#yes there is ikea in hell

[whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx]

Of all the theories as to how Carmilla and her daughters found eachother in Hell (adoption, reuniting after they died, one or all three being Hellborn, ect;), I think my personal favorite is the one where Carmilla was either pregnant when she died or later gave birth to a child she miscarried when she was alive.

But whether or not that’s true, one of my favorite crack theories/headcanons about Carmilla being pregnant in Hell is how absolutely weird the other Overlords would be about it- because let’s be real, they would absolutely be weird about it. Maybe supportive and weird, but weird.

Zestial, nervously following Carmilla around: My darling. My own heart. I beg of thou, please, for just a moment.

Carmilla, still stubbornly walking around in her ridiculously sharp shoes: I’M FINE.

Zestial, who’s been trying to get her to sit down or at least change her shoes for over an hour: 0,_0

Rosie, crouched at her side with a glass of something red and questionable: I’m telling you, honey, just try this. It’ll cure that morning sickness in a jiffy.

Carmilla, curled up on her bathroom floor: …it disturbs me that I’m nauseous enough to actually be considering this.

Zestial comes to her rescue and shoos Rosie out to go make her some (GINGER) tea before Carmilla can do something she’ll regret.

Alastor, gazing suspiciously: Why on earth is your abdomen moving like that? Is something trying to break out?

Carmilla, too exhausted to deal with this: That movement is my baby kicking, Alastor.

Alastor: Pardon? You mean to tell me that one can see that on the outside? Eugh.

Carmilla, glaring at him: You are so lucky you’re not worth getting up for.

- Rosie insists on throwing her a baby shower. Vox and Alastor get kicked out for fighting and are forced to put together the IKEA furniture for the nursery as punishment.

- I seriously doubt this lot can build and work an ultrasound machine, so something like this is likely.

Carmilla, slowly coming to after giving birth: Mmmh…?

Rosie, happily bouncing one baby in her arms: Oh good, she’s up! Congratulations, sweetie. You have two beautiful daughters 🥰

Carmilla: ….

Zestial, who’s gently cradling the other: Carmilla…? Is something the matter?

Carmilla: …there’s really two of them. I thought I was hallucinating.

BONUS:

Fun fact- some scientists say cats have sensitive enough hearing that they can hear babies’ heartbeats within their mother’s bodies.

Husk, staring at Carmilla:

Carmilla, who’s still processing that she’s pregnant and hasn’t begun telling anyone else: …is something wrong?

Husk, ears bristling slightly: h o w m a n y h e a r t s d o y o u h a v e ?

[grimmpheonix]

IKEA AU BEST AU

hollow knight ikea au.

[running-in-the-dark]

went to bed early and woke up before 8am today! pretty cool. except I woke up with a bad headache and eventually had a very long nap.

I'm just so damn tired! like, no matter how much or how well or when I sleep, I'm still tired all day. so it's just pointless trying to fix my sleep schedule (when I'll just be asleep most of the day anyway).

[cumironi]

YOU ARE GOOD TO ME jjk men

feat. gojo, geto, nanami, toji, sukuna, shiu, higuruma

summary. “i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life,” you said when your boyfriend have a bad day. why? you too have no idea, maybe because the fact that you don't know how and never once in you life comforting someone. genuinely. again genuinly.

warning. non-sorcerer! jjk men, crack, fluff, petnames,

GOJO SATORU

the apartment door slammed open like he’d just escaped war, and satoru gojo stumbled in dramatically with his white hair sticking out in every possible direction, sunglasses askew, and his coat only halfway on. he groaned as if gravity had quadrupled just for him. “i’m a broken man,” he announced, kicking off one shoe and somehow missing the entire genkan floor, letting it fly into the wall. “a shell. an empty husk. your poor boyfriend’s gonna die, babe.”

you looked up from your laptop on the couch, blanket wrapped around you like a burrito, eyebrows raised. “you say that every time you have to walk up stairs.”

“these weren’t stairs,” he collapsed face-first onto the couch beside you, not even bothering to move your legs—just burying his face right into your thighs like they were some heavenly pillow from ikea. “this was hell disguised as productivity.”

you let your fingers run through his messy hair, watching him melt under the touch. he peeked up at you through the curtain of silver strands and whimpered. “aren’t you gonna comfort me, sweetheart? tell me i’m a strong, hardworking man? kiss my forehead? lick my—”

“i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life,” you interrupted dryly.

satoru paused. blinked. then wheezed out a laugh like he’d just short-circuited. “what kind of weird-ass therapist talk is that? are you trying to seduce me or initiate a cult?”

you shrugged. “i read it online. it’s for people who are bad at comforting others.”

he burst out laughing again, rolling onto his back and yanking you down onto his chest with him, despite your protests about needing to finish your assignment. “baby, that was the worst attempt at comforting i’ve ever received. and also the funniest. you’re not supposed to make me wheeze when i’m dying. you’re supposed to kiss it better. preferably with tongue.”

“you’re so dramatic,” you mumbled against his neck, feeling the vibration of his chuckles under your lips. but he felt warm. exhausted, yes—but warm. arms tight around you like he needed you to keep him from sinking through the earth.

he sighed, running a hand down your back. “you know what, though? i actually like that stupid line. ‘i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.’ that’s hot in a weird way. mysterious. do it again, but whisper it in my ear like you’re about to tie me to a chair and interrogate me.”

you laughed into his collarbone, swatting at his side. “you’re unhinged.”

“and you’re terrible at comforting,” he grinned, lips pressing to your temple. “perfect match.”

he nuzzled into your cheek, breath soft and warm as he murmured, “thanks for not trying to fix it. just… lying here with me. even if you suck at words. i love your stupid mouth anyway.”

you blinked. “is that your version of affection?”

“it’s my version of proposing,” he teased, then added seriously, quieter this time, “you’re my favorite place to fall apart.”

you didn’t need to say anything back. just the way your hand found his and curled your fingers together said enough.

GETO SUGURU

the door to your shared apartment creaked open much slower this time. suguru didn’t have the dramatic flair of gojo—not unless he wanted something—but you could hear the unmistakable sigh as he stepped inside, shoulders heavy under the weight of whatever hell he’d just endured. he didn’t say a word, not even a greeting, just kicked off his boots, loosened the black tie around his neck, and tossed his coat over the armchair like a man who’d just survived an apocalypse and wanted absolutely no questions about it.

you peered up from the floor where you’d been lying belly-down with your laptop, typing an essay due in four hours and slowly accepting your fate. “hey,” you called softly. “you look like a ghost.”

“feel like one,” he muttered, voice hoarse as he stepped over your textbooks and dropped down beside you, his tall frame curling next to yours like he was seconds from passing out right there on the floor. “every joint in my body hates me. my brain is soup. and not even good soup. like lukewarm instant ramen broth.”

you scooted a little closer, until your thighs were touching. you didn’t know what to say. you were never great at comfort—it always felt forced, like reciting lines from a textbook. but you tried. “i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

geto froze.

turned his head slowly toward you with a blank stare.

“…what the hell did you just say?”

“it’s a thing!” you defended quickly. “for people who suck at comforting others, you’re supposed to say that. it shows solidarity.”

he blinked once. then again. then he made a deep, guttural sound from his chest—one that started as a chuckle and very quickly turned into a full-blown laugh, his hand dragging down his face like he couldn’t believe he’d just heard that come out of your mouth.

“baby,” he said between breathless laughs, “that sounds like something someone would say to a war criminal before interviewing them on a podcast.”

“well, i’m trying,” you muttered, looking away. “do you want a hug or not?”

he reached for you instantly, arms wrapping around your waist and tugging you into his lap like a man starved for affection. “yes, i want a hug. i want your shitty comfort. i want your confused college girl energy. i want all of it. come here.”

your legs tangled together as he nuzzled into your neck, his voice muffled against your skin. “your awkward little line is staying with me forever, by the way. next time someone tries to lecture me, i’m just gonna stare at them and whisper, ‘i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life,’ and see if they cry.”

“maybe they’ll fall in love with you like i did,” you offered, biting back a grin.

he kissed your shoulder. “they won’t. i’m saving my unhinged affection for you.”

you turned toward him, brows lifted in mock curiosity. “unhinged affection, huh? is that what you call pressing your nose into my cleavage while you sigh dramatically?”

“don’t disrespect my rituals,” he said solemnly, burying his face between your boobs like a man returning to his homeland. “this is how i recharge. spiritual energy. it’s science.”

“you’re ridiculous,” you laughed, letting him pull you fully into his lap, arms tight around your waist.

but he didn’t say anything else for a moment—just held you there, cheek pressed against your chest, breathing steady and warm. when he finally spoke again, it was quiet. tired.

“you don’t have to say the right thing. i just… like when you’re here. even when you’re awkward and quoting therapy twitter. especially then.”

you smiled, combing your fingers through his soft hair, brushing it back from his temple.

“i’d like to join you in acknowledging how bad you are at expressing emotions,” you said sweetly.

“you little shit.”

“you love me.”

“unfortunately, yes,” he whispered, kissing your collarbone. “very much so.”

NANAMI KENTO

you heard the apartment door click shut before the wall clock even hit 8 p.m., which meant something was wrong. nanami was never home this early. it wasn’t his style. he worked late, came back when the world was quiet, shoulders tight and tie loosened, jaw clenched like he was still arguing with someone in his head.

but tonight, it was different. he didn’t say a word when he came in. just walked in like his bones had betrayed him, hands in his pockets, tie already undone, and that golden tan trench coat of his draped over one arm like it weighed fifty pounds.

you sat up from your spot on the floor, where textbooks and half-drunk iced coffee cups surrounded you like a shrine to academic burnout before rise to your feet. “hey…” you said softly. “you’re home early.”

“burned out,” nanami said simply, putting his coat on the back of a chair like he was laying a body to rest. “utterly depleted. mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally—choose your adjective.”

you stood there awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to do with your arms. you weren’t the best at emotional first aid, and nanami was so… composed. always so damn calm, even when the world around him was on fire. it felt wrong seeing him like this—shoulders slumped, voice dull, his usual neat hair slightly tousled from stress.

so you cleared your throat. “i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

nanami froze.

slowly turned his head toward you like you’d just spoken in tongues. “pardon?”

“it’s supposed to be a comforting phrase,” you explained quickly, cheeks heating up. “for people who don’t know what to say but want to be supportive.”

he blinked at you for a long, silent beat.

then, deadpan, he said, “i feel like i just got emotionally mansplained by a motivational instagram reel.”

you sputtered, trying not to laugh. “you’re not helping.”

“no, you’re right,” he sighed, stepping closer until his hands found your waist, his head dipping down to rest on your shoulder. “i appreciate it. even if it sounds like something someone’s overly enthusiastic coworker would say in a corporate support group.”

his arms wrapped around you slowly—deliberately—like this was the only thing anchoring him to the floor. you could feel the tension melt away in pieces, each exhale grounding him a little more in your presence. “you’re terrible at comforting, by the way,” he murmured against your neck. “but you’re warm. and soft. and you smell like that overpriced shampoo i bought you, so i’m not complaining.”

you snorted. “so you do notice when i use it.”

“i notice everything,” he said, leaning back just enough to look down at you. “especially when you walk past me in those little shorts you think i don’t see.”

your mouth dropped open. “nanami kento.”

“i’m tired, not blind,” he muttered, leaning in to kiss the corner of your mouth, then your cheek, then your jaw. “let me rest my forehead on your boobs and pretend they’re a stress ball.”

you smacked his shoulder, giggling. “you’re supposed to be the mature one.”

“i have a professional reputation,” he mumbled as he guided you to the couch with him, sinking down with a deep, grateful sigh. “but not here. here, i’m your very tired, very needy boyfriend who just wants to be held and babied and—”

“don’t say babied.”

“—and smothered,” he continued stubbornly, resting his head in your lap like it was a luxury pillow. “preferably to death.”

you stroked his hair, soft and slow, and smiled down at him. “you want a bedtime story too?”

“only if it ends with you riding me into the sunset,” he murmured, eyes already half-lidded from comfort.

you blinked. “…sir.”

“you offered. i’m just being imaginative.” he looked up at you with that small, rare smile—the kind he only gave when he was too tired to hide how much he adored you.

“seriously, though,” he added quietly, fingers lacing with yours. “thank you. even when you’re awkward, you’re everything i need.”

TOJI FUSHIGURO

he didn’t even knock. he kicked the door open like it owed him money, his tall frame slouched in the doorway, one hand on the back of his neck, the other holding a plastic bag of convenience store food that looked like it had been crushed under his boot.

“hey, baby,” he called out, voice already heavy with exhaustion as he kicked the door shut behind him. “i think i tore my soul today. like, straight up. my legs are vibrating. that ain’t normal, right?”

you looked up from your laptop where you were halfway through a research paper, eyes dry and fingers twitching from too much caffeine. “you look like you just got hit by a truck.”

