jasontoddscrowbars

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Tim: I swore I saw a ufo on patrol tonight.

Damians: yeah, if aliens are real, how come we’ve never come into contact with them?

Jason, without even looking up from his book: two girls and one cup.

Dick: Jason!

Damian: what’s that?

Dick:

Dick: 🤬

Jason: 🪦

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Jason was banned from jogging outside because too many people would turn their heads and goggle causing accidents.

He thought maybe putting his helmet on would help, believing they might be looking at his handsome face. (So pure)

Jason was banned from jogging outside with his helmet on too because double the people would turn their heads and goggle, causing accidents.

Tim showed him the reports one night.

69% of the accidents were from men.

Bonus:

Jason was jogging on a treadmill in the Batcave.

The Batmobile suddenly crashed into the cave wall.

Dick was banned from driving the Batmobile when Jason was working out. Again.

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As Damian was struggling to open the tiny box milk carton at school, he got a shiver. His eyes narrowed; they were here.

Three bodies sat down enclosing around him in sync. Trays set down.

Jason: maaan! I do love me some school pizza!

Damian groaned. Dicks brows raised as he saw Damian drop the milk carton to the table. Reached across taking it.

Dick: having a hard time Dami?

Damian went to snatch it back as classmates were staring but it was too late. His mother hen was opening it and returning it.

Dick, pleased: there you go, hun.

Damian: oh god.

Jason, mouth full of pizza: what’s that shit?

Damian didn’t have to look to know he was staring down at his salad.

Damian: I don’t like the schools pizza.

Tim: cus you’re an abomination.

Damian: because it’s square

He signaled to the tray in front of Dick since Jason had already almost finished his and Tim and torn the edges off of his.

Damian: it’s pretty much always undercooked. And it’s got cheese so processed and fake I don’t think it can even be called cheese.

The three stared at him trying to find the problem here. Dick clicked his tongue as if he figured it out.

Dick: ahh. Is it because it upsets your tummy.

Tim slowly nodded with the most overzealous serious and concerned expression making Damian blushed.

Tim: he must get the shits.

As girls behind giggled, Damian began to slowly reach for the knife to reach for the plastic knife beside him but decided against it.

Dick: don’t worry. I have meds for that!

Jason: guys! Stop. You’re embarrassing him.

Jason: we all know how silent and deadly they are. If we don’t talk about it, people might not be able to point it back to him.

Oh, they will.

Damian: who lets you guys in here?!

Dick blinked: no one. We just walk right in.

That explains a lot.

Tim: Damian! Was that you, ugh!

As Tim pinched his nose, Dick sniffed the air. He waved at the air in shock as he whistled.

Dick: that’s gotta be our baby boy.

Damian twitched.

Jason: nah, that was me.

Damian: every week! Every week you guys come here. You get the fucking gross ass pizza. Tim eats more ranch with it than the pizza itself. And you sit down and embarrass me. Why?

They all deadpanned him. Tim holding a piece of pizza coated in ranch up an inch from his mouth as he was judging him.

Dick: isn’t it obvious Damian?

Damian twisted his face confused.

Damian: because Bruce used to do this?

Dick: yes, but!

Dick: no.

Jason: pizzas good.

Damian: it’s not good!

Dick: same time next Friday?

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Bruce feels a need to join every flirty conversation his sons have with new people. The boys think he’s just cockblocking or being that ‘annoying embarrassing dad’ but he actually is doing it for a purpose.

Any guy (or girl) that gets upset because their dad, Bruce Wayne, interrupted them would never stand a chance in their family. Shy? Maybe. He understands some people need to warm up to blossom into wonderful people, but blowing up instantly like assholes? Not happening. He’ll take his sons right away and leave with only a glare that’ll put the cockiest person in their place.

There’s only one type of character Bruce would find worse in these instances? People who instantly forgot his sons existed and began to pay attention to him. The ‘famous’ billionaire Brucie Wayne. He hated the look of disappointment on the faces of his boys as they would just wander away awkwardly. Bruce never understood how someone would give up one of his charming attractive boys for his old annoying self.

They got the same cold shoulder and cold look.

As for the people who did pass? Bruce would ask for their phone number for his awkward, slow paced children and walk away leaving his boys scrambling to recover in a panic. Now that, he’d give every ounce of a billion to see play out but he never watched.

In honor of my mom, who everytime a guy talks to me, feels the need to join in on the conversation or at least awkwardly stand there and snoop.

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Wayne’s as princesses.

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Dick threw a tablet in Bruce’s face. Jason had a dreadful pit in his stomach.

