#you are a little cis girl on the internet who thinks they understand how to have an adult conversation

[usercelestial]

i genuinely think i might kill myself

[aromantic-pantyanarchy]

It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.

I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.

I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.

I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)

I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.

[weareallsmallandstupid]

I think my TV might be glowing too

About a month ago I saw a movie called I Saw the TV Glow (directed by Jane Schoenbrun, spoilers ahead).

I tought it was an incredible movie. I saw some people on the internet say that it's one of those movies that either you get it, or you don't.

And that if you think that you get it, but you are cis, then you don't actually get it.

In my short life (I'm 23) I've always identified as a woman, and a lesbian. The conversation about my gender identity is something that I try to avoid inside my own brain, because I'm simply not ready to have it. But I avoid it consciosly, and I'm at peace with it for the time being. I rarely call myself a woman or a girl, but I'm okay with people perceiving me as one.

So when I first saw the movie I was like: I think it's a perfect movie, but I don't know if I get it at 100%, because it was not made for me. And I was totally okay with that.

After a couple of days, I kept thinking about this movie. All the time. It was like my brain knew there was something more for me, that I couldn't quite grasp the first time. So I rewatched it. And again. And again. And again.

It had become my Pink Opaque. My Tv kept glowing.

But I didn't understand why I was so obsessed with it, until I started reading a book called Unmasking Autism (written by Dr. Devon Price).

I recently discovered that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. I started therapy to understand what that means for me specifically, and then I started reading this book.

(In the book the author talks about how being in the closet and masking can be very similar experiences. You hide, consciously or unconsciously, your true self from others and sometimes from yourself too)

And then I finally unterstood why I felt so attached to this movie: it was actually talking about me, just not in the way I was expecting and ready to avoid.

Being neurodivergent and masking all your life to me feels exactly like somewhere there is a version of me that I can't quite reach. Once I discovered what masking is I started to understand that I am trapped in the midnight realm, that I am watching my life from a distance and that this isn't how life is supposed to feel.

I know that there is an unmasked version of me somewhere, but it's so deeply repressed, probably ashamed, lonely and scared that I don't know how to get to her. But everytime I try to live, to interact with people, they way I'm "supposed to" or the way I learnt how to, I see this little version of me trapped inside a snowball watching me from afar and asking herself "why is she behaving like that? I wouldn't do that. That's not me. That's not what I would say or think".

There are two versions of me and they are both sad all the time. And I have no idea of who I really am.

I just know that I really loved this movie, and this is the beauty of cinema: the same film can mean very different things to different people. And this one meant a lot to me.

And for both my process of unmasking and my future conversation about my gender identity I guess There is still time.

[velvetvexations]

gender is so silly. i dont want to look like a girl because im transmasc but i DO want to look like a guy who looks like a girl. always fun when reading/watching something and they get to a crossdressing bit with one of the men and i feel some sort of way about it

This is exactly what TRFs would be down your throat about fetishizing transmisogynistic caricatures but I'm telling you it's okay and I'm the only person worth listening to on any subject.

I want to look like a girl who looks like a guy myself, but that's difficult to find. A vocal minority of the internet insists it's praxis to misgender cis men as often as possible but it's still considered a devastating and disgusting insult to say a woman looks masculine. I think Rhea Ripley is cool enough she'd be understanding if not entirely flattered that most of the reason I relate to her so much is that I was convinced she must have been a trans woman on sight.

But even with actual trans women, then it's even worse, which sucks because I do a happy little clap when I clock another correctly. Awhile ago I saw someone listing out signs a girl is AMAB to be a transphobic asshole but all I could think was about how ecstatic I'd be for someone to tell me those things, I'd just straight up be like "thank you for noticing!" like someone asked if I had my hair done.

I think that's what it means to me to be a male woman. Most trans women would obviously prefer to pass, and there are butch trans women, but I don't know if many of them conceptualize their butchness as being a feature of the body that got them AMAB or if it's just the same sense of style as butch-identifying cis women. For me it's very much the former. I'm loud and proud that my body is the kind that was assigned male. I don't intend to imply that must mean trans women who want to pass, or who don't center that physicality, hate themselves or anything, it's just a different path.

When I was younger I wanted so badly to look less masculine. The fact that I couldn't is, I think, a large part of why I eventually flipped the script and went all in on being masc, but most trans women who can't physically transition are either going to kill themselves or continue being miserable forever, and that sucks so much.

Even now, when I say I've been getting cooler with body hair lately, that doesn't mean I'm proud of or enjoy the hair on my actual body, but am more into the idea of my sona's design potentially having body hair in the future. I'm completely disassociated with this body entirely, which pre-dates me embracing masculinity. At a certain point, not being able to look the way I wanted to (feminine, then hyper-androgynous) made me snap and just fully break off from the physical world. This is especially true of Rally, the cis woman in our system, because the others feel themselves in this body but simply don't have a mental image of it at all, but she feels entirely removed even when fronting.

And as I noted before, my two examples of people I want to look like, particularly in regards to being visibly AMAB, were a clocky cis woman and a guy who the internet calls a faggot a million times a day, so there's still femininity there, androgyny.

Presentation sure is a thing.

[meraki-yao]

Is this a safe place? I sort of want to get something off my chest, but I have to do it anon because I’m scared. I’m a straight girl and a huge rwrb fan, and thus also a big fan of TZP and Nick. Lately I’m feeling more and more alienated in most of the fandom and I’m afraid I’m the problem? It’s just all this talk about topping and bottoming and what that means for how the characters are perceived that I absolutely do not get? Is it empowering in some way I’m not getting, because if not the feminist in me is sort of appalled.

It’s more or less the idea that bottoming is a little humiliating in a way that needs to be made jokes about that is bothering me. Like the bottom is always a little pathetic or desperate (like how women have historically been portrayed), and we should snicker when the top (or anyone) publicly «calls them out» for bottoming? Obviously not everyone does this but I see it more and more? And when it was just in fics and art I kept my mouth shut because I think that should be a free space, but now I see it in how the actors are talked about too. Like Alex is the top so TZP is made out to be hypermasculine and Henry was the bottom so Nick is either babied or made fun of? It’s bad for both imo. Why can’t tzp be babygirl sometimes and the focus be on his soft sides? All I see is talk about his body and how everyone wants him to top them. And then there’s Nick and how people are saying they are uncomfortable watching him act as a top in M&G, saying he will always be a bottom and that he is a slut etc. If it was an actress or female characters getting that treatment I would riot. And I guess I am a bit now in my cowardly anon way. Am I alone in feeling frustrated about this? Is it bad that I am? Please help me understand if I’m in the wrong.

Thank you for reaching out to me. As long as you’re respectful and not hurtful, you’re welcome here.

Actually, I’ve kind of wanted to write an essay on gay sex and the perception of gender in same-sex couples for a while now! So this might sound kind of academic, bear with me.

Preface: I identify as a straight cis girl, but I’ve been consuming both western and Asian queer media, both fiction and real person for years. This is my understanding of the matter, and I’m trying to be as sensitive and empathetic as I can be, but please note at the end of the day, I am not directly part of the queer community, therefore there may be certain things I miss, or a queer person will tell you otherwise. Also literally all my knowledge of sex comes from the internet, because Chinese culture literally does not talk about this at all. I gave my sister the talk instead of our parents. So please take what I say with a pinch of salt.

Also gonna talk about sex in an academic manner, but it’s still sex, so here’s your nsfw warning!

Ok here we go:

The power dynamic in sex position is fundamentally biological: the penetrator controls the pace and intensity of the act, thus is the active participant; the penetrated is in turn the passive. This is just the mechanics of the act: The penetrated, be it the woman in a straight couple or the bottom in a gay couple is put in the more vulnerable position, therefore the top, as the active participant is perceive as having more power, while the bottom as the passive participant is perceived as having less power.

And there are historical records of this perception: in ancient Greece, there was a common romantic dynamic called pederasty, a romantic and sexual relationship between an older man (the erastes/ to love) who acts as the active, dominant participant, aka the top, and a younger boy/ a teenager (the eromenos/ beloved) who acts as the passive, submissive participant, aka the bottom. It is speculated that this is the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus. This practice was understood as educative, as a means for the older man to teach the younger “how to be more manly as to grow up into a man”. THAT BEING SAID BY TODAY’S STANDARDS THIS IS PEDOPHILA AND DEFINITELY NOT OKAY. On top of that, the perception of being gay in ancient Rome is “it’s okay if you’re gay, as long as you’re the top”. My point is this power imbalance when it comes to same-sex relationships has existed for a very, very long time.

But the thing is a lot of things have advanced in the past centuries, and the perception of sex and gender is one of them.

So firstly in terms of sex, people are much more flexible in terms of the power dynamics, which is where terms like “switch” (can be either top or bottom), “power bottom” (the penetrated controls the pace and intensity of the act) , “service top” (the penetrator focused on their partner’s needs and wishes instead of their own) and the whole BDSM category (which I’m personally not informed about or interested in). So I would say we’re mostly past the point of humiliating bottoms or perceiving bottoms as inherently weak, and use bottom more in terms of the mechanics.

That being said, the power being more balanced does not immediately take away the gender perception of the dynamic.

Since when comparing a gay couple’s sex act with a straight couple’s sex act, the woman has to be in a penetrated position as per biology and anatomy (at least traditionally speaking), the association drawn between the bottom and the woman becomes easy to make. In fact in China, all bottoms, regardless of gender/sexuality, are referred to with female terms, like “wife”, “princess”, “queen” etc. So bottoms tend to be feminized, or at least viewed as more effeminate. Again, this has changed and made more flexible/free in modern times, but this trend is still present.

But when it comes to applying the terms on the boys, something involved is also the audience’s own perception and understanding of gender representation. “Babygirl” is more referring to the “cute” kind of attractiveness than actually babying him, which with given material, tends to apply more to the perception and presentation of Nick than Taylor. That being said I have seen Taylor/Alex being referred to babygirl as well. It’s a little rare but it’s present. I wouldn’t really say Taylor’s hypermasculine either, but in relatively, his style and manners lean more towards the masculine side of the spectrum. But again it’s a matter of perception. Are the gendered terms used on the boys affected by the dynamic of their characters? To some degree, yes. But it’s also sometimes a genuine commentary on their own style as themselves.

As for Geroge, I personally haven’t seen those comments, but the problem with the comments lies in associating George with Nick as an individual and Henry as an individual: as in, they’re not treating George as George, they’re treating George as Nick, which might be why they have such comments. That being said, this is a piece of media, so each to their own.