“mm.” he dropped the bag on the kitchen counter and slumped into the couch like gravity was trying to eat him alive. “probably did. can’t remember. the day was a blur of dumbasses and testosterone.”

you blinked at him. he looked so done—shirt halfway unbuttoned, tie hanging like a noose, hair a mess, one eye twitching from what you could only assume was the sheer mental stamina it took to not punch someone today.

you closed your laptop and stood. time to try.

“i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

silence.

toji turned his head very slowly to stare at you from the couch.

“…the fuck was that?”

“it’s a thing,” you said, crossing your arms defensively. “i’m trying to comfort you. don’t make fun of me.”

his lips twitched. you saw it. the way his eyes lit up like he’d just found his new favorite toy. “that was you trying to comfort me?”

“yes.”

he let out a low, slow laugh, leaning his head back against the couch. “baby, i love you, but that sounded like you were about to put on a headset and guide me through a meditation app.”

“okay, rude. i’m literally trying to be there for you.”

he patted his thigh lazily. “then get over here. bring those soft little thighs i like and come help me ‘acknowledge the difficulty of my life.’”

you rolled your eyes but walked over anyway, crawling into his lap and straddling him as his hands immediately settled on your waist like muscle memory. he looked up at you, eyes heavy-lidded, mouth pulled into a lazy grin.

“you’re bad at comforting, but you’re hot, so i’m willing to overlook it,” he said, sliding his palms up your thighs under your oversized shirt. “wanna kiss it better?”

“kiss what better?”

“my brain. my bones. my soul. my—”

“toji—”

“—cock. obviously.” he gave you a smug little smirk, resting his forehead against your chest like he was about to fall asleep right there. “’m serious though. lemme stay here a bit. you’re warm. and soft. and smell better than anyone I’ve touched all day.”

your fingers drifted into his hair without thinking, stroking back the messy strands. “you’re such a menace.”

“yeah,” he mumbled, already dozing, “but i’m your menace. the tired, aching, sex-deprived, emotionally-stunted mess you chose.”

you snorted and kissed the top of his head. “if you weren’t so hot i’d slap you.”

“do both,” he whispered against your chest. “get creative.”

but then, quieter, he added, “thanks for trying. i like it. even when it sounds like a therapy robot malfunctioning.”

you paused. smiled. and hugged him tighter.

“anytime, menace.”

RYOMEN SUKUNA

you didn’t expect to see him on the couch like that.

sukuna was always loud—annoying and smug, lounging across your bed like he owned the place (because he absolutely believed he did). he talked too much, flirted too shamelessly, and got under your skin so easily it was practically a talent.

but right now? he was quiet.

legs spread wide, forearms resting on his thighs, head tilted back with his eyes shut like he was trying not to bite someone’s head off. the black markings on his skin seemed duller than usual, and his eyes—usually narrowed and gleaming—looked heavy, like the weight of the world had finally pressed down on him for once.

you tiptoed over, unsure, nervous. sukuna wasn’t like anyone else. he didn’t want sympathy. he didn’t even believe in comfort.

but still…

“i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

his eyes cracked open.

slowly. like he was wondering if he just hallucinated that.

“…what.”

you shifted on your feet, hands behind your back. “i’m not good at… emotional stuff. but i read that line somewhere. it’s supposed to help.”

he stared at you. dead silent. not blinking. eyes locked onto you with the intensity of a man who had never in his life heard anything so baffling.

and then—

he laughed.

not a chuckle. not a snort. a deep, full-body laugh that came from his chest and shook his shoulders, one hand dragging down his face like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.

“you’re such a little idiot,” he wheezed, grinning now, eyes gleaming with mischief as he sat up straighter. “what the hell was that? who the fuck wrote that? i wanna thank them for the comedy gold.”

“shut up!” you pouted, smacking his arm. “i’m trying to be supportive!”

“supportive?” he scoffed, grabbing your wrist before you could pull back and yanking you right onto his lap, like he was done pretending to need space. “you sound like you’re reciting a spell to make me spontaneously combust.”

“maybe i am.”

he grinned again. slow and lazy. “you trying to kill me, baby?”

“no,” you muttered, cheeks warm as your legs straddled his thighs, hands braced on his broad shoulders. “just… you looked tired. and i didn’t know what to say.”

he hummed, arms sliding around your waist without hesitation, pressing you closer until your chest touched his. “i am tired. but if you keep climbing on me like this, i’ll forget all about it.”

you rolled your eyes, but your hands slipped up into his hair anyway, tugging gently. “you’re so dramatic.”

“and you’re so soft,” he murmured, burying his face in your neck, his voice suddenly quieter. rougher. “smell nice. feel even better. mm. i should fall apart more often if it means you’ll climb into my lap and say weird shit.”

you felt him exhale, long and slow, against your skin. he was warm. heavy. not just in body but presence—like he carried the weight of centuries and finally, finally let someone else hold him for a minute.

“you okay?” you asked, voice quieter this time.

“i’m fine,” he replied easily. “i’m always fine. just… annoyed. tired of dealing with people. bored. everything feels stupid.”

you nodded. “i get that.”

he pulled back just enough to look at you, two of his fingers tracing along your jaw. “you don’t need to say anything smart, you know. you just gotta be here. let me touch you. let me forget the rest of the world.”

“…you really are a pervert.”

“you say that like you’re not grinding on my lap while calling me tired.”

“sukuna—!”

“you love it,” he smirked, dragging his fingers down your spine until you shivered. “and i love you. even if you say weird comforting lines like some emotional AI.”

you blinked.

“what.”

“don’t make me say it again,” he said, too smoothly. “i’m only saying it once. i’m exhausted, not weak.”

you stared at him. for once, he looked flustered. not red-faced, not babbling, but that little twitch at the corner of his mouth gave it away.

you leaned in, whispered against his lips, “i would like to acknowledge the difficulty of your heart finally admitting that.”

“i swear i’ll spank you right now,” he growled, mouth already crashing against yours, exhausted and starving for you all at once.

SHIU KONG

you heard the door before you saw him—soft click, slow open, followed by the sound of a deep exhale and the thunk of expensive leather shoes being kicked off without care.

he rarely came home this quiet.

you peeked out from behind your textbook, still in your oversized hoodie and fuzzy socks, hair up in a lazy bun, half a bag of chips already devoured beside you.

he looked like hell. beautiful, expensive hell. black coat half off his shoulders, tie loose, eyes low-lidded with a dangerous kind of fatigue.

he didn’t even glance at you. just walked straight to the bar cart, poured himself a glass of dark liquor, and sank into the leather armchair like he was made for it.

you padded up to him quietly, awkward and unsure. your lips parted, brain short-circuiting, and then you blurted out, “i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

shiu froze mid-sip.

he slowly lowered his glass and turned his head toward you with the slow, deliberate grace of a man wondering if you’d just tried to initiate a séance.

“…what the hell did you just say to me?”

“i’m trying to comfort you,” you said quickly, a little embarrassed now. “i read it online. it’s supposed to validate your emotional experience.”

he blinked.

then—deadpan, flatly—he asked, “are you high?”

“no! i’m being serious. you just look… really exhausted.”

he stared at you for a moment longer before his lips twitched. he took another slow sip of his drink, watching you over the rim of the glass like a predator watching its prey try to act tough.

“you’re lucky you’re cute,” he murmured, voice low and amused. “because that was the most HR-approved way anyone has ever tried to flirt with me.”

“i wasn’t flirting!” you gasped.

“mm. so you just randomly walk up to me and talk like a guidance counselor in the middle of an emotional crisis?”

you flushed, crossing your arms. “okay, you know what? forget it. next time i’ll just let you rot in your classy little despair cave and do nothing.”

he grabbed your wrist before you could walk away, gently tugging you into his lap with practiced ease. his hand slid under the hem of your hoodie, warm palm splaying against your bare thigh.

“you’re not leaving me alone when i’m like this,” he said, voice dipped in that tired, rich silk tone that made your stomach twist.

you settled against him reluctantly, your head resting on his shoulder, fingers curling into the fabric of his dress shirt.

“i didn’t know what to say,” you muttered. “i’ve never seen you this tired. you’re always so… put together.”

he chuckled, low and bitter. “baby, you’re the only person i’d even let see me like this. the rest of the world gets the polished version. you get the man underneath the suit.”

“…so you admit you’re actually a cryptid.”

“a very expensive cryptid,” he murmured, letting his lips brush your temple. “one who only wants his bratty little girl curled up on his lap when he feels like throwing someone off a balcony.”

you laughed softly, fingers playing with his tie. “do you feel any better?”

“no,” he said honestly. “but i’m enjoying the view now. keep sitting there like that and i might forget how many people pissed me off today.”

“you’re such a perv.”

“i’m exhausted and in need of emotional support. and by emotional support, i mean your thighs.”

“…you’re impossible.”

“and you love it,” he whispered against your ear, nipping gently. “now be a good girl and keep acknowledging me. preferably without sounding like a therapy hotline next time.”

HIGURUMA HIROMI

he didn’t even greet you when he walked through the door.

his shoulders were tight. his expression, unreadable. briefcase in hand, tie loosened just enough to tell you he’d been fighting with it in the elevator. he kicked his shoes off, dropped his keys in the tray, and exhaled like the weight of the whole goddamn justice system had been balanced on his spine.

you blinked from the couch, still in your pajama pants and tanktop at 6 p.m., cuddled up with your laptop and a cup of tea you’d already reheated twice. he hadn’t even looked at you yet.

so you stood up, heart softening, and approached him slowly like he was a wounded animal. his eyes finally met yours—tired, heavy, rimmed with frustration and fatigue.

and you said, completely earnestly, “i would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulty of your life.”

he blinked.

paused.

just stood there, stunned in his wrinkled white dress shirt and undone tie, looking like you’d just offered him a lifeline made out of cling wrap and good intentions.

“…what?” he asked, voice hoarse.

you fidgeted. “it’s supposed to help people feel seen. and supported. and stuff.”

he stared at you.

and then—without a word—he set his briefcase down, stepped forward, and just…

collapsed into you.

face first.

straight into your boobs.

you froze. arms still awkwardly midair. hiromi was usually so composed, so careful about touching you, always asking permission like a gentleman even when his eyes darkened with hunger.

but now? he was clinging to your waist with both arms wrapped tight, burying his face in your chest like it was his only safe haven, letting out a muffled, broken little sigh.

“…you really are something else,” he mumbled into your tits, voice low and muffled by your skin. “who even says that?”

“i was trying to be comforting!” you squeaked, cheeks warm as you slowly wrapped your arms around his shoulders, one hand carding through his soft hair. “this is my first time dating a tired, hot lawyer.”

“you’re doing horribly,” he said, not moving an inch.

“…but you’re still nuzzled into my boobs.”

“they’re warm. soft. significantly better than anything else that happened to me today.”

you smiled, holding him closer. he melted against you, hips pressing to yours like he needed to feel all of you at once, breathing in the scent of your skin like it grounded him. your heart fluttered, cheeks on fire as he sighed again and murmured:

“do you even know what you do to me?”

“uh. judging by the fact that your face is in my cleavage right now, maybe?”

he laughed softly. almost shyly. and then—still with his face hidden—he admitted, quietly, “i was so close to snapping today. just one more word, one more file on my desk, and i think i would’ve lost it.”

you pressed your lips to the top of his head.

“i don’t need you to be perfect, hiromi. just let yourself be held sometimes, okay?”

he didn’t respond at first. just nuzzled in deeper, like he wanted to climb inside your skin and stay there forever.

“…you’re dangerously good at this,” he whispered finally. “even with the weird lines.”

“i practiced in the mirror.”

“adorable.”

“horny.”

“also true.”

he finally tilted his head up, resting his chin against your chest as he looked up at you, eyes softer now. the kind of soft that made your knees go weak. the kind of soft that made you forget he could probably ruin a man in court without blinking.

“can we stay like this for a while?” he asked.

you nodded.

he kissed your sternum, then let his head fall back into place with a content little hum.

“…you smell like cookies.”

“you smell like burnout and moral crisis.”

“perfect. we balance each other out.”

[theyhavetakenovermylife]

Ok so this is more of a headcanon/scenario request:

Which Turtle is likely to fuck reader so hard the bed breaks under them? (In detail, if possible 😏)

Would They Break The Bed? (18+)

2007!Turtles x reader

A/N: Tbh, they are mutants. If they wanted to break the bed, they would do it😂 Anyway, I gave the wheel a spin, and it decided on 2007 TMNT, so I hope you’ll enjoy💚

All characters are aged up.

Warnings: Furniture and things breaking during sex, and sex lol.

Leonardo:

Leo is the least likely to break the bed while fucking you. That does not mean that he doesn’t go hard and rough, because damn, he does. It simply is because Leo is very aware of how the bed is going, while he is fucking you into the maddress.

He could be in the middle of turning your world upside down, fucking you so good that you were a moaning and whimpering mess, unable to formulate words, yet he would still notice if the bed’s creaking started to sound a little different under the two of you.

