thoughtsfeelingsjustblah

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

11/7/19

I want to know why i’m staying so sleepy, most days. I want to know what’s causing this dizziness. I really want to know what is causing the lap beside the bed to slightly move back and forth ALL day long, I can’t figure it out. Very odd. lol

But, back to what I was saying.. So many days I stay sleepy, need a nap. This is the second time in a row that I needed a nap and felt exhausted even after I woke up. Then, i’ve been getting pretty bad dizzy spells for at least a week. Standing up, sitting down, even while laying down, completely still. I had unexplained vertigo issues when I was like 18 or 19 for a while. Maybe it’s back?

We have a girls trip planned for Saturday. Me, Crystal, Dena and Cassie. Going to see Cassies friend then to the casino. Excited about it. :) Tomorrow is a small games night. Crystal, Cassie and Kristy are coming over for a couple hours. 

I hope i’mm not feeling like this over the weekend. 

I should be folding laundry, finish organizing the bedroom, etc........ Ugh. Sleep is all I want. I didn’t donate plasma today, going to have to do it early tomorrow. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

11/4/2019

Already November! Time flies. It has been a good year though. I’ve felt more social and started making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, planning events and parties. I love to host parties. Would give anything to have a bigger house. This one is a little cramped. VERY cramped when I invite most of my friends over at the same time. lol 

Anyway, i’ve really enjoyed getting back to my social self. When I was my teens, I loved parties, and loved hosting parties even more! I got with Nathan when I was 20 and he wasn’t a partier all that much. I settled down, practically turned into a recluse, and lived that way for about 10 years. I let go of all my party friends, because I was trying to get out of that lifestyle. 

I became the crazy cat lady from being the fun party girl. lol I took in way too many cats than I could honestly take care of. Dogs, too. Got into animal rescue, though I ended up keeping most of them. My house was impossible to keep nice or even clean really, with that many animals. I fell into a depression, which caused me to recluse even more. My bipolar seems to have gotten worse. I was in a rut for years.

My oldest brother died in 2010. I started wanting to get away, to drink and just forget. And that’s what I did. (went really wild as a teenager after my Dad died when I was in my teens. My coping mechanism I suppose. Then, I met Jerry not long after my brother died and we became really close. He was my best friend for 2-3 years, until we tried to date and I realized he was a manipulative, controling, abusive asshole. Then, I started going out even more after that break up. After my Mom died, I didn’t go completely wild. Maybe it was because I was living alone in my clean, comfortable home. More stable. I did meet Mark not long after she passed, and did impulsively go out of town to meet him for the first time, in the middle of the night after I left a bar. lol So, maybe I went a little crazy. Turned out for the best, though.

Birthdays in November... I need to remember to send a card to my cousin Alissa, I always forget. Then, i’m seeing if James is busy next week, it’s his birthday. He’s alone and he did something special for Mark’s birthday. Brought him really nice cupcakes from a bakery. So I really want to do something for him. If he’s not already planned anything, i’ll ask him if there is anyone he’d want to invite. I just found out that Cassie’s birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, so I need to get her a cake. I hope i’m not leaving anyone out for November birthdays. 

I’ve got to do something about my weight. I  take pictures, from an upper left angle (except most aren’t extreme angles anymore), and I love the way I look. I feel so pretty, from my pictures. But then, I see myself in the mirror and i’m often disappointed. I see myself in a picture someone takes of me, and my day is ruined. I end up in tears and feel huge, ugly, like a freaking monster. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I know i’d be so much prettier, even with just 50-60 pounds gone. If I lost 100, i’d probably never leave the mirror! lmao No, but I would be happy with pictures people take and my self confidence would be through the roof.

It’s a shame that i’ve wasted all these years being fat and having nearly 0 self esteem. Now, if I lose weight.....i’ll be starting the aging process. About to turn 40. I wasted my youthful, pretty years. 

But HOW am I going to lose this weight? It’s so hard. Some of my health conditions cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose it. Some of my meds do the same thing. I’ve had a couple doctors trying to get me to go off the meds, but I won’t do it. They are my psychiatric meds, and I NEED them! Nope, nope, nope. I’ve been craving soda and drinking way too much of it this past week. That’s not going to help matters. I’m going to have to cut down on soda intake and watch what I eat, a bit more than I  do now. And, I need to get active. Not just for weight loss, for my diabetes too. Really need to start going to swim at the ymca 2-3 mornings per week, at least. And, sometime on most weekends, since it’s the only time Nathan can go. Would also like to starting waking at 6am and go for a walk. The walks will be super short for a while, because at this size it kills my lower back and legs. But, anything is better than nothing. I hope I can get into a better routine.

I’d so love to lose 50 pounds by Summer, when we go back to Wyoming and to the beach. Confidence, I need it back. 

I need to clean this room today, it’s a complete disaster. Trying to get Mark to help me. It will be nice to be able to walk through the room normally. To have my side table cleared and organized. Be able to organize and decorate my makeup table, be able to access and organize my jewelry again! I feel chaotic in my mind when things are out of place. My problem, i’m a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. And thats hard to do now that i’m not living alone. So, when it’s not perfect I lack the motivation to clean. Complicated.

I WANT MY HOME 100% ORGANIZED!!!!!

I had all rooms organized a while back. Perfectly. Except the bedroom. But people want to leave stuff laying around and/or put things in the wrong places. Leaving me to have to get up the motivation to do it all over again! Oh, not to mention people leaving trash laying around. My biggest pet peeve! 

I wonder what really happens when you die. People are always saying they will see their loved ones again one day - but how do we really know that? It seems like wishful thinking. Something will tell ourselves to make death feel a little less permanent. I mean, i’d love for it to be true. But noone truly knows. I guess it IS a comfort to tell yourself that. But what if death is just death. Nothingness. You just no longer exist? What if everyone who dies is trapped on Earth for eternity. Purgatory. Or hell....punished for all of our “sins”. Because EVERYONE sins at some point, nobody is perfect.

I wonder the same about God. How do we really know there IS a God? How? We pray, and most of our prayers remain unanswered. Did someone just make up God and Christianity to make themselves and some others feel better? Feel not alone. 

I lean more toward Wicca in my beliefs. But even still, how do we know the Goddess/Gods even exist? I don’t know. Just something I was thinking about.

Speaking of which, I was talking to my brother Neil the other day. We had a great, long conversation. I didn’t want to get off the phone. EVEN during the “Rhonda” part of the conversation (long story, may blog about it another time). lol One thing in our convo that stood out.. He told me that my Mom told him she was a witch. She practiced withcraft a little before I was born. I don’t remember her ever telling me that. She did tell me about a couple witches back in the family bloodline, though. I feel i’m a natural born witch. Strange things have happened, i’m had visions that come true. Dreams and nightmares that later actually happened. I’ve been drawn to witchcraft my entire life. 

I tried Christianity. I really did. But it never felt right. But i’ve hidden my beliefs for years and will probably continue to do so for the most part, living in this area. After talking to a few friends about, i’m surprised to find people accepting of it and some even interested/consider themselves a witch or Wiccan.

I’ve been even more interested in witchcraft and Wicca after meeting another witch. She’s a natural born witch, too, not someone who converted to the religion. We have a strong, spiritual bond. I’ve been embracing my spirituality a bit more lately. I feel like i’m not so alone in my beliefs. 

I like to believe there IS a higher power. I just don’t know exactly what I believe. 

I’m getting tired of blogging at the moment, will be ending this in a second. Still have things running through my mind, just tired of typing. lol I think i’ve been in  mild manic state for quite a while. It’s better than depression at least. Ok, I have a little more to blog about after all. lol

I need to figure out what i’m doing (lawyer or not) and file for disability again. Being married, i’d only get $400.....but there is a lot I can do with $400 that I currently do not have. I’ve been donating plasma to have a little spending cash. And I would probably continue even if I get approved for SSI, it’s a good thing to do, and hey, extra money, ya know? But with $400 a month, I could buy some clothes and decent thing that I want but can’t afford right now. Save what I can save. Have an emergency savings, which I so desperately need.

