#you couldn’t pay me to rewatch this film in a theater

[tooturtly]

Just watched Nosferatu, and I’ve heard a lot of things. But oh boy did nobody warn me that it was a bad film (in my opinion)!!!!!!

Here’s me ranting bc I have so many thoughts:

1. The costumes and set, the DESIGN that went into this film were all gorgeous, but they did nothing for the story. The costumes and set did not convey the story of the characters

2. The environment also did not play a role in the story of the film despite being used visually. Why use beautiful vistas and the grandiose aspects of nature if you’re not gonna fucking use them for anything other than “here’s something nice to look at!” (Especially when you’re set in the FUCKING ROMANTIC ERA!! Come on!)

3. The plot (oh boy the fucking plot), of which there were three? There were too many plots. This film did not know what it’s point was.

Was it about forbidden desire? (I don’t think so) if it was it didn’t say anything with it. What was the point? What was the message? That forbidden desire is something you must sacrifice for?

This film wanted to be about desire and then someone (the director?) made the choice to make vampires unsexy??? For a film where one of the plots was about sex and desire, it was shockingly uninterested in sex and desire??? It was so committed to being unsexy? Where the vampire is literally called by her desire to exist and yet, there’s nothing? What is happening!

4. Sexism. I thought, considering the setting and the new focus on the woman (idk her name, idk anybody’s names, the Mina Harker stand in), they would address the sexism of the period??? But no! They even discuss hysteria!! Melancholy! They tie her to the ficking bed and it GOES NOWHERE!!!

5. The dialogue. This film is so over exaggerated, it could be so stylistic, the dialogue certainly is. and yet it plays itself so serious, so straight. How can anybody say “I’ve seen things that would make Isaac Newton crawl back into his mothers womb” and not even a little bit acknowledge that it’s a crazy thing to say??? If you acknowledged that this man was a little off his rocker it could work! But no! The audience in the theater laughed!! Multiple times when the tone of the film was very clearly supposed to be serious! But it was funny!!

5a. See Thomas laying flat on his face after his first night in the castle (laughter). Or like, plenty of the buckwild lines. I’m gonna have to go to Reddit to find a proper list some day bc there’s some real gems.

6. Lily Rose Depps performance. It’s so intense. She’s going at a ten when everyone else is acting very subtly, with really great subtle expressions that convey what they’re feeling. And then she’s shouting half her dialogue, with very little build in intensity or time to build up. It made it hard to tell how I was supposed to interpret what she was feeling. Did she really love Thomas? Was she truly afraid of Orlock? What was happening?

7. Pacing. There’d be one incredibly intense, chaotic, horrifying and emotional scene, and then it would cut to Frederick and the two doctors just standing around talking!!! Where does your carefully built tension and suspense go!!!!! For a film highlighting the experiences of a woman, it sure doesn’t spend a lot of time showing us what she’s thinking!!! Or doing! Or feeling!!!

This film dragged. The first half was too long, the second half was unfocused. I could go into the cutting room with this film and take half an hour out and I guarantee you wouldn’t notice. Defoe’s character could be folded into the other doctor and no changes would be necessary. Why is Knock in the later half? What does he add to the story to begin with? (Nothing)

Especially when you consider that it’s totally normal to assume everyone is somewhat familiar with the story of Dracula. You do not have to reinvent the wheel!! You can cut stuff! We do not need Thomas spending so much time in the Castle! Or with the nuns! Or Frederick! (Speaking of, what happened to the money and debt subplot?) we don’t need them. Give me more of what’s her faces story! (Is it Tulla? Helen? Something with an L?)

8. Dracula’s castle: as a modern audience, we know Dracula is evil. Thomas does not need an extended scene of being told Dracula is evil. We do not need him in this house of horrors. It might actually be MORE horrifying if we don’t see it, if we guess! He doesn’t know what’s happening, he’s being violated! And we don’t know either! Just cut it bc it does nothing to the plot after the contract is signed. If you need a reason somebody in this story can kill a vampire, give it to Defoes character.

9. I have seen other films do these same themes and ideas, this exact story even, and I have seen it done better. Hell, I’m a massive fan of Bram Stoker’s Dracula from 1996 with Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves. It does the same story in a very campy, silly, seductive manner. But because it knows what it is, because it knows what tone and story it’s going for, because it does not take itself too seriously, I can actually get into it! I can vibe! I can have fun! I can see what it’s going for and appreciate it!!! But no! Count Orlock’s stuttering drawl has no place in this film! It does not fit stylistically! The “sexy” scenes, the need for Mina to sacrifice herself in a way, it doesn’t work the same!

I think this is what makes me so mad!!!!!!!! It’s similar to how I felt after watching Bullet Train. A well done, we’ll executed movie which very clearly had talented artistic people working on it, but without a soul. A film that has taken better movies and ground them up into a paste to spit back out at me. A film without anything to say. A hollow shell of shots and cuts and dialogue that doesn’t actually add up to a story.

[rings-of-power-realm]

10 star reviews about The Rings of Power 💚

The first season isn't even finished yet and already I have recommended this show to friends and family more than any previous media. Every episode so far (5 released) have surpassed my expectations, which were fairly high going in. As someone who has read all of Tolkien's published works (some more than I'd care to admit), anyone saying that "Tolkien is turning in his grave" has absolutely no idea what they're talking about. It was always going to be walking a thin line between creative choices and already established canon, but I can see, so far anyway, that they have absolutely aced it. If the show continues to be as great as it has thus far, I can see this being one of the all time great masterpieces of TV history, and for many years to come. It's incredibly rare that I won't have criticisms of some kind, especially for something I am passionate about, and the only criticism I have of the Rings of Power is that I can't listen to the sound track 24 hours a day, because I have to sleep at some stage. Bear McCreary has written a masterpiece worthy of being pinned up on the wall with Howard Shore's work from the Lord of the Rings.

                                                         🧝

Don't listen to the negative reviews. Some people have an idea of what something should be in their own mind. I too have read mostly all of Tolkien's books. You form a world in your mind from those words. It's yours it's personal. This show is Magnificent. It's a big bold dive into Middle Earth. Beautifully filmed and acted. The first too episodes are structured in a way to set a scene for the multiple storylines for multiple characters which as the series progresses will merge in to one common fight against the darkness. It's absolutely fantastic and if you don't watch it because of someone's snobby 1/10 then you will be missing out.   

                                                        🧙‍♂️

I can't believe people who are giving this such negative reviews. Who cares if it's not the way you think it should be portrayed because of your version of what you think you read from his original works. It is fantastically entertaining, incredibly well shot and produced, and while the story lines were slow to get rolling, and I don't necessarily think that some of the characters lineup with how they were portrayed in the Lord of the Rings movies later, it really doesn't matter. These are NEW. I can't wait for each episode to come out, I look forward to watching these every week, and I would love to be able to see all of them in the theater. The first two we saw through a free preview, and I wish I could watch every single episode on a huge screen! Enjoy them for what they are.

                                                          🏹

This is the first prequel I have ever seen that was not a disappointment. I love the acting, the faithfulness to Tolkien's vision, the use of reworked ideas/themes/dialogue from the Lord of the Rings, and the compelling worldbuilding. It is important to remember that this is an interpretation, not an adaptation, as this story is based on timelines in the Appendices to LOTR and not on Tolkien stories. Therefore, the showrunners had to invent story arcs and characters to flesh out the story. If they had note done this, then the show would be boring and empty. They did a great job filling in the gaps and told a story that I have already rewatched many times.

                                                         🧝🏿‍♂️

I almost didn't watch because of other reviews but I've learned to not even pay much attention to them. This feels just like Lord of the Rings to me. It could actually be its own movie. The acting is great, the scenery and graphics are amazing. I've been hooked and entertained since the first episode! Can't wait to see more.

                                                         🗡️

I was putting off watching this for a while but one night I couldn't find anything to watch and I put this on and now I'm glad I did. It's the first thing I look forward to after a long day of work. I think the plot is fantastic. I read a review that said they didn't know where the plot was going but how can you not? It's very easy to follow. I'm in love with the series already.

I am blown away by the quality of this production. There is nothing like it. Although it is not an original story written by JRR Tolkien, it is an interesting one; an important backstory.

Although the story unfolds slowly, like in most series, it has a decent amount of action and suspense. Watch it and indulge yourself in Middle Earth. And about all the criticism... This is my take: To me, there are two Middle Earths. (1) The original one that you have imagined when reading the books. (2) The world created by John Howe, Alan Lee, Peter Jackson, make-up artists, actors, etc., etc. This series fits right into the later one and does it justice.

                                                       🍂

Don't believe those fools who are giving bad ratings and negative reviews. I don't know why so much hate for this show. I'm so obsessed with this show right now and have watched all the six episodes non-stop and wanting more soooo badly. I mean the acting, the scenes, the dialogues and above all the VFX are soooo beautiful put together that will make your mind blown by this masterpiece. I've really enjoyed and didn't look away for a second while watching. It really took me to the place where I couldn't have imagine in my dreams. Please guys stop giving the bad ratings and reviews to a show like this one. This show deserve all the love and not the hate. We all should appreciate the work and efforts put in this show.

                                                        🔮

I think this prequel was beautifully done. The visuals are stunning, and story is excellent. There is a very satisfying last episode of season 1. I'm excited to see more. I had no problem adjusting and accepting the younger version of known characters, specifically Galadriel and Elrond. I think the acting and writing felt true to Middle Earth. I'm a fan of the books (Hobbit, LotR and The Silmarillian) which I read before the movies were released. I'm thrilled to have new Tolkien inspired material even if it's from the imagination of someone else, it is brilliant and a wonderful addition to the Middle Earth lore. There seem to be too many of the instant gratification society who were too impatient to wait for the payoff. Looking at the dates of many of the reviews is frustrating seeing that people couldn't reserve judgement until 10/14 after the season could be viewed as a whole. People have become to used to being able to binge a new show in a few days and not have to wait and dwell over what might happen and the new information presented in each episode. It has been exciting to see it unfold week by week. I'm glad for the return to this method of releasing a new series.                                                

Link to the 10 star reviews🍄

[popculturebuffet]

Mission Hill Review: Plan 9 From Mission Hill or I Married a Gay Man From Outer Space!

Commission for @weirdkev27​. Hallowen Havoc marches on! For my first commission ever, I take a look at the cult classic mission hill’s final produced episode and one of it’s most loved. Kevin’s visit to an x rated movie pays off less with boobs and more with a friendship with his elderly gay neighbor and film buff wally and a new appreciation for cinema, only for this new friendship to nearly end over Kevin’s good natured attempt to spotlight Wally’s only film, the man from pluto. Gay spaceman, a touching gay love story, and a surprisingly likeable guy with a neckbeard insue. Spoilers and full recap FROM PLUTO, under the cut. 

Well this was a nice suprise. After the utterly draining process of my review of “Let’s Get Dangerous”, it was a nice suprise to find out one of my handful of fans had tried to comission me a while back and I hadn’t realized it, and I was happy to oblige him. I was even happier when I found out what his commission was: Plan 9 From Mission HIll, an episode i’d planned to cover for pride but got squeezed out due to how little i’d planned the month out in advance, a lesson I still REALLY need to learn. Regardless not only was it a nice, funny, and heartwarming ep to cover after the sheer amount of analysis and recapping the last one took, I realized it ended up fitting the spooky season, as there’s just as much fun to be had in truly fantastic horror movies like “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Get Out”, “Child’s Play”, “Tales from the Hood” and “The Thing” as there is from so bad it’s great horror films like “House (The Japanese one), C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud, Terror Toons and House Shark. Seriously watch House Shark i’ts hilarious. Hell I fully plan on watching the Gary Busey film Hider in the House tomorrow. I mean it’s a film about hollywood’s favorite nutball  living in the walls and attic of someone’s house. What’s not to love? Maybe it might be entirely boring but that’s the risk you sometimes take to find so bad it’s gold filmaking. Plus cheeestastic films like these are the reason we have the classsic and incomprable mystery science theater 3000 and it’s succesor rifftrax. So while I need to watch more of them, I have a spot in my likely overtaxed heart for this kind of film, and as a result this episode resonated with me on rewatch in a way it didn’t the first time around, even if it was still my faviorite. 

Backing up a bit as usual I like to give my history with a show first time covering it: Mission HIll was one of a handful of shows picked up by Adult Swim in it’s early days. Since most of Adult Swim’s early originals were 11 minutes at a time when this was still a new and radical thing they were doing having 11 minute shows that weren’t sold as half hour pairs of 11 minute episodes, they likely needed more shows to fill up the air and clevelry simply bought the rights to several shows that had only had one season, along with Family Guy and Futurama which as history would bear out both made the shows into huge names in the animation industry but brought both back.. though in Family Guy’s case sometimes dead is better. Point is, several shows got a second life thanks to Cartoon Network if sadly not more seasons, with the sole exception of the utter classic Home Movies which I really need to talk about at some point, and thus are really more associated with Adult Swim than their original networks. Hell before doing this review I genuinely didn’t know what Mission HIll’s original networks. But now you know the framework this show came out in what IS Mission Hill anyway? 

MIssion Hill was a cartoon from the wonderful brains of Bill Oakely and Josh Weinstein, no relation to the MST3K one who due to this confusion now goes by J. Elvis Weinstein instead, who showran the simpsons and did some great episodes, my faviorte of there’s being $pringfield, aka the casino one. 

The show was about Andy, a 24 year old slacker whose happily lazing about after college in his loft with his friends Jim, a stoic but friendly stoner played by Brian Posehn, and Posey, a sensitive hippie. However when he goes to pickup his childhood dog he ends up with an unexpected roomate: His nerdy, sheltered and neurotic brother Kevin, who has a love of sci fi, a type a personality and a habit of going bling blong to focus when studying or just whenever. He’s also voiced by future robin and future psychopath claming to be robin Scott Mellinville. Also in the building are Carlos and Natalie, an unemployed artist and college professor and their baby Nameless.  I forgot they existed.  And of course saving the best for last we have the brother’s neighbors, and a very early gay couple for animated television Wally and Gus, played by the legendary Tom Kenny and Nick Jameson who hasn’t done much of note but does a great job anyway. Wally is a fastudious, Gus is angry and very brooklyn, but the two genuinely love each other, makeout frequently, with their first showing off the two as a gay couple, and are an adorable but very beliviable couple. It’s part of WHY I wanted to spotlight them. The late 90′s/early 2000′s, the show originally aired in 99 and into 2000 and aired on adult swim in the early 2000 for the curious, were not a great time to be gay in animation with most gay characters used as punchlines and hardly any queer stories. Not only that but just a year earlier will and grace had to have one overly camp chracter and one “regular” gay character in order to get made. Granted that show has it’s issues but still, the point stands having a gay couple that plays fairly realistically, is shown to both be sexually active and love each other and who’ve been together for decades was a hell of a step for a medium where Family Guy around the same time had a joke with the punchline “Whoa transvestite back off!” Granted Family Guy would do far worse to both the gay and trans communities, but we’ll get to that someday. Or sooner if you commission me, but I swear if you do I will pull a gary busey on your house. Point is not only is it INCREIDBLY forward for it’s time but it holds up even now. There’s a reason the creators are working on a spinoff/revivial focused on the two and a reason these two tend to be one of the most talked about elements of the show. That and frankly their hilarious having realistic banter.. and also having one episode where Gus has a knife in his head for a whole episode. It helps that this episode, their spotlight one and the last one produced, is also one fo the series best. So with all that build up let’s take a look shall we? 

We open with Kevin passing a theater showing x rated movies and are shown, over a bunch of times of him passing it him condeming it publicly but his tone clearly telegraphing the classic battle between a teenage boy and his dick. Dick wins and Kevin heads inside and gives us... this. 

.... If you will excuse me, please enjoy the musical stylings of the late great Zorak while I go shower the “EeEEEEEEUUUUGGggggggHHHhhuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhewwwwuuuuugggghhhhggooooodddddddwwwyyyyyy” off me. 

God rest his soul. Okay i’m good now. Thankfully this isn’t an episode about Kevin getting addicted to x-rated theater, and they already did an episode about him masturbating. No really it actually had a good message as Kevin was so embarassed about the incident, he nearly let two other guys, granted not remotley good people who were stealing from there anyway, take the fall. Andy even ends up giving a great speech coming to his defense

“People, you mock this boy, but it's your fault he's here today. Your hypocrisy has made this boy a prisoner, terrified of his own sexuality. So much so that he'd rather send two relatively-innocent men to prison than admit he looks at pornography! He thinks his natural urges are filthy and perverted, and why? Because of your conspiracy of silence! Nobody dares admit the truth - that you're all just like him!”

IT’s a damn good moment and a good message. That sadly is still relevant as America still views sex as worse than violence for some weird reason. At least he has the internet now. Anywho when Kevin goes to see what’s up he runs into Wally who explains the confusion: He’s just showing old “X-Rated films”. Now some of you are probably wondering “Wait non-porn films used to use that?” Or “Wait what’s an x-rating?” Well while I knew some films did used to do that I was honestly curious myself as to why it was retired and why porn films got to use it and took a quick hop to google to find out reading both the wikipedia article for the rating and this vulture article on the subject to get a slightly deeper look at it. 

