#yes they look like cinderella and fiona

[brainjvice]

I watched wicked yesterday and i brainrotted so bad I had to make a kaisae!AU out of it.

[weeeeeekly]

listen to me – jake sim x afab!reader

blurb Your friend mysterious disappears from her Halloween party, and as the good friend you are, you drive to the apartment of some random guy she left with. You, either unfortunately or fortunately, stumble upon something out-of-this-world.

info incubus!jake x human!reader ft. stayc sumin, sieun, isa (lee chaeyoung), & jay from enhypen

WARNINGS!!! NSFW, MDNI 18+ blog, dubcon/noncon since jake does influence the reader to stay, somnophilia maybe, allusion/mention of “drugging” for bad reasons, dom!reader, sub!jake, minor character deaths, swearing, reader is mean to jake, riding position (sorry it’s the only position i know how to write), use of “babe” for reader, mention of “pussy”, not proofread/edited just pure free flowing thought

this is FICTION!!!!! everything is made up by me. the stuff written out is not meant to be a representation of the people, places, or ideas mentioned. also, prob not accurate to real life counterparts – idk sex.

wc 1.7k

You were currently at your best friend Chaeyoung’s apartment for her Halloween party. You’re dressed up as Jennifer Coolidge as Fiona and Chaeyoung is Sam from A Cinderella Story.

The baby pink nightgown and matching sheer robe was bought secondhand off the internet, and you made sure deep clean and steam it. You need to smell and look good if you were going to get lucky tonight.

And you were at the point where you would fuck anyone. Literally (almost) anyone.

Your standards had been lowered substantially as your horniness levels increased substantially. It wasn’t your fault that you had been unintentionally forced into a dry spell this semester due to your internship and part time job. You were quite literally too busy to fuck.

But that was all going to change tonight. Friday, October 31st Halloween. Your bosses let you off early today due to them both having children that they were going to take trick or treating, and you had the day off tomorrow. It felt like an apology from the universe for putting too much on your plate so far.

Yes, you were angrily stewing in the corner on your phone since Chaeyoung did run away at midnight with some guy she just met at the party in true Cinderella fashion. Leaving behind a pissed you as she knew that you wanted to be at 1 AM since you work at 8 AM and it was 1:30 AM with her no where to be found.

Just great.

“Please leave a message after the tone.”

“Dude, where the fuck are you? Please send an address so I can bring you back and I can go home.”

1:30 AM

you where r u

you seriously

you ?????

you i have work in 6 hours & i want to sleep

1:35 AM

chae 1130 decelis drive

you ur alive omg

Opening up Find My for Chaeyoung’s updated location. You turn to get your car keys out of your bag, excusing yourself in the sea of people in her apartment as they throw back alcoholic drinks. Sumin and Sieun spot you from the couch and walk to you.

Sumin asks, “Where is Chae?”

“I’m going to get her right now.” You tell the duo dressed as Brianna and Gabriella, part of the group costume of A Cinderella Story.

“We’ll make sure the party doesn’t spiral out of control.” Sieun tells you.

You thank them and exit the apartment, running down the 4 flights of stairs to the parking lot.

Standing outside of whoever the fuck’s apartment, you can’t help but notice how nice the complex is. Too nice to be in your price zone. You got lucky that the set of gates were open for the holiday.

You ring the doorbell and send another text to Chaeyoung as you take notice of the immaculately decorated doorway, fake cobwebs and life size skeletons on either side of the door.

The door opens to reveal an extremely attractive guy around your age, dressed as a vampire.

“May I help you?” A thick Australian accent takes you by surprise.

“Hey, I’m here to get my friend, Chaeyoung. She’s in a white ballgown and a white mask.”

The guy nods as he not-so-subtly checks you out. “Oh her? Yeah, she’s currently busy with Jay.”

“Can I come in to get her?”

He steps aside, inviting you in. “Be my guest. I’m Jake, by the way.”

You tell him your name as you walk in. Jake closes the door behind you and points you to the hallway.

“Doors at the end.”

He walks behind you as you follow his directions. As you get closer you can hear low music behind the door, but as you raise your hand to knock, the door swings open. Chaeyoung is sound asleep on the bed and Jay is sitting up next to her, looking at you.

“She’s a little tired.” He winks at you.

“Cool. I don’t care. I’ll just carry her back to my car.”

Jay looks behind you, presumedly to Jake, but you ignore it and walk over to your friend.

Jake’s hand creep up onto your shoulders. “You should stay. Can’t you see that Chaeyoung is in deep sleep.”

You grit your teeth as you remove his hands. “I’d feel better if she was sound asleep in her own bed in her apartment. I really don’t have time for this.”

Lightly shaking Chaeyoung, you whisper. “Wake up.”

When she doesn’t stir even when you begin violently shaking her shoulders, you feel a chill creep over you. Turning to Jay, you spit out “Did you fucking drug her!”

“I didn’t drug her.”

“Oh my god, you did! What the fuck is your problem?“

“Jake.” Jay begins, but you shock him by picking up Chaeyoung. Jake stands in front of you, stopping you from leaving the room.

Your biggest mistaken was looking into his eyes – eyes that were glowing red as he began compelling you.

“Listen to me.” Your body is under his control. “Put her back on the bed and follow me to my room.”

Following his commands, you end up finding yourself in his room across the hallway. You don’t feel fully cognizant, but you know you didn’t eat or drink anything from them. You surmise that you must have inhaled something in Jay’s room; that still wouldn’t explain the glowing, red eyes.

Makeup technology has come a long way.

“Why are you doing this?”

Looking up at him, Jake smiles at you as he strokes your cheek.

“Go to sleep.”

Waking up to someone laying next to you is weird, especially when that person is Jake and you’re not at home to start getting ready for work. “You’re fucking kidding.”

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.”

You try to sit up, but your body won’t move – you don’t have any feeling in your limbs.

“God, I can’t believe I made you my sleep paralysis demon.”

He dramatically sighs and pretends to faint, “You think of me?”

Thankfully, you can roll your eyes. “You’re such a dick. Why can’t I move my body?”

“You’re under my spell, babe.”

Narrowing your eyes, you open your mouth to call him a “cunt”, and not in a positive cunty way, when you watch with your own two eyes as your phone floats from your bag into Jake’s expectant hand. He notices your heart speeds up at the scariness of not understanding what was happening.

“Don’t worry, babe, it’s just some borrowed demon magic.” He casually throws out as he types on your phone. “Anddd… you’re out sick for today, you’re welcome.”

“I know you’re hot and all, but if you wanted to get my number you could have talked to me normally at Chae’s party. Not do all this weird ass shit.”

“You think I’m hot?” Jake smirks.

“Don’t ignore me!”

The next thing you know, Jake is hovering above you with his hands next to your head, his eyes on your lips. “You should touch me.”

As if the so-called “demon magic” spell was broken, one hand tangles through his blond hair and your other goes over his lush lips. “You’re hotter when you shut up.”

You did think Jake was very attractive – minus all the creep energy – you’re still not entirely sure what was happening, but you did want to fuck him. “I’m in charge now.”

Flipping him over, you have both of your knees on either side of him, pinning his hands to the bed as you sat on his waist, feeling his boner. You lean down to kiss his lips. He’s an amazing kisser which shouldn’t be a surprise, but you were thankful that he knew how to use his mouth.

“You should take your pants off.”

Jake’s pants rip clean off as you help him, discarding them off to the side. He grins when you’re immediately greeted by his dick as he wasn’t wearing any boxers.

“You went commando?”

“Easy access.”

Pushing him back down on the bed, you reach into your bra for the condom you stashed in there earlier. He raises an eyebrow at you as you open the packet. “Just like you said – easy access.”

The condom is rolled onto his dick, and you waste no time lining it up to your pussy and sink down on him. Jake throws his head back in pleasure, hissing at the feeling as you let out a moan.

“Fuck, now that’s good.” You say as you begin rocking back and forth.

He lets out a groan in response as you move your lips to his ear, “We could have done this hours ago if you just talked to me.”

“Guess we should, shit, make up for, fuck, lost time. God.”

Jake’s hips buck up to meet yours as you continue riding him, enjoying the slight strain in your thighs as your knees hold his hands down.

“Can’t use your “magic” now.”

It’s like his dick was made with you in mind with the way he’s filling you right now. The pleasure is so good that you almost lose your train of thought. But if he keeps moaning underneath you like that, you might allow dumbification to take over.

So close. And you were close to cumming.

“You’re so pretty.” Jake blurts out causing you to clench around him at the compliment. “D-don’t do that or I’ll cum.”

“But I want that.” You clench around him again and make sure to slow your movements down. Jake continues bucking his hips into you and you know he’s close when his eyes screw shut.

Smiling, you reach into your bra to clutch the silver cross and slam the item down on Jake’s chest. He screams in pain as the cross touches his skin, harming the incubus. Jay slams the door open and falls to the ground when you throw the cross at him.

Removing yourself from him, you fix your dress and grab the holy water from your bag. “Now you can’t hurt anymore girls.”

Ceremoniously, you dump the flask over Jake as the incubus inside his body dies. Once Jake lays still do you check for his pulse, faint but still there, and pick up your phone. You step over Jay’s body and dumping more holy water to retrieve Chaeyoung.

“Are you done?” She asks while checking her nails.

“Yeah, now let’s get out of here. We still have 4 more to go.”

masterlist | kinktober masterlist

author’s note happy halloween!!! idk what this turned into… but kinktober is officially ober for me! i wanted to write more, but life got in the way :/

anywayyyy time to focus on the inheritance, write the other one shots for december version of kinktober, & the other ideas i have

[eating-the-inedible]

So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry.

Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?

[millard-nullings-shoulders]

I had a sensory overload today and cried on my boyfriend chest, so you're all getting headcanons so I can make myself feel better! Don't pay any attention as to how late it is!

Jacob:

-He has so little confidence in himself that it's actually sad

-Cannot be stopped from making self depreciating jokes, no matter how many times people tell him it's not good

-If this boy had a tiktok it would be blank. Maybe a cartoon pfp, but not a single video (Same bruh same)

Emma

-Out of everyone in the loop, she's the best at makeup. Doesn't mean she wears it all the time, but when she does good shit

-If she's in a bad mood, she can destroy you with words if she wants to. Luckily, this doesn't happen often, especially not to her friends. Random men that don't leave her alone on the other hand...

-For a while she had a "I'm not like other girls" thing going on, especially whenever Noor first came around. Not really there anymore though

Millard

-Do you ever get sensory overloads and cry? Then boy, do I have the cure for you! Cry while he hugs you. Automatic cure, I can confirm this right now from personal experience

-Sometimes he gets a little too focused on something and won't realize just how late he's said up until someone has to actually drag him to bed

-Gives the best and most thoughtful gifts. Oh? You collect pinned bugs? He's finding out where to get a rare pinned bug and giving you that on Valentine's day! Yes, that's what he did for me, I love him so much #justfictivethings lol

Hugh

-Out of everyone in the loop, he has the most...complex feelings about his gender. Being so tied to bees, he's beegender, but with that comes some strange feelings. Most bees are female, so he does feel a strong connection to femininity. But at the same time, he still feels tied to drones/male bees.

-He tries not to think too much about it, and maybe keeps it bottled up a bit too much. Maybe it's because it stresses him out to ponder too much. Maybe he's embarrassed to talk about it. No matter what though, he does feel a lot of gender euphoria wearing skirts and confusing people about what gender he is.

-His sexuality is probably just as confusing to find an exact label, but it's not something he worries about. He just ends up using the term queer and calls it a day

Fiona

-Fiona being plantgender surprises no one, and it never will. Same with her being bi. She just...you can just look at her and tell

-She's probably the least happy in a modern setting. Everything is just...too much for her. She likes the whole cottagecore thing, but she'd much rather keep to her usual ways. So still stuck in the late 1800's

-She has a way to talk to Hugh with just...looks. Slight facial expressions, body language, they just know each other that well. More often than not, they're flirting with each other like this out in the open

Enoch

-Was put on kitchen duty once....Once. The peculiars don't talk about this often

-You can't pay him to play sports with the other boys. He'd sooner pull teeth

-I am voting him as most likely to have filled his homework with doodles

Horace

-He's not a fan of many things in the modern day, but he does appreciate a few things. Easier tools for cooking, Google, and easy access to fabric to name a few things

-What he isn't a fan of though? Fashion (obviously), dance trends, and the modern humor

-His scream could break glass

Bronwyn

-HATES it when people call her a man for whatever reason. On bad days, it makes her cry

-She has a bit of hyper empathy with animals, especially baby ones

-A boy hit on her ONCE and she felt physically nauseous about it for a whole WEEK

Claire

-Says her favorite Disney princess is Aurora because her dress is pink, it's actually Cinderella because of the song "so this is love"

-She sees everyone in the loop as her siblings, but especially Enoch

-In a modern setting, she is addicted to those dress up flash games, bonus points if they're princess themed

Olive

-Sometimes she rolls her ankle in those big shoes, there are a lot of tears from that

-Has stepped on toes before! Bones were indeed broken!

-Master at finding lost items. No idea why

Bonus Victor!

-Horrible about confessing his feelings

-Makes horrible decisions when he gets nervous. It's like all critical thinking goes out the window

-Seems like the type with pencil graphite stuck in his hand permanently somewhere

[jeannettegray]

You know, I get that in the original comics Gomez Addams was an ugly man, and his devotion to Morticia was meant to contrast the way this gremlin-looking man was actually a far better and far healthier husband than any of the conventionally good-looking ones. Really, I get it, I understand the point.

But I'm sick and tired of that point.

Because in Beauty/Beast pairings, when we are told to judge a lover's worth by their soul rather than their looks, the wife is always hot. Even in a monsterfucking way, she is at the very least cute.

Belle, obviously. Esmeralda. Fiona (yes, Fiona. We are told she looks uglier than Shrek but come the fuck on: https://wallpaperaccess.com/full/6204052.jpg). The Ancient Magus Bride. Even Cinderella’s Anastasia was made prettier for the sequel where she gets a boyfriend.

I've never in my entire life ever seen one single "looks don't matter!" couple where the girl was ugly.

So, YES, I liked Gomez to be hot. Sue me.

[wegog]

Bog and Marianne: love story that we deserve

(yes, i watched Strange Magic...again) 

Every Strange Magic’s fan realizes how underrated this movie is. We talk about it all the time ... So, I propose to discuss this masterpiece again (honestly, I’ll never get tired of it)! I don't want to mention the failed ad campaign and other Disney’s mistakes. It just seems important to me to take up the plot, or its main part - the relationship between the Bog King and Marianne. This’s a subject fans talk about all the time. Therefore, it’s difficult for me to be original in this case, but I’ll try. It’ll be great to once again showcase the details make Strange Magic so deep and unique

Introduction

I should probably start by saying that I mostly don't waste my time watching romance movies. And before it seemed to me this’s because I don’t like this theme and in general love is difficult, painful, but at the same time boring (of course, i mean representation of ‘love’ in the movies, for example). However, then I realized the fact is that I too strictly evaluate books, works of art (movies and even paintings), the main objective of which is to demonstrate a certain image, a certain understanding of this important feeling. I'm too picky, which makes many classic Disney movies feel fake and intolerable to me. This brings up the question why Strange Magic, a horrible rated film that no one knows exist, seems interesting to me? Why did the love arise overnight between a goblin and a fairy touched my heart so much? Of course, first of all, I really liked this atypical presentation of the story of Beauty and the Beast. Actually, that's why I decided to watch Strange Magic, despite the fact that everything pointed to the poor quality of this, and besides, I don’t like musicals. Of course, I don't regret anything. This movie is amazing. And I thought I love Strange Magic because actually I'm a very strange person who is just as awkward as this whole movie. I enjoy the way it makes fun of some parts of all these silly fairy tales about princes and princesses, their false feelings for each other. But it looks like I realized this movie is more than meets the eye.

In my opinion, children deserve quality movies, quality adaptations of fairy tales. The fact that we’re talking about something childish doesn’t mean it should be silly and shallow. And it's good when movies make their small viewers think about different aspects of life. And I enjoy there’re a lot of stories for children now that touch on serious questions. However, when it comes to romantic love, everything remains too monotonous (for example, I really like Maleficent, which criticizes the absurdity of baseless romantic feelings, and also demonstrates the importance of platonic relationships). To be honest, there’re a lot of clichés in Strange Magic. Does this mean that once again we saw a typical romantic story, which even children have already watched many times? No, because clichés are very good if used correctly. Moreover, if this’s only the basis for newer ideas. So, recalling the romantic stories that Disney, Pixar, etc. usually showed us, we can distinguish several categories: 1) classic, but outdated (Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, etc.) 2) stories where the main characters fall in love with each other during their adventure (Rapunzel, Frozen, etc.) 3) the most interesting thing is when romantic love helps the character to develop, reveals his/her personality (of course, this is Shrek), in Shrek 2, the relationship between Shrek and Fiona plays a more important role, but still helps to develop the main plot. It should be said now there’re many adaptations of classic fairy tales seek to eliminate their disadvantages and make these stories relevant to modern audiences. We can also distinguish a few more categories, but I already want to move on to the main question. I think many have noticed Strange Magic and Shrek are very similar, so we can say the story of Marianne and Bog belongs to the third category. However, in Shrek, a romantic part of the plot doesn't matter much, while Strange Magic, like Griselda, constantly reminds us of love. One of the reasons why I often want to analyze this movie is that despite the obvious similarities with other popular works (Beauty and the Beast, Megamind), I cannot accurately refer Strange Magic to any category. All the movie’s advantages and disadvantages make it unique. That’s why I want (like many others) to analyze the relationship between the Bog King and Marianne, explain why this story is very important and what is so new about it. 

The main part (finally)

Love is a dream...sometimes is actually a nightmare

Perhaps, I should start with why some people don't like the way relationship between the goblin and the fairy developed. Too fast. They fell in love too quickly. And I think this is an interesting example of how a good idea can be misinterpreted. We all know that Strange Magic is inspired by William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. And most importantly, the main events of the comedy take place in one night. A totally crazy night, where many metamorphoses happen, related to a magic flower that works like a love potion in the movie. This, of course, very much reminds Strange Magic’s concept, when because of the mistake of Sunny and the trick of the imp (analogue of Puck), everything is confused. Bog and Marianne get acquainted under incredible circumstances. A night like this shouldn't have happened, the goblin and the fairy weren't supposed to fall in love. That’s why it’s very important their relationship develops during this period of time. Among other things, there’re many signs that Marianne would most likely have met the Bog King anyway. This is evidenced by her words at the very beginning

I also want to remind you Strange Magic is a fairy tale. Yes, the main characters had known each other for less than 24 hours and still kissed, but this’s completely typical situation for a fairy tale. And, for example, we all remember Shrek (a great example of a famous movie), we remember Shrek and Fiona didn’t hesitate to become husband and wife, although they had known each other for less than a week. This’s actually completely normal for this genre. If the character relationship has an interesting development, we’re ready to accept these conventions.

Curiously, at the beginning of the movie we see here’s a possibility in the future Marianne’ll be able to fall in love with the King of goblins. Well, firstly, as I mentioned above, the princess is very open-minded and want to befriend the goblins. Second, pay attention to the boutonniere she made for Roland

Obviously this suits Bog better. This means Marianne has always liked something atypical for her culture. And here we come to another complaint from people who don't like the movie. Marianne's ‘transformation’ into a ‘tough girl’ after breaking up with Roland is such a cliché. I know! But here in this context it works. Because in fact the princess just becomes herself. In the first shots we see she’s interested in weapons, wants to communicate with goblins, prefers strange boutonnieres to ordinary traditionally beautiful flowers, doesn’t care about her appearance, etc. Marianne is completely different from other fairies. And the relationship with Roland simply didn’t allow her to be herself. She tells Bog about it

The King is also ready to face his destiny. Ironically, many people think (I agree with that) that Dawn's influence matters here. Personally, I think that the goblin was quite gentle even before meeting the dusted fairy (because he initially treated her well), however, the behavior of the fairy clearly confused Bog and of course he remembered that once he was in love... It all helped him to become more open to new feelings

So, Bog and Marianne finally met each other, and the viewer begins to realize they’re the perfect couple. I mean, it was too obvious ...

(there’re a lot of examples: during the fight they copy each other's movements (their fight is an amazing thing, enough has already been said about this), the goblin and the fairy finish sentences one after another, Griselda's comment and other things that have been analyzed many times; this gifset shows it perfectly)

I want to focus on my favorite part and explain what the love story of Bog and Marianne can teach. So many the movie’s fans like that before they met each other, Bog and princess already had romantic feelings for other creatures. This’s a really great detail because it’s realistic. Unfortunately, we very rarely find a couple and spend with this person our whole life. Bog and Marianne were both unlucky, they fell in love with creatures that didn’t love them back. This demonstrates (again) how similar they really are. Their stories are the identical but very different at the same time. Marianne and Roland are a typical situation. Roland cheated on his fiancée, he manipulated the girl, he didn’t allow her to be herself ... And unfortunately any of us can find ourselves in such a situation. It seems to me sometimes it’s necessary to show toxic relationships in children's movies, to show a person shouldn’t be afraid to leave it and how important it’s to be faithful to yourself and your aspirations. The situation with Bog and ‘the most beautiful creature he ever saw’ is much more interesting. The goblin really wanted to get the attention of a creature that didn't like him back, so he used the potion just like...Roland. But if Roland wanted to get the crown, Bog obviously lacked self-confidence, the goblin also thought he was doing the right thing because he would sincerely care about his dusted girlfriend. Bog shows his first reaction. And when someone rejects us it's hard so we feel like we're just not good enough for some person (or even for all persons in our world)

However, what the King says afterwards is much more important

He understands it’s wrong to evaluate other creature's feelings in this way. The potion was a mistake, and if it worked, it would hurt not only the goblin, but also his mysterious object of adoration. This’s also an important part of our world. Because sometimes we act wrong towards our partners. It seems to us if we love them, then everything will be perfect. However, sometimes people just become selfish and overbearing. So it’s very important to work on yourself and be able to admit your mistakes. I think in children's movies we need to talk more about responsibility and empathy in relation to loved ones.

Bog’s and Marianne’s loneliness 

I would also like to talk about how the goblin’s king and princess of The Fairy Kingdom decided they would always be alone (guys, we knew that you wouldn’t succeed)

Obviously, Marianne couldn't to trust anybody after Roland's cheating. It also seems to me by reason of the princess is a very atypical representative of her culture, I don’t think the fairy believed she would find another fairy who would take her unusual personality. I like the fact Marianne’s not afraid to be alone. It is very important to understand that it’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship that you can’t stand

Why is Bog alone? At first glance, it seems the goblin is unsure of himself and also angry because of the damn love potion that didn’t help him. However, I think there’s another reason. Obviously, Bog doesn’t want a relationship without mutual love. I mean, he's the king, and Griselda constantly introduces him to new girls, nothing prevented him from choosing one. Bog's caring attitude towards love is evidenced by this phrase he said to Dawn

It's so sweet he tries to open her eyes to what is really going on. It makes me think Bog hates love potion because ‘nothing would have been real’ with it. (It's funny, because the goblin might actually know the answer to the Sugar Plum Fairy's riddle) I like to think Bog didn't want a relationship without love

In Strange Magic, the main characters weren’t afraid to be alone. However, first of all it was important for them to be themselves and when the time came, the goblin and the fairy weren’t afraid again (almost weren’t afraid) to confess their feelings to each other. A great lesson, no matter if you have a couple or not, the main thing is to be comfortable with yourself.

Small details that I would like to discuss

I really like the metaphor related to The Dark Forest and Marianne's attitude toward Bog (another good gifset shows how the fairy perceives the forest before and after falling in love with the goblin). At first, Marianne feels fear

However, then she completely changes her opinion

It’s curious, the sister helps Marianne overcome the fear of the forest (when the princess goes to save Dawn and bravely take up with the fight with Bog), but she falls in love with the Dark Forest thanks to the goblin, who demonstrates to her sometimes things’re not what they look like.

(I know it was originally planned Marianne should face exactly Bog in the forest and instead of ‘that place’ she would say ‘that face’, but a final version seems to me deeper)

The movie often opposes the relationship between Marianne and Roland with relationship  between Marianne and Bog (example)

I think many have noticed that Marianne often talks about adventures

Roland responds very self-centered, as if now the only adventure the princess can have is her future husband

Bog as usual reads the thoughts of the fairy. And he’s ready to share the adventure with his princess. A very interesting detail.

These are just a few examples of how logical this movie is. A lot of dialogues are connected with each other, you can clearly see how the characters and their relationships develop ... This’s really so underrated thing.

@magic-and-moonlit-wings​ gives many good examples of plot analyzes in this post

In the end it’s important to note Strange Magic is, first of all, interesting because the romantic story here is very multifaceted and even unique. Such children's movies are worthy of attention. I would even say if you hate all these fairy tales about love, find them boring and mediocre, watching this masterpiece is a great way to change your mind.

[queenmina37]

Nedzu Is a disturbing stoat but I don’t think he’s as smart as the heroes think like they’re all like “he’s the smartest thing on the planet” and then I look at some of these fuckers in the mafia and I’m like “is he though”

Back to my random hcs it’s the season so “what do the mafia crews go as for Halloween”

Cause you know that they do group costumes

Gesso:

They do cryptids but like the dress up as each other’s cryptids

Izuku: dresses up as Mothman

Bykuran: dresses up as a zombie with bug wings(Daisy)

Kikyo: dresses up as a mermaid

Torikabuto: dresses up like a ghost with tenticles and an ankle long wig

Bluebell: dresses up like a T-Rex

Zakuro: dresses up like a angel (byakuran)

Daisy: using a bunch of fake snakes on puppet strings dresses up as the hydra but with eyeliner

Kai: dresses up like a pumpkin cause it’s his first time trick or treating and that’s an American tradition to dress up as a pumpkin for your first Halloween costume

Volonga 10 gen:

The demon prefect

Knowing that they can’t get hibari kyoya to dress up in a costume let alone a group costume with all of them…

All of the Volonga 10th Gen (minus the kids) including murukos gang dress up as Hibari (he will participate as part of the group costume whether or not he dresses up)

They all also exclusively talk in the classic hibari vocabulary (including grunts, growls, feral blood lust noises, and the words herbivore and crowding)

They also try to hunt with hibari until they themselves get bitten to death

Dino and his guardians:

Scantily dressed Disney Villains

Taking advantage of the fact that they are the only mafia group without minors they all go clubbing at mafia land and get really fucked up

Pictures of they’re drunken antics go very viral on M-Net

Varia:

Annual Halloween gore contest

The varia doesn’t really dress up for Halloween but they do have an annual contest of who can leave the most horrific gory and bloody crime scene on Halloween night. They all take solo assignments and end up very very bloody and messy so any costumes that they might wear get absolutely ruined. Bel and Toga do switch outfits for the night, however and Luss does the whole thing dressed up as a naughty nurse

results are judged as follows

Heroes involved in the case that quit after seeing the crime scene = 3 points

Crime scene investigators or Cops that see the scene and quit = 2 points

Anyone involved in investigating the crime that immediately signs themselves up for therapy (doesn’t count if the person already goes to therapy) = 1 point

Giglio Nero:

Family Friendly Fun aka the babysitters

Gamma and the other responsible adults in the Giglio Nero dress up as classy Childrens show characters and take all the mafia kids trick or treating together

Uni dresses up as Cinderella

Eri dresses up as Belle

I-Pin dresses up as princess Fiona from shrek

Lambo dresses up as Totoro

Futa dresses up as Ash from Pokémon and puts the ditto face on his ranking book

Fran dresses up as Elsa (yes I know Fran is a guy but still)

Nosaru dresses up as sasuke from naruto

Bluebell joins them for trick or treating but leaves before the after party to join the funeral wreaths for their party.

The acrobanto get together and play a really intense game of mafia paintball on Halloween they all dressed up as the adams family but they didn’t plan it well and pretty much all of them dressed up as Morticia.

Mammon came directly after participating in the varia traditional Halloween so they were dressed up as a blood covered Morticia

You know Tsuna forced his Guardians and the Kokuyo Gang into those outfits, there's no way most of them would have willingly put them on. The only reason he chose to dress them up as Hibari was because he felt like it was less suicidal to force costumes on everyone else except Hibari.

Absolute yes for the Varia one. They don't care so much about the costumes, but the gore.

Okay but I say that Gesso's party gets pretty bad, too. Cavallone is its own thing, sure, they don't have any kids in their ranks so they can just go absolutely crazy and this leads to them forgetting that they're somewhat public figures and that any stupid thing they do goes more or less viral on MNet. But Gesso's party also gets pretty crazy. Bluebell doesn't drink because she just simply doesn't like the taste, but the rest of them who don't get the urge to throw up the moment they drink something alcoholic? You bet they're drinking. And the thing is, every stupid thing they do is already on MNet, they know they can't make it worse. So unlike Cavallone who wake up the next morning to find themselves going viral and feel horror, Gesso wake up and start making fun of each other and themselves.

I kind of want Kai to go with the kids and the Responsible Adults, if only because he's, like, actually a teenager. Not a kid, maybe, but he's still on the younger side so with the kids and the adults he goes (also this way he isn't there to see the whole night with Gesso and only gets there to witness the insanity that is Byakuran, Izuku, Zakuro, Kikyo, Daisy and Torikabuto drunk)

I like what you thought for the Arcobaleno, but also consider the possibility of them starting a war against each other. Like, this is the time of the year when you scare people. The Arcobaleno will make it into a war to scare each other with any means necessary. (Poor Skull)

(You: mentioning something about Nedzu being a stoat

Me: Hysterical laughter)

[real-jaune-isms]

RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 1 Review/Rundown

This volume is off to a STRONG start if I may say so myself. No big action scenes, nothing to get the blood boiling or freezing over yet, but this is just the first chapter and we have a lot of dreadful stakes and danger ahead of us. This is a setup premiere, and it promises us pain and stress like nothing before. And we’ve all been conditioned to the point that we actually look forward to that. What we got is plenty good, so why not dig in to this succulent appetizer?~

Right off the bat, we get something we knew we wanted but never quite realized how much we needed... A young black haired woman on her knees scrubbing a wood floor. Bandages on one of her fingers and right wrist, modest clothing, and so very little soul to be seen in her amber eyes. Ladies, gentlemen, and that technicolor rainbow in between, we are getting our first look at Cinder’s troubled Cinderella-style past. It’s just this one floor washing scene for now, but we see present day Cinder’s Grimm fingers scratching into the chair in front of her with the same rhythm so we can be pretty confident it’s really her. Hopefully we will get more as the volume progresses, especially with the opening showing her seem to be having trouble controlling her powers. Neo is flying an airship directly up to the giant whale, whom I will continue to nickname Monstro. Concerned by all the other Grimm flying around it, she nevertheless flies along its side and we find there are handily carved out landing pads for ships. Guess Salem modded this beast to be her mobile base. As Neo apprehensively follows Cinder up a staircase, we see these modifications include a throne which the Grimm queen is sitting in awaiting their arrival. This is Neo’s first time actually seeing the woman behind the dark curtain, and I don’t think she was expecting this. What she may have expected even less was that the prideful psychopath Cinder would actually bow down to this woman. Yet bow she does, and Salem greets her with smug condescension, asking if she’s lived up to the responsibility expected of her as Salem’s vessel for the maidens. Has she done as asked and brought a worthy gift for her goddess? Indeed she has, she’s brought her the Relic of Knowledge... and claims she acquired it all by herself, throwing all of Neo’s hard work out the window so she can have all the glory. [Neo will remember that...] But certain poisonous arachnids are unimpressed, as Tyrian emerges from the shadows to say that taking anything from Ironwood is less of a show of Cinder’s skill and more a sign of the General’s incompetence. With a dig pointed seemingly at both Cinder and Neo, he points out that James was not the first person to be outsmarted by Team RWBY and their friends. But unlike Volume 4, Cinder has her voice and claps back at Tyrian, reminding him that according to the Atlesian military radio chatter he too was outdone by Ironwood’s allies. So was Watts, for that matter, and which of them managed to get away unscathed again? Certainly not the good Doctor, and Tyrian agrees that he was a... necessary sacrifice. Speaking of, he sees Cinder brought a fresh face that could be kindling for the fires of their crusade. Salem finally acknowledges that yes, there is someone here she didn’t recruit herself, and she demands an explanation from Cinder. The Fall Maiden of course explains that Neo has powers that will be very useful to them, but refers to her only as an asset, not even a subordinate or teammate. [Neo will remember that...] 

And speaking of the “tools” Cinder has collected, in come Emerald and Mercury in fresh new outfits! I think they both look pretty good, and I especially like Merc’s new jacket with his winged boot emblem on the left side. Emerald looks quite fashionable and I like the necklace, but there’s still a lot of exposed skin for being in Atlas... Of course, some things never change and she excitedly rushes to Cinder’s side, only to be shut down with a single gruff word. Speaking of gruff, Hazel is here with a new look too. His hair’s been shortened/combed back and he has what I can really only describe as a tank top with the sleeves torn open all the way down to near the waist, that shows off the muscles and scars on his arms and up the sides of his torso. It’s a tough look, but again not very winter weather savvy, and I miss the wild man look he had before. Regardless of the new looks, Tyrian has the same old criticisms of Emerald’s loyalty to the ever so incompetent Cinder. He and Watts rained hell (and very cold snow) on Mantle and threw Atlas into chaos, while Cinder merely fixed her mistake from Haven instead of getting new Maiden powers here in Atlas. She blames Penny for that setback, and mark her words she will be going back to rend her limb from mechanical limb to get the Winter Maiden powers... except she won’t be. Salem has decreed no such action, and it seems clear she won’t be doing so for a good while. Cinder tries to object, but Salem exerts her control over Monstro merely by touching her throne and sending a glowing pulse through the entire throne room. Cinder needs to be reminded of the big picture and her very small place in it, so Salem makes a window. This is a game of chess, and Cinder should count herself lucky to even be considered above a pawn. She is still a tool for Salem to use in her own victory, and the only thoughts she should have are how to achieve what Salem tells her to do. Cinder seems to resign herself to this fate a bit, and says that she is indeed nothing without Salem’s help. In a sense, you do have to sympathize with Cinder’s situation. Clearly her childhood had her in a situation where she was forced to do as told and not given much praise or appreciation for it. She probably sided with Salem because she was promised more power than she could have ever dreamed, but now she’s back being stuck in a position of servitude and abuse. And she does what she can to feel strong and in control: pass on that abuse to her own minions. And poor Emerald does not deserve it. At least Mercury has enough self confidence to know he wants to be his own man in all this, and he seems to have the ambition to try and work his way up the ladder for more earned respect. Still, back to Cinder, she’s clearly conditioned to fear any reproach from Salem. Quieted at a raise of her hand, as if knowing that the witch could take away the maiden magic in an instant and she’d be left with nothing again, and just as easily dismissed with a passive wave. To be fair though, that was for everyone, and the others know what she can do to people who piss her off so they scram too. She ominously turns to take the lamp somewhere, but we’ll check in on that at the end. 

For now, we go down down down to a shanty town in Mantle. It’s clearly the slums for Faunus mine workers in the crater, and among them we see a familiar face. Oscar!! He’s sitting by a fire staring off in deep thought, until an old man with badger hands pushes a bowl in his direction and wordlessly indicates for him to sip some. Idk if it’s a hot soup or something, from the view inside we get it looks to just be water but that could be unintended, but Oscar is thankful. No sooner does the old fella walk away than Ozpin pipes in to tell Oscar to be on guard. An airship swoops in overhead, and most of the faunus scurry away (no pun intended). Oscar stands defensively, but the door opens to reveal Ruby!! She and Weiss came to get him, though I don’t know how they found out where he was, and Maria is flying. He gets onboard and we get an aerial shot of snowfall over Mantle followed by a much less pleasant sight. Sabyrs are still getting in through the holes in the wall, and Manticores still swoop through the skies. Oscar berates himself for thinking Ironwood would listen to reason, for so many of his choices ending up being wrong ones, and he clearly blames the current situation at least partially on himself. We see that current situation as people on the streets below continue to huddle around burning trashcans and wood piles for warmth. Ironwood seriously still hasn’t done anything to try and get Mantle’s heat back? Of course he hasn’t, he’s going to abandon them, what was I thinking? Ruby reassures Oscar that he did what he thought was the right thing, they all did. What’s important is that he’s still here. It might just be how hyped up for a certain posse of do-gooders a certain Miss @kdinjenzen has been getting a lot of us over the last few months, but I was genuinely excited to see Joanna Greenleaf come out from around the corner of a building and gesture Maria to land. She rushes the group inside a building and shoots down a camera drone that was about to turn around and spot them before heading in herself. We see sooner than hear May Marigold, coordinating civilian transportation efforts over comms while leaning over a kitchen stove. She’s sending Fiona to transport some folks from one of the sectors on a map we don’t get to see... to the crater. Oh boy, that’ll be something to get into in just a minute. Our girls and boy walk past her into a restaurant dining room. Guess non-essential services really were shut down due to this crisis... okay yeah that’s too topical. The other half of Team RWBY, as well as JNR, Penny, and Pietro, are sitting around tables idly waiting until they hear the doors open and their friends return. All eyes are on the farmboi, and Nora is the first to rise from her chair with a small smile. Oscar braces himself for an energetic tackle hug, or whatever he thinks Nora would be likely to do, but she just walks over and give him a gentle embrace. The poor kid definitely needed that. Ruby and Weiss smile from the sidelines, one of the only shots the two of them share much to my aching shipper’s heart. But it’s fine, this is a time from group joy and union. Blake voices the concerns everyone had for Oscar’s fate when he had run off to confront Ironwood alone, how they feared the worst. Weiss of course is the one to ask how in the world he got all the way down to the slums, but he avoids the question by saying its a long story, and clearly not the only one based on Penny being with them. Internally, Ozpin questions him on not telling the group that he has reemerged in his mind, but Oscar says the two of them have more to discuss first. Instead, he notes the absence of a certain sobering up bird, and that puts a frown on most of the group’s faces. Ruby says they don’t know, last they heard he was with Robyn, but beyond that no news apparently reached them. Clearly they fear he’s dead, and cannot begin to imagine he’s been accused of murder. We only infer this of course, because the convo is cut short by Joanna coming into the room to talk shop. They’re all reunited, now its time to put the group to work helping the people of Mantle. No heat, no military help, just Grimm hovering over the city in a horde unlike any they’ve seen before. Those people need help, and they are huntsmen and huntresses with the skills to provide that help. Ren is the one to question “How?” Ironwood’s not letting people up into Atlas anymore, and Salem’s forces around the perimeter have made escape from the city impossible. Joanna’s solution is to look down, to the crater right under Atlas. It’s not safe, but it’ll be warm and they can better protect everyone if they’re all gathered in one place. The teens seem hesitant, I might even say incredulous, but she assures them that May will send them where they are needed and with their skilled numbers it will be that much safer for the civilians. Their priority needs to be getting everyone into the crater by nightfall, because she believes they’ll stand more of a chance in the slums. As Joanna heads out the door, Weiss gripes that they’ll never sleep again with how busy they’re going to be, but Joanna retorts that you’re either helping or you’re baggage.

I have... some thoughts about the Happy Huntresses’ plan. Yes, evacuation of the cold city seems like a great idea, and getting everyone in a single easy to defend place is sound strategy. But there’s some Atlas sized problems with their choice of location to evacuate to, and I do realize they may not even be aware of the potential genocide they’re setting up. Salem wants the staff, which is currently in use holding up Atlas. If she takes it, as she so clearly intends to do, Atlas will fall. Atlas will fall back into the crater it rose from, where thousands of people are gathered. That is a big SQUISH that I really don’t want to see happen. I get that Joanna, May, and Fiona may not know about the Relic, I doubt even Robyn knows. But we the audience do, and that dramatic irony has us all wincing prematurely at what grim future we hope will not come to pass. Hopefully it won’t come to that, so let’s go back to what conversations are actually being had.

Yang steps up and says that they need to get out there and help the people of Mantle, but Ruby objects and says they need to do what they can for the sake of everyone. Her first thought is on getting Amity launched like Ironwood had initially planned, so the whole world can be warned about Salem being on the attack. They need help, cuz as it stands Mantle and Atlas do not have this handled. Blake, somewhat surprisingly, agrees with Ruby rather than Yang. The Happy Huntresses have a plan for Mantle’s evacuation, they’ve got that under control while these folks worry about the bigger picture. But, Yang points out, Amity isn’t actually finished and ready to be launched. Ruby considers that and turns to the smartest man in the room for an estimate on what it would take to launch Amity at this point. I’m unsure if she means send it up in its incomplete state or power through the process during this crisis to get it 100% complete before then also launching it in the midst of this warzone. Pietro admits they had made some strides in terms of construction and collecting fuel, “all potentially manageable”, so maybe that means it’s close enough to the completed product they had first planned that it can get done as things are now. Or maybe it means that with what they’ve already done its just good enough that they could probably send it up and it’d be okay? Either way, the biggest problem is actually launching it. They need it to be granted clearance from Ironwood’s terminal before it can be launched, such was the nature of its design. Yang rightfully points out the General isn’t about to give that clearance willingly, so this is a fools errand. But Ruby is thinking outside the box about the specific phrasing, and realizes they don’t need the man’s approval, just access to his terminal so they can grant the clearance themselves. That too would be suicide, requiring getting back into the academy... or does it? Pietro reveals there’s another useable terminal, within the main Atlesian military compound at the base of the city. You know, the very bottom of this floating fortress city, surrounded by airships and security drones. Even once inside, there’s a lot of hoops to jump through, more than the good Doctor can wrap his head around in this moment. Oscar notes how this is very convoluted for apparently being the easier option, but Yang rebuttals that it’s straight up impossible and pointless, not to mention they can’t guarantee any help would even come upon hearing the message. This is more than Ruby can take, and she snaps back at her sister. It’s not pointless if it’s warning the rest of the world that Salem will be coming for them next. They need to send this warning.

This is when Yang gets... personal. She brings up the rest of the team’s decision to defer to Ruby’s leadership once they got to Atlas, and how things took a real nosedive soon after that. It’s clear that she’s implying Ruby’s decisions were the reason for their situation being as bad as it is, and you can see the pain on Ruby’s face as that hits her. Some upset looks on the others’ faces show they may have thought similarly but never would have actually said so. Ren steps up and says that helping the evacuation in Mantle is a feasible action they can take here and now rather than a longshot hope. We had seen a short sequence of Yang running through the daylit streets of Mantle on this mission to evacuate groups, and now Ren is in the scene at her side to signify which mission he’s going to take. Likewise, his face visibly saddens as we hear Nora take Ruby’s side about this not just being a matter of helping Atlas, it’s about warning the other three kingdoms so they can prepare for what’s coming. And with that we see her on the rooftop with Ruby where she had been looking up at the base of Atlas. Jaune is thankfully a neutral voice of reason who says they have the numbers to be able to do both, but Ruby is really worried that being divided like this is what Salem wants. Oscar has gotten wiser from his time with Oz in his head, and points out that the division Salem really wants is emotional, not always physical. Disagreements and arguments like this are what she wants, so they need to realize they can be a united group of cooperating minds while still splitting up to accomplish different goals. Penny... has a depressing third option. Let her deliver the Staff to Salem now and hope it will make her leave Atlas before things get worse. Oscar says they really can’t trust Salem to actually do that, and that as soon as she uses it to create anything else... down drops Atlas. Yang acknowledges that at the very least they can all agree turning Penny over to any other forces will not be happening.

Ruby resigns herself to leading a small squad instead of the full team, and asks if Pietro can help them get up to the terminal. He acknowledges they WILL need someone to bypass security, but Penny is the one to offer. I’d like to note that this whole time she’s been almost lifelessly facing away from the group and staring directly forward, and her voice has been bereft of any emotion or enthusiasm. For the cheerful person she normally is, this is heartbreaking to hear. Pietro tries to raise objections, saying she’s too valuable for them to risk anything happening to her, but she looks over her shoulder and firmly repeats herself, Maiden fire burning around her eyes. I get why Pietro is a bit overprotective of his daughter, she was destroyed once and emotionally scarred during Volume 7, plus she now has powers they absolutely can’t afford to lose the use of. But she is her own girl and needs to be able to make her own choices. Coddling her like this won’t help, especially now. Yang accepts this decision with a sigh and heads for the door to start getting down to business. Blake watches her go with a rather pained look, and we see a similar one on Weiss’ face as Yang passes behind her. Team RWBY is splitting up again, and they’re worried. Understandable. Pietro stops her at the door and tosses her a set of keys, which we transition to seeing in that same hand as she’s back in the daytime alleyway with Ren. We pan over to see Jaune and Oscar decided to go with them, and hear Pietro explain there’s some new tools back at his pharmacy that he had been working on for them before the crisis. From the promotional clip we got a few months ago, we know this means the hover bikes.

Heard but not seen is Ren asking Nora where she intends to go, and she affirms she’s sticking with Ruby. Of all people, she had been the one who was the most passionate about helping Mantle, so he asks her about it now, but she says that she’s absolutely saving Mantle. Because she actually believes Ruby’s plan can be done, and so we go back to seeing her on the roof, now joined by Weiss and Blake. Blake reassures Ruby that the group hasn’t been divided where it counts, but Ruby has concerns. Maria chimes in on comms to affirm that she’ll be taking Pietro up to Amity to finish what he can, but that leaves RWBNP without a way up to Atlas. Weiss starts to say she’s got that covered, but is interrupted by someone’s Scroll ringing. Blake, Ruby, and Nora all check theirs, but it turns out it’s Penny who’s getting a call... from General Ironwood. She hesitantly answers, and as soon as Ironwood’s voice comes through Nora starts scowling. Ruby seems rather neutral, but as Ironwood goes on with his very evenly toned request that Penny tell him where she is because he’s worried for her safety and wants to come pick her up, her eyes narrow. She’s been in an abusive relationship before, she recognizes gaslighting. Ironwood says that Atlas needs Penny since Salem is here. Before she can say anything, Ruby comes to her side and puts a supportive hand on her shoulder as she takes her Scroll. Penny’s not going anywhere, she says, not until Ironwood sees the error of his plans and change his mind about helping Mantle. It was a longshot, but at least she went for it. Ironwood starts losing his cool as he berates Ruby for still being hung up on saving Mantle when Atlas is the last hope Remnant has at salvation and Salem’s gathering forces are primed to destroy it. Unless Penny comes back and helps send it high into the sky. If she doesn’t, and Salem gets through their defenses, what comes next will be Penny’s fault. THIS is straight up psychological torment, he is manipulating her and dodging all blame for his actions by pinning them onto a poor girl already going through a crisis of identity. What absolute fucking garbage you are, James Ironwood. Penny retreats into Ruby’s arms, and she embraces her sympathetically. 

But enough of these poor suffering kids, let’s get some poor suffering adults. In an Atlas medical facility, what’s left of the Ace Ops are looking at the corpse of their leader lying cold and pale on a mortuary slab. Marrow is the only one who seems genuinely sad, Elm and Harriet just grumpy. To be fair, that anger could be pointed inward cuz they’re mad they weren’t there to help him in his time of need. Or maybe Ironwood told them that apparently Qrow did it, and they’re pissed they can’t kill him in revenge. Across the hall, Ironwood is watching them from Winter’s hospital room. The doctors have her left arm in a high tech looking cast, maybe it can speed up the healing beyond our normal medical science? Or maybe it’ll boost her strength so she can power through the pain and keep on fighting for the General and his crusade? I was initially worried they replaced the whole arm, given Ironwood’s tendency to substitute cyborg tech for his own human flesh in the event of great damage. Case in point, his burned up hand got the Skywalker treatment. But no, I think this really is just a cast. As Ironwood inspects his new sleek black limb, and the doctors test what Winter is currently capable of with her arms in the condition they’re in, a guard arrives to tell them some prisoners have arrived and are being processed in Stockade B. As the doctors test her right wrist for any tendon pains, and indeed there are some pains, she asks if the prisoners are in fact Robyn and Qrow the soon to be jail birds. He asks the doctors to leave the room, which they do, and Winter assures him she’ll be fine, though her inability to make a fist without pain says otherwise. As someone who got tendonitis in my wrist after a bad scrape on my bicycle, I know that pain. Ironwood thanks Winter for her dedication, and confides that faced with such unprecedented Grimm numbers he wouldn’t know what to do without her. Their hard light shields will hold the Grimm off, but only temporarily. FIRST OF ALL, you have enough money and resources for Hard Light Dust, the rarest and most expensive kind, to be shielding the entire kingdom... but not enough money to give Mantle a decent heating grid that’s not dependent on the SDC????? Or literally anything else that might have helped them now???? Eat the rich and defund the police, folks. Speaking of hot-button political statements, before he can answer Winter’s question about what he plans to do his musings are interrupted by his fellow council members Sleet and Camilla barging in demanding to talk to him. Mass evacuations, declaring martial law? They have several very pressing questions for him, but Ironwood has gone into tunnel vision and says he will be doing everything he can to defend the kingdom, no matter the cost to him or those around him. And he makes that abundantly clear as he strides out of Winter’s room and wordlessly shoots Sleet for daring to call him scared. Judging from Camilla’s screech and the looks on Elm and Marrow’s watching faces, it was fatal. This man is straight up executing his critics, but we kinda already knew this was gonna happen after he shot Oscar off the cliff. Clearly, Camilla will be too scared for her own life to speak up against Ironwood ever again. As the General strolls away, Winter and Harriet share a look through the open door. Harriet seemed shocked, but almost resigns herself to this. She’s in too deep, and as long as she’s loyal she’s got nothing to fear. Winter, on the other hand, let her sister go out into the world as Ironwood’s enemy. Not only is she worried Weiss will be in her boss’s crosshairs, but if he finds out she let her get away with the Winter Maiden then she might be executed for insubordination.

Finally, we get the tearing dripping shot of a portion of Monstro opening to reveal Salem holding the Lamp. Looking into it, she muses how she has questions she wants answered, but she needs the key to how to ask them first. To that end, she holds the Relic out in front of a mystery Grimm that emerged from the fleshy cage she just opened. It gets a good smell of the Lamp, and she instructs it to bring her the man who can show her how to get what she seeks. Oscar is in serious danger...

And so that’s it for Chapter 1! A strong start that doesn’t fill me with despair just yet but is definitely setting up some ways for me to really feel the aster down the line. I won’t review the opening much, because those are usually really abstract and vague about what’s actually gonna happen. We see there may be another encounter between Weiss and Winter now that they’re on opposite sides, and Watts seems to still be up to trickery. Ren and Nora miss each other, and things look particularly bad for Team RWBY. Also we get serious “Penny getting hacked and going evil” vibes, and I really don’t want such a horrible thing to happen to that mecha cinnamon roll. Looks like Oscar really will get captured, and maybe Salem can change her form a little since she has big cool bat wings as she looms over him. The song will take some getting used to, but it slaps hard and Casey is giving it 100% so that’s good enough for me.

Thanks thanks thanks for bearing with me for this long ass post, but I hope you got some joy from it.

[coffee-ack]

the entire shrek script is going to be my first post in 2021

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

[earlysunsets-2005]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

[pastelkittyx]

The Entire Script of Shrek ‘cause why not

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

[whatsleftofmyheartisstillgold]

ALRIGHT!

Since my old file broke, I made a new snow and the dwarfs. 

I completely randomized the kids and based their looks and personalities off that- 

(I fully randomized their traits & names)

SO here are the babies and Snow!

Snow is also a vampire this time ;) 

Oldest - Erik First set of twins - Atticus & Averie Second set of twins - Kassandra & Fiona (Cinderella)  Third set of twins - Larry & Mya

some funny stories with this-  Atticus came out very goth gay, like in one of my gay cc shirts, and had all kinds of makeup and he just- yes.  Av came out with bright pink hair, a 666 shirt, and a sassy look, and ended up an angler and a slow learner.  Then Larry and Mya... I tried turning their hair to normal looking hair for kiddos- but sims REFUSED to let me. So they ended up with very bright hair from a young age! Fiona came out with everything being a COMPLETE mess, so I kept her that way! I thought it was completely adorable to finally use some of my crazier kids stuff. 

Sexualites for the teens -  Erik - Straight  Att - Gay Av - Pansexual

[themurdochmemesteries]

Detective Watts has Asperger’s

I’ve seen some people talk about Watts being autistic, but I’m here to be over-the-top and go even further: I believe Watts has Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the spectrum of autism.

Let’s get to it, y’all.

(DISCLAIMER: I did this out of both fun and seriousness. I did this on my spare time BUT I also did my research and worked hard to match up the symptoms of Asperger’s to Watts’ character. This is not me trying to convince people that this is canon; this is merely me evaluating a character. No offense is meant and if anyone finds any, I am sorry)

First, here’s a look at some of the symptoms of asperger’s:

Poor empathy

Isolation

Intellectualization

Physical/sensory difficulties

Difficulty in social situations and interactions (poor empathy also fits under this somewhat)

So now that we’ve looked at this, let’s look at some of Watts’ characteristics, starting with my first “point” (I guess); poor empathy.

Now keep in mind that empathy and sympathy are not the same thing. Empathy is the ability to understand what someone is going through, possibly because you can put yourself in their shoes. Sympathy, on the other hand, is acknowledging someone’s feelings, but maybe not relating to them. In fact, some people who lack empathy (like myself) may even come across as cold on occasion.

Now this one is a hard one for me, because Watts’ shows of empathy come and go. In Brother’s Keeper, I can see that he feels real empathy towards his brother-figures, not just sympathy. He doesn’t just feel sorry for them: he relates to them as well. However, in other episodes, it’s clear that Watts does rely on his sympathy rather than empathy, and isn’t one to relate to people (much like Murdoch), so I’ll leave this at that.

-

The next point, Isolation, I don’t believe I really need to talk about in terms of Watts’ behaviour. He doesn’t seem to like being alone. In fact, Watts seems a very social guy to me. But to be autistic/have Asperger’s doesn’t mean to have all the symptoms. It’s a spectrum, and there are ranges.

-

Intellectualization. Now this one is a HUGE match for Watts.

The definition of intellectualization is pretty much to be detail-oriented and factual. You all can probably see it now.

Watts will blurt out random facts and quotes at any given moment (especially the wine episode). In Annabella Cinderella, he becomes very picky and visually a little annoyed when John says “but we know who killed her” and Watts replies with, “you do know our entire system of justice depends on evidence and not just casual suppositions of guilt?”

People with Asperger’s find comfort in facts.

Watts likes routines. Watts likes facts. He does not like it when someone goes against that routine, or tries to dissuade facts. 

Watts definitely has this trait.

-

Now I’m not aware if Watts has any sensory or physical difficulties, so I don’t really have anything to say here. However if someone does, please add it on.

-

SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. Yes, another big one I’m really excited to talk about.

We all know Watts is awkward around people (”your face is symmetrical”) and not just in the usual way. No, Watts seems to have no sense of personal boundaries. He will regularly invade people’s “bubbles” as it were, and often doesn’t seem to think so far ahead into his actions (keeping Fiona Faust’s bike hidden out of hope she’d stay). When he first appears in Concocting a Killer, he blatantly comments on Dr. Ogden’s tie, and later on through the seasons, this kind of behaviour only grows.

Watts’ actions in certain situations can sometimes be seen as odd or even occasionally inappropriate (drinking wine as they were arresting a killer). 

I have so many situations that listing them on would take forever, but I think you all get the idea. I can trust you can visualize most of them in your head.

-

Anyway, Watts is definitely on the autism spectrum, and most likely has Asperger’s syndrome. Thank you for reading.

[millard-nullings-shoulders]

I had a sensory overload today and cried on my boyfriend chest, so you're all getting headcanons so I can make myself feel better! Don't pay any attention as to how late it is!

Jacob:

-He has so little confidence in himself that it's actually sad

-Cannot be stopped from making self depreciating jokes, no matter how many times people tell him it's not good

-If this boy had a tiktok it would be blank. Maybe a cartoon pfp, but not a single video (Same bruh same)

Emma

-Out of everyone in the loop, she's the best at makeup. Doesn't mean she wears it all the time, but when she does good shit

-If she's in a bad mood, she can destroy you with words if she wants to. Luckily, this doesn't happen often, especially not to her friends. Random men that don't leave her alone on the other hand...

-For a while she had a "I'm not like other girls" thing going on, especially whenever Noor first came around. Not really there anymore though

Millard

-Do you ever get sensory overloads and cry? Then boy, do I have the cure for you! Cry while he hugs you. Automatic cure, I can confirm this right now from personal experience

-Sometimes he gets a little too focused on something and won't realize just how late he's said up until someone has to actually drag him to bed

-Gives the best and most thoughtful gifts. Oh? You collect pinned bugs? He's finding out where to get a rare pinned bug and giving you that on Valentine's day! Yes, that's what he did for me, I love him so much #justfictivethings lol

Hugh

-Out of everyone in the loop, he has the most...complex feelings about his gender. Being so tied to bees, he's beegender, but with that comes some strange feelings. Most bees are female, so he does feel a strong connection to femininity. But at the same time, he still feels tied to drones/male bees.

-He tries not to think too much about it, and maybe keeps it bottled up a bit too much. Maybe it's because it stresses him out to ponder too much. Maybe he's embarrassed to talk about it. No matter what though, he does feel a lot of gender euphoria wearing skirts and confusing people about what gender he is.

-His sexuality is probably just as confusing to find an exact label, but it's not something he worries about. He just ends up using the term queer and calls it a day

Fiona

-Fiona being plantgender surprises no one, and it never will. Same with her being bi. She just...you can just look at her and tell

-She's probably the least happy in a modern setting. Everything is just...too much for her. She likes the whole cottagecore thing, but she'd much rather keep to her usual ways. So still stuck in the late 1800's

-She has a way to talk to Hugh with just...looks. Slight facial expressions, body language, they just know each other that well. More often than not, they're flirting with each other like this out in the open

Enoch

-Was put on kitchen duty once....Once. The peculiars don't talk about this often

-You can't pay him to play sports with the other boys. He'd sooner pull teeth

-I am voting him as most likely to have filled his homework with doodles

Horace

-He's not a fan of many things in the modern day, but he does appreciate a few things. Easier tools for cooking, Google, and easy access to fabric to name a few things

-What he isn't a fan of though? Fashion (obviously), dance trends, and the modern humor

-His scream could break glass

Bronwyn

-HATES it when people call her a man for whatever reason. On bad days, it makes her cry

-She has a bit of hyper empathy with animals, especially baby ones

-A boy hit on her ONCE and she felt physically nauseous about it for a whole WEEK

Claire

-Says her favorite Disney princess is Aurora because her dress is pink, it's actually Cinderella because of the song "so this is love"

-She sees everyone in the loop as her siblings, but especially Enoch

-In a modern setting, she is addicted to those dress up flash games, bonus points if they're princess themed

Olive

-Sometimes she rolls her ankle in those big shoes, there are a lot of tears from that

-Has stepped on toes before! Brones were indeed broken!

-Master at finding lost items. No idea why

Bonus Victor!

-Horrible about confessing his feelings

-Makes horrible decisions when he gets nervous. It's like all critical thinking goes out the window

-Seems like the type with pencil graphite stuck in his hand permanently somewhere

[gellavonhamster]

thoughts on ASOUE Season 3

from someone who remembers the last four books (except for TGG) quite badly - I think I have to mention this at once. Overall I really enjoyed it, but to me, it was a season of bringing everything to the max - an expression which here means "some parts being absolutely perfect but some parts also being completely ruined". More detailed review under the cut.

Things I loved:

Acting. The main kids have developed into really good actors; their performances were outstanding. It is difficult for me to determine how much of Sunny is CGI and how much is actually Presley Smith, but she was as adorable as ever (I LOVED how sweet and pleased her face was when she suggested pushing Olaf overboard). Malina Weissman and Louis Hynes delivered a lot of emotional scenes and showed the inner conflicts faced by the Baudelaires perfectly (also, remember how we speculated about why the Baudelaire siblings never really cry on the show? Well, there was a lot of crying this season and I cried with them, too). The rest of the cast was also splendid. Kitana Turnbull is still nailing it as Carmelita, Lucy Punch is still an amazing Esme, Tony Hale is still a great Jerome. Neil Patrick Harris's performance this season included a number of heartfelt scenes I wouldn't even think the show version of Olaf capable of. Usman Ally's performance, together with additional character development, was more than I could ever wish for Fernald, one of my favourite characters. Really, everyone did great.

I agree with the review that said that in this season, children are finally not overshadowed by adults. The adult characters (Kit, Fernald, Lemony, Dewey) still get more to do than they did in the books, but they do not take up as much screentime as Jacques and Olivia or the Quagmire parents. It is truly the kids (the Baudelaires + Quigley + Fiona) who are in the focus. As it should be.

When I say that something in a book/film/show made me cry, it is often an exaggeration, but I literally wept when Sunny was persuading Violet to leave her in captivity as a spy. Especially when Sunny tied up her hair the way Violet does, and also when she showed that she learned to be brave from Violet. It is my favourite moment of the season.

Quigley. I can't say the Quagmires are my faves, but it's still a pity that the show made Duncan and Isadora (to my mind) pretty bland. Quigley feels like a much more fleshed-out, interesting character than both his siblings combined - brave, resourceful, but also a bit reckless. And he's the only Quagmire who has the right hairstyle (well, at least he looks very much like the Quagmire triplets in the illustrations for the translation I've read).

Fernald and Sunny shared the cutest moments of the season. Yet still - I thought that when Fernald threw the cage off the mountain, he knew it was empty, but even if he did not, it wouldn't be completely out of character for him to sacrifice something he cares about to win Olaf's respect. Loved the Cinderella parallel and how Fernald is a messed-up version of Sunny's fairy godmother. Also when he found out she was poisoned and took her in his arms T_T

The interaction between Fernald and Fiona was exactly what I hoped for, they're ride or die for each other since the very moment they're reunited

Jerome/Charles and Babs/Mrs Bass! I'm choosing to believe both Jerome and Babs survived the fire (I mean, Justice Strauss managed to escape, and she was on the freaking rooftop!) and reunited with their respective love interests. Here for the implication that Charles is now running the lumbermill on his own after Sir fled - maybe it will finally become a better place of employment.

I dreamed of Bea II and Lemony sharing root bear floats and I cannot believe I actually got to have this

Kit and Lemony having some scenes together!

The first shots of the Hotel Denouement... very pretty, very aesthetic 

I liked how it is shown that the Denouement brothers still care about one another despite their ideological differences (the way Frank and Ernest are both clearly grieving during the trial!). Another thing I liked was how at first they made it seem like Kit is dating the wicked brother. If I haven't read the books, that would've been a big "holy shit" moment.

The Man with a Beard but No Hair and the Woman with Hair but No Beard were properly menacing, and making their beard and hair essentially the same but upside down was brilliant. 

Some of the theories they chose to make true on the show are the ones that I believe to be true as well (e.g. Lemony being the taxi driver in TPP, The Man with a Beard and the Woman with Hair being Olaf's chaperones/guardians, Olaf and Esme having murdered Carmelita's parents).

Lemony carrying around photos of his siblings :(

When Violet closed Olaf's eyes, I cried again.

Things I hated:

I propose we all agree that Ish is lying about being the founder of VFD because he hasn't seen new faces in ages and finally there are some new castaways whom he can bullshit about being more important than he actually was and stroking his ego. It became clear a long time ago that the show doesn't give a damn about the canon timeline, but VFD being that recent does not make sense even in the Netflix-verse. What about so many VFD buildings, the underground repurposed as secret tunnels, the whole city being shaped like the VFD sign? It couldn't have happened that fast. What about Kit saying she hadn't learned to hang glide until she was seven? Does not sound like a regular thing to teach a child. Also it means that All the Wrong Questions cannot be adapted for the screen because then the Netflix-verse would contradict itself. The VFD was introduced as such a huge, omnipresent organization, and in the end it boiled down to, like, a group of too ambitious students letting their teacher fill their heads with nonsense The Secret History-style? Ridiculous.

The only things I liked about the opera flashback was how dashing everyone looked (I think this was Esme's best look in all three seasons) and how happy and careless and relaxed they were while Beatrice was singing. In all other respects it was a trainwreck. I am not upset that on the show it didn't happen when the characters were kids because I do not have a strong opinion on what age everyone was then, and because learning that your friends and your girlfriend killed your parents sounds like a traumatizing experience no matter the age. But that's the thing - on the show, it didn't go down like this. The horror of what happened was downplayed by reducing the number of victims to Olaf's father only, by not mentioning Kit's involvement at all and turning a premeditated murder into manslaughter. And where's Bertrand? Olaf blames both Baudelaires but we are shown that he saw Beatrice and Lemony with the darts. It isn't even implied that Bertrand made the darts himself for this purpose specifically because Esme has the same weapon. And how does it all tie with the masked ball scene in s2? Kit writes Lemony a note saying that "Olaf knows" - of course he does, he fucking saw them! Why did Esme have the sugar bowl with the antidote with her at the opera - was she just casually drinking tea with this rare and precious substance to overdose and gain superpowers? What about the sugar cubes left behind - was there also some regular sugar in the bowl to, idk, make it seem less suspicious? An absolute mess, in my opinion.

To continue the previous point: Bertrand seems like an absolutely unimportant figure, his role minimized to a minute or so on the island, and he deserves better :(

This is small in importance but I really disliked that Kit said that Violet ties up her hair just like her mother while in the books it was her father, no matter whether Kit meant Bertrand or Lemony =/

Also, like. Taking "or she!" from Fiona and giving it to Violet. Didn't like that. Neither did I like Fiona calling Phil Cookie.

IIRC they also gave "It's Herman Melville" to Kit instead of Klaus? Why

Larry was a recurring character who had a lot to do in s1 and 2, yet his death (and a horrible one, he was literally boiled alive) was presented in a quite an offhand way. I'm not saying he should've necessarily stayed alive - in fact, his death fits in very well with the motif of all decent adults eventually getting killed - but, in my view, it should've been given more weight.

As I've already mentioned, I don't remember The End that well, but everything about Ish and drugging the islanders seemed significantly less scary than in the books somehow

The shot of Duncan and Isadora was clearly copy-pasted from TVV... listen, if you're giving them a 100% happy ending, at least do not half-ass it

Things I have mixed feelings about:

I loved the Kitlaf stuff; probably showing that they were together in the opera flashback makes it less of a revelation than in the books, but I thought all their shared moments very moving. I also found it an interesting choice to make each of them recite bits from both poems, thus pointing out that Olaf once was not a stranger to love and romantic poetry and that Kit might share his ideas about "man hands on misery to man". However, I think it's a pity that Netflix eliminated all hints at Olaf possibly being Bea's father. Even if he was not, the possibility of it being true in the light of the Baudelaires still raising Bea with love and care is, to my mind, very important. 

Jacquelyn being R... well, we saw that coming. Her mother's death being so recent is another "fuck you" to the canon timeline, but at least it explains why in the previous two seasons nobody called her the duchess - officially, she wasn't one yet. I don't perceive the show as an extension of book canon - to me, it is just one interpretation among many - so this reveal hasn't changed the fact that I imagine R being different from Jacquelyn. On the one hand, I am happy that one of my favourite characters made it into the adaptation (yes, one of my favourite characters is a sum total of comments made by other characters and a possibly fake letter, what of it), but I would've preferred if her portrayal included more of what we know about her from the books, such as her being close to both Lemony and Beatrice.

By the time s3 aired, I had already reconciled myself to the fact that the show version of Kit will be extremely toned down, so this disappointment was expected and therefore not that strong. I think there were some moments in which she actually was more of her book version (recruiting kids to fulfil dangerous tasks like it's nothing special, telling Lemony he should return to VFD), but of course this definitely noble, action-hero, composed Kit who looks forward to becoming a mother and leading a quiet life with Dewie on some island (wait, did they mean the Island?) is significantly less interesting than morally grey and depressed Kit who took part in many dubious or outright sinister plans (such as the Anwhistle Aquatics fire and the murder of Olaf's parents, in which both she was not even involved on the show) and did not seem to care about her baby that much. It is truly ironic that Mr Poe repeatedly accidentally calls her Jacquelyn because show!Kit feels very much like a Jacquelyn 2.0.

My first impression of Fiona was "oh no, they really gave her all the flaws her stepfather had in the books". I ended up liking her because she worked on her behavior and most of the times she was rude it felt like she's just trying too hard to convince everyone, herself included, that she's got this while constantly being unsure and confused on the inside. But her weird rivalry with Violet still rubbed me the wrong way. I'm glad they resolved their issues in the end.

The sugar bowl containing the antidote is an okay choice (timeline inconsistencies aside), but 1) I would've preferred it to stay a mystery, like in the books; 2) I still like the "this bitch empty" theory more.

There was more of VFD being not entirely noble in this season (e.g. the Medusoid Mycelium) but of course it is still a very watered-down version of what this organization was like. 

Listen, I'd be lying if I said I hated the happy ending for the Quagmires and the Widdershins. Heck, my favourite post-The End headcanon is that they all (and Hector!) survived the Great Unknown and stuck together as one big family of choice. But what was the point of showing us the Bombinating Beast Great Unknown and, most importantly, having someone mention that it is a metaphor for death if it is not used as such? It is a metaphor, it does not necessarily mean that they literally died, it could just as well mean that the Baudelaires simply never learned what happened to all these people. A wasted opportunity.

I assume the Baudelaires never got separated from Bea in the adaptation (since she does not immediately ask Lemony about them but proceeds, on the contrary, to tell him what happened to them) and the reason she searched for Lemony was simply wishing to get to know her uncle. It's not bad, it fits well in the more optimistic narrative of the show, but the original story is still more interesting.

That's probably all - at least all that comes to my mind at the moment.

On the whole, I think Season 3 and the show in general were rather a good adaptation than a bad one. Most importantly, I think it succeeds in performing what I consider the main function of an adaptation - making the audience interested in the source material. I am sure more people will read ASOUE (and ATWQ, and other Snicketverse books) after watching the show. I am also sure those who will read after watching the show first have a big storm coming.

[susandsnell]

i tried to watch the princess diaries as an adult a month ago and i was just appalled. i am SO so so relieved i missed that, and a number of other similar movies, as a little girl. it's insane to me how much stuff aimed at girls involves vigorously mocking girls' appearances until they conform or highlighting that the heroine is good in part because of her perfect appearance. then people are like if you don't like the thing you hate women. uhhhhhhhh

man oh man I’m glad you missed it too, because do I have Unpopular Opinions on it. The 90s-early 2000′s trope of the “glasses and ponytail = ugly and Must Be Changed To Be Worthy Of Love” (which was best lampooned in Not Another Teen Movie, which is very stupid and very funny and surprisingly apt in its criticisms of the more damaging aspects of the genre, also Baby Chris Evans) is bad enough on its own but Princess Diaries strikes me as particularly heinous for a few reasons, namely the younger audience at which it’s aimed and the particular content of The Makeover in the context of the plot. 

(And disclaimer, I love Julie Andrews as much as the next gal, and Anne Hathaway’s pretty cool and all that.) 

And yes, maybe I’m bitter and personally biased because growing up teased for my very Semitic curls + told how much prettier I’d look with straight hair (and also having Princess Diaries comparisons explicitly made, positively, the times I did change things up), but there’s something that just crosses the damn line about how Mia is only seen as worthy of being a princess + gets her Cinderella moment (in that she makes Big Entrances in pretty outfits and dances + hobnobs with the Elite, nigh unrecognizable to the overlooked girl she was before, I wouldn’t dare insult Cindy’s character by comparing them otherwise)  when she has her eyebrows plucked and her hair straightened and her glasses taken off. Anne Hathaway is whitebread and gentile as they come, but there’s something distinctly...uncomfortable about associating her “overcoming her awkwardness” (which is largely in her personality!) and “becoming a true princess” with getting rid of features like thick eyebrows and less-than-eurocentric straight hair....yeah. This isn’t like Cinderella where the dress is (in the Disney versions, at least) a connection to her mother and then a symbol of her equality/deserving nice things as much as any other girl in the kingdom. This is a girl’s natural features being equated with lacking social graces or worthiness to be a princess.

And inevitably, this means you tell young girls in your audience who have said features, who don’t fit the standards you’re setting, sorry, you aren’t worthy. Couldn’t they have just had Mia have to learn courtly mannerisms and diplomacy from Julie Andrews because she’s an awkward American teen or something? Make it more of a mildly-less-problematic My Fair Lady horse race scene type dynamic (or hell, Shrek-meeting-Fiona’s parents) where her quirky adolescent American attitudes and mannerisms causes funny clashes with the propriety of state dinners and such? There’s no damn reason to have this except to implicitly send violent messages about a very particular set of beauty standards. 

and the funniest is like when people are like disliking media aimed towards women is inherently misogynistic...no???? yet again people conflate liking the thing with it automatically being feminist and progressive and??? Just because a thing is Marketed Towards Girls doesn’t shield it from criticism, although I get the knee-jerk defensiveness because of the way femininity is derided.

There is literally nothing feminist about the content of The Princess Diaries??? Not once does Mia learn anything about politics or leadership, or shit, I don’t know, Genovian economics, and to be fair the film is like, clearly written on a level for five to eight year olds, so it’s Not About That, but even so the messages are genuinely damaging for girls in that impressionable age group! The frankly aggressive mocking of her features and overhaul of them is equated with her character growth! 

This is probably pretty disorganized, but yeah. Blegh.