#you can limit yourself and experiences like that
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HIAHA I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE MR SCARLETELLA CAN YOU WRITE MORE. so odd and unsettling and obscene m just giggling with delight
HIIII thank you so much for the high praise <3 this has kind of a different vibe from the last one but plays with similar-esque concepts!!!! this is 'weird and obscene' LMAO
Notes: Suggestive, mild body horror, bolded = dialogue in the Other World's language.
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How do you touch a man without a physical form? Or, you suppose, 'man' isn't quite the correct term. 'Apparition' would perhaps best describe him. Though he can reach out to you and make you feel the illusion of touch, you can't actually make contact with him. Your hand passes through him as if he were nothing but air.
You don't think he minds. It's always a bit hard to tell, with him. Mr. Scarletella ususally just stares you down with a dead look, communication relatively limited. But you would like to touch him! So you experiment a little, an action for which no mutually intelligible word exists. Still, he doesn't move as you poke and prod at different parts of his body, coming up short every single time.
You crouch down before poking at his ankle, just in case. When you look up, your heart stops for just a moment. Mr. Scarletella's neck is snapped back, folded in on itself in order to observe you. Vacant-seeming eyes are trained on your every movement. The sight makes you feel squeamish. "God... Not do," you tell him. "Head look hurt. Not funny." There's no other way you can think of to put it. You get up and stick your hand down, waving your hand in the other direction at the side of his head. He seems to understands what you mean, as his skull snaps back in its usual direction. You circle around him. "Sorry. Not want upset you." He says, although you know he'll never really listen or learn, not when it comes to these things. "Me like you. You like me." As if you'd ever forget. You beckon him. Rather than simply leaning down, his form flickers, distorting, before reappearing in the desired position. There's just one place you haven't touched yet. Once again, you extend your hand, the tips of your fingers brushing against the top of his umbrella. The surface is smooth to the touch and wets your skin, accompanied by a small burst of static ringing in your ears. It takes a moment for the significance to register. "Oh! I can touch your umbrella!" You say, forgetting the Other World's language in excitement over your discovery. Even though it's relatively small. You can't touch Mr. Scarletella himself, but the umbrella appears to be 'realer' than the rest of him. ...Actually, maybe the umbrella is a part of his body? He's not human, after all. He doesn't have to exist according to your logic. Your brow furrows. The puzzle pieces of language move in your mind, until they're slotted together semi-coherently. You point at his arm. "Arm you." Then, you do the same for his leg. "Leg you." You wave your arm up and down. "Body you." Finally, you lift your hand in the direction of the umbrella. "Object you? Me can touch object. Touch you?" Mr. Scarletella's smile widens. It reveals a little bit of the void that stretches on behind his lips. "I see. Correct. Object me. Object is..." After which he lowers his umbrella and says a word you haven't heard before. You try to repeat it, and he says it once again, pointing the umbrella in your direction. "Touch umbrella. I want."
It's definitely... Weird. It's genuinely like touching an umbrella. Cold and smooth and slightly wet. But Mr. Scarletella wanted you to do it, and you're kind of intrigued yourself, so you do it. Because there's clearly something happening. As you trace your fingers over the outer canopy, making sure to at least touch every panel a little bit, his visible form starts to flicker and fade. When you apply a bit more pressure, move a little faster, parts of him start to distort and change colour. His arm appears a little dislodged from his shoulder, static rising in the background.
When you pinch one of the metal tips in between your fingers and rub it, he lets out a laugh that is far more high-pitched than you would've expected it to sound like. Clearly, there's some kind of link between the umbrella and the rest of himself. Though you can't envision what it must be like, he's feeling something. Your hand pauses. In the blink of an eye, Mr. Scarletella has materialised even closer to you, nose close enough to touch yours, if it could. The inky darkness of his pupils makes up most of what you can see.
"Me like. Like like like like." He sounds breathy despite not breathing. "Touch more. Again. Me want you."
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Now is the Time to Start Masking Again
If you stopped paying attention to COVID with the release of vaccines, you've missed a lot.
COVID is airborne.
Long COVID impacts 10% of people infected by COVID (though this is beginning to look like a low estimate). Risk of Long COVID goes up with each reinfection. Long COVID is worse than initially reported.
Bisexual and trans people are more likely to develop Long COVID.
Black and Hispanic folks are more likely than White folks experience more symptoms and health problems from Long COVID.