It’s actually quite intresting as I genuinelly also didn’t know when the MPAA ratings started for films: When the rating’s board started in 1968 there were four raitings: G, GP (Later flipped to PG), R and X. X was the modern equivlent of today’s R really, and films like Last Tango in Paris, Midnight Cowboy and a Clockwork Orange, with Orange even having a poster up at the cinema in this episode and Midnight Cowboy being part of the plot very soon. We’ll get to that in the moment. Point is it allowed filmakers to push the envelope break barriers all that good stuff and makes me curious about those very films, which is a good thing as i’ll admit to not being exactly a film buff.  But as Kevin’s confusion here shows, eventually the porn industry took a hold of it, using the X as a way to get sex movies into regular cinemas and have an air of legitimacy, hence why Debbie Does Dallas was a mainstream hit.. and yes that’s an actual film that I only know about thanks to I Love the 70′s. If your wondering why the MPAA just couldn’t you know, tell them to know or why they didn’t take over other ratings it turns out for some weird reason why the G and R ratings were owned by them, and later PG , they forgot to trademark X and by the time they even thought of it it was too late. Hence terms like XXX rated and what not or the ungodly stupid XXX porn parodies. Just.. just give them actual names and slap “A porn parody” ont he end if you want to avoid a lawsuit.  Naturally the film industry struck back and X soon went from a way to have daring, interesting films.. to basically a threat by the MPAA that your film wouldn’t be carried by any major distributors if it had one, with Dawn of the Dead having to just go unrated just to get distributed. The 80′s brought the killing stroke: With the rise of big theater chains, mall theaters with restrictions I wasn’t aware of, and big home video outlets like blockbuster that didn’t carry porn, the x rating was well and truly dead and the MPAA lukewarmly added NC-17 which serves the same bullshit purpose as theaters still refuse to carry them and the MPAA still uses it for essenitally the same reason. Nothing changed! If your wondering why people sometimes have problems with the MPAA, yeah there’s your answer, as they could’ve campaigned harder for NC-17 but clearly enjoyed having a raiting to hold over films heads. 

So yeah if you don’t know, know you know bud, let’s move on. So yeah Wally explains the confusion and decides to educate Kevin on film by showing him Midnight Cowboy, with John Voight “Before his head looked like a radish” and Dustin Hoffman. Also Andy brings up Sphere.. a film I also know nothing about. Hang on... checking Letterboxd and okay. It’s a Dustin Hoffman starring Sci-Fi film about a research team investigating a mysterious sphere at the bottom of the sea. Huh.. I prefer Cube myself but to each his own.  But once Kevin clams up he really enjoys it. Will grant the episode lays it on a tad thick, with Kevin comparing the film to , of all things, Armageddon. I mean I get MIcheal Bay is a good metric for crowd pleasing schlock but still, even nerds have standards. My standards aren’t very high at times mind as I still want to watch this sometime today. 

But I still think even awkward teens have better standards. Then again one of my faviorite films at the time was Saving Silverman which while I can’t hate it due to nostalgia , having watched it from 5th grade well into my teens, I can see was not very good. Though it did have R. Lee Ermy being both really funny and turning out to be gay so that was awesome. 

And he does make a good point that heroes like Ratzzo Rizzo don’t go well on Taco Bell cups.. though it also feels weird to me in 2020 where while not big sellers films with deep stories and unlikeable heroes are some of the biggest on tv and one of them was one of the greatest animated series of the last decade, so things must’ve been pretty damn bleak in 1999. The two also run into Gus who wants dinner and a fight ensues between the couple about the fact Gus owns a restraunt, could just bring his lunch etc. It’s hilarious and as I said I like how they feel like a couple you’d meet in real life. Sadly I don’t have an elderly gay couple in my neighborhood but here’s hoping. Or maybe i’ll be the neighborhoods wally when I grow up who knows. Also Tom Kenny’s delivery is great. 

Kevin later relays his fun day to his loftmates, with Andy expressing genuine suprise at Wally’s job and love of art house cinema, as none of them knew what he actually did. Andy’s genuinely shocked and mildly appalled they’ve lived near Wally for so long but having no idea what he does.. but really I had a sweet old lady, Delores who lived next to me for almost my entire life before she moved to be closer to her family, visited her house frequently pet her cats, went to her house after school at one point.. and I cannot tell you what he did, so it’s incredibly relatable. However in a scene that’s both hilarious but also really, really sweet, the three relate that they do know him well and due to being neighbors after all and know Gus and Wally’s morning routine: They wake up at 8, Wally brews the Coffee, Gus reads him the funnies, then they shower together while singing college fight songs, and then, with Jim saying this part so picture it in Brian Posehn’s voice please you won’t regret it, argue or have gay sex and then it’s off to work. It’s really sweet, both in showing off their well worn dynamic with each other, and the fact that the loftmates really DO know these two even if they dont’ know everything and they are close in their own way. Kevin can only give out a “Hm” in response... which is probably the closest he can get to saying touche without breaking into nerdy giggles. 

Cue the good times montage as Wally introduces Kevin to Ingmar Bergman, who I have heard of even if i’ve never seen any of them, and some director I never heard of who made old timey comedies apparently. IT’s a really nice sequence. Kevin also shows 2001: A Space Oddesy to his friends, who are bored to tears by it while Kevin’s enraptured. Which I would say was another heavy-handed swipe at late 90′s cinema but being a teen myself who had mostly watched things like Star Wars, I did not gel with 2001 and need to rematch it at some point, so I totally relate to his friends utter boredom and confusion with it given it’s rep. It’s a visually stunning film. I will however stand by not liking Star Trek: The Motion Picture, as that film TRIES to be 2001 but is instead just really, REALLY boring. 

But naturally things can be entirely good natured bonding between an elderly gay man and , as Wally puts it in the best line of the episode “The son god never wanted me to have”, as Kevin notices a film coming up that Wally apparently made, and looks to star gus. Wally panics and shoos his young protégé away... which yeah he could’ve just you know told him he doesn’t like the film or anything else and prevented this episode but then we wouldn’t of seen the gay equilvent of plan 9 from outer space so fair enough. 

At the Gus’ Diner, the loftmates and their neighbors I mentioned earlier look over the poster, and we find out from Gus that that is him, and he starred in a movie.. and naturally Wally explained never showing it to his husband in the simplest way possible: By claming a shark ate it. You know while I watched the show I didn’t quite get it when I was younger and it’s probably why it took me decades to revisit it.. but I wish I had sooner this show is REALLY damn funny and i’m really looking forward to that spinoff with Wally and Gus. 

Wally continues to dodge Kevin, so Kevin, trying to find info about the film and it being lost, goes to the video store.. back when those existed. Something I have to give the show is honestly the use of vhs, visits to video stores, and the movies Kevin mentions are the only things that really date this film. While swapping another Dustin Hoffman film in proved impossible, it is plausible Kevin would see it streaming somewhere. and it’s easy enough to swap Armageddon for Rise of Skywalker given that film’s just as good.. Last Jedi was excellent though. Point is this story REALLY holds up, which is the sign of a good story: where even if some elements are stamped to the time, the story itself could easily be told again with few changes. It’s also why i’m not AGAINST Reboots, as my coverage of ducktales makes obvious: As long as stories can still be told or you can retell a story in a unique and intresting way, it’s fine to reuse something. I do think hollywood overdoes it, but I’ve never thought there was genuine harm in it or reviving old franchises. It’s all in how you do it.  But yeah while the local video store dosen’t help at all, Andy happens to know just the man for the job, though Jim and Posey nope out of going with them. Also something to note is the series animation: It’s animated like an old 30′s cartoon or a comic strip, modernized a bit in color and realisim, but still having comic strip stuff like shaking head lines, heat lines coming off coffee that sort of thing.  I really love it. 

Anyways the brothers head off to a funky out of the way video store, I wish there were more hole in the wall used media stores where I lived. We mostly have chains like Vintage Stock and Half-Priced Books, though I genuinely love both of those stores and VIntage Stock is the modern equilvent of places like blockbuster honestly. Anyway after Beardo confuses Kevin for an Employee kevin asks him about the man from pluto which Beardo reveals he knows about but is very rare and has few prints. I like Beardo.. he’s a neckbeard who seems more liable to complain abotu some reboot on the fact their rebooting it again rather than “gasp” women are involved. I prefer my neckbeards just a tad pretentious rather than you know, sexist, homophobic, deranged assholes with nothing better to do. I mean i’m still living at home and didn’t get out much before the pandemic either but you dont’ see me bitching every time a franchise gets a female lead. 

Anyway, Kevin is inspired by that and with help from everyone gets the word out about the film. As you’d expect though this can’t end well, as Wally tries avoiding the premire entirely (And we get a great bit where Jim happens to see him trying to flee down the fire escape and Wally’s expression is priceless) 

Huh.. I bet that’s what Rob Reiner when North had it’s premire. As you can probably guess the showing dosen’t go well: The film itself is a hilarious combination of the day the earth stood still (the general plot as we’ll find out more in a second) and Plan 9 From Outer Space (A cheestatic no budget film with a hulking man brute who can’t act as the lead), and in catching the feel of a b-movie it’s utterly perfectly done. This film would go perfect on MST3K and the audience’s howls of laughter agrees with me. 

Wally however is utterly humiliated and doesn’t want to speak to Kevin which.. yeah is about the only issue I have with an otherwise marvelous episode. While I get Wally’s humiliation was Kevin’s fault.. Kevin GENUINELY meant well. While Kevin is book smart at his core he’s a dumb kid who didn’t know any better and didn’t realize Wally hated his film and it’s Wally’s own damn fault for not telling him.  Sure Kevin should’ve picked up the hint, but given the kid is oblivious and didn’t even know what an x raiting is it’s clear he’s not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to life experince. Wally had every opportunity to just explain his story but didn’t. And I put most of the blame on Wally when he’s you know, the adult. He’s a 60 or so year old man. He should know better. But it really doesn’t take away from the episode entirely.  But the loftmates clearly love the film and are quoting bits from it, with jim having a fishbowl on his head, when they run into Wally, though Wally is fine with them admitting it’s crap and he knows it is. We then get what REALLY makes the episode and really makes me primed for a spinoff: Wally and Gus’ backstory, which also makes it obvious the crew was probably going to use the two more had the series got another season. 

Anyways it was the 50′s, Archie Andrews was an average teen and not shredded both in muscle and by a bear that one time, Fonzie was out and about and eyying, and Wally was a first unit director given a shot as the studio asked him for a script having utter faith in him. HIs script was a day the earth stood still esque parable on the Cold War.. until he met Gus who, naturally for Gus, was outrunning a ton of police having stumbled on set and likely defeated them all bare handed because Gus is as incredible as the hulk and likely also comes back through a glowing green door when he dies.  So Wally made the tragic mistake of mixing his love life with his career, and lost both Kurt Douglas, who he bumped down from lead for Gus, and Charleton Hesston who just walked off and they got a dinkier stage and worse actors as a result. The resulting film ended Wally’s career but he was able to sell the rights to cinemas to make enough for them to start over in mission hill and buy the diner.. and at least they had each other. It’s a really great story that explains why it upsets Wally so much: This was his baby and while he dosen’t even for one second regret meeting gus or the life they’ve had, he regrets that his one film was a total trainwreck and goes off to the theater to mope as he plays his film for laughing crowds, as it was naturally held over. I mean when you get the next plan 9 from outer space, this was a bit before the room mind you, you hold onto that shit. 

Kevin, who heard the whole thing, goes to mope by watching what is likely a MIcheal Bay film, who was a target even then folks. Oh you poor poor fools you knew not how much worse it could get... i.e. robot testicles. Just.. robot testicles. And their MAKING A DELUXE MOVIE DEVISTATOR. Why. Just.. why who wanted this after that scene. He’s sworn off good movies as he feels he no longer deserves them. Andy however bluntly tells him to cut the pity party, while he’s moping his friend really needs him and when you love somebody, you put your pants on for them. When you love somebody you see it to the end, when you love somebody the conclusions forgone when you love somebody you put your big boy pants right onnnnn! ... I’ll put the song at the end. Point is Kevin goes to help his friend, and as Wally is moping in the projection booth and wonders what he was thinking Kevin tells him the obvious truth: He was thinking of how far he’d go.  “You taught me the best films are personal stories.. and this film is your valentine to Gus” While Wally starts to break a little, he does point out it doesn’t make it good.. but Kevin rightly counters that he’s not so sure of it. Wally sees the audience enjoying the film and goes down, with all of them carrying red light bulbs like the one gus has to show when he’s mad in the film. And Wally finally realizes waht I got to in the beginning: It doesn’t matter if a film’s good or bad, what matters is someone enjoys it. A film can be utterly terrible, and still be good. It can be a mess and still have merit. And Wally finally realizes it doesn’t matter if it’s the film he wanted, it’s the film he made for his future husband, it’s a film that brings laughter and sticks in people’s heads and really  brings them a godo time. It’s a film worth remembering and Wally finally accepts that and his film as his own.  Later that night Kevin and Wally exit the theater, with Wally no longer mad at him and the two still friends or as Wally puts it in the second best line of the episode “As close as an elderly gay man and a straight boy can be” Awwww. The two depart and we get a touching final scene as Wally comes home and finds a bottle of wine and a note from gus saying he has a suprise for him> Turns out Gus put on his old space helmet.. but fell asleep in it. So we get a really nice tender moment as Gus takes the  helmet off, smooches his husband on his bald head and smiles brightly as the episode ends.

Final Thoughts on The Man From Pluto or I Married a Gay Man From Outer Space: Before you ask each episode had two titles for funzies, the first one to get past the censors and the second for fun and likely what they would’ve gone with if they could. As for this episode.. it’s spectacular. It holds up well even 20 years later, it’s touching, sweet and really damn funny and makes me want to rewatch the show as a whole again. I highly recommend seeking it out and hope mission hill is eventually made officially available somewhere. Till then you can find the whole series including this episode on YouTube and despite being the last one you could easily watch this one first if you want and it’s a decent enough intro to the show as a whole. I highly recommend it, an utter pleasure to watch.  If you liked this review, you can comission your own by PMing me on this very blog, just mention you want to do a comission and we can talk it out. As this review proves, it dosen’t have to be a show i’ve done before or even one that’s remotely recent. Hell i’d gladly do Fonz and The Happy Days gang, the animated happy days spinoff that’s like dr. who but with the Fonz. Yes really. Whatever you want i’ll do it as long as it’s not porn for just 5 bucks an episode and 10 for a movie. YOu can also join my patreon, and for 2 dollars a month get acess to my discord (that i’ll start once I get patreons) and once I get enough patreons exclusive polls or 10 bucks for all of that and a review of your choice each month. You can find said patreon right here. And even 1 buck a month would be apricated if you can spare it and if not simply reblog this and share it around.  You can also follow this blog for weekly ducktales, loud house and amphibia coverage as they come out.  I’d also personally thank WeirdKev27 for both being a long time fan of this blog and for the comission. 

Until we meet again say safe, wear a mask, check your atttic for Gary Busey and happy Halloween! Play us out Mr Heere!

[pumpkaaboo]

Madoka Magica rewatch: episode 1

Hey guys! I’ve decided to rewatch Puella Magi Madoka Magica (considering that the last time I watched it, I was 12, up past my bedtime, and at a sleepover with my friends. we watched the whole thing in one night. needless to say, a lot of things flew over my head). I want to pay attention to two things in particular: symbolism, and parallels to Revolutionary Girl Utena (specifically, eggs. that will make sense if you’ve seen utena). Most of what I’m going to talk about is probably a reach and/or not intended by the creators, but hey, overanalyzing every minute detail of things to the death is fun. (Note: these posts will contain spoilers for the entirety of madoka magica, and probably bits of utena as well) If you don’t want to see these posts, you can blacklist the tags “#pmmm” or “#pmmm rewatch”. Without further ado, let’s get into it!

So right off the bat, we have a parallel to utena. The very first shot in both...

...is a curtain being raised. This is very interesting to me; it gives the idea that what we’re about to see is a performance of some kind. Whether it means that the whole thing is a performance, or just the dream/flashback we’re about to see, is something I’ll have to look out for. Regardless, just as in utena, I’m going to take this as an indication that what I’m about to watch should not be taken at face value.

Also worthy of note that this is the first time we get to see the beautiful paper cutout style in the witch labyrinths. It’s one of the defining artistic features of this anime, and I can’t wait to see it again.

Then there’s a shot of what appears to be a grief seed with some text in a conlang I can’t read and then... this.

