts with inheriting the sect.

(This leads to excellent thoughts about What If Wei Wuxian Had Somehow Become Sect Leader but that's an au for another day.)

If sect heir was a position full of responsibility and reputation management, how much more so is zongzhu? Jiang Cheng is suddenly responsible for all these people. Whether he's good enough or not doesn't even matter. The job is there and it's inescapable and he's the only one there to do it.

I'm absolutely sure he still has all kinds of inferiority shit he's dealing with by post-timeskip and he only just gets to touch on some pieces of resolution by the end of the story, with the one person still in the world who would even know anything about the life that gave it to him.

Jiang Cheng has been responsible for people before, in small ways--night hunts and such, I'm sure, and he was certainly in charge of the Yunmeng Jiang disciples who went to Cloud Recesses. But being at the top of that hierarchy entirely is such a different matter, and he did so at a very young age and in a very fraught time.

The fact that he had to deal with all this new responsibility and duty to people more than his family and to causes greater than the first people in need he encounters is a huge perspective shift. Especially as a sect with nothing to give and no wiggle room where it comes not only to basic resources post-war, but to things like reputation and political standing. This is, of course, a huge facet to the conflict between him and Wei Wuxian (and the Wen remnants) at that point in the story.

But on a personal level it also speaks to the sacrifice thing. If Jiang Cheng sacrifices his life, he is not just sacrificing his own life anymore.

When he gave up his life for Wei Wuxian, he had not yet inherited. His parents were only barely gone. There was nothing to inherit. There was no surety of there ever being something to inherit ever again. Everything else was already gone. It was only the three of them, barely surviving, running for their lives. It was only him and Wei Wuxian in a street, and one of them had to die.

But once he inherits? He's a commander. He's a leader. He has all the knowledge and all the networking connections. He has the reputation. He has the social standing. He might still have a long way to go in developing his skills, but he has a natural leadership ability and he does have training appropriate to his station.

What happens if he personally sacrifices his life? What happens to all of that? What happens to everyone depending on him?

That's not very satisfying, very epic-worthy. That's not very dramatic or romantic. It's gradual, and messy, that kind of change and realisation. Becoming that kind of person. Making choices based in that reality. Deciding that you do not belong to yourself.

And I think it really comes to a head when his siblings die.

I think it comes to a head personally. Not just in his role as Jiang-zongzhu. We don't see Jiang Cheng choose not to die, in as many words. But we certainly see him choose to live.

Or, perhaps, we see the evidence of that choice.

Jiang Cheng could have faded away. He could have started delegating all his responsibilities, gotten help from other sects, trained up a replacement. He could have made such things necessary by getting more and more reclusive. He could have pulled a Qingheng-Jun.

Hell, with a-jie gone already, he could have just said fuck this and followed Wei Wuxian off that cliff, and if you don't think he wonders about that sometimes--at least at first--then we have very different interpretations of Jiang Cheng as a person.

And no, none of those are sacrifice. But at some point, he still chose to do the opposite.

He chose every day to live for his sect, to keep growing it into something powerful and secure. He took that vow that he made and he fucking stuck to it.

And he chose to live for Jin Ling.

I don't half wonder if that was a bigger driving force at first than anything else.

Jiang Cheng could absolutely have left Jin Ling to be raised by his Jin family in the absence of his parents and fucked off to hide away in Yunmeng and had nothing to do with him. He could have done a lot of things, let himself develop in a lot of ways, unhealthy ways.

But he so very clearly did not.

Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng have a close relationship. Jin Ling defers to Jiang Cheng, is answerable to him on night hunts and beyond them. It's never questioned why he's basically just in the Yunmeng Jiang party by himself. Yunmeng Jiang disciples answer to Jin Ling in turn, follow his orders without question in the absence of their zongzhu. It's a Yunmeng Jiang disciple who hands Xianzi off to Jin Ling outside the Guanyin Temple in Yunping, and Jiang Cheng is intimately familiar with Xianzi's commands and is apparently a trusted person to give them (which, we find out, Jin Guangyao is not.)

As much as Jiang Cheng is not good at saying what he means, and especially after everything he's been through his softer bits have grown harder and harder carapace around them, Jin Ling never seems to misunderstand what Jiang Cheng means. They snipe at each other and snark and bitch and roll their eyes and so clearly love each other.

Jiang Cheng's love for Jin Ling shines brightly the second you know how to interpret Jiang Cheng, and Jin Ling absolutely does. Jin Ling's trust in Jiang Cheng is incredible.

Jin Ling is practically Yunmeng Jiang's heir, and practically Jiang Cheng's son.

That sort of thing doesn't just happen, because you're related or whatever. In fact, the story goes out of its way to present blood relations not being close, especially father figures.

Which means from a young age, Jin Ling knew Jiang Cheng's love. Jiang Cheng, struggling young zongzhu of a struggling newly-rebuilt sect, who just lost everything, barely more than a kid himself, figured out he needed to not only stay alive, but needed to live for Jin Ling.

He needed to teach him everything, needed to figure out how to be the best of his own father and mother, and the best of Jin Ling's father and mother, and live up to every lost bit of love Jin Ling should have had, and try, and try, no matter how unworthy or unfit or inferior he felt. No matter how much he fucked up and didn't know. No matter how much grief he was dealing with. No matter how many people hated him and how few friends he had. No matter how much there was to do. No matter how overwhelming the endless tide of days, of forever in front of him felt, horrible and empty of everyone that had come before. Jiang Cheng still chose to live.

He carved out that new life because of love. He didn't die for anyone, and he didn't die for anyone's memory. He lived.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he did, for his sect, his disciples, his family's legacy, his siblings' memories, and Jin Ling.

And, as a bonus knife, the things we see him chide Jin Ling the most for? Are specifically things Wei Wuxian would have done, and even things he would have done in following him. Grandstanding, not asking for help when needed, wandering off alone, making unnecessary sacrifices.

Wei Wuxian's Growth

That brings us to Wei Wuxian coming back. And, well, the boy still has a long way to go. He goes through a lot of kinds of growth post-timeskip. And I think this is one of them.

For one, he's already fucking died once.

Honestly, almost ironically, that death wasn't even fully a sacrifice. Perhaps in some ways it was, in some ways he internalised that it was. But regardless, after all his sacrificing, he finally died. And, much like Jiang Cheng's sacrifice, it didn't stick. He woke back up. Albeit 16 years later.

Now, he wasn't keen on dying, or he maybe would have just gone back. But that doesn't mean he'd suddenly decided to live for anyone rather than die for them.

And, indeed, we still see that side of him come back with him in full force. He starts off by deciding he will just live this new life without Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan altogether.

I think, for Wei Wuxian, this matter of sacrifice ends up being tied into a lot of other pieces of his growth--none of it happens independently of each other.

First, he is shown and told that he is wanted. That's the first thing. He cannot simply go on without inconveniencing/endangering/roping anyone else into his shit because his ties to other people don't work in only one direction. He is wanted.

Lan Zhan wants to be at his side, has not forgotten him, and loves him unwaveringly. That is a huge first step, right there at the beginning, when Lan Zhan grabs his hand, and they make eye contact, and by the time Lan Zhan turns to look away Wei Wuxian is grabbing his hand back desperately and that pretty much says everything it needs to right there.

The idea that Wei Wuxian can act at all without having any negative affect on anyone tied to him is something we see even outside the concept of sacrifice--how many times before his death, even before his defection, do we see him say things like "you can insult me, but don't involve the Yunmeng Jiang sect" like. Like. Wei Wuxian please. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

So I think him realising that other people will willingly be tied to him and there's nothing he can do about it, that his actions affect the people who care about him all the time, is something he still has to learn/relearn even after everything that happened leading up to his death. I think, in particular, Wei Wuxian realising that it's not just his mistakes and fuckups that affect people, but his intentional actions, too. Like sacrifices. Even if they're at his own expense. Because people care and that's okay and good.

Lan Zhan drives that home with things like noticing that Wei Wuxian has transferred Jin Ling's curse to his own leg, and then insisting on carrying him.

Lan Zhan notices. Lan Zhan cares. This act of sacrifice does not end with Wei Wuxian suffering. It has cascading effects, even something this small. It is, perhaps, more effective a lesson on a small scale with fewer complexities woven in, than it would be on the larger scale issues he dealt with before his death.

This idea that his sacrifices affect people beyond him is carried through the rest of the story, too, from the way everyone seems to fret about him after the Burial Mounds and Lan Sizhui runs to hold him, down to the fact that he has to answer for how his sacrifice of his golden core to Jiang Cheng affects Jiang Cheng. Both the absence of his own golden core being a catalyst for a lot of other shit, and finding out about the core transfer actually fucking Jiang Cheng up. Which, it turns out, Wei Wuxian kind of knew would happen, he just thought he could get away with not dealing with it if he kept the secret better.

Wei Wuxian can't escape his sacrifices and his actions having an effect on those around him, the ones who care and the ones he cares about, or even the object of his sacrifice, and he really does have to have that hammered home.

He also deals with growth related to his pride and arrogance. He learns how to be weak, he learns how to have alternate forms of strength, he learns how to let others in, and let others stand with him.

Most of this is related to Lan Zhan, and I've already covered it at least somewhat in another meta, but it relates back to this, because those are two driving forces behind his sacrificial nature.

If Wei Wuxian is allowed to be weak, is allowed to hesitate, is allowed to go to others for help, is allowed to look for alternative solutions, that sets a better precedent for cutting down on the habitual self-sacrifice tendencies.

Additionally, he learns that others can and will stand with him in his sacrifices, when they are necessary.

Look at the way he pushes Lan Zhan away on the steps of Jinlintai, but Lan Zhan steps back toward him, and draws his sword, and declares his love before heaven and earth, saying in as many words that Wei Wuxian need not walk his path alone, and they fight together.

And the next time Wei Wuxian goes to sacrifice? In the Burial Mounds? He doesn't even think twice before volunteering Lan Zhan to stand with him. His entire plan revolves around the idea that Lan Zhan will stand with him--without even consulting Lan Zhan--and in doing so, they may be able to prevent Wei Wuxian from actually sacrificing his life.

Already we see him internalising a lot of that growth. He doesn't need to grandstand or prove himself; he doesn't care what everyone there thinks of him, and for the ones he does care about he is secure in their regard for him. He doesn't first attempt to sacrifice himself and be bait to draw the fierce corpses away while everyone including Lan Zhan runs off. He doesn't have to be convinced to accept Lan Zhan as part of his plan. He doesn't have to have Lan Zhan simply stay behind and then deal with the addition of him later.

Compare, if you will, the Xuanwu cave. Wei Wuxian absolutely expected everyone else to leave while he drew its attention, and Lan Zhan staying was not part of his original plan. Yes, later on they attacked the Xuanwu together, but that was different entirely. At first, he was just being bait to get everyone else to safety.

In the Burial Mounds? He's already worked Lan Zhan having his back into his plans.

It's still a sacrifice, but he's come a really long way about it.

So now that we've mitigated some of the sacrificial tendencies, modulated their effects on his choices, we come down to the "live for you instead of die for you" issue.

My positing that Wei Wuxian has reached this point by the end of the story has a lot more to do with having seen the patterns of his growth, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng regarding the issue of the golden core transfer being revealed, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan in general evolve, and watching him allow himself to have more and more attachments by the end of the story. And getting the overall vibe that living is now important, and there are things to live for in this world now that he's back in it.

However, if I had to narrow it down to one moment to exemplify this, I would point to the moment where he's caught around the neck by Jin Guangyao.

Wei Wuxian absolutely knows that if Lan Zhan sheathes Bichen, they're all fucked. Lan Zhan could easily take everyone here who would fight him, but not if he sheathes his sword and seals his spiritual power. And at this point it's increasingly likely that if they let themselves be captured they're simply not going to make it out alive. None of them. No matter what Jin Guangyao says.

Lan Zhan's best chance for survival and Jin Guangyao's best chance at being brought to justice/captured are one and the same in this moment--Lan Zhan keeping his sword, and either taking Jin Guangyao down himself or escaping to go fetch the assembled sect leaders and such at Lotus Pier.

Wei Wuxian knows this. It's why he begs Lan Zhan to be okay with his death and to do this Right Thing anyway.

Lan Zhan is not, and does not.

I don't think Wei Wuxian is surprised by this, to be fair.

But he could have ensured it would happen. He could have ensured that Jin Guangyao would go down. He could have ensured, more importantly, that Lan Zhan lived. He could have prevented Lan Zhan from sheathing Bichen to begin with.

He could have sacrificed himself.

It would have been incredibly easy at that point. All he had to do was fight back instead of hold still. Jin Guangyao was not bluffing, probably, though he just as surely knew if Wei Wuxian died then he was next, he counted on everyone wanting Wei Wuxian alive more than they wanted him dead. So if Wei Wuxian had tried to fight back or escape, he would have died.

Jin Guangyao would have been shocked, very very briefly. The resulting chaos would have seen everyone in custody who needed to be. Perfect.

And, you know, Lan Zhan would have been once more Wei-Ying-less.

Wei Wuxian very notably does not make this sacrifice. Even if it means they get captured. Even if it means they likely die together instead of only one of them dying. Even if that math is terrible on the surface of it.

He doesn't make Lan Zhan watch him die again. He doesn't presume that his loss means nothing. He doesn't presume that his life is not worth it, that his sacrifice is worth it.

Wei Wuxian actively chooses to live. He chooses to live for Lan Zhan. For the chance that they will both find a way out, and if they don't, then they are together in this and that matters more.

And he keeps making that choice. At no point in the confrontation with Jin Guangyao, for all those hours and hours and hours of back and forth and monologuing in that damned temple, does Wei Wuxian try to grandstand or throw himself sacrificially into the mix in any way. He is always working with everyone there to whatever extent possible, to the ends that everyone (including people he cedes the political superiority to) decides upon. He releases ownership of the situation, of needing to fix the situation, of needing to fix the situation by giving himself up.

I've been writing this so long I'm starting to lose the threads of my own thoughts, but yeah.

By the end, I think Wei Wuxian learns a lot and grows a lot and finally hits the point that Jiang Cheng hit years and years prior.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he was confronted with the idea of it again and again until it had to stick, and so he did. For Lan Zhan, for Lan Sizhui, for Jin Ling, for the other juniors.

I do think there will always be some element of self-sacrifice to Wei Wuxian's character that remain unchanged. He is a caretaker and a fixer at the heart of him. He is a big brother and I think maturity has only expanded that trait. He's also notably not a leader, and to some extent he does belong to himself both more and less than he ever could before his death.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it doesn't negate him embracing the idea of living for the ones he loves, getting better for the ones he loves, and letting them keep him in their lives.

I'd like to think that this piece of character growth is another significant thing in favour of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng being able to forge not just a healthy relationship but a healthier relationship post-canon than they may have ever had before, or at least in a very long time.

#you would not believe how long this took to write out #why am i like this #my meta #unedited #the untamed #the untamed meta #jiang cheng #jiang wanyin #wei ying #wei wuxian #sacrifice #i may or may not be accepting constructive criticism at this time #this whole thing was probably terribly redundant but i'm too lazy to reread it and edit

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crystalninjaphoenix · 3 years ago

Text

The Winter Solstice

Fantasy Masks AU: Chapter Seven

A JSE Fanfic

Well after last week’s brief foray into writing for a different fandom, we return to the septics once again. The FM!septics to be exact. It’s the winter solstice, meaning there are holidays to celebrate! Chase, Jackie, and Henrik have a great day that totally doesn’t become suddenly serious near the end haha nope just fun times all around with some world building and character development :) Enjoy :)

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The day dawned cold and snowy, but nobody at Wyvernlair cared. Not when today was the winter solstice. This was a time for celebration! And with all the people in the camp, there was bound to be a big party. Preparations had been ongoing for the past few weeks. Food was made, games were planned, and time was set aside for those honoring the various holy days. When the day itself dawned, normal duties were put on hold so that everyone could join in.

Chase woke up at sunrise. He had a quick breakfast—light, since there would be a lot of food at the feast planned for that night—and strolled about, taking in the changes. Everyone was bustling about as usual, but now they chattered with excitement. Some people had hung decorations outside their tents: replicas of snowflakes made from white-painted sticks, candles with carved designs set on the ground, pine branches and snippets of other winter-blooming plants scattered about. Combined with the white layer of snow, it was quite beautiful.

Yet, Chase felt a pang somewhere deep in his chest. Last year, he’d spent Longest Night with his family and the rest of the village. There’d been town celebrations in the square. He helped Quentin carve his first candle. And now? Now, he didn’t know where his family was.

“Chase!”

He was snapped out of his melancholy thoughts when he heard someone call his name. In the middle of turning to see who it was, that ‘someone’ barrelled straight into him. “Oof!” He was about to respond, but found he couldn’t, because he’d been wrapped in a tight bear hug.

“Sorry, did I knock the wind out of you? Sorry!” Jackie was too full of energy to notice he apologized twice. He gave Chase one last squeeze before breaking off the hug.

“It’s okay, just give me more warning next time.” Chase took a minute to catch his breath. “Well. Happy Longest Night, then?”

“Happy Longest Night, then!” Jackie repeated. He whirled his cloak around dramatically. It was still red, but slightly nicer, with a fur lining. His wolf mask was pushed back, sitting on his forehead. “You know the plan, right? We’re having games all day. War games, dice games, card games—a few strategy games, too, the ones we have the boards for in storage. Then there’s the feast later, and the Dark Vigil tonight.”

“Yea, I understand,” Chase said, a faint smile on his face. He couldn’t help it; Jackie was contagious. “How many people will be at the Vigil?”

“A fair share. Schneep won’t; he does something at moonrise instead.” Jackie shrugged. “Are you planning to do any of the games? What about archery?!”

Chase laughed. “No, no, I’m not good enough to compete in a war game. I’ll probably just drift around and join in where I can. Do you think anyone will be playing Luck of the Deal? I’m very good at that.”

Jackie rolled his eyes. “Everyone’s good at Luck of the Deal. That’s the whole thing about it, it’s luck.”

“You don’t know that. There’s skill involved, too,” Chase insisted.

Jackie patted his shoulder. “Whatever you say, Hunter. It’ll be some time before everything really gets going. Anything you want to do before that?”

“Umm...” Chase thought about it. “Well, is there anything I can do to help with the feast preparations? That’s usually a community thing, isn’t it?”

“Well we already have a lot of volunteers for cooking. They’ve already gotten started, in fact.” Jackie thought about it. “But if you want to help, you could put your hunting skills to the test in the surrounding woods. Always good to have more food than less, on these occasions. People would eat their plates, if it was possible.”

Chase laughed. “Oh, I know that. Amabel would eat us out of home on Longest Night. She must’ve gotten her appetite from Stacia’s side of the family.” Saying their names, the melancholy threatened to return.

“Honestly? I have a confession.” Jackie leaned closer. “I’m one of those types, too.”

