#you are the one I've been missing
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
"this female character is underdeveloped" TO YOU. I can read subtext and I know all about her backstory and her rich inner life. also she told me personally
#I honestly think that one of the most enriching and rewarding parts of writing fanfiction is getting to#fully flesh out and explore a character who gets some but not-quite-enough characterization in canon#unless the character is REALLY minor there are always so many threads to pull out and weave into something new#you can even deconstruct the marketing materials! oh this character is only described as 'beautiful'? wonder how she feels about that hmmm#my original post#writing#fanfic#I'm just really proud of what I've been able to do with Miss T. it's almost all right there in the script and lyrics if you'd only look!
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
REST IN PEACE, DEAR MOONBIN (1998-2023)
#moonbin#astro#moon bin#i don't want to be here right now honestly i just wanted my last post about moonbin to be the ones where hes smiling as my last memory#it kills me to see my posts reblogged with sad messages now#and i still can't believe this news either#i've been mia anyway but now im even less inclined to go on tumblr rn#im so sorry for everyone including family/friends of bin#and himself but i cant think about that bc it will break me apart#rest in peace bin i'll miss you more than anything
12K notes
·
View notes
Text
Thank you all for an incredible 500 days of love and support. I offer you: answers to questions that no one has asked.
(As always, more can be found in the tags <3)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#a-qing#jin ling#wen ning#jiang cheng#“Hey wait this feels like there should have been way more content for questions” Yes. There was.#I was not strong enough to redraw *all* of what was lost. Rest in piece the original (lost to tea related accident)#But I'll tell you all the fun other things that would have been drawn out right here in the tags!#Did you know my longest posting streak was 61 days? And my longest hiatus was 6 days?#Did you know I missed posting on 92 days of those 500 days - meaning I posted 82% of the time on a daily basis?#I'm normal about collecting data. I have so much data on this blog for normal reasons. I'm also so normal about art. The normalest.#Honorable mention for the character rankings: Lan Wangji! for “Most improved in rank”.#Sorry Lan Wangji fans but until the audio drama I honestly was...pretty indifferent towards him.#I think a huge part of that was due to the fact he's constantly paired up with WWX; who has *so* much charisma and steals the scene#But I've really come to like him a lot more since starting this project. He rose from mid-tier to being in the top ten!#Dishonorable mention: Nie Huaisang. Who fell out of number 1 spot and out of the top 5.#He just hasn't shown up a lot! And my rankings are fickle! They will probably change once I finish the third season!#My favourite comics are: A lot of them! And the ones I have yet to make!#I'm very sleepy at the moment while writing this but I do want to give a huge shout out to YOU.#Yeah! you reading this! Thank you! If you've been here since the first week or just started reading: THANK YOU!#If you've only ever lurked and never even liked a single post but still read my comics: THANK YOU!!#In creating this blog - I have found 500 days of more happiness that I could have ever imagined.#Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for giving me your time and your support.#It means more than any 'thank you' could say B'*)
898 notes
·
View notes
Note
tranny freak :)
#Negativity#Transphobia#I don't know what to tell you buddy I'm not sure what your goal is here#I am genuinely so much happier like this#Figuring out that I'm a tranny freak has been the absolute best thing ever#All the loved ones who I've come out to have been so welcoming and supportive#I get to experiment with my appearance like I haven't done since my punk days in highschool#And I've always been a weirdo so freak isn't even hurtful that's been a point of pride for decades#What made you want to hurt a stranger buddy#What are you going through#Are you gonna read this and scoff cause I took a troll sincerely#Why are you so afraid of genuine connection#Why are you scared of people#Are you happy with your life right now#Do you like yourself#How much time do you spend doing this#Do you think the negativity might be getting to you#How much time do you spend feeling repulsed scornful and annoyed towards others that you gotta do something about it#I'm really sorry#I used to be a similar kinda angry and that shit taints everything#Idk man I just hope you can see the joy in things someday#There's so much cool and exciting stuff you can find when you start looking for happiness and good intentions#Kinda sad that you're missing out