...yeah, I’m at a loss. Is this Madoka’s witch? I think it might be. The background kind of looks like a record from this angle, but broken by that black... slice? bar? witch? Also, there’s the sound of what I think is a tape running through a film projector-yet another indication that what’s to come is a story a performance, not necessarily reflective of reality. However, in contrast to Utena, which uses theater/live performances and plays, Madoka seems to be using film. Film is static, unchanging-you can watch a movie as many times as you want, but aside from file corruption or physical damage to your equipment, it will play out exactly the same way. Theater, meanwhile, is much more dynamic-the actors and the audience have a tremendous amount of influence on the way things go, even if specific plot points must remain the same. I like that, as a difference between the two, because while in Utena, the duelists are always different and the circumstances of the cycle are always changing (even if the end result is always the same), while in Madoka, Homura is repeating the exact same month, and everyone else stays exactly the same except for her (the audience? much to think about).

We have several shots of Madoka running through this stark black and white landscape. She’s the only spot of color in it, and each shot is more impossible and dreamlike than the last.

Finally, she comes to this bright green exit sign-a complementary color to her hair. It’s surrounded by darkness and metal fencing (only visible in the previous shot)-perhaps meaning that, for Madoka to be able to move forward, she will have to travel into darkness, towards something the opposite of herself? I also find the framing of the shot to be very reminiscent of this:

Madoka must ascend the stairs before opening the door, however, not after. I’ll talk a bit more about this parallel later, though, because Madoka opens the door and sees...

...that. Walpurgisnacht has the same pattern behind her that the weird shot of the record did earlier, so maybe I was misreading that and it’s supposed to represent her, not Madoka’s witch whose name escapes me. Also worthy of note that Madoka is moving from an unreal space of equal parts light and dark (where the two were distinctly separated) to a more “real” world of black and gray-and where darkness and the few patches of light often blend together smoothly. I think this is supposed to represent her idealistic worldview clashing against the world where Magical Girls must constantly risk their lives, make morally gray decisions, and fight witches for survival.

I’m not really sure of what to think of the parallel between Madoka entering the battle with Walpurgisnacht and Utena entering the dueling arena, but if we take it as her going from a place inside of her own mind, where her assumptions about the world are unchallenged, into a place where a battle of ideology where no one is truly, 100% noble (even though some may hold the definite moral high ground) might work, but Utena’s dueling arena is also a place of trying to obtain that true nobility. Then again, that could be a parallel to Madoka’s wish in the end, couldn’t it? But I don‘t think it’s a 1-1 parallel, nor do I think it should be expected to be. I’m happy to think of it as a (possibly unintentional) nod to one of the show’s major influences.

Also I just noticed that Walpurgisnacht’s design sort of mirrors itself and works just as well upside down as right side up-hold on let me just-

yeah.

Here we have a shot of Madoka standing on a maze of scaffolding-the path ahead of her will be treacherous, full of dead ends and places to plummet to the ground. But we don’t have time to talk about that because HOMURA

So our first shot of this character-arguably tied for “most important in the show” with Madoka herself-is from a distance, standing on a pillar of darkness, surrounded by flashing red lights. The camera constantly focuses in and out-she’s distant, and it’s hard to figure out what she’s doing or thinking. But then we cut closer to her-

-and we see her face right before she gets hit by a skyscraper-

-and it becomes clear that whoever this is, she’s someone to pay attention to, someone whose inner mind and motivations the series will be exploring. Also I love how she’s not scared of the skyscraper at all, seeming to view it as more of a minor inconvenience more than anything. Because to her, it is!

Also, here we have the first actual bright colors in the show besides the green exit sign. I note that Homura is raising her shield here, not firing one of her (many) guns/explosives-our first impression of her is a mysterious one, but also of protection, though who or what she’s trying to protect remains to be seen.

...and here we have the first voice line of the series. Seems appropriate, given the general tone, but I also think it’s important to note that our first impression of Homura is protectiveness, and our first impression of Madoka is compassion and sympathy...

...while our first impression of Kyubey is fatalism and discouragement. Not exactly a good look for a character who’s supposed to be guiding and supporting the heroes, huh. Kyubey knows exactly what he’s after, and he knows exactly how to get it.

And here we have the entire thesis of Madoka’s character in one line.

Seriously, all of it’s right there! Compassion for those suffering, an acknowledgement that the current circumstances are unjust, are wrong. This isn’t how magical girl shows are supposed to go, this isn’t how heroes are supposed to have to fight, and Madoka is unwilling to accept a world where this level of injustice is the norm. God, what a great way to introduce the entire main conflict of both the protagonist and the show!

Here’s our first clear shot of Kyubey, and he looks even more blank and eerie than usual-I think it’s the fact that he has no visible pupils. Also a great bit of foreshadowing; you don’t typically introduce a character that’s going to be helpful like this.

Kyubey tells Madoka that she has the power to change this fate-to alter the horrible destiny in front of her. “Can I really?” asks Madoka.

That’s why Madoka wants power-she wants to be able to help. And she can, but she’ll have to be very careful about how she words her wish, because otherwise, she might just end up making things worse. It’s worth noting that she wants to change the ending-perhaps foreshadowing her eventual wish to stop magical girls from becoming witches (any girl who cannot become a princess..), changing the inevitable end of their lives.

I love how the branches of the tree(?) are breaking up the frame, making it look fractured or like slash marks, showing how the characters are broken and disoriented, and visually representing the separation between Madoka, Homura, and Walpurgisnacht. It’s a neat trick that was used to great effect in Adolescence of Utena (though usually it was associated specifically with blades or impalement in that case).

Kyubey offers his contract to Madoka, and she looks at the camera, determined, crowned and wreathed by the rubble around her...

...and then wakes up, in her bed, surrounded by warmth and pink and soft things and hearts. Also, I think the aspect ratio changed at this part? I’m not really sure why that is-maybe to convey that they’re going from the cinematic final conflict to Madoka’s everyday life?

Silhouetted by the warm window behind her almost like a halo, watched by her stuffed animals and embracing another, Madoka asks if it was all a dream. She noticeably sits up so her entire head is in the light, and then leans down so only half of it is-she hasn’t fully committed to the heroism she’ll come to embody yet.

Okay, that’s enough for now, it’s been like two hours and I’ve only gotten through one scene. I was hoping to be able to get through this quickly, but I should have known better. Part 2 of this episode coming... at some point, hopefully.

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

[carolinesiede]

Reflecting on 2020

The strangest thing about 2020 was how familiar much of it felt: Working from home, extended periods of isolation, weeks and months blending together. To a much lesser degree, those are things I experience each year as a freelancer. And while I suspect it will take awhile before the full extent of the trauma we’ve all lived through this year fully sets in, right now I’m mostly focused on gratitude. I’m grateful for the health of my loved ones. Grateful I already had a work-from-home routine to maintain during the pandemic. And grateful that I was able to quarantine with my family for much of the year—which had its challenges but also its rewards too.

In my 2019 year-end post I wrote about feeling like my career was finally on an upward trajectory after several years of plateauing. This year obviously offered some new wrinkles in that regard. I made significantly less money and felt familiar fears about how sustainable this career actually is. But having less work also gave me more time to focus on the actual craft of writing. I feel like I reached a new level in terms of voice, clarity, and the ability to self-edit. I'm the sort of person who constantly (arguably, obsessively) strives to be better, and it’s rewarding to feel like that hard work is finally slowly starting to pay off.

In addition to devoting my quarantine time to mastering a favorite curry recipe, getting really into the Enneagram, finally learning to French braid hair, and rewatching all of New Girl, I also had some really cool opportunities scattered throughout the year. I interviewed John Barrowman about his surprise return to Doctor Who, which felt like a real milestone for me. I also contributed to the Los Angeles Times’ list of TV shows to binge-watch during quarantine, which appeared both online and in print. And thanks to everything going virtual this year, I was able to attend a press panel for the fifth season of This Is Us, which is the sort of thing I’m not usually able to do as a Chicago-based critic. 

My career is always a juggling act between film and TV, and this year made me appreciate how valuable it is to be able to move seamlessly between both worlds. I took on new TV assignments covering the first season of Stargirl and the second season of The Umbrella Academy, both of which were a blast to write about. And while I didn’t watch quite as many films as I did in my insane catch-up year last year, I did fill in some more major blindspots. I also contributed to The A.V. Club’s list of the best films of 2000 and shared my own ballot over on Letterboxd. Oh, and I set up a Letterboxd this year too!

Elsewhere, I made my debut on Bustle and The Takeout, and ended the year with a Polygon article about “Kind Movies” that pretty much sums up my entire ethos on storytelling. I was also named a Top Critic by Rotten Tomatoes, which was a real honor. But the pride and joy of my career remains my rom-com column, When Romance Met Comedy. I devoted a whopping 49,000 words to analyzing 25 different romantic comedies this year. And I’m really pleased with how the column has grown and with the positive feedback I’ve received.

I have to admit, I sometimes worry that year-end highlight reels like this one can make my life seem easy or glamorous in a way that doesn’t reflect what it’s like to actually live through it. I'm tremendously lucky to get to do what I do, but I also struggle a lot—both with the logistics of this career and with bigger questions about what value it brings to the world. My goal is to approach 2021 with a greater sense of intentionality. I want to be more thoughtful in my career choices, more purposeful in how I use social media, and more active in my activism and politics. I’d also like to do 20 push-ups a day everyday for the whole year, but we’ll see how long that resolution actually lasts.

Finally, on a sadder note, one other defining experience of the year was the loss of my dear internet friend Seb Patrick, who I’ve known for years through the Cinematic Universe podcast. Seb created a wonderfully positive nerd space online, and was a big part of my early quarantine experience thanks to the Avengers watchalongs I did with the CU gang in the spring. I’m so grateful for all the fun pop culture chats we got to have throughout the years, several of which are linked below. Seb is tremendously missed, and there’s a fund for his family here.

As we head into 2021, I’ll leave you with wishes for a Happy New Year and a roundup of all the major writing and podcasts I did in 2020. If you enjoyed my work, you can support me on Kofi or PayPal. Or you can just share some of your favorite pieces with your friends! That really means a lot.

My 15 favorite films of 2020

My 15 favorite TV shows of 2020

Op-eds, Features, and Interviews

Women Pioneered The Film Industry 100 Years Ago. Why Aren’t We Talking About Them? [Bustle]

2020 is the year of the Kind Movie — and it couldn’t have come at a better time [Polygon]

Make a grocery store game plan for stress-free shopping [The Takeout]

What’s Going On: A primer on the call to defund the police [Medium]

Doctor Who’s John Barrowman on the return of Captain Jack Harkness [The A.V. Club]

Episodic TV Coverage

Doctor Who S12

This Is Us S4 and S5

Supergirl S5

Stargirl S1

The Umbrella Academy S2

The Crown S4

NBC’s Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch Musical!

When Romance Met Comedy

Is The Ugly Truth the worst romantic comedy ever made?

Working Girl’s message is timeless, even if the hair and the shoulder pads aren’t

You’ve Got Mail and the power of the written (well, typed) word

Love & Basketball was a romantic slam dunk

How did My Big Fat Greek Wedding make so much money?

America eased into the ’60s with the bedroom comedies of Doris Day and Rock Hudson

I can’t stop watching Made Of Honor

Notting Hill brought two rom-com titans together

It’s time to rediscover one of Denzel Washington’s loveliest and most under-seen romances

Something’s Gotta Give is the ultimate quarantine rom-com

20 years ago, But I’m A Cheerleader reclaimed camp for queer women

On its 60th anniversary, Billy Wilder’s The Apartment looks like an indictment of toxic masculinity

The Wedding Planner made rom-com stars out of Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey

After 25 years, Clueless is still our cleverest Jane Austen adaptation

William Shakespeare invented every romantic comedy trope we love today

Edward Norton made his directorial debut by walking a priest, a rabbi, and a Dharma into a Y2K rom-com

The forgotten 1970s romantic comedy that raged against our broken, racist system

His Girl Friday redefined the screwball comedy at 240 words per minute

Before Wonder Woman soared into theaters, the hacky My Super Ex-Girlfriend plummeted to Earth

Dirty Dancing spoke its conscience with its hips

The rise of Practical Magic as a spooky season classic

In a dire decade for the genre, Queen Latifah became a new kind of rom-com star

Years before Elsa and Anna, Tangled reinvigorated the Disney princess tradition

Palm Springs is the definitive 2020 rom-com

Celebrate Christmas with the subversive 1940s rom-com that turned gender roles on their head

The A.V. Club Film & TV Reviews

Netflix’s To All The Boys sequel charms, though not quite as much as the original

The Photograph only occasionally snaps into focus

Jane Austen's Emma gets an oddball, sumptuous, and smart new adaptation

Pete Davidson delivers small-time charms in Big Time Adolescence

Council Of Dads crams a season of schmaltzy storytelling into its premiere

In Belgravia, Downton Abbey’s creator emulates Dickens to limited success

Netflix’s Love Wedding Repeat adds some cringe to the rom-com

Netflix takes another shot at Cyrano de Bergerac with queer love triangle The Half Of It

We Are Freestyle Love Supreme is a feel-good origin story for Lin-Manuel Miranda’s first troupe

Sara Bareilles’ melodic Apple TV+ series Little Voice is still finding itself

Netflix’s sexist rom-com sensation gets a minor upgrade in The Kissing Booth 2

With Howard, Disney+ movingly honors the lyricist who gave the Little Mermaid her voice

The Broken Hearts Gallery tries to find catharsis in heartbreak

Netflix’s ghostly musical series Julie And The Phantoms hits some charming tween high notes

After We Collided slides toward R-rated camp—but not far enough

Holidate is a bawdy start to Netflix’s holiday rom-com slate

Kristen Stewart celebrates the Happiest Season in a pioneering queer Christmas rom-com

Isla Fisher gets her own Enchanted in the Disney Plus fairy tale Godmothered

Podcast Appearances

Debating Doctor Who: “Orphan 55”

It Pod To Be You: The Wedding Singer

Reality Bomb: Defending Doctor Who’s “Closing Time”

The Televerse: Spotlight on Doctor Who Season 12

You Should See The Other Guy: The Ugly Truth

Only Stupid Answers: Stargirl’s season finale

Motherfoclóir: Ireland and the Hollywood Rom-Com

Called in to Nerdette’s Clueless retrospective episode

Cinematic Universe Appearances

Cinematic Universe: Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Cinematic Universe: Birds of Prey

Cinematic Universe: Infinity War watchalong

Cinematic Universe: Endgame watchalong

Cinematic Universe: Terminator 2

Cinematic Universe: Josie and the Pussycats

Cinematic Universe: The Cuppies 2020 (Cuppies of Cuppies)

And here are similar year-end wrap-ups I did in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, and 2013.

[whentherewerebicycles]

jes i need to know the full extent of your lotr obsession. how comprehensively did it raise you? how deep did we go? books? dvd extended editions? production commentaries? did it leave a mark on you that you carried with you through life?

jamila.. yes to all of these things. i honestly can’t remember how i first came across the books - for some reason i feel like my mom gave them to me, even though i cannot imagine her ever reading them? but they were definitely old, beat-up copies i inherited from somebody in my family. Google informs me they are the 1982 Michael Herring covers and GOD they were ugly:

i first started reading them when i was 10 or 11, and i remember i used to take them to the endless kansas city royals games my dad took us to… god those baseball games would last 3-4 HOURS and you’d just be sitting there forever.. sports are so boring to me… anyway i was only allowed to take one book in with me and i wasn’t about to risk finishing it early and having nothing to read!! so i took the densest books i could find and just sat there in kauffman stadium doggedly ignoring the sports happening around me. if i couldn’t stop sports from happening in the world, i could at least refuse to pay any attention!! here is the stadium, if you would like to picture an extremely irritable 11-year-old jes reading in the stands:

then the first film came out when i was 12? and @bottleupandexplode​ and i got super into it. i think i must’ve just seen the first one normally in theaters (is that right macky?) but then we definitely went to The Two Towers and Return of the King at the midnight screenings. i wish i could remember all the details of our fannish obsession. i think we saw every one of the films 6 or 7 times in theaters – just a truly wild number of times for v young teenagers to attend a 3+ hour film!! for TT and ROTK, we definitely also went to Walmart at midnight to buy the dvd extended editions (did we watch them immediately? surely not? so why did we have to go at midnight? THAT IS JUST THE WAY OF THINGS. THESE ARE THE SACRED RITUALS OF FANDOM.) macky and i also purchased fabric, found patterns, and sewed ourselves hobbit costumes to attend one of the midnight screenings (was it TT?). here we are:

macky just texted me this photo and said “am I clenching my fists in like, nervous excitement?” presumably so!! as you can see i had also purchased the One Ring to wear on a chain around my neck. I did not only wear it when I was in costume either!!

i probably tried to teach myself one of the Elvish dialects, but i have never been able to learn human languages that are not my own, let alone invented fantasy languages! i cannot remember if shipping was at all a part of my early fandom experience – i want to say no? i feel like i discovered shipping in earnest with harry potter? but i definitely remember that we created our own Geocities fansites devoted to the objects of our affection, and one of my greatest fandom regrets is not screenshotting it!! it involved many different font colors, questionable typography choices, and flashing headers. my username was probably something like “mrselijahwood” because i was OBSESSED. those dreamy blue eyes… that slightly helpless expression on his face… his need to be rescued from dangerous situations by sturdier men… the TRAUMA of carrying the Ring… little did i know i was laying the groundwork for all of my fic preferences forevermore!

it has probably been at LEAST 10 years since i last rewatched the films or revisited the books, because it almost feels too intense? like do i really want to reopen that chapter of my life? can my heart bear it? but i feel like there are so many parts of both that are permanently imprinted on my soul. like just writing this i kept having shivery flashbacks to particular scenes and just remembering how i FELT in the theater watching them.

