casualpoetry

[casualpoetry]

In Between

In between

The gaps on the ceiling

Small bugs are chirping

And calling my name

They’re saying

I should go to you

But my mama said

Not again

Don’t you go running

Back to this man

Who broke your heart ten times

What don’t you understand?

But my mind

Hasn’t reset

Like a broken record it

Replays the times when

You made me happy

And your flaws cease to exist

So in between

Early evenings of

Pretending to be happy

And the tossin’ & turnin’ of

This midnight melody

I still miss you, too much—

more than I should say.

[casualpoetry]

Pain Makes Art

I left him today

It hurt too much that

He was always away

It took all the strength I didn’t have

To walk out of the door

And I wanted to look back 

A thousand times or more

So that I’d never forget his face

It reminded me of how

When we were alone I felt safe

But now I’m alone

There’s nothing but 

The background noise

I haven’t turned it off because

It’s too loud but not enough

For me to stop feeling

That I need company

Because my room is too empty

It’s taking so much more than

What I have

To not run back

And beg

To say I’m sorry

That things didn’t work out in the end

That I had been so lost

And I wish for once more

He would hold my hand

That’s where my heart could land

But I left crying

To call all my friends 

They told me that

It gets better with time

This is just the lowest point

I couldn’t let go

So I left a piece of me

By his apartment door

Hoping we were not a mistake

But where my hands reach

They can no longer touch his face

I’m dreaming dreams tonight

Hoping we’ll both be ok

And that one day

It won’t hurt when I think of him

Only a bittersweet

And I won’t hate how it tastes

We’ll both find someone to take

And talk about that one time

How we loved each other

It was so beautiful

And never for a waste

I hope he answers

When I call

And say 

hi, let’s go for a drink,

for old time’s sake.

Tell me how you’ve been

Tell me life’s treating you great

And when we part ways—

not for the last time—

I’ll give you a big hug instead of a handshake

[casualpoetry]

In a Month

It has come and gone in a month

And neither of us knows 

When things had gone so wrong 

Forgive me that I can only 

Write a poem about this 

Because I can’t fit all the feelings 

In a long message that makes you run

So I called all my friends 

And they said honey he’s gone 

Write your feelings down 

Maybe turn them into a song

And it’s not you nor him

Breakups are just not fun

It’s hard to let go when

A piece of you is there

Inside them

You almost want to report it stolen

But that won’t make it easier 

When you choke on your tears and your heart is broken

How would I have known that

To meet him is to

Fall in love 

And fall in hell

That a month later I would feel

Too alone

It’s cruel that

In times like these

Life still goes on

People still breathe and talk but

Right now

Every second is stretched too long

Yet somehow 

In this heart my blood still pumps

I’m not forcing myself to be strong 

But just to remember that

It wasn’t for a waste

It was for 

All of my pieces,

and what I have become;

For them to all belong.

[casualpoetry]

My dear

Maybe this isn’t the way

To open up 

And hope for someone listening

For the sake of being special to them

I’m searching for a life

But I know

My sadness can be a bore

It’s in your eyes, giving away all the lies

By the time I start walking away

I can’t even stand straight

It’s my own fault

I’m broken down again, not a special case

Why do I still cry at cheesy movie lines?

I just need some time

To construct the perfect lover

So I can tell everyone he is mine

I need to feel special

It’s in my nature

We all want to be loved

Unconditionally, and not judged

It’s better with a high

Or to be drunken off your face

We have so many issues

They would make a good psychology textbook

I want to be awkward and edgy

Stupid and funny

And I want to love myself, to remember

Without your daily reminder 

I want to pick my head up 

And tell myself this:

I’m not pathetic

But I can be overly sensitive 

Maybe life isn’t all bad

And one day I won’t drink so much

Only then could I feel

Anything but this numbness 

I will tell my children that

At the end of the day

Nothing is inherently wrong

But life can be a cunt

I know I haven’t been the best

Sorry if this poem makes you feel down

But only I appreciate life

Before dawn

At 3am

When you hold my hand

And tell me we can start a garage band

As I slowly get drunk from the night air, its thick oxygen, you touch my hair. And in the distance we can hear sirens, racing for a life not so rare, I might tell you: “it’s not so bad to have you here”; and when the city lights blur in my vision: “we really do make a handsome pair”…

[casualpoetry]

My Confession

It’s Wednesday afternoon, it’s not rainy, and I’m not feeling poetic.

But I’ll still write, vent, press some buttons and watch words appear on the screen.