457 notes
·
View notes
Text
baby, bi bi bi
#911#911edit#evan buckley#buddie#this has been in my drafts for months bc i'm the slowest gif maker in the world and bad at finishing things (wanted to get it done before#s7 oops) but it's even more apt now ig even though i've seen like 6 other versions of it out there already. oh well here's mine#(and bonus i got to include those last two gifs so it worked out)#sorry again that the lone star one is such shit quality i literally can't find a hq version of that episode idk what to tell you#there are things missing from this but i just wanna post it before next episode and i need to go to bed i have to work tomorrow bye (bi bi)#beets.gif
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
#vampire hunter d#vhd#art#D the horseman of death (〃‿〃♡)#Hello Hello I hope you're all doing well 🥹🥹#Sorry that I only draw D haha I can't help it (❀ •̀ᴗ•́ )♡#I started Tyrant Stars recently and I finished gold fiend about a week ago?#Honestly I miss the stories where D would stay in one town in the entire story and be a little detective#since pale fallen angel it's been a lot of traveling ....🥲#and it will never not be funny to me that D has pockets full of dirt 😭 D take a shower man.... or wash your clothes please💀#2 versions because as much as I like white hair D he looks like alucard here because of the gold accents ( •_•)#I've never actually watched or played any of his games idk it does interest me? but not enough to sit down and watch it yet#I wanted to experiment with a black out style ( I tried incorporating red but I got too annoyed.#I intend to render it at some point!#so it might end up looking completely different#well...If I get myself to complete this and I like how it looks in the end I think I might make a little bookmark out of it for myself (〃‿〃#I think it would be neat...#....you see me drawing poppies a lot forgive me 💀They're just my favorite flowers💀 The symbolism works out for this drawing....
504 notes
·
View notes
Text
"A sacred guardian" A Series of Small Offerings - IV/1 - day33
#a series of small offerings#sleep token fanart#levynn tries to draw#i had this thing in my head since i put together the small offerings challenge#that was in last november#so this was cooking in my brain for some time now#this was the only one i had a very clear idea for what i wanted#the only thing wasn't set in stone was what runes i want to put on him#this is my sistine chapel#this is the peak#we only gonna go down from here#hope you like it because i worked on this pretty much all day and i've never been this happy or satisfied with anything i ever did probably#and yes this is one of my standard ca. 13 cm tall drawings as per usual before anyone asks#also yes Darya you guessed it that was the tmbte moon rising on the missing limbs one#sleep token#vessel fanart#vessel i#i sleep token#sleep token i#vessel sleep token#sleep token vessel#sleep token band#sleeptoken#levynn tries to think
898 notes
·
View notes
Text
Almost
#zutara#atla#zuko#avatar the last airbender#katara#zutara fanart#Wip#First page of three is done!!!#Won't be sharing until I have the whole thing but I'm. So. Close!!!!!!!#It's been ages since I started this project omg#But it's worth it#Hopefully I'll get the chance to finish it tomorrow... Won't be making any promises tho#I've missed you guys and I can't wait to share this with you#Anyways I know it's ZK month (and all the content has been WONDERFUL so far) but I won't be participating. Sorry about that.#Working with prompts is such an amazing creative exercise but I know myself good enough to be certain that I'll never get past the first...#... prompt without coming up with seven different AUs and I can't deal with more of those right now lol#Like I've got this Blue Spirit! Katara and Painted Lady! Zuko AU on the works since last week or so. And more lore for the og BS/PL spirits#And also this S3 canon divergence AU... And another one... And another one...#And I need to work on them at my own rhythm otherwise I'll go nuts#So uh#Yeah#Love u all and I hope I'll get to share this one soon (if only to start on yet another comic. I've got ideas for two of them. Yay)#Dema out#(Sorry for the rambling I'm just anxious)#(Don't know why but I stopped caring a long time ago)
767 notes
·
View notes
Text
Jaiden: Do I have to go with one other person, or can I have like, a group?
