#you don’t know how dan tweeted a heart at phil

[phanchester]

badly need ex-phannies and people not involved in the phandom to stop policing rpf

[dnpg-hiatus-survivor]

the air has shifted. i was able to sleep but still when i awoke my heart was pounding and i can’t breathe. because of… dan and phil.

maybe this doesnt mean anything. maybe im just a crazy phannie (well thats true no matter what happens but still).

however, this has happened to me before. twice. let me tell y’all about those times.

the first time, i want to say was august of 2016 (could be slightly off). i had been watching dan and phil for over a year but i was still pretty new to the phandom as a space. i was at my grandmas house just chilling upstairs when this photo hit the tumblr scene:

and oh. my. god. my stomach dropped. my heart started racing. i was pacing around the room going holy shit holy shit holy shit. this photo was a big deal at the time. it was dan’s first time letting his hair be natural at a m&g or youtube event. and, it was the first time ever we had seen dan wear nail polish.

when i woke up the next morning, i still couldnt breathe. the main thing is that i was surprised how much hold these youtubers had over my heart like jesus christ. but more importantly…

the. air. had. shifted. and i knew it.

this photo, to me, is the beginning of the soft launch era. it was after this that we got the halloween baking monster pops video, which entered our post baking universe. and it was after that we got the first gamingmas. but this photo, was the start of it all. the start of dan and phil tearing down the wall just a little and starting to be more themselves on camera.

the second time, is a bit more obvious of a shift. it was june 2019. the june video had been talked for over a year at this point. we weren’t really sure if it was happening or not. what it was. but we all had… ideas. but oh my goodness, the entire first 13 days of that month. i was just buzzing. i was freaking out. and i didnt know why!! well… i knew why. but surely two youtubers could not make me feel this way for two weeks straight. oh yes they could actually.

when this tweet happened:

holy fuck, i think i shit myself. i felt the air shift. like in real time. i could barely talk because my heart was pounding so fast. i was playing truth bombs with my friends (because yes i am the #1 phannie) when i read the tweet, i dropped my phone and started tearing up whispering “oh my god its happening” over and over again. did they think i was crazy? yep!

but y’all… the. air. had. SHIFTED.

anyway long speech over. what was the point of this. to tell you that my phannie brain is convinced that something is happening. the air has shifted. i know it has. it has before. what does that mean for dan and phil? i don’t know yet! we’re just gonna have to see :))

[psychedelicvanillabean]

i think i have the most controversial opinion in the phandom…..i cannot imagine dan and phil having a romantic or sexual relationship (i feel as tho this is my autism to blame) but how dan treats phil it blocks the idea like he can be so mean to phil in some videos to the point i cringe and also just their opposite personality don’t always go together i just don’t understand peoples obsession with it and i don’t get how it would work off camera although lately with dan being all touchy feely it warms my heart to see him being genuinely nice to phil

Okay, I see where you're coming from, but as someone who's been in the phandom for almost ten years, and has watched just about every single video they've ever been in and has done multiple deep dives into their digital footprint...

Lemme start by saying, yea, sometimes the banter can be a little discomforting to watch in video just bc of it getting a bit mean sometimes, but for the most part, it is just that: banter. Dan has stated multiple times that he's just joking with Phil, and Phil knows that, otherwise I don't think he would have chosen to stay with Dan for 15 years, convinced Dan to move into their forever home together, and then convinced Dan to come back to the Gaming channel if Dan actually bothered him.

But going back to the romantic/sexual relationship of it all. It's just a fact that they've been romantically and sexually involved with each other, at least at the very start of their relationship. There are formsprings, tweets, and a particular video which allude to this dynamic of their relationship, and with the latest AmazingPhil video of them claiming to "not be qualified" to give advice on a break-up, I think it's probably safe to say that they've probably never stopped being romantically/sexually involved with each other (except maybe for a bit in 2012).

Also, at this point, it just doesn't make sense for them to be making so many important life choices together if they weren't a couple. If they're both single, it would be pretty hard for either of them to bring a date home to the forever home and digital empire they've built together.

But the thing about all this is, you don't have to imagine them having a romantic or sexual relationship to enjoy their content. What's great is their content is still incredibly enjoyable regardless. And Dan and Phil being comfortable to continue to share more about their dynamic with us also warms my heart because for so many years, they've felt that on some level, they couldn't be completely themselves with us, and I'm glad that's changing.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Growth/Growing Up Masterlist

A Star in the Galaxy (ao3) - danblossom

Summary: The growth from childhood through adolescence of James, Dan and Phil's son.

"You wonder if the moon comes up at night so the stars don't feel alone."

a warm heart (ao3) - okaydoomer

Summary: Inspired by Dan's new year's tweet and especially this reply: "the nips will be cold but my heart will be warm"

On new year's eve Dan is thinking about the year he's had. He's the happiest he's ever been and he can't put his feelings into words but Phil is there to listen and he knows what feeling this is. Pride.

Better does not mean cured. (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: Years of therapy still cannot stop the bad days, it can, however, help them pass easier.

Bowling (ao3) - indistinct_echo

Summary: Dan and Phil have gone bowling a number of times throughout the years.

Flotsam (ao3) - Phandabbydosey

Summary: Dan is a ten year old merman who has been cruelly ripped away from his home and family to be put on display in a far from adequate tank. Phil is a ten year old boy who is obsessed with merpeople and thinks it’s a dream come true when the local aquarium rescues one from the English coast. However, things aren’t quite as they seem and ,as the two grow up together and get closer, Phil discovers the truth and becomes disenchanted. Dan has to struggle to survive while Phil endeavours to save his friend from a miserable, humiliating life performing himself to a premature death.

games you don't want to play (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summary: You try not to pay attention to some of the couples starting to cosy up with each other. You want someone to lay with you in your sleeping bag and look at the stars.

You don’t get that. You don’t get to be normal. You’ve never felt the giddiness of young love, or even of a really intense crush. Those things aren’t for you.

You want something you can’t have. You want a boyfriend.

Growing Pains (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Sometimes Fi thinks about how her life would be different if she had been born a boy.

Growing Older With You (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: It’s Dan’s birthday and he’s not over thinking it this year… much.

Growing Up - neutralhowell

Summary: Dan and Phil’s daughter is getting ready for her first school dance and everyone is nervous and they both get emotional at her growing up.

Growing Up - doomedhowell

Summary: Dan and Phil’s son goes to school and is excited but once he gets there, he’s shy and hides behind Dan and Phil.

Grown On Each Other Like Mould (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Inspired by this snippet from a gaming video

P: “The friendship-dragon!”

D: “That’s the least appropriate one for us two. That would be the mould dragon.”

P: “Is that our- Is that us?”

D: “That’s our friendship. The mould dragon.”

P: “What? That we just know each other so well, we’ve grown on each other like mould?”

growth (ao3) - Rawritsamehh

Summary: Dan gets lost in thought while he prepares for a date.

If I Ain’t Got You (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Phil wakes up feeling particularly fond for Dan and all the growth he’s done. A lazy morning talk about the future.

Meet Me In The Hallway (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Dan is seven years old when he meets Phil Lester and friendship comes easy for them. Over the years they meet each other in the hallway despite what life throws at them.

Moving On -adorkablephil

Summary: Post-TATINOF. Wanting to move his content in a more serious direction (not to mention the fact that he’s been following Phil around since he was a teenager and has no idea who he is on his own), Dan moves out in order to separate his “brand” from Phil’s. Is there any way their friendship can survive? Or will it be changed forever?

Pumpkin Pride (ao3) - ThoughtaThought

Summary: Phil's family runs a Pumpkin Patch on the outskirts of a small town. The Howells move into the house next door (but this is the country, so it's like... half a mile away) and Dan grows up hanging out with the Lesters. Each chapter is a moment in their life as they grow up and get together with absolutely zero angst. From 1996-2023.

slipping through my fingers (ao3) - Gal_tic

Summary: Even though he said he’d never grow up, Phil grew up.

Or, Kath reminisces on how time flies

The Boys who Walk Too Close Together (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: The story of Dan and Phil growing up together and getting pushed down, but always getting back up because they have each other

The Park - jilliancares

Summary: Dan and Phil meet at the park as kids and continue to meet at the park as they grow up.

Unnatural (ao3) - ahappyphil

Summary: @philslion “Getting away from my father’s pride was one of the best things I’ve done. Nice to be with Lioness by ourselves no matter how unnatural.” On growth and changed perspective.

when the trees lose their leaves (ao3) - strawberry_saturn (vanillaxheart)

Summary: Dan is moving out of his parents house and he takes a moment to move on.

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: phil is not on fire

Date video was published: 10/25/2009 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 52

Well here we go...the first ever DNP joint video!!! 😁 This post’s probably going to be a long one, haha.

So this video was filmed a day after DNP met irl for the first time, when Dan went to visit Phil in Manchester/Rawtenstall. All of their tweets asking for questions and such to film this are gone now (other than in screenshots). 🙁 They collected questions on Dailybooth, and then Dan must have picked some and written them down for the video (on the paper that he still had and was scanned to put in TABINOF).

Phil’s tweet promoting this video after he posted it is still there though! “...with guest star...” 🥺

0:00-0:02 - even with the random editing in this one, my first thought is why did Phil pick that specific clip to start with, lol? (Also, I never noticed Phil saying something in the background here. The subtitles don’t have it and I can’t make it out clearly...it’s “*unintelligible* lion with your mouth”? maybe?)

0:03 - so close together already

0:06 - Dan’s grin is adorable

0:07 - wrong, lol. Giraffes make a sort of low “baaaa” sound like a sheep. But pretty sure Phil’s goal here was just to make people (Dan) laugh so success.

0:15 - well here’s the most direct comparison to the zebra video Phil did with his friend Ben...going to make a few more comments about that comparison at the end.

0:18 - I love that Phil stuck in this very short clip on Dan breaking down into laughter. It shows how much fun they were having with this.

0:22 - now Phil’s the one who can’t help laughing. also love that lion is on Dan’s shoulder during this part 🥺

0:28 - i mean. 👀 but also, the way they play off of and build on what the other says, like they still do to this day.

0:39 - this Phil face and noise is...something. Also, reallllllly close to the camera like Phil does in this usual videos around this time.

0:40 - another Phil usual-editing-thing with the sped up voices here. And again with the playing off each other.

0:58-0:59 - what is this cute little embarrassed glance down Phil does after Dan looks at him that I’ve never noticed before?

1:02 - interesting to see Dan filming and the house from his point of view. And love that Phil chose to include this part and put the spooky music over it.

1:29 - love Dan’s cheeky face while he asks this one

1:34 - such casual closeness

1:41 - sarcastic Dan 😊

1:46 - again with a comment in the background I’ve never noticed before, this time from Dan... “we’ve done that one” I think is what he says?

1:51 - there’s the return of the cordless hammer drill

1:54 - I love Dan’s hair flip

1:56 - Dan can’t keep a serious face for any amount of time at this point

1:58 - 🥺🥺🥺

and the tongue thing too!

2:03 - we never know what this “what would you do if a goat...” question was

2:05 - pretty much the only part of the video where they’re not directly next to each other

2:19 - more casual touching. Plus, Dan already comfortable enough to tease Phil, even on camera.

2:24 - lol with king of comedy Phil making a joke about knock-off brand hair straighteners

2:33 - mind straight to that clip from The Making Of 'The Amazing Book is Not on Fire' where Phil is filming Dan at his computer. Same Phil tone of voice and everything. Love that they seem to be just hanging out here, Phil started filming just because, and then included it in the video.

2:39 - Dan is not as skilled at animal noises as Phil is, lol

2:40 - would love to know what was said. Something else in French? lol. And they both just seem SO happy in every clip of this video. 🥺

2:50 - mismatched socks!

2:51 - it’s always so weird when Dan is on Phil’s left. They almost always sit the other way around in videos (even in most of this first one!)

2:56 - WALLE for the third video in a row.

2:58 - and with the licking.

3:03 - I love that they must have printed out that picture just for this bit. And more licking from Dan...

3:09 - Thinking about the fact that Dan maybe chose this question because he wanted to know more about Phil.

3:14 - you can see the moment when Phil smirks and decides to go for the tackle

3:14 - I mean...nothing else to say about this.

3:16 - hand heart thing is a Dan thing from his previous (one) video. It’s sweet.

We almost had a nice sign-off but nope...have to have some mooooore licking.

This couldn’t have been an easy video to edit, based on the amount of footage I’m guessing there was, combined with the choice to make it “random XD.” I didn’t really think I’d be commenting on Phil’s editing skills in this video, but he really is brilliant.

What really stands out to me about this video is how comfortable DNP are with each other, having just met irl 24 hours before this. And how well they work together on camera (even though you can tell Dan seems a bit nervous in spots). To contrast with the zebra video, there are a lot of the same elements, but the dynamic is very different. In zebra, there’s less casual touching, less laughter, less looking at each other, and less back-and-forth, even though Phil has presumably known Ben for much longer. And Phil is doing much more of the “work” of being entertaining.

The way DNP build off of each other and banter back and forth is almost unbelievable this early on. That dynamic has only grown in the past 11.5 years too. No wonder they love working together still.

This video is such a classic and is really the start of the whole DNP thing. 🥺 Love love love.

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

*sigh*

about the whole ‘do not ship real people. ever’ argument i’m gonna HAVE to say my piece on it and then i’m gonna shut up forever because i’ve heard it ALL and i just have to get all my thoughts out there even if no one reads them

i don’t know how else to explain i have never once ‘shipped’ something ever in my whole life. i have merely perceived and enthused over what EXISTS. like, correct me if i’m wrong, but....what would you ever get out of shipping two people who AREN’T actually together??? what is the point? you don’t get anything out of that; i mean, it sounds pretty exhausting and sad to look for proof where there is none. and they don’t get anything out of that. THAT is where it absolutely becomes gross and creepy and i have no respect for rps like that. septiplier is a PRIME example, where both people involved have gone on the record saying it destroys relationships because of course it does! why don’t people have any common sense! which is why my rule is to never let myself ‘ship’ something unless they are indisputably an item, and THAT’S where the cardinal rule of ‘don’t ship real people’ gets fuzzy.

i have been around the block in terms of rps HEAVILY with dan and phil. i have also engaged in a small way with joey and lauren(richpez) and reeve carney and eva noblezada from hadestown.(i have been correct in my assumptions[that they are in fact together] all three times so.....yeah, i kind of know what i’m on about) and from my well-versed experience, the essence and entertainment factor of rps is kind of the whole investigative nature? we become body language analysts and experts and stories resurface as do old tweets that when you put everything together, the natural conclusion(that yeah duh they’re obviously dating) would be super hard to ignore. and here is my thesis: shipping real people is fine as long as, 1. you have REALLY good reason to believe they are in fact in a relationship, to a point where it’s undeniable and 2. the speculation stays ONLINE, AWAY FROM THE PARTIES INVOLVED. both of these two coinciding statements have to be true for me to get behind it in any way.

anytime one of those rules are broken is when things get SUPER messy, and SUPER harmful SUPER fast. i’m gonna use dan and phil as an example again because i know what happened there the best. i’ve heard countless stories of people going right up to dan and asking who tops and who bottoms. there have been more than one instance of people going to meet and greets purely to corner them both and ask if they’re in a relationship. and props to dan and phil for putting themselves out there and risking...you know, those kind of interactions. because what the actual fuck. and yes, dan and phil are together, have been since 2009(and if you disagree i literally do not know how to explain that you are both blind and being willfully heteronormative), but that doesn’t give anyone the right to play an active part in it. witness it, sure. speculate with like minded individuals on tumblr? of course. but when you cross lines, and you KNOW you’re crossing lines..that is super, super uncomfortable for everyone involved. i do not disagree that that sort of thing is seriously stupid and harmful, which dan also confirmed in his coming out video that that sort of thing quite literally scarred him for life. just imagine how dehumanizing it would be, for people to perceive you as, not a person, but one half of a ship on the internet? and to feel entitled enough as to literally ask them about them it? gross. creepy. weird. 

