#yes oomfs i am doing this AGAIN

[dixoterin]

Shop now live from 7.10 - 7.31 !!

>>[LINK]<<

(reblogs appreciated <3)

Hello. I'm back by popular demand of the merch making demon voices in my head. and also the gorgeous oomfs !!

i have a discount code available!!! please use "ANIMEPLASTIC" for 15% off your order of >$30!!

(Some of) My ninjago pair up charms are up again for preorder so please snag them if you haven't gotten the chance yet!! Sorry my plans are so sporadic but i really do make split second decisions at times and then get way too deep into them until i can't back out ^__^;;

But yes. I have a lot of fun shakers for u guys because i am the bearer of the "but it would be so funny" curse. i hope you guys are entertained <3

and one last THANK YOU!!!! I'M NERVOUS AS HELL!!!! BUT HERE WE ARE!!! THANKS FOR YOUR COURAGE AND SUPPORT AND HYPE!!! i really don't know if i would've been able to muster up the courage if it wasn't for all of your "i need this bad"s and "i'm putting them in my mouth"s. theyre all very appreciated. but please dont actually eat them and don't sue me if you choke and die ok.

and bonus sneak peak manu sample proofs for u guys who cared to read this far! ty team :'3c

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 12

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode) - Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in- into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand? All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, Is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…

♡ Summary: Winnie x Carmy have deep talks, Carmy ends up running away & having a panic attack, Syd being the pookie pie she is brings Winnie to therapy, they share big news & Syd is anxious (but, what's new there?)

♡ W/C: 9,600

♡ Posted Date: 03/08/2024

♡ A/N: Hey everyone! No smut in this chapter, but lots of angst!! We finally get to see Syd bc I was talkin to a Tumblr OOMF & I just HAD to put in some Syd this week, & she slipped right in there perfectly! We will be back with some super sweet fluff next week, I need to keep you on your toes - this is about Carmen the most anxious person on earth after all hahahha

♡ Warnings for BTC: Smoking, Swearing, Angst, Talk of suicide, Panic attacks, Bad coping skills *not edited :)*

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

After a shower that surprisingly didn’t end in another round, and a heavy make out when he came out of the bathroom to see me clad in nothing but his white shirt and a pair of panties, we had gotten comfortable in bed again, my fairy lights back on. 

We were laid facing eachother, fingers intertwined, sharing sweet pillow talk about what we did earlier in the night. It felt so good to talk to him like this, and truth be told I felt so lucky that he was being so open about how he felt about it all. 

“Y’know when-“ I giggled “when I was like- I couldn’t say anything other then yes?” I asked and he snorted a laugh, squeezing my hand softly. 

“Yes why?” He gently rubs my hip with his free hand, pushing my shirt up so his palm was flat against my skin. 

“Cause- well I couldn’t even wrap my head around it, I just knew that you were doing exactly what I wanted, but more so you were saying what I wanted. Like- Bear. I am so amazed with you and your ability to like- learn so fast. You’re like actually the best lay I’ve ever ever had. For real, honest to god.” I said, gently rubbing my thumb over his now very warm and pink cheek. 

He swallowed thickly, thinking for a moment, eyes fluttering shut under my gentle touch. “Can I tell y’somethin, baby?” he asked quietly. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his, my hand trailing up his face and fingers getting lost in his damp curls. 

“Anything, Carmy.” I whispered, gently nuzzling our noses sweetly “I want you to tell me everything baby” I whispered and he leaned forward, kissing me gently. When he pulled his lips away, his forehead still on mine. My eyes flutter open to meet his blue ones. He takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“I-I’ve never felt like this..and I’m really fuckin’ scared” he bit his lip, squeezing my hip gently. I cupped his jaw, planting a lingering gentle kiss on his forehead before resting my own against him again. 

“Do you remember, last week, when you told me you wanted me to show you how it feels?” I whisper and I could have sworn he stopped breathing for a moment. 

“N-no- no…how…it’s too soon” he pulls away a bit and I let him do so, squeezing his hand affirmingly. 

“How fast do you hate someone?” I asked after he sat silent for a moment, and the look behind his eyes was clear that he was far off somewhere else, so I had to say something to get him back. 

“What?” He asks, attention back to me. “Why does that matter?” He begins untangling our fingers and I rest my other hand over his to stop him. 

“Because. There is such a thin line between love and hate, Carm. I can tell you hate with a deep, guttural, soul-splitting passion. When you hate something, you hate it…and when you love something” I said and he gently curled his fingers around mine again, rubbing his thumb in strokes along the back of my hand. 

“How are you like that” he whispers, pulling me to his chest and nuzzling his face in my neck, his lips pressed to my skin and warm puffs of breath tickling the fleshy spot between my shoulder and my neck. 

I smiled, my hand absentmindedly coming up and lacing my fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp gently in the places I’d come to know he liked. “Like what, Bear?” I whisper, just as soft. It felt like we were the only people in the world. Sleep wasn’t needed in our little haven, I felt like I couldn’t miss a single moment of him. 

“That.” He breathes into my skin, peppering sweet, warm kisses along my skin. “You always fuckin’…just…calm me down. It’s so fuckin’ terrifying” he mutters, a small smile comes to my lips and I kiss his temple sweetly. 

“You calm me down too, but you also make my heart race so much even when I think about you, I worry for myself sometimes…like I’m havin’ a heart attack. Like my heart literally skips. And I didn’t understand what people meant until I met you” I said with a small giggle and he snorts a laugh into my skin. 

“I can’t think about you when I’m not with you- well…that’s a lie…I can’t think about how I feel about you when I’m not with you” he said softly, his thumb gently rubbing over the scar on my hip. 

“Why?” I asked quietly, gently dragging my fingers through his hair in slow, backwards strokes. 

“Cus’ I’ll give myself a fuckin panic episode or whatever it’s called if I think about it for too long.” He mumbled into my neck and I swallowed thickly. 

“Cause…you like me, right?” I asked and he lets out a chuckle. 

