baroness-of-suburbia

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Tomorrow I may work as a copywriter on an advertising brand. I am nervous. I’m also feeling hopeless. My hope to become a mom the second time around is elusive. I understand; it’s OK. I just knew how much it would hurt if that dream never came to fruition. I’m happy to have my son. Better one than none. And maybe he needs special attention. But I do wish I could give him a sibling.

Not my will but God’s.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Getting back into exercising. I stopped for 2 or 3 weeks and now I’m sore as all get out and have to do modifiers of EVERYTHING! OMG. I can’t let it get this bad again. 

[baroness-of-suburbia]

I am so focused on wanting another kid that I’m neglecting the one I already have. I should just stop trying. It all hurts too much. He has behavioral issues now and it just saddens and depresses me. He can make me laugh and brighten my day. How can I work with him so that he moves toward a good path again?

Quite frankly, I’m scared that he’ll do drugs and alcohol because being “bad feels good.” Now I’m paranoid. Scared. Anxious.

I feel lonely and alone. No second kid. An empty womb. Poor behavior from my first and only.

I know I’m not supposed to throw myself pity parties oh woe is me but I’m really feeling hurt something fierce right now.

GOD, I’M FEELING HURT SOMETHING FIERCE RIGHT NOW.

The bleeding ends eventually. Just don’t know when the pain will.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Chronicles of 2018 Sucktitude

- miscarriage

- J hating his new job

- G’s behavioral problems

- not being able to have a second kid

- can’t be fucking anonymous on Instagram

[baroness-of-suburbia]

My current cycle is not responding to my IVF meds. Now I’m faced with abandoning this cycle and trying again next cycle or face a longer stimulation period. I am so discouraged. I know I can’t have a second kid if I don’t try but at the same time, I’m super discouraged about all this. The stars are not all aligning, so to speak, for a second pregnancy. It’s OK, though, not my will but God’s will. Because He alone gets to determine the outcome of all of this.

But I can still try, right?

[baroness-of-suburbia]

At a loss for words.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

One person talking to me got me all, like...

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Dealing with severe depression. Just feeling like I don’t want to deal with life anymore. Just feeling like I want it to end. Or that my illness is only relevant if I’m in the hospital (which i swear to God I won’t go back to).

I fear other things. Not being recognized. Not being rewarded. Being torn down. Being misrepresented. I have yet to learn those things but I expect to soon.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

I’m not sure why it’s taboo to celebrate black culture. Black isn’t just a race; it’s also an ethnicity, especially for dark-colored Americans. Those of sub-Saharan heritage were oppressed by “whites” for so long in America that they felt the need to support themselves in some way. Black people have been integrated into society but the dominating culture still focuses on white Americans. How many network TV shows have predominantly minority characters (including Hispanic, Asian, etc) compared to predominantly white characters?

I suppose the older I get, the more I see how few black people there are willing to take risks and put themselves out there. Or maybe it’s the opposite: Black people are putting themselves out there and are being rejected. I just know that I’m in an environment where I can count on both fingers how many black people I see out of 300.

Black History Month is a celebration of culture. You could call it Sub-Saharan Descendant History Month but that’s a mouthful. There’s no “white” history month because you have Italian Heritage Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, Asian American... Pick a month, a culture is celebrated. “White” is not a culture. White is a lump term to classify anyone with pale skin.

