#yes. this is why i still identify as a scholar.

[wordrummager]

Dogstar (“going on a dream”)

Beneath a dark and twinkly sky, she watched and waited as her breath tried keeping pace with the night wind. It was a quiet battle.

“Can we talk about just one star?” she asked the scholar who had set up a telescope and was busy adjusting settings by torchlight, ready to locate and identify constellations. He paused and looked at her as she stood quietly, looking up into night. “Just one star in such a big sky?” he asked, ready to regale her with dozens of names and hopefully as many stories. 

She only nodded. It was so quiet, still. Just a soft wind through the valley. He looked at his telescope and pile of books, then stepped away from them. He moved to stand by her, joining in looking at the expanse above. “What do you want to talk about?” hoping he’d know enough. 

She pointed and described the larger brighter star near Orion and asked if that was Sirius. He smiled. “Yes. Canis Majoris. Dogstar.  Brightest in our sky. Larger than our Sun.  ‘Powerful and fallen,’ according to Whitman.” 

She watched and felt wind and stars shifting around her, felt him close but not close enough, both their arms hanging by their sides, as empty as the night. “Why is it a ‘dog’ star?” 

He was more than ready to fill the space with facts. She seemed close but so far away. “It’s a main focus of the Canis Majorconstellation, the Dog,” he began, comfortable with the Known. “The rising of Sirius marked the beginning of summer for ancient Egyptians, and a hot and dry summer would be known as the ‘dog days of summer.’ Animals – and men - would pant and lose control, fading with the heat, while women would thrive and be aroused and, um, rise… Ahh... The word Sirius may also be taken from the Greek for scorching or Egyptian for the god Osiris, the God of the Moon.” 

He had been on a roll and glad to talk about something he knew, he understood. So much about his days were uncertain and difficult. He sometimes lost track with her but she didn’t seem to mind. He just wanted to melt into her, hold her. He wondered how he could maneuver to do just that as she turned to him and asked, “Why did men fade as women rose? What does that mean?”

He hesitated, trying to recall the mythology connecting the stars to the ancients. He told her how they linked dogs panting in summer to the bright star that would herald the season. He recalled to her old beliefs about changing seasons, like summer to autumn made men lose control because the gods were often battling, using men as pawns. Somewhere in his mini-lecture was a mention of soldiers battling both the gods and women feverish with unnatural passions of summer. But he might have been confusing his myths. He was barely listening to himself as he looked at her, the curve of her face, her hair in the starlight. He knew even in the mostly-dark night how her lips would be slightly pursed as she listened to him.

He remembered one more story about the star. He said, more softly and in less a lecture tone, “It was said Sirius fell in love with a goddess of harvest but he couldn’t have her. He burned hot every summer as harvesttime got close and he remembered his great love… he was the burning star... rising...” and he tapered off, forgetting what else he was going to say as she turned and looked at him. 

They gazed at each other in shadow for several heartbeats. 

She smiled and said, “I always wondered if the Dead were singing about a Dark Star or a Dog Star, but I like the phrasing with the seafaring lost sailor and the ghost wind and broken chains...” She was on the verge of babbling, they both knew. 

It was a sweet and light moment in the dark as they kissed and forgot about mythology. 

.

‘Compass card is spinning

Helm is swinging and fro

Oh, where is the dog star

Oh, where's the moon...

You're a lost sailor

You've been too long at sea’

- Lost Sailor, Grateful Dead

[neotrances]

like yes i will be mean to other high functioning autistic ppl whom show on their blogs they are able to write and interpret things from their favorite fandom material but donot put the same effort into general media literacy, im not asking you to be the smartest scholar in the world who knows all the biggest words and phrases im asking you to atleast know how to properly intake information and identify components of media that can be harmful, asking that of grown adults that are actively posting about why they know angeldust and the villain from hazbin hotel are meant to be lovers is not killing anyone

autism is a spectrum and quite frankly not everyone doing this has autism so idk why we are hung up on this i just personally see white autistics do this often and while everyone’s autism is different ofcourse im gonna scrutinize the ones that use their disability as an excuse to not try when they do try when it comes to cartoons and ships, and honestly im kinda over arguing this to ppl who feel so self important that they don’t even want to consider that their unwillingness to improve is directly causing harm, i am not that smart, never have been never will be, i do not know a lot of words, i misspell things, sometimes i struggle to read and interpret things, but i am still able to try to do so, and i still try especially when it comes to media reporting events and discussing socioeconomic problems, i would never gloat or find it funny to say my media literacy is bad and blame that on middleschool as an adult, bc that removes accountability when i clearly am able to interpret and understand things at an adult level, i had ppl react the same way when i pointed out ppl with autism can be racist just like they can be any other form of bigoted bc they are a human being, pretending that autistic ppl can never do or cause harm is unhelpful, and it’s especially unhelpful when i see people who r able to function and understand certain things completely plug their ears and deny any fault or blame in what they do

[eldestdaughterdeans]

much discourse about sam not wholly identifying with max's experience of abuse, but it seems pretty clear to me that when sam says "we're lucky we had dad" he's reacting to the fact that max's father blamed max for the death of his mother. when max says this initially, sam seems genuinely taken aback by this. sam asking max why that is is, of course, the vehicle for discovering their mothers both died under similar circumstances.

back to the conversation with dean at the impala, sam says "well, it could've gone a whole other way after mom. a little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we would've had max's childhood." as a viewer/scholar of spn, it's very tempting to read this as ominous—that john was close to a tipping point and only narrowly managed to escape it. for sam in this moment though, taking your kids off the grid and living out of motels suddenly sounds like a much healthier coping mechanism than daily beatings. (of course, not all forms of physical abuse look like daily beatings.)

similarly, i think sam doesn't fully identify with max because of max's (valid) overriding fear and helplessness. when max talks about forming his revenge plot (after saying he was "helpless" prior to developing psychic powers), sam's first question is "why didn't you just leave?"

which yes, classic foray into victim blaming. but we know from 1x08 bugs that sam is a big proponent of going to college to escape difficult family situations. and i think it's safe to say he derives a lot of pride and sense of self from leaving for stanford. whereas max is consumed by fear, constantly anticipating the next beating—which understandably fries your nervous system.

on the topic of sam saying that he can't relate to his father looking at him with hate in his eyes, i mean, the vast majority of abusers rationalize their actions. and it is very easy to inadvertently sip the kool aid—they love you, they just show it in a strange way; they want what's best for you, they just have a different perspective on what that is; they don't mean to come off the way they do; etc. again harkening back to 1x08 bugs, sam already wants to apologize to john. it's not out of the question for the siren song of rationalization to say "i understand now, i can be the bigger person, i can put us on the path to reconciliation."

all of this is to say, i think this episode had to walk an incredibly fine line considering the overarching plot was still "find john." and given the myriad of ways that familial abuse can present itself, i don't think we can actually divine all that much about salmondean's relationship with john based on its juxtaposition with the miller family.

[sasheneskywalker]

am i the only person who has never struggled with their queer identity?

i was thinking about it recently and i don't remember ever being ashamed, scared, angry or sad about being bisexual, nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous. (yes, i use that many labels. it makes sense in my head.) i had unrestricted access to the interent from a pretty young age (11) and i discovered what a sexual orientation was after entering more english/american spaces and reading fanfiction when i was around 13 years old. i've just read the definitions and went, "yeah, i'm bisexual. why would anyone limit themselves to loving only one gender?" and that was it. my only frame of reference about queer people was fanfics and cool people i've seen online. my parents never talked about lgbtq+ issues (neither in a positive nor in negative light) and i didn't know anyone who was queer in real life, so you could say i was a blank slate when it came to any preconceived notions or biases (of course we live in cisheteronormative society which probably influenced my views on a subconscious level but i'm just taking about being consciously aware about something here.)

it was similar with realizing i was nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous. i've read the definitions, comments made by people identifying that way, some research papers and books and came to the conclusion that these labels fit me. no angst anywhere.

i came out to my family pretty much immediately when my brother asked me if i was interested in any boys in middle school and i replied with full indignation that if he had to ask about it, he should also ask about any girls i might be interested in. my mother was there too. i don't think any of them took me seriously considering my age (i was 14) and the fact that i had to have many more conversations with my mother about being bisexual (and later nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous) before she believed me in some way and even now she still thinks it's just a "phase" and that i'm "confused" or "just looking for attention" and that my girlfriends are only my good friends (but she still supports my relationship and tries very hard not to be outright homophobic/transphobic). my brother realized like 6 years later and asked me if i really was queer and seemed surprised when i told him i was. i still don't know what my father thinks. i told him i had a boyfriend when i was 15 and i told him i had two girlfriends when i was 20 and his reaction was exactly the same: nodding his head and saying "okay". he sometimes uses slurs but also supported me during a project i was doing on being nonbinary and bought me a book written by a trans scholar on christmas.

and i've never done any official coming outs either. in most friend groups, it comes out naturally that i'm queer when we're getting to know each other and it has never been a problem. i've never been met with a negative reaction. (it's worth noting that most of my irl friends are from middle class families, live in big cities and went to very good schools).

and it's not that i'm not aware about queerphobia existing in our society. i read books written by queer people and i read histories of lgbtq+ communities (and it's often pretty bleak). our country is one of the most homophobic countries in europe. the previous government of our country said that "lgbt ideology" and "gender ideology" are a threat to our nation and should be eliminated. i had close queer friends whom i supported when their families and friends didn't accept them. but it all feels one step removed from me.

i can walk alone at 3am around my city (the capital of poland) as a female presenting person with a rainbow handbag and flag pins in a party outfit and nobody ever bothers me. i went to a pride parade this year and there weren't any counter protests, the police were chill and nothing horrible happened. and despite talking with people who used some passive aggressive remarks and weren't completely accepting, i've basically never experienced violent or threatening queerphobia in my life.

i guess it's just interesting to me how much my experiences differ from common queer narratives i observe in media and in real life around me and how my upbringing shaped who i am today.