If the bed was about to break, Leo would be quick to notice, and before you would be able to realize anything was happening, Leo would already have you in a different position on a different part of the bed, relieving some of the tension on the bed frame.

But that did not mean in any way that he would slow down, instead wrapping a hand around your neck in whatever position you now found yourself in, telling you how good you were doing for him, continuing to go as hard and fast as before.

It wouldn’t stop the bed from creaking though, and Leo did find some kind of satisfaction in hearing how close the two of you were to breaking the furniture.

Raphael:

Raph is the most likely one to break the bed during sex. Actually, he has already done it a few times. He has broken his bed twice and yours once, costing you a trip to IKEA for a new bed, and a long complaint from your downstairs neighbour.

It was in the middle of the night when Raph had crawled through your window, wasting little time before the two of you were getting busy on your bed, with Raph going to absolute town on you. Your knees pressed to your chest in a mating press, with Raph pounding relentlessly into you, groaning in your ear, telling you how good you felt around him.

The bed was creaking violently, moving back and forth with each of Raph’s thrusts into you. Both of you could hear it, and after having broken Raph’s bed twice, you knew the sound of a bed falling apart. But with how good the two of you were feeling, neither of you cared, too deeply invested in your pleasure.

Suddenly there was a loud crack, followed by a bang. You screamed as the frame of the bed fell to the floor with a loud bang, followed by your neighbor screaming downstairs. But did Raph care? No. Not even a broken bed could stop him from continuing fucking you sensles.

Donatello:

Donnie breaking the bed during sex? Not very likely, but also not impossible. Sure he would make it creak like hell underneath you, making it very obvious what you were doing, even if you somehow managed to keep your sounds quiet.

It was actually quite a problem how noisy Donnie had made yours and his bed. You couldn’t even get ready to sleep him your own bed, without it creaking after the attack Donnie had caused it while fucking your brains out.

But if your bed was creaking badly, then Donnie’s bed was a screaming nightmare. It was loud, moving back and forth with each of Donnie’s thrusts into you, even banging against the wall at full force. But that didn’t do too much to dampen you and Donnie’s mood. Actually, very little could dampen your lustful mood when you were together. But it surely killed the mood for Donnie’s brothers who had to listen to it when they were in their own room.

The loud creaking and banging against the wall was enough to keep all three awake at night. It did muffle out the sounds of you and Donnie’s moans and groans, but the unmistakable sounds of furniture and walls gave you away. And yes, they had yelled at Donnie to get a new bed and move it away from the wall.

Michelangelo:

Well, you, Mikey and furniture had a complicated history to put it lightly. You may not have fully broken a bed together, but you did cause one of the legs on your bed to break beneath you once, where Mikey decided it would be fun to have you bouncing on him at the corner of your bed. Upsi.

One thing was the amount of times the two of you had accidentally knocked things onto the ground while going at it (which happened quite often. Many cups, glasses and lamps have been broken after falling from your nightstands), but nothing could compare to the time you broke not just a couch, but a coffee table as well during the same session.

You and Mikey had the lair to yourselves, so of course you decided to have sex on the couch. And it was there, in the middle of a rough and hot doggy, that the springs under you collapsed, causing the two of you to fall halfway through the couch.

But with you and Mikey being the horny fools that you were, you just moved from the couch to the coffee table. It was here, while you were laying with your back on the table, with Mikey thrusting between your legs, that two legs on the table broke, causing you to slide down onto the ground. And that was how you and Mikey ended up fucking on the floor in the middle of the lair.

[okayitscase]

I GOT ONE. DJUNGELSKOG IS MINE.

djungelskog my love

[thatonegrimm]

id this req self indulgent? Yes. Do I care? No.

Im a little british guy. So naturlay, being grown up in britian, I cuss like a sailor. Like I use it as a conjunctive.

How would the saja boys react to there s/o (gn or male) cussing at them and being like 'oh I was only talking i didnt mean it rude' and the saja boy not believing them, only to walk in at them raging at something and the anger issues going off eith the swearing. I feel like the 'oh damn. They weren't kidding about nit meaning harm' would be pretty funny.

~the soul eating murder drones pookie (✈️)

✈️ Anon, I love self-indulgent requests 😌💕

Also?? I totally ended up looking up British slang to personalize this a bit more and—LMAO y’all have some wild phrases over there. This was such a fun one to write 😂 Enjoy!💌

🌙Saja Boys x M!Reader Who Cusses Like a Sailor

You weren’t mad. You were talking.

It’s not your fault your love language includes profanity. You just happen to say “what the fuck are you doing” the same way most people say “hey, babe.” The Saja Boys, meanwhile, did not grow up in a place where being called a “goblin dickhead” meant “I adore you.”

And it shows.

-------------------

��� Jinu 

You had said — lovingly — “If you bring that cursed Tupperware into the dorm again, I will shove it up your demon arse, Jinu.”

He went still.

You didn’t shout. You didn’t even sound mad. But your voice had that very specific British lilt that made it sound serious.

“…Did I do something wrong?”

You blinked. “No? I was just talkin’.”

He didn’t believe you.

Until two days later he caught you yelling in the kitchen at a jar of jam:

“OPEN, you gluey little bastard! I will end your bloodline!”

He slowly backed out of the room.

Then returned five minutes later with a towel and said, very quietly, “You weren’t mad at me, were you?”

You wiped your hands and gave him a look. “If I’m mad at you, love, you’ll know. I’ll use your full name.”

He never brought up the Tupperware again.

Later

You were brushing your teeth when Jinu leaned in, smiled, and said:

“You look… very stupid, you… absolute git.”

You blinked at him in the mirror.

“…You callin’ me a git?”

“Yes,” he said proudly. “Romance said it means ‘beautiful idiot.’”

“…It does not.”

“Oh.”

You spat your toothpaste and muttered, “Bless his dumb little heart.”

Jinu blinked. “That’s an insult too, isn’t it?”

You patted his cheek. “We’ll workshop it, love.”

-------------------

💪 Abby 

He had taken the blender apart. Again.

And you, having the patience of a soggy crisp, went:

“You absolute wanker. Put the blender down before I launch it and your soul into orbit.”

Abby blinked like you’d slapped him with a prayer scroll.

“…Did I upset you?”

“No?” You tilted your head. “What gave you that idea?”

“You swore at me.”

“I always swear at you. I swore at the toaster this morning.”

He didn’t buy it.

Until later that day, when you stubbed your toe on a chair leg and growled:

“You sharp-edged rat-legged furniture demon! I hope your whole IKEA family collapses.”

He stood there in the doorway, eyes wide.

“…You really just talk like that?”

“Did you think I was cursing you?”

“I kinda thought you were casting something, yeah.”

You just snorted. “Nah, mate. I only hex people I don’t like.”

Later 

He came up behind you while you were making toast and said brightly:

“Oi, you sexy bastard — I’d kneecap your mum for that jam.”

You turned slowly. “You’d what?”

“I thought it meant ‘you’re attractive.’”

“It absolutely does not! What the hell do you think I’ve been saying?!”

He panicked. “I DON’T KNOW, I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE VERBAL CUDDLING—”

-------------------

📚 Mystery 

You’d said: “If I find another sock in the tea cupboard I’m going to hex your kneecaps off, you pointy little cryptid.”

Mystery went radio silent for the next hour.

You assumed he was sulking.

Turns out, he was in his room Googling ‘British threats that mean affection?’

You found him later, curled in a blanket, clutching a book called “How Not to Emotionally Misread Your Man.”

“Myst, what the fuck.”

He peeked over the blanket. “You said you’d hex me.”

“I say that to lampposts, love.”

He still looked unsure — until you tripped on the front mat and immediately growled:

“YOU PLASTIC-FACED TRIPPING PIECE OF UNHOLY CARPET, I WILL SALT THE EARTH YOU CAME FROM—!”

Mystery blinked.

“…You were not joking.”

“No,” you grunted. “That one was aimed.”

Later

He sat beside you on the couch. Said nothing for five minutes.

Then: “You’re a dirty little onion goblin.”

You paused.

“…What.”

He handed you a crumpled sticky note with “British insults (safe?)” written at the top.

“Romance gave me a list.”

You read it.

onion goblin

teabag prince

half-crispy fuck

sexy broom closet

“…This explains so much.”

Mystery looked proud. “You said I could try.”

You kissed him anyway.

-------------------

💋 Romance 

You had called him a “Sparkly bastard drama queen with a god complex and thighs I’d commit arson for,” in one breath.

He short-circuited.

“You… weren’t angry?”

You rolled your eyes. “Babe, if I were angry, you’d be on fire.”

He blinked again. Then smiled, slow and stupid.

“Say it again.”

“What, sparkly bastard drama queen—”

“Yes,” he said. “Slower.”

He was insufferable the rest of the day.

Until he walked past the bathroom and heard you snarling at your own reflection:

“Who the hell gave you the right to look this tired at ten in the morning, you unholy sleep-deprived gobshite—”

Romance paused. Stared. Then smiled.

“Oh,” he whispered. “He speaks in swears.”

Later

He tried to out-cuss you.

Failed.

“You filthy lil slag-eyed cake-dribbler.”

“…What the hell is a cake-dribbler?!”

“I DON’T KNOW,” he shouted. “YOU SOUND LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME!”

You dissolved into wheezing laughter.

He pouted.

“…Did I do it wrong?”

You pulled him close. “Yes. Never stop.”

-------------------

🔥 Baby 

He took the last slice of toast, and you went,

“Oi! You thieving little rat! Hope your spine itches forever!”

He laughed. Loudly. “You tryna fight me?”

“No, I’m tryin’ to roast you.”

“Bet.”

He took it as flirting.

But then he heard you in the other room, screaming at your phone because the charger wasn’t working:

“You slippery little bastard! You fake arse static-stick snake! I’ll microwave you on principle!”

He walked in slowly, watching you rage at inanimate plastic.

“…You really just live like this, huh?”

You looked up. “Yeah?”

He grinned. “Cool. I thought you were threatening me before. Now I’m just turned on.”

Later

He showed up in your hoodie, pointed at you, and declared:

“Oi! You bum-sniffin’ meat pie! I hope your bathwater boils itself out of spite!”

You stared at him in awe.

“…That was the most aggressively British thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

He grinned. “Yeah. I’ve been practicing.”

“Should I be worried?”

“I’ve been threatening the kettle all morning. I think I’m ready.”

He wasn’t.

You loved him anyway.

-------------------

M-List

[red-riot-unbreakable-heart]

Some angst to fluff of himbo kiri finding out reader is pregnant?-🧚🏽‍♀️🧚🏽‍♀️

Red Riot: Unbreakable Baby Daddy

Eijiro Kirishima x Reader

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Ship: Eijiro Kirishima x Fem Reader! 💋

Genre: Angst to Fluff, Romance, Pregnancy, Smut

CW: MDNI!, A18+, PIV, pregnancy sex, oral, lemon, profanity

Link to My Master List

Well, shit.

You stand in your apartment bathroom nervously tapping your foot as you re-read the pregnancy test instructions. Plus sign means positive. Minus sign means negative. You grab the test with clumsy hands and it almost goes sailing into the toilet – almost. You manage to catch it before it hits the porcelain throne and you scramble to read it again. There, on the cheap drugstore pregnancy test, is the faintest of plus signs.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Okay – gotta think this through. Have you always wanted a baby? Yes. But are you ready for a baby now!?

Your mind whirs through all of the details of your life – steady partner? Check. Reliable source of income? Check. Decent living space? Check.

Sure, you’re a little younger than you would have liked, but to hell with it – you have everything you need to bring a baby into this world. So why the heck not!?

A baby! You’re going to have a baby. And not just any baby – Eijiro Kirishima’s baby.

You laugh giddily and race out of the bathroom to get your phone. It’s lying on the floral Ikea bedspread where you left it.

 You click open your home and see your background is currently an image of Keanu Reeves from John Wick. Oh. That’s right – you had swapped our your usual background pic of Kirishima for this image last night. After you two had fought for an hour.

Your petty revenge on Eijiro has always been to change your phone background to a hot, skinny actor. It always drives him a little crazy – he hates to see you lust over other celebrities. Especially the slim, emo looking ones – it always makes him a little on edge that his big muscular himbo body might no longer be your taste. It’s petty of you, and maybe even a little mean playing into your boyfriend’s insecurities like this…but it’s really the only ammo you have against him when you’re annoyed or angry. Of all the things a person could do to get back at their partner for something, having Keanu as your phone background doesn’t seem so bad.

You swipe to unlock your phone and pull up your last conversation with Kiri. You know you need to tell him ASAP, but the two of you haven’t spoken since your blowout the night before. It’s not as if you’ve broken up or anything, but you both needed some space.