BUT! youtube clip analysis posts on tumblr is NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING DISRESPECTUL. honestly, any posting on tumblr(again! AWAY from the parties involved) is NOT THE SAME THING. talking about them in youtube or tiktok comment sections, not the same thing. and i’m talking about specific ships here, LIKE cockles, because they are what prompted this post from me. 

i am not saying you have to agree with those type of posts, but like...just leave them alone? maybe? and if you call me crazy, i’m gonna laugh at you, because i know what i’m talking about and i could blow your mind.

to go even further, and i’ll use my two comfort couples as examples: on some level(WITH COUPLES THAT ACTUALLY EXIST), they probably, definitely appreciate being shipped. think about it. not the invasive aspects of it, like asking about what they do in private and investigating their addresses so you could maybe stalk them(which has happened and i think larry stylinson got it worse? i’m avoiding that whole thing because it sounds like an otherworldly mess). i’m talking the best part of it, which is seeing and sharing clips of them looking at each other and saying ‘they look so in love here’. both of my couples have terms coined after these types of things...’heart eyes howell’ ‘love eyes lester’ and the ‘unicorn laugh’ all come to mind.(misha doesn’t have a term but boy does he have the expressions) i mean, if you were in a relationship, and people saw how happy you were, and just like, basked in that happiness online, that’s kind of beautiful, no? i would want that. 

and about my actual post where people are like ‘go outside. stop shipping real people this is crazy’ ...does my posting about an interview answer jensen gave in 2016 seriously hurt anyone in any way? really? maybe,,,,don’t interact with posts that aren’t to your own personal taste? again, jensen literally SAID THOSE THINGS. jensen and misha SAY CRAZY THINGS LIKE THAT. they SHARE ANNIVERSARY POSTS. THEY MAKE JOKES ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX 24/7. THEY ARE PUTTING A GUN TO OUR HEADS AND FORCING US TO WITNESS THEM. jensen SAID that answer because that’s the furthest he can go without completely outing himself as a bi, poly man and i’m simply seeing that and reacting to it, just like he wants me to. i don’t feel wrong or weird for any analysis posts when it comes to them because they are actively egging us on and actually do want us to know. so. 

i guess i’m ranting because i resent being called, like, a crazy shipper fangirl or something. i am not crazy. or stupid. and i have a brain and would never cross any lines. and maybe consider why ships like cockles and phan gained so much traction in the first place. maybe consider we’re not reaching and never have been. on that note, maybe consider why DESTIEL gained so much traction when tptb never intended for it to happen. ...

[angelmichelangelo]

anon was me, reading your response was lowkey like therapy and I really appreciated it. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been gaslighted by other phandom members or seen phandom members bully each other just because they’re in deep and think it’s their duty to ??? idk?? keep EVERYONE obsessed and essentially worshipping dnp for putting out mediocre or bare-minimum content. I don’t hate dnp, I just feel like I moved on and like you said, it’s probably a sign of something beyond “jealousy” or pettiness when ex-phandom members are all coming forward saying the same things. The fandom environment itself was extremely unhealthy and I’m sick of people saying “it’s chill now! There’s like no one here.” Because... it’s still not. It’s not chill, it’s just the same recycled gifs in queues, “I miss __” posts and the overhyping of tweets or an appearance of Freja. (Don’t even get me started on people treating the baby like a micro-celebrity. So incredibly uncomfortable). The fact that I still feel like I have to apologize for not enjoying dnp enough is incredibly frustrating. I’m definitely not jealous, I’m not even sure what we’re all supposed to be jealous of. “If you don’t like it, move on” can’t even apply to me because I have moved on but I have a lot of lingering discomfort from my time trying to get out.

yeah, it really is kinda weird that once you step away from phandom you can get a real perspective of it all and go: wow, that was weird. phan accounts (on both tumblr and twitter) that were treated like celebs themselves was just... straight up strange like wtf was that all about lmao. also i legit saw a fancam edit of freja and i just completely shut down. i had to step away from the internet for a whole ass hour because oh my god??

the unsettling part of phandom is that in their eyes, dan and phil truly cannot do no wrong. they claim that they call them out when they do something bad but oh my god is that a lie. you cannot ever be hypocritical of dan and phil whether you're an active member of the community or an ex-phannie. if you're a phan blog then you're seen as 'just bored and trying to start drama' and if you're a ex-phannie then you're just 'jealous and bitter'. even now after i've been away from the phandom for what... almost a year (i left in july 2020 and kinda never really fully came back i guess) and i'm still looking over my shoulder type thing because i still get anons crying about MY opinion in my inbox. like: sure you can enjoy whatever content you want, that's absolutely fine! (look at me i'm a marvel blog lmfao at least im self aware lol) but like... some phannies need to just realise that not everyone is going to love them and love dan and phil the way they do. i felt sometimes they misinterpreted that close creator/viewer relationship they had with us and they run WAY too far with it. which is maybe why dnp are looking for a rebrand (and failing so hideously) this obviously doesn't apply to all their fans, the phannie mutuals i've kept in touch with are very near and dear to my heart and i think without them i probably would have gone insane lol (yall know who you are <3)

but like... yeah in all honesty back in like. 2017 or 2018 when phan blogs i was following would quit the phandom and say the EXACT same things as i am now, i'd be like :( oh no!! why would they say that!! but clearly there's a pattern here, and it just shows, if more than one person is pointing out the flaws in a phandom or a community on a certain platform (whether here or twitter) it just proves that it's not someone just being bitter, it's that there probably is a problem in your fandom and they chose to ignore it.

[blissedoutphil]

Cool Down

Never thought I’d be writing a prompt from the man himself in the year he’s barely around. Also anon’s idea is A+ thank you for that, I hope you enjoy!

The (**) leads to a nsfw link so be careful if you wanna click it!

3019 words of ice play, Top!Phil, bottom!dan, ice play, blowjob, smut

or read on ao3!

Dan groaned at the sound of the doorbell. Phil and his damn packages. It was so hot that he'd decided to spend the day not moving at all from the spot on the couch near the fan, but Phil was busy filming so he had no choice.

He reluctantly stepped away from the fan and went to answer the door. He didn’t bother putting a shirt on and was just in his shorts, because who needs a layer over their sticky skin in fucking 34ºC weather.

He was too hot to even feel conscious about being topless when facing the cute deliveryman. The guy didn’t look fazed either, probably most people he delivered packages to were wearing as little clothing as possible on this sweltering day. He dumped Phil’s packages on the kitchen table and went back to his spot.

A few hours later Phil walked in, in just shorts too.

“Whew, I’m glad filming’s finally done. Couldn’t wait to take off my shirt the entire time,” he complained, plopping down between Dan and the fan.

“Hey! Stop blocking the fan,” Dan toed at Phil’s side to get him to move, “go get your packages on the kitchen table.”

“Oh, they’re here already?” Phil got up immediately, looking quite excited that his order had arrived.

“You making a Wish video again or something?” Dan asked from where he was still lounging.

“No, just got some things I thought were cool.”

“Phil, we’ve got enough useless things lying around here, you gotta stop falling for the ads” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Uh, I beg to differ, you loved that Nic Cage pillow cover,” Phil said indignantly, “plus I got something that’s definitely useful for you right now.”

That piqued Dan’s interest, and he quirked an eyebrow at Phil, “If it’s not another fan or a portable A/C then I don’t agree with you.”

“It’s better than that, trust me,” Phil had that glint in his eye that Dan knew meant he was planning something good.

But he was also being sneaky about it, refusing to tell Dan what he got and telling him he’s got to wait a few hours.

So they spent the rest of the warm day lazily lounging about and trying but failing to pay attention to the tv since their brains felt melted from the heat. Phil had eaten 2 ice lollies, and made huge glasses of iced coffee for both of them, but they still felt warm as soon as their cold treats were gone.

"If whatever you bought is better than a fan then can we please use it now?!” Dan said exasperatedly, wiping sweat off his brow.

“So impatient,” Phil chided, but he got up to retrieve the item.

“Actually,” Phil continued as he walked over to the kitchen, “I got this idea after I saw your tweet.”

Dan craned his neck to look over at his boyfriend, squinting his eyes suspiciously.

“You gonna help me stick some ice up my ass?” he joked, but stopped chuckling when he realised Phil wasn’t laughing along with him.

“I mean,” Phil shrugged, looking into the freezer, “you could’ve just texted that to me.”

Dan’s breath hitched as it dawned on him that Phil was dead serious about following through with his joke tweet.

“It’s too hot for sex right now, Phil,” he griped.

“Not as hot as your idea. Hey, describing ice play as hot is kinda ironic,” Phil grinned.

Dan rolled his eyes fondly. “What does my tweet have anything to do with your Wish purchase anyway?”

“It’s like Wish knew what you tweeted, I think they’re spying on us.”

“Spit it out, Lester, what did you get? A dick-shaped ice tray or something?”

Phil peeked out from the freezer door. “That does sound like something Wish probably has.”

Dan barked out a laugh. The ridiculousness of the idea based on his joke coupled with the determination on Phil’s face resulted in him doubled over from laughter.

Dan pressed his hand over his chest at an attempt to calm down to talk, “Don’t tell me you actually!”

Phil shrugged nonchalantly, “your wish is my command, who else was gonna fulfil your requests on twitter?”

Dan shook his head slightly at his ridiculous boyfriend. He heard the freezer shut and Phil beckoned him over to the kitchen, so he lazily got up and padded over to where his boyfriend was in front of the counter.

The moment he stepped close enough for Phil to reach out for him, Phil grabbed him and pinned him against the counter. He grunted as Phil turned them so his back hit against the counter, barely having time to register what was happening.

Phil had a smirk as he held Dan in place by his hips. He headed straight for Dan’s lips, and Dan happily welcomed the kiss. But Dan’s eyes widened and he moaned in surprise when he opened his mouth and a small ice cube was pushed into his mouth. The ice cube quickly melted between their tongues, and Phil only broke the kiss when it was completely gone.

Dan gasped out a surprised laugh. He already had an idea of what Phil was up to yet somehow he still did not see that coming.

Phil winked in that endearing way where it almost counted as blinking instead, and reached for something on the counter behind him. He gently pushed Dan’s head down to his neck and Dan got the hint, starting to mouth along his neck to his shoulder.

Dan had barely started on sucking a hickey when Phil gripped his hair and yanked him back up to kiss him again. Dan still moaned in surprise when he felt another ice cube being pushed into his mouth again.

Dan noted that the ice wasn’t exactly cube shaped as it got passed between them. Phil rubbed it on Dan’s tongue with his own, feeling it melt.

Their lips felt cold but their bodies grew warmer, sticky against each other as their chests pressed together. Phil placed a hand on Dan’s chest to balance himself and also have some space between them so that their body heat wouldn’t be too uncomfortably hot. He could feel Dan’s heart beating faster against his palm.

Once again, Phil looked over Dan’s shoulder to pop another ice into his mouth after the previous one completely melted. This time, he stuck his tongue out to show Dan the ice.

“Oh,” was all Dan could manage before he broke out into laughter.

Phil couldn’t help but giggle too, taking the dick-shaped ice from his tongue and holding it out for Dan to take a proper look.

“Cute innit, you guessed right. I think Wish can actually grant any wish we have,” Phil beamed at his own dumb joke.

Dan looked behind him and saw a big glass on their table top full of small ice that were shaped simply like bananas with two circles at the end.

“Not what I thought of at all when I tweeted that,” Dan laughed.

He turned back to Phil when he felt Phil place the ice on his chest. He watched as Phil traced the ice along his chest, watched as the dick shrank quickly until all of it turned to water trailing down his stomach. How was playing with ice so hot?

“Don’t think these tiny things in my ass would be satisfying enough, though,” he smirked.

“Oh, I know,” Phil squeezed Dan’s ass, “this is just one of the things in my Wish package.”

Dan didn’t have time to ask anything because Phil was already pressing an ice-dick to his lips, and he opened his mouth to accept it, Phil’s lips following immediately after.

A strangled whimper escaped Dan’s mouth when a sudden cold bit at his nipple. He gripped Phil’s upper arm for purchase, but Phil wasn’t letting up on their kiss or the sliding of the ice across his chest.

The ice was circled around his nipple, going over it until it hardened. Dan shivered a little, but Phil only broke the kiss to pop another ice into their mouths and press another against his other nipple, repeating until it was equally numb and hard.

Dan shuddered, swallowing the melted ice. He was definitely starting to cool down, feeling the cold water run down his chest. Phil was still tracing another ice slowly, from his clavicles to his chest to his tummy - like he didn’t want to miss a spot.

They were both already hard, and with his free hand, Phil began palming Dan through his shorts. Dan whined into Phil’s mouth, canting his hips into Phil’s hand.

Phil pressed an ice below Dan’s collarbone using his lips. He slowly traced it down Dan’s body, and Dan held onto his shoulders as he went down. The ice melted completely by the time it reached Dan’s bellybutton, but Phil continued kissing his way down, until he was properly on his knees.

Above him, he heard Dan’s breaths coming out ragged. He licked a drop of water that was trickling down Dan’s happy trail to the waistband of his shorts, then started mouthing Dan’s dick through the shorts. He could feel Dan’s dick twitch, straining against the shorts.

Dan moaned, tugging at Phil’s hair to move him away just long enough for him to remove the only piece of cloth on him. He hastily pulled his shorts down, and Phil helped him step out of it completely.

Dan shivered involuntarily as Phil started licking along his shaft. Phil’s tongue felt cold on him, but he felt himself heating up from the way Phil was staring up at him while swirling his tongue on his slit.

“My god,” Dan moaned when Phil went down on him proper, a cool sensation in contrast to the usual warmth of his mouth.

But the cold didn’t last long of course, as Phil started bobbing his head in earnest. Dan’s balls met Phil’s chin with each time Phil went down on him.

“Phil,” Dan moaned, trying to catch his breath to speak, “Phil I won’t last before seeing your other - oh- your other purchase.”

At that, Phil kneeled up and slowed his movements. His free hand snaked up to reach the glass on the edge of the table. The dick-shaped ice left in there had melted some, and he dipped his fingers in to wet them.

Dan was still too caught up in the blowjob to notice what Phil was doing, so he let out a small surprised yelp when Phil’s cold fingers pressed against his hole. He spread his legs a little, relaxing to let Phil finger him.

A strained whimper escaped Dan, starting to feel overwhelmed from Phil’s mouth still on him and now his fingers in him too. Phil began to pump his finger in and out, adding a second finger soon after. He looked up at Dan, gauging how he was holding up so that he knew to pace himself and not let Dan come before he could move on to the next part. Dan was gazing down at him, panting and looking flushed despite all the ice rubbed on him.

Phil moved off of Dan’s dick with a pop when he was done fingering him. He stood up and gently manoeuvred Dan to turn around and bend over on the counter top.

“I don’t think you’ve cooled down enough,” Phil said nonchalantly, tapping Dan’s ass.

Dan folded his arms and rested his cheek against them, humming in agreement with Phil.

“Gimme more ice dicks,” he chuckled and wiggled his butt, “you still haven’t fulfilled my twitter wish.”

“Once again,” Phil smacked Dan’s ass playfully, “so impatient.”

Phil took some ice that hasn’t yet melted in the glass and placed them neatly in a line down Dan’s back along his spine, from the bottom of his neck right to the spot between his back dimples. Dan could count 6, and could feel the coldness spread from each of them through his skin. He was then ordered to keep still so the ice wouldn’t fall off.

“Actually,” Phil went to open the freezer, “I don’t think I can fulfil your twitter wish exactly.”

Dan made a questioning noise, confused. But he couldn’t turn to look at Phil.

“You asked for a cube, but that’s not what I have,” Phil took out his next item from the freezer and finally showed it to Dan.

“Oh. My. God,” Dan uttered in a mix of shock and amazement, “fucking Wish!”

Phil giggled. He opened the dick mould (**) to reveal the ice in the shape of a very realistic penis, complete with the balls and head and veiny shaft. It was rather large too, Dan reckoned, almost as big as him.

Dan could feel the tiny ice dicks melting on his back, the water dripping down his sides as his body thrummed in excitement to try out the new toy.

“Ready?” Phil asked, taking out the ice from the mould and rubbing it along Dan’s crack.

Dan shivered at the contact, it was fucking cold. But he didn’t want to waste anymore time and cause the ice to melt before they could even start.

“Yesss,” he keened, sticking his ass up a bit more.

Phil took Dan’s arm and brought it behind him, a silent order that Dan understood immediately. He spread his asscheeks with both hands, his face planted against the table as he looked on at Phil expectantly.

Phil quickly pressed the head of the ice-dick into Dan’s hole, and Dan hissed at the coldness penetrating him. The balls part of the ice was already starting to melt in Phil’s hand, but he took his time pushing it into Dan, letting Dan adjust to the intrusion. He knew Dan could take the size since it was smaller than him, although only by a bit, but he wasn’t sure how it would feel to have a frozen item entering him.

“Oh my god,” Dan mumbled. He could feel the cold spread inside him, a much more intense sensation than at the start of their play when the tiny ice was just spreading a bit of cold on his skin.

“How does it feel?” Phil asked as he slowly pushed another inch in, a steady hand on Dan’s lower back.

“Fucking cold,” Dan grit out, “strange but. Good. Keep going.”

“Good,” Phil repeated, and kept going like Dan requested until the ice balls were pressed against Dan’s ass, a little out of shape from having melted slightly.

“So weird, I can like, feel it melting inside me,” Dan commented, swaying his hips a bit.