Someone better appreciate it.

I called you yesterday afternoon, and you didn't pick up, no surprising me.

What do you mean you were busy? Don’t say that, it reminds me of him.

And don’t accuse me of anything, I know I’m overreacting, get out of my head, don’t analyse me.

Go ahead and buy us a cup of tea, then sit, I like the comfort of holding someone’s hand when they are talking to me.

There’s a long night ahead of me, I’ll sip my tea slowly, secretly wishing for coffee, I want to be one of those people having their nerves tick, inside a cafe away from the rain in a movie.

When you’re gone, I’ll still be me, writing on a computer screen, so I can quickly capture everything.

Things like, happiness, simplicity. And then the pain and suffering, everyone who knows me knows I appreciate their beauty.

The mass of them, condensed into a solid thing, because life is too heavy, and time is too thick.

Time? I know all about it, invented concept, technically imaginary.

You presence is just fine, I can tolerate it; I might even enjoy it, a nod or two to your self-proclaimed purity.

Enough of me being pretentious, real life is calling me. Either way, your absence should not bother me.

[casualpoetry]

Young attractive insecure

Young, attractive and insecure

Maybe the guys would like to hook up more

I’m the prey, falling to bait

Asking to take me out, naked they lay

I can’t complain

Because by 38

My body will have slagged

Not young anymore, still insecure

How many good years do I have?

Before they won’t even look back

In the pubs I pray

Be nice to me when I drink

Getting tipsy just helps me play

According to irrelevant standards

I am a slut at this rate

I gave myself up

I can’t feel their love

They only want to dance

And kiss me in night clubs

I am told to thank my luck

And don’t be uptight

To say I don’t want it

Would just be a lie

These guys should have the right

To brag how they had me for one night

[casualpoetry]

This time around

I’m not very good at writing when I’m happy

There aren’t many words when life is sappy 

But I feel okay today, there are no debts left to pay

And let me tell you, there are a hundred different things I could be do right now 

But I just wanna talk to you, because you never say I’m being too loud

And I don’t mind being here, I know I’m safe now

So when the gun goes pow

Don’t burn the house down

This time around, no one will tear my heart out

[casualpoetry]

The Big Questions

I don’t know why I’m so stubborn

You can’t win against a system

That guy on the plane who quoted Churchill

He’s a realist, I like to imagine

I hoped we could win

Freedom of choice, where our minds wanted to be

I couldn't make it work

Repeatedly trying, still the old outlook

I guess I feel guilty for my alternatives

And ashamed of my country's existence

I need reminders, my family and friends

To tell me we are stronger than our problems

I can’t squeeze in anymore solutions

Just the odd bit here and there

I can’t fathom

When my brain thinks I will be forgotten

The guy who taught me in school

Said nothing was really important

Isn’t it all just about perspectives?

He would address with his defining accent

We can’t just let it fall

They shall never be winning

Forge a meaning, because you are still here

If you aren't dead yet, the only option is living

[casualpoetry]

Dream

I don’t belong there, you know that to be true I’m not fighting the good fight, I’m just trying to survive They’ll look at me, that’s not why I’m scared I’m standing in quicksand, I can’t breathe It doesn’t matter how much good I have in my heart, I’m weak And as much as we hope, they won’t let the dreamers win

[casualpoetry]

Proud

Do you still believe in yourself?

Even when you fell from the clouds?

Down there, you know how to stand out in crowds

Whatever you want, no one will doubt

You don’t need to see them again

Soaked wet in the pouring rain

They could never read your pain

It was simple and plain

Do you feel just right?

I know you will shine so bright

Tell them, tell them to get a life

When your mind is set you won’t think twice

You can be, all there is to be

She’ll be proud

You’ll outdo yourself

He won't complain

There will be no shame

You will never let them tell you

What is and what is not

[casualpoetry]

Your lover’s lover forgot to tell her goodbye

Prologue

You always make me cry Darling Stop talking and hold me When I turn around just sing me to sleep I remember you saying: I can’t see your shadow anymore; My love, where did it go? You said I had to be strong It is best if I let go I thought long and hard Are we right for each other? Don't ask me I’ll just panic The world can be vicious sometimes The answers, how am I supposed to know?