I was thinking the other day about our neighbors. They are awesome. Danny is a good guy, a good friend. The neighbors on the other side seem like really good people. They even surprised us by mowing our lawn once while we were away. I want to make something. Banana bread, a cake, maybe cookies and give them to both neighbors. Show them that we appreciate them. Good neighbors are a blessing, we are lucky. We have neighbors a couple house down that seem cool, too. They are different. Unique. I guess kinda alternative or punk style. I’m wanting to invite them to one of our get togethers soon.

Not sure if we’ll be having a get together this weekend. If everything goes as planned, Cassie, Dena, Crystal and I will be going to Cherokee NC Saturday. Cassie wants to meet a guy she knows online. It will be fun, if it works out for us to go. :) If we get back in time, may drink a lil Saturday night. Or maybe not. Idk. I think the guys plan to have a friend or two over while we’re gone. Guys night and girls road trip. lol I may see if Cassie would wanna let her brother Matt stay here with the guys, so it’s truly a girls trip. That, and I think it would fun for Matt. He’s young, but that doesn’t matter, they could play video games or just whatever.

Then, Sunday, we (Me, Mark, Nathan, Crystal and Sierra) or making another road trip, to go see my brother. I want to see him, it’s been a while, and at the same time, I want him to meet Crystal. I told him about her, and about the feelings and things, the other day. He was shocked, never had a clue that I was bicurious. lol He’s supportive of it, though. 

Mark’s tried to be supportive too. It’s a little different for him. And we talked, he has been worried that i’d completely fall for her and leave him. That’s not going to happen. It’s not a one or the other kind of situation.

I was cuddly with him in bed yesterday morning, and I asked him if he’d be more ok with it if he was a part of it, if and when it ever turns physical. But he’s only with me. If I ever had an actual threesome, i’d likely lose feelings for him. That;’s what happened with the last time a boyfriend and I had a threesome. That was with two guys, never had a girl/girl/guy threesome. But, I broke up with him right after. I don’t know why my feeling changed. But I do NOT want that to happen with him. He treats me so well, he amazing. What worries me, if he is involved at all, even just participating with me only, will that change my feelings for him, too. I really don’t know. For the most part, my feelings are like a light switch that I have control over. On/off. 

Now let me add.............IF I were to feel comfortable with him being there, Crystal would be the one to make the final decision. It depends on what she’s comfortable with. I still don’t even know how I feel about it. If we go there, I kinda wanted it to be just her and I. I want it to be pure an special. She means a lot to me. With a guy, I like rough and wild sex. But I feel that if I were ever to be with her in that way, i’d want it to be a little different.

Now, that’s IF we ever explore the physical side of things. I am curious about it, and I honestly think i’d better good at it. I’m a very oral person. But I don’t know if it may feel......awkward? I don’t think it would be, as close as we are. I don’t even know how she feels about going there. I don’t know how I feel completely either. I’m thinking I may be comfortable with it at some point. But, at this point, i’m content with the way things are. Spending time together, holding hands, a little kiss here and there. It’s new to me, and new to her, but it feels right. 

If/when we ever do... I think it would be nice to go in together on a nice hotel room. One with a jaccuzi tub would be a nice touch. Flowers on the nightstand, rose petals on the bed, champagne with strawberries, candles, soft music. I want a special, romantic night. And if we get there and we chicken out (lol) on making love, we could still cuddle and enjoy the room, spend time alone. I’d miss Mark for the night, but it would only be one night. I strongly prefer our first time to be just US. As far as after that, still undecided. 

In one way, it would be nice to involve him. It’s one of his fantasies, I believe and truthfully i’ve had threesome fantasies before. Though, with us it wouldn’t be an actual threesome. It would be she and I and him and I. I’m just afraid it will change my feelings somehow. But I feel so close to both of them, it might still feel special with both of them, idk. I don’t want him to feel left out, pushed away. This is just complicated as crap! Oh well, we will figure it out in time. 

I want to plan a romantic hotel night with Mark sometime, too. I’ve been wanting that for so long. I always hoped he would plan something like that for me. I guess i’ll be the one planning it. Would be more special if he did, though. Nathan even offered to pay for the room for us at one point. Which was sweet and surprising. Wish when I was with Nathan he would have done that kind of thing for me more often. I remember getting jacuzzi sweet one time, but i’m pretty sure it was my idea? Not totally sure.

I wish Nathan had been more affectionate with me back when we were together. I don’t think we would have fallen apart the way we did. (BUT, I wouldn’t have met Mark, so I do believe things happen for a reason). He was never very affectionate, he never caressed my skin, tickled my back or anything unless I asked. And even then, could tell he didn’t want to and would conveniently fall asleep while doing so. lol 

Mark, he’s very affectionate. He’s often wanting to hold my hand or cuddle, or both. Kisses, caresses, often without being asked. He likes to rub my butt..lol Makes me feel wanted. He’s an amazing guy, I love him so much. He’s the only guy i’ve been with who is that affectionate, other than my first fiance when I was 17. I loved how affectionate he was, but he turned into an abusive jerk. Mark, he’s never been abusive toward me, he hardly even gets angry at me, doesn’t yell at me. I hit him at one point, unfortunately, and he didn’t hit me back. We really don’t even fight. We rarely get a little aggravated at each other. And it’s already been 5 years. 

I feel bad about the way things happened with Nathan. I didn’t treat him the way I wished I had. I was pretty good to him, but not good enough. We had our problems. And then his lack of affection made me feel more like we were friends than lovers. I am happy that he’s still in my life, and hope he always will be. But I do wish I could go back and fix a few things. I had a hard time handling emotions and stress, I was not being treated for my bipolar, so that didn’t help. All those animals kept us stressed, that was a huge mistake. 

Mark keeps falling asleep, I wonder why he’s so tired today. Hope he’s not getting sick. I planned to donate today, but I think i’m going to do it Tues an Thurs instead. Need the money though, there is a pretty white floral dress I want, it’ like $22, a good deal. I figure it would be a good dress to wear for Easter. Yes, I tend to plan way ahead. lol But, it’s so pretty. 

I got my black hair dye last night. I and re-doing the underneath black, and maybe put a few streaks throughout. But, my roots are already showing, so i’m probably going to wait until I recolor with red. I got a really light blonde for Sierra’s highlights and burgundy for underneath. If her grandma sees it, she will bitch like she did last time. lol I personally think it looks good! 

Alright, this time i’m really going to go. lol Will blog again soon! :)

  \

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/25/19

I need to start writing blog/journal entries more often. Blogging helped me through some stressful times. Not that i’m very stressed at the moment, but it’s still nice to have a way to get everything out of your head. Being bipolar, I often have a million thoughts racing through my mind. Good and bad.

Looking forward to having the Halloween party tomorrow. Going to put dry ice in on of the empty vents, to make a steam effect. Got a black light for the living room and one for the dining room or hall, undecided. Got red and blue lights for the kitchen, dining room, and bathroom. Going for the dark effect, not bright lights. Hope people will see the toilet... lol Should be able to. 

Going to get some liquor tomorrow, the liquor cabinet is getting pretty empty lately. Need fireball, jaeger and tequila for shot. Probably more vodka and rum for mixed drinks. Making a rum punch, since I picked up a couple punch bowl sets. I’m thinking rum, coconut rum if cheap enough, orange juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice and a tiny bit of grapefruit juice. Add lemon lime soda, and there’s rum punch. My own recipe idea. The other one, stole the idea from the internet. Vodka, orange juice, pineapple juice and lemon lime soda. Maybe a small amount of moonshine for an extra kick. Then, hoping to get a couple cases of beer, wine coolers, twisted tea. 

