#you are a little cis girl on the internet who thinks they understand how to have an adult conversation
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usercelestial · 7 months ago
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i genuinely think i might kill myself
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aromantic-pantyanarchy · 1 year ago
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It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.
I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.
I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.
I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)
I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.
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occultbooks · 2 months ago
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Please tell me all your trans Wilson headcanons OP
oh my goodness is this.... an excuse to talk about trans wilson...? oh my goodness ok let me get my affairs in order, no pun intended. I dont know what you want specifically, but a lot of these are just thoughts about how the idea of wilson being trans ties into canon
I think being trans is where a lot of wilson's comphet comes from. not only will being with a woman make him look "normal," but also like a man, and by extension, he will be viewed as a "normal man"
he absolutely would have done the legit porn part of feral pleasures if he had had the equipment at the time. in fact, there are a lot of things he would have done if he were a cis man. but, c'est la vie
he's stealth, but told cuddy because they're besties and wilson felt like he could actually trust her, despite having known house for longer. house found out accidentally, but doesn't tell anyone because (his words) "I'm not a monster, jimmy"
he went off T in his 30s because he thought it would dampen his sex drive and save his marriage (it only worked for a little while). he didn't get back on T until around 2005, which is why he looks so twinkish and young in the first season.
he was in girl scouts as a kid. yes, this is me projecting.
house did his phalloplasty and wilson still does not know how he let that happen. both of them, however, are happy with the result.
before top surgery, he used to fall asleep with his binder on all the time. its a miracle his ribs are intact.
he gets dysphoric about random shit. his paranoid ass looks in the mirror and goes "do you think my teeth are too feminine?" and it gives house a headache
the mcgill sweater was absolutely his chest dysphoria sweater
he used to go on trans internet forums and soak up all the insane information about "how to pass," like shaving peach fuzz, or not eating chocolate because there's too much estrogen in it, or standing in a superhero pose, and he did it, even though he knew it wasn't scientifically sound. again, I am projecting
taub is the only other person who knows because wilson approached him about facial masculinization surgery. he opted not to get it because the way taub said "no offense, but why do you need that?" made him feel like it probably wasn't necessary
he shaves his face for professionalism reasons, but he's actually a very hairy man. being hairy is important to him, mostly because its another arbitrary thing that makes him a "normal man," but also because he knows that people (women and house) find it attractive.
his family is not super duper understanding, but they try their best. his mom beats herself up because she thinks he didn't have a strong enough female role model in his life. they're trying.
that's all I can think of right now. I hope this is sufficient :3
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pickledpidgeon · 2 months ago
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The One Where They Pee On Each Other
nsfw, piss kink, unsanitary, light petplay/daddy kink, embarrassment, desperation, really fucking long
-
Jackie is nineteen years old. 
He is trying (and failing) to stop thinking about urination. 
Laying in his still twin-sized bed (Mom can’t afford a bigger one, but Jackie understands, he does wish his feet didn’t hang off the end though) he stares at his ceiling.
He’s gotten his GED, so no school. It’s been an unspoken decision between him and Mom that he’s not going to college. He’s unemployed, at the moment, only a little bit left in his account after he left his toxic fast food job. His chest has healed quite well from surgery. The hospital smell on his clothes has faded, the only evidence of his last admittance being adjusted medication on his dresser, next to his T-shot supplies. His desktop computer is off, but still warm from earlier use. 
It’s noon, and Jackie is very, very, embarrassingly aroused. 
He was told on day one of getting on Testosterone that it would increase his libido, but holy shit, he didn’t think it would be this bad. 
When he was a younger teen, sex never appealed to him. Probably a combination of dysphoria making him disgusted at anyone touching him, and the medications he was put on when Dad died and his mind went haywire. It’s almost amusing now that he’s getting himself off every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. He’s not sure if that’s normal, but god, does he need it. 
He sighs and flops over to his side. He should probably get some lunch, but the wetness between his legs begs to be taken care of. As does his small, throbbing t-dick. Which is growing in pretty well, thank you very much. 
Perhaps his excessive porn watching that morning (thank god for the internet and thank god he has his own desktop) is to blame for being this horny this early in the day. Perhaps it was what he watched.
It was pretty standard fare, at first. He likes watching straight cis people stuff mostly, imagining himself as the guy (with the penis!) fucking the girl. He likes girls quite a bit, but over the years he’s found that boys are pretty hot as well. It used to make him anxious, being a guy and wanting to fuck another guy, but at this point he’s so lost in the horny soup that it stopped bothering him. So what if he likes both? Gay porn is just as hot, sue him. 
Scroll, scroll, click, click, save, save. Jackie was sipping away at his Monster as he sat at his desk. Sometimes he watches stuff just for the sake of it, just cause he’s curious. He did find he enjoys BDSM stuff quite a bit through this method, even if he has no clue how to actually do it with someone in real life. Too bad he’s a schizophrenic trangender recluse who never talks to people. Sometimes he wishes he had friends that didn’t exist in his delusions. Or someone to fuck.  
He ended up clicking on this watersports video because the girl was really pretty, not thinking much of it. 
It seemed pretty unsanitary to him at first, watching her piss all over the guy's dick. But he didn’t click off. He didn’t mean to watch the whole thing, really. He also didn’t intend to replay the video when it was over, because it didn’t seem long enough. Really, he didn’t. 
But he did. His energy drink sat unattended, his eyes glued to the screen. He watched the video again. And then again. He felt very hot and weird. He barely noticed he had been squirming in his raggedy old desk chair. He wanted more of this. 
He was about to start searching for more videos of erotic urination when he stopped, reality hitting him.
This is gross. 
His face had gotten even hotter, this time with shame. Weirdo. 
Jackie decided he’d had enough, he’d gone too far down the rabbit hole, time to turn it off and do something productive with his time. 
His legs were shaky and his mind was spinning when he stood up. He needed to distract himself somehow. He went to the kitchen and did some dishes he’d been lazily neglecting. He thought about the video. He went back to his room to pick up dirty laundry off the floor. He thought about the video. He debated on playing some Sonic Adventure 2 Battle but decided against it. He thought about the video. 
He tried to stop. Really, he did. 
But the idea of pissing on someone like that was so fucking hot to him, despite how gross it was, that he could not, for the life of him, stop thinking about it. 
Jackie is nineteen. He squirms around in bed. He kinda has to go to the bathroom. He thinks if he does, right now, he would cum from it. It makes him feel anxious and sick and so very, very warm. 
What the hell is happening? 
Jackie had to take another trip down the street to the sex shop for a better dildo yesterday. The smaller glass one he bought last time with his vibrator was good to start out with, but wasn’t really cutting it anymore. The older guy behind the counter called him ‘sir,’ which felt pretty nice as he paid for the far larger silicone dildo. He didn’t end up using it that evening. Mostly because he hung out with Mom for a bit after dinner. Partly because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to fit the thing in him. 
To his credit though, he did take it out of the box and cleaned it so it’d be ready whenever he was. Which was starting to become now. 
If I get off by fucking myself like a normal person, I’ll stop thinking about it and I can move on. 
He finally gets up off the mattress. Grabs the dildo off his dresser. He’s not thinking straight when he heads to the bathroom. 
-
Jackie is twenty-seven. And he wakes up to the quiet sound of shifting covers.
Still halfway in sleep-world, warm and terribly comfy, he feels a warm hand on his chest. It moves to steady itself on the bed next to Jackie as the man next to him tries to leverage himself gently. 
“Oh,” Jackie sleepily groans, “no you don’t.” 
Jackie’s eyes aren’t even open. He drags his arms out from under the covers to wrap around Jameson, who is, for some reason, trying to get up. His darling boy resists (barely) as Jackie pulls him back down to the bed. He huffs out a breath and tries moving again. 
“Baby,” Jackie whines, “don’t leave me. So warm and cozy. Stay forever.” 
Jameson huffs and bats at his chest in response while he again attempts to crawl over Jackie. Whining dramatically, Jackie grabs Jameson around the waist and tugs him back down against his chest. Jameson tries wriggling out of his grasp, and finally Jackie peeks his eyes open. 
It’s dark. Not even morning. What time? Who cares? Jackie just wants to cuddle and sleep. 
“Honey, it’s so early,” Jackie complains, releasing his grip on Jameson so he can sit up. 
“For your information,” Jameson signs, his hands barely visible, only illuminated by a streetlight outside, “I need to use the bathroom.” 
Ugh, really? Jackie should probably let him go, the loss of warmth and comfort a necessary evil. But then he gets an idea.
“Oh, do you now?” Jackie begins to grin, mischievously. His hands come back to grip at Jameson’s lean waist. 
“Guess you’ll have to go through me first.” 
Jameson blinks.  Debating his options on whether or not it’s worth it. And apparently, his bladder wins out, because now he practically leaps off the bed, off Jackie’s chest, hoping to land on the floor. Jackie is faster. He wraps his arms around Jameson’s waist and wrestles him back into bed. Jameson kicks his feet wildly, Jackie easily pinning him back down to the mattress. He squirms and fights it, but Jackie’s size and strength beat out Jameson and there is no escape for him at this point. Resigned to his fate of being bed-bound, Jameson huffs out a breath irritably, and lets himself relax in Jackie’s grip. 
