wahaydendotcom

[wahaydendotcom]

Wednesday, 13 August

Hey,

I got this email from Bandcamp today: 👇

1.) Congratulations independent music! 2.) How much music corresponds to 3.5 million dollars (USD)? 3.) MY fans did not show up 4.) I feel like this message was sent to mock me; I have 135 tracks on Bandcamp... ~ about 14% of my "discography" I like, and I don't make any money of of any of it.

Here's my Bandcamp artist page: 👇

Not salty, but this is fueling my disdain for the United States music industry. I won't go into a rant now.

Today feels like a big day for succeeding though trials. I was almost in a head on car collision driving west on Highway 34! I cursed myself for my careless driving and driving with a hot head. Not all my fault. The other car didn't have their headlights on speeding over a hill at sunset. Thank God no one died!

Celebrated living by purchasing a poster of American supermodel legend Bettie (Mae) Page waiting for a douche to pick out his kratom at a smoke shop - I purchased three pack of cigars too. The poster was a dollar (USD) off for being the last one in the shop.

No shame, Bettie Page is amazing. Her modeling career was the cornerstone for how beauty is portrayed in film of all kinds. She changed how people all over Earth are exposed to sex for better and worse. I love beautiful women but hate voyeurism. The work of Bettie Page is so sexy and humble in a way that shows how to be confident with who you are no matter how beautiful you are. Voyeurism comes from the world's coveting, lust, evil, and murderous ways, and Bettie Page was not immune to that. The survival of good work is miracle!

Here's her Wikipedia page: 👇

Mom; Dad, I'm in love with a dead woman.

God bless - Psalm 119 verses 97 - 104 was my scripture for the day. I studied the Bible more than just part, but I have a favoritism for the alphabetical Psalms and had the most fun annotating this in my Bible today.

Don't judge me. I'll judge you.

Hope you drive safely,

Will H.

P.S. I went to the library and borrowed Magic Sam, "West Side Soul" (Delmark Records, 1990) on CD today too - I was listening to it loud and singing along while driving and this contributed to my careless driving. I love Magic Sam! I'm not ashamed to say I'm jealous of his guitar playing; he's a major inspiration for me. I've always learned songs of his and his style of Blues is what I aspire my Blues style to be.

[wahaydendotcom]

Tuesday, 12 August

Hey,

Here's a track that is [thus far] a Tumblr exclusive - recorded from my phone today: 👇

The title, "Thirst Quencher", is meant to illustrate 1. how water (Gatorade) satisfies desire (thirst/hunger) and provides [Genesis 22 - The Offering of Issac] for desire (peace, love, harmony). I thought of this explanation after I composed, played, recorded, and thought to share my music on the internet.

2. There's a wildfire that started near me in Colorado three hours ago on the outskirts of Rocky Mountain National Park. I guess the song is meant to bring attention to that - through ambiguous music that's a miracle if someone likes. I like it; wish it was better.

I called 911 as soon as possible and they [she] said they already knew about it. I said, "Alright, good; bye bye." to the 911 operator. I should've asked if there were evacuation orders and finished the call saying, "Alright, good. Thank you, goodbye".

Watching the fire. Hoping and praying it goes out. The weather is hot and dry today but/and it rained like a monsoon Sunday night so it's not spreading very quickly.

Just googled the Colorado wildfire map. The fire is nearby for sure. This is like the third or fourth time this has happened to me: I'm on some shit and in a frail (chaotic) state of mind and a fire is discovered by me.

What caused the fire? Not me. Is it a coincidence I was in a funk feeling like my flesh and body are burning up? No; global warming statistics explain how forest fires have become more common in North America - in the 21st century.

Pray for the resident population, firefighters, housing, air pollution, and fires going out.

No evacuation orders yet. Patiently watching the fire.

Me in real life today: 👇

Emotional pain: X

God willing, I'll update you about the fire.

Talk to you later,

William A. H.

Update: ~one hour after posting this, the fire went out 👍

[wahaydendotcom]

Monday, 11 August

Hey,

Got 23,462 steps in today - 391% of my daily goal. Go me; I feel accomplished!