I don’t know why, but i’ve been thinking about my Mom today. I was remembering how I felt the night that my brothers and I were given the news that something was found on her brain. Either a tumor or an aneurysm, and she refused to look into it to find out for sure. Then the doctor said with her age and health, it may be too risky to do any sort of surgery anyway. My heart sank. I knew the end was approaching. She lived a few years longer, but I continuously worried about losing her. Why does my mind put me through this? Revisiting memories i’d rather not revisit. Also, having dreams of her being alive and dying all over again. It’s like losing her again and again. The only positive thing about her passing is that I no longer worry constantly about losing her. It’s an odd feeling, and I feel weird saying that. 

ENOUGH of that. 

I’m kinda enjoy the cool weather of Fall this year. Sucks to let go of Summer, but really when I think about it, we had a really good and active Summer. and before we know it, it’ll be Spring again. Years fly by anymore. Sad really. Getting older is the only bad thing about it, I suppose. That why I like to live in the moment a lot. Live as much as I can while i’m relatively young. I think 39/40 is still young”ish”. 40, though. It feels weird getting close to turning 40. I just don’t feel 40, at all. Maybe i’m immature. And i’m fine with that. But I just don’t feel my age. I’m told I don’t look my age. But I fear that aging is going to one day catch up to me, all of a sudden. lol

I’ve made a couple new friends lately. One, I met through my friend Kristy. She seems pretty cool, and says she wants to hang out. But never comes to any of our get togethers. I guess she just wants to hang out one on one. She may be uncomfortable with crowds. Another friend, same thing, she seems uncomfortable with the whole crowd thing and wants to hang out just her and I, it seems. I get that to an extent. I’d probably feel awkward walking into a get together really knowing noone. I have done that, many years ago. But I don’t know if i’d do it now or not. Also met a couple that just moved here from up north. They seem cool. Thinking about inviting them to the party tomorrow, if they can get a sitter. 

I have to make those jello shots tonight. Orange screwdriver, maybe with vodka and strawberry daquiri. Also have to make hor duerves. Hoping to make deli pinwheels sandwiches, sausage balls, meat and cheese platter. Starting the pork carnitas tonight, letting them slow cook. Love those things, and it’s one of the easiest things to make for a crowd. Fairly economical, too. Nathan bought something that looks like an ice shot glass maker? Going to have to ask him to be sure. Ice shot glasses are cool, had a shot from one at the Ice Bar in Orlando. But I feel like people are going to not think and just set them down, creating a huge mess all over the place. lol Hoping not. Hoping they make their way to the sink. lol

I think I might invite the new couple to the party. I have to watch how many more people I invite. Already not going to have seating for everyone. As much as I love to entertain, I need a BIG house. lol But, I make do with what i’ve got. I’ve always loved hosting parties. One of the reasons I was excited to move to Virginia was to be near my Mom’s side of the family. I imagined having these big family dinner and cookouts. Got here and, nope! Noone wanted to come to anything I planned. So I stopped trying. I just got back into hosting parties, cookouts and get togethers within the last year. Have made some great new friends, reconnected with some old friends. Made a new very special friend. :)It’s been great. 

Speaking of a lot of people. I over invited for Thanksgiving. I invited too many people to be able to seat. Fingers crossed that the weather will be decent, and we can use two tables on the back porch for some of us. We should have plenty of food, just not enough seats. Me personally, I can sit on the floor. Others may not want to do that. 

We are trying to get the dining room set up today. I don’t think we will have it perfect by tomorrow, but i’m hoping it will be useable, anyway. I’d like to put the punch and jello shots on the small kitchen table and put all the food on the bigger dining room table. I can’t wait o have that room just the way I want it, decorated and all. I need to go through the boxes and bags in the basement that came from my old apartment. I have pictures and decorations that I didn’t have room for, they should go well in the dining room. Some of them, anyway. My little apartment was so cute, I miss it! I lived alone, so it was super easy to keep spotlessly clean, unlike it is here. This place is a dust magnet (I have dust allergies) and it’s hard to keep things in their place with other people living here. Erggh. 

I  don’t imagine anyone is going to read all this. lol I tend to ramble and write a lot, it just flows naturally. I’d love to try to write one day. A semi-anonymous life story, mostly just my childhood and dealing with a mentally ill mother and dysfunctional family. But, i’d like to try fiction, too. Start writing down my weird dreams and make a book out of it. lol 

Gonna stop rambling now, a lot to do! <3

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/3/19

Yesterday made 3 years ago that my stepdaughter’s mother accused my husband of some nasty bs and the following weeks were absolute hell. Enough about that, moving on. 

I haven’t given Crystal the link to this blog yet. I should though. There are some things I wrote in my last ridiculously long blog, that she should probably see. If she has the patience to read through all that stuff.

Camping this weekend. The last time of the year, the temperature is supposed to drop Monday. Night time temps, at least. The lady at the weight loss clinic said it’s supposed to rain. I checked, doesn’t say it will. Let’s hope not, because Mark and I weren’t planning to sleep in a tent. 

Went to the weight loss clinic today. Was so worried that i’d get a lecture for gaining weight. Didn’t want the lecture. Then, was relieved to see that I had actually LOST a pound. I get in there to talk to the nurse, and she lectures me that I should have lost more than that! Wtf?! Anyway, I bought some hypermelt to go along with my phentermine. It’s $25, but if it works it’s worth it! It has everything in it that I was wanting to take anyway.. garcinia cambogia, raspberry keytones, chromium, green tea, b12. It also has something in it, phenyl..something.. it helps with your mood, focus and is supposed to provide a sorta euphoria. I took one dose, and can really feel the energy so far. And, I got a lipovite injection. Going to try to get them weekly. 

I want and I need to lose this weight. Not only for my physical health, but for my sanity. My emotional well being. Mark is sweet, and so is Crystal....they both tell me i’m beautiful, trying to raise my self esteem. And I appreciate it so much. But, they don’t realize this, but they will actually like me better when i’m thinner. I’m a better person. I’m a happier, much more confident person. Less shy, more open, more fun to be around. With this weight, I feel trapped. Trapped inside a big body i’m not comfortable in. I find it hard to relax and be myself in most situations. I don’t feel like “me” at this size. Even 30 pounds ago, I felt a bit better. 50 pounds ago, a lot better! 100+ pounds lighter, I couldn’t imagine, it’s been so long ago! I remember having so much more confidence and being so happy, though. I couldn’t imagine how i’d feel if I lost 100 pounds or more.

To get to my big “goal” of 160, i’d need to lose about 150 pounds. That’s a lot of weight. I was a size 12 at 160 before. My goal may change as I lose. I may not want to get under 200, i’m not sure. Marks like some weight, and I like chubby too. I’ll figure it out when I lose more weight. My current goal is 250-260, and i’m 306 right now.

I got a couple cute dresses on clearance on walmart.com a few days ago. Wanted to wear one of them this weekend, when I thought we were having a little get together. Now that we are camping, im undecided. Maybe? I’ve been feeling like wearing dresses again. I used to wear them all the time. When I was thinner. Even just 50 pounds ago. 