[nerdygaymormon]

Matthew 5:21-48 "Ye have heard it said..."

Five times in Matthew chapter 5, Jesus uses some version of "Ye have heard that it was said...But I say unto you..." Jesus is saying that this text has been interpreted this way, but I'm giving a better way. Jesus challenged traditional ideas, He expanded the interpretation.

We can do likewise.

There's two words used a lot in Biblical study, hermeneutics and exegesis.

Hermeneutics is deciding what we will use to help us interpret the text. We bring our own sensibilities, experiences, and understandings. Scholars may bring historical context, linguistical analysis, and a knowledge of Hebrew or Greek.

Exegesis is what understanding we pull from the text. The hermeneutics we use will affect what meaning we retrieve. This is why reading the same verses at different times of our lives will give us different insights.

Jesus taught that all the laws hang on the 2 great commandments to love God and to love people. I think we can use that as our hermeneutics as we read the scriptures. What does this teach me about loving God and about loving people? How does this relate to loving my neighbor, specifically the vulnerable and marginalized?

I also think about how does this relate to queer people? I bring to this my understanding that being queer is not a choice, God made us this way and expects us to live our life as queer. It's incorrect to view queer people as broken, not worthy, or not good enough. LGBTQ+ people deserve hope and an uplifting spiritual life.

Given those hermeneutics, let's look at the examples we find in Matthew 5.

—————————————————————  

Matthew 5:21-26

You've heard it said, 'Don't commit murder because you'll be in danger of being judged.' I say if you're angry at your siblings without a good cause, or you call them names, you'll be in danger of being judged and going to Hell. If you've come to worship God but things aren't right between you and your sibling, then leave and make things right before coming back.

Another way to state this is if a person plans to murder someone, but at the last moment doesn’t because of fear of consequences or cowardice, is that person still good with God? No. Don't murder them, but don't even be angry at them. You can't love God if you don't love your neighbor.

How does this apply to queer people? Don't physically harm LGBTQ+ people. Don't murder us, don't beat us up, don't bully us, and don't call us names. Stigma, prejudice, and discrimination create hostile and stressful social environments which lowers self-esteem, decreases psychological well-being, and has other harmful mental health outcomes. Instead, desire blessings for us and hope for our inclusion and equal standing.

—————————

Matthew 5:27-30

You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that every man who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

It is natural and good for a man to be attracted to women, he can't help that, it's how God designed humans so that we will procreate. But if he's attracted to another man's wife, how does he handle that? Does he merely note that she's attractive and move on or does he lust after her and think about being with her?

If two people have made vows to each other, it's harmful to try to get one of them to break that promise. Loving our neighbor means wanting their happiness and wanting them to have fulfillment in their most important relationship. To selfishly desire something for you that would harm their relationship is not loving. We should wish them the best in their relationship.

Unfortunately, I've had people use this passage to argue that being gay is a sin because I'm lusting after the wrong sort of person, just like the adulterer. And furthermore, by simply using the word 'gay' to acknowledge that I’m attracted to men, they say I'm identifying myself by my sin and I’m committing sin in my heart. That's not a generous or loving interpretation. This is not how straight people apply this teaching to themselves.

This scripture provides no reason to think of homosexual attraction any differently from heterosexual attraction. It's not a sin to be attracted to someone, and there are certainly appropriate ways to express those feelings. But if we seek to have sex with someone and upset their married relationship, that is a sin, as is lusting for that in our heart. A Christian should love their gay neighbor enough to want them to find a rewarding romantic relationship, just as they hope for themselves.

—————————

Matthew 31-32

It was said, 'Whoever divorces his wife must give her a divorce certificate.' But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual unfaithfulness, forces her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

The law was if you're going to leave your wife, you gotta give her a divorce certificate. This way she can prove she's not married any longer and can pursue finding another husband.

At that time, men had the power to divorce, women did not. Also, women at that time had little power or rights, they were reliant on men. To divorce a wife is to make her vulnerable to real harm, such as poverty, hunger, and homelessness. To not provide documentation that she is no longer married to you and thus prevent other men from being willing to marry her will cause her harm and is not loving.

Many like to say that sexual immorality is the exception clause, you are not justified in getting divorced unless your spouse has cheated on you, in which case you can move forward with splitting up. I don't know. Maybe Jesus is saying that if she cheated on you then she chose to commit adultery, but if you divorce her then you are causing her to commit adultery should she ever remarry, and you'll also be committing adultery if you remarry.

Christianity has long wrestled with these verses. Forcing people to remain in an abusive relationship or letting them split but not get divorced which means they can't remarry, that doesn't seem like it's in their best interest.

I think due to the LDS experience with polygamy and how difficult it was, the church made peace with the idea of divorce and remarriage. Not that we don't discourage divorce, it's seen as a serious thing, but if someone wants to get divorced, we won't stand in the way. And when someone who is divorced wants to get married, we allow that and even give them the highest blessings by letting them get sealed in our temples. We recognize it is to their benefit to get married and enjoy a loving relationship. They have companionship. They have a partner to help with raising the children and the many tasks of life. They can find sexual satisfaction within the bonds of a marriage. They can help each other progress.

I'm glad my church has put aside this and other teachings against divorce and remarriage, and that we recognize what a blessing it is to individuals to get out of relationships which are harming them and also that it is a blessing for them to join a new, loving relationship.

How can we apply this to queer folks? We allow them the same blessings you want for yourself. Let them form loving, committed relationships and bless those with the recognition of marriage because we know such relationships bless their lives.

—————————

Matthew 5:33-37

Again you have heard 'Don't make a false promise, you should follow through on what you have pledged to the Lord.' But I say you shouldn't make such pledges, and don't swear by heaven. Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.

We need to keep the commitments we make. Don't be deceitful. Don't make a promise we intend to break. When we make promises that others rely on, all while knowing we don't intend to keep that commitment, it harms them. They take actions that benefit us without getting the same in return. That's definitely not loving our neighbor. We should be honorable and trustworthy and known to keep our word. We should have integrity.

I think of people who say they love and support queer people, call themselves an ally and say we should be treated fairly by society, and then they vote for candidates who seek to block us from having legal protections and rights. If you're going to vote for our harm, then you're not the loving ally you portray yourself as.

—————————

Matthew 5:38-42

You have heard it said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you when someone hits you on your cheek, turn the other to him. If someone legally takes your tunic, give them your cloak as well. If you are pressed into service for one mile, go two miles.

This is different from the other examples because those were saying for us not to harm others. These verses are how to respond when we get treated unfairly. Jesus is not saying that we should be a doormat inviting more injury to ourselves.

Jesus' examples are forms of passive resistance. If a Roman legionary tells you to do something, and you refuse, you are punished. If you are unjustly sued, and you lash out, then you go to prison, instead here's steps you can take to highlight the wrongness of what is being done.

I've read that in Jesus' time someone could backhand a person of lower status as a way to assert authority and dominance. If someone backhands you, turn your face so they can slap your other cheek. They can't use their left hand as it's used for unclean purposes, so will they now hit you with their open hand as that shows you're equal? By turning the other check, I am forcing them to recognize my equality or to walk away from my challenge to their dominance.

A person's tunic could be used as collateral for a loan, but not the cloak. The debtor can be forced to give the tunic off of his back, but by also giving them the cloak, they're now naked. Public nudity was viewed as bringing shame on not just the one who is naked, but also the viewer. The one enforcing his rights to take your clothes is shamed.

Inhabitants of occupied territories could be forced by Roman authorities to carry messages and equipment for one mile post, but the law prohibited forcing them to go further than a single mile. A Jew at any time could feel the tap on his shoulder from a Roman soldier and know he has to carry the soldier's gear for a mile. By going the extra mile, it's a nonviolent way to criticize the unjust Roman law and cause the Roman soldier to be at risk of discipline

These are each ways to assert our dignity and to shame others for the how they're treating us. Each is a form of resistance but not retaliation, each is a way of highlighting the injustice without it turning into revenge. This is nonviolent resistance, which can be powerful in changing hearts.

This passage reminds me of the first time I went to a Pride event, it was really joyous and wonderful, except for some preacher yelling about how we're all sinners and going to hell and even yelling insults at people walking by including about what they were wearing. He was really getting people upset. Instead of yelling insults back, or worse, a group formed a circle around him and started singing Katy Perry's song "Firework" and the rest of the crowd joined in, drowning out his hateful words, until security could remove him. We did no harm to him and our actions stood in contrast to his hate and anger. It was a way to affirm ourselves and negate his message

—————————

Matthew 5:43-48

You've heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you. God's sun rises on both the good and the bad, the rain falls on the just and unjust, in other words, he blesses all. There's no benefit in only loving those who love you.

When one group perceives another as 'the Enemy,' it's easy for conspiracy theories, prejudice, and fear to cause us to no longer see their humanity. This leads to seeing all Muslims as undercover terrorists or for some to believe that gay people are responsible for hurricanes.

We are to love everyone. This includes people who aren’t our race, or religion, or nationality. This includes sexual minorities, poor people, that annoying coworker, the politicians voting to limit your rights.

We don't have to agree with them. We focus on the issues and don’t make things personal. We can look for peaceful, constructive ways forward. We can have kindness and goodwill for people even as we disagree.

I think of the hatred toward LGBTQIA+ people by many who identify as Christian. The lack of compassion towards queer people is disheartening, and to be asked to love them in return feels difficult, but it can lead to positive change.

In 2004, 60% of Americans disapproved of gay marriage. In 2019, 61% approved of gay marriage. That's a complete flip-flop in 15 years. There were many who were vehemently against gay marriage and expressed hatred towards queer people. Gay rights advocates were speaking of love, and when gay marriage was legalized, we saw videos of couples joyously celebrating their love, which stood in contrast to the bigotry that had been expressed. It's hard to see the joy and love and believe the hateful rhetoric. Individuals naturally don't want to see themselves aligned with people who are harming and hurting people.

