#zoloft i love you zoloft my best friend zoloft

[shuadotcom]

hiii i’m alive and i’m back (mostly) from my hiatus. writing is still kicking my ass and my brain’s ass and i’m not on my dash as much as i was just yet but i’m around-ish. thanks for sticking around whoever is reading this 🫶🏽

[vigilxnte-shit]

anxiety || matt murdock x reader

tuna-tober day 9

summary: inside out 2

word count: 815

warnings: BYE im finishing this half asleep at one am with 50 mg of zoloft in my system it’s not edited at all and also there is obviously anxiety mentions i might delete this in the morning okay bye 

a/n: largely based on my own experiences with anxiety so i hope i didn’t make it too specific!

this is an 18+ blog. minors dni. || masterlist

it started with your sleep schedule. 

you’d never been an early riser, staying up until the sunlight since you had learned how to read when you were six, always one to prefer the quiet and the dark to invasive sunlight and early-morning birdsong. the night had become a friend, a peaceful state in which you got to just be. you’d survived high school on four hours of sleep a night- that was how much you loved your quiet hours. 

but you weren’t in high school anymore. one four-hour night now rendered you a dysfunctioning zombie, and that was the most sleep you’d gotten in a single night this week. you’d spent your time at the office blinking a lot and picking up a fresh coffee cup every two hours. foggy had needed to take your fourth brew out of your hands, insisting he could practically hear your heartbeat, and it was about to jump out of your chest at this acceleration rate. 

you had walked home with matt, as per usual, hand in his as you “guided” him through the streets. he was good at keeping up the blind act, and you used that to zero in. you watched him tap his cane back and forth, nodded along to his stories, and threw in the occasional “yeah.” it was almost embarrassing, the way he was leading you instead, but your mind was not on the new york sidewalk with him. 

“is everything alright?” he’d asked at dinner, concern written in his sightless eyes. you’d just nodded and taken your next bite, taking your time chewing. 

“just a little anxious, is all.” 

he’d already known that. it was almost too obvious, actually, between the lack of sleep and the zoning out and the rising heart rate, but he hadn’t wanted to press. instead, he’d left for patrol with the best reassurances he could give you: that he’d be safe and back before you knew it, that he loved you and that he couldn’t wait to be back in your bed, but when he snuck out the window, the last shreds of your sanity clung to the tails of his black mask. when the devil left, the remaining demons were always harder to deal with. 

“do they hate me?” you thought. “karen and foggy. do they actually like me or do they just tolerate my presence for matt?” no, you reminded yourself, they’re my friends, they at least like me…

and the flood gates were opened. 

did they actually like you, or was it just courtesy? did you come up in conversations over beer at josies, and if you did, was it in a positive light? did they think you were incompetent? you certainly thought so- the way you still couldn’t figure out legal strategy, the way your messed up sleep patterns sometimes had you file things incorrectly. maybe you had answered a call incorrectly. wait, the phone lines had gone down a couple of days ago- maybe it was a miscommunication. they wouldn’t hold that against you, right? actually, on that note, had those been plugged in again properly? what if there was a fault in the wire? was the office on fire? no. that was ridiculous. you could check in the morning…you could call matt. he could stop by and check. of course you could, he’d be more than happy to, because he loved you.

…right?

that was the thought you couldn’t move past. the one that kept you awake, staring at your ceiling, analyzing every detail of every interaction you and matt had recently shared. he didn’t seem off, at least not in any typical matt sense, but maybe he was hiding it. how could he ever love someone who talked so much, who thought too much, who-

“sweetheart.” 

his low, gravelly voice instantly pulled you out of your stupor. 

“matty?” you asked softly. “you’re back early.” 

“couldn’t leave,” he admitted. “i’ve been outside the window. didn’t like how fast you were breathing.”

that was all he had to say. that was matt speak for “i know you need me”. you watched as he slowly changed, stripping down as casual as ever before pulling on a clean pair of boxers and jumping in bed with you. 

without a word, you snuggled up to his chest. he held you close against him, his hand cupping your skull in a protective gesture. 

“we gotta figure this out,” he said softly. “get you some meds, or a therapist, or something.” 

you nodded. you didn’t have the energy for anything else. 

with a smile and a soft kiss to your temple, he whispered to you. 

“close your eyes. let’s rest that pretty head, yeah? we’ll talk about this in the morning.” 

but his sentence was only heard by the surrounding air, filled with the sounds of your even breath. 

the best medicine for your racing heart was his.

[ghostboneswrites2]

Under the Stars || One Shot

New account! @ghostbones was banned! Transferring all my work here slowly!

Anon request from my old blog: "can i ask a tinnyyy request like you know s7 e8 daryl runs off from negans with jesus to hilltop later ricks group comes. How about reader and daryl reuniting after them not seeing eachother since negan takes him hostage and like all the time they spent away from each other in pain they try to make up for it"

Summary: Your mental health severely declined when Daryl was taken, but now he's back, and it's time to begin to heal together.

18+ MDNI || WARNINGS: depression, prescription medication, general unhappiness, but a happy ending (oh, and profanity, duh)

        You had barely taken care of yourself over these last weeks. Minimal food intake, drinking water only when your body painfully begged for hydration, unable to get out of bed to even bathe on most days as the painful sinking in your gut was just too much. You felt dizzy sometimes, either from malnourishment or grief. Two of your friends were murdered in cold blood, horrifically. You still remembered how it felt when Abraham's blood splattered over your face, warm in contrast to the chill of the air around you. You could remember the way your breath made foggy little clouds in the  bright lights, how you felt every ounce of air leave your lungs when Glenn was taken out next. 

        That man -- that monster -- he took more than just your friends. He took your sanity. You didn't sleep because when you closed your eyes it was all you could see. You hummed to yourself for hours because in the silence, you could still hear the whistle of the bat as it was brought down on your family members and the squelching of mangled skulls as he turned them into mere pulp. 

        With all that, the thing that stung even more was the memory of him being dragged away, your best friend, your love. The toughest and strongest man you knew, the one with a dirty abrasive exterior and a sparkling core of gold. They took him away, just like that. You knew he was alive. They brought him once, just to flaunt him in your face and remind you of what they had taken from you. To show you just how miserable they were making him.

        On this day, though, Rick and the others had dragged you out of bed. Michonne sat with you while you showered, and washed your hair for you while you sat curled up under the steamy stream of water. She helped you get dressed, and told you they were taking you with them to Hilltop to see Harlan, their doctor. He would be able to give you a mild antidepressant, and something to help you sleep again. They had other business at the colony, but they decided you'd benefit from tagging along.

        You were reluctant, of course. Why did you deserve peace and rest if nobody you loved could attain the same? But, they insisted, and who were you to  argue when they already had more pressing matters at hand. You all did. 

        "This is setraline, or more commonly known as Zoloft. It can be used for anxiety and depression, and it isn't known to have many side effects. I'm going to give you a 30 day supply. Just take one every morning with breakfast, and it should help you break out of this funk." Harlan explained, handing you a pill bottle. "It wont take away the grief, but it will help balance some of the symptoms of it until you can cope on your own."

        "This one," he continued, handing you a little baggie with ten pills. "Is a basic valium. Take it every night with a snack, you'll get your sleep schedule back on track by the time you run out of them."

        He offered you a thin lipped smile as you stuffed the medications in your bag.

        "Thanks, Doc." You sighed as you stood up. He held the door open and allowed you to exit the medical trailer before himself, shutting the door behind him.

        "Don't thank me just  yet. I want to see you again in 30 days. We can assess how it worked for you and then maybe you can thank me."

        The others were all gathered nearby the gates, talking with Maggie and some others. You made your way over. Michonne smiled kindly as she placed an arm over your shoulders.

        "Was he able to help?" Rick asked. You nodded.

        "We'll see in 30 days." You told them. The conversation resumed where it left off, and you kind of just absentmindedly stood by, allowing little bits of information to register here and there but not enough to follow.

