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rinwellisathing · 8 months ago

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It's A Thankless Job: Part 13

Wyll turned the key in the lock to his apartment door and walked in whistling happily. A good work out and a hot latte made most mornings just a touch better. In one hand, he balanced a coffee holder, in one space his usual caramel latte, in another was a chai latte for Jaina, and finally a chilled, blended, beautiful abomination of red, yellow, and orange topped with whipped cream and sugar for Karlach. “Oh, looks like you forgot to bring one for me. So rude, Wyll.” An unpleasant voice chastised from the living room. Fuck. Wyll raised his eyes to see Scratch and Nibbles on one side of the room, far from the couch, both with their ears flattened and fur raised, on high alert. Jaina sat in the battered old blue recliner her father had given the family, arms folded across her chest and glaring daggers towards the couch. Karlach stood behind Jaina, looking ready to stop her if she made a move, but glaring in the same direction as her. There on the couch was a haughty looking woman in a fine dark blue suit with a black jacket draped over her shoulders. Four long horns jutted from her head between strands of smooth red hair. Her lips curled into a nasty smirk. “Wyll, you little stinker. Forget to tell me you were trying your hand at politics, did you?” She taunted. “Gods dammit, Mizora. What are you doing in my apartment?” Wyll groaned, a look of abject disgust crossing his face. “Hmph! Your whole little family was just as unwelcoming. You know, your little fish wife there tried to hit me. Naughty naughty, you know what happens when we don't listen...” Mizora grinned, eyes focused on Wyll's horns and then his tail. “Well, he's here now so you can stop fucking with us and let us in on why you're our uninvited guest today.” Karlach spat. “Gods, only you could ruin a perfectly good frozen blend.” She grimmaced, but still gave Wyll a nod of thanks as he crossed the room to hand her her drink.

Mizora cleared her throat and shook out her shoulders. “Right! So, according to our contract, Clause D. Paragraph 5: Should the undersigned acquire political office, they must use their newly obtained power to undertake the appropriate level of tasks for their patron....You see what I'm getting at...”

Wyll grimaced, looking away. He felt his fists clench and unclench at his sides as he considered. He didn't think of this possibility when he'd agreed to run for mayor, he hadn't imagined Mizora might find a way to insert herself into this. And of course, he knew, he really should have. Why wouldn't she, the way she insisted on ruining every aspect of his life she possibly could. He was vaguely aware of Karlach gently pressing Jaina back down into the chair as the smaller tiefling tried to make a move towards the Cambion. Everything around him seemed to fade into the background, though, as the gravity of his situation hit him. For all the lives he'd saved, Mizora could force him to ruin or take even more. There had to be a way out. Mizora sighed and rolled her eyes at Wyll's lack of response. “Well, I can see you're very busy...I'll be on my way...Just remember this discussion, hmm?” She got to her feet and made her way slowly towards the door. “Oh, and Wyll? Next time I come, you may want to lock up your pets so they don't cause trouble.” Her eyes shifted to Jaina and Karlach with a sneer as she walked out the door, shutting it loudly behind her. “You should've let me case that bitch in a nice big ice cube.” Jaina frowned. “Oh believe me, I'd have enjoyed that.” Karlach sighed. “But if we hurt her, she hurts Wyll. You know that as well as I do...” She eyed the horns atop Wyll's head. “WE didn't hurt Mizora. Wyll refused to do her dirty work, that's how that happened. She's a vindictive, self-important load of garbage. None of us did anything wrong.” Jaina shot back, looking at the ground. “I know, but there's the implication.” Karlach's face twisted with a look of guilt. “I don't wanna be responsible for anything else happening to him...” “You're not responsible to begin with, I made the choice I knew was the right one.” Wyll interjected. “Both of you, please trust me to continue to do that....I really do appreciate the desire to stand up for me, but we need to be clever about this..” He crossed to the couch and sat down. “Well...I guess with any contract, a legal professional is a good place to start...I think last time I took Scratch for his shots, Dr. Silverbough mentioned in passing that one of his partners studied law....” Jaina tilted her head in consideration. “We could start there.”

“Alright. Nibbles has a checkup over the weekend, I'll talk to him about it then.” Wyll agreed. “There's also that guy with the ads around town, those 1-800-HOPE ads, you know?” Karlach offered. “I mean, odds are he's an ambulance chaser with basically zero credentials, but you never know. He certainly LOOKS shady enough to be the platonic ideal of a lawyer.”

“We can't rule anything out.” Jaina agreed.

“Let's start with Dr. Silverbough's friend, though, if it's all the same to you two.” Wyll decided.

----- “I haven't practiced law in years, how exactly am I supposed to help your friends with a contract, no, more than that, a contract they can't even show me?” Astarion scoffed incredulously as he sat across from Halsin at the small table in the upstairs dwelling's kitchen, looking over the message on Halsin's phone. “I think at this point they're just looking for advice, my heart.” Halsin replied, shaking his head. “It's a sad situation, indeed.” He had heard the story of Wyll's pact before. The young man was fairly open about it and during some of their longer visits (Owlbear cubs ate so many things they shouldn't, after all), Wyll had gotten to talking about the day he decided to become a fire fighter. “Yes, well, sob stories aside, what exactly do they expect me to do about it? Seduce this woman into releasing him from the contract? Because that's about it at this point.” The vampire rolled his eyes in exasperation, his voice dripping with sarcasm. It stung a little, being approached for a skill he'd worked so hard for but could no longer use. Halsin lowered his head, guilt in his eyes. He hated seeing his lover like this. He wondered if he shouldn't have asked to begin with at this point. He gently reached out and placed his hand over Astarion's. “I'm sorry I put this on you. Truly, I thought it might help to be able to use that knowledge again...”

Astarion looked away, eyes cast downward, ears slightly lowered. “No, it's my fault...I know what I'm good for and it was foolish to ever pretend there was something else.”

Halsin approached him slowly, gently cupping his chin in his hands and tilting his head up before leaning down to press a kiss onto the vampire's lips, tender and gentle. He realized his error quickly, however, when those red eyes widened and Astarion shoved him back quickly, scrambling to his feet. “Don't. Touch me.” He snapped. “Not when I'm like this. I've told you before...” He was shaking a little. “I...I'm sorry.” Halsin stepped back, hands up apologetically. “I should go....I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.” Astarion refused to meet his gaze, voice cold and bitter as he grabbed his jacket from the chair and made his way out the door before Halsin could protest, leaving the druid alone. Halsin looked at the ground, shoulders heaving with a sigh. He knew he shouldn't have done it. Astarion had told him before. He chastised himself mentally for failing to resist that impulse.

---- “Oh shit, guys! This is that lame commercial I was talking about! Come here!” Nocturne shouted through a mouthful of chips. She was laying across Shadowheart's lap on their couch. Rolan was frantically re-organizing their absolutely chaotic bookshelf, Sentry was off in a fairly uncluttered corner with a visor around his head playing some VR dance game Shadowheart liked. Sentry removed the visor and walked over, flinging himself onto a beat up second hand chaise lounger and looking at the TV, Rolan deigned to briefly turn his head from his self-imposed task, as the TV showed an elegant man in an overpriced blue suit sitting at a piano. “Hell, Hell, Hell knows the laws

Hell, Hell, refer to the clause, Marriage flawed? Prepare to be awed. Pick up your phone, for now we're taking your calls” Shadowheart and Nocturne burst out laughing. Rolan visibly cringed, rolling his eyes and returning to his sorting. Sentry chuckled at first, until he got a better look at the guy at the piano. His heart rate quickened, breathing becoming heavy. He felt his head spinning again and his mind was back there, swirling with alcohol and whatever else had been in his drink, his body aching and bleeding. 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck' Was all that was going through his mind as he tried to center himself, to catch his breath before his friends noticed. “Hey, you okay man? I mean, the jingle was bad, but I didn't think it would literally kill anyone.” Nocturne asked, sitting up and looking over to Sentry, her expression becoming one of concern.

Sentry stared blankly for a moment and then shook his head, forcing a laugh. “Oh, yeah, no, it was ghastly. Straight up made me feel like I was gonna puke, that's all.” He grinned. “Well try not to do it on the floor, gods know this place needs enough attention without a literal puddle of vomit.” Rolan snorted from the book shelf, but as he looked briefly to Sentry, concern crossed his face, recognition. Nocturne nuzzled into Shadowheart's lap as the elf kissed her between the horns and picked up the remote, beginning to flip through the various lackluster streaming services for a good horror movie, leaning back on the couch. Rolan furrowed his brow as he slid another book into its correct spot and then walked slowly over to where Sentry stood, sort of just turning the headset over in his hands absently.

“Are you okay?” He asked, eyebrow raised as he looked Sentry over. “Uh...yeah, just didn't really 100% that last song before Nocturne wanted to show us that stupid commercial. Y'know, can't be slipping like that. Next thing you know, my kid sister will be passing me by.” Sentry grinned, rolling his shoulders. “Gods, when I was her age, Gary smoked me at DDR pretty regularly, I'll never live it down if I'm worse at games than my big brother AND my little sister.” “You've got a thousand yard stare over missing a beat in a dance game?” Rolan confirmed, folding his arms across his chest. “In the same way I used to 'fall down' on the way here after work?” Sentry winced. “Oh...oof...Fair...very fair.” He folded his arms across his chest and lowered his head. “Um...let's give them some privacy and get some air?” “Alright, I should probably get back to the shop anyway...Cal never was particularly careful about organization, so I shudder to think how stock duty is going.” Rolan nodded in agreement. The two men grabbed their coats and said their goodbyes to the girls, who barely looked up from their horror movie, only really managing a quick 'bye guys' and a wave. The city was a bit chilly tonight, but no less crowded and bustling than it ever was. “So remember I went to that fancy fundraising gala with my new boyfriend a while back?” Sentry began with an awkward sigh, hands shoved deep in his pockets, head lowered.

“How could I forget? I think you wore the suit he sent you all day and you kept telling us how expensive it was....which is weird for you, in all honesty.” Rolan replied, taking out a cigarette and snapping his fingers, a little flame spouting from the tip of his index finger, which he raised to the cigarette to light it. “Anyway, continue.”

“That guy in that commercial was there. One minute I was talking to him, major prick by the way, very creepy vibes,” Sentry stopped walking, gripping his own upper arms and squeezing tight. “and the next I was starting to feel dizzy and I was in a completely different place...” He inhaled sharply, eyes widening and then closing tightly as he forced himself to control his breathing, fingers tapping nervously. “Then, the creepiest, trippiest thing...he was standing there watching himself fuck me...” Rolan winced and shook his head. “I'm....I'm sorry, Sentry.” He looked his friend over, considering putting a hand on his shoulder, but thinking better of it, he knew he didn't want to be touched when he thought of what he went through, so it made sense the same could be true for Sentry. He took another drag from his cigarette and then tossed it down, stomping it out. “Look, you helped me when I needed it, so if there's anything I can do...” Sentry thought a moment. “Got anything about dealing with Cambions in that book collection you've got?” Rolan paused a moment and considered, then nodded. “Yeah, yeah I think I do...Come by any time, I'll pull some things and we can look through them together.”

After he parted ways with Rolan, Sentry made his way to the park. This late at night, most of the animals were either winding down to go to sleep or out hunting for dinner, the sounds of the animals who made it their home by day giving way to the evening crowd. Sentry debated going straight to Halsin's home to take him up on their conversation from the previous day, but after being so vulnerable, he felt off, wrong. He needed to feel powerful again and the familiar pulse of his urge in his veins was pounding within him. He slipped off into the trees to begin a hunt of his own. A young tiefling woman was jogging on the trail, headphones in, dark hair pulled back out of her face. He felt a sensation like nails on a chalkboard or an abrupt record scratch, the urge screaming in his head to take the easy target, but he pushed it down, digging his nails into his skin. Easy prey wasn't satisfying. He knew there was a bigger prize lurking somewhere, there always was. Slipping into the shadows, Sentry stalked the tree line and behind the bushes. He had the intense feeling someone else was watching the jogger, someone who would be so much more satisfying to kill. His senses were heightened in this state, like stalking cat. His bright eyes saw almost clearly even in the dark of the woods at night. His nose picked up a scent on the wind and he followed it. There, behind the bushes just a few feet away, a figure dressed in a black hoodie and sweatpants, an average looking human man. Sentry crouched not far from him, still unseen, ready to pounce. As the jogger passed, singing softly to herself, ('She has such a nice voice...' Sentry thought briefly) the human stepped out of the bushes, knife drawn, the girl turned and cried out, eyes widening. Sentry was quicker, though, his fingers wrapped around the human's neck, sharp black nails digging in and carving a messy chunk as he yanked him back. The woman staggered back in terror as Sentry pulled the man to the ground, his throat to ruined to even scream. The knife and the soaked rag that had been in his hand fell to the dusty trail and the woman's eyes fell to them and then looked to Sentry, his own hood pulled low over his face. “You should be running.” Sentry growled as he pinned the squirming human beneath him and sank his teeth into his spurting neck.