Phil grabbed the ice balls and slowly dragged it out a bit, noting that the ice already lost its veiny details, now looking like a really long and thick ice pop. He then pushed it back in and repeated, fucking Dan with the ice and watching as it grew smaller in size.

Water was trickling out of Dan’s ass and down his legs, and now he really felt cool all over. Phil let go of the ice and kept it in Dan, reaching under Dan and placing his cold hand on Dan’s hard dick. Dan jerked at the touch, and moaned when Phil started stroking him.

Dan felt like his ass was going numb from the cold, not really able to clench around the shrinking ice. He was able to feel Phil sliding his own dick along his crack, though. He wiggled his ass and stuck it out more, encouraging Phil.

“All the cold water’s being wasted,” Phil noted as more melted ice trickled down Dan’s thighs, “here, let me help you keep it in.”

With that, Phil pulled his own shorts off and thrusted into Dan, eliciting a loud moan from Dan. The small length of ice that hasn’t melted was pushed further into him, and Dan could feel the cold piercing his insides.

“Oh,” Phil moaned, totally not used to fucking into a cold hole.

He began to fuck Dan faster, and the ice definitely melted faster with the movement and their combined body heat. Dan held onto the edge of the table, bracing himself against it as he was fucked. He tried to clench around Phil but still felt too numb to work his muscles there.

Phil’s hand moved back to jerking Dan off, wanting him to come at the same time. Dan was moaning expletives, his hips colliding against the table with every hard thrust from Phil.

The glass of tiny ice-dicks was completely melted, and Phil poured some of the cold water on Dan’s back, spreading it around with his hand. Dan squealed, warning Phil that he was close. It only made Phil speed up both his thrusts and strokes, until Dan wasn’t able to form any words anymore.

Soon enough, Dan came with a high pitched moan, feeling warmth rise in his groin despite all the cold water in and on him. Phil followed almost immediately after, filling Dan with his come. He stayed inside Dan until he fully calmed down from his high.

Dan was lying pliant on the table when Phil pulled out. He realised that the numbness was finally gone, and he clenched his ass to keep the mix of come and melted ice in him for just a bit longer. Phil laid on top of Dan, pressing his body against Dan’s back, and Dan finally felt a bit of warmth again.

“So how was that? Was it everything you wished for when typing that tweet?” Phil murmured in between soft, lazy kisses on the back of Dan’s neck and shoulders, smirking against Dan's damp skin.

“Hmm,” Dan pondered, “not exactly. You didn’t shove it in me like I tweeted.”

Phil huffed, pushing off of Dan and smacking his ass, “you clean this mess.”

Dan merely laughed. He turned around as soon as Phil was off him and pulled Phil into a hug before Phil could get too far.

“Okay okay, I loved it. And I’ll clean up here, only if you promise to try the ice dick too.”

--------------------------------------

smh at the way I kept referencing Wish but only found the mould on etsy. also 'cold' doesn't look like a proper word anymore. Anyway, hope all of your summer’s been good (as good as it can get in this pandemic...)

[secretlywritingstories]

Here’s some faves from my camera roll this year | Phan One Shot

Summary: 1 birthday tweet. 4 photos. 4 domestic memories. 1 smiling Phil. 1 fond Dan.

Word count: 5k

No warnings

A/N: Watch me channel all of my feels over that birthday tweet into one fic where I create a domestic moment out of every single photo.

Read on AO3 or below

“Do I get approval privileges?” Dan asked, tilting his head towards Phil who was scrolling through the photos he’d put a heart on in his camera roll.

He’d considered just going into the person tab and scroll through all of the photos that had been identified as Dan by the phone itself, but it would miss some out. It might mistake Dan for bread or something and not identify him correctly. Phil wanted to have all his options for great Dan photos open.

“Hmm,” Phil just hummed, eyes focused on the phone instead of Dan. He wasn’t really listening to him. Dan knew that.

“Phil,” Dan said, only he didn’t really say. It was more of a high-picked whine of a noise than a name. Phil knew him well enough to tell what he meant.

He was annoyed that Phil was ignoring him, as if they hadn’t spent all day hanging out and he’d made sure to get him presents and his favourite foods.

“Dan,” Phil called back, still scrolling through his camera roll. He had too many photos, specifically he had too many photos of Dan. Okay that wasn’t true. He would never have too many photos of Dan. It was more a case of it being annoying because it was almost impossible to narrow it down to just four candidates. Maybe he should do a double tweet?

“You know it’s rude to post photos of someone without their permission,” Dan said, and Phil heard it half-heartedly now. Just enough to make him crack a smile.

“Do I need to remind you of the cereal series you posted a couple of years back?” Phil asked, looking up from his phone for the first time in minutes.

As he’d been expecting, Dan was pouting and looking entirely too squishable. Phil almost wanted to put the phone down and go fall into his arms. He resisted the urge. He had a mission to accomplish.

A new tradition to uphold. They’d let go of so many old traditions lately but last year he’d picked his four favourite Dan photos from his camera roll and he would do it again. He knew people were anticipating it or something similar.

He knew Dan was also expecting a tweet in one manner or another.

“That was self-defence,” Dan said, and Phil could hear his pout, even if he wasn’t looking at him.

“How?” he asked, more fondness creeping into his tone. He picked his first photo.

“You were murdering my cereal,” Dan argued, in a deadpan voice.

That got Phil to look up from his phone, but only to shoot Dan a smirk as he rose to the bait that Dan had put down. They knew each other too well, and Dan knew it was coming too. He looked at Phil expectantly.

“So, was I a cereal killer?” he asked, smiling wholeheartedly because his words made Dan snort and roll his eyes but it also made that small smile appear on his lips. The one where fondness just leaked out.

“I’m done with you and you’re supposed to be nice to me on my birthday,” Dan said with a sigh. He didn’t look done with Phil at all. In fact, he looked entirely smitten, even after all these years.

“Why don’t you leave me in peace to pick the most embarrassing photos I can, and answer all those messages while it’s still your birthday? You know you’ll feel better than leaving it for tomorrow,” Phil said and decided on a second photo.

“I hate it when you’re right,” Dan said, pulling his own phone out.

“Then you must hate me a whole lot,” Phil said, grinning.

“Shut up.”

Phil lifted his phone and snapped a photo of Dan, just because he could.

It was a bad photo, a little blurry and a little rushed. He wouldn’t be including it in the top Dan photos of the last year, but he still smiled at his screen. He had so many photos of Dan just in bed or on the couch. Where he’d just reach for his phone and want to capture the moment.

He’d once read a quote that had never quite left his mind.

If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.

Phil felt like it captured them a little too well. They’d captured almost everything in photos and on video. So much of their relationship and their growth was captured, and often shared. They had both found something so incredible that they’d been a little worried that they’d lose it one day.

They’d talked about that a couple of years in. They’d put some of those fears to rest. They were both in this. Wholeheartedly. None of them saw it changing. Not now. Not ever.

Phil watched Dan and he thought that maybe the quote had it wrong. Maybe people didn’t photograph what they were afraid of losing. Maybe they photographed what they so desperately wanted to hold onto. He supposed that the fear of the loss could be wrapped up in that but he didn’t really feel like that around Dan anymore.

He wasn’t scared of losing him. They had each other. A lot of things was changing around them but that wouldn’t. Phil knew.

He smiled down at his phone again, scrolling through the camera roll until he settled on the penultimate photo. He looked over the three photos. They were good ones. Gems each and every one of them. None of them were necessarily gems because of the quality but rather because of the memories tied to them.

Phil was debating between two Dan photos for the fourth and final photo when he ended up scrolling through the Starcourt Mall photos again. He didn’t have one of just Dan from that day, but he did have a joint selfie. Last year, he’d only picked Dan photos in honour of Dan, but… he missed sharing photos of him and Dan. They looked good together. He decided on his fourth photo.

Phil looked over them just one more time, while he thought of how to phrase his tweet.

It had been a hot day. They’d decided to stop for ice cream at a pretentious ice cream shop that Dan had spied out of the corner of his eye.

“Up for an indulgence?” Dan had asked, already tugging on Phil’s sleeve, like he was a child who’d seen… well, the ice cream truck.

Phil giggled a little at his own thought. “Sure.”

Dan took about ten minutes deciding on a flavour, and Phil wanted to stay that he could never call him the indecisive one again. Well, until next time when Phil would just mutter “I don’t know” when Dan asked him what he wanted to do.

He’d gotten teased enough that he felt like he could tease back.

“Get in my mouth, you saucy fuck?” Phil asked under his breath as they walked away with their respective cones. The swear felt a little odd on his tongue, out in public, which made him feel like he should stick to her AmazingPhil non-swearing strategy, but he couldn’t resist.

Dan twisted around to face Phil and looked like one big question mark.

“What?” he asked, fond and confused. “Did you just say something about a saucy fuck?”

Okay, Phil had counted on Dan remembering that moment. Maybe because it had brought Phil so much joy. It had felt like Dan had been in France for too long that summer and Phil had missed him more than he was willing to admit to anyone. That Instagram story had made him full on cackle and it had both eased the longing and worsened it. Still, Phil wouldn’t have gone without seeing Dan say “get in my mouth, you saucy fuck” while eating a Minion ice cream of all things.

“From your France Instagram story?” Phil asked, smiling both at the memory and the expression Dan was currently wearing.

“Did I say that? Oh, yeah, I did. Fuck. How’d you remember that?”

“Guess, I just remember a lot of things about you,” Phil said, in a teasing and challenging tone, laying down bait that he knew that Dan would take.

“Not as much as I know about you. I pride myself on my extensive knowledge on one Philip Michael Lester.”

“Listing off my full name is impressing no one, Daniel James Howell. Frankly, I’d be insulted if you didn’t know my name.”

“Said the guy who’s forgot my age multiple times.”

“Time moves too fast,” Phil argued. “And you’ve forgotten your own age once.”

And Phil didn’t really care about getting older, or Dan getting older, as long as they were doing it together. Phil had thought he might freak out when he moved past 30 but he only felt better as the years moved on. More settled. More in love.

“You’re weird,” Dan said, but Phil heard the secret “I love you” just fine.

Dan finally turned his focus to his ice cream instead of Phil and Phil ignored his own cone in favour of quickly pulling out his phone and snapping a photo. He had a compilation of Dan eating ice cream already and it was always good to add to collections.

Dan noticed Phil’s phone too late, but when he did, he huffed out a fond noise that Phil would never tire of hearing.

Dan hadn’t quite managed to bend the new sofa to the curve of his spine or the imprint of his ass but he did give it his best shot. He spent a lot of hours on the sofa, just hanging out.

Phil did too. They both immensely loved their sofa time. It felt different from being in bed time. Like they’d made a bit of an effort to get out of the bed and start the day, even if they might just end up doing the exact same thing.

Dan was having one of those days where he felt like everything was making him a little prickly. Phil knew how to spot them by now, and he let Dan have his space unless he explicitly asked for more contact.

It was only when Phil walked into the lounge and saw that Dan had moved the collar of his shirt up to cover his chin that he wondered if he should check in with him, just to be sure. It was another habit of Dan’s, one that had been more prominent in the last few years, and Phil couldn’t help but be a little proud of it.

After all, Phil had been the one who had a tendency to hide in his shirts first. He treasured every single their traits that had rubbed off on each other. It was a little declaration of love.

Kind of a: I see what you do and I imitate it, even if I don’t mean to.

Phil loved it a whole lot.

“Who you hiding from?” Phil asked, letting himself plop down on the sofa next to Dan.

“My comments. On Basically I’m Gay.”

“You’re rereading?” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said with a little shake in his voice.

On a better day, Phil would instantly have pulled Dan into his arms and held him tight but now he settled for just a hand on his knee. Dan didn’t dive back into that comment section too much because he got emotional. It was one supportive message after another, Phil had checked.

“Some days, it doesn’t feel real, you know? It doesn’t feel like I actually did it. I’ve… I’ve wanted to do it for so long, but sometimes I just forget that this is a thing that actually happened. I’m out. You’re out. We’re gay.”

“We are gay,” Phil said, smiling so wide that his face almost hurt.

“Stop grinning like a maniac,” Dan complained and pulled up his shirt even higher to cover his nose as well.

“Stop hiding,” Phil called softly.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” Dan said, but there was humour in his voice now. It sounded a little lighter, a little less burdened.

“What if I want to see your beautiful face?” Phil asked and whipped out his phone and opened the camera app.

“You’re not taking a photo of me while I’m like this!” Dan protested.

Phil instantly dropped his hand; he didn’t actually want to push past boundaries that Dan legitimately set. Dan noticed his dropping hand, and the expression he was wearing and he rolled his eyes. Too fond.

“Want a photo?” Dan asked.

“Not if you’re-”

But Phil didn’t even get to finish before Dan had pulled his shirt all the way up to his hairline. Now Phil could only see the mop of gorgeous curls and he really liked that Dan had stopped straightening it. It suited him like this. Wild and gorgeous.

Dan still had his laptop in his lap and his phone in his hand.

“Huh, I can see through this,” he commented, like this was entirely normal. He went back to scrolling on his phone.

Phil got to his feet smiling and left Dan to it. He seemed in better spirits now. Phil wondered if the black shirt was enough to obscure things a bit, so he wouldn’t be so emotionally affected if he was indeed diving back into the comments. Or maybe he just felt better because he could hide.

Phil had meant to just leave, get back to his own work, but he raised his phone and snapped another photo of Dan. Dan didn’t look his way, not for a second, but he did need to.

Phil had always thought that Dan was the most beautiful when he was just quietly existing. Even if that meant existing with a shirt shoved over his face.

It was his Dan, and he loved every part of him.

Dan had a lot of meetings out of the flat for his project lately. His secret project as he insisted on calling it, just because of the old cliché of YouTubers having secret projects that they’d mention all of the time ages before they were allowed to say anything.

Dan hadn’t done that. He’d just quietly and diligently worked. Phil was so proud of him for what he was creating.

But he did hate that it created a bit of an air of loneliness in the flat while Dan was out. Phil could usually hear Dan as he moved around the flat, no matter where he was. It was like he’d developed a fine-tuned mechanism that could easy and instantly locate Dan.

Phil liked it. He liked that they just quietly co-existed during some hours of the day. Not together, exactly, but not apart either. Not at all.

When Phil’s phone lit up with a FaceTime notification from Dan, he fumbled so much with his phone that he almost couldn’t manage to slide to accept. He did, just barely.

He was greeted with the image of Dan, in the back of a car. He still looked like he’d left this morning when Phil had waved him off and sprouted some bullshit about being the maiden waiting for the solider to return home.

Considering how his chest ached at the image of Dan, he hadn’t been far off. After just a few hours apart, Phil was itching to just talk to Dan. He always had things to tell or show him. Dan was his sounding board and he was Dan’s. They never tried to execute an idea without asking for the other one’s opinion.

“Hi Danny boy, is my soldier coming home?” Phil asked teasingly.

Dan shook his head and smiled.

“Phil don’t call me that,” he reprimanded but it was soft, fond, like it always was with him.

“Whatever. You on your way home?”

“Yeep,” Dan said in agreement.

“Talking in front of the driver make you nervous?” Phil asked, knowingly. He knew so many of Dan’s worries and quirks.

“’Cause announcing that out loud isn’t awkward at all,” Dan said, eyes darting forward to what must be the driver. “I will start miming instead if you don’t stop.”

The threat was laced with too much fondness for Phil to take it seriously.

“And what would that look like?” Phil challenged, because Dan had never been able to pass up a challenge.

Dan didn’t disappoint, he pressed his pointer finger to his nose and pulled it up. Phil wanted to fall over laughing but he had enough of a mind to quickly snap a screenshot before he let himself do that.

It was an old reflex, one that didn’t get flexed a lot anymore but Phil was happy to see that it still worked perfectly. It better after what must have been hundreds of screenshots of Skype calls in the early years, where Phil had always tried to catch Dan laughing or smiling. He’d looked back over those grainy and shitty screenshots in their time apart.

Old habits die hard.

“You took a screenshot, didn’t you?” Dan asked, one eyebrow raised accusatory.

“No,” Phil said, smiling all over his face, as he lied.

“I will throttle you when I get home,” Dan warned, mirth in his eyes.

“I will look forward to it,” Phil said, smirking. And then he was overcome with another wave of missing Dan, even if he was about to be here. “Get home soon, yeah?”

“As fast as I can, Phil,” Dan promised.

Phil liked double-dates very much. He got to hang out with his brother, one of his closest friends and of course, Dan. Dan didn’t really have a set label to describe him in Phil’s brain. It had been too long of Dan just being Dan in Phil’s mind.

It was like there was never quite a label that had fit on him. It seemed fitting considering how he felt about labels. Even so, Phil had to admit that he had gotten a little emotional about the words that Dan had carefully chosen to describe them in his coming out video last year.

Best friends. Companions through life. Literal soulmates.