GOD one of the things that i value most about fandom is that being a fan teaches you that human beings are capable of intensities of feeling that you would NEVER KNOW ABOUT if you just lived an ordinary non-fannish life. it’s not just the experience of being thrilled to the core of your being (although that definitely happens too!), it’s like, you almost MERGE spiritually with the cultural object you love, except it’s so much bigger than you and is loved passionately by SOOOOO many people, and so your passionate devotion to something almost seems to extend your own sensory-emotional experiences, like you are not just a single person loving a book or film, you are this node within this network of passionate adoration, and every feeling you have is amplified and fed into a kind of feedback loop with this network and so the intensity just ramps up and it feels like you are feeling feelings that are SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR BODY, so much wilder and HUGER and more intense than could possibly be encompassed within the frame of your individual self!!!! i cannot even describe it but i am sure you know it i am sure you know how ELECTRIFYING it is!!!! like you’re wholly lit up from within by this passion that is so intensely personal and yet feels like it transcends you and will outlast you and outlive you!!! THAT IS HOW I FELT ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS!!!!

[chimbu617]

A HTTYD Micro Memoir of the Past Ten Years

     It was 2010. I was 8. I just moved to a new town and as someone who was bad at trying to talk to people, I spent all my free time in my imagination and/or with my brother. He was my best friend and we did everything together.      My parents weren't big on going to theaters especially with an 8 and 12-year-old. So whenever we watched the newest, latest movie it was always through Red Box, they somehow always got for free. They rented two movies. I don't remember how they picked them out, if it was their or mine and my brother's choice. One night, after dinner, they popped in a disc and played the movie for us. I vividly remember how I felt sitting in our faux leather couch, cuddled up with a blanket in a dark room, focused on the movie.      The camera swoops in over a vast ocean in the dead of night. Pillers of stone carvings extruded out of the water with fire burning inside the mouths. In the distance, a beautiful island inhabited with wooden shacks. Small specs of fire can be seen in the village. Over this is a voice-over by the lead character, "This is Berk." A line that will follow me throughout the next 10 years of my life.      I spent the rest of that year dreaming of owning a terrible terror and have a friend to explore my world with. Of course, that was virtually impossible. Jump to 2012. I was 11. The first episode of Dragons: Riders of Berk aired. My brother and I begged our parents to record the series and we watched it religiously. We jumped into my bed turned on my tv and grew immensely excited for this world we both developed a love for.      I remember how I watched Heather first be introduced and immediately hating her character from the moment she was on screen. I created a self insert character where "I" washed up onto berk after a shipwreck with amnesia. I always thought that Heather stole my premise and then ruined it by betraying the main characters. I now enjoy her character and look back on my childish foolishness.      I guess my mom at some point stopped recording the show after my brother moved out and I grew out of the show, but not the fandom. 2013, I was 12 and just started 7th grade. The teaser trailer of the second movie came out and I watched it with awe. I was conflicted by the redesign of Hiccup yet I probably watched that trailer more times than I could count. I met my best friend and we both spent our time in science class drawing. She convinced me to start drawing actually. I spent that time drawing and watching crack compilations for Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons.      I never stopped my love for the world despite not having a lot of content to fill in the void in my heart. I ended up teaching myself Viking/Celtic runes, so I could read the text in the movie and show. It was 2014 when I taught one of my friends in my 8th grade English class the runes so we could pass notes in class. We wrote notes that absolutely made no sense but had so much fun knowing that we were the only ones who understood it. Our teacher caught us passing the note and took it from us. The look on her face was priceless. She looked frustrated and confused. She gave us a baffled look and continued on with class without a word.      I wasn't able to watch the second movie in the theater either. I ended up pirating it off some streaming site. I laughed and cried. At his death, my parents came in to ask if I was ok.      Several weeks after my 14th birthday in 2015, Race to the Edge's first season was released onto Netflix. I ended up binging all of Riders of Berk and Defenders of Berks in a few nights. I cried when I saw Stoick alive again and revived my undying love for this franchise.      January of 2016, my brother called me and asked if I had seen the new season of Race to the Edge. I ended up watching only a few episodes before falling out of interest in the series.     In December of 2017, I decided to catch up with the show. I would wake up, go to school, go home, did homework, binge as many episodes as I could and repeat. Soon after I finished it was 2018 and the new and last season was released. I had my friend come over to spend the night and I straight up said "Sorry, but I want to watch this" and she had to sit there and watch the show without any context of prior seasons. For Halloween that year that same friend and I ended up dressing up as Hiccup and Jack Frost. My mom gave me a stuffed toothless she was holding for Christmas for my costume. Some older lady told me she liked my plush cat.      When I found out about The Hidden World coming out my friend group and I decided to go see it in theaters. I accidentally overslept that day and rushed to the theaters where my friends were waiting. One of them ended up buying a ticket for me, refusing to accept my money when I offered to pay him back. There aren't words to describe my emotions in those few seconds the Dreamworks logo played. I was excited at being able to finally see one of the movies in the franchise in theaters. Although I started to feel my heart being pulled apart by tiny strings attached to the muscle. I then realized in that small amount of time that, this was it. This was the end. No more. That everything I watched, learned, waited for was for this moment. The dragon classes and types I learned, the runes I used, the music I would close my eyes to and imagine I was in a different world, and the reality in front of me ever since I was a child that I could never live in this world. It was all in front of me.      The movie played, and sure I laughed at Tuff, watched in awe at the beautiful plant and sand animation, cried at their parting, and rejoiced at their reunion. As I left the theaters though I couldn't help but think, "It was better than expected but not as good as I hoped". Whenever someone asked me my thoughts of the movie I would tell them those exact words. Looking back now, I don't know what I hoped for it to be. A happier ending? No, I came into this expecting the loss of dragons. A more interesting villain? I can't think of any better villain for the context of the scenario. I left it as such. I hoped for better yet knew not of what I hoped for.     It was winter break in 2019 and I left my dorm to go home and visit my family. The first night I was back my mom said she recorded something for me. I sat in the recliner as my cat snuggled into my lap and my mom started up Homecoming. I appreciated the fact that my parents haven't seen the second or third movie, yet sat through Homecoming with no context for me. This last Thursday, the 19th of March, I was working on my theater assignment mid-quarantine and randomly had the desire to watch Ratatouille. As I finished the film it reminded me of How to Train Your Dragon. With the whole human and animal bond that overcomes the differences between the two species to work together. I ended up wanting to watch the film again. As I watched it, I thought to myself, just the first movie, right? As I started The Hidden World, I thought to myself, just the movies, right? As I started Riders of Berk, I thought to myself, just the pre-time skip series, right? As I started Race to the Edge, I thought to myself, I need to drop my Biology course since I'm gonna fail.      When I rewatched the third movie all my original doubts on the film vanished. At the end when Hiccup decided to let Toothless go, I didn't cry. But, when Hiccup tells us, the viewer, that dragons were waiting for us to get along, I sobbed, more than I did any other time watching the entire series in the last 10 years. I realized two completely separate things. We as humans will never earn the right to have dragons, as we will never get our crap together. We are filled with corrupted morals and mindsets and will ruin everything and anything we get ahold of. The second thing was something I experienced earlier. Though I was afraid of the end I was so used to things claiming to be over and then the creators ending up making more for a cash grab. In that moment of watching 30-year-old Hiccup throw his son into the air, I realized that this was it. This was the end. The end of the movie, the end of the story, and the end of a large part of my childhood.      When I graduated high school I cried in my car after our practice run. I was growing up and I would have to be leaving everything I had known until then behind. It was Troll Hunters a series I started before I moved into my dorm that helped me calm down and move into a new place. It helped me understand that I can't just change and leave what I love behind. I can take it with me beyond this line I drew myself. The past few days changed that though. I couldn't take my beloved world across the line with me. It will forever be chained into my past as something I can look back on yet have no expectations for any future with it. I cried because there was nothing in my hands that I could do to keep what I loved with me. But, with Stoick's words "With love comes loss, that's part of the deal. Sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it's all worth it."      Thank you How to Train Your Dragon. You have given me so much. More than I could say. More than I know. We have grown up together, but now it's time for both of us to move on. Time for me to let you go.

Whoever stuck around until the end, thank you. I felt I had to write this as my fingers were itching for it. This is just a first draft but I doubt I’m ever coming back to this. I wanted to do something for the anniversary but like I said I didnt start getting back into httyd until the last 2 weeks and I just found out. I wrote this in like 2-3 hours, and I’m suprised at myself for powering through it. I’m still working on writing personal memoir pieces so excuse my skills. Anyways thank you again and Happy Ten Year Anniversary HTTYD!

[eldritchsurveys]

781.

Your ten favorite movies

Movie number one: The Fountain 1) Who’s the main actor? >> Hugh Jackman. 2) When did it come out? >> I want to say... 2007. 3) What’s the genre? >> Er... hmm. Fantasy? Maybe? I’m going to ask google. ...Oh, apparently Wikipedia classifies it as an “epic romantic drama film that blends elements of fantasy, history, spirituality, and science fiction”. Like, okay, sure, whatever dude. 4) Do you know where it was filmed at? >> I don’t, but I’m about to find out because that’s an interesting question. ...Ah! Montreal. 5) How old were you when you saw it? >> The first time I saw it was... probably not too long after it came out, so early 20s. I rented it from Netflix back when that was new and was a DVD-only service. I didn’t pay it a whole lot of attention at the time and was mostly confused by its storyline (I wasn’t as practiced at following nonlinear timelines and heavily allegorical plots back then). The next time I saw it was a whole different story and tbh that’s a frequent occurrence with me, which is why I always go back to rewatch/reread certain things later on in life.

Movie number two: Sunshine 1) Who’s an actress in this movie? >> Rose Byrne.

2) Out of 10 stars you’d give it? >> I mean, 10, I guess? It’s a top favourite of mine, so... 3) Did it have a surprise ending? >> No. I mean, it had a kind of weird twist for the climax? But the actual ending was kind of what you’d expect. 4) How long was it? >> 1hr 47min. 5) Did you first see it in theatres? >> Nope, but god, if only I could... Movie number three: Interstellar 1) What’s this movie rated? >> PG-13. 2) Did critics approve of it? >> If I recall correctly, yeah, it was pretty widely praised. Mostly for the, you know... Nolan-ness. 3) Who were you with when you saw it? >> Sigma and I went to see it, and then we went to see it again, and then we went to see it yet again, lmao. 4) Did this movie make you cry? >> Sure the fuck did, sure the fuck does. 5) Who are five actors/actresses in this movie? >> Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Michael Caine, Ellen Burstyn, Jessica Chastain. Movie number four: District 9 1) Is the main actor your favorite actor? >> No, but I generally enjoy watching Sharlto Copley in stuff. 2) Do you know how old he is? >> No, and that’s not a detail I care to look up. 3) Did this movie make you laugh? >> I mean, yeah, there were a few funny bits, mostly because Wikus is a fuckin dork sometimes. But mostly it was not a laughing matter. 4) Last time you watched it? >> Uhhh... hmm. Maybe a year or two ago? I tend to avoid it because it gives me way too many feels. This is a common thread with me and things I really have emotional attachment to -- you’ll notice I’ll find excuses not to rewatch or reread them because I’m afraid of my own feelings, lmao. 5) Are you the appropiate age to see it by yourself? >> Well, yeah? Movie number five: Requiem For a Dream 1) What made you mad about this movie? >> Nothing made me mad, exactly. That’s definitely not the emotion I feel when watching it. 2) Was it based on a true story? >> It might have been based on real things that happen to real people, but not in any concrete “this is historical fiction” sort of way. 3) Do you wish it was real in any way? >> I’m sure a lot of it is real for a lot of people... I definitely do not want my life to go in that direction, though. It’s very much a “pay attention to that hole in yourself before it consumes you” story for me. 4) So what’s it about, anyways? >> The intertwined stories of four addicts. 5) Did they make a video game out of this movie? >> That... would be disturbing as fuck and I would not play that, lol. Movie number six: mother! 1) Did this movie bore you at any time? >> Oh, absolutely not. I was on tenterhooks the entire time. I even had to pause it at one point so I could have an anxiety attack. (That was also the moment when I realised I was definitely going to rate it 5 stars on Letterboxd. Listen, it makes sense, I promise.) 2) Was there a kiss scene? >> Er, well, the main characters were romantically involved, so there was kissing. 3) Who was the protagonist (main character)? >> The Mother, I guess. I don’t remember what she was called in the credits or in director interviews or wherever (she doesn’t have a name in the movie, no one does). 4) Have you seen this movie more than once? >> Nope. I sometimes consider watching it again because I do feel the need to, but that’s an experience I have to really be prepared for and I feel like I’m never prepared, lol. 5) Last time you saw it? >> Uh... I want to say... a year ago? Movie number seven: The Prince of Egypt 1) What is this movie’s genre? >> Er... I guess, like, animation. Which isn’t a genre to me either, but hey. (Maybe “family” or “adventure”...?) 2) Are there any kid actors in this movie? >> Probably, since there’s a fair number of kids in this movie and I don’t think they were all voiced by adults... but hey, maybe they were. 3) Where did it all take place? >> It’s animated so it technically just takes place in a studio. But the movie’s setting is Egypt and thereabouts. 4) Who was the biggest star in the movie? >> Like, as in... most famous actor in it? I really couldn’t say, it’s an incredibly star-studded cast all around. 5) What year did it come out? >> 1998. It was the first-ever movie I saw in a theater! Movie number eight: Quills 1) Main actor and/or actress? >> Joaquin Phoenix and Kate Winslet. 2) Is this a one-time only movie? >> Like, it didn’t have any sequels or anything, if that’s what you mean. 3) Is it a sequel to anything? >> No. 4) How much money did it make? >> I don’t feel like looking that up. Probably not a whole lot. 5) Favorite part? >> Oh god, uh. I couldn’t even pick one. Any of the dialogue scenes between the Marquis and the Abbé, also any of the scenes where the Abbé is overcome with horniness lmfao. Movie number nine: Event Horizon 1) When did you first see this movie? >> 2005, when I was in a psych hospital. It was one of the only films they had on tape.

2) Did it take a second time for you to like it? >> Nope, I loved it immediately. And proceeded to watch it every day for like a month. I don’t know how anyone in there put up with me. (Everyone being overmedicated probably helped.)

3) Does it have a happy ending? >> It doesn’t. Most horror movies don’t, right? 4) Who would you recommend it to? >> People who love gory space horror, and especially space movies of that particular nineties variety, you know what I’m talking about. 5) What’s its theme song? >> It doesn’t have one. Movie number ten: Repo! the Genetic Opera 1) Do you still have the movie ticket? >> I didn’t see it in a theater. I had planned on seeing it at a Vampirefreaks sponsored theater event in SoHo, but the line was so long I gave up and went home. Ended up hating it when I finally did get around to watching it, and then watched it again like a year or so later and loooooved it. Funny how that happens sometimes. 2) Favorite part? >> Oh man, how could I even choose? Maybe the Thankless Job scene. Or Night Surgeon! Obviously I’m going to pick anything Nathan-centric, lol. 3) Were there any songs you knew in this movie? >> No, the songs were written for the movie. 4) A quote from this movie: >> I’ma get lazy and say “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”, sue me. 5) Were the main actors/actresses a perfect match or not so much? >> Like... romantically? Wasn’t that kind of movie. But as far as how they interacted in general, it was a really fun cast. Random Questions 1) Which one have you seen most on DVD? >> Actually, the only one I recall ever watching on a DVD is The Fountain, because I rented it from Netflix. 2) Which one have you seen most in theatres? >> Interstellar (3 times). 3) Did your parents like any of them? >> The only one my father saw was The Prince of Egypt because he took me to see it, and he complained about the skin colour of characters (not dark enough for his liking) in the car on the way home. While I was just basking in the divine afterglow of having just seen something beautiful that had changed my tiny life. 4) Which one did you see with your best friend? >> Well, Sigma was my best friend at the time we saw Interstellar. 5) Would you see #1 again? >> I do rewatch it sometimes, but not very often. It’s a real emotional trip. 6) Is #4 a movie you can only watch every once in a while? >> Yeah, and I mentioned that in one of the answers. 7) Was #5 hard to understand? >> Only if you have a hard time keeping up with multiple character arcs. Or if you’re just completely clueless about the mental mechanics of addiction, maybe. 8) Did you see #2 the day it came out? >> I didn’t. 9) Do you have #3’s movie ticket still? >> I think I kept at least one of the tickets for a while, but I never keep that kind of thing for long. What I really miss is the posters we’d gotten at the Franklin Institute showing. Those were nice, and I’d looked forward to putting one up in a room of my own one day. :( 10) Are there any sequels to these movies coming out? >> Not that I’m aware of. 11) Does your best friend like #9? >> --- 12) Did #10 have horrible special effects? >> I wouldn’t say that. 13) Who directed #6? >> Darren Aronofsky. He directed three of these movies, actually. 14) Did #8 scare you? >> Nah, it wasn’t that kind of movie. 15) Does #7 have a better effect at night? >> No, lol.