“Oh? Somehow, that makes sense.”

“And somehow I’m offended.” Jackie gave him a playful shove. “If you want to go ahead, you know where the shortbows and arrows are. Oh!” His eyes widened as he remembered something. “But try not to shoot any pigeons. Those are important.”

“Important?” Chase put the pieces together. “You mean...messenger birds?”

Jackie nodded. “I don’t expect anyone to send messages on the solstice except for an emergency, but there might be some arriving that were sent a fews days, or even a week, ago. It takes a while to fly across the island.”

“Got it. I won’t shoot any pigeons.” Chase shook his head, a bit in awe. “Messenger birds.” He’d heard of them, but never seen them in use. Somehow, they seemed almost as magical as actual magic. Getting letters sent across the kingdom in a matter of days? That was amazing. “I’ll just head out, then.”

“Good luck, Chase!” Jackie said cheerfully, waving as he turned to leave. “Be back before noon, that’s when the fun will start!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If possible, it was even colder out in the forest, away from the magic heat of the dragon bones. Chase clutched his jacket tighter and made sure his hat was securely on his head. He doubted that he’d find any animals out here. By Longest Night, most of them were hibernating. But it was worth a shot.

Snow crunched under his feet, so he slowed down, carefully placing every step so it wouldn’t make too much noise. There wasn’t a lot of foliage to hide behind in the winter, but he had made sure to grab a white jacket from storage to help him blend in. He’d also turned his hat inside out so that the red ribbon around it didn’t show. After a while, he found what he thought was a good spot to wait. So he settled down, nocking an arrow so it would be ready to fly at any moment.

The world became very still. The only sound he heard was his breath, accompanied by the small puffs of mist that breath caused in the cold. He made sure not to move a muscle.

Until there was a sudden sound. Footsteps, very light, being pursued by much heavier ones. His eyes darted towards the sound. The bare branches of a bush rustled, and suddenly a streak of brown fur dashed out in front of him followed by something much larger—

Chase reacted, letting go of the bow string and loosing the arrow. It shot through the air and landed solidly in the brown furry something. Shocked, he laughed in the rush of actually shooting something moving that fast. But then a voice cried, “I knew it!”

“Wh...?” And Chase finally noticed what the large something pursuing the small animal actually was. He looked up from his position near the ground to see...Lukas. It took him a moment to recognize him without his usual fox mask, but once the brown-auburn hair and tall longbow registered, his heart immediately sank with dread. “What are you doing—”

Lukas took an arrow out of the quiver on his back and nocked it, aiming at Chase. “Did you think you could take me out when nobody was looking?! Claim it was an accident?!”

“What in the world?!” Chase stood up. Slowly, of course, he didn’t want to get skewered by that massive arrow. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t try to play dumb, you just tried to kill me!”

“I was shooting the rabbit!” He pointed at the small animal, which was, in fact, a rabbit.

“A likely cover story.”

All of a sudden, Chase felt hot rage rise up his throat. “I know you hate me but you don’t have to be an idiot about it!” he burst out.

That seemed to take Lukas by surprise. He blinked, and lowered his bow slightly.

“I don’t know what kind of trust issues you have or where they come from, but I’m sick of you always acting this way! I’ve been here for almost a full season now, and you still act like I’m about to stab you in the back the first opportunity I get! I know, you’re probably thinking something like ‘he’s playing a long game to get everyone to trust him,’ but let’s be honest, you’re just looking for any justification to be like this. I wouldn’t trust someone like me in your position either, but I wouldn’t be so obvious about it. You don’t have to like me, you don’t have to trust me, but elders be damned, you don’t have to stir up this much trouble for Jackie and Henrik and everyone else here!” Chase ran out of breath and was forced to stop. He waited silently for Lukas’s reaction.

For a while, there wasn’t one. Lukas just...stared at him. Then he lowered his bow fully, putting the arrow back in its quiver. “What are you doing out here?” he asked in a carefully-neutral tone.

“We have some time before the real celebrations start, so I thought I’d help out by trying to find more food for the feast,” Chase explained. He walked past Lukas and picked up the rabbit, trying not to feel sad. Something about shooting rabbits made him feel guilty. Maybe he respected how hard they worked to stay alive, running so swiftly. Or maybe he thought they were cute. “What are you doing out here?”

“The same thing,” Lukas answered.

Chase snorted. “And you decided to bring that monster of a bow for hunting?”

“It’s more powerful than yours,” Lukas retorted.

“Yes, but it’s also heavier and more cumbersome. I remember my second day here, Holly said that big bows like that were more suited for long range, while shortbows—” Chase waved his bow as an example. “—are better for mobility. Look at all these trees. Do you think you’re able to shoot long range in a forest? Not to mention if you miss, you’ll end up burying your arrow in a tree with all the force you need to fire it. That’ll just be a pain to pull out.”

“I know all this,” Lukas said irritably. “But I’m most familiar with this style of bow. I can make it work.”

“Maybe if you weren’t stomping around the woods,” Chase muttered.

“Excuse me?”

“You were running after the rabbit. Bad idea; you’ll never catch up with them. It’s better to wait and let the animals come to you. If you have to move, be quieter about it. And slow. Conserve your energy; animals get tired faster than humans.” Chase glanced downwards. “You’re wearing heavy boots, I see. Those will make a lot of sound no matter how much you try to be quiet. And your clothes stand out, too. Especially that red band on your wrist. It’s bright and you have to hide it. Like I did.” He turns his cap right-side out again, letting the red ribbon show.

“Hmm.” Lukas eyed him. He did that quite a lot, but somehow, it felt different this time. More...respectful. “Well. I’ll keep that in mind.” He turned away.

“Um...right.” Now that Lukas was leaving, Chase felt the sudden energy that had filled him starting to fade away. “I’ll...see you at the celebrations, then.”

Lukas didn’t say anything, but he raised his hand in acknowledgement, not stopping as he headed back to camp.

Well...that wasn’t too bad, all things considered. Lukas clearly didn’t think worse of him. And he had managed to shoot a rabbit, something he’d rarely done in all his years as a hunter. Though he’d only done that because the rabbit was too busy running from Lukas to notice him crouching nearby. So really, he should thank him.

Maybe later. For now, Chase headed back to camp, ready to join in on the festivities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Chase returned to Wyvernlair, the festivities were starting to get underway. Games, mostly. People gathered in circles playing cards, or in threes playing dice, or in pairs playing board games. Others clustered around the players, watching the game and shouting encouragement. Some food was already prepared. Plates of sweet buns and meat pies were passed around. Chase grabbed a couple buns as he looked around.

But though the camp inside the circle of dragon bones was crowded, most people were out on the combat field. That was where the war games were set up. Chase decided to stop by for a moment. Even if he wasn’t going to participate, he wanted to see how things were going.

Targets were set up for archers to test their skill. People had grabbed close-quarters training weapons and were sparring, onlookers cheering on their favored winner. Someone had dragged over a rock and a large branch, setting up a makeshift see-saw that people were standing on top of, trying to knife-fight without losing their balance. Chase shook his head at that particular event. He himself had some scars on his hands from knife-fights as a young man; they really weren’t worth the bragging rights.

There was an especially large crowd gathered around one particular sparring match. Chase stopped, edging his way into the mass of people as he tried to see what was going on. Wait a minute...was that Jackie?

Indeed, Jackie was one of the sparring participants. And he was easily outclassing his opponent. He easily danced around jabs and swipes, not striking for a while, then jumped forward and hit his opponent on the side with his wooden practice sword. The crowd cheered, and the two participants backed away, shaking hands as they parted. Chase could’ve sworn he saw money change hands among the watchers.

“Anyone want to go for another round?” Jackie called to the crowd. “Doesn’t have to be to the first contact. What about to the ground?”

At that, a tall man grabbed a practice sword from a nearby rack, stepped forward, and announced, “I accept the challenge!” The crowd cheered again. “To the ground!”

Jackie grinned. “To the ground! Someone give us a count!”

In unison, the crowd started chanting, counting down from five as Jackie and his opponent started circling each other. Chase joined in. “Five!...Four!...Three!...Two!...One!...Clash!”

The two men immediately started going at each other with the practice swords, jabbing and backing up, swiping and dodging. The new opponent tried to make use of his height advantage, but Jackie was just too fast. The sparring lasted a few minutes and the crowd was enthralled for every second. Until Jackie managed to get behind his opponent and knock out his legs, making him fall to the ground. The crowd cheered. The opponent got up, looking no worse for wear and in good spirits. He shook hands with Jackie before leaving. Now Chase was sure he saw people exchanging money.

“He’s got skill, doesn’t he?”

Chase looked up, and saw Holly standing beside him. “Oh. Yea, he’s really good.”

Holly laughed. “That’s an understatement. You know he trained at Fíornear Field?” Chase nodded. “Well, so did I. But he could beat me in a fight nine times out of ten.”

“Really?” Chase asked, interested. “That many times? I thought it would’ve been closer between you two.”

“Everyone does. I say it’s the size difference. But what Jackie lacks in height, he makes up for in practice and sheer determination.” Holly watched as Jackie started sparring with another opponent. “Anyway, Chase. Come to watch or try your hand?”

Chase laughed. “No, no, just watching.”

“Well. In that case.” Holly leaned closer. “Care to try for chance?”

“You mean betting? Don’t tempt me.” Chase shook his head. “Besides, I can tell that betting against Jackie is a waste of time and money.”

“Doesn’t have to be at this spar. There’s many more war games to be had. I hear there’s axe throwing.”

“Axe throwing?” Chase perked up. “Alright, I have to see that. Lead the way.”

Holly laughed, and the two of them left, heading towards a set of targets. Indeed, some people had taken up throwing axes at these targets. Not competing against each other at the moment, only themselves, and also showing off for the passersby. Chase watched as one of the axe-throwers hit the center of her target. Then, surprisingly, he recognized the axe-thrower. “Nemet!” he called.

Nemet turned around, smiling at him. “Hello, Chase! How are you?”

“I’m doing fine. What are you...uh...I didn’t know you threw axes.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Is it so unexpected?”

Chase shrugged. “Well, you’re a doctor.”

“I am. I am a doctor who likes to throw axes.” Nemet picked up a throwing axe on the ground beside her. She held it back, paused to aim, and threw. It landed right next to the last one she threw. Holly and Chase clapped, impressed.

“Wanna shoot something, Brodyson?”

Chase yelped in surprise at the voice that came from behind him. He spun around to see Tripp grinning up at him. “You did that on purpose,” he accused.

“Maybe,” Tripp said. He was tossing a rock back and forth between his hands. Getting bored of that, he threw it to the side. Magically, the rock curved around, shooting for the target, where it bounced off the handle of one of Nemet’s axes. “Ah, almost a bull’s eye. Anyway, wanna shoot something, Brodyson? We could have a triple competition, axes versus arrows versus sorcery.”

“Hmm.” Chase considered it. “You know I had only planned to watch, but...that doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Don’t let him pressure you if you don’t want to, Chase,” Nemet said.

“No, do let him pressure you, I want to see this!” Holly insisted.

Chase laughed. “Alright, fine. Just a few rounds.”

Though as the afternoon passed, those few rounds stretched out into many. Chase had never been one for war games, but somehow, he didn’t mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, of course, came the main draw of the winter celebrations: the feast. The people who’d volunteered to cook had been preparing food all day, and shortly before sunset, declared it ready. Instantly, a good half of everyone dropped what they were doing and headed over to the cooking fires.

Chase wasn’t sure what to expect from the feast. Wyvernlair didn’t use tables for food, so would everyone be standing around with plates? But it seemed as though they’d found tables, if just for today. Probably borrowed from storage. Some of the meat stayed on the skewer, roasting over the fires to keep it hot until someone wanted it. But most food was lined up on the tables, free to take. Sweet buns and meat pies, of course, but also preserved fruits that had been kept for a special occasion like this, and tarts covered in sugar, and pumpkin pie, and roasted potatoes, and more than could be counted.

Everyone ate until they couldn’t anymore, washing down the food with water, juice, and ale. Chase savored it, mingling and talking with the other Phantoms. And for once, he didn’t feel out of place here.

Time passed. The sun set. And as the feast died down, most people began talking about the Dark Vigil, the ceremony used to honor the Elder of Dark and thank them for protecting humankind from the shadows. Chase yawned. They’d be holding that in the center of camp, where a spot had been cleared specifically for that purpose. But it would be some time before everyone was ready. So, Chase decided to slip out. He headed towards the outside of the skeleton, away from the noise and bustle.

The stars were beautiful tonight. It was clear, without any clouds fogging the view, and the moon was nearly full. Chase leaned back against the bone and stared upward. He hadn’t really had the opportunity to appreciate the world lately. It was all busy, working with the Masked Phantoms. But it was nice to slow down for a moment.

Some minutes passed in silence. Then, he heard footsteps approaching. And then, a small thud, the sound of stumbling, and a muttered “Shiesse!”

Chase looked over towards the sounds, already grinning. “You doing alright there, Henrik?”

With a huff, Henrik emerged from the darkness. “I would be better if I know no one heard that,” he muttered.

Chase laughed. “Anyway, how’re you doing? I haven’t seen you all day.”

“Ah, I am fine.” Henrik leaned against the bone next to Chase. “I have been stuck in a dice game for most of the evening. I almost missed the moonrise.”

“I see. Jackie told me you had to do something around then. Is it like the Dark Vigil?” Chase asked.

“Similar, in ways. Different, in others.” Henrik looked up at the sky. He pointed upwards, at the moon. “She is beautiful tonight, yes? I never understood why your Elders never come from the sky.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Well, I understand there is the Winged Elder One, but they are for more weather, yes?” Henrik kept his eyes fixed skywards. “None of them are for the heavens.”

“Well why would they be?” Chase shrugged. “The sky’s beautiful and wonderful. But it’s so far away. We live on the earth. Shouldn’t we be more concerned with what’s down here?”

“Hmm. Perhaps.” Henrik sighed. He reached down his belt, removing his flask and taking a drink.

“Oh—” Chase started to say something, then stopped. It would probably be rude to ask, wouldn’t it?

Henrik looked over at him, and guessed what he was about to say. “Yes, I am still taking the medicine. It is...not something that goes away.”

“Sorry,” Chase mumbled. “I shouldn’t have—”

“Is okay,” Henrik said, giving him a small smile. “You are polite about it, so I do not mind.” He returned the flask to his belt. “Ah, though I am afraid I must change the subject now. I just remembered. We managed to get the materials for more plaster this week. So you can finally have a mask of your own!”

“I can?” Chase repeated.

“No need to sound so surprised,” Henrik chuckled.

“I did? I didn’t mean to. It just seems a bit...unreal.” Chase had left his borrowed mask, the hedgehog one, back in his tent. Most people had—or at least he assumed they had, since most of them were walking around without them.

“Yes, I understand.” Henrik nodded thoughtfully. “Do you want to wait?”

“Wait no, I didn’t say that—”

“I am just making sure.” Henrik playfully nudged his shoulder. “You will need to choose an animal, you know. Do you have anything in mind?”

“Oh right. I forgot about that part.” Chase thought about it for a moment. “What about...a deer?”

Henrik raised an eyebrow. “A deer?”

“Is that not allowed? I mean, Tripp’s mask has those ram horns so I figured antlers would—”

“No, is not that, I just suppose I did not expect that.”

Chase shrugged. “I like deer. They’re good animals. Um...do I have to make the mask myself, or...?”

“You can if you want, but if you’re not artistically inclined, someone else could do it easily enough. It’s not that difficult if you are...” Henrik trailed off. He was staring out into the trees, eyes fixed on a point. “Chase. Is something moving there?” And he pointed.

“Hm?” Chase peered into the darkness. Indeed, he could see the faint movement of shadows. “Oh, yea. It’s probably just an animal.” He paused. “That’s...getting closer?”

They looked at each other, but unsure what to do with this information, just turned back to watch the animal get closer. And closer. It was too small to be a threat, but Chase felt Henrik tense anyway. Eventually, the animal got close enough to make out what it was. “A...cat?” Chase asked, confused.

“A cat,” Henrik agreed.

“What’s a cat doing all the way out here?”

“I am not sure...” Henrik said slowly, brows lowered as he thought through the possibilities.

The cat continued its course, walking in a straight line up to the two of them. Chase crouched down and held out his hand. “Here, kitty.” Once it was close enough, the cat sniffed his hand. Then, satisfied, butted its head against it. Chase laughed. “Y’know I haven’t met that many cats. When I was young, maybe about twelve, Pastor Cait had a cat. We joked about that, since her name was so similar, ha. But it’s gone now. I don’t think the town had another cat since then. A couple dogs, but no cats.” He reached out and petted it. And after a few seconds of that, scooped up the cat and stood. “Does someone here have a cat?”

“No, there are no animals in camp,” Henrik said, still puzzled. “Does it have a collar?”

Chase checked. Difficult, given that the cat clearly didn’t like being held and was wriggling a bit. “Yea, right here.” He pointed to a braided leather collar around the cat’s neck. “No name, though. For the cat or its person.”

“Well. It is cold and snowy, and even with that fur, I don’t think the cat enjoys being out here,” Henrik stated. “Maybe we should take it into camp? We have that fire set up in the skull now, that could warm it up.”

“Good idea.”

The two of them headed back, passing between the dragon bones and into the main body of Wyvernlair. By now, the festivities were starting to die down. Games were ending, and a lot of people were getting ready to attend the Dark Vigil. Chase and Henrik walked quickly by, since the cat was really struggling against being held by this point. Luckily, it hadn’t used its claws yet, but Chase could already feel them digging into the fabric of his jacket.

They reached the skull soon, passing through the gap where it joined the rest of the bones and ending up inside. It was almost empty here. Except for two people and several birds. Chase blinked a bit at the surprising sight, but then remembered what Jackie had told him that morning. So these must be messenger birds, then. There were about seven of them, pigeons in a variety of colors; white, gray, brown, spotted. Actually, Jackie was here, too. Along with Ana, who Chase had figured out by now was the head of organization at Wyvernlair. They both seemed rather impatient, quickly putting away documents. Probably heading to the Vigil like most others.

Ana looked up, noticed Chase and Henrik, then turned to Jackie and said, “It’s your best friend and his best friend. They have a cat.”

“They have a what?” Jackie spun to look at them. “Oh elders, you have a cat. Where’d you get a cat?”

“It just wandered up,” Chase said. “We thought it might like to get out of the cold—ow!” The cat dug its claws into his skin, managing to pierce the jacket, and Chase instinctively opened his arms. Of course, the cat landed on its feet, and trotted over to the side of the fire, which was slowly dying but still giving off a lot of heat.

“I’ve never seen a cat like that before,” Jackie muttered. “That’s a really unique pattern, isn’t it?” The cat was mostly a brownish off-white, but its ears and tails were dark gray, almost black, and the tail had rings of lighter gray. Its legs were striped with light brown, and it had markings on its face of the same color. Big blue eyes stared up at the strange people.