Phil had playfully hit him when he’d heard that bit of the video, not because he was angry but because he was so overwhelmed with his feelings that he hadn’t even known how to get them out other than slapping at Dan.

Dan had just laughed and let him get several hits in before he’d gently trapped his hands and quietly and softly, asked if it was okay. Phil’s brain had backfired so much that he’d tried to throw himself into Dan’s arms and kiss him at the same time.

It had been a disaster but it had gotten the message across.

Another word for Dan could be date-mate. It seemed playful and nice. Phil had liked it; Dan had just glared at him like he couldn’t believe he had willingly handed his heart over to Phil when he’d just been eighteen years old. Phil would always be thankful for that.

They had followed Stranger Things ever since it had aired, just like the rest of the world, and Phil had felt deprived that they’d have to wait even further for a new season. He just wanted more. He was of the binge generation and he liked to just sit down and consume.

The Stranger Things experience came at just the right time. Of course, Martyn and Cornelia were there too. Phil was really happy that he got to hang out with them so relatively often. Almost as much as he loved how Dan cared about them just as much as he did.

Martyn had taken to Dan like an older brother, and welcomed him right into the family. Phil couldn’t even believe he’d been scared, once upon a time in a land that felt so far away, of what it might be like to introduce Martyn to his future someone.

The exhibition and the experience were incredible and Phil was just mesmerised by the whole thing. He liked playing along to the games, even if it meant talking to strangers. It was okay, as soon as he could go back and find Dan at the end of it.

Him and Dan had dressed up in their subtle matching ways, as they had joked that they should have kept their outfits from the one time they did Stranger Things in a YouTube Rewind. It felt like ages ago.

Time tended to move fast when you were happy.

They weren’t allowed to have their phones with them, as to not take photos to share on social media. Not that Phil would have wanted to do so. He knew how much it mattered to experience a thing organically. He knew how much they’re tried to explain that TATINOF shouldn’t be spoiled back in the day.

But they did get their phones back at the end and they were allowed to take photos in front of Starcourt Mall. The blue lighting left an almost eerie feeling over all the photos.

“Here, take one of us,” Martyn said, shoving his phone into Dan’s hands.

“You ask him and not me?” Phil asked, mock-offended.

“Dan’s got a good eye,” Martyn just said with a teasing smile as he posed with Cornelia.

“Hey, I take good photos too,” Phil complained but it fell to deaf ears and Dan diligently photographed Martyn and Cornelia.

When he had taken enough, he pulled out his own phone and gestured at Phil.

“Come on, I’ll take one of you too,” Dan said. “Do a power pose or something cool.”

“I’m always cool.”

“I think your outfit would disagree.”

“This is a cool outfit,” Phil defended, even if he knew that Dan was just riling him up for the fun of it. They had perfected this art of banter, little pokes here and there but nothing that ever cut through. Just loving little nudging, getting each other to reach. Keeping each other on their toes.

Dan did end up taking a pretty cool photo of him, Phil decided as he scrolled through the photo roll and sent himself his favourite one. Dan took the phone back and he was about to pocket it when Phil stopped him.

“One more?”

“I thought you already got the one you wanted,” Dan asked confused.

“I did. You’re the one for me,” Phil said, and he watched as Dan turned flustered and let out a surprise giggle that definitely attracted a few curious eyes.

“Phil,” Dan whined. “You’re being cheesy.”

“Well, you’re the one who said it.”

“I clearly meant the photo you wanted, dork,” Dan said.

“Can’t blame me that I hear ‘the one you wanted’ and think of you, can you?” Phil asked, smiling a little mischievously. He thought his tongue might be poking out based on Dan’s soft expression.

Dan just huffed out a breath of air and Phil wondered how just that simple action could sound so fond.

“What do you want then?” Dan asked.

Phil was tempted to just answer: You. But he had an actual agenda, before he got side-tracked by Dan’s fond noises and silly words.

“A selfie, of both of us,” he said.

It wasn’t something they did as often anymore, since they’d travelled less and gone to less things. There wasn’t the need to document and share joint selfies as much anymore but they still took them here and there for themselves. It had been something that had started in a Manchester Apple Store and it was a tradition that was very much alive today.

“Okay,” Dan said, stepping around Phil to squish them both into the same photo. It had been difficult at first but Dan had long since mastered the art with his long arms.

Phil looked at him and he just couldn’t stop himself from sliding an arm around Dan’s waist.

Dan quirked an eyebrow, before he moved his free arm to rest around Phil’s waist. It was nothing big, really, but it just felt intimate. It wasn’t something that they’d normally do in public, not before last year, even if this was fairly innocent.

Phil liked that they could do this now without much hesitation. He squeezed around Dan.

The photos turned out derpy because Dan refused to make any nice expressions but frankly, it just made Phil like the photos they took even more. It was so like Dan to pull silly expressions when he felt slightly exposed. But at the same time, he’d willingly and warmly leaned into Phil’s touch, reassuring him that he was okay, even if he couldn’t put on a serious face for the camera.

Phil sent himself all of the joint selfies immediately despite Dan’s complaints that he should only pick the good ones.

Phil would have liked to say that he sent the tweet without getting emotional but that wasn’t the case. It was a light-hearted tweet, and meant to be silly and funny while allowing a glimpse into their lives, but there was always this type of feeling in his gut whenever he openly loved Dan.

It had been a little scary at first. Loving someone so fiercely had been almost terrifying. Phil had always wondered if he’d find it, someone who made him feel like all the stories and the songs said you’d feel like when you were in love.

He hadn’t quite found that.

He’d found something much better. He had found Dan. His Dan. He could still recall the early signs of love blooming in his stomach when he’d seen a username pop up again and again. When they’d talked and something had just clicked.

The two of them had laid all the ground work that would eventually evolve into an entire world. Phil could never have foreseen it. He loved the videos and tours and community that they had built together but there was nothing he quite loved like being able to look over at Dan every day.

He was just there. Next to him in life. Phil couldn’t think of something more magical and wonderful.

“You’re staring,” Dan said without looking up from his phone. His fingers didn’t even stop moving.

Phil was attuned to Dan, but Dan was also attuned to Phil. It was the reason that they worked. It had always been a two-way street. They’d always loved equally, even if they showed it in different ways. Over the years, they had learned each other’s languages to the level of fluency.

“You’re staring,” Phil said, always reverting back to middle school comebacks when he felt like his brain wasn’t quite focused.

He found it difficult to stay focused on anything around Dan at times. It was like he was sucked into his space and his brain turned to mush. He’d see his dimple deepen or how the light caught his eyes and Phil’s brain would just shut off for a moment. It even happened when Dan was just there, like now.

Dan looked up from his phone and now he was actually staring. Or rather fondly gazing.

“Found your photos of torture?” he asked.

“Do you really want to approve them? You can, you know,” Phil said. He hadn’t really wanted to post any photos that might upset Dan.

Dan rolled his eyes, smile firmly on his lips. Dimple on display. Hair extraordinary long and curly because Dan still refused to let Phil go near his hair with the clippers.

“I trust you,” Dan said, like that was all he needed to say.

And it was, because so many sentiments were packed into those three words. They could carry just as much weight, if not more at times, than another set of three words that meant a lot.

“Good, because I’ve already tweeted it,” he said.

Dan let out a snort. “And if I’d asked to approve the photos?”

“I know you. I know you wouldn’t mind, or you’d have said something earlier.”

“Some days, Phil Lester, I wonder if you know entirely too much about me.”

“I don’t. I’ll never know enough. Because even if I knew every aspect of your past and present, I have to be here for the future too, you know?” Phil muttered, not really paying attention to his words. “I have to learn the stuff to come as well.”

“Phil,” Dan said and this time, it wasn’t the whine. It was a whisper. Phil’s name spoken as a whisper that sounded like it was softly pulled out from Dan’s deepest core.

“What?”

Dan looked at him, something deep and undefinable in his eyes. “Show me the photos.”

“Look them up yourself,” he said, nodding towards Dan’s phone still in his hand.

One beat. Two beats. Three be-

“PHIL!” Dan exclaimed and this was another way Dan said his name. When he was in complete disbelief over whatever Phil had done, but he still couldn’t hide the edge of joy. He liked when Phil surprised him. Dan started laughing. “I’m reporting you; these are horrible.”

“They are beautiful,” Phil defended.

“Even-”

“All of them,” Phil said, cutting Dan off before he could say more. “Every single one of them is beautiful and you know why?”

Dan’s expression softened and Phil wanted to cup his cheeks or poke his dimple.

“Why, Phil?” he asked, playing along.

“Because they tell a story. Each is a story that only we know. A moment for us. Candid photos of you in your natural habit, if you will.”

“I’m not an animal,” Dan argued.

“You act like one sometimes.”

“Hey!”

“Kidding. Well, mostly. But I will not hear any slander for any of my choices. I carefully picked those out of hundreds of potential candidates.”

“Hundreds?” Dan asked, sounding increasingly amused.

“I like taking photos of you, especially candid ones in silly moments. That’s where I love you the most.”

Phil still found it easier to tell Dan that he was loved through action. Words were hard most of the time, but other times, the came to him without event trying. Pure sincerity.

“Come here,” Dan said, letting his phone fall down the side of the sofa as he opened his arms wide and beaconed Phil closer.

Phil didn’t waste any time falling into them, just like he’d done for a decade of birthdays in a row.

[allthephils]

When I wrote this fic for @calvinahobbes, she asked me to explain my thought process and then proceeded to bully me into posting the resulting ramblings. :)

I didn’t at the time but for some reason, I feel like posting it now. So here are my thoughts. First let me say this: I am making assumptions about the life and motivations of real people. These are not things I sat and thought deeply about but rather what happened in my head when I saw clips from the Halloween gathering a few years ago. It is interesting and fun to think about how people’s lives unfold, particularly people as fascinating as Dan and Phil. I do so with compassion and an open mind, as well as a firm grip on reality. There may be insight and truth here, who knows, but I could be totally wrong. None of us know a thing about these personal moments in their lives, and I hope it stays that way until and unless they decide to share. TLDR: don’t at me, I am a thoughtful, grown ass woman.

When I decided to write about the Halloween gathering, I went off of what I remembered from previously watched videos. I remembered distinctly a girl talking and Phil nodding and looking like he was totally faking his attention. I remembered Dan looking around, completely bored. Poor girl, she was trying to have fun and the boys couldn’ keep up. I remembered Dan and Phil huddled together in the crowd looking at their phones and talking, which we all now know is their MO. And I remembered this moment, in one of the posted videos, where these two unknown boys in costumes lean in for a kiss, as a joke.

When I did re-watch the clips, I saw that little bit about the other YouTubers in the hostel, or at least that’s what it looks like, there were bunkbeds. I just could not imagine Dan and Phil running off to sit on a fountain together, kissing, and watching the stars, having this very sweet moment and then re-joining the crowd and heading back to a room full of rowdy boys. Can you imagine them on separate bunks in the same room? On their second date? After all that twitter flirting and Skyping? Torture.

There are a few things I find particularly interesting. One, we have no idea where Dan and Phil stayed after the gathering. All we know is that Martyn tweeted about Phil coming home on no sleep with make up still on. Two, they decided that no other YouTubers eat and went to sit on the fountain to eat alone. Three, Dan guiding Phil onto the bus with his hand was a touch so intimate and we havn’t seen anything like that since.

Think about Dan going to this place, around all of these people he admired, and really wanting to have a good time. Then he sees boys pretending to kiss, making it a joke. Add to that the language that was thrown around in 2009. I imagine that was confusing and painful and frustrating for him. And he was 18, so his prefrontal cortex was not well developed and he probably jumped to some pretty wide generalizations based on small things he saw that night. He was also traumatized and its totally fair that he would feel threatened by that environment, especially when he had originally craved acceptance there.

We’ve never seen them caught on camera being so intimate as they are in those clips where they are boarding the bus. The fact that they kissed and held hands under the stars when so many people were not so far away is also really significant. The Halloween gathering was only the second time they had spent time together in real life and I feel like Dan was still testing the waters. From his expression in the clips I’ve seen, I get the impression that he was more bored than he thought he would be and that neither one of them really related to the people who were there. Which is interesting because Phil was a more experienced YouTuber than probably anyone there and he still was so awkward and uncomfortable looking in the videos. Clearly they just wanted to be together, which makes sense since they were so new but I also think they stole a way to find refuge in each other.

The statement about other YouTubers not eating always gets me right in the heart because it is so telling. It says a lot more then it seems. I think both of them felt on the edges. It was them vs the cool kids. They don’t ever eat, they just stand around looking good, and making quirky comments. Dan, on his own, may have been right there with them, shoe gazing and trying cigarettes and saying things he didn’t mean. Because that would have kept him safe and accepted. But Phil gave him an alternative where he could be himself and still be safe and accepted. He didn’t have to act like a prick and hate himself later. Then, by being so intensely uncool, they actually grew this mystique and mystery around themselves. Which is so funny because they really just wanted to talk about Muse and eat all the sweets. Sadly, all those kids performing assholery were just as scared and sad and wanted to feel cool and safe too. They were preemptively aloof so they didn’t get hurt.

Phil is so brave. I say it all the time but he is, and that was shelter for Dan. And then in return he made Phil want to be even braver. He helped him place value in the pieces of himself that he had discounted. It’s not about ‘saving’ someone, but when you find love, be it romantic or platonic, with the right person, you amplify the best parts of one another.

I think about the vulnerability that Dan was taking into even these big important positive things that were happening in his life. And that feeling of them being a safe space for one another. I can really see a night like that pushing him to make some decisions about staying closeted and particularly about hiding this very special thing he had found. I have to wonder if Dan made some choices on that night about how open he was going to be. It’s really sad actually but also sweet and thank goodness they found eachother.

[madzilla84]

VidCon London 2020

I wrote up some rambly thoughts on Vidcon, my trip, and Phil day!

I arrived in London the night before the others, last Thursday (a week ago?? WOT), so went straight to my friend’s place in London – we went to a pub near his for pizza, and while I was there I saw Dan’s cute tweet. After a few wines, it made me super emotional as you can imagine. I love him. <3

We had some more drinks once we got back, which made the next morning … well.

Friday – Day 1

YUP, HANGOVER. But luckily not a ‘can’t function’ hangover, so once I’d packed up I made my way over to the Airbnb (it was fuckin WIMDY) to leave the luggage (too early to check in). The previous occupants were a group of Lads who’d left the place in a state, so it was still being cleaned. HONESTLY BOYS SMH)

Then I headed to the complex’s on-site café (ooh errr) and spent some time trying to figure out what to write in the card I wanted to give to Phil. My roomies @yikesola, @ahappydnp and @calvinahobbes arrived a little later and we checked into the flat, and basically hung out and chatted until it was time to head to registration. Which was a good decision as the line was super small on Friday night. Gotta say, the feeling of seeing Phil so big and so central on all the banners and posters for the con made me feel so proud of him. As other people have mentioned, there was some – curiosity, I guess? Worry? – about whether it would be weird seeing him there doing his first event like this on his own in a *very* long time, but somehow it wasn’t, at any point.  

We spotted Martyn checking in further down the hall, which was probably the first moment it all started to Feel Real. We (slightly awkwardly at first in my case lol) met a bunch of online folks in the registration area, and tagged along for a cable car ride over the river (did I mention it was WIMDY) to the O2 arena for dinner. When we all sat down to eat I realised I was sitting opposite two friends from IDB! \o/ We headed back after the meal to hang out and PREPARE for what was about to come.

Saturday - Day 2 - PHIL DAY

We started off by going for breakfast – naturally pancakes – and then headed across to the con. The first event of the day was the comedy panel that Phil was on, so we went across to the panel room early and ended up sitting through the panel before that one, ‘Out and Online’, which was probably – Phil notwithstanding – the better of the two I saw.

During that first panel – and really all morning up to that point – I’d started to feel increasingly nervous. I’d never met Dan or Phil before, and the fact it was happening imminently was suddenly hitting me. Not to mention it was very hot in the panel room that day, and – yeah. By the time the LGBT+ panel finished, I was just like the *screaming internally* meme.

The only other time I’d seen D&P in person with my own eyes was at Interactive Introverts – non-VIP, and I was quite far from the stage, so I couldn’t see them well, y’know? So when the panellists walked in for the comedy panel, I turned around and saw Phil properly in person for the first time. And… wow. I’m sure I hardly need to tell anyone on this forum how attractive he is, but I was just blown away by how beautiful he is in person. He just seems to, like, glow. 

And I was absolutely in love with his jacket, which I thought was new at first (it took me a while to place it was the one from the II promo photos). He just looked wonderful, and I went full Heart Eyes Motherfucker as he took his seat with the others. And once I’d actually seen him, somehow I felt less anxious and stressed. 

