vent-and-advice

[vent-and-advice]

[vent-and-advice]

i dont know how to say this but i feel extremely angry and betrayed but extremely confused. Theres this friend i have, we’ll call him blue. Blue and i have been friends for a year and i adored him deeply he made me realize a lot about my mental health and realize that not everything from the last has been my fault and his guidance has helped me kind of develop a list of things id like to bring up to a psychologist once im able to see one. However i also became so attached i feel like obsession is almost applicable and its made it hard to see where he may have been wrong but im starting to improve. However today he ended up verging on a breakdown due to his mental health getting really bad recently and i tried to talk him through it but i forgot we were there with two other people and one of them eventually said we need to stop going into these back and forths with venting when other people are there because it can be very upsetting. We left soon after and i apologized to the other two people for not shutting down the conversation as well as Blue for not taking the initiative to stop him before things got upsetting and letting him do something he’d regret. He ended up saying he was distancing himself from the group because he felt like he made everyone uncomfortable and i began panicking because it felt like someone leaving could mean the friend group would split and id be left alone with the collateral. I ended up talking to one of the other people in the group after he responding to my apology (I’ll call him green) and he said I was being a good friend to which I disagreed because I failed to stand up and prevent this whole situation which I think he understands now, but it made me realize blue doesn’t ever seem to tell me when I’m wrong and doesn’t seem to recognize when I’m wrong and it’s been making me angry, but I can’t even be sure if this is just self destruction or genuine when I keep deciding to go to green for the time being who can even be a little rude when telling people they’re wrong. I feel like I’m just in an emotional pit from all of this and it’s confusing because one part of me wants to cling to blue like my life depends on it and the other part of me wants to skin the hand I reached out to him when we met and crush the bones so I can never find someone like him again and I don’t know what to think anymore

Dear friend, I am so sorry. This is very clearly a complicated situation.

It’s always nice to have a friend you can rely on and vent to have listen to you when you’re struggling. But always having a yes man can only increase self destructive behavior. And it seems that’s what Blue was for you. Clearly, he was struggling in his own ways. Everyone does, and it seems that friends who are designated the ‘therapy friend’ always have that emotional burden they must carry, which can lead to breakdowns and bridge burnings. And I understand that you wish you may have never met him, as he only encouraged your worse tendencies, but you have to think about if you actually hate him, or if this was just.. a tragic situation. And, in the end, as sad as it all is, you learn important lessons from a situations like this. The kinds of friends you talk to and how advice should be given.

Blue must be going through something, and, in the end, if he keeps pushing you away and not letting you offer him any help, there’s not much you can do. Perhaps give him time to gather his thoughts and feelings. But you can’t force someone to let you love or care for them.

But, you should also focus more on yourself, friend. Your feelings and emotional well being matter too. Hurt people hurt people. That’s how the saying goes. You don’t have to offer up your entire mental state in order to make someone else happy.

Think of yourselves as islands. You can offer shipments of supplies to help each other’s islands thrive, but if you offer up all the supplies you have, soon your own island will start to wither and die.

Dear anon, stay strong. Complicated friendships like this can be hard, I know it. But you are also worthy of healing and coming through hard situations. I offer you this beautiful rose to make your day have some joy to it 🌹

[vent-and-advice]

Heya.

I've been getting a lot of asks from the people from Gaza lately, so I've been reblogging their pinned posts. I don't have the money to donate that much, so I have only donated to maybe three. I feel so guilty for not doing more. On top of that, I'm already dealing with mental health issues, and the constant stream of pain in my inbox is taking a toll on me, so I honestly need to take a break. But then, I feel guilty for even being affected by it, because there's no way this is as bad as what the people of Gaza are dealing with. I'm burning myself out, and I cannot keep doing this, but it feels like I will be even more of a failure if I can't even reblog some posts. I'm thinking about taking a break for a while, but I can't help but feel so so so guilty and useless. I try to remind myself that just because other people are suffering, doesn't mean that my pain is any less valid, but honestly, how does what I'm dealing with even compare to war and genocide?

I just... I'm caught between a lot of feelings. Any advice?

I understand that something like this can be difficult. And you just want to help people! That means you have a good heart. But, you must take some things into account. For one, many of these accounts leaving asks in inboxes have been called out for being scams and liars, using people’s suffering as a front to get money for themselves.