Jackie grins, victorious. “Good boy. Now we’re gonna cuddle. And go back to bed.” 
Jameson’s hands twitch, signaling Jackie to release his wrists so he can sign. 
“So needy,” he says, eyes rolling, but playful. “Aren’t I allowed out of your sight for more than thirty seconds?”
“Eh,” Jackie says, rolling back down to the side, wrapping an arm around Jameson’s waist, “I could. But I don’t want to. I want you right here. All nice and warm. You can go when it’s a reasonable hour.” 
“Jackie, I really need to go.” 
“Nah, what you need is to let me be big spoon so I can go back to sleep.” Jackie’s eyes slip closed again as he snuggles closer.
Jameson isn’t having any of it. Rolling over, he pokes at Jackie’s cheek so he’ll open his eyes again. 
“I’m not staying,” he says, the determined thing, “It’ll take just a minute, and I’ll be back. I promise. 
“Nope. Not happening.” 
Jameson sighs out his nose, but a hint of a smile tugs at his mouth. 
“If you don’t let me go,” Jameson signs, “I’ll have to piss all over you.”
Jackie freezes. 
Oh. 
He stops breathing. 
Oh.
It was a joke. It was meant as a joke. They both know this. They both know Jackie’s fooling around because he’s tired and wants to cuddle, and Jameson will win the argument in the end and go to the bathroom to take a leak and then he’ll come back and everything will be fine. 
Jameson is not serious. It was a joke. 
And yet. Jackie can’t move. And he knows, without Jameson saying it, that his face has gone very, very red. 
“Uh,” Jameson sits up a bit, unsure, “are you okay?”
He’s confused. Jackie’s sweet boy doesn’t know what he said. So Jackie scrambles for an excuse. 
“Yeah. Yeah, uh. I’m okay.” It comes out a bit strained. Jackie meant for it to sound more casual. 
“Did I say something wrong?” Jameson is sitting up now. Jackie lays next to him, trying to look up at him. He’s finding eye contact difficult all of the sudden. 
“No, baby, nothing wrong.”
“Did I take it too far?” 
“No.”
Jameson cocks his head slightly to the side. “You’re acting funny. Why?”
Jackie wants to squirm. Jackie doesn’t want to answer the question.
“Just…go ahead. To the bathroom. I’ll survive. Then we can go back to bed.” Jackie tries smiling. It feels fake and tight. He really tries to not think about Jameson’s bladder. He really, really tries to not think about what Jameson just said to him. 
And how much it turned him the fuck on. 
“Jackie,” Jameson signs gently, still confused. “Why is your face all red? After I said the thing about the urine?”
“Um.” Jackie has no reasonable answer. “Uh. It just reminded me of something. Uh. Yeah. It’s okay, really. Just go.” 
“But I want to know,” Jameson says, leaning forward a bit. Oh, great. He’s curious now. 
“It’s nothing, baby, really–”
“Did you like the fact that I said I wanted to piss on you?”
Oh. 
Jackie suddenly finds his ability to speak greatly hindered. His face is on fire. He feels very hot. He feels his t-dick in his briefs throb. 
Oh, shit. 
Jameson isn’t stupid. In fact, he’s quite clever when he’s curious. Jackie practically sees the gears turning in his head as he makes the connection. And when he does, oh, Jackie can’t see the red on his face too clearly in the dark, but he assumes it's there.
Jackie needs to pivot. Now. Jackie needs Jameson to go across the hall and piss in a toilet like a normal fucking person so Jackie can stop thinking about it and go back to sleep. Jameson lifts his hands to sign.
“Jamie, honey, uh,” Jackie tries cutting him off, desperately, “it’s not like that, uh, I’m not–it’s just–uh–”
Jackie has nothing. Jameson just looks at him. And then he moves his knees and now he’s sitting on Jackie’s lap. Jackie feels Jameson’s bulge through their boxers. He really, really tries to ignore it. 
“Jackie,” Jameson signs, gentle, “It’s okay if you are into…that sort of thing. I like things that I think other people think are weird too.” 
Jackie swallows. He wants to agree–there’s a dog crate and a leash for Jameson next to his bed for fuck’s sake– but finds it difficult. He doesn’t know why this is so hard for him. Every single one of his fantasies and kinks he’s thoroughly put thought and research into. He’s okay with them all. 
Except this one.
Years of fantasizing, hiding it, trying not to think about it by indulging in other kinks, pretending like it’s not a big deal, like it’s something he’s not into, it’s all going out the window. Someone knows about it now. 
“It’s not–I mean, I’m not super into watersports or anything,” he starts nervously, realizing at this point there is no getting out of having this conversation. Jameson looks down at him, listening politely. 
“Uh, it’s, uh, just something I…think about sometimes, ya know? It’s not like I’m into it for real, I just–it’s fun to think about weird stuff occasionally, like–you know when you see something online and you entertain the idea, but you’d never really do it cause it’s gross, and weird, and–and so when you said you wanted to–to piss on me, I thought about that for just a second, not really a lot and it–I–” 
Jackie hates this. He doesn’t want to be talking about this one fucking fantasy he’s never shared with anybody. Jameson is different, he supposes, but this is…too much. 
Jameson looks down at Jackie. Jackie babbles and fumbles with his words. It would be almost amusing to an outsider, to see the ever-so-dominant and in control Jackie beneath his boy, embarrassed out of his mind. 
When Jackie finally trails off, they sit in silence for a moment. And then Jameson rocks forward, ever so slightly, his bulge lightly rubbing against Jackie’s dick. 
He doesn’t mean to whine. He really didn’t expect to be so hard and sensitive, either. The whine that escapes his mouth is so quiet, but easily heard in the silent morning. Jameson’s eyes go a bit wide. 
“Jackie,” Jameson finally signs, a bit nervous, “Do you want me to…go on your lap?” 
He’s unsure. He doesn’t know what to say to indulge Jackie’s disgusting ass fantasy. Jackie doesn’t want to indulge at all. A voice in his head screams to push Jameson off his lap right now and pretend like none of this happened. 
And then, there’s that stupid, horny part of himself that is so fucking turned on by the idea of his puppy pissing in his lap like a good little mutt that he doesn’t. He doesn’t push Jameson away. He might be shaking. He’s embarrassed. He’s ashamed that this is turning him on at all. 
And yet. Jameson doesn’t seem…too bothered by any of this. He experimentally rocks his hips again. Jackie whimpers again, despite his best efforts to silence himself. 
“I really have to go, Jackie.”
Jackie’s breath comes out shaky. He swallows. Tries evening out his breathing. Jameson won’t stop grinding on him. He fails. 
Jameson’s hands come to press into the mattress on either side of Jackie. He arches his back, closes his eyes, and grinds down, sighing as he presses harder against Jackie. He rocks, back and forth. 
And now Jackie finds himself at the crossroads. He can tell Jameson he doesn’t want this, and Jameson will be obedient and lay off. But that would be a lie. That would be the biggest lie Jackie ever told. 
He knows he’s wet without even needing to look. He can feel it. He can feel his opening growing slick as he throbs against Jameson, beginning to soak through his briefs. This is ridiculous. It’s disgusting how much he wants Jameson to empty his bladder on him. 
But at this point, it’s too late. He wants this. Jameson wants to provide for him. 
“It’s starting to hurt,” Jameson’s hands come up to sign, his eyes beginning to droop, that sweet puppy look coming over his face. “I really want to go.”
It’s dirty. And gross. Yet Jackie hangs onto Jameson’s words almost desperately. He never imagined anyone would want to do this to him, with him. 
And finally, Jackie makes a decision. 
He sits up. Shoves Jameson harshly against the bed, pushing him off his lap (oh, how he misses his hardness already) and pinning him again against the covers with hands around his throat. 
Jameson’s eyes are blown out wide, his breaths speeding up. Jackie snarls down at him, hungry, desperate, so scared but so exhilarated that this is happening. 
“Poor pup,” he growls out. He presses his hips down, desperate to feel Jameson against him again. He’s gotten harder. 
“Puppy has to go?” Jackie pants out, “He needs to piss?”
Jameson nods enthusiastically, hands wrapping around the bigger ones grasping his neck. Jackie is rubbing himself all over Jameson’s still clothed cock. 
“Dirty thing, asking to go on my lap.”
Jackie’s mind is beginning to run, trying to decide what he wants and how he wants it. And, oh, where is this happening? Not on the bed, Jackie doesn’t want to ruin the mattress, not on the carpet, it might smell, not in the kitchen on the linoleum floors, Chase could walk in, maybe outside? Maybe–oh. Well. The bathtub would make cleanup way easier, he supposes. 
Jameson silently whines, tilting his head back, bringing Jackie out of his thoughts. 
“Bet it hurts. Holding it in.” Jackie takes one of his hands back and drags it down, down right above where his cock is, near his belly. He presses down and Jameson gasps, squirming. 