But, Psalm 147 verse 10b: "He [LORD God] does not take pleasure in the legs of a man."

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Thursday, 7 August

Hey,

Here's a dose of realism/pessimism after being joyfully-optimistic yesterday;

"The New Aesthetics of Fascism" by Ben Hoerman, published eight days ago (Wednesday, 30 July). A Youtube video essay about fascism today. He does a good job of discerning qualities and 'style' of fascism - i.e. pure evil. I agree with many of his points but can't fathom how he can call himself a 'centrist' in the description of the video. He makes a point at 34:51 to say, "The snake has finally begun to show its face again and we are doing... nothing." I think that's being too severe on the audience of this video. Being peaceful, seeking information, and not doing fascist things is being good which is something to boast about. Consider me an asshole, but personally, I feel justified in my religion, sex (gender), politics, education, and the work I do after watching this. Hating evil is a virtue which fascists are actual too blind and deaf to understand. He builds on the point of, "doing... nothing." by illustrating how we've been desensitized to violence, hate, and the abuse of government through ironic corporate meme culture - which is right. I'd go on to point to brainwashing but this isn't my video essay.

The video essay: 👇 (⚠️ Footage of hate, violence, death, and the Gaza Genocide⚠️)

Sharing to spread awareness and motivate people against modern day evil. Fascists are are mind controlled puppets of the devil and the devil is a person and he's a loser. History repeats itself and I learned when I was a child that these people lose.

Content like this gets me all riled up. What would I have done if I was younger and watched this? Maybe I'd still be writing about it on the internet. I'm mature enough now to sit with bad feelings and integrate negativity into courage and faith. I'm also thinking about how discretion, humility, kindness, and self-control are virtues of men who fear God.

I don't know what else to say about fascism and evil right now. Here's three things:

Fuck Nazis! Those people are idiots who don't know the difference between their right and left hand - Jonah 4.11

Fuck the manosphere! Those people are just male prostitutes and harlots - Hosea 5.3-5; leading other people into sin and punishment from God.

Fuck President Donald Trump! He's king Ahab - 1 Kings.1-22; but he doesn't humble himself to the Lord.

My paranoia's telling me that sharing these opinions online will, "put me on some lists." I so jaded by the actual surveillance state of the internet that I don't care. Is this the "doing... nothing" Ben was talking about in his video?

In music news: played and listened to a lot of music today. It was good!

Emotional pain: 5-6 (7)

Hope you're doing good,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Wednesday, 6 August

Hey,

Thanks everyone for getting my PRIVATE DIARY to 50 likes!

Here's a template post Tumblr made for me to celebrate THIS: 👇

I'm not being factitious in the bio of THIS BLOG; if you read THIS you're a bad person. There's multiple levels of meaning to that sentence: 1. the concept of original sin (human nature [i.e. being a sentient being]) invariably makes all people sinners, 2. it's a controversial ('bad') choice to engage with something that someone else considers private, 3. I want to relate to people by sharing/projecting my point-of-view of onto others; in essence, confessing that I'm a bad person* (*but I want to get better - as all people ought to), and 4. it's a provocative statement meant to catch your attention.

And, God willing, that's the point of doing THIS.

Thank you!

As someone who grew up as a lurker/stalker in parasocial relationships on the internet, I don't want to start any of that. I've always thought about how to establish good relationships between authors, texts, and audiences on the internet... and I'm afraid to consider myself an author(*).

Here's an article about author, text, audience relationships I read* (*skimmed): 👇

*note to self: The mystery behind THIS fear is what I'd like to understand through writing THIS.

[Me]: "Kirā Kuīn Baitsa Dasuto" [starting this diary over; thankyouall!]

Hey,

I know happiness exists because I discovered the music of Juliette Lewis today. Big, "Why didn't I know about this sooner" deja vu moment listening to "Shelter Your Needs" this morning.