The young woman didn't need to be told twice and she darted away down the path. Sentry distracted the bloodlust that told him to go after her by tearing out a portion of the human's throat with his teeth and beginning to claw his chest, tearing his hoodie to ribbons and leaving long gouges in the skin beneath. “My, aren't we having a good time, my putrid princeling.” Fel's voice cooed from behind Sentry. “I couldn't help but notice, however, that tonight's kill lacked your usual creativity. I do caution you about letting the urge go for too long. It's been two days since you saw a client! My poor old heart would weep if you stopped creating, dear boy, so please, do try to keep your kills prolific and plentiful!” The imp began to fuss over Sentry, toweling off his hands and face before helping him to his feet and producing a plastic bag with a fresh set of clothes, handing them to the young man. “You know, I worry spending time with that druid you were going to see is...perhaps contributing to your lowered kill count lately...If he continues to be a problem, perhaps you could see your way to making him a solution instead?”

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kingofthenorth · 8 months ago

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HI!! oc questions: do u have more that are based in an existing universe or ones whose universe u made up? if u made up a universe(or multiple) what are some of ur favorite worldbuilding details? what are some of ur oldest ocs and when was the last time u changed something about them? do u have any that are direct self inserts?

Ooh, these are some good ones!

Overall, I have way more that come from my own little universes. So much so, in fact, that I couldn't tell you how many worlds I've created, let alone how many characters are in them. I spend entirely too much time thinking about this stuff.

One world in particular has the most extensive worldbuilding. I'd wanted to make it feel as real as possible, so as a teen and young adult, I spent countless hours coming up with history, fashion, religion, maps, and languages to flesh it out. Here are some of my favorite details:

In the Gomnivev language, any noun can be treated as a name so long as the final consonant (provided it ends in one) is doubled. This comes in handy given that Gomnivev first names are almost always a detail about the day the baby was born. You get lots of people named after birds that were singing, fruits/vegetables that were in season, or weather conditions from the day they were born. For example, "aean" is a crocus, but Aeann is a proper name for someone born when aean flowers are blooming. Because there are no capital letters in the written language, this is the easiest way to distinguish between the nouns and their Human Name counterpart.

Banazar, Rezeki god of the dead, is the god subject to most debate among scholars due to ambiguity surrounding his gender and origins. Names that end in -sar (common) or -zar (less common) are explicitly male, but some of the very earliest texts describe him as "mother to the dead," in his role caring for departed souls. Instead of just running with it, religious scholars fight bitterly about what this means. As for his origins, he's the only god that didn't exist in the beginning, when the Original Gods created all there is now, but also isn't a child of the Original Gods or their two daughters, like the rest of the gods are. No one knows where he came from.

Many Rezeki garments sport wild patterns, but the exception to this is their most popular formal wear, the mema. Mema, which are not unlike a toga, are almost always solid color so that one can pin decorations onto them and make them look different each time they're worn. Brooches and baubles meant to be worn on mema are a common gift, and can be anything from crudely hand-fashioned by one's kids to crafted by artisans. What matters is that it's fun and unique!

My very oldest OCs are from a story I came up with at 8, hoping to one day turn into a tv show. The original story was about a high school club for kids with superpowers, and the protagonist, Jairo, had none, but joined anyway to help out. In high school, I was reminded of the story and revisited it, deciding that it made very little sense that he'd be allowed to join, and changed it so that he had powers too, but they weren't as useful overall, else it wouldn't be a viable story. Imagine my fucking surprise when, years later, the BNHA anime came out and I saw the similarities. I am, perhaps, a bit of a fool. lol. lmao, even.

Finally, I did once make a couple self inserts, but I ironically never connected well to them. One I forgot about entirely until just now, and the other I changed so much, I often forget she was based off me in any way. It turns out, I much prefer exploring characters that aren't all that much like me. If anything, I think there's more "me" in the worlds I create than the characters in them. I'm in the politics, the public consciousness, and the messages, but not so much the characters.

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hopetorun · 1 year ago

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13, 19, 29

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

i find self-loathing really hard to compellingly evoke! there's a whole category of emotions where my brain just like ... doesn't do them, including self-loathing (and some others that i've never even tried to write and probably never will) and as a result i just get like whole brain is series of question marks about it. i feel like i can do it in chatfic but only when i have someone else to help steer me in the right direction because otherwise i just veer right away from it

i had to think really hard about what subject matter is hard for me so now i've obviously forgotten everything that's easy. i guess there's a lot of stuff that i feel comes pretty naturally but i'm struggling to find one that really stands out. families, maybe? even ones that bear very little resemblance to mine.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

i was a bit of a late bloomer on the writing front! i didn't start writing for pleasure until i was 12 or so, though i spent plenty of my childhood making up self-insert stories about myself being friends with various fictional characters and/or in fictional worlds. it never really occurred to me to write those down and i wasn't making up really original stories. also i had a bit of a block about writing for fun because whenever people found out both my parents were writers (journalism not fiction but still) they'd always ask me if i was also going to be a writer and it ignited all my contrary instincts

but i discovered fanfiction and was like, well this seems fun! i can try that! and i did and it was fun! i don't think there were any major bumps on the journey from there, aside from the standard challenges of learning and improving and having your skill level and your taste be misaligned. i've obviously learned a lot about what i like writing and how i like writing and how to improve my writing, and while there were times where i was worried i'd never write anymore or never be able to write [some kind of thing], i've mostly gotten to where i'm comfortable with stopping and starting and the ebbs and flows of it!

that said, i don't think you can ever escape the taste and skill misalignment, and there's definitely stuff i want to keep working on. i want to get better at intentionally incorporating motifs to support my themes and i want to do a better job making sure that my non-pov main characters are crisply drawn with clear motivation and i want to be more intentional about my research and probably other things!

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

oooh well the second part of this relates a lot to the writing journey, which is that i've worked a lot at being more comfortable and certain that the inspiration will come back eventually! sometimes the muscles just need a rest. and i've also gotten better about like ... not quite forcing it, because i will say the stories from this almost never go anywhere, but i find that telling myself i'm going to write a little (a very little, think 15 minutes a week) can be really helpful for making my brain work at identifying stories and ideas.

in terms of where i get my inspiration, a lot of it comes from tossing ideas around with friends and seeing things on the internet, and also from reading other stories and seeing bits and pieces that compel me and wanting to rework them with my own takes

#ask meme

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aimlesspoet · 8 months ago

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So I think you may have misunderstood the post a little bit. I didn't insert myself into their lives or have to be around them because of school. These friends were at my house almost every day. We had sleepovers and beach trips. When I transferred schools, they could have easily stopped spending time with me, but they didn't. We still did things together weekly at the very least. We even found a way to all go to prom together as a group despite being at different schools. The problem was that it seemed like I was being kept around as some form of entertainment, someone to make fun of or throw under the bus. At first everything seemed great, but then they started to make little insults about my personality and looks, and they weren't direct about it. When I expressed my worries to family members, I was told that it was all in my head. To them, it was clear that I was overthinking because they didn't have the same experiences that I did. Like you mentioned, why would someone willingly be around someone they didn't like? Something always felt off or passive-aggressive about the way my friends spoke to me, but I ignored my gut feelings because I was taught that I couldn't trust myself. But what these kids were doing wasn't kind or self-sacrificing. They were pretending. Sometimes people are just mean, even more often when you're seen as "weird" or "abnormal." Also idk about you, but if I found out that the people I spent time with in school every day were just politely lying about being my friend, I don't think I'd find that decision to be kind. I'd much rather be politely turned down than politely deceived, but maybe I am just not understanding what you mean by that. That could just be me tho Absolutely no hate to you at all. I just wanted to add this to help with a potential misunderstanding <3

a bottom-tier autistic experience is being told throughout your entire childhood that you are just an overthinker when it comes to social situations and later finding out that your friends did, in fact, hate being around you and tried to communicate that through weird little hints

#autism #autistic #autistic adult #autistic community #actually autistic #asd #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

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koiturine · 22 days ago

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trying so so sooooo hard to be less afraid of making my self insert over-involved/cringe as hell but i think i finally came up w some interesting shit and so be it

SO 👏 koi is ex-ipc and originally a stoneheart

like originally they were coral (the coral of bankruptcy to be more specific) and his bad luck was kind of like a nuke that the strategic investment department would drop down on planets to depreciate the value so they could acquire them at a low cost

koi really only joined the ipc bc he genuinely thought that they were well-intentioned at first, plus the good pay since living in psimante is reeeeally expensive (just imagine it as space los angeles i don't feel like getting into the lore for the whole ass planet i made up rn)

he was a hard worker but it kinda felt like the opposite of a green thumb where every project he was assigned to kinda turned to dust and flopped hard every time, but jade realized that there is a lot of value in someone being so unlucky hence the bankruptcy nuke being dropped (SO young as a stoneheart by the way like probably around 18 when he first joined)

moved to pier point properly when becoming a stoneheart, in terms of being a stoneheart didn't have any real wishes or anything tied to it he just wanted to get paid more and the new career direction sounded interesting

soooo besides um

oh yeah coral is pre-transition

besides the dysphoria fun was had by all until um... The Whole Aeragan-Epharshel/Boothill Incident

it was the first time coral saw everything first hand and was just like "oh the ipc isn't abt peace at all i gotta get the fuck out of here"

but jade's basically all "ummmm... no, you have a contract"

and basically a trade is agreed on where i find a replacement within like 3-5 years Or Else Something Terrible Will Happen To Him

(coral has absolutely zero confidence in that happening but he takes the time limit anyways)

fucks off to that fucked up planet that aventurine was traded on and he ran into coral's place, that whole keeping him safe and helping him out thing doesn't change

but the ipc planning sort of does a little bit

the very obviously looming stellaron disaster makes it so aventurine doesn't really feel safe anymore, and he's just like "everyone else is taking up the offer to be rescued by the ipc why not your ass" "honestly after everything they did i think i'd rather die than take their charity you Will owe them and it Won't be worth it"

explain the whole ex-ipc thing plus the boothill incident but aventurine has a very "nah i'd win" approach to it and wants to get into the ipc anyways as a stoneheart like me

double win of feeling like he has a sense of safety w all the money plus it feels like to an extent paying me back by making it so coral isn't under the ipc's thumb anymore

fast forward escaped the ipc out here living his best life, transitioned and became koi, got scouted to act in some of mr. reca's films bc he felt like koi had great potential as an actor etc etc

running away from that dead planet koi managed to get to psimante and that's where he ran into reca. v harrison ford, v "you look EXACTLY like how i envisioned this character do you wanna be in a movie"

and even though aventurine was a fan he didn't really recognize koi bc he thought koi was dead?? lmao???? plus "coral was a girl wtf" it's not until aventurine gets briefly assigned to psimante that they run into each other and catch up and properly gay it up

WAAAAAY more interesting and fun to work w at least on koi's end, finding out abt the sigonia stuff even though he wasn't involved he feels bad for that too since it kinda... solidified the value for a "coral of bankruptcy" like it indirectly felt like taking advantage of a bad situation

i still feel like there's more to flesh out w the relationship but at least i feel like koi is an inchresting char now

#i've been concocting a trailblaze continuance.....#and a main story thing but i'm on mobile i'll yell abt that later #koi rambles

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finalgirlminamurray · 2 months ago

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last week i finished reading experimental film by gemma files, which i had heard talked up a lot in horror literature circles and was excited to finally read for myself, hoping it wouldn't end up being overhyped.

as soon as i read the summary for a book that mentions the main character having an autistic kid i have to brace myself for the question of "is this book going to make me feel condescended to or outright dehumanized" and i will say i was not feeling good about this one when i started it. i had to push past the parts talking about How Hard It Is living with this child so i could focus on the good parts because most of the book was pretty good. i wasn't expecting, however, for the main character to recall realizing that she fit all the diagnostic criteria for what they were then calling "asperger's syndrome" but was never diagnosed and her parents didn't believe her son's diagnosis had anything in common with her. i was struck by that because i was suspecting that lois was at least partly based on the author herself - not a direct self-insert but just a character who had a lot in common - and decided to read the book assuming the main character was also autistic.

that did make me view it in a different light than i would have otherwise. i really liked lois as a protagonist; i liked that she was often not written to be "likable" and made decisions that female characters so rarely get to make without being excoriated by audiences (she very much does prioritize her work and her pursuit of the central mystery above her family and i love that sorry. and she does openly admit to herself that she finds herself resenting her own child which made me think about what i really like about the babadook.) i think there was something very interesting there about how autistic people labeled as "high-functioning" will consciously or not look down on those labeled as "low-functioning" - as a kid i was diagnosed with "asperger's" back when that was a thing and i sometimes felt like i had to distinguish myself from the kids in the "special ed" classes; no, it's fine, i'm still normal, i'm not like them. and we do have to reckon with this. almost wish the book leaned into it more but i guess i wouldn't want it spelling too much out for us...right?

i think ultimately i just don't really like it when child characters in fiction aren't really characters so much as plot elements or props in the adult characters' stories. oh the kid is saying he sees things that you can't and he's reciting creepy nursery rhymes he's never heard before? sure. i think it would be really nice to see a book from the perspective of a nonverbal autistic kid - or hell, a nonverbal autistic adult, they exist - actually allowing them to be a full character with interiority and personhood. i don't know if that movie come play is any good. i also think i just wish the majority of autistic representation wasn't still white men and/or children.

this sounds like i didn't like the book but again i mostly did. i think the stuff about the film preservation field is really good, i always love reading something about that kind of niche area where you know the author has spent time in that field and is writing from experience about all the nuances of it, and i'm also fond of stories about people being increasingly drawn into learning more and more about some unsolved historical mystery and it takes a toll on their sanity but they have to keep going to know everything. i think it's also some good folk horror. i think i'd recommend it just with some caveats. as much as it does fall into some cliches of autism representation it's also a novel with an autistic adult woman as the protagonist who actually gets to be a complex character so there's always that - and yes, written by an autistic author.

i checked out gemma files' website after reading this and found this blog post which confirmed what i thought. i know people shouldn't be obligated to disclose all aspects of their identity before writing about characters of marginalized identities but it is nice to find that out you know. she also links to this review from a blog about autism representation in literature which was a good read, seeing another autistic reader's perspective, and another post from her livejournal talking more about her possible diagnosis. i won't directly link that one since it seems more personal but it's there for anyone to see. shoutout to anyone who's been made to doubt themselves because of a narrowly restricted set of criteria that some people think constitutes the only existing autistic traits, i do feel a bit privileged sometimes to have actually gotten diagnosed early in my life because having that sort of negates any questioning you might go through if you're considering whether to call yourself autistic later on.