“Poor bladder all full,” Jackie says, coming out more as a gasp than words, rubbing his t-dick over Jameson’s own dick, the only thing separating them being very, very slick fabric. 
“But you’ll be my good boy and hold it for just a big longer, right?”
Jameson whimpers up at him, eyes squeezing closed. He doesn’t want to wait. But he’s good. He’s obedient. He will hold it. 
Jackie grins down at his puppy, so perfect, shivering underneath him. The anticipation is killing him, but he supposes this is what it’s all about. 
It’s about a minute of grinding later–a minute of Jackie removing his other hand from his puppy’s neck so he can brace himself on either side of him and grind against him, his sweet thing–when Jackie finally gets up off of him. 
Jameson’s collar is one of those things they put on, leave on for a day or two, then take it off when there’s company over. It’s usually not packed away with their other toys considering how much it’s used. Luckily the blue leather collar is sitting right on the nightstand, which Jackie doesn’t hesitate to snatch. 
The collar is on in practiced motions, pulling the soft leather through the buckle, Jameson being so good and lifting his head for Jackie. The heart-shaped tag lays against his big t-shirt. 
“What a pretty boy you are,” Jackie mumbles, sitting up to tower over him. Jameson lays back and instinctively spreads his legs a little, pulling his knees to his chest. He’s panting. He’s twitching with effort to not go before his master says. It’s probably just for show, Jackie knows, and he doesn’t really have to pee that bad. But oh, it’s absolutely precious. 
Jackie’s boxers are so slick he’s a bit sick of wearing them. So he takes them off. Jameson watches hungirly as strings of slick cling to his cunt as he peels off the briefs. Fuck, his t-dick is throbbing. 
With everything exposed, Jackie resumes his position against Jameson, more desperate than before, rubbing his folds against his still-clothed cock, hard and starting to leak through his boxers. It feels good, but the anticipation for what Jackie really wants kinda ruins it. 
He thinks he’s ready. He didn’t realize he needed to mentally prepare himself for indulging in an embarrassing kink, but here we are. 
Jackie leans up. Jameson is panting, thoroughly turned on now, and for a moment, thrusts his hips up, missing Jackie’s touch. Adorable. 
“Stupid thing,” Jackie mutters softly, “bet you’re excited to go. Excited to piss all over me like the dirty pet you are, aren’t you?”
Jameson whimpers quietly, his thighs coming together slightly. 
Jackie stands. His feet feel almost unsteady on the carpet. “Okay. Come here.” 
He slides his left arm around Jameson’s back, and then catches his right beneath his puppy’s knobby knees. Picks him up. And carries him, bridal style to the bathroom. Thank god it’s right across the bedroom. Jackie is going to explode if they don’t get things rolling now. 
The light is flicked on. It feels too bright. Jackie thinks he would prefer to do this in the dark, hiding his shame as it were, where no one can see. But he wants to watch it happen, if he were completely honest with himself. Jackie sits Jameson in the bathtub. His face is flushed and he can see the excitement in his eyes, dark hair over his forehead and his bulge prominent through his boxers. Jackie crawls in with him and slides so he's on his back, legs spread, cock and cunt red and angry and dripping. 
“Okay,” Jackie breathes out. He’s finding catching his breath hard. “Okay, puppy, come here. I will tell you when you can go. Come here.” 
Jameson, obedient, good, climbs on top of Jackie and starts grinding against him again. Jackie can tell he wants to fuck him. He won’t unless Jackie gives him permission. 
Here in the tub, Jackie sees the sweat on his brow. He’s nervous. Now that they’re in the bathroom, it seems way more real. 
Jackie is nineteen again. He’s riding his huge dildo, finally able to push it in at least halfway. He’s in the shower, having it suctioned to the floor. It feels fucking amazing. His face is red as the video he watched earlier replays in his mind, over and over. He really, really needs to pee. 
“Cock out,” Jackie orders Jameson, “Now.” 
His puppy wastes no time in pulling down his boxers, his cute dick springing out, hard and flushed and leaking. Jameson is shaking. “Please,” he begs, “please let me go. I want to go so bad…” He pushes his hips forward and presses the head against Jackie’s t-dick. Fuck, that’s good. It makes Jackie make another one of those pathetic whining noises.
Jackie is nineteen again. He wants to go all over this stupid dildo in the shower and make a big mess. His mother isn’t home. He lifts himself off the cock and rubs himself on it. He’s moaning. He’s shaking. He’s embarrassed. But he wants this. Oh, it’s so dirty but he wants it. 
Jameson is rubbing and sliding his dick over Jackie’s little one, grasping it in a shaking hand, running it all over his lips and his hole and Jackie’s dripping so bad slick is sliding down his ass and this is so embarrassing but he wants it, he wants it, he wants it. 
Jackie sits up a bit. He wants to watch. His legs are shaking. He grabs Jameson by the thighs and positions him where he wants him. This is happening. Oh, god, this is happening.
“Don’t get it in my hole,” he gasps out, “don’t want an infection.”
Jameson’s eyes are wide. Jackie can tell he’s nervous too.
“Go on,” Jackie practically whispers, “I want it. I want it. Go ahead. You can let go now.” 
Jackie is nineteen. Jackie presses his cunt against the dildo. Jackie imagines a man, a real one, a cis one, beneath him. He lets go.
Jackie is twenty-seven. And Jameson is pissing on him. 
It’s loud. Jameson is whimpering pathetically, eyes squeezed shut, face red in embarrassment. It’s warm. It doesn’t stop. It sprays from Jameson’s cock onto Jackie’s stomach and inner thighs and on his t-dick. It’s absolutely disgusting. Jackie is shaking in ecstasy. 
Oh, god. 
Jackie becomes aware of the sounds he’s making. It’s a high pitched warbling moan of sorts. He spreads his legs further, the stream hitting his cunt. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. 
“Dirty, fucking mutt, going all over me, such a nasty thing you are, oh, oh, that’s it, good boy, oh–”
Jackie is shaking so fucking bad. He can’t stop looking, eyes glued to his puppy’s spraying cock. It is single-handedly the hottest thing he’s ever experienced. As well as the least sanitary. He might have to talk to Henrik about this one. He’s not thinking of that right now. Jameson’s head is back, pretty throat and collar on display as he empties his bladder all over Jackie. 
Jameson’s stream slows, then finally stops. He’s shuddering. Jackie is trembling. They both breathe, loud and ragged. 
“Puppy.” 
Jameson looks up, a bit nervous. Jackie licks his dry lips, voice ragged. Shaking, shaking. 
“That was amazing.”
Jameson smiles a bit in relief, happy to have done this for Jackie. 
Trembling hands make their way down. Jackie’s entire lower body is covered in piss. He feels dirty and disgusting. He feels like when he was nineteen, shaking in the shower, watching his own piss go down the drain, pussy still dripping, his t-dick small but throbbing. He didn’t stop shaking for a while, and told himself he probably wouldn’t do something so gross with a partner. It’ll just be his own private little fantasy. 
But now. Now it’s far past a fantasy. 
Jameson is looking at him. His eyes are wanting. And Jackie’s cunt is aching. 
“Daddy wants your cock, now.” 
It comes out desperate. Jackie is finding it hard to care. 
It’s heaven when the head of Jameson’s cock breaches his sopping wet hole. He’s getting some kind of infection from this, he knows, but he needs to cum so badly he doesn’t think he minds.
Jameson’s mouth drops open, his eyes closing, pressing his cock in deeper. He’s not particularly big, Jackie has dildos bigger by several inches, but it’s the fact that it’s him, the fact that it's his sweet boy’s cock fucking into him that makes it satisfying. 
Jackie wraps his legs around his pet, bringing him closer. Jameson tries easing into it, but both of them are so ready to get off his hips start thrusting faster and faster, deeper and deeper until both of them are panting and shaking, Jameson bracing himself on the sides of the tub, chests almost touching. 
Jackie pushes their foreheads together and goes in for a messy kiss. Jameson easily reciprocates, letting Jackie press his tongue against his own. 
Jackie feels himself getting close quicker than he thought. Jameson pulls out, seemingly the same way, grasping his cock and rubbing the head against Jackie’s swollen t-dick, side to side, faster and faster, the sounds loud and lewd. 
“Oh, fuck,” Jackie gasps out, “yes, oh, fuck me, make me cum puppy, be a good boy, cum all over me, oh, oh–” 
He cums first. He doesn’t recognize the sound he makes. Long, whiny, trill, ending in a gasp, Jackie gasping for air, legs shaking, and he desperately tries to watch Jameson  while he rides out his orgasm, he wants to see him cum, and he does, oh, it’s thick and drips all over Jackie’s cunt and stomach, hot and white, Jameson trembling through it, eyes squeezed closed and neck exposed, the metal of his pretty collar glinting off the light. 
The gasps are ragged. They are both shaking. Jackie spreads his legs as far as they’ll go, everything on display. 