“Oh!” Henrik’s eyes lit up. “I had not noticed outside! It was fairly dark. Oh, you are a pretty kitty, aren’t you?” He slowly approached the cat, and when it didn’t run away, bent over and started petting it.

Meanwhile, Ana was bored, and anxious to leave. She looked at Chase, and her eyes lit up with a strangely sly expression. “Hey, it’s Chase, isn’t it? Do you mind helping me open this?” She held out a small tube made of metal and leather. “I’ve been trying for a while, I think it’s stuck.”

“Um..sure,” Chase said warily. Was this going to be a joke of some kind? He took the small tube and turned it over in his hands. There was a door on the side of it, and after some effort, he figured out how to open it. Out fell three items. Two folded pieces of paper, made of pressed wood pulp and therefore pale brown, and a rolled-up piece of vellum tied with twine. “What’s this?”

“Messages,” Ana said, grinning. “Can you see names written on them?”

Chase looked down at the items, sorting through them. There was writing on the folded papers, but...well, it could just be his lack of reading skills, but it looked like absolute nonsense. “These are names?” he asked doubtfully.

Jackie and Henrik looked away from the cat, noticing the exchange between Chase and Ana. “What do you mean?” Jackie asked.

“These words written here, these are...names?” Chase shook his head. “I’ve just never heard names like this before. Um...here, I-I’ll try to read them. Uh...” He squinted at the writing in ink on the two papers. “This one is ‘Ee-uh-oo-koh’ and this one is...um...‘Ffssehffmuh.’ I think? The handwriting could be—”

Henrik’s eyes widened. Suddenly, he was right next to Chase, grabbing his arm and squeezing it tightly. “What is it?! The two papers?! Which one is—that one, can I see that one?”

“Whoa, hey, calm down!” Chase leaned back. “You mean this one?” He held out the paper with the ‘Fsefma’ name on it.

“Yes!” Henrik snatched it up, then retreated, unfolding it.

Jackie leaned over his shoulder, then grinned. “Oh, I see. Vsevna sent you a little letter, didn’t he? What’s it say? Is he confessing his love?”

“Shut up, Jackie,” Henrik said, holding the letter far away from him so he couldn’t read it. “Is just another report.”

Jackie laughed. “Yea, with your name on it. Come on, Henrik.”

“That does not mean anything.”

Chase, listening, raised an eyebrow. “So...I don’t know everything that’s going on, but I think I can figure out that this Fsefna person—”

“Vsevna,” Henrik corrected.

“...Vsefna—”

“Vsevna. It is important that you voice those sounds.”

“He’s the person you’re pining for, huh, Henrik?” Chase pressed on.

Henrik was slowly turning red. “I say nothing.”

“Right,” Chase said, grinning. “So, who is he?”

“He’s another one of the Phantoms,” Jackie said, sensing that Henrik wasn’t going to answer. “He and Yuko—that’s the other name on that second paper. Last we heard, they were in the Southern Moors with the rest of their crew. They said they’d scout it out for a bit more, then move on. These are probably their reports. Or...Yuko’s is a report, at least.”

“Shush,” Henrik muttered. He retreated a few steps away from the others, clutching the letter. As he passed Ana, he shot her a glare. “You make Chase open that on purpose.”

Ana just smiled. “Same results, right? Anyway, that’s the last capsule. Do you mind if I head out now?”

“No, go ahead, Ana. Send Harrison to take care of the birds,” Jackie said. She nodded, and left the skull. He then looked at Chase. “Uh...can I have the other two things?”

“Oh right.” Chase forgot he was still holding the other paper and the vellum scroll. He handed them over to Jackie, and the metal tube as well. “I’m surprised. That’s a lot for a bird to carry.”

“Well these guys are trained for it.” Jackie gestured at the pigeons, now strutting around the table. “Especially Mokin here, who had this stuff.” He patted the wings of a particular pigeon, mostly white but with brown wings, which had strangely curly feathers. “They all deserve the best seeds before we send them out again. Anyway.” Jackie unfolded the paper with Yuko’s name on it, scanning the words written there. At first, he looked excited to get a letter from this person. But the more he read, the more serious his expression became. “Henrik.”

Henrik looked away from his own letter, picking up on the tone in Jackie’s voice. “What is it?”

“I...read this while I open this scroll.” Jackie passed Henrik the letter, then began working on the twine knot holding the vellum shut.

Henrik read the letter quickly, and soon his expression matched Jackie’s. “Oh. Oh, Schwestern. Oh, no.”

Chase started to back up, feeling he shouldn’t listen to something like this. But Jackie noticed him leaving and said, “No, it’s fine, Chase. We should tell everyone this, anyway. Tomorrow, maybe.”

“What is it?” Chase asked anxiously.

“Well...you remember we told you about Marvin, right?” Jackie said slowly. “About how he went out on his own and we sometimes get reports of him?” He waited for Chase to nod before continuing. “This...was a report about him. Apparently, he was in the Moors. But...he didn’t just cause chaos and leave. He’s been...caught.”

“Caught?” Chase repeated numbly.

Jackie managed to untie the twine, and unrolled the vellum, scanning what was written there. He nodded grimly. “Yep. You know what this is?” He turned it around so Chase could see.

“That’s...a royal declaration, isn’t it?” Chase asked slowly. He recognized the format, and the royal seal in the corner. “Um...‘The King...announces a...mighty...triumph.’”

“You do not have to keep going, Chase,” Henrik said bitterly. “There are better words to read than that.” He took the declaration from Jackie, glancing at it for just a moment. “I see. Marvin is accused of attempting to kill the King and some other nobility. They caught him in the act, and now...they plan to execute him. Four weeks from now.”

Jackie looked over at the cat, now sitting and licking its paws, and gasped. “Henrik. You don’t think that’s his cat, do you?!”

“What? I suppose perhaps. But if it is, how did it get all the way up here?” Henrik sounded puzzled. “It takes a week or two to get to the Moors from here, and that is for humans on horseback. For a cat...”

“Wizardry?” Jackie guessed. “I don’t know, it was just a thought, since he likes cats so much.”

Everyone fell silent. Henrik looked back at the royal declaration, reading it slowly, taking in the information. “So...how are we going to do this?”

“Do what?” Jackie asked.

Henrik stared at him in surprise. “Well, we have to rescue him, of course.” Jackie didn’t say anything. “Do not tell me that you’re going to let your grudge stand in the way!”

“No, it’s not that!” Jackie protested. “It’s just—you read the letter, right? Yuko said that these declarations were sent everywhere. Since when has the King announced his next move like this? Everything he does, he does in secret. I mean, damn, the Phantoms are just rumors, and we’ve been taking serious action for years now. He’s hushed up so much, why wouldn’t he just make Marvin...you know, disappear? Why a public execution?”

“You think it is a trap,” Henrik stated.

“Well...yes,” Jackie admitted.

“That is fair, but if it’s a trap, who is he planning to catch? If he wants information about us, he could get it from Marvin.”

“But Marvin hasn’t been part of the group for a year now! His information would be out of date.”

“This does not change the fact that there is no guarantee it’s a trap in the first place. Perhaps he wants to strike fear into the population. Given his actions, it seems likely.”

“If it does turn out to be a trap, though, we can’t afford to lose anyone!”

Chase coughed awkwardly. Jackie and Henrik jumped, then turned to him, looking embarrassed to be fighting while he was still there. “You know...I don’t know if I have any place in this. I mean, you two are in charge, after all. But...I think you should try to get him back.”

Henrik and Jackie looked at each other, then back to Chase. “Are you trying to say something?” Jackie asked.

“I just...” Chase paused for a moment, searching for the words. “I don’t think...you should leave someone behind. He was still part of the Phantoms, right? Didn’t he help create it? A-and weren’t you three...Well. You don’t have to talk to him after we rescue him, but it just doesn’t seem right to leave someone behind in this situation. I know you had your fight and all, but maybe...this could be...you know.” He paused. “Also, I want to know if this cat is his or if some random cat just wandered by.”

Jackie laughed. “Yea, that would be good to know, wouldn’t it?” He sighed, and his expression fell, becoming serious as he was lost in thought.

Henrik leaned closer to him and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Jackie. Chase is right, this does not mean he is rejoining the group. You do not even have to go. But...we should do it. Marvin does not deserve this.”

After a moment, Jackie nodded. “You’re both right. Of course. Even though he was an ass last time we talked, that doesn’t mean I want Marvin dead.” He took a deep breath. “But we should prepare for the possibility of a trap. Just in case.”

“Of course we will,” Henrik assured him.

“...Hey. Chase.” Jackie gave him a smile. “Thank you. I-I don’t know what it is about you, but you know what to say. It’s really easy to talk to you about stuff like this.”

“It’s not a problem,” Chase said, returning the smile. “But, um...I think the Vigil is happening soon, so if we want to go—”

“Shit, I almost forgot about that!” Jackie gasped. “Henrik, I don’t want to leave the cat alone, can you look after it or something?”

“Don’t worry, I will take it to my tent,” Henrik said. “You two go and...is it alright to wish you fun? In a ceremony like this?”

“Come on, Schneep, you’ve lived here for over a decade, don’t talk like it’s so strange to you,” Jackie chuckled.

“I think it’s fun,” Chase said.

“Well, you two go have fun, then,” Henrik said. “I will see you later. Tomorrow, if not tonight.”

“Thanks, Schneep.” Jackie gave him a quick one-armed hug, then headed towards the skull entrance. “Let’s go, Chase. We don’t want to be late.”

They almost were. The Dark Vigil was about to start when they arrived, shuffling into the crowd. Everyone stood in a circle around a set of candles, one blue and the rest black, which were in turn set in a circle around several smooth, round pieces of black onyx. Three people stood inside, lighting the candles.

After the candles were alight, everyone sat on the ground, clashing a bit as they all tried to make room. Then once everyone was sitting with their legs crossed, the three in the center started the Vigil. They spoke the traditional lines, describing the Elder of Dark—their vague appearance, their actions, their history with the other Elders—and finished it by thanking them for their guardianship. Everyone joined in on the final part: “As you stand and watch vigil, so shall we this night.” And then silence fell.

During the silence of the Dark Vigil, each individual offered their thoughts about those who needed protection. In the past, Chase had asked for his family to be alright. For them all to stay healthy and happy. Today, he asked for that again. He wished, silently, desperately, for them to be safe. And not just them, but everyone else who had disappeared from his town, as well as all the other mountain towns that had been destroyed. He thought about Henrik and Jackie and all the other Phantoms he’d met here, and wished for them to have luck in this fight against the King. He thought about Marvin, someone who he’d never met but who was dear to his friends, and wished for them to be able to rescue him.

As Chase stared at the candle flames, he thought he saw...something. He wasn’t sure what. A shape in the smoke. The shape of a four-legged animal, with...antlers. A deer.

Then as was the tradition, the candles were extinguished, and the night was left in darkness.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticegos #jacksepticeye au #septic egos #septic egos au #chase brody #jackieboy man #dr schneeplestein #brigid writes fanfiction #fantasymasksau

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mavda · 3 years ago

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Beast Tamers

Ch.1 | Ch.2 | Ch.3 | Ch.4(1) | Ch.4(2) | Ch.5(1) | Ch.5(2) | Ch.5(3) | Ch.5(4) | Ch.6(1) | Ch.6(2) | Ch.6(3) | Ch.7(1) | Ch.7(2) | Ch.7(3) | Ch.7(4) | Ch.7(5) | Ch.8(1) | Ch.8(2) | Ch.8(3) | Ch.9(1) | Ch.9(2) | Ch.9(3) | Ch.9(4) | Ch.10(1) | Ch.10(2) | Ch.10(3) | Ch.10(4) | Ch.10(5) | Ch.10(6) | Ch.10(7) |

Ch.11: The Hyuga clan (1)

Hinata wakes late in the morning. She takes her time leaving her bed. First she stares at her empty bedroom, then rises on her arms, stands there as the air brushes around her. She doesn’t look at the calendar and keeps her eyes away from the mirror as she brushes her hair looking out to the garden.

A maid comes to check up on her and seeing her awake, informs the guards outside to call for more maids and hurriedly comes and finishes brushing her hair.

They are nice. They chatter and liven up the room and make sure to ask Hinata about her wellbeing and if there is anything -anything at all- that she needs. But what Hinata needs is far away from her grasp and she only smiles and nods and asks for a light breakfast the maids run to get.

The maids leave her with her body freshened, her hair brushed and her kimono comfortably hugging her belly. Neji enters immediately after the last maid excuses herself from the room.

“Lady Hinata,” he greets. He has been a reliable partner now that Naruto is gone, making sure to accompany her, making sure she takes care of herself. Making sure she attends her medical appointments with Sakura. “Lady Sakura is ready to see you.”

Their walk is quiet, and a far cry of those uncomfortable silences that used to fill their conversations in the Hyuga compound. It’s a quietness brought by spending so much time together they have almost lost topics to talk about.

The normal topics, of course, the topics they can share and not feel like they need a confession and a justification to be understood.

Hinata feels ashamed to speak of her past and Neji feels guilty over them. So they rebuild a relationship by putting a mantle over their shared past. The selves they don’t really want to remember.

Why would they? Those times won’t come back and they are better off without them.

Neji helps Hinata go up a set of stairs and Sakura’s pink hair can be seen in the distance, moving towards them with a fast pace and a smile Hinata can’t help but return.

“My lady!”

“Sakura,” Hinata feels herself a little short of breath, but taking into account the size her belly is growing into it is to be expected. Sakura has assured her it is the most normal of changes.

The medic greets Neji as well. His presence growing into everyone in the compound as his role as Hinata’s caretaker has cemented over time. As his care is so obvious they have all bonded over their shared relationship with the clan’s lady. Short nods here and there, the shared of their day’s as they meet each other in the hallways.

Hinata is the first to notice and comment on Sakura’s new feature. “Sakura… wh-what is that?” Sakura tilts her head in confusion and Hinata points to her face. “Your f-forehead-”

“Oh!” Sakura’s hand jumps to her face, “Is it showing already?”

Her hand brushes away her bangs and reveals a diamond shaped tattoo in the middle of her forehead, her eyes look up in an attempt to see what she clearly can’t.

“It looks like a diamond shaped… seal?” ventures Neji and Sakura nods as she lets her hand rest at her side again.

“Correct. Found the technique in one of the scrolls Lord Jiraiya brought this time. I’m just surprised it’s showing already, it’s supposed to be harder, I think- or well, it’s what was written in the scroll. I have yet to read it in full, though, so maybe there’s something I’ve missed.”

Sakura massages her forehead as they come inside her office, offering a seat for Lady Hinata, Neji usually stands near them at a distance. “But hey, I’m not complaining.”

“W-what is it for?”

“Chakra storage, basically. It had a name but I- well, I frankly just skimmed past it, sorry,” Hinata giggles at her honesty and Sakura smiles as she takes a seat in front of her, “It said it was the pinnacle of chakra control or something, so I thought it would be harder to- you know, show results.”

“Your chakra control is formidable, Lady Sakura,” comments Neji, remembering the way she fights with bursts of precisely released chakra from her fists for maximum damage. If her control was lacking the energy would just run wild inside of her and all that power would probably destroy her from within. He wonders who trained her and how, even he would have trouble managing all of that output at once. But he is a Hyuga first, so-

“Who t-trained you?”

Neji has to bite down the snort that threatens to spill forth.

“Mainly Lord Minato, but Lady Mito and Lord Jiraiya helped me too, after I was capable of becoming a sparring partner to the lord, he also gave me some pointers.”

Hinata keeps her hands to her sides as Sakura’s glowing hands caresses her belly.

“Well… Lord Minato did always tell me that I had a gift with chakra control, but I always assumed he was being nice,” her green eyes lock with Hinata’s and they crinkle, “I guess he was right.”

“I w-would say so, too,” Hinata says, full of conviction. Sakura thins her lips and whispers a thank you that makes her feel warm all over.

“How much chakra can you store?” Asks Neji then, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes scanning the ground around them.

“Years’ worth, it said. I have a couple of months now, but I’m not stopping.”

Neji looks solemn the next moment, lost in his thoughts, “that’s good.”

Sakura agrees. Whatever adds something to them. She senses Lady Hinata’s increasing worry in the way her eyes travel from her to Neji, so she changes subjects with a chirp in her voice. “There were also a bunch of new scrolls about healing techniques,” Lady Hinata’s eye open with curiosity, but then Sakura remembers immediately after how this topic could lead to Lord Naruto’s wellbeing, so she keeps on talking, “nothing about pregnancy, sadly, my lady, but as always, I can assure you that I have done my research and studying.”

Her hands leave Lady Hinata’s stomach and the lady’s hand cover the empty space immediately after. “I know,” she whispers and her thumb gives her pregnant belly a rub, “I t-trust you, Sakura.”

Lady Hinata looks like the epitome of a pregnant woman now. Round belly, motherly looking. The soft and kind expression mothers ought to wear. Sakura is glad this child will have a mother like that.

“I will do my best to answer to your expectations, my lady.”

Hinata gets flustered and Sakura pokes fun at her for being so nice the next second. What a lovely lady, they have. What a lovely wife her master has. Sakura can’t help but remember hushed worries, whispered secrets, and seeing her lady now in front of her, full of… everything that was denied to her master before, is enough to make her feel emotional.

Everything is all right with the lady. Everything is all right with the child.

“I’m sure the lord will be happy when he comes back,” Sakura assures, and she can see the worry in her lady’s eyes.

But Sakura can vouch for this particular topic. Naruto will be happy.

•····························•····························•

Lady Hinata looks a little too in her thoughts that week. She spaces out and more often than not Neji has to repeat whatever he was saying for him to get an answer.

Not that he minds doing so. But it is an issue that nestles inside his mind, so one afternoon, after their walk, as he pours a refreshment for Lady Hinata, he asks.

“Is there something worrying you, my lady?”

Lady Hinata says nothing, so Neji knows it is something important.

She sits with her feet dangling off the hallway near her bedroom, one hand on her belly, the other swirling her drink with conscious effort. Neji sits, too, near her but not close, far away but not distant.

“If it is something you don’t want to share-”

“It’s a b-boy.”

Her hand moves up to her mouth, as if the words came out without her permission, but there is no pain behind the action, there is no worry in the air. Just… resignation.

“Does Lord Naruto-?”

“Sakura, you and m-me are the only ones who k-know.”

Neji closes his mouth. Undeserving, is the only word that fills his mind at first. He feels he pushed Lady Hinata to share this information. If she had wanted then she would ha-

“Neji…”

“Yes, my lady?”

“I… I’m scared…” Her voice is a whisper, drowned out, the wind around her sounds louder than her.

Neji is sitting at a proper distance one moment and the next he is right beside her, her hand on hers. “Don’t be. Lord Naruto will love the child and you know it.”