“If I get 5000 likes can I have my things back?”

Bruce stared at the post Tim had made over the top of his glasses, studying it as Jason was shaking his head in disbelief.

“Things? You mean that trash you stored at MY place?”

“Yeah… id like that back too.”

Bruce gave a sigh that turned into a humph as he rubbed his stubbled face. He gave a curt nod then and Dick shot up screaming with glee.

“What!” Jason yelled, “are you crazy! Don’t enable his bad behaviors.”

“Oh come off it Jason,” Bruce settled, “I enable you all the time.”

Jason folded his arms as he grumbled.

“It’s my fucking apartment.”

“That I foot the bill for,” Bruce got the last word in.

Tim sat hidden in the corner tucked in a blanket fort, his thumbs flying while already reblogging as he brought a coffee to his lips.

Dick is a low key hoarder. He sees something shiny, he picks it up. It’s his inner bird nature. It’s really unexpected of him though. No one would see his struggles because he hid it so well. You go to his room? Spotless. His place in Bludhaven? Clean.

Where does he hoard it all?

One of Jason’s safe houses that Jason had forgotten about.

So when Jason was doing some ‘shady crime lord business’ and needed a place to hang low he suddenly thought of a place in the area that he was pretty sure he stopped paying the bills on. Either way he headed there.

Pleasantly, the code worked and he got in… half a foot past the door.

Junk, as far as the eye can see which wasn’t far. And it wasn’t just random things like bike parts or newspapers, no, it was their stuff. Dicks, Tim’s, Damian’s, Bruce’s, even his! Someone had been taking their things and had the gull to put it in his safe house!

Who in their right mind would do that? They obviously weren’t!

Grumbling, Jason began climbing over knee high mounds of objects. As he got into the living room he saw an organized pile forming a circle around a chair. It seemed to be pictures. Hundreds of them. And they were Tim’s old pictures he had just thrown out!

Was it that trash man?! Was the bastard stealing their trash? Was he selling it? Oh, was Jason going to give him the what for-

A foot met his gut sending him sideways into a stash of Damian ‘s old animal plushies. Jason groaned as he rose. The power of the kick, how it was done and where it landed added with the size of the small foot; he knew who it was right away.

“Dick!” He yelled.

“I am not a dick!”

Jason snapped around growling; saw his older brother in grey sweats with the band rolled half a dozen times and one of HIS old torn shirts. It even had a washed blood stain that wouldn’t come out.

“Dick!” He boomed.

Dick froze as he realized the intruder was not a thief but in fact his brother finally returning to his own place. His worse fear coming to fruition.

“Ahhh… no?”

“What,” Jason stumbled to his feet in angry frustration.

He signaled the pictures, stuffed animals, piles of clothes… his eyes landed on warped metal and snapped his head back to Dick.

“Is that my old bike?”

Dick glanced away, “no.”

“How’d you even get it up here?”

“I’m a Robin, Jason, if I couldn’t at least do that?Seriously?”

Well, true, but that wasn’t the point.

“What is all this junk? More importantly, why in my place?”

Dick twiddled his thumbs.

“I like to collect.”

“I can see that!” Jason agreed.

“Stop yelling at me!”

Jason rubbed his face in stress.

“Why my place?”

“Because no one would know.”

No one would know. Well. Jason knew now. He knew very much so because he’d just been kicked into a pile of musty stuffed animals that’d been deep into a trash can.

“Dick.”

Dick squeaked as he sensed it coming.

“No.”

“Dick.”

“You can’t!”

Jason folded his arms as Dick was desperately pleading.

“Anything but that! They won’t understand.”

“You have to get rid of everything. Now.”

Dick fell to his knees sobbing. Began to sweep up the pictures in a big hug which sort of made Jason feel a little guilty. Maybe they could keep this between them-

“No!” He wailed, “they won’t understand! They won’t get why I am throwing them away! The toys Jason! The poor toys!”

And he’s lost it. Probably seen Toy Story one too many times. Dick held a picture up of his brothers.

“My brothers. They won’t understand why I’m throwing them away. I really liked these ones a lot, so much cuter.”

Jason grit his teeth then. Yeah. He’s definitely throwing everything away.

——

“Wow,” Damian acknowledged as he watched Dick cling to Bruce, fighting him over tossing a trash bag into a bin, Tim trying to yank him back at his waist, “wouldn’t have guessed.”

Jason gave a nod. They watched Alfred come up and spray Dick with Lysol sending him running.

“You should probably go check all of your safe houses,” Jason muttered.