You think back to the argument. The two of you rarely fight, but this particular quarrel had been festering for months. Kirishima maintains in public that he’s single. He refuses to put you in the spotlight, worrying that in announcing he’s “involved” with you, he’ll be putting you in harm’s way. He’s put away so many villains over the past decade, and he fears that they would come after you as revenge on Red Riot.

For months you’ve been telling him you’re ready to take on the risk. The two of you have been a couple for 3 years now. When he refuses to acknowledge that he has a girlfriend in the press, it makes you feel insecure. Does he not take this relationship seriously? Does he not think that you two are capable of going the distance? In private, he worships the ground you walk on, but is that all just for show when you’re alone?

The night before, you had expressed these fears and doubts, practically begging Eijiro to call his publicist and break the news that Japan’s Sturdy Hero is taken and off the dating market.

Aside from your personal insecurities, you hate seeing the way that women endlessly flirt with Eijiro in public. They ask for selfies, wrapping their hands around his thick biceps and planting chaste kisses on his chiseled cheek. Eijiro, being the manly hero he is, always vehemently shuts down their advances. But you always wonder, if the right pretty woman were to come along and ask for a date – would he say yes?

Despite your anxieties, Red Riot is unwaveringly loyal, and would never entertain the thought of cheating. But that doesn’t stop the media from insinuating that he’s dating a new super model or Pro Hero every other week. You hate seeing him plastered on magazines in the grocery store, photoshopped next to a Top 20 hero with a nice rack and a thousand watt smile.

You think back to the argument last night, replaying it in your head like an old film reel.

You had stood in your tiny apartment kitchen, cleaning up after a delicious dinner the two of you had cooked together. Earlier that day, you had seen a tabloid at the mall showing off a particularly salacious photo of Red Riot after a particularly gruesome battle – half of his uniform had been torn off, revealing budging muscles and his dark happy trail that disappeared into his work pants. The image showed your boyfriend sitting on the edge of an ambulance as a pretty nurse smiled up at him and wrapped up a wound on his arm. The tabloid had a flashy title splashed across the cover “Red Riot Finds Love in the Field!?” You had begrudgingly purchased the magazine, bringing it home so you could show Kiri how ridiculous the media is getting, and how much it bothers you.

“Look at this, Eij. I have to see these all the time.” You toss the magazine in his direction and he catches it, smirking at the image on the cover.

“Wow, how did they even get that picture? I didn’t see any press at that fight.” He wonders, flipping through to the article. “’Chivalrous Hero Red Riot does it again – defeats the villain and seemingly gets the girl. Did we see sparks between the sturdy hero and the pretty EMT patching him up? Sources on the ground say he asked the emergency worker to dinner to thank her for her efforts.’ Wow, babe, you’re totally right. They’re absolutely making shit up about me. But hey – I do think I look pretty good in this pic, don’t you?”

He cocks an eyebrow and holds the article up for you to see – you didn’t see this picture earlier. You had been too angry to look at the actual article. The image shows Eijiro standing strong in his hero gear – his arms are crossed and a confident smile sparkles across his handsome face. The picture turns you on a bit – you always love the way he has learned to own the spotlight, to look unbreakable in the face of danger. It’s one of the reasons why you love him so damn much – his confidence in tough situations. You know that it took a lot of work for him to get to this point – he used to second guess himself so much when he was younger. But Eijiro had put in the time and the work in building his self esteem and his hero career, and now he is able to save people with a grin on his face. You’re so damn proud of the strong, capable hero he’s become.

You push down your arousal and get back to the point. “Yeah, babe. You always look great. But look…the point is I don’t like the way that they are always trying to ship you with whatever woman is in your vicinity. It really hurts me.” You pause, looking away from the article and getting back to washing your dishes in the sink. You pass a wet dish to Eijiro which he dries wordlessly before placing it in your dish cabinet. “I want you to tell people about me – I want to be part of your life in every way possible. Babe…please.”

“No.” He says soundly, before rattling off all of the reasons why he doesn’t want your relationship public. The two of you continue washing and drying dishes together as you talk.

“But Katsuki and Izuku’s relationship is public! Kyoka and Denki! Shoto and YaMomo!” You say accusatorily, shutting off the faucet as you finish washing the final bowl. You shove it into his chest pointedly and stalk off to the living room. He dries the bowl and places it on the counter before following. You plop down on the couch and cross your arms. Eijiro is giving you a weird, stricken look. He doesn’t want to be having this conversation.

“Babe. I’m gonna say something that’s going to really piss you off. But I need you to understand if from my point of view. All of our couple friends…well, yeah they can be public about their relationships. Because they’re all Pro Heroes. And you’re…well, you know. You’re not. You’re a citizen who never worked to develop your quirk and you have no true combat experience. It’s different with all of them.”

You feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment and anger. “So what!?” You practically yell, hating to be reminded that you’re the only one in your boyfriend’s massive friend group who isn’t a Hero. “What does that matter? You think I can’t take care of myself!?”

“No, it’s not that. I just want you to think about the training we all have and the threats we face everyday. All of our friends can go toe to toe with the worst super villains known to society. So if some goon came after them looking for revenge…they would be able to deal with it. But babe…you’re not a Pro. I don’t want to get you involved in anything dangerous or scary. I need you to understand that and see if from my perspective.” He goes quiet, looking at you for an answer.

You’re furious. You can kind of understand where he’s coming from here, but whatever stretch of understanding you have is buried under pure undiluted rage.

“So your saying our relationship isn’t the same as all of your friend’s relationships? Ours isn’t worth celebrating and having public?”

“No, that’s not it at all! Babe. You are the most precious thing in my life and I do not want to put you in jeopardy. I need you to understand that.” He says pleadingly.

“I’m tired of seeing all those hot Pro Heros hanging on you and flirting with you on talk shows! I am sick of being quiet and watching other women fawn all over you like you’re some sort of man whore.”

“Y/N…you know that I don’t like getting that attention and that it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been trying to set boundaries with my fans and co-workers and I do feel like people are starting to get more respectful about touching me. Babe, I know you don’t like that and I’m really pushing back when women get close to me out in the field. Please believe me.”

You do. Of course you believe him. But if everyone just knew about your existence, you’re sure they would back the fuck away from your boyfriend.

“Eij. I believe you and I understand where you’re coming from. But I’m so tired of feeling like I’m some kind of dirty secret. I’m just so angry right now, I don’t think I can talk about this anymore tonight. Just…leave.” You’re getting a stress headache. You pinch the bridge of your nose and close your eyes in an attempt to stave off the pain, but it just gets worse. You walk away, leaving him sitting on the couch and looking upset.

He calls out after you, but doesn’t follow. “Y/N! I just wish you really understood why I want to keep this private. Please.”

A few minutes later, you hear the door slam closed behind him. You don’t text or call each other for the rest of the night.

But none of that matters now. That stupid argument is nothing - not now that Eijiro’s baby is growing deep inside you. You shriek with excitement. You need to let your boyfriend know ASAP. He’s leaving on a big mission soon, and you need to make sure you catch him before he goes into his next strategy session with Katsuki, Sero and Izuku.

You scramble to swipe open your stupid screensaver and pull up your contacts. You hit Kirishima’s name and let it ring, bringing the phone to your ear with giddy excitement.

The phone rings and rings. Finally, you hear your boyfriend’s gravely voice pick up on the other end.

“…hello?” He sounds annoyed.

“Eijiro. I need you to come over to my apartment…like, ASAP.”

His voice instantly looses its cold edge. “What’s wrong? Y/N – is everything alright?”

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean…I’m not sure! But I need you here right now. It’s urgent.”

“Is it about our fight last night? Because I’m still upset about it, but I am sorry if I minimized your feelings. I really can’t leave right now, we’re about to go and - ”

“Eij.” You cut him off midsentence. “I wouldn’t be asking you to leave work if it weren’t super important.”

He sighs, breathing out heavily into the phone receiver. “Okay. Give me 20 minutes.”

“Got it.”

He hangs up. It’s a mark of how upset he still is that he doesn’t end the call with his usual “Love you, sweetheart.” But you don’t care. You have a feeling that what you have to tell him will change everything.

The next 20 minutes are gonna feel like the longest of your life. You feel like you’re bursting at the seams with the news of your positive pregnancy test. You dance and twirl around the little apartment, using your frenetic energy to tidy. You clean the countertop and stove, flip through your junk mail and even fluff the pillows on your navy blue couch.

In a fit of inspiration, you scurry to your room and throw on your black silk dress. It’s sinfully tiny, with a slit running up the thigh. It’s by far Eijiro’s favorite outfit of yours. When he sees you in it, he can’t keep his hands off of you.

By the time that you hear his key turn in the apartment door, you’re fit to vibrate out of your skin you’re so excited. You watch him stumble in across the apartment threshold, looking world-weary and exhausted from a long day of mission strategy and patrolling.

“There’s my hero.” You say, running and throwing your arms around his thick, muscular neck. He catches you easily in his arms, his strong hands running down the smooth silk of your dress in disbelief.

“Is this your way of apologizing?” He mumbles into your shoulder. You laugh, giving him a squeeze before taking a step back from him.

“About that fight we had? It doesn’t matter right now. It’s irrelevant. I need you to forget about it.”

His eyes travel the length of your body, appreciating the way the dress hugs your curves. The slit up your thigh is of particular interest to his bright ruby eyes.

“Consider it forgotten.” He says, but he still sounds skeptical. “Now what was so urgent that you had me leave work in the middle of a strategy session? Bakugo almost ripped my head off when I told him I needed to come to your apartment.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about that. He’ll understand.”

“You sound awfully confident about that.” Eijiro raises an eyebrow, a frown plastered on his handsome face. “Must be something pretty important.”

“It is.” You grab his hand, dragging him across your tiny apartment and towards the bathroom. “Join me in the restroom.”

“Uh…okay.” Eijiro is flabbergasted, tossing his workbag to the ground as he follows after you. You pull him into your small blue tiled bathroom and push him down to sit on the toilet seat. Some news is best taken sitting down.

“Alright.” You reach into the medicine cabinet to grab the orange washcloth that you’ve stowed the pregnancy test in. “Close your eyes.”

“What’s going on, Y/N?” He sounds a mix of exhausted, tired and annoyed.

“Just go with it. I promise it’s worth the wait.” He sighs and obeys, closing his eyes and turning his face up towards the ceiling. You marvel for a moment at how – despite his manly himbo physique – he’s just so damn pretty. You hope your baby inherits the sharp curve of his chin and those glimmering ruby eyes.

You unwrap the pregnancy test from the washcloth and hold it out like an offering in front of Eijiro.

“Okay.” You take a shaky breath. “Open your eyes.”

Eijiro does as he’s told and stares blankly at you and the test for a moment.

“What’s this…?” He starts to say, and then it registers. The pregnancy test. The tiny plus sign.

 “OH MY GOD.” He leaps off of where he’s sitting on the toilet seat and scrambles to grab the plastic strip from your hands. He holds it close to his eyes and then far away again, taking in the magnitude of what it means. “Is this what I think it is!? When? How!?” He looks up at you in wonder over the test.

“Remember that camping trip with all of our friends up at the lake? We borrowed Bakugo’s car so we could go pick up some pizza from town, but we ended up pulling off the road and fucking in the back seat before we cleared the woods.” You smile, thinking back to the fated trip a few weeks ago.

Eijiro’s face is ghostly white as his eyes widen in realization. “Oh my God – we didn’t use a condom.” He sucks in a breath.

“I asked if you wanted to cum in my mouth but you were just begging me to let you cum inside. You kept calling me “sweet heart” and the “love of my life.” And it was so pathetic and sweet that I thought oh, what the hell! Maybe just this once! And now here we are.”

“Oh my God.” Eijiro takes a few steps forward and then sinks to his knees before you on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. Even on kneeling, he’s just so tall. He brings his head down to rest on your belly. You tense up, unsure of what to say. Everything is still and quiet, and your nerves are on edge.

Finally, Eijiro looks up at you, his wide ruby eyes glimmering with tears. A shaky grin spreads across his face. “Babe…I’m so happy.”  He places a kiss to your stomach before disentangling himself. He gets back to his feet and pulls you back into his arms. “I’m sorry for that bullshit argument. It seems so silly now.”

He nuzzles his face into your neck. “I just…” You hear him choke back a sob, his shoulders shaking. “I love you so much. I can’t even tell you what this means to me…I always pictured us having kids someday, but it always seemed like such a distant future thing. And now here we are. Sure, it’s unplanned and there’s a lot we need to figure out. But God, I feel so lucky.”

This brings tears to your eyes as well. You hug him back, breathing in his scent deeply. He smells like cinnamon – you’re sure he grabbed one of his favorite cinnamon donut snacks on the walk over from his agency. You snuggle into his arms and stifle back come joyful crying.

“We’re going to have the most beautiful family, Eij.” You say into his thick chest.

“Yes, we are. I bet the baby will have your beautiful eyes, and that glowing smile.” He runs his hand over your back soothingly, reaching across you to gingerly place the pregnancy test on the sink counter.