It is very sad that we cannot help everyone, or that we cannot even trust everyone. And if this is taking a true toll on your mental health, in the end, you have to understand that you can’t help everyone. You are one person on the internet full of people who want to manipulate your good heart. So, what I can recommend you do is turning off you ask box for a while. I know it makes you feel like you’re giving up on people’s pain, but your pain is also equally as valid.

You are strong, anon. Take this beautiful flower and rest for a bit 🌼

[vent-and-advice]

Hello there, I’ve made some horrible mistakes and it caused me to unintentionally hurt people and lose a lot of friends. This is going to be all over the place and I apologize for that. This all started on Discord. I’m a huge fan of Thomas Sanders. He changed my life in a lot of ways because he inspired me to be a better version of myself. Thomas is so full of life, energy, and enthusiasm. He’s kind, sweet, loving, affectionate, caring, and has the heart of gold. He’s very genuine, open, honest, and real. He touched so many lives, he’s an inspiration to so many people. I was on Discord and I was in a bunch of Sander Sides servers, I made friends with a lot of people and it was fun interacting with others and sharing our love for Thomas and his characters that are called “The Sander Sides” and everyone were very welcoming and sweet towards me! A lot of Fanders made videos for Thomas wishing him a happy birthday, anniversary, or just showing their appreciation towards him, and that’s what got me inspired to collaborate with a group of friends and make a video wishing Thomas a happy birthday. One of them decided to create a server because it’ll be easier for everyone to discuss what kind of videos, edits, fanart, and cosplays they want to do. So everyone can submit their creations and I added all of our creations into one video, edited it, posted it my YouTube channel, and Thomas reacted to it! He brought all of us together and the collaboration made us even more closer. We weren’t doing this to fanboy, fangirl, get a famous person to notice us or 15 minutes of fame. We did this out of the kindness of our hearts because this man truly touched our hearts.

The server wasn’t just about Thomas Sanders and video collaborations. It’s also a safe space for those that are going through difficult times such as homophobia, transphobia, abuse, and any sort of discrimination. A lot of members on the server are LGBTQ+. Their parents are not supportive and they are mistreated for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, pansexual, etc. My heart was bleeding for them because they deserve to be treated with love, care, compassion, and respect. My co-owner decided to become the server dad because of it and we were becoming a close-knit family already. I asked if I can be the server mom because I have that motherly and nurturing personality. I don’t have any kids in real life but like I said before, I have that motherly and nurturing personality. I’m a shoulder to cry on, ear to listen, and hand to hold. I always encourage people and make them feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and happy. So, it was a natural calling to me. I literally tell people this “If your parents don’t support you for being gay or if they abuse you, I’m your new mom now.” The co-owner said yes and I was happy. They’re 18, polyamorous and dating two different people. I’m 26 and a heterosexual. I’m one of the oldest members of the server. The majority of the members are teenagers ages 15, 16, 18, and 19. Everyone was happy to have new parents that finally loved, accepted, respected and understood them. It brought all of us closer together. Everyone called us “Mom and Dad.” Everyone had a family role too. We had server aunts, uncles, sons, and daughters. Because of the age gap, I thought it would be weird for us to be server husband and wife because again, I’m 26 and they’re 18. One day, they gave me the role to be their server wife and I figured as long as they’re comfortable with it, I’ll accept and I gave them the role to be my server husband. It wasn’t meant to be taken literal because we don’t have feelings for each other and I wouldn’t date anyone who’s 18 or 19. It was just for the family dynamic. We called each other “Wifey and “Hubs/Hubby.” One of his partners was a member of the server and he was okay with it and he called me ��Mom” also. We all called each other nicknames out of endearment. I called one of my friends “Kitten” and I didn’t know that it was inappropriate to call people. I was saying it in a motherly way for example a mother cat and all of her kittens. One person said “Kitten” and I explained that it was my way of saying sweetie, my dear, dear, and darling and the person I called that understood and told me they were cool with it. They never told me they weren’t comfortable being called that. Not on the server or a DM. Nobody on the server educated me or explained whey calling people “Kitten” is inappropriate either.