Cucurucho: Yes.
Jaiden: That's... not... [Laughs] There's two options there...
Cucurucho: Ha ha ha.
Jaiden: Ok, so– [Laughs] I'll go- I'll go with–
Cucurucho: [The Admin audibly laughs]
Jaiden: I'll– did you just laugh? [Laughs and hits her desk]
Cucurucho: Ha ha ha.
Jaiden: [Keeps laughing] I got the– I g– Am I going crazy? [Laughs] Ok–
Cucurucho: I hope you enjoy the– [Soundboard audio cuts off as Cucurucho runs away]
Jaiden: Thank you, thank you! I made him snicker, guys, I made him snicker! [Laughs]
(Fun fact: Retroity recently confirmed it was her laugh we heard!)
#Cucurucho#Jaiden Animations#QSMP#Jaiden#June 6 2023#I MISS THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Man I adored Jaiden and Cucurucho / Osito#I'm so sad we never learned more about their past connection#and you know. Everything else#But the moments we do have are still nice to remember#I know this is a bad posting time but I'm impatient with clips and I've been meaning to post this one for ages#Anyways. Retro did a great job as Cucurucho
284 notes
·
View notes
Text
Clone^2 - Separation Strikes
"Why do I have to go?" Damian asks, surly and accent-thick, it sounds more like a demand and a whine at the same time. Sitting on the kitchen table with his arms crossed, in a green t-shirt that Danny bought him at a whim when he was at a thrift shop, and black shorts, he's never looked more like a kid. There's a little backpack leaning against the table leg, Damian begrudgingly picked it out when they went shopping.
His English has grown in leaps and bounds since Danny found him -- er, or more accurately; since Damian was spat out in front of him. -- and very little did they have to use the translator on Danny's phone these days.
Which meant one thing: Damian can start attending school comfortably now. And 'go' was the Amity Smiles Child Care Center. Danny and Jazz went as kids until they were twelve, and Mom and Dad actually managed to convince the center director to let Damian enroll for the summer.
And it was summer; Damian starts today.
"Because," Danny says, trying and failing to hide the smile pulling on his face, his heart warm and soft, and also laughing at Damian's expense; "being cooped up in the house all day isn't good for you, and you're starting school in the Fall. And, in Jazz's words: you need to have interactions with other kids your age for the benefit of your social development. And besides, it's only for the morning."
Damian's nose scrunches up, and his eyes roll so violently that for a moment, Danny thinks about joking that he'll get his eyes stuck like that. He holds his tongue; his little brother already looks like he's five seconds away from committing an act of violence.
"I don't need social interaction." Damian sneers, his cheek in his hand; a neverend pool of pride. "I am--"
"The Blood of the Demon Heir, better than everyone else." Danny cuts off, waving his hand in dismissive circles, his voice mockingly deep. Damian's brown skin darkens in embarrassment, and he scowls at Danny. "I know, bud. But Jazz is right, -- don't tell her I said that, -- you should be around kids your age."
Especially when he starts First Grade in the Fall. Honestly -- Danny was a little nervous to send him to the center. Damian's long since cut the habit of trying to kill or otherwise maim people, his palms ache-burn with gentle reminder, but his tongue was as sharp and as cutting as his sword. He still struggles with trying to quell it when he's upset. Vicious child-weapon that he once was, and will never be again.
Danny knows that it comes from a place of fear and defense, that Damian lashes out because that's what he's been taught. That at the end of the day, he doesn't really mean what he says, and he's learning to express himself better. But the other kids don't know that, and kids can be unforgiving and cruel.
Danny just...
His slow beating heart sighs, melancholy settles behind his lungs.
He doesn't want Damian to be outcasted. He doesn't want him to be alone.
Not like he was.
Damian sneers again, but says nothing, his shoulders crawling up to hide his ears like a turtle receding into his shell. Danny watches him silently, leaning against the kitchen counter with his own arms crossed. The clock hanging on the wall ticks in their ears -- it's almost time to go.