        That was when the gates opened and Jesus walked in, followed by someone you didn't expect in the slightest. Your eyes were dry and wide, throat tight, heart racing out of your chest. Rick was the first to hug him, then Michonne, then Maggie, who he seemed  shocked to see. 

        His eyes landed on you and time stopped. The world simply stopped spinning. He stepped toward you slowly, each crash of his boot into the dirt sounding off like bombs. Tears pooled in your eyes when you could finally reach him hear him, smell him.

        "Daryl." You choked.

        He didn't say a word, but he didn't have to. The way he embraced you and lifted your feet from the ground, squeezing the air out of you was enough. When he set you back down he planted a kiss on your forehead, lingering there as he breathed you in.

----

        The stars had never looked so bright than they did when you were underneath them with Daryl that night. You stayed at Hilltop with him, and instead of enjoying a bed and warm sheets, you both laid on the ground outside Barrington House, breathing easily for the first time since he had been taken.

        "How'd you get out?" You wondered.

        "Nah. Don't gotta talk 'bout that right now." He said softly, sneaking an arm under you to pull you into him. You rested your head on his chest and he ran his fingers though your hair. 

        "Okay." You whispered. "I missed you."

        "Yeah." He agreed. "Me too. I missed ya."

        "I haven't been able to sleep without you."

        "Mm." He nodded, fingers still twirling in your strands.

        "Can you talk? About anything? I missed your voice."

        "Well," he sucked in a breath, searching for something worth telling you. "Every minute I spent away from you just felt longer and longer, ya know? 'N' now that I got ya back I don't wanna think about none of it. Don't wanna think 'bout the fightin' that's comin'.. Just wanna be here. With you."

        You sniffled and blinked back tears as you nuzzled closer to him, wishing he could just absorb you into his very being so that you'd never be apart.

        You peeked up at him through your eyelashes and he looked down at you, pressing a scratchy kiss on the top of your head.

        "I thought about you every minute of every day." You admitted.

        "I know." He said softly.

        "I just.." You sighed. "I'm just so happy to be here with you. It feels like a dream."

        "It ain't."

        "But it feels like one." You countered. "Just so unreal."

        "It's real." He affirmed.

        "I know." 

        "Good."

        "Do you wanna sleep inside tonight?" You asked.

        "Nah. Too closed up."

        "Okay." You smiled. You snaked an arm over his torso, holding him tightly. He returned the gesture, using dropping his hand from your hair down to your back and pushing you against him. You laid a leg over his.

        "Ya been eatin'?" He asked suddenly, running his fingers over your ribcage.

        "No." You admitted quietly.

        "Gon' eat breakfast tomorrow." He instructed.

        "I have to anyways. Harlan said I have to take my meds with food."

        "Meds? For what?"

        "Depression." You huffed, sitting up and reaching into your bag to show him the pills. "Zoloft and some kind of valium."

        "Pfft." He scoffed, taking the pills from you and setting them on top of his own bag as he pulled you back down. You settled back into your previous position. "Don't need no damn drugs. I'm gon' give these back to him tomorrow."

        "I guess they were just worried about me. I wasn't really that great, you know, with everything..." You trailed off.

        "Okay." He nodded. "I'm here now. Ya don't need 'em."

        "Okay." You said sleepily, eyes feeling heavy in the comfort of his embrace. You really didn't need valium, you just needed him to lay with you. He glanced down at you, feeling a bit of warmth in his chest as your eyes began to flutter.

        "Get some sleep, now." He whispered.

[ofhouseadama]

I came across your blog through star trek and wanted to say your pinned post is so sweet! You and your wife look so happy! Any updates in the two years since you answered that ask?

OH BOY, ARE THERE UPDATES.

We did finally get to have our big white wedding, which was amazing and intimate and lovely and so very much a testimony to us and our friends and family of choice:

We went to Disney World for our honeymoon:

A few months after that, we took in a trans teenager from a domestic violence situation who has now been adopted as our son. We didn't go into fostering with the intent to adopt, but when the kid stares you straight in the face and says your his moms now, you kind of just go with it.

2023 was kind of our own annus horribulus, with my wife losing both of her mother's parents and a cousin, and my best friend lost her dad to cancer. We learned a lot about planning a wedding in 48 hours, and then later, a funeral.

We got way too good at funeral programs.

I had my gallbladder removed after multiple emergency room visits, my wife semi-emergently had a hysterectomy, and then later a root canal and jaw surgery to remove bone spurs. Every time we thought things would calm down, something else horrible would happen. (For example, a microburst wrecking our roof and downing a tree on top of said best friend's dead dad's SUV that we bought from her mom, our house, and power lines.)

We've travelled a lot, due to access to $40/night hotel rooms.

We entered our thirties. Got more tattoos. Dyed our hair. Got new piercings. Tried new styles, got more supportive shoes. Went on a lot of dates. Built our village, put down roots. Renovated the kitchen and built bookshelves in the living room. We laughed and we cried and we grieved and felt joy and held each other through it all.

I completed two years of EMDR therapy, went back on Zoloft. I'm finally sleeping through the night for the first time in my life.

We got to take Christmas photos as a family, and go to Disney World for his birthday (thanks Hilton team member discount, lol)

We adopted two more dogs, Beau and Mabel:

And three days ago, we got to do something absolutely amazing, that we've dreamed of even before we met--

Try for a baby, with donor sperm. And even if I don't get to have a positive pregnancy test later this month, the hope of trying means a lot to us.

[scouting4love]

Please talk about it so bad this tangent sounds so interesting

Omg... I will go on my bipolar, brain rot rant for you 🫵

I do think that Roxas & Riku are really good narrative foils for each other, especially at the end of Days, tragically so! I think it's also looked over and brushed off quite a bit, my reason being that, in the game, Roxas and Riku only interact once on a meaningful level and that's the fight at the end.

Days, as a game, is about the emotions that make us human. Throughout the game, Xion and Roxas see things like love (Beast's Castle), friendship (Aladdin), and experience those things along with sorrow, desperation, etc. On the flip side, Riku is "real", he was never split in half. He doesn't have to learn all of those things and he knows what he's feeling; e.g. when Xion tries to cut him deep and asks if Riku hates her and Riku answers with "No, I'm just sad." (He's so fucking emo during this game.)

Riku also has a purpose during this game and that is to wake Sora up. He's working with Naminé and DiZ to do so. Roxas is collecting hearts for "kingdom hearts" so everyone in the organization can be "complete again." Throughout the whole game, we read in his diary, hear him talk to his friends, and hear in his inner thoughts that he doesn't know what the fuck that means. He doesn't know what a heart is, he doesn't know what having a heart means, and he doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. He just knows he was given an 8-8 blue collared job, a roof over his head, and he's part of a cult now.

Personality wise, during the game, Roxas is very curious and sweet. He wants to know more about having a heart, he's always concerned when his friends are hurt, and he's always trying to cheer them up. His temper does flare (especially concerning Saïx) and he's a shit talker. At the end of the game, he is fucking PISSED, as is his right! One of his friends has been lying through his teeth to him, the other is dead due to work place negligence, no one is telling him the truth, and he wants answers! Riku is in what I like to call his "Zoloft Era" because he needs it. Since he's gotten, basically groomed in the first game, dealt with all the shit in Castle Oblivion during CoM (watching his clone die and killing people), and now he has to put up with DiZ's grown ass throwing a hissy fit, he has mellowed out considerably. He makes level headed decisions, like giving Xion time to decide on what she wants to do and has confidence that she will do what's right and doesn't pressure her. He also doesn't shit talk like he does in the first game, he has learned his lesson.

So, at the end of the game, when it all comes to a head, it does so in the saddest fucking way. Roxas understandably upset because his best friend just fucking died and he's the only one who even remembers her (sound familiar?) is going to destroy "kingdom hearts". If he does that, he's gonna get his ass kicked! He's acting on sheer impulse and anger but can you blame him? He's 15. DiZ tells Riku that the only way to get Sora to wake up is to bring Roxas over so Riku leaves to do that and he stops Roxas before he gets to the castle where they fight. When Riku asks what Roxas is doing and he tells him, Riku can remember Xion but just barely like how he can remember Sora just barely but she's slipping away. Riku understands what Roxas is trying to do but he can't let him go through with it.