One day the co-owner messaged me, venting to me about their personal struggles and I was trying to encourage them but they wouldn’t listen to my advice. They told me that they valued his partners more than me as a friend and that’s the day I made a terrible decision. I overreacted and told them that I felt like my heart was stomped on, it felt like a kick in the throat, I was thrown into the dirt because I’ve done a lot for them and everyone else in the server. I guilt-tripped him and that was very rotten of me to do. One day he told me to stop calling him “Hubs” asked me to message him privately and he told me he wanted to take a break from the dad role. They told me they were hurt about those awful things I said. They also said that I seem to be clingy too. I respected their decision but I asked them are we no longer going to be a family because I didn’t understand the sudden change. I was pressuring and forcing them to be in a family dynamic they were no longer comfortable with. I felt horrible for the way I spoke to him, I took full responsibility for my actions, held myself accountable, and took ownership of my mistakes. Days later we made amends but they told one someone about the situation and they posted a thread about it on Twitter and I was accused of grooming minors, being inappropriate, and manipulating them. That wasn’t the case at all. They also mentioned the “Kitten” thing too. They said that I kept calling individuals kittens despite them telling me they were uncomfortable, but they never did. I only called one person that and they never told me that they were uncomfortable. I found out they were too scared to message me and tell that they were uncomfortable. There’s more but I don’t think I can fit everything into this. Everyone unfriended and blocked me. I had no idea what was going on because I thought me and co-owner made amends and I was working on learning healthier boundaries and trying to recenter myself. I was messaging our mutual friends constantly and daily because I went into a panic and I had no idea what was going on until I saw the thread on Twitter and the post on Instagram. It wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone because I would NEVER treat a child that way. Everyone called me a groomer, predator, and I was even told that I should register as a sex offender. The person I called “Kitten” didn’t give me the chance to apologize to them because they unfriended and blocked me. All I tried to do was be there for those in need and make everyone happy, not hurt them. Everyone hates me, and I feel like they’re going to tell Thomas about the situation and make him hate me too. I’ll never get to meet him one day because if I do, people will probably say “There goes that groomer over there!” All of this happened last month in June. I’m consumed with anxiety. I feel unloved, unwanted. I really need your advice because this has been weighing on me for too long.

Oh dear, this sounds complicated. Take a deep breath, drink some calming tea, and let's think about this.

So, you messed up. That's ok, everyone does. But you have to understand that people who aren't willing to hear your side of the story and make baseless accusations against you are never truly worth it in the end. I recommend saying your piece to these people and letting them choose to do with what you have said. And, I recommend also taking a break from online spaces in general. Being the constant shoulder to cry on in vent Discords may feel like an honor, but being responsible for the mental health of so many people can consume one with anxiety. Take some 'me time' to sort everything out.

And all that matters is you know who you are, and I know you'll find the people who will be able to judge your character as it is as well.

Now take this flower my friend and go off. Everything will be ok. You will be ok. You've got this. 🌺

[vent-and-advice]

Howdy, I'm coming here because I fear some of my actions may end up hurting my relationships with people close to me

Long story short, I have horrible abandonment anxiety and rejection anxiety, and it can be triggered by quite literally anything my brain even briefly considers rejection/abandonment.

This problem has been cropping up very recently and I'm getting very concerned that it's going to cause problems. Two of my closest (and practically only) friends are dating and, a lot of times, want alone time (as couples do), a lot of times hanging out in a social game we play together. The problem with that is that I was friends with them before they were dating, and because of that my brain registers them wanting alone time as them to ditch me and not wanting me around (despite the fact that is a completely unfounded claim). It's to the point where them turning me away has sent me into borderline panic attacks.

I just want to stop doing this. It's annoying and selfish, and makes me feel like a horrible person. Any Advice?

That certainly sounds so frustrating! Lemme give you a bee hug!

Now, this is what I recommend doing:

Try to communicate the way your feeling. I know it may sound scary, but life is full of things that can only be solved via communication. The longer you let it fester, the more it's going to hurt. So, try psyching yourself up! Pep talk in the mirror! A small jog while you practice what you want to say!

And then, tell your friends you have something you need to tell them. Try to remain a tad light hearted, but still be earnest. Be truthful. Be yourself.