“Sooooo far past like, but sure. I don’t even know what to call it, but I more then like you. But- I…I also hate feeling like this..cus’…cus’ I feel- I feel like I’m gonna fuck everything up. Like…what if I’m so focused on us that I fuck up the restaurant? Or- or what if I lose my touch. Or fuckin’ I dunno. Somethin’ in me just like-“ he sighs. “I need a fuckin’ cigarette.” He sits up, back facing me, leaving me cold on my side and I pout. 

“Alone?” I ask quietly, wanting to reach out for him. 

“No- no baby come w’me cmon. Put on some pants though yeah? It’s freezin’ “ he said, grabbing his sweatpants and putting them on as well as his usual plaid brown jacket. 

I got up, opening my dresser and pulling out some pink fuzzy hello kitty pajama bottoms, tugging them on before putting on my fuzzy pink bear socks along with my Ugg slippers and grabbing my well loved Winnie the Pooh zip up, putting it over his tshirt and putting up the hood. “We can go on the balcony” I said softly, going over and unlocking the door. 

He slipped his sneakers on, following me out and sitting down on one of the chairs. “C’mere” he pats his lap and I come over, gently sitting and wrapping my arms around him once he got his cigarettes out and grabbing his lighter from his pocket. Once he popped it between his lips, I lit it for him, gently playing with the curls at the base of his neck and watching as he took a drag. 

“I just feel…like- and I-i know what you’ll say- cause you’ve told me already like a hundred times- but…I feel like, I’m finally sacrificing a little of myself for myself and…I feel like I don’t deserve to? Like…I-i-im betraying myself? and-“ I cup his cheek, stopping his rambling. 

“Why is it betrayal, baby? What about letting yourself feel for once is a betrayal?” I asked and he took another long drag, mulling the question over. 

“Cause’ that part of me that tells me it’s betrayal T’myself t’be happy is the same part of myself that says people always leave and it’s always right. And it tells me…like- like- everyone is gonna be so mad at me when I fuck up with you and then lose you and I also have been like- not on top of my shit with the restaurant. So like I’m- I’m fuckin over Nat, and Richie, and Marcus, and Tina, and Syd. I’m fuckin’ em, Win. For me to be happy. Leavin’ em with all this bull that I’m used to handling so I can run off and play boyfriend until you fuckin’ realize that-“

“Hey, hey, hey” I said softly, cutting his spiral before it could get too deep. “Let’s unpack this baby, so you…you feel like, if you were to fall in love- not even with me. Let’s take me out of this equation. So you think that if you were to have a lover, like a real, intimate, partnership, like- building your life with someone. And that because as a human you have to have a work-life balance, that if your life cuts in to your work, just like your work is expected to cut in to your life once in a while- you believe that everyone in your life, Your big sister, your closest friends, and Syd? Syd. The girl who every person in her life she just wants them to be happy? Like it actually brings her to tears. She fuckin sat with me and Sadie for eleven hours on a FaceTime call, helping us get our Taylor tickets when she didn’t even want to go. And she cried with us when we finally got them. Syd loves you, Carm. As a friend. And knowing Syd, how she loves her friends? Its pure. So if you can’t believe any of the other people you mentioned would be anything short of happy if you were to have an actual life outside of work, it would be Syd. Also- you” I poke his cheek, thankfully earning a tiny upturn of his lips with the action. 

“You, sir” I continue “are a control freak. Yes, it’s hot a lot of the time. But then the other 10-15% of the time…all it does is fuck everything up Carmy. When you try to fuckin’ control every situation with an iron fist something is bound to go wrong. Syd is so smart. She was smart before you got her, and she’s even smarter because you’re teaching her, Carm. You said it yourself- she’s your right hand. Is Syd not your right hand, lovey?” I asked him softly, gently massaging his tense shoulders. 

Blew a trail of smoke away from me, being sure not to let any get directly in my face, before clearing his throat. “Ye’. She is” he muttered, slightly relaxing under my touch. 

“S’what does that mean, baby? D’you trust yourself? Do you trust that you’ve taught Syd, and Richie, and Fak, and Natalie, and Tina how you want your restaurant to be run? What if somethin’ happened to you tomorrow god forbid- d’you think The Bear would crash and burn?” I asked and he shook his head lightly in response, pushing his cigarette out in the ash tray. 

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. “No- no…that’s actually..” he sighs, looking ahead at the cityscape. “I think about that- like…a lot…well- more before I met you I guess…but- t’day” he swallowed thickly and I kept my gaze locked on his side profile. 

“T’day I thought about it again…and y’re right. If I was removed…everything would probably run smoother. Because like you said. I’m an efficient son of a bitch because of how tightly I control shit, but sometimes I do too much and- a lot I think like…what if I’m holding The Bear back.” He muttered and I gently stroked his cheek with my thumb, both of us going quiet. I gnawed on the inside of my lip nervously, contemplating how he’d react- but knowing how he feels about himself…I had to allow him to see his situation from the outside. 

“D’you wanna know something I’ve been thinkin’ about…but…I didn’t wanna tell you cus’ I’ve been scared it’ll get you worked up for the wrong reasons?” I ask just above a whisper and his gaze finally meets mine again. 

“Tell me” he said, “I promise- I don’t think I could ever stay mad at you, honey” he said leaning in and kissing my cheekbone lightly. 

I took a deep, regulating breath. “When Sugar drove me home…I dunno I just had this- I was…I was just curious. And I asked her, I was like oh- who started to call him Bear, and- she told me that it was Mikey…” I watch his jaw tighten slightly and I swallow thickly, finding the confidence to continue. “And she- she told me…that um..you- you went to New York. Because you and Mikey kinda…grew apart. But that when you were young you both- you…The Bear was gonna be yours together.” I manage to get out and he closes his eyes taking a deep shakey breath. 

“What does this have to do with what I said, Winnie.” He said evenly, but his breath trembling. 

“I…I think-“ I play with my zipper nervously. “I think Mikey felt the same way… I think- he…he felt like you’d be better off because of the way he did things a-“ my voice breaks, tears coming to my eyes. “and he saw you Carmen…he saw you. Sugar told me she- she said…she said he was so proud, but he- he wouldn’t say it. And- and I think…I think he-he was scared. I think-“ he cuts me off. 