[moonlightmadnessreviews]

Rob Zombie’s 3 From Hell, or The Fear of Spoiling a Good Thing

It’s high noon and we watch as the sun shines down harshly on a dusty blue Cadillac. The camera flys over the long hood, the topless car giving us a good view inside the car. We look down on a bloody, dirt covered family as Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd begins to play over shots of home videos, the family appearing happy and worry free. The scene pulls at your heart string as we see the car drive down the road towards a police blockade. You root for them as they load up shot guns and six shooters, and your heart breaks as you see them riddled with bullets. The movie ends, the room is black, and when the lights come on you remember this family was responsible for the death of multiple people in a hotel room and they’d been hunted for most of the movie by a sheriff driven mad after they murdered his brother!

This is the climax of Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects, released on this date in 2005. It is a ripe cherry atop the “Tutti Fuckin’ Fruity” masterpiece Zombie helmed as the follow-up to his first full length film, House of 1,000 Corpses (2003). When it was announced there would be a follow up this year, I didn’t understand where the story of the Firefly Family could even go from here. I felt the ending I’d watched time and time again, the one I’d discussed with friends countless times, one I’ve praised and screamed about to anyone who’d listen was going to be torn apart. In some ways, 3 From Hell will ruin that ending and rather than greeting their return with fanfare, I’ve been driving myself mad trying to deal with the sudden and shocking retcon to the end of the Firefly Family. But would Zombie allow this installment to slap fans of the original films in the face?

We’ve seen this happen time and time again: A studio or film maker goes into a movie for the wrong reasons and what they serve up the fans is not only disappointing but a complete mess of half finished ideas, studio interference and often times it’s even insulting. The most recent examples I can think of are The Cloverfield Padadox and Jeepers Creepers 3. I was excited for the former, following the recurring ARG for a few weeks before it’s Netflix release (the original ARG and movie hold a special place in my spooky little heart) and, though I’ve come to appreciate it as much as I can for what it is, it was a disappointment for most of the fandom. The latter was shrouded in controversy, much of it stemming from director Victor Salva’s disgusting past, and was a sorry excuse for an installment. The movie stomped along directionless, wedging itself in an awkward spot in the timeline, and answering NONE of the questions it promised to address.

As a series thus far, the story of the Firefly Family couldn’t be more different from one installment to another. Much like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, one film is a flashy neon light show with characters who buzz just as bright, and the other is a dusty Western of sorts, dark and unforgiving yet beautifully shot. Sid Haig, Sheri Moon Zombie and Bill Moseley will return as Captain Spaulding, Baby and Otis Firefly respectively. The movie seems to answer the question of their resurrection by saying “Well, we never actually saw them die.” It’s the simplest of retcons, and helps to give them an air of supernatural force, one that was somewhat hinted at in House of 1,000 Corpses by their involvement with Dr. Satan. A jailbreak plays out and it looks like we’ll be following Spaulding, Baby and Otis as they get help from fans and other “family members”, much in the way Ken Foree (as Charlie Altamont) played a part in their ill fated escape in The Devil’s Rejects.

Since 3 From Hell was announced, I’ve been nervous to get my hopes up at all. I’ll admit, the first time I watched House of 1,000 Corpses, it flew clear over my head. I knew I loved how wacky it was, but it was like looking through a kaleidoscope of gore and characters who were larger than life. With a few more watches, and more appreciation for the grind-house type films Zombie was paying tribute to, it became a favorite of mine. The Devil’s Rejects floored me in the way it made such a shift in style, yet managed to retain its brutality. Zombie pulled his characters out of the funhouse and into the light and somehow managed to make them even more terrifying. How could he possibly improve upon what is already such an iconic series?

Much of my fear comes from my feelings towards Rob Zombie’s last outing, 31. I felt the film lacked much of what made his previous efforts click for me. The outlandish characters, brash dialogue and violence was all there, but with the exception of Doom-Head (Richard Brake), there was really nothing that made me want to rewatch it. It almost felt like the film was trying too hard to be a Rob Zombie film. In fact, I’d jokingly commented to my wife that maybe I’d outgrown Rob Zombie’s style of film making. This along with my aversion to what this new movie means for the end of the story painted in The Devil’s Rejects has made it a somewhat sour lead up.

At the end of he day, the only way I was able to calm my nerves was by reminding myself who I was talking about. This is Rob Fuckin’ Zombie! The man has garnered both praise and ridicule for his films (Halloween vs H2) and he’s faced them both with the same punk, Could Care Less attitude. This is not a director that a studio can dig their claws into in hopes of making a film THEY want to see. Zombie is going to make the film he wants to make, he’s is going to be unapologetic in his sincerity and the film will be completely genuine to who he is as a film maker. The Firefly Family are classic characters from the mind of a madman and I’m confident that his passion for them will result in one of his best films to date. 3 From Hell hits theaters September 16th through the 18th, and I cant wait to stare down this next installment with the same bravado as the Firefly Family had when driving headfirst into a hail of gunfire!

[youremyonlyhope]

The Last Jedi

Here we go. The most controversial Star Wars movie ever (unless Rise of Skywalker has reviews that are just as mixed. I haven’t read any so I don’t know how it’s been received yet.) I actually really really enjoyed the Last Jedi, but I haven’t rewatched it since I saw it in theaters.

Also, unrelated, but literally just a few hours ago I met Oscar Isaac. I was doing a caroling event where I work, and he came by with his son to watch. During one of our breaks, he asked if his son could try the microphone and he held him up so he could whisper and sing stuff into the mic. It was adorable.

I seemed to be the only person who recognized who he was, though one of my co-workers said he had thought so too but he wasn’t sure until I confirmed it. So I went up to Oscar and said hi, asked if he was Oscar Isaac, shook his hand, and thanked him for coming. He says that it was great and that his son loves to sing.

I always joked that I’d bump into Oscar one day since he lives in Brooklyn, but I didn’t think it’d actually happen. And not while I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt and Star Wars socks (which he obviously couldn’t see since I was bundled up in a coat and a scarf and boots but whatever). And definitely not the day before I’m supposed to see the Rise of Skywalker.

I’m still freaking out oh my god. Ok. Time to rewatch the Last Jedi.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... This was the first Star Wars movie I’d seen in theaters in like 12 years at this point. Seeing those words on a giant screen again was amazing. “Certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the fight.” I love that line. I love any and all comparisons of Luke to hope. Yes I am biased. But also, restoring the spark is exactly he does in the end so yes, I love it. It’s just now hitting me that we’re picking up exactly where we left off. Having 1 night between the two movies is every different than having 2 years. ...Was that whatsherface from Game of Thrones, Catelyn’s creepy sister? (IMDB says yes) *BB8 beeps* “Happy beats here buddy, come on.” BB8 sort of said the thing! Also, OH MY GOD I JUST MET OSCAR ISAAC AND NOW HERE HE IS ON MY SCREEN WHAT THE HELL. Was today even real? Oh General Hugs. “Skinny guy. Kinda pasty.” Knowing Oscar and Domnhall are friends makes this better. Oh BB8. Very honorable of Billie Lourd’s Lieutenant Connix to make sure she’s in the last ship leaving the base so everyone else leaves before her. I forgot about the chain reaction of bombs destroying their own Resistance ships... You know, Paige dying while dropping the last of the bombs was already emotional. Rewatching it after you know she’s Rose’s sister makes it worse. First Binary Sunset of the movie. General Hugs has a very good upset face that makes me not feel bad for him at all. More like I want to punch him. Snoke can use the Force across the galaxy... forgot about that. I realized I didn’t mention this in the last one, but I remember the crew complaining that when they filmed the end of Force Awakens it was a cloudy day, but then when they went back to the island for TLJ it was super sunny. And now that it’s been pointed out, I noticed it immediately. Luke throwing the lightsaber. I can’t remember if I was spoiled for this but I feel like when I watched it, I wasn’t that thrown off by it. Something else I didn’t mention at the end of Force Awakens is that I LOVE this set. The stone houses are amazing. Oh porgs. Also, that porg looking into the lightsaber always gives me anxiety. The first words we hear Luke say in 40 years are an annoyed “Go away.” which at least is less whiney than the Tosche Station. Oh Chewie’s like “DUDE. WE NEED YOU.” “Wait... where’s Han?” Awww. Throwing in a little Vader’s theme in there. More temper tantrums. People getting mad at Luke calling a lightsaber a laser sword (in a purposefully mocking way) even though George Lucas himself called them that in some interviews. Yes, it’s not a laser sword, but Luke is trying to show how ridiculous he thinks the idea of him taking down everything is by calling a lightsaber that. I remember being like “Luke... no let’s not just milk that thing... oh ew” I do love the shot of Luke using the giant stick to cross to the other cliff and kill the fish. God that’s a steep hill. “No one’s from nowhere.” “Jakku.” “Alright that is pretty much nowhere.” That’s funny. “It’s time for the Jedi to end.” Remember when that line in the trailer made the fandom literally break down? I love knowing that behind the scenes, Carrie had to slap Oscar a billion times. Also, I do not blame Leia at all. So many people were mad about Leia and Holdo demoting Poe, but Poe was too fearless in that moment. Yes, he destroyed the ship and it worked out, but they lost so many people and they already didn’t have many to begin with. It was worth it, but at a very high cost. So I don’t blame her. Heyyyyyy it’s that girl from that Black Mirror episode and what was that other show? Chewing Gum or something? (IMDB says yes it’s Michaela Coel) See and Poe’s already learning a little by asking permission. Of course... later on he doesn’t ask permission... but whatever. Leia’s Theme... causing me pain. Oh, Kylo didn’t kill his mom. We’re supposed to be happy about that? The bar is on the ground. The utter horror I felt the first time the control room was destroyed and Leia was pulled into space. Oh I love the moment when Leia flies in. Because I’d heard that in the books and comics, we get to explore Leia’s Force abilities and stuff but we don’t get it in the movies besides “I feel that Luke’s in trouble.” Which sucks, because she is the “other” if Luke didn’t work out, so she’s just as strong as Luke if she got trained. They should have just trained both kids honestly, why did they pick the boy? Not saying Obi-Wan and Yoda are sexist... but they’re probably sexist. Also, foreshadowing. I actually noticed the hologram of the ship and Leia flying through this time. Oh Chewie. I like the porg that literally has his jaw dropped in horror. Knowing now that the dice were kind of a symbol of Kira (was that Emilia Clarke’s character?) and Han’s relationship makes me not like them as much. Still, cute throwback that they’re still on the Falcon. We can just ignore they weren’t there in Force Awakens (I kept an eye out and didn’t see them) The way Luke laughed when he said “R2!” I just... my heart. “Nothing can make me change my mind” *R2 plays the Leia hologram* I literally just went “AWWWW” out loud because I forgot that that’s why R2 started playing it. Oh my heart. That hurt the first time. Luke standing over Rey, but offering to help her. Parallels. Oh Admiral Ackbar. I love Holdo’s dress. I love the draping. Someone teach me how to make it. “Thank you for making me aware.” Yeah Poe, she already knows. Stop mansplaining. This is literally a case of mansplaining, why would Poe think he’d have to explain to a commander that there’s no fuel? Yeah it’s a little harsh, but is Holdo wrong? All of these fanboys complain about Canto Bight, but forget that it was Poe’s idea. Then they go and say Holdo was too mean should have put Poe in charge. Guys. Poe’s impulsive. We love him, but he’s the ultimate Gryffindor with no fear and will just do anything without considering consequences. I do wish Holdo had been more open like “I have a plan. You don’t need to know all the parts of it. Just let me do what I need to, ok?” instead of “Just follow my orders.” but still. Oh poor Rose. “Doing talking....” Oh she’s so cute. “I’ve had to stun 3 people trying to use this escape pod.” We love a girl who can fight. Yeah. Once again. Not mad at Rose. Finn does have some selfish tendencies, he’s well meaning but ultimately selfish (or at least, only thinking of Rey). So I do not blame Rose for stunning him.

And now I will take a nap since I have to go to a show tonight. And then I will finish the last 3/4-ish of the movie when I get home later.

Annnnd I’m back!

See. Rose has good reason to be mad at deserters. Ok so it wasn’t Poe’s idea to go to the Star Destroyer it was Finn’s. I will give him that. But still Poe went along with it. “That... wasn’t exactly my...” Oh 3PO. I wish Maz had had a bigger scene. More Lupita please. I have one question: from what angle is this hologram filmed? And how does the camera follow her? I guess it’s multiple hologram cameras, but still, it followed her as she rolled and ran around. Also, did Finn call Maz or did Poe call her? Because as far as we know, only Finn knows her. It seemed like they both had the idea to call her, but that Poe had it first. Did Finn tell Poe about Maz? I’m glad they showed Finn handing Poe the binary tracker thing, since for a second I was like “What if Rey had popped up next to Finn on the Star Destroyer?” I’m glad Rey’s first instinct is to shoot Kylo. “Can you see my surroundings?” “You’re gonna pay for what you did.” “I can’t see yours.” Why do I remember that line so vividly? Why does it make me feel so unsettled? Rey, my sweet Rey, I wish you had just told Luke that you saw Kylo. I love Luke’s explanation of the Force. And him messing with Rey was funny. I love when Rey’s reaching out and feeling life, death, peace, violence, etc. And I love Luke saying the Force doesn’t belong to the Jedi, because it doesn’t. The Jedi failed years ago. “You didn’t even try to stop yourself.” Luke’s horrified. But also, Rey’s just like an extreme version of Luke. Yoda knew that Luke’s emotions could make him vulnerable to the dark side, Rey’s already vulnerable. Yeah, I don’t blame Luke for being scared of Rey after he feels like this is Ben all over again. Oh my god. I love the porg that has a metal piece over its head. That actually made me laugh out loud. Poor Chewie.

I just had to refresh tumblr because my draft wasn’t saving. It brought me back to my dashboard. Where there was a spoiler for the new movie and it wasn’t tagged. PLEASE tag your spoilers people.

The water hitting Kylo still confuses me. Say what you will about the Canto Bight plot... the costumes are AMAZING. The costumes literally make the whole side plot worth it to me. Literally I was just in awe by all the costumes during every single scene. And the set! The set’s fantastic too! I literally just paused every single second to take in all of the costumes. Do I care if the Canto Bight trip ended up pointless? Nope! Because it gave me some of Star Wars’ best costumes. Oh... to be an extra in the Canto Bight scene... Just show up... And put on a beautiful outfit... And do nothing else but pretend to drink, talk, and gamble... That’s the dream. Oh hi Mark Hamill! That was cute that they let him voice that little thing. I remember noticing the thing and being like “...is he important?” and nope, it’s just Mark doing an extra voice. Oh I love the Fathiers. Aww and it’s the little Force sensitive boy. I have thoughts about that kid that I can get into later. The way BB8 jingles with the coins. I love it.

Rey: *Does a move with her stick* Rey: *Does the same exact move with the lightsaber* Fanboys: She’s too good too fast! Mary Sue!