All Americans should be celebrated in different ways but those who have struggled with oppression (and continue to do so) should be allowed to celebrate their heritage, their culture, and the people who excelled within their ethnicity.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Hi. My name is Kass and I’m here to tell you that I’ve become ridiculously politically left and crazy proud of my race and ethnicity. Thank you, Trump. Under the terms of the last few presidents, I’ve been politically moderate. I disliked Obama solely on his abortion stance, but I was OK with the rest of his presidency. While Trump supports the abortion beliefs I hold, he is a COMPLETE 180 in every way that I just cannot support him. He is a threat and danger to our nation. I’m getting off track. I disagree with many of the things that Trump has been doing with his Republican cohorts. (Not to mention the scandals galore. How do the women he groped and sexually assaulted escape the #MeToo movement?) I felt like toward the end of Obama’s presidency, he grew slack and lackadaisical with his domestic and foreign policy. As if he gave zero shits. He’s the one responsible for ending the wet/dry land law for Haitians and Cubans. But Trump? Trump will actually DEPORT them. Shit got personal and shit got real when that man called my family’s home country a “shithole.” That “shithole” gave me some of the finest people I have met in my life—not just my mom and dad but also my aunts and uncles. My grandmother who almost lived to 107. She raised 7 kids by herself after her husband was assassinated. She did good. She didn’t have to leave as she was well off. But she did. With all of her children (except one who died in Haiti). And that’s why I’m American. Born in Brooklyn, raised on Long Island, and out of place with society’s black culture. I ignored Trump when he refused to condemn white supremacists; I ignored Trump when he refused to stand with black people by supporting their history and by honoring MLK Jr. Then he attacked my heritage. And that became hard to ignore. That felt personal. As if he had said, “Your family came from a shithole.” Haiti has its problems but it’s not a country worth avoiding. People who have visited Haiti have fallen in love with the country. Despite the poor population, tourism is a burgeoning new economy. If people weren’t so afraid of visiting and made it their new travel destination, the country’s wealth could grow by leaps and bounds. I’m still an outlier in the black community. And I guess that’s OK. But I’m still part of a race that has been denigrated by this administration by not denouncing the actions of racists and racism. Forget Haitians and El Salvadorans but come one, come Norway (full of white people). The older I grow, the more race becomes a front and center issue. It’s not something I can ignore. It’s in your face. I’m in an environment where I don’t interact with very many black people. In fact, I don’t interact with very many cultures other than European Caucasian ethnicities. I’m not sure why I can’t support black culture if it’s done right. I won’t watch a crappy Tyler Perry movie because BLACK. I won’t read a bad novel by an African American because BLACK. I didn’t support Obama because BLACK. I don’t love Oprah because BLACK. (Like her but don’t love her.) But the stats are undeniable: mostly black men are clogging up the prisons for minor offenses like being caught with marijuana. REALLY? Just make the damn thing legal and empty our prisons for people who are committing true felonies that require them to be apart from society. Black people love them some marijuana and it doesn’t cause cancer or lead to death like tobacco and alcohol. You just get the munchies and laze around. Oh woe. What a terrible offense. I don’t know why the stupid thing is illegal in the first place. I’m for MINORITIES. Not necessarily black people. Give me an Indian, Asian, or Hispanic any day and I will wholeheartedly support them more because they are likely to have faced more obstacles than their white counterparts. I’ve also become somewhat of a feminist too. A Susan B. Anthony feminist who supports women’s agendas and reproductive rights. (Like, the right to actually reproduce. Derp.) But I also support access to birth control, eliminating the pay gap between sexes, and equality in all industries. I guess I’ve become radical. You wouldn’t know it by talking to me in person. But all these things run through my mind and I just get all activist. But I don’t act on any of it. So I guess I’m not an activist at all. Just a ranter.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Wright fright

Tired. Dazed. Confused. There are certain things about my life that I want to stay the same (within my power) and other things I’d like to change. My son is growing up. He’s 4. I didn’t get the chance to enjoy him as a baby but I enjoyed his toddlerhood and his growth into a little boy. He’s adorable. Except when he tries to throw fake tantrums. That’s never cute.

After a long discussion with someone, I want to get back into writing. Creative writing. I miss it so much. I don’t have much time during the week to do it but I realized today how much I miss it and really enjoy it. I’ve already booked time off in November so that I can take part in NaNoWriMo. I love editing but creative writing has a part of my soul too.

Less Twitter! Less social media! Less Instagram (although I admit, that’s my current addiction)! More writing! More creative thinking! More new stories!

Writing is a muscle. You really have to flex and exercise it and I’ve been so bad at that. I get a cursor of a blank page and I just stare at it. “What do I do? What do I write?” Write fright. Haven’t heard the term but I’m sure someone out there has coined it.

I got this journal: 300 Writing Prompts. I’m hoping it’ll jump-start my thinking into consistent writing and a writing pattern/habit.

Well, I blogged on Tumblr. This is a start.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Was sick with the flu yesterday along with my son. Today my husband is feeling under the weather. Nothing much to report here. I exercised to Day 5 of 80 Day Obsession and needed to work today but didn’t. I’m feeling stronger and healthier every day.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Haitian-American

Dear Mr.��“Not My” President: Haiti and El Salvador are not “shitholes.” Why don’t we strip you of your luxuries and send you there? Like people from Norway want to live in the US. ::rolls eyes:: People from poor countries come to the US for a better life BECAUSE they have no opportunity for one. Norway is a first-world country. First-world people don’t need to immigrate to a first-world country. Why in the hell would I want to emigrate to Norway? 

Dude...I just can’t even with you. I know you’ll never read this because you’re lofty and think too much of yourself (remember you’re a “stable genius”), but I wish you had compassion on those who are not as fortunate as you.

If this is the way you treat people from poor countries, I can’t imagine how you treat poor people in our own country.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

YASSSSS

Amazon.com should include the ebook for free with the purchase of the physical book.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

11 Confessions of Living with Chronic Invisible Illnesses

[baroness-of-suburbia]

Mr. Ed was a stable genius.

[baroness-of-suburbia]

IN THE FIFTH GIF HE PATS THE CUPS WITH HIS LITTLE PAWS TO MAKE SURE IT’S IN. BRB, DYING.

ARE YOU KIDDING? LOOK AT THE 7TH GIF HOW HE JUST HANDS THE CUPS TO THE PERSON AND IS LIKE, “HERE HUMAN, YOUR FEEBLE TASK FOR ME IS COMPLETE. NOW LEAVE US BE.”