(like. what do you MEAN autistic people aren't supposed to have an interest in fiction, i've seen a number of posts reminding people on here that special interests that AREN'T fiction-related exist)

also she has a tumblr but hasn't posted in a year. i hope she doesn't find this post hahaha (please don't tag authors in reviews of their work)

#experimental film #horror books #my thoughts #whoof that was a lot. should i tag this something like #actuallyautistic #because it's what i ended up talking about the most #anyway i read a couple other horror books recently so i'll be sharing thoughts on those soon too

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winter-spark · 8 months ago

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I know self-diagnosis is valid and that as you learn more you're okay to be like oh I was wrong it's actually maybe this and whatever but I'm a bit of a coward, or well I still don't want to insert myself in spaces that I don't might not belong in and I've always hated the idea of talking about things without 100% certainty/information but uh my possible {self-}diagnosis is sorta leaking into my writing. Or at least I'm doing things in my writing then later hearing about/being reminded of things and sorta going :o so I'm gonna write about that below. Somewhat a vent post I suppose.

So... Uh I guess, besides explaining my potential diagnosis, there's currently gonna be three parts of this. My personal series Letting Go, my A3! writing, and my Buddyfight writing. And there's gonna be a lot of uncertainty here so I apologize if it at all wastes your time but here I go.

Me:

So... I might be autistic. This is something my sisters and I have been looking into for a minute tbh. Like a couple years at this point. We've taken a few different tests and started somewhat watching informational videos on autism and diagnoses and stuff, and like signs are pointing to yea probably. but like, idk. We were gonna put a pin in it until we could move but we unpinned because it wasn't helping to have it pinned. But yea, I might be autistic. Things I've looked into less that I might also have(?) ADHD, AFRID, mild dyslexia, but I've gotta do more research and it's not really about those but I thought I'd throw them out because idk some times holding things in for too long turns them to rot. But anyway, since I've been doing research on autism I was thinking maybe possibly whether I am or not my main character, Miles, is. He's from my series

Letting Go:

Now, Miles, I projected to some extent on when I wrote him but also he's very different from me but none the less there's few things that I had that could be signs of autism and I was wondering how to add more because I did want to sorta write him as an undiagnosed autistic. So in my writing before the research was my movie for my Screenwriting classes. Things about Miles, from the earlier drafts:

He is kinda sensitive to too many sounds, especially voices, at once (trait from me), (it increases when he's in a nervous/panicked state idk if that has to do with anything but I wanted to clarify that)

His, maybe, special interest is space, namely Pluto (and maybe baking)

(I had to sorta look back at this when editing/setting up for version like 4/5 which became a tv series but) he's not always great with picking up what others are putting down socially (version 1 he did not realize that another character was legitimately romantically into him, he didn't realize that, now one of his best friends, was worried about him,) like you do have to be a bit more direct with him (but not as much as Leilani but that's a different point completely)

So like, I was like maybe I should give him more traits? Like like this isn't in order and I can't remember everything but I was like okay, I, maybe, have a chewing stim, maybe I should give that to him too. (I need to double-check what his mannerisms are omg) And I say maybe have a chewing stim because I don't know if it has another name but I know that sometimes I just need to chew on something, but I've sorta conditioned myself out of it because my mom didn't appreciate me chewing on my pajama clothes and my personal stapler broke(yes I used to chew on staples). So like you know maybe that.

But also maybe I was thinking I would line his sorta panic attack with an autistic meltdown. See a big point in the story is when at a party he ends up sorta panicking and running away then he just sits by himself at like a bus stop which is where his grandma finds him, but like I wasn't sure how to do that because I was doing research and I wasn't sure how to quite make that so and if the things around it were right(I didn't do this research recently I'm sorry I'm super blanking). but I was watching this video earlier by I'm Autistic, Now What? called The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdowns, and one she mentioned was leaving/running away. Which as I mentioned he does. And I think maybe I was worried about build up/triggers but now I'm thinking more about that and maybe there is enough.

Ugh I don't want to "spoil" it but like, he's an introvert, he's a homebody(sorta), he's never had that many friends, so this was his first time going to a party with a group of friends, a group of friends that almost immediately split up, and he ends up stumbling back into one of them, but he's a little conscious about his crush flirting with someone else at the party, then his old bully is there and is harassing him and keeps mentioning Miles being a momma's boy and this is sorta more sensitive because his mom is in the hospital at the time(not a spoiler that's the (omg I'm a terrible film student what do you call the event that triggers the rest of the story, sets it in motion that's what that is)). He steps away for like to seconds to talk a breath but when he returns it is being revealed that his mom is in the hospital and [redacted because it was originally a surprise bit of info but now I just don't want to reveal this because it is still sorta a spoiler] which sends him over the edge where he borderline starts shouting and then just darts out.

And like maybe that works? I don't know. What I also don't know is if I should've even included my

A3! writing:

See, after one of the high points of my research on autism I was looking at a lot of Itaru content stuff and sorta was like is... is Itaru Autistic? Now I don't make it a point to write him as such but Itaru has become one of the characters I for some reason feel need to project onto. So when I write him I do give him me-adjacent traits and looking at some things I'm a bit like hmmm, am I maybe writing him autistic?

See-- oh shoot I should have mentioned this in the me category, okay so I might be demi-romantic, demisexual. I'm not 100% sure but with the research I've done I figure that's possibly why of the very few crushes I had it took a while for me to be like "oh! I have a crush on this person!" like literally one of them I didn't come to the conclusion until I was trying that wellness with Steven Universe/Rebecca Sugar thing and one of the days was just write what comes to your mind and as I was doing my best to do that(my mind goes very fast but I had to have complete thoughts) I got to a point where I was talking about one of my best friends and I was like "yea it'd be cool if we were still close in the future and maybe lived together and then we could go on runs together and cook together and cuddle on the couch watching movies together" literally visualizing this future together and then and I don't even remember if I considered a peck or not but I was like "oh shoot Do I have a crush on him?"

Now you're probably like, what's this gotta do with Itaru and autism? Well see in one of my CitoIta fics I gave him that trait of not quite catching on until he gets to a certain point "oh shoot, do I like him romantically, what?" so I figured I was just making him demi-romantic. (Which he still could be idk) but anyway. I saw this post a couple months back that said that not being able to quite tell if it's platonic or romantic can be a neurodivergent trait. So what if I gave it to him as like a subconscious neurodivergent, mayhaps autism, thing, idk if he's written as autistic in this story tho. I was actually initially thinking about in my Apartments au, where he basically starts scripting his interactions with his friendly neighbor (a sorta of "Okay, if we run into each other again I we have a conversation, I can ask this, and if he mentions this I can mention this" type thing. Oh tho he slightly does that in the first one I mentioned not to the same extent but he does prep how to say a line(wording and delivery) if asked what he's doing.

And speaking of characters I project onto let's hop over to

Future Card Buddyfight Fics:

So the closest I personally have ever been to "kin"-ing a character was Kiri Hyoryu, and I simply mean this in a "I related to him so hard" way like he was me foreal, okay, obviously lots of differences but point is I was able to see myself in him. Before they completely ruined him for me, that's an essay I've already written and will write again. but not this essay. So of course I wrote Buddyfight but mainly Team Disaster fanfiction(they aged with me in my writing lol). Some are actually posted too. but like in my most recent unfinished work, I was really feeling that need to project onto him. So I gave him a... something. It was similar to what I experienced but somewhat different. And as I continued writing, a character who happened to be there was like "I want to be able to help if it happens again, what sorta thing helps, can I ask if that a panic attack or an anxiety attack."(he was planning on doing additionally research on them as a whole) & I went ":0". And tried to research them and figure it out but like I couldn't. And going back to the video I was watching on the types of Autistic Meltdowns, I don't know but I kinda think that maybe he had an autistic meltdown?

But like here's the thing, how am I doing that? I not once considered Kiri as autistic. Just like a character that was as me as I was gonna get. He had a hard time making lasting friendships partly because he moved a lot, and latched onto his person(s) and just wanted to know he'd be remembered by those he cared about. Sure he was a bit whiny, I got why people thought he was annoying but it made him more like me, because I got why. I felt his pain. Even if none of it was real.

And I never really thought me and Itaru were all that alike but I feel the need to project onto him at times, and just like adjacently, like that long post about CitoIta playing Kingdom Hearts, I promise you a lot of Itaru's faves are different from my but also close enough, like Itaru being a Kingdom Hearts fan is because I'm a Kingdom Hearts fan, and he's a twewy fan too because I'm a twewy fan, like he's a gamer how can I not? But also he's nothing like me even in those regards. Like I know he's a freaking Shoka fan in terms of Neo and that he played the og twewy back when it first came out. And he's legit a gamer, I'm hardly one.

And of course my own oc, who doesn't project at least a little on their ocs. I don't have a point here on him tho. All in all I'm just like yeesh. What am I supposed to do with this?

I was gonna say I might have to accept that I really am probably autistic but I'm still nervous about trampling on other's space, interjecting myself where I don't be long that I realized something. Accidents do happen, yada yada if it's three times it's a pattern I've written lots of characters and stories so it'd have to be more than three four times... Five, more than five times, shoot I forgot Retsu's also a scripter(still Bfight character). But like yea, I'll probably start rereading my works to see if there's anything more in there that suggests that I maybe give autistic traits to characters I write and I know the less I project onto a character the less I can count it maybe? Idk, but like I just think that maybe I've over reacting idk. Time will tell I guess. I just don't want to be wrong you know?

This I know is nothing solid, I've been writing this for nearly three hours(I'm at work but it is a slow-ish day) without looking at any really research and just vaguely using my memory to make points so I might even more so be wrong idk, idk, idk.

#not quite #messages from the swamp #<- i shoulda just typed it. it took too many tries for me to be able to click on it from the split second tumblr let it appear #tumblr hates me #and idk why #personal thoughts #should I tag this with my personal series or my main character there is some information about him in here...#idk #might delete later #or something #might disappear it at least #long post

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lorbanery · 1 year ago

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Listen

Helena Bonham Carter is a phenomenal actress. It is not her fault that she's been typecast as the kooky aging mall goth aunt for the past, like, fifteen years. Watch pretty much anything she's done outside of Terfwarts and anything directed by Burton and you can see that.

The fact that her Mrs. Lovett is like sleepwalking through the movie is a deliberate choice and I think based on her other performances and how deliberately she seems to be acting aloof and half asleep makes it obvious that it was a deliberate directorial choice.

Now you could argue that oh it's just a different take on the character and just because it's different doesn't make it bad! Which is true!

What makes it bad is that the two main characters sing an entire song where they're trying to one-up each other in a 3 minute long pun-off making this face -_- the whole time.

Mrs. Lovett spends the entire show frantically running around doing everything she can and then some to make Sweeney even vaguely accepting of a relationship with her, making up whole ass romantic domestic bliss out of those crumbs, and then being SHOCKED and APPALLED when reality doesn't line up with her fantasy.

But Burton really wants me to believe that "trudging around the set with constant resting bitch face like she can barely be assed to get out of bed" is a valid character choice?

The only thing that really does is solidify that Burton really, fundamentally, does not care about anyone's work but his own.

Like, we already saw a bit of this with Alice in Wonderland. He's one record as saying that he never liked the original story because it didn't make sense [insert "the point going over your head" meme], which is a WILD thing for a self-declared Weirdo Freak to say, first of all. So his goal was to make it make sense and the result of that was this tortured Chosen One story where the Mad Hatter has fucking PTSD-induced DID or whatever the hell.

