#you aren’t a bad person for feeling this way

[wonkizz]

do you feel the same way i do about you?

성훈 x fmr genre: angst warns: cursing, shit talking, alcohol/drinking, unrequited love, parties, not proofread

Sunghoon is your best friend. Someone you’ve gone through hard times with, someone who’s always been there for you. It was easy for you to catch feelings, but it was also just as easy to hide them away.

The one thing people always say about you and Sunghoon is that you’re so different it’s almost comical. He’s loud and cheerful, albeit around people he’s comfortable with, while you’re quiet and shy with practically everyone, even him.

You’ve tried over the years to branch out and make more friends, but you always find yourself falling short and just missing the mark.

But Sunghoon, he’s never made you feel bad about your personality, if anything he’s allowed you to embrace it.

Which is why when he convinced you to go to a party with him, he was as shocked as you were.

You don’t go to parties, they’re just not for you. But Sunghoon said this one would be good and a chance for you to make more friends.

He wanted to introduce you to his other friends, the ones he’s made at your college.

You were hesitant but decided it might be worth it in the end.

Only problem is, you don’t have party worthy clothes. Your style is basic, you wear jeans and sweaters on most occasions because you prefer comfort over anything else.

When you tell Sunghoon this, he urges you not to worry about it, saying he’ll handle it.

What exactly does that mean? Buying you the skimpiest outfit he could find.

The dress is short, barely covers your ass and your chest is nearly exposed.

“Sunghoon, I don’t think this is for me,” you say, staring at yourself in the mirror.

You did your own hair and makeup, although barely any, and the outfit was the final touch.

You don’t look like you.

“Are you kidding? You look great!” He says, enthusiastic as ever.

“I just… I don't look like myself, you know? I feel weird.”

“I promise, everything will be fine. I know you’re stepping out of your comfort zone for me, and I really appreciate it. This is just part of it.”

Sunghoon, ever the sweet talker, smiles when you nod.

“Okay, let’s go.”

The drive isn’t far, it’s being hosted by Sunghoon’s friend Jay.

When you say the house is gigantic, you mean it.

Your one bedroom is more like a studio compared to it.

Your nerves start to get the better of you, and you almost don’t want to get out of the car.

Sunghoon opens the passenger door for you, holding out a hand, “Come on.”

You take it, and he leads you up the steps and straight inside, not even bothering to knock.

Then again, why would he have to? It’s a party for god's sake.

He leads you through a wave of bodies until you reach the kitchen.

6 other guys are standing there and Sunghoon greets them eagerly.

You can’t help but stand there awkwardly, twiddling your fingers and looking down at the ground.

“Guys, this is Y/N, my best friend,” Sunghoon says as he begins to point at everyone, “Y/N this is Heeseung, Jay, Jake, Sunoo, Jungwon and Riki.”

You wave at them, giving a shy smile as they all greet you.

“You didn’t tell us how pretty she is, Sunghoon,” Heeseung says, raising an eyebrow.

Sunghoon scoffs, “Yeah yeah, don’t overwhelm her, this isn’t her type of thing.”

He grabs two beers from the fridge, opening them and handing you one.

You sip it gently, souring at the taste. You’re not a big drinker either.

It’s not long before Sunghoon effectively abandons you.

He dragged you to the dance floor one minute, then the next he was gone.

You don’t know why, but something is telling you to head upstairs.

It’s there you hear your name coming from a bedroom with the door slightly ajar.

“Why didn’t you introduce us to Y/N sooner?” You barely recognize Heeseung’s voice amongst all the noise coming from downstairs.

You certainly recognize Sunghoon as the next person to speak, “Parties aren’t her thing, I told you that.”

“We’ve been in college for 4 years though. This is the first time you’ve gotten her to come to one?”

“What else can I say? She’s a stick in the mud.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say about your best friend,” Sunoo speaks up.

“I know, but it’s true. She’s kind and all but she’s so shy and closed off that she can’t make friends. The only reason we really became friends is because our parents pushed us to be close.”

Ouch.

“So you’re friends with her out of pity?” Riki asks.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Sunghoon retorts, “she’s sweet and I appreciate having her as a friend but she’s kinda boring and our personalities don’t really match at all. If it weren’t for our parents, we probably wouldn’t be friends at all.”

“That’s harsh, man,” Jake pipes up.

“I know, I just…don’t know how else to describe her.”

You’ve never felt genuine heartbreak. Not until this moment.

So this is how he feels about you? The best friend you thought accepted you for who you are, truly just…tolerates you?

Has he always felt this way? Has he only kept you as a friend out of pity?

You never thought of yourself as less than when it came to Sunghoon, but now, you’re doubting everything you thought you knew.

As tears gather in your eyes, you turn around making your way back downstairs and out the front door.

You call yourself an uber and go home, crying silently in the back seat of this stranger's car.

Once you make it inside your apartment, you take the heels Sunghoon bought off, thank god because they were killing your feet.

Heading into your bedroom, you look at yourself in the mirror again. The girl glaring back at you, isn’t you. She’s what Sunghoon wants you to be, but clearly you can’t give him that.

You almost tear the dress as you’re taking it off, and change into sweats and a t-shirt.

As you lay in bed, you think back on your years with Sunghoon.

All the time he tried to convince you to do things with him, all the times you tried. All the times you asked him to do something with you and all the times he declined because they “weren’t his style.”

Has it really always been like this? You, trying to be different for Sunghoon, but Sunghoon, never trying for you?

Suddenly you feel humiliated.

Humiliated at the fact that your friendship with Sunghoon has all been a fluke.

You’ve always accepted Sunghoon for who he is. Yet, he never truly did the same for you.

Your phone buzzes beside you, Sunghoon’s contact coming up with a text.

‘Where are you?’ It says.

You don’t bother answering, instead, putting your phone on the charger and turning it off.

You fall asleep with your eyes swollen and heart broken.

When you turn your phone on the next morning, it’s full of texts from Sunghoon.

You, again, don’t bother answering. You’re disgusted by last night's events.

You don’t have class thankfully, so you lounge around in your pajamas all morning.

It’s not until noon when there’s a knock at your door.

You mentally slap yourself for not checking the peephole, because once you open it, you regret it.

Sunghoon stands there, an evident frown on his face.

“Why haven’t you answered my texts?” He says, immediately.

You feel snappy, like the word nice is not in your vocabulary at the moment.

“Can I be honest? I didn’t want to talk to you.”

Sunghoon’s face furrows, “Why? What’d I do?”

You just begin to laugh. You don’t know if it’s the leftover pain morphing into anger or the fact that you’re tired.

“Why are you here Sunghoon? I don’t need your pity, not anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

Then, you’re shouting, “I heard you last night! You’re friends with me out of fucking pity and I’m honestly disgusted!”

Sunghoon’s face morphs from confusion to shock.

“I…you heard me?”

“I did.” You nod, “And honestly, if you were so fucking bored of me, you should’ve just ended the ‘friendship’ instead of dragging it along like this.”

“Y/N I…I didn’t mean any of that—,”

“Yes you did! You did because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have said it.”

There’s nothing but silence from his end, like he’s trying to process everything while you’ve already caught up.

You can feel tears pricking your eyes again and damn if it isn’t embarrassing to cry in front of him, but at this point, you don’t care.

“You know what hurts the most?” You ask as Sunghoon looks up, into your eyes.

“The fact that I did so much for you. You wanted to go out? Fine. You wanted me to put myself out there in a place I was totally out of place at? Fine. So many times I made myself uncomfortable for you. But the very few times I asked you to do something with me, for me, you always said no. It wasn’t your thing. Do you realize how fucking pathetic I feel knowing my friendship was so one-sided?”

Sunghoon doesn’t say a word, tears gathering in his own eyes. “I’m sorry.”

You nod, “I’m sorry too. Sorry that we both wasted our time. Sorry, that I ever had feelings for you. Consider this ‘friendship’ over, Sunghoon.”

With that, you close the door in his face, locking it before letting yourself break.

You settle on your couch, curling into a ball, clutching a pillow as you cry.

There’s a few stray knocks, but he eventually leaves.

WONKIZZ 2025

[razorblade180]

So It’s A Date?

Citlali:*reading*

Aether:*walks into house* Oh hey!

Citlali:Aether!? *tosses book* H-Hey!

Aether:You’re actually up. Also was that smut?

Citlali:First of all, the way you sounded surprised makes it feel like I’m never awake. Second, no it wasn’t!

Aether:Why’d you throw it?

Citlali:Why are you in my house? Stay focus. I’m sure you aren’t here to investigate my novels.

Aether:I’d like to take you to dinner.

Citlali:P-Pardon me?

Aether:If you would have me, I would like to spoil you with dinner tonight. A date. I am asking you on a date.

Citlali:*slowly walks to her hallway*

Aether:What are you doing.

Citlali:Getting the minimum distance required to disconnect our telepathy.

Aether:I can still read your facial-

Citlali:*turns around corner*

Aether:Fair play…

Citlali: What the heck is this guy thinking!? I know I gave him a key to my house but to casually walk in and ask me on a date out of the blue!? I haven’t been on one in ages!? Ugh, calm down Citlali. Breath. Don’t let him put you on the back foot. You know his games. *walks around corner* I-

Aether:*three steps closer*

Citlali:Could you read my mind!!!!?

Aether:In my defense, you’ve been consulting yourself for three minutes. I get anxious too y’know. I only caught the end.

Citlali:That doesn’t mean you should cross boundaries so casually!

Aether:Granny Iztali, with all due respect, you’re the type of person who only lets boundaries down when someone tries to brave them. I just so happen to be an adventurer. I know how to tread cautiously, and I don’t think you want me to.

Citlali:*red*…You’re acting rather bold these days.

Aether:Haha, ya think so? Probably because I’ve resonated with pyro. Depending on the element, my disposition shifts a little.

Citlali:Sounds dreadful.

Aether:It’s not that bad. Paimon says I’ve been more energetic and positive recently. *smiles* I’m inclined to agree.

Citlali:You have been acting like a certain headstrong leader of ours lately. Though I suppose that has its advantages in a place like this. As for your question, I don’t feel being around crowds.

Aether:We can go to your secret spot.

Citlali:It would be a pain dragging a real meal up-

Aether:Then let’s eat out in nature like a picnic, or I could come back here later and cook for you?

Citlali:*red*…Headstrong was the wrong word. Clearly you’ve thought of an attack plan too.

Aether:Haha, that part is just how I role in these situations. I don’t have to tell you that though. You’ve seen tons of my memories by now.

Citlali:It’s not like I was snooping! No one could’ve guessed your adventures would’ve been filled with so much down time and insanity. If anything, you should be the one in that light novel I’m reading instead of the boring main character.

Aether:So you want me in your smut?

Citlali:That’s not- you- I…..Will a yes to dinner get you out of here!?

Aether:A “no” would too. Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you’re not mentally up to something like this then that’s okay. I mean that.

Citlali:….Can you cook a good steak?

Aether:It’s a specialty at this point.

Citlali:Sigh, I’ll be hungry at 9 and hangry by 9:30 so you better not drag your feet!

Aether:I live with Paimon. I can cook like the wind.

Citlali:Also don’t even think about having me drink alone! You better bring your best tonight, or you’ll be the one with embarrassing thoughts slipping!

Aether:Then it’s a date.

Citlali:Don’t say it out loud! J- I will see you here tonight! Don’t be late.

Aether:Enjoy your book. I won’t spoil it, but I know the author of that one personally. I’m sorry in advanced.

Citlali:What?

Aether:*causally leaves* Guess I’m testing my tolerance tonight. *red* I’m definitely doomed. Although if she finishes that book she’ll probably carry the conversation.

Citlali:*flipping through pages*I swear if even one character is unfaithful or a couple doesn’t last like last time…!!!! Does the other not like joy!?

xxxxxx

Miko:*drinking saké*

Ei:Miko!!*storms up steps*

Miko:Oh hello. To what do I owe the pleasu-

Ei:*waves book* “The Lightning Wrapped in Wind: How A Bard Caught A Storm!?”

Miko:Well I’m not gonna write about my past or our history. *sips drink* Yours though…gold.

Ei:I am going to strike that drunkard down. There are some stories a bard shouldn’t tell.

Miko:If it makes you feel better, that’s the sequel to “The Bard that Conquered the Mountain.” I’m positive Barbatos lives in fear every day.

[lonely-ey3s]

With All My Love (joel miller x f!reader, no outbreak) Chpt 6

Chapter 6: With All My Love

Word count: 15.9k

Chapter Summary: After being medically discharged and promoted, you are finally going home and can’t wait to tell Joel. What you don’t know is Joel has an elaborate plan for your arrival and when it happens and you are finally with him, you fall even further in love with him as he does with you. 

Chapter warnings: anxiety, mentions of combat/war, mentions of injuries, language, SMUT (18+ only, MDNI), fluff fluff and more fluff, use of Y/N, mentions of deaths, if I missed anything, please let me know!

Dividers by: @saradika-graphics

A/N: this one is what we've all been waiting for, i'm so in love with these two, please enjoy and comment with your favorite part below ❣️

Main Masterlist

Joel’s POV

Tommy had told him that Maria was coming back home due to her injury and that he was taking a trip to NC to visit her. As much as he was happy for his brother and Maria to be back home safe, he wished deep down you were coming with her. He began to think how you might be dealing with the change and he didn’t even think that besides Reggie, you would be all alone. 

He was making dinner for himself and Sarah when she came downstairs and sat at the table, “You doin’ ok Dad?” she could see he was lost in thought. 

Joel looked up as he was stirring some red sauce in a saucepan and hummed, not hearing what she said. 

Sarah smiled softly, “What’s goin’ on in that head yours? Y/N is back, she’s safe, right?” 

Joel nodded and smiled softly to himself, “Yes, she’s back, and I’m very happy that she’s safe. I just…” 

“You wish she was coming home with Maria.” Sarah took the words right out of his mouth. 

He nodded and shrugged, “Is that bad of me to want? I feel selfish for it.” 

Sarah shook her head and stood up from the table, coming to sit by her dad on the counter to offer him more comfort, “I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want the person you can’t have in your life right now to be here. If I’m being honest, I think that’s the most selfish thing you’ve wanted for a while, Dad. You aren’t one to put yourself and your wants first.” 

Joel let out a soft chuckle, “That’s not true… I do stuff for myself.” he raised his eyebrow at her. 

Sarah deadpanned him, “Name three times this week…” 

Joel stuttered and racked his brain, then sighed, “Fine… but that doesn’t mean I don’t do stuff for myself. I… I watch football every Sunday, and I sometimes go out for a drink when you’re with friends.” he looked over at Sarah, trying to reason with her. 

“When’s the last time you’ve wanted somethin’ and got it?” she asked seriously. 

Joel bit the inside of his cheek and shrugged, “I’m not sure…” he looked back at the sauce, “But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. You make me happy baby girl…” he looked at her, worried he said something wrong. 

Sarah smiled softly at him, “Dad, you never have to remind me of that. I know I do.” 

Joel smiled softly at her and then held the spoon up for her, “Here, taste test…”

She tasted it and thought for a second, “Needs more hot sauce and just a tad more salt.” she smiled at him. 

He did as she said. 

“When Y/N gets to come home, will she come live with us?” she asked. 

Joel stopped stirring and looked at her, “What do you mean?” he questioned. 

“Well… doesn’t she want to come be with you? I mean Maria is moving to live with Uncle Tommy after she settles in, doesn’t Y/N want that with you and me?” she said softly. 

Joel moved the sauce off the heat and turned his full attention to Sarah, “What would your thoughts be if I did ask her to live with us?” he looked at her in her eyes. 

“I want her to live here! I… I want her to be our family.” she admitted, “She makes you so happy and you’ve changed since you met her… you’ve taken care of yourself more. You work less… I see you more now that she’s with you, and I mean that in a way she’s brought you back out of your shell. You were in one for so long after mom left us.” She looked down at her hands, “You are brighter, you smile more, you just… she helps you feel more yourself I feel like.” she looked at her dad, “Plus, I want a mom… or stepmom… person… thing…” she giggled. 

Joel chuckled and then put his hand on her cheek and smiled at her, “I didn’t know you felt that way.” 

She shrugged, “I’m good at hiding my feelings… I wonder who I get that from?” she teased. 

He chuckled lightly and then kissed her head before going back to the sauce, “If I’m being honest I’ve not asked her to move in with us yet. Not because I don’t want her to, I just, it’s hard to look forward to something that you have no idea when it’ll happen… you know?” 

Sarah nodded, “Yeah, I think that’s the hardest thing is we don’t know when she’ll get to come back. Does she have any family like Maria she’d go back to?” she questioned.

Joel shook his head, “Her parents passed a while ago, and she was an only child.” he moved to prepare a salad he was making over on the island. 

“So, before the army, she was just all alone?” she followed and helped him put things in the salad to toss. 

Joel shook his head, “No, she uh… she was with another man for a while, but he was someone that hurt her… she left him… she joined to escape him.” he said sadly. 

Sarah looked at him, shocked, “She was abused?” pausing what she was doing.

Joel nodded, “I only know a little bit but I know he hurt her, and that she ran away from him because she wasn’t able to get help from the authorities, I guess her ex had friends in high places.” he scoffed. 