As I said throughout all of the Force Awakens, she’s just applying the skills she already had. If anything, a lightsaber’s easier since it’s half the length and she doesn’t have to worry about the back of it hitting her. LOL, remember when we thought this shot was an epic shot of Luke training her? Good times. Oh that poor fish nun. Everything Luke says about the Jedi is true (also did I not say they failed earlier in the post? Luke agrees with me). Rey’s right that a Jedi got Ani to come back from the dark side, but the Jedi’s system enabled him to turn in the first place. Soooooo yeah. Oh Luke. Don’t blame yourself. Kylo was already basically gone. Sure, seeing his uncle standing over him with a lightsaber definitely didn’t help... but it’s not the only thing that made him turn. Who is this captain of the medical ship? He looks familiar. (IMDB says he’s Danny Sapani. I probably recognized him from the Crown) Oh BB8. Finn, did you learn nothing from Rey? Put the cover back on the vent! Awww the Fathiers have such sad eyes... I love the Resistance ring. Can I buy one? Ok. The shot of the bubble egg lady singing felt like it was much longer the first time, but it’s really only a split second. I. LOVE. THE. CANTO. BIGHT. SET. I know it’s a real town in like Italy or somewhere near the Mediterranean. I want to go. I love it. I love that the first thing Luke does when he decides to use the Force again is to seek out Leia. Oh poor Adam became a meme after this. He just has a very wide and bulky body, ok? God Luke looks so scary in Kylo’s flashback. “Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.” That reflection scene is so visually stunning. So in a way, it’s like Luke is failing Rey like he failed Ben. He’s not helping her in the way she needs, so she’s being lured by the dark side instead. I love the walls falling around Luke. “Did you do it? Did you create Kylo Ren?” Rey, he already told you earlier that he believes it’s his fault, so the answer from him is yes. I can’t remember if we hear this story of Luke and Kylo one more time after this or not. “Then he’s our last hope.” Ok ew. No. Kylo is not allowed to be compared to hope. Only Luke, Leia, or Obi-Wan can be. Oh for a second I thought that torch was a lightsaber. YODA!!!!! I think I had been spoiled for Yoda showing up. It was definitely still exciting though. “The sacred Jedi texts!” Oh Luke. Oh memes. Not as whiney as I remembered. “But that library contained nothing that the girl Rey does not already possess.” Because Yoda knows she stole the books. Oh Yoda. I love Yoda. Oh Rose. Ok, so I will give it to Poe that at this moment it doesn’t seem like Holdo has a good plan. Abandoning ship isn’t necessarily cowardly, but on the surface it does seem like it puts them in more danger. Literally earlier today I watched a video about the layout of the Millennium Falcon, and the escape pods were mentioned. And I thought to myself, wow that must be something from the novels since we’ve definitely never seen that in the movies. Welp... I was wrong... Rey’s in one now. I was about to be like “Do they not care that an escape pod just docked?” before I saw Kylo. LOL the iron coming down like a ship. I feel like I remember being completely terrified when Rey stepped in front of Snoke. Oh BB8. Bumping into stuff. I remember being super relieved that DJ (has he told us this is his name yet? I can’t remember) gave back the medallion. Captain Phasma! Hey girl hey! Leia shooting Poe is still funny to me. Also Lieutenant Billie Connix is smart.  I love the scene of Holdo and Leia saying goodbye. Also, Holdo’s purple hair with her bright blue eyes is super striking. Good choice. Snoke puts down the lightsaber. Unknowingly sealing his fate. Literally when Snoke reveals he connected their minds, I was like OF COURSE. Because the whole time I’m like neither of them are strong enough to do this. “She was more interested in protecting the light than she was seeming like a hero.” See. And that’s the flaw in both Poe and Finn. And Rey to an extent. They’re thinking about the big picture, but in context of smaller things like seeming like a hero, saving Rey, saving Kylo, etc. But Holdo’s thinking of only the big picture. I knew DJ betrayed them, I just forgot how badly.

And here’s another annoyance (which I was sorta trying to touch on earlier). Everyone hates the Canto Bight plot, yet they complain about Holdo trying to take charge. If Poe just let Holdo take charge and ignored Finn and Rose’s idea, then her plan would have been a complete success. No Canto Bight, no DJ to betray them, all the transports make it to Crait unnoticed, and the First Order eventually destroys a ship that’s empty except for Holdo. They complain about Holdo, but don’t think about the fact that Holdo could have prevented another plot they hated if the main characters had just listened to her.

And then Snoke hits Rey and literally puts the lightsaber back to where it will kill him. Ok literally I just misread a caption that said “Lord Vader” as “Lord Voldemort” and I was very confused. Taking a second to say that I love this set of Snoke’s throne room. Been thinking it forever, but Kylo picking up the lightsaber off the ground and seeing the reflection in the smooth red floor is amazing. Kylo igniting the lightsaber through Snoke is amazing. Also, I typed “Ben igniting” before literally freezing for a second and being like “...ok that’s a lot to unpack” I guess when he does something good my brain thinks of him as Ben instead of Kylo. ALSO, arm #16 and #17, I love that Snoke’s arms were cut off too in true Star Wars fashion. And I am VERY excited to see this fight scene again. I told myself not to pause at all during the Kylo and Rey team up fight, but I paused literally a second into it because Binary Sunset yes.

And my idiot brother and my mom are texting in the family group chat so it’s popping up on my screen throughout this scene. Ugh.

All of these red knight weapons are so cool. And I forgot about the one that gets chopped up... Oh my god one is a sword that transforms into a whip. LOVE. IT. And I love the quick lightsaber ignite through the head. Love it. Woah how is there still 44 minutes? I remember this battle being much closer to the end. I was wondering when the red walls went away, but I rewinded and saw that they had been slowly burning away after Rey made something hit them. Nice touch.

Ugh my brother and mom will not stop texting.

“You have no place in this story.” Wow Kylo, harsh. Oh shoot I forgot about the lightsaber breaking until they started their Force tug of war with it. I’d always wondered what would happen if someone lightsped through something... I want to say that I realized what she was doing before they told us, but now I realize that they basically told us what she would do when the First Order guy said “they’re preparing to hyperspeed.” so I guess I just caught on to the obvious hints.

God that moment still gives me chills. The silence. The way it sort of goes black and white. The multiple angles. So good.

I know for a fact that I spent the rest of the movie from this point on with my hands over my mouth in a constant stake of shock/fear/anxiety. Oh BB8. Some people thought this was ridiculous. But I had just spent the last few months rewatching the prequels before seeing this, and compared to the stuff R2 does, BB8 clumsily controlling a walker is nothing. Oh how I love Gwendoline Christie. I FORGOT THAT WE SAW HER EYE IN THE MASK. I hope Phasma survived. She’s so awesome. Ok my quality is like horrendous right now so I’m gonna refresh. LOL I FORGOT ABOUT GENERAL HUGS NEARLY ATTEMPTING TO KILL KYLO. Oh I forgot how much I love Crait as a set location. OH AND THE ICE DOG THINGS! LOVE THEM! Poe petting BB8 when he comes back kills me. I like those space age two person laptops. “People believe in Leia.” *Binary Sunset plays* My heart. Ok for a second I was like “This first person camera is like a war movie” and then it turns and we see the trench and I’m like “...ok... ok fine but that was very literal.” The red footsteps. Just... guys this set is so AMAZING. Ugh, these red streaks of dust behind them are so amazing. And when Finn passes in front of the camera, it gets covered in the dust and blurs part of the lens. Just like the Rathtar goo in the Force Awakens. I wonder if that’s going to be like... the thing of the sequels. One shot that has the camera lens partially covered by something. Also, I just wasted time trying to figure out if there’s an official name for that or not... oh well. The winding stripes left behind as they weave around... just... amazing. YEAH! GO CHEWIE! GO REY! Oh my god I forgot about the porg roaring. “Oh, they HATE that ship!” I’M DEAD. Look at the salt and how it forms the crystals in the trench. I love it. I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SHOT OF THE CAVE FULL OF THE RED SALT. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I remember when the trailer had the first shot of the gorilla walkers, and I didn’t notice at first that there were normal AT-ATs next to them, and then I realized these things were twice as big as AT-ATs and I was horrified. See, and now Poe has learned that you can’t always be a hero and is making a good decision. I forgot about Finn’s speeder literally melting as he gets closer. I don’t understand the people who were mad that Rose stopped Finn. I for one was HORRIFIED at just the thought of Finn dying this way and thankful she stopped him. “That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.” The kiss is pointless but I love the line and sentiment behind it. Oh god. Ok. Here come the emotions. Binary Sunset is playing. I was a wreck. And a little of Han and Leia’s Love Theme as she sees the dice. I remember actually noticing that in the theaters and half-sobbing. Oh god the forehead kiss. Oh and he winks at 3PO as he walks by. My heart. This is the specific shot of the gorilla walkers and the AT-ATs in a line that freaked me out. That shot of Luke standing up against all the First Order walkers and ships. Amazing. That shoulder brush though. Kylo’s so dumb, he literally just watched that lightsaber get destroyed, he HELPED destroy it. He should have known something was up, it couldn’t have been repaired that quickly. Purposeful shot of Luke’s feet not moving the salt. That Matrix back bend though. “I will have killed the last Jedi.” He said the title. Also, is that the only time it’s said? Because they say it a lot in Force Awakens but I don’t think so yet in this movie.. “And I will not be the last Jedi.” Ok so now it’s said again by Luke. Purposeful shot of Kylo’s shoe leaving a footprint as he runs to Luke. I’m pretty sure I probably shrieked when he tried to slice Luke in half.

I just now remembered that I’d actually kind of wondered if he’d be a Force projection or something when he first showed up. Because I’d just watched Return of the Jedi like a week earlier and saw Obi-Wan do it, so I wondered if Luke was doing it too. Especially when Poe said Luke was distracting the First Order. It passed my mind and was confirmed when Kylo couldn’t hit him. And here’s where I started to feel like my world was crumbling...

Oh god. My eyes are wet. It hurts. But when I watched it the first time, I really felt like my world was absolutely falling a part and ending forever while I watched Luke die. With the stupid binary sunset in front of him just like when he was a teenager and when he was a baby. One of the first things he ever saw was the binary sunset. I was like “This is beautiful, but that doesn’t mean I’m not completely in pain and dying.” That shot from above of Kylo with the stormtroopers, mirroring a shot from the prequels of Ani. Nice. So do they still have that connection even if Snoke’s dead?

HEY! Hey. Those dice were still visible to Kylo even after Luke was dead... was Leia Force projecting them to Kylo? It wouldn’t take as much work as doing it to everyone else at once from lightyears away. One person, your son, would be easier. So maybe... maybe Leia’s the one continuing the projection of the dice. I’m gonna stick with that theory thanks.

Awww BB8 asked Rey about his antenna, just like when they first met. Remember when people were like “Are Poe and Rey gonna be a thing?!?!?” and of course I’d much prefer that over Reylo thanks. The books! Somehow, that obvious shot of the books goes over so many people’s heads. So many complaints about the books getting burned, when they literally show us that Rey saved them. I had never noticed the bunks in the Millennium Falcon either until I saw that video earlier, and I’m glad I got to actually see one in use since Rose is sleeping in one.

Oh GOD the entirety of the Resistance can fit on the Millennium Falcon... that is NOT good.

I LOVE the scene of the kids retelling the story of Luke. I must have already gone in depth about this 2 years ago, but I love it. Luke became a legend in the end. He didn’t necessarily want to be one, but he’s become one. It was exactly what was in the opening scroll, he restored the spark of hope. That subtle use of the Force by that little boy. With Binary Sunset playing. And I love that last shot of him holding the broom up like a lightsaber.

I nearly forgot that they put in “In loving memory of our princess, Carrie Fisher” at the end. That’s what got me to finally cry. 40 straight minutes of covering my mouth in anxiety, then feeling like my world was crashing down around me as Luke died. Having it dedicated to Carrie made me just start sobbing so hard. Watch that happen again tomorrow.

I remember when I left the theater, at first I was like “What if the boys is Rey’s brother?!” but then... I realized that a huge point of the movie went over my head for a second there.

The fandom got so caught up in figuring out who Rey’s parents are, whether it’s Obi-Wan or Luke or Leia or even Palpatine, that they were mad when Kylo said they were no one. But like... guys... not every single Force user is related to the Skywalkers or anyone else we already know. There were hundreds of Jedi in the prequels, because anyone can be Force sensitive. Obi-Wan’s parents were nobody, Qui-Gon’s parents were nobody, Mace’s parents were nobody. They didn’t come from long lines of Force users (at least in movie lore), BECAUSE THE JEDI WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE KIDS. The Skywalkers aren’t even a long line, it’s just 3 generations at this point. So literally none of the Jedi of the past came from powerful Force users (or at least from ones who got the chance to become Jedi) since that literally goes against the code.

Luke found at least 11 other Force sensitive kids to train alongside Ben, their parents were all definitely nobodies since he’s the last Jedi. Ben is an anomaly, Luke and Leia are anomalies, the Jedi don’t have kids! The fandom got so caught up in figuring out who Rey could be related to, that they forgot that for millennia the individual Jedi were not related to anyone.

Anyone can be Force sensitive. Anyone can be a Jedi. Rey is an example of that. That little boy is an example of that. That’s why I love that the little Force sensitive boy was the final shot of the movie. He was meant to reassure and remind us after the Rey parentage reveal that anyone can end up Force sensitive. They don’t need a famous/powerful parent. They can come from anywhere and be anyone. And I love that that’s the final note of this movie.

Some people were not reassured. Some people couldn’t handle the idea that Rey’s powerful just because she’s Rey, not because she’s someone’s daughter. She HAS to be related to someone to be that powerful, right? But every Jedi before her who was just as powerful wasn’t related to anyone, so why does she have to be?

ANYWAY! I was actually worried over the last 2 years that I’d rewatch The Last Jedi and not like it as much as I did in theaters. I still like it a lot. Even the Canto Bight scenes get redeemed by the costumes and the set being so amazing. But I love the message of don’t be a hero, this is bigger than just you. And I love the message that even if you’re “nobody” from “nowhere” you could still be Force Sensitive and you could still be a Jedi. I love Luke’s send off, I love that he does end up reigniting the spark and being a beam of hope again. I love it.

And I’m excited to see the Rise of Skywalker tomorrow.

[tespuco]

PotC Liveblog: Dead Man’s Chest

I’d been looking forward to rewatching DMC for some time. It was the movie that canonized my OTP and inspired so many amazing Sparrabeth fics. I fondly recalled seeing it in theaters with my family, my eyes and shipper heart growing bigger and wider with every subtext-laden appearance of Jack’s compass. I remembered feeling personally betrayed by Elizabeth’s death-kiss, like the writers had deliberately buoyed my hopes only to ruthlessly crush them. Unlike CotBP, I had only seen DMC once before, and I couldn’t wait to appreciate the complicated Jack/Elizabeth dynamic with more mature eyes.

Boy, was I disappointed. Not by the Sparrabeth, thank the gods, but by literally everything else.

Is it just me or was this movie composed of a bunch of standalone scenes and set pieces strung together? Did they bring in Tim Burton just to direct the visuals of the interrupted wedding scene? Why does the Turkish prison sequence look like the opening cutscene to a high fantasy RPG videogame with the brightness setting turned down to zero?

OK I laughed at Jack popping out of the coffin and using a femur as a paddle, but I’m confused about everything else

Oh look, the crew’s on the verge of mutiny again, and this time it is Jack’s fault

Listen, I have Ted Elliott’s compass meta tattooed on my heart, but in retrospect the “Why is all the rum gone?” scene was probably too subtle. The audience doesn’t even know at this point how the compass is supposed to work. Maybe if they had the balls to actually include the deleted Sparrabeth scenes in CotBP, Jack’s emotional turmoil wouldn’t have seemed so opaque!

Still, a character being Vexed about their affections/feelings and doing a poor job of managing that vexation is my idea of high romance

(and both Jack and Elizabeth are quite vexed with each other indeed)

I CANNOT believe I had to sit through an uninterrupted half hour of racist filler that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot while ticking at least four boxes on my postcolonial bingo card what the fucking fuck

Let’s tally the cinematic sins: unfunny physical comedy in a style that would’ve been more suited to animation; indigenous cannibals speaking in unrealistic, buffoonish gibberish; said cannibals worshiping our hero (and later a dog) as a deity; and worst of all--

All the brown men that Gibbs hired as extras additional crew for the Black Pearl in DMC were put into a separate cage from the recurring white characters from CotBP (btw Anamaria is absent without even a throwaway line of explanation) because apparently even barbaric islanders know and practice segregation

And so segregated, the crew enters the stupidest, most contrived rat race up a cliffside with each other that ends with the brown people’s cage falling into the ravine THEREBY GETTING RID OF ALL THE CHARACTERS OF COLOR IN ONE FELL SWOOP

Also egregious racism aside, I’m put off by the film’s rather cavalier attitude towards gratuitous loss of life? Idk I feel like in the midst of all the action and adventure CotBP knew how to handle death and violence with the appropriate modicum of gravity and horror

Meanwhile on the island Gibbs is just like “oiya we’re standing in cages built from the bones of our former shipmates ha ha”

As for Jack - Jack has yet to save a cat or anything else besides his own skin, so he’s rapidly losing the goodwill he accumulated in the first film

holy shit yet another Elizabeth Swann-related realization about my sexual awakening: her look as a cross-dressing stowaway - pretty, delicate features in a boyish, flat-chested, slender form - is literally my sexuality 

She’s literally pulling the strings of all the men on that ship! What a puppet-master queen

Tia Dalma’s interest in Will and the “touch of destiny” line is an interesting bit of foreshadowing that doesn’t get any payoff in this film. DMC and AWE have been criticized for being impossible to watch as standalone films, but I think there’s something to be said for a universe that strives for internal continuity and demands more than a casual investment in its proceedings (a related but distinct model from the MCU)

If you gave me half a reason to I would ship Jack Sparrow with anybody and everybody. Look at the flirtatious lines and looks he exchanges with Tia Dalma!! Give me that story! (Actually, artaxastra did, twice: once in her standalone Creole!Jack origin story, And All of Them True, and once again in Gods and Heroes, a Jack/Calypso interlude in her Outlaws and Inlaws ‘verse)

Tia Dalma’s acceptance (and release) of Jack’s payment for her services tells me two things about her that I really like: (1) she’s like a magpie that collects interesting miscellany (witty tricksters, cunning pirate lords, undead monkeys). and (2) she’s not interested in caging creatures (the foreshadowing!!)

FINALLY WE GET SOME JACK/ELIZABETH INTERACTION

God bless Keira’s face and acting choices!! The chemistry!! All the little smiles and smirks they share!!

How doth she look at thee? Let me count all the ways: her amused, tentatively credulous smile at Jack’s storytelling and posturing over a magical compass and chest, while Norrington scoffs disbelievingly in the background; her having to bite her lips and walk away before Jack notices her giddiness because she literally cannot handle their flirting; her little laugh as he gently rebuffs the idea that he’s a good man

Also “I have faith in you. Both of you,” were her parting words to Will and here she gets a chance to tell Jack in person yay

Their little dance of “persuasion” is hot and all (Jack literally looks like he has to bite back a groan and whimper), but I’m really here for the banter (“Friendly?” / “Decidedly not.”); they get each other, and, under the right conditions, can communicate so effortlessly

“Why doesn’t your compass work?” - alright so ofc I love the legendary “curiosity” exchange, but I’m so confused by the abrupt transition in their conversation here? Like why didn’t she follow through and tug on that line of inquiry?? The “Because you and I are alike” line that follows makes no logical sense in context (ETA: I guess it could suggest that Elizabeth already knows why the compass doesn't work for him, because he's torn between doing the right thing and the selfish thing... But at this point she doesn't suspect him of lying to her, so...idek)

“You’d never put me in a position that would compromise my honor” - my god what a TEASE my queer heart

Oh, Norrington, what’s happened to you?? What happened to serving others, not just himself?? :(( It kinda confuses me that he goes on about the “dark side of ambition” and the “promise of redemption” when he’s the one who voluntarily resigned from his post...

Norrington carrying both shovels while Jack just poses prettily though lol

JACK’S COMPASS FINALLY WORKS FOR HIM BECAUSE THE TWO THINGS HE WANTS MOST IN THE WORLD--THE CHEST AND ELIZABETH--ARE IN THE SAME PLACE AND HE KNOWS IT

idk I guess some people find the three-way swordfighting scene hilarious but I’m with Elizabeth on this one: men are stupid 

ugh this script makes no sense

I’m so fucking confused by the narrative logic here: if Jones is dead, there’s no one to call off the Kraken?? But isn’t Jones the one calling the Kraken in the first place, to settle Jack’s debt? So if they killed Jones, wouldn’t the debt be null and void? NO JONES, NO KRAKEN, DUUUH.

OK but Jack is really unlikable in this film, last-minute “heroic” acts notwithstanding. Give me fix-it fics please

I mean it’s rather telling that by the time Jack returns to the Pearl there are only enough survivors to fill a single longboat. Oh yes he “saved them all” - the few that were left!!

This script has more holes in it than the Pearl does right now: everyone unquestioningly follows Will’s orders like he’s the captain (what happened to the dork who shouted, “Aye! Avast!”?? And there’s no evidence that since his engagement post-CotBP he’s practiced any sailing)

I mean it’s like no one but Elizabeth even noticed Jack was gone; the moment he comes back Gibbs chirps, “Captain, orders?” as if he never left. This coward just abandoned you all!!!

“It’s only a ship, mate.” - This is actually just the saddest line, and I’m glad Elizabeth was there to witness it because if there’s one thing she took away from their fireside conversation in CotBP it’s that the Black Pearl is more than a ship to Jack; what it really is is freedom, and here Jack’s set to lose both

And that’s what Elizabeth--not the Kraken--definitively takes from Jack: his freedom. Not just his ability to run away from his fate, but also the chance to take a stand and face it. (I like to think that, more than the murderous act itself, is what he finds so hard to forgive post-DMC. The darker Jack in salr323′s oneshot, Perfidy, written post-AWE, articulates this eloquently: “You know nothing of my debt, love, nor of my payment. But had you allowed me a nobler death, my account might have been lighter.”) His last act of defiance entails reclaiming what choice he has left: slipping slickly out of his shackles, hat on, “hello beastie,” into the monster’s maw.

Ugh they could have given Jack’s whole arc with Davy Jones such PATHOS instead of waiting until the very end--he struck a deal with the devil in all his youth and despair and hubris; now the bell is tolling and he realizes 13 years is nothing, no time at all, and he’s not ready to die; not today, not ever--yes it’s selfish and dishonorable (Will’s willing to square the debt of a father he hardly ever knew; he wouldn’t have blinked at paying his own) but how human is that? to fight and run even as the flames lick your heels? 

omg Jack is the jackrabbit

The irony of that eulogy still gives me feelings tho: “Guess that honest streak finally won out.” Elizabeth wrested away Jack’s control over his own story, so now she has to write it for him. When she toasts, “He was a good man,” it’s in both unearned homage and recompense. 

“And the world is a little less bright.” - OK but that’s too much. Moving words from Gibbs, but here it’s like he’s speaking directly to/for the audience, and not in a good way. It’s too obviously meta, and especially out of place in a film where Jack did not shine very bright at all

In-universe, it’s not very believable that two pirates like Pintel and Ragetti--who mutinied against Jack before, without a hint of remorse!--would now risk their lives to save him

Honestly if Disney wanted to include familiar faces/fan favorites in the supporting cast for AWE, they could’ve easily written a more realistic line like, “what the hell do we have to lose?” or some more selfish motive, none of these panegyrics

btw who are the native people standing in the swampwater? holding candles with mournful tears in their eyes?? no seriously who are they??? (I dearly hope such a striking tableau was meant to hint at Jack’s history with Tia Dalma and the residents of this bayou, but the more cynical part of me thinks: “Now hiring: extras of color, to play the part of human candlesticks lit in exaltation of an ambiguously white man” The writers get no benefit of the doubt from me after forcing me to sit through that cannibal island act)

It sounds sadistic of me but seeing how anguished Elizabeth is after claiming she’s not sorry gives me life

She keeps crying, and can’t even bring herself to drink Tia Dalma’s concoction against cold and sorrow! She just fakes a sip, which is such a great little character beat, because it shows she doesn’t think she deserves the remedy! She’ll just have to live with it...

That is, until Will decides he can’t stand the sight of her grief, and opens up Pandora’s box for her despite just catching her passionately kissing another man: “If there was anything to be done to bring him back, Elizabeth...” He really is too good for this world

And Elizabeth MUST know there’s a price, that she’d be staking not just her own life and happiness but her betrothed’s, and yet selfishly, always selfish, she says, “Yes” 

BARBOSSA!!! Still the most epic character reveal ever. I still remember the theater bursting into gasps and applause, good times

[porg-damneron]

Over the last few days I’ve really been reflecting on my journey as a Star Wars fan. Honestly it’s been such a big part of my life for so long. Like yes I was a Potterhead before I became a Star Wars fan but as much as I loved those books, it’s nothing on how obsessed I was and am with Star Wars. I remember being in 7th grade when started paving through this LEGO Star Wars book that my aunt bought my brother because he liked LEGOs and for some reason I just started reading it and suddenly I was swept away by the story and I’d actually seen EP I before but had mostly brushed it off. But after that seemingly random encounter with that book I fell down the longest rabbit hole and dragged my entire family with me. Luke Skywalker was arguably my first fictional crush and I was OBSESSED. Like I had posters, print-outs, and hand drawn art all over one wall of my room and went on to buy the big clunky toy version of his lightsaber. Over that year I collected all the movies on DVD, read the novelizations of the films, read part of the screenplays for the original trilogy, bought the huge hardback visual dictionary and religiously lugged that thing to and from school. I swear I knew the most obscure niche things because of that book...

Then came the new trilogy. I can’t put into words how I felt sitting in a movie theater on Christmas Day in 2015, four years since my journey had started, about to see the 9th film I never would have dreamed would be made. Seeing all of that on a huge screen, the theme music, the familiar opening, but this time brand new, not a rerun. Say what you want about the movie itself but I remember walking out of the theater feeling like I was walking on clouds.

In my senior year of high school, I remember going to Rogue One with my dad, brother, and one of his friends. This time we went to an IMAX theater with the perfect seats in the center of the back row. Again, I was blown away and couldn’t believe how well done it was, even if everyone had to die.

Then The Last Jedi, my freshman year of college. This time with my mom and brother. Same theater, similar seats, and I walked out of that movie on a high. In my opinion then, and still to this day, it was the best Star Wars film since Return of the Jedi. It still sits snuggly at #4 on my ranking of the films beneath the original trilogy.

Solo... oh Solo... admittedly my hopes weren’t TOO high but hey, Donald Glover as a young Lando? Sign my the HELL UP. Admittedly most of my beef with Solo is because I read 1.2 books of A.C. Crispin’s Han Solo trilogy and therefore had a very clear vision of what I consider to be the Han Solo origin story. (Honestly, check them out, they’re GOOD). Therefore I kind of try to pretend that movie didn’t exist for anything except for some sweet Han Solo merch and again Donald Glover as Lando.

Then I’d kind of let my love for the films sleep for a while, admittedly until the Rise of Skywalker trailer dropped and now I’m hopelessly obsessed again... I rewatched The Last Jedi twice last week for the first time since I saw it in the theaters and god it really is just THAT GOOD. This all leads up to why I converted my mostly-dead main blog into a Star Wars blog, both to pay homage to my first and eternal love, but also to control my Star Wars crazy from overrunning my mostly-Marvel-but-technically-multifandom sideblog, @that-is-americas-ass-you-know-it

[spaceorphan18]

Spaceorphan’s Movie Reviews: Batman (1989)

Before settling down to watch (and rewatch) all the films related to Marvel properties, I thought it’d be fun to take a look back over at DC.  Batman was probably the first superhero I was aware of? Since he (and Superman to a lesser extent) were the most well-known superheroes in the cultural zeitgeist.  I still say DC’s merchandising is far more prominent among children than Marvel, so of course, even in the late 80s, when I was a very young little person, I knew who Batman was.  

Of course, before 1989, there were other iterations of the character, most notably the Adam West series (and TV movies) of the 60s.  I remember catching those old episodes when it reran on Nick-at-Nite in during the 80s - I mean they were ridiculously campy, which of course also makes them family friendly, and so we had them on all the time.    Then Tim Burton came along and updated Batman to be dark and gritty.  (Like the comics! Actually, I have no idea, I’ve never read any Batman comics, so I can’t actually comment on that.)  Of course, being six at the time of theatrical release, I didn’t know what a big deal this would be.  

I don’t remember when I first watched the film.  It wasn’t in the theaters (I was too young - but not too young to see the sequel!), but I did see it a lot once it came out on VHS.  And I’ll be honest with you, it straight up scared me as a kid.  The Burton-esque imagery, mixed with dark cinematography, and the horror-esque elements of the film really seared into my young brain.  It wasn’t a film I sought out (though I don’t remember my parents watching it either, even though we owned it, I wonder if my brother watched it) but it was one that had a lasting impression, much like Ghostbusters and Back to the Future - it’s a film that I vividly remember from my childhood.  

The interesting thing (to me) is that I haven’t seen it (until now) since I was a kid.  I can think of no time as an actual adult that I’ve had the chance to pop it in again and watch it.  But, interestingly, there wasn’t a single moment of the film that I had forgotten - watching it again after, maybe, fifteen-twenty years, I really do remember every beat of this film.  However, maybe for the first time, I really understand the film as it’s intended - cause, yeah, it’s not a kids’ film (even if there was a ton of merchandising for kids - which there was, we had a toy batmobile and batwing).  

So, how does this film hold up all these years later? Surprisingly well - for what it is.  

So, maybe this is the analytical person in me, but I think this film is, maybe, more fun to talk about than to actually watch.  Of all the super fascinating things going on - the plot is the least interesting part of it, even the film itself seems to loosely hinge on the random things The Joker decides to do and is a little, meh, don’t think too hard about it.   To sum it up quickly - Gotham is being run by a crime ring and mob bosses and Batman is single handedly taking them down.  Meanwhile, The Joker is a crazed guy who wants to be bigger than the mob bosses who whole him back, and after he nearly dies in a vat of acid - he decides to become even more of a psychopathic killer and tries to kill everyone.  Because why not?

First, standing out to me much more as an adult, is all the Tim Burton-ishness about it.  Which I don’t say as a bad thing.  He has a certain Gothic, horror, cartoon-ish style, which I may say, is slightly toned down in this film than a lot of others.  Visually, I think he was a good choice of director, I think the film has such a captivating stylized look that it holds my attention when the plot doesn’t.  I think what stood out to me the most was that Burton went a drearily dark, with an occasional splash of white that made the whole film almost seem like it was in black and white - which was purposefully contrasting to the colorfulness of The Joker.  I mean, Burton is purposely giving artistry to the cinematography in a way that I don’t necessarily see in superhero films anymore, and I think that’s kind of cool.  There are times when the film is, maybe, too (literally) dark - but I feel like had the technology been just a bit better, it would have helped.  

Burton also seems to be aware of the special effects limitations of the time, because at no point was I taken out by how cheesy the graphics looked (it helps that there weren’t very man), and some of the scarier images from when I was a kid, like when The Joker kills the guy by incinerating him, hold up pretty well.  Some of the fight scenes seem weaker and stiff, not helped by the fact that I don’t think Michael Keaton could move much in that suit, but the action isn’t overdone.  The action sequences aren’t what they are today, by any means, but I think they work fine given the era of the film - I don’t really judge them for that.  

So - Michael Keaton’s Batman.  Does he do a good job? I say mostly.  As Bruce Wayne, I completely buy him.  He’s a bit charming, a bit reserved, a bit mysterious, and a bit crazy - and when Keaton is actually allowed to do something with the character, he comes alive pretty well.  The unfortunate thing is that this film really isn’t about Batman - it’s about The Joker (which I’ll get to in a moment) and therefore we don’t get to see much of Bruce Wayne doing anything - except staring off into the distance thinking about things.  I get The Joker is iconic and everything, but Keaton has made Bruce Wayne interesting enough that I do wish there had been more - because his character doesn’t get to move much beyond ‘brooding about my parents; murder thirty years ago’.  

As for Batman himself, he’s… fine.  I don’t really have any complaints, but he feels incredibly limited - more so because of the suit, and the constricting ability to do much while wearing it than anything in Keaton’s performance.  It makes sense that Batman would be a near silent warrior, but not being able to see Keaton’s expressive face holds this version back a bit.  

Meanwhile… The Joker.  Before I rented the film again, I was looking through some old reviews - and many of them mentioned that this film seemed to be more about The Joker than Batman.  And I was a bit taken aback.  I hadn’t remembered it that way.  However, it wasn’t like I was paying that much attention as a kid.  But yes, it’s true, this film really is not Batman’s film.  It’s The Joker’s.  And I understand why - The Joker is possibly one of the most intriguing characters and villains in all of literature.  He’s a character who merges tragedy, comedy, and psychopathy all in one - and yes all three are in this film.  I’m sure there are hundreds of think-pieces on The Joker as a character - understandably so.  So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at how much of the film he takes up.  

I’m not invested enough to say who played The Joker the best, I hardly think comparisons are necessary (even if inevitable), but I really like Jack Nicholson in the role.  More so now than what I remembered.  Nicholson really embodies that whole crazed-lunatic pretty well, and I think he’s captivating enough that he does steal the show from Batman himself.  I feel like there are so many people who discuss The Joker, much better than I can, that I won’t elaborate much more.  But yes, Jack Nicholson’s Joker is pretty amazing, and I think it holds up relatively well.  

Rounding out the limited cast is Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale.  And, well, she’s… there.  Despite being the literal stand-in for the audience during most of the craziness - an outsider coming into Gotham and being a conduit between Batman and The Joker.  She doesn’t get much to do and is the pretty standard obligatory love interest.  Keaton and Basinger don’t have that much chemistry - but I don’t blame them, they really only have one big scene to sell the romance, and for me, that’s just not enough.  You just really aren’t given any reason why these people would like each other more than they’re supposed to.  

Meanwhile - during the scene where The Joker is dancing around with Vicki - I kept think about that one test where if the woman is replaced with a lamp, would it change the scene?  And no - no it really wouldn’t.  I get the time period of the film, and how the ‘romance’ angle is kind of beat by beat what you would find in most films around this time, so I’m not judging too harshly.  But still, she’s almost third wheel to the more entertaining and layered dance Batman and The Joker are having throughout the film.  

Smaller Thoughts: 

Prince was the official artist of this films’ soundtrack - and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it.  The film has such a 40s-esque feel about it that when something slams it into the modern 80s, it feels a little jarring.  At the same time, the dirtiness of 80s New York, and the cultural materialism is all over this film, so the Prince songs fit nicely in.  It’s a weird dichotomy.  