2003 music video for "Shelter Your Needs" off Juliette & The Licks first EP, ...Like a Bolt Of Lightning. Shot and edited by Lightfield Lewis: 👇

🪽My guardian angel got me here. I love Juliette Lewis - and the boys in her band. I was practicing with ...Like a Bolt Of Lightning and it's made a spot in my music inspiration/repertoire like a bolt of lightning (LOL). "Got Love To Kill" is an instant favorite song, "20 Year Old Lover" is about me seven years ago, and "American Boy" is prophecy regarding my future, "I Am My Father's Daughter" isn't on Spotify -

listen to the EP on Youtube: 👇

*the video I shared isn't on YT anymore :(

I know happiness exists today!

Thank God for good music!

What else can I say today?

I was thinking about how I've talked about mental illness, spirituality, psychology, autism, and various other stuff here (on Tumblr) and thinking about what else to say here as opposed to somewhere else (in therapy/whatever). Thinking about it is like searching for purpose in a can of worms.

Ugh, not thinking about that anymore.

Going to get back to living life in the real world. I think I'll go for a walk; it's ~ 88 degrees (Fahrenheit) and hazy in Colorado today and I've been in my room with the blinds drawn writing this for ~ two hours now.

[Voice in my head]: "So what?"

[Me]: "So nothing!"

Thanks for 50 likes everybody!

I hope you're doing good,

James 4.7b (ISV)- "Resist the devil, and he will run away from you."

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Saturday, 2 August

Hey,

Hope you're doing good.

Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl (1998) f-cked me up more than I thought it would. I woke up on Wednesday (30 July) in a bad way and ended up self-harming - cutting. Don't do this. Don't do what I did.

Mayo Clinic is my best friend today (info about self-harm: 👇)

Of course it wasn't just Xiu Xiu that got me to hurting myself this week; it's many more things. God as my witness; Shit I hate and can only complain about.

One of the things that you might understand is fear of vulnerability. I don't really get how it works; but I feel the more I share about myself and open-up, the more negative voices (i.e. 'the devil') tries to stop me.

Here's a crazy analogy about my feelings:

It's like talking about Voldemort from the Harry Potter franchise. I'm like Ron at chapter 19, book three: "The Servant of Lord Voldemort", "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (1999). I remember this chapter as being the most Voldemort was talked about in private, but the wizarding world wouldn't realize the ~reality~ of Voldemort's return until chapter 35, book four: "Veritaserum", "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" (2000) when Harry returns with Cedric's body the the entrance of the Triwizard Maze. There's 57 (rest of POA) + 669 (first 24 chapters of GOF) pages of "Harry Potter" between these two realizations about "You-Know Who".

page numbers taken from the First American Edition of the hardcover versions of the books by J.K. Rowling published by Scholastic Press.

Irl, "You-Know-Who" is Satan and the wizarding world are Christians. J.K. Rowling is King Herod's daughter, Herodias (Matthew 14. 6 - 11) - causing the execution of John the Baptist, taking his head, but leaving his body to his disciples.

And that kids is why it's useless to read Harry Potter.

Back to today's diary:

Exercised afterwords, that helped. Devoted myself heavy to music practice afterwords, that helped. Ate fruits and vegetables, that helped. Trying not to drink coffee past 2 PM, that might be helping. Listening to Miles Davis, "Bitches Brew" (1970) now, it's helping.

Here's the ~culmination~ of my guitar practice the last two (three) days: 👇

Here's Bitches Brew by Miles Davis (1970): 👇

One of these things is not like the other. Bitches Brew is awesome, my music sux. It's good to have inspiration, but it's silly to compare yourself to professional, studio recorded jazz from 55 years ago. Will music ever be as good as this? I hope so, but who really knows.

Ugh, there was more I wanted to write about today but I'm losing interest in doing that.

Spoke a few people face-to-face about my music yesterday.

Ugh, so what?

Yellowjackets (2021 - present) and Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal (2008 - 2010) may have had bad influences on me. I have thoughts, feelings, and criticisms about these television shows but prefer to talk about movies so...

Ugh. Thinking about [that] opened up a can of worms in my mind.

End of today's diary. What did we learn today? What happens happens; I haven't learned much yet.