“S’what? Y’think he fuckin’ killed himself because he thought I was better than him?! When he wouldn’t even fuckin’ let me work at Mom and Dad’s piece a’ shit - before I fuckin’ went off to prove myself to him.” He said, voice sharper than I’d ever heard him speak towards me before, but still cracking towards the end. 

“Carmy…” I whispered, my throat feeling tight at the sudden energy shift. 

“I think he always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you. Carmy. He fucking loved you so fucking much. The way-“ I took a trembling breath, tears staining my cheeks. “The way he loved you was pure Carmen. You said you- you haven’t felt it but it’s just- it’s been around you this entire time baby. Sugar told me how you two were, she gushed over the trouble you’d get into together and how he’d always walk you to school. Just how fucking kind he was and all the ways you take after him.” I wiped away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. 

“I-“ he choked on a sob. “I have to go on a walk- p-please. Alone.” He took in a shaking breath, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, tears pooling down his cheeks. “I h-have to think” he sniffled. 

I wipe his tear-stained cheeks. “Just be safe ok?” I whispered, kissing his temple gently before getting up off his lap.  

He nodded, grabbing his cigarettes and going back in to put a shirt on. I sat down in the chair, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knee, looking out at the city scape, my mind reeling with thoughts. The main one that kept bouncing from corner to corner or my mind like a god damn dvd video logo. 

You sunk too deep, too soon. He’s not coming back.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I pulled the door behind me slightly harder than I meant to, the slam echoing throughout the hallway. I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, the second I got into the stairwell lighting it with shaking hands. 

Really, Bear. If you ever feel it's getting too much - call, okay?

Sugars words bounced around my head as I pounded down the stairs, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Sure. The thick hot smoke I was inhaling didnt help the matter, but- fuck - the only thing that could allow me to speak fuckin normally in this state, was if I had a cigarette to pull on. 

I shove open the door so hard that it slams against the brick, causing an elderly woman and her white fluffy dog to jump. “Ooh!” she exclaims, putting her hand over her heart at the sudden noise. 

“S’rry Ma’am” I muttered, pulling my hood over my head as I walked by, looking at my feet as I fished my phone out while I took a drag of my now lit cigarette. With my free hand, I popped the cigarette out of my mouth and let out a shaky exhale as I unlocked my phone with shaking fingers.

Where the fuck am I going right now? 

I click the phone icon, clicking Sugars number and putting the phone to my ear as I listen to the ring and my heavy footsteps, inhaling another heavy drag. Surprisingly, it was only 2 rings before she answered. 

“God damn it Bear, y’re lucky I shut my ringer off before Livy woke up- Whats goin’ on?” she whisper-shouts into the phone. I stopped, leaning against the chainlink fence cutting off the empty lot a  block down from Winnies apartment. I wanted to crumple and sob at the sound of her voice.

“N-Nat?” I stutter in to the phone, my voice shaky, feeling just like I sounded as a fuckin’ kid, knocking at her door after Mom yelled at me for knocking her drink over. 

“Carmy-” she said, voice much softer then before and I heard her front door click open, car keys jingling. “Bear, where are you - let me help you, Bear, please, tell me- where are you?” she pleads.

I took a deep shuddering breath, crouching down against the fence with my head in my hands, the only thing stopping my hand from shaking being pressing the phone to my ear.

“Y’remember - d’you-” I took the phone away from my ear, slapping my palm against my forehead roughly in frustration. I cant fuckin’ speak right now. Fuck. And it feels like I’m gonna throw up. 

“Bear” I heard her say through the phone as I frustratedly rubbed my hand over my face, pushing tears away angrily to try and ground myself.

How the fuck did Winnie make me feel like this? What the fuck? Why am I not mad at her for making me feel like this?

“Nat- Nat…Nat” I try catching my breath, “Nat, Im fuckin’ im cashin’ in- w-when you told me t’call you if im- if… “ I look up briefly, rubbing my hand over my mouth to soothe back a sob, my eyes meeting the ‘For Rent’ sign of the empty lot I was kneeled infront of pathetically. 

“Uh-I’m-I’m a-at- tw-” I pull the phone away and cough, my lungs burning. The mix of crying uncontrollably, thick mucus, and cigarettes, proving once again to be deadly- if not at least extremely irritating to my throat when I’m like this.

“Twenty-five north Wells, near Winnies” I breathe out, slumping down into a heap on the sidewalk, curling into myself. 

If someone I know walks by, I’m actually going to end it, fucking tonight.

“Stay, stay right there, I’m coming Bear” I heard her car door slam shut, before the engine roared to life.

 “Thanks” I mumble in to the phone and hung up, dropping my phone in my chest pocket and hugging my knees.

I look like a fuckin child, pathetic and rediculous.

But my swirling, self deprecating thoughts didn’t stop me from shaking with silent sobs as I mulled over the words Winnie said minutes earlier, sticking to my brain like velcro. 

‘ He always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you, Carmy. ‘

I shook my head at the thought, wiping the never ending stream of tears from my raw cheeks. “Fuckin, get it together quit bein a pussy” I muttered to myself, sniffling and standing up, shaking my hand by my side roughly, hearing the joint crack with each flick as I paced back and forth quickly, uncontrollably gasping breaths taking over my lungs in place of sobs as I swallowed everything back. 

I refused to be sniveling like a little bitch when I got in Nat’s car. I’m not fuckin’ 7 anymore. I clear my throat, looking up at the sky as I pace, trying to find anything to pop in my mind other then the racing thoughts of Mikey, and the overwhelming guilt that I somehow killed him by leaving. 

I was so lost in attempting to chill the fuck out - that I didn’t even hear Natalie’s SUV pull up. What pulled me out of my head was the sound of her car door slamming. 