Sarah nodded, “That’s sad. I’m sorry she had that happen to her.” she put some croutons in the salad. 

“Me too baby girl.” he chopped some red onion to put in as well. 

“Dad?” she started to grate some cheese next to him. 

Joel hummed to acknowledge her. 

“When she does come home, can we have a barbeque for her? I want her to meet all my friends…” she smiled at him. 

He smiled and nodded, “Of course baby girl. We will throw a huge barbeque for her.” he nudged her playfully with his elbow softly, chuckling, she giggled and nudged him back. 

Reader’s POV

You walked out of that office in what you swore was slow motion. It hit you a little too hard. 

You’re going home. 

You looked down at the envelope in front of you and opened it in the middle of the hallway, reading through it. It said the same thing that was told to you inside and gave you a boarding pass and flying instructions for back to North Carolina. You looked up and smiled, “I’m going home.” 

You ran out of the office towards Maria, looking like a bat out of hell, “Maria! Maria!” you shouted, smiling ear to ear. 

She was standing, getting her daily steps in around the tent. She looked up and saw you running, “What? What happened?” she knitted her eyebrows together. 

You ran up to her and hugged her, picking her up, giggling. 

She laughed but winced, “Stitches, honey, stitches!” she giggled. 

“Oh shit, sorry…” you softly set her down and smiled. 

She looked at you, then saw your patch on your arm, gasping “You’re kidding me!?” she squealed and grabbed your arms and then did mini jumps in the air but then stopped “Shit sorry…” She then stood to attention and saluted you. 

You chuckled, “No, no none of that, you’re at ease- forever.” you waved your hands at her. 

She looked at you and smiled brightly, “I’m so happy for you, that’s great!” 

You smiled and held up the envelope slowly in front of your face, giggling. 

She grabbed it and started reading it. She then looked up at you and teared up, “You’re coming home…” 

You nodded, smiling softly, tearing up, “I’m going home.” you let out a small laugh. 

“What… wait, have you told Joel?” she questioned. 

You shook your head, “No, I just got out of the meeting. I… I kind of don’t know what to say.” you chuckled, looking back down at the letter. 

“You tell him you’re coming home, duh!” she smiled and nudged you. 

You smiled at the letter and then looked up at her, “We’re going home…” You then moved the letter to lay on her bed and pulled her into a gentle hug. 

After helping Maria pack up her things since she needed some help lifting things and had an early morning, you messaged Joel around 7 am his time: 

‘Hey cowboy, can you talk? ❣️’

It was a work morning so you weren’t sure if you caught him before he went to work. 

You left your laptop open while you started to gather your things, eager to pack. When you heard the call ring from Skype. 

You rushed over to your laptop and grabbed it, taking it over to your bed, pushing answer. 

“Hey darlin’, how’s your day goin’?’ Joel asked as he smiled brightly, he was running around the kitchen, and he looked like perhaps was late for work. 

You chuckled, “You running late baby?” 

He chuckled and took a sip of his coffee, starting to put on his belt, pulling his shirt up to see, “Just a little… what’s up? Everything ok?” 

You smiled and started giggling, “I’m coming home, Joel.” 

He had his shirt tucked under his chin while he was doing up his belt, he looked up at you and stopped everything he was doing, in shock. 

You chuckled at his reaction, smiling uncontrollably, nodding at him, letting him absorb and process the news. 

He dropped his shirt from his chin and immediately tears filled his eyes, he smiled, “Tell me you’re bein’ serious. Like, ‘pinch me I’m not dreamin’ serious’?” he came closer to the camera, his brown eyes brightly looking at you. 

You smiled brightly and teared up, holding out your arm and pinching yourself, “Pinch me I’m not dreamin’ serious cowboy!” you giggled. 

He chuckled which then turned into a belly laugh then he started jumping up in the air, “You’re comin’ home!” 

You giggled before putting the laptop down on the bed and began jumping in the air with him, “I’m coming home!” 

You both stopped jumping and laughed together for a few more seconds before you came back to sit on the bed. 

“So when is this happening? Are you coming back home with Maria?” Joel started to get anxious, that was less than 48 hours, and he would have so much to do. 

You shook your head, “No, she’s coming back with the Specialists and trainees.” 

Joel raised his eyebrow, “Isn’t that your rank too baby?” he was confused.

You grinned and shook your head slowly. 

“You got promoted?!” Joel almost shouted. 

You chuckled and leaned back, hitting your head on a bar above you, “Ow fuck!” you laughed holding your head, and Joel did as well. 

You leaned back forward and smiled, “I am officially Sergeant Y/N of the United States Army.” you blushed. 

“Darlin’ that’s amazing, I’m so proud of you. So, wait, when do you come back?” he sat down at the table, taking the laptop with him. 

“I leave here in 3 days, so I’ll be in North Carolina on the…” you looked at your boarding pass, “17th at 3:50 pm.” you smiled. “I uh… I was thinkin’, could I grab my car and then come to Austin?” 

He was just about to protest and tell you he would meet you at the airport when he held his tongue. He would surprise you, especially now that he has your arrival information.

“Yeah, that’d be perfect baby.” he smiled and his mind started racing, thinking of everything he needed to do, things he needed to book, everything that he wanted to get ready for you. 

You smiled softly, “I’m so excited to be with you.” you chuckled happily. 

“You have no idea how excited I am to be with you darlin’...” he looked at you lovingly. 

You took a breath, “Ok you’re late for work, we will have plenty of time together soon.” you wiped some tears that came down your cheeks, smiling.

“I love you...” Joel said, still looking at you lovingly, his world was finally going to have you right where you belonged, with him and Sarah. 

“I love you, cowboy…” you smiled and bit your lip. 

He smiled and then went back to doing his belt, “I’ll try to give you a call later tonight, we can iron out the details, ok?” he looked up at you. 

You nodded, “Hey honey?” 

“Yeah sweetheart?” he came closer to the camera, big brown eyes looking at you like a puppy dog. 

You giggled, “Um… your shirt, it’s on backward and inside out my love…” You pointed and hid your smile behind your hand. 

He looked down and took it off, “Is it? Damn it…” 

His body was beautiful, shoulders broad, his skin blessed by a sun-kissed tan, and his biceps flexed when he pulled it up to look at it closer. 

You grinned, “Maybe I was wrong, sorry baby.” you bit your lip. 

Joel looked at you and his eyes went dark with lust, “Oh darlin’, you’re a naughty girl.” he chuckled lowly and put his shirt back on. 

“What can I say? I wanted a sneak peek and I’m usin’ all my get outta jail free cards while I still have ‘em!” you giggled. 

He grinned, “I’ll remember that one… and we’ll call it payback…” 

You bit your lip and looked down shyly, “Get to work handsome… I’ll talk to you later.” you looked up at him smiling softly. 

He kissed his fingers and touched the camera, “I love you, I’ll talk to you later darlin’...” 

You did the same, “I love you, have a good day!” 

He smiled and then the call ended. 

You sat there, and thought, ‘How the hell am I going to wait 3 days!?’ 

Joel planned everything out to the T. He booked a flight to Columbia Metropolitan Airport for himself to arrive 2 hours before you would get there and then booked a flight back to Austin for you and him. 

He also went out and went shopping with Sarah for some clothes for you, he knew you wouldn’t have anything but your army gear when you got to his place, so Sarah helped him pick out some jeans, shirts, pajamas, and relaxing clothes for you. He also found a few sun dresses for you and then called Tommy when Maria landed and asked her what skin and hair care products you used and went out and got them for you so you would have everything he could think of when you got to his place. He put your clothes in a drawer or his closet and then lined up everything for you in the bathroom. He even got you a new toothbrush and had it next to his. 

Additionally, he sent out an invite to have a barbeque at his place that following Saturday and had Sarah make a list of everything he would need to get from the market when he got back with you from the airport the next day. 

Sarah helped him shop for a few new outfits for himself as she said all he had was work clothes and he needed something new for the airport and date nights. For the airport, she found him a nice jean jacket and T-shirt he liked, along with some nice new jeans, and said to wear his nice boots with it all. He felt he would be overdressed for the airport, but he felt good about himself in the mirror at the department store. On top of that, he wanted to look his best for you.  

She also convinced him to go get his hair trimmed and styled. She knew he wanted to look his best, he just needed some help knowing what to do as it had been forever since he felt like this. 

On the day of your flight, he heard from you when you left the base. You told him you would call him from a payphone when you got to the States, which would be a layover in Newark around 7 am his time. 

That morning, when he heard his phone ring on his nightstand, he rolled over, seeing an unfamiliar number, he instantly woke up knowing it was you, that was his alarm clock. 

“Hello? Darlin’?” he said with sleep in his voice. 

You giggled, “Morning sleepy head!” 

He chuckled, “Hey baby, you in the States?” 

“I am, I just landed and went through customs.” you smiled hearing his voice. 

“How was your first two flights?” he asked starting to get out of bed. 

You chuckled, “I’ll take anything over the flight I came over on.” 

He chuckled lightly, “Oh, I bet. I forgot you didn’t go over commercially…” 

“Yeah, worst flight ever. This one, the one from Dubai, I got a pillow and a single breath mint… I’ve never felt so special!” you joked. 

“Wow, aren’t you just so spoiled!” he smiled through the phone. 

“I got some sleep though, which was nice. But then when I woke up, I was sat by this older lady who kept thankin’ me for my service, which got a little overwhelming. You can only say you’re welcome so many times…” you chuckled.

He chuckled and nodded, “I agree.” 

He heard someone behind you say ‘Thank you for your service’ and he let out a laugh. You said, ‘My pleasure’ to them and then chuckled, “Joel I can’t wait til I am out of an airport, they all keep staring at me.” you giggled. 

He chuckled softly, “They mean well baby… if I didn’t know you, I’d be doin’ the same thing.” 

“Yeah but you’re cute, there’s a difference…” you teased. 

He bit his lip, “So if I asked you out, you’d be ok with that?” 

You blushed, “Cowboy if you just so much as looked my way, I’d die a happy woman.” you giggled shyly. 

He grinned, “I feel the same way when you look at me sweetheart, I’m a lucky man.” 

You sighed and then heard an announcement over the intercom, “Shoot that’s me. I gotta make it to my gate. I’ll call you when I land in South Carolina ok?” 

He smiled and nodded happily, thinking of his plan, “Ok baby. I love you. I’ll talk to you soon.” 

“I love you too. Have a good rest of your morning cowboy.” 

Joel got up and got in the shower and then started getting ready. He needed to be at the airport in a few hours. After his shower, his nerves were everywhere. He scrambled around the house making sure everything looked good and even went to the car wash to vacuum and clean his truck before heading to the airport. He was stressed, but he couldn’t wait, he was so excited to see you. 

He flew from Austin to South Carolina and then ran around the airport to find a local flower shop before you landed.

Around 3:30 pm he started to feel it sink in. He watched the arrivals and departures board like a hawk and saw that your flight was going to land a few minutes late. He saw which gate you were coming from and ran there to wait where family and friends could pick up their loved ones. He looked around and found he was in a swarm of people, all with signs and banners for their soldiers returning home like you. He knew would need to do something to make himself stand out so he could see you to get your attention. 

He felt overwhelmed and his heart started to pound, his breathing became fast and he felt lightheaded. He took a second and took a deep breath through his nose, and then out through his mouth, like Maria taught him on that Skype call they had. 

He felt his anxiety start to melt when he heard, “Flight 235 from Washington DC, now landing” over the intercom. He smiled and then shook out his hands and then stood in an area where he could see the escalator you’d come down perfectly. 

He felt like it was an eternity he waited before he felt his phone buzz, he looked down at it and put it back in his pocket. He wanted the first time he heard your voice to be when you were in his arms. 

He also knew if you knew his plan, you’d probably feel the same way and forgive him for ignoring your call. 

A moment later he had a voicemail, he pushed to listen to it, holding it up to his ear, “Hey cowboy it's me, I arrived in South Carolina safely. You must be away from your phone or busy, I know you have that big project goin’ on at work…” he smiled and teared up, you remembered the smallest parts about his day, he loved how you loved and saw him. “...Anyway, I’ll try calling you again later, I’m going to grab something to eat, I’m starving, they didn’t have any snacks on the plane…” Someone in the background said ‘Thank you for your service’, you covered the phone a little and said ‘You're welcome’. “Where was I? Oh snacks, what plane doesn’t have snacks? A crime, right?” he heard you giggle and he chuckled and kept his eyes on the escalator, “Anyways, I’ll call you when I grab a hotel or am by another pay phone. I love you. Bye!” 

He saw 3 army personnel come down the escalator so he quickly put his phone in his pocket and then straightened himself up, huffing his breath into his palm to check his breath didn’t stink, and then he bounced anxiously on his toes, his excitement at an all-time high. 

He was holding a bouquet he made himself at a little flower shop downstairs. A mix of white flowers, some sprigs of lavender, and lots of greenery. All were things he remembered you mentioning, here and there, white flowers were your favorite, didn’t matter the type, your favorite color was green, and loved the smell of lavender. These were small things, but he knew they meant so much to you when he remembered them. 

Family and friends started cheering and crying around him when their loved ones came to greet them, and more and more military personnel kept coming down. He kept his eyes fixed on the escalator and then there you were, his heart slammed against his ribs, his hands became clammy and he had never felt the amount of butterflies that just erupted in his stomach until now. 

You had your sleeves rolled up a little, your hair up in the traditional bun, and were wearing the army traditional hat with your army attire, you had your bag in one hand, a backpack on your back, and then were also holding onto a bright pink suitcase by your left side.

His heart started pounding excitedly, and he smiled widely, waiting for you to look his way. As you rode down you were talking to a little kid while his mom held him behind you, you were making faces at him, making him giggle loudly. Joel smiled and watched lovingly, he knew he wanted to have a family with you one day. You’d be a great mom and he loved thinking of you carrying his child, it made his heart soar thinking about that in his future now that you were home. 

As you got to the bottom you hopped off dramatically to make the kid laugh again and your smile was so bright, his heart almost burst at the sight. You then helped the mother with her suitcase that you were holding by you as you rode down before she thanked you for your help and service and walked the other way. You grabbed your bag from the floor and started walking towards the exit, trying to get out of this crowded area. You were walking on the other side of the waiting area that Joel was on. 

Joel watched you, “Shoot, there’s too many people” so he shouted, “Y/N!” realizing you weren’t going to see him. 

You stopped and looked around, frantically looking around, “Joel?” you said to yourself then you saw him and he saw you. 

You both smiled at each other at the same time and you let out a chuckle, breathing excitedly as you started to walk towards him then started to walk faster wanting to get to him quickly. 

He did the same and started walking towards you, maneuvering through crowds of people, keeping eye contact with you, you both had tears in your eyes and were smiling brightly. 

As soon as he was close enough, you dropped your bag and took off your backpack, and then walked a few more steps towards him. He chuckled as he grabbed you by the waist with his free hand, pulled you close to him, picking you up, spinning you around in his arms. 

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders loosely giggling then as he set you down slowly and softly, you both kept eye contact. “I… what are you doing here?” you looked at him lovingly and touched his cheek gently, making sure this was real, tears spilling down your face, chuckling happily. 

He leaned against your hand softly, eyes full of so much emotion, and smiled, “I came to surprise you but also, you ain’t drivin’ 15 hours my love… not on my watch.” he chuckled lightly and then looked into eyes and then at your lips, and his breathing became quick and excited, he lightly licked his lips and swallowed, “But also… I couldn’t wait a whole other day to do this…” he gently put his hand on your cheek and stroked it with his thumb softly before he leaned in slowly. He brushed his nose against yours, smiling lovingly before you both leaned into each other and closed your eyes, connecting your lips in a soft but passionate kiss. You kept your hand on his cheek for a moment and then moved it slowly to tangle in his hair, pulling him closer and to keep kissing you. He slowly moved his hand from your cheek and your waist and pulled you closer to him continuing to kiss you deeply and with every ounce of love he could pour into them, smiling when he changed the angle of his head to get better access to you. 

You smiled and slowed down your kisses and pulled back inches away from his lips and whispered, “I couldn’t wait for that either…” you looked up into his eyes and then looked back down at his lips “Joel?” you looked back up into his eyes. 

“Yeah baby?” he held you close to him, rubbing his thumb gently on your waist, softly dancing his nose across yours, smiling as you giggled “You have the most beautiful eyes…” you reached back and touched his cheek, “You’re so handsome…” you licked your lips, “I… I lo-” he cut you off by catching his lips in his and then whispering against your lips, “I love you.” he kissed you again, this time with a deep and slowly, gripping onto your waist to pull you as close as you could to him before gently pulling back after a couple of kisses and looking down at you, breathless, “I’m sorry but you got to say it first over there, I get to say it first over here.” he grinned as you giggled and nodded, reconnecting your lips to his, softly saying against his lips, “Ok cowboy, deal.” he picked you up again, you giggled against his lips as he spun around, kissing you slowly and lovingly before setting you back down and pulling back slowly, his lips swollen, cheeks flushed. 

You smiled and chuckled, “I love you so much.” you felt his heart pounding against your chest, he was just as excited as you were. 