I think the last thing I’m gonna say to end this is that please remember that this is all subjective perception. If you see something different, then that’s just what you see. Try seeing someone else’s perspective, and if you tried and it didn’t work, then let it be. You’re not in the wrong, it’s ok that you’re frustrated, but at least I don’t think the situation is as harmful as you might see it to be. These types of comments often are throwaway thoughts, so there���s also the question on how serious a comment is.

Hope this helped! Feel free to shoot me another ask if you still have questions.

[skypiea]

the only reason “egg joke” discourse exists is because those keeping it alive have a terrible case of “I am uncomfortable when we are not about me?” disease. This crowd will see a tweet where a trans woman makes a joke about her friend in her friendgroup with whom she is, presumably, friends, and feel compelled to put themselves into the scenario which they were never invited into. They say, well, if it was ME that she said that about, and also we aren’t friends, because I don’t know her, then I think it would be absolutely terrible and invalidating. Ok. Well, you aren’t her friend. You’ll likely never be her friend, because you are intent on putting every trans woman you see into a situation where she prematurely owes you an apology before she’s even met you.

If you see a tweet where a woman lightheartedly observes someone in public doing something that was an early step in her own transition, and making a cheeky little remark into the post celebrating being transgender, and your first instinct is to berate her and try to protect the (hypothetical) cis man she never even spoke to, you have an issue to reflect on inside yourself. Especially if you have no issue reblogging post after post about how all weird little girls who play in the mud at recess will become trans men when they grow up.

You can truly see how self obsessed this discourse is by the strawwomen these people invent for it. When there’s not a transgender woman directly in front of them to pin blame on, they’re forced to invent one. They posit, well, I’d be very uncomfortable if a trans woman said this to me about my gender! …Has a trans woman ever said that you? Other than the one you made up in your head to feel angry at?

And even if, by some stretch of the imagination, a transgender woman genuinely tried to dictate your gender identity… This is called a “bad experience”. When I was younger, and more dependent on labels than I’ve become, I met someone in an irl queer space. They insisted that I should identify as pansexual rather than bisexual because of my attraction to nonbinary individuals. Both at the time and in retrospect, this was an uncomfortable experience. But it is not something I hold against every pansexual person on the planet, because that would be, frankly, unhinged behavior. It was a singular bad experience with a single person who directly presumed to understand me better than I do.

Do not seek to punish every trans woman for the crime of celebrating transness by spewing slightly reskinned conservative scare points in their general direction. Not every post on the internet is about you.

[spidermanifested]

this is not my usual type of post but ive been rotating some thoughts and i guess my blogs as good a place as any to get them organized. okay so this is basically my take on the entire discourse surrounding the "feminine (presumed cis lets be honest) women are uniquely oppressed for being feminine/making female characters quote unquote Less Feminine is antifeminist" thing. which i keep seeing come up. on this internet of ours

context being im a trans guy. grew up largely seen by others as female, probably, sort of. was about as far from a cishet womans feminine as you can imagine. not in a cool tomboy way. not in a way that society had a box for. and thats the thing, is that when you fail at gender, whether youre conscious of it or not, theres this extremely profound loneliness that comes with it. part of it was the autism but i made like 6 real-life friends total from ages 4 to 18 and there were no examples of anyone with an even remotely adjacent experience i could find in the media or irl. anytime a female character skirted a little too close to actual masculinity in a tv show or movie shed get that makeover eventually. i was bullied by both boys and girls but the girls who bullied me were uniformly very feminine.

and so i see people talking about how hard feminine women and girls have it, how the world hates them for being beautiful, and on the one hand its like okay, Misogyny Exists. thats not really refutable thats just the reality of it. society hates women. and as for eurocentric femininity specifically i understand its a hard tightrope to walk!!! you have to put on all these masks BUT make them seem natural, youre forced into these narrow boxes of acceptable behavior and appearance and desires, and if you under- or over-shoot then people get reminded the whole thing is a farce and get mad (often violently!) at YOU for it

........but then my thing is, that on one side of the tightrope, the "overperforming eurocentric femininity" side, the tradwife or girlboss or blonde bimbo side, theres an entire history of structural trope-crafting to break your fall, right. like its a shitty box but its the box society WANTS you to be in. they look at you and go "yep thats a woman. we dont like those but that sure is one". there are known social niches to carve out. theres a script.

on the unfeminine side theres just. nothing. its stone cold concrete down there. and apparently twitter would have you believe its actually that the "more masculine" somebody presumed female appears the more society respects them but that to me is the wildest and most nonsense take on the planet because if people see you as a woman or girl who has not taken the needed steps to justify your place as one of those things you might as well be an alien, or even a monster. theres no script at all. and i feel like this is one of the major experiences that trans and gnc people of every gender share-- god knows trans women get the brunt of the vitriol-- and from my knowledge a lot of nonwhite people too, and also fat and disabled people, like. there are SO many things that affect your ability to achieve even a fraction of success at this aspirational femininity.

ive had to see people for real make the argument that princess peach making an angry face is masculine. i think the most masculine woman anyone on twitter can imagine right now is like a businesswoman in a form-fitting pantsuit and light mascara. maybe the struggle of succeeding at femininity under patriarchy deserves exploration, ive seen plenty of coherent and reasonable points, its not without worth as a discussion. but i do not trust the general public with the topic without immediately sliding into bog standard gender policing and transphobia, and so in closing, when the mainstream feminist take on the whole thing seems to be "the more you perform the femininity expected of you the worse you have it", i get the sensation that nobody told me it was opposite day and im about to feel real silly

[brainmaniaman]

I have been scouring this fucking app for Julian fics, never really occurred to I can just request some lol.

So yeah, if you're up for it I've got a little plot/trope set up that'd id love to see. Outsider(fem)reader/julian.

Something along the lines of a reader moving into the park from the southern us, new to Canada and parks in general. As an outsider, Julian expected you to be trouble or judgemental, so he acts like a dick to you at first. Later on, he starts to see instead how kind you are to everyone, understanding and totally up for doing ppl favors even when there's nothing for you in the end. This makes him feel real guilty for bein an ass to you, and also makes him start to feel other things towards u.. Take the fic in whatever direction you'd I wanna see u work ur magic

( + no pressure 2 write it ofc!!)

pairing: julian/fem!reader fandom: trailer park boys tags: smut (cis man/cis woman), fluff, a bit of angst, idk this is one of my more normal ones, heavy plot some porn (i kind of felt more plot focused with this one), julian is kind of hung (he gives me big dick energy)  author's note: i'm much more of a ricky kinda guy myself but when i got this request, i got really fucking excited. i loved the idea. i will say, this fic isn't structured traditionally. it's very dialogue heavy and kind of leaves some things up to the imagination. i wanted to establish relationships between the reader and other people in the park as well as share some of julian's private conversations about her. i'm really proud of the way this has turned out, though i'm sorry if it's not the interpretation you might have been hoping for (i'm a little insecure about the way i interpret storylines). i hope you like it, though. i worked hard on it and i'm pretty sure it's the longest julian/reader fic currently on the internet so i'm going to take that fucking win rn. also, i actually live in the southern united states. (fun fact: i'm looking to move because i'm a trans man and life here is kind of ass if you're trans), so i gave the reader a backstory that's kind of unique to what a woman in 1999-2000 would have gone through. i'm not satisfied with the ending though, i'm sorry if this fic is a little lackluster, but we can only go up from here i guess. text blocking this shit was a fucking BITCH. word count: 6,442

everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it.

The cultural climate of Sunnyvale Trailer Park wasn't exactly the most inviting. There were people who lived in the park and then there was everyone else. For the most part, newcomers never lasted more than a few weeks. The bottle kids drove away the weakest among them, but if those kids weren't effective usually Ricky's antics drove away the remaining lot. Sure, there were a few people here and there who moved in quietly, but those were usually the kind of people that minded their own business because lot rent was low enough for them to just ignore Lahey.

But in general, new people were not welcome. Especially know-it-all hipsters trying to live the simple life by casting away their possessions in an expensive storage unit and downsizing to a more humble trailer. Those were the kinds of guys that gave up quickly. Plus, new people threatened the balance of park politics. For the most part, Julian was well-liked and well-respected among the others due to his caring nature and dedication to his loved ones. He protected his own. And if there was one thing Julian didn't like, it was newcomers coming into the park without already knowing someone in it.

"Barb, I really think you should reconsider letting this girl in. I mean, you don't even know who she is." 

"Julian, this is a business, not a family estate. Her credit was just below decent, she has an okay-paying job, and paid three months of rent in advance. From a business perspective, she seems like she'll be a reliable tenant. It's a good thing you've grown close with your community, but you have to remember at the end of the day, this trailer park is here to make money. Whatever fit of paranoia you're suffering through, deal with it on your own time. Next time you come here with a complaint, make sure it's a business one." 

And just like that, Barb had shooed Julian off. What more could he say to that? Well, he had a lot more to say to that but she didn't want to listen. Every time he opened his mouth to speak, she only guided him further to the door. If Julian thought he was the one who ran this trailer park, he had another thing coming for him that's what. This dump needed more reliable tenants - normal folks who didn't like to get into trouble. Barb was trying to turn the park's image around.

"Julian, I just don't understand why you're so against this lady stayin' here. You know I'm no fan of newcomers myself, but she's been mindin' her own. She actually keeps her yard clean, which is pretty fuckin' nice if you ask me. It's nice to pass a yard that doesn't have a million fuckin' pieces of trash thrown all over the front. She even has one of those pink fuckin' yard flamingos in her yard. It's so bright and colorful. There ain't nothin' wrong with a little bit of color, Julian. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little bit of change." 

"Are you even listening to yourself talk Bubbles? Can you hear what you're saying? You're saying change for this park is good. Who knows what she believes in. She might hate dope growers, she may be workin' with Lahey, she could get nosy and bust us for dope and you know Ricky and I are growin' a lot of dope -" 

"- I know, I've seen that big fuckin' setup you got in that fuckin' trailer in that shitty little lot -" 

"- so then Bubbles you should know that new people aren't good. We can't trust new people, especially not now. Especially not when we're so close to selling them to those prison guards and retiring. A stranger could compromise the whole thing. Remember those bible scammers that came through here? I've learned my lesson since then and I'm not tryna repeat old mistakes." 

"Jesus Murphy Julian, you need to calm down. Those fuckin' assholes were obviously scammers, it's not like this lady is goin' door to door scammin' people." 