Hope you're doing good,

Here's Bible Scripture I'm meditating on for the rest of the day: 👇

The First Letter of Paul to the Corinthians, chapter three, verse 7, 8, 11 - 15 (NAB, 1995)

Whatever happens to my work, I know I'll be saved by fire.

Peace,

William A. H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Tuesday, 29 July

Hey,

Depressed but alright. When I was younger, I wondered what it would be like to be 27 years old and depressed so this is fundamentally a letter to my younger self. 16 (17) years ago, I was right there [12 feet away from where I'm sitting on my bedroom floor now] trying to lift myself up out of catatonic depression on the floor. This is what the 27 club is like: Horrible. It's just vanity to consider that I'm better of than my younger self. Emotional pain: -.

Depressed for a few reasons. One, I watched "Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl" (1999) last night and it unleashed a lot of emotion for me. ⚠️Content warning! Communism, castration, rape, suicide ⚠️. Review on Letterboxd.com: 👇

Reasons two, three is the state of the world: Global conflict and atrocities caused by society - things that make me feel useless. Big obstacles. *When I was younger, I didn't think when I was 27 I'd still be praying to Jesus to lessen Earth's problems, but who would'a thunk that some things never change. Better off now than then; I used to think my suffering levied the world's trouble and I the pain I felt meant someone else was doing good. That was a bizarre thing to think. I have faith now that putting this all into words is a progressive step towards actually changing the face of the Earth for good. How, I don't know.

Reason four is me: It's selfish to talk about it further.

Reason five is others: I wish I loathed people less.

Reason six is the unknown: Questions about what to do. Answers to wait. Wondering what I'm being patient for. The mystery of getting further with music.

Depressed for other reasons as well. Seven is my loneliness and wish for a good future. My prayers are answered and I'm comforted about this so here is where the healing starts today.

Depression is awful. I'm reading the Bible to discern mental illness from being of "a depraved mind" and degradations described by Saint Paul the Apostle in "The Letter to the Romans" (c. 56 C.E.) chapter one, verses 28 - 32 [New American Standard Bible, 1995]. More questions than answers. Confidence that I'm good as a "recovering sinner". I see this scripture as a contrast of good and evil, Paul describing how wickedness is hating wisdom, and hating wisdom makes you stupid and evil. Just a theory.

If I was to end this diary as a letter to my younger self I'd say, "Don't doubt anything you feel." "Everything you feel is good," "Go play with Sadie," [my dog].

If I was to end this diary as a Christian testimony I'd say, "Read the Bible and meditate on the word of God," "Sacrifice your troubles to the One who understands human hearts through Jesus Christ," "Be good, live forever."

How I am ending this diary:

Yours,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Sunday, 27 July

Hey,

I went to Catholic mass instead of the Christian Sunday service I've been going to for the past 25+ weeks. It was nice to sing hymns with a choir but I missed playing worship music on guitar. There's a voice in my head telling me that I'm selfish to feel bad about the decision I made. Getting lots of FOMO (fear of missing out) and trying to combat it by vomiting words onto the internet. Left church without anyone stopping me to talk and learnt more about the Parable of the Fig Tree from Matthew 24.32-35. For me, this scripture is about the virtue of patience; waiting for the right time of things. Being alive is a sign of good things to come and living is the only way to enjoy good stuff. Some of my favorite of God's words. Encouraging me to stay alive.

There's a lot going on in my head. I'm struggling with depression now. It feels like a battle between Jesus and me versus the devil. Noticing that seeing dogs and people smiling is making me feel better.

I don't know what to do with myself. Feeling unwell. I watched this movie (👇) last night instead of going to a midnight rave in Denver.

Film can bring hope to the world and it should. People need to make more movies about stories from the Bible. People don't understand that the Bible is actually a good book with interesting human stories in it. They think it's all about circumcising penises but that's only relevant to a few parts and was made irrelevant after the resurrection of Christ. The Bible has to be public domain.

Praying for forgiveness, kindness, truth, peace, love, and friends.