He kissed your nose and then forehead, “I love you more than you’ll ever understand darlin’...” he gently pulled you to lay against his chest and hugged you, wrapping you in his arms. You’ve never felt so safe and loved. 

He smelled of mint and sandalwood with a slight hint of eucalyptus, ‘Sarah was right’, you thought smiling to yourself. The scent was intoxicating and instantly made you feel warm inside. It was now your comfort, your security, your home scent. You wrapped one arm around his waist and kept one hand on his chest. For a moment you felt like it was just you and him, nothing else. His heart began to slow down and you could hear him hum contently.  

You pulled back slowly and smiled at him then tilted your head, took a small step back, and looked at him up and down, grinning, “Cowboy, did you go shoppin’ and get a haircut for me?” you bit your lip, as he looked delicious. 

He blushed and nodded, “I wanted to look my best baby, just for you.” he smiled, loving that you noticed, and by your reaction, he knew you enjoyed it. 

You looked up at him grinning and touched his hair gently then gently traced your hands down his jacket and gently tugged his collar towards you, “God damn, you’re so fuckin’ handsome for me.” you bit your lip and then brought your hands to his cheeks and pulled him to your lips once more, giving him a deep and slow kiss, gently pulling on his lip when you let go. 

His cock instantly started to become hard and he narrowed his eyes at you, biting his lip, tasting you, “Mmm, you can’t do that to me right now baby…” he closed his eyes and swallowed, leaning his head against yours, “I want you so bad, but I don’t want it to be in an airport…” he pleaded, gripping your waist with his hand, letting out a shaky chuckle. 

You giggled and moved your nose against his, “I don’t want that either handsome, I just wanna keep you on your toes…” you looked into his eyes and batted your eyelashes. 

He smirked, “Honey, I’m a fuckin’ ballerina pointe shoe dancer right now, I’m on my toes, believe me…” he chuckled down at you and brought his hand up to your cheek, gently stroking it and then tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. 

You giggled and then gave him a quick kiss before pulling back from him “Wanna give me a twirl then?” you teased. 

He chuckled and then gasped, “Oh, these are for you!” he smiled as he pulled out the bouquet from behind you as he had held onto them the whole time. 

You looked down at them and tears clouded your vision, “Joel… they’re beautiful.” you gently took the bouquet and looked through the arrangement, “Did you make this?” you looked up at him and he nodded proudly, a tear fell down your cheek, your heart so full.

He immediately touched your cheek and smiled sadly, “Oh sweetheart, please don’t cry…” he wiped the tear from your cheek. 

“No, it's happy tears, I promise!” you said chuckling as a few more tears streamed down your cheeks, “I… I don’t know what to say, you…I…” you were lost for words, you looked down at the bouquet, suddenly feeling shy, smiling like an idiot.

He moved his hand down from your cheek and gently grabbed your chin between his thumb and finger, pulling you up to look at him. He leaned down and kissed your forehead, then nose, then cheek, and stopped inches away from your lips and whispered, “What did I say about hidin’ that beautiful smile from me?” you looked into his brown eyes, filled with so much love, adoration, devotion and loyalty, you melted. 

“Never to do it…” you whispered back, bouncing your eyes back and forth between his eyes and lips, you were putty in his grasp, you’d never be the same now that you’ve felt this type of love. 

He ran his thumb over your lips slowly, looking at your lips hungrily, “Never to do it…” he whispered breathlessly back before he leaned in again and kissed you gently before pulling back for an instant to smile before returning to your lips and devouring you. 

Your hand that you held the flowers with dropped to your side and the other pulled him closer by his jacket before it slid up his chest and cradled his cheek and jaw. You lightly let out a moan as his tongue parted your lips, he chuckled lightly and slowed down, gently pulling away, keeping his eyes closed, smiling as he pressed his forehead against yours, “Sorry, I… god you’re addicting…” he was out of breath, starting to get wound up. 

You kept your eyes closed as well for a few moments, leaning your forehead against his, giggling. 

He had both his hands on our waist and absentmindedly rubbed his thumbs against you, soothing you. “I think before we get a ticket for public indecency and kicked out of the airport we should get outta here.” he said softly as he opened his eyes chuckling. 

You opened yours as well and nodded, adding a small giggle as you nodded, “I think that would be best cowboy…” you gently kissed his nose and then slowly parted yourself from him, turning around to grab your bags. 

He cleared his throat, “Baby, what do you think you’re doin’...” 

You grabbed your backpack and swung it over your shoulder, confused, “Gettin’ my bags?” you smiled innocently. 

He shook his head and came over and softly took your backpack from you and kissed your cheek, “My girl doesn’t carry anythin’ she doesn’t need to…” he smiled and swung it onto his back and then grabbed your duffle with his other hand before holding out his right hand for you to take, “Where do ya wanna go get a bite to eat? We have an hour before our flight…” he smiled down at you. 

You blushed and bit your lip, never having someone treat you like this in the smallest fraction, you felt so special and cared for. You gently grabbed his hand and intertwined your fingers with his, smiling softly, “I um… I’ve been eating rice and beans for the longest time and there’s too many choices for me to pick from, so you choose!” you looked at him, he pulled your hand to his lips and kissed it gently before leaning down and pecking your lips, “How does a burger and fries sound?” he said after pulling away from your lips. 

You let out a moan and rolled your eyes, “Oh god, yes please that sounds delicious!” 

He turned red and chuckled at your reaction, “Darlin, you can’t say and do things like that, you’re gonna drive me mad.” he said as he started walking with you towards the exit. 

You giggled to yourself, “Sorry cowboy, I’ll tone it down.” you gently squeezed his hand and leaned against his arm as you walked. 

Joel took you to a burger joint in the food court that smelled divine. You ordered the ‘Guac-O-Clock’ burger which had guacamole, pepper jack cheese, and crunchy jalapenos. Joel ordered the same, curious about the flavor as well, and an order of large fries for you both to share. He looked at you and asked what you wanted to drink and you said that water was fine, but he knew you wanted something else, you just weren’t sayin’ it. He looked at you and kissed the side of your head as he looked up at the menu as you were still ordering at the counter, “I want somethin’ to drink but don’t know what, what do you recommend baby?” 

You looked up at the menu, “Can never go wrong with a Coke and if you’re feelin’ real frisky, a vanilla shake to dip your fries in!” you smiled and looked at him, he was already looking at you, smirking. He turned to the cashier, “Two of what she just said please.” 

You can’t believe you fell for that, you huffed and gasped, “That was some bullshit reverse psychology there Miller!” you waved your finger in a circle towards him and giggled. 

He gently grabbed your finger and leaned in close, “You don’t ever need to hold back with me darlin’, tell me what you want and you’ll have it, yeah?” he pecked your lips and then smiled, “Wanna go find us a seat while I grab our food?” he asked softly, then turning to pay the cashier. 

You nodded and reached for your bag in his hand, he pulled it back, and you chuckled, “Honey, you’ll need both hands, let me just take it back to the table, then you can be my noble steed for the rest of the day.” you kissed his cheek, “I promise, I won’t fuss.” you winked.

He smiled and pecked your lips back, moving his hand back and handing you the bag, “Ok, you’re right. Thank you.” 

You took the bag and went to find a table. You found one in the back that was not so noisy. You set your bag down and then went over to get straws, napkins, and a few little cups of ketchup in case. 

Joel watched you and smiled happily, he felt so full of life right now and it felt so right having you here, being yours. He felt his heart swell with so much love and now you were here, he’d never let you go, he wanted forever with you. 

After his order was called he made it over to your table and you met him there with what you had gathered. 

“Thanks for grabbing all that darlin’...” he smiled at you as he took your backpack off him and set it next to your bag before pulling out your chair for you. 

You kissed his cheek as you sat down, “Thank you, sweetheart.”

He came around sat across from you, and smiled at you, “Dig in!” he chuckled as you separated the food out and then started slowly eating some fries, you closed your eyes and hummed, ���It’s been so long since I’ve eaten actual like food ‘food’.” you giggled and took a sip of your Coke. 

He smiled lovingly as he watched you eat, he took a bite from his burger and paused, looking down at it, shocked. 

You looked at him and smiled, “Is it good?” you chuckled. 

He nodded and rolled his eyes back in his head, letting out a groan and chewing, “That’s the best damn burger I’ve ever had holy shit…” he said with his mouth full, “Mmm…” he covered his mouth, “I’m so sorry darlin’, where are my manners?” he chuckled. 

You smiled and shook your head, “Nah, good manners go out the window when it comes to food that good handsome.” giggling and then you took a bite paused as well, and looked at him, he nodded and chuckled. 

“Right? It’s so good…” he took a sip of his Coke. 

You nodded and chewed, then swallowed, “Mmm nice fun fact about me… I love guac, like I make it homemade all the time, so this burger, it's gonna make me cry, it’s perfect.” you took another bite and smiled to yourself, doing a little dance happily in your seat. 

Joel smiled at you and chuckled, “Happy dance baby?” he took another bite as well. 

You nodded and giggled, chewing and swallowing before taking another bite. 

You two ate like this for a few more minutes before your burgers were gone and you held each other's hands across the table and shared the fries and had your shakes making small talk, catching up on the last two days you two haven’t been able to talk much due to traveling. 

You grabbed a fry and went to dip it into your shake when two people approached your table, “Excuse me…” an older man said, he had crutches and was in army attire as well, except he was wearing the decorated ceremony wear. 

You turned your head to look at the person and immediately dropped your fry in your shake and stood up, standing to attention, saluting the man in front of you, “Sir…” 

He looked at you and teared up, “Are you… are you Specialist Y/N of Delta 30?” he then saw your patch, “I’m sorry, Sergeant Y/N?” 

You knew exactly who he was. “Yes sir.”

Joel sat there confused by the interaction, but proud you were being recognized. 

The man’s wife behind him was in tears, Joel smiled softly at her. 

He slowly saluted you back and then spoke, “At ease.” 

You stood with your hands to your side respectfully and smiled gently at him, “Captain Williams, it’s good to see you, sir.” 

Joel immediately remembered the name, this is who you and Maria had saved.

He chuckled as tears fell down his cheeks, and lunged forward and hugged you, “Thank you. Thank you for what you did, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you and your partner.” 

You hugged him back and smiled as you pulled back, “It was an honor sir.” you smiled at him. 

His wife came forward, now sniffling, chuckling, “I’m sorry, may I hug you as well?” 

You chuckled softly, “Of course ma’am…” you brought her into a hug and held her tightly. 

Joel stood and watched the interaction with so much pride and love for you. 

Williams turned towards Joel and smiled, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, you must be her husband.” he offered Joel to shake his hand. 

Joel smiled, and took his hand, “I’m her boyfriend, Joel, but I’ll be gladly and proudly taking that title one day, sir.” 

His wife held onto you and cried, “I can’t thank you enough, you will always be a part of our lives, you brought him home.” 

You rubbed her back gently and nodded, “Thank you, ma’am, I am honored.” 

Williams looked at you, “I tried to look for you on the plane, they said we were going to be flying back together.” he chuckled, “I had to say somethin’... I mean… the last thing I remember was your face, and then I think you carried me?” he asked and chuckled, “My fat ass… you carried?” 

His wife pulled back from the hug and wiped her eyes with a tissue. You put your hands in front of you, respectfully, and chuckled at his remark, “I did carry you out of the combat zone into the building we exited on top of sir, but then my partner was shot while she and our combat escort were attempting to make it to safety as well behind me. I handed you off to Private Jack Coleman, he carried you the rest of the way to the plane while I went back out and got my partner sir.” you smiled gently as you explained. 

His wife looked at you, “You went back out there… willingly?” she looked shocked. 

You looked at her and nodded, smiling proudly, “It’s my job ma’am to protect and aid those wounded in battle. It was my job to get your husband out safe - but also my team, I didn’t think twice about it…” you smiled and looked down briefly, “Plus she’s family…” you looked up, “There was no way between high heaven and hell I was going to leave her there.” you chuckled softly. 

She shook her head and chuckled, “You’re crazy! We were told missiles were being dropped and gunfire was everywhere, I don’t know how you got back alive…” 

Joel piped in, “I like to think she had some type of protection watchin’ over her… she has avoided death more times than my heart could count…” he winked at you. 

You smiled at him and pulled out your necklace placing it out of your attire then looked at Mrs. Williams, “I’m also annoyingly stubborn… so that helped too.” you winked at his wife and she laughed softly, along with Joel and Cpt. Williams. “But yes, a lot was going on… there were missile sirens while we ran your husband up to be rescued… and I did end up getting clipped while getting my partner into the plane but nothin’ too bad.” you cleared your throat. 

“I was told you and Coleman went back to Delta 30 afterward to rescue some of your people, I was sorry to hear about your loss.” he gently said, touching your arm. 

You looked down and took a breath before looking back at him, your eyes changed slightly, and you started to fiddle with your bracelet, “Thank you, sir.” you nodded and offered a small smile. 

Williams chuckled and then hugged you again, “Thank you again, I don’t know how I will ever be able to express my gratitude fully…”

His wife came over and hugged Joel, then pulled back and looked at him and nodded towards you with her head, “Just nod… are you gonna?” she raised her eyebrow.

Joel knew exactly what she was asking, he leaned in a little closer and whispered, “I have the ring and everythin’ planned, just waiting for that perfect time.” he smiled and winked. 

She leaned in closer, “When you do, I expect an invitation, you hear?” she patted his arm softly. 

Joel chuckled and nodded, “Yes ma’am, of course.” he smiled and looked lovingly back at you, you were laughing at something the Captain said. 

His wife came over and gently touched her husband's arm to get his attention, “We should let them get back to their meal honey...” 

He nodded and then pulled something out of his pocket, handing you an envelope, “Just a little somethin’, for my gratitude. And… I know how hard it is after you get back. My contact info is in there if you need someone to talk to…” he gently put his hand on yours, “It was so good to finally meet you. Welcome home.” he nodded and then turned to walk away, his wife touched your arm and smiled before walking away with her husband. 

You stood there and watched them walk away, it was good to see he had made it. After seeing his condition and how weak his pulse was, you weren’t sure he’d make it, but it was good he did, he seemed like such a kind man. 

However, it brought up flashbacks of Z and you were all of a sudden overwhelmed by the noise and stimulation around you to stop those memories from flashing in your mind. Your breathing became quick and shaky, starting to panic.  

Joel could tell you were somewhere other than here and then saw how you were breathing. He quickly rounded the table and gently pulled you into his chest and hugged you, kissing the top of your head, “I got you, sweetheart. I’m right here.” he held you tightly. You let tears fall and began to softly cry, grabbing onto his chest. 

He started whispering that he had you, to let what you needed out, he continually kissed your head and gently rubbed your back.  

You took what time you needed to let out the emotion you had held back for so long before you pulled back a little and wiped your eyes, “God, I didn’t expect to have an emotional breakdown in the middle of an airport food court.” you lightly chuckled. 

Joel watched you and rubbed your arms softly, as you regained yourself. 

You let out a breath and then shook your hands out, letting go of all the anxiety, he pulled up your chin to look at him softly, “Hey, lemme look at ‘cha…” 

You smiled up at him sweetly and he smiled back at you, “I know that was a lot, and I’m sure brought up some stuff, just know I’m here for you to reach out to now, m’kay?” he searched your eyes and rubbed his thumb against your chin softly. 

You nodded and he pulled you up to his lips and gently kissed you then pulled back “Mmm vanilla shake…” he kissed you again faster, then pulled back, “My my aren’t ya a sweet treat…” 

You burst into a fit of giggles against his lips and he smiled and he continued to kiss you but slowed down and the last kiss was deep and slow, savoring you the moment just a little while longer moving his hand to your cheek to hold you close. 

He gently pulled back, leaving you breathless. 

“Flight 753 for Austin, now boarding.” 

He chuckled and kissed your nose, “We gotta go, baby, we got a plane to catch.” he backed away, grabbing your bags, leaving you there, stunned and speechless. 

You giggled to yourself and then shook your head, “I’m never gonna get used to the way you make me feel…” you admitted as you went to the table and grabbed your flowers then took his hand as you both ran to the gate. 

When you boarded the plane and it took off, the flight attendant asked if you and Joel wanted any refreshments, Joel asked for a coffee and you about jumped out of your seat with excitement, “Oh, yes one for me too… please…” you beamed. 

When she walked away, he chuckled, “Didn’t have coffee on the other flights?” he took your hand and kissed it. 

“We did, it was just awful, I just tasted like that instant stuff, you know?” you messed with his fingers as you talked, and then looked up at him when after he kissed your temple. 

“How do you like your coffee, are you a sweet or bitter drinker?” he looked down at your hands together. 

“You gonna make me coffee tomorrow morning cowboy?” you smiled, blushing. 

“That and breakfast my love.” he looked over at you, lovingly. 

You looked at him and then leaned up and kissed him, softly and gently a couple of times before pulling back. 

“I like my coffee with just a splash of milk and a tiny bit of caramel sauce, and during Christmas time I like peppermint creamer.” you giggled. “You like yours black right?” you looked at your hands again and leaned your head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, black… like my soul!” he joked, chuckling. 

You chuckled with him and then the flight attendant came back with your coffee’s. 