“Bear- fuckin’ Jesus Carmen, thank god Y’re alright buddy, you scared me fuckin’ shitless” she comes up to me, hugging me tightly and nestling her face in my chest. “I love you, i love you, I love you Carmen. I don’t tell you enough, but I love you, ok? So so fucking much. Y’re still my little bud. Y’know that, right? Y’re gonna be my little buddy forever” She mutters. 

And with that, I cracked once again. “Nat” I whisper, before completely breaking down in her arms, sobbing into her shoulder. She hugs me tighter, rubbing circles into my back soothingly.  

“Oh, Bear…” she whispered sadly into my hair, “tell me, tell me Carm.” She said and I tried to catch my breath.

“I- fuck- holy fuck. I- I needa sit…please. D-do you have water?” I cough hard into my arm. Fuckin cigarettes only fuck me up this bad when I’m like this. 

“Carm, fuckin’ breathe - holy shit. Yes, c’mon” she tugs my sleeve and I got on the passanger side, immediately grabbing her large purple cup that of course was just like Winnie’s-

Since the universe is determined to cackle at my demise at every beck and turn. 

-but I got past it due to my mouth that was so dry it felt glued, and chug down about half of the cup by the short time she’d sat in the driver seat and set the cup back down with a sigh. 

“Glad to see you found the water” she said, turning the engine over so we wouldn’t freeze. “So. Cmon. Let’s go. code hiccup..this must be serious” she said, bringing a small, barely there smile to my lips. 

Code hiccup was what she called her mandatory chats with me as a kid, when I’d get so fuckin’ worked up that I’d be hiccuping as I cried since I could barely breathe. And during these, she told me ‘as an older sister she has authority to make me tell her what’s bothering me.’ - she’d only ever called one of these when I was at the very wits end of my breaking point, so I never fought her on it. 

I look at her “Mikey- Winnie- she -hic- she…what the fuck did you say t’her, Nat?” Ok, so I guess I still get so worked up I fuckin’ hiccup. 

“Carm, what? Thats why you’re all fuckin’ upset?! Cause I told her a few childhood stories, and told her about how much he missed you when you were away? How close you both were? You knew that already. I told you that! I tried calling, Bear. You fuckin iced me out the same way he did t’you” she shook her head. 

“No- n-no she -hic- she…she said” I took a shaking breath, swallowing back the lump in my throat that was threatening to make a reappearance. “Why would she ever say I -hic- take after him? W- -hic- we both know that Mikey-“ I shook my head, looking out the window. “Was better at fuckin everything. He was normal.” I said quietly. 

“Carm, you are so much like him- you take after him in so many ways. The good and the bad.Other then the….the end for him, you were the same. We practically raised you, Carm, if anyone knows you its me, and it was Mike. How you’re so selfless in forgoing your own pleasures for the sake of others, your passion, Carm, your passion for your family, your passion for cooking? He missed you…but- I could tell he wanted you to just…do your own thing” she said, holding her cup in her lap and twirling the straw anxiously. 

“He knew Nat, he knew how much it h-hic-hurt me, when he fuckin…” I shook my head, closing my eyes tightly as tears pricked at the corners. 

“Bear I need you to hear me when I say this and not take it the wrong way…” she whispered and I looked at her, swallowing thickly. 

“A few months after you left…we were talking, and- he…he told me that…” she shakes her head, looking at her lap. “He told me that unless he kicked you out hard enough, you’d be too…soft to make it, like- that… that you wouldn’t be angry enough to get where you needed to go, to pull yourself up. He said that…that in the kitchen industry..you cant be so openly in love with cooking like you were…that to succeed you had to be serious about it, that it wasn’t about love, its about perfection. So he- he did that because he thought that he was helping you- but..but loving and being soft isn’t a bad thing Bear, and I wanted to fuckin wallop him over the back of the head for ever even thinking like that, but he told me…where you were going- where you were destined to go…you’d never had made it if he- if…he held your hand like he always did.” her eyes finally met mine once more.

I was just sitting there, dumbfounded, hiccups escaping my lips every so often a stears silently streamed down my cheeks. “Why does everyone except you and Winnie work like that, Natty?” I whispered after a long moment of silence. 

“Like what, Carm?” she brushes some stray tears away from my cheek. “That in order to offer help, they need to hurt me first”

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

I didn’t sleep at all that night, I didn’t even realize it was 6am until I got an alarm on my phone, alerting that Taylor would be hitting the stage in a few minutes.

She always helps me forget things for a little while. I’m so glad she’s starting her leg in Singapore, today.

 I grabbed it off the charger hitting the stop button, and rubbing my tired eyes. “ ‘Lexa - g’morning” I said ‘Good morning’ it replied, my LED lights flicking on to a warm pinky orange.

I sat up in bed, finding my remote and switching Criminal Minds out for the morning news, before grabbing my phone and opening up the live stream of her concert. Amidst everything, i’d forgotten about Swiftball completely- not even caring much. I had went numb a few hours ago, when it would have been a reasonable walk. No, Carm went home. He had to have, the only thing left here of his was his backpack, that was laying flat on the floor since everything he’d brought to wear for the night was on his person, and his pair of Levi’s, as well as one of his white shirts. 

I got up, stretching my back and listening as the lead up speech to Cruel Summer started. 

“Oh! Nǐ hǎo!” she said adorably before beginning to sing, causing me to giggle. 

“Adorable” I mutter to myself, turning around and picking up Persephone from her spot on Carm’s-

On the other side of my bed. 

And held her like a baby. “G’mornin stinky” I said and kissed her head. She looked up at me and licked my nose, causing me to scrunch it up and smile. “Tank you for kisses smoochy, where were you last night mmm? Hidin’?” I put her back down on the bed gently and stroke her tail before grabbing my phone and heading to the bathroom.

I connected to my speaker, listening to Lover play, and rolling my eyes to myself as I start the shower and began to undress. 

This therapy session is gonna be brutal. I feel it. 

Nonetheless, out of habit I hummed along. I washed my body while listening to The Archer, Deep conditioned my hair, dancing around in the shower a bit to Fearless, it really was one of my favorite songs of hers. Probably because it was one of those songs Chris and I danced to a billion times together in my room with my little hello kitty CD player my mom had gotten me as my christmas present at a garage sale one year. 