Part I

On that particular Wednesday I sat in front of the ocean Watching the moon orbit the sky Reflecting some sunlight I tried to find a dolphin But I looked closer and it was just a lake I know that little bugs come out at night time Padding their feet along, they try Some dogs occasionally walk by They assume this world a friendly place When I looked up I panicked The moon was nowhere to be found I desperately searched for it but only to find that The sea level is rising And everything is dying I jumped up in an attempt Hurried my pace and I couldn't pretend I wanted to go home my friend The spot where my shadow used to sit Is gone, and I had nowhere to lean I sighed and dragged myself along I followed the vine, dead and shattering in the wind I called you two or three times Wanting to say how much I loved you It went straight to your voicemail because I didn't deserve the attention

Part II

You should come home We agreed yesterday that we do need one another If you like, I can be a delight And this love of ours, should be measured with a coffee spoon But don’t tell me white lies I saw you three times when I walked by She’s got this magic that I I don’t really have I’m scared What am I here for? You thought your whole life was a metaphor I know I scream at you a lot Three days in a roll, I can recall But let me justify it So many times you’ve tried to run away with your lover

Part III

And on that Wednesday night It was dim but you could see the sliver light And the subtle reflection in your eyes I couldn't help myself I screamed my lungs out I told you to go fuck yourself Then the clock struck midnight And I was still there I don’t know if you were trying to strangle me I just wanted to check if you were still on board You forgot the things that we fight for And you left me on the floor There’s no heaven or an old man above I judge you, as much as you should your own character Live this life like there’s no other And don’t give up on us I know you're not an unfaithful lover

Part IV

I want you to sleep tight I have your best interests at heart And what benefits do I bare Just that in the morning I will be right here Now I can’t remember Do you like your coffee black or with a spoon of sugar? Your favourite song is coming on You can hit replay after I tell you this story Remember that man who killed his wife? He brought his axe here, bloody and stained He came after me Pointed a gun at me And all I could say was: I killed someone in my dreams; I could fly above the skies; Don't provoke me. And you know what’s funny? When I was flying up there I saw you Leaving her behind Are you sick of your lover? Are you coming back to me? You trick me with your manipulative style You think I’m a fool for you But love only gets you so far I’ve warned you twice now, don’t you remember? You carry that dagger What good can it do you for And don’t you Pull your hair out in front of me Trying to earn my sympathy I don’t want to see blood You’re not worth bleeding for

Part V

You’ve stared at me for a long time now I won’t stop, dancing to this music, I want you to hurt As much as both of my feet hurt There’s a lot of blood on your shirt You bleed like that lamb who was murdered Maybe I’ll consider sacrificing my youth So your face will be less violent I’ll sacrifice my time Some of my hair, much of this imaginary soul And the beauty that you insist I have Just so I can be with you Even when you’re out with your lover I know this is not forever Because when I was out I saw her Holding someone else’s hands It wasn’t bland They stood under the moonlight They held their hands till the sunrise I can only protect you Until the police bust through my door

Part VI

I think I’ll leave it here I’ve done enough, everything possible The time has come for you to go I’ll burnt something in a sacrifice So your love could be revived It was some kind of satanic ritual I don’t believe in God’s words I demand you nothing but To drop down in front of me Kneel before my feet Catch the cold flames in my eyes Because even though you didn't ask I have tortured myself for you I don’t remember much love But this twisted tongued and severed heart I painted my nails to the clock ticking Waiting for you to come back and beg and apologise But in the end it was me who Scream and said Come back, and I Cried, my voice was torn and with a horse throat I said She’s gone I told you about your lover She’s gone with her other lover I will beg until you come back to me I burnt something alive There's a dagger in my heart Her maid threw away my toys Now there’s nothing left So pardon me for a minute, my love Allow me to lean against a wall I know people stare when I walk down the street They want to put me away because I’m psychotic Yes I am but I love it We don’t need sanity to survive I’m counting down One last time Come back Or be burnt alive

Epilogue

I’m sick to my bones I warned you Lover boy And you’ve played me like a toy You won’t be able to live through my goodbye

[casualpoetry]

Seventeen

So you sit there and you think

This is it

Isn’t this the end? What life is all about

You forgot all the little things that kept you sane

And no one could put a smile on your face

There’s nothing more profound than this

Sitting down in front of the TV screen

You watch that show you always loved

I’ll ruffle your hair as you rest

My mouth tastes salty now because I cried

And you make me feel

Like I’m drunk dancing on the moon

You can’t forget what it’s like to be seventeen

Mascara smeared by tears

Singing to the speaker phone

You can’t legally drink

There’s no marijuana for you to get high

But you tilt your head back and everything is so fast paced

In my sleep I scream you’re insane

Some kind of obscene reference to a TV show we both loved

I laughed too hard

Wouldn't mind some cocaine

Why are you running

Lay down, everything is turning

What did you think the hardest part was?