Because he fundamentally does not respect the source material. And I think you can see that in Sweeney Todd too.

A lot of people have written and talked at length about how Burton's continued self-identification as a weirdo well into the era when he was just being handed massive properties with multi-million dollar budgets to do whatever the fuck he wants with them is part of why his movies have been so blah at best. Most of those people have also pointed out that the movie he's most known for — The Nightmare Before Christmas — wasn't even actually directed by him, it was just based on a story that he wrote and his illustrations.

And I'd argue that that ... kind of feeds into this disrespect he seems to have to properties that aren't his own.

Because he still thinks of himself as this weird goth kid who no one understands and makes weird niche media for weird cult movie enjoyers. And that was kind of true! Anyone who grew up in the '90s can tell you that while TNBC was generally well-known, it was well-known in the way that the stop-motion Rudolph movie was well-known. It was a niche holiday movie that it was normal for some people to watch around Halloween and/or Christmas, but liking it beyond that was kind of weird.

But you know what? It's currently 20-fucking-23 and I can decorate my house in entirely TNBC-themed Halloween decorations if I wanted to bought entirely at my local Walgreens. The man isn't weird or niche anymore. And arguably hasn't been for, like, twenty years.

Now, I fully believe that the guy who said "Hey what if Frankenstein but a kid bringing his beloved dog back to life and also the neighborhood still brutally chases the mosterdog down in the final act?" was treated as kind of a big weirdo at Disney in the '90s. But it's also important to note that ... Frankenweeinie still got made. And I'm not even talking about the full length animated feature! There was a whole ass live action short film starring the kid from The Neverending Story, Shelly fucking Duvall, and with an appearance by a young Sofia Coppola! And it came out almost TEN YEARS before TNBC did! SIX years before Edward Scissorhands! FOUR years before Batman! So you can't even argue that they only made it because he was having some big silver screen success so wanted to indulge him!

Anyway, my point was that I can see how a guy who thinks of himself as fundamentally weird and outsider, as the lifelong goth who only makes niche movies for cult movie enjoyers? Would think of these other pieces of popular media as somehow above his in popular culture. Like, it doesn't matter that Alice in Wonderland has been a literary haven for most kids who actually find themselves on the outskirts of mainstream culture. What matters is that it's a story that everybody knows. Therefore, as a self-declared niche movie maker and weirdo, it's not only makes sense for Burton to not like Alice in Wonderland, it's actually good and cool for him to not like it.

"But what about Batman?"

A fair point. Burton's Batman movies are the most widely acclaimed Batman movies, except among people who are pissed off about the liberties he took with Penguin and Catwoman in Batman Returns. I, personally, love both of them.

There's an argument to be made that they were made earlier in his career when he still cared about pleasing someone other than his own skewed ego.

But I think there's also something else to be said for the place Batman held in mainstream culture at the time. Because I think Burton, more than anyone else, including Frank Miller, brought Batman into mainstream adult culture.

Because it has to be pointed out that while the '60s and '70s saw DC comics dealing with more serious topics and handling those topics in more mature ways, superhero comics were, at that point, still largely seen as media for kids. Like, you want to know why the Adam West Batman series was so campy and over-the-top? It's because they were spoofing what were essentially kids' cartoons. The bungling cops, the over-dramatic, heavily themed supervillains, Batman's rigid devotion to traffic safety laws? It was the "Captain America PSA meme" of its time.

So Batman was already pretty niche, at least for adult audiences. And given the dark and brooding tone that Batman comics were starting to develop around the time Burton was growing up? I fully believe that there was something about Batman that Burton liked. Otherwise? It was a fluke. And the fact that his personal brand fit neatly into the Batman mythos meant that the "fix" just kind of worked entirely by accident.

Anyway, all this to say someone get Guillermo Del Toro to adapt Sweeney Todd But Good so that I can stop being mad that the movie adaptation was such a trashfire.

Also if you've only seen the movie, please look up the filmed production of the original Broadway cast (including Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Lovett!). It used to be up for free on Youtube, but you might have to go further afield to find it now. But GOD it's so worth it.

Every time I listen to a good rendition of "A Little Priest" I'm forced to remember how horribly Burton's "Sweeney Todd" butchered (haha) it and I get angry about it all over again.

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transcending-chaos · 3 years ago

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How would you react if chaotic was real as one random day you got your own working scanner out of the blue.

All she’d done was try to turn the damn thing on.

It was an unassuming little device; a single pane of glass and a small button on the front. It’d just showed up addressed to her in the mail, no return address or hint of where it came from.

‘It looks like my old phone,’ she mused, turning the small thing over in her hands. The bright blue was very pretty, but there were a few lines on the back where a slight iridescence shone. Perhaps it was a logo, but no matter the angle, she could not see the entire thing. It was otherwise plain, just a charging port and audio jack, and a rather large camera for the device.

She turned back to the box; the cardboard packaging was a plain gray, just layers of bubble wrap and tissue paper stuffed in within. The only other thing inside the mess was a tiny slip of paper with a verification code.

‘I’m not plugging you into my computer,’ she rolled her eyes and attached a cord to let it charge from an outlet. The screen came to life a second later, a cursor blinking in and out.

“Okay, that was fast,” she glared from behind her glasses. “What the heck are you?”

She entered the code.

It felt like getting hit by a car.

A harsh impact, then nothing.

—

He’d always loathed this part of the job.

Imthor’s heels clicked sharply against the polished floors of the darkened back halls, the sound announcing his arrival to where Hotekk was waiting at the far end. There were no lights in these long corridors, but it wasn't like he needed them anyways; he was all too familiar with the labyrinthine Location, and besides, light or not, he could still see fine.

“Alright, who do we have this time?” The elder Master removed his helm, his human facade melting away in the dark.

“An untethered.” His companion replied, Imthor noting how he could practically hear the grin of sharpened teeth.

"Are you serious?"

"Deadly so," the younger Master opened a hidden door. "Come on, I'll show you."

They hastily made their way through another tangle of passages. Every few meters the dark was punctuated with a thin, dim glow on the floor -the only indication that there were rooms at all.

"How stable are they?"

"Very, we might actually succeed importing this one."

"Please," Imthor spoke his wish into the air. He was exhausted with seeing the glitching and spasming forms of half-corrupted imports; of test subjects being blatant failures before they even had the opportunity to fix anything.

He tired of watching the lost slip through his fingers, knowing Perim would never have her true self restored.

The pair came to an open door, and entered into a softly lit room. Imthor noted the color of the light, staring at the warm orange glow that emanated from the holding cell. The imported figure lay on the floor, a tangled mess of red hair and paint-splattered clothing. Her image didn't glitch or struggle, her field was pulsing in time with two very different heartbeats: one was peaceful, dormant, and the other was a slow force, resonating with magnitude.

That was a great sign.

"She's from before the fall," Hotekk waved a hand towards the figure. "I'd recognize that hue anywhere."

"Before even Tribal colors," the elder grunted in agreement, remembering back to the days before. "Have we isolated the broken ties?"

"Already done."

"So the untethered-"

"Is now tied."

"Perfect."

"She's probably going to hate us."

"She'll learn," the elder shrugged. "They all will."

#you didn't think i'd make this a direct self-insert did you?#i guess this is my drabble tag #i guess this is my oc tag

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comicaurora · 2 years ago

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It's literally been over a month and this answer still haunts me, (also hi I changed my url♡) not because it made me realize that I have some unaddressed fear of making my own characters and building a story around them/creating a story and characters that thematically align with and match said story; but because it slams into perspective how fundamentally different transformative fiction is from original fiction. Like I have characters and an idea for a setting that I wanna use to make a magical girl story, completely independent from my desire to take my latest hyperfixation and combine it with one of my special interests to explore how those characters would fulfill narrative roles from a fundamentally different type of story. I realize I might have mildly concerned you when I said I was in anguish, but it's not about having concepts and interests locked up inside of me that I wanna use Aurora as a vector through which to explore them, it's about dipping into the well of joy that I have for one work and recontextualizing that work to create something that brings me new flavors of joy.

All this preamble to say I remember you once saying something to the effect of "I think the drive to retell and recontextualize stories over and over is one of the core constants of humanity.", and I thought I'd ask: What might you have to say about the time honored practice of taking characters and stories and reshaping them to suit one's desires/alternative goals for a story for whatever reasons they may have, be it subtly or fundamentally? (Things from pharaohs regularly changing which gods were the head gods until usurpation essentially became a thematic thruline in the mythos, to the multiple iterations of TMNT and the many reinterpretations of Journey to the West, to writing self insert fanfiction)

I think it happens for several reasons! Just the ones I've observed within myself and my fandom spaces include-

This character has interesting potential in directions that aren't being explored

This story plants a concept and then doesn't pay it off

I resonated with this character in a way the story didn't intend

I thought the story would go in [this direction] but it did something else instead but [this direction] is actually quite interesting

This story establishes something but glosses it over because it didn't interest the writer but it interests ME

Because the work of absorbing and engaging with a story is inherently transformative, the reader frequently gets ideas from a story - and those ideas are often quite different from the tone or concept the original story adhered to. This doesn't mean the original story is bad, or that it fails to tell the story it wanted to - it just means that inspiration and creation is an iterative process and the things we love will inspire us in unpredictable ways.

Some fanworks explore things the original story didn't address - character backstories, "missing scenes", events in timeskips, etc. These fall into the category of stories that I think work best as fanfics rather than an original story - drawing on the context of the original work and expanding on the established story. These wouldn't work as standalone stories because it matters that the characters involved are specifically the characters from the original story, as that gives us vital context to understanding their dynamics and why certain interactions are meaningful. Transformative sequel works like Monkie Kid, for instance, draw heavily on the specific fun details of the source material and would be diminished if the JttW characters were replaced with generic superpowered beings with the serial numbers filed off.

Serialized comics follow an interesting cycle where fans of comic runs often become writers of the same series a decade or so down the line, producing general shifts in the narrative that follow whatever those fans wanted those comics to be. Batman going from a campy goofball to a dark and tortured vigilante defined by his trauma to a permanently exhausted father of ten has been a very interesting evolution to watch, and at every turn it seems to be shaped by the potential those comic fans thought was being squandered by the previous incarnation. Goofy batman didn't explore his fractured psyche. Grimdark batman refused to explore the batfam. The story shifts because it's a collaborative effort, and people who go from fan to official creator have the chance to turn their headcanons into canons - whether or not that fits with what's already been established.

And it's not always necessary to stay super faithful to the original story when telling a new version. The new She-Ra strongly seems like the kind of story someone would've made up when playing with action figures of characters from the original She-Ra - as I understand it has very little in common with their original onscreen characterization and portrayals, but it's a deeply moving and character-driven story that uses the characters well regardless of its distance from the source material.

The reason I personally tend not to create fan works, rewrites or reimaginings, and why for the most part I avoid any sort of "here's how I think this story should've gone" is because I personally think that inspiration drawn from unpacking stories is better directed into new stories rather than reworking the old ones. Some of the fandom spaces I've seen - certainly not all, but some - almost seem dedicated to "fixing" the source material, and I think that's a dangerous concept to flirt with. Because of who I am as a person, I have to actively resist the obsessive urge to polish everything I do to uncriticizable perfection, and it kind of alarms me to see people following that same pattern but applying it to other people's art. It fosters a sense of entitlement over the artist's work while also stymying the fan's own creativity by artificially restricting them with parameters imposed by the original material. Some of the fanworks I've seen are so far removed from the source that it really seems like the "original" is just a thin aesthetic veneer that is holding this completely new story back.

Because ultimately, while a fix-it fanwork can be fun and cathartic, it won't fix it. The original story is not theirs to "fix". It'll still exist as it is regardless of the fan response, and I've seen this build up into legitimate frustration as fandoms sometimes become very upset that they actually have no creative control over stories that don't belong to them. The creation of fanworks is extremely fun and I think broadly unavoidable, but there is a form of fandom that sees the original story, not as something to explore or play with, but something to correct, and that in turn fosters unhealthy expectations of what exactly a fan can realistically do to a story. The only art any of us has real control over is our own, and that's why I think creating original art is ultimately a good and healthy goal to strive for - because transformative fan works will on some level always be following rules defined by someone else, often someone the fan-creator visibly disagrees with.

To be clear, this is a small subset of the space of fandom, and broadly I fully understand the appeal of exploring other people's stories and characters. Of course I'm going to be personally biased towards creating original work. But I think the intrinsic impulse to retell and reimagine and rework stories derives from a fundamental impulse of storytelling in general - we take in things from the outside world, transform them in the crucible of our mind and then give them back changed in a way only we could do. Whether that inspiration is our lived experience or a story someone else told us, the artistic impulse is the same - take it, consume it, make it ours, then give it back.

This got away from me. I hope I got a point in here somewhere.

#asks #writing stuff

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sinisterexaggerator · 2 years ago

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I’m back.