***COVID and Long COVID has much more in common with HIV and AIDS than the flu (28:19 - 38:30 of linked video)***
The Basics
[WEBSITE] You Have to Live Your Life
[ZINE] What's Up With COVID and How to Protect Yourself - 2024 Edition
[FAQ] r/ZeroCOVIDCommunity's FAQ and Resource List
"This is great and all but it's overwhelming. TL;DR?"
COVID is airborne. Long COVID is much more common (and serious/debilitating) than previously thought.
Mask with an N95 or better in all indoor spaces and outside when close to others. Improve your indoor air quality by opening windows and using fans/air filters.
Rapid tests are prone to false negatives so make sure to retest in 48 hours after exposure and/or when you develop symptoms. Isolate in the meantime. Consider upgrading to a NAAT (PlusLife, Metrix) or PCR (Lucira) if you have the money.
Things for you to do today:
buy some N95s or request some from a local mask bloc
open a window more often and/or buy an air purifier
buy the best COVID tests you can afford
Basics in Video Form
If you have limited time, watch the videos with * first. They will cover the basics in about 20 minutes.
*VIDEO: COVID is Airborne [2:53]
*VIDEO: What the latest research tells us about long COVID's most common symptoms [5:58]
*VIDEO: FDA warns of false negatives with at home COVID Tests [2:19]
*VIDEO: How to Stay Safe(r) at Home [10:35]
--
VIDEO: The Astounding Physics of N95 Mask [6:08]
VIDEO: Mask Fit 101: Seal [4:07]
VIDEO: Mask Fit 101: Qualitative [3:49]
VIDEO: Mask Fit 102: Quantitative [5:04]
VIDEO: How to get [and give] FREE Masks [6:07]
VIDEO: Try this DIY indoor air purifier for cleaner air [4:22]
VIDEO: Why is EVERYONE more SICK [54:55]
Want to Get Involved?
Join your local Mask Bloc
No local Mask Bloc? Consider starting one
Talk to the people in your life about COVID
Print quality zines and spread them in your communities
Push for COVID Conscious changes in your spaces.
#COVID#COVID-19#still COVIDing#masking#mask up#y'all masking#this took so damn long to put together#like many hours#I hope it's helpful to someone#considering starting a side blog to bulk up as a resource for this stuff
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I was wrong.
over the last few weeks, i started heavily questioning my beliefs.
i noticed that some of my desires came in faster than other desires. some of them (as you may see in my recent posts) took years to reflect, but some of them got reflected so fast at the speed of light.
i’ve been told by various people that there’s usually a time delay for desires to materialize in the 3D, and for some reason, it resonated with me. that’s why i mention it in my answers because i was merely basing it off of my own experiences with the law.
but something clicked for me recently. i watched a video by missy renee, about why people haven’t seen their manifestations for years. i’m just going to put it out there that you don’t need to pay for coaching. there are a lot of manifesting coaches that don’t know what they’re talking about, and when you read source, it’s a lot more telling. missy renee is not one of those coaches. she has read source and has even applied those teachings into her life. if i have to recommend a coach for you to watch, though, it would be her.
anyways, there was a line that she said that i immediately wrote down because it caused so much confusion in me. basically, she said that the reason why we have yet to see things come to pass is because we are still identifying with our old beliefs — our old story — and due to this, we become double-minded. this double-mindedness is then perceived as the “time delay.”
in that moment, i slowly leaned back in my chair. it was an “a-ha” moment for me, but it was also a little harrowing.
how long have i held myself back from just accepting that i am the person that i wanted to be? how long have i been limiting myself, telling myself the old story over and over again like a broken record? more importantly, i’ve been telling other people that there is such thing as a “time delay” because i decided that i should experience the delay.
so when i wrote a list and just allowed my higher self to figure it out, some of them came in so fucking fast at the speed of light. it stunned me. that’s when i realized that i was holding a false belief.
i never thought that i’d be writing an apology post, but here i am. i’m holding myself accountable because i was the one that wrote that there is such thing as a “time delay,” but in reality, there isn’t. sure, you don’t have to be pitch perfect with your beliefs, but when this desire has no conflict with your beliefs — when you have no resistance, when you aren’t arguing with yourself about whether you have it or not — then there’s no delay.