The panel was okay – I wasn’t familiar with the other attendees and I’m not sure theirs is the sort of content I’d necessarily watch – lots of prank vids and the like, but they def had some fans in the room. But it was obvious the majority of the attendees were there for Phil, and I noticed him looking around the room at all the people there for him throughout, making eye contact with lots of people. I’m sure he made brief eye contact a couple of times, which made me go !!!!! It was obvious the panelists were at quite different stages of their careers, which was a little dissonant sometimes, but also quite sweet – Phil was very encouraging to the younger, more inexperienced members of the panel, which was very lovely. Lucky them to have such a kind senpai.

After that we only had a quick break (mainly to down water after being boiled to death in the panel room) before it was time to get in line for Phil’s meet and greet. The wait for him to arrive was weirdly fast but also interminably long, and I spent most of it panicking about what I was going to say to Actual Phil Lester in a matter of minutes. 

But soon enough he arrived, shook hands with the photographer, did a lil hop to wave to everyone in the crowd who was waving at him, and then off we went.

I wasn’t sure what to expect – I’ve had pics before with celebs at conventions, and every con is different in how they handle photos. Some really rush you through, but this one was pretty good, I thought – you had plenty of time to say whatever you wanted to say, or give gifts – I thought we were supposed to leave them in a box somewhere, but no, we were to give them directly to Phil, who had a little table to put them on. Obviously I wanted to give him a hug, too, but would I be too awkward to ask for one once I actually got up there, I wondered?

But as it turned out I needn’t have worried; I could watch people meeting him from where we were in the line, and from the very first person, he opened his arms for a big hug from everyone who went up to meet him. Watching people running into his arms was making me really emotional – he just has such a great connection with his people. You could tell he was happy to be there and liked meeting us all. He took so many cute photos with people. We noticed he had a Sharpie and was signing things, which we hadn’t been told about beforehand, so I hadn’t brought anything special - ended up getting him to sign my con badge as a souvenir.

There were 3 of us, and @yikesola took one for the team and volunteered to go first. I watched how much fun they were having, how easily they chatted and hugged and posed for their cute photo and thought to myself, please don’t be a total buffoon when you go up there…

Soon enough it was my turn. Walking up for these things is always nervewracking and awkward – except this time, once it was time, Phil turned around, looked at me, smiled and opened his arms and I knew it would be okay.

I walked over and hugged him, and he probably had to bend down quite a lot, lol. I reached up over his shoulder to hug him, which meant being on tiptoes, of course; as many people have said in the past, he didn’t let go until you did. He was so gentle. <3 I maybe hugged him for a little longer than I might usually with someone I didn’t know because of it; he just has such comforting and welcoming vibes. And no, before anyone asks, I didn’t notice what he smelled like – we were talking about it after and I don’t think any of us did. I don’t in general unless someone’s wearing reasonably strong perfume/cologne, I don’t think, unless I’m hugging them for a really long time. ANYWAY.

The now-famous jacket (which looked so good!!) was soft AF. I handed over my lil gift – he spotted the chocolate and was pretty happy about that.

I then had a little time to talk to him but, like, how do you condense into a few seconds what someone means to you, how much they’ve helped you or how much you appreciate them? So I ended up going with one of the main reasons I came to love Phil so much as a creator – someone around my age still making such fun content. I don’t mean it like, ‘wow, at your age!!’ lol, which I’m not sure he would have appreciated, more like – when you get to a certain age, people often expect you to leave certain interests and behaviours aside (we see it all the time with these ‘ew people over 30 in fandom?? Gross’ posts), and Phil is still being himself and doing what he wants and not letting that affect him, and I just think that’s really great and it’s meant a lot to me. So we talked about that a bit. He said you should be able to be creative at any age. <3 Talking to him wasn’t like I expected – I don’t know what I expected, really, but I thought he might have more of a – nervous energy, maybe? Or just a bit more – y’know, ‘AmazingPhil’? But no, he was chill and confident and had this ease about him that was so comforting in person. I know he’s an introvert and probably holed up on the couch for a week after meeting all those people (hard same), but he really is so good at talking to people and making them feel at ease; everyone looked so happy walking away from him.

About halfway through the convo I had to work really hard to keep my brain on track and not just descend into babbling nonsense because he was looking me in the eye and listening attentively and bruh!!! That is … a hell of a thing! Not only is he so beautiful, but he really listens, and cares about what you’re saying, and is actually interested and not just going ‘uh huh, uh huh …’ like other celebs can do. His expression and demeanour was so friendly and open and welcoming, and honestly I just felt like I could talk to him for hours.

We then posed for the official photo they took, and hugged for it – when I’ve had other photo ops in the past where I’m standing close to the person I’ve been prone to nervous giggling, but this time I felt really relaxed and happy.

And that was it! I reluctantly said goodbye and headed off and was so flustered I a) forgot my little card to collect my photo, the guy had to chase after me, though it looked like everyone was doing that because they were on cloud 9, and b) picked up someone else’s sequin Dan bag from the bag pile. (Which I immediately noticed because I had a keychain and pin on mine, but I mean they *are* identical.) We went to get food and download our photos and watch all the videos we took. Even though I now had pics, I still almost couldn’t believe it was actually real.

And, wow. We were just floating for the rest of the day. It was such a wonderful, positive experience and I’m so glad it worked out that I was able to meet Phil. I didn’t think I could love him more but after that day I definitely did. Obviously, because it’s me, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I said to him and how I said it and was it the right thing and did I say it right and lejslkdjkjfkdhks, but at the end of the day he was lovely, I said more or less what I wanted to say (of course there’s more I’d have wanted to say, but there’s never enough time), and it went wonderfully well. So I really shouldn’t worry too much.

We paid a quick visit to the AP shop booth in the Expo Hall – they didn’t have a ton of stuff but they had all the t-shirts (I think it was just all the t-shirts, corgi jumper, corgi keychains, glitch hoodie), so I bought the yellow Try New Things shirt from Sarah. (And got a free pixel Phil sticker; they really want to get rid of those huh)

The only other Phil-event for the day was his appearance at the Night of Awesome that evening, so we went along for that. Apparently the theme of the evening was ‘collaboration’, so most of the performers didn’t appear by themselves aside from a couple of music acts. But it quickly descended into madness – most of the performances were some sort of challenge which involved the loser getting a pie to the face or gunged – i.e. perfect Saturday night entertainment if you’re ten. So maybe it was more aimed at kids, I thought, until one of the music acts started swearing up a STORM and a load of horrified parents started dragging their kids out while I almost died trying not to laugh. There was a lot of TikTok stuff, but the animators challenge was pretty good and a couple of the music acts were great.

You probably read about the guy who crashed the performance to make an offensive anti-trans joke and then got chased out by security … when I figured out who it was later I wasn’t surprised, he’s done stupider shit in the past, but Vidcon didn’t react very well to it right away. Throughout the event I generally thought security and staff were very good, but they really dropped the ball on this. The music act gamely carried on though, as did a number of other acts after them, and *just* as everyone had pretty much lost the will to live, Phil randomly appeared on stage with Kian and JC (…no, me neither) along with a science Youtuber. Yay! I thought his bit was really cute; kind of random but that made sense when he explained the original plan had gone awry shortly before the show started. He was *so* into it and I thought it was so sweet how, again, he kept looking for his people in the crowd. He was so confident on stage and even when the stuff he was being asked to do was so random and weird he just owned it, went for it and made it funny. Thomas Sanders came on after science!Phil to do a very wholesome set which kind of saved the evening, lol.

And that was the end of Phil day! Naturally we had to order Domino’s in the evening after our emotional and intense day (and to recover from whatever tf most of that concert was). I feel like I’ve become some sort of addict, and now the rest of my existence will be sad and grey until I can hug Phil again (which might well be never). I have peaked. I also remembered what I like so much about (good) conventions; being with your people and feeling so free to express yourself and what you love - between the phannies and the fanders there were so many pride flags, and so many people walking around wearing merch. (Also it was the first con I’d ever been to where there were no cosplayers! Which is unsurprising given it’s youtube fandom, but still – new experience.)

Sunday - Day 3

Sunday we slept in after staying up until like 3am chatting (whoops), so I missed jacksepticeye’s panel but I did get to the Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher one, which was really funny. I wish I’d gotten to meet the boys but what can you do. I also went to the Expo Hall and met PJ (who was very nice, and friendly!! But had exactly that nervous energy I was talking about earlier, which I’m more accustomed to when I meet celebs at cons; Phil really is something special), and bought a few enamel pins, because ENAMEL PINS.

And then … the worst bit of any con, people started to leave. :( My 3 roomies left first, which was the worst bit of the weekend. I ended up tagging along with some twitter friends to get coffee, and we ended up sitting around for like 3 hours outside the cloakroom because no one wanted to leave.

We found out about Dan’s half marathon during this time, and I know people have this view of phannies like we’re all obsessive, invasive weirdos who just want to find out things for – I dunno, clout? But honestly everyone there was so proud of him and just like the whole weekend, it was great to be with people who understood. Like, I can hardly tell a co-worker that a youtuber I follow ran a marathon, they’d be like - okay, and…? So it was nice to sit there and sort of – celebrate it, in our own lil way.

We all parted ways on the train - I went back to my friend’s and watched Phil’s liveshow there, which was really a perfect way to end the weekend. I’m glad it sounded like he had such a nice time at Vidcon. Someone tweeted about him seeing all the people who had come to see just him and how excited they were to see him, and that warmed my heart. And hopefully his too.

The next day I returned to the Excel to have pizza lunch with the last two friends who were still in town, which really helped with the post-con blues, and then it really was it. Since then I’ve been hanging out at my friend’s flat and taking a couple of trips out to various shops or whatever, but I’ve mostly been tired and lazy and catching up on sleep a bit.

As I mentioned, I’m now a filthy addict. I will be … keeping an eye on future vidcons/events, for sure. >_> And I might be back in London in April, maybe. >_> many thoughts head full

[septic84]

Your soul knew it belonged to me, Chapter two: The “Thing”

Dan, are you still sleeping?" Softly smiling, Dan stretched as he woke up. "I'm not sleeping now." Phil walked in and sat on the edge of his bed, "are you ill?" "No, just didn't sleep well." Looking at Dan’s face was enough to tell Phil that already, "how was your trip?" "Fun, good. I missed," Phil paused, "London, though," Dan smirked. "I missed you too, you Dingus."

A03

"Do you want to go get dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking, and it seems as if you probably don't either." "Okay." "I’ll let you sleep." Phil hopped up off of the bed. "Welcome home, Phil," Dan said as he laid back down and rolled to his side, falling asleep. Phil now knew why Dan was still in bed. The dark circles under his eyes were a telltale sign of what Dan had gotten up to when Phil was away. Lately, they seemed to be a reoccurring part of Dan's face. Frowning, Phil wished he could change that, even if he didn't know what to do. He had missed Dan a lot when he was gone but telling him about his trip would have to wait; for now, he would have to entertain himself.  After Phil got his things sorted from his trip and relaxed, he lost track of time. Hours had passed, Phil peeked his head into Dan's room quietly; he was in a deep sleep, slightly drooling, and looked peaceful. Phil felt a weight lift off of his shoulders; walking over to Dan, he pulled the duvet back over him. He smiled as he brushed Dan's hair to one side, softly cupping his cheek. When Dan was deeply asleep, his face showed no signs of worry or distress; it was perfect. Phil decided that they wouldn't be going out, so he left to get groceries. Dan looked in no condition to leave the house, at least not today.  He would be cooking after all, but Phil actually didn't mind. He was okay taking care of Dan.