Realized belatedly I meant the headcanons about Shriv wanting to go exclusive with reader when I was talking about his self-deprication. Not the “Persistent” ficlet.

Sorry for the confusion 🤦🏻‍♀️ *insert embarrassed wingofshadow here*

Oh, OK! Thanks for clarifying @wingofshadow! At first I was confused because I thought he did not degrade himself in that ficlet, he was only afraid of hurting reader with his teethies! All right, here's a little short something. @kimageddon had to make it horny with her "you forgot" idea and it wouldn't leave my head, so sorry about that! >D

Title: Something in my eye

Word Count: 551

Warnings: Just a bit of a crotch squeeze, otherwise it's all fluff and feelings and dealing with ill feelings about oneself.

---

"I don't know what you see in me," Shriv confessed, sighing. "I'm just a jaded Duros with a big mouth and an even bigger head."

"Stop it," you scolded him. "That's one of the dumbest things you have said to date. Besides, you forgot the biggest thing about you."

Shriv's brow ridge knitted as he contemplated what you were getting at. "My quote, attitude problem, unquote?"

Your hand lightly came to sit upon his knee, sliding, teasing, as your palm moved to rest across his groin, though he was not erect. Shriv gasped, nearly choking on the inhale. His own hand moved to join yours, his fingers toying with the tips; the softness of your flesh as he removed you carefully, yet he held you to himself, arm pinned against his chest.

"O-oh, smooth. Normally, I'd- It's just ... I was being serious," he said solemnly, continuing to caress the apex of your index and middle digit with the scaled pads of his own. "I don't want to lose you and I'm afraid you'll get sick of me one day," he admitted worriedly.

"Shriv," you said, your voice firm and commanding. It caught his attention well enough, for he turned his head to look timidly in your direction, thin pupils fixated on you - your face reflected back at you in his shining eyes of ruby. "Please, don't talk that way. I hate it when you do that. I can't stand the idea you think so lowly of yourself."

"I ... I'm sorry," the Duros apologized too quietly, gaze shifting towards the floor.

"And stop apologizing all the time!" you instructed forcefully, though you allowed yourself to calm back down to a warmer speaking volume. "Shriv, I love everything about you. If I didn't I wouldn't be sitting here with you."

"Oh," Shriv responded flatly. "I-I see."

"Do you? I'm not so sure."

You frowned, tugging your arm away so that both could wrap snuggly around his hefty build. You squeezed as tightly as you could, though you lacked real strength. Still, you were able to get your point across.

"You're funny, witty, charming, kind, brave ... and that's just hitting the surface level," you whispered into his ear canal.

"I - I am?" he asked with trepidation coloring his tone.

"Of course you are. You risk your life everyday, you make people laugh everyday. The galaxy would be a darker place without you in it."

Suurgav remained quiet, though he was overcome. He held himself steady in your arms.

"To not hear your voice, to not see your smile, to be without you in my life ... I rather risk going up against Darth Vader himself than to have never met you."

You stifled your mild shock, for you felt something wet against you neck. You hadn't even known that Duros could cry, though it made sense. You gently tautened your shared embrace, planting a sweet kiss just below his well-honed jawline. "I care about you, Shriv, and so does everybody else - even if they don't always say it out loud. Be more confident in yourself and in your abilities. You've got nothing to worry your big head about."

Shriv nodded, using it as an excuse to wipe his tears off on your blouse. He chuckled wryly, trying to make light of all of this. "I'm not crying or anything, I've just got... something in my eye."

#Shriv Suurgav #Shriv Suurgav X Reader #Shriv x Reader #Shriv Suurgav x You #Shriv Suurgav x Reader #Duros #Star Wars #Star Wars fanfiction #fluff #feels #comfort #Battlefront 2 #Resistance Reborn #Shadow of the Sith #my writing

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viridiansworld · 3 years ago

Text

Lean into It

Pairing: Kibum(dom) x self insert AFAB reader(sub)

Word Count: 8.5k

Synopsis: Being bold isn't something you find yourself doing often. You're more of a blend in and go unnoticed type of person. So when fate seems to have other things in store for you, do you embrace your bolder side?

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, NSFW, idolverse, explicit sexual content, minors do not interact!!! , BDSM (blind folding and wrist binding), unprotected sex (wrap it up friends), fingering, edging, aftercare and fluff

I was waiting in the lounge area of the designer shop for Onew. We had to have some final adjustments done to our suits we were going to wear for the gala tomorrow. Onew was stuck in some traffic so in the mean time I scrolled through Instagram.

"You're seriously the worst you know? You waited till the last minute to pick out a dress." 2 girls were looking at dresses on the rack near me. I didn't mean to eavesdrop...well let's face it, honestly I did. My life had been boring and dull lately, and living vicariously through others was getting me by.

"Jiwoo!" The girl chuckled. "You love this type of stuff! Don't act like you don't! Wendy said I should do something daring...I'd don't know though."

Who was this girl? She knew Jiwoo obviously pretty well- Fashion influencer and BTS Jhopes sister. And she name dropped Wendy....Red Velvet Wendy?

Jiwoo rolled her eyes teasingly. "Y/N you're lucky to have a friend like me...Wendys right though...hmmn, how about this dress?"

Ah, so that's her name...

"It's pretty, might as well try it on with the others you already pulled for me."

Who is this Y/N person? I thought to myself.

"Okay, go try them on and we'll decide from there." Jiwoo rushed her off in the direction of the dressing room with an armful of dresses in tow. I got on my phone again and searched "Y/N and Jiwoo" and nothing pulled up, next I tried "Wendy and Y/N"...nothing. I scoured Jiwoos Instagram for a while searching for anything, maybe a brand connection, some sort of business collaboration with this Y/N person but Instagram didn't reveal anything either. I did the same to Wendy's and still nothing.

After a long while, Y/N came out from the dressing room area wearing a flowing black gown with swarovski stars encrusted all over. The sheer sleeves and neck revealed a sweetheart neckline that drew the eye down and accentuated her previously hidden hourglass figure. The girl who was in ripped jeans, doc martens, and a band t-shirt was now turned into a princess. A real-life cinderella.

"I don't know Jiwoo, all those other dresses looked...odd on me... this one is gorgeous but ....maybe standing out isn't so good. It's beautiful, it really is....I'm just nervous"

"I think it looks perfect!" I said without realizing the words had slipped from my mouth. The 2 women both looked at me in shock.

"Th-thank you" Y/N choked out, obviously caught off guard by a random persons acknowledgement.

"If something feels right, don't doubt it, lean into it." I smiled and then busied myself with my phone again. WHY DID I SAY ANYTHING! I internally screamed at myself. Not me being a creep obviously listening to their conversation. I tried to melt into the sofa, hoping I would be forgotten about or that Onew would show up but neither happened.

Jiwoo agreed with me and told Y/N that this had to be the one. Y/N went to change and when she came back, her ripped jeans and band tee seemed to appeal even more to me, knowing now that she could be a chameleon. Blend in when needed but stand out when wanted. I liked that. They purchased the dress and we're about to leave.

"Now to make some speedy alterations since you're nothing but a procrastinator." Jiwoo said chuckling as they walked past me. I still sat in the lounge area waiting on my hyung to finally show up.

"Thank you so much Jiwoo, I know I owe you big time." Y/N paused at the door before she turned and walked back over to me. "Um, excuse me," she said softly. I had been pretending to be occupied on my phone, I looked up at her and smiled, not sure where this was going. "I just wanted to say thank you, again, for your kind words... I'll think of them the next time I'm feeling scared to be myself." She flashed a quick smile and headed back towards the door where Jiwoo was waiting. "You know who that is right?" Jiwoo said as the 2 women walked out the glass double doors. As the doors closed Y/N turned back and stole a quick glance before shoving Jiwoos shoulder, throwing her hands in the air. Obviously in shock of the whole situation.

So she knows who I am...but who are you?

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Jiwoo had stayed true to her word and made the alterations to my gown. I was standing in her bathroom looking at myself in the full-length mirror. She had helped me with my makeup and my hair, I had a soft smokey eye and my hair was swept up into a loose updo.

My nerves were getting the best of me. I had only been involved at SM for a few short months, a transplant from America to Korea. The news of an SM gala for all employees wasn't something that had interested me very much since I was so new but it would be poor manners to not attend. So I had drug Jiwoo in to help save me from my disastrous procrastination.

"What do you think?" Jiwoo asked snapping our of my thoughts. She had been putting the finishing touches on my hair.

Looking in her floor length mirror I analyzed the person I saw in front of me. This new me. It felt right.

"I think ... you're a miracle worker" I smiled at Jiwoos reflection in the mirror as she smiled back at me. My phone started ringing and she quickly handed it to me from the bathroom counter.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hey! I just left my apartment I'll be to Jiwoos in about 30 minutes okay?" My coworker Soyeon, who had become one of my first friends when I moved had decided we should ride together to the gala.

"Perfect! I'll be ready! See you then!"

Jiwoo spent the last 30 minutes making sure my makeup was perfect and wasn't going to smudge. She stocked my clutch with everything I would need in case it did. She helped me into my heels and then guided me downstairs just in time for Soyeon to be pulling up to the gates of the apartment complex.

When we got to the gala,valet took Soyeons car for us. We made our way inside the venue and rode the elevator up to the 25th floor. The doors opened to an elaborate open concept venue space. It was decorated to the nines in a dark red color scheme. The dark modern architecture of the space accompanied with the dark red decor gave the whole event a serious tone while the music playing lightened it. Throngs of people filled the large room. Open bars placed strategically around the room to accommodate the masses and a dance floor and stage on one side.

We quickly grabbed a cocktail and then worked to find our other coworkers. Every department was at the gala, including even the talents that SM had underneath them. When they said company wide gala, they really meant company wide. My department worked closely with alot of the girl groups,which is how I became friends with Wendy, but I didn't work as close with the boy groups. Working in the k-entertainment industry was something I didn't mean to fall into, but it just sort of happened. I knew of kpop but if you asked me to name groups or songs before working for SM I wouldn't have been able to do it. Let alone know faces and names of different groups. That was still almost impossible.

"Let's head towards the back, Mike said they're on the far side of the room." Soyeon finished checking her phone and headed us in that direction.

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"Why were you asking Wendy so many questions?" Onew asked as we walked back towards our table

Wendy had been in line at the bar while we were there. I couldn't help but ask if she had a friend named Y/N. She was used to my forwardness and didn't think anything of it.

"Because he can't help but be nosy" Minho interjected

I rolled my eyes at him but he couldn't see it, he was walking behind me "I was just curious" I shrugged

"I think you're more than curious about this Y/N." Taemin threw out. I stopped to give him a death stare from my annoyance.

"They have to be around here somewhere." a familiar blur in black and sparkling stars came walking by and Taemin lost my attention.

"You?" My heart pounded as she locked eyes with me before passing by.

"You!?" She froze, stunned by the same recognition. She looked breathe taking in the dress with her hair, make-up, and jewelry. Wendy was right. Daring was best.

"You know each other?" Soyeon asked, obviously shocked and confused

"No-"

"Yes-"

We both answered at the same time and then looked at each other. I could see the red flush on her neck.

"We met briefly" my eyes stayed glued to hers

"Yesterday at the dress shop we met, I didn't know he was- well... The Kim Kibum, till Jiwoo told me" she turned to Soyeon and bit her lip, was she nervous? I thought to myself.

"You work for SM and you didn't know of them?" Y/N's face went red at Soyeon's question.

"You work for SM?" My mouth leading ahead of my brain, if she was here she must work for the company, it's the company's gala. The last thing she wants is to be interrogated, I kicked myself for being so dumb.

"I um- yeah, it's sort of a long story I guess. I work for SM but only for a few months.... I know of SHINee, I just dont know your faces....so, I apologize for not knowing you....we um-we're looking for our coworkers." she pivoted, shooting daggers at her friend for embarrassing her before clearing her throat."Sorry to hold you guys up, it was nice running into you again." She smiled quickly before continuing past us dragging her friend by the arm.

"Wow Kibum, I've never seen you at a lose for words before." Minho elbowed me in the ribs. I rolled my eyes and kept walking back to our table, giving Y/N one more glance over my shoulder as they walked the opposite direction.

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We finally found our friends and the night took off. A few drinks in and the socially awkward nerves had fallen away and I was able to mingle with just about anyone. Soyeon had gotten brave enough to go dance but I stayed at the table people watching.

"Look at this stunning queen!" Wendy snuck up behind me, making me jump. "Stand up! I gotta see this dress!" She tugged at my wrists. I stood up and did a twirl for her, my skirt flaring and the stars sparkling in the dim light of the venue.

"This is everything Y/N, I love it so much!" Wendy praised making me blush.

"Thank you, you said to be bold and daring so you got your wish!" I laughed, "you look gorgeous as always." Which was true, her gown was beautiful but she was always stunning. We chatted and caught up with each other, their comeback was happening soon which meant the group was going to be busy and so would my department.