i remember some people said that it should not take more than thirty days, and i used to think that it’s bullshit, but now i can clearly see that there is a reason why they believe this. it’s not even about the length of time, but about how frequent you return to the state. it’s all about you accepting that the person you want to be is who you are now.
besides that, i want this post to be a reminder that everyone’s beliefs are constantly changing. there is always going to be expansion, growth, an inevitable withering of the old beliefs and the blossoming of new beliefs the more we learn about how this all works. this is why i want people to go back to reading source, to not always take everyone’s posts as “truth” or “the gospel” because we are all still learning in the end. learning never ends.
edit: i don't mean to say all this for you to start focusing on the physical reality as your primary reality. i still wholeheartedly believe that this is merely a reflection of your beliefs, and ultimately, it is all about who you are choosing to be right now despite what it looks like.
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i'm back in the building.
i'm still on my first playthrough, slogging through it but i think i realized what it is about this game that feels more like a chore than an actual gaming experience. i talked about the cinematics and like that's a whole thing i have beef with in the world where we have mocap and also just genuinely amazing technology for animation development but WHATEVERRR.
as a person who enjoys story games even without creating my oc, like red dead 2, the witcher series, the reason i find veilguard lacking is that rook is neither an every man character (ala hawke & shepherd 🩷) nor are they an empty enough canvas to fill in (ala hof, inq, tarnished in elden ring) it kinda feels that even as a player you have to suspend disbelief for your own character.
like for example in the witcher, all of geralt's choices cross over through three games and really you can dress him & comb him how you like but the choices are story related and you can still find satisfaction in them. same with red dead 2 and arthur where the game is more rigid storywise but still, you can unlock two endings depending on how you approach arthur's personality as a person.
and the crux of the issue is rook is not a person. they are in every way, a video game character. the infantile gameplay (left off from the mmo no doubt with no tactical view, quest summaries, limited "loot" boxes, no interaction with fauna, no actual crafting just upgrading) the juvenile writing / "storytelling" (telling fans to interpret the plot however they want, trick saying it's possible the evanuris aren't even all gone which renders the entire game pointless if we did all that and elgar'nan is in turkey getting new veneers fitted.) the fact that rook is basically woe. storyline be upon ye. (taash's identity being chosen for them ???, telling either low app, high app, or rom inq what to do w solas and yes the dialogue option of yay let's save him! also exists w low app inq?? which is to say to stop solas isn't the same as having low app but they didn't even let players choose that lol you can still change inq's mind)
like the whole game is an mmo without the multiplayer aspect. the storyline is loosey goosey because well most multiplayers are bc they go through rancid updates and additions (fallout 84 comes to mind specifically, and considering how badly that flopped idk how bioware saw the reception and went yay!!!!! lets do that!!!) and all your companions prefer to interact w each other than you because well. yeah. you're a player. you're not playing a character, you're basically playing yourself or at the very least a very conceptual idea of yourself in this fantasy realm.
anyway i have a nuke enroute to ea's HQ. that's all 🙂↕️
i just read this like an old man reading the morning paper, sipping coffee and nodding along like 🙂↕️ mhm mhm 🙂↕️ 🙂↕️
i completely agree with all of this and it really clicked for me how much the multiplayer bones of the game impacted the story and choice specifically. like obviously ive known about the multiplayer foundations for like 5 years and how it’s sooooo clear in the gameplay but this just made it click for me that it’s literally to blame for the story too… of course none of the choices are truly significant. multiplayer games fundamentally cannot have significant choice that affects the world because not everyone will make the same choice. the only MMO I’m super familiar with is ESO and when i think of the choices you’re allowed to make in that game versus what you’re allowed to do in veilguard…. yeah. they’re both shallow, and usually only cosmetic. it makes sense to me that the choice like minrathous vs treviso is pretty much just cosmetic, and then it takes content away instead of adding something new. the companion choices seem to really only manifest in some new banter? except for maybe emmrich? like it’s so clear that they had this multiplayer foundation, which is mutually exclusive with meaningful player choice, and then were told to build a single player RPG on top. it was literally an impossible ask.
also hard agree on everything you said about rook. i literally hate rook LMFAO they are so nothing - like a voice acted MMO character… i do want to play the game a second time but i want to play a veil jumper elf and genuinely the fact that my dalish elf character would have the dread wolf in her back pocket and just never ask him a single fucking question on anything that she and her entire culture have devoted their lives to figuring out and learning is so fucking infuriating I cannot stand to put myself through it
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i’m allowed to go to the same places frequently for dates, i’m also allowed to casually date around/meet new people because i am single and am not looking for any sort of romantic relationship. i just wanna have fun, i’m allowed to have fun-
we all are.