When he put away all of the groceries, Dan still hadn't gotten up. Phil wondered if the man had slept at all when he was gone. He was concerned and curious as to what could have been bothering him so much. Had he been in a lousy place for days? Was Dan having another one of his famous "existential crisis" weeks? Was he face down in a hallway the whole time Phil was enjoying himself? Phil instantly felt guilty, had he left Dan at a time that he shouldn't have? He thought back to the days before he had left and remembered sad piano playing and crying. Was that the start of it? Phil's heart clenched with the hindsight that he had left Dan when he was in that state. As Phil sat on the sofa and booted up his laptop, he sighed again. The damage was done, now he would have to wait for Dan to wake up. Maybe then he could get to the bottom of this. It was shortly after 7:00 pm when Dan finally started to stir. He saw the time. "Fuck," he said out loud. He got up to find Phil with headphones on, eyes glued to his screen. "Phil, why didn't you wake me up?" He said yawning Phil removed his headphones, smiling. "Dan, you haven't been sleeping. Sleep was more important." "We could still go to a late dinner if you want,” "No, No. It's okay. I bought food; I can start cooking at any time." Dan sat next to Phil, looking at him carefully. "Okay." Phil smiled, "Really, Dan, it's okay. Should I start cooking now?" "I'll help. Let me shower." "You shower, I'll cook. I really don't mind. Then I can tell you about my trip." Dan was disorientated by the massive amounts of sleep he had gotten as well as frustrated with himself. He wanted to hide his exhaustion from Phil, but when he went back to sleep, he never thought it would be for the rest of the day. He hoped Phil wasn't disappointed that they were not going out. Dan groaned; how could he tell Phil that the reason he wasn't sleeping was that he was alone?  Or that the reason it looked like none of the rooms were lived in when he was gone was because they were not. Dan shouldn't have been surprised that when Phil was finally home, he was finally able to sleep for several hours. As he finished showering, he was becoming more and more uneasy about the dreaded questions that he knew were coming from his flatmate. It really shouldn't be this big of a deal, but Dan feared soon enough he would let the real reason why he had been acting so differently slip out. Phil started to prepare dinner; it was simple spaghetti and cheese bread. He pulled out a bottle of wine, pouring two glasses. Taking a sizeable satisfying drink, suddenly, Phil's mind drifted to Dan in the shower. As the fantasy started to fill his mind with images, he suddenly shook his head, blushing at himself. Dan was his best friend; he knew he had to get over the attraction he felt towards him. More than once, Dan had said he was not gay, but some of the signals he sent off confused Phil, and he didn't know what they meant. Even if Dan were attracted to men, Phil doubted he would be attracted to him. Dan came into the Kitchen, "It smells nice in here. What can I do to help?" Phil handed the other glass of wine to Dan. "Just get dishes out, everything is almost ready. Nothing too complex." Dan nodded, taking a sip, "Oh Swaggy, wine night, is it?" He laughed as he set down the glass and started to gather dishes. "I made Italian; usually, there's wine, right?" He took another loud sip, "besides, it's sweet and tasty." Phil licked his lips for emphasis; Dan sharply sucked in his breath, then quickly looked away. After the dishes were on the table, Dan leaned against the counter, sipping his wine. He loved to watch Phil; the way he moved around with ease, the melody he was humming off-key, and the smile that was plastered to his face. He was enjoying readying the meal, occasionally taking sips of his wine as it stained his lips and brought a flush to his cheeks. Dan smiled; this was so domestic it was almost sickening. Then as Phil bit his lip in concentration, Dan's thoughts took a less innocent turn.  He focused on Phil's lips, slightly swollen, tinged red, inviting. He wondered what it would be like to taste the wine off of Phil's lips while caressing his cheek. Phil was so, "What?" Phil asked, catching him staring. Dan blushed, spinning the wine in his glass. "Just worried you're going to fall, moving so quickly. You have had wine, you know." "We both know I don't need wine to trip over, Dan," Phil smirked as he brought the food to the table. As they ate, Phil told Dan about the trip, both of them splitting the bottle of wine between them. Phil's stories always were detailed and elaborate; Dan smiled. He loved listening to Phil talk. When Phil had finished, and they were both through eating, a comfortable lull in the conversation came. It was so easy to exist with Phil, so natural. This was home. Dan stood up to take the dishes to the sink. "Dan?" "Yeah?" "Are you okay? Why weren't you sleeping?" And there it was, he knew Phil would ask. "I don't know, really," he lied, "just couldn't." "Maybe you need a doctor?" "No, I'm sure it's fine." Phil started to help Dan clean up, dropping the topic for the time being. Dan was putting away a dish when Phil leaned over him, slightly pushing him into the wall accidentally. Phil froze, Dan's skin was warm and inviting; the smell of Dan and sweet wine flooded his senses. Phil's breath hitched in his throat as they looked at each other, Dan's eyes shone with slight fear, and the air was thick with excitement. The tension of the circumstance could be felt in between the quick breaths that Phil was taking. He shifted slightly, still looking at Dan intently. Phil didn't move, letting his senses take in Dan. He was warm, he was so close, and Phil knew he wouldn't have to move much to meet his lips. Dan was the first to speak. "Ah, Phil?" Phil visibly swallowed, "Does this make you uncomfortable?" Though the corners of his mouth were upturned, his voice husky and dominate. "Ah, yeah, you weirdo," Dan's face was red, but he had humor in is tone. Phil didn't move; he just stared. "Phil, what are you doing?" Phil panicked slightly. What was he doing? "Dan, why couldn't you sleep?" His voice was deep; his eyes never left Dan's. "Tell me." He said, leaning a little harder into him. Dan shifted into the touch for a moment and then cleared his throat. "I just couldn't, Phil. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get away from this wall, you spork." Dan laughed nervously, slightly pushing on Phil's shoulder. Phil blinked, confusion crossing his face; he slowly backed his way out of the Kitchen. "Ah. I'm sorry." Phil mumbled shyly. "I was going too," Phil looked at the floor. "I, I gotta go." Dan nodded at him as Phil stumbled over the arm of the sofa, practically running to his bedroom. "The hell was that?" Dan asked the empty Kitchen. He ran his hands through his hair as butterflies swarmed in his stomach, and his mind raced. Phil was acting strangely, was there something that he wasn't telling Dan? Dan finished cleaning, more confused than he had been in the days leading up to Phil's homecoming.  Phil was leaning into him, staring at him, maybe even gazing into his eyes.  Was it the wine? They had had enough to feel pleasantly warm, but Dan didn't believe either one of them had been intoxicated, though they did finish off a bottle.  Dan finished cleaning up and sat at the table alone. Finishing the last of the wine, he got lost in his thoughts. Phil paced in his room, "What was I thinking?" He had no idea what had come over him; what had caused an accidental touch to turn into pushing Dan into the wall? Was he drunk? He didn't feel drunk. What he felt was embarrassed and scared. He wondered what Dan thought, mainly after he had run away. Phil sat on the edge of his bed, his face in his hands, bewildered. He was supposed to do a live show after his trip; he regretted promising that. For some reason, he tweeted he would do so, but now he just wanted to hide. He should have just waited until Thursday as per usual. It took 20 minutes to compose himself, but soon he was answering questions and smiling again. A knock came to his door, and he paled. "And here's Dan!" he choked out, his voice high and squeaky. "What was that, Phil?" Dan asked, laughing, "Going through puberty, are you? Or are you getting laryngitis again?" It was a surprise to the viewers that Dan was on the live stream; they hadn't really been doing them together lately. It wasn't planned that Dan was to be in this live show, he hadn't asked to be, but Phil was relieved. To Phil, this meant that Dan wasn't that upset over what had happened in the Kitchen. "Ugh, I hope not!" Phil sat awkwardly beside Dan, trying his hardest not to give away that there was tension between them.  When the audience started to notice and comment, he did not acknowledge it. Dan pretty much overtook the broadcast. Phil was thankful, he wasn't able to communicate appropriately anyhow. When the live show ended, an awkward silence filled the room. After what seemed like ages, Dan spoke. "You alright?" Phil only nodded, "so," Dan turned towards him. "What was that all about?" Phil sighed. "Which part?" "Well, the live show was a disaster; you shouldn't promise them after a trip. But what I was referring to is what happened in the Kitchen." Dan cocked his eyebrow. "I just want you to tell me why you couldn't sleep. I am worried about you; I am always worried about you," he blurted out. Dan smiled. "I am okay, Phil. You don't need to worry about me." "Yes, I do, someone does. Especially if you aren't sleeping properly." Phil said with no humor in his voice. "So, you push me into a wall?" Phil sighed. "Can we please just not talk about this?" He stood up and placed his laptop on the desk. "So we just pretend it didn't happen, then? Is that it?" "Please, Dan. Can we just let it go? I'm sorry." "Just be open with me, Phil, that's all I am asking." Phil rolled his eyes in frustration. "It isn't like you are honest with me, Dan." Dan paled as he stood, ready to leave the room. "Fine, Phil. Never mind." Dan's face started to feel hot, the paleness now changing into shades of pink. "Since when do we keep secrets?" Phil asked, clearly hurt. "Since when do you take blond bimbos out to bars, get wasted, and post kissing pictures on the internet, Phil?" Dan was now angry, furious. "Relax Dan, don't yell at him," he thought to himself. Phil cocked his head, shocked. Hadn't Dan let that go yet? Why? Phil was under the impression that it was fine. He thought Dan was jealous that Cindy had chosen Phil, but now he wasn't so sure. Kissing pictures? Phil stepped towards Dan. "What are you on about, Dan?" "Ask Tumblr." He said bitterly, looking at his feet. "There's a picture of me kissing someone on Tumblr? Does this have to do with Cindy?" Dan said nothing, but his brow creased, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Phil took a deep breath, turning, so their eyes met. "I didn't know you were still so upset about Cindy, Dan." Dan shrugged. "Are you jealous?" Dan stayed quiet as Phil walked towards him; his entire demeanor had changed. Dan was subconsciously backing up as Phil came closer. "I think you are." Dan exhaled loudly and kept backing up until he was against the wall "Bloody hell, Phil. What do you know!" Dan intended the words to come out forceful and angry, but instead, they were soft and sad. Dan stood still as Phil closed the gap between them, placing a hand on the wall next to each side of his head. Dan looked at both of Phil's hands next to him, turning his head as he did. His heart was racing as he returned his eyes to Phil's. There was something playful in them that made Dan shutter. Phil noticed and grinned "Dan, who were you jealous of?" Dan looked away. Phil grabbed his chin and pulled his head back towards him, causing Dan to gasp. "Me? Or Cindy?" His voice was deep like it was in the Kitchen; his eyes were wild and held a cocky glint. Dan was avoiding eye contact; he was mortified. "You're blushing!" Phil said, surprised. "Who, Dan?" "Phil. Stop. Just fuck off, okay?" Dan muttered. "Who?" Dan closed his eyes and tilted his head up to try to create some space between them. He did not want to confess his feelings for Phil, not like this. Phil would have none of it, though, tilting Dan's head back down into the small space between them. Dan opened his eyes but refused to meet Phil's. "Who, Dan?" Phil's body was now pressed against Dan's; their knees were slightly touching. Dan couldn't take it. He swept his eyes to meet Phil's, a fiery passion and desire within a pool of brown. Phil gasped. "HER, alright? Fuck." Dan said, never taking his eyes off of him. "I didn't want her to touch you. Ever. Not at the meetings, not at a bar. Ever." Dan's eyes smoldered, his shoulders moving up and down as his breathing increased. "You were jealous of her touching me?" "Yes." Dan shifted harder into Phil's knees, subconsciously; his breathing became heavier. Phil looked at his eyes and then his lips. “Why couldn't you sleep, Dan?" Dan was almost panting, through clenched teeth, he said, "Phil for fuck sake, please," "Why?" He demanded. "Because you weren't here," more quietly, he added, "are you happy now? You win, Phil, get off me." He was embarrassed; tears could be heard in his voice. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Phil knew he should stop and move away from Dan, but he didn't. "Because you were scared to be in the flat alone?" Phil questioned; his voice was low. "No. You weren't here." Dan was admitting a weakness now; he looked so vulnerable. "What does that mean, Dan?" "Phil," Dan closed his eyes. He knew at this point Phil was toying with him. "Stop. Please." He begged. "You need me around to sleep?" "Yes, you idiot." He said, his voice was tentative. Phil sighed, and with a voice hardly above a whisper, he said, "Oh." Dan cocked his eyebrow; he had regained some of his courage. "Do you remember crawling into MY bed after your date?" "It wasn't a date, Dan. Just drinks with a friend." "Stop avoiding the question, Phil. Why were you pressed up against me in MY bed? What happened on the date that made you cry?" "It wasn't a date, Dan." Phil scowled. "You. Kissed. Her." He said, anger flashing in his eyes; Dan shifted, trying to initiate space between them. Phil frowned. "Well, I didn't mean too." He said, honestly. "Yeah, well." Dan trailed off; he was mad. "Would you rather I kissed you, Dan?" Phil asked, his voice low, shocking himself. Where was this bravery coming from? "What?" Dan feigned incredulousness at the question, but he was still shocked that Phil was saying these things. Out loud. To him. "Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about." "Phil, I think I should go," Every alarm in Dan's head was screaming, he needed to escape, now. "Not before you answer the bleeding question." Phil licked his lips, pressing Dan more firmly against the wall. He started to move his face slowly closer, trying to close the distance between them. "Fuck you," Dan grunted, slightly struggling. "Get the hell away from me," Phil smirked. "For once, I have the upper hand in our friendship, huh Dan?" "I don't know who YOU even are right now. You are not my friend. He would never do this to me." There were tears in Dan's eyes as he brought his arms up and pushed Phil roughly. Phil stumbled back, and Dan darted for the door. "Dan, Wait." He called after him, panicking. Dan ignored him. Oh, God, what had he done? He had gone too far.

[benevolent-dictator]

Late Night Thoughts on Dan and Phil: Fond Memories and Little More

     Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to include what I believe to be a critical preamble if one is to understand the bulk of this essay (and please understand, I use the term “essay” very loosely here. As you’ll quickly come to realize, it is more a haphazard collection of thoughts strung together in a more of less cohesive format). It’s important I lay out explicitly what this post is as opposed to what it is not: namely, the intent of this post is to act as a sort of analytical essay delineating my thoughts and opinions on the famous Youtubers Dan Howell’s and Amazingphil’s entertainment value rather than the merit of their characters themselves (and how I believe - for me personally - their entertainment value to have stagnated). 

     I feel this important to clarify because typically, when reading online analyses of internet personalities, critiques tend to fall into one of two camps: 1) value judgments placed upon a creator’s work/entertainment, or 2) value judgments placed upon a creator’s moral character. The perfect example of these two camps in action can be found in Lilly Singh and Jake Paul. Regardless of your own personal feelings surrounding the two online creators, I believe it fair to say the vast majority of criticism allotted to them illustrate the two camps rather nicely. For example, a not insignificant amount of people tend to dislike Lilly Singh for her lackluster entertainment value, i.e. the content she uploads to YouTube/broadcasts on her late night show. Although there does exist some backlash towards her standing as a moral actor (or lack thereof), when you enter her name into Youtube’s search feature, six out of the first ten recommended videos are all criticisms directed at how “unfunny” she is. Jake Paul, on the other hand, demonstrates the other school of thought: criticizing moral standing over entertainment value. Again, regardless of your personal views on Jake Paul’s character, it is undeniable that the vast majority of the backlash he receives centers around the immorality of his actions rather than how, “mundane” or “lackluster” his content. Therefore, I want to clarify that I am in no way attempting to use this post to discredit either Dan or Phil’s character. Instead, I wish to share my thoughts on their entertainment value as creators, and how - for me - I no longer find myself enchanted with their content. 

     Additionally, throughout the course of this post you’ll find that I often refer to Dan and Phil as a collective. I understand how this remains a point of contention throughout the fandom, for it remains a sad truth that oftentimes Phil (despite being his own autonomous individual/entertainer) gets lumped in with Dan who - in terms of subscriber count and sheer volume of fans - remains the more successful of the two. It is not my intent to relegate Phil to Dan’s shadow - rather, I find that many of the critiques I have for one cross-apply to the other, hence my frequent use of “Dan and Phil” instead of just Dan or just Phil.   

      Lastly, I would like to get ahead of the curve (should it ever arise) and placate the masses now while I have the opportunity. It is not my intent - and nor has it ever been my intent with any online criticisms - to disparage not only the creator, but their fans. I understand that there is still a thriving community of fans centered around the entertainment Dan and Phil put forth, and it is not my goal to shame anyone for their likes and preferences, or even to try to change your minds. This is not meant to be a persuasive essay: simply an analytical one (granted, one primarily propped up by my own biased opinions over statistical data, but I hope you are able to take the sum total of my assessments with a grain of salt and understand that just as you are welcome and encouraged to share your thoughts on the matter, I wish to be afforded that same generosity).  

     Now with that very important preamble out of the way (which, if you decided to skim, I would highly encourage you to go back and read it in full, for I believe it to have some rather crucial groundwork laid out) we can delve into the heart of the matter. In order to do so, I think it important to establish my background on this subject matter. Dan Howell was the first Youtuber I ever watched. I was still extremely new to YouTube as a platform at the time, and I remember scrolling through my homepage until I stumbled across a video titled, “Human Interaction.” From there, I was hooked. There really isn’t much to say from there; I immediately fell over myself watching video after video of his and, in the process, quickly discovered his flatmate Phil’s channel (or as we know him, Amazingphil). From the years 2013 to about late 2017 they were my all-time favorite Youtubers. As the years wore on I only subscribed to about ten other Youtubers because I felt so strongly that no other creator could capture the magic of what Dan and Phil uploaded. I watched all their videos, bought their merch, and, when the opportunity arose, even went to the Amazing Tour is Not on Fire. I still remember that night (seeing Dan and Phil burst on stage out of a giant prop microwave) as one of the happiest live-performance experiences of my life. My apathy towards both did not spring forth born out out of some heinous act either committed. Rather, it was a steady, almost innocuous decline. I feel as though I simply grew out of them. And here is where my first, and pretty much only real critique comes to light; both Dan and Phil’s content have remained stagnate. 

     Please do not misunderstand: I realize that Youtubers are real people, and to demand growth and change out of people who have arguably settled into who they want to be as adults would be rather unfair. Dan and Phil are not characters on a tv show - I don’t get to shake my fist at my laptop screen and gripe about “poor character arcs” or “slow seasons.” Dan and Phil are flesh and blood - they are not playing characters in a fictional universe. Sure, arguably all Youtubers (and any online persona) “put on a face” for the camera, but there’s a world of difference between, “forcing myself to be extra chipper for the next hour,” and acting out a character in a Hollywood writer’s script. On the one hand, there is a part of me that is happy Dan and Phil (after so many years of struggling with their identities) finally found happiness in themselves. However, if you’ll remember back to what I said in the preamble, that is not the point of this essay. 

     My apathy towards Dan and Phil lies not with their moral characters, but with their entertainment value, and for me personally, I find it hard to be entertained by what I find to be the same old content I was laughing at in 2013 repackaged into new scenarios and re-uploaded in 2020. Dan and Phil’s prize content was their ability to be so relatable. For Dan especially, I loved hearing him talk about how awkward he was around other people because that’s how I felt around the people in my own life. However, that did not last. I eventually grew out of my awkwardness and found a multitude of friends that I was able to be myself around, and in turn take that confidence I felt around them and project it onto others that came into my life, regardless of how well I knew them. Dan, as well as Phil, had lost the one thing that drew me to them in the first place: their ability to be relatable. Even so, during the latter half of the years during which I continued to watch their videos, there was something else that kept me around: their humor. I thought they were wonderfully funny, and even during my darkest hours I knew I could count on them to brighten my day. Yet, as the years I went by, I noticed that the subject matter of their humor remained pretty much the same as well. Most of their punchlines centered around the same handful of premises (for example, Dan joking about how black his soul is), and like I stated earlier, I had begun to grow tired of the stagnation. 

     One last time, I would like to recognize that what one person might call “stagnation” another would call “finding a niche,” and I respect that. Many people would argue that Dan and Phil simply stumbled across a specific niche years ago and have been fulfilling that hole glamorously nearly a decade later, and to that I say that’s wonderful! I think that’s a perfectly valid viewpoint to take! It just so happens that I do not share that same perspective.

     One of the many indicators in which I feel you can physically see how unchanged their videos have become is in Phil’s (it’s hard to judge Dan’s progression since his last video was uploaded about a year ago as of this post’s uploading). As of mid-2020, Phil’s editing has remained largely unchanged. He still uses the same sound effects, the same visual cues, the same editing tools, and after nearly a decade of watching, I’ve just begun to find it all stale. Even his video concepts remain largely unchanged. I understand that if he’s uploading much of the same content over years that must mean he’s making the content he wants to make, and I am happy he’s reached that point, but it is not the content for me. 

     All in all, this was a terribly long post that I had considered writing for a while now, and regardless if anyone even reads it, I figure, “Hey - I’ve written it, it’s off my chest, and now I can finally rest in peace.” I no longer find Dan and Phil relatable for the person I have grown into. I in no way regret all the years I spent loving their content and laughing at their antics. But when you look at Dan’s Tweets from around 2014 to now and see that his jokes have remained fairly unvaried, as have Phil’s, I no longer feel a connection to the two as I once had. Lastly, I do want to say that these opinions of mine are not solidified. Yes, this is how I feel now, and it is how I’ve felt for quite some time, but please do not mistake my current stance for me digging my heels in the sand to declare, “No! I have sworn off Dan and Phil and I shall never partake in their content again!” No, of course not! I’m always open to change, and if Dan and Phil suddenly take an enjoyable creative turn, I’d be happy to take a look. And what’s more, I’m a sucker for nostalgia, so I can definitely see myself popping on YouTube to watch an old Dan video or two, or an old Phil video or two, or a gaming channel video or two, or whatever! They will always leave me with fond memories - memories I will take with me for years to come.