“Puppy,” he whimpers, because he doesn’t know what to say, because he wants to go too, he wants to release on Jameson’s dick, return the favor as it were, just like in his fantasies of having a man beneath him and releasing. He knows how good it’ll feel. He knows. He wants it. 
He licks his lips. His mouth is dry. He’s still shaking. “Puppy, daddy wants to go too. Real bad.” 
He doesn’t know what he’s asking for in particular. But Jameson seems to understand. He pulls Jackie up. He shifts around so when he leans back he doesn’t hit his head on the faucet. Jackie positions himself so he’s sitting on Jameson’s cock, trying to not sit right on his balls, but enough to feel his length between his lips. Oh god. Oh, fuck, this is happening.
Jackie closes his eyes. He lets his bladder go. All over Jameson’s cock.
It’s a noisy spraying sound, but the moan he lets out is louder. He could cum again, just from this. Jameson rubs soothing patterns into his hips with his thumbs. It feels good. It feels so, so fucking good, especially when he wiggles a bit and rubs his oversensitive t-dick against the head of Jameson’s cock, his stream of fluid spraying all over it.
You’re disgusting. Dirty. This is filthy. You should be ashamed. 
Jameson’s thumb comes down to play with Jackie’s dick, barely rubbing it, and it’s too much, too much, Jackie cums again, he didn’t think he actually would be able to, but he does, the last streams of piss spraying out, all over Jameson, his dirty puppy, his face is so red, but he’s being such a good boy, oh god, it feels so good, so good, Jackie riding out his orgasm with shaking thighs and pathetic moans leaving his mouth. 
They stay that way for a moment. Panting. Jackie hears fluid going down the drain. He thinks he’s crying. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. 
Jackie lowers himself down. On top of Jameson. He couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else on the planet. He doesn’t realize he’s praising him out loud. He kisses Jameson, gentle, thankful. 
“--so good for me, so perfect, my filthy piss slut, such a good boy, it felt so good, I’ve been wanting to do this for so, so long, such a good puppy for daddy, so good–”
Jackie kisses and praises and Jameson shivers beneath him for god knows how long. Maybe until they’ve stopped shaking. At some point they stand up and peel off their remaining soggy clothes. They start the shower. Jameson is washed up well with Jackie’s soapy hands, cleaning himself as well as he can. 
They get out. Dry off. Jackie holds his puppy’s hand when they go back to the bedroom, piss-covered clothes left behind. They’ll deal with that later. The collar is taken off and placed back on the nightstand. They get dressed. The sun is beginning to make itself known, the bedroom ever so slightly lit blue. They crawl into bed. 
Jameson falls asleep quick. The mindless patterns being traced on Jackie’s chest slow to a stop, fingers flattening, Jameson’s breaths even out. 
Jackie, on the other hand, is exhausted, yet absolutely wired. 
He never thought he would do this. It felt so good. It was so dirty. But so good. 
He falls asleep wondering exactly how he’s going to ask Henrik about urine-related infections. He falls asleep wondering how in the hell he managed to land with someone willing to do this with him. He falls asleep content. He falls asleep. 
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weareallsmallandstupid · 6 months ago
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I think my TV might be glowing too
About a month ago I saw a movie called I Saw the TV Glow (directed by Jane Schoenbrun, spoilers ahead).
I tought it was an incredible movie. I saw some people on the internet say that it's one of those movies that either you get it, or you don't.
And that if you think that you get it, but you are cis, then you don't actually get it.
In my short life (I'm 23) I've always identified as a woman, and a lesbian. The conversation about my gender identity is something that I try to avoid inside my own brain, because I'm simply not ready to have it. But I avoid it consciosly, and I'm at peace with it for the time being. I rarely call myself a woman or a girl, but I'm okay with people perceiving me as one.
So when I first saw the movie I was like: I think it's a perfect movie, but I don't know if I get it at 100%, because it was not made for me. And I was totally okay with that.
After a couple of days, I kept thinking about this movie. All the time. It was like my brain knew there was something more for me, that I couldn't quite grasp the first time. So I rewatched it. And again. And again. And again.
It had become my Pink Opaque. My Tv kept glowing.
But I didn't understand why I was so obsessed with it, until I started reading a book called Unmasking Autism (written by Dr. Devon Price).
I recently discovered that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. I started therapy to understand what that means for me specifically, and then I started reading this book.
(In the book the author talks about how being in the closet and masking can be very similar experiences. You hide, consciously or unconsciously, your true self from others and sometimes from yourself too)
And then I finally unterstood why I felt so attached to this movie: it was actually talking about me, just not in the way I was expecting and ready to avoid.
Being neurodivergent and masking all your life to me feels exactly like somewhere there is a version of me that I can't quite reach. Once I discovered what masking is I started to understand that I am trapped in the midnight realm, that I am watching my life from a distance and that this isn't how life is supposed to feel.
I know that there is an unmasked version of me somewhere, but it's so deeply repressed, probably ashamed, lonely and scared that I don't know how to get to her. But everytime I try to live, to interact with people, they way I'm "supposed to" or the way I learnt how to, I see this little version of me trapped inside a snowball watching me from afar and asking herself "why is she behaving like that? I wouldn't do that. That's not me. That's not what I would say or think".
There are two versions of me and they are both sad all the time. And I have no idea of who I really am.
I just know that I really loved this movie, and this is the beauty of cinema: the same film can mean very different things to different people. And this one meant a lot to me.
And for both my process of unmasking and my future conversation about my gender identity I guess There is still time.
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velvetvexations · 4 months ago
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gender is so silly. i dont want to look like a girl because im transmasc but i DO want to look like a guy who looks like a girl. always fun when reading/watching something and they get to a crossdressing bit with one of the men and i feel some sort of way about it
This is exactly what TRFs would be down your throat about fetishizing transmisogynistic caricatures but I'm telling you it's okay and I'm the only person worth listening to on any subject.
I want to look like a girl who looks like a guy myself, but that's difficult to find. A vocal minority of the internet insists it's praxis to misgender cis men as often as possible but it's still considered a devastating and disgusting insult to say a woman looks masculine. I think Rhea Ripley is cool enough she'd be understanding if not entirely flattered that most of the reason I relate to her so much is that I was convinced she must have been a trans woman on sight.
But even with actual trans women, then it's even worse, which sucks because I do a happy little clap when I clock another correctly. Awhile ago I saw someone listing out signs a girl is AMAB to be a transphobic asshole but all I could think was about how ecstatic I'd be for someone to tell me those things, I'd just straight up be like "thank you for noticing!" like someone asked if I had my hair done.
I think that's what it means to me to be a male woman. Most trans women would obviously prefer to pass, and there are butch trans women, but I don't know if many of them conceptualize their butchness as being a feature of the body that got them AMAB or if it's just the same sense of style as butch-identifying cis women. For me it's very much the former. I'm loud and proud that my body is the kind that was assigned male. I don't intend to imply that must mean trans women who want to pass, or who don't center that physicality, hate themselves or anything, it's just a different path.
When I was younger I wanted so badly to look less masculine. The fact that I couldn't is, I think, a large part of why I eventually flipped the script and went all in on being masc, but most trans women who can't physically transition are either going to kill themselves or continue being miserable forever, and that sucks so much.
Even now, when I say I've been getting cooler with body hair lately, that doesn't mean I'm proud of or enjoy the hair on my actual body, but am more into the idea of my sona's design potentially having body hair in the future. I'm completely disassociated with this body entirely, which pre-dates me embracing masculinity. At a certain point, not being able to look the way I wanted to (feminine, then hyper-androgynous) made me snap and just fully break off from the physical world. This is especially true of Rally, the cis woman in our system, because the others feel themselves in this body but simply don't have a mental image of it at all, but she feels entirely removed even when fronting.
And as I noted before, my two examples of people I want to look like, particularly in regards to being visibly AMAB, were a clocky cis woman and a guy who the internet calls a faggot a million times a day, so there's still femininity there, androgyny.
Presentation sure is a thing.
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meraki-yao · 1 year ago
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Is this a safe place? I sort of want to get something off my chest, but I have to do it anon because I’m scared. I’m a straight girl and a huge rwrb fan, and thus also a big fan of TZP and Nick. Lately I’m feeling more and more alienated in most of the fandom and I’m afraid I’m the problem? It’s just all this talk about topping and bottoming and what that means for how the characters are perceived that I absolutely do not get? Is it empowering in some way I’m not getting, because if not the feminist in me is sort of appalled.
It’s more or less the idea that bottoming is a little humiliating in a way that needs to be made jokes about that is bothering me. Like the bottom is always a little pathetic or desperate (like how women have historically been portrayed), and we should snicker when the top (or anyone) publicly «calls them out» for bottoming? Obviously not everyone does this but I see it more and more? And when it was just in fics and art I kept my mouth shut because I think that should be a free space, but now I see it in how the actors are talked about too. Like Alex is the top so TZP is made out to be hypermasculine and Henry was the bottom so Nick is either babied or made fun of? It’s bad for both imo. Why can’t tzp be babygirl sometimes and the focus be on his soft sides? All I see is talk about his body and how everyone wants him to top them. And then there’s Nick and how people are saying they are uncomfortable watching him act as a top in M&G, saying he will always be a bottom and that he is a slut etc. If it was an actress or female characters getting that treatment I would riot. And I guess I am a bit now in my cowardly anon way. Am I alone in feeling frustrated about this? Is it bad that I am? Please help me understand if I’m in the wrong.