Mark’s coming in here for bed, so i’ll end this blog entry for now. I think I might send the link to Crystal, she can decide whether she wants to read all or any of my last entry, below.. The only people who have access to this blog is myself, Mark and, soon, Crystal. I think my ex, Jerry, had access to it at one point. But I doubt he gets on here anymore. lol

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

Monday 9/16/2019

It’s been a while since I posted. Things are going pretty well here. My depression levelled off a long, long time ago and though i’ve felt some depression symptoms periodically, they were short lived. That’s a huge change, for someone who almost constantly lived with depression since she was 7. I often felt suicidal, or close to it. That also started at 7. I remember the day I first told someone, it was my brother Neil. He just told me everyone feels that way sometimes. Me personally, a child tells me, i’m going to take it seriously and get her help. Oh well, it’s whatever

The past 8 months or so, i’ve felt a lot more social and it’s been great!!  For years, I stayed to myself for the most part. I was really social in my teens. When I was twenty, I moved in with Nathan and secluded myself. It was almost completely just he and I. For years, I hardly socialized in real life, only online. I went out with a couple friends a few times here and there, but it was nothing like now. 

For several years, I rarely went out. I’d have little spurts of being social, like one summer that I spent a lot of time with Cloyie and Jessica, and Amber to an extent. Then, I got with Mark, and it was only me, him and Nathan again. I just didn’t make the effort to get out. To meet people. To strengthen old friendships. About 8 months ago, something in me just changed. I met my friend Kristy, and we started hanging out. Then, I met a few more friends, and we spent time together. My friends have made friends with each other, and we have some awesome get togethers! 

When I think about it, depression held me back. I always had more depressive episodes than manic. Though i’ve had my share of those as well. But, the depressive episodes could last for several months at a time. I’d seclude myself, stop talking to people, practically drop off the planet! Friends don’t understand. Most don’t, anyway. A lot of people just think you’re avoiding them or whatever. Kinda goes along with when my psychology instructor told me i’m aloof. Love her to death, I know she didn’t many anything by it, but that stuck with me - I wonder how many people think of me as cold, distant and aloof. I like to think i’m the furthest from that description.

I’m sampling Kratom, the Trainwreck strain, and I feel i’m a little more talky now than i have been lately. lol

Back on the aloof thing.. I wonder if people think that when i’m feeling shy and having anxiety, or when I have to be to myself for sometime. People’s first impression of me used to be that I was bitchy. Until they got to know me. Because of the shyness. I’d like to think i’ve moved past that a bit now.

I do have a weird need to be alone sometimes. In silence. When i���m around other people for an extended period of time, my mind feels overstimulated and I feel like I need to escape. Yes, even Mark. At home, I spend a lot of alone time in my room. It’s definitely nothing against him, I just need to be alone at times. I was really happy when I lived alone. And often kept it silent, no tv’s etc.. I need that alone time to feel spiritually fulfilled. To feel at peace. Labor day weekend, had a big cookout. It’s awesome! But twice, I was standing in my rather small living room/dining area and felt trapped. Anxiety shot up. I had to go back to my bedroom for a few minutes, both times, almost as if to recharge. It was odd. I love a big crowd, especially when it’s good friends, but my mind overstimulated. Sensory overload. I wish I knew what caused it. As a child, teachers, principals and a school nurse tried telling my Mom I was autistic. She would get angry over it. But, honestly, I have to wonder if I am on the spectrum, and just learned social skills. I truly did have to learn how to behave with people, how to be normal. Se;f taught. Some from reading things and some from observing people’s behavior. I was a mess as a child though, I wasn’t taught social skills at all.

Changing the subject a bit.. I’ve met someone whom has brought about feelings that i’m not used to. It’s a little confusing, and wonderful, at the same time. :) First, let me start with an explanation of my sexuality.. Ok.. I knew that I found some women attractive, even as a child. Certain types of breasts. Beautiful faces. A nice ass. lol I was never sure about my sexual preference. I admired women, but didn’t want to be with a woman....until somewhere in my late twenties or so I considered the idea. Still unsure. By the time I was 19, I had kissed a couple girls. Mostly for attention from boys at parties, i’ll be totally honest. I’m not like that now! I also had an experience that could be considered sexual experimentation when I was 16 or 17... I cheated on my boyfriend and had a hickey on my neck. One of my girls said, let’s all give each other hickies and tell the guys it was us. Which......sounds ridiculous to me as I type this. Extremely. lol But I went with it. I got nothing from it sexually, wasn’t turned on by it. 

I refused to experiment with bisexual friends over the year, just didn’t feel like it was my thing. The closest two women to call experimentation would be a woman name Virginia. I was 19 and she was 30ish. And Jessica. Whom I actually 10 years older. lol I’ll explain both situations...

First, Virginia. She was ok looking, tall, and a bit intimidating in looks and personality. And I don’t get intimidated easily. I was already really, really drunk. Had went a type of gay dance that raised money for aids research. I had a couple gay and bi friends. That night, a friend I cared about came up to me and told me that he just hound out he’s hiv+. That hit me hard and I started stress drinking. We were invited to an after party, and of course my drunk ass went. A guy had a BIG bottle of tequila. I asked for some. He kept passing it to me throughout the night. I was so gone. The host started hitting on me, then acted like she was going to try to fight me. I’d never lost a fight in the past, but as previously mentioned, she had an intimidating presence and as drunk as I was, any fighting would have been sloppy and probably resulted in me getting myself hurt. Then, two gay men got into a fight, I was trying to stop and and she pulled me aside and told me they do it all the time. Next thing, they were kissing. And I was like, wtf? lol Anyway, I remember watching a porn on tv.. Then, I had to go pee. This older trucker guy cornered me in the bathroom. He was trying to get with me, and I was scared to straight up say no, so I kept telling him some other time. He kept insisting no, right now, he’s on the road all the time. I had no plans of getting with him. EVER. I was just trying to talk myself of out the danger that I knew I had gotten myself into. Finally, Virginia (the same one who acted like she wanted to fight me) came along, and I clung to her the rest of the night. Which wasn’t long. I had to have been about 5am by that time. I was so scared to drive as trashed as I was, had noone I could call. I was stuck. Like I said, I clung to her, it felt like she was saving me from this 50 year old pervert. She told me I could sleep in her bed. And with all the crazy drunk guys in the living room, I felt safer that way. Then, trucker dude and this big black guy she was with came in the room. People passed out around the bed. And now it was us 4 in the bed. I remember it’s like in 3rd person, as if I weren’t there, and were watching in happen instead. I ended up basically having an orgy. Both guys. (I had had a threesome with two guys before, when I was 16. I liked it. It was not forced, I didn’t feel trapped - as I did this night) The most she and I did was hold hands and kissed. I stayed close to her, she was the only feeling of safety I had at that point. As soon as everyone snuck out, I drunkenly. and quickly, drove home. Virginia tried to text me several times after, she never heard from me again. And I rarely let myself think about that night. I did not want this night to happen, but “no” wasn’t worth it, and it was a very intimidating situation. This is the first in a long time, and the most detailed i’ve ever told anyone. Even though i’m only telling my blog. I have very few readers, I keep this blog very private. I remember when I told my asshole ex about it (Jerry),July 4th 2013, he got angry at me and called me a slut and told me it was my fault. Our relationship went down hill after that.

My second serious experience, more than just a simple silly kiss.. Was with Jessica. I will start with this... Jessica took care of herself when I first met her. I thought she was pretty. Had a little interest, but no plans to take it anywhere. I also didn’t realize she had a mental impairment at the time. I thought her speach impediment was a cajun or similar accent. Anyway, right after meeting her, I went to the beach with some friends at the time. She was one of the ones going. I can’t remember exactly how it started, but we did have a little chemistry. So, at some point, she kissed me. There were several kisses that week. She stayed by my side much of the time, which I didn’t know how I felt about that. My best guy friend was on the trip too, and we had talking about hooking up. So, the whole time, I was hoping he’s make a move and Jessica ended up making the moves. lol She was really sweet to me though. Surprised with with a bottle of liquor, roses, a necklace. We didn’t “get together”. Didn’t date, i’ve never dated a woman. Did really do anything sexual....other than one night she tried to finger me under the covers and I stopped her. I told her it was because someone else was in the room with us, and that was partly why. But still, I didn’t want it. The most we ever did after that was few kisses and one heated make out session, the most we did was grind on each other. I never went there again. We cuddled sometimes though, that was sweet. We haven’t kissed or anything like that in years. Met her in 2012.