The end of the fight is the most important part, in my opinion. Roxas beats Riku's ass twice, breaks his fucking wrist, and is sick of his shit. He also shit talks Riku which Riku does not participate in. Riku knows what he has to do at this point and takes off his blindfold, accepting the darkness in his heart, and taking on the appearance of the man who possessed him in the first game. Doing this, allows Riku to win and they put Roxas in the VR Twilight Town. The whole reason Riku won is from taking off the blindfold, by resigning himself to looking like Ansem, Seeker of Darkness. He is willing to give up his sense of self, his identity, his existence, just to get his best friend to wake up. Roxas isn't willing to, isn't able to do that and that's why he lost.

Roxas' character is about identity, personhood, what makes a person a person. "I feel this, so surely I exist, so surely I am meant to be here." The things he is being told, i.e. you're not supposed to have a heart, you're not supposed to feel, don't line up with what he is experiencing and he has to find out what it means to "be" by himself. That's what being a person is, figuring things out, finding out things for yourself, finding out who you are, what you are supposed to be. It is inherently selfish and there is nothing wrong with that, I think it's good for his character. The problem is that it's a double edge sword, it is his ultimate downfall. "My heart belongs to me."

Riku's character is about sacrifice. We have seen it plenty of times throughout the whole game series. He puts himself in the realm of darkness, he spends a whole year trying to wake Sora up, he becomes Sora's dreameater, he sacrifices himself for Sora in KH3 (gay ass). The point is, he is a protector. He puts himself in harms way without a second thought for the sake of his friends. He doesn't want to look like his fucking groomer from the first game but if it'll help his friend, he's gonna fucking do it! "To protect the things that matter."

I think the line, "Forgive me, Roxas," is probably one of the most heartbreaking in Days and it's so so so so depressing that it's not in the game (it's in the manga). If they had put it in the game it would be more clear that they are narrative foils and give the audience more sympathy to Riku's character. In the end, both of them just want to save their best friends but Riku knows he has to take away what Roxas is fighting for not only himself but for Xion as well. He doesn't want to, he's fucking 16 but in the end, he is willing and able to give up is personhood to save the thing he cares about most. Even though Roxas wants to save Xion, he is unwilling to give up his agency and as an audience, technically as Roxas' friends (cause we have been playing the game and reading his diary, etc.), we understand that he had every reason to fight. We also understand that Sora needs to wake up and we understand why Riku needs to do what he needs to do. It's kind of a lose lose because both of them don't end up on top at the end of the game either. Riku may have won, yet he gave up the thing that Roxas was fighting for, his agency, his personhood, his sense of self and identity but he got his best friend back in the end. Roxas lost and had to go back to Sora but ended up keeping himself separated (as we see in kh2 and DDD) but he lost his best friend in the process. They are really good narrative foils and I don't think it is talked about enough..!!

[chestnutninny]

hello there! i hope your day is going well 🩷 may i request a kim greylek sfw alphabet?

thanks!!!!

Kim Greylek SFW Alphabet

Hiii, my day is going amazing, thank you so much for asking. How are you? Of course you can request this, I actually love Kim, however Casey will always be my favourite :))) I'm sorry this has taken so long to happen, however I've had a lot going on recently, so I'm focussing on catching up now, whilst I'm starting to feel better. (@zolofts )

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

A- Affectionate (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Kim is very affectionate with you behind closed doors but not always in front of other people, especially her co-workers. A lot of the time, she shows her affection by buying you gifts or taking you out on spontaneous dates.

B- Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

As a best friend, Kim would be the best friend that you could ask for. She would be super supportive of everything that you do and would always make sure to give you her best advice and guidance. She would also stick up for you as that is required in her job, so she naturally does it without even realising. Your friendship would start through a mutual friend that you both had, and would meet at a birthday party of this friend. You would both fall into easy conversation and Kim would ask if you would like to leave the party with her, and allow her to buy you a drink elsewhere.

C- Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Kim loves to cuddle, however she must always be the little spoon. She loves how safe and secure she feels wrapped up in your arms and always struggles to leave you in the morning when she’s working early. The majority of the time she wants to cuddle in a spooning position. However, sometimes she is open to lying on your chest, listening to the rhythm of your heartbeat.

D- Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Kim did struggle with the idea of settling down as she wanted to put her career first and foremost, giving it almost all of her attention and time. However, she knew that you were worth settling down and she did cut down on burying herself in extra work and overtime, just to make time for you and to take you on dates throughout the week at any available time she had to spare. You can’t deny the fact that Kim is quite a good cook and she makes you breakfast in bed when she isn’t working on the weekends. However, she isn’t the best at cleaning, always leaving stuff behind in the process.

E- Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In the past, Kim has been cold to her partners when breaking up with them, as she had lost her feelings a while ago. Therefore, she would either break up with them over message or discuss the topic bluntly over a quick phone call. However, with you all that changed and she couldn’t even think of breaking up with you or how she would do it.

F- Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they do it?)

Kim was initially very scared to commit, however after lots of reassurance from you about how much you cared for her and loved her, she knew that there was nobody else that we would rather be with. She proposed to you well into your 3rd or 4th year together, taking you on a romantic holiday to Italy.

G- Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

She is very gentle both physically and emotionally. She’ll look after you as much as she possibly can, wrapping you up in her arms. Emotionally, she is very patient with you, waiting until you are ready to talk about your feelings and open up to her.

H- Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Kim absolutely loves hugs, adoring the feeling of you being close together. She loves to hug you at every opportunity she has because it's her preferred way of showing her affection for you. Her hugs are warm and comfortable, and she nuzzles her head into the crook of your neck, breathing in the smell of your perfume. 

I- I Love You (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Surprisingly, Kim is very fast at admitting that she loves you, because she is confident in your relationship and knowing what she wants in a partner, which you manage to tick all of the boxes of hers.

J- Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Kim isn’t very jealous as she knows where your priorities lie, and she completely trusts you. However, you can tell that she is slightly bothered when she crawls up the bed, tucking herself underneath your chin, curled up in a ball.

K- Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Kim’s kisses are usually very gentle, as if she’s worried of breaking you. Her plump lips brush against your own, encasing them in a pillowy embrace, which never fails to make you blush. However, it’s not completely rare to receive passionate kisses from her, where her tongue battles yours in a fight for dominance.

L- Little ones (How are they around children?)

Kim can be very nervous around kids as she has seen so many of them hurt in her line of work, and she knows that she can seem very harsh and bitchy, which causes her to care a lot about what the kids think of her. 

M- Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Your mornings usually result in you waking up to the scent of fresh coffee surging through the air in the apartment, invading your nostrils, then your beautiful girlfriend walking into the bedroom to greet you with a kiss and a cuddle before she leaves for work, usually at an ungodly hour.

N- Nights (How are nights spent with them?)

A lot of the time, your nights consist of you ordering a take out before Kim arrives home from work, two glasses of her favourite wine sat on the table. After your food, you both enjoy a shower or even sometimes a bath, enjoying the time that you can finally spend together after her stressful days at work. Then, you both get into bed, holding each other whilst Kim plays with your hair as you talk about your days.

O- Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Kim is actually very fast at opening up to you, wanting you to know everything about her as soon as possible, which makes her feel safer with you and like she can trust you more if you know a lot about her. She doesn’t tell you everything at once though, she likes to give you a little at a time, therefore she still has a little bit of mystery remaining.

P- Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Kim is usually very calm and placid in many situations aside from work sometimes. However, there have been a few times that her anger has gotten the best of her, mostly when creepy dudes at bars have made flirty comments at you, or hateful comments towards your relationship with her.

Q- Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Kim is mostly good at remembering little facts about you that you have told her, and makes sure to remember things that you like by writing on sticky notes or creating a note in her phone of all the gift ideas that she has got from the information that you have given you.