You perked up and gently took yours from her, she gave you a few sleeves of sugar and creamer- you put one creamer and two sugars and then took a sip, you did a little dance like you did at the burger joint. Joel smiled and started chuckling, “You do that when you like your food or drink, don’t ya?” 

You looked at him, “Do what?” 

“That cute little happy dance, I’ve noticed you do it when you eat something really good or eat something you really like… it’s adorable.” he smiled down at you and then wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side.  

You shrugged, “I didn’t know I did it that often, but as long as you think it’s cute, it’ll keep happening.” you chuckled as you nuzzled into his side. 

Joel hummed and rubbed absent-minded circles against your shoulder, keeping you close to him.

When you saw it was about a 4-hour flight on the TV in front of you, you immediately got sleepy, your eyes started to close and before you knew it you were out. 

“I forgot to tell ya but Sarah went to a friend's house for the night so we will have the house to ourselves, you wanna rent a movie and order in for dinner?” he kissed the top of your head. 

He didn’t hear you answer back so he moved a little in his seat and saw you asleep, he smiled at the sight, happy to know that he made you feel safe enough to fall asleep on him. He kissed your head again and turned on the TV in front of him, put some earbuds in, and turned on a movie while you slept.

A few hours later you heard the dings of the plane asking everyone to please be seated as the plane was about to descend. You sat your head up and looked around, slightly confused, you felt Joel squeeze your hand, “Hey sleepy head, good nap?” he leaned over and kissed your cheek. 

You chuckled and nodded then took your hand from Joel and put your arms above your head to stretch, “How long was I out?” you asked and then put your arms down and rolled your shoulders back and forth. 

Joel smiled and began putting his tray up, “About 4 hours, maybe less… but I’m glad you got some sleep, I know it’s been a long day of traveling.” 

He gave yours and his trash to the flight attendant as she walked past and you looked out the window of the plane, “We’re already here? Damn… that was a fat nap.” you giggled and then took Joel's hand and leaned back in your seat. “When we land, how long of a drive is it to your house?” 

Joel looked down at you, “If traffic is ok, about 30 minutes, but no more than 45.” he kissed your forehead then brought your hand to his lips and gently kissed it. 

“I didn’t know you were asleep when I asked this earlier but I forgot to mention that Sarah is at a friend’s for the night, so we have the house to ourselves…” he tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, “Would you like to rent a movie and order in something for dinner?” he smiled at you. 

You nodded and smiled, “Yeah, that sounds good to me. You uhm… you mind if I take a shower when I get there? I’ve been flying for about 40 hours, I feel and probably smell gross…” you chuckled. 

Joel smiled and shook his head chuckling, “Of course. I’ll order us some food then while we wait for it to get there, you can take a shower, how does that sound?” he leaned down and kissed your cheek gently. 

You nodded and blushed. 

The plane landed and you and Joel grabbed your baggage then got in his truck and drove back to his place. 

Traffic wasn’t bad so it was a little less than a half-hour drive.

He kept his hand on yours the whole drive and when he would stop at a light he’d lean over and ask for a kiss or he’d kiss your hand. He was intoxicated by you and couldn’t believe you were here. He felt so at peace in your presence and finally felt like he found someone who cared for him as much if not more than he cared for them. It was refreshing, thrilling and he had never felt so happy to be next to someone.  

He had the radio on low and as you drove he’d show you small things here and there that he thought you’d like to know about on the road - whether it was a historical or famous landmark or had a fun memory with Sarah attached to it. 

It felt so easy between the two of you, there were never awkward silences or moments where either of you felt weird filling the space with conversation, you both felt so relieved to have someone that you connected with on the level you two shared. 

When he pulled into his driveway you perked up and smiled, “So this is where my letters have been comin’... the famous 402 Rancher Street.” you giggled and when he parked you went to get out of the truck, and he gently grabbed your hand to stop you. 

“Nuh-uh, you sit here, I’ll come ‘round and get your door baby.” he leaned over and kissed you quickly then got out and ran behind the truck to get your door, and you chuckled. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, chivalry lives! It’s alive!” you did in a funny voice as you hopped out of the truck. He chuckled as he shut the door then he was immediately on you, hands on your waist, gently pushing you up against the door “Come ‘ere you goof…” 

You giggled and found his lips, kissing him gently and slowly, moving your hands up his chest to tangle in his hair and pull him in closer as he deepened the kiss, pushing himself against you, whispering between kisses, “You’re gonna be treated like the goddess you are…” he began trailing his hands down to your ass and grabbing a handful, you let out a soft moan and he grinned against your lips, “Mmm I like that sound…” he then moved his head and trailed his lips against your jawline then began kissing your neck. You leaned your head back and closed your eyes, “Joel…” you said breathlessly. He chuckled against your skin then he pulled back and came back to look at you, “Yeah baby?” 

You were about to say something when you both heard, in a lighter southern accent “Joel Miller is that you?” as his older neighbor came down the sidewalk, and around his truck, catching you both in the action, “Oh, oh dear I’m so sorry.” she said and turned away, “Joel there are children around, behave!” she waved her hand at him. 

You giggled and leaned your head back, letting out a louder laugh, Joel turned bright red and then looked at you laughing and then Mrs. Rose his neighbor, who was this older lady who was for the love of all things holy, so damn nosey. He sighed and put his head against your shoulder, “Mrs. Rose… I…” he said trying to find what to say. 

“Ma’am I’m so sorry you just walked in on… well that…” giggled and then you gently slid out from under Joel and came up to the woman, “I’m Y/N, it’s lovely to meet you.” you smiled and stuck out your hand.

She turned to look at you and she exclaimed, “Oh my god! You’re home!” she shook your hand gently. 

You looked at her confused and chuckled, “I’m home, yeah! Did Joel say somethin’ or was it just in the community newsletter?” you joked. 

She gasped, “Oh you're right! It needs to go in there!” she didn’t catch onto your joke and was serious about adding it. 

You giggled. Joel came up from behind you and wrapped his arm around you and kissed your cheek, “It’s not goin’ in that damn newsletter Rose…” he said grumpily, clearly blue-balled.

Rose looked at Joel “Oh pfft you big grump!” she swatted at him. 

You smiled at him, “Yeah you big grump!” you chuckled and looked back at her, “Is everything ok ma’am? Did you need Joel for something?” you smiled gently at her, putting your hand on Joel’s around your waist. 

“I was wondering if he could come put batteries in my smoke detector quick, the damn thing won’t quit beepin’...” she smiled at you kindly. 

You pulled yourself away and looked up at him, grinning, “Oh Rose, he’d be happy to help! Plus, I’ve got to take a shower anyway, he can come to do it while I’m doin’ that.” you kissed his cheek, Joel was biting his tongue, and from the bulge you felt behind you, clearly frustrated. “You mind if he helps me inside real quick then he’ll be over?” you smiled at her. 

“Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you so much dear!” she started to walk away, “Joel you know where the key is honey, just let yourself in!” she said as she walked. 

You grinned and then started to walk to the front door, giggling, “You comin’ cowboy?” 

Joel grinned and bit his lip and then looked at you, “Get inside, you’re in trouble…” he tossed you the keys. You caught them and giggled as you used them to get inside. 

He hurried and grabbed your bags in the bed of his truck and then ran inside after you. 

He closed the door quickly, set your bags down, and then picked you up so your legs were around his waist and pinned you up against a wall, knocking down a photo frame, and immediately devouring your lips with his. You giggled when he grabbed you and let out a moan as you started to kiss you. Your hands immediately made their way into his hair, tangling your fingers through his locks, pulling him closer to you. 

Both of you were clearly out of breath, you began trying to take off his jacket, and he set you down on your feet softly and aggressively took it off then threw it behind him, he untucked your button-up and began to impatiently unbutton it, he got it undone and began taking it off your shoulders, you helped him and then threw it behind him as well, he pulled back a fraction, “Arms up.” he said desperately, you did as he asked and he lifted your tank up and off your body, before putting his hand on your cheek and kissing you slow and passionately. 

You kissed him like that for a few moments before you pulled back gently and put your hand on his chest, out of breath, “Mmm wait…” he moved down to your neck and you chuckled, letting out a small moan as he began to suck on the soft spot between your jaw and ear, hands on your jaw and waist, addicted to you, you swallowed down another moan, “Joel… what are the chances she’ll come back over and knock on your door?” you let out another moan as he began to suck softly on your earlobe, breathing fast and excited. 

He whispered, “Right now, I’m more concerned with makin’ those sweet noises continue to come outta you, not what noises are comin’ out of her damn smoke detector.” he kissed up your jawline and then drug his hand that was on your cheek slowly down your body, lightly over your breasts and stomach, to land on your belt, and start undoing it. 

You swallowed, you didn’t want to stop this but you needed to shower first, you knew you smelled like the airplane and you didn’t want your first time with him to be rushed. You smiled and then put your hand on his cheek and made him look at you, you kissed him gently and then pulled away, “As much as I want you to take me into that bedroom and keep makin’ those sounds come out of me… I smell like an airplane, I need to take a shower…” you kissed him again, he was completely drunk on you, “I also know you like to take your time, and baby… I want you to take your time…” you kissed him slower this time, “I want you to pull every ounce of pleasure out of me tonight…” you kissed him again and let out a moan against him as he slid his tongue against your lip, “Mmm baby, this can’t be rushed…” you gently kissed him again, and then pulled back and looked into this eyes. 

He smiled out of breath and touched your cheek then leaned in and kissed you slowly, taking his time before pulling back “You’re right, I’m not gonna rush this. I wanna take my time with you now that I’ve got you.” he gently kissed your nose and then pulled away and stood up straight, biting his lip as he looked over your body and nodded, “Shower is upstairs, last door on your right darlin’...” you blushed and took a step and reached up and fixed his hair, “If you hurry back… you can join me if you want…” 

His eyes widened, and then he sprinted out of the house towards Mrs. Rose’s. 

You giggled and ran upstairs. You started the shower, to warm it up, and then you took your hair out of the bun and let it loose, you sat on the end of the bed to untie your boots, you were looking around as you were unlacing and noticed products in the bathroom that looked familiar and then saw two toothbrushes. You slid off your boots and then walked slowly into the bathroom and picked up a few things, they were all brand new. 

You didn’t even hear the front door close and Joel running up the stairs and then immediately throwing off his boots in the hallway. He then started taking his shirt off when he got into the bedroom, tossing it in the hamper like a pro. He walked up to the bathroom panting softly and saw you by the counter, he paused unbuckling his belt, “Darlin’?” 

You turned around slowly, “Did you… how did you…” tears in your eyes as you chuckled looking at him.

He saw what you were looking at and smiled softly, then stepped towards you and took the face cream, and set it down on the counter behind you, then gently touched your cheek, “I told you I was gonna take care of you.” he found your eyes and gently rubbed his nose against yours before saying, “I called Maria when she got home, got a list of everything you used, down to the toothpaste brand.” he moved his hand down and gently started to unbuckle your belt, keeping eye contact with you, “I got you all that stuff you see on the counter…” he kissed your nose, “I got you all the shower stuff you use…” he kissed your left cheek, starting to unbutton your pants and slide them down your legs, “I went shoppin’ with Sarah and got you new clothes cuz I knew you left everything when you left Charlie’s… they are in the closet or in your drawer in the dresser…” he kissed your other cheek, as you stepped out of your pants, tears falling but you smiled at him lovingly the whole time, you put a hand on his cheek gently, “I got you a new phone, it’s downstairs, we just need to set it up…” he started to move his hands back up your body and unclasped our bra, letting it fall down, your breath hitched and you looked down at his lips then back up to his eyes. He kissed your forehead gently, starting to unbuckle his belt, then pulled back and looked into your eyes. He let his pants fall to his ankles and then he grabbed your waist and picked you up to wrap your legs around his waist, he kicked both of your clothes out of the way and put you to sit on the bathroom counter. You gasped at the coldness against your skin. 

He grinned and then looked up at you, putting your cheeks in his hands and wiping the tears off your cheeks before moving them to the back of your leg and waist to pull you closer to him, you could feel his hardness against your core, “I’m gonna take care of you… every day, for the rest of our days… I’m gonna love you unconditionally and with every piece of me…” he looked at your lips and then back up into your eyes, “One way I’m gonna show you how much I love you is by worshiping you and this perfect body you have, every chance I can get…” he then leaned in and captured your lips in his in a deep and passionate kiss. 

You moved your hands to loosely wrap around his neck then when he moved his hands to your waist, you tangled your fingers in his hair as you kissed him for a few moments. You moaned quietly feeling him pick you up again and set you down on your feet. He tucked his fingers under the band of your panties and gently pulled them down. You moved your hands down his body slowly, and made your way to the band of his boxers, tugging it gently, you whispered against his lips, “May I?” you fell against his lips again. 

He nodded and grinned, “Never need to ask my love…” he touched your cheek and then he moved down to mark your neck with love bites. 

You panted and let out a soft moan then dipped your hand into his boxers and felt his cock, hard and thick, the size alone was slightly intimidating, but you wanted nothing more than him inside you. “Fuck baby, you’re so big…” you began to stroke him in your hand gently, and he groaned against your neck “You’re gonna feel so good around my cock darlin’, gon’ fill you up.” he used his hands on your waist to walk you up against the bathroom wall, pinning you up against it softly, moving his lips down to kiss your breasts and gently suck on your nipples as he removed his boxers and knelt on the cold bathroom tile before you, kissing down your stomach and lifting one of your legs to lay on his shoulder, kissing your inner thigh gently, whispering “You’re so soft, so beautiful...” 

You looked down at him, “W-What are you doin’...” you moaned feeling his lips getting closer to your cunt. 

He grinned and looked up at you, “Takin’ care of you…” he then kissed your clit gently and kept eye contact with you before using his tongue to press against your bundle of nerves, you let out a gasp followed by a breathy moan, “Fuck Joel…” your body flooded with goosebumps and your back arched, your head fell back against the wall as he continued to devour you, using his tongue to drink up your sweet pussy. 

Your breathing became fast and you quickly felt yourself on the edge of a climax, you reached your hand down and took a handful of his hair, then looked down at him as he continued to flick his tongue against your clit relentlessly, watching every reaction you gave him to study what you liked best. 

“Right there, fuck… Joel… I…” you gasped and you felt yourself cum harder than you ever have been able to before, moaning and arching your back again off the wall, legs beginning to lightly shake. 

Joel grinned and slowed his actions down, careful not to overstimulate you, he moved his lips to suck love bites into your inner thigh, then looked up at you, “You’re so beautiful when you cum on my tongue baby…” 

You looked down at him, chest heaving, you chuckled, “C’mere cowboy…” You bit your lip, wanting to taste yourself on his lips. 

He stood up slowly to help you keep your balance and then let your leg go slowly and softly, towering over you, touching your foreheads together, you looked up at him and batted your eyelashes, “You weren’t kidding about making sure I was satisfied first…” 

He chuckled “No… I wasn’t” he bit his lip and pulled his head away a little to look down at your necklace, “You never took this off, did you?” he put his finger through the chain and gently pulled it towards him, effectively pulling you towards him, he looked up at your lips as you whispered, “It never came off, not once…” you breathing became slow and controlled, you placed our hands on his chest and looked at him focusing on your lips. “Kiss me…” his eyes met yours, “Take care of me, Joel…” you looked down at his lips hungrily. 

He then looked back at your lips for less than a moment before pulling you by your necklace to his lips, humming against them as you slid our hands up his chest and put one in his hair to bring him closer to you. The other stayed on his jaw, holding him to your lips, kissing him lovingly and slowly, walking him towards the shower, turning you both around, and then parting from his lips slowly and stepping into the water and giggling as you let the water run down your body, he stood there for a moment, watching you lovingly, being in the moment. 

You turned around and put your head back to wet your hair. 

Joel stepped into the shower behind you and closed the door behind him, gently putting his hands on your hips, leaning down to kiss your bare shoulder and then another in the crook of your neck, “May I wash you?” he said softly and lovingly. 

You turned your head towards him and then turned around slowly, him keeping his hands on your hips, “Only if I can wash you too…” You found his eyes and smiled softly. 

He smiled back at you and nodded, then stepped closer to you, drops of water falling off the tip of his nose onto yours. “May I wash your hair first?” his eyes danced across your features. 

You nodded, “Would you like me to turn around or fa-?” he cut you off.  

“Face me. I was access to your lips.” he whispered softly and then leaned down and kissed you deeply a couple of times, then slowly pulling away. Looking over at the shelf and grabbing the bottle of shampoo, he squirted some in his palm and then brought it up to his nose, taking a small sniff, he smiled, “Vanilla coconut?” 

You smiled and nodded, “Good nose baby…” 

He smiled and then lifted his arms and rubbed the shampoo into your hair, massaging your scalp gently. 

You close your eyes and lean into his touch, humming softly at how good it feels. 

He leans in and presses a kiss to your nose then cheek then slowly moves towards your lips, teasing you with how close he is, you open your eyes and peek at him grinning above you, he bites his lip, “Can I help you?” he asks you innocently.

“Just wonderin’ what mischief you’re up to…” you chuckle softly and then close your eyes again. He rinses your hair and his hands in the water softly and careful not to get water in your eyes and then runs his thumb against your bottom lip, “Tell me, where do you like being kissed the most, my love…” 

You smiled against his thumb, “Why don’t you use those lips and I’ll tell ya when you’re close…” Your eyes danced between his and his lips. 