I shaved my legs to You Belong With Me, and exfoliated to Love Story, smiling as I replayed all the memories of Chris turning the volume all the way up, and sitting criss-cross on my floor, his hand over the top of the CD player, feeling the hum of the lyrics and the bass while I jumped wildly on my bed and sung my heart out like I was preforming my own personal concert. We’d listened to this album so much, and I’d signed him the lyrics so much, that by the bumping of the bass and vibration of the lyrics- he knew by memory what song was playing after a while.

By the time Look What You Made Me Do was playing, I was cutting the water off from my long luxurious shower. I was convinced I’d scrubbed every touch of him off my body, out of guilt more then anything. I swoop in his life, give him these new experiences, make him feel loved, and then clawed open his deepest wound that had barely clotted yet. 

He doesn’t deserve to heal on my timing because it would make our relationship easier on me. This is about us together, and the conversation we had was out of my own selfishness. 

I’m torn away from my swirling thoughts from the opening lines of Enchanted, rolling my eyes in annoyance, “Oh give me a fuckin’ break.” I mutter to the universe. I finished drying myself off, trying to ignore the lyrics as I slathered my lotion on. 

And now I’m pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door.. 

“No! No its a stupid song and I am not dramatic and this song isn’t even about anything like what happened shut UP brain” I rambled to myself, spraying on my Honey Bee body mist that had golden glitter in it, going out to my bedroom and opening my dresser. 

I focused on getting dressed, putting on a black T-shirt bra and panties and heading over to my closet. I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of overalls with Pooh embroidered on them, as well as a striped tan,blue, and red turtleneck sweater i’d thrifted. I slipped on the sweater, untucking my damp hair and adjusting the collar before putting on the overalls and buckling them up. 

I went back over to my dresser, pulling out some plain black ankle socks and slipping them on before grabbing my phone and heading into the bathroom. I quickly blew out my hair so my bangs wouldn’t curl up wildly, and brushed my teeth before heading out to the kitchen with Persephone on my heels as I hum along with We are Never Ever Getting Back Together  

This is the energy I need to take on for his sake. 

I sighed to myself as I took out one of my iced coffee glasses, stuffing it with ice before putting it under the coffee machine & brewing a strong latte. 

I had nothing to make for breakfast, and did not feel like going to the store- so I just decided to skip it and grab some McDonald’s on my way home from therapy later. I wandered off to my craft room, looking over various projects I’d started and contemplating what I wanted to throw myself into today. 

Something…intricate. 

I knew just the thing. I opened up the closet, pulling out the bodice mannequin that was dressed in my half done replica of Taylor’s Midnight Rain bodysuit. I had scoured google for days finding the perfect colors of beads, finding the best threads that wouldn’t snap, the best sequins. I saved up for 3 months, after my last Taylor concert- because Sadie and I agreed that we’d be watching for more Tickets to her Miami show, because it was so good when we went we had to do it again. 

I hum along to The Last Great American Dynasty as I prepared my sewing needle, getting all my beads and sequins laid out. I counted out my first group of 13 beads, sewing them in a neat row one by one, having to push up my glasses on my nose every so often. 

I only broke my trance when she started singing the first surprise song of the evening sparks fly. I gasped, standing up and watching closely, dancing around and singing along, squealing excitedly when she mixed in Gold Rush as well. 

“Oh my god those are perfect songs together!!!” I jump happily, singing along excitedly when she got to the chorus. 

“I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild just keep on keepin’ your eyes on me it’s just wrong enough to make it feel right!! And lead me up the staircase won’t you whisper soft and slow!! I’m captivated by you baby like a firework sho-“

“Winnie?” I hear and a shriek escapes my lips in surprise. I whip around to see Carm standing in the doorway. 

“Bastard” I slap my hand over my heart, attempting to catch my breath. “Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that! Jesus I almost had a heart attack!” I said, and there was the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. 

“I did knock, sorry I guess it wasn’t loud enough.” He said. His eyes were bloodshot, nose red and raw from being rubbed. His curls were a mess of broken waves from running his hands through them so much. 

“I thought…” I turn the volume on my phone down. “I- I thought you…went home.” I said, biting the inside of my lip nervously. 

“What? No..no. I’m sorry, I- I had to think…I uh- I saw Sugar, we talked. She just dropped me off cause she has to get her kid ready for school. But I feel…better, kinda.” He releases a shaky breath. 

I nod, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry, I’m really, sorry, Carmen. I- I shouldn’t have said any of that t’you..it doesn’t matter how I feel about Mikey and- and how I feel about how you feel about him…it was never my place to reopen that wound. And…I-“ my voice cracks, vision going blurry with tears. 

“I think I’ll only hurt you if we keep this up.” I shake my head, looking at my feet and nervously playing with my fingers. 

“No- well, maybe- maybe yeah…-“ he hesitated and swallowed thickly. 

I squeeze my eyes shut, hot tears running down my cheeks. 

Selfish. Manipulative. Horrible. You ruin everything you touch. Why are you crying- he should be the one crying. You hurt him - you selfish greedy bitch! 

I shake my head as the voices roar in my ears. 

“I mean- it was a lot all at once…baby, and it was really late, and- and we had just been so close like that for the first time in bed, and that was my first time being so close to someone in bed in general. And - I…I think I was too emotionally fucked out for that and that’s why I ran. But I want you. I want this” He said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

I look up at him, sniffling. “Y-you don’t hate me now?” I whisper, my voice shakey. 

“Honey” he said softly, stepping towards me and opening his arms. I felt pulled like a magnet, dropping my phone on my chair and curling my arms around him, nuzzling my face in his chest and inhaling the scent of cigarettes, sandalwood, cedar, the smallest touch of jasmine, but best of all the light tinge of him. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, Bear” I whisper over and over again into his shirt. He rubs my back in long soothing strokes. 

“ it’s okay baby, I’m just…I feel alot when I with you- let’s go slow with talks like that yeah?” He mumbled in to my hair and I nod slightly against his chest.