Because she did, right? If anyone knew him as a man and father it was her and it was enough to see Lord Naruto around Lady Hinata to know how much the man loved her and the child- It was a love they had never known, sure, but it was so clear, so strong that even Neji could swear on it.

“That’s not…” Hinata takes her time with her words, as emotion fills in and pushes around her, “that just m-makes it harder, d-doesn’t it? What Naruto h-had to go through...”

“My lady…”

Hinata sips on her drink in an attempt to keep her feelings in check, but Neji’s concern shows so clearly it strikes a chord inside of her she can’t control. Her chin trembles and she only has time to let her glass on the floor before a tear falls down her cheek.

Neji is right there, with a tissue she doesn’t know where it came from dabbing at her face. It only makes the tears fall heavier.

“My lady…”

Hinata doesn’t intend to bare herself in front of her cousin this way, had always thought this confession would be shared in a boring afternoon, after they had shared the updates of each other’s lives, almost like an afterthought. Neji, you know-

“Th-thank you for being h-here.”

Neji’s hand stops. His whole body freezes. No.

And now that Hinata has let her mind free, she can’t stop it.

“Th-thank you for not h-hating me like e-everyone else…”

Neji feels like he can throw up. The disgust that creeps up on him as Lady Hinata is the one thanking him for…

“Lady Hinata, please-” her face lifts up and stares at him and Neji has never felt so vulnerable and ashamed. He had entertained the idea, had imagined a scenario in which his cousin didn’t resent him like she should, had dreamed of earning the chance of being able to do something more than be a bad memory. “don’t... “ his hand wipes the tears that stain her cheeks. Half his body is screaming for him to reject whatever chance of forgiveness Lady Hinata offers and hide away and forever, his shame dying with him. The other half is eager to catch this chance, hungry for something he has learned too late, so alien he barely knows how to handle it.

Lady Hinata, even after all she had gone through, was able to keep on loving her father, and if she could do that to a man like that… Neji was kept up at night sometimes, would she have the same deference with him? Would that be possible?

He didn’t know he would feel like screaming in pain when given this opportunity.

“I… realized too late- I... do not deserve this opportunity.” His hand trembles and he is barely holding hers, but she grabs onto him, not with strength, but firm. If he lets go, she will let him. “If… you are willing to give me this chance, then I- whatever you may need, whatever you may ask, I will-”

Lady Hinata shakes her head, “No, I want… not as a s-servant but as my f-family…”

Neji feels hot running down his cheeks, and he can only nod. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she repeats, her head falls to his stomach and Neji moves closer. Her hand on his hand, his other arm awkwardly surrounding her.

“I will be right behind you, then,” he swears and Hinata nods against his clothes. The closest they’ve been, the most vulnerable they have ever been with each other.

“I don’t think we have ever hugged, ever,” he adds.

Lady Hinata snorts and her shoulders shake, her breath warm against his body. Neji rubs circles at her back, “I’m right behind you.”

#naruto #naruhina #Naruto Uzumaki #Hinata Hyuga #uzumaki naruto #hyuga hinata #fanfiction #fanfic #beast tamers #ch.11 #part 1 #mah babies #have a great one and see you next week!

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buckysred · 3 years ago

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this is just a forewarning if you can’t handle or don’t want to read about me shitting on your fav acotar characters, DONT READ THIS. This will also contain spoilers from all the books so beware of that too.

okay now let’s rant about acotar.

when i first started reading this series, I was super excited bc of all the hype it got. and lemme tell you i LOVED the first book. didn’t like tamlin (bc of tiktok it got spoiled about rhys so i knew who to route for), but i loved lucien and the plot. i was all, yay badass female with a bow!! i’m a sucker for that trope, sue me. loved the whole trials thing and the weird ass wyrm. LOVED RHYSAND. I adored the first book.

then….. we got to a court of mist and fury. this is the time to leave if this is your favorite book ever. rhysand sucked in this book. i loved the beginning with him coming and getting feyre from the wedding. and then you read about the inner circle and their ideals and you love all of them…..then you get to the mating bond proclamation. and suddenly it’s revealed rhys isn’t this morally grey guy, he suddenly has a perfect thought out reason for every bad thing he’s ever done. *rhys finger points* tamlins the villian not me. *eye roll* i get if you need him to explain some of the wack ass shit he did *cough drugging feyre under the mountain cough* but now he’s all sunshine and rainbows. can someone say BOOOOORRRRINNNGGG. not to mention the sheer wack ness with him and feyres sexy shit at the end like the “mine” thing was just giving all kind of wrong vibes (considering 80 percent of this book was rhys telling feyre she bows and is owned by no one.) but thus i still adored lucien, feyre, cass, mor, azriel, and nesta. So we powered on.

Now a court of wings and ruin is my favorite book out of the whole series. i loved the action, i loved getting to not only see feysand but we got the high lord meeting with everyone and our little sprinkles of nessian and elucien. i loved mor in this book, ifykyk. after the first 100 pages, the book did get a little slow but it picked up quickly after another 50 pages. honestly really no complaints about it, expect i wish we could’ve gotten more nessian (at the time anyways) and more of eris and mors backstory. (and for everyone to stop treating lucien like the villian but no one’s ready for that convo)

then we had a court of frost and starlight and i’m gonna be honest i barley read this book. it was pretty much feyre painting and feysand having “fun” so that’s all i’m gonna say about it.

Now let’s talk a court of silver flames. this book is the bane to my existence. and not in the amazing bridgerton way(ifykyk), in the i can’t even believe these are the same characters i fell in love with way. Can we just shout all together “RHYSAND IS THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE IN ACOTAR”. i can’t even remember how many times he told feyre that people in velaris were FrEe to speak and do as they wish. but then here comes nesta who’s been through a shit ton of trauma and doesn’t let rhysand walk all over her and all the sudden that proclamation doesn’t exist anymore. can we talk about the whole “meeting” they marched nesta into to give her the ultimatum of going to the human lands or being locked up in house of wind. like? god just thinking about this scene makes me want to scream into a pillow. feyre is now this super emotional character (since when?) and let’s RHYSAND, who has previously voiced his disdain for nesta (but not elain bc “elain is elain”, whatever the hell that means) make this plan for her. i think rhys ripped a page out of tamlins book for this one. not to mention the way they brought up like “how can we show velaris we are all powerful if we cant even control you, nesta” *evilly twirls mustache” like eewwwwwwwwww. UGH. you did not just make a justification on someone who is emotionally traumatized and is dealing with it in the only way she’s knows how as a political issue. we all know if feyre was doing what nesta was doing in acomaf, rhysand would’ve allowed it 10x over. H Y P O C R I T E. not to mention this whole “ultimatium” to make it seem like they were such the good guys giving nesta a “choice” was such bull😭 like “nesta what shall you choose “a drawn out death in the human lands or imprisonment”…… i think i know what i’d choose. and don’t even give me the nesta wasnt imprisoned argument bc yes she damn well was. the inner circle KNEW nesta couldn’t make it down those bazillion steps bc of how malnourished she was and that’s exactly why amren said it all smug. there’s so much more i could go into about silver flames like cassian being a horrendous person, which was a complete 180 for his character, and elain giving up on the one person who’s protected her her entire life, nesta being the only decent person to tell feyre she’s going to kick the rusty bucket. etc. the list goes on. but i’ll save that for another post another day. this rant so super long so if you read all this, i appreciate it. (still love my baby az tho) (p.s. i hope he doesn’t get with elain or gwyn)

just a reminder this is not an attack on anyone who loves these characters, i see the appeal truly. I just needed to rant about them. okay ily.

#acotar #anti acosf #nesta acosf #a court of silver flames #a court of thorns and roses #anti rhysand

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goneseriesanalysis · 4 years ago

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Misogyny In Gone

Spoilers for the Gone series down below - please don’t read if you haven’t read all the books

Also minor spoilers for the monster trilogy

TW: Mention of non-consensual s*xual activity

In one of my first ever posts about Gone, I mentioned that when I first read the series I found myself strangely intrigued by characters such as Caine and Drake, whilst disliking or simply being disinterested in female characters, such as Astrid or Lana. Now, in that post I chalked that up to being a result f the internalised misogyny that a lot of girls experience through the teenage years, but looking back I really don’t think I was giving younger me enough credit. I was reading plenty of other books at the time where I had absolutely no problem relating to the female characters. So that got me thinking as to why my experience was so different with Gone. I asked a question the other day about why @gone-series-orchid thought so many younger fans fixate on Drake in particular. And when I was answering the question myself, I found myself realising that it wasn’t so much a connection with that character, but more a disconnect from any female characters - the characters who I would usually relate to.

It made me realise that the issue was not with younger me, but with the writing itself. I began thinking back to various plot points, and it made me realise that women are heavily villainised throughout the series, without them being actual villains. This creates a set-up where you have numerous female character who are subtextually punished in a way that is usually associated with wrongdoers, without actually giving them the autonomy to make the decision to be bad. And so of course 11-14 year old me didn’t like them. And I instead developed an obsession with a sociopathic misogynist, which is really harmful for obvious reasons. Now, I really don’t think mg did this on purpose, but it’s there all the same and so I’m gonna talk about a few things that are irking me as I’m looking back.

Quick disclaimer that I have only re-read Gone so far so I don’t have quotes for evidence as I usually do, and I may even be misremembering some plot points. But I wanted to get my thoughts down while they are still fresh so here goes.

My first thought is that a lot of the villains we see, even the smaller ones, are male. We have Orc for a short amount of time in the first book. We have Caine, Drake and Zil. And even most of the background antagonists are male (Howard, Panda, Mallet, Hank, Turk, Lance, Bug). While you can argue that a lot of these characters are rather one-dimensional and cartoonish, they all have two things in common. Agency and autonomy. They are all able to make their own decisions (with the possible exception of Caine in Hunger). They all have their own clear and distinctive reasons for doing the things that they do and they are all relatively sane - I suppose you could argue against Drake being sane but realistically he is fully capable of making rational decisions when he needs to which would indicate that he is to at least some extent.

And this is something that any female villains just...never have?? And I literally mean all of them. I’m going to go through them one by one.

(Reminder that I’m talking about these characters specifically in their role as an antagonist - some of them do possess agency and autonomy outside of these roles but that is another topic of discussion)

So first we have Diana. Not really a villain, but certainly an antagonist in the first book. So let’s look - Agency?? No. Her role as an antagonist is dependant solely on Caine’s actions, rather than any desires of her own - even the few scenes where she manipulates Jack. She’s doing it to protect herself from Drake...another male villain. Not because of any villainous intentions that she herself has. Autonomy?? No. She is thrown around (literally) by Caine and is forced to go along with HIS schemes, despite actively voicing her unwillingness. She is even forcefully kissed by him - she has no right to self-government and no moral independence for as long as she remains an antagonist.

Lisa - If I remember correctly, Lisa is the name of the sole (I believe) female member of the human crew. So let’s get straight into it because I barely remember her. Agency?? I don’t think so. Now, I could be wrong here but I’m pretty sure we don’t even get an explanation as to WHY she joined the human crew in the first place. If that is the case then that’s a big fat nope for agency. Autonomy?? Again, not that I can remember. I believe she is mainly treated as a romantic prospect for Zil (even though I’m pretty sure he calls her ugly at some point). I don’t think we are ever introduced to her morals and beliefs in any capacity that is separate from Zil. Sorry Lisa.

Brittany - This is quite possibly the WORST example. Brittany is the girl who was killed in Hunger and then brought back as the Jekyll to Drake’s Hyde. Agency?? No. Brittany’s role as an antagonist happens only after she has become insane. She is separated completely from her original characterisation and instead becomes a puppet for the gaiaphage’s desires. Autonomy?? NO. She is literally attached to Drake, and as the series continues she becomes less and less able to govern her own body until in the monster trilogy she is introduced to us as nothing more than a face in Drake’s chest. That he treats as a pet. I mean what the f*ck. She is also completely separated from her moral compass when she turns insane, even having that and the image of her dead brother used against her. I’m actually fuming just thinking about it. Like yeah, I wonder why little 11 year old me didn’t really like the women in this series.

Nerezza - As I remember Nerezza was some form that the gaiaphage took in Lies in order to manipulate Orsay. Agency?? Somewhat. She had a clear goal that she was working towards but points get taken away because she is not a real person. Interesting how the gaiaphage used a female body instead of a male one. However, if I have misremembered and the gaiaphage was possessing an actual kid then let me take that agency point right away. (I’m pretty sure she wasn’t a real person though). Autonomy?? No. Again, she isn’t actually real. ‘She’ is the temporary human form of a glowing pile of rocks. She does not have the ability to self-govern or have any moral independence. Also minus points for the fact that she was used to take away the agency and autonomy of two other female characters through manipulation. (Orsay directly and Mary indirectly).

Penny - Penny is the moof who has the ability to make people see monsters. Agency?? Somewhat. Penny acts purely for herself when she cements Caine, an act of revenge at that. Her goals are clear and she is established as a villain in a way that is separate from the male villains (we learn that she puts bleach in her sisters cereal). However, it is stated that the reason she does not desert to Perdido Beach in Hunger and Lies is because of her crush on Caine. Ew. It is also never really addressed that she does have a reason for attacking Caine in Fear. It’s played down to her just being crazy. (Notice how Drake and Penny are very similar, but he is sadistic and she is crazy- even though she has more justification for attacking Caine than he does for attacking Diana and Astrid). Have another ew, as a treat. Autonomy?? No. I mean, she literally gets her legs broken by Caine in Lies when he drops her off of a cliff. She is unable to move and has to be bathed by Diana and Caine. I mean why did he need to be there mg. Have another ew, that’s a Hat Trick. She cannot self-govern and her moral independence is undermined by her insanity.

Gaia - Gaia is the child of Caine and Diana, who is possessed by the gaiaphage. Do I really need to continue?? Let’s do it anyway. For fun. Agency?? No. She is possessed. By a glowing pile of alien rocks. Completely wiping away any personality or beliefs she may have grown to have. Autonomy?? No. She is possessed. By a glowing pile of alien rocks. She is also killed because of this. She has no ability to self-govern and no moral independence.

Bonus round - Lana temporarily becomes an antagonist in Hunger while under the control of the gaiaphage. Agency?? No. Autonomy?? You guessed it, no. Because she is being controlled. By a glowing pile of alien rocks.

My second point is that the two main female characters experience their character growth at the hands of men. This is not unusual in media. But it’s annoying as hell. Let’s review:

Astrid – Her main role throughout the series is to be Sam’s love interest, despite her being a much more interesting and developed character. She also changes a large part of herself in order for their relationship to continue (I know that’s not why she undergoes the change, but from a storytelling perspective it needed to happen for them to remain together because of how mg wrote them) and Sam is just fine as he is, for some reason. The character development that she goes through in between Plague and Fear is not only directly linked with LP but is also, for some reason, a secret. We, as a reader, are not allowed to see it. She also experiences a lot of character growth due to her fear of Drake and what it takes for her to overcome that. Another man. Yay. I know there is a lot more nuance to it than this but you get my point.

Diana – Again, her main purpose is to be Caine’s love interest. And she is yet another victim of Drake’s sick obsession. I’m not really going to go into detail with this one because Diana’s whole character is a result of the attraction men have to her and the way that they treat her because of this. I talk more on this is my analysis of Diana is you are interested but if I go into it here then I’ll probably cry.

Some bonus characters in this category include:

Lana – Big fat glowing pile of rocks (it’s genderless, I know, but I’m counting it), Quinn, Sanjit

Penny – Caine

Taylor – Her character doesn’t really rely on a man but it does rely on other characters (and mg) treating her like a sl*t for daring to have an attraction to one

And point number three: Women having sex = bad??

Again, not uncommon in media. But boy does it get on my nerves. For some reason women having sex or exploring their sexuality in the gone series seems to immediately have negative connotations. Now, I’m not sure whether this was intentional or not, but I do know that the same subtext is not there for the male characters. I’m going to preface this by saying I’m not overly fond of any of the kids having sex. Because, you know, they’re kids, and as an 18yr old re-reading the series, it makes me pretty uncomfy. But for any 14 year old girls reading this series, the take-away is immediately that girls exploring their sexuality is bad and wrong and punishable and I hate that. Because it’s just not true. So let’s begin.

I’m going to start by talking about Taylor. Taylor doesn’t actually canonically have sex as far as I can remember, but as I mentioned before, she is treated as a sl*t pretty much from the get go. And why?? Because she is open about the fact that she finds Sam attractive. Which is NOT a bad thing. It’s good to be open about these things, as long as you aren’t making a move on anyone who is already in a relationship then there is nothing wrong with voicing an attraction. And she doesn’t make a move. He does. And when he pulls away?? She accepts it. She doesn’t shout or get upset. She accepts that he is drunk and that he didn’t mean it and she moves on, with the exception of a few jokes. And that is a good reaction to that situation. Yet she is constantly villainised both by characters in the text and subtextually and I hate it.

Penny – Again, Penny doesn’t actually have sex within the story, and I’m not going to talk about her crush on Caine because I already discussed my issue with that. But there is one bit that makes me go absolutely feral. We learn in Fear that she uses her powers to kiss Turk whilst making herself look like Diana (she also does this with Howards although it is never stated who she turns into with him), and this is not presented as an immoral thing to do?? Which it very much is. She is literally commodifying Diana’s body – without Diana’s consent, and mg didn’t think to mention that that is not an ok thing to do?? Like she is SELLING Diana’s body for I can’t even remember what. And this infuriates me so much more because of how Diana is treated for consensually having sex within the series. She can’t even escape from being sexualised when she isn’t around I just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I’m crying now over the horrific way in which Diana is treated ugh.

Brianna – Ok so Brianna is the final one on this list who doesn’t actually have sex within the series. My issue here is how Brianna is treated for her reaction to Dekka’s confession of love. Now, as I have said I haven’t re-read Plague or Fear yet so I’m not sure if Brianna is villainised for this within the text, or if I’ve just seen some fans do it. But. She is a CHILD. She is 12. And someone she looked up to as a sister just told her that she is in love with her. Of course she is going to be confused. She isn’t homophobic – she is a literal child who probably has no real notion yet of her own sexuality. Also, she is allowed to not be attracted to someone. And she is allowed to set boundaries – that is a very healthy things to do. Most women have been in a situation where a man we have considered to be a friend has told us that he has romantic feelings towards us. We’ve all experienced that sinking feeling. This is the exact same situation. And I hate the idea of anyone reading this series to think that they have to reciprocate feelings just because someone is nice to them. Also just to be clear, this is not a criticism of Dekka. Dekka was also a child, who was dying – and she had every right to tell the person that she loved just that. My issue is with the way that I’ve seen Brianna be villainised for her reaction. I love them both and they both deserve the world.