He grinned and then kissed your cheek, you giggled and nodded. He then moved to your jaw, you hummed in approval. He moved down to your neck and you put your hands on his shoulders, “I like it there…”, he moved to the spot between your neck and ear, and you softly moaned, “I really like it there…” 

He chuckled, “Noted.” he continued down to your collarbone, you bit your lip and looked down at him, breathing slow and heavy. He gently kissed your breast and then your nipple, you sucked in some air and blushed deeply at your reaction. 

“Mmm, there’s another spot…” he then moved down and trailed his lips to the inner part of your groin where there was soft flesh, you softly moaned and then giggled, keeping your hand on his shoulder. 

He looked at your core then back up and grinned, “I think we’ve established that you like it when I kiss you there…” 

You giggled and nodded. 

He picked up your foot and then trailed his lips down slowly, you giggled when he went by your knee, “Ok I’m just ticklish there…” you admitted. 

He looked up at you and chuckled, “Noted…” he said in a low-toned voice. 

You giggled at his reaction. He continued down your calf and then kissed the inner part of your ankle, you hummed and smiled down at him. He looked at the outer part of your leg and saw where you were shot, he softly let your leg down and then gently kissed it, and you bit your lip. 

He looked up and smirked, “Turn around for me my love…” 

You blushed and slowly turned around. He kissed the globe of your ass, and hearing you let out a soft moan, he mentally noted that spot. He continued up and kissed your love handles, making you moan a little louder, he smirked. He then trailed up your spine with his lips, eliciting goosebumps as he did that. He stood behind you and moved your hair to your right shoulder, then kissed your left shoulder, you leaned your head to the right side and hummed, he then trailed his lips slowly up your shoulder and earned a moan as he touched closer to your neck. He smirked, “What about here?” he kissed your pulse point, and you let out a breathy moan, moving back against him, pressing your ass against his cock, “Joel…” 

He slid his hands to two locations, one to knead your breast, and the other between your legs, starting to rub your clit, “I showered this morning… I need you…” he whispered in your ear before sucking on your earlobe, groaning softly as you started moving your ass against his cock.

You started moaning softly as he rubbed lazy circles on your clit, “Fuck…” you turned around his arms and caught his lips in yours and kissed him slowly a few times, whispering against his lips, “I love you…” before picking up the pace and biting his bottom lip gently, moaning softly. 

He reached over and shut off the water, “Wait here…” he parted from your lips and got out to grab two towels. He handed one to you and you started to dry your hair quickly as he began to dry himself off. He was then on your lips as you dried off your body and the moment he saw you were dry he chuckled against your lips and grabbed you, picking you up to wrap around him, “C’mere you…” 

You giggled and held onto him as he carried you both to his bed, continuing to kiss him as he walked. He turned on a table side lamp and it gave the room a warm glow about it. 

You parted from his lips and were softly panting. You looked at him lovingly and brushed your hand across his cheek and into his hair, combing his hair back. “You’re so handsome… so strong… I’m so lucky…” you brushed your nose against his and then he set you down on your feet and looked down at you, adoringly, he swallowed and went to say something but then smiled and wrapped his arm around your waist and connected your lips to his once again, kissing you deep and with so much love, he then picked you up to lay you gently on the bed behind you, then hovered over you as he continued to kiss you. 

He lowered his hips into your core, his cock pressing against your clit, then he began slowly moving his hips, sliding himself through your folds. 

You moaned against his lips, subconsciously moving your hips along to the same rhythm, eager to gain more friction. 

Your hands were on his chest and one on his waist to pull him closer to you. His hand was planted above your head and the other started moving down your body to the back of your knee, pulling it up and around his waist, opening you up wider for him. He pulled away from your lips and began kissing your neck, groaning as he continued to grind against you. 

You moaned and panted, “Joel, please…” you begged, hand on the back of his head as he continued to kiss your neck. 

He made his way back to your lips and kissed you slowly, deeply, taking his time, then he leaned back a little and reached into this drawer, you put your hand on his chest, “You don’t need one, I… I have an IUD…” you said softly, lips swollen, chest heaving. 

He nodded and smiled brightly coming back to your lips and kissing you gently but slowly, “God I love you so much… you’re so perfect…” he reached down and grabbed his cock and slid it through your folds, whispering against your lips as he praised, “You’re so wet for me… such a good girl…” 

You moaned softly and held his cheek as you kissed him. He pulled back gently and looked down to help himself aim, then once he notched himself at your entrance he looked up and and kissed your forehead before he put his forehead against yours, “I’m going to take this slow, if you need me to stop, or it hurts, all you need to do is tell me and I’ll stop my love…” he rubbed his nose against yours, you nodded. 

“Joel, I need you… please…” you softly begged. 

He slowly pushed his way through your entrance, watching your reaction, making sure if he saw any hint of pain to pull back. You gasped and kept your eyes on him, “Oh fuck…” you moaned smiling at him, putting a hand on his cheek and shoulder, gripping his shoulder in pleasure.

He gently grabbed your hand from his cheek and kissed your palm and inner wrist before he intertwined your fingers to his and pushed it into the mattress, pushing himself further in, slowly, he groaned, “God, you feel so good darlin’... you’re takin’ me so well…” he moved down and began kissing your neck, inhaling how sweet you smelled which drove him to want more of you.

You moaned and held onto his hand, you felt so full of him, it felt so good, “More… please…” you said out of breath, “Oh god please more…” 

He bottomed out and groaned when he did so, “Look at you… you were made for me baby…” he kissed up your neck then your jaw, and hovered over your lips, “You feel so good around me…” he started to slowly move his hips, breathing heavy and quick, pulling soft and light moans from you, “God I’m so in love with you…” he crashed his lips onto yours and letting out a groan as you fluttered around him, slowly egging him on to picking up the pace. 

You moaned against his lips and you fell drunk to his cock, whimpering and whispering “Oh my god, you feel so good…” and “I love you so much… please… don’t stop…” against his lips. 

He wrapped his hand around your waist to keep you where he wanted you, keeping a steady pace, rolling his hips at a rhythm that made your pussy pulse around him, pulling him in, making love drunk on you. 

“I… I’m… fuck baby, don’t stop…” you moaned as you arched your back on the brink of climax. 

He parted from your lips and watched you come undone, “Let go baby… come for me…” he said before reaching down and rubbing lazy circles on your clit, while he whispered into your skin as he kissed your shoulder and up your neck, “Fuck… you feel so good…” 

Your breathing sped up and you leaned your head back into the pillow, gripping his hand and the sheets under you as you came, moaning his name like a prayer. 

He smirked and picked up the pace faster, groaning as he felt he was close as well, but he wanted to pull one more out of you. He kissed your lips once and then he pulled out and let go of your hand, starting to crawl down between your legs. 

You lifted your head and then before you could say anything he licked up your cunt, lapping up what you just gave him, your head fell back against the pillow and you gasped before moaning his name. 

He grinned and pulled his lips from you, dragging a finger through your wetness, “Can you be a good girl and cum again on my tongue for me?” 

You bit your lip, and nodded, “Oh god… yes sir…” feeling a heat rise up your spine from unbelievable pleasure. 

Something in Joel switched when you said that and it was like he was starved for you as he immediately latched back onto your clit, sucking and flicking his tongue against it before adding a finger into you. 

You couldn’t help but chuckle lightly and moan at how good it felt, “Oh baby you’re so fucking good to me…” 

He watched you to gauge what he could do make you beg for more, he wanted to tease you a little bit, make it more enjoyable. 

He pulled himself off your sweet cunt and kissed your inner thigh, softly biting into your flesh as he added a second finger, you gasped and let out a sweet whimper, chest heaving up and down, “Joel…” 

He smirked, “Yes darlin’?” he kissed your clit and then dragged his tongue up it adding some pressure, slowly pumping his fingers in and out. 

Your breath hitched and you looked down at him, eyebrows knitted as you moaned, “Oh god, I need more… I need you…” you moaned again as he continued to flick his tongue against your clit. 

He grinned and added a third finger, making you curse under your breath, he watched as your brows knitted together again and you swallowed, “Oh baby like that, keep doin’ that…” you breathlessly cried. 

He kept up what he was doing and then sucked your clit and let it go and lightly tapped it a couple of times with his other hand, beginning to pump his fingers faster into you. He watched as your breathing became faster and you grabbed your breast, pinching your nipple to throw you over the edge, he noted that detail for later, “Fuck, that’s hot…” he muttered under his breath. 

You moaned as you came hard, gushing around his fingers, “Oh fuck… fuck… b-baby…” he grinned and flicked your clit with his tongue a couple of times before kissing slowly, using his tongue to lap up what you gave him. 

You gasped as a second wave hit you, a broken moan leaving you as you fell back against the pillow, in sweet bliss. You lost your vision for a moment as you came so hard you felt yourself vibrating afterward. 

You were out of breath, staring at the ceiling, trying to calm yourself down, you chuckled and then sat up on your elbows and looked down at him, and bit your lip, “I want you to fuck me like how you described the night I got back from Delta 30…” you smirked at him, knowing it would push him over the edge, it was your turn to take care of him. 

He sat up and swallowed hard, “Baby… I ain’t gonna last long if we do that…” he came up to meet you back at your lips, kissing you softly, “I wanna make this last a little longer than that… I’m still wanting so much more of you…” he touched your cheek and pulled you up against him with his other hand on your waist as he settled between your legs again. 

You grinned against his lips and then pushed him off you and onto his back before rolling onto him and straddling his waist, grinding against his cock, “Then is this a good middle ground cowboy?” you put your hands on his chest and continued to coat his cock with your pussy. 

He was speechless at the quick motion so he nodded and for once was breathless, “Fuck yes, god that feels so good baby…” he put his hands on your hips to follow your movements. 

You leaned forward and sat up a little, reaching between you and softy grabbing his throbbing cock, guiding it towards your entrance then slowly sitting down, taking him slowly, closing your eyes, and throwing your head back as you did, moaning, “Oh fuck… you’re so fucking thick…” you began to grasp the girth of him at this angle. 

As soon as he felt you on his cock he grunted and watched your reaction, grinning, breath heavy and fast, his heart pounding from how good you felt around him, gripping onto your hips. 

“Mmm you feel so perfect on my cock baby, you look so fucking good…” he grinned as he started to pump his hips a little to give you some stimulation, you put your hand behind you onto his thigh and moved your hips back and forth, he was so deep that he was rubbing against your cervix and it felt oh so good coupled with the stimulation you were getting against your clit you were approaching another orgasm quick. 

He looked up at you and if he could, he’d take a photo of how fucking delicious you looked riding him. “Fuck baby… I’m close…” he whined and swallowed as he felt a pull and the tension started to build, “Where do you want me?” he clenched his jaw and shut his eyes, trying to hold on a little longer.

You bit your lip and moaned softly, feeling close as well, “In me… I want you to cum in me…” you let out a shaky breath, “Fuck I’m gonna cum…” You picked up the pace a little, making Joel let out a moan and grip your hips tighter, feeling his orgasm fast approaching. 

Just as he felt your pussy begin to tighten around him he sat up quickly and wrapped his arm around your waist and took your nipple in his mouth, sucking on it, throwing you off the edge, barreling towards an intense orgasm. 

You snapped your head forward and grabbed onto his hair, holding him onto you, knitting your brows together, moaning loudly as you came, rolling your hips on his cock whispering out of breath, “Oh fuck baby… you feel so fucking good, so fucking deep…” you moaned and he removed his lips from your nipple, moving to grab your lips in his and kiss you deeply as he held you down on his cock. 

His heart was pounding as he thrusts up into you a few times, spilling deep inside you, moaning and preaching how much he loves you, how he loves your body against his, how good you feel with him inside you, rambling his love for you against your lips and in between kisses, out of breath and but still unable to get enough of you, making your hips milk every ounce he has to give you. 

You couldn’t help but smile against his lips as he rambled, combing your fingers through his hair gently, absorbing every word he praised. 

He slowed down his breathing and slowly laid back down, pulling you with him, keeping his lips on yours, slowing down his kisses, gently tracing his hands down your back. You pulled back from his lips and looked into his eyes lovingly, “Easy there cowboy…” you put a hand on his chest to feel his heart racing.

He let out a deep chuckle and reached up to tuck your hair behind your ear, lightly licking his lips, tasting you still on them. He smiled up at you, “You’re so beautiful… I love you so much…” he touched your cheek and you whispered back, “I love you more…” he chuckled, “Impossible…” and leaned up to steal another kiss, letting it be slow and sensual. 

You hummed happily and pulled back slowly, then laid on his chest for a few minutes. He drew slow shapes and love letters onto your back with his fingertips, holding you close, slowing coming down from your highs. 

You slowly sat up after several minutes and looked at the time and kissed his chest softly, “I’ll be right back handsome…” and went to get up off him and off the bed when he grabbed your hand and looked at you, “Where do ya think you’re goin’...?” he kissed your hand and up your arm softly, keeping eye contact with you with those big brown eyes. 

You giggled and touched his cheek softly, “I’m just grabbin’ some medicine that I’m taking for my injuries baby… I’ll be right back.” you blushed at his eagerness to keep you close, “I promise…”

He sat up on his elbow, “Is it in your bag?” he kept your hand and kissed it gently. 

You nodded, “Yeah, I’m just running downstairs quick…” you leaned down and kissed him gently then went to pull away when he grabbed you by your waist, making you squeal and giggle. He pulled you back in bed onto your back and leaned over you, continuing to kiss you slowly and softly a few times then he pulled away, “Mmm you stay here, I’ll go get your stuff…” he smiled and sat up and got out of bed. 

You giggled and sat up on your elbows, “I’m never going to be allowed to lift a finger with you, am I?” 

You watched him put boxers on real quick as he chuckled, “Not when it’s something I can do baby, not when I can take care of you…” he winked at you and then came back and stole another soft kiss from you, “I’ll be right back my love.” 

He walked out of the room and went downstairs, grabbing both of your bags and then the phone he got for you from the kitchen. 

While he went downstairs you got up and used the bathroom, putting the shirt he had in the hamper from earlier on you, and then brushed your teeth quickly. You started to brush your hair while it was still somewhat damp, humming a song to yourself. 

He picked up the clothes you both had discarded downstairs and put the fallen picture back up in case Sarah got home early, he didn’t want her to see the warm-up mess to your… activities. 

He came upstairs, with a water bottle as well, hearing you hum. He set down your bags next to his dresser and the bottle of water on the nightstand, and then came and leaned against the doorway, listening to you, watching you lovingly. 

You saw him in the mirror and smiled, turning around slowly. He came up and put a hand on your waist and another on your cheek, “Can’t Take my Eyes off You, yeah?” he guessed what you were humming. 

You nodded and smiled, he started softly singing to you, looking down at you, starting to dance with you slowly, slowly rubbing his thumb across your cheek, smiling as he sang:

“You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like Heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

At long last love has arrived

And I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off you

Pardon the way that I stare

There's nothing else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Please let me know that it's real

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off you” 

He then spun you around and dipped you down, kissing you softly once while humming the horn section before grinning and belting the next part, making you giggle and smile, then start singing along with him:

“I love you, baby, and if it's quite alright

I need you, baby, to warm the lonely night

I love you, baby, trust in me when I say

Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down, I pray

Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay

And let me love you, baby, let me love you…” 

You both danced and sang together in that bathroom to the rest of that song, completely, utterly and stupidly in love with each other. 

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taglist: @sarahhxx03 , @blahkateisdone , @sunnytuliptime , @herebriefly, @pedroscurls

[filmnings]

firstly,, THIS WAS SO GOOD. like i’m blow away. the fact that she was so against him, fought against him and every urge she had for him tooth and nail but relented in the end and made her feel sick… i love the characterization so bad. like damn i felt like i was getting gaslighted reading it, couldn’t even imagine how she felt. like he literally showed up at her door after she was hiding from him!!! talk about crazy. and that friend who gave out where she lives WILL be dealt with.

your writing is so pretty and i still can’t get over that ending line. it’s like,,, he’s so perfect and does all these things for her and says all these sweet words and is the perfect image of perfection yet she knows what the truth is when the gilded mirror shatters and she get a look at his blooded and bruised body. top tier writing and characterization!!!!!

hehe now into the live reading reactions! (◕ᴥ◕)

“There’s only one person who would ever show up at your door this late at night, and you’ve done everything you possibly could to avoid him for the past four months.” immediately i’m calling the cops.

“You hadn’t told him your new address, hadn’t spoken to him since the day you packed up your daughter and what little you had and left him, never looking back.” STALKER???? omg how did he even find her

“The knocking only gets louder and more aggressive to the point that you begin to worry that he’ll wake the baby.” if he wakes the baby i’m pulling out my bazooka and showing him a real bang

“blood drips into his bruised, swollen eye from a large cut on his forehead, just barely visible behind his wet hair sticking to his skin.” giggles and kicks feet—WAIT NO. sighs i love when they’re bruised and bloodied and miserable it makes them 10x hotter

“Don’t fucking call me that, Christopher. Answer my question.” OOOOOOOOOO NOT CHRISTOPHER

“You had a sneaking suspicion of just exactly where he had gotten that money from” MONEY TALKS~~~ DIRTY CASH I WANT YOUU DIRTY CASH I NEED YOU~~~~

“Who told you where I live.” “…A friend. Please, just take it.” that friend has 5 seconds to show themself before i light up the whole world

“You slide submissively to the side, open the creaking door open further for him to step into your living room.” i fear id let him in too

“I just want to see my baby girl.” excuse me you heathen????? you troglodyte??????????