Thank you for reaching out to me. As long as you’re respectful and not hurtful, you’re welcome here.
Actually, I’ve kind of wanted to write an essay on gay sex and the perception of gender in same-sex couples for a while now! So this might sound kind of academic, bear with me.
Preface: I identify as a straight cis girl, but I’ve been consuming both western and Asian queer media, both fiction and real person for years. This is my understanding of the matter, and I’m trying to be as sensitive and empathetic as I can be, but please note at the end of the day, I am not directly part of the queer community, therefore there may be certain things I miss, or a queer person will tell you otherwise. Also literally all my knowledge of sex comes from the internet, because Chinese culture literally does not talk about this at all. I gave my sister the talk instead of our parents. So please take what I say with a pinch of salt.
Also gonna talk about sex in an academic manner, but it’s still sex, so here’s your nsfw warning!
Ok here we go:
The power dynamic in sex position is fundamentally biological: the penetrator controls the pace and intensity of the act, thus is the active participant; the penetrated is in turn the passive. This is just the mechanics of the act: The penetrated, be it the woman in a straight couple or the bottom in a gay couple is put in the more vulnerable position, therefore the top, as the active participant is perceive as having more power, while the bottom as the passive participant is perceived as having less power.
And there are historical records of this perception: in ancient Greece, there was a common romantic dynamic called pederasty, a romantic and sexual relationship between an older man (the erastes/ to love) who acts as the active, dominant participant, aka the top, and a younger boy/ a teenager (the eromenos/ beloved) who acts as the passive, submissive participant, aka the bottom. It is speculated that this is the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus. This practice was understood as educative, as a means for the older man to teach the younger “how to be more manly as to grow up into a man”. THAT BEING SAID BY TODAY’S STANDARDS THIS IS PEDOPHILA AND DEFINITELY NOT OKAY. On top of that, the perception of being gay in ancient Rome is “it’s okay if you’re gay, as long as you’re the top”. My point is this power imbalance when it comes to same-sex relationships has existed for a very, very long time.
But the thing is a lot of things have advanced in the past centuries, and the perception of sex and gender is one of them.
So firstly in terms of sex, people are much more flexible in terms of the power dynamics, which is where terms like “switch” (can be either top or bottom), “power bottom” (the penetrated controls the pace and intensity of the act) , “service top” (the penetrator focused on their partner’s needs and wishes instead of their own) and the whole BDSM category (which I’m personally not informed about or interested in). So I would say we’re mostly past the point of humiliating bottoms or perceiving bottoms as inherently weak, and use bottom more in terms of the mechanics.
That being said, the power being more balanced does not immediately take away the gender perception of the dynamic.
Since when comparing a gay couple’s sex act with a straight couple’s sex act, the woman has to be in a penetrated position as per biology and anatomy (at least traditionally speaking), the association drawn between the bottom and the woman becomes easy to make. In fact in China, all bottoms, regardless of gender/sexuality, are referred to with female terms, like “wife”, “princess”, “queen” etc. So bottoms tend to be feminized, or at least viewed as more effeminate. Again, this has changed and made more flexible/free in modern times, but this trend is still present.
But when it comes to applying the terms on the boys, something involved is also the audience’s own perception and understanding of gender representation. “Babygirl” is more referring to the “cute” kind of attractiveness than actually babying him, which with given material, tends to apply more to the perception and presentation of Nick than Taylor. That being said I have seen Taylor/Alex being referred to babygirl as well. It’s a little rare but it’s present. I wouldn’t really say Taylor’s hypermasculine either, but in relatively, his style and manners lean more towards the masculine side of the spectrum. But again it’s a matter of perception. Are the gendered terms used on the boys affected by the dynamic of their characters? To some degree, yes. But it’s also sometimes a genuine commentary on their own style as themselves.
As for Geroge, I personally haven’t seen those comments, but the problem with the comments lies in associating George with Nick as an individual and Henry as an individual: as in, they’re not treating George as George, they’re treating George as Nick, which might be why they have such comments. That being said, this is a piece of media, so each to their own.
I think the last thing I’m gonna say to end this is that please remember that this is all subjective perception. If you see something different, then that’s just what you see. Try seeing someone else’s perspective, and if you tried and it didn’t work, then let it be. You’re not in the wrong, it’s ok that you’re frustrated, but at least I don’t think the situation is as harmful as you might see it to be. These types of comments often are throwaway thoughts, so there’s also the question on how serious a comment is.
Hope this helped! Feel free to shoot me another ask if you still have questions.
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skypiea · 9 months ago
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the only reason “egg joke” discourse exists is because those keeping it alive have a terrible case of “I am uncomfortable when we are not about me?” disease. This crowd will see a tweet where a trans woman makes a joke about her friend in her friendgroup with whom she is, presumably, friends, and feel compelled to put themselves into the scenario which they were never invited into. They say, well, if it was ME that she said that about, and also we aren’t friends, because I don’t know her, then I think it would be absolutely terrible and invalidating. Ok. Well, you aren’t her friend. You’ll likely never be her friend, because you are intent on putting every trans woman you see into a situation where she prematurely owes you an apology before she’s even met you.
If you see a tweet where a woman lightheartedly observes someone in public doing something that was an early step in her own transition, and making a cheeky little remark into the post celebrating being transgender, and your first instinct is to berate her and try to protect the (hypothetical) cis man she never even spoke to, you have an issue to reflect on inside yourself. Especially if you have no issue reblogging post after post about how all weird little girls who play in the mud at recess will become trans men when they grow up.
You can truly see how self obsessed this discourse is by the strawwomen these people invent for it. When there’s not a transgender woman directly in front of them to pin blame on, they’re forced to invent one. They posit, well, I’d be very uncomfortable if a trans woman said this to me about my gender! …Has a trans woman ever said that you? Other than the one you made up in your head to feel angry at?
And even if, by some stretch of the imagination, a transgender woman genuinely tried to dictate your gender identity… This is called a “bad experience”. When I was younger, and more dependent on labels than I’ve become, I met someone in an irl queer space. They insisted that I should identify as pansexual rather than bisexual because of my attraction to nonbinary individuals. Both at the time and in retrospect, this was an uncomfortable experience. But it is not something I hold against every pansexual person on the planet, because that would be, frankly, unhinged behavior. It was a singular bad experience with a single person who directly presumed to understand me better than I do.
Do not seek to punish every trans woman for the crime of celebrating transness by spewing slightly reskinned conservative scare points in their general direction. Not every post on the internet is about you.
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spidermanifested · 1 year ago
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this is not my usual type of post but ive been rotating some thoughts and i guess my blogs as good a place as any to get them organized. okay so this is basically my take on the entire discourse surrounding the "feminine (presumed cis lets be honest) women are uniquely oppressed for being feminine/making female characters quote unquote Less Feminine is antifeminist" thing. which i keep seeing come up. on this internet of ours
context being im a trans guy. grew up largely seen by others as female, probably, sort of. was about as far from a cishet womans feminine as you can imagine. not in a cool tomboy way. not in a way that society had a box for. and thats the thing, is that when you fail at gender, whether youre conscious of it or not, theres this extremely profound loneliness that comes with it. part of it was the autism but i made like 6 real-life friends total from ages 4 to 18 and there were no examples of anyone with an even remotely adjacent experience i could find in the media or irl. anytime a female character skirted a little too close to actual masculinity in a tv show or movie shed get that makeover eventually. i was bullied by both boys and girls but the girls who bullied me were uniformly very feminine.
and so i see people talking about how hard feminine women and girls have it, how the world hates them for being beautiful, and on the one hand its like okay, Misogyny Exists. thats not really refutable thats just the reality of it. society hates women. and as for eurocentric femininity specifically i understand its a hard tightrope to walk!!! you have to put on all these masks BUT make them seem natural, youre forced into these narrow boxes of acceptable behavior and appearance and desires, and if you under- or over-shoot then people get reminded the whole thing is a farce and get mad (often violently!) at YOU for it
........but then my thing is, that on one side of the tightrope, the "overperforming eurocentric femininity" side, the tradwife or girlboss or blonde bimbo side, theres an entire history of structural trope-crafting to break your fall, right. like its a shitty box but its the box society WANTS you to be in. they look at you and go "yep thats a woman. we dont like those but that sure is one". there are known social niches to carve out. theres a script.
on the unfeminine side theres just. nothing. its stone cold concrete down there. and apparently twitter would have you believe its actually that the "more masculine" somebody presumed female appears the more society respects them but that to me is the wildest and most nonsense take on the planet because if people see you as a woman or girl who has not taken the needed steps to justify your place as one of those things you might as well be an alien, or even a monster. theres no script at all. and i feel like this is one of the major experiences that trans and gnc people of every gender share-- god knows trans women get the brunt of the vitriol-- and from my knowledge a lot of nonwhite people too, and also fat and disabled people, like. there are SO many things that affect your ability to achieve even a fraction of success at this aspirational femininity.