Music, in general, is also what sells this film - and keeps it at ‘Classic’ level.  Danny Elfman (Tim Burton’s go to director, and a personal favorite of mine) does amazing things with the score - and helps deliver the atmosphere Burton is going for.  

I have a soft spot for Alfred - even if he weirdly decides to bring Vicki to the Batcave unannounced.   She’ll disappear next film anyway - so ultimately it won’t matter. 

I kind of enjoy the fact that Jack Nicholson insisted the actor who played Bob be in the film - and that Bob is unceremoniously and somewhat randomly killed off.  

This film is very murdery - even Batman is murdery.  He tries to kill off The Joker whenever he gets the chance.  

Billy Dee Williams is here as Harvey Dent - so that’s a super interesting thread that was never pulled on again.  

Most of the government/police force was kind of meh - and I couldn’t even really tell who Commissioner Gordon was.  

I did really like the flashback to Bruce Wayne’s parents’ deaths.  That guy who they had play a young Jack Nicholson? Spot on.  

There’s a lot of mask symbolism throughout the film.  Again, I’m impressed by Burton as an artist - and as someone who’s willing to tell a more layered film within a superhero film.   

Things that scared me as a kid: The mimes, the parade floats, The Joker’s girlfriend wearing that mask, the two dead models, the dead mob guy being burnt to a crisp, The Joker’s grin, The Joker’s laugh, really every time Jack Nicholson was on screen, and that laugh box that kept going after The Joker had died.  This film really did use to scare me.  

Final Thoughts: This film was incredibly interesting and enjoyable to come back to as an adult.  I don’t think it’s entirely rewatchable - it’s plodding along at a snail’s pace during some sequences, and I don’t think the plot is that engaging.  But I do think there’s a lot of artistry here given to us by Burton, and worth coming back to every now and then to see a film that would inspire superhero films for decades to come.  

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

A horror movie enthusiast’s thoughts on Halloween (2018)...

***warning: possible spoilers ahead (Also this is gonna be long)***

I was introduced to the horror genre at a very young age. Around five or so, if I remember correctly. I remember that I was at my dad’s friend’s house, and someone had put on “Jeepers Creepers”, the original one. I remember being absolutely terrified by the monster/demon/thing. But also terribly fascinated by a movie that 1. wasn’t an animated princess movie, and 2. depicted such graphic violence and scary images. The next day, my cousin and I were playing with walkie talkies and she kept scaring me by singing the Jeepers Creepers song. It scared me because I thought that, by singing the song, the monster would show up and eat us.

As a child, I had access to the library in my school, and nearly every single time we were sent to pick a book, I picked an edition of “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark”. The images scared me. The stories scared me. But I couldn’t stop reading everything, delighting in it in some twisted way.

The next horror film I watched was when I was around ten or so? It was the American version of “The Ring”. And instead of scaring me to the point of crying, I was incredibly fascinated by how it made me feel. Afraid, but in a way that felt exhilarating and FUN. My mom let me watch “Alien” and “Aliens” with her, which, though not classified as horror films, gave me the same rush.

From that point on, I was hooked. We’d go to the movie rental store and I’d rent scary movies that were popular at the time. I’d always search for scary TV shows to watch, like ghost hunting shows and other scary things. I became obsessed with the paranormal, playing with Ouija boards and doing hours and hours of research.

After a terrifying REAL experience with ghosts in which I was actually scared for my life, I took a long break from watching scary films. But that sure didn’t keep me away from them once I’d calmed down. Every horror film that was coming out, I was going to see. Every horror film on Netflix, I was watching. Ghost Adventures on TV? You bet I was watching it. Literally ANYTHING Tim Burton related? Yep, I’m on it. I was reading scary stories. I was doing research on horror films themselves and why people like me like them. I had nightmares and sleep paralysis and be extremely paranoid. But I couldn’t stop.

I started to learn the tricks and ins-and-outs that made horror movies, in my opinion, good. I learned that I dislike excessive jumpscares, and I avoid movies that seem like that’s all they’ll be -like several modern-day horror films like the recent “Insidious” entries and such. I realized that, as a music enthusiast as well, the music was what set the tone for me. If I thought the music -or lack thereof done properly- was great at causing suspense, I was feeling more scared. I learned that tension was more fun than jumpscares. Modern movies I love include the first two “Insidious” movies, “The Conjuring” series, and “Mama”. What I love about those films is not only the great background music, but the story and the lack of useless jumpscares. The imagery and focus of the shots are incredibly fun to watch, seeing things move in the background without the characters noticing, all that fun stuff.

But, with all the scary movies that come out nowadays, I’ve sorta lost my love for them. Nothing has really given me a good, fun scare in a long time. (”Annabelle: Creation” doesn’t count; that movie was both jumpscare heavy and openly too terrifying for me.) When I heard they were doing yet another “Halloween” sequel, I was prepared to have some good fun with my favourite classic slasher film.

I watched the original “Halloween” around twelve or so. I thought it was a good, campy slasher. My mom saw it when she was really little and has been scared of it ever since. Every year around Halloween-time, I scare her by playing the music around her or sending her pics of Michael Meyers that I find in costume shops. To me, it wasn’t scary. I had a ball watching it, not getting the real scares from it, but just having a good time watching the utterly silent Michael Meyers walk around just killing horny teenagers. Classic. I remember watching a marathon of the movies and barely remembering them because they weren’t as good or as fun as the first one. I’d resigned myself to “Halloween” being just a classic favourite of mine, nothing more.

Tonight, I saw the 2018 sequel, which takes place forty years after the events of the original movie....and I’m just...in shock. I went into the theater thinking I’d just crack jokes with my dad and cheer Michael on.

I left the theater with my heart pounding, my legs shaking, and a huge smile on my face. I knew I’d come home and be paranoid walking from my car to the backdoor. I know I’ll probably be paranoid for several weeks and see Michael everywhere.

I sat through that movie either bouncing my legs in my normal ADHD way and making commentary with my dad, or curled up in silent, paralyzed anxiety. This movie, for all the hype it got, was, in my opinion, horror gold. Story-wise, it was fantastic, of course. A wonderful sequel to the original, with homages galore and many tracks from the original score which brought back a lot of memories.

But from someone who had nearly given up on modern-day horror movies, this one gave me hope. Each shot was scary, the jumpscares wonderfully played out with not a lot of fake-outs, the music -the MUSIC- played just  like in the original (which I thought at first would make this cheesy, but it was only scarier), and the tension tension tension was palpable. The entire movie was full of it. Every single scene with Michael in it was filled with silence and shaking heads from us in the audience, each of us helpless as he killed yet again.

I was unable to make jokes during this movie. I was too busy holding my breath and gasping in shock. I was too busy bouncing my leg, then pulling them both up and holding myself. The last twenty minutes or so, I was just...staring at the screen, my heart pounding. I had never felt so hushed in a theater while watching a horror film in my whole life. It felt like I was being held on a string with scissors dangerously close every time the music stopped. I was no longer playfully cheering Michael Meyers on, “Yasssss, honey, kill those stupid teens, yassss”. I was genuinely SCARED of him. I’d lived my whole life never once scared of Michael Meyers. I pranked my mom every single year with him. Even when her husband, who’s a big guy, ran around the house with the mask on, I was laughing more than anything. But I am now actually terrified of this deranged, masked killer. I understand how scared my mom was when she was little. I understand her fear after all these years. I actually ran from my car to my door, looking out into my pitch black backyard, actually afraid that I would see the dirty white of the mask before I inevitably was killed.

I can’t stop thinking about each scene where he killed someone. Each scene where he appeared out of nowhere, completely silent and merciless as he killed and killed and killed. The ending (SPOILER), I thought would satisfy me. After all these years, was Michael Meyers FINALLY dead? At long last, was the nightmare over? It...It’s hard to tell. We never actually saw his body being burned up. We just had to assume he died in the fire. I don’t know if that was deliberate to keep us guessing -which is genius-, but it was terrifying nonetheless.

Did I enjoy myself? Absolutely. It was a wonderful homage to my favourite classic slasher. It had all the classic Michael Meyers traits, like the eerie way he sits up when knocked down, the head tilt, his love of stabbing people and hanging them from things. Hearing the classic music was wonderful. The story was perfect and made sense. The twist -if you can call it that- was a little predictable but quickly resolved. The continuous shots, especially the ones in complete silence, were absolutely incredible to watch. As soon as the credits started, I felt like I’d just gone through a life-changing experience.

What is it about “Halloween” and Michael Meyers that brings a smile to my face? Is it the fact that he never once -not even once in over ten films that’ve been made- utters a single word? Barely even makes a sound unless he’s been, like, hurt or something. His superhuman strength, able to take on every single victim he goes through? His odd fascination with his kills -the head tilt as he looks at his victims? Why is the music so scary, even though it seems like cheesy 70s synth? I’m just...so confused and amazed that this franchise has been going off and on for over forty years and it’s THIS movie that actually scares me. Maybe because it takes place in modern day, instead of years and years ago?

Whatever the reason, I hope horror filmmakers take note. THIS is how you make a good, memorable scary movie. Don’t use jumpscares as a crutch. Jumpscares are the laziest way to scare people. If people wanted jumpscares, they could go to a haunted house. But this movie did horror so WELL. The tension was fantastic. The music was great. The shots were done beautifully. The actors were all incredible. I just love every bit of this movie and wish I could just rewatch it for the first time over and over and over. If more horror movies were done like this, I would pay more money to see them in theaters.

Ok, mega post over. I just loved the movie so so much and I wanted to share my too-big feelings before I attempt to go to sleep and make myself understand that Michael isn’t in my closet.

[praphit]

“TG Maverick”: The Kool-Aid

I had no intention of seeing this movie. I saw the trailer. I thought to myself -  "Here's another sequel that's decades too late". But, the first movie is a classic, and those fans were excited, so good for them. Then, early in the week for the opening, I saw that RT gave it 95%.

"What?!"

People, and I say this respectfully, 1986 "Top Gun" (classic as it may be) is NOT a good movie. I know that's blasphemous. I'm sorry. This isn't a sitch where I remembered the movie fondly, but when I watched it again, it stunk. I remember, as a kid, thinking this movie was bad; the whole experience, really:

Trying to fit-in with kids (and those older) who were true delusional fans of the film. I remember the video games being bad. I remember the arcade game being bad. I can remember other games trying to be like "Top Gun" arcade games. Some of these games had the realistic components of what it's like to be in a jet. You'd climb in, strap in, pay however much it was to start the game. But, it always ended the same for me - the contraption awkwardly jerking around, while I stare confused at the screen, I couldn't hit anybody with my missiles, and as I question why I'm even playing this game (that I clearly hate) I'd get blown up.

TOP GUN!  :)

So, again I say "What?!"

I thought, well, it's early... surely it'll go down to reality once the movie comes out (subconsciously wanting it to fail? - maybe? Idk. I just need the world to make sense). Nope. It came out and it's now 97% from critics and 99% from fans.

"WHAT?!" Is it because of Memorial Day (patriotism and all)? Is the cult fan base that strong that it has infiltrated the critics? A friend of mine went to see it. He came back and reported to me "Dude, this might be the best movie of the year."

I replied "Get the bleep out of here! Are you bleeping with me?! Did the Scientologists drug your popcorn? It just can't be!"

I LOVE Tom Cruise, but... it can't be.

So, I rewatched "Top Gun". Correction, I tried to rewatch it, thinking maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember it. People, it's worse than I remember it. I couldn't finish (and that's with me fast forwarding through parts).

It's a movie about pilots risking their lives to be the best. That's it. There was a homoerotic volleyball scene that comes out of nowhere. I don't care about the oily-man-energy juice that's splashing about in all directions, but it should lead to something.

The main characters - Maverick and Iceman really want to bang each other, but they never do (very disappointing:).  And the dialogue.... ugh... painful. I couldn't merely fast forward, I had to drink booze while doing so; it was that bad at parts.

I just don't understand. 97%?! People, I lost sleep over this.  I had to see it for myself.

I get to the theater and I'm disheveled. The success of this sequel had been haunting me.

I'm looking around at a crowd that I'm not used to. Normally, I'm rolling with the horror, action, and comic book geeks. This was a different vibe. Not as bad as I thought it would be. I expected people waving American flags in the back, and military bro's gushing over the jets and chest-bumping throughout; none of that happened :) There were a handful of proud, patriotic coughers (not sure if their throats were caked in old person goo or disease, but you know the type of coughers I'm talking about ; )

We start out with Tom Cruise (Maverick) - smoldering, showing off his muscles, soaked in that oily-man-energy juice. Then, he started getting dressed, combing his hair, brushing his perfect teeth.... this is when I realized that the movie hadn’t started yet. This was Tom's everyday routine. He was eating something healthy. I don't remember what it was... sliced apples and oatmeal, maybe... with a lil bit of crack sprinkled on top.  Then, he jumped on his bike, and rode like a bat out of hell... off to do some crazy stunt shit.

When the movie does start there's an actual mission this time. There's a uranium enrichment facility that our enemy has, that has gotz to go! Problem is, it's a suicide mission. Maverick has gotta come in and train the best of the best pilots. Ed Harris (no one plays no-nonsense, crotchety old white man quite like him) was going to stop Maverick, but failed.

(he smells fun, and he doesn’t like it)

Jon Hamm (who plays... imagine a substitute teacher, who knows that the class is really bad, so he overcompensates by cramming extra sticks up his butt to intimidate the students) hates Maverick, so he's like "Anybody but him!" Which honestly, makes sense. Would you want to put your career and lives of your pilots in the hands of a man named "Maverick"?

  But, they can't stop him, cuz he's Tom Cruise! - and his charm and talent will always prevail.

His charm had me from the jump. The intensity of the mission and the training for the missions had me, immediately.

  Jennifer Connelly was up in here

Val (Iceman) was back!

The homoeroticism was back!, but it made sense this time. 

(Miles Teller - making us all wanna get shirtless and dance)

Kenny Loggins was back!

While I still looked disheveled, I did not feel that way anymore. I was all in. Everyone in that theater was all in. You could feel the people uniting in spirit as the film went on. We were all one (even the proud, patriotic coughers).

I realized that this wasn't the same Tom from the 80's, who participated in that horrible "classic". This is "Jerry Maguire" Tom. This was Mission Impossible Tom. This is Jack Reacher Tom. THIS Tom.... say what you will about his personal life, but THIS Tom knows something about captivating an audience.

There's weight and stakes to this sequel:

The background people had soul. The last movie, the bg people were just there to look 80's. There's beef between Maverick and Miles Teller's character (Goose) that's real and plays out in a real way. There's kind of a Mr Miyagi to Karate Kid thing happening between Maverick and the pilots. It's got breaking the rules, BUT doing so to do what's right. It's wholesome and yet dangerous. There's the weight of the risk that the pilots are taking; in just practice!

I'm a musician. I've ran some militant band practices, but no one was ever at risk of dying.

J. Conn brings in some family element. 

Some old time dating. Some might make fun of a "sex scene" between Connelly and Cruise. Some might say it's too Hallmark. Shame on you, people. Not every sex scene needs to be kinky! This wasn't just any sex scene - this was about love, passion, freedom, life, redemption... this was about America. If you can't tell, at this point, I had plunged my whole head into the Kool-Aid punch bowl, and took all of the gulps.

Afterwards, there was pillow talk with Tom (great idea for a show). As she stares into those shiny, perfect teeth of his. Then, there's a battle, with Tom Cruise by your side. He makes you laugh, he makes you scared... then confident, and then you feel like a badass, cuz you know Tom muthableepin Cruise is on your side. There's teamwork. There's forgiveness! And the dialogue didn't make me want to drink!

People I love this movie!

This ain't nostalglia. This is them taking 30 plus years to get the action, production, and writing perfect. From the action scenes to the heartfelt scene, they never miss.

I get it now - with Comic book movies getting darker, 

comedy getting canceled, 

and the world generally being terrible at every turn, we all needed a movie designed to make us cheer, believe, and feel good. I haven't felt this good even in CHURCH in a while.

A+

That's not a typo. I'm one of them now. I said "A PLUS!"

Sitting next to my friend in the theater, with all kinds of emotions coursing through me.... all I could say (while holding back a tear of joy) was 

"Tom muthableepin Cruise."

Walking out of the movie, I'm fist pumping and celebrating with the patriotic bro's and proud coughers. I'm confident that the power of Cruise's smile will keep us all from getting sick.

I got in the car and shouted "Tom Muthableepin Cruise! BLEEP!"

I see clearly now (at least at the time of writing this... by the time y'all read this, my cynicism may have returned).

That's my testimony.

I'm not sure how to end this post; I'm still on this high. There's still a chance that the Scientologists did drug my popcorn. And that you might see me in the next Netflix Docuseries about their church. You might see me hugging Tom, bringing him some coffee, admiring his sips, and being inspired.

Tom muthableepin Cruise.