#yes others did upset me and in my opinion act badly no i dont think its a long term issue and yes i will be taking distance from that happe

[notorioushiphopcrew]

also i sent an email i kind of regretted. but also feeling that a large part of that was formed by the very intense emotional state i was in where i was experiencing crazy anxiety and doubts and shame about the way i acted and i felt like everything i wrote in that email was so terrible and also i felt so emotional and so ashamed of it and so sure everyone who knew it woild judge me and know how irrational i am and i could tell logically it probably wouldnt be a big deal but couldnt feel it and like. i feel a bit awkward now but ive fully calmed down and honestly? it was kind of fine actually. its just been a while since ive been UP THERE in that kind of state and i guess it kind of does give you perspective on how your emotional state really affects you so deeply and your perception of things. and like yeah i might retract a few things or be like "eh not mt best move" on some things but realising overall it doesnt matter and i can FEEL that. it is really crazy how many problems exist in your head and you can understand logically its not rational but you just have to bear it for a bit

[team-cap-for-the-win]

Hi so i wanted to say few things just to get it out of my system.(im new to tumblr dont kno how this works whtvr)

i hate it when people put steve in this bubble of perfection. And i dont mean people who make heart eyes and claim steve is the perfect human being. The people whom im talking about is the ones who demand and expect steve to be that way, when he clearly never claimed he is perfect. When i put myself in steve's shoes, i realize how goddamn frustrating it'd be. People would be waiting for him to make a mistake so that they can prove he is this horrible human being(or at least a flawed person, which is such a high standard) people are allowed to have flaws and make mistakes bc it's in human nature and in steve's case i never see people realize it's like he has to be perfect bc hey he's captain america. I feel this way strongly specially in avengers 2012 when tony says steve is gonna do smt wrong and it's gonna blow up in his face AND he's gonna be there when it happens. Like tony WANTS steve to make a mistake so that he can watch and enjoy it(why? Bc of his unsolved daddy issues). It applies to the fandom too. Tony attacks bucky but hey, it's justified bc, tony creates ultron BUT!!! it!s again justified bc reasons(traumatized, ptsd,cares about his friends etc.). Wanda did such and such and such but it's ok to make mistakes. Tony shot sam but his friend was injured. Especially when you point these to t*ny st*rk stans theyr like: can't you just accept that some characters can be flawed make mistakes and move on!!!

But when it comes to steve and what happened in siberia people r like:HoW dARe STEvE MAke a miStAKe ??!! HE iS a HyPOcriTe, a tWo FaCEd BaSTard! HE DESERVES DEATHHHHH!

thank u for coming to my ted talk jkskdjdj i always wanted to say that.

HELLO THERE!! YES, I ABSOLUTELY AGREE!

First of all, welcome to tumblr! It's nice to see new Steve fans coming in :D I think you're gonna get the hang of it soon!

And yeah, I've made and reblogged many posts about this topic in the past. For some reason, people put Steve on a really high pedestal and he's not allowed to make mistakes because he's either a) perfect, and that means a mary sue, or b) the devil incarnate that is the root of all issues and the MCU. You can't have it both ways, guys.

The thing that upsets me the most is that yes, Steve made a mistake in Civil War by not telling Tony, but he not only regrets it, he also tries to own up to it, and apologises to Tony, which is something Tony has never done ever. And even then, people dunk on his apology letter for being badly written or not considerate or something.

It's just this incredibly high standard that he has to constantly live up to, and the moment he steps out of line, the fandom is ready to crucify him. It is very, very annoying. Thankfully, this side of the fandom has died out a lot, I think it experienced a high when Civil War came out. And then again with Endgame, and that hate is still around, but what can we do? Make good posts about Steve, since that's all we have left...

On that topic! In my opinion, it would be interesting to me if we were to translate this trend into the MCU (in fanfiction form, of course! Don't know if you read that sort of thing, but bear with me). That means: what if the people in the MCU act and treat Steve like the stans do? How many of them view him as perfect Captain America without looking at Steve Rogers? And how long can he go on like that, trying to live up to that title, and not fail or disappoint anyone? Steve is a character that has very often had a dichotomy between himself and his superhero persona, as can be seen in the comics. There were times he gave up the mantle, even going as far as claiming that: "It is time for Captain America to die, so that Steve Rogers can live."

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I would love to see more stories explore just how much pressure is put on him, and how he still endures it and doesn't give up. Additionally, we could have other characters realise what's going on, notice how hard he's pushing himself, talk about it, and support him when they find out just how unhappy he is, how out of sync he is with, well, being Steve.

If there was one thing missing in the MCU, it was more stress put on the distinction between Steve and Cap. I would have loved to see more of that, in canon or otherwise.

Anyway. I've been rambling for a while now and I hope you liked my idea, because in my opinion taking this bad faith reading and turning into something nice and thoughtful is the best way to combat these sorts of opinions ;)

Once again, welcome to tumblr, thanks for stopping by, and I hope you enjoy your stay here :D

(PS: you can check out the #pro steve rogers for more positivity!)

[amateur-author597]

SERIOUS RISE OF THE TITANS SPOILERS

BUT I NEED TO RANT

SPOILERS ARE UNDER THE CUT I PROMISE

I STARTED ROTT TEN MINUTES AFTER IT CAME OUT AT 5:01 PM AEST AND FINISHED ROTT AT ROUGHLY 10 TO 7

I FINISHED THE MOVIE AND SAW 8 SPOILER POSTS WITHIN 2 MINUTES ON TUMBLR

PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS AND PUT ALL SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT FOR YOUR POSTS AND TAG THEM PROPERLY

FIRST OFF

Everyone who said Blinky would die because of"and blinky" in the trailer

Fuck you

It was very fair but still I was so scared

Same to if those who said Archie died because he wasn't in the trailer

Again fair but I was terrified and anxious as hell

My heart could not have handled if he died or Douxie's grief but I'm still upset about what actually happened

And I wish Zoe showed up so they could give her some characterization

We find out she's known Douxie and been friends with him for over 900 years but she doesn't help with the Arcane Order?

And none of the hedge witches show up to help fight them to defend their home?!?!?!

SECOND!!! THE TRAIN SCENE!!!

YES

LOVED IT

GREAT

Jim you stupid string bean, I love you though

Claire, good job, that was some hard magic

Toby, go duke!

Douxie my husband, YAAASS QUEEN, GET IT BABY

The Police Station

It was so funny

Everything about it I loved

Douxari confusing the officers and being neutrally chaotic

Claire trying to be tough and silent

Toby spilling ALL the tea and the officers not believing him

Archie just being Archie and enjoying the confusion of the humans

KREL SHOWING UP WITH RICKY AND LUCY

YES

OMFG

Keep casually listing just about every spy agency in order

and then just

"And your mum"

What a legend

Literal King 👑

Honestly

Walter and Barbara

Them being engaged and happy

Y E S

Jim being best man

Y E S

Walter DYING before they could get married

N O

H E L L N O

ELI GREW UP!!!!!

MPREG STEVE

Very unpopular opinion

I loved it, so fucking funny

I don't even like mpreg normally

But I loved it as a random side plot cause they probably couldn't find an import part for every character and still give them their deserved screen time

Also, funny!

Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja

You know how we as a fandom have all decided Krel is Aro/Ace icon or at least Aro spec and/or grey ace (something like that) I have no problem with this and love it, it makes me feel very validated, but what Krel just doesn't want kids and decided it's easier to not have romantic relationships, that's also a legitimate thing a lot of woman do

Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?