ive had to see people for real make the argument that princess peach making an angry face is masculine. i think the most masculine woman anyone on twitter can imagine right now is like a businesswoman in a form-fitting pantsuit and light mascara. maybe the struggle of succeeding at femininity under patriarchy deserves exploration, ive seen plenty of coherent and reasonable points, its not without worth as a discussion. but i do not trust the general public with the topic without immediately sliding into bog standard gender policing and transphobia, and so in closing, when the mainstream feminist take on the whole thing seems to be "the more you perform the femininity expected of you the worse you have it", i get the sensation that nobody told me it was opposite day and im about to feel real silly
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jellybeanium124 · 4 months ago
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once upon a time I was a skinny white child who liked drawing. consequently, I drew a lot of self portraits and a lot of doodles of characters who looked like me: other skinny white children. I have so, so many OCs from my youth I used to draw comics about, and all of them are skinny white children. then I got a little bit older, and became a skinny white teenager. I had boobs now, though, so I had to learn how to draw boobs if I wanted to keep drawing accurate self-portraits. so I learned how to draw skinny white teenage cis girls. then in late high school thru my first year of uni, I put on a bit of weight and went from being properly skinny to more medium sized, so if I wanted to keep drawing accurate self portraits I had to learn how to draw people who were medium sized. so I did.
and at this point I was an adult, and became more aware of my failings as an artist. I realized I was so used to drawing cis women that I didn't know how to draw an adult with a more traditionally masculine body. I didn't like that I only knew how to draw one kind of nose. so I challenged myself. I learned how to draw men. I learned how to draw different kinds of noses. I learned how to draw fat people and muscular people. I looked up reference images and challenged myself to learn how to draw different Black hairstyles. I watched our flag, and realized I only knew how to draw young people, so I learned how to draw middle aged and old people.
I'm not perfect, and I'm still learning and growing as an artist. as all of these things were happening, I was also trying to learn proportions, how to draw people at different angles and in different positions, or even how to add necks that look right and hands with fingers. anyone who's seen my art knows that it's cute and nice, but not professional level or something anyone would pay for. I'm not trying to make money, I'm trying to become a better for the sake of my own growth as an artist.
I'm not mad at myself or wracked with guilt for spending my entire childhood drawing skinny white kids. kids are naturally self-centered, and I also happened to look exactly like what society deems a "normal" girl. of course I was going to draw people who look like me. that's normal. it's also normal, to say, be 11 or 12 and beg your parent for the "how to draw anime" book and learn how to draw anime characters from it. that book will also only teach you how to draw skinny young people.
but we don't stay kids forever. we grow up, and as an adult artist, it is your responsibility to learn how to draw diverse people along every axis. challenge yourself. it's ok if it's a challenge at first, or if the drawings turn out bad. you don't have to post every drawing you make to the internet. but keep practicing!! the same way you eventually learned how to draw hands and feet, you will eventually learn how to draw diverse faces, bodies, hairstyles, ages, etc.
i's fun and easy to draw things you're comfortable and familiar with, but it's also fun to draw new things. when I draw something new and challenging, it lights up a different part of my brain that's excited to learn. humans naturally want to learn our entire lives. that's how we're built. I just don't understand how so many adult artists whose technical skills are leagues above mine can be happy with themselves knowing they can only draw twinks. don't you want to be able to do more? don't you want to be able to draw anybody? even if you're a very stylized artist like myself, don't you want to be able to capture people in your own style in a way that makes viewers think you captured how that person looks accurately? don't you want to learn and grow???
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gaz-light · 2 years ago
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CW: Me but ugly
Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.
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This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.
It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.
This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.
There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.
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And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.
Then I shaved.
I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.
Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".
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And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.
Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.
Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.
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skulltopcomputer · 1 year ago
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I Have So Much To Say About Transmasc Jake English
Disclaimer: This is my opinion- I definitely don’t think you have to interpret Jake this way, both gender and character-wise. Also, this is just for fun (I swear). Although I am interested in working in the confines of canon for as much as possible, I'm not trying to "prove" Jake is transmasc, I'm sure Hussie wrote him as a cis man. Content warnings under read more.
Content warning for discussions of transphobia and misogyny (if I need to add anything else let me know).
Just for context, I believe Jake realized he was a boy very early in his childhood. Thematically, it would be most appropriate shortly after Grandma English dies, so basically, as long as he's been old enough to understand the concept of "gender", he has known he is a boy. (I have a lot of ways that I think transmasc Jake would interact with the text of Homestuck, but that's all you really need to know for this post).
Also I’m going to talk about “the narrative” a lot here, which I'm mostly using to mean the perceived author of Homestuck, that is, the person who writes the narration, controls who to focus on and how the plot plays out, etc. I say "the narrative" instead of "Hussie" because 1. Hussie is a literal character within the comic and I'm not referring to them there and 2. I don't think they intended everything I'm going to say "the narrative" pushes here, even if their vitriol towards Jake was very much deliberate. It's important to have a term for this as Hussie's background as the specific type of Internet Poster they were greatly impacts how Homestuck is written- in Jake's case, how the reader is made to perceive his character.
OK onto the actual analysis.
(One of) the whole point(s) of Jake is that he conceptualizes himself in certain ways that aren't reflected in the reality of his actions. Specifically, he thinks of himself as some grandiose, charismatic action hero, even though in reality he’s just kind of a nerdy teen who watches movies all day. There are many reasons he views himself that way, but most relevantly to this post he’s raised solely on media to influence his worldview, and therefore both consciously and unconsciously assimilates the roles of movie character archetypes onto how he thinks of real people. This is easily mapped onto Jake’s perception of himself as a “man”, as (most of) the men he knows are the rough-and-tumble, kick ass adventure type. He thinks that since these are traits of men, and since he is a man, he must inherently be that way as well- even though in actuality, he's done very little to show it.
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By the narrative’s standards, Jake makes a lot of mistakes as someone who wants to be considered a “man”. He idolizes female heroes alongside male ones (most likely influenced by Grandma English’s being his first model of what a hero should be), even going so far as to dress like them. He’s not ashamed of his attraction to men. In fact, he's open about his attraction to what the narrative considers to be abnormal (I know in the real world, an attraction to "blue women" would be regarded as incredibly tame, but considering what Homestuck considers a furry it's safe to say the standard of deviance is rather low. I think the emphasis on Neytiri is meant to accentuate Jake's affinity towards blue woman as "weird", especially as the narration highlights her nonhuman anatomy and she's repeatedly described as "furry"). The narrative punishes him for these traits, often in ironic ways. He is given a skimpy, uncomfortable, god tier outfit meant to objectify him (reminiscent of how women are objectified in the movies he likes), he messes up his relationship with Dirk so bad he convinces himself he's not attracted to anyone*, and he is embarrassingly awkward with the real-life blue alien girl he meets. Sincerity, especially among male characters, is often unforgivable to Homestuck.
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*To clarify, what I think is happening when Jake says he's not "capable" of romantic attraction is that he's trying to convince himself he can't feel attraction, because he doesn't want to have a relationship where he hurts people/other people hurt him that bad ever again. I don't think it's "wrong" to interpret him as aromantic, and I especially don't think aromanticism should be treated as a "punishment". I just don't think of him as such.
Jake’s whole SBURB adventure is the narrative repeatedly, humiliatingly tearing down Jake’s perception of himself by placing him into situations wherein he is shown to fail to uphold it, both internally to the characters and externally to the reader. The “charismatic” part of his persona is all but demolished in his conversations with Aranea, as well as his relationships with the Alpha kids in the void session. In the Game Over timeline while Gamzee is fighting Terezi, all Jake can bring himself to do is politely ask him to stop. His most damning blow comes in his confrontation with Crockertier Jane, as he fails twofold at what a “man” would do in his place- he doesn’t want to fight her, and he doesn’t want to have sex with her. His admission of “not wanting to be a man and not wanting to punch her in the face” at BGD’s pestering is the narrative finally succeeding at pressuring him into admitting he’s too weak for the standards of masculinity imposed on him, or put another way, that he’s not a "man” at all. (Relevantly, BGD functions as both a Dirk [a character praised for his adherence to masculinity] analogue and Jake’s internal monologue, proving Jake is aware and ashamed of himself in the moment and that he thinks his friends would most likely judge him too). Once the narrative has proven Jake has failed at the standards of masculinity, it forces him into what he, and the reader, would understand as positions typically held by female characters in media (objectifying him, assaulting him, etc.).
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Jake is often treated as “silly” and “stupid”, both outright and insidiously. He's the kid who grew up on an island, isolated from society, and therefore doesn't understand how the world "really" operates. He also shares Caliborn's unspecified "learning disorder", which in the narrative's terms, is just another reason he's out of touch. The more characters who think of him as stupid or ignorant, the more Jake's autonomy is diminished- how can he claim to know anything about his identity when he so disconnected from reality? Jake's continual crying falls into this too, as large displays of emotions are often conflated with stupidity, or at the very least irrationality.