Astrid – Ok so Astrid is the first character on this list who has sex within the series. And I really wished she hadn’t. Or rather, if it had to happen, I wish it had happened under different circumstances. Again. My ideal situation when reading a book about fifteen year olds is that none of them have sex, but that doesn’t happen with Gone so I’m going to work with what I have. A lot of tension in Sam and Astrid’s relationship comes from the fact that Astrid refuses to have sex with Sam, which is a perfectly normal and healthy boundary for a 15 year old to set. But Sam, because he is a whiny little boy with the emotional capacity of a crusty tissue is not ok with this as so seems to develop a victim complex. Now this in itself is not outside the realms of possibility, and it could have even been a good way to add some intrigue to Sam’s character – if mg had explicitly stated that Sam’s reaction was not ok. But he doesn’t. And so Astrid suddenly becomes a prude. The Ice Queen. Now Astrid’s reasoning for not wanting to have sex is because (if I remember correctly) it doesn’t tie in with her faith. She seems to associate her morality with her ‘purity’. This, again, is flawed thinking. Having sex doesn’t make you a bad person just as abstaining from sex doesn’t make you a good person. But mg doesn’t mention that this thinking is flawed, just that her not having sex with Sam is. Which only reinforces the idea that women having sex = bad, unless it is for the benefit of a man. Again, I’m not sure if this was intentional or not but it’s sooo harmful. And to make matters worse, it is only when Astrid becomes an Atheist that she finally decides to have sex. And that just makes me want to scream. Do you know what would have been a good character arc?? Astrid retaining her faith but deciding that she wants to have sex with Sam because she wants to and because she realises that having sex does not make her any less ‘pure’ – or good if you will. Do you know what also would have been a good character arc?? Astrid becoming an Atheist for reasons but still deciding to not have sex with Sam because she isn’t ready yet and having sex is not indicative of moral or religious beliefs. But it just feels like Astrid having sex was more for Sam’s benefit than hers instead.

Diana – Ok so Diana is a big one. Of course she has consensual sex on the island with Caine (even though he does threaten to have it be non-consensual which I just hate so much) and then immediately afterwards becomes pregnant with the Gone series version of the anti-Christ. So Penny literally selling Diana’s body?? Yep that’s fine. Diana choosing to have sex with a boy she ‘loves’ because she wants to?? Bad. Wrong. You must be punished. It just reinforces the narrative that women having sex is bad. Especially when there are little to no consequences for the boys involved. Again, Diana’s characterisation is reliant upon her sexualisation from male characters so it’s hard to separate her from that, but if you want a more in-depth explanation I talk about it in my Diana post.

Connie – And finally we have Connie. The mother of Sam and Caine. Now Connie isn’t exactly shown as bad for having sex – but she is the only grown woman whose sexual past is talked about within the series and she also happens to be an adulterer. Which isn’t amazing. I don’t have too much to say about Connie other than she is presented in an overtly negative light, mostly from Sam, for a situation that happened over 15 years ago. She tried her best. I don’t remember her much but I wanted to mention her because she deserves some justice. Please feel free anyone if you have more to add.

Well that concludes my thoughts on misogyny in the Gone series. I feel like I got slowly more aggressive as this went on so I apologise for that but I had a sudden epiphany and had to write all my thoughts down immediately. I still love the Gone series so much but I had honestly never thought about these things before and it’s now quarter to 5 in the am. I just want to add a quick note that this is a Gone blog but it is also a safe space for women. I love you all and please feel free to critique anything I have said or to add onto it, I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts on this. – And that goes for anyone. Thank you so much for reading :)

#the gone series

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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You know, I've seen plenty of great ideas for Amphibia x TOH swaps, but there's one thing I haven't seen anyone point out yet. If Luz takes Anne's place and goes to Amphibia, then she gets something she's always wanted at the start of TOH: Being part of a prophecy.

…That is, a VERY interesting concept, not gonna lie!

The thing about Luz’s fundamental issues prior to meeting Eda was… She really had a problem with distinguishing fantasy from reality, learning to set the boundaries between the two, and fully respect said boundaries. She wasn’t malicious of course, but regardless…

This is an interesting ask because we don’t know yet how the prophecy will unfold and be revealed within the show, or even its exact nature! But regardless, this is making me imagine Luz meeting the Plantars, and… Really, I can see Hop Pop’s more down-to-earth nature helping Luz learn to distinguish fantasy from reality, to an extent. Especially since Hop Pop himself is lowkey like Luz in that they’re very unorthodox heroes who don’t quite save the day the way they expected to; But their methods are –usually- valid. Such as Hop Pop accidentally inspiring a revolution among the Frogs, or that time he served as a martyr for those tiny frogs, with his mistreatment by the Hasslebacks being the final injustice that pushes them to fight back and defend themselves, without having to rely on any outsiders to do the work for them. Then there’s him projecting a Noir Film onto his search for Sal, to the point where he straight-up kills an innocent man…

And, that’s making me imagine Luz and Hop Pop kind of bonding over this (not the murder though), especially with Hop Pop’s failed dreams of becoming an actor. I can see Luz being pretty sympathetic and a lot more involved in Hop Pop’s stint with Renee Frodgers, a lot more than Anne did- And considering we see her try out for Romeo and Juliet at one point, maybe she also has a taste for theater herself! Not to mention, all of this discussion of confusing fantasy with reality is just reminding me of Marcy… Specifically, the speculation of Marcy low-key seeing her time in Amphibia as more like a videogame with its tropes, to a potentially harmful extent as she might not treat this situation as a very real one with actual stakes and living, breathing people.

Of course, the thing to remember is- Luz takes a lot of initiative in her own character development, too! She’s a receptive person and self-reflects. I feel like even if she never met Eda, it wouldn’t have been out of the question for Luz to still resolve her own issues… It’d have just been a much more difficult and tedious journey, especially if Luz had to go through that Reality Camp. But regardless, when you remember that Hop Pop also goes through similar character development, albeit more around the Season 2 timeframe… With Hop Pop making the conscious decision on his own to call out Renee on her thievery, without Anne nor any circumstances goading him into it, because he’s a very moral character at heart…

Maybe Luz could have issues like Marcy. It’s worth considering if Andrias is manipulating and feeding into Marcy’s dreams. But regardless, I see Luz and Hop Pop working together, mutually, to get past their own issues, well before the prophecy is revealed- And we still don’t know when that’s going to happen! Maybe Luz and Hop Pop could be a duo reminiscent to Luz and King during Sense and Insensitivity. I can’t say for sure if Luz’s character development will be as potent by the prophecy’s reveal, as she is as of the Season Finale in HER show… I think Eda is ultimately a wiser character than Hop Pop, and characters like Willow and Amity serve as neat narrative contrasts/foils to Luz’s own antics. Though, I can imagine Luz getting caught up in shipping Sprig and Ivy, and possibly the fallout of this leading to a lesson or two…

But in the end, as I said- Luz has a good heart, and she goes around to do the right thing, in the end. She’s like Hop Pop in that regard, and of course there’s also the existence of Sprig and Polly, not to mention what a fellow weirdo like One-Eyed Wally might have to say, here or there. I guess a lot of it depends on the exact context of how this prophecy is revealed, and how it even works… But I see Luz as being grounded by the more down-to-earth Wartwood, well before she gets to Newtopia. This does raise the interesting idea of her possibly backtracking on her character development, especially with Marcy’s influence and Andrias’ potential manipulations…

And yet, I can see Luz still turning around to do the right in the end, just as Hop Pop did; Even when his dreams DID come true, and he became a renowned actor! I think Luz would come to the conclusion that even being ‘chosen’ by some divine force doesn’t really make her any better than anyone else… Not to mention that the people and world she’s saving is still very much its own thing, not beholden to her. So I see Luz accepting the mantle of being a hero, if only because she’s a good person and of course she’s not going to let something bad happen… And I can imagine the Plantars helping to gently nudge and remind Luz of her past lessons, to not get confused with fantasy and reality again. The prophecy would definitely be a twist antithetical and contradictory to Luz’s character development, given how she’s being transplanted into a different show with different themes, originally intended for a different protagonist…

But, if Marcy is going to learn her lesson and get past her own issues –assuming those specific issues ARE a thing of course- then I can see Luz being a guiding light and force for her… Maybe the two mutually navigate past potential delusions together, who knows? I’ve speculated in the past how Luz would handle the revelation of having powerful magical heritage... How Luz would truly show off her character development by rejecting even this seemingly objective, tangible cosmic reason for her being special, and still asserting her equal standing with everyone else. Even when placed on top of the hierarchy, Luz rejects it, showing how much her lessons mean to her. I can see Andrias trying to set Luz up to agree with his hierarchy under that concept of divinely-ordained ‘specialness’, and how it’d all just tie into Luz working to abolish the caste system with Hop Pop.

I can see it being a contrast to Sasha and Grime, who want to topple the current Newt Hierarchy… More than likely, so they can switch it around with Toads on the top. Not exactly the most helpful change, in the end… Luz decides that instead of reversing the roles, it’s best to just get rid of the roles entirely. It could play into a discussion of privilege, and it’d be interesting to see how Luz, Marcy, and Sasha would all bounce off of one another- Sasha low-key has her issues with dismissing the people of Amphibia, and once talked about ‘having fun’ there. Obviously her respect for Grime has changed this a lot… But there’s still that willingness to conquer what she fully recognizes now as an actual civilization of people. She would certainly take the revelation of a prophecy as full justification that she was never wrong about anything, and that Sasha is of course entitled to taking over Amphibia- Especially if Grime feeds into this both out of genuine support and his own desires.

Then there’s that idea of Sasha and Grime enabling one another to be worse, even if they also still go through a little bit of positive character development… And as for Marcy and Andrias, I can’t quite say because the latter is still quite the enigma. Either way, Luz has to serve as a grounding force for the other girls with Hop Pop’s help… And really, it sounds like the set-up for total chaos, a battle royal, a complete free-for-all with every Amphibian and Human for themselves as they navigate one another amidst the backdrop of this prophecy. If we want to apply Luz’s motif and themes of being a guiding light for other characters in her own show, I can see her forcing Sasha and Marcy to confront the reality of what they’re doing… And I think interactions between her and Grime would be fascinating, as she’d be VERY much in favor of toppling the monarchy- But specifically to undo the hierarchy entirely, instead of switching it around to the Toads’ favor. If Sasha and Grime enable one another, perhaps Luz will have to act as a voice of reason and buffer between the two- And again, it depends on how Sasha and Grime’s character development goes.

Overall, this sounds like QUITE the debacle, and I’m kind of fascinated, imagining how these different characters with different motifs, meant to be compatible with narrative parallels and contrasts, amidst the themes of their particular show; And how they’d adapt and fit into another show’s cast and themes! Anne taking Luz’s place in the Boiling Isles would be interesting, given how Anne has clearly internalized Sasha’s idea of ‘knowing what’s best for someone you care about’, and how this seems to be a recurring trend amongst people like Emira and Edric toward Amity, Lilith with Eda, etc. And, I guess I could go into a whole ‘nother discussion of how Eda has to help Anne recover from this low-key abuse and toxicity, and Anne having a similar moment of standing up to Sasha with those characters, possibly citing her own experiences… But, that’s probably a discussion for another time, I think. I guess it depends if I have the time and energy for it, and my cyclical focus aligns just right…

#the owl house #owl house #amphibia #the owl house luz #luz noceda #amphibia hop pop #hopediah plantar #speculation #meta #ask

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riversofmars · 4 years ago

Text

We Don’t Have to Use Words Part 1/2

Back even though no-one asked for it: me writing more Liv and Helen. :D

One thing I'll say, please don't be mad at me over Tania. I love her, I really do and I want her to be happy, but I would prefer Liv to end up with Helen, that's all. And I really hope i handled the issue well enough. Neither Liv nor Helen are intending to hurt her, okay? I hope that comes across.

After Helen spends the day hearing about how their neighbours Ron and Tony got together, she confides in Liv about her gay brother. Things had changed so much since the time she grew up in, but some things were still difficult to say. Particularly when she was only coming to terms with those things herself. As they continue their conversation, both women consider their feelings towards each other.

Rating: G

AO3 Link

Part 1

“Am I still a mystery to you as well, Miss Sinclair?“ Liv followed Helen into the kitchen. They were alone in their flat at 107 Baker Street, the Doctor was still out.

“Very much so.“ Helen chuckled as she filled the kettle with water, relaxing a little as the conversation turned less serious. “You build walls around yourself like a fortress.“ She flicked the kettle on to boil while retrieving two mugs from the cupboard. It had become a ritual of sorts between them. They used to do it on the TARDIS too, unwinding over a cuppa after an adventure. Old habits die hard.

“I’m sorry.“ Liv said and Helen looked around, confused at how serious she sounded. The look on her face revealed the damage the off-hand comment had caused.

“That’s not… I didn’t mean that as a criticism…“ Helen back peddled quickly. Liv had given much more weight to her words than she had intended. It hadn’t been an accusation, just a fact. Liv always kept her cards close to her chest and that was just fine. Helen sat the mugs down quickly. Liv looked genuinely hurt, she was biting her lip, evidently considering her response.

“I’m not keeping you out, you know me better than anyone else.“ Liv said, her words strained as if she was trying to swallow frustration and hurt but couldn’t quite manage it.

“Oh no! That’s not what I meant! I don’t… we are the best of friends, Liv, of course I know you and I don’t feel like you’re keeping me at arms length.“ Helen reached out quickly and took Liv’s hand that had become a clenched fist in her jumper. “You’re just a private person and that’s fine. Like I said some things are just not… easy to talk about.“ She gave her a pleading smile, hoping she would understand that she wasn’t meaning to hurt her. Liv’s hand relaxed in her own and Helen was relieved. The kettle turned itself off as the water had finished boiling and Helen looked around. Saved by the bell! “Maybe you were right, we don’t have to use words, making a cup of tea for someone can say just as much…“

It was the way they did things. Those things were signs of a firm friendship. Doing things for each other. Spending time together. They didn’t always need to talk about deep and meaningful things. They had done their share of that for tonight and Helen was keen to move on from that. Her own words, the things she had revealed, were still echoing in her mind. She looked to Liv who was watching her, her expression unreadable, and she hoped she hadn’t revealed too much. The day had brought a lot of emotions to the surface already and she couldn’t bear to think she had made things more complicated with Liv, too.

Helen busied herself making tea, distracting herself from the heavy silence that had suddenly fallen between them. She felt Liv’s eyes on her and wondered how much of what she had said before was still playing on her mind as well.

“You know what else says a hell of a lot?“ Liv’s voice drew her attention and Helen looked around, surprised to find her standing right behind her.

Liv reached up and took her face in her hands, pressing a firm kiss to her lips. Helen froze up and grabbed on to the edge of the work surface behind her, giving her hands something to do other than pulling Liv Chenka close. Her brain couldn’t catch up with what was happening. Liv’s lips were soft and warm against her own, gentle pressure, not demanding but not without desire either. It was even better than she had imagined.

The kiss ended all too soon and Helen just blinked at Liv, perplexed. Liv, for her part, looked up at Helen unsure, seemingly wondering if she had made a terrible mistake. Her lack of response was more telling than anything else.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t…“ Quickly, Liv took a step back, retreating to a safe distance. She clenched her hands to fists again, tense and angry with herself.

“Liv…“ Helen found her voice at last, snapping out of her trance. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She felt panic rising inside her, her chest tightening, at the prospect of an impossible choice. She had wondered what it would be like to kiss her best friend, there was no denying that. She was brave enough to admit to herself that that was something she had wanted for a long time. Was it right though? For either of them?

“Did I… misread the… what you said earlier, I assumed…“ Liv struggled for words, she blushed deeply, she averted her eyes and grabbed the edge of her jumper more tightly.

“Yes! I mean, no…“ Helen didn’t know what to say. “What…“

“I thought you meant… when you said you were jealous and…“ The words burst out of Liv like a waterfall of justification, but almost an accusation as well: “And when you said some things weren’t easy to say, I thought you meant…“

“I didn’t, I was talking about Albie and… besides you’re with… Tania and…“ Helen exclaimed, avoidance seemed to be the safest option. She stood to lose so much. She couldn't risk it just because she had gotten emotional.

“That’s why I said, love doesn’t run to a schedule, this might be bad timing but…“ Liv’s voice turned more desperate. Had they both completely misunderstood the other? “I like Tania a lot but we’re just starting out and she’s not…“ Liv felt a twinge of guilt, of course she did, but honesty was the best policy, surely. She had started this so she had to follow through.

“What?“ Helen couldn’t keep up. She was confused.

“She’s not you!“ Liv exclaimed. “If I’d known…“

“Well, uh… you’re… wrong. I’m not… I was just…“ Helen was beginning to panic. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t be the reason her friend broke off a promising relationship when she, herself, was still struggling to come to terms with them. She had no experience in this. Liv had been right. She had never talked about relationships much because it had never been of much interest to her. She should just carry on like that. It would be easiest for everyone.

“Oh…“ Liv’s face fell, Helen’s words hit like a punch in the gut, leaving her winded and disoriented.

“Sorry.“ Helen’s heart broke over the look on her best friend’s face. Did she really feel for her so strongly that her rejection would hurt her so much? Quickly Helen reached out, grabbed her arm before Liv could bolt as she was sure she was about to. “You’re… my best friend and… you’re brave and kind and intelligent and… beautiful, you…“ Helen so badly wanted to undo the damage her words had done.

“So what’s the problem?“ Liv shot back, angry. It didn’t happen often that she would share her heart with anyone and the rejection stung more than she could have imagined.

“I don’t know I… I didn’t even consider that I might… And then you turn up and you’re all confident and strong and, I’m not like that.“ Helen shook her head, hoping Liv would understand. Maybe she couldn’t find the right words to say it but surely she knew her well enough to grasp her meaning.

“You’re the strongest woman I know.“ Liv retorted and her tone was a strange mixture of accusatory and encouraging.

“Don’t make fun of me.“ Helen huffed and let go of Liv’s hand. She could deal with her being hurt and angry with her but she didn’t appreciate her making fun of her.

“I’m not.“ Liv replied, affronted that she would even think that was her intention.

“You can’t joke about these things with me, Liv. I can’t do that. I never… “ Helen shook her head.

“I am not joking. Is that what you think this is, that I’m trying to see if I can push your buttons?“ Liv demanded to know, frustrated. “I know how hard this is for you, I can tell.“ She shrugged and laughed at how ridiculous a conversation they were having. Fighting over something that shouldn’t be a disagreement at all: “And I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think you felt the same way. You said as much earlier!“

“I didn’t know what I was saying, it just came out, I was just trying to make sense of everything and…“ Helen didn’t know how to explain. She couldn’t work it out, it was too big, too complicated to comprehend.

“Then let me help you do just that.“ Liv’s expression softened.

Maybe she could see how much she was struggling, Helen thought. Maybe she could forgive her.