BACK TO STEVE

I wish there was a bit where Steve called Lawrence on the phone calling him "dad" or "coach dad" and being like "Hey, I know you're probably busy, you're at school but I'm seriously freaking out and I need your help or advice" and explaining the whole Akiridion pregnancy and Coach just reassuring him gently and telling him that he and Steve's mum would support him and he wasn't alone and they weren't mad at him.

Douxie figuring out the sigil

Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud

You very smart

The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled

😬

That's all

Numora dying

Why! It's was so unnecessary!

I don't necessarily love her by any means

But still!

Dndndbebhsvehehrdidjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbudhnm

*key spams in frustration*

This began much irritation that just increased

THE BRIDGE

ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)

YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT

BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE

CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT

THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME

OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS

EITHER WAY

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT

WTF HAPPENED THE WHOLE FOUND FAMILY THING THEH WERE PUSHING IN WIZARDS

WHY PUSH A GRIEVING DOUXIE TO ESSENTIALLY GET OVER IT AND ACCEPT ARCHIE AS HIS FAMILY CUZ HE WAS ALWAYS THERE JUST TO GET RID OF ARCHIE ANYWAY

DOUXIE WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM AGAIN

HE WOULD HAVE JUST SEEN "TELL DOUXIE I SAID GOODBYE" IN THE KRONOSPHERE AS HIS LAST MEMORY OF HIM

*INCREASING FRUSTRATION*

"No More Running"DOUXIE ALMOST DIED BRINGING NARI BACK

I KNEW HE WOULDNT DIE BUT I WAS STILL SCARED

I was sad

NARI AND SKRAEL'S BATTLE WAS PERFECT

CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE I WAS NOT PLEASED WITH NARI DYING

NOR DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK ONCE AGAIN FROM SAVING A LOVED ONE

"Nor more running"

Simple line

Sweet

Shattered me and my very being THE SWITCHING SPELL

AMAZING.YES.ILOVEDIT.

DOUXIE YOU SMART BRILLIANT BOY I AM SO FUCKING PROUD

Douxari was so chaotic and funny and pure in a very weird way

I was sad that THAT screenshot of Douxie and Archie wasn't actually Archie because he looked so happy chddling his familiar but it was still cute

Narxie was so fucking sarcastic when the Arcane Order realized the spell didn't work and I live for it

Walter and Barbara

Them being engaged and happy

Y E S

Jim being best man

Y E S

Walter DYING before they could get married

N O

H E L L N O

ELI GREW UP!!!!!

MPREG STEVE

I loved it, so fucking funny

Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja

You know how we as a fandom have all decided Krel is Aro/Ace icon or at least Aro spec and/or grey ace (something like that) I have no problem with this and love it, it makes me feel very validated, but what Krel just doesn't want kids and decided it's easier to not have romantic relationships, that's also a legitimate thing a lot of woman do

Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?

BACK TO STEVE

I wish there was a bit where Steve called Lawrence on the phone calling him "dad" or "coach dad" and being like "Hey, I know you're probably busy, you're at school but I'm seriously freaking out and I need your help or advice" and explaining the whole Akiridion pregnancy and Coach just reassuring him gently and telling him that he and Steve's mum would support him and he wasn't alone and they weren't mad at him.

Douxie figuring out the sigil

Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud

You very smart

The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled

😬

That's all

Numora dying

Why! It's was so unnecessary!

Dndndbebhsve hehr didjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbud

*key spams in frustration*

THE BRIDGE

ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)

YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT

BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE

CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT

THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME

OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS

EITHER WAY

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT

Titan Nari

I was so scared when Douxie nearly passes out from lack of oxygen trying to save her

Claire did a great job and I like her but I feel like they're overpowering her without developing her

Nari and Skrael's battle was a cinematic masterpiece

Coach Lawrence seriously needs a break

NARI DYING WAS UNACCEPTABLE

DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK FROM HELPING HER WAS UNACCEPTABLE

"No more running" destroyed me

I AM STILL NOT OK

I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE

The 9th configuration

FOUND. FAMILY. CENTRAL.

I'M THE CHOSEN ONE BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE

YES

The Final Battle

I don't even know what to say

Aja. QUEEN.

RIP Varvatos

Rip Douxie that fall would have really fucking hurt

He definitely had broken ribs from that

I'm surprised he could walk after even while being supported against someone else to stand

Jim should have just stabbed Bellroc instead of talking

Jim should not have been able to walk and run perfectly fine after being stabbed even with all the adrenaline

Toby WTF MAN

GOOD JOB BUT FUCKING HELL

I LEGIT CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW IT HAPPENED

THE MOVIE CAME OUT 4 DAYS AGO (IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE THE RANT DONT JUDGE) AND I'VE WATCHED IT 5 TIMES AND I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED IT EACH TIME

HOW DID TOBY CRASH?!?!

ANYWAY

TOBY DYING WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE

JIM SCREAMING OUT HIS NAME AS SOON AS HE REALIZED TOBY WASNT THERE

BLINKY AND ARGH LOOK OF PANIC AND WORRY CUZ THEY REALIZED TOBY DIDNT COME BACK WITH JIM

DOUXIE REALIZING HE FAILED TO PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE IMPORTANT TO HIM (EVEN IF HE DOESNT HAVE MUCH OF AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP WITH TOBY, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE DIDN'T ADOPT THEM ALL AS HIS YOUNGER SIBLINGS)

"Always was, always will be" hurt my entire soul

The Time stone

This frustrated me so much it took me 3 days to write just this bit

Go back in time and save everyone?

Yes! Awesome!

Go back to the start the start

No

Also, I love and adore Toby

BUT IT MAKES NO SENSE

JIM GIVING THE AMULET AND RESPONSIBILITIES AWAY WHEN HE HAS 2 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AND KNOWS ALL OF HIS MISTAKES AND HOW TO FIX THEM

WTF

AS I SAID I LOVE TOBY AND I LIKE HIM ACHIEVING STUFF

BUT HES NOT TREATED AS BADLY AS THE FANDOM ACTS LIKE HE IS

AND LOGICALLY JIM MADE A STUPID DECISION CONSIDERING WHAT HE KNOWS

I get that he was tired of being the trollhunter

Largely because he was tired of not thinking he would do a good enough job

But odds are Toby will make some of the same mistakes and they'll be right back in that same position except maybe Claire will die that time around

And if you're sick of the trauma and responsibility of it than why would you dump it on your best friend

Once again I say, it was an illogical and dumb decision

I WILL BE RUNNING TO FANFICTIONS TO ESCAPE THIS CANON

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello, Autism nonny here with a very negative update :/…

So, after sending the message, I didn’t get a reply until yesterday. She said “Are you serious?? You don’t seem autistic.” I then explained to her that everyone on the spectrum is different and Autism doesn’t have a specific “look”, even though many people believe it does. I won’t go into detail but we had a very long conversation, she was really annoying me and it didn’t even seem like she was trying to understand at all, when I’d put so much effort into writing the message (it took me days). I got angry and she got angry and it turned into an argument (all via text). I said something along the lines of “why can’t you see how hard this is for me” (although in a more heated way) and she replied with “Not my fault you’re a (r-slur).”.....yeah.

Since then, she’s messaged me and apologised multiple times and told me it was something she said in the heat of the moment, when she was angry, she didn’t mean it at all. I want to believe her but, honestly, that doesn’t seem like something you’d say in the “heat of the moment”. And I have a nasty feeling that, in that period of time before she apologised, she said something untrue to my other friends or twisted the words of my first message and made me seem like a freak. (This is one of the disadvantages of everything being online).