He watches Damian, careful, and so he sees it when his little brother's stone-shell pride and petulance shudders, and cracks. The darkened furrow of Damian's brows weakens, and for a moment, slants back.
Ah, Danny thinks, his own shoulders slumping. Epiphany washes over him, and his sad-heart soothes in warm understanding. So that's what it is.
His head tilts, and his hair spills over his shoulders, messy and fluffy, tickling his neck. Some of his bangs fall into his face. "Hal 'ant easabiatan ya habibi?" He asks, voice low and soft. Just as Damian's English has improved, so has Danny's Arabic. He still stumbles over himself some days, and Damian says his accent is trash, but they can have whole conversations now in Damian's mothertongue.
(Danny was incredibly proud of himself for it.)
Damian's face darkens, his blush spreading across the rest of his face, and he ducks his head down. Grown-out curls, black-brown and springy, falls over his eyes. "La!" He yells, loud and indignant, and not at all convincingly. "La 'asheur bialtawaturi!"
He was nervous. Danny can see it now, in the hunch of his shoulders and the tightness of his face, and faintly, he can feel it too. In the ecto-rich air of the Fentonworks House, it thrums, barely-there, like a hummingbird behind his lungs.
Danny can't stop the little, fond smile that forces itself across his lips and upticks the corner of his mouth. "It's okay to be nervous, little brother." He says, he sounds like Jazz when he says that. He doesn't think she'll mind him borrowing the nickname.
He pushes himself off the counter, and Damian refuses to look at him, hiding behind his hair and in his shoulders. It takes three long strides for him to reach the table, and Danny turns, plants his hands on the ledge, and hoists himself up. Right next to Damian.
Damian leans into him easily when Danny's arm wraps around his shoulders and tucks him close to his heart. He can feel his ear against his ribs. Danny hunches over him, resting his chin on Damian's head. "It's so okay to be nervous, actually. I was nervous, Jazz was nervous." He tells him, scratching the blunt edge of his nails across his scalp. "Everyone gets nervous."
"'Ana last aljumiea." Damian mumbles, as small and feeble as he was the night on the OPS Center balcony, realizing that his mom and the League weren't coming for him. Realizing that he was replaceable.
Danny's half-working heart squeezes; in grief, in rage, and his faucet eyes sting. He breathes in carefully, and presses his nose into Damian's hair in a loving faux-kiss. "You're right, you're not everyone." He says, steady and strong, because if he's not a pillar for his family, who else is he?
He can feel Damian's eyes flick up to him, and Danny smiles into his black-brown curls. Tilts his head to squish his cheek against him instead, hand dropping to thumb below Damian's lashes. "You're Damian Fenton," Because the adoption went through a few weeks ago, and he's still riding that high, "You're my baby brother. O' Artist Extraordinaire, Kickass with a Sword, Vegetarian and Wonderful Co-Ghost Hunter."
Damian tries to stifle a smile, and fails. Score! Triumph gathers in Danny's gut, his smile grows wider. He squeezes Damian tight, and only releases him so he can look him in the eyes. "And if anyone gives you a hard time at school, and I mean anyone--"
Danny has bad memories of the teachers looking the other way when the other kids were bullying him, all because he was a Fenton.
And Danny, bleeding heart, bleeding hands, loves his family more than he will ever love himself, will never let Damian experience the same injustice. Not if he can help it.
His eyes narrow, and the buzzy-film of ectoplasm covers his eyes, making them glow, "--You tell me. And as your awesome great big brother-and-technically-dad-but-only-biologically, I will handle it."
Damian, wonderfully made, full of light, his little brother Damian, giggles weakly at him. A sound that's worth it's weight in gold. The scary eyes dissipate, and Danny matches the sound with a cock-eyed, impish grin, dragging Damian into a soul-crushing, too-tight hug. The kind that only annoying older brothers can give. "Got it?"
That gets a proper, if short, laugh out of Damian. He wriggles in Danny's arms, trying to break free. But Danny does calisthenics, his arms are as big as Damian's head, so it doesn't work. "Understood, now, daeni 'adhhab ya 'akhi!"
