no-footprints-in-the-snow

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Thanks for Nothing, GoFundMe

So GoFundMe, made an error, and sent back all the donations I was sent. So now I’m back at square one with zero donations, and have to start all over again. Great. To anyone who donated, I’m sorry, it was GFM’s fault, and they openly admit it in an e-mail. Thanks GoFundMe, for making everything look sketch AF.

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

I Need Help

I have been billed for an aircast boot/crutches from the hospital for fractured metatarsals, and my toes are so infected that I may require debridement. I have also been diagnosed with a new eating disorder on top of my Atypical Anorexia, and Binge Eating Disorder. It is called “Anorexia Athletic”. Apparently it’s not even in the DSM-5 ‘yet’ according the doctor I spoke to. I am in desperate need of new shoes as I have been using hand-me-downs. However, I am more concerned about the hospital bill at the moment. Every donation, no matter how small, makes a difference. I am on disability and fasting for 72 to 240hrs at a time helps me be able to pay the bills when I can’t even afford food. Even if you can't donate, liking, or reblogging the post helps.   https://gofund.me/376f1f47

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Hereditary

Alright, so I had the thought, “A moment on the lips, forever on your hips,” and I stopped to think about it. My mother used to tell me that. She also used to congratulate me every time I got sick, because “at least you’ll lose a few pounds, right?” Or how when I used five sweeteners (yeah, I fucking liked sweet fucking coffee) she would gasp at the amount and say, “That’s a lot of sweetener,” as though I were using REAL fucking sugar. It’s zero calories, that’s the whole freaking POINT of sweetener. “But it could cause cancer.” I mean, yeah, this was the oughties, so whatever, but I smoked like half a pack a day anyway, so what’s going to kill me first? The sweetener? Your criticisms? Or my smoking habit? But I quit smoking. And sweetener has been proven to be just fine and dandy. So, guess which one is still with me today?  Speaking of -- I switched to black coffee because she did this EVERY fucking time. At least it was dark like my fucking soul.I got used to drinking it that way because your opinion fucking MATTERED to me. I mean, when you’re young and insecure, who’s mother’s opinion DOESN’T matter to them?  For Christmas she bought me goal clothes as long as I can remember. Christmas gifts at ten? A new snowboard, a proper fitting set of snowpants and a jacket, but everything else clothes oriented? One or two sizes down, so that I’d be motivated to lose weight. At ten. Yeah.  I’m going through my agoraphobia, straight up fear of going outside, of being seen in public because I’m disgusting. I’m worthless. I’m fat. And even when I lost weight, and we had them over for lunch, I bought pumperknickle bread and spinach dip (which I hadn’t had in years and years since SHE’D last had it at some get-together) and she watched me like a HAWK every time I took a piece. Little did she know I hadn’t eaten in 21 days before that and I was fucking STARVING. And I was losing my fucking hair. It was coming out in HANDFULS at this point every time I took a shower.  You know what? I’ve been waiting OVER A YEAR for a out-patient ED clinic, and I’ve been waiting MONTHS for ‘crisis counselling’! The whole health system is in SHAMBLES right now. The first time my mother had seen me since the pandemic hit, and they came to visit for that same lunch, she said and I quote,  “Let’s see that weight loss!” Oh and I can’t forget, “I thought you said you lost weight?” My father even stepped in at that point. Down 70+lbs in 4 and a half months. All before even saying hello. Great. I’d already told her I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, and this was the first thing she said after nine months of not seeing me. JFC.  She always watched what I ordered whenever we went to a restaurant. Oh god, birthdays were such a fucking waste, I always wanted to go to get sushi but SHE doesn’t like sushi so we should go somewhere else! So I kept choosing this restaurant called “Milestones”. Because she liked things there.  Oh, and that quiet nod if I ordered a salad. The sheer look of disappointment on her face when I ordered a burger, and yet, of course, she’d snag a fry or two, to show how in control she was of HER eating habits. All the while watching me constantly while I ate with that look of disappointment on her face.  But I see you, Pennywise, spitting your food into your napkin. Sending food back for having ‘too much dressing’ after eating less than half, and saying ‘No it’s okay, I don’t need another.’ Way to get a free meal, and impress upon your only daughter that you have an eating disorder. You think no one else noticed? My friends noticed. I noticed. Damn, even other family members noticed. But you’re too far gone now to try and change.  “I’m skinnier than ALL my friends”, “You won’t believe how much weight _______ has put on!”, “I really have to watch what I eat”, you’ve been saying this for decades now. And I thought ___________ was your ‘best friend’. What a mean girl you are, Pennywise! And you were like this WAY before you got your gallbladder removed. Why are we no contact? Why do I avoid you? Because I am mean enough to myself and I don’t need your fucking help to exascerbate a fucking eating disorder or mental breakdown. I can do that all by myself simply by remembering things you’ve said to me in my past. Things you barely acknowledge or just straight up don’t even remember. What you don’t remember, were PIVOTAL moments of my childhood. You destroyed my entire view of myself. The body dysmorphia is fucking real. I can look in the mirror and will never see myself. And YOU did that.  Barbie didn’t give me body image issues. Barbie taught me that you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed form the body. But you, you taught me for to undereat, or eat in secret, and I was ALWAYS hungry. I used to find you sneaking food. I know you were hungry, woman. You may have always acted like you were indifferent, but I knew. I was hiding food, and eating while I was away at school during the day. And yeah, I gained weight, because I didn’t know HOW to do things in moderation, because you restricted so much FOR me. I didn’t know HOW to eat properly.  “We don’t need as much as the boys,” or “You really want that much?” When I’d been out swimming for four hours, and running around at the cottage, and was famished. You really showed me, Ma. Well don’t worry, your daughter is GREAT at starving, just like you. And now, she has an eating disorder. Like you. Like your mother. For me, an eating disorder was hereditary. For you, too. You think I didn’t hear the way grandma talked to you? I know where you got in from. I know more than you think I do.  Well at least we’re both existing in hell together now. 