I seriously worked myself up about it last night and cried for hours haha (I’m sensitive, okay?) and now I really dunno what to do. I don’t have to see her (or any of my other classmates) in person for at least a month, maybe longer, but I’m really worried. I’m honestly not sure whether i want to forgive her because, even though I dont believe she’d deliberately be ableist or anything, I really don’t trust her anymore. This is basically a repeat of what happened last time and it’s all a huge fucking mess. And, sad as this is, I don’t have many other friends, so now I don’t know where I stand with them. Now I have to go to online school and pretend nothing happened which is gonna be fun...not. I really can’t deal with this on top of everything else I’ve been dealing with and I’m very stressed.... joy.

Right, sorry for ranting again, and sorry to not be able to say anything positive...

Nonny xxx

(referencing this thread)

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Oh goodness, I am so so sorry that everything went tits up. Unfortunately, this is something I don’t think I should say “you must / mustn’t” other than, do what you feel in your heart is right. 

For me personally, your friend crossed a line and broke your trust when she used re*d as a slur against you, especially after you pouring your heart out, taking time out to explain yourself, only to then turn around and act first like Not-Your-Friend as an initial response after DAYS of having the information, and THEN acting like her outburst was no big deal? I’m sorry, but that’s a dick move, and you have every right to be upset and angry. Google exists, she has no excuse for NOT learning about autism and what NOT to do when a friend tells her something deeply personal.

In my humble opinion, she showed her true colours here. She’s supposed to be your closest friend and she calls you a slur in a fit of rage? Fuck off with that nonsense.

BUT.

I’m not in the habit of breaking up friendships, and I also react rather badly to someone hurting me, and I MAY have just been overly defensive here. And while I don’t think it’s your job to educate her (again, Google exists), perhaps say “look, what you said hurt me, and broke my trust in you. I’m willing to remain friends but please know that it will take me some time to not feel like you’re always judging me. In the meantime, I politely request you read [insert link to information about your type of autism here] and understand why it hurts me what you did. We’re supposed to be friends, and if I can’t trust you to even accept me, I don’t see how this can ever be resolved.”

Okay, maybe not EXACTLY like that, because it’s still kinda passive aggressive, but you get the picture: let her know you are hurt, feel betrayed and unworthy of her friendship, and offer some education for her. It leaves the ball in her court on whether she wants to be the one to break up the friendship or not.

Which again, will reveal her true colours, and a person like that isn’t worth having in your life. Yes, we are all flawed individuals, and are ALL ignorant of things until we learn more about something, and that’s just being human. What makes one a good human is if one is open to listening and being empathetic to others. That’s important, I think.

I’m so sorry sorry Nonny. I know my word is pointless, but let me say here: You are fine just as you are. I’m sorry you have to go through this... having a crumbling friendship is a terrible thing to go through. Big hugs to you, and I hope for the best for you and that it all turns around <3

Love you Nonny <3

[tim-bradfords]

okay so, I really did not want to rant about this but i am seeing a lot of jonah hate and i just want to express my opinions.

in the beginning of the episode, right after the kiss she tells jonah that she kissed him because she “wanted to”, jonah of course was like “i can’t even” “i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with that” and that to me was also extremely painful. she didn’t let jonah process, she kept going after him but suddenly when he was ready, it was like “i’m going through alot” and yes I’m aware he kissed back. It was wrong of him and he made the decision to do it but again. Look at it from his perspective.

okay amy, what about him? he is in love with you, has been for two years. he may not have intentionally waited but he did. he cared for her since the day he met her when he put those stars in the ceiling, he was there for her from day one and he comforted her, made her laugh, he wanted to be her friend above all else. after she kissed him during the tornado, he did not let her feel bad at all because he knew she was going through alot. Jonah knows what she goes through so for her to say “I dont know if you noticed but i’m going through some things” like...

She dusted him off during the tornado and told him her marriage was over, and he loved her regardless, not that he had any choice, he did try to move on because he thought she would never want him. it was never even a thought in his mind. and in amnesty, she said she had a crush on him before but never said a damn thing which i get because of kelly. i get it.

jonah did treat kelly badly, but he was clueless, in love and in denial and it didnt help that he never felt that amy would ever feel the same and that he lost his chance because amy said she “used to have a crush on jonah” so him being angry and overwhelmed was completely warranted and necessary because he bottled up so much of his pain because he internalizes everything. he’s a people pleaser and he internalizes his emotions and it doesn’t help that people at work treat him like he shouldn’t be heard. yes, kelly did not deserve any of that but he couldve gone on longer. it was good of him to spare her and leave her before it got worse. jonah is NOT perfect, but do not treat him like he is a monster. think about it from his side. being in love for two years, feeling like that person would never want you, trying to move on with your life and feeling perfectly fine having amy in his life if thats the only way he could have her.. as a friend. the pain must be overwhelming, having that same person kiss you, raise your hopes only to crush them by saying shes pregnant. and then dusting off his feelings. it killed me. 

also, this is not bashing amy because i know when youre overwhelmed and your problems are really bad you tend to compare yourself to others but for her to belittle his feelings and say he has no right to be upset about anything just made me so angry. you can’t kiss someone in a relationship and while pregnant and not let the other person process and then say you don’t want to talk once they do. When amy said “who asked you to wait?” well clearly amy, you wanted him to stay because you thought it would happen one day, but go off i guess.

also, I would like to say i’m tired of everyone pitying amy. she is not a charity case and i’m getting tired of people acting like that towards her. i still love her to death but she really was out of line in this episode but she is not someone to be pitied. she is a strong woman and deserves more out of life. that being said, i hope that this pregnancy doesnt go through and i do not think it will. i think its a unnecessary plot to get them both to fight and finally recognize their feelings. we will see. but no, i dont think that amy or jonah will leave in the finale. jonah couldnt leave amy even if he wanted to and amy needs the money. i feel like this fight was good and they needed to let out that anger and tension and hurt. despite the harsh words  and jonah’s line at the end, there was so much love in that conversation.

jonah saying he was pissed that he waited two years really hit me because they couldve been together by now.

anyways, this is long but  feel free to say your thoughts but i will not allow jonah simms slander or amy sosa slander even though she fucked up. they are humans going through hard times and i love superstore’s ability to talk about real issues and feelings. it was well needed and well acted out. 

[genngraymane]

America: Really THAT Bad? (spoilers btw)

BEFORE:

It’s been a while since I read anything Marvel in the last few years. I think I stopped reading around the time of Marvel Now! because I was too focused on DC’s New 52 at the time (plus I took a break from comics around that time shortly after). So aside from the few issues of Young Avengers I’ve read years ago, I know nothing about this character. Obviously, I’ve heard some polarizing things about this book, but I’m still pretty excited to see what the hubub’s all about. One thing I remember loving about Marvel was their teen heroes. Hopefully America rekindles the things I missed from Marvel.

AFTER:

Okay so I just finished the first 7 issues. Overall it wasn’t the horribly unbearable experience my buddies kept warning me about. No where near as offensively bad as they made it out to be. If anything my only gripe with the book is that it’s rather forgettable. With the exception of Kate, America’s supporting cast feel like they’re just background pieces with speech bubbles. Her girlfriend didn’t do anything aside from filling in a damsel in distress role. Her parents and Grandmother really only serve as plot-devices, and the rest the students of Sotomayor don’t really do anything except gush over America’s self-imposed greatness.