“Something warm and heady swirls in your gut, unwelcome but in no way unpleasant.” she’s thinking about having his kid again LMAOOO me too

“I’ve been looking for you two for months. How am I supposed to keep you safe, my baby safe? I had to track my family down like dogs. What kind of mother keeps a father away from their child?” oh bitch please gtfo.

“She’s not your fucking baby, Chris! That’s my baby. Mine. You made that call before she was even born. You’re not her family, you’re hardly even her father— you’re nothing to her.” EXACTLYY!!! tell him!!!!

“You scoff. “If you really care that much about “our future”, you would have stopped this. Fighting for these clubs. The racing, the gangs. You would have listened to me and left it all behind, gotten a real job. Show me that you actually give a shit and aren’t just blowing smoke up my ass. You’re addicted to this, all of it. It’s sick.”” TELL HIMMMMM!!!!!!

“”Get out.” Surprisingly, he does. He takes one last long look at your fussing daughter before slowly turning and shuffling out of the nursery.” AND DONT COME BACK!!!!!!! (please do)

“All the muddy shoeprints and puddles of rainwater.” THE ASSHOLE DIDNT EVEN TAKE HIS SHOES OFF??????

“I know you still love me.” Chan professes boldly, a wild spark in his eye. “I know you do, baby— you know I love you too. More than anything. Why won’t you let this— us—work? Why are you trying to run away from me?” hehehehehe id fold like a fucking lawn chair LIKE…. “i know you do, baby” FOLDED.

“I’ve missed you so bad… please, baby, don’t ever leave me like that again.” GODDDDD keep begging

“Your eyes flutter closed as you bask in Chan’s affection, preen under his loving gaze and delight in the way he cradles you as if you were made of glass— you feel so precious yet so fragile, yielding to a man strong enough to shatter you completely, leave you nothing but a pile of dust and broken shards.” this paragraph. woah.

“All you can think of is how passionately Chan devoured you, the force of his kiss almost punishing, like a soldering heat that bonds metal. Yet it felt like anything but a punishment, doused in a honeyed sweetness that called to you like a drug, dragged you under the waves of dreamy tenderness, filled your head with thoughts of how good it would feel to let yourself drown.” YEAHHHHHHH, also, this last sentence oh my god

“Come on, say it. Say you want me.” AHHHHHH

“C’mon, tell Daddy how badly you missed this.” i was just found dead. DADDY KINK LOVERS!!!!!!!!!

““Tell me you love me.” Chan grunts abruptly” OH????

“You feel weightless, floating, satisfied… and that makes you feel sick.” THIS ENDING LINEEEEEEE.

THIS WAS SO FUCKING GOOD HELLO??!??!!!

𝓑US𝓣 𝓨𝓞UR 𝓚N𝓔𝓔 𝓒A𝓟S 𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖ 방찬

you can't seem to get away from your ex husband, no matter how hard you try.

⧼ 🩹 ⧽ 一 𝓹a𝓲r𝓲n𝓰 ⸝⸝⸝ ex husband!bang chan 𝓍 fem!reader 𝓲nc𝓵u𝓭e𝓼 ⚬ ⚬ ⚬ unnamed oc daughter

𝓰e𝓷𝓻e ⚬ ⚬ ⚬ non-idol au, smut, angst, porn with plot

𝔀arn𝓲n𝓰𝓼 ⸝⸝⸝ dubcon, street fighter and underground boxer!chan, criminal!chan, mentions of jail and gangs, graphic descriptions of blood and injury, toxic and possessive behavior, toxic ex!chan, manipulation, explicit language and sexual content, soft dom!chan, degredation and praise kink, rough sex, unprotected sex, creampies, dirty talk, breeding kink, impregnation mentions, clit slapping, daddy kink, squirting 𝔀𝓸r𝓭 c𝓸un𝓽. 6. 2 k | ⧼ 🥊 ⧽ 一 𝓽𝓸 𝓵i𝓫rar𝔂.

♫ 𝓫u𝓼𝓽 𝔂𝓸ur 𝓴nee ca𝓹𝓼 ❪ 𝓳o𝓱nn𝔂 𝓭on'𝓽 𝓵eave 𝓶e ❫ 一 𝓹𝓸m𝓹𝓵am𝓸𝓸𝓼e

[n𝓸𝓽e𝓼.] my first fic on my new blog! something shorter to start out with <3 this took me a little too long to write i'm afraid since it's my first go at angst themes but i'm pretty proud of how this turned out! this isn't proofread, so please lmk if there are any mistakes! feedback is greatly appreciated <3

THE KNOCK ON THE door makes your heart fall to the pit of your stomach, cutting through the peaceful quiet of your kitchen like a knife. You drop the pot you were scrubbing in shock, clanging loudly as you grip the edges of the sink in a futile attempt to calm the pounding of your heart. At first you think— hope— that you were simply just hearing things, your little skyline apartment falling back into an uncertain silence sprinkled with the pouring rain outside, an atmosphere that no longer felt comfortable. But the knocking starts again, loud enough to be mistaken as thunder, ringing in your ears like alarm bells. You nearly jump out of your skin, your hands shaking as they reach out to turn off the water faucet. There’s only one person who would ever show up at your door this late at night, and you’ve done everything you possibly could to avoid him for the past four months.

It couldn’t possibly be him. It had to be someone else, your landlord or a neighbor or a maintenance man or anyone. You hadn’t told him your new address, hadn’t spoken to him since the day you packed up your daughter and what little you had and left him, never looking back. But you hadn’t called for maintenance, and you hadn’t heard from your landlord, and the way that his fist beat on the door as if it had somehow offended him was unmistakable.

You consider, for a split, mindless moment, that you could simply ignore him. He’s just a man, after all— a weak, spineless one at that, underneath that intimidating façade he loves to hide behind. He’ll give up and leave eventually, you try to convince yourself, but you know him far too well to fall into that blind hope. The knocking only gets louder and more aggressive to the point that you begin to worry that he’ll wake the baby.

The thought alone is enough to get your blood boiling, a red-hot anger overtaking any amount of fear or trepidation that kept you back. You refused to let this coward affect your daughter, wake her up without a single thought or care when you had just spent hours gently rocking her to sleep. Not after everything you’ve went through to keep him away from her.

You hurl the sponge into the sink with a scowl before spinning around and storming to the door. You wrench it open mid-knock, leaving the man on the other side of it standing there with his fist outstretched and blinking at you owlishly.

The sight of him shocks you to your core, despite how much you had tried to prepare yourself— blood drips into his bruised, swollen eye from a large cut on his forehead, just barely visible behind his wet hair sticking to his skin. The rain washes it away, down his chin to drip onto your welcome mat, staining it a faded red in the outline of his scuffed sneakers. He’s drenched down to the bone, the sharp ridges of his pecs and abs visible through his white tee shirt, the thin dark jacket he had draped across his shoulders doing little to protect him from the ever-worsening downpour. His dominant hand he curls protectively against his bloody abdomen; the knuckles are busted, and his pinky finger is twisted unnaturally to the side.

You look back up to his face just in time for him to flash you a weak, wobbly smile, a wounded ghost of the ones that used to send your heart soaring and fill your stomach with butterflies. His plump bottom lip is split down the middle, a jagged crater that threatens to open even further with every movement he made.

“Hey.” he croons, dropping his fist to his side, pained little smile dropping into more of a wince.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” you hiss venomously, praying to any god that would listen that he couldn’t tell how badly you were shaking. “How the fuck did you get my address? Go away before I call the cops. I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again.”

“Come on, baby, wait—” you try to slam the door shut, but he catches it with ease, and even one-handed he’s stronger than you could ever hope to be.

“Don’t fucking call me that, Christopher. Answer my question.” You sneer, biting back hot, painful tears.

If any of your words hurt him, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he extends his wounded hand, prying open his fingers with some effort to present you a bloody, crumpled wad of bills.

“For her.” He says simply.

Your eyes rake over the bills as if they were alien, hardly able to muster up the breath needed to scoff at him incredulously. “I don’t want your dirty money.”

You had a sneaking suspicion of just exactly where he had gotten that money from, it was written all over his busted, bleeding face— under no circumstances would you line your pockets with the bettings from street fights, feed and clothe your daughter with money that people had shed blood for. You had told him this when you had left him, given him the choice to leave it all behind or lose everything.

He chose the streets, and you kept your promise.

Yet you don’t have the strength to slam the door in his face, no matter how much you ached with the desire. Chan keeps the bills outstretched, the blood-smeared faces printed on them winking up at you, taunting you.

“Who told you where I live.”

“…A friend. Please, just take it.” He whispers, just short of begging. “I know how badly you need it. He told me you were struggling.”

“You don’t know anything.” you spit, but there’s no fire behind your words anymore. The rain has put it out, left you defeated, feeling betrayed, admiring how the streaks of lightning illuminate Chan’s hunched over silhouette. Your mind wracks itself for whichever one of his goons could have possibly caught sight of you, but you come up empty. You fear he may have found you through an inside source.

 Thunder booms in the distance, much like your heart. The helpless, desperate look in Chan’s big brown eyes sends the rest of your defenses crumbling to dust.

he tries to shuffle his way inside, and you let him— everything inside of you yells at you to stop him, shove him away and close the door, never to look at him again. But you don’t. You slide submissively to the side, open the creaking door open further for him to step into your living room. No matter how hard you try to convince your muscles to move or your mouth to open and retort, all you can do is stand frozen by the door, watching with wide eyes as he drips blood onto the carpet.

He tosses the stack of cash onto the coffee table, the bills unfurling and flying everywhere. You count sixty, maybe seventy thousand won, all those zeroes staring up at you as your mouth goes agape.

You had been losing sleep for days over having to tell your landlord that you would be late on rent for the third time this year. Somehow, you feel like Chris knows that, though it was impossible to tell how— it brought you back to all the times before where you swore that he could read your mind.

It seems that he still could, even out in those dark alleyways, on the other side of the city. Tethered to him. Just what you were afraid of.

“You’re getting blood everywhere,” you finally manage to say, your usually strong voice timid and weak. “at least let me clean you up.”

Mindlessly, you scamper back to your kitchen, bending down to rummage through the cabinet beneath the sink. your first aid kit was still in there somewhere, hidden behind a mountain of cleaning supplies and spare bottles, something from your old life that you had held on to just in case. It was as if you were moving in a trance, just sheer muscle memory, the situation all too familiar; you couldn’t count the amount of times Chan had come home just like this before, back when you were still together, beaten and staggering but grinning victoriously as you carefully clean and bandage him up. It used to excite you, even, in some sick, dark way. He never lost a fight.

But that was before you had gotten pregnant. Before the danger that lurked beneath the surface of your husband’s lifestyle creeped up on you and became all too real.

“I’m fine.” Chan replies gruffly, though the pain in his voice suggests otherwise. “I just want to see my baby girl.”

Your fingers freeze around the first aid kit, all the heat and color draining from your face. “You’re not seeing her.”

“You can’t keep me from her.” Chan replies coldly. “She’s my daughter, too.”

You jump to your feet so fast that your vision goes fuzzy, spinning around to watch with wild eyes as he balances his good hand on the wall and limps his way to the nursery. You hate how he still remembers where it is.

He smears a trail of blood across your tattered wallpaper. The sight of it shocks you into action.

“You get away from her!” You snarl, nearly leaping across the dining table to grab onto the sleeve of Chan’s jacket. “Don’t you dare go anywhere near her!”

He shoves you off effortlessly, his sheer strength nearly sending you flying back against the wall. “Stop acting like I’m going to hurt her.” He growls, making it to the nursery door in the time it takes for you to regain your senses. “You know I’d never let anyone lay a single fucking finger on her.”

He quietly cracks the door open and steps inside, leaving you to follow him biting your tongue— you can’t bear the thought of her waking up, especially now with Chan in the room. She hasn’t seen her father since she was born, and that was only because he had forced his way inside of the delivery room. He was essentially a stranger to her.

And, quite frankly, how she might react if she lays eyes on him again scares the shit out of you.

Chan staggers to the crib, quiet as a mouse, his large frame bending over the railings to look down into it. Your daughter lay on the mattress peacefully asleep, her little chest rising and falling with her soft, steady breaths. You’ve stared at her for hours before, studying every freckle, every wispy eyelash that brushed against her rosy, round cheeks. The way her nose is already starting to look like her father’s, his dimples forming around the upturned corners of her dainty little lips, always giving the impression that she was enjoying her dreams. Whatever they were, you took some comfort in knowing that they were, they’re better than what waits for her when she opens her eyes.  

Chan is nothing short of entranced, grabbing ahold of the crib’s railings with both hands, so tightly that his cracked knuckles were threatening to split back open. He gazes at her sleeping little form with a look in his eyes you’ve never seen before— a fire burning, but not one that hurt or destroyed. Not anything like the fire in his eyes you were used to. It was one that warmed and protected, the watchful, dutiful stare of a weathered knight in armor.

Something warm and heady swirls in your gut, unwelcome but in no way unpleasant. You fixate on his face, unable to look away, and watch awe-stricken as your ex-husband refamiliarizes himself with his daughter’s face.

“She’s grown.” He whispers, undoubtedly able to feel you breathing over his shoulder. His voice is flat and lifeless, but it starts to break at the end— he blinks hard, and you swear for a second that you saw his eyes shiny with tears.

“Oh, she’s a monster.” You reply easily, the rampant emotions swirling around in your head calming down at the sight of your baby peacefully sleeping. Talking about her is soothing, almost therapeutic. “Always hungry. The doctor says she’ll be nearly nine kilograms by the time she’s six months.”

“My little girl… she was so tiny in my arms…” Chan laments, lowering his eyes to look down at his hands. It was like he was looking at someone else’s, shocked by the dirty, bloodied state of them. He suddenly wrenches them from the railings and shoves them in his soaked jacket pockets, the act causing him to grimace with pain. In the peripherals of your vision, you see faint bloody fingerprints smeared across the white wood.

You struggle to keep your voice calm. “She’s gotten so big so fast… it feels like that day was just yesterday.”

Chan’s gaze hardens and grows cold again, his head spinning to stare you down with an ironclad sharpness. “Not to me!” he spits, gritting his jaw. “Not when you wouldn’t let me ever fucking see her, wouldn’t tell me where you were, how you were doing. I’ve been looking for you two for months. How am I supposed to keep you safe, my baby safe? I had to track my family down like dogs. What kind of mother keeps a father away from their child?”

Your shoddy mask of calmness cracks, red hot anger flaring back up again and rising to the surface. Your voice trembles terribly, but the disgust in your words is palpable. “She’s not your fucking baby, Chris! That’s my baby. Mine. You made that call before she was even born. You’re not her family, you’re hardly even her father— you’re nothing to her.”

The last comment strikes a chord within him. He stalks towards you, his dark eyes boring into yours, all that stormy emotion churning in them focusing directly onto you. Chan isn’t exceptionally tall, but you feel so incredibly small underneath him; he looms over you like some kind of predator, his lip curling back into a nasty snarl. “I’m nothing to her because you made it that way.” He seethes, his deep voice growing louder and louder. “Don’t you ever try to put it in my baby’s head that I don’t love her. Stop trying to convince yourself, for fuck’s sake— you both are absolutely everything to me, you know that. Everything that I do is for our future.”

You scoff. “If you really care that much about “our future”, you would have stopped this. Fighting for these clubs. The racing, the gangs. You would have listened to me and left it all behind, gotten a real job. Show me that you actually give a shit and aren’t just blowing smoke up my ass. You’re addicted to this, all of it. It’s sick.”

“You don’t fucking get it, do you?” Chan sneers, shoving his face up against yours. “You just can’t get it into your dumb, pretty little head. What kind of “real job” is gonna take an ex-con? Even if they do, I wouldn’t make nearly as much money as I can out on the streets. All I want to do is provide for you and our daughter; can’t you see that? I’m doing what I have to do to survive. My own future is fucking ruined. You two are all I have left.”

“And you’ll ruin ours too!” you laugh incredulously, directly in his face. “With all your blood money and all the enemies you make. You’re going to get arrested and locked up again, destroy mine and my daughter’s lives— fuck, you’ll get us all fucking killed! What if someone you beat wants revenge?! These are dangerous people, Chris!”

“That’s what I’m trying to protect you from!!��� Chan roars, slamming his fist against the crib’s guardrail. His voice and the loud thump startles you, all three of you— you and Chan both peer down into the crib to see your daughter’s peaceful sleeping face screw up, her mouth opening to let out a shrill wail as she kicks out her little chubby legs.

Chan’s face falls, all the bitterness and anger leaving his body in a rush, like he had a bucket of cold water poured over the head. He looks the part, anyway, still dripping wet from the rain, tearing his eyes away from your own to stare down at your daughter as if she were a ghost. Your rage overtakes you to the point it can no longer contain it, your entire body shaking as you manage to grit out two icy words;

“Get out.”

