geeky-nightphilosopher

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

The batkids but they take advantage of the fact that they all look pretty similar and fuck with people at parties and galas.

Some snobby rich person: So Tim, I hear that you've taken over a large portion of WE

Tim, grinning internally: Im not Tim, I'm Damian. Tim is the tall one over there *points at dick*

Rich snob: o-oh.. my mistake

Gossiping older woman: Dick, I heard that you're working in Bludhaven now. Do you have a special someone over there?

Dick: I'm not Dick I'm Tim. I'm working on overseeing WE at the moment.

Older woman: *squints suspiciously*

Some trophy wife: Aww, little Damian, how's your schooling going? Are you keeping your grades up?

Damian, with a shit eating grin: I'm not Damian. I'm the ghost of Jason todd.

Trophy wife: *looks somewhere between horrified and disbelieving*

Jason, who's been listening to this over comms that he'd hacked: lmao now tell her that she needs to wake up

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

... ♥

been thinking about them a lot lately

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

*hanging out at Titans Tower*

Dick: do you know what I hate? People acting as if JASON was an angry Robin-

Jason: can you not?

Dick: shut up! I'd say I was angry as Robin, Damian for a bit, Tim a little bit but JASON! JASON?

Jason: I have a rep-

Dick: HE WAS ADORABLE! He said 'Robin gives me magic', he had his little front curls, he used to wrap himself up in his cape so he was just a yellow triangle with legs, he looked like a little duckling!

Jason: *launching himself at Dick* SHUT UP!!!!

Dick: *prying Jason's hands away from his face* HE-

Jason: IGNORE HIM! He's a liar.

Donna: Jason you worked with us as Robin to fight Brother Blood. We know how you were and you were adorable.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

actually do you think when Damian gets in trouble at school and is called into the principal’s office he has to call for a family member to show up but Tim is the only one available and so he comes down to the school and walks into the office talking about how this needs to be quick because he has about three meetings he’s running late for-

the principal just kinda squints for a second and is like ‘aren’t you also one of my students?’

and Tim starts sweating. ‘what? no, i dropped out like six months ago’

‘i don’t remember you dropping out.’

‘well i less dropped out and more stopped showing up because i had to work-‘

‘that is no excuse, Timothy Jackson Drake.’

three hours later Bruce finally finishes whatever mission he was dealing with and has to go down to the school because now the principal wont let Tim leave without a guardian either. Bruce walks in with Tim’s emancipation papers to prove that he is indeed no longer a student and sees his two youngest sat in the corner, Damian shaking his head at Tim in pure disappointment while Tim hangs his head in humiliated shame and the principal talks about the consequences of missing six months worth of classes.

Damian tells the story over dinner and Dick and Jason both laugh so hard they start choking on their food

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

i do love the idea of the Justice League finding out Batman’s identity and the fact that he’s actually just a tired vigilante dad and immediately discrediting his spooky-scary-intimidating reputation, and Bruce just being devastated about it. he worked so hard on that reputation, on that respect, and it’s all down the drain just like that. nobody flinches away from his glare anymore, because they’ve seen him glare at Red Hood and get a spoonful of mashed potato flung into his face for the effort. nobody cares about his threats anymore, because he tried to threaten Red Robin to go home and rest one time and Tim just giggled at him deliriously before mocking his tone and stealing his coffee. they’ve seen him pick a splinter out of a whining Nightwing’s finger mid-meeting. Damian once called him a condomless harlot to his face when he told him not to bring his swords onto the watchtower. he’s lost control.

he decides he wants the fear factor back and in all his brilliant genius, he decides the best way to go about that is to invite the league round for a fancy dinner party, specifically so he can use all his ‘brucie wayne’ acting skills to channel the essence of every creepy-rich-guy-in-haunted-manor movie he has ever seen in his life. it is the only time his kids have been fully onboard and willing to contribute to one of his plans without any complaints. they almost seemed more eager to pull it off than he was.

they spend the entire day making the manor look old and slightly abandoned, much to Alfred’s displeasure, and ensure that the only lighting is a fuck ton of candles, just enough to light the halls while leaving the corners and edges shadowy and ominous. Damian is allowed to have some of his more ‘skittery’ pets roam the manor freely for the night, causing occasional scritches and scratches to come from the ceilings. all of the kids dress in their best funeral attire, apart from Jason who gleefully pulls on an old white shirt stained with blood from when Tim crashed through his window with a stab wound, requesting a medkit.

when the league arrive they’re greeted by all the kids lined up on the staircase, staring at them blankly and ominously, while Bruce gives them all a large grin and ushers them into the creepy looking dining room. the league are somewhat nervous.

during the dinner the kids act completely different than the league have seen them in-mask. polite, cordial, and refusing to show an ounce of emotion. they pick at their food and only speak in vague sentences that refer to various horrific events of their past. Bruce has never been prouder.

the first close call they have to breaking character is when Bruce presents a bottle of red wine without any kind of label. as he pours a slightly disturbed Diana a glass, she asks where he got it from. Bruce happily gestures to Jason as says ‘my second eldest procured it especially for you, earlier today.’