And it really is a shame, because Rivera introduces some really cool concepts like the interdimensional schooling of Sotomayor and the cosmic origins of Planeta Fuertona. There’s some really cool wacky Sci-Fi stuff in this book, and I’m pretty sure if that was the focus of the book then I would have enjoyed it a lot more. But unfortunately that’s not the case because the main focus of this book is also one of the things I can’t stand about it.

THE ROMANCE.

Oh my God is America an asshole to her girlfriend. If there is anything I can’t stand about romance, it’s needless drama. And holy shit, Rivera did not hold back from it. This is the first appearance of Lisa, one of America’s love interests.

I’m sorry, WHAT??? You’re not going to tell me jack about our MC’s love-interest and then break them off in just TWO PAGES? I’m generally used to teen drama bullshit like this from other teen hero books (I have Johns’ Teen Titans to thank for that), but this sequence here is just too much for me to ignore. We don’t know anything about Lisa aside from being America’s girlfriend, so that’s all she ends up being, and America just breaks things off and leaves before they even have a legitimate conversation? And America’s acting as if she’s in the right? This sets up every interaction we see between these two as needless melodrama. And that’s exactly what it becomes in later issues. There’s all but one scene of America showing remorse for dumping this chick, but then America acts like the victim again in a later issue with Storm.

Like, what is your damage, America? You’re the one who broke up with her and left in a fit but then you say shit like “SHE SENT ME AWAY” as if we’re supposed to sympathize with you throwing that necklace at her. And when Lisa finally shows up again, they act as if they spoke and came to terms, but this is the first and last time we ever see these two actually speaking to each other anyway, so what was the point?

America’s other love interest is an actual character this time around in the sense that she’s actually involved in the story, but when Magdalena is introduced, it’s almost as if Rivera forgot about the first love interest.

Either America has amnesia, or Lisa never gave America flowers, which probably puts America in the right for breaking up with her. I’d be pretty upset if my girlfriend never gave me flowers. What was the point of all this? Why didn’t Rivera just start with Magdalena as the badass action-girl love interest instead of having us deal with the damsel in distress bullshit from the non-character that was Lisa during the Chavez Guerrillas arc?

I think all of my gripes with the romance in here comes from a combination of two different things regarding this book. One is that nearly every character in this book has NOTHING going on with them. The other is that America is painfully unlikable in this.

I think the introduction of Sotomayor was pretty awesome. Rivera introduced us to a setting with a lot of potential for crazy, dimension hopping adventures while providing the framework of introducing new characters within a self contained story similar to that of Hero Academia or Avengers Academy. If America’s badly written relationships were at the background of the series while introducing a diverse, well-written cast that interacts almost exclusively with America through the school setting, then yes, I think this book would have won me over. But that’s not the case because nearly every student in Sotomayer doesn’t do anything meaningful to the story or help America progress as a character. How the hell do you have a character like freaking Prodigy on the sidelines with nothing insightful to say? They were on the same team before this! Even America’s parents, the main reason she became a hero, are constantly glossed over in this book until the reveal of her Grandmother. 

Speaking of this page here, why did Madrimar even wait to reveal herself to America until now? It’s not like anything was stopping her during all the time she spent at Sotomayor.

A lot of people I’ve talked to about this book says Rivera was trying too hard. In my opinion, she didn’t try hard enough. I know a bunch of people gave this writer shit for coming off as too preachy, but expressing positivity through diversity is a core part if America’s character and the reality we live in. The only problem I see with her writing regarding this is that it the way she portrays America makes it difficult. Rivera’s America just shouts out slogans and gets confrontational with anyone that challenges her way of thinking. America needs to be put in a situation where expressing her cultural and sexual identity isn’t accentuated through punching things while preaching about how awesome she is and getting constant validation from background characters (the prep-school cyborg fight is a jarring example). 

One of the only characters I actually liked in this book was Kate. She actually acts like she’s in the story. She talks to America about her problems, consoles her in times of need, and is generally a blast to have in this book.

With the exception of Magdalena, Kate is the only person in this book that America actually approaches like a civil human being. America doesn’t get all up in her face and throw snarky insults at her like she does with nearly everyone else. Kate is one of the only characters here that can actually get America to feel like a person instead of some impregnable brick wall. And Kate is actually involved in America’s story! She has presence! But the more I read about these two in here the more I notice Rivera was just queer-baiting them for no reason.

Like, we get Kate’s into her. But if Rivera had real control over this, why didn’t she just start things off with Kate as the friends with benefits into girlfriends angle? Why have us go through all the damsels in distress and generic femme fatale action girls in America’s life instead of a popular established character like Kate Bishop? They have a history together, so it wouldn’t be unbelievable at all. This book focuses so much on romance but never has its priorities straight on who these people are to America. It only seems to care who America is to them. And tbh I think that’s the core issue of Rivera’s America.

This is the first page of the book, and it got me super excited. I thought the approach Rivera was going to go was make America relevant not only as a hero but as a symbol. I thought this book would highlight the importance of expressing pride in diversity while expressing how America represents that pride and what that means to the people around her. I thought it would have been akin to All-Star Superman’s approach of finding the balance between the symbol and the person while struggling to understand what that might mean to the people of the world. But instead any concept of that constantly gets sidelined by the badly written melodrama bullshit all across this book. It just always stops me from getting into this.

Now if I’m not mistaken, this book is canceled at issue 12, so at some point I’ll go back and finish the last couple issues, but honestly I could see why this book got canceled. Rivera has some really cool concepts in this book, but falls short on the execution on multiple levels. Hopefully they bring America back with a new creative team because there is some cool stuff here and I don’t want it all to just disappear. Maybe even keep Rivera and give her a co-writer to help?

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

ah i almsot forgot: warning, the following has mainly snarky opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

and we’re back to our scheduled programming

time to be rendered unconscious against your will you lil shit

-

“i hardly think anyone could pass out from eating something like this”

clearly you dont know what world youre living in, Sadmad.

...also he... might be allergic, guys. ever thought of that? 

-

yes, EAT! EAT OR WE WILL HARASS YOU, POSSIBLY INNOCENT BYSTANDER!!! YOU THINK YOU HAVE RIGHTS???? CRAM THAT SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT BEFORE I DO!!!!

-

...uh;

-

FIVE IS NOT AN OCCUPATION!!! EAT ANOTHER BUN AS PUNISHMENT!!!! REGRESS FURTHER!!!! HFKJGU;SUUSRSO 

coping jokes aside holy shit 

don’t hurt this tiny boy!!!

-

i hope you all feel guilty for being such pricks.

look at him. he's curled up under his jacket like a traumatized baby 

at least this personality... sort of aligns with how DID is supposed to work? But now i just feel even worse. Someone get that kid a teddy and a juice-box, stat!

-

“Its clear that none of his personalities could be the killer!”

A) one of the three could still be lying

B) there’s four so far, what’s to discount a fifth? triggered by... i dunno, a reefer brownie.

C) I'm actually glad he's not the killer anyway just wanted to point out the possibilities youre discounting there

-

i love that theyre playing the goofy X people music for a traumatized five year old who witnessed a horrific murder of a loved one.

-

“I believe the person who laid the cards out is the very person who killed the victim” WELL.... DOY.

-

“How quickly you move onto a new theory when your old theory proves false!”

WELL.......... DOY

-

I love that theyre all just yelling and screaming about murder while the tiny child cowers behind the bench

hello??? anybody with compassion anywhere? maybe in the gallery? a bailiff? anybody???