After the beach trip. Jessica was VERY persistent and moving way too fast. I stopped talking to her, and she found every way she could to get in touch with me. The primary reason I stopped talking to her, I randomly got a text on my phone asking my permission to put a gps tracker on my phone, and the company said it came from her. Later, she insisted in wasn’t her, a friend got a hold of her phone. No. It was her. It took me a really long time to talk to her again, but I finally did. After that, I stopped talking to her for an extended period of time twice.. One time, she was getting too pushy, getting frustrated when I didn’t share the feeling she had and frankly was behaving possessive and obsessive. Then next time, and it was the final time.. It was not long after I started dating Mark. She continued to “jokingly” call me hers, and I can’t remember specifically how it happened.....but she got psycho pissed at me. Wanted a Christmas gift back (which I smashed before leaving it in front of her house), texted Mark accusing I cheated on him and all this other bs. She contacted friends, trying to start shit between us. I blocked her, and it was a very long before I spoke to her again. And when I did, I promised her if it EVER happened again, our friendship is through permanently. For years, I haven’t had a problem. She still flirts with me. Year ago, I did playfully kiss her a couple times. But that’s all it was though. I don’t mind her flirting, as long as she doesn’t take it too far. And things have been good sense. 

We’re not close like we used to be, though. She refers to herself as my best friend. I feel awkward and don’t correct it. She my have problems, and hasn’t been the best friend, but I do care about her and consider her a good friends. Never a best friend though. I haven’t had a TRUE best friend since my friendship ended with Amanda at 16-17. We were super close, met when I was 11. I’ve never been that close to a female since. I never had any sort of attraction for her though,  she was just my best friend. I’ve wanted that closeness sense, never bonded with anyone after her though. Tried. Just didn’t feel it. 

I’m taking a break from this blog. I have to. I’ve spend a LOT of time on it already, and still have things I need to say. Will continue tomorrow! <3

********************************************************************

Tuesday, 9/17/2019

Wow, that was a lot of writing. My blogs are often pretty long, but that was crazy! lol I took my first full dose of kratom yesterday, maybe that what did it. lol If so, I need to get more. Do some writing. I love to write and dream of getting published one day, I just don’t have the focus that I need.

Where to start back.. Ok.. As far as my sexuality goes, I considered myself straight until a few years ago. Then I realized i’m bi-curious. I kept it to myself though. Still do, for the most part. Most people don’t know. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I definitely do not want Mark’s family to know. 

I always said I like dick too much to be a lesbian, and that’s still true. (excuse the trashy phrase lol) - but I do have an attraction to some women. But it’s been a subtle attraction. 

However, I recently met this woman. She’s awesome. I have a very strong connection with her. It’s more of a deep spiritual connection. It’s something I can’t explain. I feel about her, something i’ve never felt before. I can’t explain it, because I don’t quite understand it yet. 

We have so much in common. Religion, political views, a love of wolves. And so much more that we’ve discovered that we have in common. My niece even says we kinda look alike. lol And, she’s beautiful. Gorgeous face, love her eyes. Great body. 

She told me that if she ever went there with a woman, she’d want it to be with me. And I had thought the same thing about her. I don’t know where this is going to go, but it’s definitely something new for me. 

I love spending time with her. And truthfully, I think about her often. Not in a psycho obsessive sense. lol But, she does cross my mind. 

It feels odd to feel this way about a woman. But it feels good. One evening, she took my hand while we were talking, and normally i’m not much of a hand holder, other than the hubby. But, it was nice. It actually felt right. 

Ok, and about the hubby, while i’m thinking about it.. I love him, and would never do anything to hurt him. No matter what the situation. I’ve talked to him a little, but very little, about how I feel for her. It’s a little awkward. I plan to let him read this blog eventually. IF he wants to read this much writing!! lol 

Anyway, he used to tell me he won’t share me, even if it were another woman. Now he tells me that he’s ok with it, as long as he can watch. I appreciate him being somewhat open minded, but him watching.....i’m not sure about. I don’t know how she would feel, and frankly I don’t know how I feel about it. What I feel for her is pure. It’s not all sexual and lusty. It runs much deeper. Don’t get me wrong, I *am* physically attracted to her, who wouldn’t be? But, if we were to ever take it a step further, I really don’t know that i’d feel comfortable with anyone else being around. It would be special, you know? And I don’t know if he’d ever be accepting of just her and I having a physical relationship together. Only time will tell. 

Even if it never turns physical, she’s a special person in my life. I can see her turning into a lifelong bestfriend (....or more). 

I guess I should be going. Have to get ready to start the day, a few things need done. I only took two kratom today (Trainwreck strain), instead of the suggested dose of 6 pills. I’m already feeling it. Thinking I may get a big bottle and make them part of my daily supplements! I’ll try to blog again very soon, though it probably won’t be nearly as long. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

05/10/19

OMG, it’s been OVER a year since I posted on here!!! That’s insane. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. I was using this blog regularly when I was in counseling. So, it’s been over a year since I went to counseling? I wouldn’t have stopped, if they hadn’t kicked me out for changing appointment on the same day. It couldn’t be helped, though.

Anyway... Mother’s Day. It’s approaching, only two days away. I used to like trying to make it special for my Mom. She’s been gone for about 5 years now. Mother’s Day will never be the same. I dread it.

Then, Mother’s Day is also a huge reminder that I never had children, and most likely never will. I have wanted to be a Mother my entire life. I still do. Though, I remind myself of how difficult raising a child is, how scary it can be these days. I tell myself that I have so much more freedom without having a baby.........but, it’s still hard. Still bothers me. 

Then there is the whole “stepmom” thing. I treat her like my own, I build my life around her. Her biological mom chooses drugs over her, but she gets all the recognition. 

I hate Mother’s day.

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

12/21/2017

I was watching an episode of How I met your mother today.. I was the episode where she is talking about losing her virginity, and said he didn’t get it all the way in....everyone said it didn’t count. That got me thinking about MY first time. :( I was 16, we were both virgins. It was a beautiful night, on the mountain under a random tree. It was a sweet moment. We tried, but he could get all the way in, I bled a little, and we stopped, he was afraid of hurting me. I’d like to think that time counts. Otherwise, I have to remember the time not too long after, when a 30-something year old jerk wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t want that to be my memory of my first time, you know? 

Thinking back about sex in my teens.. I didn’t like sex, at first. Maybe it was because of that incident? But the next person I was with, I had sex with him, and I hoped i’d start to like it. But, I didn’t. I remember one time he asked me if I wasn’t into it, if I didn’t like sex...and I was honest with him. He was offended, and asked why I have sex if I don’t like it...I seriously hoped it would become something I liked. I liked the bonded feeling with him, just not the physical side. I bled every time, and it just didn’t feel good. The next guy, I became hooked on sex. The next guy after that, I realized I really like it rough....lol Then, the next was my first fiance (that sounds weird lol), and I wanted it all the time. We had sex several times a day...And i’ve been addicted to sex ever since. We have sex every night, sometimes more. I could have sex multiple times a day, every day. lol 

Back on the original point.. I’d rather consider Randy my first time. He was this cute, goofy cowboy type. The night was kinda magical. I’d definitely rather keep that as the memory of my first time. I’d love to forget the other....i’d like forget that nasty motel room where he and his friends got me and my friends drunk on vodka, and he wouldn’t accept my “no”. I love to go back and re-do that day, not go party with him because my friend liked his nephew. It wasn’t her fault, don’t get me wrong, i’m just saying I wish we didn’t decide to party with them. I was so naive at that time in my life, and so vulnerable.