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

I need help with the ABC diet, can someone DM me?

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

I am 4 points away from being into a new weight class. That’s 15.4lbs. I’ve lost 25.7lbs in 3 1/2 weeks. I don’t know if it’s doable, but I’m sure as hell going to try to shake that 16lbs in the next 3 1/2 weeks. My weight loss is slowing down (as it tends to do after the original jump start) -- but hell, a gal can dream can’t she? I’m goal oriented. And my pants are already baggy on me, so I’m going to do my best, and keep up the ABC diet, and see where that takes me. :)

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

The first tattoo I ever got was when I was about fourteen. And you know what it was? A Blue Morpho Butterfly. I used to collect butterflies. Guess what that freaking butterfly is commonly called? The Cerulean Butterfly. Go fucking figure.

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Volume Eating & Ballerina Tea

I’m down 4.2lbs since my last post. I’m staying focused and am trying ‘volume eating’. So like lots of celery and cucumber. It’s been really good. I’m also trying adding 3 Ballerina Tea into my regular routine. If you haven’t looked into it -- take a look. I am HOLLOW. I swear Lord Tundering Jaysus, it just cleaned out my insides. I don’t even think I have organs anymore. lol

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

I’m back.

So, I disappeared for a LONG time there. The reason why? I quit drinking, and quit smoking cigarettes. They say you put down the bottle and pick up the fork. And holy f*ck, is it true. So, I got really derailed. But I’m right around the weight I was when I left. So. Here we go again.  Also, I tried to get into an out-patient program, and they f*cked up my appointment TWICE. Then they just never called again. So yeah. My BED took over, but now I’m back in edtt stage I suppose. So here we go. I’m on day 9 of a fast, but I’m taking my electrolytes, drinking water, walking a little, and super determined and focused.

August 22nd: This happened after (TW HERE) my partner brought home a slice of cookies and cream cheesecake for me from his work, and I opened it up, grabbed a fork and was walking to the table. And I looked down and an earwig crawled out from under the slice of cake, and another was wriggling IN the cake. I just...  -windows shut down sound-  My entire brain just switched straight back into -- “Uh, no.” So now, here I am. I’ll check in more frequently if I can manage.  

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

So I started Intermittent Fasting on Monday, April 4th. My weigh in days are Mondays. I’m still weighing in -- and I’m recording it on my phone’s weight loss app, but I’m going to aim to only record my Monday weigh-ins on Tumblr so that I don’t freak out over fluctuations. So I’ve removed my previous posts so that I don’t panic. If I just focus on week-to-week in my Tumblr it may help.

Also, I’m officially 10 days sober. I’ve attended two Zoom AA meetings today. I’m not really sure if AA is my thing, but I figure I can at least give it a try it and see how I feel. One day at a time. Monday is officially my weigh in day -- I’m hoping that we’ll be down 10lbs by then. I’m close -- about a 1.5lb away. I think I can do that in two days if I stick to my healthy eating habits, and keep drinking lots of water. 

Since I quit drinking, I haven’t been sleeping - it’s been BRUTAL. My doctor scripted me two weeks of Xanax, and I’m desperately hoping it helps me sleep. I’m also extremely paranoid because I know Xanax is really addictive, so I’m concerned. But it’s just two weeks. Hopefully I can actually sleep though. I desperately need some damned sleep. Hopefully I sleep properly tonight. I’m so desperate right now.

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Got My Official Diagnosis Today

Had to wait until now because my doctor was on a two week vacation, and despite having two separate appointments previously, she didn't call either time. Unfortunately, this led me to my own conclusions, which apparently were correct. I officially have my diagnosis. Not that it changes much. I've been walking to the sidewalk 1-3 times a day or sometimes, just opening the garage door and standing there. I genuinely feel like I'm going to throw up, but I do it, and I've been doing my own exposure therapy. Just as I've done with my PTSD/C-PTSD/eating disorders, I've been doing self-exposure therapy to get around it. Some days are easier than others.