Together, I'm sure you all can try and find ways to work out your friendships.

My dear human, I know you can do this. I gift you this flower of luck! 🌸

[vent-and-advice]

how do I stop being so dependent and obsessive I feel like I’m pushing people away because I keep relying on them because I keep feeling out of control and they just help me feel in control of my emotions and it feels akin to an addiction and I think they’re going to hate me if they know and I actually feel like I’d die without them. I’ve been trying to keep it all inside so they don’t feel uncomfortable and I don’t hurt them but I don’t want to feel this way anymore

Oh dear. I am so sorry, friend. Just know, a true friend would never hate you for something like this. Merely be concerned.

As for how to deal with it, I'd say take some time to yourself. Find yourself, understand yourself! What are your hobbies? Take some time with those! Meditation is also very good for this! Have a date with yourself, in a way. And do this often! Perhaps once every week! Or you can do things that bring a sense of accomplishment! Like knocking things off your chores list!

Dear human, I wish you the very best of luck!! 🌷

[vent-and-advice]

So I recently had a conversation with a friend about some past experiences that I don’t usually talk about because when I do I feel like I’m being whiny and complaining. Basically I had been told since grade school (I think like 7-8 years old) not to tell anyone abt my family’s belief system bc my parents told me that it could get me bullied or our family harassed, (since I’m on anon I’ll just say it was because we’re all some form of atheist) and when I was in middle school later I had a kid tell me he’d “save” me after being up that I used to cut myself and he said he had some gospel to play and I kept telling him I don’t want to hear it and telling him not to play it but he did it anyway and it made me uncomfortable and upset and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for months and I still remember it. When I told my friend I insisted it was probably just petty because in my mind most people have been through way worse and that was a drop in the ocean in comparison so it shouldn’t affect me. But he kept saying that my upset was valid and now I don’t know what to think because when it comes to trauma I know that it’s essentially if there are signs and symptoms then there’s trauma but it just makes me feel bad because I feel over sensitive that I can end up with signs of trauma over something so petty. I get uncomfortable around people who are Christians due to this and I can get really angry over mentions of preaching and have a lot of resentment and mistrust of Christianity in general to the point where it’s hard for me to maintain relationships with people I know are Christian and I don’t want to seem prejudiced or rude towards them. I just feel like something petty happened and my brain is so messed up that it overreacted and this shouldn’t cause signs of trauma when I know it did.

Oh dear me! That sounds awful!!

Dr. Amanda is actually Christian! Catholic to be specific. Just know, Christians who make you feel like this aren’t truly living out what God has told them to live. It shouldn’t be based around guilt and shame and fear. It’s a religion that is meant to be rooted in love. Sadly that somehow seems to fly over people’s heads!! (Get it? Fly? Because I’m a bee and I can fly? Haha!)

There are many Christians and religious people out there who understand what their religion truly means. I can promise you that. Don’t completely close yourself off to them because that could ruin so many opportunities for future good relationships! Of course, if there is a Christian you come across who is toxic, guilt tripping you, all those classic hallmarks, then you don’t have to stay around them! Religion is a very private thing and no one has the right to try and invade into one’s personal beliefs. But often times, like that kid you told me about, it does come from a true passion of what it is they’re preaching. I do think that kid was trying to help, and seeing as how he was young as well, his religion, which he clearly loved, was the only way he knew he could offer help in a time when he saw you were struggling!

Anon, I understand that this is a very difficult topic, and I’m sure it was hard writing this. And for your strength, I offer you a freshly pollinated flower! 🌹

[vent-and-advice]

hey I just don’t know where else to put this I just feel like I’m getting so much worse.