I've been watching a show called "Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal" (2008 - 2010) and think I could never have made it on the show. I was way too scared of spirits, ghosts, and evil back then [~10 - 12 years old] to think there was anything good about the way I was. Does that make sense? One of the adult hosts, Edy Nathan, seems like she'd be a good therapist to me as a patient. I know that just imagining therapy is not a substitute for therapy, but it's the best I got now.

I'll go home and practice music, stalk people on social media, and talk to fake digital marketers online.

I don't know what to do with myself.

It's a day to listen to The Smashing Pumpkins and Black Sabbath

God bless Rock & Roll. All you people praise God!

Peace,

Will H.

P.S. Listening to "Girl With a Basket of Fruit" by Xiu Xiu too this afternoon: 👇

[wahaydendotcom]

Friday, 25 July

Hey,

Blessing update: Blessed. Felt grace and courage today. Went back to the church and wept in front of giant bronze statue of Jesus crucified to a giant crucifix hanged from the ceiling of the building. Prayed, drank some Holy water, read Psalm 128 from the back-left corner of the room. Got a new prayer card for The Virgin Mary. Will it work?

I'm really jumpy and getting startled by real and imaginary things; Everything that scares me adds to my fear/love of God. Does that sound crazy?

Grateful for all the music I played this week. All practice, all productive. Considered what to do with my Soundcloud and deleted four of my oldest tracks. I was thinking about how guitar has been the biggest help in surviving my life and how that's vain sentimentality I don't want to think, I just want to act; to make music, play guitar, and save planet Earth; to have people feel like real humans happy with themselves. What's the purpose of music?

Watched the first two episodes of "Yellowjackets" season three on Paramount+. The website kept crashing at dramatic times during both episodes and I think something was trying to keep me from watching it without waiting longer. I prefer movies to television and felt that watching these two episodes. Interesting and entertaining things happen in the show, but so many things are strung along and drag the plot in directions that don't answer questions and provide closure to things. !Spoiler! What was Lottie's (Simone Kessell's) diagnosis at the mental health hospital?

How do you talk about real life mental health in real life?

Have I done an alright job on here already?

Is this all stupid?

Yes.

These are my own thoughts from today.

Hope you're doing good,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Wednesday, 23 July

Hey,

Blessing update: I feel blessed! I've been practicing music and slaughtering grief like no-ones business. Granted, all on my own - I haven't told a living soul face-to-face about my experience with Zeke on Sunday (20 July). Eager to! Patiently waiting for the right time/person to talk about it with. I've been smelling roses at surprise moments, which was a sign Zeke told me about, but olfactory hallucinations are nothing new to me. Still it makes me about Our Blessed Mother, makes me feel love, and that makes me happy.

I finished the second season of "Yellowjackets" (2021 - present) at 2 AM on Monday (21 July). I liked it; no spoilers, but in my humble opinion the ending bordered on too chaotic and cliff-hanger-y. I'm more interested in the teens' timeline and want to see how both timelines play out in season three. Wish they explored Lottie's (Courtney Eaton, Simone Kessell) mental illness more than they did - I'm compelled to re-watch season one and two to note the similarities I see between a fictional character and me. Excited to see season 3!

Recorded a one-take [six plus practice hours] one-minute song and put it on Soundcloud. I'm satisfied with the track, but it feels less rushed. Grateful for sharing music on the internet! The song: 👇

My heads flooded with thoughts. It's hard to explain schizophrenia as a mental illness. I don't even know what to write about it with voices in my head currently on this 68* F Colorado evening, Wednesday, 23 July, 2025.

R.I.P. Ozzy Osbourne (Friday, 3 December, 1948 - Tuesday, 22 July, 2025) I just watched a video of an interview of his on Friday (18 July) that stirred up the Rock 'n' Roll spirit in me. The interview: 👇

Hope you're doing good,

God bless,

Will A. H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Sunday, 20 July

Hey,

Today was day 24 (consecutively every week since Sun. 9 Feb.) of playing Worship music for my local gospel church. I was out for 12 hours (8:30-20:30). Played guitar and sang! It was a good time and the ~ nine (10) people in the pews seemed to like it. Grateful to be useful in making Sunday special for people! Emotional pain: 6(8)

Everything about my day is kind of a mess after that...