Surprisingly, he does. He takes one last long look at your fussing daughter before slowly turning and shuffling out of the nursery.  Your eyes bore holes into his back as he retreats, expecting him to turn around at any moment with some more nasty words to sling your way… but he never does. He stays completely silent as he shoulders open the door, doesn’t even turn to look back at you as it clicks shut behind him.

Part of you wants to follow him, chase him out snarling and snapping like some guard dog, but your daughter’s frightened little cries tug painfully at your heart strings. Tears of your own pool in your eyes as you carefully lift her out of her cot and snuggle her against your chest, soothing your hand down her quivering back as she hiccups into your sweater. “Shhh, it’s okay… you’re safe, Mommy’s got you…”

You rock her until she falls asleep again, fighting the entire time not to break out into sobs yourself, and when you finally place her back down into her crib and slip out of the nursery, you’re not at all surprised to see Chan still in your apartment, hunched over on the couch with his head in his hands.

Your apartment looks like a fucking crime scene. For the first time tonight you’re able to take everything in, all the blood dripped on the floor and smeared on the walls. All the muddy shoeprints and puddles of rainwater. The cabinets under the sink are still swung open, your first aid kit left forgotten on the kitchen floor.

You don’t have the energy to be mad at Chan anymore, your gaze lingering back on his weathered frame. You don’t have the energy to feel anything except empty. Depleted.

Wordlessly, you pick the first aid kit off the floor and make your way to Chan. He lets you cup his face without a fight, raise it out of his hands so you can dab an alcohol pad against the cut on his forehead. The sting makes him wince, but he doesn’t try to move away, looking up at you with eyes full of stars as you wipe away the dried blood from his skin. The dim lamp by the couch cast dark shadows across his handsome face, bathing him in a sensual, intimate light. You can’t bear to look back into them, the way they make your heart twist painfully in your chest, deep chocolate brown so effortless to get lost in. You busy yourself with bandaging up his forehead, and then his lip, and then his busted hand.

“Why are you doing this?” Chan whispers softly, the question making you stop in your tracks.

“I… don’t know.” You admit after a long pause. You do it without thinking, just like when he first stepped inside. Your natural response after seeing him hurt so many times before, playing nurse while he boasts to you about his triumphs, fills you with empty promises and proclamations of love. Your hero, swearing to you that you were his savior. Everything in you still aches to soothe him, heal his wounds and numb his pain, be his guardian angel like you used to be before his suffering became your own.

If he were addicted to the fighting, you would be addicted to what came after.

“I know you still love me.” Chan professes boldly, a wild spark in his eye. “I know you do, baby— you know I love you too. More than anything. Why won’t you let this— us—work? Why are you trying to run away from me?”

Your fingers pause in the middle of wrapping up his knuckles in gauze, quivering slightly as you let out an agonized sigh. “It’s not about whenever or not I love you, Chris. I have to put our daughter first. I have to make sure she’ll be safe and happy.”

You barely manage to finish bandaging up his hand, your knotting work far from the best. The minute you let go of him he pulls you right back, his big hands enveloping yours and squeezing tightly. “She will be, I promise. I’ll keep both of you safe, never let anything happen to either of you— I’ve got the means to keep you protected no matter what happens. You’re my everything… I’m so lost without you.”

His bandaged hand slides up to caress your cheek, his skin so bitterly cold. “Channie…” you warn, but you’re the weakest you’ve been all night. Chan can see it in your eyes.

“I was so fucking worried about you.” He continues softly, hushed like he was kneeling for confession. “I’ve missed you so bad… please, baby, don’t ever leave me like that again.”

Breaking feels a lot like letting go. Dropping all your fear and worry, any semblance of rational thought to finally allow yourself to nuzzle into Chan’s touch. He knows you too well, always knows exactly what to say to get your walls to come crashing down, what to do to when the smoke clears and you’re left defenseless amongst the rubble. Because, underneath all the piling resentment and hatred, the divorce, the distance you’ve been fighting for, you truly do still love him. You fear you always will.

Your eyes flutter closed as you bask in Chan’s affection, preen under his loving gaze and delight in the way he cradles you as if you were made of glass— you feel so precious yet so fragile, yielding to a man strong enough to shatter you completely, leave you nothing but a pile of dust and broken shards.

You’ve never felt safer.

“God, you’re so pretty…” he whispers awestruck, under his breath almost as if he were talking to himself. His thumb maps out the curve of your cheekbone, down, down, down to your pliant, pouting lips. The pad of it is hardened and calloused, rough against the soft skin of your bottom lip, but the sensation leaves you aching for more; you open your eyes to bat your eyelashes up at him, open your mouth to invite his thumb to creep inside.

The flash of carnal, animalistic lust in his eyes sends a wave of liquid fire coursing through you, down your spine to where it pools heavy in your belly. You purse your lips around his thumb and suck it in deeper, hollowing your cheeks as if you were sucking on something else entirely. Chan groans deep in his chest, his other fingers curling tight around your chin to pull you towards him. “Fuck. Come here, babygirl.”

You surge forward to capture your lips with his, and he meets you halfway; the pillow softness of his lips are hauntingly familiar against yours, yet somehow they feel completely brand new, like uncharted territory in a land you’ve ventured in countless times before. Any chastity is quickly tossed to the side with the heady sensation of his tongue tracing the seam of your lips, the warmth in your belly heightening into a wild swirl. You’re shocked by your own eager response, opening up immediately to let him ravish your mouth with a forceful domination that left you weak. He pulls you effortlessly onto his lap, your legs spreading to wrap instinctively around his waist, the closeness of your bodies maddening. Your blood pounded in your ears, leapt from your heart with a scalding fire, and made your body tremble, senses reeling as if you had short-circuited. Clashing emotions whirled around in your head, but your consciousness had left you the minute your lips made contact with his. All you can think of is how passionately Chan devoured you, the force of his kiss almost punishing, like a soldering heat that bonds metal. Yet it felt like anything but a punishment, doused in a honeyed sweetness that called to you like a drug, dragged you under the waves of dreamy tenderness, filled your head with thoughts of how good it would feel to let yourself drown.

You kiss him back with reckless abandon, hands reaching out to hold him, anywhere you possibly can— the wispy hairs at the base of his neck, the worn leather of his jacket, the grooves of his defined muscles through the fabric of his wet tee shirt. He crushes you against him, swallows you within his big beefy arms, one of his hands running down the small of your waist to grab a fat handful of your ass. You gasp against his mouth as his touches grow bolder, massaging the globes of your ass and guiding your hips to glide against his. The outline of his half-hard cock pokes at you through his jeans, growing thicker and stiffer with every passing second, pressed perfectly against the curve of your cunt. Your sleep pants are thin enough to where it feels like you’re wearing nothing at all, and when Chan cants his hips up his bulge grinds right against your clit. He does it again, and again, until you’re squirming helplessly against him, panting and moaning into his mouth.

“Chan, we can’t do this…” you manage to stutter out between kisses, the reality of the situation finally beginning to dawn on you again. But Chan ignores your plea, his lips leaving yours to sear a path down your neck and shoulders. He nibbles at your skin, kisses the pulsing hollow at the base of your throat, distracting you enough to slide one of his hands to cup your pussy.

“Yes we can.” He croons against your heated skin, hot tongue escaping between his lips to lick a tantalizing stripe up your neck. “I can feel how wet this pussy is, baby, how needy you are for me. Just let me in, princess, let me take care of you…”

He slides his fingers down your covered slit, your clothes sticking to your mound with your sopping juices, drenched to the point you can’t possibly hide your arousal. Your engorged clit aches, empty hole clenches around nothing… you whimper pathetically in defeat.

“Come on, say it. Say you want me.”

You really were nothing but an addict. Addicted to the power he holds over you.

“fuck, oh f-fuck— right there!”

Chan knows every single spot inside of you to make you scream, his thick cock hitting each one expertly with each of his powerful thrusts. The angle he has you bent in makes you see stars, his big rough hands clasped tight around your ankles to push your legs up against your chest and spread you wide open— he’s never fucked you this roughly before, his feet planted on the mattress to pound into you animalistically, but even then there’s still a bitter tenderness to the way he holds you up against him, gazes down at you in rapture as you fall apart beneath him.

“Yeah? Right there?” He coos, deep Aussie accent dripping with poisoned honey, “Feel me all the way in your tummy, baby? Feel this fat cock splitting you open? Fuck, you’re so tight, sucking me in. Greedy little cunt.” He lets go of one of your ankles to press down on the bulge he’s made in your belly, your trembling leg curling over his shoulder in ecstasy as the pressure in your core increases.

“So deep!” you hiccup stupidly in reply, fisting the sheets as your world explodes and shatters behind your eyelids. His bulbous cockhead slams repeatedly against your cervix in a punishing rhythm, so deep inside of you that you mindlessly fear that he’s pushed through and was fucking your womb. “Deep! S-so fucking big!”

Chan growls like a beast, his efforts doubling in speed and intensity, “Missed this cock, didn’t you, princess? God, listen to how fucking wet you are. Hear how badly this cunt needed me?”

He emphasizes his claim with a particularly harsh thrust, your pussy squelching obscenely around him and filling your dark, quiet bedroom with loud, filthy noises. “C’mon, tell Daddy how badly you missed this.”

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you worry that you’ll wake up the baby again. Chan fucks you loudly and shamelessly, like he doesn’t care that your daughter sleeps in the room just across the hall... the thought reignites your anger.  You want to accost him, defy him, tell him that you didn’t miss him at all. That you weren’t desperate for him to make you cum and finally leave you satisfied after months of frustration. That you didn’t think of him at night when you played with yourself, or when you took another man to your bed, because as much as it agonizes you no other man has ever made you feel as good as he does. But you couldn’t string the words together, could hardly even think with how pleasure coursed through every fiber of your being. Besides, Chan knows when you’re lying.

“M-missed your c-cock,” you admit between whimpers and moans, your face burning with shame and arousal. “M-missed Daddy’s cock so fucking much, needed it so bad— oh, fuck, Chris, Daddy, please—!”

Chan snatches your hips and tugs you roughly towards him, lifting your bottom half up off the bed to fuck into you impossibly deeper. Your mouth falls open in a gasp of sweet agony, arching your back and tossing your head against the pillows. The show of sheer strength gets you impossibly wetter, your juices coating his heavy balls as they clap wetly against your ass. “Good pussy.” He grunts, his fingers digging bruising indents into the flesh of your waist. “Love this pretty little pussy— gonna fuck it ‘til it’s molded to my cock. Gonna ruin you for anyone except for me. This cunt belongs to me, doesn’t it, baby? God, look at you… taking it like such a good girl.”

His words make your head spin, a searing need building in your core, molten lava beneath your skin heating your thighs and groin. It feels divine, better than you ever remember… but it’s not enough to send you over the edge, give you that release you crave so desperately. “Need more,” you keen, “More, Daddy, please!”

“Greedy girl.” Chan chuckles darkly, the sound going straight to your cunt. “Tell me what you need, baby, and I’ll give it to you.”

You can’t respond, fucked so stupid you don’t know what you’re begging for— Chan tsks like he’s disappointed, letting go of your hips with one hand to grab a rough fistful of your hair. He tugs your head up to look at him, dark eyes dripping with lust and delicious dominance; you struggle to keep your eyes open, your vision swimming and your eyelids drooping from the onslaught of pleasure Chan continues to pound into you. “Too dumb on cock to speak? C’mon, pretty girl, tell Daddy what you want him to do to you.”

He tugs on your hair again, pain erupting across your scalp. It blends with your pleasure to create a heady, dizzying cocktail of ecstasy. You cry out in delight, letting go of the bedsheets to scramble for something sturdier to hold on to, ground you— your hands find purchase on your own tits, bouncing with Chan’s thrusts, and you knead the plump flesh with a wanton sob, your fingers twisting and pinching at your nipples hard enough to make you shake.

“My clit!” you finally manage to whimper out, broken and pathetic. “My clit, my clit— touch me, touch my clit, please!”

He does as he promised, leaning back to spit messily on your clit before letting go of your hair to circle the bud with his thumb. Your head falls back limply onto the pillows, hazy eyes rolling back in your head as you sob and hiccup in uncontrollable pleasure.

“Gettin’ close, babygirl? I can feel it, pussy squeezing me so tight— I’m close too, fuck, gonna cum so fucking deep inside of you!” Chan’s thrusts grow sloppy, his chest heaving as he pants open-mouthed like a dog. “How about that, hm? Want me to put another baby inside of you? So everyone knows not to touch what’s mine? I’ll breed this pussy so fucking full you’ll be dripping my cum for days…”

His words should scare you, should break whatever spell he’s put you under and have you begging him to pull out. But you’ve slipped away from reality, floating mindlessly in an erotic fantasy you’ve convinced yourself is too good to be true. You don’t want to wake up, don’t want to think about what lies ahead of you once Chan leaves your bed once again. You babble and beg for his cum, for him to bring you to your own climax, scratching deep red marks into his chest. They look at home amongst all the bruises.

“Tell me you love me.” Chan grunts abruptly, the rhythm of his thrusts slowing down to barely moving, his cock dragging along your gummy walls deliciously buy far too slowly.

You blink up at him in shock and confusion. “H-huh?”

“Tell me you love me and I’ll make you cum.” He repeats, his eyes boring into yours, a knowing look in his eyes like he can see into your soul. “I love you so much, and I’m gonna show it with all this cum I’m gonna pump into this sweet cunt… don’t you love me too? Just say it and I’ll give you what you want, what you need…”

You’re just on the precipice of orgasm, teetering on the edge but unable to push yourself over, and your poor heart feels so exposed and raw… you can’t help but relent to him, succumb to his desires like you always do.

“I love you! I-I love you, Channie, Daddy, love you s-so much— ah!!”

His hips pick up to a speed that seems nearly superhuman, rutting into you wildly like an animal in heat as he grunts and groans, pinches your clit hard between his thumb and forefinger to make you scream. It feels so good, too good, and big watery tears roll down your cheeks as your body begins to vibrate with your orgasm. You’ve never cried during sex before.

“Let go, my love.” Chan croons, slapping your clit lightly. “Let it all out…”

Your orgasm hits you like a tsunami, a tidal wave of explosive hysteria— with a shriek you squirt everywhere, all over Chan’s hand, belly, thighs, creamy droplets flying with every nasty wet thrust. Your gummy walls spasm around his cock, sucking him in deeper as if to ensure you milk him dry. “That’s it, babygirl, cum for daddy!” Chan howls, intent on talking you through it even as he creeps closer and closer to climax himself. “Fuck yes, such a good girl, making a mess for me— gonna cum now, too, gonna breed this pussy! Ready for it? Gonna take it all, right princess?”

“Yes! Yesyesyes, please, please! Give it to me, daddy!”

He shoots his load deep inside of you with an animalistic growl, hot and thick painting your walls creamy white. It feels never ending, fat cock twitching with every spurt of seed he dumps into your womb, filling you up so much that thick globs of it spills out around him and drips down his balls to mix with the puddle forming on the soaked bedsheets. His legs give out and he collapses against you, gasping for breath with his face buried in your chest; you wrap your weak, trembling arms around his neck, and the two of you dissolve into breathless giggles as you slowly grind against each other ride out your highs. When Chan finally pulls out you see a foamy white ring around the base of his softening cock, sticking in his pubes.

You can feel your spent cunt leak his seed, dripping down your ass— Chan stares at in in awe, his fingers sliding up your sensitive folds to collect it and push it back inside.

“So beautiful…” he whispers, grinning as he admires your creamy bred pussy. His fingers at your hole makes you whimper in overstimulation, and you try to close your legs and squirm away, making him laugh. His eyes crinkle in that adorable way you hate to love so much. “You’re so beautiful.”

You don’t have the heart to make him leave, not when he runs you a warm bath and cleans you up so nicely. Not when he strips the bed and changes the sheets for you so you can lay comfortably, holding you close and whispering sweet nothings into your hair. Not as he promises to you that he’ll change, that he’ll do whatever it takes to keep you in his arms, that white picket fences are just over the horizon. You feel weightless, floating, satisfied… and that makes you feel sick.

©YEONINGZ, 2025. please do not repost, copy, or translate any of my works in any way, shape, form, or fashion. all rights reserved.

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[pregobirthlvr]

May I please request 2, ⛓️, 4, 3, 3(Owner), 1, 3 and second person POV of owner, first baby breach and second posterior.

Also are you willing to make carrier a bunny girl? If you aren’t it’s fine I just currently am very into petpl4y

Bunny Girl Birth

Word count: 974

You approach your newest bunnies cage, who’s been crying with contractions all day. She got bred quickly after she arrived. Her litter count ended up being low, only carrying 2 babies when most of the others could easily carry 4 or more. Still, you knew the farm could work on getting her more fertile with each breeding. 

“You’ve been in labor since yesterday,” You say, opening the cage door. You cross the small cage to where your bunny girl was in a deep squat laboring. “I’ve been tracking it too, watching as you moan and pace around your cage. Your labor has taken a long time. But I think it’s time for you to finally give birth.”

“It’s been so painful,” She manages to groan out to you, her ears were flat against her head and tail twitched. “I can feel the baby moving down… it’s so low.” 