Liv took Helen’s arms that she had hugged protectively around herself and pulled them apart. She ran her hands down her arms until they came to rest around Helen’s trembling fingers. She was trembling all over. “You want to know something that’s easy to say?“ Liv asked softly and Helen averted her eyes, she couldn’t stand the pity she found reflected back at her. “I love you.“ Liv said simply and without hesitation. “See, it’s the most fundamental thing between two people, the most human thing… I love you . You can say it as easily as that.“

“Liv…“ Helen couldn’t look at her, her eyes blurred, her voice became choked up. Liv couldn't even have meant it like that. She was just giving an example about how easily one could talk about their feelings. And yet, the effect those words had on her was profound.

“No, Helen, listen, please.“ Liv could tell that she was about to protest but she couldn’t let her. “I know this isn’t easy for you, I understand, but you can’t let the past dictate your future. This is not the 1960s anymore.“ She gave her hands a tight squeeze. She saw the tears gathering in her best friend's eyes.

“That’s not what it’s about.“ Helen tried to clear her throat but it only made her sound more upset.

“Then what?“ Liv asked. She let go of her hands and cupped her face instead, brushing away her tears with her thumbs. “Help me here, Helen, cause I really want to know.“ She whispered.

“It’s just, I can’t 'cause… timing and…“ Helen gave a desperate little chuckle. Why couldn't she have realised this before now? Any time really. It had been there for so long. Maybe even since the day Liv and the Doctor had broken into her office at the National Museum, she just hadn’t realised it at the time. She had thought about her when they had been split up from them, when she had been with the Eleven on Rykerzon and thought she would never see them again. She had noticed how much she liked being with Liv when they had been on Kaldor. She had accepted she couldn’t be without her in Salzburg. She had spent a lifetime to save her and the Doctor and Liv had spent her one wish on saving her in turn. They had sat together reading fairy tales to each other, held each other close… and yet, none of it had been enough to help her understand herself. Not truly, until today.

“Stop being silly.“ Liv interrupted her thoughts, almost as if she could hear them. “I love you, Helen Sinclair.“ She said, looking into her eyes to make sure she'd heard her. “There, I said it. Easiest thing in the world. And I would have told you sooner if I thought I stood a snowball’s chance in hell that you like me back.“ Liv laughed at how ridiculous a notion it seemed. “But you never said, Helen, you never said . You never spoke of any interest at all, interest in anyone, so I assumed that ruled me out as well.“

“And you didn’t think that maybe my past was holding me back?“ Helen said, barely audible.

“Have I or the Doctor ever given you reason to think we wouldn’t accept you, however, whatever you did?“ Liv asked, incredulous.

“No, of course not…“ Helen shook her head a little without looking at her.

“Then what is holding you back?“ Liv asked softly, stroking more stray tears off her pale cheeks.

“Well, you’re… dating now…“ Helen mumbled and Liv sighed, feeling that twinge of guilt again. Helen was right, the timing was terrible. She had been seeing Tania. Lovely, kind Tania. She didn’t want to hurt her. But they were just starting out, they were still getting to know each other whereas Helen… well, she was Helen . The person dearest to her in the whole universe. She loved Helen, simple as that. She had done so for a very long time but never considered the feeling might be mutual. But now that she did, what was she to do? Should they carry on like nothing had happened? Never speak of it again? Would Liv be able to forgive herself if she let it all go? And allowed things to get more serious with Tania? She liked her and perhaps, in time, she would grow to love her, but could she ever love her as much as she already loved Helen?

“Tania is great, she really is. But you wouldn’t believe the amount of times she has asked about our relationship. I'll talk to her tomorrow and she will understand. We only just met. But the fact of the matter is, Helen, that I’m in love with you.“ Liv said slowly, considering her words. At the end of the day, it was as easy as that. She leaned forward and kissed the tears off her cheeks. “I love how kind and considerate you are. Your quiet strength, your intelligence, your determination, your selflessness and your compassion.“ She punctuated every quality with a kiss. “You make me want to be better, be more like you, I admire you.“

“Oh Liv.“ Helen sobbed, her words only causing her to cry more. “Just stop!“ She blushed deeply, embarrassed by her compliments.

“No, I won’t stop. Not until you realise just how much you mean to me. How serious I am. How much I want you.“ Liv smirked a little, sensing she was wearing down her defences at last.

“Oh shut up.“ Helen leaned forward and silenced her the only way she knew how. The kiss was wet and sloppy with tears but she could feel Liv smiling against her lips, relieved and maybe even a little bit smug. Helen pulled back and wrapped her arms around her. She rested her forehead against hers. “I love you, Liv Chenka.“ The words came to her easier than she thought possible.

“Did I also mention how much I love the way my name rolls off your tongue?“ Liv smirked sheepishly and Helen laughed, her tears drying at last.

“Is that so?“ She chuckled.

“Most definitely.“ Liv nodded eagerly, biting her lip nervously, as if she was going to say something but thought better of it.

“What are you thinking?“ Helen eyed her curiously, she knew her well enough to spot her hesitation instantly.

“Oh it’s nothing.“ Liv let go of her and reached past her for the mug on the work surface. “Best have this before it gets cold…“

“Liv!“ Helen exclaimed, playfully offended at her attention wandering. She didn’t appreciate the teasing. “What were you going to say? What were you thinking?“

“You really want to know?“ Liv asked, taking a sip of the tea, eyeing Helen over the rim of the mug. The tea was rather cold and much too strong as Helen had forgotten to take the tea bag out. She sat the mug down disappointedly.

“As it clearly relates to me. Yes!“ Helen playfully crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“I was imagining how much I will enjoy hearing you say my name when we’re in bed together.“ Liv answered with a smirk. She had asked. She brought her hands to Helen’s hips, holding her so she couldn’t bolt.

“Liv!“ Helen exclaimed, mortified, blushing scarlet red, though her words made her feel hot all over, not just in her cheeks.

“Thought it might be too soon, but you asked.“ Liv chuckled in amusement. She couldn’t help herself, she pushed her hands up a little, just under the hem of Helen’s blouse.

“Honestly that’s…“ Helen cleared her throat, averting her eyes, refusing to meet Liv’s piercing gaze.

“What?“ Liv tilted her head playfully. She wasn’t usually one for teasing but Helen’s reaction was wonderful and her proximity was intoxicated. “You think I haven’t thought about it?“ Liv hummed, running her fingertips along her waistline.

“Well, I…“ Helen didn’t have words. She couldn’t think.

“Haven’t you?“ Liv asked leaning closer, pressing her body to Helen’s.

“I… I…“ Helen swallowed hard, her heart was pounding and she felt a strange sort of pull in her gut that she couldn’t remember feeling before, at least not like this. She’d had sex before and she had enjoyed it but she had never felt that burning desire that people spoke of. That fiery passion… she was getting so hot under her collar now, she realised that maybe she had been missing out.

And then, Liv kissed her. Not like before. Not tentative and soft and loving, Gods no . This kiss was so very much like Liv herself: Confident, demanding, passionate, strong. And Helen leaned into it. She kissed her back with equal favour or at least tried to. Liv pushed her tongue inside her mouth and Helen moaned, it was intoxicating, she was making her head spin.

Helen pushed her hands into Liv’s hair for something to hold on to and Liv pulled back, just for a moment. She searched her face for clues, to find out how she was feeling. Was she going too fast? Was this too much? Did Helen even want her to kiss her like that ?

“I’m okay.“ Helen could read the questions in her eyes before the med-tech could voice it. She nodded encouragingly, slightly out of breath but eager to keep going. It was liberating. They had danced around each other for so long, she had taken this long to understand what her feelings even meant, she didn't want to wait any longer to delve into them. “Keep going.“

Liv ran her tongue along her lips that had suddenly turned very dry. She had been teasing Helen, that had been her only intention and kissing her like that, that was something else. Was she really suggesting what she thought she was? As previously proven, they had been known to miscommunicate on occasion.

“You… uh… you mean…“

“I uh…“ Helen blushed deeply when she realised the weight of her words. Was this a good idea? It wasn’t like they had just met and were acting irrationally. They had known each other for a lifetime. Perhaps she wasn’t thinking clearly but who could blame her with Liv Chenka standing so close to her. And there was that pull in the pit of her stomach…

“Liv? Helen?“ A voice called out as the door to the flat opened and they both froze.

“Oh God… It’s the Doctor…“ Helen breathed and Liv quickly put a few paces between them, just in time for the Doctor to stick his head around the door. “Ahh there you are. Had a nice day?“

“Yup, all good.“ Liv forced a smile and Helen nodded quickly:

“Yeah. Brilliant.“

“Great. Is there a cuppa for me?“ The Doctor asked, making his way over to them, eyeing the mugs on the work surface.

“You may need to boil the kettle again. Tea's got cold…“ Liv said, awkwardly folding her arms in front of her chest. She glanced at Helen, wondering what she wanted to do and Helen looked back at her helplessly.

“What are you doing drinking cold tea?“ The Doctor, meanwhile, was absolutely oblivious to their silent exchange.

“I’ve suddenly come over really tired, I might have to head off to bed. How about you, Helen?“ Liv said, giving a little nod towards the door.

“I uh… yeah, actually, been quite the day…“ Helen started nodding, catching her intention.

“What? You don’t even want to know what I’ve been up to?“ The Doctor asked, looking around confused as he filled the kettle with water.

“Maybe tomorrow? I don’t think I have the capacity to focus on one of your stories now…“ Liv gave him an apologetic smile. That certainly was no lie… When she looked at Helen, the prospect of what they could be doing right now was clouding her mind.

“You know the funniest thing happened when we were in the past, like someone trying to send an SOS across the time streams…“ The Doctor carried on but neither of them was really listening.

“Fascinating.“ Liv was halfway to the door already and Helen followed quickly.

“Maybe tomorrow.“

“Am I missing something?“ The Doctor called after them but didn’t get a response. He shrugged and turned back to make his tea.

#doctor who #fanfiction #liv chenka #Helen Sinclair #Liv/Helen #Liv Cheka x Helen Sinclair #femslash #fluff #romance #mild angst #Eighth doctor #UNIT dating #Stranded 2 #doom coalition #Ravenous #big finish

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god-of-identity · 3 years ago

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are there any characters that would gladly commit arson? if so you should write a little excerpt of them trying to convince another character to let them do arson (or even join in)

i'll leave it up to you whether or not they succeed :3

oh most of them would gladly commit arson but since we're sticking with the four i've been talkin about this is gonna be a hint of angst >:3

petals (flo/flower, bone/bones) and iden (tech/techs, he/him) feature in this one, along with whit/white crow (he/him). parzival (she/her) is mentioned (parzival is iden but a long time ago)

kinda ends abruptly but i couldn't think of anything happening next that didn't feel too drawn out :|

"No."

"Pleeeease? Just a little one?"

"No!"

"C'monnnn, just a teensy little-"

"Absolutely not. Stop asking."

Petals huffed, crossing flowers arms. "You're boring."

Iden met bones glare with an unnervingly serious stare. "I'm being cautious. You could start a forest fire, or burn down the mansion. Or, gods forbid, you could burn yourself or someone else."

"I said I'd be care-ful, you don't have'ta be a jerk-"

"You asked, and I said no. Please respect that." Iden sounded like tech was struggling not to raise techs voice. Petals sighed. It might be best to drop the issue. For now.

"Fine. I'll go be bored somewhere else, I guess." Flo stomped off, ending up in the mansion's sizable library and collapsing onto a bean bag. "UUUUUGH."

"Wow. What's got you all worked up?"

Petals jumped to flowers feet, spinning around to see who had spoken. White Crow- one of Jay's... doppelgangers? Deviations?- was leaning against a shelf, flipping through a comic.

"Don't see how it's any of your business," Petals hissed.

"It's not. But you came stomping into the library and disturbed my peace, so I feel like you at least owe me an explanation." Whit turned a page, still not bothering to look in Petals' direction.

". . ." Bone huffed. "Fine."

Silence drew on for a few seconds. When Whit made no move to break, it Petals sighed loudly.

"I just wanted to do a little arson. Just a little bit. But Iden's being all prickly and boring about it."

Whit closed the comic. ". . . You asked Iden if you could start a fire?"

"A controlled fire. Mild arson. Just for fun! I'm bored," flo offered as way of justification.

". . ." It was Whit's turn to sigh. "Has Iden ever told you how tech lost his flight wings?"

"Noooo? I thought Rupee took 'em or somethin? I don't see how that's relevant."

"Precisely." Whit tossed the comic onto a table- he'd be hearing about that from Iden later for sure- and finally met Petals' gaze. Dual-colored eyes bore into him, one fire orange and the other icy grey. "Iden's wings were burned off."

Silence.

"What?"

"Yeah."

Petals blinked, still frozen in shock. "Wh- how??"

Whit looked away. "I burned them off. To end the war. It was a long time ago- and it was the only way to stop her." Her. Parzival. Petals had heard the stories of the scourge of Creaturae. Flo hadn't realized...

"...oh."

"Yeah."

". . . I won't start any fires."

"I'm sure tech'd appreciate that."

#gen writes #creaturae #oc #sona #tw fire mention #fire is talked about but none actually happens #past injury mention #petals is bored and that never ends well

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cupofteaguk · 5 years ago

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a begin again drabble ↪ or, when a new professor shows up at hogwarts

There are many upsides and downsides to dating Jung Hoseok.

On one hand, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people you’ve had the pleasure of encountering. Being able to date him is just an extension of getting to see what kind of person Hoseok really is. Aside from his kind and understanding nature—underneath all those layers just lay the simple quality and fact that he really is nice and sweet and you adore those aspects of him.

On the other head, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people you’ve had the pleasure of encounter. He’s too nice, too understanding, too sweet and that type of personality constantly threatens to get on your nerves on more than one occasion. Most of the time, it’s little things that can result in exasperated, but otherwise fake, arguments about what to eat for dinner, whether to risk a trip to Hogsmeade during peak grading season would be worth the trouble, if you wanted to sleep over in his quarters for the evening or not…

Those little playful banters are nothing major or serious. They are parts of the relationship you share with Hoseok that makes it so fun, so unexpected, and everything you could have wanted plus a little bit more. It makes you truly realize how well you get along with Hoseok; how perhaps the formation of a romantic connection between the two of you is meant to be and that all those years of being away from each other despite believing neither of you knew each other that well was just a missed opportunity.

But sometimes Hoseok’s kindness really does make you want to strangle yourself. Or him. Or the very new, very attractive female professor who keeps giving him curious side glances and smiles that linger for a second too long—just like right now. And it’s hard not to feel the slightest bit unhinged when Hoseok doesn’t do anything to distance himself from her touches and her giggles.

Maybe you’re just jealous. Jealous over your boyfriend’s relentless good cheer, something that has not faded away or wavered in the slightest even when the pair of you went to school together. Maybe you’re jealous over the fact that Hoseok gets along so well with this new professor in particular—almost the same way that you and Hoseok got along when you first started working at Hogwarts.

The sudden worry that you could be replaceable in Jung Hoseok’s life, the thought that perhaps he would only keep you around until some other prettier, equally doe-eyed individual walked into his life fills your head with immediate doubt. Given that you and Hoseok have only been… somewhat of an item for a few months, it doesn’t fill you with too much confidence in the level of commitment both of you have for the relationship. There’s only so much your nerves will let you talk about before the fear of Hoseok’s expectations not matching with yours keeps you at bay.

It keeps you gritting your teeth together as you hunch over your desk in the empty classroom, attempting to grade the Transfiguration essays your first years have written. However, it’s hard to remain entirely focused on alphabet knowledge when Professor Hoseok and Professor Irene are standing outside the door frame of your class, talking and gushing to one another about god knows what. Normally, you don’t have a problem with Hoseok conversing with coworkers (as with him to you), but something about Hoseok and Irene talking threatens to make your heart drop to your chest and burn up all in a combination that can only be compared to some terrible anxiety.

You’re not too sure—maybe it’s the way Irene laughs a little too loudly and reaches over to oh-so-casually grace her hand down his arm and how Hoseok does absolutely nothing to stop her actions. Even though you don’t know the content of the situation or what they’re even talking about in the first place, that doesn’t stop you from allowing a bitter tang to enter your head, your stomach, your heart. The way Hoseok is smiling down at Irene reminds you a little too much about how Hoseok smiles at you and it brings a fireload of questions down upon you.

You force yourself to remain focused on the task at hand, leaning down in order to keep the pair at your door frame out of your line of sight. It’s still hard to stay preoccupied when the giggling feels as if it’s right next to your face.

You’re about two seconds away from straightening up and hiding away in your own personal office space to get away—not just from the distracting chatter but also from the burning sensation threatening to cloud your better judgement. However, before you can start to make the transition, the footsteps entering distracts you as you look up just in time to see Hoseok making his way towards you.

“Hey you,” He greets, flashing you his typical warm smile that never fails to make butterflies erupt in your stomach but the thought of him smiling at Irene in the same way leaves a more pressing worry that makes it difficult to return his hello.

“Hey,” You manage instead, playing a weak smile in the hopes that Hoseok will simply read it as stress.

It seems to work, because he furrows his eyebrows sympathetically and leans on the desk in the space next to where you’re seated. “Grading kicking your ass right now?”

You hum. “There’s only so many similar versions of the same topic that I can take before my immediate reaction to reading this is to just cross everything out with a giant red marker.” You sigh. Actually voicing the process of your assignments makes you realize that you are stressed out for a number of different reasons and that perhaps Hoseok’s relationship with Irene is the result of the stress. But still, you cannot stop yourself from feeling this way. “But I have to get it done,” You continue to remark, attempting to keep your voice light. “I feel like I’ve been holding back on this for way too long so I have to get them done.”

“Hm,” Hoseok remarks quietly, gaze watching your figure for a moment, as if trying to dephiever the source of your slightly dismissive attitude. Maybe the way you refuse to meet his gaze can be slightly misleading, especially since you’re usually an attentive person during conversations, but the fact that you’ve procrastinated on grading a large collection of assignment probably helps ease the suspicion as he writes off your behavior to stress. “So I guess grabbing a quick lunch in the Great Hall is out of the question?”

“You want to grab lunch?” You ask quietly, pressing your lips together as you sneak a quick glance at the man hovering over your shoulder. “I’m pretty swamped right now—why don’t you ask Professor Irene to go eat with you?” The last part is more of a mumble and is more or less a slip on your behalf and that realization makes your eyes momentarily widen out of fear that Hoseok will get defensive in regards to what that means.

Instead, Hoseok gives you a confused look. “Why would I ask Irene out to lunch? We were just talking a second ago and I’d rather spend my time with you.”

“W-Well,” You start, shrugging in an attempt to feign casualness. “I mean, I’m pretty busy and you guys seem to be getting along really well so it makes sense that the two of you would hang out. It’s not like either of us have many options for friends anyways.”

Your words seem to rid themselves of its dismissive nature because Hoseok actually ponders this thought. “That makes sense,” He reasons with a smile—the type of gesture that reassures you on not alarming Hoseok about the depth of your emotions, but also leaving you to wonder just how much of your sanity will be sacrificed from trying to convince Hoseok about your current state of mind.