The pastor let a 'brother' give a sermon in which this man said things that triggered Christian/Catholic/ paranoia in me. I'm questioning what I did that was real. He did say that he wonders if he's a Christian sometimes. That's not what you want to hear going to a Christian church. I feel, how do you say... burning with anger. What would I have said if we talked about my feelings after church? We'll never know because I didn't. Was at church for ~ three and a half

Went to a coffee shop to read three version (NASB, NET, NIV) of Matthew 14: The beheading of John the Baptist, Five Thousand [+Plus] Fed, and Jesus (and almost Peter) walk on water. I got two $2.07 ($1.07+$1 tip) 12 oz. drip coffees. Was there ~ four hours.

Went to my old Catholic church and got a blessing from a someone name Zeke (Ezekiel) in the name of Our Lady of Guadalupe. He had a hand-made replica, of her star-covered blanket that covers her and I draped it over my shoulders while he prayed to her in Jesus Christ's name. It made me cry no-reason tears. The history and connection of the Our Lady of Guadalupe and this church is interesting and Zeke enthusiastically talked to me a lot about it. Overall the experience was good! Certainly added to the mystery of [my] life.

Here's the wikipedia page for her: 👇

I was there ~ three hours.

Thought about going others places and drove towards them but turned around to just go home. Drove around ~ two hours.

Waiting to see if I get sick. I've been healthy recently and it just seems like it's my time to be ill.

Emotional pain: 6 (8). I feel like there's a war in my head. Imagining so many things and feel dumb from what non-verbal internal voices say about me. I'm trying to think about what to say in protest to what isn't my thoughts or my voice. Will only schizophrenic people understand that? - that was a rhetorical question to my mental illness.

Praying for music; that I can play more now, always, and forever!

Praying for the labor of my hands; that the work I do is fruitful!

Answers, "Yes", and, "Amen".

Watched episode eight of "Yellowjackets" season two and liked it! I love it when cults are fictional narratives and not real things that actually happen in real life. The perspectives of female violence and pagan/occult spirituality in this show is insane. I don't know what other horror television series it could be compared to.

Thinking about purpose and hope now but it's 00:39 (Monday, 21 July) so those thoughts don't qualify for today's diary.

My shame is constantly before me and humiliation covers me;

Bye,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Friday, 18 July. 2025.

Hey,

Today, I'm Frank (Danny DeVito) from It's Always Sunny in Philidephia in the episode, "The Gang Gets Quarantined" (season 9, episode 7). I'm not shaving every hair off my body and bathing in hand sanitizer though. I think what I'm feeling is hypomania.

!Speaking of television streaming on Hulu, my Spotify premium account - with basic Hulu - automatically renewed today for this month and over-drafted my checking account! I thought to cancel Spotify premium last week* (*really back in February of this year the day I watched "The Blair Witch Project" (1999)[: 👇]

) but I'm too addicted to singing songs from my downloaded playlists on airplane mode driving around the Northern Colorado as I come and go to places!

!Rage/rant! Fuck Spotify and what that company has done to destroy the music listening experience. I can't begin to fathom what their CEO is doing with AI. It's just another stupid problem that builds to the bigger problem of making people slaves to Multinational Corporations (MNCs). Thank God that people are still able to enjoy listening to music on phones and the internet, but damn subscription services and the evil influence over peoples attention that streaming services have over people!

There's two (three) of the things on my mind.

One other: Religious OCD. This week, I've been in constant prayer since Tuesday; broken up with sleep, driving, music, tv, internet, and showers. I tried meditating but even that turned into Bible reading and praying. Writing THIS now is helping me come out of obsession, but I must say; absolutely blessed by the fruits of prayer! ✝️

Today, God's Spirit actually removed obstacles and uncrossed curse that have been big troubles for me. All it took was going back to read my writing after praying for courage and doing so in the name of Jesus.

Let me share a little bit of my other diary with you - might delete later. Last year - Tuesday, 8 October - I began keeping a diary addressed to "Kitty" in the manner of "The Diary of Anne Frank" (1947) because I wanted to. Here's photos of some pages: 👇

I've written to "Kitty" across various other journals but 'it' all started here and I feel a sentimentality about 'it'. Apart from sorting out my thoughts and emotions, keeping a diary like this has helped embrace humility and compassion. The healing power of writing about how you're feeling is real!