I’ve known something was wrong since I was about 7 and I’m 17 (turning 18 in November) now. I just feel like I’m spiraling downhill and I’m worried that by the time I feel safe to reach out for help as right now I’d need to go through my parents to get said help and considering the symptoms I have and the way my mom has talked about people with said symptoms I don’t feel safe reaching out right now, I just feel like once I can get help without informing them I’ll need a god damn hospital. I’ve repeatedly nearly relapsed into self harm and straight up relapsed into self harm multiple times, and today it just feels like I’m reaching a new low. I don’t mind when people hurt me. Like one time a friend kicked me as a joke and ended kicking much harder than intended and I just didn’t care. With the future approaching like this and knowing the current economy I’ve been suicidal since sophomore year and a bit of freshman year and eighth grade. It got a little better since I made some new friends but it just dipped today and during gym I just thought to myself that it’d be nice if I fainted and hit my head hard enough to die. I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be enough to live this life. I feel like I was supposed to be the healthy and capable one in my family who would go on to accomplish a lot and give back a lot but now I can’t. I just can’t and I feel like I’ll probably die at 30 now bc I’ll either die of the elements, illness, or ill just fucking kill myself. I also just feel like I’m a bad friend. I got a new friend group recently and we did leave one person bc she was really draining to us and one person isn’t in the group bc he didn’t get along with two other people (I’m still friends with him) but now it seems like another person is leaving now bc he doesn’t like me and had a confrontation with the other person. Now it feels like I mostly just have this one person to hang onto and I feel like I shouldn’t be as attached as I am. I just feel like losing him is a last straw. If I do I’d kill myself. I just feel like I can’t ever give him a reason to leave me and I just shape myself to meet his needs and wants and never tell him anything about me that he wouldn’t like, because frankly, I’d die if he wasn’t part of my life anymore. But now I feel like because I’m so attached I’m a bad friend because I shouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to upset him and he’s already dealt with obsessive and toxic people and I don’t want to be like those people. It’s just becoming too much and I’m afraid I’ll reach a breaking point soon and I don’t know what to do.

Woah there, friend. First, take a nice flower. It smells lovely 🪻

Now, seems you’re dealing with a lot. First questions you’ve gotta ask yourself. Why are you afraid to reach out? People who love you will want to help! If you feel like it’s not safe to reach out to a certain person, think:

•Can I reach out to my parents?

•Teacher you can trust or guidance counselor

•In an extreme circumstance, a suicide hotline.

As for the you not caring if people hurt you thing, I believe it may stem from a lack of self love! Some good ways to self reflect is doing small things and enjoying this world. Flower picking and picnics are a great way to get some nice sunlight and being outside actually helps a lot with mental health!

Are there any clubs you can join? Group retreats? Maybe even picking up a little hobby! Dr. Amanda used to do Chess Club, which is where she made a lot of friends!

And most important of all is to pinpoint your emotions! Not always can we figure out why we feel this way or what it is we’re even feeling. But sometimes writing it down can really help you get close! Maybe start journaling your emotions and, if you’re comfortable, show it to your school’s guidance counselor and say that that is how you’re feeling.

Here are some journaling ideas:

•What you did today

•What you want to do tomorrow

•Draw

•Try to describe things that make you uncomfortable

•Try to describe how you feel about the people in your life

•Try to describe how you feel about yourself

Next, look at yourself in the mirror. Like actually look at yourself. Every little imperfection that you may hate. Touch those little imperfections and smile and tell yourself that they’re beautiful. That you’re beautiful. You are a rose!

Practice self care. Bubble baths, meditating, exercise, and basic hygiene are all fantastic for your mental health. That friend of yours you mentioned? Maybe even invite them to go to the gym with you or just to meditate with you! Tell them you’re trying to heal and you need someone to lean on a bit for support. And after a while, try doing those things yourself to become more independent.

My dear two legged friend. You are not a mere flower. You are a whole bouquet 💐

I know you can do this. I am your little friend, Bee, and I love you! 🐝

[vent-and-advice]

Hi, so I (22f) have been going to therapy for about 3 years now and overall it’s really helped me get through some difficult times. Recently, however, I asked my therapist if, based on what I’d told her, she thought my mom was a narcissist. Unsurprisingly, she said yes. What she said next really shocked me, however - she said my dad was an ‘enabler parent’. I didn’t really understand the significance of that until I got home and googled the term. And he is one. This man who I’ve always thought of as the somewhat more rational parent is actually just as bad as my mother - he never, under no circumstances, would stand up for me when she finds a way to insult me and instead comes home late from work and gets copiously drunk. I’ve begged him to divorce her before, but every time he’s just made me feel like a bad child for even wanting such a thing.