We can keep protesting, keep speaking our truth, keep advocating for those who can't, but don't villainize those who oppose us. Stick to the issues and act with compassion and love. Let our actions stand in contrast against those who view us as enemies.

[somethingclevermahogony]

Last Line Tag

I was tagged by @elsie-writes , thank you! As has became the usual, this will not be the last line but rather the last section that I wrote. This is from Book 2 of my Testaments series, name still pending!

The man who stormed towards Narul was massive, though not as huge as Narul himself, nor gaunt Sadaric in the Deep Sun’s Cavern. His shoulders were broad, his arms corded and rippled with muscle. The skin of his bared chest was a rich umber, though criss-crossed with such a complex tapestry of scars that the original tone was at first hard to determine. Narul thought he might have been Namutian.  He was lither than Narul, though that was not saying much, and he still towered over even the tallest of the Makorans. He moved in a straight line, not around the stands and carts, but through them, a trail of devastation in his wake. Makorans scrambled to get out of his way, one poor man was too slow and his leg was crushed underfoot. He lay in their dirt, cradling his twisted limb. The newcomer paid no attention to his cries. “You!” He bellowed once more, one scarred finger pointed at Narul. He spoke in Kishite, but his accent was strange, oddly formal in some sense, what one might suspect from a bard or scholar. “Me?” Narul eyed him uncertainly. He couldn’t quite explain what, but some facet of the man filled him with a certain discomfort, almost nausea. The man glared at him, beneath bushy brows his eyes burned with an intensity that Narul could not quite identify. “Fight me! You are big but let us see if you are strong, bastard!” The stranger roared, his fists raised above his head in challenge. Narul frowned, he didn’t think he knew this man, he certainly didn’t remember ever meeting anyone like him. Certainly he could think of no reason why a stranger in a strange land would be calling him a bastard, much less challenging him to a duel. “Do I know you?”  The stranger scowled. “Of course you don’t know me! At least not in flesh! If we had met before I would have already cut you down!” Narul’s frown deepened and he crossed his arms. “I don’t want to fight.” “I don’t care!” The other man spat as he stalked closer. Narul could smell wine, sweat, and blood. “ It is in our nature!” The stranger now stood inches away, though he had to look up at Narul, it did little dampen his ferociousness. Narul could feel Bop in his head, the spirit was agitated. Narul could feel them, like some animal trapped in his skull pacing back and forth. “Bop?” The spirit stopped its fidgeting. “Narul, I remember him.” Narul looked down at the other spiritblood, his mind reeled. “You’ve met him before?” Narul asked the spirit. “Yes, yes I’m certain of it.” Narul thought back to the darkness in which the Deep Sun and the Kosheki had hoarded away thousands of treasures, Bop’s hammer amongst them. “But you said you were trapped in that cave for a thousand years before I found you.”  “I was.”

I am tagging @scribble-dee-vee , @illarian-rambling , @unrepentantcheeseaddict , @the-ellia-west , and anyone else!

[silvereyedowl]

The Seller of Masks

Valahri Vamane was far more travelled than most, in or out of his country. He had been west of the Great Desert of Myzria and north of the Empire of Niram. He had even seen the Cave of the Blasphemy.

And in all that time and place he had never seen cause to believe that the name of his country was remembered outside of it.

They called it many things, in foreign lands. The Masked Land. Terra Persona. The faceless country.

But he knew what it was actually called.

He came from Teyvīka Muttam, the crumbling Jewel of the West, as it had once been known. Supposedly, according to the ancient legends, the Goddess of Beauty herself had knelt down and kissed the earth in that exact spot, leading the ancients of Terra Persona, the founders of the Old Empire, to build their capital there and name it in her honour.

Even now, it was still the largest city on the peninsula. Even now, the various factions that fought for power in the disunited land considered holding Muttam to symbolize legitimacy.

Valahri had not been back in a long time. There was only one reason he would consider returning, and it had not yet happened. He wasn't sure it ever would.

—

In that year he was living and working in the north, mainly as a seller of masks. They were mostly unadorned, so people could add their own identifying marks. They weren't the fancy ones custom-made by the blind maskmakers for anyone who could afford them, but they did the job all the same.

The masks he wore, the kind he had worn since his return from his travels, were distinct in their own way. He put his own sigil on the forehead of each one, because he wanted to be recognized no matter what he was wearing. In this, he had his reasons.

—

Foreigners to the peninsula never really knew how to blend in. Valahri understood why better than most, since he had been to their lands. They were not cursed and did not have to wear masks unless they wanted to.

So he knew the woman he encountered travelling south in the dry season had to be a foreigner.

That she wore a mask was wise. He had heard stories that foreigners who came to the masked land could sometimes carry the effects of the curse with them for a time after leaving. It was better to get used to a mask now.

"Hello, stranger!" He waved as he rode nearer, calling to her in the common traders' language.

She stopped her horse. When she spoke, it was more cautiously. "And to you as well."

"We don't get many foreigners this far north and east. They usually travel straight to the capital."

"How did you-"

"Your mask. And your accent. You sound like a Westerner."

"Oh..." She sounded disappointed.

"I take it you wanted to blend in more? It's not an easy thing for a foreigner to pose as a native here."

"I suppose I should have expected that. But there's little information available about the specific customs of this land. No one wants to think about it."

"Oh, I've travelled a lot of places. This is a cursed land and a cursed people. It's better if no one thinks about us."

Valahri had his suspicions about what reasons the woman might have for coming to Terra Persona. Most of the foreigners were merchants, and he knew merchants.

This woman was no merchant. Very few casual travellers bothered to visit the cursed land. Which meant she was most likely here for a reason.

And those people... well. Those people generally wanted to discover the secrets of the cursed land – a pursuit that rarely ended well.

Valahri decided that right now, he was going to try and stick with this traveller. "But, if you're so interested, you might want a guide."

The woman's body language was hesitant, but then she nodded. "Are you offering?"

"Yes. Selling masks is, in all honestly, just a side job."

"Then let me introduce myself. I am Karas of Galahra, scholar."

"Well met. Valahri of Muttam. A pleasure to make your acquaintance."

The two continued down the road together. Karas had questions about the accuracy of the map she had brought along with her.

Valahri wondered, in the privacy of his own mind, just how dangerous the scholar's quest would prove to be. The curse made even knowledge of the masked land dangerous outside its bounds.

Well, if push came to shove, perhaps her search could benefit him as well. And perhaps more than just him...

[groovesnjams]

44 / 50

"love is embarrassing" by Olivia Rodrigo

DV:

The theatricality of Olivia Rodrigo's music sometimes works against her, but put it in a song that isn't a slow ballad and you can generate some real sparks. And maybe performativity is underrated in 2023: it's been part of punk's DNA since its inception, just as it's part of the DNA of every kind of popular music. Rodrigo snarls and chews the scenery (klaxon guitars and a too-polite drum machine, in this case), she plops a fuck into the middle of the chorus. Everything is a performance and listening to "love is embarrassing" I'm never quite able to forget that, but I'm equally unable to knock the song for it. Like yes, it takes a particular kind of theater-kid energy to sing "emBARassing" that way, but also? I've mellowed on theater kids from the days when I used to regularly see them at house parties and karaoke bars. "love is embarrassing" is charming and direct and packed with its share of hooks - and short enough that its particular kind of energy doesn't risk getting old. And that dramatic instinct leads Rodrigo to one of the year's greatest and simplest truths: even if you're not having your heart broken, love is embarrassing. Love means vulnerability and vulnerability is extremely cringe. And if I'm being honest, there's a thinner line between the theater and the concert venue than a lot of musicians - and I - might like to admit.

MG:

Olivia Rodrigo, born in 2003, is someone who never knew life without the internet in her home. She was six years old when Twitter went mainstream. Nine when Facebook acquired Instagram. She’s grown up in a world that’s not just uncritical of performativity but outright demanding of it, a world where the goalposts of existence have moved from perceiving to being perceived. We are all theater kids now; Rodrigo is hardly even a noteworthy example of this identity, not when George Santos is a camp scammer congressman stunt queen and Taylor Swift is cosplaying herself cosplaying a high school senior homecoming queen cheerleader in what is ultimately like 70% branding deal with the NFL and 30% embedded footnotes for her scholar diehards. Those two theater kids are over a decade older than Rodrigo – maybe she just needs time to establish her bonafides. What’s more interesting than the way a Disney kid is performative by nature is the way “love is embarrassing” conveys these evergreen adolescent feelings in a way that feels so honest and authentic. I still vividly remember when I first realized love was embarrassing and the pop hit that ruled my high school was Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8r Boi,” a song I viscerally resented for its unrelatability. I think this is why so many women my age – Rodrigolds, if you will – are reliving vicariously through SOUR and GUTS. “love is embarrassing” scrupulously omits identifiers like “he was a punk” and “she did ballet,” (or “she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers”) instead focusing on how runaway infatuation feels and how stinging the fresh slap of its dissipation feels. And she casts herself as the fool, a fool of her own design – that’s a universal experience, we are all the fool at least once. In this way, it’s impossible to dispute the veracity of her lyrics. In this way, she’s not theatrical at all.