"Y/N! Have you seen my clutch?" Soyeon returned from dancing and seemed a bit frazzled.

I scanned the table, I hadn't remembered her leaving it behind. " No, I don't have it, and I don't see it here. Where was the last place you remember having it?" I stood up to help look in the chairs of the table, thinking maybe it was hidden from veiw.

"Ugh, I don't know! Im gunna go check the dance floor." Soyeon was about to walk away.

"I overheard you're missing your clutch? I'll help you look!" Minho and Kibum had walked over to our table, Minho over hearing the conversation.

"Oh thank you! I must have dropped it, the last place I remember having it we was on the dance floor..." Soyeon and Minho wondered off into the crowd leaving me with Wendy and Kibum.

"Kibum, you look very handsome in your tux. Doesn't he Y/N?" Wendy had a playful smirk on her face that puzzled me and Kibum cut his eyes at her, whatever was playing out between them was unknown to me.

"Uh, yes" I cleared my throat, no amount of alcohol could help the butterflies I had in this moment with this man near. " He looks very handsome."

"Would you like to see the balcony?" He blurted out, a nervous look crossing his face.

Wendy chuckled at his forwardness. "Yes! Kibum you need to show Y/N the gorgeous view." Wendy leaned over to me to hug me quickly, "He's a good guy." she whispered before pulling back. "I'll text you okay?"

"O-okay!" I stammered, stunned by her private comment to me.

"Bye Kibum!" Wendy called as she walked away, quickly winking at me and leaving me to my own devices with this man.

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"Lead the way?" She asked

"Uhm, yeah, follow me." i started walking towards the back of the room. Long, floor to ceiling black velvet curtains covered the windows of the room except for one pair of tall glass double doors that lead to the balcony. I pushed one of the large doors open and held it for her as she followed me out. The cool evening air feeling refreshing against my hot skin. The long balcony was the length of the entire side of the building and it looked out over the city. It had benches and potted trees lined across it in a set pattern. Each tree decorated in solar fairy lights giving everything a magical feel. We walked out across the balcony towards the railing.

"There's a few steps, hold on...here" the large balcony was split level, one part at one height and the other part lower. I held my hand out for Y/N to hold on to as she stepped down to the lower level. The minute her hand touched mine it felt like electricity was running through my palm. Once she was steady on the ground she pulled her hand out of mine to my dismay.

It was much quieter outside compared to inside. The music could faintly be heard but barley. Only a few groups of people miled around. She continued walking towards the railing of the balcony, overlooking the city. The stars in her dress twinkled from the lights in the trees as she walked. I followed her and matched the slow walking pace she had set while looked out across the city.

"I asked Wendy about you." My curiosity was too great and I had to know more, I wanted to know her whole story and hear it from her. She was still such a mystery even after asking Wendy. "I heard you mention her name at the shop yesterday...I'm sorry that sounds horribly creepy."

She started laughing, "Knowing Wendy she probably didn't give you much and yeah....it's a bit creepy but...I'm okay with it." She smirked at me quickly before turning away to hide the mischievous gleam in her eyes. Whether she meant for me to see it I wasn't sure.

We started up a lengthy conversation of how she came to work for SM, her role at the company, everything that led her to being in the designer shop the day before the gala.

"Are you happy to be in Seoul? Did it turn out to be what you wanted?" I asked, curious after hearing her story.

She pondered on something for a moment before answering. Each click of her heels echoing against the stones of the balcony.

"I'm happier here than I was there, i think I made the right choice." She half smiled as we reached the end of the balcony, the noises of the gala leagues behind us now.

Pivoting I started talking about my career and all the things in my life that lead me to where I was at. It was only fair if she opened up that I do the same in return.

"I remember our debut stage like it was yesterday. I have never been more nervous in my entire life. Our parents were in the front row and we just didn't want to disappoint anyone.... that was so long ago, now I want to please me more than others. If I'm happy with it, then that's more important than what someone else says or thinks."

"You're just full of good advice aren't you?" She smiled her warm smile before looked down at her dress, noticing how the lights made the stars sparkle.

"I took your advice, about leaning into what felt right.... I'm glad I did." She flashed another smile in my direction as a comfortable silence fell over us.

"Did you get to dance?" I finally asked after standing in silence for a while looking at the city stretched out in front of us.

She chuckled and shook her head "Im too shy to go on that dance floor. So many people, so many eyes watching..."

I pulled out my phone and found what I was looking for. I pressed play Tayeons song "Galaxy".

"Out here it's only you and me.... may I have this dance?" I held my hand out and slid my phone into my back pocket as the soft music filled the space around us.

She looked into my eyes pausing to make her decision. "If it feels right....lean into it" she said as she placed her hand in mine.

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We danced song after song, he would pick one, then I would pick the next. It was my turn to choose and I had chosen "2 things" by Jimmy Brown. I loved this song, and I think he did too. Kibum hummed it in my ear as I rested my head on his shoulder and we gently swayed. When the song ended I didn't want to let go. I took a deep breath in, taking in his scent. It was fresh and bright but also earthy, I wanted to imprint it on my mind. I lifted my head from his shoulder and pulled back enough to look into his deep brown eyes.

"Thank you...for this, I know you must be wanting to get back to your friends." I smiled a small smile and bit my lip. He was still a stranger on all accounts but he had been kind to me and made me feel special. I really was grateful. He smiled back at me, "Nonsense, I'm right where I want to be."

His phone buzzed and he pulled away to checked it quickly before putting it back in his pocket. I hated our embrace was cut short but I hid my disappointment.

"So, what's on the schedule for the rest of your night?" He asked as he casually leaned against the railing, like we hadn't been in each other's arms a few moments ago.

"Well, I guess not a whole lot. I've actually had a crazy busy week and the gala was last minute." I sighed and shook my head "Honestly, if I tried explaining everything that is my life right now, you would probably think I'm a mad woman."

His phone buzzed again, he quickly looked at it. He smirked at the screen and typed something back, then looked to me. "I won't think you're a mad woman, I-" he paused and laughed to himself "....I'm surprised you don't find me to be a mad man after my eavesdropping." He slipped his phone back in his pocket then looked up at me. He ran his hand through his hair, biting his lip "I'm sorry for that by the way, the eaves dropping that is....I was curious about who you were."

"Well we weren't exactly whispering were we" I laughed, making him smile a nervous smile.

"Well no, but...I know Wendy...so when you mentioned her yesterday...I just- I'm sorry,. I feel like I should apologize for being nosy." I could see the pained embarrassment on his face and I started laughing. I couldn't help it.

"It's okay" I laughed "Seriously, if anything....I'm glad you asked her about me. I'm glad you overhead us in a way. Otherwise we wouldn't be standing here right now. My friend Soyeon- oh shit! Soyeon! I completely forgot about her trying to find her clutch!" I turned and began heading back from where we came.

"Hey, wait!" he followed after me.

"I should really check on her, I-"

"Soyeon left" he said.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around "Do what?" I said, the shock evident on my face.

"Don't be mad at her!" He said quickly " Minho invited Soyeon tand your friends to have some drinks with his friends." He rubbed the back of his neck "Thats who texted me. They asked if we wanted to go but...I told them no..."

"So you just assumed that I would want to spend the rest of my evening with you?" I quirked an eyebrow at him "With the mystery man who spied on me at the dress store and then tried to get information about me from my friend?"

He looked so defeated and it was all I could do to contain my laughter. "I'm sorry, I should have asked if you wanted to go with her before assuming, I just- we were having a good time and getting to know more about each other...I keep findind myself wanting to know more...and honestly... I don't ever feel this way about people." He took slow steps towards me till he was only inches away from my face

My laughter started to spill out and he picked up on the fact I was teasing him. "You? The Kim Kibum of Shinee wants to know me? This hot mess that is standing in front of you? This all sounds like an insane joke, you know that right?"

"I have plenty of jokes to tell but this isn't one. I'm serious." A piece of hair that had fallen in my eyes drew his attention and Kibum gently took it and slipped it behind my ear sending goosebumps across my skin.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, knowing the serious ramifications of Idol drama. It wasn't against company policy to have relationships but it could be messy. I had heard the stories of heart broken team members, employees leaving because it became too much. "Kibum, should you even be getting involved with a girl like me? I don't want to cause you any trouble."

"I think I'm the judge on who I do or don't get involved with." He said smugly "So..." He walked a few paces ahead of me then turned back offering his hand "if you don't mind seeing where this can go, can I invite you over to my place for a glass of wine?"

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I sat on one end of the couch and she sat on the other, several feet between is on the sectional. I had given her sweat pants and a hoodie to change into so she could be comfy. She took a long sip of her wine.

When we first got to my apartment, Garcon and Comme Des were awful, barking and yipping like crazy, embarrassing the hell out of me, but they quickly warmed up to Y/N. Now they were both fast asleep, laying between us on the couch.

We talked about work, we talked about America, we talked about Korea, we talked about everything in between. She didn't open up about anything too deep until we had downed the first bottle of wine. After that we didn't stop talking for hours on end. 4 bottles later the wine ran out and when we finished our last glasses I got up to take them to the kitchen. Walking back into the living room I saw she had gotten up from the couch and was looking out the long window that lined the living room. The dim lamp light was casting a warm glow on everything, while the city lights outside twinkled like stars. I stood there for a moment admiring her from the door way. The sight of my clothes on her body did something to me. My scent, being the scent on her skin. When we were dancing at the gala all I could think about was the curve of her waist in my hands and the feeling of her breasts pressed to my chest. Her floral sent had been intoxicating and had driven me half mad in the best of ways while we were dancing.

She reached behind her head and pulled out the pins holding her hair in place. As it tumbled down her back my mind drifted to the thought of what it would feel like to be the one taking her hair down. I tried to steer myself away from it but I couldn't stop thinking about what it would look like falling around her bare shoulders. She ran her hands through it and I clenched my fists, closing my eyes. I dug my fingernails into my palms to distract me but it didn't help. It only made me think about what it would feel like for her to be digging her fingernails in my skin as I-

"Hey" her soft voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "You ok?" My eyes snapped open, she was right in front of me

I smiled and chuckled to myself, running my hand through my hair. "I'm...good... I'm sorry, I was.... distracted for a minute."

I was hyper aware of everything about her, she licked her lips before speaking "Distracted by what?" She asked almost too innocently.

"It's...complicated" the wine had me too relaxed, focus Kibum, don't be an idiot. She's gunna think your a freak.

"Well, I understand complicated better than most" she said, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"It's nothing, really, can I get you anything?" I tried pivoting the conversation, motioning to the kitchen behind me.

"I don't think it's nothing, but that's fine Mr. Kim. You don't have to tell me everything. I may have been honest with you about everything tonight but you don't have to do the same." She quipped, teasing me with her sass before turning around to walk away from me.

I didn't even think, I just acted. I grabbed her wrist firmly and whipped her back towards me, my other hand found it's way into her hair and tugged at the roots, pulling her head back exposing her neck to me. She didn't have time to think or react, only a small whimper escaped her putting me in check before I could drag my teeth against her neck. I immediately let her go. I had never lost control of myself like this. I wanted her so bad, what the fuck was I doing?

"I'm- I'm sorry. Im so fucking sorry. I shouldn't have-I...fuck..." I walked across the living room putting distance between us. There was silence for a long moment.

"Kibum... I'm fine.... I could feel your eyes on me this whole time. This tension is killing me...tell me...what's on your mind. Did I do something?"

I couldn't help but let out a sigh with a laugh "You haven't done anything...but at the same time everything you do is killing me...i just...it's hard to explain."

She came up behind me tentatively placing a kiss at the base of my neck"... doesn't seem that hard to explain." She breathed against my skin.

"...Ive never felt... whatever this is. You make me feel like I'm losing control...and I crave control."

"Do you want to contol me?" She asked so casually it pained me.

I turned around, raising my hand to run my fingertips along her jaw "Are you sure you want to cross this line?"

"Don't answer my with a question Mr. Kim." She fired back, mischief dancing in her eyes.

My fingers froze under her chin. "You're really trying to do this?" I held on to my control as best I could as her gaze stayed focused on me

"I'm trying to understand everything about you Mr. Kim" the way she kept saying Mr. Kim was killing me and she had figured that out.

"Then I need to show you something first. Then you can decide where you want this to go."

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Kibum grabbed my hand and led me through the door that was on the side of the living room. It was a large dressing room that we quickly walked through, the clothes lining the room were a blur as we came to another door that led to another door. His apartment was so confusing, there were rooms attached to rooms and it felt like a maze. We got to the 3rd doorway and he paused before opening it.

"If you want to leave after this I completely understand. I'll take you home and we'll just be happy acquaintances." He said as he pushed the door open and led me inside. My curiosity and intrigue greater than any nerves I felt. It was dark for a moment but he turned on a floor lamp that was right by the door. The soft glow illuminated the room revealing white walls, no windows, large canvas paintings hung on 3 of the walls. All of the paintings were dark abstract art. Across the room against the far wall was a black four poster style bed with side tables on either side. The bed wasn't like any normal four poster bed I had seen though. 5 metal bars ran horizontally across the top and even more bars were going across the back where the headboard should be. On the right side of the canopy hung ropes, cuffs, whips and more. He walked to the foot of the bed, almost appraising it before he turned around.