For the last few years I’ve been studying a law degree and my grades are great (I’m a perfectionist, so they have to be). I’ve been living at home all this time because my parents convinced me to go to a local university, but this is my final year and I’m really struggling with them. My mother’s comments are getting worse everyday and I’ve finally realised that my dad will never care enough to do anything to protect me - if anything, he’ll just tell me I’m being oversensitive and keep drinking even though I have begged him to keep alcohol out of the house (because it also makes my mother a nightmare). I need to hang on for this year, but all of my friends have left my country and I’m just feeling so alone. My dad is also in control of my money and I need him to study my masters degree next year to get out of this country and away from them. I need to keep up apparences to stay in their good books but I’m just so, so tired of living in this home and having to deal with their shit.

Any tips on how to make it to next year? I apologise if this was long.

First off anon, take a hug!

Second off, if possible, spend some more time with a friend or any other positive influence. Get away from the toxic environment and the bad comments. Being surrounded with positivity will definitely help with boosting motivation and comments! Take some time to focus on hobbies and try to balance out your school time and you time! (Alarms are perfect for this!) Focusing all your time on school and school alone is going to make you burnt out and have your grades suffer in the end. Also, talk with your professors about what you should do! Helping their students succeed is their job!

I wish you the best of luck anon. Remember. You deserve happiness! 🌷🐝

[vent-and-advice]

There’s one thing I’d like you all to do. Think of a scenario or situation, anything. Maybe even ask some friends to help you come up with some. And then I want you to sort it into two categories:

•I’d be fine if this happened or

•I would not be comfortable in this situation

Think long and hard about each one too!

Afterwards, look at the ones in the second category and come up with ideas on how you would handle that situation.

Practice self confidence and learning to stand up for yourself. Practice boundaries!

[vent-and-advice]

Self-Care Week Challenge

Monday: Pick up a book or pull up an audiobook and go outside to read or listen. Maybe for around an hour! I’ve already explained why reading and being outside is good for you!

Tuesday: Treat yourself to a bubble bath. (Maybe even be a little mischievous and bring some chocolates to snack on)

Wednesday: On your palms and the back of your hands, write things you love about yourself. And then ask your friends things they love about you and write their comments on your knees!

Thursday: Go out for a walk! Even if it’s a short one, getting that blood flowing is always great for your mental health!

Friday: Ohohoho, it’s the end of the week days. Perhaps treat yourself with some ice cream before dinner?

Saturday: Try something new! Maybe a new recipe or a new drawing technique.

Sunday: Wowee, what a long week that was. Yknow what you need? A nap.

[vent-and-advice]

Boundaries

Establish your boundaries, not only to others, but also yourself!

Think:

Where am I ok with people touching me? Who does that person have to be for it to be ok? How do I make it clear to that person that these are my boundaries?

If you need help to figure out these boundaries, use this chart!

Take care of yourself and your body. Don’t let anyone feel they have a sense of control over your body.

[vent-and-advice]

Do you do any of these? @thoughtstherapy

[vent-and-advice]

@thoughtstherapy

[vent-and-advice]

According to Google, these are the most calming songs

[vent-and-advice]

Comfort dishes!

Buttermilk pie. Yum!

Buttermilk biscuits! So delicious for breakfast!

Chicken Florentine. So goooood!

Chicken and dumplings! Great for a rainy day!

Honey cake? I’ll let you borrow some of my honey!

Can’t go wrong with some homemade mac and cheese!

Sloppy Joe. Fun meal!

[vent-and-advice]

Reading? I love reading!

Reading has so many benefits psychologically!

Empathy is increased when you read, so you’re better able to understand other people’s thoughts and emotions! That’s why it’s especially good for young kids to read!

Also, since reading keeps your brain constantly active, it increases your brain mental AND emotional fitness!!

Reading also reduces stress! Laying back, unwinding to read a book? So destressful.. Dr. Amanda loves to read in her office 10 minutes after every work day!

It… helps you live longer?! Now this study is still new, but there’s a theory that people who read live longer! Hurray! Dr. Amanda will live forever!

It also prevents cognitive decline, meaning the likelihood of you having really bad memory when your older will be lessened!

It also helps you get sleepy.. man I’m sleepy right now.. maybe I should read something to help me get ready for bed… good night! And be sure to drink plenty of water before going to bed!