If you [can] read what I've shared, you'll see more Religious OCD. I wrote about today (Friday, 18 July. 2025.) underneath what I wrote nine months ago (Friday, 18 October. 2024.). Coincidence, I think not! Today was meant to be a response to nine months ago. What I wrote carries a lot of hidden shame and grief.

Also, there's lots of notes from meetings, research, and such in my notebook.

Today, I see how my life has changed from nine months ago. How I've adapted to circumstances. How things haven't changed. I truly think I'm better off now than I was then, but I am not where I thought/hoped I would be.

I'm getting nauseous from writing this much. Here's a song I discovered that captures a lot of my feelings about this sh-t: 👇

One more [good] thing: I battled Religious OCD this week by watching a National Geographic documentary, "Buried Secrets of the Bible with Albert Lin: Sodom & Gomorrah" (National Geographic, December 24, 2023.): 👇

It's a good watch. Archaeology studies of the Bible are great. More people should do them. What do you think this means about God's judgment of human sin? Crazy that the Bible is actually an accurate telling of human history and time!

Hope you're doing good,

it's starting to rain on me,

Peace.

William A. H.

P.S. Here's another page from my notebook when I used it for college notes: 👇

Lol @ "oral presentation" [!Fun fact: I didn't complete this project! (teehee)]

[wahaydendotcom]

Tuesday, 15 July

Hey,

Long day. Making a choice to write about it but choosing what not to talk about. It was a big day with a lot of things that happened: Got a new tire for my car. Went to the bank. Walked around a cemetery I'd never been to before. The battery for my car died in a parking lot and a kind Mormon woman helped me to jump-start it. Practiced music; bass, guitar, and voice. Listened to music. Went to to a poetry open mic - didn't read but one of the poets, an Iraq war veteran, shared printed copies of his [really good] poems with me.

While writing this, I'm watching* episode six, "Qui", of the second season of Yellowjackets (2021 - present) [on Netflix]- and ⚠️SPOILER ALERT⚠️ it's pretty wild. I paused at 16:35 profile of Natalie's (Sophie T.'s) face looking in horror at the blood offering Travis (Kevin A.) and Lottie (Courtney E.) are leading while Shauna (Marie-Sopie N.) is in labor with her child. Good performances! The more occult and pagan sh-t I see in this show, the gates of Hell open wider. I'd love to talk about this show more - and might - but just need the perseverance to finish this episode tonight.

Was that too much information? Not enough? Ambiguous or confusing? Can you guess what I am not talking about?

Peace,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Sunday, 13 July

Hey,

Looking for hope in a lightning storm at a cemetery - writing this from my phone.

This song is stuck in my head:

https://youtu.be/kuOe4haCNgA?si=BQC6YkLJONhAhBZH (*I watched two ads to get a YouTube link instead of sharing the song on Spotify.)

This morning: Went to church. Had a good performance! I sang whilst playing guitar more than ever but my mic was turned way down. Had fun! Studied Matthew 12 at Sunday school. Met a couple from Shanghai ✝️

This evening I: Went to a Fort Collins poetry slam. Lots of inspiring poets from all over Colorado read. I sat at the same table as the woman who won the competition! We talked and I wish I told her about my music.

My minds racing bad. Lots of voices. Feeling bulimic.

The evening II: Got two slices of pizza by myself after the poetry slam. Lots of people (mostly girls); both of my slices fell topping-side down onto the ground as I was leaving the pizza place. One of the girls said something and I drew a tear falling down my face with my finger after I picked up my pizza. Waited till I was halfway across the street to take a bite, it wasn't dirty. Ate the rest of it at the cemetery.

The lightning storm I was watching stopped. Did I find hope? Yes, and, no.

Be well

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Saturday, 12 July

Hey,

I have plans to go to Akihabara Arcade in Westminster with friends later - their website: 👇

Excited! I haven't watched any anime in like three weeks an feel unequipped to talk too much to weebs or people in general. It'll be a good time though.