"Sure maybe she's not taking advanced orders on bibles Bubbles, but she is goin' in and out of everyone's house doin' favors for them. Why does she need to see the inside of everyone's house? Do you think she's lookin' for something?" 

"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she's just a nice person doin' a nice thing? Nice people exist. You've been dealin' with dope and crime and jail so much that it's like you forgot how to trust someone. All you think about is dope and how you're going to protect it from everyone else." 

"You're only defendin' her because she brings you boxes of canned cat foods for your cats. She's buyin' you off and you don't even know it." 

"So what if she's helpin' me take care of my kitties? My kitties are the most important things to me and unlike you, she fuckin' knows that. If someone's offering to help take care of my precious little kitties, who the fuck am I to say no?" 

"Bubbles, look -" 

"No, no, nevermind." Bubbles tucks a gray cat further into his arms, his posture becoming more rigid. It's clear that he's done with the conversation, no longer interested in trying to hammer commonsense into Julian's brain. He couldn't see past his own paranoia and it was infuriating. In Julian's mind, everyone in the world was out to get him - even the nice lady across the street who helped his friend support his kitties. "You just don't get it, Julian. I'm goin' back home, come talk to me when you get it." 

Julian was still convinced he was right about this girl. If the bottle kids didn't run you out, he'd just take matters into his own hands. He didn't care whether or not Bubbles helped. Julian was a man of many connections, and even if he couldn't find someone else to get the job done he had no qualms with taking care of the situation himself.

"I mean, if you think that lady's dangerous then you know I'm gonna follow you Julian 'cause you got the brains and stuff behind the projector, but I just gotta let you know I'm still workin' on my grade ten so whatever idea you have you got to make sure it's not illegal 'cause I can't go back to jail, not right before Trinity's birthday. That means we can't do any property damage or breaking and entering or any shit like that." 

"I promise you Ricky we're not gonna go back to jail, we're just gonna annoy the shit out of her until she leaves. I was thinkin' maybe you and Cory and Trevor could host like a really loud party across the street tomorrow night, you know - something to keep her awake. If we get a noise complaint, we'll just shut it down, but then once the cops leave we'll start it back up again. We'll do this for a few nights until she finally decides to move out." 

"That's a pretty fucking good idea, that's smart. Plus, since it's a party we can get drunk and high."

It's 2 a.m. and that fucking party is still going. There were several times you considered calling in a noise complaint but you decided that it was a better idea to just wait it out. It had to end at some point and overall, it was never a good idea to get involved with parties like that because sometimes they got out of a hand, and you were too smart to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Though when you stepped outside to 'check your mailbox' - spy on the party still going on into the early hours of the morning - you find yourself tripping over something. You stumble onto your hands and knees and it's only when you pull yourself up do you really get a good look at the man passed out by your mailbox. It's Ricky, and he's mumbling things almost incoherently. He mutters something about dope, bitches, Trinity, more bitches, Lucy, and good booze. It's a pathetic way to be, but you can't help but feel bad for you.

You use the toe of your shoe to rock his face awake. Ricky sputters before waking up in a drunk panic. He's angry and yelling incoherently, but your promise of a hot shower and a hot sandwich satiates his anger. He struggles his way through a shower, though almost slips a few times. He eats hand to mouth, chewing loudly, and drunk conversation ensues. He shares a lot with you - stuff he probably wouldn't have shared sober. He eventually passes out, not remembering much in the morning. That morning you share breakfast and a little bit about each other. He tried to hate you, he really did, but you were charismatic in a friendly way. There weren't any ulterior motives, you just enjoyed conversation.

"I don't know Julian, she seems fine to me. I mean, she's not all that bad. Her yard is pretty clean and you know, she has that pink little flamingo in her yard and honestly it's pretty fuckin' cute. I mean yeah she's kinda annoying and I hate that fuckin' southern fuckin' cowboy accent she fucking has but whatever. I think you're gettin' worked up over nothin'. You've been so busy tryna push out this lady who hasn't done nothin' wrong to you while I'm over here slavin' away watchin' after these fuckin' dope plants and tryin' to study for my grade ten all while play peepin' tom spy guy on some poor fuckin' lady." 

"You're just saying that 'cause she let you spend the night and made you breakfast."

"You know what I sure as fuck I am! She made me breakfast and kept me from sleepin' on the fuckin' ground drunk as piss and let me use her shower and shit and I didn't even have to put out! It's not like I trust her or anything like that - I didn't talk about dope or nothin' like that at all." That was the truth. "It's just at this point anything is better than fucking Cory and Trevor. I'm not sayin' you gotta like her or trust her, but she's not all that bad Julian. Maybe if you actually got to fuckin' know her like I have you'd see that you're just being a paranoid dickbag." 

"You know what Ricky, you don't anything about her. You're just seeing what she wants you to see. But I'm smart, so I see right through it -" 

"Come on Julian don't be like that -" 

"- and since nobody is going to take care of this fucking situation then I guess I'll have to." 

Julian felt like everyone around him was failing him. Nobody else seemed to feel the same way he did about your existence in the trailer park. As each day passed, Julian grew more overtly snide. When approaching Ricky and Bubbles, Julian never took the time to acknowledge you. It was obvious that he was just being an ass, so you opted to ignore it, preferring not to fight. Silence was Julian's strongest weapon. But as the days ticked by, the tension between you and Julian only seemed to mount itself higher.

It's not like you inherently disliked Julian. In fact, you liked to believe that there was good in everyone and you prided yourself in your ability to be able to pull even the toughest people out of their shell. However, Julian was no easy project. Every time you tried to approach him, he simply brushed you off. You weren't even sure that the two of you had even exchanged any greetings. He hadn't even said hello. So when trying to talk to him didn't work, you simply tried to stay out of his way. This was frustrating for Julian because what he wanted you to do was to blow up and make it a big ordeal. But you didn't. You simply kept to yourself and resumed helping others around the park without complaints. 

There were times where Julian thought about approaching you in the way Julian thinks about approaching any pretty thing in a summer dress that talks to him. But he remains strong in the face of adversity. Gone were the days of chasing anything in a dress. He had a dope business to worry about.

But sometimes the thought would creep up onto Julian ever so slowly. Sometimes, he'd get this kind of fantasy in his head - especially on the Sunday afternoons you'd spend gently pushing yourself back and forth in your rocking chair, enjoying the summer sunlight. He could think of a million ways you two could enjoy the afternoon together, but he often pushed the thought out of his head. He had a park to protect. Friends to protect.

"You know, you have some real nerve comin' up here in this trailer park and putting on a show like you're doing." 

You look up from the rocking chair you were gently pushing yourself back and forth in and offer Julian a small smile.

"So you're Julian?"

Julian can't help but be a bit enamored with your slight southern drawl. It sounds like you're somewhere from the deep southern United States - one of those more rural provinces like Texas or Alabama. He can't quite pinpoint the accent, but he secretly finds it endearing.

"And how do you know that?" 

"I mean, with how much you do for the people here it's kind of hard not to know who you are. Plus, Ricky and Lucy both never seem to shut up about you. You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say they're both in love with you or something. Also, yesterday you came to pick up Ricky and he pointed right at you and said well, there's Julian, see ya later. I just put two and two together." 

"I'm not here to make small talk, (name)." 

"Then what are you here to do, Julian?" 

There's silence. What is he here to do. There wasn't anything that he could reasonably do and he wasn't the terrorizing type if he didn't have to be. Fuck, he had even promised that his greasy trouble-causing days were over. But here he was, standing at the edge of the patio stairs, contemplating whether or not he should threaten a woman.

"I'm just here to ask you about your intentions with Ricky, that's all." 

You can't help but laugh out loud at the comment. "Oh, please. There's nothing going on between us." 

Julian knows that because if there was something going on between you and Ricky, Ricky wouldn't shut up about it and the whole park would know. But he's trying to be covert about his intent to interrogate you.

"Yeah, well . . . there better not be . . . Ricky's a good guy and I'd really hate to see him get hurt . . ." 

"Why are you really here, Julian?" 

Julian stands in silence, thoughtfully cradling his glass in his hand as he tries to come up with a clever lie - but it's hard to think when he catches a glimpse of your thighs pressed together underneath your thin summer dress. He squints and then looks away briefly.

"I just wanted to stop by and tell you more about the culture of Sunnyvale. You know, we're really tight-knit. Like family."

"I know." 

"And you know, family protects family." 

"I know." 

"And you know, I'd do anything for my family." 

"I know." 

"Anything." 

"What are you getting at?" 

"I'm not getting at anything, (name). I'm just givin' you a little more info about our park, just trying to get acquainted with you." 

"Oh, you're trying to get acquainted with me? This is the first time I've spoken to you in the month I've been living here." 

"Well, you know, I was busy with the business I'm running -" 

"- that lawn mowing business you and Ricky got?" 

Is that what Ricky is calling it? "Yeah, we've had a lot of customers so I've been having to do a lot of bookwork to keep up with the business you know. But it's been busy, so I haven't had time to talk, but now I do and I want to get to know you." 

"You want to get to know me?" 

"That's what I just said isn't it?" 

"Well I'll tell you what Julian," You push the chair backwards in thought, looking up at the bright summer sky. The sun shines in your face, warming your skin. It's a nice feeling. "If you really want to get to know me, you'll come over for dinner tonight." 

Julian wasn't going to admit it but he was excited at the prospect of dinner. The last time he shared time - much less a meal - with a woman, she ended up stealing his dope plants and lying to him about being in love. In all fairness, most people would have been wary of someone saying I love you within the first week of getting to know them, but Julian (for the most part) was a hopeless romantic. He liked the idea of a life with someone else. 

Julian told himself that this was strictly business - that he was here to set the record straight. This wasn't get-to-know-you dinner, this wasn't a date. He was just here to let you know that he wasn't going to tolerate funny business. He just happened to be wearing his nicest clean black shirt and he just happened to be wearing one of his nicer pair of jeans - the ones that didn't have the holes in them. Julian knocks on your door. The two minutes he waits for you to answer feels like an eternity but when you open the door, he's glad he's waited. 

"You got a hot date you're going to after this?" 

"What, this?" You look down at the pink summer dress you're wearing, "This is casual." You had always been the more feminine type, enjoying softer clothes and pretty dresses. Plus, unlike jeans dresses were more comfortable. You usher him inside and he obliges, being careful to not spill his drink when he steps in. 

"Dinner is served." Dinner being a massive fucking bowl of macaroni and cheese with cheap ass hot dogs. "Sorry it's not exactly the best, but -"

"It's fine, don't worry about it." Julian sets his glass down. He's actually ecstatic. Macaroni and cheese and fucking hotdogs? "You know, I don't know where you're from but around here this is a five-star meal." 