“On it,” Damian agreed walking away.

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I made the Wayne boys as Princesses. Also, I made a Batman symbol procreate brush but I don’t know how to share it on here and I really want to…

I kind of just experimented with different patterns on the dresses but tried to stay true to the boys fav colors or outfits. There’s some little eggs in there on their outfits. Since I full heartedly believe the boys have all put on drag at some point, I don’t think this is to much of a stretch for them. Being princesses definitely fits them. They’d totally go full into it too and Alfred would finally have a house of little lady’s he’s always wanted (but of course they’d be divas).

As for the brush, it’s the bat symbol! ⬇️

I made it to share but you can’t put files on here. I thought maybe ao3 but that’s weird. If you guys want it, shoot ideas at me where to post it.

(It is my first brush so of course feel free to improve it)

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Dick: ba da ba ba baa

Jason: hot pockets

Tim: yuummm

Damian: you guys always ruin these things.

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Damian: I really want to learn D&D. I’m tired of barely understanding these memes!

Damian: and my boyfriend.

Jason, Tim and Jon creeping up from a couch five behind him like: 🤩🧙‍♂️🎲

Damian: or! I could play Yahtzee with the Alfred’s.

Jason, Tim and Jon: 🧙‍♂️!

Damian, leaving: yeah, I’m gunna do that.

Jason, wrapping ropes around his wrist to tie him with as Tim opened his Dungeon Masters Guide: I’ll go get him.

Jon: eek! Cant wait!

Tim, shaking his head: he forgot to roll for initiative.

Dick, sitting across from them: you guys realize it’s just a game, right?

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Au where Jason never died. And one day Dick picks him up on the last day of school and they come home all excited, ready to have an amazing summer including Bruce finally taking them to Disney World (because Dick, as a grown man, needs to finally meet all the princesses, have his book signed and have his dreams fulfilled).

As they opened the door, they expect the usual pompous response. A confetti canon, balloons, Alfred blowing on a noisemaker.

Instead they find the grand entrance quiet, Bruce in a suit talking to Alfred in a hushed tone and… a little girl with a short black pony tail standing close behind him. The boys glance at each other confused before quickly turning back to her as if she might disappear. She was staring back with big wide blue eyes as she hugged Bruce’s shirt. Reaching up to just around his waist, she had to be about twelve. She was pale- very pale, and so skinny. She wore a simple red shirt and blue jeans.

dick: so fresh out of an orphanage.

Jason about stalled there, had a little fritz as he grabbed Dick yanking him close and pulling him in.

Jason: you- you think he adopted her?!

Dick: pshh. Of course he did. Youre getting too old for your robin mantel.

Jason tilted his head as he let that sit in a moment. He knew it would come to this at some point but not this soon… not right after graduating.

Jason: but a little girl.

Dick rolled his eyes. Something popped into his mind though. A little sister. The promises, oh all the promises.

Dick: princesses.

Jason: what?

Dick took his shoulders as he saw it all now. Jason looked at him with concern, wondered if maybe he shouldn’t tell Bruce to reconsider; at least put a gps device on the kid.

Dick: princesses, Jason! She’s a little girl!

Jason: yes?

Dick: it means I can use her to get closer to the princesses with out looking like a pervert.

Jason slowly nodded. He then brought his arms up around Dicks resting them on Dicks shoulders.

Jason: dick. I’m telling you this because I love you. But that will make you look even more like a creep.

Dick: tch. You-

Bruce: boys!

The two separated, their arms snapping in but not without Dick snagging on Jason’s ear tugging it. Bruce guided their new sister forward, she didn’t leave his side. They immediately softened for her; went to bent down towards her but she ducked behind Bruce.

Bruce, chuckling: boys. I’d like you to meet your new brother.

Dick: new si- what?

Their faces both fell in unison. Bruce completely chose not to hear the blunder or their loud conversation that had the boy angrily holding his hand.

Bruce: this is Tim.

Jason, trying to smile and recover: T-tim?

Bruce, deadpanning: yes. Tim Drake. His parents *bruces hand brushed over Tim’s head pulling him in as he pressed one ear into his chest and held the other with his hand* unfortunately just passed so I am taking him in.

The boys shoulders shrunk with even more guilt.

Bruce: so. Take care of him. Treat him as your own.

Bruce nudged Tim forward as he began to back up. As he waved to them and walked away, the two desperately were hoping Tim would run off after him. Instead the kid just looked up at them.

Bruce: and don’t use him to flirt with princesses.

As Bruce vanished, Jason and Dick awkwardly whistled. Dick felt a tug at his shirt and looked down. Tim had those big wide eyes.

