chaosthoughtsinmymind

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Being ok with boring days

For many years I have been in a process of constant change, trying to get better from mental illness. And I have gotten a lot better, but I am also still changing and still trying to get even better. which is a good thing, life is change and constantly learning more about yourself. 

But I have noticed that after many years of constant pushing forward, I find it very hard to just be in the now. 

I’m always looking ahead and practising things to improve. And I don’t feel good if I’m not being challenged or if I’m not in new situations that can mature me.

So in my everyday life; up early, to school, home, homework/free time, to bed... I feel restless and depressed, because I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. 

But after finally having made a plan for my future education, I have realized that even then, when I’m somewhere new and challenging doing things I love, there is still going to be boring days like now. And I will not be satisfied again. 

So, I need to start learning how to just be. Content in what I’m doing in the present, even when it’s boring everyday stuff.

Maybe find small things to look forward to in my day... (eating dessert, seeing friends in school, having a favorite class, smelling the morning air on my way, and if nothing else works then being excited about where every boring day will take me on the long run)

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Doing nothing days

Yesterday was a good day, but also a day which required a lot of energy from me. Most of my energy went to pulling myself up and just doing a lot of the things I had to do. And even though most of the things made me feel happy and good about myself, it was still extremely energy draining to making myself do every small thing.  

Today is not a good day. I am tired and don’t feel like doing anything at all, which then makes me feel worse. But because of the extra energy I used yesterday, I don’t have the energy to pull myself up today. So today I am just sitting in front of my computer, doing nothing, eating shitty things, feeling disgusting. 

And I have noticed that when I have done stressful things or had a day like yesterday (which wasn’t really stressful, just required extra energy), I need at least one day to recharge. Or if i had a couple of “normal” school days where I didn’t have the energy but had to force myself to school, I need multiple days to recharge (a weekendt is not enough! because I also need some actual free time where I can do stuff I want to do). 

And it’s fine to have days where I do nothing. But when it is almost every other day, it gets exhausting! And super depressing.... Because I don’t feel good when I have days where I am so tired that I can’t even bother to take care of myself, that is too much!

I don’t know what to do about it. Other than to wait til I am less depressed and things aren’t so hard, though that could take a long time. 

In the meantime I will just try (as always) to be more aware of my limits, and not to hard on myself when I reach it too fast.

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Where is my mind?

I have noticed that I feel sad when I don’t have something to do...

It makes me feel stressed, empty and restless. I’m constantly searching for something to do, something to be useful at  or something to better myself at. My attention span is shot and I can’t focus on anything, it feels like I don’t control my mind anymore.

And now when I’ve reached the point where I feel depressed when I’m not busy, tell me that it’s time to do some changes!

💜 Take time out of my day to do nothing, daydream and use my senses

💜 Practice meditation to gain control and clarity of my mind

💜 Do something with my body instead of my head, like stretching, to get out of my head

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

All the things I want to be

Once again I have been thinking about what to do with my life, especially (and sadly) about what I want to work with and which education I need to take to get there

But once again I find no answer no matter how hard I search

Because what I really want in my life it’s to be free, happy and be able to pursue my interests!

• I want to have a self sufficient garden

• I want to sew and knit

• I want to draw and paint

• I want to make stories

• I want to have animals

• I want to learn languages

• I want to play music instruments

• I want to do taekwondo

• I want to travel

• I want to keep learning, being creative and keep getting interested in new things I can do and learn!

So I try to match a future job and education to my interests, but everything is too small, there are no jobs and educations that includes all of the things I want to do

And I can’t choose one thing to work with, because I have no passion for any of my interests! I just have a lot of different things I like to pick between. There is nothing I would be able to completely immerse and commit myself to enough to be the thing I do with my life

How can I build a life where I can be all the things I want to be?

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Not thinking too much, just being

I had a really good day today!

Not because something special happened. It was just really good.

When I woke up, I had a thought that circled in my head “just let me be myself”.

I found myself thinking back at it “but what about all the things about me that doesn’t fit, that contradicts with what I have in mind or others have in mind”

Sometimes I try to feel safe in myself by making list of what I am, my identity, what I’m good at, what movie character I’m most like...

And then when I’m not quite like that, and I contradict something in myself, I don’t feel real.