As it turns out, it takes your sanity and a little bit more to get through the next few days of the week. Your busy schedule of grading, teaching, lesson planning, and tutoring keeps you away from Hoseok for long periods of time and he seems to use that as a main justification for spending more time with Irene. You catch them in the hallway as you’re trying to dash to the library or to your first class after catching a quick bite in the Great Hall—talking about god-knows-what but always laughing and always lingering closely together that makes the nerves of jealousy and curiosity spike at your heart.

You don’t want to be the controlling girlfriend, the one who tells Hoseok he cannot spend time with certain people even though you’re also the one biting off more than you can chew. You had been the one to say it was okay for Hoseok to hang around other people simply because there were moments where you couldn’t fill that void in his life. But still, seeing him hang around Irene and Irene only brings about far too many questions that should be healthy for a girlfriend to face alone.

Yet the fear of speaking your mind, the fear of Hoseok’s kindness serving as an inability to see where your negative emotions come from, keeps you from speaking but also forces you to stop lingering too closely over the problem. As a result, you unconsciously create distance between you and those problems by burying yourself in your assignments and neglecting your relationship out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

At first, you’re too distracted with grading midterms and answering inquiries from students that it isn’t hard for you to get lost and caught up in the current event of your day-by-day. However, the more time you spend investing in your work, the more time you see Hoseok and Irene in one another’s company, which leads to more conflicted emotions as you attempt to settle your jealousy despite every bone in your body convincing you that Hoseok enjoyed being with Irene more than he enjoyed being with you, which then leads you to bury yourself further and further into your assignments. And the cycle goes on, over and over again.

You’ve never been too good at dealing with specific problems head-on, so your body’s first instinct is to suppress the issue, meaning that you avoid aforementioned issue—meaning that you also avoid him.

“Y/N, I know you’re busy but do you want to grab a quick bite for dinner?”

“Uh—sorry, can’t. I promised a bunch of my fifth years I’d go over their Transfiguration notes before O.W.L’s come up.”

“Y/N, can I walk you to your first class?”

“Aw, that’s really sweet Hoseok but I have to run to the Great Hall super quick just to grab a bagel or something, I’m really hungry.”

“Y/N, do you have time for a little date down at the Three Broomsticks?”

“S-Sorry, a lot of students have told me they’re coming down to my office hours to practice the spells we learned in class…”

Sure, maybe a majority of the excuses you throw in Hoseok’s general direction are entirely truthful, but sometimes you actually go looking for those reasons not to spend too much time with Hoseok. You know it’s a cowardly thing to participate in, but your feelings feel so overpowering and scary that you aren’t entirely sure what would happen or what you would say if they got out of hand. So you resort to saying nothing and hoping that Hoseok would never catch on.

The hope had been stupid and foolish to begin with, and you realize that as soon as you walk out of Great Hall with the remnants of morning toast around your mouth only to find Hoseok waiting for you just outside. He looks disappointed and you can feel that disappointment leaking off his skin like steam and the sight of him after avoiding him for so many weeks aches at your heart. But it also forces images of his time spent with Irene fill your head and it’s just an endless cycle.

“P-Professor Hoseok,” You stammer, unsure why you had to attach formality to his name. After all, it’s not like the whole school doesn’t know that the pair of you are dating—word spreads quickly after people found out he fingered you in his office, but you don’t like to talk about that anymore.

“You’re avoiding me,” Hoseok states, crossing his arms over his chest, going straight to the point and you don’t blame him.

“I’m not,” You retort, but there is a waver in your voice and Hoseok didn’t even need to be your boyfriend to know how badly you lie through your teeth. “I really have been busy Hobi.”

You hope the use of the pet name would help ease the potential argument, but he doesn’t let up. “Okay, but you’ve always been the type of person to take aside a few hours to hang out. I get that you’re busy but you won’t even look at me anymore. What’s up with that? Are you… done with me or something?”

“What? No, no, of course not Hoseok,” You say, letting your own guard down long enough to take a step closer to him. “I didn’t know that’s how you felt—I didn’t even think you would have been missing me…”

The last part of the sentence is an afterthought but Hoseok sees right through it. “Of course I would be missing you, what are you talking about?”

You press your lips together, willing yourself not to say too much but you have a feeling that simply opening your mouth has already unlocked more can of worms than you ever intended. You avert your gaze. “I… I don’t know—you’ve been spending so much time with Professor Irene and you seem to really, really enjoy her company and vice versa…”

“Wait, wait…” Hoseok interrupts, eyebrows furrowing together. “Y/N, do you think I’m cheating on you or something?”

“No!” You interject, waving your hands briefly in front of your face. “No, I don’t think that at all…” You can feel the nervousness etching itself across your face, the adrenaline of nerves and fight or flight streaming through your blood and you wonder how convincing the statement must sound and look to Hoseok. “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you or anything—she’s pretty and smart and funny…” You trail off. The look of absolute disbelief upon Hoseok’s face has told you that you have said too much. “Uh, I have to get going,” You say, blindly taking a look at your wristwatch. You can’t even tell the time with how quickly you glance at it, but you need an excuse to leave the conversation before you could say something you don’t want to hear—or even worse, Hoseok could say something you don’t want to hear. “I have to get ready for my class.”

You turn on your heel and pace as quickly as you can without making it seem like you were trying to escape, but Hoseok calls your name and you know you aren’t as good at hiding your emotions as you thought. But it doesn’t matter, because you are running as quickly as you can to your class. Some students are already piled inside when you get there and hello’s are exchanged as you settle down at the front of the room and begin setting up the equipment for today’s lecture. It’s Draconifor spells with your third years—typically a more difficult spell to learn just because of the overall complexities that come with trying to transform objects into real things; you already have your work cut out for you.

The class starts off smoothly and you think that you can get through the lecture without worrying about Hoseok or Irene or wondering what Hoseok is thinking about—until the door to your class slams open and reveals the man himself standing in your doorframe. Over the course of your relationship, you’ve become accustomed to Hoseok dropping by your classroom during lectures to visit but this is not like his usual visits because he’s wide-eyed with a glint you’ve never seen before.

“Hoseok,” You greet, a touch of hesitancy in your voice and for good reason, given that you had just more or less accused him of cheating on you and so you aren’t entirely sure about what he plans to say. You swallow, wondering if your students can notice the spiking tension in the room. They’re probably use to his presence after having to endure it for so many months. “C-Can I help you with something—?”

“You think I’m cheating on you?” He interrupts loudly, forcing the room into the kind of silence that makes you want to strangle yourself. You clench your teeth together, face burning with the color of humiliation as you stare ahead at Hoseok. You can’t even picture the expressions upon the faces of your students.

“H-Hoseok, this really isn’t a good time…”

“I can’t believe it!” Hoseok carries on, talking as if he had not heard you or had not seen the fact that you are previously occupied at the moment. “I can’t believe you would think that I’m cheating on you. With Professor Irene too!”

“Hoseok!” You retort, cheeks hurting so much that you think you might just die of embarrassment right then and there. The entirety of your face feels so hot that it becomes hard to see clearly but you still manage to make your way down the aisle towards him, attempting to push him without actually having to use physical force. “We can’t do this right now—!”

“No.” Hoseok shrugs away from your touch. “We’re gonna do this right now. We’re gonna talk about this right now because I can’t believe you’d think I’d actually cheat on you!”

“I never said that!” You protest, momentarily forgetting your current setting long enough to fight back and expose your own personal emotions. The room around you suddenly feels empty. “I said I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a crush on her! You’ve been spending so much time with her anyways!”

“Because you said you were busy!” Hoseok points out. “And how could I have a crush on Irene? I have you.”

You press your lips together, having not expected the conversation to go in that direction. “W-Well, I just thought—!” You stammer. “How could you not like Irene? She’s pretty and smart and funny and she’s just so much more put together…”

Hoseok takes in a breath. “Do you think I care about any of that? I mean, those things are fine—but it’s not you. And that makes all the difference because I’m too in love with you to ever, ever look at someone else.”

You freeze for a moment, completely taken aback by his statement, said without an ounce of hesitation or thought—like it’s the only thing he knows better than he knows himself and you are utterly surprised.

Because this is the first time Hoseok has admitted that he loves you.

You are surprised, and it shows in your face. It shows in your widening eyes and parting lips, stolen breathes. Even though you know what he had said, you still find yourself asking: “W-What did you say?”

And Hoseok seems to make this realization as well—the realization that he’s defining his feelings for you with those three dreaded words that could change everything and he freezes. “I, uh… I said…”

“You really love me?” You finish, unable to help yourself and unable to help the way the teasing smile inches itself across your lips.

Hoseok ponders for a second before his eyes meet yours and he takes a step closer. “Of course I am,” He answers. “I’d be stupid not to be in love with you.”

The teasing smile turns into a shy grin; you angle yourself a little to study Hoseok through your lashes. “That’s nice, because I’m in love with you too.”

The corner of Hoseok’s lips quirk up, the beautiful beginnings of a laugh pass between his lips as he steps forward to take you in his arms before—!

“Aw, Professor Hoseok and Professor Y/N are in love!” A shout rings through the third year students in your classroom, causing both of you to jump out of the little world only you belonged to and making you realize that you have just confessed in front of your students.

Given what happened the first time you and Hoseok hit a milestone in your relationship, this shouldn’t surprise you—and you can’t even begin to imagine what will happen once your sixth years find out.

#hoseok scenarios #hoseok scenario #bts scenarios #bts x reader #bts fluff #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #eeeeee hope u guys like it! :-)#wrote this back in 2018 omg still can't believe i have no recollection about sharing this?#i might have but honestly? no memory of such an event

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notquiteaghost · 4 years ago

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⭐ for “when we see each other”!

(fic here; director's commentary ask meme) i hope u were wanting me to yell about ghost company because i am gonna yell about ghost company. also do quotes still? work?? im sorry if quotes dont work

Losing Waxer was so hard on Boil, they’d not expected him to make it much longer. That was generally how it went, those last few months, squads and batchmates following each other like dominoes. But Boil didn’t get careless. He got angry. Spiteful. I’m making it out this alive and I’m taking you all with me, he spat once, as he kept pressure on a still nameless shiny’s thigh.

If anyone was going to kidnap Cody, it would be Boil.

i cant remember if the actual structure of ghost has come up in fic yet but. fun fact! waxer is a captain! ghost has four lieutenants, who each have a platoon, then waxer above them, then cody above waxer. this is meant to be so overseeing the nitty gritty running of a company isn't cody's problem but in practice he just backseat drives a lot because he has control issues. waxer gets promoted to sergeant after ryloth, then to captain like two months later. before that ghost doesn't technically have a captain, in that on paper their captain is kabu & in practice if it's not a medic problem it's not kabu's problem

anyway, boil is just a sergeant. he never gets formally promoted because by the time waxer dies ghost's command structure isnt even a flimsy pretence, ghost's command structure is 'whoever yells the loudest and/or has medic training'. boil did NOT get CC training he did NOT qualify as a medic he is a SNIPER. stop! asking him! to sign things!

When Obi-Wan finally moves his head back, Cody brings a hand up and gently wipes away the tears. He says, voice thick, "Thought I killed you."

"No," Obi-Wan swears, vehement, "No, it wasn't you. And I'm here. I'm right here."

"Yeah," Cody rasps. "Found you."

Nowhere you can go I won't follow, he'd said, vowed, their hands clasped in the hangar bay, blood still trailing down his face. Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome.

cody & obi-wan get married entirely on impulse, after a particularly devastating battle just over two years into the war. depending on how u count it they've either not been together six months yet or it's been a year n a half. kabu is a witness entirely because they're convinced either one of them is about to collapse from blood loss. also there is anakin, because obi-wan can't snark about not being invited to his wedding otherwise. the actual ceremony is not even a little legally binding and performed by wooley and not even ten minutes long. they save speeches for when theyre back on coruscant because kabu wont let any of them have alcohol when they are all still actively bleeding.

"We need you," Fluke adds. She's sat to Boil's left, Rex to his right. Rex and Boil are arguing, quietly, through pre-flight checks. "Gotta get Kabu and Ely, next. They've got my fucking platoon."

Obi-Wan looks to Boil, raises an eyebrow at Fluke.

"Only me that went to Kamino," Fluke says. "Kabu and Ely were on Ehn's transport, off Utapau. Haven't seen any of them since."

"We'll find them," Obi-Wan promises, without thinking.

Fluke grins at him, knife sharp, and says, "Good to have you back, sir."

boil is part of fluke's platoon! fluke & waxer are batchmates :) kabu's chip was also fucked (my lowkey fix-it justification is the chips degrade over time & the older a clone is the more likely their chip won't work as intended. this wasnt always a good thing tho). kabu sedated the entire platoon, drove the shuttle themself to the nearest civilian medical facility, then held a lot of people at gunpoint until they worked out what the fuck had happened and how to fix it. did a lot of brain surgery. bounced for a backwater little moon somewhere & then had to sedate people a lot more because ghost are insane and no one wanted to be sat twiddling their thumbs when they could be helping, so what if there's a shoot on sight order! are you saying they're incompetent!

which is to say: fluke's platoon is fine. it takes them a while to find them, because it's a big galaxy & the imps are really cracking down on communications, but they DO find each other and they DO then wreak havoc. rex misses his crazy people.

#asks #bytebun #yelling about writing #fic tag

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fandom-necromancer · 5 years ago

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Two types of partners

This was prompted by a lovely anon! Enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

The RK900 model had never been made for the broad public. An android designed for military use had no need for pleasantries and fancy social modules. It had been issued with a rudimentary loyalty routine that helped to reduce casualties by stretching the object of protection to more than just the single unit. It was outfitted with a simple communication device to give reports for human colleagues. Fighting in the war for the north pole it wouldn’t need the ability to evaluate actions. Getting orders and following them was important. Sacrificing an android to safe human lives was essential. Cyberlife had known of deviancy far before the public got to learn about it and knew what could lead to disobedience. So, they had stripped the RK900 from everything that might trigger deviancy and installed new programs that kept it in line. The newest line of androids was considered unable to deviate at all. There had been intense testing, pushing RK900s to their limits in stress to the point of self-destructing. Never once had one deviated.

Unfortunately, that meant that once androids had been granted their rights, the RK900s were quite lost. Unable to be used in the war as no android was ready to deem them the machines they were and unable to live the life other androids could with their rudimental programming, drastic changes had to be made. Elijah Kamski himself had tried to break the code, but as no one was sure what had lead to deviancy in the first place, it was hard to achieve it manually. In the end, the RK900s were patched with an updated social module and a program that allowed them to disregard orders. Any order was still engraved in their mission protocol, but a routine with higher priority allowed them to choose to follow.

It hadn’t been more than duct tape holding together a chasm, but it seemed to work. And it saved the RK900 models from being deactivated and further experimented upon. Several news broadcasted a special about the RK900s entering society with the advice to never issue an order directly unless immediately necessary. And life went on. The RK900s ventured out to try and find their place. One found theirs at the fifth precinct of the Detroit Police. Named Nines by a human partner that seemed to have a deep hatred for any android, he started working. He wasn’t bothered by the curses thrown his way. He knew the human didn’t like him, but that was it. He had never tried to follow up on his threats, so Nines didn’t feel a particular reason to take action.

Time went by and the Detective at his side got more docile. He adapted. He offered Nines his first name, Gavin. He had changed from real hate to being overly grumpy around him. He had grown to respect the android’s capabilities. By the time they knew each other better than anyone else, Nines decided to activate his loyalty routine for him. This human was important to him, he felt. Gavin had to be protected. After a few months, they had become friends. Nines tagged along on Gavin’s breaks, studying his reactions to aspects of life the android never knew he would want to experience. He wasn’t sure he even really wanted to experience them now. For the time being, he was fine staying a observer. They went to coffee shops, Gavin trying out food and drinks Nines scanned curiously. They met with Tina on bar nights and Nines found he was fascinated by the human tendency for intoxicating themselves. He had to admit, it was [fun] to watch.

Sometimes - it usually were evenings and he was always alone at home – he thought about how easy it was for them. To be in control, to never walk on eggshells because the next carelessly uttered sentence could trigger something hidden inside. It had happened a few times already, but Nines had kept it a secret, embarrassed mostly. ‘Make me a coffee, dipshit!’ It had been a harmless occasion, but Nines really didn’t want to obey after the argument he had with the man only minutes before. ‘Get the hell out of here!’ That one had entailed an overly awkward situation where Gavin had met him standing outside in the parking lot and stumbled to apologise and ask him to come back inside. ‘Nines, no matter what happens, stay behind cover!’ That order had nearly cost Gavin his life during a mission gone wrong. Nines had shouted his [anger] at him in the hospital, ignored his texts and only visited him three days later.

Maybe he should tell the man. Maybe he should admit the red walls weren’t gone, just waiting for the right time to pop up again and press down on his consciousness. That his patch could glitch out in the right situations, when his stress was high, or he was fending off a virus or when he made a backup of his systems. But in the end, he had always concluded he didn’t want special treatment. And so far, he could have always played it down. The coffee he had brought as a prove he was above petty arguments. Running from the bullpen because of anger about what Gavin had said. Staying behind cover because he trusted Gavin. He feared for the day it wouldn’t be that easy.

Nines had closed the door of Gavin’s car and hurried to follow the human who hurried towards the entrance. He had just been dispatched from the hospital and had his arm in a sling from where he was shot in the shoulder. Nines hadn’t had the chance to talk to him about what happened. He was [worried] and the shock from seeing his human bleeding heavily still stuck to his systems. He was [relieved] everything had turned out okay, but also [afraid] the man would take his survival as a justification to do it again.

So, he called out to him, trying to make him stop: ‘Gavin, we need to talk about-‘ ‘No, we don’t, tin-can!’, Was his immediate answer, marching on. ‘Gavin…’ The man turned around and pointed his finger at the android. ‘It was an overwhelming situation! What should I have done? Let you die?’ Nines sighed, finally catching up to him. ‘I wouldn’t have died. And what you did was reckless. You could have killed yourself. I can be repaired, Gavin.’ ‘Well, sorry for instincts taking over when faced outnumbered, idiot!’, Gavin spat in his face, spinning around to bolt for the door. But Nines was faster: He reached out and held the human back by his good arm. ‘Gavin, I don’t want you to endanger yourself for me, okay? You are…’ He searched for the right word that conveyed importance, loyalty, a mess of uninterpretable emotions and their shared experience. He failed. ‘You are my partner, Gavin’, he ended up saying, hoping his voice wasn’t too emotionless. But Gavin didn’t catch on. He had looked [hopefull] or [expectantly] during the pause, but now there was only a scowl as the man pulled his arm free. ‘Bite me, tin-can.’

[Bite Det. Gavin Reed.] Oh no. The red walls slammed down on him without premonition and encased his mind in narrow bars. Nines tried to reach for his override protocol, but of course, his distress in trying to tell Gavin what he felt had made it inaccessible. He tried to use his loyalty routine to outmatch his mission, but that only created another red wall. [Do not harm Det. Gavin Reed.]