Danny laughs, loud and bright, and loosens his hold just a smidge, only so he can adjust his grip and hop off the table with Damian still in arm.
"Never!" He crows, hoisting Damian slightly. One eye flick at the clock, and in one quick move, he secures Damian under one arm like a football, and hooks his foot under the strap of his backpack. Kicking it up, he tosses it into the air and catches it with his free hand, and slings it over his shoulder. "Now, to the car, my boy! Before we're late and Mom and Dad get charged."
Damian groans, childish and dramatic and long, but his face is all squished up with a wide grin and glee. Danny can taste his joy beneath his tongue.
"And, if my little pep talk didn't encourage you," He says, reaching the door to the garage, flipping Damian up onto his hip instead. "If you have a good day today, I'll make you bal mithai when you get back."
Like all kids at the promise of sweets, Damian's eyes widen and glitter. Danny loves seeing Damian be a kid, it's his favorite thing in the world. "I will!"
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc au#dpxdc fic#dpxdc ficlet#clone^2#clone danny fenton#MAN I LOVE THIS AU SM#clone danny#danny fenton is a clone#i lomv. them :((( SO MUCH. I'VE MISSED WRITING THEM. i had this idea since talking to purple-goo-writes abt clone danny last week#they mean everything to me. they are the brothers ever. so family coded. don't ask me about the timeline here it doesnt exist#its post-danny's hands getting permanently fucked up and thats it lol.#parent danny is great but 'big brother danny' is SO fucking fun to write. he's silly and goofy and annoying in the way only siblings are#smth about writing danny being so full of love and kindness and protective compassion. bleeding heart that he is. its like doing cocaine#chaotic danny is SO fun and silly but kIND danny is. holy shit its better than getting high. altho ive never been high so i can only guess#there's just smth addictive in writing him being affectionate and loving and caring. he's heartful and heart full.#he's sweet - not like sugar - but like caramel. fulfilling and chewy. a kindness that gets stuck in your teeth and melts on your tongue#he's such an annoying older brother. i love him#bal mithai is a type of pakistani dessert btw. since Nanda Parbat is based off the mountain nanga parbat which is in pakistan. i figured#that the food damian had in the league might've been pakistani-based. or at least heavily pakistani in orign. maybe. i just didn't wanna#look up 'arabic desserts' and pick the first one off the list. felt inauthentic that way alsdh#translations since you wont get it through google translate:#1. 'are you nervous beloved?' 2. 'no! I am not nervous!' 3. 'I'm not everyone' 4. 'let me go brother!'#while i dont usually use 'little brother' or 'brother' as terms of endearments between siblings. Jazz canonically calls Danny that and#i figured if i worded it in a way that sounded natural. it would sound less soul-crushingly cringy. look as someone wit THREE siblings.#i know exactly how siblings interact with one another. but this felt like a special exception. they don't say it often
263 notes
·
View notes
Text
What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 4 + Familect (article)
#dan and phil#amazingphil#daniel howell#danisnotonfire#phil lester#this idea has been cooking in my brain for literally MONTHS but this weekend was literally the first day off i've had since JANUARY#which is so cruel and unusual don't get me started but anyways#and also the first time they haven't dropped something unhinged that i felt compelled to run through photoshop#also it took forever because originally i was going to do all the WDAPTEOs so like i pulled clips from 2 3 and 4#and didn't end up using any of the ones i pulled from 2 and 3 so guess i just wasted some time there#so it didn't take me actually as long to put together the actual set but like i spent a solid 5 hours working on the general project#tbf though the videos are 20 minutes long so like an hour was just watching to get the time stamps#and i didnt want to miss one by putting it on higher playback speed bc some of them are really quick#well congrats if you made it this far in my fucking tags essay about this post#this is like a 'stick around after the episode for a look behind the scenes' segment#hexagifs
291 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)
Bonus:
He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#FJdlsafjdsf Handplates fuzzes my brain#I cannot tell you how weird it feels to draw Gaster with the Lost Soul head after all this time away haha#It drops me back into the person I was when I first read Handplates - for better or for worse. It's a very strange feeling#Even drawing Sans and Papyrus again sends me back! Not as strongly but certain little details stand out#Sans' eyes especially... Very strange feeling#Anyhow! Since Fellplates sent me back down the rabbit hole and I've gotten back into rereading lightly - still not a full commitment!#Maybe soon tho 👀 I feel like I always say that haha#But in the meantime thinking of the pre-Plates Handplates time period <3 Since that's the one I'm still most familiar with haha#I love when they're still growing and learning ♪ Scaffolded baby talk! Twin language! Love 'em ♥#And fearless* mischievous little troublemakers hehe#They're so cute <3 I love the little ways they interact as young'uns - like when Papyrus will just lift Sans by his arms lol#I'd been thinking about and then had to go read the one of Sans as a the blanket/coat tickle monster and then - this ✨#''Excuse me sir I'd like One Ticket to the R Rated movie I am an adult Monster'' lol#Probably another one of those moments where Gaster is just *nervously sweats in Dad* lol - stop being so cute!#Also there's no particular meaning to when I use WingDings for his text :P Just convenience and if I remember to lol#Comics where he talks a lot are not convenient XP I have enough trouble editing on this paper ugh I will Not miss it when it's done#Even attempted this comic in as few pencil strokes/erasing as possible and it was still a pain to work with! >:0 Rude#Doubly so that I've had a Handplates comic idea for past like - year lol - and /this/ was the first one I finished pfftbl#To be fair to the other I do want to at least attempt making it a look-alike hehe ♪ You know how it is with Ideas™#I can't be too mad about it haha ♫ It did turn out quite cute after all :3
813 notes
·
View notes
Text
"A web of light that connects humans. It may seem almost invisible, ephemeral, but it grows stronger when they are threatened. This web is always on your mind. When darkness comes, you want every thread that extends from you to shine bright so that those who follow do not lose their way. Whenever a thread breaks, you grieve it." (c.) Nom_OS
Nomos are quite the poet. And their description fits Theciya perfectly yet the corresponding response is so against the grain, I can't, aaaaargh. Yet I have to pick it since it is the only way to answer Nomos that they are right (:
#rogue trader#warhammer#artists on tumblr#solanj art#rogue artist#warhammer 40k#Theciya von Valancius#my oc#Theciya dear I've been missing you so much#(until I got to drawing your hair that is)#but well no one is perfect
149 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why would you—That's not—I just wanted to ask for help, why did you have to go and make it awkward???
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#xue yang#Its such a relief to not have to draw so many characters once again.#Redrawing the specific font from the English translated mdzs books was surprisingly fun!#Maybe I'm alone in this...but I think characters switching to a different font of speech for *emphasis* is peak comedy#you can't communicate voice changes of sound very well in non audio forms so this is the best I can do.#Anyways...rip Xue Yang. You finally meet your idol and he brushes you off#Rather— he doesn't live up to the expectations you built in your head#Kind of an on going issue there Jester (I refuse to call him king or sir)#XY is constantly making people out to be the versions he needed them to be to feel justified in his actions#but struggles to pivot when confronted with the fact that these ppl are *more* than just one surface reading!#wwx doesn't actually think xy is flirting. He's just tired of all the fake fans + wants to get out of this convo.#button mashing the A button to skip the unskippable cutscene#Lan Wangji is in the next comic btw. I've missed him dearly. I'm sorry he's been gone so long </3#edit: poorly spelt MDZS strikes again. This is why I need more time to write my comics. So I can actually proofread B*(#edit2: I cast 'Power of Technology' and fixed my error. Everyone reblog this version instead please
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Hatchetfield @femslashfortnight Day 2: Retro
#would you look at that- it’s another hfff drawing#incredible#some Hollowebby for the soul#I just really think they’re neat yknow#This isn't one of my favorite drawings but hey thats alright#that's cool#they can't all be bangers but for what it's worth it isn't horrible#anyways yeah#now i'm going to go work on Art Fight stuff#very exciting#I don't know how much I'm going to be able to do for it but I guess we'll find out#so much drawing this summer#it's crazy i've been out of school for two weeks and i've drawn like 10 things already#these hands cant stop wont stop#Anyways I love the idea of them skating#I'm a roller blader myself but the skates are cute#did some fun textures and reflections in this one too#I love roller blading tho#wish I could do it more often#fun fact: despite it's portrayal in minecraft- obsidian ranks at a 5-6 on the mohs hardness scale- being the same hardness as opal or glass#idk that's what i came up with for todays fact- i feel like most people know that one but idk#hatchetfield femslash fortnight#hollowebby#miss holloway#webby#hatchetfield#nightmare time#starkid#team starkid#kim whalen
191 notes
·
View notes
Text
"Are you happier? Now that the war is over?"