You give a dry laugh. as Julian picks up his fork to eat. "You'll have to forgive me, I'm kind of new to the whole trailer park life and the whole being poor thing." 

"Oh yeah? Where are you from?" 

"Southern United States." 

"What state?" 

"Texas." 

"That's a long way from here, basically on the other side of the continent. Why'd you come up this way?" Julian tells himself that he's not trying to get to know you because he's interested in you - he's trying to get to know you to get dirt on you, to know what he's up against. 

"I needed an abortion." You answer dryly, "And even though it's been legal for some years now, no physician was wiling to perform one on me." 

"Why come to Nova Scotia? Why not just go to another state?" 

"Well, I figured things were just better here than they were there. Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect by any means but it's better than where I was from. At least here I know if I need the service again, it's a little more reliably accessible. Plus, it's not like I had anywhere or anyone I could turn to. So I just kind of . . . stayed." 

"Heavy stuff." Julian sets down his fork, "Didn't have any family to turn to?" 

"No, and even if I did they're not the kind of people I'd want to be around." 

Julian could relate to that.

"So you just came to Canada for an abortion and then decided to stay? You know, when Americans come to Canada they want to go to Quebec. Nova Scotia isn't exactly on the top of the list, let alone Dartmouth. Let alone fucking Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Nobody just moves in here. Come on, (name) . . . what's the real reason why you're staying here?" 

Your mouth runs dry as you consider answering him honestly. "Well, uh . . . you know . . ." You twiddle your thumbs a bit, "I came to Canada with my passport and got my abortion and then . . . I just uh . . ." There's a long pause as your appetite disappears completely. "I didn't have anywhere to go to so I just . . . never left . . . this place was the only place that'd rent to an illegal resident . . ." 

"Holy fuck you don't have your papers?" Julian wasn't sure what kind of story he was expecting but it wasn't that. Now he feels like an asshole. "How did you get a job? How did you even afford this place?" 

"Well, I had some savings so that was a good cushion, but when that ran out I was able to find a job working as a waitress at that little restaurant just out of town. I'm not technically on the payroll, they just don't make me report my tips, and any extra money is kind of . . . earned under the table." You respond sheepishly.

God, Julian feels like such a fucking jackass for being a raging asshole to you. 

"That's . . . hard." Julian doesn't really know what else to say.

"Yeah." 

"Well, I've shared my deepest darkest secret with you. Do you want to share anything with me?" 

You and Julian talk well into the early hours of the morning, swapping life stories, funny anecdotes, and talking about all of the small things in between. Honestly, he feels at ease with you in a way he hasn't felt at ease before. The conversation flows naturally and even the silence you occasionally fall into feels comfortable. It's nearly two in the morning when you both look at the small clock hanging on your wall and realize the time.

". . . well, it's a little late . . ." You stretch in your chair, still sitting across the table from Julian. You don't really want him to go, but you've both run out of things to talk about and you still have some errands you have to run before work tomorrow. "You know, I have some things I gotta do tomorrow . . . but if you're feeling nice, maybe you can pay me back for dinner by making some for me. I'm usually too tired to cook when I get home . . . you know, only if you want to." 

It's hard for Julian to say no to that face.

"What time do you get off work?"

. . .

Julian continues to insist that he doesn't feel some kind of way, that he's just taking the opportunity to really get to know you - you know, in case you ever pose a threat - but the nightly dinner-dates seem to differ. 

"Why is it so hard to admit that you have a hard-on for (name)? It's so fucking obvious." 

"It's not like that Ricky. You know, I have somewhere to be so why don't you just fuck off and give me some fucking space?" 

"Oh yeah I know exactly where you want to be, all up in -" 

The truth of the matter was that even though Julian fantasized about it at night, truly nothing had happened. You were sweet, kind, intelligent, patient, compassionate - a truly wonderful person. And that was the problem. Normally, Julian found himself happy to jump into a relationship, but he found himself afraid of making a fool of himself. Guys like him didn't get with girls like you. Simple as that. Besides, love just wasn't in the cards for Julian. It just never worked out like that.

Tonight was yet another night of disappointment. You had lingered on Julian's doorstep after dinner, hoping that maybe he'd make a move and at least give you a kiss goodnight - but the two of you simply stood there awkwardly until he nodded, saying he was probably going to go off to bed now. It was frustrating because you thought you were sending all of the right signals. Light touches, flirtatious giggles, risque comments - the works. But yet again, you find yourself leaving empty-handed. It wasn't that you weren't satisfied with the friendship, you really liked the dynamic the two of you had. You liked that Julian showed you ways to save money, ways to spruce up the trailer home so it felt more roomy, showed you around town a bit - but it left you feeling a bit stupid because you could have sworn the two of you had something more. You could just feel it. But he never addressed it and it drove you crazy. 

You knock on the door nervously, your hands shaking.

Julian answers the door again. "What's going on?" 

"I don't want to go home just yet. This is about the time J-Roc films his adult films. Can I just sit here for thirty more minutes? He usually finishes up around one in the morning or so." 

"Uh, yeah, sure, come on in. You can hang out here. I have to shower because, you know, I got somewhere to be in the morning -" Tomorrow was the day he was supposed to drop off the product with the prison guards, "- normally I'd wait up but I got some important stuff I gotta take care of tomorrow. I'm about to get ready for bed, so you can just leave whenever you're ready."

"Alright." 

You find yourself sitting awkwardly on the couch as Julian disappears into the bathroom. The trailer shakes a bit when he turns on the water and you can hear the pipes rush before the water falls like rain into the tub. You sit in silence and contemplate. You couldn't keep going back and forth like this, it'd get nowhere. He had hinted a few times at maybe having feelings. Sometimes his hand would linger on the small of your back too long when he was moving past you, or he'd stand too close to you - so close your shoulders would touch - whenever he got the chance. But nothing would ever come of it, and you were tired of it. You think about maybe joining him in the shower but that's too ballsy of a move, so you simply sit there and listen to the shower run until it's turned off. There's more shuffling and you can hear him go into his room. The hallway light turns off and the door clicks close. You should probably get going by now, but you can't bring yourself to just leave.

. . .

You feel like a psychopath drifting down the hallway. You only came down here to use the bathroom, but now you were standing at his bedroom door - contemplating whether or not you should knock on the door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Ricky, is that you? I told you to stop picking my fucking lock -" 

"No," You answer meekly, "It's me. I uh, wanted to take that book back I lent you before I went home. I didn't see it in your living room so I figured you might be keeping it in here." 

Julian stares up at the ceiling in thought. Julian is pretty book-smart and it doesn't take a genius to know the game you're running. He's been down this road a thousand times. He wants to say yes, but there's still the lingering fear of ruining the good friendship that's already there.

Julian turns his head to look at his nightstand, the small paperback book sat there. Shit, maybe you weren't playing any games.

"Yeah, give me a moment, I'll come bring it to you." 

"You don't have to go through that trouble, I'll just come get it real quick . . . if that's alright with you." 

". . . that's alright with me." 

You gently push the door open, slipping through before gently closing the door behind you. You can only see the outline of Julian's body in the dark, a few shadows illuminated by the moonlight that drifts in through the blinds. 

"It's right over here." You see the shadow of Julian's hand reach over and grab the thick book. Infinite Jest.

"I'll come get it." You pull yourself up onto the bed, you're knees on either side of his feet. Gently, you shimmy your way up, crawling over him on your hands and knees. Julian shifts a bit. Both of your breaths are heavy and as you sit yourself comfortably on his waist, you watch his chest rise and fall with heavy breaths. Gently, you pluck the book from his hand. "Thank you." 

"You're welcome." Julian's voice is barely over a whisper.

You thumb through the thick book, landing on a page barely illuminated by the moonlight, reading the page you've thumbed to. "Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it." Truer words have never been spoken. Like everything in life, Julian has sunk his fingernails so deep into it he's drawn blood. He likes to pretend he can let things go, but he can't. 

Julian's hands gently grip at your hips, squeezing them softly - almost like he's afraid that if he squeezes too tight he'll hurt you. His fingers grip at your waist, gently pushing your hips backwards, guiding them in a gentle rocking motion against him. Your hips follow the movement of his hands, rocking against him with a pleased hum.

"Is that right?" Julian asks in a whisper.

"That's right." You respond gently.

"Me included?" He can't hope that you want him so bad that you'd sink your nails so deep into him that he'd never be able to leave you, even if he wanted to. And even if you wanted to leave him, he'd probably stay around and beg for you to take him back anyway.

"If you'll let me." 

If he wasn't rock hard before he's rock fucking hard now. "I want you." Julian's voice is hoarse, completely contradicting his typically firm and masculine present. He melts under you. Whether he wanted to believe it or not, Julian was a romantic and the touch of a woman he really valued meant a lot to him. His breath is labored as he guides your hips against him, "Please, I want you." 

If this were someone else in the park, it'd be a different story. Sleeping around with people in the park for Julian wasn't about emotions, it was about releasing a physical need, and when you can't keep a boyfriend sometimes you have to turn to your neighbors for some help. Everyone slept with everyone. But you're not them, this isn't just casual for Julian - he doesn't want to fuck it up. He shudders when your fingertips drag across his chest, tracing patterns and circles into his shirt as you rock against him, grinding your hips downwards to create more friction. You're a tease, you take your time, and he hates it but he loves it. Two large hands reach up to cup your breasts over your shirt gently, His hands trail downwards, over your abdomen, grabbing gently at your stomach for a short moment before finding themselves at the hem of your shirt. 

"What are you waiting for?" You ask him between small breaths, still making rhytmic riding motions. It's a softly-asked question but also a plea for action. "Please, Julian. I've wanted this since the moment I saw you." 

"God, fuck you're so fucking hot." It's like a flip switched in his head and he can't hold himself back anymore. Strong hands placed firmly on your hips flip you onto your back. Now he's on top of you, every part of him everywhere. His lips touch yours in a kiss, teeth pull at the skin of your neck, and tongue sooths the freshly bruised areas by rubbing itself on it in small circles. Like always, he can't help himself, and unlike recently, he stops wasting time.