“I hope it looks like you – shark teeth and all. Can you imagine? Red Riot, Jr.” You laugh. ��You’ll have a little mini-Kiri running around.” You both grin at the image. “I should start calling you Red Riot: Unbreakable Baby Daddy.”

This makes Eijiro laugh. “Hey I like that! But wow, Y/N. Just wow.”

He sweeps you off your feet and into his arms, carrying you out of the bathroom and into your clean living room.

“We have so much to talk though. Hell, I should call out of that mission this week. We need to figure a ton out. Whose apartment do we want to move into – or should we get a new place together? We should do some financial planning, figure out childcare. What’s your job’s maternity leave policy look like? Shit, we’ll need to find a doula. Someone at the agency recommended having a doula. And at what point do we tell our friends? Our parents? Babe, you’ll need to build us one of your signature spreadsheets or planners or whatever, I - ”

“Shhh, Kiri.” You put a finger to his lips. “Babe, there’s plenty of time for all of that. Just let it sink in for a minute.” You’re wrapped up in his arms as he caries you across the room, holding you up like it’s nothing. Your Kirishima is such a strong hero, and you feel a fierce flame of pride flare up in your chest – this man is all yours.

You’re both silent for a moment, taking it all in. A baby. The two of you made a baby. It’s an incredible, almost unfathomable thought.

After a moment or two of quiet, Eijiro looks up at you mischievously. “So yeah, we can figure out all the financial and medical stuff later…but in terms of fuckin’…does this mean 9 months of unlimited cream pies?”

You shriek in surprise.

“OH MY GOD KIRI THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW!?” You cry out, your voice echoing through the apartment as you bat at him playfully, cackling. He leans down so he can capture your lips in a searing kiss. Oh, God. Yeah – he’s being serious. He breaks the kiss and puts you down on the couch lightly so that you’re sitting up and he drops to his knees before you.

“I think we should celebrate, baby.” He slides his hands up under your tiny silk dress, causing the fabric to gather at the tops of your thighs. “Ah, fuck you’re gorgeous.” He runs his fingers across your legs, leaving goose bumps peppering your skin. He peaks beneath your dress to see cute striped panties underneath. A hunger sparks in his eyes – his shark-toothed grin is ravenous, roguish.

He spreads your legs and scoots himself in between them, leaning forward to press a kiss against your clothed pussy. He brings up his hand and runs it across your panties, lightly circling your clit before tracing down, down, down.

“You getting’ wet for me, babe?” He whispers hoarsely, not taking his eyes off of your panties.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” You tease. You’re rewarded with a light pinch to your clit that causes you to yelp in surprise. “Kiri!” He chuckles, using his fingers to move the fabric of your panties to the side, exposing your pussy to the cool air of the room.

“So wet for me, sweet heart.” He grabs your hand, bringing it to his mouth so he can kiss your palm. He takes your forefinger and brings it to his mouth, wrapping his lips around it and sucking. He then moves your hand to your pussy and encourages you to pleasure yourself. “Show me how my baby likes it.”

You moan as you touch yourself, playing with your clit and dipping your fingers shallowly at the entrance of your pussy. Eijiro gets to his feet and takes off his hero costume, dropping his pants and underwear to the ground and freeing his hardening cock.

“You’re putting on quite a show, baby.” He says, leaning forward to slip the dress’s spaghetti straps off your shoulders. “Now show me those pretty tits.” He pushes the fabric of the dress down, exposing your chest. Your nipples perk up the instant the air hits them. He pinches your nipples lightly and then kneads your breasts a bit, one in each hand. The dress is now scrunched across your middle, most of you exposed to Kirishima’s greedy eyes. He takes a step back so that he can begin to stroke his cock as he watches you go to work on your pussy. You bite your lip and look away, almost embarrassed at the intensity of his gaze.

“You warmed up a little, baby?” He asks, leaning forward to plant his arms against the couch with you wedged helplessly in between. He kisses you again, roughly, before peppering kisses down your neck and across your collarbone. He stops to take one of your nipples into his mouth, licking and sucking until you cry out from the pleasure of it.

“Eij!”

He brings his body forward, guiding his cock towards your waiting pussy. You gasp as he smooths his thick member across your delicate, dripping entrance. “You make the prettiest sounds.” He coos, continuing to flex his hips to that you feel his length move against you.

You think he’s about to push inside when he pauses, his cockhead twitching against your entrance delightfully. “Can we do it now, though? Will it hurt the baby?” He says, concern tinting his husky voice.

“I did some research – yeah, we’re fine. Keep going.” You groan out, scooting your hips forward and trying to coax him inside.

“So impatient for me to cum inside you again, ain’t ya?” Eijiro taunts, rubbing his cock back and forth against your vulva. “You sure there’s room for one more in there?”

“God yes. Just fuck me already, Kiri!” You pout, straining to get closer to him.

“Anything for you, sweetheart.” He says before easing into you. Despite your assurance that the baby would be fine, he still takes extra care as he slides into place. He pauses to let you adjust to his size, but after a moment or two you’re off to the races.

“Jeez, babe…I forgot how damn good it feels to fuck your pussy raw. I can feel you, so tight around me. Fuckkkk.” He takes it slow, shifting his hips softly so that you can feel every inch of his hard cock as it slips and slides within you. You relax into it, your cunt stretching to slowly to accommodate his size. After all these years together, you know each other so well that fucking feels like bliss. You can just relax into it and let him take the lead.

After a few moments of gentle fucking to let you get comfortable, he makes sure you have a secure hold on him. He scoops you up and, cock still lodged deep within you, he gets to his feet. This is one of the things you love about your big, himbo boyfriend – he’s strong enough to be able to fuck you in any position and he can lift you up with absolutely zero effort. His palms flatten under your ass cheeks so he can bounce you up and down and you mewl, leaning your face into his hard chest. Your legs are wrapped around his thick body. He’s so muscular and wide that you have trouble keeping steady. It feels so incredibly good to have him intertwined with you like this, you have to remind yourself to keep your arms wrapped around his neck.

“You like that baby?” He gasps between thrusts. “You like it when I stand and deliver?”

“Oh God yes. Keep on deliverin’.” You slur, enjoying every sensation. He chuckles and obliges, supporting all of your weight in his hands as he continues to move. After a few minutes of this, you can tell he’s getting close by the way he starts squeezing your ass and speaking nonsense.

“You’re my girl, you know that? My absolute number one perfect babe.” His breath hitches as his cock almost slides out completely but he manages to guide it back into you without incident.

“Sit down, Kiri. I wanna ride you.” You whine, kissing his sweat covered collarbone.

“Alright, babe. Whatever you want.” He turns and slowly brings you both down to the couch. You know he’s got a fuck ton of stamina from being a Pro Hero, but standing and fucking has definitely caused him to work up a sweat. You can see that he’s grateful to be back on the couch. He leans back and his back sinks into the comfy backrest of the sofa, and he brings his hands up from your ass to rest on your hips.

“Go on, baby.” He coaches. “Show me how good you are at riding this fat cock.”

You slide your legs down and settle so that you’re straddling him, and bring your hands low to rest on his strong, beefy chest. You lock eyes with him as you slowly raise your hips, bringing yourself up high enough so that his cock is barely inside of you. He watches you with eyes so full of love and attention that it almost takes your breath away. You circle your hips in the air, the head of his cock rolling around your folds before you slam back down on his member, sheathing him in one fowl swoop.

“Damn. Fuck. Y/N.” He throws his head back in ecstasy and grips your hips so hard you’re sure they’ll bruise. “Christ you treat me so well.”

You continue to ride him at a near brutal pace. His breaths become shallow as he chases his high, sure to burst at any moment.

“Fuck! Wait – hold on.” He squeezes your hips and you come to a stop, puzzled. He bites his lip as he glances down between you at your stomach. “I wanna make this last. We’re celebrating, after all.”

You grin. “What do you have in mind, Eij?”

“Climb off of me and come sit on my face. Let me eat you out for a while.” He smiles at you, reaching out with his thumb to smooth a bead of sweat off your brow.

“You sure?

“The way I see it, once the baby starts growing it might get harder for you to climb on top of me. So let’s clock as much face fucking time for you as we can before that happens.” He says eagerly, taking a few moments to circle your clit with the pad of his thumb.

“Eij…you’re such a sweetie pie.” You tweak his nose as you move to get off his dick. He watches you rise up off of his cock, and he moans a little at the loss of contact as he slides out of your pussy.

“Don’t worry.” You say, kissing him on the cheek. “You’ll be back in there before you know it.”

He smiles as he helps you to your feet. “I know, its just feels so damn good to be inside you without a condom, anytime I have to pull out its torture. I keep forgetting that we can do this all the time now.” He lays down across the couch and gets comfortable, placing a pillow beneath his shoulder blades. “Alright, sweetheart. Come up and take a seat.”

Your clit absolutely throbs in anticipation as you climb up on top of him, straddling his face in a position that’s become so familiar. He wraps his arms around your legs and guides you down, swiping his tongue across your pussy with practiced skill.

“Oh, God, Kiri…” You groan, relaxing into it. He drags his tongue across your clit and down to your core, gripping your legs tightly to hold you in place as he takes you apart one lick at a time. You grind your hips back and forth lightly, shimmying against him in a move that probably looks more silly than pornographic. You don’t care, though – it gets the job done. You let him bring you to the brink of orgasm with his mouth alone, gasping as he sucks on your sensitive clit for what feels like hours. When your legs start to shake, it’s a surefire sign that you’re about to tip over the edge.

“Babeee.” You whine as you get close. “Wanna cum on your cock.”

Eijiro stops what he’s doing and says in a muffled voice “You’re so impatient, sweetheart.” You grind against his face in reply, and he laughs. He helps you climb off of him, your legs still shaky and uncoordinated.

You let yourself rest for a moment, taking deep, steadying breaths. You look up at your hero - his gelled up hair is now disheveled and out of place. He’s wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and smiling at you. “Eating you out is one of my favorite hobbies, babe.”

You giggle. “Is it nice to be having sex while everyone else is at work?” You ask, laughing as he easily flips you over onto your belly.

“It is a nice break from a stressful job, yeah.” Eijiro gets behind you, finally pulling the dress down and off your body so that it’s no longer hiked up in a heap around your middle. He lays it delicately on the back of the couch. “Can’t have anything happening to my favorite outfit.” He explains as he smooths out the fabric.

He puts a large hand on your back and slides it up towards your shoulder blades, adding some slight pressure to encourage you to get down on your elbows. He hauls your ass up towards him and settles himself behind you.

“You ready?” He asks, sliding his cock along your folds, using his split and your slick as lube.

“Y-yeah.” You breathe out, body buzzing with anticipation. “Go for it.”

He glides back into you, doggy style. This is your favorite position, as it allows his big cock to hit just the right spot deep inside you. Once again, Eijiro takes it slow. He braces one hand on your hips, the other on your stomach. He spreads his fingers wide against your belly, protective. You know he’s distracted – half of his thoughts are no doubt on the baby and all that it means for the two of you.

He makes love to you like this for quite a while - enjoying the feel of your bare pussy around his cock, reveling in every sigh and moan he can goad from your pretty mouth.

“Kiriii.” You whine, fed up with this slow and easy pace. “Faster, baby.”

He smirks down at you, releasing your hip for a moment so he can deliver a light smack to your ass. “Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

He picks up his pace, fucking you with practiced skill. He maneuvers his hips in a way that allows him to go deep, concentrating all of his energy on one singular point. When the tip of his cock hits your cervix, you splutter out endless praise.

“Fuck, yes Eij. Fuck fuck fuck, keep going.”

And he does – he hits the same delicious spot over and over and over. You’re overwhelmed with the pleasure of it all, tears coming to your eyes as you feel heat start to pool in your belly. Your legs are shaking beneath you, and you know that the only reason you’re still able to stay in this position is because Kirishima’s strong arms are holding you in place.

“You wanna cum for me, sweetheart?” Eijiro hisses between clenched teeth, concentrating on keeping his pace consistent as he pistons his dick into you. “You look so pretty when you’re all riled up and desperate for my cock like this.”

“Ah – Eij!” You cry out as your pussy flutters around him, you cum hard and fast. Stars dance behind your eyes as your body squeezes and tries to milk Eijiro’s cock.

“Woah – fuck  babe!” He cries out in surprise, not expecting such a forceful orgasm from you. Your pussy feels like absolute heaven around him, and the way your walls squeeze and pull at him causes him to lose himself. He cries out when he cums, ropes of hot, sticky sperm shooting deep inside you. If you weren’t already pregnant, this particular fucking certainly would have given you a run for your money.

“Fuck babe. I’m gonna fuck another baby into you.”  He’s groaning nonsense as he rides out his orgasm, head thrown back and hands gripping you desperately. The overstimulation of it all has you feeling full, complete.

With a few final pumps, he’s spent. He slowly pulls out of you, marveling at the gooey creampie he’s left in his wake.