R- Remember (What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

Her favourite moment of your relationship is your third date. You had been seeing each other for 2 months, however her jobs didn’t allow much free time for her to plan dates with her. You went for a meal at a fancy little Italian place not far from her apartment. You had your food and a few glasses of wine each, when she finally offered for you to go home with her. You gratefully accepted her offer, catching a cab back to her apartment, where you made fun of the mess that occupied many areas of her home. She led you to the bedroom, where she showed you how much she liked you for the first time. That night was the time she asked you to be her girlfriend, to which you obviously agreed to. 

S- Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

She’s not always the most physically protective, however she is more verbally protective, standing up for you if someone says anything wrong to you. She likes to be physically protected by you however, because she is very capable of holding her own when it comes to verbally defending herself from others. She likes when you wrap your arm around her waist possessively, reminding her that you are there with her and she isn’t alone, as well as when you grab her hands, rubbing your thumb across her knuckles to soothe her.

T- Try (How much effort would they put into dates, gifts, anniversaries, and everyday tasks?)

Kim loves to go all out on dates, coming up with creative little date ideas, such as picnics and beach dates. She loves to make sure that you have an amazing time, and do something that is outside of the usual date idea box. She is the best at giving gifts as she listens to all the things you say you would like to get yourself, but never actually get around to doing.

U- Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

A bad habit of Kim’s is the occasional cigarette that she smokes after a particularly stressful case, which makes her smell of the invasive smoke that lingers within the fibres of her clothing. Despite that, you can’t deny she looks incredibly hot when she smokes one, which annoys you the most.

V- Varsity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Kim always makes sure that her appearance is up to par with the reputation she holds, making sure that she looks absolutely flawless in your eyes, which makes her love her feeling of your gaze on her body as she gets dressed, your eyes raking up and down her body, drinking her in.

W- Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Kim would most definitely feel incomplete without you in her life. She loves you so much and couldn’t think of living the rest of her life with anybody other than you.

X- Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

As well as being a good cook, Kim is also a very talented baker and she loves to make her legendary chocolate chip cookies for you when you are ill or run-down.

Y- Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Kim hates liars and cheaters, which is her biggest turn off. She wants a partner that she can believe in and trust with her secrets and her whole life honestly, which is something that she found in you.

Z- Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Kim can never sleep without something covering her up at night, such as the duvet in the winter or a thin blanket in the summer.

[latinapoetbts]

Nostalgic Love Dairy: First Kiss | KTH & Reader (Latina)

Summary: Sweet First Kiss between two high school students who were best friends. Unrequited love. Note: Written in all in one go, no editing. First Kiss

“What’s on your mind? You see quite today”. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t turn to face him. I knew if I did my eyes would confirm my heart's whispers. He had always told me these three truths about me.

One, I was a terrible liar. Little did he know I was a champion at lying to him. I had to hid my true feelings. I was only good at lying about that.

Two, I wore my heart on my sleeves, unless my heart tried to protect me from him. 

Three, he was my favorite person in the entire world. 

My eyes give my “favoritism away.” Thankfully, he’s either dumb, naive or trying to keep my heart from shattering into a thousand pieces by rejecting me. I chose to believe he was naive because he was annoyingly intelligent, and protecting me from rejection was too painful to imagine. Yet deep down, I knew it was likely the real truth. 

“I’m just thinking about next weekend.” After speaking I continued to naw at the around my nails, a nasty habit that was nearly impossible to quit, just like wanting him I suppose. I hear him move as he swats at my hand.

“Y/N, stop that, or you have nothing left but bones on those fingers”. I frown and pout now feeling secure enough to face him just in time to catch a glimpse of his heart-melting, charming face as he burst into laughter. God, I could listen to his laugh all day, the best alternative to Zoloft ever!

“That face right there is so adorable and funny at the same time!”, he struggles to get out his word in a fit of laughter falling back against the grass. 

“Shut the fuck up.” I lay down next to him shielding my eyes from the sun. 

“Ok ok, so tell me what's up.” I let out a sigh quickly rehearsing in my head the story of half-truths I was preparing to tell. 

“Well, this guy who, Kat says likes me invited us to a party he is throwing next weekend. Kat says he will definitely try to kiss me. I’m nervous. Since well–, (sigh) I’ve never kissed anyone before. Ugh, I’m such a loser.” I let my genuine feelings show. Nervousness, despair, and longing.  I feel him moving beside me once again.

“You’re not a loser for not ever kissing anyone.” I imagine he has propped himself up and is facing me, but I'm not ready to look at him. I’m nervous my eyes will show him just how badly I want him to kiss me. I keep my eyes shielded with my hand, using the blazing sun as an excuse to hide my eyes.

“Do you like him?”, I couldn't help but notice the slight change in his tone of voice yet I was uncertain what his voice was saying. I let out another sigh.

“I think he is super hot but he’s not very smart (laughing).” My heartbeat in my chest was defiantly sending a morse code message: No, I don’t like him, because he’s not you. 

“But Tae, I’m about to be 18 and I’ve still never been kissed. I don’t care anymore if my first kiss is meaningful. I just want to experience it all ready.” I close my eyes. I don’t want to see his face at all, I’m too scared. Silence. 

“Y/N. I think it’s sweet you’ve never kissed before because you want it to be meaningful and it’s worth it. You shouldn’t let anyone pressure you otherwise.” Ugh, I hate him for being so perfect and sweet, and how it only makes me want him more. I feel anger surging through my body. I had only said that to him because I’ve been holding out for him to kiss me for the last three years. It’s all I think about. I’m starting to lose my resolve. 

“Oh ya, Tae? Is it worth waiting to kiss the right person? Hmm?” My anger causes me to face him, we are now laying on our sides inches from each other faces.

“Because your make-out conquest list says otherwise.” A smirk formed on his plump pillowy pink lips, if I leaned forward just enough I could taste them. I mentally shake off the thoughts of wanting to taste his lips reminding myself I’m mad and jealous. I picture the times I’ve caught him making out with a few different girls from my school who live in my neighborhood. This is good fuel for the fire of jealousy. 

“Y/N, oh come on, that’s not the same, I don’t even like those girls and trust me. Kissing is not as good if it's not meaningful with the right person. I promise.” There was a soft distance and longing in his voice. Whoever she is, whoever he is thinking of is very lucky, stupid and I hate her. I’m glad he has kept this story to himself. The amazing meaningful kiss. Yes, we are best friends but we both have secrets better left in hiding. 

“Ok well that’s your opinion and I don't have the experience you have had so I want to decide that for myself.” My jealous anger dies down and my nervousness reves up, but nothing to do with him.

“If he tries to kiss me, I'm going to let him but I’m nervous that the kiss will be terrible because of me. Because I don't know what the fuck I’m doing. Then the whole school will know I’m a terrible kisser.” I roll from my side to my back again shutting my eyes. 

“You have any tips lover boy?” I laugh and then blow out my lips leaving them puckered. There is a long silence. I open my eyes to see if he’s still here, surprised to find him staring at my mouth, I nervously lick at them. Is there a weird crust or drool there I began to wonder. His eyes finally meet mine briefly as he rolls to his back no longer looking at me. 

“What? Is there something gross on my mouth? Jerk you can at least tell me” I start to use the back of my hand to rub at my lips. 

“ No. There's nothing wrong with your lips. Sorry, I have no tips for you. And don’t worry it wont be so bad.” He sits up quickly crossing his legs. 

“It’s too fucking hot, lets go get bobba tea.” He says as he gets up reaching his hand down to mine to help me up.

“What?! Tae? Seriously? You're not going to give me even one tip or strategy” I grab ahold of his hand and pull myself up. 

“Your an asshole, friend.” I turn eyeing the bikes we had rode on.

“But I’m your favorite asshole friend. And you can’t get rid of me”, laughter fills the space between the two of us. I hate him and love him all at once. 