Feeling a lot of anxiety today. Emotional pain: 6 (7). Experiencing psychotic symptoms and struggling to stay calm writing this. Confused; don't know what to trust. Reliving moments from my life I'd prefer not to.

⚠️ Starting to talk about the devil.

I watched a podcast episode about devil and Baal worship in the music industry - the video: 👇

As a heterosexual white male Catholic Christian musician and music lover, I'm mixed up about how to feel about any of the content in this video. I'm not going to stop being a musician at all and the cruelty I'm sensing in myself after watching this video is encouraging me to get deeper into music. If the music industry is Goliath - I want to be David (1 Samuel 17).

Their Bible references were good, but I think the podcasters did a bad job of conflating music enjoyment with pure evil. The music industry is super fucked up but as a society, we've panicked about Satan before and that usually doesn't go well. Satan, if you're reading this, you're a dumbass; you're literally useless. Nothing but the blood of Jesus saves humanity from sin and guides truly marvelous creative works. I don't know about you, but the His Spirit guides my music in ways I don't intend.

Final thoughts (at the moment): Music is good. God created music like God created humans. He loves when humans create music themselves. Being a musician is a righteous thing to do. Following Christ and building your identity on God leads you to destiny. Amen..

After watching the video [☝️], I was listening to Led Zeppelin Coda (1982); refreshing myself with a four day old Monster energy drink; and journaling. [without any context] I wrote down "Purpose of living? To find hope". Did the Devil cause me to write that? No!

Find hope is the catchphrase I need. Going to meditate on it through the rest of this weekend. Maybe I'll have a revealing dream about it tonight.

I feel caught between hope and despair reading my old writing. Wonder if I'll share stories about su!c!de with my friends later like I do on here. THAT is really on my mind today... Wonder why? I'm going crazy.

Ought to get ready to leave for the arcade. Thanks for reading if you did!

Hope you're doing good,

Will H.

P.S. I popped a tire driving down [south] U.S. Route 287 into on my way to meet my friends. Pulled off into a church parking lot to put on the spare. My friends picked me up [and dropped me off later] and we listened to their 70's classic rock playlist. Sang along, had fun - wish they weren't playing the music so loud.

[wahaydendotcom]

Friday, 11 July

Hey,

Started reading some new books about music! "The Four Ages of Music" by Walter Wiora and think it's good so far! I'm skipping around a lot and the whole book was written before Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath so take everything it says with a 'grain of salt' as they say.

Practiced a lot of music. Listened to a lot of classics today. Totally discovered a whole bunch of records from the 60's and 70's. I made a playlist on Spotify of some of the music.

I saw "The Lobster" (2015) fir the second time on Wednesday (9 July) and wrote about it on Letterboxd.com.

Going to band practice now, I'm late!

I'm writing this at a Sturbucks - got a 12 oz Pikes Place roast drip coffee.

Goodbye for now,

Will H.

[wahaydendotcom]

Tuesday, 5 July

Hey,

I didn't die yesterday. I was being dramatic and facetious about "setting my intention" on Sunday - I that being said, mission accomplished! Still alive!

Thinking about my story, what it means, and how to write it. Writing this right now is a step towards [exactly] what [I need] to do.

Thinking about the biggest obstacles in my musical journey; writing lyrics, self-confidence, lack of technical knowledge of music production, working with other musicians, etc... I'm improving in all of these areas, but still feel too behind to even start with a career in music.

Thinking about the purpose of my music. That's close to the purpose of my life. I've talked about 'purpose' on here (Tumblr) before and still am as - if not more - confused about 'it' now. I want my music to make people feel emotion, understand my meaning, and change the world. Idk.

I saw the trailer for the new 2025 Superman film before seeing Nope (2022) last Wednesday and though it looked horrible. I wrote about it a little on Letterboxd.com:

Going to go to a poetry collective meeting that starts in eight minutes. I'm already at the place where it's held. Hope to share some of my poetry and not have it be laughed at!

I hope you're doing well,

Will H.