Your shirt is the first thing to come off - Julian helps shimmy it off of you, throwing it to the side. The next thing to come off is your pajama pants, which he also tosses to the side after helping shimmy it off of you. He has half a mind to compliment the pretty color of your underwear and tell you it looks good on you, but he doesn't pay it any mind since it's about to come off anyways. His hands lift you up by the small of your back just long enough for him to unclasp your bra, letting you fall back down onto the bed. His hands hook underneath your knees, lifting them up and pushing your legs up so he can help slide your underwear easily off of your body. You're left naked under him while he remains fully clothed, lowering himself onto you before you can complain that he hasn't undressed yet.

His thumbs roll against your nipples, gently pinching and pulling at them before taking them into his mouth. Julian has never been the most gentle lover, especially when he gets excited, always eager to take matters into his own hands - but that's part of his appeal.

Kisses trail down your stomach, followed by him dragging his tongue along the skin, pushing your legs apart. He takes his time adorning your inner thighs with kisses, sucking on the skin and taking it between his teeth. He likes the way he makes you whimper and moan, it's intoxicating. But eventually the teasing becomes too much even for him, he's growing impatient, so he lends his tongue to you, circling it around your clit, strong nose pressed into sensitive skin.

Your body writhes as you feel a familiar pressure build in your abdomen, thighs tightening around his head so tight he thought he might suffocate. What a way to go that would be. Your fingers curl into his short hair, gripping and pulling at his hair while your toes curl. You whimper but that only encourages him to slowly push his thick index finger into you, followed by a second after you properly adjusted. His mouth and fingers work in tandem, his fingers curling and pressing inside of you in a come hither motion while his tongue continues to stroke your clit.

"Fuck, Julian, god, fuck -" But before you can climax, he's gone - pulling away. If Julian enjoys anything, it's edging. There's just something about bringing a woman to climax and leaving them nearly in tears that turns him on. 

"You look disappointed." Julian catches a glimpse of your lopsided frown illuminated in the moonlight, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it." His shirt is pulled over his head, exposing his bare chest. When you touch the muscle, it's firm from years of consistent working-out. You trace a tattoos that look like they were done with a sewing needle and ink - probably stick and poke tattoos - but Julian frowns. He doesn't like those tattoos, he's not proud of them and he's not proud of his time spent in jail. But you only offer him an encouraging smile and place your palm over the tattoo before dragging your hand down to his belt, pulling at the buckle. Julian offers you a half-hearted smile. "Can't wait?"

Julian pushes your hand out of the way gently, taking his time to unfasten his belt and slowly pulling it through the loops. The belt is tossed to the side, along with his pants and underwear, leaving you both equals. Two hands hook themselves underneath your knees, placing your ankles on his shoulders while he uses his right hand to stroke his cock a bit, helping to harden himself up more. Sometimes the nerves just get to you.

"Holy fuck Julian you're big, you gotta be careful with that thing you're carrying a whole fucking concealed weapon -" 

Julian chuckles a bit at the comment but presses a gentle kiss to your ankles. "I'll be careful with you if that's what you're trying to say." 

The tip is pushed in slowly with great discomfort, pushing himself in. There's a stiff moment of silence as you let out a labored breath. 

"You good?" he asks.

You nod, dragging your teeth over your bottom lip. Julian takes his thumb against your bottom lip, peeling it out from underneath your teeth. His thumb drags your bottom lip down, exposing the inside of it before pushing his thumb into your mouth. Your lips wrap around his thumb, letting your tongue slide against the skin, sucking on the appendage as he pulls out just a bit, repositioning himself before he thrusts back in. Your body pushes upwards with the motion, head pressing against the headboard slightly. His thumb is still pressed in your mouth while his free hand keeps hooked underneath your knee, pushing it backwards so he can angle himself better - each thrust pushing itself deeper inside of you. Sweat coats his chest and runs down the side of his face, abdomen flexing the closer he gets to coming, but he restrains himself - wanting to ride it out for as long as he could. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." 

"Oh, God, Julian -" 

"Fuck, (name)." 

"Julian -" 

"(Name), (Name), (Name)." 

"I heard you did a real good job of running that girl out of the trailer park last night, Julian." 

"Hey, Barbara, why don't you fuck off?" 

[jellybeanium124]

once upon a time I was a skinny white child who liked drawing. consequently, I drew a lot of self portraits and a lot of doodles of characters who looked like me: other skinny white children. I have so, so many OCs from my youth I used to draw comics about, and all of them are skinny white children. then I got a little bit older, and became a skinny white teenager. I had boobs now, though, so I had to learn how to draw boobs if I wanted to keep drawing accurate self-portraits. so I learned how to draw skinny white teenage cis girls. then in late high school thru my first year of uni, I put on a bit of weight and went from being properly skinny to more medium sized, so if I wanted to keep drawing accurate self portraits I had to learn how to draw people who were medium sized. so I did.

and at this point I was an adult, and became more aware of my failings as an artist. I realized I was so used to drawing cis women that I didn't know how to draw an adult with a more traditionally masculine body. I didn't like that I only knew how to draw one kind of nose. so I challenged myself. I learned how to draw men. I learned how to draw different kinds of noses. I learned how to draw fat people and muscular people. I looked up reference images and challenged myself to learn how to draw different Black hairstyles. I watched our flag, and realized I only knew how to draw young people, so I learned how to draw middle aged and old people.

I'm not perfect, and I'm still learning and growing as an artist. as all of these things were happening, I was also trying to learn proportions, how to draw people at different angles and in different positions, or even how to add necks that look right and hands with fingers. anyone who's seen my art knows that it's cute and nice, but not professional level or something anyone would pay for. I'm not trying to make money, I'm trying to become a better for the sake of my own growth as an artist.

I'm not mad at myself or wracked with guilt for spending my entire childhood drawing skinny white kids. kids are naturally self-centered, and I also happened to look exactly like what society deems a "normal" girl. of course I was going to draw people who look like me. that's normal. it's also normal, to say, be 11 or 12 and beg your parent for the "how to draw anime" book and learn how to draw anime characters from it. that book will also only teach you how to draw skinny young people.

but we don't stay kids forever. we grow up, and as an adult artist, it is your responsibility to learn how to draw diverse people along every axis. challenge yourself. it's ok if it's a challenge at first, or if the drawings turn out bad. you don't have to post every drawing you make to the internet. but keep practicing!! the same way you eventually learned how to draw hands and feet, you will eventually learn how to draw diverse faces, bodies, hairstyles, ages, etc.

i's fun and easy to draw things you're comfortable and familiar with, but it's also fun to draw new things. when I draw something new and challenging, it lights up a different part of my brain that's excited to learn. humans naturally want to learn our entire lives. that's how we're built. I just don't understand how so many adult artists whose technical skills are leagues above mine can be happy with themselves knowing they can only draw twinks. don't you want to be able to do more? don't you want to be able to draw anybody? even if you're a very stylized artist like myself, don't you want to be able to capture people in your own style in a way that makes viewers think you captured how that person looks accurately? don't you want to learn and grow???

2019:

2020:

2021:

2022:

2023:

2024:

[gaz-light]

CW: Me but ugly

Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.

This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.

It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.

This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.

There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.

And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.

Then I shaved.

I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.

Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".

And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.

Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.

Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.

[skulltopcomputer]

I Have So Much To Say About Transmasc Jake English

Disclaimer: This is my opinion- I definitely don’t think you have to interpret Jake this way, both gender and character-wise. Also, this is just for fun (I swear). Although I am interested in working in the confines of canon for as much as possible, I'm not trying to "prove" Jake is transmasc, I'm sure Hussie wrote him as a cis man. Content warnings under read more.

Content warning for discussions of transphobia and misogyny (if I need to add anything else let me know).

Just for context, I believe Jake realized he was a boy very early in his childhood. Thematically, it would be most appropriate shortly after Grandma English dies, so basically, as long as he's been old enough to understand the concept of "gender", he has known he is a boy. (I have a lot of ways that I think transmasc Jake would interact with the text of Homestuck, but that's all you really need to know for this post).

Also I’m going to talk about “the narrative” a lot here, which I'm mostly using to mean the perceived author of Homestuck, that is, the person who writes the narration, controls who to focus on and how the plot plays out, etc. I say "the narrative" instead of "Hussie" because 1. Hussie is a literal character within the comic and I'm not referring to them there and 2. I don't think they intended everything I'm going to say "the narrative" pushes here, even if their vitriol towards Jake was very much deliberate. It's important to have a term for this as Hussie's background as the specific type of Internet Poster they were greatly impacts how Homestuck is written- in Jake's case, how the reader is made to perceive his character.

OK onto the actual analysis.

(One of) the whole point(s) of Jake is that he conceptualizes himself in certain ways that aren't reflected in the reality of his actions. Specifically, he thinks of himself as some grandiose, charismatic action hero, even though in reality he’s just kind of a nerdy teen who watches movies all day. There are many reasons he views himself that way, but most relevantly to this post he’s raised solely on media to influence his worldview, and therefore both consciously and unconsciously assimilates the roles of movie character archetypes onto how he thinks of real people. This is easily mapped onto Jake’s perception of himself as a “man”, as (most of) the men he knows are the rough-and-tumble, kick ass adventure type. He thinks that since these are traits of men, and since he is a man, he must inherently be that way as well- even though in actuality, he's done very little to show it.

By the narrative’s standards, Jake makes a lot of mistakes as someone who wants to be considered a “man”. He idolizes female heroes alongside male ones (most likely influenced by Grandma English’s being his first model of what a hero should be), even going so far as to dress like them. He’s not ashamed of his attraction to men. In fact, he's open about his attraction to what the narrative considers to be abnormal (I know in the real world, an attraction to "blue women" would be regarded as incredibly tame, but considering what Homestuck considers a furry it's safe to say the standard of deviance is rather low. I think the emphasis on Neytiri is meant to accentuate Jake's affinity towards blue woman as "weird", especially as the narration highlights her nonhuman anatomy and she's repeatedly described as "furry"). The narrative punishes him for these traits, often in ironic ways. He is given a skimpy, uncomfortable, god tier outfit meant to objectify him (reminiscent of how women are objectified in the movies he likes), he messes up his relationship with Dirk so bad he convinces himself he's not attracted to anyone*, and he is embarrassingly awkward with the real-life blue alien girl he meets. Sincerity, especially among male characters, is often unforgivable to Homestuck.

*To clarify, what I think is happening when Jake says he's not "capable" of romantic attraction is that he's trying to convince himself he can't feel attraction, because he doesn't want to have a relationship where he hurts people/other people hurt him that bad ever again. I don't think it's "wrong" to interpret him as aromantic, and I especially don't think aromanticism should be treated as a "punishment". I just don't think of him as such.