It had been meant as a serious question, but from the look on Kira's face, she hadn't caught onto that. "What sort of question is that, 'am I happier'?" she asked, laughing a little as she spoke. "Of course I am! Who isn't?"
Shrugging, Julian forced himself to smile back at her. "No, of course," he agreed. "Silly question."
His smile clearly hadn't been convincing: Kira's own smile had faded as she looked at him more closely, her eyebrows creasing into a frown.
"Have I done something to make you think I'm not?" she asked sharply. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"No-- no, nothing like that," Julian said hurriedly. "I mean, obviously Odo's gone now, and Keiko and the Chief, and Worf, and... and the Captain... But that-- That's different, isn't it, I guess. You can be sad and happy at the same time, right?"
He cringed, knowing that he hadn't quite managed to make sense there: years of practice had made him very good at recognising Kira's 'baffled' expression.
"All these years," said Kira, slowly shaking here head, "and I still don't understand you, sometimes. Of course I miss Odo, and the others -- and while we're at it, of course I'm still angry and-- and upset about the things that happened during the war..." She made a face, banging her fist lightly against the table. "Damn you, you know I'm no good with feelings, that's... there's a lot more there, besides," she added. "And I'm sure as hell not going into that right now...
"But if you're asking whether I'd rather be here, now, living without the threat of the Dominion or the Cardassians, knowing my friends are alive and safe -- and if they're not, at least being able to mourn them in peace, not having to make decisions that could get us all killed if it goes even slightly wrong... or if I'd rather be back there, in the war -- well. It's no contest, is it?"
"In theory, no, of course--"
"In theory?" Kira asked incredulously. "Julian, are you saying you were happier in the war?"
"No!" he exclaimed: that hadn't been what he'd meant at all. "The war was-- it was... Well, you couldn't be happy during the war, could you? Everything was too awful, it was impossible."
"A lot of the time, yeah," Kira said softly. "And that's gonna stick with us for a long time -- but they're only memories, now. We made it."
"We did," Julian said quietly, his eyes fixed on the table. "I just... I thought I'd be happier, I guess. Now that it's all over."
Kira reached forward, brushing her hand over his. "That's what this is all about?" she asked. "You aren't happy?"
"I never said I'm not," Julian objected hotly, looking back up at her -- but a sigh slipped out of him as he realised he didn't actually have an argument, and he shook his head, slumping back into his chair. Kira watched him, not saying anything.
"No, you're right," he admitted, pulling his arms across himself, almost too tight. "I know I'm supposed to be-- I know, after everything, it's so stupid... But, Nerys, I don't-- I don't think I am?"
Stopping to swallow the lump that had risen in his throat, he noticed he eyes had grown wet, which for some reason made him chuckle. "Isn't that silly?" he asked, leaning forward again. "We won the war, but I'm still not happy."
"No, Julian," Kira replied slowly. "I don't think that's silly at all. It's just... It's just very, very sad." She took a breath, reaching out to hold both his hands this time. "I'm sorry," she continued. "I didn't know."