i’ll be damned if i allow someone to try and paint me as the bad guy when i’m living my life freely and no longer being trapped inside a torture box of my own creation.
i treat everyone with nothing but the utmost kindness and you most certainly won’t change that about me.
are you staying in a small town? want to go on dates and feel safe? FREQUENT places, don’t be afraid or shy. in case something happens, there will be multiple witnesses and people you’ve seen that can not only vouch for where you are but who you’re with especially because they’ll probably remember you, your mannerisms especially if you look like you’re having a bad time/are in trouble.
embrace comfort and safety, don’t think you’ve gotta bust your brain trying to come up with complicated date ideas when the classics are always perfectly fine and you weren’t looking for anything serious anyway.
just companionship and a great night.
#casseesmeows#needed to vent#someone i chose to step away from#commented on my most recent live#saying something along the lines of#did i go bowling too#same shit different dudes i wonder if they know#ILL GOING BOWLING WITH THE WHOLE TEAM IF ITS FUN EXCUSE ME LOL#so you’re never gonna go bowling again after going with one person?#never going to head to a bar again because you went with one person?#you can limit yourself and experiences like that#i live for me and that’s perfect okay#please leave me alone thank you#i used to shame myself for simply existing#NEVER again
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reminder to everyone that trauma IS a valid reason to use aspec labels. "i don't know if i'm aspec or just traumatized—" protip!!! you can be both!!!! the thing about labels is that they're not immutable states of being that you're born as. they're literally just words that we use to describe our lived experiences, and if asexual or aromantic or any related label feel relevant to the way that you experience attraction, whether it's a result of trauma or not, they're there for you to use. having trauma as a cause does not invalidate the fact that someone is experiencing lesser or no attraction. that's still the aspec experience babey. use the label if you want it's there for you <3
#kissing every traumatized aspec person on the forehead. with permission of course#obviously the labels aren't gonna be right for everyone but like...#i see a lot of discussion around this topic and it's actually SO important to me to bring up every time#that labels are just little signs you put up to tell people something about yourself.#it's not an immutable unchangeable fact. it's a little sign. it's a label just like you make with a label maker.#its purpose is to be there and communicate something about your experience to the people around you.#so if you want to communicate that you don't experience attraction in an allo way! that's literally what it's there for!#really i feel like denying people access to those labels cause they weren't born that way is like.#first. an asshole move. why don't you shut the fuck up and let other people decide what they experience#second. perpetuating the idea that if you don't experience attraction you're broken? but just in a different way?#'you can experience limited/no attraction IF you're ace and born that way. otherwise you're ACTUALLY fucked up.'#'you're straight/gay/bi you're just broken right now.' actually maybe they're experiencing something that aligns with asexuality.#ever thought about that...#intent here is NOT to speak for anyone with that experience. however i meet like seven people a year who say that they're unsure#if they're aspec or just traumatized#and it's SO important to me to say that you can be both. you can use the label. your experiences are valid#whether they're internally or environmentally caused.#kiss kiss ily everybody (/aro)#<— tone indicator that indicates that i meant it aromantically#aspec#aromantic#aromanticism#aroace#arospec#aro positivity#asexual#ace pride#acespec#ace positivity#ace inclusion. turn the tables
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"
like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like
imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.
i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.