[phantasticworks]

Kickstart My Heart

Hi! I’m back with another little drabble! Credit to fi who tweeted something about parent rights and then directed me to a tweet about a child kicking the back of Phil's seat and him just being sympathetic on the parent's behalf. this kind of spiraled out of my control (sorry lmao) but i really enjoyed finally doing some Parent!Phan so i hope you enjoy reading it! 

read on ao3

Words: 4.8k

Description: Phil is having the worst flight of his life. Until he’s not. 

Warnings: I actually don’t think there are any! let me know if i need to tag anything as a warning!

Kick.

Phil flinches.

Kick, kick.

He glances to his neighbor, a woman in her mid-fifties if he had to guess. She’s fast asleep, her book still open on her lap. Evidently the football game isn’t happening behind her seat.

Kick-kick kick-kick.

Whoever it is certainly has some sort of rhythm, Phil thinks to himself. It’s a silly thought, probably, but he’s trying to give the person a chance to prove themselves as someone who isn’t rude enough to consistently kick the back of the seat of a stranger sat in the seat in front of them.

The kicking halts, and Phil breathes a sigh of relief. He hears quiet voices behind him, and he’s assuming that the culprit has been apprehended. He settles back in his seat, looking down at his iPad where he was previously watching a pre-downloaded episode of Free! before the kicking began.

Assuming he’s safe to resume, he unpauses his show, turning the volume down a tad so as not to wake the sleeping woman next to him. He’s barely fifteen seconds in when there’s a pressure on the back of his seat.

He sighs, closes his eyes, and counts to ten.

As calmly as possible, he pauses his show and slides his headphones off entirely, turning to the aisle to peek behind his seat.

A small child of about five is sat there, his big brown eyes meeting Phil’s in what looks like surprise. At the sight of such a small human, Phil pauses.

“Hello,” the little boy speaks, catching Phil off guard.

“Hi,” he replies, smiling.

Suddenly, a third voice enters the conversation.

“Oliver, leave this nice man alone.” Phil’s eyes flicker over to the man beside the child, his eyes meet a pair identical to the ones the little boy possesses. “I am so, so sorry,” the man says, his eyes panicked. “This is his first plane ride and I swear he’s not usually like this, we’ll leave you alone now, right-“

Phil laughs quietly, interrupting his ramble. A little patch of pink appears right above the man’s jaw, and Phil studies it, deciding it’s rather endearing. “It’s fine, really. You’re not bothering me,” he says, the last part directed at the little boy, who smiles at him shyly.

“Still, I’m sorry. I told him to quit kicking the seat, and I think the last one was just to spite me.” The man sends the little boy a look, one that very clearly says “we will talk about this later.”

“Ah,” Phil says, glancing at the little boy. He tuts at him, and the child hides a grin. “Naughty, naughty, aren’t we?”

The little boy, Oliver, shakes his head. “No!” He protests. “’m just bored! Daddy didn’t bring any games for me to play.” He sends a death glare to the man who is apparently his father, but he seems entirely unphased by this.

“I-“ Before the man can really protest any further, Phil speaks up.

“I have some games on my iPad if you’d like to play them.” He glances at the man to gauge his reaction, which is a stunned, sort of hesitant look.

“Really?” The little boy asks, his whole face lighting up.

Phil shrugs. “Sure, if your dad doesn’t mind.” He shares a look with the brunette.

“Erm, that’s really quite kind of you to offer, but we can’t-“

“Nonsense,” Phil says, waving him off. He unconnects his headphones from the jack and clears his apps before going to a section with mostly kids games he keeps for when he’s around his friend’s kids. “Go wild, kiddo,” he says with a smile, handing the iPad over to the little boy.

Oliver’s eyes are big and round as he takes the device, perusing the selection of games with childlike glee. His father stares at him for a moment before snapping his head up to stare at Phil. He opens his mouth, slowly shaking his head like he’s about to insist he takes it back, but Phil isn’t having that. With a wink and a smile, he turns back around in his seat, listening to the sounds of the little boy playing a game behind him.

~~~

It’s probably twenty minutes later when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He startles, as it comes from his right, where he’s positive his seatmate in the middle is still asleep. The person at the window appears to be conked out as well, so he stares in puzzlement, trying to figure out who, or what, tapped him.

A hand comes up between the seats then, and Phil nearly screams in surprise. He just barely manages to turn it into a surprised gasp, and even then, his neighbor shifts a little, as if she’s privy to his near panic-attack.

“Sorry,” a quiet voice comes from behind his row of seats. Phil shifts a little, turning to peer through the area where there’s a space between the seats at the top. The brunette man is smiling sheepishly at him. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“You didn’t,” Phil lies automatically.

The man smirks. “Right.” They stare at each other for a minute, and Phil’s cataloguing everything about him, from his deep brown eyes, to the concave of a dimple near his mouth, to the way that two strands of his hair are just a bit too short to sweep up into the curly mess waving over his forehead. “I’m Dan,” he says, interrupting Phil’s current attempt at drawing a mental map of the constellation of freckles on his cheek.

“Oh. Phil,” he replies with an awkward smile.

Dan smirks, as if he knows that Phil was just thinking about how cute his little button nose is. “I wanted to say thank you, for being nice to Olly.” His eyes move over to the little boy next to him, staying trained there for several seconds before his gaze flits back to Phil’s. “I really appreciate it.”

Phil waves him off. “It’s not a problem, I promise. I can’t imagine how tough it is being a parent with a small child, especially on a plane. But you’re doing a great job.” He smiles warmly, letting the sincerity seep into his words. He really does mean it, too. Until the kicking had started, Phil hadn’t even realized there was a child so close to him on this flight. This was worlds away from the last flight he took, when all he was aware of was a screaming toddler two rows ahead of him.

There’s a soft smile on Dan’s lips, and the pink patch has made a reappearance. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

“Daddy, can you help me?” Oliver’s voice punctuates the conversation, and Dan offers Phil an apologetic smile before turning to tend to his son.

Phil has just turned back around, trying to hide his own grin as he hears Dan struggle with understanding the mechanics of whatever game his son has chosen. After a few moments, Dan’s voice drops to a near whisper, and Phil strains to hear what he’s saying. He’s listening so intently, with his head tilted back, that the feeling of a little hand tugging at his shirt makes him yelp.

The lady beside him fully wakes up then, giving him a dirty look before shifting around in her seat, snapping her book shut like she has something to prove.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil says quietly to her. He feels the tug again and turns around to come face to face with the child who was previously sat behind him. “Hey, buddy,” Phil greets him with a smile.

Oliver smiles a little shyly before handing Phil the iPad. “Daddy said to give this back to you because he didn’t know how to play the game.”

“Oh, that’s-“

“Olly!” Dan hisses from the row behind him, his voice pitched high in what sounds like embarrassment.

The child grins cheekily up at Phil, who laughs. “Here, why don’t I try to help you out, okay?”

Oliver’s eyes light up and he nods excitedly. Before Phil has the chance to ask what game he was playing, the child is crawling up into his lap, pulling the iPad in Phil’s hand to his own lap before patiently waiting for him to unlock it.

“Oh,” Phil says dumbly. There is a child in his lap. He’s not sure why, but that’s definitely a thing that is happening. “Well, okay.”

He unlocks the iPad and lets Oliver pick the game he needs help on. Phil’s just walking him through what he needs to do to get to the next level when they hear a throat being cleared. It’s probably comical to an onlooker how both of their heads snap up in surprise at the same time. In Phil’s surprise he nearly drops the iPad but has the sense to hold Oliver to his chest, so he doesn’t slip off his lap.

Dan watches this with something between disapproval and endearment in his eyes. “Oliver, I told you to give it back. Not bother him with it.”

Oliver pouts up at his father. “Daddy, he said he’d help me!”

“I don’t mind, Dan, really.” Phil says with a smile.

Dan studies them for a moment, his arms crossed. Phil takes this chance to take in how tall he is, and how he’s having to bend over a little in order to stand up in the cabin. Phil hates that noticing his height makes him even hotter.

With a sigh of what might be defeat, Dan uncrosses his arms. “Fine. But…” He hesitates then, looking at Phil with what might be embarrassment. “I’d feel a little more comfortable if you maybe moved back to our row? There’s an empty seat, and I’d just prefer to be able to see him.” He looks almost apologetic, but Phil completely understands, and he can feel his own face flood with heat when he realizes how creepy he probably looks, allowing a stranger’s kid to sit in his lap to play games on his iPad.

“Yeah, of course. Let me just grab my stuff,” Phil says quickly, before Dan changes his mind. Because Oliver really is a sweet kid and Phil loves kids. He’s trying to convince himself that his eagerness to sit with them has nothing to do with wanting to look at Dan some more.

“Okay,” Dan smiles, the dimple making a reappearance. “Olly, hop up, Phil will come sit with us, okay?”

The child nods and clambers off Phil’s lap to stand next to his seat, waiting patiently. Phil allows him to carry the iPad, much to the little boy’s glee.

Dan’s already moved back to their row, where he’s shifted over to take the window seat. The shutter is drawn, Phil notices absently. Oliver sits down in the middle seat before turning to look at Phil with wide, expectant eyes. “Sit, sit!” He cheers, tugging on Phil’s sleeve.

“Olly,” Dan says, his voice a warning.

Phil laughs good-naturedly before settling into the seat beside the child. “He’s fine, I promise.” He tilts his head to look at the iPad in Oliver’s lap. “Alrighty, buddy, where were we?”

An hour passes, in which Phil struggles through simplifying explanations to the child, before eventually Oliver hands him the tablet and sits up so he can watch what Phil does over his arm. Eventually Oliver decides to move the seat rest, scooting over so that he’s pressed tight against Phil’s thigh. Phil glances up at Dan in alarm, unsure how to handle it, especially with Dan right there watching.

Dan shrugs, and he appears to be biting back a smile. “He has no personal space,” He explains with a fond roll of his eyes.

“Oh,” Phil says dumbly.

“Phil, look! I did it!” Oliver tilts his head back to grin up at Phil, a toothy smile that shows off his missing left front tooth.

“Way to go, buddy! Click on the green arrow and we can try the next level.”

Oliver nods, scrunching his eyebrows together as he sets to work on trying to figure out the second level. Phil stares down at him, a little burst of something like fondness blooming in his chest when he sees the way a dimple carves into his cheek when he presses his lips together. He giggles to himself, glancing up at Dan, who is tapping away on his phone.

“Dan?” Phil says quietly.

The man turns his head immediately, smiling. “Hm?”

Phil nods to his son. “Make that face?” He requests, holding back a laugh as Dan tilts his head, surveys his son’s expression, and then copies it.

When Phil bursts into laughter, Dan frowns. “What?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Hold on,” Phil gasps, pulling out his phone and looking for the bread meme. He finds it pretty quickly before tilting the phone for Dan to see. “This is what you looked like.”

Dan looks like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or be insulted, but after sneaking a couple glances at Phil, he smiles. “Alright, alright. No need to bully me, Phil.”

Phil holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t! You just had a derpy face.”

Oliver, who’s apparently heard this whole conversation, looks up. “What about me? Do I have a derpy face?” He bats his puppy dog eyelashes, and Phil snorts.

“You look just like your dad,” Phil says, trying not to insult the child. He doesn’t even mean it as an insult, anyway. Dan is cute, and so was the face he’d copied from Oliver. It just so happened to be meme worthy, is all.

The child glances up at Dan, who scrunches his nose at him with a smile. Oliver copies the look and Phil is certain is heart is melting. “I don’t see it,” Oliver announces, turning to Phil with a triumphant look.

Phil smiles, ruffling his hair playfully. “Don’t worry, you’re cute, it was a compliment, bubby.”

Oliver nods, then side eyes his dad. Phil barely knows them, but he can feel like he’s about to say something cheeky.

Sure enough, he smirks up at Phil, looking so much like Dan that it’s almost scary. “So, does that mean Daddy is cute?” He looks pleased with himself as soon as he said it.

Dan, however, flushes. “Oliver!”

Phil doesn’t even flinch, staring down at Oliver with a casually vague expression. “Yep, sure does.”

The child at least has the decency to look abashed, but it only lasts a second. “Daddy broke up with my mommy because he doesn’t like girls.”

“Oliver James,” Dan hisses. This time he sounds less amused.

Both Phil and Oliver glance over at him, and Phil cringes when he sees the fury boiling behind his eyes. “Dan-“

“What?” Oliver groans. “He said you’re cute!”

Dan looks on the verge of arguing, so Phil decides to intervene. “You know, Oliver, I don’t like girls either,” He says, with all the casualty in the world.

Oliver looks vaguely surprised. “Not even your mum?”

Phil laughs, gently knocking his elbow against Oliver’s shoulder. “No, you spoon! She doesn’t count. I love my mum.”

The child nods seriously. “My mum moved to ‘Merica. Daddy said she’s gonna eat all the pancakes.”

“Olly,” Dan sighs. He only sounds vaguely defeated now.

“I love pancakes,” Phil tells the child, ignoring Dan completely. “They’re my favorite food.”

Oliver nods along, lacing his fingers together and placing his hands over the iPad on his lap, which has long since turned off. “Daddy says they’re junk food.”

Phil gasps. “Your dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Dan splutters indignantly. “I- Phil,” He whines. “I had a whole thing going with that. Now I’ll have to make pancakes every day.”

“Oops,” Phil giggles, winking at Oliver. “Guess I ruined that one.”

“Oops,” Oliver parrots, shrugging dramatically.

Dan sighs, shakes his head, and leans back in his seat, his eyes falling shut. “I have lost all control of this situation,” he announces.

Phil shares a look with Oliver, who rolls his eyes, or tries to, at least. “So dramatic,” Phil tuts.

“Drama llama,” Oliver says in a voice dripping with disappointment.

“I can hear you,” Dan mutters.

Oliver pats on Phil’s arm. “Do you make pancakes?”

“Er- sometimes, I guess,” he says, shrugging. The whole changing conversation topics every six and a half minutes is really taking his head for a spin.

The child bounces in his seat excitedly. “You could make us pancakes! Daddy always burns them and scrapes the burn off.”

Phil has a joke on the tip of his tongue but bites it as soon as he sees the death glare Dan sends him. Instead, he smirks. “Maybe your dad just needs someone to teach him how to cook them.”

Oliver nods. “Prolly so.” He glances at Dan, then leans in closer to Phil. In a stage whisper, he says, “Daddy doesn’t let me have whip cream, but he puts it on his. So when he’s not looking, I eat it.” His face is full of glee when he leans away, and Phil can’t help but laugh.

“Well, well, well,” he says, sending Dan a pleased look. Dan narrows his eyes. “I know something you don’t know,” he sing-songs.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re a child.”

Phil snorts, gesturing to Oliver. “If he likes me, I reckon I’m doing alright.”

Dan studies him for a long moment, his lip curling up in the hint of a smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He glances down at Oliver, his face shifting into something softer, far more affectionate. “I guess you’re right.”

~~~

When the flight eventually lands, Phil’s pretty sure he’ll never be able to stand again. His legs feel like they’re melded into the shape they’re in, and he’s already dreaming of how great it will be to stand up and stretch. He gathers his things quietly, as Oliver is asleep in the seat next to him. He’d fallen asleep laying against Phil’s arm, and Dan had felt so guilty, apologizing profusely. Phil had said it was fine, that he honestly didn’t mind, but Dan still shifted his child so that he was laying with his head in Dan’s lap.

Now Dan was combing through his son’s hair gently, gazing out the window. He’d opened the blind when Oliver went to sleep, and they’d quietly chatted for the rest of the flight. Phil learned that Dan and Oliver lived in London, about twenty-five minutes away from himself. He learned that they were in Florida to visit Oliver’s mum, who Dan split up with four and a half years ago, when Oliver was only five months old. He also learned that Dan was single.

“It’s so pretty,” Dan says softly, almost to himself.

Phil leans over, looking out the window as well. It really was, in a way. It was breathtaking to see the clouds parting around them as the plane descended, and no matter how many times Phil saw it, he’d still always be amazed by it. “It really is,” he replies quietly.

Dan turns his head to look at him. “I’m sorry for bothering you the whole flight.” He looks bashful.

“You didn’t,” Phil assures him immediately. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Oliver.” He smiles cheekily when Dan rolls his eyes. “And you’re not bad company, either.”

This has that lovely pink patch reappearing, and Phil marvels at it. “Yeah, well,” Dan mutters. “You aren’t so bad yourself.”

Phil grins triumphantly. He’s about to reply when the wheels of the plane touch down, jostling them. Oliver stirs, but doesn’t wake. Dan cards a hand through his son’s hair, staring down at him with a fond smile.

“Do you want me to help gather your things?” Phil asks quietly.

Dan starts to shake his head, then seems to think better of it. “Actually,” He starts, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “If I wake him up he’ll be a little grumpy, so do you mind holding him while I gather it? He’s less likely to throw a fit since you’re a new person and he’s trying to impress you.”