[bungoustraypups]

(from @haventseensun)

tl;dr: mspec lesbians are and have been valid forever, only recently have people started taking issue with them. all queer identities are valid and if you disagree you are wrong and regressive and actively pushing our movement for acceptance back.

fun fact: the label of lesbian was actually changed from its most well-known and long lasting definition to a new one - the one which people often quote as being "the right one", the one that most people know today, the "non-men" (racist term btw) loving "non-men" one - by lesbian separatists. aka part of the proto-TERFs and other like-minded radfem groups. literally less than 50 years ago.

the definition people used before that is typically summed up as "someone with a queer attraction to women". so essentially, it only excluded cishet men, and explicitly included people like trans men (IF THEY WANTED TO ID AS SUCH, i am not saying all trans men are included under the lesbian label, i am explicitly referring to those who are and who did in the past) which makes a lot of people foam at the mouth today despite it being historically accepted and well-understood that trans men could be and often were lesbians until the proto-TERFs got their hands on it

you're so, so close to the point but you missed it.

lesbian has always been an mspec label. even if you explicitly exclude only "men" (which is impossible to do if you also include nonbinary people, btw) from the definition, it is still an mspec label by definition because you are including multiple genders in the label.

there is not a single cishet man or middle school cishet boy out there who laughingly goes "i'm a lesbian cause i like women" and means it, and is willing to make it part of his identity, and genuinely identifies with the label, he's just being a dick or trying to convince someone who isn't attracted to him (assuming the lesbian he's speaking to told him her sexuality in an attempt to dissuade him which yknow, is usually how that goes down)

and i cannot grasp in my mind why so many people think that people explaining that some lesbians can sometimes like men and some people who ID as men can be lesbians sometimes are the same as these men

all queer identities (and no, i do not mean radqueer or transID stuff) are valid. yes, even if you don't understand them. you don't have to to respect someone and your respect should not hinge on understanding everything about them.

finally: the thing about queer labels is they don't have solid rigid definitions that don't change or have been the same forever and words and meanings and definitions change with time and connotations and cultures and you NEED to accept that if you are going to remain a member of the queer community.

the only person who can define what their sexuality means is that person and no one else. not you, not a dictionary, not a scholar or a group of students, not even the rest of the queer community. only. that. person. attempting to decide which queer identities are "acceptable" actively harms the queer movement as a whole and you aren't doing anyone any favors by throwing your queer siblings under the bus in the name of "activism" or whatever you wanna call it

people need to realize that dissolving the lines between gender also means dissolving the lines between sexuality. you cannot say gender is fake and then say sexuality is strict and rigid.

there are multigender/genderfluid people who are lesbians and gay men at the same time. there are mspec lesbians/gays/straights who have a complex relationship with gender and their sexuality. there are gay men who are women and lesbians who are men because male isn't the opposite of female.

"conflicting" labels are a part of many people's queer experience, because the human experience isnt simple enough to be put into neat perfect categories. if you truly support trans/genderqueer people, you need to accept the fact that gender and sexuality is complex and there will be people whose identities you don't understand

[junebugwriter]

Impostor I

I've got the impostor syndrome bad tonight.

I wrote about it some on twitter, but I'll talk about it here some too. This space tends to be a bit easier for me to get complex thoughts out anyways, because longer form works better for my brain sometimes.

I have a lot of moments feeling like an impostor when it comes to being trans. I used to feel like I was an impostor just for being an academic, but writing a dissertation flipped a switch in my brain I think, saying "ah, yes, I am actually writing a book now as a scholar, I have Made It." But now, my insecurity is seizing upon being trans.

I don't feel like I'm "trans enough." And I know it's not exactly breaking new ground. Society tells me I'm a guy. My upbringing tells me I'm a guy. My body looks like a guy's body. I'm hairy, large, and overall have masculine features. But there's a lot of my body that's not masculine at all.

Take, for instance, breasts. I have them! I've had them since I was a little kid, because I've always been a bit fat. I've actually been quite sensitive about the fact I had them, because I was operating with the understanding that I Am Male and Male Manly Men do not have Breasts, they have Pecs. So I'd try to flatten them, I'd work out a lot, but nothing ever got rid of them, so I came to somewhat accept them. I even kind of got to like them, their feel, etc. It wasn't """manly""", but who cares about that, I have them, and I had to deal with that.

Also, my hips! I've got sort of a womanish waist. And I like my waist! It suits me, and that's great. Not """manly""", but it's cool, it's BONE STRUCTURE, what am I going to do about that? So I grew to accept it, and now I kind of like it!

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say I might maybe produce more estrogen in my body than a """normal""" male body, but I won't know until my doc screens me for HRT. I'll put a pin in that, but it's something I think about!

But more than anything, in my brain, I *feel* like a I should be a woman. I identify more with women than with men, in general. I like playing female characters in games, and enjoy movies with more well-rounded and developed female characters. When it comes to attributes and behavioral trends, my behavior makes a lot more sense if I was a woman. I'm more sensitive, more empathetic in general, more submissive and accommodating. And yes, I do realize these are BROAD STEREOTYPES and are anything but scientific, or accurate. Yet I can't shake the feeling... I was meant to be a woman.

I feel that way. It's my brain. It's my heart. And I can't shake it.

But I still look and present as a man in my day-to-day. I'm not out at work. I hope, once I go on HRT and begin changing more of my appearance, the outside of my body will begin to match my insides. But I still struggle with feeling trans ENOUGH.

I just went on a whole ass description of how my brain thinks! And I still! Can't! Shake! The feeling i'm faking it!

What does a bitch have to do to feel like they are deserving of being trans?? Why can't I feel valid in my identity!? All I do is question, and self-analyze, and wonder, and postulate. (I'm a goddang theologian, it's what I do best.) But on and on, I keep circling. Yes. I am a woman. I am trans.

BUT AM I??

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

It's so frustrating. It's illogical. I want to Spock my way to certainty in my gender identity. I want a math equation to settle the questions in my brain, the feelings of my heart. But life isn't like that. I've got to Kirk it out, and act with what's not only logical, but emotionally true as well.

I just... wish I could feel validation without agonizing all the time.

[angelbluediary]

sunny musings // years in the making

Sunlight. Coffee. Books. Sleeping cat. Distant sounds of people. I'll always envy the ones who know exactly what they want out of life. They visualize a goal and work towards it, rely on it when things get dark. When I visualize my ideal future, I get snatches of more or less what is available to me now, but through a dreamier lens: a prettier cafe; a waterfront town with art galleries and nice roads; Ginger, happy and healthy, curled up before warm windows where she can finally see lizards and birds up close. For years now, I've tried to pin myself like a butterfly and catalogue all my individual parts. To Identify and then Correct them. My early 20s was driven wild by the fact that I can't reconcile even my aesthetics (as if that's something to crave, as if being able to write yourself into a couple narrow corners of the world is what you should want). I've journaled at length about who I have been and who I think I am and what I want, as much as I can glean from the wanting: freedom and sunshine and peace and passion, and pretty clothes, and objects shaped like hearts, and art for my walls, and so on. Years and years of intense soul-searching with only what I'd already known given to me as reluctant answers. Yes, I am still the girl who writes (even if it has been so long since I began any story). Yes, I am still the girl who dreams of art and dance and theatre. Yes, I am still the girl who's obsessed with sex. And when I blink and float back down to reality once in a while, I realize I'm living alone, with my floors covered in afternoon sun, with my happy and healthy cat, and a working coffee machine, and my laptop, and endless freedom in time and schedule. Beyond my anxieties and fears, I already have everything I've ever asked for. So why am I so afraid of the future? I'm missing the art museums and the burlesque shows so I'll simply move somewhere that has these in spades, once my lease is up. I pray my restlessness finds a place to lay down and nap once I move. I was born by the water and love it still; could I be as happy in the middle of the desert? Something pulls me out there still, unexplainable and strange. A gut feeling. But I have time. The desert can wait a little longer.

Adult life feels like permanently being in a state of transition. Being a child and a teenager simply was; that was all there was and all there ever would be. I think I reflect too much for my age. A great challenge of my life now is to extend beyond the thoughts and impulses in my head and explore them in the 3D realm, with my body, to do something physically and outwardly. Like dreaming with eyes open, but recording all the words. Drawing. Reading all my books. Dipping back into the language of scholars and critics. Reaching my hands out to the people I've met, who last I saw them, told me to not be a stranger, to call on them. All I know is that I've held my breath for far too long. My wanting claws at my chest now. A gentle summons, none of last year's desperation. I can almost taste what it is I need. I can almost visualize what I want in order to be happy. But rather than thinking too hard on it, I will allow myself to move and be moved in the real world.

[queerofcups]

what bands are True Emo? bc when i think of emo i think of lo-fi but i'm pretty sure that's bc i'm 18 so i wasnt around for the Real Emo Tunes :(

i’mma answer this publicly because i needed the excuse to be entirely self indulgent, k? 

wait. hold on.

*puts on grad school hat*

so my answer/view on what counts as “emo” is really heavily influenced by this book, Nothing Feels Good, its been years now since i’ve read it, but it includes (may be wholly?) a history of the development of emo as a genre, as well as profiles on some really well known bands. what’s super cool about it is that it was very of the moment. it was published in 2003, which is when emo was gaining mainstream notoriety amongst rock circles, but was nowhere near the cultural zeitgeist it became.

so if you ask me, i’d argue, as andy greenwald identifies in Nothing Feels Good that “true emo” bands would include the likes of Rites of Spring, Sunny Day Real Estate, Jets to Brazil, Mineral, American Football etc*. There’s a really interesting idea that Dan kept kind of bumping up against but didn’t really articulate–that late 00′s emo and the indie music that was fucking exploding around that same time (so, your Death Cab for Cuties, Minus the Bear, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, etc) actually have a common ancestor in the early 00s emo that was coming out of places like DC and further Northeast (as far North East as…New Jersey, eh? eh?). But Dan says some bullshit about the indie guys not liking the emo guys, not exactly? Like sometimes indie guy and the emo guy were the same dude.

And that dude was a dude who was into the hardcore scene/punk, but who wanted to sing about his feelings and heartbreak, and mental health issues, things that were seen as more feminine and less aligned with the more masculine, more politically charged punk/hardcore scene.

And so you have bunch of dudes doing this, with differing levels of alignment with the hardcore scene. On one end of the spectrum you’ve got your Thrices, your Alkaline Trios and on the other end you’ve got your Sunny Day Real Estates, or even further, your Dashboard Confessionals where he’s not even using an electric guitar. 

This, btw, is part of why you’ve got both Death Cab for Cutie and AFI on the same list of bands that are “emo” on wikipedia. The whole emo genre was actually super fucking prolific and because the genre qualifications were so vauge (its “emotional” “rock” music. that’s a lot of musical space to play in) a lot of different sounds were able out of early 00s emo. 