He wasn’t the only person to force himself on me. Just the first. I was thinking about another time, just the other day. Weird that this has been on my mind, it must have something to do with this depression i’m going through. But that time, I was at a party, at my best friend at the time’s house. There was a wild party going on at the house right across the street. This guy came over from the other party, he was attractive but I wasn’t attracted to him like everyone else seemed to be. He kept trying to get me alone to talk to me. A couple guy friends were concerned, tried to kick him out, and it turned into a big fight. The fight freaked me out, so I started to drink more than I had been, being nervous (and stupid). Somehow, at some point in the night, he must have came back and took me across the street. I remember waking up laying on a bed looking at these posters on the wall with blacklight. 3-4 guys standing over top of me.. I was scared, ran out the door barefoot and without my panties. It was so cold, snow on the ground...I was locked out of my friend’s house. She finally let me in, only to tell me that everyone is going across town to another party, asked me if I wanted to go. I told her I didn’t feel like partying, and would like to just go to sleep. I went to sleep, thinking I was alone in the house. I woke up with two guys messing with me in my sleep. The next day, the jerk across the street was bragging (seriously) about raping me and keeping my panties. All his friends thought it was so amusing, holding up my panties like a trophy, it was sickening.

My self esteem was really messed with, both of these incidents changed who I am. I felt like nothing mattered, out of control and worthless. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/30/2017

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think i’m falling into a depression, but I still have some manic symptoms. I’ve felt like I have been in a mixed state for a while now, leaning more toward manic, but something has shifted. It really sucks.

It’s been at least 3 weeks since i’ve done the things I normally do. Cleaning the bathroom. Folding and putting away clothes. So much clothes has piled up and now I really dread trying to get caught up. I keep hoping i’ll feel better, but I just don’t. 

I was accidentally off of my psych meds for s few days recently. Maybe 4-5 days. I forgot that I didn’t have my risperdal, prozac and lamictal in my medicine boxes, needed to get refills. I was distracted by other things and I forgot. I don’t think 4-5 days without meds would affect me this much, though. I was already in a mixed episode, but now i’m feeling depressed. I felt a little depressed before. I think that’s why i’ve let everything go and have fallen so behind on clothes and everything.

I am so tired of this. I just want to be normal.

Mark was in a weird mood today when I woke up. He seemed mad at me. Which made me mad. But then I got the idea that something was bothering him, but he said nothing was. I wish he would be open and honest with me when something is wrong, keeping things from each other will put a wall between us. Not good for our relationship. 

I can’t keep it together. I feel like my life is just this huge mess. And it shows with the mess I have around me. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in a weird place in my head. Part of me wants to pack a few things and go away for a while, be alone, figure things out. I don’t want to feel like this. 

I feel like there is a distance between Mark and I lately. He seems different. And it makes me feel like pulling away. Another thing, I won’t go into what makes me feel this way, out of respect for Mark, because it’s a personal issue. But i’m beginning to feel something is wrong, that he not as attracted to me anymore. I have to put more effort into certain things that (in past relationship, it was automatic...didn’t have to try) - I was never used to. Guys i’ve been with were usually very ready to go, without my having to try to get things that way. That may not make sense, it’s hard to talk about something without directly talking about it. But, it makes me insecure. I wonder what it is about me that doesn’t turn him on. Is it my weight? My weight is a turn off for me. He claims he’s attracted to me, but physically it doesn’t seem like it. It causes me to almost dread being intimate, because I don’t want to feel that way, feel unattractive, unwanted. That’s how it makes me feel. It really sucks. 

I feel so weird. Depressed. I keep feeling like i’m going to cry. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/12

Girl scout meeting tonight. I was ok during the time I was just working with my small group of girls. But before it all started, i had some sweating/anxiety. After t was over, an as i was getting things together and talking to the other mentor, the pastor and his wife.....i was pouring sweat, it was embarrassing, the pastor asked me if im ok. I explained i felt it was hot and my nerves get to me. Felt stupid.

Now that im home, im absolutely exhausted. Drained. My brain wont slow down, I feel like i have a mental static thing going on and racing thoughts. Thinking about the night, how it went, if i left anyhing out. If people thought i am strange for having the anxiety/panic problem. Thinking, why am i dealing with this? Why am i so tired? is it always going to be like this? Can i fix this or am i screwed? 

I just dont know. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed, mentally and physically exhausted.

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/6

Listening to music, as I often do when my mind won’t slow the hell down. As always, I ended up listening to Evanescence. I listen to her a lot, but more so when I feel down or totally overwhelmed, racing thoughts, that kind of thing. Her music and metal usually help, strangely.

Anyway, listening to the song, “My heart is broken”. There was once a time when that song meant something to me. A lot of the words described me feeling toward an ex. When we broke up, I was pissed, I didn’t want anything to do with him. But I still had a lot of feelings for the guy. So, we ended up talking again, through letters, because he had been sent to prison.

In the beginning, I believed him... I believed he was innocent. My feelings took over, just a little. He and talked about being together, he asked me to marry him. Though I never actually answered him, he assumed we were engaged. I didn’t know what I wanted. 

Then, not long before my Mom died, his cellmate sent a bracelet with another girl’s name on it, trying to tell me I wasn’t the only woman he was talking to... I stopped talking to him for a while. I finally told him about the bracelet. He swore the cellmate was just trying to break us up.... I distanced myself, still. Not much longer, I met Mark and things moved quickly with us. 

Still, I would write back to Jerry once in a while. It wasn’t the same as it once was, after my Mom died. Something just changed in me. Yet still, I battled feelings for him, for a long time. Even though I was with Mark, I still had aggravating feelings for Jerry. The feelings were unique.. Not normal “feelings” a person would usually have for a person. It was “feelings” with ZERO desire to be with him. That started to fade away after years.... It took me about 4 years to get over this guy.

When I realized it was almost time for him to get out, I felt a panic. I was afraid he would come here, trying to interrupt my life. Afraid I would run into him in public. 

One day my phone rang, and it was Jerry. Mixed feelings when I heard his voice. A weird fear, but kinda nice to hear from him, at the same time. Mixed feelings about that. 

He started calling too often, and though it was nice to catch up with him a little at first, I had to take a step back and stop answering my phone when he called. Once in a while I will answer it, not everytime. I know that may seem cold, I know i’m the only friend he has right now, doesn’t even have family.....and that’s what makes the situation a little more difficult.

I want to be there for him. But I don’t want him to think we anything more than friends. I don’t want to pull away completely, but I have to set some boundaries. He’s told me he’s still in love with me, still hoping we will get married. I’ve told him things have changed, repeatedly. I think he is starting to get it now. 

I can now say this with 100% truthfulness. I am OVER him. It took me a ridiculously long time, and I have no idea why....... It wasn’t even a good relationship. What I missed (still miss this) is that friendship we had, before we tried dating. We were so close. Talked all day, every day. I miss my friend, not my ex. If that makes sense?

Our relationship truly sucked. He was cold.. Lacking emotion. He wasn’t affectionate. He hurt me more than he ever made me feel good. He tried to break me down and in some ways he succeeded. He would “playfully” leave bruises all over me. I would ask him not to do it, told him I told want people to think he’s abusing me, and he’d tell me he didn’t care what people think. He never kissed me. I think he kissed me twice while we were dating, and it was a cold, stiff lipped kiss. Not a “real” kiss. Our sex life was non existent. The only times he wanted to do anything it was really weird. Had to be a “Spoon” position, laying on our sides and he didn’t make a sound. If I tried to talk to him, i’d get this creepy silence..... It wasn’t what I think of when I think of sex.... To say the least. He would wait till I was asleep, then start trying to have sex with me. We only had sex....what *I* consider sex....one time. It was only good because we were drinking and I took charge. It still wasn’t that great, frankly. We rarely had sex at all. When I would try to talk to him about intimacy and my feelings, he’s get so angry and mean with me. All I could do was cry. I felt unloved, unwanted, felt like total crap. 