Phil smiles mischievously. “Is he the only one trying to impress me?”

“Shut up,” Dan says with a blush crawling up his neck. He begins to wake Oliver, probably to avoid confronting Phil’s obvious flirting.

“No,” Oliver whines when Dan shakes him gently awake.

“Shh, I know. Here, Phil wants to see you before we get off the plane.” Dan’s voice is quiet and gentle as he guides Oliver into a sitting position. The child crawls over to Phil’s lap, rubbing his eyes. Phil smiles down at him, but Oliver pays him no attention, snuggling in against Phil’s chest and pressing his face to Phil’s shirt. Phil’s arms automatically go around him, and he feels that same bubble of affection. Children are so sweet, he thinks absently.

Dan takes a moment to stare at them before apparently snapping out of it, quickly and quietly gathering their things into two separate bags. One is clearly Oliver’s, with a dinosaur print on the back, and the other is a black sequined one, likely Dan’s. “Cute bag,” Phil teases.

The brunette sticks his tongue out, and Phil has to bite back his goofy responding smile.

A few moments later everyone is filing out of the plane and Dan looks anxious, constantly glancing up at the overhead bins. “Do you have something you need to get out?” Phil asks.

“Er, yeah. Do you mind grabbing it?” He looks like he hates to ask, but Phil just nods easily.

“Sure.” He starts to stand, then realizes that he kind of has his hands full. “Er…”

“Oh, right.” Dan looks embarrassed. Phil loves the pink patch even more. “Olly, c’mere, Phil’s gonna stand up.”

“No,” Oliver says easily. His little fists dig into Phil’s shirt, and he wraps his legs around him as tightly as he can.

“Oliver, come on.” Dan’s voice is stern.

Oliver shakes his head against Phil’s chest. “No, Daddy.” He doesn’t sound particularly upset or petulant, but his mind is made up.

Phil stares at Dan helplessly. Dan looks right on the cusp of flat out anger, but a voice from the aisle makes them both look up.

“Excuse me, do you two need a hand?” A lady probably not much older than Phil is sat across the aisle, waiting for their row’s turn to stand up and file out the plane.

“Er, we’re fine, thank y-“ Dan starts.

“Yes, actually! Would you mind grabbing the bag above us?” Phil says politely, smiling at the lady gratefully when she nods and stands.

“The blue one?” She asks, already tugging at something.

“Yes,” Dan replies, sounding embarrassed.

Phil glances at him and mouths the word “Sorry.”

Dan shakes his head a little, offering him a half-smile.

“Here you go,” the woman says cheerfully, handing the bag across Phil to Dan.

“Thank you,” They say in almost perfect unison. They glance at each other and snicker, much to the amusement of the good Samaritan who is still standing in the aisle.

“You three are so cute,” She coos.

“Oh, we’re not-“ Dan starts.

“Thank you!” Phil replies, talking over him. She smiles and returns to her own seat, gathering her things. Dan sends Phil a curious look. Phil shrugs. “How weird would it be to say, ‘Oh, sorry, no, this is a stranger! Not the father of my child, we just met today!’”

Dan opens his mouth, then immediately shuts it again. He makes the bread face. “Point taken.” He glances down at the three bags in the chair between them, a sigh escaping his lips.

“Here,” Phil says, reaching out. “I’ll put Oliver’s on his back.”

Dan nods and hands it over, watching as Phil coaxes the child into sitting up enough for the straps to be slid onto his arms. He fusses a little, but Phil shushes him gently, reminding him that good boys on the plane have to wear their own backpacks. Dan rolls his eyes but has a quiver to his lip when he turns away.

It’s finally their row’s turn to exit, and Phil stands carefully, cradling the small child to his chest and slinging his own backpack over his shoulders. He glances back at Dan, raising a brow. “Got everything?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Phil nods and leads the way, smiling when the flight attendants coo at him. He feels awkward, considering this isn’t his child, but he’s not bothered by their attention. If anything, some sick part of him is thriving off people assuming that he could land someone like Dan and manage to raise a beautiful child with him.

“God, it feels so nice to stand up,” Dan groans behind him when they’re walking through the tunnel back into the airport.

Stopping to allow Dan to walk beside him, Phil grins. “I know, right? I feel like I’m in a little sardine can every time I fly.”

Dan nods, his nose scrunching up in distaste. “I literally hate that description, but that’s exactly what it feels like.”

Phil laughs, slowing to a stop when they’re near some chairs. “Er, I think this belongs to you,” He says as he gently extracts Oliver’s arms from around his neck.

“No!” The little boy cries, hugging him tighter. “No, please don’t leave! We didn’t finish our game!”

“Olly…” Dan sighs. “Phil didn’t come on this flight just to play games with you. He’s got his own life, and we do too.”

“But we could be in it!” He argues. Oliver tucks his face into Phil’s neck and sniffles. He mumbles something that Phil doesn’t catch, but Dan’s face shifts into something like defeat.

“Bub…”

Oliver turns his head a little, glaring at Dan. “You never let me keep anyone. Mummy left, and you sent Ben away, and Uncle Addy doesn’t even come see me!”

Dan’s face crumples, and Phil’s heart splinters. He’s almost positive he’s about to start crying. To save Dan the embarrassment of crying in front of his child or other people, Phil steps closer to him, so Oliver has almost no choice but to tuck his face back against Phil’s chest. “I have an idea, buddy. How about your dad and I exchange phone numbers, that way when you want to see me and play games on my iPad he can let me know? Does that sound like a plan?”

Oliver sniffles, considering it. Phil’s eyes find Dan’s and he watches, his chest aching, as Dan wipes away at a couple tears. He tries to smile at Phil, but it falls a little short, looking more like a grimace.

“I guess… I guess that would be okay,” Oliver mumbles.

Phil smiles, petting his hair. “Okay.” He glances at Dan, allowing his lips to curve up into a smirk. “Your phone number?” He asks, tugging out his own phone and unlocking it.

Dan looks a little speechless but takes the device, creating a contact in Phil’s phone. He taps for a moment, probably sending himself a message so he’d have Phil’s number as well. He hands it back when he’s finished, and Phil tucks it away. “Okay, Oliver, time to go,” Dan says gently.

The child sighs, but slowly detaches himself from Phil, allowing himself to be handed off to his father. He tucks his face into Dan’s neck immediately, and Phil watches with warmth in his chest as Dan nuzzles his cheek against Oliver’s temple.

“Well… I guess we’ll be seeing you soon,” Dan says, his voice bordering on shy.

Phil nods, biting back a smile. “I guess so,” he replies. He lays a hand on Oliver’s head, messing his hair playfully. “Be good, little man. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

Oliver sits up long enough to wave his little hand. “Bye, Phil, see you later.” He sounds tired, and his eyes are drooping. Phil hopes Dan can handle getting him home before he conks out again.

“Bye, Phil,” Dan says softly. He gives Phil one last lingering look before turning to walk the opposite way. Oliver’s little face peeks up over his shoulder, and he waves one last time before they’re swallowed up by the crowd.

~~~

When Phil gets back to his own flat, he checks his phone for any messages. Seeing his most recent is the text Dan sent himself on his phone, and unable to quell his curiosity, he taps on the chat.

Phil: I was too scared to say it w olly there but u were very lovely to us on the flight and I rly appreciate it. also u r very cute xx

Phil: Is this supposed to be from me to you or you to yourself?

Dan: You spoon Its from me to u

Phil: Oh Well you are very cute too Xx

Dan: U don’t rly have to see us again if u don’t want olly will live I promise

Phil: Ridiculous I want to Does Friday work?

Dan: Friday is perfect x

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Third Person POV Masterlist

A million little suns (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Dan is just trying to get as far away from his home town as possible at Christmas when he gets stuck in a snow storm. He's rescued by an enigmatic stranger who take him back to his cabin in the mountains. What Dan doesn't know is that his rescuer is prolific, best-selling writer of erotica, Ricky Blitz. Will Dan end up with a porn-worthy situation all of his own? (hint: yes)

An Insomniac’s Daydream (ao3) - Young_Rouge_Rose

Summary: Dan Howell is an insomniac, a pianist, and possibly a modern day Nostradamus, as his twisted dreams seem to be pointing towards the destruction of the world. When plagued with such dreams he does what any sane and natural human being would. He gives up sleep.

No sleep. No dreams. No end.

Phil Lester is a humble barista who feels like a daydream and somehow manages to keep the monsters, which come with such twisted dreams at bay.

But there is more to it than meets the eye, for the past always has a way of catching up with you.

This has happened before, but it can't happen again.

angel boy (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: the one where angel!Dan goes into a demon club looking for a bit of entertainment.

baby, you put a spell on me (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "Why're you looking at me like that?"

"Because you're fun to look at. Obviously."

~~~

Magic is common in Phil's world. But even spells and potions can't explain his seemingly supernatural affeciton for his roommate...

Bahamas and Butterbeer (ao3) - fourthingsandawizard

Summary: Tired of hiding his magic from his Muggle viewers at Playlist Live, Dan decides to take a spontaneous trip and tweet about it, much to Phil's exasperation.

black butterflies and deja vu (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Once upon a time...there was a little boy, his name was- well, that’s not important. There was a little boy, and he didn’t have lots of friends.

But don’t worry, this isn’t a sad story, even though it sounds like it, I promise.

🌸 cherry blossom 🌸 (ao3) - natigail

Summary: It had been a silly dream at first. The idea to have a cherry blossom tree in their garden they didn't even have yet. It hadn't felt like it was something that would really happen.

But it was real. Dan was watching their tree, Phil's arms around him, and hoping they would get to see its first bloom soon.

Colours from an Achromatic's Eyes (ao3) - impicciche

Summary: Dan is colourblind. He has been his entire life, but that changes when he meets his internet friend for the first time and suddenly he can only see the colour of his eyes.

Consolation Prize (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "No, the whole being stood up thing is just about manageable, if he can avoid bursting into tears when he asks for the cheque. What really pisses him off is when he’s half-an-hour into sitting alone, all the breadsticks in the free bread basket gone and Dan’s on his third tap water and his first vodka, his heart just has to fall for the next cute guy he sees sitting at the opposite table, because apparently he’s still fourteen years old and horny and desperate and Christ, those eyes can’t actually be real."

or, the one where dan & phil drink a lot of cocktails and start a two-person lonely hearts club.

Counting Stars - definitelythor

Summary: Phil bunks off school and smokes too much, and Dan's a bit infatuated with him. It doesn't take long to figure out that Phil's just a dorky guy who likes stars and wants people to think hes cool

dan is not a pianist (ao3) - Marranje

Summary: How Phil went from watching the pianist and youtuber Dan from afar to being by his side through the most important moments of their lives.

easy for you to say (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Phil tries to convince Dan to throw away the grey shirt. Dan can’t do it.

Eternity of Sex - wishicouldunreadthat

Summary: Dan is taken down to Hell, where he meets his owner, a Lust Demon named Phil. And fuck - the sex is wild.

every kiss is a cursive line (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Iydlmp Dan and Phil through the months of trials and tribulations it takes to plan a wedding… and the wedding itself. (Sort of)

Everyone knows that (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: They fight more often than they don’t, but that’s just how relationships are. Everyone knows that.

Phil bakes when he’s worried, especially when he's worried about Dan. And Phil bakes quite a lot. Dan hates that he's the cause of Phil's nervous baking, that Phil's always so stressed because of him, but Dan has a hard time feeling too bad when the outcome is a plate of warm cookies.

i feel a kick down in my soul (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: “I’m going to obliterate you,” he says, taking a few long steps towards Phil.

Phil runs. It takes him a minute to realize the ball is in the opposite direction.

Is There Somewhere - phanticizing

Summary: 2012! dan and phil try to fix broken ties

Nobody, Not Even the Rain - botanistlester

Summary: Dan is fine. It's what he's told himself all along. Even though it hurts when he has sex with his boyfriend, even though he shakes for no reason at all; he's fine. He's happy. But when he meets Phil, he learns about respect, trust, and how a relationship is truly supposed to be like. Most of all, he learns that maybe he's not doing so well after all.

now onto the future (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: It’s become something of a game, Dan and Phil chasing each other through time.

Paper Stars - botanistlester

Summary: Dan starts to get love notes in his locker in the form of origami stars, so he gets the help of his best friend, Phil, to figure out who it is.

Properly (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Dan's been trying to take advantage of the all-hours pool for a late night swim, but some guy always shows up before him.

Stay (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan was mesmerized by the cute guy with the flowers he saw on the tube. Was it a bit much to search for him time and time again after that? maybe, but sometimes working hard for something works out in the end.

Strawberry Lube and Blueberry Muffins - lame-wangji

Summary: The one where Dan and Phil have sex for the first time and they are v cute.

The Infinite Possibility of Us (ao3) - Young_Rouge_Rose

Summary: It began as all good stories do, with an inciting incident. Dan's just so happened to be almost getting hit by a car, watching a man die before his eyes and somehow falling into a web of alternate realities. Just your usual morning inconvenience. He just wanted a coffee, and to make Phil happy. Now all he wants is to get back home, back to his world, his life, his Phil. Little does he know Phil has found himself in a similar predicament, and what is stranger still is that in all other worlds they seem to be together. Maybe this is the universe trying to tell them something.

The Traces We Leave - lesteresce

Summary: AU where Dan is working in a café for uni and Phil is a customer with paint splattered arms who takes his coffee with an unnecessary amount of sugar.

To Dwell on Dreams (ao3) - carltzmann

Summary: "Taking in the whole image, though, it hardly hurt. Watching this perfect version of himself smile and wave and talk to his friends, bathing in success and appreciation, Dan suddenly started to believe that maybe all that was possible, even with the confirmation of a terrifying secret."

Dan and Phil meet at the Mirror of Erised.

Weight on my Shoulders (ao3) - ByTheFire

Summary: When Phil starts getting some unexpected gifts from his dad he starts to worry if he knows something he is not ready to share. Thankfully Dan is there to make it all a bit less scary. All Phil can hope is his dad doesn't want to change who he truly is.

What Happens When You Don't Take a Chance (ao3) - rowan_e

Summary: Phil can’t sleep lately, and the only explanation was the useless romantic feelings he’d developed for his roommate and best friend, Dan Howell...

Now that Phil knows what happens when you don’t take the chance, he realizes that lesson wasn’t meant for him

words don't come so easily (ao3) - heartsopenminds

Summary: When Dan agrees to be a celebrity guest on a reality show for artists, his only aim is to raise his profile a little and appease his agent.

That is, until he meets the artists who'll be painting his portrait, and one in particular catches his eye...

Yellow Curtains (ao3) - omgdatphantho

Summary: Dan feels like an outsider looking in; an alien in his own skin. He’s starting to question his sexuality and that’s made more complicated by meeting Phil. Nothing worth having comes easy; especially love.

you look so good it hurts (in my favorite t-shirt) (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Phil is gifted with a "Mega Dilf" shirt. Guess who picked that shirt out?

[biamondpickaxe]

some of y'all have some really cold takes and it's ridiculous.

"they don't owe us anything" yeah. and I don't owe them anything. not my views or money or support if I don't like what they're doing. bc that's how you let content creators know that you're unhappy. that's how you let them know that something needs to change. people might not be as aggressive with their opinions if there was a way to effectively communicate with dnp but there's really not. so here we are.

no, they don't owe us anything but when they don't give us anything, you can't be surprised when people get fed up.

oh wait I forgot they both released a shit ton of merch this year so that counts as content, right?

the appeal to dan and phil was that they were never like other youtubers. they didn't feel like Influencers. they were good, talented, creative people who made their audience a priority over just getting some quick cash. but many people feel like that has changed.

not saying we haven't gotten some good AP videos recently, but some of them lately just go off trends and try to appeal to the masses (remember the instagram life hack video? even the wish video was kinda trendy and lacked creativity and substance)

and then there was the thing with the merch, and the fact that the most content we've gotten from dan this year is shit you have to pay for.

there's nothing wrong with taking a break for mental health!!! or taking a break to figure things out!!! but don't treat your audience like cash cows in order to pay for your time off.

and the tweet that came after the merch thing... how apathetic and half-hearted it sounded, the promise of some Mystery Project that we have no way of verifying the validity of... yeah. that was an Influencer move. big time.

so, no. dnp don't owe us anything. but most of the people I've seen saying that have been

1. trying to guilt people into shutting up and not expressing their discontent with dnp (which literally isn't how this works, content creators NEED to hear from their audience)

or

2. making people feel bad for falling out of the phandom/rebranding/considering rebranding (you guys are back on that "true fan" shit now I guess)

and it's ridiculous! and honestly a bit manipulative. people don't owe dnp their support if they are unhappy with the content they are receiving. just bc you give them all your blind support doesn't mean you should make others feel ashamed for not doing the same.