Jake’s whole SBURB adventure is the narrative repeatedly, humiliatingly tearing down Jake’s perception of himself by placing him into situations wherein he is shown to fail to uphold it, both internally to the characters and externally to the reader. The “charismatic” part of his persona is all but demolished in his conversations with Aranea, as well as his relationships with the Alpha kids in the void session. In the Game Over timeline while Gamzee is fighting Terezi, all Jake can bring himself to do is politely ask him to stop. His most damning blow comes in his confrontation with Crockertier Jane, as he fails twofold at what a “man” would do in his place- he doesn’t want to fight her, and he doesn’t want to have sex with her. His admission of “not wanting to be a man and not wanting to punch her in the face” at BGD’s pestering is the narrative finally succeeding at pressuring him into admitting he’s too weak for the standards of masculinity imposed on him, or put another way, that he’s not a "man” at all. (Relevantly, BGD functions as both a Dirk [a character praised for his adherence to masculinity] analogue and Jake’s internal monologue, proving Jake is aware and ashamed of himself in the moment and that he thinks his friends would most likely judge him too). Once the narrative has proven Jake has failed at the standards of masculinity, it forces him into what he, and the reader, would understand as positions typically held by female characters in media (objectifying him, assaulting him, etc.).

Jake is often treated as “silly” and “stupid”, both outright and insidiously. He's the kid who grew up on an island, isolated from society, and therefore doesn't understand how the world "really" operates. He also shares Caliborn's unspecified "learning disorder", which in the narrative's terms, is just another reason he's out of touch. The more characters who think of him as stupid or ignorant, the more Jake's autonomy is diminished- how can he claim to know anything about his identity when he so disconnected from reality? Jake's continual crying falls into this too, as large displays of emotions are often conflated with stupidity, or at the very least irrationality.

All of this is so resonant for me as a transmasc person, especially since Homestuck is so influenced by internet culture. I was never a forum goer but I did a lot of digital self harm on Reddit and the sentiment that transmasc people are stupid, fanciful, confused teen girls that only want to be men because they want to imitate characters in media is (was? I try not to go on Reddit anymore) very common in those types of spaces. (This is amplified if you read Jake as autistic [as I do] as the “confused autistic teen girl” is unfortunately a very prevalent transphobic stereotype). Anyone who did not live up to a very specific caliber of toxic masculinity (wearing only masculine clothes, being attracted exclusively to women, repressing grand acts of emotions, etc.) was labeled as faking, and often subject to misogynistic harassment. I hope by now you can see how this connects to Jake.

(One of the reasons) why John's conversation with Jake in Act 6 Act 6 is so important to resolving his character is that John shows Jake that there's more than one way to be a man. John introduces a new type of masculinity to Jake, that of a "side kick", evidently referencing Robin, as he contrasts this archetype with "bat man". He recontextualizes his outfit meant to objectify him as something this character would wear. Robin- and therefore this role of the "side kick"- is still very much a male character who is allowed to be male even though he's goofy instead of a chiseled, emotionally repressed paradigm of masculinity. Jake shows a lot of joy at inhabiting this idea.

In summary, transmasc Jake is an extrapolation of the themes of how the narrative punishes Jake for not meeting the expectations of masculinity put upon him. There are other reasons why I view Jake as transmasc, but this is the most important one to me, as it's the most poignant. There are few stories that portray the experience of growing up on the internet, fewer specifically with a transmasculine lens, and even fewer that discuss the hardships of doing so in both cases. Ironically, the narrative's contempt towards Jake made for a more realistic, and therefore more evocative, experience for me.

Of course, not all transmasc people are going to view it that way, so please don't generalize. I like seeing negative experiences reflected in media, but not all people do. Also, I don't want to give Hussie credit for all of this- some (probably most) of what I talked about was legitimately intended to be bigoted, or at least rooted in bigoted assumptions. Homestuck is a text you should read critically, as it is embedded in its author's history, for the better and for the worse.

This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg concerning both transmasc Jake and especially Jake analysis in general so hopefully more posts to come. Also, despite the fact I didn’t go into them much as characters in this post, know I am a staunch Jane and Dirk defender (crockertier Jane is not really representative of Jane and BGD is not really representative of Dirk. I also don't think Jake is perfect or anything). They are also both transmasc but that's a post for a different day.

[levichouphys]

A Tumblr Essay in Response to Youtuber Aldone’s Video Essay Titled “Why Elsa IS A Bad Character”

This is the first time in forever I use anti-tags in this blog, but I have to protect myself. To be fair, this is Tumblr and you have full freedom to block me after reading this post, so bear with me.

And I will close the comment session for this one because I imagine I would be exhausted to deal with it in this particular post. Forgive me for my cowardness.

 Caveat:

Trigger warning: This post has mentioned misogyny, mental illness, and cyberbullying.

I should first explain my relationship with Frozen franchises. When Frozen was out, I was a little 13~14 gremlin. I seldom went to theatre for a movie in my entire life, and I am still the same now. In the 23 years of my life, I have ever gone to a movie theatre three times. Every other movie I watch is from DVD renting stores or Disney Plus. Therefore, when I watched Frozen 1, it was when our music teacher in the high school decided to play the film in the class as Frozen 1 was a musical (so it qualifies as teaching material in a music class I guess).

I am a cis woman who once succumbed to 1990s feminism—I refused to have anything to do with feminine qualities as I’ve never learned make-up and dress-up. So Frozen actually resonated with a part of me that I had never thought existed—I saw the girl who wished to be seen as more powerful and tougher in the characterization of Elsa in Frozen 1. But at the same time, the influence of 1990s feminism in me told me that I should feel ashamed for liking Frozen 1. I refused to tell anyone (including my family) that I love Frozen, except my closest friend in the high school.

Once, I had to confess to my younger sister because she found me drawing Elsa fanart. I confessed: “I love Frozen, yes. Your super masculine-looking sister loves Frozen. Could you let me be and don’t tell my Mom? I can’t deal with how she would think of me if she knows I love Frozen.”

I love Frozen. I love Frozen Fever. Olaf's Frozen Adventure is mostly repetitive for me but I still feel the warmth when the sisters sing “When We’re Together.” I understand there are flaws in these films, but hey, I have a fun time watching those films, and they would be a big part of my teenage years.

But I don’t like Frozen 2. I personally disagree with many of the creative choices in this film, which I don’t think I would go too much into in this post. But just so you know: I am an Asian and I once wrote Frozen fanfiction and did prompts occasionally on the Internet platform in my own country. Once my criticism of Frozen 2 was known by the Frozen fans in the Internet community in my country, I was cyber bullied to the point of depression and despair.

That is my story about my relationship with Frozen franchise. I believe Youtuber Aldone has his story of his…somewhat love-hate relationship with Frozen franchise told again and again in his video. (Yeah today I’m going to express my personal opinions on this video essay)

 Aldone, if you are reading this, I would like to say that the purpose of writing this post is not out of mean spirit or hatred against you. It is me doing the thing I am more familiar with—writing, to express my thoughts on your several points in this video. I think we can agree to disagree, it’s the purpose of a conversation even though we have never met. I appreciate your effort to put the original video together, as I understand how much work it takes to make a video because I have edited crappy videos for my school projects before.

But I am here just to provide my opinions, nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps by doing so, I can finally have more peace with a part of me that was once obsessed with this franchise. I could finally be free from the prison of this obsession.

And to anyone who cyberbullies Aldone after reading my post, I just want to say: fuck off from my lawn and you are the worst.

Then shall we begin?

 Pardon me for not quoting Aldone’s original video quote-by-quote. I would write this in bullet points, but I would simply the arguments Aldone attempted to make rather than quoting them with composing a Tumblr post purpose

  1. Aldone: “Elsa’s parents are the worst royal parents in Disneyverse, they were portrayed in a positive light, but everything they did as parents were horrible to Elsa. The issue is the film never made it clear that Elsa’s parents were bad parents.”

My counterpoints: The thing with parenting, imo, is you can love your children but still fuck up the parenting. You can love your children but still gaslight them subconsciously so they will learn better, even if you mean no ill will. Their parents’ flaw was that they didn’t know how to confront Elsa’s emotions after the Anna incident. If Frozen 1 tried to flat-out portray Elsa’s parents as characters like Mother Gothel, manipulating Elsa just for their personal gain, then honestly I would be disappointed. It would not necessarily be a bad story, per se, but how I view Elsa’s parents is: they tried their best to protect Elsa, but they messed up.

 “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” for me, it’s a heart-wrenching experience as I feel bad for both Anna and Elsa. Parents served as a purpose to fuel Elsa’s fear further, rather than being a pair of good parents.

The thing about this world is that love is not enough for salvation sometimes. And love sometimes is poison. I don’t agree with the view that there’s “fake love/just obsession” and “true love.” Love is a fact, love is an emotion, but love sometimes will not necessarily make you a better person.

 But I gotta say, as a fellow who dislikes Frozen 2, I agree it makes no sense in retrospect considering Iduna had some experience with magical spirits so I am mainly talking about Frozen 1 here.

  2. Aldone: “’ For the first time forever’ is good until Hans ruined it because upon re-watching, we know Hans was the true villain. So the contrast between Anna and Elsa in this song is weakened. This song is supposed to be about the hero vs. the villain. (Aldone did not say this in this bracket, but I guess he wanted something like ‘Out There’ in Hunchback of Notre Dame from ‘For the First Time in Forever.’)”

My counterpoints: I am sorry, Aldone. But pardon me for being blunt: I think you grapple with the idea of “Elsa was supposed to be the main villain in the first draft” too much, to the point that you couldn’t see what Frozen is now as an end product on its own.

Yes, I admit it is always interesting and important to understand the creators’ intentions. But sometimes, I would choose to embrace “The Death of the Author” more to free my expectations from those interviews from the creators.

 So what’s my point here? My view on “For the First Time Forever” is: This is a song about fear, the very core theme of this film. It is not about good and evil, but it is about how two sisters deal with their fear. Now, you might ask “Well, it is obvious for Elsa, but what do you mean on Anna’s end?” Anna was isolated by her sister without understanding the reasons, her fear was: what if the coronation party couldn’t solve her isolation?

 I know it all ends tomorrow

So it has to be today

'Cause for the first time in forever

For the first time in forever

Nothing's in my way! (Anna’s verses from “For The First Time in Forever”)

 While I personally don’t agree with the choice to make Hans the twisted villain, I do not agree that Hans ruined the song. The contrast between Anna and Elsa in this song still works even if Hans exists, because, for me, Hans’ problems have nothing to do with the brilliant writing in this song and the reprise.