"So this is...part of me" he motioned to the room "it's not... for everyone..." He was thoughtful for a moment "but if your trying to see into my world, this is part of the view."

I took in the room, the paintings, the bed. The white linens and pillows on the bed all seemed so.... normal. The items hanging above it though told another story. I took a few more steps into the room, the cool tile floor keeping me grounded.

"So...this is the part of you that only a select few get to see?" I examined one if the paintings on the wall. I immediately noticed a signature in the bottom corner 'Kim Kibum'. So he sings, dances, paints...has a sex room. What else was I going to find out about him?

"Exactly...well, I did do a pretty scandalous stage in Tokyo one time but that's another story" I quirked an eyebrow in his direction and he only smirked.

I circled the room taking in the rest of the paintings, noticing they were all his. I made my way towards the bed, appraising all it's decorations that hung from above. Kibum didn't move, he only watched me as I walked, circling the room, passing by him and finally making it back to the doorway where I had began. I turned to face him, no emotion readable on my face yet.

"Mr. Kim, I've never done anything like this before but.... something tells me that's not going to be a problem." I reached for the door and slowly shut it behind me. I leaned against it as he stared me down from across the room.

"I told you I had to show you something and then you could tell me where you wanted this to go. So...now that you've seen it...where do you want this go?" His voice had a low rasp to it that it didn't have before.

"I want to see this side of you." My stomach flopped, I was nervous but my curiosity was greater. When he pulled my hair in the living room I had only wanted him to keep going, do something more. Keep pushing the limit, but he had stopped, thinking he had hurt me.

"Then tell me your safe word." He casually walked up to me, his sweatpants hung low on his hips and his thin white t-shirt leaving little to my imagination. He braced a forearm against the door right beside my head and leaned into me resting his forehead against mine. "I'm waiting" he said, his breathe ghosting over my lips. We had yet to kiss and the thought of what he would taste like had me dying of anticipation.

"Heaven" I breathed as I reached up, my fingers ghosted over his cheek for a moment before his own hand reached up to wrap around my wrist while his other arm stayed braced beside my head.

"Interesting choice my dear." He pulled away to place an open mouth kiss on the inner part of my wrist

"Mr. Kim..." I breathed. His eyes flicked up to meet mine as he felt my racing pulse under his soft lips. Breaking the heated moment. He pushed himself off the door and pulled me by my wrist towards the bed, walking backwards, never breaking eye contact. "Come here my little freak." The nickname making me feel even more a part of his world.

Once he felt the bed behind him he released my wrist and it dropped to my side. He immediately reached behind his head and pulled his shirt up and over, letting it fall to the floor. His body with lithe yet defined. My eyes wracked over him taking in the sight with hunger.

"You're turn" he bit his lip, looking at me in the same way. I took a steadying breath and followed suit. Pulling his sweatshirt over my head and dropping it on the floor the same as him, revealing my black strapless bra.

"Next" he said, eyeing the sweatpants he had given me.

I hooked my fingers in the waistband of the sweatpants only, leaving my panties in place. Slipping them over my hips and letting them fall. I took a step towards Kibum and stepped out of them.

"Trust me?" He asked, ghosting his fingers up my side, following the curve of my body.

I nodded "I trust you."

His eyes got mischievous and it was like a switch flipped "Get on the bed. In the center. On your knees. Facing towards me. Hands above your head."

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She followed my command obediently, climbing into the middle of the bed. I watched as she placed her hands over her head, waiting for what was next. As much as I wanted to go 100% I knew I would need to dial myself back. With this being her first time being submissive, I didn't want to push her too far. Part of me wanted her fully submitting to me, under my control while mounted to my bed frame. Another part wanted to simply just have her underneath me, taking me wholly. Maybe I would indulge in both.

I circled the bed and climbed up, assuming a position behind her. "Close your eyes." I instructed. I reached to the side and retrieved my desired item from the many hanging- handcuffs. Fastening one end to the bar above her and then placed the cuffs as well as wrist pads around each of her wrists. Once secure I ran my finger tips down her arms watching her shiver as they skimmed her sensitive skin. Goosebumps breaking out across it.

I leaned to the side reaching for the drawer of the night stand. Pulling out a black silk scarf I folded it neatly then came back to her. "Still keeping your eyes shut?" I asked

"Yes." The words escaping her in almost a squeak. I leaned forward and kissed her shoulder.

"You have your safe word. Tell me again what it is." I needed her to know she still had control even if she was relinquishing it.

"H-heavan." She breathed out shakily. I reached around and placed the scarf around her head, creating a blindfold.

"Good. You speak it and I immediately take you down ok?" Tying the blindfold I placed another soft kiss against her shoulder.

"Okay." She sounded a bit more confident. I quickly snapped the hooks on her strapless bra, flinging it to the side of the room.

I rolled off the bed, retrieving something else from the night stand before returning to her. "Communicating is key. I'm watching every one of your responses." I walked to the foot of the bed and climbed up, placing myself in front of her. I took the feather I had in my hand and slowly ran it across her bare chest. She sharply inhaled, her breasts rising as I trailed it back across them once more. Her nipples pebbling at the sensations. The high of being in control starting to consume me. "And so it begins."

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The sweat that had beaded on my forehead ran down into the blindfold. My breathing was erratic. The leather cuffs bit into my wrists. Kibum had put wrist pads on me before strapping my hands in but they only helped a little. My legs quivered from the pleasure and the pain. My shoulders started aching from compensating for my weak quivering legs. When they would give out I would hang from the cuffs.

"I hope these aren't your favorite underwear" He said as he fisted his hand in my hair and pulled, exposing my neck to him. I couldnt speak for all the huffing and puffing I was doing. He had just finished using a small bullet vibrator to edge me over and over again through my panties.

While holding my head back, exposing my neck he grazer his teeth across my skin and without warning he ripped my underwear from my body causing me to tense and gasp in his hold. The stinging on my hip bones told me it left some cloth burns where he tore them from me. My tightly wound core was aching for release but he wasn't having it. My thighs were dripping from my arousal that had coated them. I could care less about those underwear at this moment. My ass stung where he had used his cat of nine tails. Each time I had been about to cum, he would extinguish the pleasure with pain.

He leaned forward and ran his teeth across my neck again. I whimpered at the sensation. It gave me goosebumps from head to toe. He tugged on one of the nipple clamps firmly as he bit down on my neck.

"Fuck! Kibum!" I cried as tears started falling from my eyes but the blindfold caught them. I couldn't get it under control. I still hadn't caught my breath from his earlier onslaught and the room was starting to swim.

"That's not my name. What's my name?" He demanded.

"M-Mr. Kim." I managed to stutter.

"Good girl." He soothed the bite with his tongue as he gently undid each nipple clamp. He flicked the hardened sore peak as he did so, making me whimper.

"You're stubborn you know?" I didn't respond to him, I couldn't even if I wanted to. My whole body was shaking. "You're pushing yourself too far. I can tell." He took one of my sensitive nipples between his thumb and forefinger and twisted.

I cried out, the tears starting to run past the blind fold. I was somewhere between bliss and misery. I wanted him to keep teasing me just as much as I wanted release. He twisted my nipple harder. My legs gave out as a cried out. The handcuffs supporting my full weight now.

He shifted from being in front of me to being on my right side. Trailing his hand from my breast, down across my stomach, and slid his nimble fingers in between my swollen folds.

"You're absolutely drenched. You really do know how to show your appreciation." He teased my entrance with 2 of his fingers, my weak and useless legs tried spreading wider for him, my body desperate for release.

Sliding his 2 fingers into my heat fully he curled them inside me sending pure pleasure pumping through my veins. "Mr. Kim, yes, please!" I sobbed, the euphoria of relief building. When the pad of his thumb brushed across my clit I almost came undone, my walls clenched around him.

"Does my little freak want to cum?" He asked, brushing against my clit again.

"Yes, please!" I sobbed, the hot coil in my gut on the verge of snapping.

"Tell me when youre there baby, tell me just before you're there." He kissed my neck as he picked a steady pace to keep rubbing my clit.

"Please, please I need it, I need to cum!" I heaved, so scared of him taking away what I wanted so bad.

"You will baby, when I want you too." He crooned, his pace on my clit so heavenly I almost forgot to breathe.

"Yes, yes, oh fuck, Kibum I'm gunna cum!" And instantly he slipped out of my sopping wet cunt, swatting my ass with the nine tailed whip that was in his other hand making me yelp as the searing pain finally broke me. My head fell forward unable to take anymore. Sobs wracked my body from the constant denial. "Heaven." My voice cracked, defeated by whatever this game was, my faculties breaking down. "Heaven, please, Kibum."

Kibum, just as promised, stopped immediately, wrapped his arms around me, pressing his bare chest to my hot and sticky skin. He was trying to support me. He undid the blind fold using it to wipe the tears and smeared makeup from around my eyes. He cupped my face in his soft hand, making sure I saw the care in his eyes. "You did so good, so good baby." He assured me, my defeated mind thinking I had failed him in someway.

I used the last bit of strength I had to steady myself on my knees. He was still on my right side as he started to undo the cuffs. He undid my right wrist then guided my arm down to drape around his shoulder. He repeated it with the other wrist. He helped me down with himself, laying down with me across him. I kept my arms wrapped around him and buried my face in his neck as a cried. We were laying the opposite direction of the pillows with our heads at the foot of the bed. He ran his fingers up my back, setting a fire on my still sensitive skin.

"Shhhhh" he soothed, "You made me feel so good baby." He whispered in my ear. He gently bit my earlobe and scraped his teeth across it. A small whimper of desperation escaped me. I hadn't failed him, I had given him what he wanted and that somehow rejuvenated the need in me. Kibum wasted no time flipping us so I was on my back with him between my legs, his body hovering over me. His eyes burned with a look I had never seen before, from him or any other man I'd been intimate with.

I ran my shaky hands down his chest, reaching the waistband of his sweatpants. I started to tug at them but my sore shoulders made the motion too difficult and I winced from the pain. "I need you!" I whined.

Kibum sat up, allowing full view of his glorious body in front of me. He pushed the sweats down freeing himself. "You did so good my little freak, you can relax, let me reward you." He rasped as he crawled back over me, now free of his last article of clothing. He trailed kisses up my stomach and as he reached my breasts he gently cupped them and feathered kisses over each of them. I felt his hot wet tongue lathe over one of my sensitive nipples and I arched into him. He repeated the action on the other, soothed the bud with the flat of his tongue, the nipple clamps having made them overly sensitive to the point I could feel my pulse throbbing in them. His hot tongue working over each of them sending heat straight to my already aching core. The frustration of having no relief making tears spring to my eyes again.

My whining fell on deaf ears, Kibum didn't rush, he knew relief was coming, he wanted to savor the moments leading up to our mutual demise. He resumed his slow languid kisses across my chest and up my neck, nipping at my earlobe again. His hips had settled between my legs now and he flexed them, running his member against my drenched folds. His face lingered just an inch away from mine, he had fisted his right hand in my hair at the base of my neck, not hard, just to remind me he was there and in control. The other arm caged around me supporting him. Noticing the tracks of tears that had began falling again he smiled to himself. "You made me feel so good baby, so powerful." Was all he said as he slowly leaned in to take my lips. They melded against mine, heated yet tender. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensations that overtook me.To finally feel his plush lips against mine was overhwelming. It was like a victory, feeling his lips on mine. After being denied for so long it felt good to have one thing I was craving. He swallowed the whimpers that escaped me, pulling me closer to him. The ache in my muscles, my hyper sensitive skin feeling every inch of his body on me. Using the last bit of strength I had I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He hovered over me for a moment taking in my fucked out form. Our eyes locking for a fleeting second as he lined himself up. He leaned in to close the distance between our lips again and as he did he slid into me, burying himself all the way in. I gasped into Kibum's passionate kiss and he swallowed my cries, I was so tightly wound from the edging that my body was ready to succumb to him. I bit his lip and knotted my hands in his hair as he set the tempo. Each thrust, the drag of his cock against my walls eliciting a moan of pleasure from me. I was wound so tight I was going to topple over any moment.

"Hold on baby, don't let go yet." He shifted, releasing my hair and reaching down to grab my leg, hooking it behind the knee. The new position letting him go deeper, hitting the very sensitive spot inside me over and over again. "Now baby, cum on my cock now" he took one of my swollen and sensitive nipples in his mouth and gently sucked as he pumped into me. My orgasm ripping through, making me see spots as I went lightheaded, like nothing I had ever experienced before. The words falling from my lips all praises for how good he made me feel. His release hit as soon as my walls clenched around him. His seed spilled into me, my pulsing pussy begging for him to fill it up. Once I was full it started spilled out but he didn't stop, he only fucked his cum deeper into me, aftershocks hitting both of us, the sensitivity almost unbearable but so, so delicious. He slowed his pace, allowing us to both come down from the ecstacy. He eased my leg down, keeping himself rooted inside of me, resting his forhead against mine as we both melted into each other.