Why did I have feelings for this person? WHY? I don’t understand it. I can think of so few “decent” traits, and tons of bad. 

I still feel a strong connection with him though, and I am rather certain I always will. It’s not a romantic connection, and most definitely not a sexual connection. It’s like a spiritual connection. Can not explain it. 

I will be very honest. For a very brief moment, I had some confusion over feelings when I started to talk to him again. But now that we have been talking more, they are completely gone. I can honestly say, i’d be happy to see him in a good relationship (hoping he will be good to her), and as much as i’d like to remain friends, I would be ok with never talking to him again, if he chooses to do so, I would be ok. I mean, I would like to keep in touch, but it’s no longer important to me. It feels weird to say it, but all of those type of feelings, “romantic” feelings, are completely gone, finally. I had been getting over him for a while. I just feel that closure now. 

Here is that song, the one that reminded me of how I felt in the beginning. Still love the song, but all emotional connection has been severed. Still a favorite song. :) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnBYWI8pxmU

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

10/6

I am overwhelmed. Disappointed in myself, because I can never stay on track. I start out a project enthusiastic, then I either get bored with it or insanely overwhelmed and have a difficult time trying to finish what I started.

Right now, it’s Girl Scouts. I have needed to get extra order forms out to families for several days, and haven’t felt like getting out of bed. Why am I like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right?

I know starting a medication that was keeping me sleepy is part of it, but I also know it goes deeper than that. Because I have always done this. This is the main reason I haven’t been able to keep a job! I get overwhelmed, badly, then start avoiding the things that overwhelm me.....without my control. 

I have to see the psych doctor today. While i’m out, I plan to try to get extra forms to those who need them. I don’t really feel like being around people, that makes it so hard. Why am I like this?

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

9/24

Sometimes life just isn’t fair. I’ve always wanted a big family. I figured i’d have 5 kids or so. Yet, I don’t seem to be able to have even one child. I see all these people having kid after kid.. Some of them aren’t even good parents, some have even lost their kids and are having more.....which really bothers me. As if they are trying to replace the children they lost. Why are they so fertile, and i’m just useless. It’s not fair. I know i would be a good Mom, a child/children would have a loving family, but I doubt it will ever happen. Even adopting is out of the question, because you have to make a certain amount of money, pay all the fees, etc.. I feel like a failure, a waste of existence, i’m nothing in life. I’ll never be a “Mommy”. It hurts. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

9/20

It’s almost been 1 year since my friend Michael was hit by a car and killed. it happened the night of September 26th. I remember the shock I felt when I woke up the next day with mutual friends telling me. 

I miss our talks. Years ago, we used to talk for hours. He’d call me and we’d talk all night. It still feels weird to me, that he’s gone.

Sometimes I think I stay to myself a bit and push people away because I fear losing them. I know that might sound odd. But, the more people I have in my life, the more loss I will have to go through eventually. I’ve thought about situations that could happen, causing me to lose those I already have in my life, and I just end up with bad anxiety. 

I’ve had a fear of losing people my entire life. When I was little, I would go all to pieces if one of my brothers said they were moving out. I mean, I would panic badly. I still remember when my uncle rick moved out, how I felt. Sad, unloved, unwanted. I was 3 or 4, and I felt like it was my fault because I used to do annoying little things to get on his nerves. Then, for as long as I can remember, my Mom would tell me she was going to die. Whether she was threatening suicide or she had a “psychic dream” telling her she was going to die. I lived in fear of losing my Mom. She also threatened to just leave, a few times. I was so insecure, I clung to her. All I wanted was for her to tell me she loved me and she’s not going anywhere, but she never did. 

I remember the New year 1990, for several months leading up to it, my Mom would talk endlessly about her upcoming death. She claimed that she had a psychic dream telling her she would die in 1990. She and my Dad would scream and fight over it, because he said it was nonsense. My brothers and she would fight about it late into the night, because she was upset that they didn’t believe her. Neil would sometimes say he believed her, I think to calm her down. But anyway, this was a huge thing, for a long time. I was 9/10 years old, and I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t want to go to school, didn’t want to be away from my Mom. I couldn’t sleep at night, i’d be up until 2 and 3 in the morning with her. Often exhausted from stress. I gained a lot of weight during this time, as could be seen in my 4th grade school picture. I was a mess during this time. I believed my Mom was going to die. That New Years eve, I cried, i panicked, I was so scared. The New years song (the name slips my mind at the moment) still makes me feel a bit sad and anxious. 

Sometimes it feels like life is just a series of losses. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

8/22

Court again tomorrow. Morning this time, ugh. I do not like mornings so much. lol Sierra wants me to curl her hair before school anyway, so at least i’ll be up to do that. 

I begged the guardian ad litem to not make us have to travel to Gate City or Kingsport. My car has engine problems, and I don’t want to drive it any more than I already have to. I HATE BEGGING - but i’m desperate. If they say we have to drive that far, we do have to legally..... The guardian ad litem seems to have a lot of pull with the judge, his recomendations seem to be what the judge goes with. So, here is to hoping I didnt beg for nothing. -_-

Sierra’s biological mother is so difficult. I could say more about her, but i’ll refrain. She asked the judge if she could call every night before Sierra goes to bed. The judge gave her Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. She left the court house before I could give her the number. Then, she gets mad when I wasn’t on Facebook for a couple days and claims i’m violating the court order or “tha court order” as she spelled it... lol I wrote back and told her there is no court order stating that I have to get on my Facebook daily! 

Then, she was supposed to call at 7:30. We sent Sierra’s friend home so we could wait on the phone call. After sitting there for 45 minutes, she finally decides to call at 8:15. Sierra should have been in bed at 8. She claims that she has a toothache and fell asleep. Hmmm... To me it sounds like she is back on the drugs again and passing out. I would think with her being on probation that they would drug test her.....but that sounds a little odd to me. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

8/20/17

At my last counseling session, she suggested that I start journaling more again. She also asked me to think about and right where I would like to see myself in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years. Write 3-4 paragraphs for each. I don’t see 3-4 paragraphs happening! lol I just don’t. I have really lost touch with myself, who I am, who I want to be. I’m getting older, and dealing with so much with my health, I just don’t see myself being able to reach many goals, so why set goals? 

One goal I have is an 8 month goal. Mark and I finally set a date, we’e getting married April 21, 2018. That gives me 8 months to lose some weight!! Today, i’ve been really bad on my “diet”, though. At way too many honey roasted peanuts, a chocolate cake thing, left over pasta (pasta with marinara, sausage and chopped polish sausage), and some cheesy tots. And it’s only 4PM! Making sirloin pork chops tonight, around 6. I’ve already ate too much. I have drank almost 4 16.9 oz bottles of water already, so that’s a good thing. I had one can of coke. 

Anyway, I weighed myself today, 306.6. IF I can lose 2 pounds per week, I could lose 68 pounds by April 21st. Which would put me at 238 pounds. That would be the lowest i’ve weighed in more than 10 years! Sad but true. When I was 19/20, I weight 225. I looked pretty good at that size, that would be awesome to get close to that weight again. However, I will be happy to get back to 250 again. I was 249 about 4 years ago, around a size 20, and felt pretty good, looked a lot better than I do now! I liked a lot of my pics, even some full body pics. So, my goal is 250. Any more of a loss is just a bonus! I can do this.........but I can’t let myself eat junk all the time. I used to eat so healthy, then I started dating Mark, and it all changed. 