“But that doesn’t matter because I am all those things” I am so much and I don’t have to be the same person every hour of the day, I am fluid.

And by those half asleep thoughts, that I didn’t really have enough energy to overthink, they actually worked!

Without pulling myself too deep inside my shell, and without thinking too much and getting chaught in my own head, I was much more relaxed in class and I talked with my class mates for almost 30 minutes!

And shure, it was still not easy and all that, but it wasn’t as hard as usually

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Learning to live in the real world

I tend to isolate myself. I am an introvert and I do need time for myself, but I am starting to feel restless and I am too much alone in my own head. 

But it is so hard for me to be around people and it drains my energy, which then makes it even harder for me to be around people. It is because of my introversion, but also because I am so insecure and fearful around other people. Because of bad experiences (bullying, trauma and anxiety for conflicts). And I have built walls up to protect myself, because I take everything right in through my heart.

Resulting in me being hyper aware of everyone around me from the way they speak to every little detail of the movement of their face muscles so that I almost read people's minds, but also being extremely self conscious of even just the way I breath! 

I get exhausted and tense, while also having a really bad experience of being social, even if everyone are super nice, because I can’t relax and express myself. 

So in order to be able to be social, bond with friends and maybe someday also fall in love, I need to learn to:

Be myself, not care what other people think of me

Learn to be okay with conflict

Learn how to cope with my sensitive heart, so that I don’t let people destroy it but that I am also able to open up and trust people

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

How to be good with children (people)

I think the reason that I don’t know how to handle children, is because I’m insecure in myself and that I care so much about what other people think of me. For almost my whole life, I have based my behavior in social interactions on how the other person perceive me and what the other person want me to react.

But children are unpredictable and they don’t follow any social rules that is unspokenly agreed on. And if they do, they look at me for guidance. Something I find it very hard to give them, when I don’t know how to just be myself and have my own opinions in social interactions.

The other thing is that the unpredictability also makes me nervous, because I also feel like I need to not only have the right reaction towards the child but I also have to consider what reaction the parents or other adults want me to have.

So to be good with children, is to simply be good with people (and myself). A thing I unfortunately find really hard.

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Why do I doubt everything I think or feel?

Whenever there are feelings or thoughts and opinions about something that I have to discuss or share with people (and not just something that stays between me and myself), I start to question wether or not I’m actually right.

Like if I’m living in a delusional fantasy world or if I just think or feel like that because I secretly and unconsciously want it to be that way. I wil suddenly start to fear and questions my own feelings and sense of judgement.

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

The power of a wish

“when you wish to do something (change something, be better at something, recover from something...), you have already taken the first step on the way by simply wanting to (no matter how hard it seems)”

- A thing my dad once told me, that have helped me through so much

I have recently looked back on my life, and realised how true this is. Long ago when I struggled to find my will to live, my dad told me this. Because I wanted to want to live, I wanted to feel better. But it has been a slow and hard journey towards recovery. And sometimes it feels like I’ve hit a wall and I worry that I’ll never get better, but now when I look back I can see that even at the times that I feel stuck, just my wish of getting better made me uncounioucly continue with the progress even if I didn’t know it. 

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

How to save the world and live my own life?

I want to be creative. Drawing, painting, writing stories and poetry, sewing, and just creating. That is what I want to do in my life, that is what I want my job to be. 

But I also want to make the world a better place. I don’t mean some kind of superhero act, I just want to do a difference and fight for what is right. But it paralyze me because I don't know what to do, I feel so small. And I then look towards my creative dreams, and try to make them into my way of fighting. 

But when everything I create is about setting examples, giving representations, and other small “world saving acts”, it becomes less of creativity and more of how I can sell it to people. Which then bloks my creativity completely and takes the joy out of the process!

But most of the time, I find it hard to just make something crappy for my myself. Because it feels stupid and careless when I am living in a crumbling world because of climate changes and xenophobia. 

[chaosthoughtsinmymind]

Stop and smell the roses

It’s my birthday today! And I think that because I’m extra aware of what day it is, it makes me extra aware of everything around me today. The air I’m breathing, the colors around me, the sunlight on my skin, and so on... 

 It’s nice, I would like to feel like this every day. Even if I have a bad day, it makes me feel more at home in my body and it makes me pay attention to how beautiful the world is.

It reminds me of something I read about living like you’re in a Ghibli movie