"It's not your fault," he said, squeezing her hands tightly. "For a while, I just thought everyone else was pretending, too, so I just went along with it... And then I started to realise that no, you were all actually at least a little bit okay, and so I had to keep pretending, because happiness is so fragile and I didn't, you know, want to make anyone else feel bad just because I..."
He trailed off, shrugging a little. "I don't know, Nerys. I guess I just wanted to check that it wasn't just me, but it is just me, and now I've told you, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad--"
"Julian, no," Kira interrupted. "Thank you for sharing this with me -- I'm glad you told me, okay?"
Ears growing hot, Julian ducked his head, not quite sure to do with the wave of emotion spilling over him. Now that he'd told her some of it, he kind of wanted to let everything out. Distractedly, he started tracing patterns on her hands, pushing into them with increasing intensity.
"It's just-- I'm just..." He stumbled over his words, struggling to give voice to the one thought that he'd been trying to ignore for months. "What if this is it for me? What if I'm like this forever? It's been years, Nerys--"
To his horror, his voice cracked, and he covered his mouth, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to burst out. Hoping that no-one else had noticed, he looked around the replimat; thankfully the other diners seemed more interested in their own conversations than in him and Kira.
"Would you like to go somewhere less public?" Kira asked. Not quite trusting himself to speak, he nodded, and together they left the replimat.
As they walked down the promenade and up to the habitat ring, Kira steered clear of their previous conversation, chatting about the station, her week, her latest grievance with Quark, and Julian was grateful for the respite. But as soon as they were sat down in her quarters, she turned to him with a most serious expression.
"It isn't right, you feeling like that, you know," she said. "I don't have the answers, I don't know how it gets better -- but we both know someone who would. You haven't tried telling Ezri any of this, have you?"
Julian's stomach tightened: Ezri was the last person he wanted to have this particular conversation with. "Oh, yes, because that would go so well," he retorted sarcastically. "Hi Ezri, I love you, but you don't make me happy. Don't worry, it's not you, I'm just unhappy most of the time. Most of the time? Yeah, it gets better when I'm around you, because then I just kind of feel... nothing. What an improvement!"
"Julian..." whispered Kira, but it was all coming out now and Julian couldn't make it stop. He rose from the sofa, starting to pace as he spoke.
"Did you ever make me happy? Maybe, sweetheart, but I'm not even certain of that. I might have been so desperate for anything even resembling happiness that I just deluded myself into thinking I was in love... Do I even love you? Who the fuck knows, Ezri. Is love even real, or did it die in the war along with every-fucking-thing else?"
His voice had risen louder than he'd intended, condemning him with every word it pushed forcefully into the air. He'd made Kira cry, he thought, but he couldn't quite be sure, his vision being clouded by his own mess of tears.
"How could I possibly tell her that?" he asked, sitting back down heavily, his voice dropping to a hollow whisper. "Kira, how the hell do I tell her that?"
"Come here," she said in way of a response, pulling him against her and holding him tightly, so that he could feel her lips move against his hair as she answered him. "I don't know," she was saying, "but you have to, Julian. I can be there with you if you want but, Prophets, Julian, you have to. How could you not?"
How could he not?
Julian closed his eyes and let himself fall apart against his friend, not even bothering to try to answer her. It was terrifying, after all this time, to finally allow someone to see how broken he really was, but he was far, far too tired to keep it in any longer.
#Julian Bashir#Kira Nerys#Andi writes#DS9 fanfic#weirdly I feel like I've written something along these lines before?#but i can't actually remember doing so?#it might be because all my stuff ends up sounding like this lol i'm such a cliche :P#anyway as ever this wasn't planned it just happened#the past few days there have been like 4 things that have come up in my brain as a little whatsit to just do#i almost started a julian and sisko talk about jadzia during baseball one yesterday#but today i ended up starting to write a song#(i don't miss the war -- but i do miss you)#and then this happened because i can't share the song (yet) but i can share this#wsb
164 notes
·
View notes