“Thank you” I said softly and look up at him, resting my chin on his sternum. 

“F’what baby?” He brushed my bangs from my eyes. 

“Not leaving me.” I whisper and he bent his neck downwards, resting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes.  

“It’s a me thing - not a you thing- but…I’m really confused why I didn’t. I mean…that’s my MO usually, especially with girls. But…I dunno…I wanna keep trying this time, y’re different.” He squeezes my hips gently. 

I wrap my arms around his neck loosely, “kiss me?” I ask softly and he obliges. I hum satisfied at the feeling of his lips once more, swiping my tongue across his bottom lip and he opened his mouth on contact, his tongue finding mine. I tasted a tinge of iron, and he pulled away lightly when my tongue ran over his bottom lip, feeling the raw flesh. He’s been biting the fuck out of his lips.

Our noses sweetly rub together in the tender kiss, my fingers twirling a soft blonde tuft of hair between them. He pulled away after a moment, and I looked up at him.  “can we sleep baby, please” his eyes fluttered back shut, it sounded like a plea more then anything. 

“Let’s go t’sleep, Bear” I intertwined our fingers, tugging him gently to the bedroom.

I’m woken by my Apple Watch buzzing on my wrist. I groan softly, looking at it ‘therapy 1 hr.!!’ The alarm read. I hit stop, carefully untangling Carmen and I, first slowly deranging our fingers, then carefully untwisting our legs, and finally ever so gently picking up his arm and rolling out of bed slowly so as to not wake him. Poor thing has only been sleeping 6 hours and he was surely up for more than 24. 

I slipped his white tshirt off, dropping it on the bed and I went over to my desk, putting on my outfit that I’d taken off to nap. Then, I sat at my vanity, popping in my AirPods and listening to my metal playlist as I did some light simple makeup, brushing my long hair into a high ponytail, leaving my fringe out. My music goes soft, Siri reading out a notification. 

Text from Syd the Chef kid 👩🏾‍🍳🫶: place is slow cause the rain, espresso date b4 therapy?? 

I smiled to myself, grabbing my phone and quickly texting back. 

Plsss!! 🥹🫶 imu goddess. Need Syd time!!!

I got up, going and brushing my teeth before feeding Persephone her early dinner so she didn’t wake Carm asking for it if he slept through my appointment. I grabbed a piece of my Hello Kitty stationary and a pen, quickly writing. 

Went to therapy. Be back by 4:30, please lock the door if you leave (didn’t wanna wake you, you look so sweet + handsome when you’re sleeping ♡ ) x♡x♡ - Winnie♡ :) 

I quietly entered the bedroom, leaving the note on my pillow and giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead, being sure to tuck his arm into the blanket so he wouldn’t get cold and brushed his hair back before grabbing my tote and shutting the bedroom door behind me. 

I check my phone to see a new text from Syd about 5 minutes ago 

Be there in 10!

I grabbed her heels that id been long meaning to give back to her, quietly shutting the front door behind me and I went downstairs. By the time I was bouncing down the steps her blue optima was pulling up. I practically skipped over, it had been ages it felt since we last got to hang out. Syd brought me to therapy 3 times a week, she refused to take gas money, and told me that she didn’t want me dealing with surge pricing or risking the train. 

I pop open the passenger door “you’re children” I present her heels dramatically. She laughs, taking them from my hand and tossing them in the back. 

“Thank you. You only held them ransom for how many months?” She asks as I shut my door, buckling in. I laughed. 

“Mmm don’t ask you know me and time” I said, putting my tote at my feet. “I fuckin missed you bitch!!! When are those James award nominations coming out?” I ask and she looks nervous. 

“Last night” she said and I gasp 

“SYDNEY!!! Oh my god! No- don’t tell me you haven’t looked!! You’ve been working so hard!” I tap her arm excitedly. 

“I literally couldn’t bring myself to look at them that’s why I wanted to get coffee” she said putting the car in drive and turning down the main road to get on the highway. 

“Dude! With all the attention The Bear has gotten since you opened last year, and like - what is it- four of the five most popular dishes are all yours!!! Bitch- Carmen should be scared! You are coming for his neck!” I laughed and she shakes her head, smiling wide. 

“I know..I know..but still like..” she sighs a bit “what if it’s like it was last year…what if- like…what if they just see our success as his success..he totally deserved all the awards last year, but- that to me is all the more reason for the voting panel to hand it to him. And he’s been on like 2 podcast interviews…and he has like a whole fandom online.” She said and I grab her hand that was moving as she spoke, squeezing gently. 

“Syd..Carmen isn’t a new chef- he’s already won that last year, sure he can take outstanding chef, if he’s nominated. But…” I swallow thickly. “I- I know Carm is amazing but like- cmon…Syd. You’ve been…the star of that restaurant now, the whole time you’ve been open. Carm is the handsome face that’s been media trained, yes we both know he’s a crazy genius chef mastermind- but - so are you! You’re younger then he is, and I have no doubt you’re nominated for something this year. Yeah, Carmy is getting the bear out there on social media by bein all sexy and stuff in interviews- but you are the one that’s being interviewed like weekly by those blogs and magazines” I said and her smile returns. 

“You’re right, you’re totally right. Totally. Carmen can’t be nominated for emerging chef again, he already won it.” She squeezed my hand gently. 

“Speaking of Carmen.” She eyes me through the rear view mirror. “Spill.” She said and I bit my lip, looking out the window as I played with my fingers nervously.  “Okay. What happened.” She demands, turning the radio lower. 

“I’m a idiot is what happened” I said embarrassed and pick at balls of lint on the inside of my sleeve. 

“Okay and this is becauseeee…” she drawls, waiting for me to continue. 

“Because I thought it’d be a good idea to try and help him realize that the reason things went the way they did with Mikey per his sister was because it sounded like Mikey was ashamed of his own skill set because of how talented Carmy was from so young, and he instead of being honest about it- took more of a tough- er- really icey love approach, and just - froze him out. Like threw him in the middle of the ocean to drown without his help for the first time and left him there. Because he thought it would make him tough. But it really just fuckin wounded him emotionally and Mikey had alot of guilt about that and - “ she interrupts my rambling. 