"The moment you walked into that dress shop I wanted you" he brushed a lock of hair out of my sweaty face, our eyes locked on each other in the intimate embrace "I'm not letting you go my little freak."

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She was going to be sore when she woke up. I had made sure to take good care of her after lastnight to help ease as much of it as I could but theres no avoiding being sore after that. I had coaxed her to muster up enough strength to walk to my bedroom on the other side of the apartment and I made her soak in my tub and drink plenty of water....I may have joined her in the tub, but only to give her a well deserved massage...and maybe another climax as she leaned back into my arms, allowing me full access to tease her with my fingers.

I had given her an oversized t-shirt to sleep in and we curled up in bed, Comme Des and Garcon decided to leave the couch and join us.

This was new for me. I had partners before. I had plenty of people in my bed...or beds. That wasn't new, but this feeling i had inside was new.

I hadn't slept great in a long time but I slept so good with her by my side. I woke up to the sun beaming through the windows. Everyone else was still sound asleep. So I laid there, her nestled into me, watching her breathe, the dogs curled up against our legs I couldn't tell you how long I laid there taking the scene in. Time seemed to stand still and fly by at the same time. Soon she stirred and her eyes fluttered open. A grumpy groan escaped her.

"Ughhhhhhhh." She wrinkled her nose up and turned into my side "Can I sleep all day please?"

"I mean, I don't have any arguments about that but... I figured I could make brunch? You said you love breakfast food lastnight and I may be a pretty good cook if I say so myself....but I guess we can sleep instead" I pulled the covers up over us. Her stomach growled at the mention of food and immediately made her burst into laughter. Damnit I wanted her laugh imprinted forever on my mind.

"I think my stomach votes brunch" she peeked up at me while we were under the covers and I couldn't help but immediately rollover and kiss her. It was soft and tender and I lingered as long as possible. Wrapping my arm around her we melted together, that is until Comme Des and Garcon were roused awake by the movement under the covers and decided to bark at us.

"Fine! Fine! Daddy's getting up" I flipped the covers back to reveal their 2 fluffy faces staring at us and tails wagging with excitement at the opportunity to go outside. I told her to stay in bed a while longer while i took care of them and started cooking. She had quickly pulled the comforter back over her head in agreement.

I layed the breakfast spread on the table. It was a little American and a little Korean. I made a mental note to ask her what her favorite breakfast dishes were so I could make sure to have everything for next time....hm, I should probably ask her if she wants a next time first, right? I shook my head laughing at myself as I went to collect my little freak and tell her to come eat.

Thank you so much for reading! Figured I would share my brain rot with the rest of you lol SHINee is my ult group, Kibum is...whew, LOML? King of my heart? He truly has a hold on me like no other. I should really give yall a run down of all the groups I stan and my bias line up. Make a little "About the Author" sort of thing? Idk, I like it when other authors do that stuff, do y'all like that? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANYWHO! Thank you again for reading!

(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

#kim kibum #shinee #shinee smut #key shinee #key shinee smut #key smut #kim kibum smut #shinee key smut

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oingo233 · 4 years ago

Text

You Are Beautiful (1)

Summary: Sirius Black was entranced since the moment he saw you. He had to have you but you are convinced his feelings are fleeting, and will only hurt you. People inside and outside of your relationship meddle in the makings of something that could be beautiful... or disastrous. Will love and confidence win? Or will doubt and uncertainty tear you both down?

Young Sirius Black x Pus SizedFemReader

Warning: one inappropriate joke lol, fluff I suppose and nothing else really. All the real stuff comes later :0

Authors note: I mostly write my xreader fics as neutral but as this is a request, I wrote this as fem. But if anyone would like a male version or neutral version let me know and I will copy this but obviously change readers gender (and it's no burden to me I'd love to make more readers feel included and represented). Also reader is plus sized and she is confident and strong throughout the fic -because plus sized characters aren't represented like that in film/books alot (but if looking for amazing and empowering plus sized female characters Nina Zenik from Six of Crows owns my entire heart and changed how I saw myself personally and I would recommend that book for anyone really)- but as any human she has her insecurities because beauty standards are unattainable and have a way excluding so many people and making us feel less than beautiful. As a plus sized/overweight person myself, I understand how we have to fight to feel beautiful and fight this internalized bias we have when we look in the mirror. But WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE WORTHY OF MAGAZINGE COVERS AND COMPLIMENTS AND ABOVE ALL SELF LOVE!! The self insert character in this has fought for her confidence, but it will shake and stumble throughout the series and Sirius and friends are there for her to help her realize for herself how beautiful she truly is, once again. So I hope I didn't stray too far from the request :) Enjoy....

Word Count: 1.8

Authors Note: About halfway through I decided to make it a series oops-

****Blabbering Idiot****

Sirius Black is a man of many, many words. In fact, I'm sure if he was writing this he could quickly turn it into one of the most entertaining novels ever written. He'd describe the laughter of his friends for a whole page. Tell a hilarious joke on the next. Then he'd describe the wind blowing through the open halls and courtyard and the spring sun. He could write about a great many things in great detail. (But he wouldn't because he doesn't quite enjoy writing as much as he does anything else, but that's above the point.)

As I said, Sirius Black is a man of many words. So it was such a curious thing when he first saw you. It was an astounding thing really, because for the first time he found something that rendered him completely speechless.

The sun was peeking through the open corridor and pooled onto you, caressing your skin and hair in an ethereal glow. Highlighting curves that brought both sinful and sweet thoughts running through him. It was as if the universe was telling him, look at what we've created, look at this beautiful creature. But he could hardly believe that this world could create something so lovely and kind. You threw your head back in laughter at something your friend said and suddenly the world is back to normal and all he can hear is your laughter and the sound of his friends curiosity at what could have possibly kept him from the conversation about muggle rock compared to Wizard bands. In fact, James was so passionate about it half the hall turned to listen to his rendition of The Chain by Fleetwood Mac.

But he didn't care, he took a feeble step towards you and suddenly felt so nervous his hands began to sweat. He stuttered and coughed up his words just for a simple "hello" in your direction only for the wind blowing through the halls to carry it away. And his friends laughed at him as he watched you walk too far from where he wanted you. Because, oh did he want you.

Sirus POV:

"I'm telling you, I won't be able to sleep tonight unless I know who she is," Sirius says for not the first time that evening. James started to laugh.

"Why? Because you'll be too busy thinking of her?" James said, laughing as he made a very suggestive hand motion. Peter cackled and Remus rolled his eyes, trying to find the cleaner side of his humor but instead he couldn't help but snort. Sirius pushed James's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm sure Lily would love to know how familiar with that feeling you are," Sirius says and James stopped laughing immediately, his eyes narrowed.

"Please, you wouldn't dare. And I will deny all accusations, you'll be made out to be a liar. Then the mystery girl will never love you. Is that what you want, Pads?" James joked with a single arch of his brow. Sirius just rolled his eyes. He was only half paying attention, he has been scouring the hallways since he first saw that girl. He wanted to speak to her again, or maybe just stare for a bit. If things went well, he'd be able to do both those things on a date. But he hasn't seen her since that morning and his heart felt oddly shallow. He wanted those butterflies he had when looking at her to come back and overwhelm him again.

"What'll it matter if I don't even know who she is? Or- or if I can't talk to her? No one falls in love with a blabbering idiot," Sirius says. Remus shrugs.

"Lily fell in love with James," he says, Peter laughed again.

"Yeah, regardless of what he does at night," Peter added and now both James and Sirius were rolling their eyes. James and Lily just recently stopped denying their feelings for one another and gave into the sexual tension and mutual pining. Their relationship was still fairly new but they act as if they've been together for years. Sirius supposed that in a way, they have been.

Sirius would watch them giggling, hand and hand in the hall. He'd see them cuddling in the common room, or coming back after dates with rosy cheeks and beaming smiles. Sirius would never admit it out loud, but his heart cried out when he saw them like that. He rarely ever felt lonely. He could have any girl or boy he wanted if he really tried, but for what? One fun night? Only for one more morning where he wakes up alone? He wanted more than that whenever he saw Lily and James, their happiness was palpable. Their love was suffocating.

Sirius always thought he'd find the one after Hogwarts, if at all. But when he saw her... well that changed everything. In a flash he saw himself with her, their hands intertwined and her head thrown back in laughter. Rosy cheeks and bruised lips. Warm beds and making love... being in love. He nearly felt silly after and yet, he knew that even if he did sleep tonight, it would be her he'd dream of.

"Ello' guys!" Lily said, bouncing up to James who kissed her cheek. They walked with their arms looped and Sirius glared at the easy sign of affection. He thought of his parents, how they would be stiff with one another except for in quiet moments, when he'd pass through a hall and glance into their room. He'd spot a quick kiss on the cheek, and soft squeeze of the hand. It were those odd moments for him, that struck him so strongly with a sharp bitterness. They don't deserve softness and love, he'd think, how can such cruel creatures even feel such things? But even then, he'd walk away seeing them as still awful creatures born from the depths of hell, but more human.

"That's her," Sirius whispered so quietly Remus almost didn't hear it. In fact, Sirius didn’t think Remus heard it at all, but it was rather his look of longing towards the Great Hall entrance that gave him away. Because standing right there, was you.

Your hair was a little wind blown, messy around your face, bits of iit shaped your round cheeks and soft eyes. Sirius eyed you up and down and cursed clothes and cursed shyness and cursed his own head for thinking he could even talk to you. But most of all, he cursed a group of boys who walked past you.

Sirius was a confident boy, he knew how to spot someone who held their head up just as high as he did, and you were very much one of those people. You were giggling as you stole a biscuit from a friend and popped it into your mouth, you covered your mouth as you laughed when they complained with a little smile of their own.

"It's just so yummy, and I haven't eaten since breakfast." He heard you say, your friend just shook his head and handed you a plate as you sat down next to him. But right before you could get comfortable a sneering group of boys stole a piece of food from your hand and said something rather rude.

Sirius didn't even realize he had been walking towards you, this girl he has never even spoken too, yet thought of so endearingly, until he was standing right before the boys and had the pack leaders wrist firmly in his grip.

"Drop it boy, c'mon, drop it," he teased. It was humiliating for the boy and he knew it by the laughing and sneering others directed towards the group of boys, but Sirius did not care. The boy dropped the biscuit and looked as if his tail was tucked into his legs. "Good boy," he said, ruffling his hair until it was a knotted mess, the boy winced at just how hard Sirius dug his knuckles into his scalp, Sirius relented with a satisfied smirk.

Sirius’s voice took on a much harsher tone, "Now scram." The boys were out of their seats and in new ones within seconds.

Sirius felt his mood shift completely once they left, because now all eyes were on him, yours included. He looked up at you rather shyly, his hair falling in strands over his forehead. He tucked it behind his ear and found some confidence in the way your eyes followed the movement and how you blushed. He gave you his best smile, hoping his charm wasn't as weak as his legs felt at that moment.

"Hello, I'm Sirius... Sirius Black." Then, like an idiot he put his hand out for you to shake, what charmer just shakes the ladies hand? He stopped belittling himself the moment you softly placed your hand in his.

"It's nice to meet you, Sirius, and thanks for helping me. I know how to handle those filthy 'dogs'" you said, smiling as you remembered the way he spoke to them, he chuckled. "But I suppose it's nice not always having to," you finished with a bright smile on your face. He felt his own cheeks heat up and he nodded but could not think of anything better to say.

"Name," he said, you raised your brows. He cleared his throat, "your name?"

"Oh, how rude of me," you said and then you laughed, that same laugh that caught his attention and has yet to let go. "I'm (y/n) (y/l/n)."

"Nice to meet you," he said, it was as if he couldn't feel the appalled stares of your friends because all he could see was the blush on your cheeks and your head thrown back in laughter. He swallowed thickly before making his way back to his friends. They all wore raised brows and smirks, and he knew they were about to bite into him.

"Treating them like dogs, really? A bit ironic don't you think," Lily said, James shrugged

"That's why it was so good," he said, high fiving Sirius.

"But it admittedly went downhill from there," Peter was sure to add, just like Sirius knew one of them would. Sirius just laughed, too elated to finally know who you were.

"Don't start," he said, but it was too late.

All in union they sputtered out the lame word that will plague Sirius' memory of that moment forever, "Name?"

They cackled at him and ruffled his hair all the way to their seats, but Sirius knew they were pleased for him. And Sirius didn't mind, he could feel the pretty eyes of a pretty girl following him across the room. If only someone told him how important she would become to him, maybe he would have looked back at her and never looked away.

Taglist <3

@enchantedblackrose

#sirius black #sirius black fanfiction #sirius black angst #sirius black fluff #sirius black x y/n #sirius black x reader #young sirius x reader #young sirius black #young sirius imagine #harry potter fandom #the marauders #plus sized reader #sirius black x plus sized reader

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