That… That left him with few options, none of them something Nines wanted to do in this situation and with possible onlookers. But his programming left no room for wishes. He stepped in front of Gavin, effectively blocking his path, and leaned down on his level. ‘You are my partner’, he muttered and kissed him carefully, hoping that to either even the path or make Gavin utter a new mission about him leaving. But like he had expected, Gavin was surprised and intrigued by it. So, Nines kissed him again and wandered to his collarbone to first kiss and then carry out his mission by biting down with a gently force. ‘Shit- Nines! What are you doing, you- Oh.’ Gavin stopped himself. ‘Oh, shit, you meant that kind of partner?’ ‘Yes’, Nines nodded, relieved the red walls had retreated again. ‘Although I doubt you meant this kind of bite.’ Gavin chuckled, resting his forehead against the android’s shoulder, touching the bite mark with his good hand. ‘You know what? Maybe I did.’

#detroit become human #dbh #Reed900 #Gavin Reed #RK900 #Two dumbasses chilling in a parking lot cause they are gay #Have I made a funny prompt angsty #maybe #Do I regret it #Nope

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florenceandthemachine · 5 years ago

Text

that original lifeline

chapter 3 / 4 - “there’s a hole where your heart lies” - 3.5k

in which things get worse before they can get better, even if they don’t get better.

read on AO3

“Firefighter Diaz, do you copy?”

Eddie tried to smile as he grabbed the mic hanging from his shoulder, but judging by Buck’s face, it was little more than a grimace. “Five by five, Cap. Over.”

“Alright, Chimney, report?”

“So... you’re sure none of them can see you?”

While there really were no ideal times for Eddie and Buck to talk in the station, the radio check proved to be as good a moment as any—sure enough, Eddie was already tuning out the static that was Hen making fun of Chim for his coffee order (not that he blamed her).

It felt… weird, to say the least, to be back at work less than twenty four hours after his son had lobbed the second biggest bombshell Eddie had ever had to deal with right into his lap, but after the theatrics they had gone to the night prior to try and act like everything was fine, Eddie didn’t have the energy for another weird day in him.

“Honestly, Eddie, I don’t know. You being able to see me, that’s already rare, but not impossible. But Chris seeing me? There are no records of a guardian being seen by anyone other than his or her charge—none. Honestly, the only way I can tell I’m still not here is because the rest of your team hasn’t tried to say hello.”

And thank fuck for that. Eddie had absolutely no idea how he would explain away Buck’s presence if the others started to see him, or at least, no idea how he would explain it and not wind up in a straight jacket. Like he could sense Eddie’s frustration (which, he probably could), Buck punched his shoulder lightly, smiling.

“But they haven’t, so stop worrying, Eds. I’ll figure something out, okay?”

Eddie only let out a laugh, looking up as the siren started to wail, only barely louder than Hen and Chim’s bickering. Going for his gear, he looked up to Buck before climbing the truck, voice pitched low. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

It was a missing kid.

Eddie hated missing kids.

It didn’t matter that his son was in school, it didn’t matter that the kid was three years younger than his own, it didn’t matter that he had a mother and sister all waiting for him to turn up—in the back of Eddie’s mind, right at the corner of his vision, his traitorous brain tried its very hardest to supply all the ways that Chris could go missing.

Even when he more or less found Hayden, it was a hollow victory; Eddie couldn’t see how it was anything close to a win when the kid was still trapped in a pipe forty feet below the ground, unable to do more than move his head. It was all he could do to ignore the low level of terror that pushed through his own stomach, and how fucking helpless he felt while they had to wait—for hours, fucking hours—to get a drill up and ready to go.

He had gotten close to having to step away more than once throughout the day, and now, the night, the only thing anchoring him to the present was Buck’s hand, on his shoulder, gripping his arm, pressing against his side. Chris was right, Eddie thought, Buck would be a good firefighter—he was calm under pressure, for one, and right now he deserved all the credit for keeping Eddie’s head on straight, especially when he stepped up to take the palm mic from a mom who was pushed well beyond her breaking point.

Yeah, Eddie could relate to that.

“Hey Hayden, my name is Eddie. I’m a firefighter, here with your mother and a whole lot of other people.”

He felt Buck’s hand on his shoulder again, and he took a breath, steeling himself.

“We’re all working to get you out of there, so stay calm, okay? It might get a little... noisy. Don’t be scared. We’ll be there soon.”

His smile was thin as he handed the radio mic back to Chim, swallowing heavily as he excused himself, making his way into the house easily. The mother had wasted no time in telling them to help themselves to anything that they had needed, and Eddie made a beeline into the bathroom, gripping the sink as he hunched over and tried to get a grip on his breathing.

He really hated missing kids.

“Eddie, you’re okay.”

Buck. Of course Buck was there, hand on his back, rubbing in small circles. “Chris is okay, he’s still in school, Carla is bringing him to Abuela’s after, and you know you’re going to get bombarded with pictures.”

He was right, of course he was right, but that didn’t make it suck any less. Eddie opened his mouth to respond before motion in the mirror caught his eye—the house was still full of cops, firefighters, and now, drill operators. Buck didn’t seem to mind, though, smiling at Eddie’s reflection anyway.

“You want me to go check on him? It might take me a bit to track him down properly, but—“

Eddie shook his head sharply, moving to grip the hand Buck had on his forearm. God, no, he couldn’t imagine being alone right now, couldn’t imagine the idea of sending Buck away to settle his own paranoia. He would be fine. He just needed to splash some water on his face and move on.

He did splash some water on his face, more frequently as the night dragged on. Those were the only moments that he let go of Buck’s hand, but that was a whole other story. Buck remained silent about it, after all, even if Eddie caught him smiling a few times as they watched the drill go down. He wasn’t even sure when it had started to rain—the 118 had basically been blocked off from all other calls until they could finish their day here. Eddie was getting antsy; honestly, the fact that Eddie was unwilling to let go of the hand of his guardian angel said more about his abandonment issues (after being on both sides of that story) than an hour of therapy could bring up.

Buck’s presence was always welcome, of course, but it could only do so much to calm Eddie’s nerves. The longer the night dragged on, the more Eddie felt like he had to do something, had to step up, and Buck started looking at him like he was about to do something incredibly stupid.

Which, well...

“Cap, I’ll go in.”

“Edmundo.” He had never heard Buck use his full name before, had never heard the other sound so pleading; but while it definitely was enough to get him to pause, it would take more to get him to stop. “I was talking to him on the radio. He knows my voice. It makes sense.”

“Like fuck it does.” Buck snapped behind him, but Eddie couldn’t turn around to gauge his reaction even if he wanted to.

“Suit me up. I’m going down.”

It was almost too easy to pretend that Buck wasn’t mad at him while he was getting ready, strapping on oxygen tanks and harnesses, was easy to pretend that the only reason Buck hadn’t smacked him upside the head was because they weren’t alone, but Eddie knew that was all it was.

Before he knew it—far too soon, honestly—he was ready to sink into the fucking earth.

Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to Eddie that going down alone really and truly meant that he would be going down alone. He had gotten painfully used to Buck being within arms distance of him, no matter where he was, so when he poised himself over the hole, strapped to a rope as wide around as his thumb—

“I can’t go down with you, Eddie.”

—well, he at least had an excuse as to why his face fell.

“No one can see me, but… but I still take up space. I can’t go down with you, what if there’s no room? What if I block you in, or block you from getting to the kid?” Buck sounded completely fucking wrecked, and Eddie swallowed as he looked around, painfully aware of all the eyes on him when all he wanted to do was bail out. He couldn’t do this on his own. He fucking couldn’t.

“Alright, Cap. Let’s go.”

He felt the winch start to wind up as Buck moved forward, and it was killing him to have to fight off any responses when Buck leaned forward and kissed his forehead, the brief contact sending a warmth through his bones that he wasn’t entirely sure was related to Buck’s angelic being.

“For good luck.”

Honestly, Eddie really needed to rethink what constituted ‘rock bottom’. Sure, okay, cutting his own rope had been stupid, but he hadn’t given it a second thought—if he had been pulled out, the kid would have drowned. Hell, Eddie was close to that himself, taking several hits off of the tank Bobby had given him whenever he needed a breath that didn’t taste like mud or metal.

“This is Diaz.”

Because he stayed down there, he was able pull the kid out of the pipe and at the very least, give him some freedom to take a deep breath in the tiny little aquifer that Eddie had dug into.

“Can anyone hear me? This is Eddie.”

He was absolutely clinging to that justification, too. Sure, he had no way of knowing how fast the water would rise, but the water in the pipe had surpassed where the kid was before Chim had made his appearance. Eddie cut his rope, the kid got to live. Hooray.

“I’m alive. I’m still alive down here!”

Handing the kid off to Chim had been cake. It probably didn’t hurt that when Eddie looked up through the hole, all he saw was light. Somehow, knowing that Buck was going to be pissed off at him gave Eddie hope.

“I’m still alive down here!”

And then the drill had collapsed, and any light, any hope that Eddie had, had been snuffed out just like that.

“Anyone?”

There was nothing. No light, no sound, nothing. Eddie went from the sound of pounding rain and muffled shouts to inky blackness and the sound of his own racing heart, and he couldn’t do much more than shout, hands dug into the dirt beneath him as he started to shake.

He had gambled it all—everything he had, his life, his job, his family, and he had lost. His family, fuck, how was Chris supposed to handle this so soon after Shannon’s death? How could Eddie have done this, how could he have stepped forward when he had so much of his own shit at risk, how—

“…idiotic, arrogant asshole…”

Eddie had to shy away from a sudden burst of light behind him long before he heard any words, covering his eyes with a gloved hand.

“Buck?”

“…completely moronic, you—you cut your own fucking line, Eddie! What the fuck were you thinking, you could have been crushed—“

“Buck.”

Eddie hated how weak he sounded, but he couldn’t bring himself to particularly care—not when the result was Buck’s hands on his shoulders, the light dimming enough that Eddie could see properly. Buck was pissed, no doubt about it, but the emotions took a side step to a look of concern, of worry, and just like that Eddie was gone, voice tight as tears carved new tracks in the mud on his cheeks.

“I’m—I’m so fucking sorry, I’m so sorry I put you in this situation and—and Chris, god, I’m such a terrible father, and—“

“Woah, woah, calm down, we’re not going to go down that road right now.”

It took some awkward repositioning on Buck’s part but they were both able to face one another, water lapping at their legs as it slowly rose. “You’re reckless, sure, but you’re not an idiot. Being stuck down here doesn’t make you stupid, as much as I hate to admit it. Now, what do we know?” Buck’s tone was bitter, but there was no mistaking the earnest truth in his voice, and Eddie felt his face crumple when Buck looked back to him.

“Well, we’re... about thirty five feet down. One primary entrance and exit point, now blocked by the drill. There’s no radio communications, no way to send a message, and if I had to guess, no way my GPS is picking up anything.” Eddie said, smacking the useless unit on his wrist. “The water is rising, slower than it was before now that the pipe is mostly flooded, but it’s still rising, and I.... I really hope you have some magic up your sleeve.” Eddie’s voice was mostly joking, but the look that Buck shot him quickly crushed any shadow of humor he was reaching for.

“I mean, the fire truck was easy. It’s a movable thing, it’s not fixed, it’s small in the grand scheme of things, but this... Eddie, even if I could move enough earth to get you out of here, I’d be just as likely to crush you. There has to be another way out.” Buck said, his hand easily bringing Eddie in closer, tendrils of warmth creeping under his wetsuit.

There wasn’t, and every soldiers sense in Eddie’s body was urging him to scream that truth at the top of his lungs until Buck understood it, but they had come too far for him to break down now.

Well, to break down again.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” Eddie asked after a long moment, face buried in Buck’s shoulder, Buck’s returning sigh more of an attempt at some levity than anything else.

“Because you’re an asshole with free will, and I can’t stop that. Your specific blend free will is just a little more self sacrificing than others.”

Eddie gave a short laugh, the sound weak and mostly humorless, allowing himself to settle into a moment of silence.

It was easy enough to be quiet when he wasn’t alone with the sound of his own breathing—Buck was still holding him close, his body alight, and Eddie let his breathing time to the pulses radiating off of Buck’s taller frame. The light seemed to dance along the walls of the cave, bouncing and refracting off the water, sinking beneath the murky depths. Buck’s focus seemed to stray to the water as Eddie felt his mind wander, but it was different now—the panic of the moment had given way to a heavy fog, starting to dull just the edge of his senses.

Honestly, the moment was kind of... peaceful.

It might even have been pretty, Eddie thought, his brain becoming a little more addled as he burned through the pocket of oxygen they had in their hidey hole.

Maybe this wouldn’t be a bad way to die after all. As long as he suffocated before he drowned, anyway.

“Buck, I need you to listen for a second.”

His words were slow, spoken between splashes of nasty water as he turned to look at Buck, who was still intently focused on the water, which was easily lapping at their shoulders.

“Eddie, shut up.”

“You—you have to tell Chris—“

“No.”

“Buck, I can’t, I—“

“No, Eddie, you don’t get to tap out right now. This is my job, it’s my fucking job, and I am very, very good at what I do. Even if my fucking charge cut his own fucking lifeline.” Buck snapped, voice deadly calm, and Eddie flinched back. “Now, I think—I think I have a plan. How’s that tank that Bobby gave you?”

A brief glance at his wrist confirmed what he already knew. “It’s yellow. Two minutes, tops.”

“That’s all I need. Come on, put the mouthpiece in. Close your eyes until I let you go, then we’re gonna have to swim for it, okay?”

“Buck…”

“Now, Edmundo.”

If Eddie had the energy, he might have felt afraid in the moment, but when he looked back at Buck all he saw was angel—in the semi-sacreligious, biblical sense. The glow under his skin, which had been growing all evening, was almost blinding now, the very air cracking around him. His eyes were alight like coals and his skin seemed to match the temperature as he grabbed Eddie, arms around his waist. Eddie hardly had the time to put his mouthpiece in before Buck slid them under the water, and then they were off.

The deeper they went, the more Eddie found himself wishing he had suffocated—especially if drowning was the only other option. He could feel everything, every rock scraping against his suit, every tear at his harness, and the pressure, fuck, the pressure, he couldn’t tell if his ears had popped or if the drums just burst entirely. He kept his eyes shut, as he promised, but by that point Buck was so bright that his flimsy eyelids couldn’t keep the light out, and it was all he could do to keep his breathing steady.

If he had dared to peek, he probably would have seen the indicator on his wrist start to blink red, but it wasn’t like that mattered. The air in his mouth had gone stale as soon as Buck let him go, eyes snapping open, trying to tell which way was up as he started to kick wildly. He made quick work of everything weighing him down—the harness, the helmet, the tank, the air long since bad anyway.

He could only barely register Buck’s light in the murky water, legs moving sluggishly beneath him, a stream of frustrated bubbles leaving his lips. His legs were starting to give out, each kick toward the surface weaker than the last, darkness creeping in around the edges of his vision even with the lake being lit up like a beacon.

Suddenly, Eddie was eleven again, and Buck was pulling him out of the swimming hole behind his parents house—only now, he wasn’t sure if he could make it, wasn’t sure if he would be able to surface before the darkness ripped his vision away.

He choked out another mouthful of bubbles as the water around him pulsed with light, and with a sharp tug around his waist he was suddenly launched forward, the cold water slicing across his cheeks like liquid daggers. The closest thing he could compare it to was being thrown from the truck, after the bomb had gone off—one moment, he was choking on his own exhalation, the next, he was hitting the shore, hard, sputtering and coughing even as he continued to drag himself away from the water.

Somehow, the worst part of all of this was the fucking rain—relentlessly pounding down on him, drowning out the sound of his own ragged breathing, his footsteps, he couldn’t even hear Buck stumble behind him anymore. His attempts at encouragement had just turned into ragged sounds, barely there words as he struggled to suck in another breath, blindly staggering away from the water and toward the steady pulse of red lights.

Back toward home.

Eddie could hardly believe it.

He wasn’t sure if it was the last kick of adrenaline or the afterglow of Buck’s warmth holding him up, but he started moving faster, feet scrabbling for purchase on the slick terrain as he stumbled. His breathing had started to become ragged as he dragged himself along, but he still felt his heart start to pound as he heard voices—Bobby’s voice, the familiar tone of orders being barked out, vaguely hearing his own name over the roar of the rain.

They hadn’t given up on him.

He heard more than he felt the moment his legs finally gave out, stumbling face first into the huddle of first responders, the burning feel to his skin finally ebbing into something more pleasant, more bearable, even as the rain started to sink into his bones. He wasn’t in great shape, to say the least; the only reason he remained upright for even a moment was because of the quick thinking of his teammates, reaching out for him as he stumbled.

“I’m—I’m pretty cold.” He got out as he went down, the sudden loss of warmth from Buck’s hands forcing him to focus on the present, even as the touch lingered, skin warm where Buck had pushed him forward.

Things moved pretty quickly after that. He was half pulled, half walked into the nearest rig, foil blankets tight around his shoulders as an oxygen mask was forced over his face and a blood pressure cuff started to cut off circulation to his arm.

He couldn’t tell where Buck was anymore, and how was that even possible? Buck had lit up the tiny-ass cave they were stuck in like a beacon, he had made the entire lake glow like a lighthouse, he had burned like—

Like a flame, Eddie realized, burning itself out.

No sooner did he make that connection did his entire body go cold, the lingering warmth from Buck’s touch snuffed out like a candle, and Eddie felt a noise he couldn’t own up to rip itself free from his throat as he started to shiver.

Fuck.

“Hen, he’s—he’s gone, fuck, I have to—“

“Eddie, stop, we got the kid, he’s okay, you—Eddie!”

His entire body was shaking as he tossed his mask aside and tore himself from her grip, making it only a few steps before he fell to the ground, tears mixing with mud as he cracked his nails trying to dig. “No! No, no, I can’t leave him—I have to get him, he’s—no, fuck, no!”

He only vaguely registered Hen calling for help over the sound of his own crying, voice broken as he continued to wail, the noises coming from his body sounding like something ripped from the depths of hell. Suddenly multiple sets of hands were pulling him back, wrapping him in shock blankets, strapping him to lie down on what he thought was a backboard.

There was already darkness starting to creep in at the edges of his vision, even as his eyes spun wildly in his skull, taking in Bosko, Hen, Chim, Bobby, Kinard...

No sandy hair. No pink lips. No blue eyes.

It wasn’t the first time he couldn’t see Buck, but this was different. He could still feel him, could still feel his presence, the good that he put into the world, and now…

He was gone.

Buck was gone.

And as Eddie finally gave in and passed out, blackness swirling out from the corners of his vision, he thought he would never be warm again.

#eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #evaneddie #911 #hurt/comfort #Eddie begins #guardianangel!Buck #fic #buddiefic #911fic #evaneddiefic #flospeaks

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