I knew tonight would be like this before it had begun

You lick your lips with your dried tongue

Let’s get high

We can have some fun

Don’t need ecstasy when you're around

[casualpoetry]

Shake

Countless times I’ve cried The sky was grey cause you forgot to paint it black Random words I spill on the page Frantic gestures my body makes Inspired ideas you have Vanished before I set foot through your front door

Don’t cry again Not in front of your cat Don’t yell again Not when I am afraid Don't tread again Not on my prideful heart

Evil queen she is Taking my life away Headstrong woman you are Can’t steal your kisses away What a pretty face I had Before I cut it three times with that razor blade

Don’t speak for me again Don’t peak before the dark Don’t touch the cover of my favourite book Your love was magical You shoved it in my face Life was so passionate before you died

Don’t tell me what to do Have some faith I don’t want to be chased away The blood that spills can’t be pretty When I stepped on that glass I could see you shake

You know there’s something beautiful about it Don’t you You know there’s something wonderful about me Don’t you You know this life is worth living for Don’t you

And even though I knew we were worth fighting for I couldn't stay any longer There was blood on your face My hands were red You stepped outside before the dark The sky was not black anymore

[casualpoetry]

Shade

In between

Panic attacks and breakdowns

I could get some work done

I couldn't remember tomorrow's sun

Is it scheduled to come out?

How do you know everything is ok?

I left no space for anxiety

So I asked myself

Why do you do this to me

Who are we fighting for?

What difference are we making

Just through putting myself in more pain

And as I laid

My body would shake

I curled up in a ball because my legs wouldn't calm

There were twitches on my face

I clenched my teeth till they ached

My fingers wouldn't let go of my hair

Please don't give me so much blame

I haven't sat in peace for one day

Have a cup of tea with me

Let me tell you that

At this bay we are all safe

And it sounds so cliche but

Everyone has made mistakes but

The pain eventually goes away when

The scars start to fade and

You'll be wide awake

I see the clouds today but look again

See the dancing snowflakes

[casualpoetry]

Potato Beans

In the morning I shivered There were chills from my tailbone Like many other times the sky was dim It was early in the morning before my day would begin I reached for you and you touched my face The light ignited and I felt I could chase the wind

But today was grim I was awoken by fear and hatred Towards myself and everyone else My tired soul didn't sleep well So I looked at the empty wall And the faded paint cried for help

Before I left Your smile faded a hint The tears wouldn't leave my face It breaks my heart each time To say goodbye When I turned away my heart ached

My eyes are tired My chest is screaming its pain But I’d never forget To kiss you goodbye A thousand times Just one more second please

I strain my voice to sing I try so hard to write Am I good enough? I can’t keep it up Too many breakdowns in a day Yelling words at you

Am I all right? You make me so happy I cried Are you all right? I don’t ever want to leave this town Are we all right? My heart sings when I see your wild eyes

[casualpoetry]

Fools Can Dream

At the end of the day I’m just putting words on these papers But I’ve only told you nine times today I love you with a heartache Let’s run and never look back at life’s fears I’m no longer afraid to cry my tears

We are torn by our emotions Pulled apart at the seam Bleeding blue, a heart of gold I’m shaking because I forgot how to love this year I calmed myself a little and now you are on my mind again

As if anything really lasts We can only hope, stupid in love Some fools like that dare to dream Don’t give up on this yet We are young, we live to be bold

You get used to this life You dance with my demons I love when you are no longer scared The ghosts don’t go away I smile at them before I put on my layers

Don’t silence The monsters under my bed They want to hold your hands I haven’t talked to them in a long time For once, they were my only friends

Isn’t love so lame, you put your liquor in flames From time to time, I can be insane I know my temper brings you shame We’re too loud, the angels are awake Look away, you know love is two faced

[casualpoetry]

Sad little poem

Just before I drifted off to sleep A glimpse of hope ignited in my heart It’s cruel of me to not feel anything It’s better to be sad than nothing

I forget the reminder of love I forget there is peace and happiness They are so far away and unreal As if I have a soul made of steel

As I yearn for understanding I push them away It’s not my fault completely People have failed to love me

This is a sad poem You should look away In case your inner demons awake I don’t want to scare you away

This is an angry little poet I’ve seen too much for my age Sometimes things don’t work Sometimes life is fucked up

I hope you’re ok This is a messed up thing called life But sometimes I cry because I guess it can be beautiful too