-

“his emotions are spiralling out of control! something must have really frightening him”

maybe 

THE FUCKING MURDER????

athena youre a psychologist; dont you know anything about calming people down or at least putting them at ease? youre gonna put scars on this kid’s scars!

i mean at least Cody Hackins was fairly fearless and defiant about what happened to him and only really broke down once it dawned on him what he’d actually seen. Owen is clearly very, very upset.

-

i passed out *image promptly closes eyes*

-

“poor kid, he's absolutely terrified of something”

KDJFKLDGDGL

“whatever it is, it might be the root of his out of control emotions!”

DSHFA;SLGHOHSO GIRSHG’ 

-

“see, all we got out of this boy is a tale he dreamt up”

fuck off sadmad

-

(sigh) Owen’s on his side, Shisho’s laying down, just get to it already

-

“rotating your thinking about?”

“oh! you mean turning your thinking around!”

“yeah, whatever...”

(SNERK)

-

“like the forehead, perhaps”

is that... just a random location or is it actually going to come true

also, back at the office, Apollo winces and he can’t figure out why

-

oh yeah its definitely gonna come back.

-

WHOA; OK, MANHANDLING 

MANHANDLING, NOT GOOD

STEP AWAY FROM THE ATTORNEY, BLACKQUILL

yeah just fucking manhandle the stressed out anxious girl. you piece of shit.  i knew me being your friend wouldn’t fuckin last.

-

“MOTIVE, OPPORTUNITY, EVIDENCE??? IS THAT ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU STOP BELIEVING IT YOUR CLIENT?!”

to be fuckin fair, cuckoo, thats usually what loses most cases.

-

would phoenix manhandle athena?? would he berate her and shake her into doing her best?? i highly doubt it.

-

“prosecutor blackquill was just giving me a pep talk, thats all!”

athena thats unhealthy

-

legitimately simon’s been nothing but unpleasant this entire time. its fun to watch him wreck sadmad’s shit but he needs to keep the hell away from athena. whatever protective, elder-brotherly instincts he had for her in DD seem to have stayed in DD.

-

man I'm looking back at my previous commentary and i was. i was just so optimistic. how foolish. franziska, bring down your lash upon this foolishly foolish fool.

atcuall dont i bruise like a peach

-

jeez now I'm imagining Super Dad™ Phoenix Wright cross examining Owen with Athena instead and it’s melting my cold, hard heart

-

“unfortunately, i spy nothing of the sort”

again Sadmad acts like if he doesn't see the answer, then it’s nonexistent 

not very monk-y of you, Sadmad.

-

gotta admit, i love this unique murder weapon

ive actually nearly suffocated under soft, cold, gloopy stuff and lemme tell you, its not fun.

-

...i love that simon took that logic-attack for us 

maybe the animators just wanted to play his OH SHIT animation again 

-

i know it looks like i pick on everything but in fact i edit these down. sometimes i take out whole statements because i rationalize them and realize that theyre actually plausible and i let them slide. so just, y’know. if you think I'm just blindly going at it, i am actually giving this game the benefit of the doubt. you just dont see it.

...if you read these

...uh

-

they used the pre-prepped noodles in the fridge. c’mon guys, as athena would say: Andale!

-

“perhaps the victim was simply playing with the cards, and they hold no other meaning”

oh NOW THEY COULD BE UNRELATED TO THE CASE

OF COURSE, NOW THAT IT’S CONVENIENT TO YOU

you sack’a shit

-

nice cliffhanger, kid.

Oh well; I’m partially glad that the poor lil guy can get a rest, and partially upset that his last two surfaces put him through intense anguish. maybe get Uendo drunk and go to the theatre or something, guys. poor baby could use a pick-me-up.

-

n no–– rise from the ashes flashbacks–– RISE FROM THE ASHES FLASHBACKS

THE LUNCHBOXES

SO MANY LUNCHBOXES

AAAAAHHHHhhhhi gotta give bucky a hand; being drunk and riding a skateboard while supporting a tower of bentos isn’t an easy feat

-

ew slurping 

-

and simon extends his douchiness to the guys he's even shafting Athena for.

just, fuckin, lighten the fuck UP simon, CHRIST

-

TIDDIES

seriously tho; we haven’t had a proper boob joke in ages. actually Geiru kinda reminds me of April May...

 Meanwhile we’ve had several testicle references, a drunk guy, and the bloodiest overarching plot the series has ever had. I think we’ve left Ace behind and graduated to Edge Attorney

-

 to be fair the judge could totally be talking about her actual rubber balloons, considering his childlike personality at times. so maybe ITS YOU, SADMAD, WHO’S THE VULGAR ONE!

GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER!!

-

bloooon. i think Drifloon says that, too. Is that a japenese onomatopoeia or something? 

-

ooh he sadMad

heh

i guess its up to simon’s brilliant mind tricks to save us again..?

...yehhhh i knew it

-

...huh. didnt expect that. impressive use of air...sword... skill. 

-

IM NOT A KOORAHEENIST, SHE’S NOT GONNA HEAR ME ANYWAY.

-

i know what theyre building up and yes, i am super excited to see all those balloons pop

-

...i gotta ask tho, why does Athena think those balloon animals are bad?? theyre extremely intricate and they look a lot more like the thing she promised than most of the ones ive seen.

-

aw no the cake disappeared. i want a huge explosion at the end!!

-

“I’ma cut ya, witch!”

...

.....

........

i uh, i have to um,,,,,,, go now

-

SHES GONNA CUT OFF A TIT

GIRD YERSELF ATHENA

-

me, into my DS mic: HOLD IT. Hold IT. Hold it. hold it... hold it... bold it

athena; HOLD IT 

-

simon: athena youre stupid do something. I'm not helping you.

simon: this time I'm going to do something, but god forbid you dont run with it

i dont think we’ve ever had a co counsel add something to the testimony for us before. we’ve had them hint at answers and interrupt trials to get us out of tight spots, but never directly ordering something like that. Guess that proves just how highly BK thinks of Athena’s abilities......

-

ooh the cakes back and there was a pop

im super ready for this

-

shit thats a strong balloon. i wouldn’t advice biting very thing plastic...

-

............

the... fuck???

sadmad: here is what will prove that Geiru IS NOT the murderer!

(geiru reveals buckwheat allergy and ACUAL RED HAND)

how the fuck does that help your case, Sadmad?? We know that the killer used the dough to kill the master by suffocating him with it. Pointing out that she came into contact with the dough, WITH HER HANDS, IS PROVING SHE DID IT.

YOU JUST GOT HER CAUGHT LITERALLY RED-HANDED.

HOW DOES THIS HELP YOUR CASE??????

-

ok well apparently she could die just by being in the room but if we look at how badly her hand has reacted, and is still reacting, Geiru should probably have at least some difficulty talking if “breathing in the flour” was dangerous. If her hand reacted that badly from minor contact, her throat should be shut like a steel trap. what I'm saying is, she’s probably lying about the severity.

-

“As if I would do anything so underhanded”

oh sad-‘trigger my enemies into yielding’-mad, youre hilarious 

-

y’know i just realized, it is a little insensitive of Taifu to make/buy/keep soba around the place. if Geiru is this deadly allergic, he’s risking killing her simply because he can’t give up his precious noodles. thats like living with someone with a deadly peanut allergy and being all “can’t get enough of my PBnJ!!”

-

its time for

Off!

Brand!