Dick: hmm?

Tim: you could be a princess.

Dick, in awe: ohh?

Tim: you’ve got a girls fat ass.

Jason fell behind Dick laughing, whose spirit had left him by being roasted by a child.

Alfred: he’s gunna fit right in.

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I’ve never been to IKEA, here’s my very obviously incorrect folklore-

Dick: how does ikea work?

Clark: ?

Dick: like, if you want to buy a bookshelf… do you pick up a whole book shelf?

Clark:

Dick: no, cus they got that whole shitty instructions things.

Clark, pen hovering over a pad as he just wants to continue his Nightwing interview.

Dick: do you just pick up a big box and put it in a cart? They’d need some big carts, especially if you have a lot of items.

Clark:

Dick: oh, but they got those flat carts!

Clark: just one time can we have a normal discussion.

Dick: it’s the gnomes, isn’t it?

Clark drops his pen down.

Clark: apparently not.

Dick: you pick up a card, a card with a barcode on it. Then they what, scan it? And then while you eat your meatballs, the tiny gnomes gather your furniture. But they can’t be seen so it just magically appears once you’ve reached your balls coma.

Clark:

Clark: yes, that’s it.

Dick: oh my god.

Clark begins to rise. He has enough material for his interview. Bruce can’t pay him enough to make his sons look good this time, the world needs to know.

Dick: Are they getting paid? Are they being treated right? Clark? Clark?

Clark opens the door.

Dick: Clark!

He pauses but is reluctant.

Dick: you think one would work as a sidekick for me?

——

Clark, waiting for the phone to ring through.

Click.

Bruce: hello?

Clark: take your fucking kids to ikea.

Click. Beeeeep.

Bruce pulls the phone back. Past him, Dick is fighting a gnome he says he stole from ikea into a mini Robin uniform, the other boys video taping.

Bruce: Clark just swore at me.

Damian: how rude.

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Pudding cups

Each Robin ate pudding cups differently.

Bruce would give the Robins chocolate vanilla pudding cups as rewards at the end of weekly patrols. Not the homemade stuff Alfred would make but the snackpak stuff in the plastic cups.

Chocolate layer, vanilla layer, chocolate.

Dick would aggressively stir the layers together. He had chaotic energy and everything had to morph as one giant sweet flavor. It gave him satisfaction to make as much of a mess as possible. He would then hand Bruce the spoon and just pour the pudding directly into his mouth squeezing it out of the cup.

Jason liked to stick the spoon straight down and the back in to get a perfect slice of all three layers. In the process of doing this, he would swipe the spoon against the side of the cup to make sure, each time, he would spoon up every last drop leaving nothing behind. At the end he would sit there meticulously scraping up the bottom.

Tim skims up layers from the top. He eats it painfully slow too. He takes the tiniest little even layer from the top, sucks on the spoon, and savors it. Bruce patiently waits for him while he eats it too. Finds the pace a nice change compared to the Dick who never tasted his.

Damian didn’t know what he was being handed. Bruce had to eat the first with him. Damian found the experience of eating the pudding with his father more fun than the pudding itself. Not long after, Dick joined them for these weekly moments. Damian wasn’t sure what to make of Dick eating his pudding cup. Then Tim joined and, well Tim was Tim. And when Jason came back, it was really rowdy. Damian wasn’t really all that big on the pudding cup, he liked Alfred’s better, but it didn’t taste all that horrible eating them with his brothers and father who were laughing like idiots. For once he was thankful Tim was so weird and ate so slow. 

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This is it reblogged with a picture showing the emojis for those who can’t see it.

Bad guy:

Child Tim: 🫩

Bad guy:

Bad guy: stop! I can’t take it! I did it, ok! It’s all hidden at-

Gordon: damn, he’s good.

Tim, popping up behind them: 🫩

Bruce and Gordon jump in shock, gasping.

Bruce: I’m… gunna go swaddle him into blankets and put him to bed… dont look at me like that, Gordon. He likes to escape.

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Jason, freshly returned from the Lazarus: *spends hours meticulously placing bomb on Batmobile without Bruce noticing only not to ever detonate it because it wasn’t teenage angsty enough*

Bruce, finding bomb when washing the car three weeks later: what the actual fuck?

—— three years later——

Bruce: I still don’t get how it got there.

Jason: your midsection? It’s called aging, men tend to lose muscle tone and gain fat Bruce, don’t worry. Some women like it, they call it a dilf.

Bruce:

Jon: my dad calls him that.