Diana looks across the table at where Jason is grinning eerily at her by candlelight, still visibly stained with blood, eyes glowing slightly green. she pales, and Tim knows he can’t watch her shakily lift the glass to her lips without bursting out laughing. he refuses to be the one who fucks up first, so he dramatically stands up and declares he must ‘go feed the experiments’ before storming out the room. ‘the experiments’ are in reference to the pen of rabbits outside that glow in the dark because Damian rescued them from a testing facility, but given the environmental context it sounds much more sinister.

Jason joins him by the pen to also start wheeze-crying in private about 20 minutes later, because apparently after Oliver Queen had finished with his bbq rib, Damian had leaned over and without blinking stared into his eyes to blankly state ‘i would love to feed your bones to my animal friends, if you don’t need them anymore.’ and from the other end of the table Jason had snorted wine up his nose from how hard he was trying not to break.

amazingly, they never break character, although it came pretty close when after hearing another skitter from somewhere above, Stephanie climbed up from the table into the crystal chandelier and deftly returned to present the table with a large tarantula cradled in her hands, to which Damian stood up and declared, ‘ah, dessert! i will help pennyworth prepare it.’ before taking the animal and leaving to put his beloved spider back in it’s enclosure. the league genuinely seemed to be under the impression they were about to be served a tarantula-based desert, and upon seeing their faces at this realisation Dick had to pretend he’d dropped a fork on the ground so he could duck by Bruce’s chair and stuff a napkin in his mouth while he got his laughter under control. Bruce pats his shaking son’s back below the table cloth, determinedly staring at their guests with that same creepy-grin he’d kept up the entire night.

every member of the league makes their excuses to leave early, much to Bruce’s exaggerated disappointment. the second the last of them is out the door Alfred turns to face the family and says ‘mission accomplished. now get this manor back to it’s proper state.’ and they have the spend the rest of the night cleaning.

totally worth it, in Bruce’s mind. none of the JL will look him in the eye for weeks afterwards, and it was honestly the most successful attempt at family bonding they’d ever had. he wonders if they should make it a monthly thing. It’s also how they find out Damian’s a fucking theatre kid with a gift for the arts which is another revelation in of itself

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

Dick, to the Titans: OK this is my little brother, everyone has to be so nice to him!

Jason, 6'4, built like a double fridge and holding a gun: Hey.

The Titans:

Years later.

Dick, to the Titans again: OK this is my even littler brother, everyone be super super nice to him!

Duke, 6'2, built like a linebacker and lit up like a glo stick: Yo.

The Titans:

Years after that.

Dick, again, to the Titans: OK this is my littlest baby brother, everyone has to be so sweet to him! He's a baby!

Damian, 18 and 6'0, made of pure muscle and holding a sword: Greetings.

The Titans: ...where are you finding these brothers.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

I just need A Wayne Family Podcast where all they do is listen and judge.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

Undead and Ghost Jason

Part two | Part one

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

if the batkids were served the Sokovia Accords, they simply would not.

you hand a copy of the accords to Nightwing. he goes on to exhibit their uselessness by carefully evading the police in humorous yet completely safe rooftop chases (of course he gives them a head start) that prove the necessity of vigilantes.

you hand the accords to Red Hood. he laughs in your face and mails them to the nearest senator, in shreds. for a nice touch, he chops of the limbs of every single meta trafficker he can locate in the course of a week and mails those to a different senator.

Tim Drake finds a copy of the accords online and manages to pick apart a hundred illegalities and human rights violations within the text, labels them in a concise report, and hence makes it impossible to pass in congress for at least the next century. Congress tries. it’s struck down by every court in the country. they use Tim’s report as evidence

You manage to track down Black Bat and give her a copy of the accords. She frowns. She pulls out a sharpie and writes “NO” across the front page. She hands them back. For some reason, they never get passed.

Damian Wayne wouldn’t even bother as Robin. He’d simply get on live television and air out every instance of love affairs, illegal dealings, and corruption scandals in Congress. the outcry for reform is so overwhelming the accords are lost in the mess.

You hand the accords to Spoiler and she starts laughing. Less than a day later, all of capital hill is drenched in purple paint. And the original copy of the accords is missing.

Signal would be like “nuh uh” and just.. not.

Although, the existence of the Accords in gotham implies that the batkids fucked up that bad, which they simply wouldn’t.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

In a made up world that I created where the Batfamily fights the Avengers;

I'm not saying Cassandra Cain- Black Bat, the Apple of Bruce Wayne's eye- could take Natasha Romanoff...