Logic!!!!

-

oh. its not. ...ok

-

hang on didnt she say the dough was udon already, or am i misremembering? if she did and everyone just forgot, thats a little sad.

anyway, i guess thats... an alright twist. i still say that saying your witness is allergic to something and showing a reaction on the body part associated with the murder is stupid thing to do.

-

“dont lose your nerve now. keep charging forward or you'll feel my blade at your back”

I'm just gonna let that speak for itself.

-

ah THERES the off brand logic. and we’re finally gonna talk about those fucking noodles in the fridge. its been a long time coming.

-

i like that ‘ramen’ is a third choice every time

-

that was a pretty involved murder. “alright, kill the old man, hmm hmm... make a dish that i’m deathly allergic to to throw of the scent; just gotta get the cooking! make sure Uendo doesn’t wake up and catch me in the act~~ get rid of the dough in a way that is probably time consuming, lalala~ and there! Blooooon, the perfect crime!”

how much time did she have??

-

also how much blood did she lose form that knick on her forehead? if its enough to permeate an entire clump of dough, she should probably need a transfusion.

-

simon: dog pun. have you figured out the twist yet???? DOG PUN, BY THE WAY. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

-

all the balloons are there. its time.

-

seriously, thats gotta be a lot of blood. I'm getting Gingerdead Man flashbacks.

-

“i wanna thank you, simon. without your constant abuse, i wouldn’t have been scared enough to succeed for fear of what would happen if i failed!”

-

...its a bit premature for breakdown animations; the police haven't gotten back to us about the dough...

-

...i didnt like this balloon explosion as much as i thought i was going to. this is kinda just... uncomfortable.

-

you know, she shouldn’t have resorted to murder or blaming the crime on an innocent, but I feel like Taifu should’ve.... I dunno, either Trained her properly or let her down easy instead of forcing her to be a sexy balloon clown.

It’s clear she really, really wanted to succeed her father’s name, (which I'm a little confused about; was he one of Taifu’s students? What is Uendo’s real name then? what is any of their real names...) so I’m sure that if she just practiced enough, she’d probably be able to do what she needed to get to that level of entertainment. And if she couldn’t, letting her down easy and encouraging her to find something she actually liked instead of making her do... um... balloons would probably be a whole lot less nasty.

also wtf uendo; what did whet ever do to you

man all of these people were kind of dicks. except bucky. the guy who came to his trial drunk.

-

Sadmad: Hmm.... upon further deliberation... seeing as you won... I believe I shall afford you a basic sense of human respect.................. 

Athena: thats all I ask, prosecutor sadmahdi!

-

heyy he’s sobered up! or should I say... SOBA’D UP AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH but seriously i don’t think they’ve said drunk or hungover once in this entire case what the fu

-

“no way... i almost got convicted out of convenience?” you, larry butz, maggey byrde and a shit tonne of other characters in the series. its actually a fairly common occurrence.

-

“he didn’t give her the name because he wanted geiru to find her own calling in life...”

...you know. after foisting a sexy balloon routine on her. to encourage her to quite entertainment. 

obviously Taifu was using the Simon Blackquill approach to encouragement.

“making udon was his way of showing his support of her in her new endeavour”

...what does that... mean

“oh, i’ll make safe dough instead of the stuff THAT KILLS HER to prove that i support her!”

genius

-

“So this entire situation happened because of a misunderstanding? How sad...”

i think you mean,,, hhhh

i hate misunderstanding plots so so much

-

this entire case is just “he was being an asshole to ENCOURAGE you, see!! now you HAVE to forgive him!!”

newsflash: no i dont. you know what works better than fear tactics, threats and coercion? 

BEING ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE

-

“he probably used some tough love on you so that the shop wouldn’t just go belly up”

I SAID SUPPORTIVE. ARE YOU DEAF???

-

see? athena is being a little misguided but at least she's using a positive -food- to try to accomplish something.

“i’ll make sure its got all the TLC Master Toneido would’ve packed in it, too!”

you got it! one ice-cold, bitter, al-dente bowl with a side of vinegar, comin’ right up!

-

no athena!! brand loyalty!! mr eldoon will never forgive you!!!

-

“do us all proud, bucky”

or else

(flashes air sword)

-

Athena: I wonder if this gave me any experience as a lawyer...

Simon: HAHA WRONG, IF I HADN’T BEEN THERE YOU’D HAVE HAD THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU. YOU SUCK, ATHENA, AND YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG. FUCK YOU~!

see what annoys me about this is that when I first played Athena, I had some issues with her being too inexperienced to be a proper lawyer, especially with her court-related PTSD which could seriously endanger her clients.

However... Why are they bringing up her lack of experience in the one case (it’s not even a full case) in a game that isn’t even about her? And ignoring all the progress she made in Dual Destinies?

The way they’re talking about it is as if theyre setting up some kind of sequel; ‘you need to improve athena, you need to practice’. Which would have been all well and good for one of the cases in the first run of her own game... but Athena has been and continues to be a side character to Apollo and Phoenix. Rather than this moment coming at a crucial moment in her own game, it comes out of nowhere during a case she got last minute, couldn’t have prepared for, and is abused throughout.

what I'm saying is, the ghosts of DD past has come to haunt us. They introduced Athena too early and are bungling up her character development. Lawyers need a full set of games to let them grow. Just make an actual Apollo Justice 2 or Athena Cykes 1, but don’t insult us by pretending that this five minute shit actually did either of them justice.

-

Simon: I hope you stay shitty so that I can always win

brilliant.

you know, usually when a character is jerk with a heart of gold, that ‘heart of gold’ thing is supposed to show up at the end.

-

i was going to ignore the horrible joke but then Widget said “ROTFL”

what a... great way to end this....... great case

-

and so we close this one off, and for a case about tasty food, it sure left a bitter taste in my mouth. 

[somethingineedtodo-blog]

About me?

My name is *E* I’m a 20 year old male and this is my very first time here on Tumblr, this is also my first time online in almost a year*

I would currently describe myself as a very quiet, reserved, intellectual yet very insecure guy.

My interests are music (drums and piano), languages, photography, singing, psicologhy/human behaviour and helping as much as I can to other people.

Well, I’ll keep it super brief, but this is an overall resume of my life starting at 8 years. 

8-10 Years. 

- First of all let me start saying that I do not live in the prettiest place of the world, there are lot of gangs and is a common occurrence to get mugged, beat up, threatened or even killed. -

Due to the nature of the place i was brought into the world and other things, my parents were always very dire with me for me to do excellent in school from the very beggining. 

My father comes from a bad place-family, he ran away from his home at age 10, didn’t even finished elementary school but yet he managed to learn a decent job (he is a mechanic), he is a class A- worker, an old fashioned man. 

I have nothing but the outmost respect for him for what he has accomplished with the very few tools that he has... but that’s it. 

My mother on the other hand comes from a decent family, yet she didn’t finished elementary too, she has had a lot of “jobs” during her life, nothing serious.

Despite their excessive pressure i managed to always be on top of every class, i was super participative in all the school activities, yet didn’t had any friends, sometimes i felt like a robot, but a very intelligent and cool robot.

Even at that short age i remember constantly spacing out and getting lost in my head for a lot of timel, having a lot of thoughts and questions about life, existence and things that i believe right now are were not a common thing at that age. The things that i remember asking myself the most at that age are: “Is being good at school really going to guarantee me a succesful life?” ”what does“succesfull” mean? does it mean having a good house, car, material possesions or does it mean being happy with myself while at the same thime contributing something positive to those around me?  “are succesful and happy two different things?” “what if im not happy?”  “how do i know if im really happy?” I remember in vivid detail watching other kids playing football and then out of nowhere they started to fight while i was just... away, away in a corner just observing. 