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All of this is so resonant for me as a transmasc person, especially since Homestuck is so influenced by internet culture. I was never a forum goer but I did a lot of digital self harm on Reddit and the sentiment that transmasc people are stupid, fanciful, confused teen girls that only want to be men because they want to imitate characters in media is (was? I try not to go on Reddit anymore) very common in those types of spaces. (This is amplified if you read Jake as autistic [as I do] as the “confused autistic teen girl” is unfortunately a very prevalent transphobic stereotype). Anyone who did not live up to a very specific caliber of toxic masculinity (wearing only masculine clothes, being attracted exclusively to women, repressing grand acts of emotions, etc.) was labeled as faking, and often subject to misogynistic harassment. I hope by now you can see how this connects to Jake.
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(One of the reasons) why John's conversation with Jake in Act 6 Act 6 is so important to resolving his character is that John shows Jake that there's more than one way to be a man. John introduces a new type of masculinity to Jake, that of a "side kick", evidently referencing Robin, as he contrasts this archetype with "bat man". He recontextualizes his outfit meant to objectify him as something this character would wear. Robin- and therefore this role of the "side kick"- is still very much a male character who is allowed to be male even though he's goofy instead of a chiseled, emotionally repressed paradigm of masculinity. Jake shows a lot of joy at inhabiting this idea.
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In summary, transmasc Jake is an extrapolation of the themes of how the narrative punishes Jake for not meeting the expectations of masculinity put upon him. There are other reasons why I view Jake as transmasc, but this is the most important one to me, as it's the most poignant. There are few stories that portray the experience of growing up on the internet, fewer specifically with a transmasculine lens, and even fewer that discuss the hardships of doing so in both cases. Ironically, the narrative's contempt towards Jake made for a more realistic, and therefore more evocative, experience for me.
Of course, not all transmasc people are going to view it that way, so please don't generalize. I like seeing negative experiences reflected in media, but not all people do.
This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg concerning both transmasc Jake and especially Jake analysis in general so hopefully more posts to come. Also, despite the fact I didn’t go into them much as characters in this post, know I am a staunch Jane and Dirk defender (crockertier Jane is not really representative of Jane and BGD is not really representative of Dirk. I also don't think Jake is perfect or anything). They are also both transmasc but that's a post for a different day.
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burning-sol · 1 year ago
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Too much of a pussy to interact the post directly but um. Re: genderbends and feminism
I think you’re entirely right to bring up how easy that passive hostility can become transphobia but I also think the idea that most genderbends are trans hcs is a bit of a spiders George moment. We (you and I) have cultivated a space we feel safe in that is predominantly populated by trans people who will talk about trans things- in the wider fandomspace there are still a lot of cis people who completely misunderstand what a genderbend has the potential to be. Obviously the years have brought good things and a lot has changed for the better, but there are still a lot of people who do in fact genderbend a dude character they like into a cis girl and you can tell by the way they write her they have no idea what they’re doing and generally little understanding of girls or girlhood. But attacking all genderbends and making the assumption that they’re all that is certainly not the way to go about it; like you said, a lot of people actually have trans hcs and sort of reclaim the r63 trend. But it is important to recognize there’s a larger problem of media not having girl characters with depth, or having those characters but they’re massively set aside for a dude. There’s no shame in enjoying the guy character more, speaking from experience, like you said let ppl on the internet do what they want. But also indulge taking a deeper look at the women, and recognize the bigger issue. I will defend every badly written woman with everything I have but I will also defend every fandom-decided transwoman with everything I have as well. They’re sisters. Super Sorry if this is a weird ask I felt like adding my perspective, bc ur right but I see. More
No need to belittle yourself, I know how anxiety inducing it can be to reply to something off anon, what matters is that you were polite and thoughtful. So lemme address your point. Post being talked about for context.
I think I did misword my post, you're absolutely right, but what I was trying to get across is that I suppose I hypothesise a lot of "genderbends" may only be perceived like that from the outside without the neccessary context. This is based on how I reflected on my own headcanons and how they can be outwardly percieved, and also my experience in fandom. For example, my interpretation of an AU character (William Wight) could easily be viewed as a genderbend without the context of personal thoughts and the fact I headcanon William Wisp (the og character) as PRE-transition, especially since another character from that AU I have genderbent. So it wasn't strictly about genderbending actually being trans headcanons, it's about how if you're without context, genderbending can be a misinterpretation of a trans headcanon.
But you're right, I too closely conflated them, giving overall the wrong message about genderbending and invalidating the feelings of people who just enjoy the trope without the trans aspect. There's a lot of people out there who genderbend not knowing anything about transness, that could easily be a misinterpretation, it was based on my experiences and not any hard data. I also projected onto the people reblogging that post that they wouldn't have the eye to make a disceration between the two.. Which, I have no clue either way, who knows. But thankfully, I don't think any of this takes away from the point being made or hurts anyone too severely. I hope that anyone who feels misrepresented can still understand the post regardless of how I may have offended them, because the underlying transphobia is the bigger issue. And also, to reinforce it again, I AGREE with OP in the right context, I think it's a real phenomena, but I try to be critical of posts if they start to widely circulate without anyone pointing out what can be a potentially harmful idea.
Also to consider as a note though: genderbending can be a precursor to being trans as a form of experimentation. So yes, it is still worth taking into the consideration what you're saying about people who genderbend characters, you have no idea what they're going through even if they claim not to be trans, things can change. But even further beyond that, I focused on trans people for obvious reasons, it's shitty to be targeting a minorty.. But if you're nodding along with my post like, "oh yeah, it's okay if TRANS people genderbend characters, but ANYONE ELSE isn't allowed to" umg. Well. That can still be transphobia, or just generally a dick thing to do. Again, I just think we shouldn't assume that misogyny is involved when there are other incredibly viable reasons for genderbending.
I didn't even bring it up because I didn't want to tbh, but, also a lot of people who genderbend are just.. Into that. That's also a notable reason but again, that wasn't the point.
Btw, this is all coming from the fandom where people rampantly post abt an mlm ship and overlook the other lead that is girl. So. I first hand have experienced the EXACT issue being discussed, but I still wouldn't wanna go and make the wide assertions OP was making. In the end, we are all people on the internet in our niches making assumptions about wider groups even if we don't actually know jack shit about each other. Hence I preach love and tolerate, and to generally not judge people.
I hope this was a decent response and maybe even added something to my previous post. Or maybe this was a jumbled schlock of nothing that went off the rails, I'm sorry if that's the case.
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semper-legens · 1 year ago
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170. The Shadow Cabinet, by Juno Dawson
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Owned: No, library Page count: 504 My summary: Her Majesty's Royal Coven is still dealing with the aftermath of the downfall of their previous leader. But all is not well in the county of Yorkshire. Leonie's brother is missing, probably gone after evil warlock Dabney Hale. Elle's husband is acting very strangely. Theo struggles to fit into school, between being a witch and being a trans girl. And Niamh Kelly is not who she seems... My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:
Ah, back to Her Majesty's Royal Coven. This is the second book in Juno Dawson's first series for adult readers, and though I am very much enamoured with her writing when it comes to YA fiction, HMRC left me a bit cold the first time I read it. I've discussed it with a friend (herself a trans woman) since, and she hit the nail on the head with her commentary - while she didn't think it was a bad book per se, she was disappointed at how it was aimed more at middle-aged cis women with book clubs than trans women. Trans women don't get so much fiction that is aimed specifically at them, after all. And I agree with her on this - a lot of Dawson's writing in this series trends towards what I call the 'baby's first' style of writing. By that, I mean that it introduces a social issue, but in a way that is meant to be for people who have absolutely no prior knowledge of or experience with that social issue. In this case, it's a combo of baby's first trans teenager and baby's first systemic oppression. None of this is by necessity bad. It's just not quite what I was expecting or looking for.
So yeah, as previously mentioned, the main protagonists of this book are middle-aged cis women, though trans teenager Theo does get some point of view time and her own B plot. This isn't necessarily meant to be a book about transness, but as I said, I'm still left a little disappointed by the lack of trans characters. That said, this book introduces an intersex witch who helps Leonie in her quest to find big bad Dabney Hale and her brother Radley, so that's an interesting addition at least. But for all I have complained about the focus being on said middle-aged cis women, it isn't as though Dawson writes them badly. On the contrary, she manages to perfectly walk the line of universality (everyone knows a woman who acts like at least one of these women) and specificity, where her characters still feel like full people with lives and stories that aren't just meant to be blandly relatable. Reading about them is fun! I particularly like housewife Elle, who learns of her husband's infidelity and winds up unlocking a part of her and a power that she wasn't aware of previously. It's an interesting idea and I want to see where it's going.