What I am saying is; my money is on Cass.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

So, when the Batkids get hurt, like, seriously hurt, they logically know that they best place they could go is the batcave. Fully stocked infirmary, the most updated medical technology possible, and Alfred to give them tea and sew up all of the wounds that they can't quite reach.

However, if any of them are even mildly beefing with Bruce, which they almost always are, they'll be damned if they're gonna face The Disappointed Bat Glare (tm) while also bleeding out, much less the speech that will inevitably follow.

This leads to either

A. The batkids sneaking into each others apartments and safehouses to get help, aka

Tim: -humming to himself as he flicks on the lights of the common room at Titans Tower-

Dick: -slumped on the couch dripping blood from two stab wounds- Hey, Timmy. Could you get your med kit?

Tim: -brief high pitched scream- FUCK!!! -long silence- Yeah, sure.

Dick: Great. Also, Bart heard me calling for you in the dark, and he thought I was a ghost of some sort. I think he ran to Mexico to get away, so you might want to track him down.

B. The batkids attempting to sneak into the batcave and patch themselves up without Bruce realizing they were ever there, aka

Jason: -sneaking through the medical bay in the dark, trying to silently open drawers when the lights suddenly come on-

Alfred: -standing by the light switch- Master Jason, may I inquire as to what you're doing here?

Jason: -actively gushing blood from his side- ....Nothing.

Alfred: Do you require stitches?

Jason: ....No.

Alfred: -actively pulling out the supplies to stitch up his wound- If you say so, Master Jason.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

Jason and Dick falling back into being brothers after Jason gets resurrected except both of them keep forgetting that although Dick is still older, Jason is now very much not a small little Robin anymore.

Dick, pointing to an ugly old guy on TV: that’s you

Jason, gesturing to a pug: that’s you

Dick: *flicks the side of Jason’s head*

Jason: do that again and i’ll smash your face in

Dick: bring it on, little wing!

Jason: *jokily shoves Dick off the couch*

Dick: *flies two feet and smashes through a glass table*

Tim and Damian watch Dick try and sneak up on Jason from behind to shove him in the pool but Jason doesn’t even budge, and they see Dick’s eyes widen in regret before he gets judo-flipped into the water. Jason tries to jump in after but forgets how big he is and manages to both land directly on Dick’s flailing body and cause a wave big enough to drench Alfred standing at the other edge. Damian turns dead eyes onto Tim,

Damian: promise me we’ll never be that immature.

Tim: we can learn from their stupidity

Alfred, dripping onto the tiles, Jason and Dick struggling in the background: please see that you do.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

I may be wrong on this but;

Jason Todd seems to be the type of guy that goes to thrift stores to shop for his family. And the one time he takes his family with him to the thrift store- he regrets it instantly.

Because Dick throws the most obnoxious items at him with glee.

Tim is collecting the most retro gear ever.

He can't get Cass to stop trying on wigs.

Damian is sticking is nose up... until he sees a giant stuffed animal.

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

[On the Watchtower]

Clark: So how have things been with you and the boys?

Bruce: The other day, I spent an hour telling Dick and Jason to stop hitting each other on the couch when we were trying to watch a movie, but they wouldn't listen

Bruce: When I put my head in my hands in exasperation, Jason put his hand on my shoulder and said "it's okay Bruce. Being a dad is hard." Then he turned around and body slammed Dick. It only escalated from there

Clark: ...

Bruce: Do you want to see the pictures?

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

Dick is kind of a big brother who knows what effect he has on his siblings's friends, and he never misses an opportunity to make himself look even cooler in their eyes. But Jason? Oh, Jason has no idea that people even consider him pretty and interesting.

It pisses his siblings even more.

Jason, on his bike, with the most insane face card: Hey, Replacement, hop on. We have work to do.

Kon, twirling his hair: Is your brother, like... free?

Bernard: Yeah, on Friday

Tim, with his eye twitching: I will kill you.

Jason, absolutely unaware of what is going on: ??? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO

***

Jon, waving enthusiastically at Jason, who passes by kitchen: Jason is so cool!

Damian: ...

Jon: And kind!

Damian: Calling Todd kind is definitely a choice.

Jon: But he read me a bedtime story the last time I was staying here 😕

Damian, frowning: ...

(Damian, later that day: Why did you read bedtime story to Jon and not me.)

***

Jason: Why Tim's and Damian's friends keep fucking glaring at me? Or stumble when I am around? What tf am I doing wrong?

Dick, trying to hide his laughter: Eh, no idea

Bruce, absentmindedly: I, actually, have the same problem when I am around other people

Alfred, amused: No DNA test required, that's for sure

[geeky-nightphilosopher]

🦇Batfamily & Friends (sometimes) 🦇

Jason: *claps hands together* All right, let's burn this place to the ground.

Duke: Yes! Team effort!