I had two things “clear” in my mind. 

I had to be good at school and nothing else, i couldn’t afford to lose focus on some other thing because i would get in trouble with my parents. 

The place were i was living wasn’t a place for someone like me, I didn’t wanted to do “bad” stuff nor having to do with those things in the slightest way (As a result of this i pretty much stoped talking with everyone in the area and that got me into a lot of troubles even back then, constant threats, stealing my money, bullying, etc etc, but i didn’t even minded it, it felt somehow natural and i developed this state of insensibility and numbness toward those psicological abuses and the people (15-20yr old guys) that were doing it)

And then it was my house...  Things were not okay at my house.  My dad despite being an awesome worker and always providing what he could to the house... he was an alcoholic and abused my mother physically and verbally all the time in front of me, my mother on the other hand was just “numb” and didn’t even cared, she only cared about serving him and doing good in her “job”.  One of the “fondest” memories that i have of my “family” was in one christmas...  They were arguing... badly.  My father was drunk an started yelling while my mother was just preparing the dinner... and i was just watching them... not knowing what to do... nor understanding what was exactly happening because from my perspective they had nothing to be figthing for...  Thats when i turned on the Tv and the first thing i saw was the “Tom And Jerry” show... i looked up again to my parents and i don’t know why but i found  such a resemblance in how how “Tom and Jerry” and my parents were acting...

I just thought to myself...  “Tom and Jerry hate each other right? So that means my parents must hate each other?”  And i toldto my parents with a cold dead face but with tears in my eyes...  “Why are you even married...?  Went to my room... and cried my way to sleep... at age 9.  The days passed and nothing changed drastically... 