“Dude-“ she chuckles in shock. “Dude….you said that?!” She looks at me for a short second before looking back at the road. 

“Well- n-yeah? Something similar I guess in the moment when he’s looking at me with his sad blue puppy eyes I had a hard fuckin’ time getting anything coherent out. So he flipped his shit and had a panic attack and ran off to go see sugar I guess and then came back at like 7 am and told me he still wants to be with me then knocked out and was sleeping still when I left.” I said and she raised her eyebrows, thinking for a moment. 

“Hmm..well- I’m surprised he came back. He said that? Those words? Tell me exactly what he said when he came back.” She said and I roll my eyes. 

“Why are you the Carmy whisperer or something?” I huff lightly “he said like- ‘It was a lot at once baby it was late and we just fucked like that for the first time and I’ve never been so close to someone while I fucked them and I was too emotionally drained and that’s why I ran but I want you I want this’ “ I paraphrase from memory as best I could. 

“Holy shit what did you do to him?!” She teases with a giggle causing me to start laughing too. 

“What? What the hell do you mean!!” I tap her arm playfully. 

“I’ve never heard Carmen say he wants something emotionally unless it had to do with the restaurant. He doesn’t give a fuck about anything. So…hm…maybe- maybe this is good for him” she said the end to herself more than anything. 

I raised my eyebrows “should I be offended you thought I’d be bad for him?!” I cross my arms and she laughs. 

“You? No. God no. I say that because I knew you were good for him- but I thought he was gonna run himself ragged dodging his own feelings while simultaneously doing everything he can to make you fall for him and keep you interested just like he did to me. But hey- I’m happy genuinely, Pooh that you’re getting out there again. But…fair warning- when he starts acting like an asshole- and he has periods where he’s fully a fucking asshole, I swear it’s like a fuckin’ man period- know that you are gonna be the one we’re calling to get a leash on him cause the only time he acts okay about everything going on is after he sees you.” She said and I felt my cheeks heat. 

Did I really affect his attitude that much?!   “Spray ‘em with a spray bottle, it works on Sephy, he’s very cat-like so I assume it’ll work on him.” I said, and we both laughed.

“Oh my god you never skipped school?!” I asked Syd as we walked up the sidewalk to the coffee shop. 

“My dad would have killed me probably. What did you even do?” She asked and I laugh at all the memories. 

“Oh my god so, in high school- we uh…don’t talk anymore but - my best friend her name was Jane and she had a car first, so we in sophomore year during lunch would go eat out in her car and then…usually I would convince her to skip with me, cause I’m such a devil” 

She snorts a laugh “Fits” she opens the door to the coffee shop for me. 

“Why thank you, but anyway we would like usually drive around and blast music. Or we’d go to my house since my mom was never home and watch movies. And then Chris would get home and we’d fight about him giving me his notes since we were always in the same classes, and he’d tell me I was a fucking cheater - his favorite word.” I laugh a bit, getting in line with her. 

“It sounds like Chris and I would’ve been friends, that’s a cute story though. I always wished I had a sibling.” She said as she looked over the menu. 

“No singletons always say that, but you’d hate a sibling. Think Sadie how she’s all up in your shit, but from the day you were born” I giggle and she shook her head with a smile. 

“Yeah but I dunno. Sugar is super sweet, I wish I had a sister, but I guess Sadie’s close enough” she shrugged, stepping up with me in line. 

“What are you getting?” I asked, looking over the iced options. 

“Vietnamese iced coffee. They do it perfect here. I’ve been telling Carm it would do well on the dessert menu if we had one but, who am I to tell him what to add “ she mutters to herself, annoyance slightly lacing her voice and I nudge her with my hip. 

“Hey,” I nudge her with my hip, causing her to look at me. “He’s a man. He may be a genius chef, but he’s still, a man- make him think it’s his idea, Syd. Do your Sydney chef kid magic “ I did sparkle fingers for added effect, finally earning her dimples back. “Make the best fuckin Vietnamese iced coffee, and have someone else try it. Make him feel left out. And they’ll obviously be like ‘oh my god Syd, this is amazing’ and then, he’s gonna feel stupid if he doesn’t add it.” I said and she rolls her eyes amusedly. 

“I think you’re the Carmen whisperer. Well, you’ll be certified if that works” she said with a smile as we step up to the counter. 

“Hey there, can I have a name for the order?” The barista asked. 

“Winnie!” I replied before Syd could try to weasel her way into paying - again.   

“Ha! Fitting name, love the overalls. What can I get for you?” the barista chirped with a smile. 

“May we please have 2 large Vietnamese iced coffees, oh- and…” my eyes settled on the pastry case in front of us, a brown wicker basket on top filled with cookies in the shape of little bears. 

I grabbed one, handing it to her. “This.” I said and she nodded, putting in the order in her till. 

I double clicked my power button and quickly waved my phone over the till before Syd could think to and she nudged me with her shoulder causing me to smile. “Woops” I teased, taking the bag from the barista containing the little cookie for Carm. 

“You ladies can wait there at the end of the bar there we’ll call out your order, have a good one” she said. 

I nodded “thank you!” I said as we made our way down to the end of the counter to wait. 

“The second I saw those cookies I knew your mushy ass was getting one” she teased, leaning her hip against the counter and crossing her arms over her chest with a smug smirk. 

“Oh like you didn’t know I’m a hopeless romantic” I smiled. 

It wasn’t long until we got our coffees and sat at a comfy corner table. “I’ve never had this before- what is the white is it milk?” I asked and she nods, stirring hers with her straw. 

“It’s sweetened condensed milk. It sounds like it would be sickly sweet but the coffee is so strong it balances perfect. I was thinking…” she leans in so no one would hear. “If we did it, I’ll do like lavender in the milk, of course we’d make our own condensed milk, so I’d steep lavender in it before. Wouldn’t that be fire?!” She asked and I nod with a big smile. 