Bruce: I’m not talking about my stomach- which is more toned than ever! I’m talking about the bomb!

Jason, excitedly sitting up: where?

Bruce: not here!

Tim: duh, so where? Somewhere near by?

Tim glances towards the window he sits by, begins to peak out through blinds for any bursts of lights.

Tim, in a deeper tone: can we see the explosion from here?

Bruce punches his nose.

Bruce: three years ago I found a bomb under my car. I don’t know how it got there.

The boys all glance at Jason briefly. Bruce pauses as Jason just whistles while getting up from the sofa, turning away.

Bruce: I should have realized. All of the criminals around here are too idiotic to have been able to pull something off like that.

Dick: and Jason isn’t?

Tim: I think it takes an idiot to have the patience to do something like that. He has one brain cell and it plays the mission impossible theme song on repeat.

Jason, on the other side of the room playing drums with pencils against Jon’s back: dun dun dundun dun dun dundun dun dun dundunn dun dododoooo dododoooo

Bruce: does Clark really call me a dilf?

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Bruce, Dick and Jason come home from a mission. They are tired and starving. Find a giant bowl of fresh Alfredo on the kitchen table and just dig in like pigs, forgoing plates as they just take fork full after fork full.

Dick: I don’t know if it’s just because of the long mission, or because we haven’t eaten in days, but this is the best Alfredo I’ve ever had.

Jason: No, man, this really is the best.

Bruce: weird. Alfred usually likes to stick to the family recipes. Good for him.

Robin Tim: hey!

They all freeze, caught red handed.

Tim: I just made that!

Everyone turned to stare at the twelve year old who is covered in Alfredo sauce and wrapping a bandaid on his finger.

Jason: yeah right, you made this.

Tim: I grew up with my parents always gone TODD. I’m not incapable.

They sit there in disbelief a moment. Jason holds up his fork.

Jason: huh.

Bruce, running to him to check on his finger: you hurt yourself bud?

Tim: you ate all my food.

Bruce: I know. I’m sorry pal. We will go get some burgers after we change…

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Headcanon on the real reason Damian had a vendetta against Tim.

Damian, fresh onto his first mission out of the Batcave womb: *starry eyed*

Jason: what is he doing?

Twelve year old Damian standing two feet from Bruce staring up in awe as he’s fighting Penguin. Bruce begins to fall backward as he’s kicked. Damian’s eyes go huge.

Jason, Tim, Dick: ohhh!

Jason: I think his head went up his ass.

Dick: my poor baby!

Tim: I don’t think there’s coming back from that one.

Bruce, lifting up his son who is crying: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.

Damian: why did you do that to me! What father does that! You’re horrible!

Jason: why didn’t he move?

Tim: there is three reactions to danger. Fight. Flight. And freezing the fuck up.

Dick: huh.

Jason: I bet he never freezes up in a fight ever again.

Damian, coming up to them sniffling: why didn’t you guys save me?

Jason, pointing to Tim: his fault. He thought you should learn a lesson.

Tim: ?

Damian, eyes filling with vengeance: Drake.

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Dick talk

TransTim and Steph talking outloud in the cave as the boys trained.

Tim, suddenly: but why do they look like that?

Steph, covering her mouth: I don’t know.

Tim: they scare me. Like, being around one just makes me uncomfortable. What’s up with this worm?

Damian, confused: worm.

Bruce, putting his headphones in his ears as he returns to the computer: have fun.

Steph: they just… dangle.

Tim: I know. I see one and I want to *waves hand in little side to side motions like he’s swatting at-*

Dick: Timothy Drake!

Tim: why do they look like that!

Dick, blushing: they look perfectly fine! Wonderful, in fact.

Damian: what are we talking about? Worms look weird but not that bad.

Jason chuckled as he side glanced at him.

Tim: they look like evolution went wrong.

Steph: for real, I’m scared to touch it let alone make eye contact with it. It’s uncomfortable. And you only ever get somewhat used to it.

Damian: why does everyone have such a problem with worms. So what if they are a bit slimy.

Jason, squeaking with laughter: oh my god.

Steph: they look like boiled hotdogs!

Damian: they aren’t that color! Worms are more earth toned.

Jason: Dami! I’m dying.

Dick: guys. Cmon. What the hell. Tim. You just got one!

Damian, confused: Tim just got a worm?

Tim, dropping his boxers and spreading his legs as he let loose and spun his hose: I know! And I love how beautifully weird it is!

Steph: me too.

Damian:

Damian: I hate you all.

Jason: *choking*

Bruce: I should really invest in sound proof headphones.