Marriage. It scares me. I don’t know why exactly. It’s a huge step, one I only want to make once. I don’t want to ever be divorced.....which is part of the reason I have avoided marriage. You can’t get divorced without a marriage, right? lol  I take it extremely seriously. I always wanted to be 100% sure. Then, I also fear change.... I fear that he will change. Or even that I will change. So many relationships fall apart, after marriage. Plenty fall apart without marriage, of course, I realize that. When I was a little girl, my Mom would tell me how marriage changes people, that a once you’re married the man thinks he owns you and he changes. 

I always dreamt of a pretty wedding, a wonderful married life, taking care of my husband and family. I already live as a married woman, just without the marriage certificate. So, not much will change there. What changes will there be? Will we be closer as a couple? Will one of us change, and the fighting begin? Will our relationship strengthen or will it fall apart? I want the happily ever after! <3

I’ve been looking at rings. I want a comfortable ring, but I like the ones with jewels around the band (cubic zirconia, in particular) - they don’t seem to be comfortable though? I don’t know. I’ve also been looking at dresses! I can’t afford a gorgeous wedding gown. I’m hoping to be able to save up around $100 to buy a nice formal dress, like maybe a prom dress, something pretty but more reasonably priced. I don’t know what size I will be, though. I’d like to at least be down to a size 20. 16/18 would be awesome, but doubtful. I have looked at girls dresses, too... Sierra is going to be a junior bridesmaid, so she will need a pretty dress with pink. I have to keep it as economical as possible, though. Mark will need a suit, too. 

I am not sure how to do all the “wedding party” stuff. Mark says he will have Nathan as his best man. He will ask his brother and brother in law to be groomsmen. He could ask his nephew Michael to be a groomsmen, too. I don’t know whether I will have a maid of honor. I wasn’t even sure i’d ask anyone to be bridesmaids at first. I’m not super close with any of my female friends. But, I asked my cousin Alissa to be a brides maid. I am also thinking about asking Rachel, Jessica, Diane and Joy. Sierra will be a junior brides maid, and I may ask Jade, Gaby and Jasmine to be junior brides maids as well, undecided. Flower girl, Mark’s niece Serenity. Ring bearer.....maybe his nephew Noah? He could do junior groomsmen and have his other two nephews in the wedding. To be fair. I might have a junior maid of honor, instead of a regular maid of honor, and ask Sierra to be it. 

I want a Spring outdoor wedding. Need some place with seating.... like benches, or something. A friend said she had hers at the lake, a place called Washington county park, and used the ampitheater stage. Need to find out if they have seating available. Can’t afford a bunch of chairs. There is a nice ampitheater in Marion, and Hungry mothers park, and it does have seating. But it’s expensive to rent everything and they charge like $5 per car for parking! So, it’s doubtful. Wish we had a good amount of money, could do that and rent a cabin for the honeymoon night. I wish we could do a beach wedding, honestly. 

Who will officiate the ceremony? I know of a sweet minister, haven’t seen him in about 10 years, and I can’t locate him online. I worry that he may have passed.   :( Mark’s uncle could do it, but he was the one who married Mark and his exwife......so it feels a little weird to me. I don’t know. We won’t have a lot of money to spend on anything, though........so options are very limited. 

I do feel weird about Nathan. I used to think he’s be the groom in my wedding, and now he’s the best man. I love Mark, and i’m SO happy that I met and fell in love with him, he’s my everything. But, I can’t help but to feel weird about it. There are unresolved feelings that I doubt will ever be truly resolved. It’s just the way it is, I can’t help it. I was recently honest with Mark about my feelings, to an extent. He swears I already told him.......and I do not remember this. lol It must have been some time when I was a little drunk. I’m glad he is so understanding. I have room in my heart to love more than one person. 

I’m feeling emotional again, and I hate it. So, enough of this blog for the moment. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

8/6

I don’t get why so many people have to get help to get school supplies. We are VERY low income......and I mean, very. And we manage to buy school supplies. It’s not that much. Last year, she had to have more than she needs this year, we did it. Why is this an issue for so many? We are a family of 3 living on $750/month. Does everyone spend money on cigarettes, alcohol and drugs and expect everyone else to pay for their kids school supplies? I’m sorry, i’m not judgmental and I understand needing help. I’ve been there. I just don’t understand not buying notebooks, pencils and crayons.....yet they are buying other bs that’s not needed. Priorities, people. 

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

8/6/17

Everyone is breaking up, it seems. I’ve seen a lot of it online. In a stepmom group i’m in, one of the ladies said her husband told her he loved her one day, then the next day he tells her his feelings have changed and he wants a divorce. A couple others on there had break ups. Then, a girl I know, she posted on Facebook that she came home and her boyfriend and all of his stuff was gone.

How can people do that? How can you be in love, and one day just change your mind? Seeing that makes me nervous in my OWN relationship. It shouldn’t. Because we have a great relationship. But, maybe they thought the same thing about their relationships?

It’s just crazy how things can suddenly change. How PEOPLE can just change.

Maybe their relationships weren’t so great. Maybe they had issues they didn’t talk about. Maybe signs were missed? I feel horrible for them, just the same.

Mark and I have a strong relationship, i’m thankful for that. We rarely fight. The disagreements we do have are short lived, we make up right away. We love each other and respect each other. I’m actually amazed at how well we get along. Neither of us like to argue/fight. But as good as things are between us, I still worry sometimes, when i see people who were happy and in love breaking up... You just never know, it’s hard to know what’s going on in the other person’s head. I’d like to think that if there were ever an issue, we would talk it out. I don’t see anything like that happening, I think we have something different than a lot of other couples.

But, i’ve went through the ”people changing” thing.... One guy, I knew for like 3 years. After I started dating him, he changed. Became controlling, and abusive. Another, we dated for a short while and he was telling me that he was falling in love with me.......then, literally the next day he stopped talking to me. I never heard from him again. His ex told me he did the same thing to her. But, that was just weird. Another one, my ex of a really long time, we had broke up, but we were working on getting back together, he was staying at my apartment all the time.. One day I caught him talking to another girl, trying to get with her. This is the ONE man I trusted with everything in me.......he changed. He was someone I didn’t know. These are just my recent experiences with people changing. But, do you get why a small part of me questions my relationship, and worries that something could change? I don’t think anything will change. I trust Mark, and I think I know him really well. I have faith in our relationship. Just, a little part of me will always be altered by those who changed on me in the past. It’s so hard to put all of your trust into anyone or anything.

I’m lucky to be in a good relationship. We support each other. We are loving, deeply connected. He tells me he love me several times every day, and vice versa. We have a deep emotional and spiritual connection as well as being very physically compatible and connected. It just feels natural. It has from the beginning. He is different, i’ve completely opened up to him, and i’ve showed him parts of myself i’ve never shown another (I mean this in a couple different ways lol). I’ve never been quite as open with anyone. We take care of each other. Like a little old couple kinda. lol But with a youthful passion.

I’ve heard so many people say that relationships take work. I don’t understand that. Once a relationship begins to need work, it is likely that it’s about run it’s course. A relationship should be effortless. Love and respect should come naturally, and those are the two most important things in any relationship. I just don’t understand what kind of “work” a good relationship would need.

Don’t get me wrong, I trust him. It’s just, in the very back on my mind, I always fear everyone is going to suddenly change. Not only in a romantic relationship - in friendship, even family. It’s always made it difficult to get close, and to open myself up, to be vulnerable. Maybe this fear stems from my childhood. Both parents were inconsistent. Ever changing. I would have to be cautious when talking to my Dad, figured out what kind of mood he was in. My Mom, her mood was always changing. Again, i’d have to try to figure out what kind of a mood she was in before talking to her. And as she got older, he changes were more permanent. She pulled away from me, pushed me away. I know that some change is good, but in general, I hate change.