“Babe…this is insanely hot.” He says, bringing a finger up to push his seed back inside of you. You groan at the contact, overstimulated from cumming so damn hard.

“Kiri stoppp, I need a minute.” You collapse into the couch, rolling over onto your back and shuddering as you try to catch your breath. Eijiro joins you, leaning back into the couch cushions and staring up at the ceiling in ecstasy.

“We should fuck like that all the time.” He says, eyes sliding closed with exhaustion. Between last night’s fight, today’s work, and this afternoon’s physical activity – he’s spent. “God, I love you.”

“Love you too, Eij.” You coo, you feel yourself slipping towards sleep.

“Don’t fall asleep just yet.” You feel the couch cushions rise up around you as Eijiro gets up and onto his feet. “We gotta clean you up first.”

You hear the floorboards creak as he pads his way back to your tiny bathroom. Distantly, you hear him turn the faucets of your tub as he starts to draw a bath. You let yourself drift off for a few moments, content with your lot in life. You’ve got the best boyfriend in the world, and now you get to have his child. What could be better? You doze.

You startle awake when you feel Eijiro lift you off the couch and into his arms. You rest your head against his bare chest and hear his heartbeat against the shell of your ear. The steady rhythm is music to your ears, and you snuggle into him as much as you can. You hear him chuckle as he carries you off towards the bathroom.

“Babe…I think that maybe we should think about telling the press about us. What with the baby and all…I want to keep you safe, but I don’t want people to think that I just knocked you up with a secret love child or something. Not very manly.” He pauses, sucking in a breath. “And as for the safety part…maybe I can train you up a bit, show you ways to use your quirk to defend yourself. I can’t always be around to protect you, but you’re strong. And I know you’re capable of protecting yourself.”

These words jolt you fully awake. “You mean that, Eijiro?” Then you add teasingly: “Being my Baby Daddy changed your mind?” Eijiro chuckles at this new title in a way that tells you he’s elated to be your “baby daddy.”

“Of course I mean it, babe. If anyone can figure all of this shit out, it’s the two of us. Ya know?”

“Yeah, I know.” You say, your brain whirring to process all that he’s said. “But I don’t mind keeping our private life private. This baby. This family – it’s ours, and no one else’s. Fuck what the public thinks.”

“I guess we have a lot to talk about.”  He says, finally coming to a stop in the steamy bathroom. “But we don’t need to figure it all out right this moment.”

You look up at his strong, handsome face and bring a hand up to trace his jawline.

“You’re so beautiful, Eij.” He blushes at the compliment, flustered. You know he loves being called things like “manly” and “handsome,” but he has a weak spot for softer compliments as well. Your himbo boyfriend loves to be admired softly, loves your gentle praise. “You’re so sweet and good to me.”

“Heh, does this mean that you’re gonna change your phone background back to a pic of me instead of John Wick?” Eijiro leans down to plant a kiss on your temple.

You stifle a laugh. “Yeah, I guess. If it would make ya happy.”

“It would.” He kisses you again. “You ready for a bath, sweetheart? I can do most of the work if you’re too tired.” You nod at him, eyes half lidded. You’re so damn sleepy. You feel like you just had a whole body workout and then some.

Slowly, sweetly, Eijiro lowers you into the bathtub. He moves slowly, letting you get used to the water as you sink down into it. The temperature is perfect – not too cool, not too scathingly hot. Eijiro knows you so well, down to your perfect water temperature. Your bum hits the bottom of the tub and you sit up, surprised at the mountains of bubbles towering around your head.

“I got a little carried away with the bubble bath mix.” He says, cupping some of the frothy suds in his hands and blowing them across the bathroom. You look at him lovingly – he’s going to make such a good dad.

You look up at him, grinning. You blow some bubbles in his direction before gesturing for him to join you.

“Get in here, Eij. There’s plenty of room for a family of three.”

[wlwsoccerfics]

Hell On Earth (LeilaOuahabiXCasparijReader)

A/N: a Birthday Post basically. I know i am a bit late But oh well.

this Is Not a birthday themed Fic.

Warnings: none.

Summary: your girlfriend drags you to Ikea. That is your Personal hell On Earth. You really dislike this place.

You looked at your girlfriend of almost three years. Sighing softly. By the look on her face you knew what she wanted. She was giving you those puppy Dog eyes. Which meant one Thing...

"Baby, please can we go to ikea?" She asked you, sitting down on your lap, pecking your lips.

"playing dirty i see!" You replied and sighed softly. "Fine. But Babe please no more candles and blankets!" You added.

"you know i can't promise you that!" She told you and grinned sheepishly.

"of course you can't, lucky for you that i love you so much that i even go to this place with you because i am sure this hell hole has ruined some relationships." You stated and then smiled a little. You would do (almost) everything to make her Happy.

"i Love you so much too, beautiful." She told you and kissed you gently. You kissed her back, pulling her into your lap.

"trying to Charm me?" You asked against her lips, smirking softly.

"do i still have to? I mean you already agreed to go to ikea and you just declared your love for me. Again. We have been together for three years! It's pretty clear that i already charmed you!" She stated and you laughed softly.

"fair point Babe! Fair point!" You replied and laughed softly.

Sure enough twenty minutes later you were driving to Ikea with Leila in the Passanger seat, she had put on some Spanish Playlist. Which you very much enjoyed.

"i am gonna buy some scented candles." She informed you. You had like 40 different candles at home. They all smelled different. But there was no way you could convince her not to buy any more. "And some blankets!" She stated.

"Ik had het moeten weten." ( I should have known )You mumbled out. Trying to be upset about it but you were so in love with her so you would let her buy whatever she wanted. Even though that meant you probably would be in that Store for at least two hours.

"we can get some food afterwards." She told you.

"some Pizza would be nice." You informed her. She giggled softly.

"my little Pizza Lover!" She stated.

"can you blame me? I mean Pizza is amazing. So cheesy and delicious!" You said, smiling softly.

"it's cute how excited you get about Pizza, Babe!" She really found it adorable.

When you parked the Car in the parking lot you let out a soft laugh when your twin sister parked a few Cars away from you and got out with her girlfriend.

"Kerstin. Did you get dragged her as well?" You asked her and grinned softly.

"i did. We can't seem to say no to our other halfs." She stated and laughed softly.

"hey Ruth. So true!" You all greeted one another with a hug before walking inside together.

"oh those candles smell great!" Leila said. She let's Ruth smell them.

"yes they do. I need to get some as well!" Ruth stated.

Both Ruth and Leila walked around, looking at everything and Putting it into the carts which were pushed by you and Kerstin.

"this will be so expensive but oh well!" Kerstin told you with a soft laugh escaping her lips.

"as long as they are happy." You replied with a soft laugh.

"good point!" Your twin said.

The four of you spent almost 2 1/2 hours in there. But when you finally were able to leave, you all went to get Pizza from your favorite place. You saw it as a reward for surviving Ikea.

[carriagelamp]

My favourite books from 2024! Another really strong year of books for me -- every year will have some stinkers and a bunch of middling reads, but the highs of this year were really high so I'm pretty content

As always, I give more detailed descriptions and opinions of the books in my month reviews, but here's a quick breakdown for anyone who's interested:

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

A non-fiction book that looks at how childhood has been “rewired”, focusing specifically on the increase of overprotective parenting, increase of tablet/social media usage, and decrease of unstructured, independent play. It was a fascinating read that really looked at how children need to be given lots of opportunities to play, take risks, and make mistakes in order to learn and grow and how a loss of that might be impacting people’s mental health. As someone right on the cusp of the age bracket that’s being focused on, it felt very exposing.

Apothecary Diaries v1-2 by Natsu Hyuuga

Maomao is kidnapped and sold as a servant to the imperial palace, where she serves as a general dogsbody in the rear palace, home of the emperor’s various consorts and concubines. She’s determined to keep her head down until her contract is up… until she helps solve a mystery and catches the eye of the powerful eunech Jinshi who soon learns about her in-depth knowledge of apothecary work and anything to do with poisons. Very funny premise, Maomao hates Jinshi soooo much and he is such a simp for it. She just wants to eat poisons and be left alone and he says “no<3” to both of those

Bury Your Gays (and Straight) by Chuck Tingle

Both of these are very explicitly queer horror novels. Straight is a novella that riffs on the format of a zombie story, but with straight people becoming inexplicably violent towards queer people one day a year. Bury Your Gays is about a Hollywood screenwriter who realises his horror creations are begin to stalk him in the real world. Both are very intentionally built around social commentary on queer issues, and despite have audacious premises they completely own their camp and end up producing really well thought out, insightful stories. I can’t say I liked either as much as Camp Damascus but either is worth a read.

Console Wars by Blake J. Harris (and Blood, Sweat, and Pixels by Jason Schreier)

Console Wars is a nonfiction book I’ve meant to read for years on my brother’s recommendation and I quite enjoyed it. It explores the history of the video game console market in North America, with a focus on how Nintendo revitalized it and how Sega then swooped in to upset the monopoly it held. The book is written in a very narrative, personable style and I found myself really rooting for the various people and companies being portrayed ahahaha. A shockingly fun read. I also read Blood, Sweat, and Pixels which wasn’t quite as narratively compelling but a related read that looked at games with complex development cycles.

Defekt by Nino Cipri

Technically the sequel to Finna which I also read this year, but Defekt works as a stand-alone and is, imho, the better of the two. Both deal with a surrealist horror Ikea setting, where the sheer density and liminal-space-ness of it all allows strange wormholes to open up between these stores from different dimensions. Finna deals with actual wormhole hopping, whereas Defekt focuses in on one employee who gets assigned to a very strange overnight inventory shift.

The Disabled Tyrant’s Beloved Pet Fish v1-2 by Xue Shan Fei Hu

Fish isekai book. Is this a good book? No. Is it a really really fun book? Yes, in spades. In this book, Li Yu wakes up in a court drama novel… but not as a character but rather as the tyrannical prince’s pet fish. He is given the task to improve the prince and is stuck figuring out how the hell to do this as a fish. This book knows exactly how ridiculous it is and leans into it. Li Yu and Prince Jing are both idiots in very unique and exciting directions. No one knows what the fuck is happening.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire

A prequel to Every Heart a Doorway, though it works perfectly well as a standalone. Honestly I liked it more than the first. This book has deliciously gothic horror vibes, and it plays with all the tropes you would expect from gothic horror / fear of the sublime. It’s about sisters who find a strange chest that lets them descend to the sinister land of the Moors. This is where vampires rule, werewolves stalk, and mad scientist’s ply their craft. The girls end up separated on and very different trajectories as they grow and acclimatize to the brutal existence of the Moors.

Escape From Incel Island by Margaret Killjoy

Exactly what it says on the tin. Completely insane book that is very worth the read if you feel like something that is patently insane. I strongly recommend treating this as a read aloud with a friend or loved one because I read it with my brother and couldn’t stop laughing. Top notch mercenary Mankiller Jones is sent to escort a computer scientist to Incel Island to retrieve lost governmental data. There they have to survive the hoards of Nice Guys, Volcels, Betas, and every other violent inhabitant of the island if they ever want to… escape from Incel Island.

Heaven Official’s Blessing v6-8 by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

I finished the main series of Heaven Official’s Blessing (without reading the extras yet), and man what an ending! I could not have asked for a more epic or satisfying conclusion! The final battle and its various stages? The character reconciliation? The villain reveal? Perfect, no notes. The series itself follows Xie Lian, a prince who has ascended to godhood twice and been cursed and cast out from Heaven just as many times, giving him the title of the Laughingstock God. The story begins with him, to everyone’s dismay, ascending a third time.

Horrorstör (and Paperbacks from Hell, My Best Friend’s Exorcism) by Grady Hendrix

This book also deals with a Strange Alternate Ikea, but is the superior book. This was one of my top reads for 2024, and it was flawless horror. It is essentially a haunted house story set in an Ikea, that manages to be both chilling, disgusting, and a shockingly insightful critique of capitalism and retail. Very worth the read. 

After reading this I also read Paperbacks from Hell (a nonfiction book that does an analysis of horror fiction from the ‘70s and ‘80s, very good read) and My Best Friend’s Exorcism (which was decent but not my favourite of Hendrix’s since possession and exorcism isn’t my favourite brand of horror. The vaguely queer undertones and ending I found interesting, and it did some cool things throughout.)

Jeeves and Wooster books by P.G. Wodehouse

I ended up listening to so many of the Jeeves and Wooster audiobooks this summer while I was travelling. There were some I really really loved and some that fell very flat for me. I think I listened to too many in a row by the end… These books are like popcorn, not deep but very fun, and follow the airheaded but good natured Bertie Wooster and his man Jeeves who unfailing swoops in to solve all the strange and inane problems the Bertie gets involved in. They tend to be funny, light-hearted, and clever in their resolution of plot problems… though some of the issues do get rather repetitive. My favourites were: The Inimitable Jeeves, Very Good Jeeves, Right Ho Jeeves, and the Code of the Woosters.

Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi

Some excellent science fiction, especially for my Pacific Rim loving heart. This bordered on the cosy fantasy genre, while mixing in plenty of science, world-building and a good dash of excitement. During the Covid-19 lockdown, Jamie Gray is stuck trying to make ends meet as a food delivery driver… until he runs into an old acquaintance who suggests he might have a very different job offer for him. Jamie ends up joining this very secretive “animal rights group” and finds out just how massive, dangerous, and otherworldly these “animals” are by being risked to an entirely different dimension filled with giant, radioactive monsters.

Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books by Kirsten Miller

One of my favourite books from this year! Tthis book managed to hit on very topical subjects with both tact and humour. Lula Dean has spearheaded a book banning crusade, managing to get a number of “problematic” books removed from the library and has made a show of setting up a Little Free Library in her yard full of “appropriate” books instead. When Beverly Underwood visits her mother and hears about this she’s so exasperated with it all that she quickly hatches a plan swapping out the dust jackets of some of the banned books with the ones in Lula Dean’s Little Free Library. The rest of the story is about various people in the town who borrow a book from Lula Dean’s library and how the book they got instead ends up impacting not just themselves but their town. The first story involves a penis cake. Can’t recommend it enough, starts out humour and quickly becomes something you want to rally around.

My Happy Marriage v1 by Akumi Agitogi

This was pure mindless fluff, it was honestly a delight. This is a low-fantasy, Cinderella-esque story set in the Taishō era. It focuses on Miyo Saimori who lives under the thumb of her cruel step-mother, haughty step-sister, and indifferent father. She’s resigned to being treated like a servant in her own home and ekeing out a strained existence, but her life takes a turn when she finds herself nominally engaged to the allegedly cold and cruel Kiyoka Kudou. It’s just absolutely overwhelmingly cute and I really enjoy the contrasting POVs.

A Series of Unfortunate Events and Poison for Breakfast by Lemony Snicket

I’d never finished The Series of Unfortunate Events when it was originally coming out, so I finally sat down and did that, and honestly it was well worth the wait! It was a very interesting series to read as an adult, especially all in one go, because it really let me appreciate everything that Snicket was trying to say. It was a much more clever and philosophical read than I was anticipating, and The End was fucking superb. He absolutely stuck the landing, it completely blew me away. Poison For Breakfast was also a very interesting standalone novella that felt like surrealist philosophy. I might have even enjoyed it more than the basic TSOUE.

The Poison Squad (and The Poisoner’s Handbooks) by Deborah Blum

Poison Squad is a very compelling and topical nonfiction about the formation of the American Food and Drug act. The state of unregulated food processing in the late 19th century was, in a word, nightmarish. Don’t read this book if you have a weak stomach. But it’s completely fascinating to see how one person, Dr Harvey Wiley, made it a personal mission to scientifically prove what all these mysterious food additives were doing to people and put limits to what could be sold to consumers. I liked it so much I went to read Blum’s other book, The Poisoner’s Handbook which is set during Prohibition and explores the rise of forensic medicine and again exposes how people were being poisoned by simply living their standard lives.

The Pushcart War by Jean Merrill

The real, true history of the New York City Pushcart War!! For real!!! This is a delightful underdog story that is really written in the style of a history textbook recounting the fictional Pushchart War. This war started in New York City as the roads get increasingly congested with traffic, the worst offenders being the increasingly massive and arrogant trucks. The trucking companies hatch a plan though: if they begin to push out the little pushcarts, framing them as the problem for the congestion, then how hard would it be to push out taxis next? Or buses? Or motorcars? How long until they can make the road a perfect habit for trucks and trucks alone? How can something as small and poor as a pushcart owner fight back?

Railsea (and This Census-Taker) by China Miéville

I heard Railsea described on tumblr and it sounded sufficiently insane that I had to read it for myself. This author is truly unrivaled when it comes to bizarre worldbuilding that feels both very, very grounded in reality while also being completely unexplained and impossible. Railsea is essentially a Moby Dick meets Treasure Island retelling but with trains instead of boats and giant, mutated, vicious moles instead of whales. Unhinged. Can’t recommend enough. I followed this up by reading his novella This Census-Taker which was not as much of a frolicking adventure but fucked with my brain just as much or more than Railsea did. Genuinely not sure I even know what happened in that story but I enjoyed the experience of being completely fucking baffled for some 200 pages.

The Salt Grows Heavy by Cassandra Khaw

Another book to ideally not read if you have a weak stomach. This novella is very big on unrelenting body horror. This is a twisted fairytale retelling in which a cannibalistic Little Mermaid meets a plague doctor Frankenstein. Both of them are walking away from cruel past lives, along a trail that’s soaked in blood and viscera. You feel how painfuly and disgustingly human this book is, while also being so wildly separate from anything that resembles human anatomy or morality. Superb.

Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System v1-4 by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

The last of MXTX’s three series I needed to read. It was the one I was most hesitant about, but I ended up having a really great time with it. It is simultaneously the most light-hearted and silly of the three series, while also the one that most gleefully dives into torture and sex. So you get a bit of everything with this, and as usual MXTX does a really good job of mixing the humour and series in a way that keeps things constantly interesting. The story is about Shen Yuan who dies our of pure, frothing fury after reading the shitty ending to the shitty, porny webnovel he’s been reading for hundreds of thousands of words. He dies cursing the lousy author and the lousy writing so he’s given a chance: step up and do it better! Which is easier said than done, when he finds himself waking up in the body of the series’ villain who is destined to be gruesomely tortured to death. Better get on that!

Shakespeare: The Man Who Pays the Rent by Judi Dench and Brendan O'Hea

This is the written result of a number of interviews held between Judi Dench and Brendan O’Hea and she discusses her time as a Shakespearean actress. It looks into what her time working with theatre companies was like, summarizes the plays she took part in, and delivers into some fascinating character analysis of the roles she played. An absolute treasure of a book for someone who enjoyed their Shakespeare and/or Judi Dench.

Singing Hills Cycle v1-5 by Nghi Vo

Probably my favourite series that I read this year, I can’t wait for the next book! This series follows Chih and her magical bird companion who come from the Singing Hills Monastery, an order that is devoted to keep recording tales and keeping a history of the land. Chih travels all over in these various novellas, collecting stories, memories, and histories that they come across. The first book has them entering the recently unwarded palace of the late Empress to learn about her marriage, imprisonment and rise in power. The second has them trapped by a pack of tigresses with nothing to do but frantically lure them into comparing stories. 

The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

Ten year old Ada was born with a club foot and because of it has never been allowed to leave her apartment. She lives a hard life trying to care for her younger brother and suffer through the abuses of her mother. Things change though as the Second World War truly begins and London begins to evacuate children to the country. Ada is determined — she and her brother will evacuate, they will escape their mother’s house, even if it means her learning how to walk on her club foot. Even if it means facing how different life is for unwanted slum children in the country, and confronting how much she and her brother don’t know about life. This was a very touching book, it did a great job of balancing Ada’s justifiable pain and anger with an optimistic story. Queer elements are all subtext but there — they aren’t the main focus of this story.

When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill

This book absolutely took my breath away, it was a next level literary experience. It’s very, very solidly magical realism, so don’t go into this expecting true fantasy, everything going on here is allegorical and a beautifully done allegory at that. This story is set during the 1950s, in a time surrounding an event known as “The Mass Dragoning” when thousands of women suddenly, spontaneously, transformed into dragons and flew away. The story follows Alex Green who was a child during this event. Her aunt transformed. Her mother didn’t. Both of these things have profound impacts on Alex as she grows up, and a woman’s role in society, a woman’s anger, her joy, her desire are all questioned and explored.

[clarity2electricboogaloo]

The outsiders as things my friends & family (and me) have said/done:

Soda accidentally adding a shit ton of salt to rice while he’s cooking

———

*a mosquito flying around in the kitchen*

Soda: thats my best friend, his name is Leroy

Darry: well I’m gonna fucking kill Leroy

———

Pony: what’s exercise

Cherry: exorcism!

Pony: yayy!

———

Johnny: is humans edible

Pony: yes. Anything is edible—

Dallas: no. Well only the British.

Pony: ……..anything is edible if you try hard enough

———

Pony sticking a sticker from an apple onto Darry’s back and him barely noticing it like 8 hours later

———

Dallas: fuck off

Two bit: fuck you!

Johnny: you’re gonna fuck him???

———

Soda: why you changing with the door OPENNN??

Pony: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE IT—

Soda: GOBLINNN

———

Younger soda: *spits out tooth*

Younger pony: wHAT 😨😨

Younger soda: BAHAHHAAH

Younger pony: *starts laughing so hard he starts coughing*

Younger soda: I TOLD YOU SWISHING WATER HELPS ME GET A TOOTH OUT

———

Darry: mY LORD IM GONNA KILL SANTA

—

Darry: I HOPE SANTA KILLS YOU TOO

———

Cherry: All I’ve ever wanted-

Marcia: All I want for Christmas is you

Cherry: …

Cherry: All I’ve ever wanted is some big shorts-

Bev: All I want is love that lasts

Cherry: -like down to here *gestures to knees*

———

Two bit: who you talking to?!

Pony: discord-

Two bit: FRESHAVOCADO

———

Johnny: guys I don’t like Taylor swift

Cherry: and Taylor swift doesn’t like you

———

Darry: I threatened to throw my little brother over the border today which was fun

(I hc the Curtis brothers as Mexican)

———

Dally: hah short

Pony: I will bite ur ankles and steal your kneecaps

———

*two bit pointing out sign that says “topping is harmful to trees*

Dallas: good thing I’m a bottom!

———

Darry: both of u left me w a kid on my own

The Curtis parents: mb gang 😔😔

(Ignore the fact there’s two kids)

———

Soda in June: I forgot I got you this

Pony, who is not out to anyone yet: lol what?

Soda: it’s a rainbow ikea bag :DD

———

Johnny right, pony left

———

Darry: why the hell is everything in spanish?

Pony: ¿tú no hablas español?

Darry: shut your damn mouth

(Mexican Curtis bros are real guys trust)

———

*pony going to take a shower*

Pony: no ones in here right?

Darry: ahh, just George

Pony: George Washington?

Darry: yeah, his ghost

———

*darry burns himself*

Darry: MOTHER FUCK- OW

Soda: did you call me?

———

Pony right, two bit left

———

Soda right, pony left

———

Pony screenshotting all the gay translations in his Duolingo lessons

That’s all. These take a while to store up jeez

[whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx]

- Vox is literally the only one who’s at all productive. Alastor could be if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to (usually. Sometimes he does like to help Rosie out), and Valentino can’t read.

- Sometimes Zestial gets sent out/goes of his own accord to help them. This doesn’t really make them more effective as a) Alastor and Vox are still fighting and he has no intention of getting between them, b) he really can’t read the instructions. They’re all written in modern shorthand that basically reads like hieroglyphics to him (really, he can read those better) and c) Valentino still can’t read.

“Okay, pass me parts 3A and 3C.”

*frustrated grumbling* “Why does each piece have subsections sorted in its own cypher? Why not simply number them and be done with it?”

“I don’t know, okay? Just pass me them.”

“I know not which thou means. Thou has the key to our troubles in thy hands.”

“UGH. Okay, Val, toss me that big tool you have there.”

“Well, if you insist~”

“Eugh. Do us all a favor and keep in your pants.”

“I’ll keep it in your pants.”

“Was that flirtatious or an insult? Either way it fell flat, but I’d like to know the difference.”

“You little-“

- Rosie and Carmilla have learned the difference between the various noises of chaos and can easily tell which should be considered alarming. The younger overlords (Zeezi and Velvette) have not and it still freaks them out.

*distant crashing*

“Holy shit, what was that?”

“Relax, honey, they’re fine. They just dropped the box.”

*shrieking*

“Uh, are you sure-“

“He’s fine. He’s always yelling about something. You only have to worry if he goes quiet.”

“Well, when you put it that way, you make him sound like a toddler.”

“Good.”

*shouted curses*

“Oye! We JUST talked about this! NO VIOLENCE ON MY WHITE RUGS.”

*brief silence, cut off by horrible, guttural screaming*

“…darling, did you just drop that screw you’ve been looking for for the past half hour?”

Very important headcanon that Charks and I have decided we need to share:

There is IKEA in Hell. All furniture (aside from custom-made stuff) in Hell comes from IKEA. And whenever Vox, Valentino, or Alastor act up during meetings, Rosie puts them in assembly time-out.

[comatosebunny09]

Can you imagine this big, rich dude coming into your home for the first time and judging the fuck out of it?

Like, he doesn’t verbally hint at how out-of-sorts he feels, nestled between all your weird little trinkets and dust and cheap IKEA furniture—even your bedsheets make his mouth tick a little. But you know. You just know.