I'm not willing to back down. I had to turn down some wedding work (I'm a photographer), even though restrictions are finally lifting, simply because leaving the house is terrifying. I'm making a goal to find some music I like, and walking to the park. Even if I just make it across the street, I'll be proud, but I'd like to do a lap around the park. I used to walk 10-25K+ steps in a day, and now, I hyperventilate standing in the front mud room because I can hear the traffic. Even looking out the windows is hard, thank goodness for the black out blinds.

I intend to ditch this behaviour, and explore my new world, as we've moved recently into our own home; and the only time I can leave the house is when I'm drunk. However, that is neither sustainable or healthy. The diagnosis doesn't change much. I already knew what the problem was -- but hearing my doctor say it gives me some backbone to do something about it. More than I've recently been doing. I refuse to just be a series of diagnosis. Diagnosi?  Diagnoses?

Anyway, I'm much to fun and fabulous to be stuck in my house all the time. -weak smile- Hopefully my survivor's humour will get me through this like it has, many other things in my life.

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

NON-SCALE VICTORY

I CAN TOUCH MY TOES! OMG!

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

WHOOSH FAIRY!

I got visited by the Whoosh Fairy! <3 SQUEE!

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

ONEDERLAND

I’m in freaking ONEDERLAND. I’m so happy. :)

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

The Good, and The Great

So, I finally made it. I lost 100 lbs. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much -- real life got in the way, and not only did I lose 100lbs (101.4 lbs in total so far!), but we BOUGHT A HOUSE. We got our dream house. It’s AMAZING, and it’s beautiful, and HUGE! We were so lucky. We weren’t even the highest bidders. The woman just liked us, and my SO and I were buying our first home together.

Everything has been excited and I’m SO close to ONEderland, I can TOUCH IT! I’m so excited! <3 <3 <3 I’m going to go for a short walk to the convenience store, because it seems to help burn off some extra calories and back. Nothing crazy like my 20,000 steps I’d been doing, I actually find that if I exercise just a little (about twenty minutes), it helps with my weight loss more than doing an extra long work out. :) Still fat -- but I’m getting there. I did my measurements, and I’m at 46-35-46. Freaking hourglass, but nowhere near where I want to be. However, I AM GOING TO GET THERE! I know it! <3 I’m a freaking Queen, and I’m so pumped! I’m finally below 50% body fat, and I’m 2.7 points form being in Obese Class I, which is great for me, my health, making my life longer, and helping my organs and heart function better. I’m getting healthy, and healthy means HAPPY!

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Non-Scale Victory

NSV: I was supposed to wait until Wednesday, but I did my measurements today. And I'm 46-35-46. I'm down another inch in my waist. Happy with that. :)

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Well, today went well. My mother, the narcissist was visiting today, and I was practically beside myself. She has a major fixation on my weight loss. She was like, "How much do you weigh now?" And I just shrugged, "I don't know." Of course, I know, but it’s not her business. And my hair is falling out, but we’re looking for a reason (blood tests every two weeks, I have really low bone density markers, but nothing is showing up yet). It's like 3 feet long now, and she goes, "I can cut off those dead ends." And I just shook my head, and was like, "I'd rather not. My hair is falling out. If I brush it to cut it, it'll fall out more." And she knows my hair is falling out. My doctor and I are trying to figure out the issue. And she was like pointedly looking at the fact that I was eating bread. It’s a BIG no-no in my mother’s eyes. Women aren’t supposed to eat sandwiches, or eat bread or too much of anything that’s a carb. She ate two pieces herself and that was it. It was the first time I'd had bread in so long, I genuinely can't remember the last time I ate it. I usually don’t eat it because it tends to make me feel slow and logey. But we were having them for lunch (but it was my Intermittent Fasting period), and I snagged some pieces because I wanted it while it was fresh and good. She was watching me like a damned hawk each time I took a piece. Even though I ate nothing else, I ruined my intermittent fasting time today but that’s okay. It was worth it to have a little treat. I bought a large Caesar salad, and the pumpernickel with spinach dip as sides, and my husband put on sausages, chicken, and whatnot on the BBQ. We showed them the house, and they were very happy with what they saw, and according to my husband they said, “Wow, you can really tell how much weight she’s lost!” I don’t believe him, but I love him for it. <3 I ate when I got home, and there’s no way to count the calories, and today, I don’t mind. I ate intuitively, and didn’t go overboard. I’m exhausted, and ready for a nap. Their presence takes a lot out of me. This is the last financial string to cut. I just need to close this joint bank account that Pennywise kept refusing to close, and we agreed to close it. Finally.

[no-footprints-in-the-snow]

Kicking butt and taking names! The WHOOSH Fairy is still with me! SQUEE! I'm 1.4lbs from being 100lbs down, and 3.5lbs from being in ONEderland! And I'm going to party like it's 199.9! -happy dance-