  3. Aldone: “’ Let It Go’ is bad for character development because it sends a bad message. It looked like woman empowerment but felt flat because when Elsa built the castle, she didn’t face the consequences of her actions.”

 My counterpoint: I think a comment under Aldone’s original video said it better than me: “Let It Go” is about Elsa being a hypocrite.

Yes. And I mean it. Elsa was hypocritical in this song. She sang about being free and could use her power in her will, but she chose to close the gate (of the balcony) right in the face of the audience. She was blinded by her desire to be free from her lifelong fear, but she didn’t realize her ice castle was just another prison for herself because her mind was never free from her fear for real. I feel like I am not reading too much in that particular frame of closing the gate right in the audience’s faces??? I just feel like…the metaphor ain’t that subtle???

Well, people always told me that I read too much in everything. I guess that’s how I function as a human being named Levi.

 “Let It Go” was unfortunately framed as woman empowerment because of its fame. Let me say this: If you really have ever watched AMC’s “Breaking Bad,” you would understand the scene when Walter White said “I AM NOT IN THE DANGER, SKYLAR—I AM THE DANGER” is one of the most pathetic moments of the character of Walter, rather than how mainstream critics interpreted as “badass.”

Now, you could say “But this song was supposed to be a villain song! They ruined this song by making Elsa not the villain in this film!” Then pardon me for being a broken record: Embrace The Death of the Author. The song was not ruined, the misinterpretation of the mass did.

 Finally, I just would like to add something to “she didn’t face the consequences of her actions.” I think: “For the First Time in Forever (Reprise)” is her consequence. You could argue that this consequence was far from enough, therefore, Elsa never learned from her mistake.

I would like to remind you that feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily make a human being a good person. Oppenheimer was crushed by his crippling guilt after WW2, did that make him a good guy?

Elsa felt the guilt, that was her consequence, and yes, she tried to run away from it, but that made her human. The inability to face her fear was her major character flaw.

But dear Aldone, pardon me but: Having character flaws doesn’t make a character badly written.

  4. Aldone: “We don't know what is Elsa thinking that much in the course of the film. (He implied that just seeing how her magic respond to her emotions felt flat in term of characterization) She was too passive in Frozen 1.”

My counterpoint: A character does not necessarily need to be proactive/having their own agency to be compelling. Elsa’s battle in Frozen 1 is her battle within her fragile heart. I understand Elsa felt more like a tragic character belonging to a Greek myth than a main hero/heroine in a Disney film, but to me, personally, that is her charm at least in the first film.

Sorry, this one I only have my own opinions to say rather than delivering anything else more elaborating.

  5. Aldone: “It felt forced that Elsa was brought back to Arendelle rather than realising her mistakes on her own. It’s nonsensical for Elsa to escape the whole kingdom after realising the horror consequence of her actions.”

My counterpoint: She was dealing with trauma just evoked by the confrontation with Anna—She just literally re-created the horror haunted in her imagination after the incident in her childhood, I personally think it’s unfair to expect her to react rationally at this scene.

  6. Aldone: “Hans' existence ruins Elsa's character arc as well because Elsa is now forced into a hero character which she was never meant to be. She has never faced her consequence.”

My counterpoint: I understand where you came from. But I wouldn’t call Elsa a hero/heroine. I would call her an interesting character, as I have no interest in classifying them into heroes or villains.

I would say: blame the masses for misinterpreting “Let It Go.”

I am sorry for sounding so irresponsible of my own claim in this particular session.

  7. Everything in the Frozen 2 session.

My response: I fully agree other than I think Elsa’s character was handled WAY WORSE than her in Frozen 1 personally. But it would require another long post. I have severe PTSD response to watching anything related to Frozen 2 because it evokes memories related to the cyberbullying against me in my country during its release. So no. I do not wish to explain why I personally dislike Frozen 2 on this site at least any time soon. And I do not wish to have anything to do with #BringElsaHome. I dislike it for its plot and character development.

 Please forgive my cowardness.

  8. So Levi, are you saying Frozen 1 is Pogger, and Elsa is a good character?

My answer: Elsa in my opinion, is relatable and compelling, as a woman whose major flaw was her need to escape her fear, but never realized that such desire would worsen her fear. She is by no means a bad person, but neither is she a pure-of-heart innocent cinnamon roll. I love her as what she was in Frozen 1 and her character is one of the most interesting for me in the Disney animation movies. And I am sorry, I tried my best, but I dislike Frozen 2 personally.

Elsa’s story in Frozen 1 was not about her personal growth, but rather about how such a powerful (magically) woman needs something with human warmth in order to have a chance for her salvation.

 You might ask: Does such a “terrible(TM)” person like Elsa deserve salvation even to begin with? My response would be: In my opinion, characters respond to the situations around them with their own blind spots and their limited information like each of us is in the real world. Elsa, in my opinion, at least in Frozen 1, had tried her best despite all her faults. And that to me, earned her a shot for salvation, which was Anna.

And I love Anna as a character. But I just love flawed characters more when I consume fictional stories.

I understand why Elsa’s character arc didn’t resonate well with other people, and I respect their opinions, as everyone can have their opinions.

  Finally, I just wish to write some words, and immense myself in my own words so I could reflect on myself more. The fact that I love Frozen and I can’t change my own opinions has plagued me for a long while. I know the fault is mine, and I am currently trying my best to improve my self-esteem.

At the end of the day, let me quote this from Breaking Bad to explain the essence of this whole long post:

“I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And I was really, I was ALIVE.”

 LeviChou out.

[burning-sol]

Too much of a pussy to interact the post directly but um. Re: genderbends and feminism

I think you’re entirely right to bring up how easy that passive hostility can become transphobia but I also think the idea that most genderbends are trans hcs is a bit of a spiders George moment. We (you and I) have cultivated a space we feel safe in that is predominantly populated by trans people who will talk about trans things- in the wider fandomspace there are still a lot of cis people who completely misunderstand what a genderbend has the potential to be. Obviously the years have brought good things and a lot has changed for the better, but there are still a lot of people who do in fact genderbend a dude character they like into a cis girl and you can tell by the way they write her they have no idea what they’re doing and generally little understanding of girls or girlhood. But attacking all genderbends and making the assumption that they’re all that is certainly not the way to go about it; like you said, a lot of people actually have trans hcs and sort of reclaim the r63 trend. But it is important to recognize there’s a larger problem of media not having girl characters with depth, or having those characters but they’re massively set aside for a dude. There’s no shame in enjoying the guy character more, speaking from experience, like you said let ppl on the internet do what they want. But also indulge taking a deeper look at the women, and recognize the bigger issue. I will defend every badly written woman with everything I have but I will also defend every fandom-decided transwoman with everything I have as well. They’re sisters. Super Sorry if this is a weird ask I felt like adding my perspective, bc ur right but I see. More

No need to belittle yourself, I know how anxiety inducing it can be to reply to something off anon, what matters is that you were polite and thoughtful. So lemme address your point. Post being talked about for context.

I think I did misword my post, you're absolutely right, but what I was trying to get across is that I suppose I hypothesise a lot of "genderbends" may only be perceived like that from the outside without the neccessary context. This is based on how I reflected on my own headcanons and how they can be outwardly percieved, and also my experience in fandom. For example, my interpretation of an AU character (William Wight) could easily be viewed as a genderbend without the context of personal thoughts and the fact I headcanon William Wisp (the og character) as PRE-transition, especially since another character from that AU I have genderbent. So it wasn't strictly about genderbending actually being trans headcanons, it's about how if you're without context, genderbending can be a misinterpretation of a trans headcanon.

But you're right, I too closely conflated them, giving overall the wrong message about genderbending and invalidating the feelings of people who just enjoy the trope without the trans aspect. There's a lot of people out there who genderbend not knowing anything about transness, that could easily be a misinterpretation, it was based on my experiences and not any hard data. I also projected onto the people reblogging that post that they wouldn't have the eye to make a disceration between the two.. Which, I have no clue either way, who knows. But thankfully, I don't think any of this takes away from the point being made or hurts anyone too severely. I hope that anyone who feels misrepresented can still understand the post regardless of how I may have offended them, because the underlying transphobia is the bigger issue. And also, to reinforce it again, I AGREE with OP in the right context, I think it's a real phenomena, but I try to be critical of posts if they start to widely circulate without anyone pointing out what can be a potentially harmful idea.

Also to consider as a note though: genderbending can be a precursor to being trans as a form of experimentation. So yes, it is still worth taking into the consideration what you're saying about people who genderbend characters, you have no idea what they're going through even if they claim not to be trans, things can change. But even further beyond that, I focused on trans people for obvious reasons, it's shitty to be targeting a minorty.. But if you're nodding along with my post like, "oh yeah, it's okay if TRANS people genderbend characters, but ANYONE ELSE isn't allowed to" umg. Well. That can still be transphobia, or just generally a dick thing to do. Again, I just think we shouldn't assume that misogyny is involved when there are other incredibly viable reasons for genderbending.

I didn't even bring it up because I didn't want to tbh, but, also a lot of people who genderbend are just.. Into that. That's also a notable reason but again, that wasn't the point.

Btw, this is all coming from the fandom where people rampantly post abt an mlm ship and overlook the other lead that is girl. So. I first hand have experienced the EXACT issue being discussed, but I still wouldn't wanna go and make the wide assertions OP was making. In the end, we are all people on the internet in our niches making assumptions about wider groups even if we don't actually know jack shit about each other. Hence I preach love and tolerate, and to generally not judge people.

I hope this was a decent response and maybe even added something to my previous post. Or maybe this was a jumbled schlock of nothing that went off the rails, I'm sorry if that's the case.

[semper-legens]

170. The Shadow Cabinet, by Juno Dawson

Owned: No, library Page count: 504 My summary: Her Majesty's Royal Coven is still dealing with the aftermath of the downfall of their previous leader. But all is not well in the county of Yorkshire. Leonie's brother is missing, probably gone after evil warlock Dabney Hale. Elle's husband is acting very strangely. Theo struggles to fit into school, between being a witch and being a trans girl. And Niamh Kelly is not who she seems... My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:

Ah, back to Her Majesty's Royal Coven. This is the second book in Juno Dawson's first series for adult readers, and though I am very much enamoured with her writing when it comes to YA fiction, HMRC left me a bit cold the first time I read it. I've discussed it with a friend (herself a trans woman) since, and she hit the nail on the head with her commentary - while she didn't think it was a bad book per se, she was disappointed at how it was aimed more at middle-aged cis women with book clubs than trans women. Trans women don't get so much fiction that is aimed specifically at them, after all. And I agree with her on this - a lot of Dawson's writing in this series trends towards what I call the 'baby's first' style of writing. By that, I mean that it introduces a social issue, but in a way that is meant to be for people who have absolutely no prior knowledge of or experience with that social issue. In this case, it's a combo of baby's first trans teenager and baby's first systemic oppression. None of this is by necessity bad. It's just not quite what I was expecting or looking for.