Friday - One Day Before the Party

I stare in the full length mirror in my room holding the red tube dress against my body. This out fit was not me. I’m a 3 months away from turning 18 and four months away from graduating high school. I felt more like a young girl then what society deemed me as an adult. It wasn;t my style to wear form fitting close, this was more of Kats style or more so her style after completely her first semester of college. I wasn’t a high school party girl rather I was more a friendly, sporty, girl next door type with a mexican flare. Wearing a tight fitted red tube dress was way out of my comfort zone. I looked at my bed considering the other two outfits. One outfit a red v-cut fitted long sleeve and a pair of jeans that accentuate my thickness. The other outfit was a off the shoulders green dress with legging and cute boots. The other two outfits were not as intimidating for me. I place the red tube dress back on the bed.

“Kat, I just can’t wear that red dress. It’s too much. People will think I’m trying way to hard.” I winced hearing the sigh of frustration out leave her mouth.

“Y/N, your a hot latina! I just don’t get it! You are dressing to impress. Girl! Your going to end up like that never been kissed girl! You can’t keep waiting around for Tae to wake the fuck up and notice you! It’s been almost 9 years and you guys havent kissed! You have to move on!”. I knew she was right but my heart was to fucking loyal and hopeful. 

“Kat, …” I attempt to justify myself. 

“Speak of the devil. Why don’t you ask Tae what outfit you should wear to the party…”. My eyes grow wide in panic as she walks away form the window. I try to quickly put my clothes away.

“Oh no you don’t Y/n.” my heart rate quickens, hearing his foot steps up the stairs.

“Hey, Tae! Your just in time. I was just on the way out but y/n could really use a guys opinion. I’ve helped her all I can on what outfit to wear to the party tomorrow for Chris. Help her out. Bye guys see you tomorrow!” I try to hold back the scowl forming on my face gripping the tube dress in my hands. 

“Hey Tae. They let you off of work early tonight?” I ask walking to my clothes to put away the outfits.

“Wow, you must really like this guy.” He teases me walking towards me grabbing the hanger out of my hands.

“Well, lets see what you got? I’ll give you my honest guy opinion.” I roll my eyes annoyed with his teasing.

“Ok, tell what you think about that dress. What does it say. And I do not really like him, I think he’s really hot. Theres a difference.” I look out the window only to see Kat’s car still parked outside my house. 

“Sure sure. Well…” The door flys open to my room. 

“I knew it. I knew your were going to do this y/n, go in there and put it on with the heels and accessory! He has to actually see you in the outfit to give an honest opinion!” I was seething. There would be pay back for this Kat.

“She does have a point y/n”. I snatched the outfit from Tae’s hand and marched into the bathroom in my room. I get dressed listening to the two of them talk.

“Chris is super hot and he practically eye fucked her all last your but you know how our sweet naive, y/n is, she is oblivious to it all.” 

“I’m all for supporting her looking her best. I just don’t want to push her into anything she does not want to do Kat.” 

“Of course not Tae! But she wants the experience and I fully support her. I really do gotta go! I’m already late for my date with Carlos! So promise me you will have her model the three out fits and give her your best guy perspective of her outfits. I’m counting on you Tae! Also some kissing tips would be great too! Bye!”. I was so annoyed with the two of them trying to dictate what they think I want. And fucking fumming that Kat would bring up giving me kissing tips. It was my anger that helped me out of the bathroom so I could get this over with. I open the door stomping out with pouty lips. This is so ridiculous.

“Here it is Tae, Kat’s outfit she picked for me. I hate it, honestly. It’s too short and to tight. It’s so uncomfortable. I feel like I’m being desprate it in..” I stop rambling pulling my curls into a high ponytail turning towards my full lengthen mirror to check the hair style. I pause looking at the mirror at Tae, because of the deafening silence in the room. He was completely silent.That’s when I catch his eyes in the mirror. His lips slightly parted open his eyes racking slow over every inch of my body. I couldn’t believe the way he was looking at me, my heart was racing and my skin was on fire but I just couldn’t tare my eyes from him. Finally, after a long pause his eyes landed on mine.

“ y/n, sorry, I’m just shocked. It’s so weird to see you in something like this...”, I felt my cheeks go hot and the embarsement in the pit of my stomach start to rise.

“Ya, your right. I look and feel complete stupid in this outfit.” I let my hair fall and get back inside the bathroom as quickly as possible. I fight back the tears in my eyes as I change back into my basketball shorts and my t-shirt. I take my time pretending to use the bathroom and wash my hands when I’d really washing way my tears and flushed cheeks. I wanted to hide the evidence that I had be tearing up. I don’t think Tae finds any part of me attractive and this movement was all the proof I needed. Once I feel like I don’t look like I had been crying I open the door to find Tae still sitting on my bed looking towards me.

“Y/n, I’m sorry for how I reacted you don’t look stupid in the outfit. It’s just, um, it’s not you thats all. You know what I mean? and since you wanted my opinion. I just think you might be sending the wrong message like…um…” I can tell he is struggle to find the right words.

“Like what? What message am I send by wearing this red tube dress?...Tae I swear if you are…suggesting…”. I watch him stand and close the gap between us with purpose, placing his hand on my cheek too tenderly for me to not feel weak in the knees. His eyes lock with mine as he licks his lips.

“I’m no good with words. I’ll show you instead…” his eyes fall to my mouth, tilting his head, his lips feather against mine pausing for the tiniest fraction of a second before pressing full on against mine. My own eyes fall shut in pure bliss. Fucking finally. The longing and now the ache igniting withing me. His lips moved seductivly and tenderly against mine slowly increasing the intensity and plush warm pressure. I was in heaven. His tongue joined in, caressing my lips into opening allowing him entrance and dominance. I merely followed along mirroring his caresses. I was doomed and damned forever more. A moan sliped through my lips my core in between my legs burning like a fiery furnace threatening to burn me alive. 

My moan, seemed like a trigger because his lips began to consume me. Our tongues coliding together, sliding, dueling together. His tongue pausing only to lick and suck at my lips realsing them with a pop each time before diving back into explore my mouths’ every crevice. A buzzing and ringing beginning to interrupt my sweet bliss allowing a moment to gasp for air our lips breaking apart. I did not care about breathing while we kissed. Air was the last thing on my mind. 

“That’s how you do it. That’s how you kiss. You’ll do just fine.…” He speaks out in a whisper barely able to catch his breath. He steps away our eyes locked in silence the loud buzzy and ringing sounding like an alarm. He grabs his phone silencing the phone after seeing who called. There is flash in his eyes of panic or shock. I’m not completely sure but is was a look that said this moment was over. I heard a door outside closing. I knew it was probably my brother coming home from work. 

“y/n, I gotta goI’ll see you tomorrow at the party ok. I hope the lesson helps”. I barely nod my lips still swollen.

“Ya, that’s a good idea, you know how miguel gets with you here….bye…”, I feel dizzy and high at the same time. He turns to leave.

I finally got my first kiss and he was right. It was everything;meaningful, passionate hungry and perfect. I wanted more. 

I smile putting down my diary remembering that kiss like it was yesterday rather than years ago. He never came to that party the next day and kissing Chris was nothing compared to kissing Tae that night in my room. He had ruined kissing for me nearly to this day. 

[madeofcigarettes]

Hi ed tumblr im back :)

Ive been recovering for abt 6 months now, my lowest weight was 108 and my initial gw was 103 and my cw is now 135. There wasnt a moment i didn’t think abt @na, i missed her a lot weirdly is like having a best friend at all times who’s also your worst enemy and hates you but i love it, i gained a lot of weight because i had extreme hunger and i let it consume me, on top of that i got zoloft prescribed which gives this little chemical to your brain that makes you more hungry, when i got this prescribed i cried to my psychiatrist because i already was hating myself for binging and gaining some weight but the medicine just made it worse, i stopped taking it and my bf broke up with me like 3 days ago because im too emotionally stable and insecure, which is why i decided im going back to my old ways for sure, that way i can stop thinking if all the girls that he sleep before or dated were skinnier or prettier then me because im wanna be the most perfect and im gonna achieve no matter how hard it is.

(please be mean to me or say anything to help me go back i really need it so bad and id appreciate it a lot <3)

I looked almost perfect at my lw :(

[renegadeontherunn]

9, 14, 23 for the ask game.

didn't have to be so aggressive about it reese but fine...