My parents noticed that i didn’t go out and that i was turning into a (in their words) “very weird and lonely kid” so they decided to buy me a PS1 for me to do something else besides just studying and “mumbling, humming, and hitting things with my hands making senseless noise”.  I played for quite a bit and loved it... not because i liked video games in particular but because it was a chance for me to develop my hand-eye cordination and to learn another language (Yes, english is not my primary language, in fact i learned everything i know through video games and music, i have never had a formal -english ed in my city is a joke- or decent class, but i plan to enter one in this year”) I played with that thing hoping to be able to understand everything that was on the screen, understand the music, and be able to hit things as fas and precise as i could (rithym and figthing games).  It served me as an escape from the arguments and the screaming of my parents too, another thing that i remember quite vivid is my father and his cop friends being drunk and shooting some guns (that are supposedly for cop use only)... he was too drunk that he ordered me to shoot the gun, i couldn’t say no despite knowing that was such a dumb and clearly dangerous thing to do. I did, but i was so upset that i called another cops, he found out and well... throwed me a cup at my head and ever since... he and I... well our relationship since that day is complicated to almost inexistent (I’ll elaborate more on that later...). 10-15 Years. Despite both of my parents losing their jobs and us as a “family” starting a “family business” -food truck at a flea market- and me having to work almost everyday i managed not only to be the best of my school but also securing a place in the middle school of my choice due to my grades... but most importantly me asking directly to school principal.  I felt very happy with this achievement in my life... seemed like i was finally going to escape from various things such as bullies, drugs and such and i WAS FINALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO TALK WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, to have “friends”, to go out and play and not feel like a total weirdo because of the constant words of my father.  Talking about him... he and i drifted away completely... as i grew older and started to voice my opinions a lot more he was more and more convinced and expresed that i was (and I quote) “Not like him,and not his son at all”.  What kind of opinions am i talking about? “It’s okay for people to be homosexual, a certain preference (that does not even affect us directly) should not affect how we see or think about those who surround us, being homosexual does not imply that you are a bad or a “distasteful” person... i think that kind of judgments are far beyond race, color, sexual preferences, likes, dislikes, etc.  It’s your actions and the way you affect society what determines if you are a “bad” person.  This lead my dad to think that i was starting to (in his words...) “transform” into an individual with sexual preferences towards guys, so he immediatly started to talk to me about sex... in such an uninformative and rather rude way... objectyifing women almost all the time and using words like “fuck” or “cunt”. (On a side note, my father is not religious at all, so his (quiet obvious if i must say so...) hate for homosexual people has nothing to do with religion at all... he really hates gay people, he calls them by such horrible and disrespectful names sometimes...wich bring us to the other opinion...  “I dont really see what’s the point on being excessively rude with words, I don’t see what’s the point on cursing so much, wouldn’t be better if we could talk and express our thoughts without the use of such pointless words? wouldn’t we sound better?”  This led my father to believe that i was giving him orders.  And as a result it deteriored our relationship even more.  And then... the final straw.  I started to voice my opinions on how he treated my mother and women overall. I was starting to defending her if you like.  He obviously didn’t liked that and this lead us to so many arguments and fights where the phrases “What the fuck do you know about life” “What the fuck do you know about women” “You don’t know anything you don’t even have any friends, you don’t even have anyone to talk to” were pretty common.  Despite all this i loved him and i was hoping he someday would start to change, not even for me or for my mother... but for himself.  His words obviously hurted me so bad everyday, i cried... a lot.  And crying for him was a weakness and he didn’t hesitated to say it whenever he saw me crying over one of our figths. Our allegattions got to a point were i didn’t even tried to say a word... i just was listening to his words and i didn’t even cared... thus i stoped talking with him.  There’s where my mother started to genuinly worry about me, because i always looked so tired and beatdown, she started to talk to me a lot more and whenever i returned from school she always asked me “how my day was”... i don’t know if it was too late or what... but it felt werid, like it was forced or something, so i just said the strictly neccesary. I started middle school and things were different for a change...  The whole zone was different, there were guards, there was order and “peace”, also the guys and girls over there seemed different... like they had interests and did some other “cool and interesting things” like sports, playing an instrument or things like that.  I loved that.  And for once in my life i felt quite at peace, but i couldn’t talk with anyone.  I didn’t knew how to do it, i felt anxious all the time and i had nothing in my head... “just do good in school” “you are returning to your home regardless...”. Fortunaly for me there was just one guy and one girl that were somehow able to go trough the mix of my insecurity and me not talking at all... i don’t know what they saw on me or what lead them to talk to me... one ended up being my 1st girlfriend (trough 12-14) (i don’t talk with her anymore due to how things happened...) and the guy as of today remains my best friend. That girl was very special for me... She was my introduction to so many new things. Trust, actively talking with somebody, a lot of new stuff (music, sports, knowledge etc) that i was totally ignorant of, sex and of course “love”. I GOT TO OPEN A VERY BIG PARENTHESES HERE. (Yes, i know that those things might seem totally rushed for a 12 year old child, and yes, i do agree, in fact if i could i would do things totally different, but i think i did things like i did because i didn’t had a good guidance, i didn’t had good advice per say, i didn’t even knew how to act or what to say... i just kinda went with the moment with the best of my judgment and the logic that i had, do i regret it? maybe some things, but others taught me valuable lessons at such a young age. Do i think it is right for a 12 year old to get introduced in such things as sex, “LOVE” (*big laugh*) or such complex topics as those? Absolutely not, i wouldn’t want my kids to experience those things.  Now i know that i might sound super ridiculous talking this way about my 12 year old self, maybe i didn’t word things like i do now back then, but the feeling remains the same.  So yeah.... back on.  This girl and i developed a quite unusual relationship, mainly because we understood each other so well (his dad died because of alcohol poisoning and her mom was the only family she had) so as soon as i heard her story i could relate, i had this feeling that i should protect her, i didn’t quite knew why, i just felt it, and so we became “very close friends”. The time moved on and she helped me to get out of my shell, to start talking with more friends, we spent so much time together alone doing homework or listening to music just laying in the floor in her house, because her mother was working and my parents thought that i was with my other friend (wich they got to know, but as of this date they don’t know a thing about this girl) The things in my house were just falling apart, to the point were i made up excuses like “i have to do extra homework” in order to be as little as possible in my house and more around my friends and her.  Despite all this i still maintaned excellent grades and i was still very participative in extra curricular things in my school such as poetry, music and such, but it was around 12-13 were something started to feel weird, i started to gradually lose interest in school and started doing it “just because i would get into serious trouble with my parents if i didn’t deliver them good grades” and that feeling was growing stronger and stronger, to the point that i was in a bad mood all the time, i once again stoped talking with everyone except this girl.  This thing got into my head so bad  that i yelled at my biology teacher (wich was my favorite assignment) one day without any apparent reason and started crying desperatly in his arms as he was trying to comprehend why i was acting like that all of the sudden... he asked me “Are things in your house ok?” And i just didn’t respond.  That day something snapped in my mind. I’m not quite sure what, but ever since that day all i can think about is how the things that surround us, everything and everyone, all the words, all the actions, all that we see and hear, from music to tv, everything that we are exposed to... how those things have such a big repercussion in how we act and feel and mostly who we end up being in life.  Time passed and to sum things up... i got my heart broken.  The girl ended up being with somebody else (i don’t like the word “cheating”) And end of story.  This is where i found out that i could be very extremist with people that let me down, to the point were i just... pretend that they are dead and that’s it, nothing more, nothing less, i end up denying any kind of relation-story and existence of people that have let me down, in fact, this is the first time that i talked about her “in depth”, with other times just being a “yes i had a gf before...” “Yes, i’m not a virgin” “Yes we were such good friends” and the “tragic story about how all ended”, to my friend and inevitably to my next Gf.  It does take a lot to let me down though, i don’t tend to hate on anyone, i like to respect everyone as much as i can, all their ideals, their decisions, preferences and such, but when somebody hurts someone without any reason... without even saying a word, without even caring about how much it could affect somebodys life... i just lose it, those type of people are not worthy of being called “humans” because humans are not supposed to be like that, not even animals are like that.  This obviously added up to the issues in my house into my head, made me feel not wanted or not worthy at all, without even an explanation of what i had done wrong or anything like that, it was painful, yes it was, but at the same time the thought of “this was your first time, this was just your first love, it was obviously not going to work out” remained in my head... the thing is... i do know that things are not supposed to work out the first time... but it wasn’t the fact that didn’t work out what messed me up, it was the “how” things ended up not working out what really affected me.  Either way, it cost me a lot to got over that but thanks to a couple of friends and a new hobby i got introduced to thanks to one of them (drums) i could do it.  Fast forward to the end of the second year of middle school and there i was..  Still being the best in the school, but without any kind of fullfilment or sense of actual pride for it, not even doing it for the sake of “learning” or enjoying it.  -Even though it never got clinically confirmed or anything like that at that time (mainly because my parents never had interest in therapy/dental care plus we couldn’t quite afford it at the time)  i think i have been suffering from severe depression from that point up until this day (were i can now say that yes, i’m seeing a neuropsycologist and im under treatment)- Thing’s got way worse when i broke my wrist one day playing football outside in the flea market where my parents and i went to work on the weekends, i took that day “off” and started to play football with some random strangers in an open field, i fell off and landed badly and broke my left wrist... i quickly went back to the food truck with my parents expecting to leave as soon as possible because my “S” shaped wrist... But no, they told me that i had to wait 2+ hours until they finished some stuff... and yes... i waited there, in pain and trying not to scream my lunges out.  All that was going trough my head was “I’m not going to be able to practice the drums ever again”.  But then a random thought poped in my mind, it made me very angry and turned all my pain into straight up burning anger and discomfort and yet again numbness and it goes like this...  “WHY AM I WAITING TO RECEIVE ATTENTION FROM MY PARENTS FOR A BROKEN WRIST, IS IT REALLY MORE IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO WAIT?  SHOULDN’T I BE THEIR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AT LEAST NOW?  2+ passed until i was finally receiving some medical attention, the rest is history, that injury rendered me useless from practicing guitar (it’s not that i can’t play it, but it hurts a LOT) and i stoped playing drums due to a mental block that i self imposed in my brain. I felt so bad that whole year i was in a cast, that was my first birthday that i didn’t feel like celebrating, in fact that was the start of me feeling certain aversion or repulsion towards my birthday, i spent that day alone, just listening to music all day and laying in my bed.  15... That age marks the age that i had my first beer. Why?  I don’t know.  I certainly didn’t do it because i was feeling ok.  Like i previously said... my dad was an alcoholic, i’ve seen how it can change somebody so quickly, making them senseless pieces of meat or straight up useless sacks of organs.  So let’s just say that i’ve always had a certain depiction of alcohol in my brain since i was a little kid... it’s bad and there’s nothing benefitial about it... sure it can help you to socialize with certain kind of people but yeah... it’s not my thing, i even used to call beer “the devil’s piss” when i was a little kid... So how on earth that very fabric of myself got broken that day?  Easy.  I wasn’t feeling alright, i felt like i wanted to cease to exist or just go to sleep and never wake up again.  Even my friends (who were super cool about me not wanting to drink a drop) acted very surprised when i just grabbed a 40 and chugged it all without even hesitating.  All of them asked almost at the same time... are you ok?  I just responded yeah, i just wanted to know what is it about it that you like it so much,nothing else.  One of my best friends (who knew just a fraction of the things that were happening at my house and how i felt overall just looked me in the eye and prounonced a sentence that i think i will never forget: We both now why you are drinking... and it’s not the way.) I just kept drinking.  And so i started (without knowing) to be an alcoholic at the age of 15.  I was known for being a “tank” a term i think is associated with how fast can you drink or something, i don’t know.  But something very weird happened, i never got a hangover, i never passed out, i never even went to bed, i just remained silent watching everyone sleep and once again getting lost in my thoughts, istarted to have problems with my sleep schedule some days only sleeping 2 hours, and i was not longer spacing out... i was straight up “blacking out” (having episodes or lapses of time were you don’t remember what you were doing or saying)and i started to have delusions of somebody following me, started to talk with myself as if i was another person and overall just drifting away slowly.  15-20 years. ************************************************* It’s been 4-5 hours since i started writing this stuff.  It’s exhausting to say the least. I’ll cover up this time-span some other day...  It’s the roughest i think, especially last year. If someone actually reads this... thanks for your time, if you want to say something feel free to do it, whatever it is.   Do know that I’m in a “not so bad” place right now.  I’m still dealing with some old and some pretty new stuff (that is actually the reason why im creating this thing in the first place...) but the point of all this is for me to get to know me a little better, re-learn from myself and my mistakes and hopefully improve with my life from now on, i certainly don’t want to feel like i’m feeling right now forever.  And if i feel this is “something i need to do ™” (hahah) to make me feel better, then so be it...  I’ll do anything to feel happy for once.  But as of right now I’ll go to sleep.  ...Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem...