#you figure out where they grow
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Just a few shroomies I've found on my walks
Because I'm not a mycologist and my hobbyist shrooming knowledge is woefully inadequate, Google lens says the species are, in order:
- Fly Argaric
- Turkeytail or Hen-of-the-wood
- Shaggy Ink Cap
- Dead Man's Fingers
- Fly Argaric (again)
- Amethyst Deceiver
- Macrotyphula Fistulosa
- Some kind of Hypholoma
- Jelly Baby (Leotia Lubrica)
#october#outdoors#forests#mushrooms#fungi#fungus#nature#there are so many of these#they're everywhere#you figure out where they grow#and then unintentionally#boom#it's like they're following you and you can't escape them#it's wild#I'm not well-versed in the world of fungi#I just know a mushroom when I see one#before anybody asks no I don't harvest or eat them don't panic#i would 10000% poison myself#i know myself#I should be offended by my own lack of faith#but it's saving me from certain death so#big shrug#autumn#aesthetic
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He knows what words mean, Minato-sensei.
#inspired by my own profound misunderstanding of that phrase as a child#and the face in the last panel which I had sketched out previously#I have proper pen pressure now!#...now I just need to figure out how to use it#look at me with an actually formatted comic... they grow up so fast...#does this count as a fancomic?#that seems too fancy for me#nurt#chearts#hints of kakaobi because of course#kakashi#naruto#hatake kakashi#kid kakashi#v proud of the profile kks close-up in the second panel#not for any specific reason I just like it#namikaze minato#kakashi fanart#team minato#naruto fanart#reappearing to give you this comic I conceived of and created in one long sitting where I was presumably possessed.#I will now redissappear
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Imagine you have a friend over for dinner and you make them steak. It's a traditional family recipe, and you know it turned out great. You're really proud of this good steak you made. After the meal you ask your friend what they thought of your steak and they say: "I loved it! I hate food poisoning, though."
"... Okay, what did you mean by that?"
"Nothing! The steak was great! I just hate getting food poisoning!"
"... Is the steak going to give you food poisoning?"
"Oh, not this one. This one was great. But some steaks give you food poisoning."
"Okay, but not this one, right?"
"No, not this one."
"... Then why did you bring up food poisoning?"
"I just didn't want you to think that because I liked your steak that I also like food poisoning."
"Why would I think that?"
"Because some steaks give you food poisoning."
"But not this one."
"No, not this one."
This is how goyim talk about Jews
#atlas entry#if you can't say you support Jews without also expressing your support for Palestinians ask yourself why that is#why do you feel the need to clarify as if those two things are horizontally opposed. as if they're mutually exclusive#I feel like that fucking Friends meme where Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French#“I” “I” “support” “support” “Jews” “Jews” “I support Jews” “BUT NOT ZIONISTS”#I was gonna add a tag that this post doesn't mean I'm a Zionist but y'know what if you can't figure that out for yourself go outside#grow up go to a library donate blood do a sudoku
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Izutsumi character study
#dungeon meshi#izutsumi#One of my goals for this year was to spend more time doing art studies.#What better way to start than with my favourite danmeshi character (not seen: a whole page of figuring out her features)#I feel like she is by far one of the most poorly understood characters in the series. Partially due to her 'late party member' status.#'She's abrasive and mean' - 'she's a picky eater' - 'she's a catgirl who acts like an asshole cat ' YES and that is the point!#Everyone in dungeon meshi is traumatized and messy about it but izutsumi is just less polite in how she tries to cope.#Izutsumi is a extremely traumatized teenager who has utterly lacked autonomy her entire life.#She is the epitome of a “If I can just have X thing then all my problems will be solved!” character. And the X is 'Freedom'.#Her epilogue was one of the best and wrapped up her character so wonderfully (WARNING: I WILL NOW SPOIL PART OF THE ENDING)#Because she finally gets her freedom! She can go where she wants to and she doesn't need anybody! Yet...it doesn't fix her.#She is so focused on doing only what she wants that she forgets her own needs. Sometimes you have to eat the things you don't want.#And sometimes you have to face the hard truths that you need more than just one thing to make you happy.#Life is not all about only seeking pleasures and avoiding pain. You need to be balanced in order to grow.#Eat your vegetables (including the metaphorical ones: I am eating more art veggies this year by doing art studies!!!)
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The thing I love about fanfiction that focuses on “irredeemable” characters is that most of the time it says, “you are forgivable, you are lovable, you are important.” It says that you are capable of growth and that you can overcome your past. And I think seeing that as a teenager saved me. I thought I was unlovable and then I got older and started understanding the world through my own eyes rather than my parents’ and I started recognizing my mistakes and I thought I was unforgivable. But fanfiction told me, “you can change and you can be wanted and you can be loved,” and that gave me the space to forgive myself and love myself.
#fanfiction#fandom#the first thing that did this for me was drarry for sure#like the enemies to lovers aspect of drarry always appealed to me for this exact reason and that’s why i was so attached to it#but i’ve found other things since then that appeal in the same way#tlt#aftg#captive prince#not just#drarry#andreil and kevjean are like this#like they say you were wrong you were bad you were cruel and you did harm#but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved to be given the chance to grow and change#fanfic taught me that i could be wanted#and it was where i found the queer relationships i most wanted to emulate when i was first figuring myself out#and it still informs my desire for relationships now#fic made me comfortable with my sexuality but also sex as a whole#in many ways i would not be who i am today without fanfiction#lamen#andreil#kevjean
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terranigma, a cool game
#terranigma#terranigma ark#terranigma elle#terranigma meilin#art tag#im going to write a little review in the tags bear with me#first the negative:#the magic system is weird to use and basically useless apart from one boss thats almost impossible without magic#it has some weird racism like most old games where you travel around the world. a little more egregious since its supposed to be real earth#i found the main character to be slightly insufferable for about 3/4ths of the game. i came around on him by the end tho. he grows up a lot#and i found whats by far the largest section of the game (chapter 3) to be the least interesting#im not really into helping cities develop and trade quests tho so it might just be me#oh also it is STUPID easy to permanently lock yourself out of like 15 sidequests#and theres a lot of mandatory things that are really hard to figure out. you need to use a walkthrough for this#anyway thats what i didnt like#what i DID like tho. i dont want to get into too much detail but#its a genuinely beautiful game for so much of it#there were so many moments that left me speechless#its high-concept and thoughtful and fun to play#you dont really need to do much grinding either#at its worst its obtuse and cliche but at its best its breathtaking#and i really recommend more people check it out#special shoutout to my friend seona who modded my 3DS and downloaded a bunch of roms including this one#so in conclusion. terranigma is an underrated gem. play it if youre a 90s jrpg junkie like me#just have a walkthrough open also lol
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maybe if i just put these screenshots together youll understand why i think their relationship just Works so well as it pertains to the characters and themes of S4 in general
neither of them know what theyre doing, but theyre figuring it out Together. the old ways are dead. and together theyll build a new future thats worth fighting for
#twdg#violentine#clems “i dont know” paired with violets “lets figure it out together”. screaming crying throwing up#clem never knew what she was doing!! she was just trying her best!! and now shes tired as SHIT!!! she wants a break 😭!!!#vi helps take that weight off by supporting her as much as she does (which is A LOT!! and clem supports her in return. they grow together)#that bit in the woods where instead of getting grossed out by the guts vi crouches down to ajs level and keeps the situation calm#and she looks up to clem and gives her a little smile. and clem just relaxes and smiles back !! DO YOU UNDERSTAND !!!#clem being anxious about her reaction. violet putting her at ease. clem getting to Relax for 2 seconds. they help each other CHILL 😭#ALSO why their walk home talking about ericson and renaming it and imagining what they could add to it is just so good narratively#they turned that prison into their HOME!! a place worth fighting for!!!#tenn wanting to help rebuild. vi saying Everyone will :') its a home for ALL OF THEM 😭 its about the COMMUNITY !!!#this is also why i think the friends route still works but theres just even more Juice with the romance. even ignoring minnie#violets “you better not disappear on me”. friended clems “ok” to romanced clems “i promise”#in a season about building a home and a family that second one just hits harder you know? and like above with the learning to dance#i just feel like their romantic relationship specifically fits into the overall themes of the game the strongest and elevates it#me talking at the wall (tumblr drafts)#all of my friends who have played twdg are too normie so i gotta make posts like this instead. or i'll die#wont somebody analyze narrative with me#it speaks
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3.09 || 4.11 Will you ask me again one day, please, Ned Nickerson? You better believe it, George Fan.
#Nancy Drew#Nancy drew cw#Ndcw#Nancydrewedit#George Fan#Ned Nickerson#Fanson#V watches Nancy Drew#V posts things#Rewatching S3 has put me in the sweetest pain#They will get back together someday I fully believe it#They'll grow and figure out who they are and someday find themselves in a place where Nick will ask her again#You can't tell me they won't 😭
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What's the Wardi cultural take on Akoshos sleeping with/partnering with/marrying other Akoshos?
It's not highly regulated to a degree that there are overwhelming cultural norms about it. There's a lot of societal focus on akoshos being theoretically suitable sexual partners for both men and women due to being dual-gendered, but not to an extent that relationships with One Another are stigmatized.
They also largely get to escape from the most severe concerns about penetrator/penetrated power dynamics because they're not regarded as Men (they're regarded as dual-gendered, and they're a female social class on every practical level), there's no status of manhood to Lose by receiving sexual penetration. The only real thing you see in that department is people assuming that one acts as 'the man' and one acts as 'the woman', but this is largely due to preoccupation with a notion of sex being Penetration With A Penis (and that Penetration With A Penis means that one person is in a Man's Role and one person is in a Woman's Role). But this will not be regarded as unnatural as in same-gender male relations, akoshos will Have to take up a position in this sexual dichotomy if they want to have Real Sex (Penetration With A Penis) with each other, and this is not unnatural and doesn't involve gaining or losing status since they are simultaneously male and female, not men.
So like you might see individual culture critics finding stuff to nitpick about it as their annoyance of the week or a singular Guy here or there who thinks it's weird, but this isn't a widespread norm. The vast majority of people don't give a shit about akoshos having sex with each other. The worst thing you're likely to experience Solely by virtue of being in an akoshos-akoshos relationship is someone asking you (probably with genuine curiosity) which one does the man stuff and which one does the woman stuff.
Akoshos also don't experience Hard expectations for marriage (though there are societal pressures that make marriage an attractive safety net all the same, ESPECIALLY marriage to a man) so unofficial life-partnerships between akoshos are pretty much the Only same gender partnerships between unwed people that are going to go unquestioned. ((Sworn brotherhood is technically a same gender life partnership for men that is Functionally similar to marriage (in that it's a kin-making practice between unrelated adults), but the tradition is Built upon the assumption that both parties will be married to women and that a primary goal of this kinship is to provide security for both parties' wives and children)). Marriage obligations in general are more lax in the economically secure but not Wealthy lower mercantile classes (as obligations to support and perpetuate one's family are universal, but these obligations can be filled simply by having at least One son who can get hitched, and marriages in the lower classes have no political functions and therefore there's less reason to ensure All your children are wed (there's still incentives like dowry, but this is not desperately needed when a family is economically secure)). So akoshos in this class group tend to have a Lot more freedom in terms of their life arrangements and chosen partners (though still experience the limiting frameworks of structural misogyny in other capacities).
The only thing that is out of the picture is akoshos/akoshos marriage. Marriage in this society has a predominantly reproductive function, the concept of reproductively non-viable marriages is generally considered absurd. This is not JUST this culture's form of homophobia, as marriage is a very practical arrangement at its core - both in a reproductive capacity and as bedrock for the patriarchal blood-kinship family system that forms the core social unit. The idea of same gender marriage isn't just absurd because 'ewwww weird' it's like, that Cannot work within this system, it Cannot fill core functions of what a marriage intends to do here, the ways on which marriage and kinship are BUILT makes same gender marriage practically (rather than just socially) untenable.
The sole exception to the 'marriage = reproductively viable" rule is that akoshos can be married to men (which in practice is almost always as a remarriage after a man has secured At Least an heir). This has a Little bit of internal logic here in that they perform predominantly female social roles (thus are suited to being a wife, even if they can't bear children) (and also on practical levels of them having the same legal status as women) but it's really more of a 'this is just how it's always been' kind of thing. A lot of the older pre-Wardi identity dual-gender roles that got mashed together under the 'akoshos' name would have involved marriage to a man as a second wife/concubine, in addition to his primary wife who would bear his children. Men potentially having multiple spouses has not been retained as a cultural practice, but the notion that an akoshos Can be a wife to a man has survived into modern day legal and doctrinal practices around marriage.
So like this being said, marriage as it is legally defined is only between a man and a woman, a man and an akoshos, or a woman and an akoshos. In practice the latter two are comparatively VERY rare- a man/akoshos marriage cannot provide children (though an akoshos can practically fulfill all other obligations and duties of a wife), a woman/akoshos marriage Can provide children (and while akoshos cannot function as a male heir, these children Will take their akoshos-parent's family name (though the wife retains her father's family name)), but akoshos are legally grouped with women in terms of rights and privileges (including being permanently under legal domain of their father unless they have been legally handed off to a male husband) and Cannot provide hard power patriarchal support that this family system is built upon and therefore depends upon, which makes these marriages socio-economically insecure. They can obviously still be a good partner and parent, but this is not the same as having the Legal hard power of a patriarch.
Akoshos marrying each other would be reproductively and socially nonviable, and is treated as a similarly absurd concept to a man marrying a man or a woman marrying a woman. It's just not a part of the marriage and kinship framework, it's not a thing that you can Do.
#Akoshos are also probably like.... 1-2% of the population. Like its an Accepted gendered space but not a large one so it's less#'managed' in a lot of senses#It's actually kind of hard to 'access' the akoshos space to begin with. Like parents look for Signs In Early Childhood and most#akoshos are typically assigned their gender early.#If you don't manage to access this space there's a good chance of being Stuck as a man with any deviance from your expected#gender roles being the HIGHLY unaccepted 'male effeminacy' which is a VERY different concept than (though obviously has tensions With)#being akoshos. A lot of akoshos self-label as adults after losing support from their families in part for being '''effeminate men'''#(this is also kind of the only instance in which gender self-identification occurs on a basis that will be Broadly accepted. Though#this happens in the context of already being detached from one's familial support network and people not knowing you self-assigned)#There are also certainly Some cases where akoshos self-identify as adults and this is accepted by their fathers. For a variety#of reasons but unfortunately often it's going to be like-#'we must have missed something but whatever. glad our kid is actually supposed to be this way and isn't just effeminate'#Also much less likely to be accepted if they're an expected male heir without brothers to take up the role in their stead#And VERY unlikely in upper classes where family members are public figures. If you've been introduced as a man here you're probably#out of luck.#(Like you'll see accusations that adult-assigned akoshos are just pretending in order to disguise being male effeminates)#This position isn't freedom from gender norms or like. The equivalent of an accepted trans identity. It's its own assigned gender#space in an Expanded but strict binary with expanded but strict roles#Also the societal trends over centuries are showing signs of increasing collapse between the notions of 'effeminate man' (bad)#and 'akoshos' (normal). At this point the concepts are still very separate but the current societal trajectory is leaning towards the#akoshos role being phased out of its normalization (in tandem with Wardi culture becoming more intensely patriarchal with#the collapse of Wardi groups into one identity)#Like 600 years ago there was NOT a concept of 'effeminate man' and proto-akoshos roles were a#more central concept that enveloped divergences from expected masculinity. Whereas now the akoshos space is significantly narrower#and the concept of 'effeminate man' exists in tandem as a stigmatized descriptor. And things have gotten to the point of#people claiming that ''effeminate men'' will 'pretend' to be akoshos#The akoshos identity becoming stigmatized/phased out isn't inevitable but the tensions around it are definitely growing#Though there's also a sense that Peak Patriarchy has been hit and you're starting to see people pushing back at these norms in fairly#notable ways. There's not going to be like. A feminist revolution but civilian women getting more political freedoms (while the overall#context stays patriarchal) is a likely outcome which could also have side benefits of relaxing masculinity standards Somewhat
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the house md fandom would be fixed by more femlash
#rant below#house md#house md fandom#i gotta figure out my ao3 acciunt before i start writing again but i will be attempting to provide#i seem to have this growing problem with fandoms with the lack of femlash and in general being male-centered#and it makes sense in show like supernatural with very few female characters to ship and that fandom has a lot of issues#but with house md the femslash is severely lacking for the female characters in it#my fandom history is like toh thg she-ra fucking fnaf so there wasn’t a problem there but when i joined to the house fandom its much m#more male focused and i feel like. weird for not being crazy for wilson and like yeah i enjoy hilson but sometimes i feel like im amping up#my interest for notes bc notes give me crazy dopamine and then it stopped being fun. and then i stopped making posts like that and got less#notes and on tumblr in the corners im on its just. male character hot mlm ship mlm ship like wheres the women!!#im not resigning from house md fandom but im gonna focus on fandoms n ships that are fun for me because i prefer femslash id rather go ins#insane about lesbians and women and yeah ill still enjoy mslash and hilson etc but i have been observing a pattern in this fandom abou#about issues that are much too big for us to fix and probably wont be fixed ever#misogyny and male-centricity in general is always gonna be a thing. but as a woman liker im gonna reset my priorities#but ill still like hilson!!! im just also gonna like camcuddy (do they have a ship name?) and camteen and amberteen or whatever the fuck#also retracting more from dps because there’s really only chris and ginny and also i have my personal gripes with that fandom#still ❤️ you dps mutuals#sorry#fuck sorry#fandom problems#fandom rant#asclexeposting
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Certainty
#chat when the streamer asks a question#tfw you just locked the door but you need to check if it is locked#me trying to figure out if something was my fault#my coworkers when i tell them that i did my job correctly#the voice in the back of your head when you swear you heard someone calling your name despite it being 3am and you being all alone#when you check to see if the strawberries are growing mould already#checking to see if your drawing looks weird from a different angle#oh right also#mori calliope#when she forgets where she came from 10 seconds ago
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and what if i started 'dean is too nice to sam' truthing ?
#well. publicly. bc i already am truthing that sdjkfjd#LISTEN. this show was really really bad at portraying actual sibling dynamics dfkdgk like half their fights would not be that deep irl#like oh you tried to kill me? ok well here's a funny picture of dog and also that's you ok lets go get food#dean as the eldest sibling should've told sam 'i'm right bc i'm the oldest do what i say' like. alllll the time#bc he's right and he's the oldest :) and sam just has to accept that he will ALWAYS be the baby even at 39 yrs old#esp dean being a parentified older sibling like. sam is simultaneously his annoying lil brother AND his pseduo-child#even if sam doesn't want to acknowledge that dean was his main most stable parental figure growing up it doesn't change the fact that#for dean that's what sam is. and so oscillating between the two roles of older brother and parent makes for a complicated dynamic#where you'll like. die for them. but also tease them mercilessly and call them a lil freak and weirdo#(but if anyone else did that you'd punch them out)#but yea. canon dean. too nice.#should've teased him more and gotten into more play fights + actual fights that end w/ them laughing + getting slushies at the gas 'n' sip#siblings siblings#vic.txt
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"ah, the newfound hero of the bozjan resistance... you really think you can take on the reaper of the IVth imperial legion?"
#gposes#oc: teni drake#okay i figured out some lore for him#he left sharlayan to join the bozjan resistance#he works as a spy for them and managed to infiltrate the ivth legion#so he's basically a double agent#he is 15 years older than vej and was his big brother figure growing up#when he left sharlayan he did not tell anyone where he was going and it devastated little kid vej#so you know. when vej arrives on the southern front and runs into teni who is apparently working with the garleans#yeah he doesn't take it well
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Digitalised + coloured + redesigned version of my Suiren and Vaatu sketch from two days ago, as promised!!
Coming up with Suiren’s design was a very long process of trying and failing because after you’ve drawn 9+ different versions of one character, the creativity starts to run a little dry, but I’m actually really proud of this one, she looks absolutely adorable <3
(Also yeah I did mostly just scribble Vaatu’s pattern because who has the energy to draw the all out accurately. Not me, that’s who, I’m chronically tired. People who draw him on the regular have my utmost respect. He’s still a funky little guy though :D)
Bonus, Raava incessantly screaming inside Suiren (and being completely ignored because Suiren is tired of her) while all this is happening:
#and yeah I did say I’d do a fuckass background but all my energy went to figuring out Suiren’s design#plus I suck at backgrounds so.. woe. LoK screenshot be upon ye#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#avatar suiren au#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#I don’t really know what to say in these tags lmao#usually I reach the tag limit really really easily but between my previous post and answering that ask I’ve ran out of things to say#someone please indulge me in this au I have Way Too Many Thoughts about it#hmm…#you know. I think people often make different avatar aus because they dislike Korra or think she’s a bad avatar#I don’t. I love Korra. I would kill and die for her#(says the red lotus stan. yes I’m well aware. no need to call me out)#and I think she’s a good avatar who was dealt a shitty hand both in universe and by the show’s production team#I’m making this au BECAUSE I love Korra. if Suiren is the avatar Korra gets to be a normal SWT girl#she’ll get to grow up with her parents. not isolated and degraded all the time for not being perfect. maybe she’d have a sibling or two#and Suiren gets spared her sotrl trauma too. win win for everyone!!#(I return Suiren gets the weight of the world on her shoulders lmao. but it’s fine. 1. she isn’t alone in it. she has her family#2. three quarters of the LoK threats are basically automatically eliminated for her. the RL are her parents. she fuses with Vaatu#and all she has to do to defeat Kuvira is to take her dress off 😁 /hj. basically. she’ll be okay. better than in sotrl at least)#also look. I love Suiren. she’s my dear child who’s been with me since I was 12. of course I wanna make her the main character in everything#and dark avatar Korra AUs have been done countless times before me. Kat’s doing one right now!! I just wanna do something that’s my own#and also I wanna focus less on pain and trauma for once and more on the sheer hilarity of the shenanigans that will occur post-fusion#cause this isn’t Adumbration where Korra lets Raava go and fuses with Vaatu instead. here Suiren’s got both of them at the same time#and they have 10000 years’ worth of grievances to air out. it’s like living with your divorced parents#trust me I would know. except mine aren’t divorced. they’re Worse and everyone wishes they’d just separate#anyway. that aside. Suiren’s not getting any sleep any time soon while those two duke it out
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chat how cringe is it to have watched all of house m.d imagining house as your unhinged doctor dad
#chronic daddy issues who? don't know her#i'm a big fat liar i DO know her and i wanna block her!!#honestly though what triggered this was the episode where house had to figure out what was bothering an autistic kid#y'know the kid that gave house his psp#amd my autistic ass was like#huh??? a man who would not dismiss my autism growing up???#a man who interacted with a child (cuddy's) and was actually pretty chill???#i was unhinged for the longest time#and pookie i am SORRY you had to go through that phase i was really living in my delulu era#“but lizard you always go delulu about middle aged men who could be your father!!”#shhhh no i do not#i was this close to writing a drabble about house with a daughter who put up with all his random shit and just supporting him all the way#even when he gets ghost-sued for the 5th time in an hour#gregory house#house md#lizard's scribbles
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Much could be said interrogating the concept of "gifted kid burnout" or "smart kid syndrome" or whatever you call it, and much of it's been said better than I can
But what gets to me about it sometimes is that.... I feel like people have described a reasonable concept and then related themselves to it backwards. Or taken a real problem and constructed their concept of it backwards.
Like yeah, it does kind of fuck a person up to be highly rewarded in this extremely arbitrary constructed environment, which incidentally is where you spend most of your waking hours, while being told that it's all deeply related to your excellence and worth as a person. And then when you leave that constructed environment, you fall apart and fail to function in all sorts of ways, because you've built your skills to so completely rely on that environment (while being told this is the best most excellent thing you could do and the best most valuable way to be).
And it basically leaves a person with several options:
1) cling tighter to the structure that validates you. Dedicate yourself to reaffirming that the structure itself is meaningful to reinforce it's ability to impart meaning back to you. Spend your whole life running from failure.
2) realize that you can't keep up with the demands, but construct this as either a personal failing or a failing of the system to train you well enough. Keep seeking sources of validation to replace the hole in your sense of self-worth where being special used to go.
3) realize that the whole thing was kind of a scam from the start. Being ranked is bad. Proving value is bad. Learn to do things and enjoy things without having to be good at them or prove something.
And the thing is that I think option 3 is necessary to actually be at peace with yourself as a person. (And also, it's necessary to find true solidarity with people who were fucked up by the same system on the opposite end, being told they *weren't* good enough. Which is worse. The fact that that's worse doesn't mean I can't or won't talk about how this one sucks, but if you can't acknowledge that that one's worse, I think that's a problem.)
Anyway. Probably I'm barking up entirely the wrong tree, because the whole concept of "gifted burnout" is basically the domain of people who are stuck on option 2. And it's not like I don't see tons of stuff aimed at "it's ok to be bad at things! Enjoy it anyway!" Like that message is very much out there and in ways that I can infer to mean other people are also wrangling with this same stuff.
The problem is. Sometimes I have a problem and this type of framing is the only way I have to get at it. Sometimes I take a class where I accidentally fall into the role of being the Whizz Kid, and it's a weird sort of adrenaline hit, where being Good At The Thing feels really good and important but it takes up too much of my brainspace and I find myself more easily frustrated and it's harder to find contentment. And then I have to unpick that whole thing and walk it back and remind myself that it literally doesn't matter to be good at the thing. It's just a thing and you're just some guy and you can engage with the actual world rather than the abstract field of Showing Off Land. Like it's this whole other plane of social interaction, which may or may not exist - as in, no one else in the room is necessarily there with you, sending or receiving any signals on that frequency - but you can get stuck there. And it feels bad to be stuck there, constantly sending out "look aren't I special?" and getting upset if you don't recieve back enough pings of "wow you're so special." What is this bullshit? I don't want to be that guy. I don't like that it runs so deeply in me that it can be activated by accident.
Sometimes I do something that turns out pretty well and I want to be regular proud of it but I find myself ping-ponging between thinking I'm amazing and unprecedented and thinking that actually it's probably stupid and all sorts of people can do it - and what sort of fucked up value scale is that? It turned out pretty good and that's neat. It doesn't matter how *common* it is, that isn't anything. If it's worth doing it's worth there being plenty of it.
Like it's fine. It's fine. I've learned to recognize it and I know how to combat it so I walk myself back out of it. It just also kind of sucks. And sometimes, I wish I had an easy way to vent about it, without falling into the whole circlejerk of people coming up with backhanded ways to tell each other they're still special enough. Rather than actually deeply accepting that it's ok that you're not any better than other people.
You are just some guy! Huzzah!
#The thing I'm trying to process here currently. Is why the way someone is hyping up my skills is making me dysphoric.#I had to work through this layer of 'is this imposter syndrome? is this the thing where you have to embrace that you actually do#have the skills? That someone is making a big deal out of it but you actually can do that so embrace it?'#But it like. It legitimately feels like being misgendered feels. Like you're framing me in a way that I do not want any part of.#I can do the thing you're asking me to do. That's within my capacity. I do not have the nebulous skillset/personality type you've imagined#and also I don't think it's a category that actually exists. I think it's a collective construction in showing-off-land.#And I don't want to go there and I don't want to be in that box.#I need to figure out a way to manage the sensation of being trotted around like a showpony for some skill i want to use#I want to use these skills and be able to learn and grow in those directions. Without it being a whole Talent Thing.#it's computer programming related which is probably the highest density of cultural bullshit factors it could have.#slash personal baggage factors because the classes I took in programming were probably some of the most Gifted Bullshit dynamics ever#So trial by fire I guess.#In terms of figuring out how to be chill about it.#Sorry it's extreme navel gazing hours over here#long post
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