LAKJSDLKJASDKLAJ JK JK I SAW YOUR OTHER ASK YOURE ALL GOOD LAKJSDKLASDLA ILY

from these end of the year asks!

9. best month for you this year?

probably april! i was really really busy but with mostly fun things! and i did a lot of fun stuff with my friends since it was my + another friend's birthday! i turned 21 which was fun + i really enjoyed my classes last semester, + april is when they all started coming to a peak!

14. favorite book you read this year?

probably The Lies of Locke Lamora by scott lynch! it was so long but moved pretty quickly + i really loved all the characters. wish it had more women though :////. and i cried so much at the end lakjsdlkajsdl but i really enjoyed it!

23. if you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

HI GIRL QUEEN I LOVE YOU also DO NOT get on zoloft it will NOT BE FUN just go straight to lexapro. also you should get tested for adhd im so serious just ask your doctor im begging you. ALSO ALSO everything will be okay! i'm rooting for you! i love you!!! you're doing great!!! feel your feelings and buy more panera!!! don't fall in love with [insert name of straight girl friend here] if you can help it!!!! get the footage from [director of short film i was (will be?) in] before he goes off the grid bc i'm literally still waiting for it! go to class! YOURE GONNA DO GREAT!!! I LOVE YOU!!! EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!!

[screamingiminlovewithyou]

Tell me about each show you’ve been to and your seats!!!

oh fun!!! I became a fan in 2009, but due to terrible anxiety and not-right medicine (thanks, Zoloft), I didn’t attend the Fearless tour when she came back around in 2010. I remember my sister and her friend were going but my mom said she couldn’t attend and I could go with my sister or not at all. The me of today reply regrets this.

2011- Speak Now Tour in Sunrise. 6/3/2011. This was my firsttttt concert! I wore this shirt and I think I was in 7th grade. That isn’t how I remember the shirt, it was the pictures from Hey Stephen in the Fearless Booklet. However, i do remember having a meltdown about my outfit and eating teriyaki chicken. We were in nosebleeds and I couldn’t really see a thing. I don’t remember it that much.

2011- Speak Now 11/13/11. She came back around and my mom and I got tickets in the lower bowl for like 97 each. It was SO much fun. I made a sign that said I love love love you but I was too shy to hold it up. She came so close on the love story float. I wore the haunted speak now shirt that I still have.

2013- Red tour Miami 4/13/13 (she loves Florida on the 13th). My mom and I went and I remember being at school and SO ready to go. I wore black glitter Keds. Black high waisted shorts. A red glitter 13 on my hands. And this shirt. My friend at the time (we just fell out after graduation but I loved her), had nosebleeds and my mom very kindly gave her her seat and sat with her aunt. We had a blast. Taylor sang today was a fairytale.

2015- 1989 tour NC. I think 6/15/15? Maybe? Or 6/8? Cursed trip due to my mom’s dreaded ex and I was so desperate to meet taylor i sort of put myself in a mood. However, I gave taylor nation a whole booklet of letters from fans. Last arena show I saw of hers.

2015- 1989 Tour Tampa 10/31/15. Went with the same friend and we had nosebleeds but it was the BEST! Leaving was a disaster filled with ant bites, being stranded, exploding diet cokes, and bus rides to unknown locations. We made it home though.

2018- Rep tour Tampa 8/14/18. Same friend and had a BLAST!! We had lower bowl and a great view. She sang invisible and the person who requested it was behind me and was extremely emotional lol.

2018- Rep Tour Miami 8/18/18- Got last minute tickets on StubHub for 100 (fuck!) and went with a different friend and my mom. Had last row seats but it was worth it! She sang breathe and I cried cause that song makes me think of my parents divorce and i didn’t want to hear it lol. My mom was also had lowkey sassy to me so I was a little irate. Had frat bros near me who spilled some beer on my leg.

2023- Eras Tampa- 4/14/23- Middle bowl but I didn’t wear my contacts and was so mad at myself. Magical nonetheless and she sang The Great War and YOYOK for the first time. I left needing so badly to go again that I was led onto a journey of desperation, scammers, and depression. I believe someone near me spilled some beer on me, AGAIN!

2023- Eras Minneapolis 6/24/23- Lowerbowl and amazing seats! Wack ass couple in front of me and the man was like nine feet tall and the girl was drunk and pissy and they completely blocked me from seeing. They were rude and I cried and my mom attempted to ask security for assistance but he was rude as fuck. I cried during the whole lover set cause I couldn’t see anything (of course you can dance and have fun but bro if you’re that tall and you guys are being that annoying have some decorum. I was just so happy to be there and so excited that my bubble was dramatically bursted when i realized i was completely visually blocked. But they ended up scooting over and so did i but I’ll never forgive them). Dear John and Daylight.

2024- Eras MIAMIIII 10/18/24. Last minute tickets. Restricted seats but the view was fine. We had an easy time seeing. Some drunk girls in front of us who also blocked our views and were asked by not just my mother (she can be a bit Karen-like at times) but others to move a little or chill and they were not having it…but eventually they just moved before taylor even came on. I wanted NOTHING more than a fearless or debut song, specifically Tim McGraw cause i never went to the fearless tour and I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE SANG IT!!!!!!!!!! With timeless. I also wanted a folklore song, specifically mirrorball or this is me trying and she sang TIMT. I weirdly had a moment in the car driving down where I felt like she was going to play daylight again and, yes, she did! But that’s okay. It was perfect and I’m so happy i went!!

[thepeachyouhadtopick]

ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY | Chapter Twenty-Three

Ell announces her comeback gig, and puts Johnny, Chris and Dimitry through their paces at some rugby training.

Thanks for all your kind feedback on the last chapter! I hope this one is ok, it's taken me a while to get it to a point I've been happy to publish it. Obviously I *had* to include the rugby skit in here while the gang are in London. I've also linked the song included in the chapter below, as always it's a real song but in this AU it's written by Ell; all credit goes to the original writers and I'm not claiming it as my own. I'm really enjoying developing Johnny and Ell as a couple and the next few chapters will see some big events take place for their relationship so stay tuned. Also just a little note - I'm aware that in the actual skit, the rugby team they train with is the London Irish. I prefer rugby league over rugby union so I changed the team for a local rugby league team instead :'D

Content warnings for this chapter: smut (male receiving oral, sex, cum swallowing), alcohol

Taglist: @lizey-thornberry @babybammargera @zolofts (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!)

‘hey everyone! <3 thnx for all the nice messages about me joining the Jackass cast! u won’t see me on the series that’s on right now but we think s2 will begin airing in feb 2001 so u can see me then! it’s been another fun few weeks shooting stunts and hanging with my fav people. i’m so lucky to have met this gang thanks to my best friend steve-o. if u haven’t seen the show yet i know ur gonna love them all as much as i do! we’re shooting a few bits in london this week. it’s v strange to be back here but part of me has rly missed it. on that note… i’m posting today because i have some more exciting news! since i’m in town all week i decided to play a little one-off gig! it’s at dublin castle in camden THIS FRIDAY NIGHT and the only way u can get tickets is to be there on the night. it’s first come, first served and the capacity is only 200 - it’s a lot smaller than the last venue i played for u all, but i just wanted to do a special intimate show so i can try out my new music. u might love it, u might hate it, i just know i'm so proud of what i've been working on recently so i rly hope u do love it. fingers crossed i will be back to do a bigger show in the near future! doors will open at 7:30 and i will be playing 8:30 - 10pm. i am so excited to play all of my new songs for u and i hope u are going to like them all! see u friday night. i love u all! <3’ Ell could hardly sit still at the group’s dinner the night before after confirming her gig at the Dublin Castle pub in Camden. Luckily, the venue had had a cancellation on the Friday so the landlord Alo was more than happy to give Ell the slot. She’d been so giddy she could barely eat her meal - that was until Steve-O told her to take a breath and eat otherwise he’d eat it for her.

Continue reading

[jen-with-a-pen]

Hi everyone

I doubt anyone will actually read this, but this is just my little shout into the void in regards to a huge life event :)

I graduated college today.