#i know and love so many people who have intense anxiety about their ability to create art and who are so hard on themselves about the result#and i think that's a REALLY easy thing to feel because creating is also vulnerable & physically difficult and there is SOOOO much to master#but i think for me the people who churn out 300 colored pencil front facing hands behind their backs oc doodles on lined notebook paper-#are the ones with the right idea. they're the ones i aspire to be like#i'm not saying i never struggle either bc tbh#as someone with depression and adhd there are times where the Act of Having Fun is simply not possible#sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness#so i don't think it's an Easy thing to do by far and I don't think you can just Magically Make Yourself Happy And Having Fun#but i DO think that experimenting in a low-stakes low-pressure manner until you find something that clicks in your brain helps#doing things for the sake of doing them is the only way to figure out which ones WILL be fun to you#not all of them will. some things will feel like a slog#but i think you have to look for the passion before you're able to face the slog#if you jump right into the parts that are Hard and Challenge Your Limits it's easy to spin your wheels and get stuck#but if you focus on the super small stakes and the things that are thoughtless and focused more on Sensation-#the sensory experience of mixing paint or the scratch of pencil on paper or the smooth way a specific pen makes lines-#then you can lose yourself in the physical aspect of it FIRST#and then once you've started really ENJOYING those sensations you can start learning new ways to use them#because now you have the drive to want to do more#now you have the desire to find new ways to apply this thing you like doing#long post#even longer tags#art#drawing#artists#art advice
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Watching original Kamen Rider and there is something so just like innately charming about all of it. Like you could make the argument that yeah a lot in terms of creative aspects like choreography or cinematography or special effects is outdated or of poor quality but I honestly think that the way they go about using what they had at the time is really impressive. There’s a lot of genuinely really neat costuming and camera shots and use of lighting or specific effects and it lends itself to a very enjoyable experience in my eyes. Also I like Hongo's actor a lot
#kamen rider#kamen rider extravaganza hour#dinu yells into the void#dinu yells in the void#im not watching all 98 episodes in one sitting ive picked out like. 40 episodes or so i thought sounded the funniest and im watching those#idk how much ill liveblog it all because ive been genuinely so fucked up mentally during june#watching kr is literally just a like. im having fun! (: type of experience in an otherwise Very Bad month#i know ppl make fun of a lot old superhero properties or at least i always saw ppl make fun of old superhero properties but again#i tnink their efforts to make something out of the i assume limited budget and time they had is very endearing#theres a lot of really cool shots and like. yeah i can Tell when something is just a shot reused to be more technically impressive#but like. it is technically impressive. if you let yourself have love in your heart its fun.#remember your suspension of belief…..#believe in whimsy….
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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i just realized it’s been a year that my right knee hasn’t been okay…
last november i got booked a week from hell in terms of abusing my body- i was walking 15-20km a day for five days straight.
let me tell you- while i am used to 30-50km weeks, that week nearly did me in. by the wednesday, i was unable to walk without feeling like my right knee was going to explode. that is not hyperbole- i was convinced a tendon was going to rupture i was limping those 18kms but i persevered
ended up getting kinetic tape to try to help. it holds things together, i should use it more, but my knee is completely bitched now. cannot keep it bent for any length of time anymore, and if i do there’s this horrible pressure in the tendons up the back, a deep, pinching ache
now any day that i walk 10+km that knee is so tired and inflamed. it hurts so badly and yet i cannot stop
can’t afford to leave work to seek medical care for it, let alone the potential recovery. i will simply continue my regimen of heat, ibuprofen, and tape and hope for the best
#exie vents#<- kinda. i’m not overly upset- i’m the one to blame for not taking care of it#turns out when you have a physically demanding job your body experiences wear and tear!#especially when you’re pushing yourself past your limits consistently#i’ve always been a walker. used to go every single day back home and walk the local trail#but it was never more than 5km a day#to move to three to four times that amount was… a lot#but again- i know there’s a lot i should’ve been doing to take care of my body and i didn’t do any of it#at least not until it was too late#but oh well. i can try to preserve what i have left#i think the worst part of it all is that i’ll never dance like i used to again
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one of the things that's insane to me about terraria is it's lack of online prescence. it's the 10th best selling video game of all time. there's like 3 people who make videos about it. it's been around for 13 years. there's not even 400 fics tagged as terraria on ao3. 45 million people have played it. there are maybe 4 pieces of fanart somwhere if you really dig for them. and the crazy part is I totally agree. I have never wanted to create about terraria. I have rarely if ever wanted to consume content about terraria. this is a game I have a disgusting amount of hours in and I would give a very high rating of and I have never once gone feral over it like I have with other things I consume. terraria is this ball of awesomeness of a game mixed with this complete fucking undecipherable void of a prescence and i think it's insane