But the politics of this book are very baby's first. I get it, when you're writing about issues like women's rights and trans identity, particularly transfeminine identity, in a modern setting then there's no reason why your characters can't be spouting the modern social justice terminology when they talk about it. I just think that the messaging with the politics of the book was a little too clear-cut and unsubtle. I would have liked a little more ambiguity, and perhaps for the characters to not always talk like internet teens sometimes. At its worst, it just came across as clunky and obvious, and that's the kind of thing you really want to avoid in a book with these sorts of messages.
Like I said, the characters in this novel are engaging. Ciara is one of our main point of view characters, the sister of Niamh who took over her body and is now masquerading as her. The heel-face turn she is slowly making, plus her attempts to piece together her past and understand who she really is, are engaging, and her voice is a fun one to play with. Poor Theo gets a subplot where she is coming to terms with her magic and her transformation after the last book which raises some interesting ideas about dysphoria, identity, and gender as well as being really endearing. Leonie's determination in her quest to find her brother is strong, and Elle's more domestic problems are a slow tragedy that is nonetheless interesting to see unfold. I'm probably gonna end up reading the next book in this series when it comes out. I do still really like Dawson's writing. I'm just a little disappointed that this story could have been a lot more complex than it is.
Next up, back to CHERUB, as a plane crashes into the ocean.
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eos0anemone · 1 year ago
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Autism and social hierarchy
I want to start my blog with a topic that I have given a lot of thought during this last year specifically: understanding social hierarchy as an autistic person.
Social hierarchy is everywhere: school, family, workplace, internet, friends... Literally everywhere. When I was little and I used to watch american high school movies, I thought that the depiction of the populars (sportist, pretty, outgoing people) and the losers (nerd, 'ugly' and shy individuals) was very exaggerated and not realistic at all. Now that I'm a grown-up girl out of school, I can say to myself that this division does indeed exist. It is not as obvious and dumb as they make seem in those movies; it is noiseless, hypocrite and apparently intrinsical on neurotypical people, which makes it so hard for autistic individuals to understand it's existence, or completely grasp the reason it exists.
The truth is that the vast majority of neurotypical people, even the ones you consider your friends, move around the world under this omnipresent social hierarchy. The top of this social hierarchy (think of it as a pyramide) is reserved to those who have the most desirable characteristics: a person with strong presence, obviously extroverted and with lots of friends, rich, prototipically pretty, and even better if white/cis/straight. Deepdown, morality doesn't matter at all, and neither does having a great intelligence or sensibility: they only matter on a performance basis, and this performance excludes showing them in low or high levels (not desirable to be perceived as too dumb, too sensitive, a 'snowflake' or a know-it-all).
Everyone aspires to be on the top, because it is a sign of desirability, superiority and privilege. However, since it is not possible for everyone to be on it, neurotypicals try to approach the top as much as they can, and they do that by establishing any kind of relationships with people at higher levels and gaining sympathy points. Think of it as a visual novel where you gain affection through interactions with the characters; this is very similar, since these people who are at the top will view you better or worse depending on how much you have flattered them, interacted with them, and acted according to their criteria, the last one being very important. If you don't act or present like how they want you to do, you will not gain their sympathy; and that means that you will not either gain the sympathy of those who try to approach the people at top. In fact, they will want to knock you down as a sign of dominance.
As you can start to guess, this situation obviously leads to some kind of survival game about eat or being eaten. It leads to bullying, ostracism and rejection. And who loses the most at these types of games? Minorities, of course. And minorities who don't understand and/or are unable to adapt to/follow social neurotypical games are at greater danger, like autistic people.
You can genuinely believe that you are very good friends with a neurotypical person; but if a conflict happens between you and a person who has greater social level than you, there's a 99% that your friend will: a) not take any sides because "it's not their business", b) not take your side and justify it even if they have to lie to you or themselves, c) literally stop talking to you. Between you, an autistic individual who maybe is nice but has 0 social level, and a popular person with big influence, neurotypicals choose the second, and they do almost as if they were programmed to do so. You will not understand, because social hierarchy does not exist for you: you don't care about famous people, about rich influencers, or about those classmates who have 2k followers. You care about your friends, and if they are in a vulnerable position, you will choose them without any doubt; but sadly, it's highly probable that the feeling isn't mutual.
In my case, I understand the concept of social hierarchy, but I don't understand why it has to exist. For me everyone is the same, money doesn't matter, looks doesn't matter, but personality and morality does. But I realized when I was a young teenager that people didn't think the same as me. Since I was a very perceptive and intelligent girl who did a lot of masking, I eventually learned how to act with people my age to at least not gain their dissaproval. Did it work? Yeah, it did, because I was a very good actress. However, I didn't gain their approval either, and it took me time and conflicts to realize it. When we were classmates, the role I genuinely gave to a lot of people was that of a good friend, or at least, a colleague I had a good relationship with; I was too naive and thought that the way I viewed my friendships was reciprocal. However, a lot of people actually just gave me the role of an adorable submissive pet who let them copy my homework, didn't have an opinion of her own and overall was 'very cute', 'very shy', 'very innocent'. Everytime I acted following my moral for once, the result I gained was ostracism and even some strong insults - those are stories I will explain another day.
Did my then friends defend me on these situations? Yes and no. One of them defended me because we were together on the ostracism; but time later, when I confronted a person with way bigger status, he did not back me up even though I was telling the truth. The friends I had on secondary school gave me a pat on my shoulder when I was rejected by my group, but kept talking in good terms with the same people who deeply hurt me. Would I do the same to then? No, and I never did. But that's the curse that comes with being an autistic person who will never understand nor have a good position at neurotypical social hierarchy. Ride or die doesn't really exist when it comes to us, unless you befriend other neurodiverse people.
No matter how good you try to accomodate to this structure, you will never receive any good things from it. It is a hard reality to face, especially during high school, but once you break free from it, things really become better for your mental health and your relationships; and while it is possible to have a good relationship with neurotypical people, it is also prone to disappointments, unilaterality (on both sides for different aspects) and miscommunication.
This is the end of the post, I will return tomorrow with more things to say ♡.
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leadfeathers · 2 years ago
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Oh Lordt.
Parents came up for a weekend and wanted to see a baseball game. Went to game and it’s pride night. My parents are “straight people don’t get a whole month” kind of people. I told my mom we have Toyotathon.
Next day we go to small town nearby to shop and bop. What’s that? Small festival with food trucks? Great let’s go! Pride festival. We get a beer and rainbow wristbands and walk around. Dad can’t quite stand it. Not sure if he has something against pride festivals or if he’d just been standing too long. Hard To Say.
Mom wants to go to a Saturday night church service. Only Lutheran church with a service is a Everyone is Welcome here type church where they are celebrating pride month, Father’s Day, and Juneteenth all in one. There is a talk from a mom about her daughters transition. There are new bathroom signs they are proud of. The service goes way long as a woman is giving a Very Intense Sermon that is actually her life story and by the end I’m sobbing because her brother died after contracting HIV. We have to skip out early because it’s the longest Lutheran service I’ve been to. Longer than a Christmas service. And we have reservations for dinner so we gotta go.
I’d like to state for the record that I was not planning on giving my parents the talk about this stuff this weekend.
I was told hey we’re coming down come to a baseball game.
We’re in the car. Drivin. I’m stressing. I’m fielding comments about People. I’m trying my best. But guys I’m straight. I’m cis. I’m never right. I don’t use the right words. And my mom is asking me to explain it all. Pronouns. What are they. Nonbinary. Intersex. She has combined NB and trans in her mind. Do all trans people use they/them? Nobody introduces themselves with pronouns do they? Dads cutting in with Comments.
She just feels like people are spending all day walking around talking about who they want to have sex with! Or at least that’s what tv is telling her. I try to explain that it actually comes up very little. It can be as easy as someone just letting you know they are going through some medical changes. Maybe needing some help with those changes. Or maybe you need to learn a new name. Like how when someone changes their maiden name and it’s hard to make the switch but very expected and you know it’s rude to do it wrong.
And guys maybe I got through to her? I tried some jokes. I tried to keep it on the level of: we don’t want to deliberately hurt people and everyone is different and if they want you to call them a certain name or refer to them as a boy or a girl then that’s kind and pretty simple. No one has the same life experience so I just trust them to tell me about themselves and we go from there. She agreed with that of course.
The church was a bit weird. There wasn’t really anything church focused there at all and it had kind of culty vibes. They were talking a TON about their inclusivity work but never once mentioned any disability inclusion. Which was the one demographic that that very white Minnesotan congregation could probably understand the best. We chatted about that and how that can make us feel like outsiders. Both of them wear hearing aides now and obviously we have my brother who is severely disabled. So that was a bit of a touchstone for them.
My guys I’m so exhausted tho. I always feel like I’m trying so hard with them. To combat the shit they hear from their friends and the rest of our family. They love people and I think delight in silliness and uniqueness. And they’ve got this crazy wall on this one issue. I just think I’m the only person they know who tries to explain it to them.
I just want my parents to be nice people. I’m a little worried about my dad. Since he’s retired I think he gets more and more of his life from the internet. And his adhd brain and dyslexia combine to make him skip around from weird inflammatory headline to inflammatory headline making up shit and drawing conclusions as he goes.
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