You shouldn’t be surprised when, the next evening after coming home from work, people from a moving company are walking things inside your apartment. Things you’ve never seen before. You’re wondering, ‘How the fuck did they get in here? And what the hell is all this?’

When you dart inside to investigate, dropping your pack by the door, you see all this posh furniture and luxurious textiles in place of your things, and you immediately know who’s responsible.

Cue an argument with your boyfriend about how, yes, the gesture is nice, but those were your things, and if he doesn’t put everything back by the end of the night, he’s getting the nastiest silent treatment for the rest of his life.

[mediumgayitalian]

drabble challenge #90?

90. "I'm not buying Ikea furniture again."

"I'm not buying Ikea furniture again," Nico grits out, whipping an Allen wrench against the wall. "Piece of shit, useless motherfucking piece of --"

"Dramatic," Will teases, poking his head through the door. He scoops the tool off the ground and pads over, still in his scrubs, brushing Nico's hair back and kissing his forehead. "Is the great Nico di Angelo, Slayer of Monsters, Transporter of the Pantheon, Prince of Hell, King of Ghosts, defeated by the lowly --" he checks the package, "uh, vihals?"

"Yes," Nico says darkly. He glares at a piece of plywood, admittedly softer than before. Will's hands card through his hair, still, and he exhales. "Been pissing me off all day."

Will kisses him again. "Well, I'm here now."

Nico smiles, because it is impossible not to, and he smells like doctor's office and hand sanitizer but lavender, under that, and sunshine.

"Yes," says Nico, softly. "You are."

[diorsluv]

casual , part 3

“ i’ve heard so many rumors ”

series m. list previous chapter next chapter

( socialmedia!au )

yourusername

liked by mackie.samo, jackhughes, and 259,226 others

yourusername post workout glow 🙈

view all comments

vivianliu mommy

→ yourusername whaaaaaat ⁉️⁉️⁉️

→ _quinnhughes …

→ rutgermcgroarty 📸📸

→ edwards.73 wtf

→ jackhughes no absolutely not

→ luca.fantilli HUH

→ dylanduke25 WHAT

→ vivianliu stop acting like i’ve never said ts before 🙄

edwards.73 you’re really fucking hot

liked by yourusername

→ lhughes_06 FUCK NO

→ jackhughes STEP THE FUCK BACK

→ _quinnhughes hey man what the FUCK

→ vivianliu GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY GIRL

username14 ETHANS COMMENT?????!?!?!?!?!?!

markestapa pretty girl 🫣

→ yourusername that’s so unnatural stop

→ markestapa just doing what the homies do

→ lhughes_06 did the lack of my presence fuck with your heads because i explicitly told everyone to NOT mess w my sister.

→ markestapa suck it up lil bro

mackie.samo GODDAMN

→ yourusername LMFAOOOO

→ jackhughes back the hell up dude

→ _quinnhughes this is a literal fever dream

username54 rumors aint rumors anymore

username38 ethan’s practically screaming their relationship status to the world rn

colecaufield i’m not a part of this in any way but you genuinely look really good rosie

→ yourusername awwww thank you ☺️

→ jackhughes if you ever fucked around with my sister i would punch you in the face

→ colecaufield I HAVENT AND I WONT I SWEAR

→ jackhughes YEAH U BETTER NOT CUZ IM READY 🤺

sidneycrosby_87_ looking great kiddo!

→ yourusername oh my god sidney crosby.

→ lhughes_06 OH MY GOD SIDNEY CROSBY???

→ jackhughes this isn’t fair

→ vivianliu HI SIDNEY

rutgermcgroarty 🥴

→ yourusername 🤭

→ lhughes_06 i can’t tell if you’re flirting because you’re best friends or if you’re flirting to fuck

→ rutgermcgroarty whaaaaa i would never do such a thing and you know that luke (my door is open yourusername)

→ yourusername we’re flirting AS A JOKE because you’re gone now and you can’t dictate shit anymore 🙄 lhughes_06

username45 LMFAO did ethan ask everyone to say shit to cover his comment

mackie.samo i see you’re working out without me now 🤨

→ yourusername YOU LEFT ME. what was i supposed to do 😔😔

→ mackie.samo YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON

→ yourusername IM HAPPIER NOW 🤬

→ markestapa what is this 😟

adamfantilli woha

→ adamfantilli owah

→ adamfantilli woah

→ yourusername are you malfunctioning

→ adamfantilli yes (i was told to)

jackhughes did you redecorate your room??

→ yourusername yes my man helped me redecorate 🥰

→ jackhughes YOUR MAN????

→ lhughes_06 WHO THE HELL

→ yourusername guys it was a joke..

→ lhughes_06 your life is a joke

→ yourusername ?!???!????!

_quinnhughes i know who it is.

→ yourusername no u dont

→ lhughes_06 TELL ME

→ jackhughes WHO IS IT

→ trevorzegras congrats to the only hughes brother with a brain 🥳

→ jackhughes HEY

→ lhughes_06 NOT COOL TREVOR

→ rutgermcgroarty the fact that it took you this long is concerning

→ markestapa okay she ACTUALLY told you rutgermcgroarty

→ dylanduke25 fr the rest of us had to find out DIFFERENTLY

→ edwards.73 you guys are kinda slow

username55 i know someones gonna come back for this post tn…

→ username97 LMFAOOO

→ username21 STOP DONT EXPOSE HIM LIKE THAT

username38 UR SO PRETTY

username30 GIRLLLL give us the workout routine please 😞🙏

username88 body goals hello????

trevorzegras ur bed was not in that corner last time i was there

→ yourusername i redecorated we already said so 🙄

→ jackhughes since when were you in my sister’s apartment??

→ trevorzegras i was in town for a game

→ jackhughes but detroit is 45 mins away????

→ trevorzegras WE WERE THERE FOR THREE DAYS

→ yourusername jack he was helping me set up my ikea dresser 😭😭

→ vivianliu i know someone’s absolutely LIVID

dylanduke25 WOW SO PRETTY

→ yourusername THANK U DUKER

→ dylanduke25 YOU’RE WELCOME

username96 help i audibly screamed when i saw this post

yourusername

liked by markestapa, _alexturcotte, and 153,256 others

yourusername some of the guys invaded girls night at 12 in the morning and then literally kicked us out of my own room ⁉️⁉️

tagged: vivianliu, markestapa, g.brindley4, rutgermcgroarty, dylanduke25, luca.fantilli

view all comments

edwards.73 why was i not invited

→ yourusername u didn’t come idk i thought u were busy like always

→ edwards.73 but you know i would never be too busy for you

→ yourusername lmao doesnt really seem like it tho

vivianliu and they burnt our fucking cookies

→ yourusername FR almost burnt the apartment down 🙄

→ dylanduke25 THAT WASN’T EVEN US

→ vivianliu U KNOW DAMN WELL THAT WAS U AND RUT

→ rutgermcgroarty WHY ARE U BLAMING ME???

g.brindley4 oh my god i’m on the main

→ yourusername YOU’RE ON THE MAIN ‼️

username38 mark wearing sunglasses in a dark ass room 😭

dylanduke25 rut’s ass was in my face and i swear he fucking ripped ass like three times

→ yourusername HELLO WHAT??? I DONT REMEMBER THIS

→ rutgermcgroarty I LITERALLY DIDNT THO??

→ luca.fantilli i could smell that shit from the other room

→ g.brindley4 the absolute STENCH

username32 luca could not have been comfortable sleeping in that position 😭

→ username80 men are weird

username67 AHHH PINK COOKIES

luca.fantilli cuddling with the homies 🥴🥴

→ yourusername oh my god

→ markestapa 😘

→ dylanduke25 im blushing ☺️☺️

→ g.brindley4 best couple!

→ rutgermcgroarty 😝

→ vivianliu you’re all so weird

trevorzegras marky lookin kinda cute tn 🫣

→ yourusername STOP

→ markestapa yes i’ll go out with you!

mackie.samo um. i facetimed him and hes kicking, screaming and crying?!?!?

→ yourusername oops

→ mackie.samo yeah what a big fucking oops 🙄

→ vivianliu HES THE TOXIC ONE

username77 getting kicked out of your own room is crazy

username48 ethan’s definitely punching the air rn

_alexturcotte what happened to the boyfriend

→ yourusername technically he’s not my boyfriend cuz he doesn’t like labels!

→ colecaufield 😭😭

→ yourusername HIS WORDS NOT MINE

→ trevorzegras imagine what’ll happen when your brothers find out 😂

→ yourusername 1. for the love of god stop using that emoji and 2. they wont find out!

→ _quinnhughes i found out

→ yourusername besides you 😒😒

username79 ethan’s definitely regretting not putting a label on them

username92 do luke and jack never check the comments 😭😭

→ vivianliu they did but rosie gaslighted them into believing it’s not ethan and they barely pay attention to what the others say anyways

→ username60 LMAOOO

lhughes_06 WE NEVER HAD SLEEPOVERS WHEN I WAS THERE WHAT??

→ yourusername i’m the better sibling

→ vivianliu correct

→ rutgermcgroarty correct

→ edwards.73 correct

→ colecaufield correct

→ adamfantilli correct

→ trevorzegras correct

→ _alexturcotte correct

→ markestapa correct

→ luca.fantilli correct

→ mackie.samo correct

→ dylanduke25 correct

→ _quinnhughes not correct????

→ jackhughes INCORRECT TF

edwards.73 I CAN’T GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME

→ yourusername IM SORRY I GEN THOUGHT U WERE JUST BUSY AGAIN

→ markestapa there’s no way you’re still on this

→ edwards.73 inv me next time 😔

next chapter notes ) happy april fools dayyy!! hope yall got some good pranks in 😈😈 and guys HE DOESN’T DO LABELS 😓

tags: @dancerbailey3 @hughesfein @loveforaugust @alwaysclassyeagle @love4ldr @inhoodmood

[agent-birdnoises]

🤔 There's way too many beds (and we only use one) - author's choice for pairing :)

“Loki, this is ridiculous!”

“It is not.”

“Sure is, buddy.”

“More ridiculous than breaking into a furniture store late at night and sleeping in one of the beds?”

“That's just it, Lokes: one bed! Tell me again why you think we have to share?”

Mobius rubs his temples and looks at Loki with arched brows, eagerly waiting for a response that is not completely absurd.

Then again, the whole situation is downright silly.

At least when Mobius headed out for this absolutely unspectacular mission on the timeline earlier, naturally with Loki in tow, he could have never predicted where he would end up a few hours later. They were just supposed to check out a couple of temporal anomalies and that was about it.

However, then the TVA's entire system had to crash down for some reason and they both found themselves stranded in some rural area of Germany in the late 2000's. Thankfully communications still worked and Mobius was told by headquarters that they should lay low for a while and wait for the software to reboot.

And since Mobius had no intention of staying outside late at night (because of course it was late at night on the timeline) he quickly began to search for some accommodations and discovered them in the shape of an IKEA furniture store down the road. Somewhere warm to sleep and maybe grab a few snacks along the way – perfect!

So Loki used his special talents to pick the locks without any alarm going off and Mobius immediately headed for the bed section, feeling utterly exhausted after having to deal with way more excitement than he had prepared himself for.

And now here they are, in one of the beds.

Yes, ONE, because Loki decided, without consulting Mobius first, that he would slip under the covers right beside the agent and completely ignore all the other two million beds around them filling the entire showroom.

“Don't be difficult, Mobius,” Loki says, rolling his eyes as though the analyst is the one who is acting crazy here. “This is only tactical.”

He shifts a bit closer, making their arms brush for a second, and Mobius is fairly sure he will lose his mind rather sooner than later.

“How exactly is this tactical?” Mobius wonders with a weary sigh.

“A night guard might show up any second now,” Loki reasons. “Of course I would be able to hide us with my magic, but I need to be close to you for that.”

Mobius knows that this is bullshit because he's seen Loki using his seidr on people without requiring actual physical contact more times than he can count. Hell, he's witnessed the god pulling down his brother's pants in a crowded room while being on the other side of the hall, an innocent look on his face as he was standing tall and proud next to Odin, playing the dutiful and obedient son.

Loki could easily hide Mobius by sleeping at least thirty beds away.

But Mobius doesn't point that out. Instead he says, “This is an IKEA, Lokes. There are no night guards here.”

Loki purses his lips. “Are you sure about that?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.”

Loki scoffs. “Pretty sure is not good enough for me.”

And before Mobius even has a chance to say anything else, Loki has fallen down into the surprisingly fluffy pillows and has pulled the agent along with him. Mobius only has a chance to blink in confusion and then all of a sudden he's got a god plastered all over his back.

A god who is astonishingly warm, despite being a Frost Giant.

Mobius grumbles underneath his breath, but he is also too tired to argue and this actually does feel kinda nice, come to think of it. So in the end he just curses Loki quietly and lets his eyelids drop closed.

He falls asleep in a matter of seconds, feeling safe and content.