You smile at the comment. “I know you're exhausted from laboring but we have to at least get you to the bed.” 

“P-Please let me stay here,” She gets out before having to push. 

“Your legs are shaking too bad and I can't see anything down there,” You point out. “We need to move you.”

“Fine,” She caves. Her latest contraction just ended and you both decided it was time to get her to bed. 

You wrap an arm under her arms, your hand ends up resting on the side of her belly. You manage to get her standing with minimal struggling. Then there was walking were you needed to help guide her step by step. But finally, you get her to the bed. As soon as she sits down, she's rubbing her belly and breathing through a contraction. 

“Help me lay down,” She suddenly says to you frantically, “I can feel the baby, It's right there. I need to push”

You helped move her, laying her back until her legs were spread in front of you. You rubbed her shaking legs as she let out a cry and pushed hard. You could see the baby. Something doesn't look right through. You look closer and see the baby is coming out butt first. 

“Oh no,” You say out loud when you realize what you’re seeing. 

“What?” Your birthing bunny asks. 

“This is going to be a lot harder for you,” You warn her. “Your baby is breached, it’s coming out bottom first.” 

“I don't want it to be harder,” She moans out, close to tears.

You don't have time to say something before another contraction forces her to push again. You watch as her belly contracts and she brings her chin to her chest to push. You reach down and start to pull her vagina open. You can feel the bottom of the baby just inside her opening. 

You pull your hand out when the next contraction starts. You love how she has now resigned herself to having no choice but to push. The baby started to spread her pussy lips. She grunts and tries to push harder, the baby only sliding out just a bit more. She continues to push until the contraction ends. 

“It’s almost here, keep pushing,” You instruct her. 

You watch as the baby slides out little by little. Your breeding bunny trying her best to keep pushing even with the massive baby stretching her open to the max. 

Now her baby’s bottom was all the way out of her but the legs still were folded up along the body of the baby. You rub at the skin around the baby to stretch it a bit more. 

“I can’t do it…” She said breathlessly.

“Yes you will,” You order back.

You tugged at one of the legs, helping it slip free. Then you did the other. Your bunny girl above moaning and gasping the whole time you were helping. She starts to groan again. You hold her legs back while she pushes again and again. The baby slid further out until just the head was still inside. 

“You have to keep pushing, even without a contraction your baby needs to come out, now.” You order her.  

“Okay,” She says, her voice shaking. She takes a deep breath and pushes hard. 

The head slides halfway out. She takes another breath and with one last push the baby slides free. 

It didn’t take long before the next baby was ready to come out. You return to your position between your birthing bunny’s thighs. Her chin was to her chest and she was pushing hard. The baby was just beginning to come out.

“Oh,” You let slip when you see the baby emerge. 

“What?” She says frantically. 

“This one is facing upwards,” You explain what you're seeing, “You might feel some extra pain in your back.” 

“I think I get what you mean…” ‘She said, grunting from a contraction starting. “My back hurts so bad,” 

You continue to intrust her to push the baby out further and further. Her groans turned into a tearful moan as it reached its largest point but she kept pushing. Since the baby is face up, you can watch as each facial feature emerges bit by bit. You perk up when you hear a gasp of relief and shock as the head pops free. You hold the head while your bunny girl waits for the baby to turn. 

“Almost done,” You say encouragingly. “One more big push and you're done.”

She nods as the next contractions already started to build. She grabs her legs, and screams. You hold the baby’s head with one hand and help guide the baby the rest of the way out with the other. 

“I did it,” She says, exhausted. 

“Yes you did,” You praise, before smiling wickedly. “Now get some rest. A Breeding bunny is ready for their next litter much faster than a human.”

[tccconfessions2hear]

my grandmother recently died and i feel nothing.

now, mind you, my grandmother lived nearby. like, it would take my mom 10 minutes drive me from her house and to my grandmas. in the mornings for my 1st-3rd grade years, my grandma would take me to school. from the 4th to 7th grade, she'd pick me up from school. because my mom and dad divorced when i was in the 6th grade, and my dad is a felon, he has been living at my grandmothers house (his mom), so i would constantly go back from my moms house and my grandmas/dads house. i have spent a lot of time with her. especially when i got into vintage things, since she was born in 1943. (sadly, she quickly became a housewife so- no, she was not doing cool hippie things or listening to awesome music, she was living in the american sector of Berlin with her husband and at the end of the decade had her first child, but i was still curious.)

also, about 2 years ago, my mom lost custody of me so ive been living full time at my grandmothers. and in 2020 i lived there full time. (my mom is a nurse). and a short period from 2021-2022 i lived there.

she would also take a lot of care for me. she did my laundry, made my food, and all around just take care of me.

so, it seems that i mustve grown a bond with my grandmother? i know quite a bit about her? ive spent a lot of time with her?

well, ive forgotten to mention that over the years it has been drilled into my head from my father that she is babying me and that is actively crippling me, which was absolutely true.

she is part of the reason i have an eating disorder, that other part going to my mother. (i only eat a few foods, including bacon, and literally gag and break down if i have to eat anything else. i will not eat pizza or mac and cheese or any sort of pasta, ive been forced to eat those and I gagged and cried. she only made me bacon. this might not seem like a big deal but i am not getting the proper nutrition that a teenaged 83-pounds, and yes, thats 83, should be getting. my dad and stepmom think im malnourished, and i agree.)

now, i only just thought ot this, but she may possibly be part of the reason why im so anxious and weird. i was that anon talking about picking my butt and shit. those habits werent discouraged. want to know what was?

"oh dont climb on that"

"oh dont ride that bike, you could get hurt."

"dont watch bobs burgers, that show is nasty. family guy is fine though."

(i know i was 9, but which seemingly average child doesnt want to appear as if they were older and cooler? also family guy is 100x more graphic than bobs burgers. im hoping she just got the two confused?)

so, up until, id say, the end of my freshman year of high school, i was pretty fucking weird. even now i still am, i wrote a fucking monkees cannibalization fan fiction and have an interest with adam lanza (nothing to do with my grandmother, just some weird shit im into still).

but before that, until the summer of 2023, i was super socially unaware. i was creepy and weird and my grandmother never discouraged this except the bullies from school.

also, overall, she was a pain in the ass. the worst she ever got was BARELY A YEAR AGO, when me and my sister found out that when she does our laundry, she does not seperate our underwear, and mind you, i have been on my period and my sister at the time had not, and i had felt embarrassed, grossed out, and like i was a small child. why this happened? she didnt want me and my sister to do our own laundry because she just had to micromanage everything.

and i can barely think of any good times. we never had anything in common to bond us besides older and vintage stuff.

she never liked the beatles or the monkees though. she liked paul anka. sure she let me have her records, but the one i was most excited about was a disco duck dance party (which was mostly for the joke.)

and she never tried to pass down any of her hobbies, like sewing or cooking, or purposely tried to show me her music. yeah she gave me her records, but thats all. i went through her collection silently and alone taking out any recognizeable names.

she took me out clothes shopping a lot but they ended up more infuriating because she never wanted to go to stores i wanted to go to and when i did find something, she would turn it down if it wasnt up to her standards.

now i know i probably sound like a whiney spoiled brat, but this is just how i genuinely feel. even with all the sympathy coming in. even with all the support from friends, family, and my therapist. even when i was standing right in front of my grandmother when she was slowly dying and later actually dead, i still felt nothing besides sympathy to the people who are greiving.

im sorry thid isnt a tcc thing, you dont have to post this, you can even delete this, i just needed to get my full thoughts to someone because i told one of my friends part of how i felt and he went all "ohh im so edgy eric harris haha" and im too scared to tell my therapist anything on how im genuinely feeling. from all of this to how i dont even see a point in living. (this is before my grandmother. i just dont see a point in me living when ill die anyway, all pathetic and alone too, so ill do it when im younger, at most 27. and unfortunately the only time i do agree with adam lanza is that "living is suffering" shit.)

again im so sorry if i sound like a brat or an edgelord. this is just how i feel.

CONFESSION 407

[leonardalphachurch]

you know what. i say that all chucker is actually chuckboose in disguise but you know what the same is true for tuckington. caboose is there. he needs to be there. why are you writing tucker and wash together without their third. where is he.

[dykedvonte]

I beg people in the MW to think very carefully when they talk about mental illness and physical disability cause it’s not as straight forward and easy to diagnose/depict as you think…

[edwinisms]

I know how it sounds at first, but I really gotta feel bad for the boys that sacrificed edwin; I mean even the term “sacrificed edwin” paints them in a more sinister light than they really deserve– considering that wasn’t really, actually their intention.

they were bullies, they were homophobic (and/or were self loathing gay boys themselves taking it out on edwin, or were equally likely peer pressured into acting a certain way), they planned something stupid and mean to do to an innocent, anxious boy with the goal of scaring the shit out of him, all because he was effeminate and an easy target. but they didn’t know or expect any of the ritual stuff to be real. they were all laughing and joking during the ritual because it was just that to them– a joke. a cruel joke, but a joke.

teenagers can be mean and stupid and they usually regret it as adults and grow out of it / grow from it. they were stifled the chance to grow out of it, at least while alive. none of those boys deserved to be instakilled and sent to hell; they’re really not that much less deserving than edwin himself. they were all just kids, after all.

[danielnelsen]

things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs

like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something

[amethysttribble]

I have a thought rolling around in my head about how fandom has a very rigid, very bland, very one-dimensional idea of what a ‘good’ parent looks like, and how this vision is entirely fantasy and wish-fulfillment

[quietwingsinthesky]

Do you agree w/ the fandom interpretation that john was so homophobic he’d have beaten up and abandoned his sons for being gay? Cause sure, he grew up in the 60s as a mechanic and then later became a marine during the vietnam war, but i also don’t think homophobia would’ve necessarily been a priority for him? Like obviously he’s not gonna be the full on supportive and politically correct loving dad, but i think that the fandom’s general opinion on that is pretty warped by people’s relationships w/ their own fathers

I do think this is one place where people tend to project. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; working out our issues through fiction is healthy and good! I don’t think there’s any canon proof of it beyond, as you said, him being a marine from the sixties who would probably not be super knowledgeable about being queer, maybe a little apprehensive about it from what he’s absorbed through the culture he grew up in. I think we’d be correct to point out that if Sam or Dean were queer, he might be uncomfortable about it, he might try to avoid the topic, which is in of itself hurtful.

The thing about me is: I fully disagree that John was ever physically abusive towards his kids. At most, I will bend this interpretation to say he was probably too harsh on them while teaching them to fight and that maybe he and Sam have traded blows before when arguments got too loud (by blows, I mean, probably shoving with the yelling, you know, assertion of physical space. It seems realistic to me that two people who have been using violence for a long time to protect themselves, and for John, his family, down to the hierarchal power he’s put in place of him -> Dean -> Sam, would resort to it when things got too heated.)

(I also think that sometimes fandom’s insistence that John had to be physically abusive can sometimes get a little insulting because it perpetuates the idea that emotional abuse does less harm and can be overlooked and for flattening out John’s character in a way the show very literally pointed to and said He Did Not Do That. This is the entire point of Max’s episode in s1, for the show to point out that their experiences of abuse were different. How well it was handled is arguable, but I take it as clear evidence that when we talk about John’s relationship with his sons, the focus should be on the emotional abuse, the codependency he developed with Dean from a very young age, his neglect of them both, his attempts to suppress Sam, etc. And I appreciate this about the show, because you can’t talk about any of those things without also talking about why they’re happening, why John thinks this is necessary, how he loves his sons and isolates them to protect them and ends up doing more and more damage that will never leave them through their entire lives.

I’m sure there’s depictions of John being physically abusive that handle it with the same amount of nuance that the show handles him being emotionally abusive in canon. I have not seen them, unfortunately. I’ve seen John being physically abusive 90% of the time just being used as shorthand for him being Bad and Evil and A Terrible Father. Which does not interest me. So I will remain here as a staunch defender of He Would Not Fucking Hit His Kids.)

Sorry, okay, we got off topic there this is about gay shit.

The point of All Of That was for me to be able to say, John’s not going to react to his sons being queer by beating them. He’s definitely not going to abandon them. Hello? John Winchester? Abandon his kids? John Winchester, the guy who has been keeping them in warded up motel rooms their whole lives and moving them across the country out of paranoia the demon who killed his wife could find them if they say anywhere too long? John Winchester who only trusted one or two people to ever look after his sons when he went on a hunting trip too long? We think that John would ditch his kid because they’re queer???

Like I said, I think the most realistic reaction for John, (if not just flat out him going ‘that’s fine, now load this gun while I time you because that’s more important for me to know that you can do’, because. He kind of has bigger priorities to worry about here. Like werewolves.) would be discomfort and pushing it out of his view, ignoring it. Which would still fucking hurt! And would have horrible effects on Sam and Dean both, would encourage Dean to repress it if he thinks his dad is ashamed of him, would push Sam away if he trusts John with this fact about himself and can’t be accepted easily.

I just think this is truer to John’s character.

Anyway. If nothing else here persuades anyone reading that John Would Not Fucking Do That, well. He thought his kid was demonspawn, remember? He thought Sam was corrupted and might not be able to be saved. I don’t think you can get more clear queercoding than that, and you know what John’s very telling response was to that information, to finding out something a thousand times more terrifying than Sam being gay ever could be? To refuse to look at it. To insist to himself that whatever Hell wanted with Sam, he wouldn’t let it happen. To tell Dean to take care of it, because even when John is certain that his son might literally become a demon, he could never bring himself to pull the trigger on him. Because he loves Sam.

So like. He literally would not do anything for the much smaller realization that Sam is gay. His son has demon blood that might turn him super evil, and John still wouldn’t hurt him.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, I try to keep the fact that John loved his sons at the forefront of my mind when I’m writing stuff about him, because I think if you let that slide out of your head, you can very easily make him much worse, much more flat than he was in canon. The real picture of him is just an extremely flawed man in a terrible situation who fucks up his kids as much as he protects them.

And also he wouldn’t care about them being gay because JohnAzazel real and true and they fucked sloppy in that hospital basement-

[flashhwing]

I’m here to say that you may absolutely express negativity about veilguard to me as long as it’s not stupid. hate on it for real reasons, of which there are plenty, most of which I’m ignoring because of the hype but would be glad to discuss in a civilized manner. no forced positivity in this zone this is a safe space. unless your criticism is dumb as fuck then I will point and laugh

[iamthemaestro]

you know, in certain ways I am disappointed by the fact that clothing is no longer as gendered as it used to be—don’t get me wrong, I think this is a great thing, and it definitely is still more gendered than it should be—but it means that people’s perceptions of you now have this additional emphasis on the way that you physically look, which is to say, the unchangeable aspects of your appearance. in the sense that, like, gender is based not on the way you present yourself but on the way you are. and if you don’t physically match to people’s perceptions of what “is” male or female or whatever, then to them you just aren’t.

throughout history, and in some extent today, so much of gender was how you presented yourself and how you performed your gender—which is a problem in itself, of course, but it also kind of gave you the option to “reject” one gender by choosing to present and act as the other, even if it came at a great cost, because people would generally take this outward expression at such face value. in a paradoxical sense, the rigidity of, say, victorian gender expectations made it easier for one to “not achieve,” or even outright reject, their assigned gender, and in that sense, made it easier to transform it. and you can’t do that in the same way anymore, which, as I said, is a double edged sword, but like… I don’t know. it’s a feeling mostly from personal experience, arising from my own historical fantasies as a history-oriented person—a hundred years ago, if i wore men’s clothes as a woman, I’d be told that would undermine my assigned gender and make me “too masculine,” which, you know, would have been the goal. nowadays if I dress entirely masculine I’m just a girl wearing boys’ clothes because people can’t ever see anything else. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just sit here daydreaming about running off in the 18th century to join the british army by “disguising myself as a man” instead of being given one look at a reenactment event and observed with the remark that “the british units tend to have really good female impressions.”

[starbuck]

I remember back when The Mountain Goats No Children was a meme on here seeing a post that went “I hope you live, i hope we both live,” and it making me SO angry…

And this was before I had ever even listened to the song (or anything by TMG for that matter), but now, knowing that John wrote the song, and specifically the line “I hope you die, I hope we both die” in response to radio overplay of the sugary sweet I Hope You Dance, I feel even more vindicated, because like.

Yes. Ultimately my overall life philosophy is that I hope we all live… I would hope that goes without saying. But No Children isn’t a life philosophy. It’s about how sometimes everything sucks and you feel like shit and trapped and hopeless and angry and I HOPE YOU DIE, I HOPE WE BOTH DIE!!!!!!!!! And who can’t relate to that? Who has NEVER felt like that in their lives??????

I feel a little silly accusing what was ultimately just a joke meme post of Toxic Positivity, but that was the vibe I was getting from it, which is why it made me mad. As though it was sticking up its nose at a song it clearly had no understanding of and going “well I hope we both LIVE 😇😇” and like. Fuck you lol. It’s okay to feel negative emotions. It’s okay to be angry.

[arcticmist0324]

One thing that is difficult about writing historical fiction is when you’ve set your story up in the same time frame as major historical events, which you KNOW would be on your characters’ radar yet they don’t impact the plot. What is too much? What is too little?