Mix emo with hardcore? You get Thrice. 

Mix emo with goth? AFI and Hawthorne Heights

Mix is with metal? You get Coheed and Cambria, I guess??

Mix it with rap? Dear god you get Brokencyde, undo undo. 

And if you mix it with pop? Well shit, you just built a Fall Out Boy. 

So, Dann, you say, I didn’t need any of this. 

I mean that’s fair, but I’m sure you’re also wondering where the fuck My Chem, P!atD and FOB come in. 

Wikipedia makes the really helpful delineation of emo and emo pop, which is like…sociologically accurate, even if I feel like its not generically accurate. Like, MCR and Panic! at the Disco are two very different genres of band.

Those three bands, along with a glut of other bands in the mid-00s somehow managed to ride the wave of popularity that started with these early 00s emo bands. I don’t want to make it sound like these bands aren’t significant, like these are people who were and are at the top of their craft (and pete wentz). but they were also pretty lucky. they came up in a time when not only indie bands but indie labels were experiencing pretty unprecedented public attention, MTV was still showing music videos, but maybe more importantly Fuse was still showing music videos. There was a whole TV station dedicated to “alt” music (how do people even find music these days? Spotify?). 

Now why were those three bands the ones that made the catapult from Fuse to MTV (so from very very popular alt/indie to straight up popular)?

Teenage girls.

See, emo came out of punk spaces in the mid-to-late 90s, and these spaces (at least the spaces that these particular guys were in) were, more often than not, pretty white/male spaces. Emo might have been about girls, so many girls—girls who agreed to date you, girls who agreed to fuck you, girls that dared to stop fucking you, girls that broke your heart—but it wasn’t really for girls. People who talk about rap music being the most misogynistic genre haven’t sat down to listen to emo. My god were some of those dudes upset about getting dumped.

But pop music. 

Pop music has been the bread and butter of girls, young girls since what, the 1950s aka its inception? Teenage girls created pop music.

And teenage girls decided they liked this emo stuff. And they decided they liked those emo boys. Really they decided they liked MCR and FOB and then Pete Wentz bore panic and lo, the teenage girls decided, it was good. 

(Brendon Urie and Harry Styles ought to sit down and have a talk sometime about how they owe their whole career to teenage girls finding them appealingly non-threatening)

You know why MCR and FOB were so dedicated to “equality” and their pits being “safe” (back when they had pits) and also challenging gender norms in a way that happened to be acceptable (and lbr titillating) to teenage girls?** 

Because teenage girls chose them and Made. Them. Rich. 

You don’t get rich of teenage girls aren’t coming to your shows/in your pit because they might get hurt. You don’t get rich when homophobic assholes, that are also sexist assholes, are coming to your show.

Don’t get me wrong. There were boys there. Obviously. Sensitive boys that didn’t fit in with the jocks, bullied for acknowledging their feelings etc. But teenage girls created the Scene.Christ, what was your question?Ok, yeah. You’re pretty spot on thinking of emo as being a low-fi, diy thing, if you’re thinking of it from the same direction I am. But the cultural moment Dan is talking about is defined way more by emo pop/scene than what I personally would call emo.* I mentioned an emo revival in an ask earlier today/yesterday. A lot of those bands are “reviving” the sound of early 00s emo. Which is interesting.**there’s a whole fucking book in the concept of stage gay alone. also the trend of “emo boys kissing” videos. these things are connected, obviously but I can’t quite say how.***this is a tumblr ask answer, so I can’t get into things like the effect of the internet, the breaking down of the fourth wall for fandom, why you can thank/blame Jimmy Eat World for all this, why DIY punk these days sounds the same as emo if you ask me, etc.****yeah I wrote that whole teenage girls made the scene diatribe and didn’t mention Paramore once. Paramore changed the fucking game and there’s a reason every emo band with a girl got compared to them. 

[eatingfireflies]

Hello! Sorry for reblogging this like ages after the fact, but I miss Ratio so I'm gonna talk about him 🥺

There are a few things that we know about Ratio:

- He has given up on trying to become a Genius Society member (based on the screenshots I posted above)

- He will never become a Genius Society member

Granted this could be a chicken and egg situation, where we don't know if Ratio identifying as a Mundanite is why Nous would never look at him. Or if he calls himself a Mundanite because Nous never looked at him.

(in passing, I don't like the word 'Mundanite' because it calls a lot of attention to itself, like it's some kind of club or movement that people have to join when what he's saying is simply 凡人: ordinary, mediocre people like you and me)

And there are a few things other characters don't know about Ratio

What Screwllum is saying here is that he thinks Ratio's actions are meant to challenge the Genius Society and show that they're not as good as their press.

Ratio tells him he is wrong: Ratio is here to cure stupidity, but this medical doctor is not merciful. Sometimes the best medicine is to have people figure shit out themselves.

Basically, Screwllum got the focus wrong: he thinks Ratio's primary motivation is to pick a fight with Geniuses, but what Ratio wanted was to teach the researchers at the space station a lesson about not resting on Herta's laurels too much. He's there for the ordinary people, not the Geniuses.

Screwllum who's generally good at reading people and who knew Chadwick was lying about why he developed his weapon... That Screwllum doesn't understand Ratio. Because, like Ratio said, the two of them walk different paths. Chadwick and Screwllum are Geniuses, while Ratio is an ordinary person.

Sunday also gets Ratio wrong. Remember 'learner who sees the pursuit of knowledge above all', we'll come back to that.

But in this conversation, Ratio tells Sunday that he (Sunday) should know that a competent scholar knows his place and will not give up on his beliefs for the sake of pride. Ratio does this even though it is part of his partner's plan for him to make this deal with Sunday. Ratio came here to say yes to Sunday's offer, but he still had to go 'Actually' 😂

Conclusion: Screwllum and Sunday assume Ratio thinks and acts like a genius and they trip themselves up because he doesn't.

Let's come back to Sunday's line 'learner who sees the pursuit of knowledge above all'.

This is Ratio's voice line about Herta. What he's saying here is Herta's studies basically amount to nothing since they matter only to her and serves only her own personal enjoyment.

It sounds like more than knowledge, Ratio values the practical aspect of it and whether knowledge can be of use at all. (Which is not to say he doesn't study for the sake of studying, but he's a lot more self-aware as a scholar about the useless theoretical aspect of learning.)

One of the most chilling moments in Chadwick's quest is when he finally admits why he went through his dangerous research

Ratio's voice line about Herta is kind of tangential to this. What good is your talent and research if you serve no purpose but to satisfy yourself?

Did Ratio try to follow Chadwick (and probably other geniuses before him)? Probably. But this was very early on in his career and he probably hasn't fully formed his own opinions and ethics yet.

We do know that the weapon was finished and was fired successfully, which is why he got the IPC invite:

But I'm guessing even back then he was unable to cross the line between ordinary people and geniuses.

Speaking of, one of the more popular theories why Nous has never acknowledged Ratio is because Ratio is kind.

And people have also pointed out that Aiden exists so the kindness is probably Not the main factor. Aiden has been described as altruistic and also worked with the IPC. He's the first Genius to have extended any kind of hand to normal people.

We don't know shit about Aiden aside from what the readables and Herta tell us. But you can be kind to ordinary people and still think they are nothing like you.

Anyway, I don't think there's One Reason why Nous never looked at Ratio... Probably it's the summary of his personality that makes him a bad fit for the Genius Society.

Also I want to say that Ratio is kind but not necessarily nice 🥹 Thank you for reading all of this, if you got this far.

Had to pull this quote up while talking to a friend about an interpretation I disagreed with, namely: Ratio never sought the gaze of Nous, Margaret was stupid for even interpreting Ratio's character story 3 as him being disappointed about getting invited by the IPC instead etc etc. and his self-deprecating laugh was only because he's so disappointed that he was invited by Capitalism Company despite all his achievements proving his ethics (but do they?)

I disagree, this is Margaret slander. That woman was Ratio's assistant, I doubt she was stupid.

Tell me this man is not bothered by it. Tell me it's not a sore point, even if he's over it by now he was/is bothered enough to actually talk about it.

Honestly I was gonna make a light-hearted joke about Aventurine being that person who shows off his relationship with Ratio, 'He's always like that, please don't mind him ☺️' 'He's the one who understands my way of fighting best ☺️' 'I thought you'd given up on this dream you've never told anyone else about except presumably me because I'm just dropping it in conversation so casually like this ☺️'

But let's talk about that anti-planetary weapon

I hand tinfoil hats to everyone who clicked on read more. Please don't believe anything I say. Especially under here where no one else can see us.

- No mention of what affiliations Ratio had before the invitation from the IPC. If we trust HSR timelines (which we shouldn't but we have nothing else), Ratio was already a full-fledged professor in Veritas Prime University before Aventurine became a Stoneheart. So: before he joined the Intelligentsia Guild, his main affiliation was with the university.

- The anti-planetary weapon was already completed when he received the IPC invitation

- Which still leaves us the question: whom did Ratio develop this weapon for and why?

There's some echoes of Chadwick in there that I think is probably a coincidence but something we might want to keep in mind. Ratio also provides schematics on how to turn the Express into a weapon.

One thing tho: Chadwick was a Genius Society member. Ratio is not.

- Minus the Astral Express weapon (which we do see in action in the Penacony Boss fight ? So like was that connected? 😂), everything else Ratio has done that we know of is mostly about improving people's lives. That anti-planetary weapon is like a blight on his otherwise stellar CV.

- My conclusion: he developed that weapon solely to catch the gaze of Nous. And he failed and it was a moment that felt like selling his soul for one corn chip. The IPC invite was a nail on the coffin: this is what he sold his ethics for.

Like the 'Ofc Ratio laughed because he can't believe the audacity of Capitalism Company asking him to join them when he's completely against everything they stand for'

But my friend, he joined the IPC. He's an IPC delegate. He's married to an IPC superintendent.