#if we're actually thinking about why though#1) the complete lack of story/worldbuilding/setting/ heavily discourages any attempt of a narrative#it would be like trying to write a captivating story about minecraft steve in minecraft block world#'but minecraft has so many stories thought up in it! like [insert minecraft smp]'#2) yes but consider that minecraft's relatively short - and frankly unfulfilling - progression#means that after you beat minecraft the only thing left to do is to create - either with yourself or other people#which incidentally is also why minecraft servers are such a big thing - becuase of that natural steer into playing with other ppl#however (as anyone who's tried to beat it knows) terraria has a LOT of progression - and it's all built to be extremly satisfying progress#which means when you beat terraria. you can beat it again! in any one of 2098456 ways you choose all of which give you a unique playthrough#incidentally this is also why in my experience servers are so much less of a thing in terraria#while the modding scene is sososo much bigger and relevant - tapping into that 'replay the thing but DIFFERENT' again type of replayability#I'm comparing terraria and minecraft btw because both are sandbox games but they have wildly different prescences#and often times people will write minecraft having more content down as 2d/terraria being more limiting creatively#but actually some of the prettiest builds in a videogame I've seen were in 2d/terraria#I think there's a more fundamental difference at play there#in the type of replayability that mc and terraria offer#one kind of forces you to create or play with others if you want more out of it#while the other offers this kind of seemingly endless well of challenges that never steers you in that co-op/creative direction#both are great in their own right#but it means that minecraft has more content 'staying power' as it is a space designed first and foremost to steer players into creating#and also most importantly - cooperating and playing with others to creat together#while terraria more often focuses on that core gameplay experience/challenge#while never steering/forcing players into that creating/co-opting space#unless they intentionally seek out that experience for themselves#see - the terraria builder community (not massive last time I checked) and server players (I don't think they exist)#also 3) eye of cthullu is stupid hard to draw in 3d without doubling over laughing#like 👁️ <- oh man look who's floating ominously!! he sure is gonna getchu!!#^ I ramble about things#also i still think terraria is better than minecraft. for the record
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#i swear to god i can't hear one more thing about the nuances of the american system#everytime i read about how dystopian the us is it makes me wanna bash my brain against a wall#i wish there was a way to blacklist these “educational” and “informative” posts about how unaccessible healthcare isanother cop is#getting away with murder insulin is not affordable despite only costing 1 simoleons to manufacture or whatever#or how you should still vote for biden or not vote for biden or maybe vote for biden but VOTE never STOP VOTINGcall your rep!!#i simply. can't. fucking. stand. it anymore#i got all this.....american knowledge in me i absolutely never sought it just got chugged down my throat daily#there is this tone like we're all in the know no need to specify whom certain news might possibly be concerning as if there was only#one country on this planet#i'm just here on this website getting splashed by these completely untargeted informations ceaselessly#idk maybe it's such a non problem i just need to curate my tumblr experience better and stop following so many usamericans#but rn i just reached the limit of what i can bare#i can't follow what is going on in palestine whilst still learning new shit about the usa and give it some kind of value#i will not shed a single tear for america literally one of the richest most soulless country#just fix yourself#or don't idc#from now on i'm unfollowing on sight if i see another post about some fucked up american thing it's bye i'm so done
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How do you deal with shame even if it’s about something you just fantasize about and not actually desire? I’m so afraid of judgment 😭 but I’m such a sicko sometimes
i just dont believe in the idea of shame for stuff thats ultimately normal dskfhsddjk especially not like sexual desire or fantasy. porn is porn and thought police is fake. like idc bro. bigger fish to fry yk
#return to sender#like i wish i had advice on how i got over it#but ultimately its just like. whatever man. my brain is my brain but my brain is not me#i dont experience the shame like FORREAL.#i get embarassed but like. not like true shame when i say shame i mostly just mean embarassment#people will judge and misinterperet you for anything#like its inespcabale so might as well not limit yourself#i make myself as clear as i possibly can but someone imposing that judgement on u doesnt acc care abt it#its abt themselves not u yk
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If you ever want to feel a simple joy, get some heavy whipping cream, generous amount of sugar, and a little vanilla extract, pour into a bowl, beat furiously with a whisk (or fork) for 5-10min (until it forms stiff peaks), and voila! you have homemade whipped cream to enjoy with some of your favorite fruits.
#ghost posts#I’ve made it twice now didn’t look at a recipe#been measuring it with my heart and limited cooking/baking experience#and now I am enjoying fresh strawberries and cream#you can prob find a recipe online if you want more specific directions#but yeah! it’s fun to make it yourself#I could use an electric mixer but I like to feel my arms burn and work off some rage lol#recipes#homemade whipped cream
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