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Writing direct to tumblr. My old friend. Don’t want this to be seen by anyone irl.

I had an interview today, for a really fucking well paid job. I clearly looked good on paper (in my application), however I failed to get through to the third interview stage.

They phoned me at the end of today to tell me I wasn’t successful. What kind of sick fuck phones someone to tell them that?! The full is - if you’ve failed you get an email, if you’re successful you get a phone call. So when the phone rang my heart was in my mouth with anticipation. The guy broke the news and my whole world crashed around me, crushing me in the process.

Dom think’s I’m overreacting… but I have literally just fucked the biggest opportunity of my entire life. The perfect job that would have solved all of my problems. I should have known it was to good to turn out for me. Who did I think I was in the first place applying for such a high salaried job?! It was a permanent position too. It would have made my life.

My current job is working for a failing charity running a department with only half the fucking frontline team, because senior management think it’s okay to fuck with my service by seconding my team members without consulting me first?! The charity is falling apart due to incompetence in senior roles and corruption largely driven by office politics. I want out.

This job was my ticket outta there. Ffs, I can’t stop crying. I’m completely screwed. I can’t even have a breakdown because Dom is under enough pressure finishing his PhD thesis, and they’ve put me on a fucking sickness review and extended my probationary period.

I think I’m going to whistle blow everything. There are a few main culprits, and they need to be held accountable for their fucked update morals and their abuse of power within the organisation.

No more miss nice guy!

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Ruminating on Therapy

I have this persistent, permanent underlying bad feeling… I’ve had it my entire life, and no matter what I do, I can’t get it to go away… not for very long anyway. It always returns. The only way I can describe it is a crave, a need, to fill a void that exists in my core. it’s an empty feeling, a missing piece, a lack of some thing very important. These days it presents as an urge to put…

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Today I treated myself to a healthy lunch (and a cheeky little Bloody Mary, as I was WFH in the afternoon).

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Trying to live a healthier life. This was Monday, day one. After work instead of going to the pub, I went to the park.

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Workin’ it out!

So I’ve been in my new (managers) role for a whole month now, (I still can’t believe it!). All in all… it’s gone very well. My manager, however, neglects to support me, which I am not used to! I get zero guidance, few instructions and minimal praise. But, it’s just meant I’ve had to stand up and very quickly become a strong, independent leader. I’ve had to put my boss boots on a few times, things…

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Hi, I know this is random but I have a cystoscopy in a few days and I'm beyond terrified. I can't handle pain at all (especially in my bladder/urethra) and I have no idea how I'm going to cope with the aftermath.

Hi Anon, well, the procedure itself is actually not that painful at all. It’s a bit embarrassing - having the Dr insert a tiny cam up your urethra and into your bladder, but it really is tiny, and to be fair, it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. It’s always good to get checked out if you’re getting reoccurring UTI’s. When I had mine, the Dr discovered some white patches on the wall of my bladder, which you’ll be able to see on the screen. It was due to the repeating infections I’d had. He tried to scrape away at the damaged areas with the head of the camera - that was painful, but no ordinary Dr will do that, the guy doing my examination was a bit of a weird guy. He made jokes (that could have been deemed sexist) which I and the two female nurses rolled our eyes at (to give you a bit of context). But other than that, it really is nothing to worry about… I hope this has helped somewhat. Good luck. Hope you get the result you’re looking for.

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New job - week one!

New job – week one!

I have had a GREAT first week at my new job as a first time manager. Everyone in the company have been so welcoming and friendly! I only got my devises (laptop, phone etc.) on Thursday afternoon, so most of the week was meetings with various departments and shadowing. Thankfully now I can get in with some real work! I seem to have made a good impression, I’ve got loads of new, fresh ideas, and…

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Interview 3rd time lucky!

After my last post – the interview I did for Business Development and Data Analysis job within the company was unsuccessful… to be fair, I was actually a little bit relieved. It was a shot in the dark for a pay increase and I was under qualified. I would have been out of my depth had I have been successful. Do that was interview number one. Interview number two… after applying for the Lead role…

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Trying to climb the ladder…

I saw a job vacancy within the company I work for, it was advertised internally and externally. The role is more business development and data analysis, but I was interested… plus it pays five grand more a year than my current role. So, I went for it. I told my manager well in advance that I was interested, and like a complete legend she was entirely supportive. She did say she wouldn’t want to…

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I’ve let myself go!

This is a good representation of me three years ago, vs me now… I’m not very happy about it. I weighed myself today. I’m only 5’3” and I weigh 12 stone 1 lbs. that is not healthy! I can’t blame it on lockdown. It’s me. My attitude. I’ve gotten too relaxed with everything. I’m drinking waaaaayyy too much, and that all adds up in terms of calories. I’m even paying for a gym membership that I never…

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Covid Christmas

As you may have guessed from the title, I had covid this Christmas (I guess it’s ‘last’ Christmas now)… yep, the bloody virus that has plagued the world for the last few years finally caught up with me. And it meant I couldn’t spend Christmas Day with my family, which sucked, big time! Me and Dom were isolating, so he couldn’t go and stop with his family either. We made the best of a bad…

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Can’t… concentrate!..

I have just under a week and a half until I break up for Christmas. Soooo much paperwork to get done, it is unbelievable. But can I find my focus?… of course not!! ADHD is owning me at the moment! I can hardly do anything!!! I haven’t even done any Christmas shopping yet! Time is ticking!! You can probably feel my frustration with all the exclamation marks. So I’ve taken myself to the pub,…

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1. Start a fight 2. Regret it later

This weekend (just gone) was the annual Xmas meet up with me and my cousins. We’re all of a similar age and are quite a close knit bunch of friends more than anything. All of our partners were invited so there was quite a few of us, we planned to meet in town and go Curling at a novelty games arena/bar type place. I stressed out trying to get there on time (as I’m renowned for being late and…

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Nosedive

The other month I broke my nose. I had just finished work snd was running for a bus (the bus was stuck in traffic and I was trying to beat it to the stop), I tripped and went flying! Landed flat on my face nose first into the concrete path. I heard my nose make a very loud crunch and I just thought.. fuck. I stayed down sprawled out on the floor. People started to gather around me to help me up,…

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Being hairy didn’t make me more of a Feminist …

Well – duh! Of course it didn’t. To be honest, as someone who was recently considering identifying as the transgender ‘category’ of non-binary I have struggled with calling myself a feminist (a bit dumb I know). To me the movement should be about equal rights and treatment despite gender, not the stereotype of a group of women who hate on men. What makes someone a ‘Feminist’ has changed a lot…

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Learning to drive (at 33yrs)

This week I’ve had my first few driving lessons – ever! I actually drove a car! It feels weird behind the wheel, I get a flutter of excitement when I start the engine. There is so much to think about: clutch, gear, biting point, mirrors, indicator, steering, gas, clutch break. It’s not natural yet, but I think I’m picking it up pretty well. I do wish I could already drive. I should have learned…