Ratio had to give up on the Nous deal and had to go with the next best thing. But Ratio from Story 3 was young and probably still felt some pressure to prove something, or meet expectations. The Ratio we met in 1.6 knows better.

[lowchaosenthusiast]

if by some odd miracle you're still doing the one word prompts, could you possibly do emsider + matrimony pls and thx

The cetologists at Dunwall’s Academy of Natural Philosophies have long established that whales mated for life. They would sing long melodies, their vocalizations amplified against the ocean waves, though nobody could yet identify a common theme in their tunes.

Scholars would dissect the songs by each and every note, and destroy their strange beauty down to mathematics. The whalers, uneducated as they were, could tell you exactly what had been sung – eternal vows of love. What else could explain the bloated corpses of once-great beasts washing up ashore when their mate had been bleed for meat and oil?

Emily rubbed against her eyes as she considered the calm afternoon passing outside the windows of her secret room. Maybe that had been why she avoided talking about the topic of being wed with any of her suitors. The Throne did bleed her, slowly, and threatened to devour her with each crisis rolling across the Empire. Would any potential spouse survive her, if she would need to sacrifice herself for the sake of her people?

She sighed, leaning her chin against the palm of her hands. She’d always thought she was destined to marry Wyman, in a grandiose ceremony that would stretch on for months. But, after the coup, both of them had changed too much – Emily had very little desire to escape the Tower for a night of misadventures, and Wyman had no desire to spend their time playing second fiddle to the Imperial duties. Emily could hardly blame them.

The topic of heirs was another issue she did not wish to consider for a second, but her Parliament had stopped being subtle with their comments about the crisis of succession. Her mother had already given birth to her by the time she was 27 – yet Emily had not managed to keep a single person which could father her a child.

Well, she thought, a slow slide etching across her face, that was as far as they were aware. She turned, abandoning the sight of Dunwall in favour of rejoining her companion on the settee.

A couple of years of humanity had been generous to the man that used to seem as still as a corpse. There had been no traces of gaunt cheeks or pale shadows beneath his eyes. The Outsider – title gleefully abandoned in favour of a simpler term – had taken to living well.

Emily suspected it may have been the Tower kitchens that did most of the heavy lifting, though she had hoped her presence in his life might have contributed too.

“I believe we had an agreement to not succumb into solipsism in our time off?” He said, as he lifted his eyes from the tome he had been perusing. Leviathan Hymnals, proclaimed the cover, and Emily was certain that book had been banned several centuries ago for heresy.

“Yes, thou I thought this would only apply to you,” she shot back, flinging herself onto the soft seats. She settled against him, thigh to thigh, digging her nose into his clothed shoulder. She breathed in the scent of rain water and sun-dried seaweed, as she gathered the errant threads of her mind. Soothed, she said, “Do you remember that incident with Lady White in the Month of High Cold when she suggested that the Parliament should start looking into whether Euhorn had any other surviving relatives bar me?”

“Certainly. I was there after all,” he answered. He creased the corner of the page he was on – Emily could barely contain her distress at the gesture – and left the tome aside, opting to pull her in a loose embrace. “It has been some time – I thought the incident had been forgiven and forgotten?”

“Pfph, as if,” Emily said, as she positioned herself against his warm shoulder. “I’ve been informed in confidence by His ExcellencyLord Brisbane that if I am notgoing to either announce a public engagement or a pregnancy in the near future, they would have to resort to seeking out my great-uncles and -aunts.” She could feel his hand tracing patterns against her back, comforting her.

“And that distresses you?”

“A couple of years ago I would’ve gladly thrown the crown to the closest person which could take it, duties be damned. After Delilah…” She trailed off, sinking further into the embrace, leaning completely against his wide torso. “She taught me that the tiniest of wiggle in the line of succession is bound to rapture into war and chaos. I’d rather not have a repeat of the coup.”

She half expected a long soliloquy about some monarch which was lost to Imperial history, about honour and selflessness during times of uncertainty. Instead, he said something else.

“Marry me, then.” It was matter-of-fact, so strange for a topic so sensitive, yet completely in tune with this man wrenched from the Void.

She sputtered, though she could not fathom whether it had been from sheer surprise or something completely different, as she pulled herself from his embrace and met his hazel-green gaze. “Are you serious?”

“Completely,” he said, pulling her back into the warm space of his chest. “I do not see a future where I am not standing next to you. We could be wed by tomorrow morning, if you want to.”

“I doubt the troublemakers at the Parliament would like that. We would need witnesses-”

“Beloved,” he interrupted her, dragging his hand from her shoulder-blades to the crown of her hair, “when leviathans vow each-other eternity, they have no audience to their union. We do not need anyone either.”

“I would rather not hear them whine about the legitimacy of our marriage.”

He pressed his lips against her forehead, and let out a graceless snort. “They will whine nonetheless, as you have chosen to spend your days with – and I shall quote Lord Magnus – a Tyvian snake with no good breeding, instead of someone they can parlay whispers though.”

Emily perked an eyebrow at his words. “When did Lord Magnus say that?”

“Irrelevant in the grand course of this conversation.”

A merry fire crackled, creating dancing shadows across the wall. Their relationship had been one of utmost privacy, known to Corvo alone. Not for any grand reasons such as shame – in the time he’d been back among the living, the man which used to be the Outsider had certainly made a name for himself amongst high society. It was soft, gentle easy – bereft of the pressures of her crown and name. As if they barely mattered.

To somebody that used to be an immortal God, maybe duty was not a delayed execution. Maybe it just was – and it would not be the one to kill her.

She hummed against the fabric of his shirt. “What do leviathans vow to each-other?”

“Whale vocalization is too peculiar to transcribe directly to human concepts,” he began, pausing for a brief moment, as if reliving a long-forgotten memory, “but they speak of affection.”

“Could you vow something similar to me, inside the Gazebo tonight?”

Soft lips pressed against her own, pulling her up from her recline. There had been no possession there, no battle of dominance, but sweet joy in their shared breath.

“I will,” he said, before he dove for a second kiss.

[moiraineswife]

Jasnah and Wit - Presentation Meta

Part 1 of the great saga of Witsnah “WELL ACTUALLY” metas I plan on doing bc y’all have just pushed me That Far. 

Well hello there. I’m GRUMPY. And what I do when I’m grumpy is I channel it into a little thing called spite meta. That’s what this is. It’s me angrily yelling for several thousand words about why this thing is a GOOD thing, actually. 

Today’s subject, the much controversial post Rhythm of War canon pairing that is: Wit/Jasnah. 

So let’s (angrily) explore why this is actually a positive thing for both characters, on a nuanced, meta, character analysis level. Because that’s the only level that I have. 

I admit, I was sceptical and uncertain. But when I actually sat and thought about this for a hot second...It started making a lot of sense to me. And then I thought about it for, like, a hot minute, and it made a LOT of sense to me. And now I’ve thought about it for a hot month, so come. Step into my thoughts, and I will explain my perspective on this all…

Firstly we’re going to talk about clothes. Yes, clothes. Clothes and  what they symbolise for this pair, together and individually. 

He was immaculate, as always, with his perfectly styled hair and sharp black suit. For all his talk of frivolity, he knew exactly how to present himself. It was something they’d bonded over. - RoW, 64

Wit and Jasnah have bonded over the idea of presentation and the effects it can create. Both of them have used this idea to great effect multiple times in the series. Wit displays himself as a more appropriate form of an Alethi highprince at war - a crisp, tailored, military suit in a colour that makes him instantly and easily identifiable in a crowd. It’s part of his subtle mockery of those around him - that the King’s Wit is a better presented highprince than the REAL highprinces. It also makes him recognisable, and it makes him seem professional and able to move easily in high society. 

Equally, we’ve seen him take the guise of a poor beggar so as to sneak into Kholinar and go unnoticed and dismissed when he sneaks into the palace to recover Design in Oathbringer. 

Jasnah, meanwhile, gives a memorable and impactful speech to Shallan at the beginning of Words of Radiance about the illusion of perception. About how by presenting herself as a princess, looking the way others expect, she is able to effectively use her authority. And would be able to similarly do so if she simply convinced people she was a princess, by manipulating their perception of her.

Both Jasnah and Wit understand this idea - of presenting yourself, not necessarily in the way you want to look, but in the way you want others to look at you. Creating for them the thing you want them to see, which enables you to better be that thing. 

It also runs deeper than that. They’re not just people who like to dress well. They understand that this has a power to it. They understand the effect it will have over others. And it’s this deeper thing that I believe they’ve bonded over. 

Because they don’t simply appear put together in their clothes; they appear put together in their everything. Wit and Jasnah are people who are consistently calm and composed regardless of the situation. They do it in very different ways. Jasnah  with calculating stoicism and intellectual calm. Wit with indifferent frivolity and nonchalant acceptance of what’s happening around him. 

The core effect is the same. When the walls are crumbling down, the armies are sweeping in, and everything’s on fucking fire, Wit and Jasnah are two people you expect to be able to look to for direction and a bit of sanity amidst the chaos. 

They’ve both cultivated personalities and personas that revolve around appearing and seeming in control and unperturbed whatever is happening. It’s like their whole Thing. 

So the presentation is not only about clothes and make up, it’s about who they are deep down as people. The fact that they’re always the strong ones. Always the ones in control. Always the ones who aren’t panicking despite the fact that everything’s on fucking fire. 

They’re  people that others EXPECT to behave a certain way. There’s a predictability to them. A dependability. In Wit’s case, it’s that you can rely on him to be esoteric, confusing, and unpredictable, but still. 

There’s a pressure in that. There’s a pressure in always being THAT put together. In always being THAT on top of things. In always being THAT person who can never break down screaming when things go wrong because that’s not who they are and not what people expect. They have to be more than that. They have to be BETTER than that. 

They’re also people that other characters tend to other/deify. Shallan remarks several times about Jasnah being inhuman/beyond ordinary people, and even goes so far as to compare her to the divine, despite her being a heretic. 

Wit, meanwhile, gets asked if he’s a Herald, has that odd air of always knowing things that he shouldn’t, and being in places he shouldn’t at the right times. 

They’re both ‘positively’ outcast. And I don’t mean that in an overly posh English way and being positively outcast, darling. What I mean is that, instead of being shunted outside of the circle of normality, they’re both placed on pedestals above it. Which is a different sort of outcast, but comes with its own package of problems. 

And this brings us to: vulnerability. Because they’ve bonded over this presentation thing, but they’ve ALSO bonded over the fact that they’ve found someone they don’t have to do that around all the time. Someone they can let their guard down with and just be themselves. Someone they don’t have to present and perform for. Someone they can just be HUMAN with. 

So we’re going to look more closely at the clothing aspect of this. Because there’s symbolism here, and it deeply interests me. With a focus on Jasnah, because Wit’s a mystery by design, and Jasnah’s got some more intentional stuff going on here I feel, re narrative symbolism. 

So from the moment we’re introduced to her, Jasnah always looks immaculate. She always looks perfectly put together. Shallan remarks multiple times on her havah, on her make up, on the intricate and perfectly done braids of her hair. Which is a little bit gay on Shallan’s part (which is valid) but it’s also significant, symbolically. 

I talked already about Jasnah’s idea of ‘power is an illusion of perception’, but I feel it’s worth coming back to. Both because of how much it shapes Shallan, but also how much it shapes Jasnah, and informs what we know about her. 

Jasnah is ALWAYS put together. She is ALWAYS perfectly made up, the absolute ideal of the perfect Alethi princess. Even in scenes of distress or ‘downtime’ scenes - such as waiting for Shallan in the hospital, or visiting her after her betrayal, or the relatively more relaxed setting being on board the Wind’s Pleasure. The text makes a point to note that Jasnah is perfectly done up and presenting exactly as she wishes. 

The times we see slips in that are DEEPLY interesting to me. 

The first one I want to look at, briefly, is That Controversial Scene in the way of kings, where Jasnah uses Soulcasting to kill the men who attacked her and Shallan in the alley. 

Just prior to this we see her bathing, where Shallan still remarks on how composed Jasnah is. This is also part of her presentation. She’s entirely naked, but that illusion is still up. She’s still more in control than other people are fully clothed. 

What I find interesting is the specific note that Jasnah does not take the time to have her hair braided before she sets out with Shallan. It’s mentioned as being unbound a few times. 

Symbolically, I like this, because I feel like it speaks to a slight loosening of her usual control. There’s something about that scenario that sets Jasnah on edge. There’s something about it that makes her feel. 

Besides, men like those…” There was something in her voice, an edge Shallan had never heard before.

What was done to you? Shallan wondered with horror. And who did it?

Shallan is unnerved because Jasnah seems calm. But I get the sense, from this line, and from the intense repetition of how unnaturally composed Jasnah appears, that her composure is a front. And that if we had her perspective on this scene, it would look very different from how Shallan imagines it. 

There’s something driving her here. Something beyond the logic she explains to Shallan, about making the city safer, about the guards not doing anything, about how innocent women will not be able to protect themselves from this, and how she wanted those men gone. All of which I believe is true, but that line from Shallan, and the way in which Jasnah goes about this...It feels personal. There’s something else going on behind the scenes that we don’t know or understand.

Regardless. This is the first time we see Jasnah step out of the cultured, reserved, stoic scholar. She’s something other than an ideal Alethi princess and studious mentor in this scene. And the detail of her hair being unbound, contained, wild, for the first time since we’ve met her feels..Significant. It’s an important detail to linger on, I think. 

Which brings us to the next exception to Jasnah’s exceptional presentation rule: her murder! 

Even in the scene before where we see Jasnah, arguably, the most vulnerable that we’ve seen her, in the cabin when Shallan confronts her about her fear of the upcoming apocalypse. It’s only a moment. Only a moment of genuine emotion that Shallan manages to glimpse before the mask comes back. 

This was not the Jasnah that Shallan was accustomed to seeing. The confidence had been overwhelmed by exhaustion, the poise replaced by worry. Jasnah started to write something, but stopped after just a few words. She set down the pen, closing her eyes and massaging her temples. A few dizzy-looking spren, like jets of dust rising into the air, appeared around Jasnah’s head. Exhaustionspren.

Shallan pulled back, suddenly feeling as if she’d intruded upon an intimate moment. Jasnah with her defenses down. Shallan began to creep away, but a voice from the floor suddenly said, “Truth!”

Startled, Jasnah looked up, eyes finding Shallan—who, of course, blushed furiously.

Jasnah turned her eyes down toward Pattern on the floor, then reset her mask, sitting up with proper posture. “Yes, child?”

The text notes in this segment that Jasnah’s poise and presentation is a mask, but it also describes it as her ‘defenses’. This is her armour. It stops people looking too close. It stops them reading her emotion, her weaknesses. This is also one of very few times we see Jasnah attracting spren in the series. 

However, even in this scene, clearly exhausted, overworked, and overwhelmed, Jasnah remains perfectly put together. All of her armour, her immaculate  havah, her make-up, her braids, are all in place. Even in this moment. 

Which makes a stark contrast to the next scene we find her in where she’s dressed only in a “thin nightgown”, and is lying on the floor with a sword in her chest. The vulnerability of unexpected assassination. 

When next we see Jasnah, in the epilogue, is when she’s freshly spat out of Shadesmar after an apparently harrowing ordeal. 

Her clothing was ragged, her hair formed into a single utilitarian braid, her face lashed with burns. She’d once worn a fine dress, but that was tattered. She’d hemmed it at the knees and had sewn herself a glove out of something improvised. Curiously, she wore a kind of leather bandolier and a backpack. He doubted she’d had either one when her journey had begun.

Even in another plane, apparently being hounded and in fear of her life, she’s managed to acquire some appropriate clothing, a glove, and a damn bandolier. Because of course she has. Perception. Iconic. 

After that we don’t see her out of anything beyond her famous havah-braids-make up combo. Even when she’s with her family, and Navani remarks in her setting down the mask of the queen, she remains masked. There are still defences up. She never fully lets her family in on her plans, or her thoughts and fears. 

No, the next time we see her symbolically, and emotionally, vulnerable: is with Wit. Perhaps for the first time, fully, without ANY of her usual masks and pretences, and under her own steam and of her own volition. 

Locked away in a central room on the second level—sharing no walls with the outside, alone save for Wit’s company—she could finally let herself relax.

She DELIBERATELY picks a house with a second floor, and an interior  room with no outside walls, with multiple fabrial traps to warn of assassins or intruders. But she manages to relax in  Wit’s company. There’s a trust there. An understanding. A much needed vulnerability. 

Clothing wise, in this scene Jasnah is dressed only in a nightgown and a dressing gown, and is carefully noted to have her safehand uncovered. Jasnah isn’t Vorin, strictly speaking, but she’s still been raised her entire life in a society that views safehands as something inherently sexual/to be hidden. So much so that she takes the time and care to sew herself a safehand glove while in Shadesmar. So all of this is a fairly Big Deal. It’s a Big Deal for anyone. For Jasnah? More miraculous than Kaladin giggling. 

Jasnah Kholin is not vulnerable. Jasnah Kholin is never unguarded. Jasnah Kholin never willingly lets her guard down. Jasnah Kholin is absolutely as paranoid as Elhokar, if not more so. 

She’s made herself a BUNKER at this point. She’s in an interior room, surrounded by traps, there’s spheres sewn into her dressing gown, and she has a wholeass BOAT waiting for her in Shadesmar JUST IN CASE someone manages to get through: guards, an entire BUILDING, multiple rigged traps, then her, with her plate, her blade, her Soulcasting ability, and all of her wit and skill, to somehow manage to wound her badly enough that she has to retreat to Shadesmar. 

This woman does not do trust. She does not do vulnerability. To the point that it is absolutely 1000000% a fault. This IS Jasnah’s greatest flaw. Her isolation. Her mistrust. Her paranoia. 

Anyone that comes into her life she’s suspicious of. She blithely warns Shallan about Kabsal stating he’s only using her to get close to Jasnah to steal from her/kill her. 

We dismiss this, and look at it as brilliance/Jasnah knowing all, because she’s right. But it’s flawed brilliance. Because it’s the ‘broken clock’ fallacy, you know? If you suspect EVERYONE around you of being an assassin...Well, some of them will be. 

Jasnah’s paranoia is another meta, however. But the point here is that: Jasnah doesn’t do anything by halves. She has an ideal for how she wants to live her life and she COMMITS to it. And part of that is her presentation, and the perception she projects, to an unhealthy degree, even around trusted family. 

So the fact she has found someone she can relax all of her INCREDIBLY strict and overzealous masking and enforced personal presentation? Is both very significant in terms of her relationship with Wit, but also herSELF? 

Because Jasnah NEEDS this. She needs it like Kaladin needs therapy yesterday. 

Jasnah is a “strong independent woman” but if you double down on that idea, and follow it up with “Jasnah is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man/anyone” then you are absolutely 1000% missing the whole entire point of her character. 

All the Stormlight characters are deconstructions of classical fantasy tropes, to varying extents. 

Jasnah is the ‘strong independent woman’ trope except asking what if you ACTUALLY apply that to an actual human person? What would that do to them? How would that hurt them? And what it does is everything Jasnah is.

Which has been done so MASTERFULLY because we look at all of these flaws, and these objectively negative things that she does to cope with having this label slapped onto her, and we golf clap quietly in a corner and go ‘wow that’s so badass, that’s so cool, let’s totally romantacise all of these actually deeply worrying coping mechanisms and not look at them at all until Brandon smashes us in the face with them like a baseball bat with the nails of Jasnah’s trauma pounded into it’. 

Okay maybe that was SLIGHTLY dramatic. But my point is: Jasnah’s apparent omniscience can also be looked at as extreme paranoia and mistrust. 

Her independence and ability to ‘get shit done’ on her own, to the point she doesn’t tell another living soul about the LITERAL APOCALYPSE for more than HALF A DECADE is actually self-inflicted dangerous isolation. 

Her constantly being poised, and on her game, and never displaying any emotion is actually extreme repression, to the point her own MOTHER describes her as ‘having the empathy of a corpse’. 

Her consistent othering by all of the other characters, from her ward to her mother, deifying her, and othering her, and considering her immortal is actually putting her on a pedestal and cramming an INCREDIBLE amount of pressure to reach an impossible, unattainable, and inhuman level of perfection that becomes so normalised and commonplace that her return from the dead is just like ‘well yeah that’s just Jasnah’. 

And all of these things are INCREDIBLY unhealthy!!! They’re not something any real person should have to do just to exist. Especially not in the middle of an apocalypse. When her father was killed in front of her. And then her brother was murdered. And the apocalypse she tried to warn everyone about is happening. And she’s the most experienced Radiant. And she’s also suddenly a queen of her kingdom. Which has been taken over by the enemy btw. And they’re in the middle of a war. And people are dying. And she’s responsible for those people dying. But also some of her highprinces are treacherous bastards. And oh look here’s a couple of slightly mad Heralds she’s taken charge of and- OH MY GOD PLEASE LET HER NAP!? 

Again. Slight hyperbole on my end but I feel like I’m #Justified. The point is, her suddenly, after FOUR books, having a single person that she can confide in, and be vulnerable with, and admit she’s afraid, and uncertain, and doesn’t know what she’s doing, and isn’t sure she can actually do this, is not ~anti-feminist~ and it’s not “out of character” and it’s not damaging her ideal it’s actually deeply positive, and healthy, and a symptom of Character Growth. 

Jasnah’s is choosing Wit. With her eyes wide open. And she has some reservations about things, because she’s JASNAH, of course she does. But she listens to him. She confides in him. She lets him see HER. She lets him help HER. She admits that she needs that help. She actually says to him, out loud, with full human words, to his face, right in front of him, that she’s frightened. SHE ADMITS THIS!!! Jasnah’s having all this stealth background character development that y’all are sleeping on but I am personally deeply hype about. 

And it’s because Wit UNDERSTANDS her. And she understands him. And this is really the crux and core of this whole relationship for me, you know? This whole idea around them always being The Strong One. and finally FINALLY (for him, too) having someone that they don’t have to be strong for. Or regal. Or composed. Or poised. Or in control. Or even knowing what the fuck they’re doing. 

She can just...Be. She can ask questions. And show uncertainty. And admit to fear. And to doubt, of herself, of the other Radiants, of humanity in general. And have someone to look to, when everyone is ALWAYS looking at her. 

It’s the beginning of an actual support system. Because she needs this SO badly. Because she has her family but she also...Doesn’t have her family? She looks after them. She protects them. From assassins, and then from what was happening in the world/her role in it. Because there’s that line in Oathbringer that she has, about people loving her but still hurting her. 

Navani mentions that after she hit adolescence (and after her parents locked her in a dark room and let her scream herself hoarse because they called her mad, lol) she withdrew. And she no longer asked questions. And she no longer wanted a mother, or a support figure, or someone to take care of her. She rejected all notions of that. Because there was something broken there. That trust was gone. And Jasnah will set aside the crown, and the mask of the queen around her family, but she is only fully vulnerable, and fully HERSELF with Wit. 

And I cannot understate (i feel like I’m doing a Good Job of not understating this here people) how absolutely fucking ESSENTIAL that is. 

Jasnah is NOT a machine. She is not a divine being beyond trauma and pain. She is a human being who has suffered, and who has responses to this. 

Jasnah accepting Wit’s support and companionship is as big a step in processing and healing from her trauma as Kaladin accepting he can’t protect everyone and does not deserve to always carry that guilt. 

I don’t care if you don’t like the ship. I don’t care if you think it was rushed (there was...a year long time skip. Things did not remain in stasis. Things changed. This is an interesting narrative device bringing us into them and letting us extrapolate backwards). I don’t care if you hate the bones of Hoid and never want to see him on screen: I DON’T CARE. 

If you have any respect and regard for Jasnah as a character I need you to acknowledge that this relationship is a positive and healthy thing for her. I need you to see that it’s a step forwards. I need you to see that, from a purely narrative standpoint: this is a thing that should be celebrated for her. 

In terms of Wit, too, this is a good thing. I am not about one-sided relationships where only one person is getting something out of it. Even when that one person is the light of my life Jasnah Kholin who deserves all the things ever. 

For all his talk of frivolity, he knew exactly how to present himself. It was something they’d bonded over.

Coming back to this RoW quote let me make things as abundantly clear as possible re why I’ve bonded over this ship: They’re kindred spirits. They understand each other. In a way that no-one else has understood them for Jasnah possibly ever, for Wit in a very very very very very very very very very long time. 

They’re both brilliant. They’re both intellectually at the pinnacle of humanity. They both know that. They’re also both damaged. They both  cover up that damage with a carefully crafted presentation. Jasnah’s is regal composure and Wit’s flamboyant nonchalance, but it’s a mask in both cases. 

They understand each other. And they understand the need to have what they’ve found in one another: someone they don’t have to be that way around. Someone they can just be with. Someone who understands why they have to be that way with everyone else; but can give them the freedom to be themselves. 

Such parallel. Much power. Very choice. 

I was gonna talk about Other Stuff in this meta but lol. 4k words of clothes screaming later and I feel like maybe this should be part 1 of an ongoing saga. Ahem. 

The take away from this is: I totally understand why Brandon put these two characters together. For the amount of characters he has, he actually has relatively few romantic relationships. None of them are done on a whim, and they’re always healthy, mutual, and positive for both characters. They make sense, in short. 

And these two as a pairing makes sense. On more than a “”””business transaction””””” level of them wanting and getting information out of one another. It makes sense even if there was no Desolation, and no threat to the world, and they were two randomers who met in a tavern and connected. 

There’s a personal connection there. There’s an intimacy, and an understanding, and a sense of looking into another person’s eyes and saying ‘yes. You know. You feel it too’. They go through life in much the same way - standing out, never quite fitting, never finding anyone on their level that can relate to them or compete with them or challenge them. 

They have someone who can fulfil them. Someone who can actually meet and exceed their abilities for once. But equally someone who can ground them, and meet them at their lowest point, and allow and even encourage that vulnerability. 

TL;DR: this relationship is positive for both characters, and healthy, and important for both and this is a hill I WILL fucking die upon. Just watch me. 

More metas to follow. Bc I have more to say. Not as long as this one, in all likelihood, bc I feel like this is the Lynchpin argument for this pair. But still. More to say.

[thestarlightforge]

Happy to provide, friend.

Yes, you are absolutely still disabled.

From an activism standpoint (academia info dump): The social model of disability takes the onus off the disabled person to “fix” whatever medical condition(s) they may live with—instead, it “shifts the emphasis from personal inadequacy or abnormality to physical and societal (legal, cultural, and attitudinal) barriers experienced by a person with impairment. These barriers are viewed as disabling the person and are external to the individual. This viewpoint shifts the focus onto the rights of disabled people and the requirement for society to change,” (Crabtree 2013).

Of course there’s still discourse about which model of disability people subscribe to. I’m more partial to the economic model and its value politics, which Navajo scholar Sandra Yellowhorse talks a lot about (1, 2, 3): Like in the social model, “disabled” is part of the verb phrase here—i.e. society and its discrimination and refusal to accommodate people’s needs actively disables a person—but also, disability is primarily an economic construct of colonial/imperial systems of oppression which ascribe value to human beings based on their assumed potential to produce economic goods and uphold the settler-colonial capitalist system. Or put plainly, society judges people’s value—decides who it’s gonna spend money on—based on who it thinks it can take the most money from and/or who is most in the way of perpetuating the capitalist machine. It doesn’t usually believe it can make sh*t off Disabled people, it doesn’t invest in them, which in turn leads to overtly discriminatory practices.

No matter what model(s) you subscribe to (of the many), having a medical issue/impairment/serious mental health issue can suck a lot. (It’s true—that flight of stairs might not become a ramp just because the disabled girl smiled at it; nothing about your attitude makes the lack of a ramp the wheelchair user’s fault.) It sucks because of the lack of society’s effort—them refusing to make accommodations that would let us participate more fully & equitably—and it sucks because it just hurts sometimes, to have a mind and/or body that feel like they’re working against you. I think the answer is far less “fix the person” and far more “fix the world,” but I get why some (heavy emphasis on “some”) disabled folks would want to be “cured.”

Regardless, though, you said it yourself: “Cured” is a spectrum and your mental illness (both its effects on your brain and, I’m guessing, body also the societal factors that make it harder to manage/harder for you to hold down a job while you have it) is still affecting your life and your ability to participate as fully in society as you’d like. Even if you are able to keep a job, haven’t been “cured” and the deck remains stacked against you (because of the sh*t society we live in and because of the symptoms you experience), though you adapt as best you can.

TL;DR: You’re definitely still disabled. And your community of peers who also identify as disabled is behind you.

question for my fellow mentally fucked humans and/or anyone with a disability of any kind who has been able to keep a job for longer than a month

i've been receiving disability benefits since 2014, which means i haven't worked a full day at a real job since 2014. i'm *finally* getting my shit together to prepare myself for when i eventually do get a real job, and while i'm excited to take that step, i'm somehow wondering if i'll still be considered disabled because i'm able to work again or if that'll mean i'm like "cured" or whatever. because ultimately, my mental illness does get in the way of me living a full life and the kind of life most people are able to live and the kinds of careers most people are able to have. i can't do those things, and i wish i could, but i can't fix what's broken - only manage it (which i am).

am i still disabled if i can hold down a job? i know the answer is yes, but i'd still like some reassurance. ❤️