Okay so I actually graduated in December, but I got to walk with my friends and have my family see me and all that.

I have waited my whole life for this and not many people outside of my partner and best friends know this, but I almost didn't make it.

Last year, and ever since, Ive struggled heavily with suicide and suicidal ideation. I thought I wasn't gonna live to see my 21st birthday, let alone my graduation. On top of being the oldest daughter and first gen kid of my parents, a massive pandemic and isolation, and debilitating mental health (thanks Zoloft fuck you), I'm honestly amazed I made it.

But I made it, though. I made it out alive.

I've been fortunate enough to have been working full-time in my field since January, alongside my partner of 5½ years finally getting to move in with me. I am in no way bragging or turning my nose up at others, but I do want to acknowledge my privilege and place in life right now that puts me ahead of others that I graduated with. I'm extremely fortunate to have even found work, let alone doing what I love and for a good cause.

I'm just proud. Proud of myself. And my body. And my brain. We made it here. I made it here.

This really didn't have an end goal message or anything. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Here's a pic of my kitty cat if you've made it this far. And my university stole. Hopefully I didn't just doxx myself lol

Anyways, thanks for reading. Hopefully I'll be writing more soon. Who knows? Life is fucking weird.

[syrips]

hey mini reminder that if you dont feel like your medication is working it's okay to keep speaking with professionals and trying different treatments until you find one that 'clicks' with you

i was on prozac for 2-3 months and it was okay but felt like it wasnt really clicking at all for me. so i told my psychiatrist and he was like 'yea so that's kinda weird. let's change your treatment'

then i moved over to zoloft with IOP and oh my GOD i can SLEEP. i can TASTE food. i can FEEL the warmth of the sun on my face. i can SMELL the grass and trees in the air. i can SEE how bright color is. everything is beautiful. i sing and happy stim without me even realizing it sometimes. music is even more beautiful. people are so precious and lovely. and i didnt realize these changes until i looked back. until other friends told me how i seem much more in peace.

yet, my mind kept saying, 'is it even working?' SO. i started (and i recommend) using a google docs/mental health journal (i know, cliche but it helps) to document how you feel and function, at least for 1-4 months when changing/starting treatments, until you can be aware of the changes or growth (or lack of) itself. doesnt have to be expensive, can use notepad or anything. just something to document it.

it makes me sad when i see people posting memes or vents about how their medication isnt working. and like, i know, maybe it isnt doing enough or maybe it's frustrating because you just want to feel in peace. (but on a side note being frustrated is also an emotion that you can/should talk to a professional about) but like, dont give up, keep trying, be vocal about it, keep speaking until a professional listens and helps you in that way that it 'clicks'. it may be medication, treatment, or some combination of stuff. keep trying until you find your golden treatment. treatment isnt always a '100% instant cure', but there should be a moment where you do or notice something and go, 'hey, i did that, so easily??' or 'wow, i would have NEVER done this years/months ago, i finally did the happy thing. for myself.' or 'i like this. i want more.'

either way i wish you all the best, i know its hard and chaotic but once you find it i hope you too will feel the warmth of the sun and the smell of the flowers and just have a moment of 'yes. this is peace.'

[drivenbywords]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭.

"𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘕𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨." - Unknown I placed the pen down on my desk as the ink finished gliding its way along the papers. The final fucking letters. Out of what seemed like a billion of them that were written in the span of a year. I thought I would feel some weight lift up my chest after that, but nothing changed. The burden was still there, it even grew a bit after finishing the last of the letters to my loved ones. I turned my head over to the bottle, 100mg of Zoloft, on the drawer near my neatly made bed. I didn’t know what emotion was more prominent; I was tired, drained, scared, guilty, excited, and even conflicted. Everything was overwhelming me, but I knew that this needed to be done. It should’ve happened way earlier in life, but here we are. I grabbed the antidepressants before making my journey over to the bathroom, with a bottle of water in my other hand to make things easier for me to consume. My eyes immediately scanned the tub, thinking that was the perfect place to rest. I took a soft breath before locking the door behind me. I tried being quiet, but then I realized I was home alone that night. Which made things a bit more calming for me. But it was a quick moment before the anxiety kicked in once again. I took my time sitting down in the bathtub before setting the bottle downright next to me. My breathing was already chaotic, but when I sat down, it escalated to a whole new level. My body had a mind of its own with tears running down my cheeks unprompted. I closed my eyes with my head and my upper body resting back on the shower wall as I tried to control my breathing. In through the nose, out from the mouth.

All I could think about were the multiple letters I wrote that were back in my bedroom, causing my hand to cramp up at the thought of them. I started out writing to my friends, then my last couple ones were to my family. I vomited anything and everything that came from my brain and wrote it down on paper. I told my mom she was the best thing in my life, and I wouldn’t be where I was if it wasn’t for her. I told my dad it was okay to express your emotions and problems; he was similar to me in the fact that we both felt like a burden if we talked about our obstacles, but I wrote that the important people in your life will never make you feel like one if you open up about things. Even wrote a ‘pinky promise’ at the end of his letter. I hesitated on doing one to Michael due to my traumatic past with him, but all I could write was that I forgave him. Not for him, but for myself. I deserve peace, even if I get to experience that for only a few minutes. 

I finally got the strength to say, ‘fuck it’ and grab the pills and water, staring at them from what felt like years. This was one of those moments where you just had to go for it and not overthink because if you did, you’d go nowhere from here. So, I saw this as like ripping a damn bandage. I took the caps off of the colander before bringing the pills to my lips and downing them like they were shots of Blueberry Lemonade vodka. I didn’t care about anything or anyone at the moment. I just needed the voices to stop and the pain to finally end. I’ve been aching and suffering for so long; I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to finally get that release of euphoria and relief that I’ve been waiting for. I was doing this for the little girl that dreamt of being seen and heard by the world, and I guess the only way I would achieve that goal was to end my life.

I threw the empty bottles towards the door just to get them out of my sight. I didn’t want them near me, I didn’t want to see them. I had sunk more into the tub as it finally hit what I just did. The realization struck like a building felt on me, but it didn’t make me feel worse. Each minute passed by, and it felt like the slowest of times, so I decided to open my eyes and skim along at my surroundings for what I thought would be the last time. The shower curtains that mom bought at a garage sale a few months back. The dent on the wall was from my brother elbowing it after his first breakup. The re-painting of the walls after I scribbled random products of my mom’s makeup from a stupid fight we had. Everything was bittersweet for me. Then I felt my throat acting funny, so I coughed a bit to get it out of me. Which led me to having a cough attack and feeling my whole body having the same effect. I guess this was the start of it all and in life, in order to experience the relief, you have to experience the suffering. So, I tried my hardest not to fight the first stages of agony, I just needed to let it happen. I closed my eyes and attempted to let out one last breath before wincing in more pain and discomfort, resting my head on the rim of the bathtub.

My body began to shake, and I couldn’t control it, but I didn’t care at that point. I wanted it to happen and that was when my mind started getting foggy from there. The last thing I vaguely remembered was the voice of my mom as both her and my dad returned home from a family function. She was calling out my name.

“Jen? Jenna! We’re back!”

I faintly heard her checking my room with my dad following her up the stairs. I heard some knocking on the bathroom door.

Then it went dark..

..For what seemed like an eternity, I fluttered my eyes open to observe a hospital room with needles and fluids punctured in my body. It was hard to breathe for a bit, but it was somewhat manageable. I saw a pile of papers on a table in front of the bed. I assumed they were the letters I had written to basically every fucking person on the planet. Never thought I’d see those again. My eyes moved to my hand being held by my mother, who was sound asleep next to me. My dad was also knocked out on the chair near the door, which was partially opened. I squeezed her hand gently, but good enough for her to shift and lift her head up. I could see the stained tears on her cheeks as she grew a faint genuine smile on her face. She leaned down to kiss the back of my hand before speaking softly enough for me to hear. “My beautiful baby girl... It’s really amazing to see you again.”

I still kept my silence as I moved my head back to the letters. It felt like they were staring into my soul, and I felt uncomfortable, but tried my hardest not to show any negativity on my face. I wanted to be strong for her. After all, she did see her daughter overdosing in her bathtub. I could feel the sorrow and agony I poured into them with each word, but I kept my composure. My mom’s eyes followed mine to the table, giving me a nod.

“I read them. All of them... I didn’t know it was that bad and I didn’t listen. I didn’t think I would be able to be here so I could apologize and tell you how much both me and your father love you, dear.”

I could feel the pain in her words, they were ripping me apart inside. I knew this would break her. I didn’t want to be the reason for my mom’s suffering. But I didn’t want to lie for my last words. Well, 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 last words. I slowly lifted my hand away from her grip to graze her cheek, brushing her skin with my thumb gently to wipe the last of her tear before I spoke for the first time. It was rather softer than usual. Only for her to hear.

“Mom, I’m here.”

[kimmysurveyblog]

32

Do you have the right time set on your microwave?: I doubt it!

Do you have any old newspaper articles? Why?: Nope.

Do you have a flat screen tv or just a regular box?: Flat.

Do you have a radar detector for your car?: Idk what that means.

Have you ever been arrested? For what?: Nope.

Do you know how to change the oil in your car?: No.

Have you taken your shower yet?: Nope. I shower in the evening after my toddler goes to bed.

Do you like Tootsie Rolls?: Nooo.

Do you have a printer? What kind?: We do have one! We bought it like 2 months ago and haven't set it up yet. No idea what brand.

Are you seeing anybody currently?: My boyfriend! 6 years in 5 days. :)

Do you or have you ever smoked cigarettes?: I did in my 20s but I quit 3.5 years ago.

Do you like it when it snows?: I LOVE it when it snows! Almost that time of year!

Are your ears pierced?: Yes.

Where do you do most of your shopping?: I don't have one specific grocery store I go to. We alternate between like 6 of them lol.

Who do you live with?: My boyfriend, our daughter, our dog, 17 fish and 3 aquarium snails. :P

What is your most expensive bill?: Mortgage.

Do you have a big yard?: Not big but I'm grateful we have one!

Do you live in the country or the city?: Small city.

Do you sleep alone or with someone every night?: My boyfriend.

Did you have a treehouse as a child?: Nope.

At what age did you obtain your driver license?: I don't drive.

Do you look in the newspaper for coupons?: No.

Did you get a big tax refund from last year?: Not big.

Do you like Slim Jim’s?: I'm not sure what that is.

Is there someone you would love to punch right now?: My neurologist lol. Stupid asshole. I need to find a new one but the closest is 1.5 hours away and my MIL would have to miss work to either drive me there or babysit my daughter. She's happy to but I'd feel awful so I'm going to put it off for as long as possible.

Did you grow up fast?: Unfortunately.

What are you favorite kind of chips?: Ketchup.

Have you taken any medicine recently? For what?: Zoloft for depression.

What have you eaten today?: Sandwich.

Did you or are you going to wash your hair today?: Nope! I did yesterday.

Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm?: Yes.

Where did you go today?: To the park.

Are you sleepy right now?: No.

What color is your mousepad?: I don't use one.

Should you be doing something else at the moment?: I have to pee lol.

Do you like your neighbors?: Yes! They're nice and love my daughter.

Do you have bedroom shoes?: No.

Do you get your eyebrows waxed?: No.

Has anyone given you flowers recently?: Yes.

Do you work Monday thru Friday?: I'm a SAHM but if you count that as a job then yes lol. Best job ever, spending time with my girl!

Is there anything you are looking forward to tomorrow?: Nope.

How many miles does your car have on it?: No idea.

Is your alarm clock set to radio or beep?: Music.

Do you like to go fishing?: No.

Has anyone you know been arrested recently?: No.

Do you have more than 1 email address?: Yes.

Do you think you will have the same job 2 years from now?: Yup!

Do you have central heating and air?: Both.

Do you speed while driving?: I don't drive.

Is there someplace you would rather be right now?: No.

Did you build the computer you are using?: No, my friend did.

Do you have good computer speakers?: They're fine.

Are you waiting on anything at the moment?: My daughter to wake up from her nap!

Where is your favorite person?: My partner is working and my daughter is sleeping. They're both my favourite person. :P

Do you keep track of your debit purchases?: No.

Do you ever shop at Harris Teeter? Not sure what that is.

Do you like to burn incense?: Before I had my daughter.

Are there any plants in your house?: Flowers in the kitchen.

How long does it take you to get to work?: I'm a SAHM.

[yurigalactica]

For the ask game: 15, 20, 31, 63, 70, 88, 99

:D

jinx hi!!! :D

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

honestly, i've never minded either. it always seems like i end up behind the camera though, or the only one of my friends with a camera out. i guess the reason i always have a camera out is because i really want to capture as many of the good memories as i can so i don't forget them. and i know that sometimes it makes me seem weird, but honestly, nothing brings me more joy than watching five-year-old videos of my friends fucking around and laughing in the backseat of our parents' cars. and especially lately it's strange to watch videos of my friends and i back when we were thirteen, since we're all eighteen now and we're so much different than we used to be. it really puts into perspective just how much we've all grown up. on another note, i got a polaroid camera for my 18th birthday about six months ago, and i've been burning so much of my money on film for it (like literally hundreds. film is so fucking expensive it hurts) but honestly i think it's worth it because now i have a massive wall of polaroid photos that are a little bit washed out, a little unfocused, and a short caption and the date written in my own hasty scrawl on the bottom. all of these memories, imperfect as they are, put up in a place where i can see them all the time, really reminds me that i'm not as alone as i think. and i can't wait to take more once i start college.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

my greatest weakness is my crippling anxiety. my greatest strength is my zoloft prescription. Get Owned dopamine imbalance

but in reality, my greatest weakness is definitely my anxiety. it's genuinely fucked me up in more ways than i can count, and looking back now, i'm shocked that i didn't realize that i was a severely anxious kid. my worst fear at age nine was dying slowly and painfully of heart disease, which i was fully convinced was going to happen to me. at age NINE. and i didn't even get officially diagnosed until i was sixteen??? what the fuck?????????? that's not a concern a normal nine year old should be having at all

my greatest strength, though, has gotta be my empathy. my experiences regarding my mental health struggles has been helpful in the sense that i know what it's like to feel really fucking awful. and i know it's something that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. so when someone talks to me about feeling like that, i feel like i can relate to them. and thus i feel like i can help them a little better. i'm in no way perfect, but i'm trying my best to be there for my friends when they need it, and that's gotta count for something.

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?

funnily enough i went to smell the air and i smelled smoke so i had to run around my house and apparently my father left the stove on before he left the house and the kitchen was filling with gas. fun times!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

probably just listening to people talk about what they like. i love it when people listen to me rant on and on and on about stuff i'm passionate about, so i've always assumed it's the same for other people. so far it's worked pretty well.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

not to sound cocky, but absolutely. part of the reason is probably because my love language is physical touch and...none of my irl friends are the same way. i have never platonically cuddled with the homies and that gives me the Big Sad™. i want a platonic bestie who i can cuddle with in bed and discuss my existential fears with. is that too much to ask for

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

a certain floridian politican that i shall not refer to by name. what the fuck did the trans kids do to you to make you hate them so damn much my dude

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

hating people who are different than you is never going to bring you any fulfilment. not everyone is going to adhere to your way of life, and you should stop expecting them to. the world is so much more beautiful with it's diversity, with all its people of different races, genders, sexualities, beliefs, religions, all of it. think of it as a field of wildflowers in a mountain valley. sure, a field of poppies is alright, but it's so much more breathtaking when it's also got cornflowers, asters, daisies, violets, alliums, and yarrows—when there's all different kinds of flowers growing in harmony together. when it's like that, it's got the whole rainbow spectrum. it feels like art. it feels complete. there's no reason to be afraid of people who are different than you, because we're all still people, with dreams and aspirations and hopes and fears and passions. we're all doing our best to be happy. it will never be worth it to try to take that away from someone. go live your life. let them live theirs.