So yeah, as previously mentioned, the main protagonists of this book are middle-aged cis women, though trans teenager Theo does get some point of view time and her own B plot. This isn't necessarily meant to be a book about transness, but as I said, I'm still left a little disappointed by the lack of trans characters. That said, this book introduces an intersex witch who helps Leonie in her quest to find big bad Dabney Hale and her brother Radley, so that's an interesting addition at least. But for all I have complained about the focus being on said middle-aged cis women, it isn't as though Dawson writes them badly. On the contrary, she manages to perfectly walk the line of universality (everyone knows a woman who acts like at least one of these women) and specificity, where her characters still feel like full people with lives and stories that aren't just meant to be blandly relatable. Reading about them is fun! I particularly like housewife Elle, who learns of her husband's infidelity and winds up unlocking a part of her and a power that she wasn't aware of previously. It's an interesting idea and I want to see where it's going.

But the politics of this book are very baby's first. I get it, when you're writing about issues like women's rights and trans identity, particularly transfeminine identity, in a modern setting then there's no reason why your characters can't be spouting the modern social justice terminology when they talk about it. I just think that the messaging with the politics of the book was a little too clear-cut and unsubtle. I would have liked a little more ambiguity, and perhaps for the characters to not always talk like internet teens sometimes. At its worst, it just came across as clunky and obvious, and that's the kind of thing you really want to avoid in a book with these sorts of messages.

Like I said, the characters in this novel are engaging. Ciara is one of our main point of view characters, the sister of Niamh who took over her body and is now masquerading as her. The heel-face turn she is slowly making, plus her attempts to piece together her past and understand who she really is, are engaging, and her voice is a fun one to play with. Poor Theo gets a subplot where she is coming to terms with her magic and her transformation after the last book which raises some interesting ideas about dysphoria, identity, and gender as well as being really endearing. Leonie's determination in her quest to find her brother is strong, and Elle's more domestic problems are a slow tragedy that is nonetheless interesting to see unfold. I'm probably gonna end up reading the next book in this series when it comes out. I do still really like Dawson's writing. I'm just a little disappointed that this story could have been a lot more complex than it is.

Next up, back to CHERUB, as a plane crashes into the ocean.

[eos0anemone]

Autism and social hierarchy

I want to start my blog with a topic that I have given a lot of thought during this last year specifically: understanding social hierarchy as an autistic person.

Social hierarchy is everywhere: school, family, workplace, internet, friends... Literally everywhere. When I was little and I used to watch american high school movies, I thought that the depiction of the populars (sportist, pretty, outgoing people) and the losers (nerd, 'ugly' and shy individuals) was very exaggerated and not realistic at all. Now that I'm a grown-up girl out of school, I can say to myself that this division does indeed exist. It is not as obvious and dumb as they make seem in those movies; it is noiseless, hypocrite and apparently intrinsical on neurotypical people, which makes it so hard for autistic individuals to understand it's existence, or completely grasp the reason it exists.

The truth is that the vast majority of neurotypical people, even the ones you consider your friends, move around the world under this omnipresent social hierarchy. The top of this social hierarchy (think of it as a pyramide) is reserved to those who have the most desirable characteristics: a person with strong presence, obviously extroverted and with lots of friends, rich, prototipically pretty, and even better if white/cis/straight. Deepdown, morality doesn't matter at all, and neither does having a great intelligence or sensibility: they only matter on a performance basis, and this performance excludes showing them in low or high levels (not desirable to be perceived as too dumb, too sensitive, a 'snowflake' or a know-it-all).

Everyone aspires to be on the top, because it is a sign of desirability, superiority and privilege. However, since it is not possible for everyone to be on it, neurotypicals try to approach the top as much as they can, and they do that by establishing any kind of relationships with people at higher levels and gaining sympathy points. Think of it as a visual novel where you gain affection through interactions with the characters; this is very similar, since these people who are at the top will view you better or worse depending on how much you have flattered them, interacted with them, and acted according to their criteria, the last one being very important. If you don't act or present like how they want you to do, you will not gain their sympathy; and that means that you will not either gain the sympathy of those who try to approach the people at top. In fact, they will want to knock you down as a sign of dominance.

As you can start to guess, this situation obviously leads to some kind of survival game about eat or being eaten. It leads to bullying, ostracism and rejection. And who loses the most at these types of games? Minorities, of course. And minorities who don't understand and/or are unable to adapt to/follow social neurotypical games are at greater danger, like autistic people.

You can genuinely believe that you are very good friends with a neurotypical person; but if a conflict happens between you and a person who has greater social level than you, there's a 99% that your friend will: a) not take any sides because "it's not their business", b) not take your side and justify it even if they have to lie to you or themselves, c) literally stop talking to you. Between you, an autistic individual who maybe is nice but has 0 social level, and a popular person with big influence, neurotypicals choose the second, and they do almost as if they were programmed to do so. You will not understand, because social hierarchy does not exist for you: you don't care about famous people, about rich influencers, or about those classmates who have 2k followers. You care about your friends, and if they are in a vulnerable position, you will choose them without any doubt; but sadly, it's highly probable that the feeling isn't mutual.

In my case, I understand the concept of social hierarchy, but I don't understand why it has to exist. For me everyone is the same, money doesn't matter, looks doesn't matter, but personality and morality does. But I realized when I was a young teenager that people didn't think the same as me. Since I was a very perceptive and intelligent girl who did a lot of masking, I eventually learned how to act with people my age to at least not gain their dissaproval. Did it work? Yeah, it did, because I was a very good actress. However, I didn't gain their approval either, and it took me time and conflicts to realize it. When we were classmates, the role I genuinely gave to a lot of people was that of a good friend, or at least, a colleague I had a good relationship with; I was too naive and thought that the way I viewed my friendships was reciprocal. However, a lot of people actually just gave me the role of an adorable submissive pet who let them copy my homework, didn't have an opinion of her own and overall was 'very cute', 'very shy', 'very innocent'. Everytime I acted following my moral for once, the result I gained was ostracism and even some strong insults - those are stories I will explain another day.

Did my then friends defend me on these situations? Yes and no. One of them defended me because we were together on the ostracism; but time later, when I confronted a person with way bigger status, he did not back me up even though I was telling the truth. The friends I had on secondary school gave me a pat on my shoulder when I was rejected by my group, but kept talking in good terms with the same people who deeply hurt me. Would I do the same to then? No, and I never did. But that's the curse that comes with being an autistic person who will never understand nor have a good position at neurotypical social hierarchy. Ride or die doesn't really exist when it comes to us, unless you befriend other neurodiverse people.

No matter how good you try to accomodate to this structure, you will never receive any good things from it. It is a hard reality to face, especially during high school, but once you break free from it, things really become better for your mental health and your relationships; and while it is possible to have a good relationship with neurotypical people, it is also prone to disappointments, unilaterality (on both sides for different aspects) and miscommunication.

This is the end of the post, I will return tomorrow with more things to say ♡.

[leadfeathers]

Oh Lordt.

Parents came up for a weekend and wanted to see a baseball game. Went to game and it’s pride night. My parents are “straight people don’t get a whole month” kind of people. I told my mom we have Toyotathon.

Next day we go to small town nearby to shop and bop. What’s that? Small festival with food trucks? Great let’s go! Pride festival. We get a beer and rainbow wristbands and walk around. Dad can’t quite stand it. Not sure if he has something against pride festivals or if he’d just been standing too long. Hard To Say.

Mom wants to go to a Saturday night church service. Only Lutheran church with a service is a Everyone is Welcome here type church where they are celebrating pride month, Father’s Day, and Juneteenth all in one. There is a talk from a mom about her daughters transition. There are new bathroom signs they are proud of. The service goes way long as a woman is giving a Very Intense Sermon that is actually her life story and by the end I’m sobbing because her brother died after contracting HIV. We have to skip out early because it’s the longest Lutheran service I’ve been to. Longer than a Christmas service. And we have reservations for dinner so we gotta go.

I’d like to state for the record that I was not planning on giving my parents the talk about this stuff this weekend.

I was told hey we’re coming down come to a baseball game.

We’re in the car. Drivin. I’m stressing. I’m fielding comments about People. I’m trying my best. But guys I’m straight. I’m cis. I’m never right. I don’t use the right words. And my mom is asking me to explain it all. Pronouns. What are they. Nonbinary. Intersex. She has combined NB and trans in her mind. Do all trans people use they/them? Nobody introduces themselves with pronouns do they? Dads cutting in with Comments.

She just feels like people are spending all day walking around talking about who they want to have sex with! Or at least that’s what tv is telling her. I try to explain that it actually comes up very little. It can be as easy as someone just letting you know they are going through some medical changes. Maybe needing some help with those changes. Or maybe you need to learn a new name. Like how when someone changes their maiden name and it’s hard to make the switch but very expected and you know it’s rude to do it wrong.

And guys maybe I got through to her? I tried some jokes. I tried to keep it on the level of: we don’t want to deliberately hurt people and everyone is different and if they want you to call them a certain name or refer to them as a boy or a girl then that’s kind and pretty simple. No one has the same life experience so I just trust them to tell me about themselves and we go from there. She agreed with that of course.

The church was a bit weird. There wasn’t really anything church focused there at all and it had kind of culty vibes. They were talking a TON about their inclusivity work but never once mentioned any disability inclusion. Which was the one demographic that that very white Minnesotan congregation could probably understand the best. We chatted about that and how that can make us feel like outsiders. Both of them wear hearing aides now and obviously we have my brother who is severely disabled. So that was a bit of a touchstone for them.

My guys I’m so exhausted tho. I always feel like I’m trying so hard with them. To combat the shit they hear from their friends and the rest of our family. They love people and I think delight in silliness and uniqueness. And they’ve got this crazy wall on this one issue. I just think I’m the only person they know who tries to explain it to them.

I just want my parents to be nice people. I’m a little worried about my dad. Since he’s retired I think he gets more and more of his life from the internet. And his adhd brain and dyslexia combine to make him skip around from weird inflammatory headline to inflammatory headline making up shit and drawing conclusions as he goes.