#you guys sound like Mormons

[dynamitekansai]

[diamondnokouzai]

we need to stop engaging with conservatives/evangelists on their terms. god didnt make men and women to be like anything because theres no such thing as god. no eden no eve no jesus none of it.

[inkskinned]

every fucking conversation on the internet looks like

subject matter expert: hey :) i'm here to help, i love you and this subject matter. i studied really hard and have literal years of training and experience with this. please make this 1 very small change to your life that is virtually no effort whatsoever and will help the environment and everyone around you.

random guy: i don't like that because my life will have to change. what if the change is impossible for me specifically. you cannot ask me either to stop or start an action - i will do whatever i want forever and i am offended you even asked about that because it would be a change in my life. plus what if it sounds like no effort but it's huge effort. what if i made that change and then i died because of it.

subject matter expert: again, it's not really a lot of effort, but of course we understand there might be a lot of reasons (medical, financial, etc) that you can't make this change, so we have experts who have created programs/infographics/alternatives so you can make this change smoothly. but of course maybe if it would actually kill you - we have compiled a very big list on other ways you can help out! :) we are just trying to make the world a better place for you and those around you :)

random guy: this is propaganda because of Big Subject Matter. this is going to destroy me and my life forever. where is your proof. i saw you attached studies but i don't want to read them. i really liked doing this thing to harm the environment and those around me and now they are saying that i cannot do that and i am just wondering how do we know you are an expert? my mormon lobster who uses flags to communicate has a different opinion than you and i trust Mormon Lobster . he Knows things :)

[inbabylontheywept]

How is your life so interesting

Normally, I just kind of laugh this question off, but I've been asked enough times I'm gonna take an honest stab at it.

So, the first thing worth considering is whether the story itself is all that interesting, or whether I am just a good storyteller. My most popular story is about cutting a lot of worms and half, and crying, and then being comforted by my mom. That's not a terribly uncommon or hard to imagine event. A lot of my stories more about the telling than the substance.

There are also some stories that are weird, but they're weird in ways that I also find, like, relateably weird? It might just be that I knew a lot of athletes in college, but I don't think eating raw eggs is that weird. Eating 15 in one go is, but I was roommates with a guy that ate like, three for breakfast, three in his in-class protein shake, and another three at dinner. That guy was attending ASU on a gymnast scholarship, but also, he genuinely ate 5 dozen eggs a week. That seems much more normal than eating 15 in one day.

To say nothing of eating raw onion. Tons of people eat raw onions. It baffles the non-onion eaters, but it's a super common thing. Especially in Mexico.

Some of the stories happen because I am better at noticing story-worthy events than most people. I can't tell you how many times I've been in public, and seen someone do some weirdass thing, and then had to nudge my wife and to get her to watch it too.

If I had to point to the parts of my life that are truly, genuinely, bafflingly weird, they would be my dating stories, and. I dunno. My general thermonuclear dumbass event posts. And I can break down why those two are interesting pretty simply:

I was unbelievably bad at dating. The majority of the time, that just meant that there was a few minutes of stilted small talk and never get a call back. But the thing is, Mormon culture strongly encourages dating as like, a social-practice thing, and I was very motivated to get good at it, so I just kept trying and trying and I think I went on at least 200 first dates before meeting my wife. I genuinely believe that if anyone went on 200 first dates, they would get some pretty incredible bad date stories too. Especially if they had autism. I know I write well, and I can sound very charming here, but it took me a very, very long to get decent social skills. I am just a disturbingly persistent learner.

I am very convincing. This is helpful when I am interacting with other people, because it can do things like, convince them to let me into their secret facility, or convince them to not vote Republican again, or to save at least put the company match into their retirement accounts. But when I'm just debating something with myself, my convincingness works against me: I am very good at tricking myself into believing that bad ideas are, somehow, actually good. This is part of why I have so much sympathy for the right wing lunatics that I work with. Every time I meet a crazy person I go, ah, but for the grace of God, go I. Anyway, this does an unfortunate thing where my excellent verbal skills drive my poor decisions, which results in the very odd combination of welll written, articulate stories about someone being A Fucking Idiot. Like the condom bomber story. I think this is also why most of the lawyers that I meet are insane in their personal lives.

Anyway, those are my theories! I'm gonna tag @lizardho because we mostly had the same childhood, but she has a better grasp on what normal people look like than me, and perhaps she'll have her own theories on the weirdness of our lives.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Kickstarting a new Martin Hench novel about the dawn of enshittification

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/01/07/weird-pcs/#a-mormon-bishop-an-orthodox-rabbi-and-a-catholic-priest-walk-into-a-personal-computing-revolution

Picks and Shovels is a new, standalone technothriller starring Marty Hench, my two-fisted, hard-fighting, tech-scam-busting forensic accountant. You can pre-order it on my latest Kickstarter, which features a brilliant audiobook read by @wilwheaton:

http://martinhench.com

This is the third Hench novel, following on from the nationally bestselling The Bezzle (2024) and Red Team Blues (2023). I wrote Red Team Blues with a funny conceit: what if I wrote the final volume of a beloved, long-running series, without writing the rest of the series? Turns out, the answer is: "Your editor will buy a whole bunch more books in the series!"

My solution to this happy conundrum? Write the Hench books out of chronological order. After all, Marty Hench is a financial hacker who's been in Silicon Valley since the days of the first PCs, so he's been there for all the weird scams tech bros have dreamed up since Jobs and Woz were laboring in their garage over the Apple I. He's the Zelig of high-tech fraud! Look hard at any computing-related scandal and you'll find Marty Hench in the picture, quietly and competently unraveling the scheme, dodging lawsuits and bullets with equal aplomb.

Which brings me to Picks and Shovels. In this volume, we travel back to Marty's first job, in the 1980s – the weird and heroic era of the PC. Marty ended up in the Bay Area after he flunked out of an MIT computer science degree (he was too busy programming computers to do his classwork), and earning his CPA at a community college.

Silicon Valley in the early eighties was wild: Reaganomics stalked the land, the AIDS crisis was in full swing, the Dead Kennedys played every weekend, and man were the PCs ever weird. This was before the industry crystalized into Mac vs PC, back when no one knew what they were supposed to look like, who was supposed to use them, and what they were for.

Marty's first job is working for one of the weirder companies: Fidelity Computing. They sound like a joke: a computer company run by a Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest and an orthodox rabbi. But the joke's on their customers, because Fidelity Computing is a scam: a pyramid sales cult that exploits religious affinities to sell junk PCs that are designed to lock customers in and squeeze them for every dime. A Fidelity printer only works with Fidelity printer paper (they've gimmicked the sprockets on the tractor-feed). A Fidelity floppy drive only accepts Fidelity floppies (every disk is sold with a single, scratched-out sector and the drives check for an error on that sector every time they run).

Marty figures out he's working for the bad guys when they ask him to destroy Computing Freedom, a scrappy rival startup founded by three women who've escaped from Fidelity Computing's cult: a queer orthodox woman who's been kicked out of her family; a radical nun who's thrown in with the Liberation Theology movement in opposing America's Dirty Wars; and a Mormon woman who's quit the church in disgust at its opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment. The women of Computing Freedom have a (ahem) holy mission: to free every Fidelity customer from the prison they were lured into.

Marty may be young and inexperienced, but he can spot a rebel alliance from a light year away and he knows what side he wants to be on. He joins the women in their mission, and we're deep into a computing war that quickly turns into a shooting war. Turns out the Reverend Sirs of Fidelity Computer aren't just scammers – they're mobbed up, and willing to turn to lethal violence to defend their racket.

This is a rollicking crime thriller, a science fiction novel about the dawn of the computing revolution. It's an archaeological expedition to uncover the fossil record of the first emergence of enshittification, a phenomenon that was born with the PC and its evil twin, the Reagan Revolution.

The book comes out on Feb 15 in hardcover and ebook from Macmillan (US/Canada) and Bloomsbury (UK), but neither publisher is doing the audiobook. That's my department.

Why? Well, I love audiobooks, and I especially love the audiobooks for this series, because they're read by the incredible Wil Wheaton, hands down my favorite audiobook narrator. But that's not why I retain my audiobook rights and produce my own audiobooks. I do that because Amazon's Audible service refuses to carry any of my audiobooks.

Here's how that works: Audible is a division of Amazon, and they've illegally obtained a monopoly over the audiobook market, controlling more than 90% of audiobook sales in many genres. That means that if your book isn't for sale on Audible, it might as well not exist.

But Amazon won't let you sell your books on Audible unless you let them wrap those books in "digital rights management," a kind of encryption that locks them to Audible's authorized players. Under Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, it's a felony punishable with a 5-year sentence and a $500k fine to supply you with a tool to remove an audiobook from Audible and play it on a rival app. That applies even if the person who gives you the tool is the creator of the book!

You read that right: if I make an audiobook and then give you the tools to move it out of Amazon's walled garden, I could go to prison for five years! That's a stiffer sentence than you'd face if you were to just pirate the audiobook. It's a harsher penalty than you'd get for shoplifting the book on CD from a truck-stop. It's more draconian than the penalty for hijacking the truck that delivers the CDs!

Amazon knows that every time you buy an audiobook from Audible, you increase the cost you'll have to pay if you switch to a competitor. They use that fact to give readers a worse deal (last year they tried out ads in audiobooks!). But the people who really suffer under this arrangement are the writers, whom Amazon abuses with abandon, knowing they can't afford to leave the service because their readers are locked into it. That's why Amazon felt they could get away with stealing $100 million from indie audiobook creators (and yup, they got away with it):

https://www.audiblegate.com/about

Which is why none of my books can be sold with DRM. And that means that Audible won't carry any of them.

For more than a decade, I've been making my own audiobooks, in partnership with the wonderful studio Skyboat Media and their brilliant director, Gabrielle de Cuir:

https://skyboatmedia.com/

I pay fantastic narrators a fair wage for their work, then I pay John Taylor Williams, the engineer who masters my podcasts, to edit the books and compose bed music for the intro and outro. Then I sell the books at every store in the world – except Audible and Apple, who both have mandatory DRM. Because fuck DRM.

Paying everyone a fair wage is expensive. It's worth it: the books are great. But even though my books are sold at many stores online, being frozen out of Audible means that the sales barely register.

That's why I do these Kickstarter campaigns, to pre-sell thousands of audiobooks in advance of the release. I've done six of these now, and each one was a huge success, inspiring others to strike out on their own, sometimes with spectacular results:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/books/2022/04/01/brandon-sanderson-kickstarter-41-million-new-books/7243531001/

Today, I've launched the Kickstarter for Picks and Shovels. I'm selling the audiobook and ebook in DRM-form, without any "terms of service" or "license agreement." That means they're just like a print book: you buy them, you own them. You can read them on any equipment you choose to. You can sell them, give them away, or lend them to friends. Rather than making you submit to 20,000 words of insulting legalese, all I ask of you is that you don't violate copyright law. I trust you!

Speaking of print books: I'm also pre-selling the hardcover of Picks and Shovels and the paperbacks of The Bezzle and Red Team Blues, the other two Marty Hench books. I'll even sign and personalize them for you!

http://martinhench.com

I'm also offering five chances to commission your own Marty Hench story – pick your favorite high-tech finance scam from the past 40 years of tech history, and I'll have Marty bust it in a custom short story. Once the story is published, I'll make sure you get credit. Check out these two cool Little Brother stories my previous Kickstarter backers commissioned:

Spill

https://reactormag.com/spill-cory-doctorow/

Vigilant

https://reactormag.com/vigilant-cory-doctorow/

I'm heading out on tour this winter and spring with the book. I'll be in LA, San Francisco, San Diego, Burbank, Bloomington, Chicago, Richmond VA, Toronto, NYC, Boston, Austin, DC, Baltimore, Seattle, and other dates still added. I've got an incredible roster of conversation partners lined up, too: John Hodgman, Charlie Jane Anders, Dan Savage, Ken Liu, Peter Sagal, Wil Wheaton, and others.

I hope you'll check out this book, and come out to see me on tour and say hi. Before I go, I want to leave you with some words of advance praise for Picks and Shovels:

I hugely enjoyed Picks and Shovels. Cory Doctorow’s reconstruction of the age is note perfect: the detail, the atmosphere, ethos, flavour and smell of the age is perfectly conveyed. I love Marty and Art and all the main characters. The hope and the thrill that marks the opening section. The superb way he tells the story of the rise of Silicon Valley (to use the lazy metonym), inserting the stories of Shockley, IBM vs US Government, the rise of MS – all without turning journalistic or preachy.

The seeds of enshittification are all there… even in the sunlight of that time the shadows are lengthening. AIDS of course, and the coming scum tide of VCs. In Orwellian terms, the pigs are already rising up on two feet and starting to wear trousers. All that hope, all those ideals…

I love too the thesis that San Francisco always has failed and always will fail her suitors.

Despite cultural entropy, enshittification, corruption, greed and all the betrayals there’s a core of hope and honour in the story too.

-Stephen Fry

Cory Doctorow writes as few authors do, with tech world savvy and real world moral clarity. A true storyteller for our times.

-John Scalzi

A crackling, page-turning tumble into an unexpected underworld of queer coders, Mission burritos, and hacker nuns. You will fall in love with the righteous underdogs of Computing Freedom—and feel right at home in the holy place Doctorow has built for them far from Silicon Valley’s grabby, greedy hands."

-Claire Evans, editor of Motherboard Future, author of Broad Band: The Untold Story of the Women Who Made the Internet.

"Wonderful…evokes the hacker spirit of the early personal computer era—and shows how the battle for software freedom is eternal."

-Steven Levy, author of Hackers: Heroes of the Computer Revolution and Facebook: The Inside Story.

What could be better than a Martin Hench thriller set in 1980s San Francisco that mixes punk rock romance with Lotus spreadsheets, dot matrix printers and religious orders? You'll eat this up – I sure did.

-Tim Wu, Special Assistant to the President for Technology and Competition Policy, author of The Master Switch: The Rise and Fall of Information Empires

Captures the look and feel of the PC era. Cory Doctorow draws a portrait of a Silicon Valley and San Francisco before the tech bros showed up — a startup world driven as much by open source ideals as venture capital gold.

-John Markoff, Pulitzer-winning tech columnist for the New York Times and author of What the Doormouse Said: How the Sixties Counterculture Shaped the Personal Computer Industry

You won't put this book down – it's too much fun. I was there when it all began. Doctorow's characters and their story are real.

-Dan'l Lewin, CEO and President of the Computer History Museum

[j3rryw-ot0m]

Edward Cullen NSFW Headcanons 18+

A/N: So I've been thinking about my husband and if Stephanie Meyer's Mormon idles really did affect the characters we know and love, and out came this 🤲🏿

So as far as the premarital sex aspect well...

He'd probably still be very careful with your *ahem* virginity, and considering the fact he lived as a human during the 1910s that would only be expected of him as a gentleman

But I think we also forgot that Edward didn't exactly have a often present male role model before Carlisle. Edward's biological father was a lawyer who basically payed for Edward and his mom's way of life since Edward has little to no memories of him ever hanging out with him and his mother.

So despite the fact that he'd probably still be his prude self, I do think he'd only be against going all the way.. since the Edwardian era was the beginning of less Victorian idles and more sexually freedom.

And if Edward brought any of his particular preferences for his past life I do have to think it would have to be the edwardian eras a fan of crotch-less panties

Like Edward's definitely a Munch I don't make the rules 🤷🏿. I don't think you'd be having oral sex often but definitely enough to make the wait seem worth it

And his constant mentions of being a monster and not being good enough for Bella etc, etc. Makes me think he has the absolute worst corruption kink.

Whether it be in a religious way or a Well inexperienced reader kinda way, not saying he's anymore experienced but he's chosen to be a virgin for decades simply because no one's ever appealed to him and we all saw what he does to someone who does appeals to him so..👀

Also I think he'd definitely sniff your panties, not stolen pair of course but "borrowed", I think we'd definitely slip our panties in his pocket trying to tease or maybe he just forgot to give them back after tasting us.

Either way while they are in his possession he'd realize they smell like you, and he'd just foam out the mouth at the thought of touching you again.

And whenever he wanted a pair from you he'd try to get them from the direct source, and if he couldn't in true Edward fashion he'd probably just borrow some of your's dirty ones and leave a note. (That you most definitely tease him about later😭)

On a less Solo note, guided masturbation is like you guys jam. his velvet voice instructing you on where to touch yourself and how to apply the right amount of pressure on the spot he knows makes you stars.

Before he gets impatient and just decides to replace your hands with his own much faster and vibratey fingers, which always lives you breathless and aching for more.

And yet Edward wouldn't go any further , hell he wouldn't even give you a peek or a squeeze of his own bits despite having his whole face in your often. Not that You'd complain but You'd still be in the complete dark up until the night of the wedding.

Humping or grinding for you City boys ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ is also your jam... But truly humping is how you got into your–as long as his thing doesn't go in your thing it's not cheating situation. (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

You'd guys had probably been making out for a while when his cold hands ran up the bare skin of your back, causing you to jolt down accidently grinding against the length of him.

he halts, and you freeze.

His hands squeezed your waist repeatedly, his eyes pinched shut in thought as you try to mutter out a coherent apology. He squeezes your waist again, "are you–" "I shouldn't."

"We don't have to do anything–" "But I want to.." and that's all you needed to hear before the sound of soft moans and the sound of jeans rubbing against each other filled his room.

You guys of course established the deal of to premarital penetration, and Edward of course establishes your impending wedding date. (⸝⸝> ᴗ•⸝⸝)

Either way you would never be unsatisfied with the predicament you're in, and wedding is barely a month away so...

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

[brothermouse]

Now that I've submitted my Mormon Missionary Isekai story and am thinking about expanding it I think it's alright to tell you guys: The reason I had Elder Flinders be from St. George is because of that one time that J. Golden Kimball said that he would rather live in hell than in St. George and I want to keep that joke running.

Like, Flinders will be talking about home but because of the way Elithrea's climate and culture is, it sounds like he came from hell.

Flinders: You know, this desert actually reminds me of St. George. Except it's a lot hotter and the rocks are red back home.

Klaw, sweating his furry balls off in 90° weather: Hotter than this and stones the color of blood? DID YOU COME FROM THE UNDERWORLD?

Flinders: Funny you should say that, J. Golden Kimball once said- GIANT SCORPION ATTACKS- oh, hey! We have those back home, too! Not this size though.

[gothamite-rambler]

Stephanie, Jason, and Rose flipped through the pages of the second book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Stephanie was ahead of the others, having already completed the book, while Jason and Rose were still reading.

Stephanie (anger growing): The whole thing… I read the entire thing! I thought it would eventually get good when I got to page fifty. Then I went past page two hundred, hoping it would either reveal itself as the abusive malarkey I’ve been reading for two books, and Ana would leave Christian, but no!

Stephanie tossed the book on the floor. Rose covered her mouth with her book, hiding her amused smile. Jason silently stared at the book on the ground.

Stephanie: No! She stays with the bunghole, and this is treated like a romance! And I’m like… what the hell is this? What the hell did I just read? There was no spice! BDSM can't be like this… right?

Jason: I wouldn't know—

Rose: It’s not. This is just a creepy guy with the world's stupidest main character. I think Bella Swan was smarter than this.

Jason (flatly): That’s… not her actual name, is it?

Rose: Her full name is Isabella Swan. You know, a book written by a Mormon about vampires is actually a better read than this.

Stephanie: That's what I'm saying! This trash isn't spicy at all. That was anti-spice!

Jason: Stop saying spicy.

Stephanie: Stop praising Jane Eyre.

Jason: Austen!

Stephanie: Blah! I’m reading the last book regardless, but I won’t be happy about it.

Jason: You could just not read it.

Stephanie: I have to complete this so I can fully hate it.

Rose: I respect that. What did you think of the book, Jacey?

Jason: I think the woman who wrote this is very sheltered and weird.

Rose: You're not wrong. If you want to know what BDSM is truly like, though, we can try it out on that mission we have.

Jason (stammering as he covered his blushing face with the book): Th- That sounds… good.

Stephanie (laughing): Oh, get a room!

[roses-red-and-pink]

Lolol sometimes it’s so funny reading peoples posts about “Mormon” theology that is based on Exmo stories, tradition/culture but not doctrine, and like random statements by some church leader 200 years ago that was not put into doctrine/canonized, or that he was corrected/reprimanded on, and all of us look back on like “well that guy was racist/sexist. Anyways moving on…” like tbh it just makes me laugh. Like I know our theology is a bit different than mainstream Christianity but y’all don’t need to make it sound like we are out here truly believing half the stuff you say about us.

[amazing-spiderlad]

Pspspsps book of mormon fans come here

If you haven't already seen the video of Rory O'malley singing turn it off by himself in his house, you need to see it. This is pure connor mckinley antics and he's perfect.

It's also just him singing the whole song so it makes it sound like this one guy has just had the most traumatic life ever

[abbysimsfun]

Zion Spangler for @riverofjazzsims' A Holiday to Die For!

Hi! My, uh, my name's Zion Spangler, and my coworkers encouraged me to audition for this Holiday to Die For, as ominous as that sounds. They reminded me it can't be much worse than what I deal with at my day job, and I'm 27. Am I in my mid-20s or my late-20s? I don't know what, but I'm starting to feel like I've been holding myself back a bit from finding the right person to share my life with.

I'm not a big dater - I'm married to my job as one of Brindleton PD's finest detectives, and when I clock out, I usually drive a bit out of town to dance all night in the club. I love a bangin' DJ, and maybe I've banged a few DJs in my time! (looks offscreen) Should we cut that? I mean, it's not like I do it all the time. Sure, I've got kinks and I'm bringing my Sasquatch suit just in case, but I'm not that guy, you know? I like to be respectful.

More after the cut because editing said cut...

I'm sorry. There were free drinks in the waiting room and I haven't let loose lately. I'm so rusty. Ask me anything, I dare you! Okay, I'll tell you: I grew up with Mormons and have dreams about living as a spellcaster sometimes. I don't know where they come from, but life can get stressful and in those dreams I get to fly, so I like having them.

We just put this really big case to bed involving a cartel and a body in the Bay, so I really could use a vacation. My coworkers think it's cute that I'm the only single detective on the force and try to set me up any time we go to the Salty Paw after work. But the girls and guys in Brindleton Bay aren't really my scene, and I'm kind of excited to dance the night away with Winter.

What is there to know about me? Well like I said, I'm a detective, married to my job, I'm unflirty, cheerful, and a dance machine. I have level 5 skill in dancing, level 4 fitness, and level 4 logic. I'm bi sometimes, but I don't really put labels on it. You just lock eyes on the dance floor and you don't even need to flirt. You just know.

Favourite Colour: Blue, White (but keep Yellow away from me!) Height: 5'10" What Makes Me Naughty: vibing on the dance floor What Makes Me Nice: when people aren't breaking the law!

I smuggled in a third everyday outfit because, like I said, it's a sasquatch suit. Just in case. *Detective outfit pictured above not included*

My likes and dislikes are plentiful because I'm particular. It's why I'm single!

That's probably good enough for now. Hopefully, Winter likes what she sees, and she and I can see if we vibe on A Holiday to Die For!

Private download for @riverofjazzsims. (I don't use a lot of sliders and made his height up, but if you want to use them, do it! Pretty sure I'm sending him off to die because how do unflirty sims win BCs, so he's yours to toy with as you see fit!)

[citronavalkiro]

Not a Mormon but I found this tag since one of my autistic interests is Mormon church history and I must say you guys are awesome! I really don’t like how the church tends to hide all of their doctrine on space like how there is gods of different planets and Kolob and you could be one too. Like who wouldn’t want the chance to become a god? That sounds like it would appeal to a lot of people! I asked a missionary in high school about that because I really liked that part and he laughed at me saying that it is anti Mormon propaganda which lost me for a while. I also like how you guys are trying to change the church for the better and make it more accepting of people who don’t quite fit the mold. Keep it up!

[lilafunger]

Overly Specific Headcanons about the Religious Sect Olivia and Reila grew up with!

I am Terminally autistic about both cults and generally just Intense and Not So Good For People sects of Christianity and I enjoy thinking about my blorbos' upbringings, so I thought I'd do some Research on real life religious stuff and come up with some headcanons based on all that. I might do the same thing with some of the other characters, because thinking about this is super fun to me, but tbh, doing it with the (ex) Alll-merian guys is probably going to be easiest, because I can lean moreso onto Christianity as an inspiration for practices. anyway yapping under cut V Discussion of some real life religious stuff and also of ableism down there.

FIRSTLY I had to figure out which subdenoms I wanted to take inspiration from, so naturally I started by looking up which ones were most Popular in Germany during the 1930s, around the equivalent of where Olivia and Reila were growing up. It was pretty split between Catholicism and Protestantism, in this particular timeframe of WWII and a short while during the buildup toward it, there seems to have been a sect called The German Evangelical Church, which was much too intertwined with the state and injected much too much Nazi propaganda into its preaching. I'm not gonna go into that too much! Mostly because that's a wildly upsetting topic for a LOT of people and not really necessary, as Funger's own Kaiser has his own slew of horrors he's been getting up to. The German Evangelical Church was sort of a mix of denominations, one of the key figures of which was Lutheranism!

SO. Basically, the Church I'm imagining the Haas family as having grown up with would be a fairly extreme sect of Lutheranist-inspired Alll-merianism with a REAL healthy dose of Kaiser Propaganda in there. I ended up researching a mixture of the German Evangelical Church, hyperconservative and apparently quite cultlike Lutheran sects like WELS.

I think I'll call it the Bremen Evangelical Alll-merian Synod or BEAS...

I don't think the sect is very uh... Pro Science at all. Reject Fallible Human Reason and Embrace Only the Most Literal Interpretation Of Our Alll-merian Texts! Don't look for information from outsiders, you have to be careful of getting caught up in False Doctrine! (In fact, just don't trust other people.) But yea, I think the rejection of human reason and of science fits well with the twins' parents utter reluctance to get her actual help for her condition. and ALSO imagining it having been that way makes the fact both of them grew up to be so academic very satisfying to me.

Very very literal about their Interpretations of The Texts. Very Very Very Literal.

At WELS schools at least, it sounds like there's quite a major culture of No Privacy!!! We just come into your room! Which reminded me of how Ever-watching Olivia and Reilas' parents are described as having been. So I think I can mentally expand on that and make a Thing of it.

I wonder what the Alll-merian equivalent of Luther's Poop Covered In Snow analogy for his ideas on Original Sin is... I'm not actually sure, I'd have to figure out more about the in-universe ideas about sin and stuff. But humans are nasty poop covered in the righteousness of the ascended one. Don't become too self loathing about that.

NOW. Keeping in mind Le'garde's goal of "Uniting" the world, I think one way his nonsense leaks into BEAS is through Mission work!! Good Deeds won't save people, proselytising will! Kinda like the Mormon approach to mission work perhaps? Veeeeeery heavy on the importance of getting people ALL OVER THE PLACE baptised in Alll-mer's name. Just Alll-mer's, definitely not the Yellow King's.

Man this is less about Religion headcanons and more about the twins' upbringing in general but I am Quickly beginning to imagine the parents favouring Reila faaaaaaaar too much. On top of how people can be about disabled people in general, which I could talk about so so much but I won't right now. But I think between her having spent so much of her youth bedbound (she wont be able to grow up and EVANGELISE :( ) and the lack of respect for her particular interests and talents, I think it would be very easy for her to be reduced to being sort of a burden in their eyes. Radiating and Shadowed,,,,

On that note, I did some looking into the real life beliefs about disabled people. What I found was that there's a lot of referring to it as A Way For The Works Of God To Be Displayed In Them and as A Manifestation Of Original Sin. I am... Less sure of how this would be translated to this universe through an Alll-merian lens. Also Martin Luther Himself I believe was a little too pro Murdering Disabled People, identifying at least one kid as a changeling, so the vibes around disabled people in a religious sect partially inspired by WELS can only be... Just. Great. I've heard at least that it's not great to be disabled in that group, but it's hard to find any specific info.

Because of the intensity about the scripture being the only infallible thing, I imagine the Bremen Evangelicals reject Enki's writings of Alll-mer as a creation of Vitruvia, much preferring the original Virgin Mother story.

Leaning into the WELS inspiration and what little I know of that, I think the community can be sort of a popularity contest so to speak...

Maybe Le'garde's goal of uniting the land to bring about a new era is twisted into something wholly unrelated for BEAS, like We All Have To Bring About The New Era for The Second Coming! or something along those lines.

Lutherans in general are in favour of secular healthcare, but Olivia and Reilas' parents notably and canonically are Not... Maybe it's because it's a much more intense group. Don't trust the fallible knowledge of random outsiders, no matter how many degrees they have! We Trust In Alll-mer!

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME

I think the Lutherans are fairly unique in that they do a Last Supper type sacrament that other denoms don't?? idk. But maybe BEAS has some fucked up rituals they do based on that... Considering the nature of Fear and Hunger's setting, maybe in the most most most closed off scary places (Probably not on the kinda scale where Olivia would have seen or been involved in it) some shit like Crucifying your local Sin Eater and then eating THEM! This not wine blood actually is a symbol of Alll-mer's divine blood and this not bread flesh actually is a symbol of Alll-mer's divine flesh! :) yummy

I might think More on this another time but I'm getting tired so this is what you get for now. Feel free to add onto this if you have any ideas :0

i might well be onto NOTHING here but it is fun to think about

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Magic Man

Kiersten White: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the creepy kids show Stephen King: oh excellent! a creepy pasta! King: my boy joe told me all about those King: like that scary cartoon sponge man! Joe Hill: it was squidward, dad King: right right of course joe

White: this isn't a creepypasta White: it's about a weird show that everyone vaguely remember watching but can't remember any details of White: and also the time slot and channel mysteriously seem to shift Kris Straub: ah! candle cove! White: no White: no this is different

King: haha remember in candle cove when the boat is all King: "you have to go inside" Straub: yeah i remember Poe: spooky stuff! Koontz: ha ha! "you have to go inside" White: White: it's not candle cove

Barker: you're all saying it wrong Barker: it's all like Barker: "you have to go.... INSIDE" Barker: see, you gotta get the inflection right King: you said it exactly the same Barker: no it was way scarier when i said it King: "you have to go... inside" Barker: hmm no not quite right King: i don't see the difference Barker: kris who said it right Kris Straub: clive Barker: see??? King: i really don't think i said it any different White: ANYWAY

White: this is about a creepy kids show called Mister Magic White: these kids are forced to live on a set away from their parents White: until one kids dad tries to take her away White: but try to understand dad White: try to understand White: try try try to understand White: he's a magic man

White: now it's 30 years later and she's going to a show reunion White: and she's all "hey what happened 30 years ago? i forgot" White: and everyone's all "lol not telling!" White: gotta preserve the mystery White: at least til the final reel

White: see, these Mormons found an eldritch god in the desert White: and they thought White: you know what would be good to do with this? White: make a kids show about how you should always be polite King: uhhh Poe: no actually that kinda scans

White: the now grown up kids from the show have to reunite White: and defeat mister magic through the power of um... King: understanding? White: Yeah! it can totally be like understanding or forgiveness or something White: they overcome all their fears White: and they turn out totally fine

King: i didn't know candle cove was really just lessons about being polite! White: IT'S NOT CANDLE COVE King: "you have to go... INSIDE!!" Straub: there Straub: there it is Straub: you got it that time

King: creepypastas are so much fun, why don't we have more of them around here? Mr Creepypasta: now I've heard a guy tell a story hundreds of times. saying perfectly ordinary words. just mouth sounds. perfectly ordinary. nothing weird about them. very normal. nothing to worry about Chillz: here's the TOP tennnn VIDEooooos PROvinGGGG THAT the dracullllaaaa is real King: oh yeah now i remember

Eric Knudsen: i have a story about the terrible secret of space HP Lovecraft: what Lovecraft: what is the terrible secret of space? Lovecraft: is it a color? Lovecraft: cuz i already know that one

[brothermouse]

Sunday doodle 8/11/24

Pitched this idea last week and got some positive responses so here’s one part of my new project. You know where it’s a collection of sketches and letters set in a steampunk alternate history world where some guy is traveling through Deseret, drawing cool stuff he sees and trying to convince his friend back home that he’s not going to get murdered by the Mormons.

Letter transcript:

My Dear Friend Victor,

As my previous letter was sent from a rather dubious, yet reliable location, I anticipate that this letter shall outpace it and reach you first. As such, I shall briefly recount its contents.

First you must know that I am well and relatively unscathed. When I arrived in St George I believed all my rough traveling behind me and it would be airships all the way to Salt Lake. Hardly thirty minutes in the sky a band of Confederate Holdouts revealed themselves and took control of the ship, intending to sail it back to one of their secret enclaves in the South to aid in their misguided “war effort”. Fortunately they were foiled by a Deseret Federal Marshal (Lt. Whitterby of the Danite division) who subdued the rebels and orchestrated an emergency landing in the town of Kanab, a good distance east of St George. As I said, the exact details are in my other letter which I sent from the Kenab post office. The postmaster there seemed old as Methusala, leading to my doubt on the speediness of that letter’s delivery. This letter I shall send from the St George post office which is of a more modern fashion.

But I must tell you of the mechanical wonder I encountered in Kanab! After the ordeal the band of Johnny Rebs were locked securely in the Kanab town hall (the town is too small for a proper jailhouse). The other passengers and I were given a little rest and refreshment in the same building (the town is also too small for a hotel). I took this time to write my previous (or possibly forthcoming) letter and send it off. After a while we heard the sound of twin airships approaching. These were the Thunderbird and the Tiancum, which Lt. Whitterby called for. One to return us to St George and the other to take away the villains. He asked us to remain where we were, that we might witness the official arrest and then sign documents witnessing that the correct persons were taken into custody (I swear these Mormons are obsessed with everything being witnessed!)

When the Deseret Marshals marched in they were accompanied by the most peculiar automatons. I was able to make sketches, which I have included. There were four of these contraptions, one for each of the Confederates. They each bore the stern face sculpted from copper or brass, I could not tell. I was told that they bore the face of that wiley old General O.P. Rockwell, who gave our General Sherman and all those Union boys such a rough time in the siege of Echo Canyon.

Each Rockwell was directed by its operator to stand directly behind the hijackers and hold the criminals' hands behind their backs, like a pair of handcuffs. Just as I was wondering why entire automatons were called for what a mere pair of handcuffs could do, one of the scoundrels broke free and made a break for it, rushing as though he would leap out of the window to freedom! But then the Rockwell machine did a strange thing. One of its hands dropped, as if it was on a hinge and a small device extended from the open wrist. With a pop, it shot a tiny harpoon attached with a thin wire at the man. I wondered at this, as the harpoon and wire were both far too small to catch a fish, let alone a desperate criminal. But when the harpoon struck him there came a sound like a deep angry buzzing and the man became stiff as a board and toppled over as if dead!

The foiled escapee was looked over and determined to still be alive, (though with quite a lot less fight in him) and was bound in the same manner as the rest. In asking Lt Whitterby what had just transpired, he told me that the machines “Rockwell Automatons” where based on a design currently being used in both London and Chicago ment to assist local law enforcement in apprehending and holding dangerous criminals. When I brought up how easily the man had been felled, the Lieutenant told me that that particular innovation was of pure Deseret origin. In the Chicago models a simple gun is concealed in the wrist, and the London model is given a club. Both were determined to be far too brutal for the liking of the Deseret Marshals, so an alternative device was created. This deceive, I was told, delivers a small electrical charge to the target, not powerful enough to kill, but just enough to temporarily confuse the nervous system and render the target harmless.

But look! I have been writing and sketching aboard the Thunderbird so long that we have been returned to St George so that I might continue my journey to Salt Lake! I must finish this letter and mail it while I can. As always I shall write to you whenever I am able.

Your friend,

Jacob K. Steinsworth

P.S. Please thank your wife, Isabel for her insistence that I carry a pocket Bible on this trip. It proved quite useful during the ordeal with those Confederate hijackers. Again, the full details are in the other letter.

[boofindoopin]

My very best friend Christian, I am very obviously NOT. So, that’s results in both of us not understanding the other We both respect and each others faiths. Even though we love and respect each others religions, of course we make fun of each others faith. Here’s some examples of being confused and being little assholes:

Friend: You know your religion- *pauses, clearly deep in thought* never mind, that’s rude.

Me: What? Say it. Know I wanna know. Say it.

Friend: You’re religion is very, uh, culty at times…

Me: Mormons.

Friend: Good point, I can’t fight you in that actually.

_____________________________________

Me: Tell me about the big fantasy book you’re always talking ‘bout :3

Friend: THE BIBLE? You’re a dick sometimes, I swear to god

Me: *gasp* don’t use the lords name in vain!

_____________________________________

Friend telling me about the angels: So, there’s these guys called the arch angels. Their names are Michael-

Me,raising hand: …

Friend: yeah?

Me: aren’t angels in charge of stuff?

Friend: they’re messengers. Do you mean the saints? The saints have things they reside over.

Me: yeah yeah! Who’s in charge of travel?

Friend: Saint Christopher.

Me: who’s in charge of war?

Friend: Michael I think…?

Me: … um what about love?

Friend: Valentine.

Me: um, hey, these just sound like gods. I think those are gods.

Friend: no! They’re way different!

Me: are they not immortal?

Friend: no, they are immortal?

Me: and they have domains…

Friend: yeah, sure

Me: but, they aren’t gods…?

Friend: no.

Me: I DON’T GET IT! 😭

Friend: … i do…

_____________________________________

Me: Man, I love Lord Thanatos so much. He’s so sweet-

Friend: why do you call him Lord…?

Me: idk. Just feels a bit more respectful. Lots of people refer to the gods as lord or lady.

Friend: why…

Me:… don’t you call Jesus your lord and savior…?

Friend: I mean, yeah, but I think that’s different-

Me: I REALLY DON’T 😭