“You are so fuckin smart, Syd. That sounds amazing you’ll have all the witchy bitches me included coming by just to get that I bet” I stirred mine up and took a sip, nodding. “Totally something you guys would sell” I said and she smiled. I grabbed my phone, opening up the camera. “Smileee!” I said she gave me a silly smile and a thumbs up, coffee foam covering her top lip.

“Perfect” I giggled, sending it to Sadie with the caption ‘Our fave chef kid’ 

I put my phone down and look at her “Okay! You’re not denying me the pleasure of celebrating you any longer- take out your phone and let’s see if you’re nominated!!!” I urge and she bites her lip nervously, grabbing her phone, unlocking it, and setting it on the table. 

“If I got nominated I’ll have an email…you do it- I can’t look. I can’t” she pushes her phone towards me and I eagerly grab it, opening up her email and refreshing it. I smiled wide when I saw the words, clicking open the email and clearing my throat before reading 

‘Dear Chef de Cuisine; Sydney Adamu, 

We hope this email finds you well. 

The James Beard Foundation 2024 Awards Committee would like to extend their congratulations on such a fine year of culinary accomplishments. Your passion to the culinary arts, and dedication to our personal mission at TJBF to celebrate, support, and elevate the standards behind America’s food culture- doesn’t go unrecognized. 

This is why you have been nominated for the for the following awards;

Outstanding Chef ‘

I jump up, wrapping my arms around her with a wide smile, tears pricking behind my eyes. “Syd!!! You did it. You did it. I knew you would” I squeeze her tight. 

“Holy fuck” she grabs the phone, and I watch as she rereads the words over and over “holy fuck.” She whispers, jaw dropped. 

“I told you bitch!! Look at herrr okay!! Syd the chef kid! Everyone better watch out! You skipped right past emerging chef and went straight for the big one! Oh my god I can’t wait for you to tell Sadie!! Oh my god we need to celebrate!!” I pat her arm excitedly. 

“Wait-“ she said, scrolling further I quickly read the rest of the email, my heart sinking slightly when I saw the paragraph she was now stuck on. 

‘You have been nominated among 4 other extraordinary, and talented Chefs in the industry; 

Berzatto, Carmen (Executive Chef) 

Cantina, Jose (Executive Chef) 

Donner, Phillip (Executive Chef) 

Nixon, Jessica (Executive Chef) ‘

“So- they just fuckin’ nominated me against people that are all my senior? Are they joking” she laughs dryly. “And then to pit me against Carmen? What is wrong with them, Winnie?” She locked her phone, putting it back in her jacket pocket. “I just- I’d rather they had given me a fair chance. This just feels like they’re telling me straight up they won’t pick me.”  

“Syd - don’t get down on yourself, what if they put you in there because you’re the only Chef-de-fancypants that deserved it, hmm?” I said with a small smile and she snorts at the silly name. 

“That’d be a long shot…but thanks” she said, squeezing my hand gently. “C'mon- we have to get you to therapy and I need to get back. I should be working on recipes” she said and my frown returns. 

In this way, her and Carm were exactly the same. Whenever she was upset with herself she threw herself into her work instead of feeling. 

“Alright…” I said softly and got up, putting the brown paper bag containing Carm’s cookie in my tote carefully so it wouldn’t be crushed, standing up. 

The walk back to the car was silent, I could tell she was beating herself up and I hated it. 

“Y’know…it’s crazy you even got nominated so young, Syd. Everyone else on that list is at least 3 years older than you are…so like- they see you as deserving already, but it doesn’t even matter what they think, or what Carmen thinks, or what I think. You’re deserving because you know how much you put into your work.” I told her once we were driving again. 

She nodded, “thank you…really it means a lot. I know I’m deserving, I just wish sometimes other people would see it.” She said, and my heart ached. We listened to SZA the whole way, I decided it was better not to push her on the issue. I’d long since realized Syd was the kind of person who had to stew in her anger or hurt for a while, alone- so she was comfortable explaining it to someone else since she knew it like the back of her hand. It was alot how she did her work, she would never show anyone any new recipe she was working on - even Carm - unless she felt it was already deserving of a spot on the menu, because she knew the dish so well, and any possible thing that could make it better- and only approaches someone for final tweaks. 

When we stopped at the Doctors office I lean over and give her a hug. “It’s all gonna be ok, Kid. I love you, i’ll see you friday” I said softly into her shoulder and she rests her head on mine, hugging me close. 

“Thanks…Love y’too. It will be…” she said softly into my shoulder and I pulled away. 

“And I expect you’ll send me that new article to check out when they send it to you yeah? You looked so gorgeous in the pictures they took. Really, I cant wait to see the whole thing” I said and she nodded with a small smile. 

“Course Pooh, C’mon-” she taps the clock that read 1:54 “Gonna be late” she said and I rolled my eyes playfully.

“Yes Mommy” I teased, pushing the door open. “Later kid!” I said as I swung it shut and head in to the building.

Time to rip open some unhealed wounds! Oh what a joy.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

[p-oisn]

let's get positive ! (⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）

(the content below the cut contains mentions of sensitive topics such as implied su*cide & sh so pls scroll if you're uncomfortable w those !)

this is a long rant about life basically .. 💩💩

i was going to make a post like this sometime later anyways bc i felt .. like a nice person ... but i made it a bit earlier than i expected bc i saw a post from oomf that really made me think .. so here u go

this comes from my own PERSONAL experiences and this is js my point of view yk !!! im no expert on any topic HSHSJ this is js the way i cope plz dont come for me in my asks ... i am aware that it isn't the same for everyone but , i hope this message can be helpful to some extent </3

if you feel like like life is leading nowhere n you feel like giving up I PROMISE it will get better bc i felt the same for two whole years n i will say that i have improved a LOT since . yes , it took me longer than i expected but i didn't give up and you shouldn't either ! it was hard n there were times i felt like i wasn't making any progress / improvement but in the end , it still got better

be kinder (to yourself, first) ☆

i think the first step to loving yourself is to forgive yourself .. its okay to try over n over again , you're still human n i think ppl tend to forget that often bc they're so tough on theirselves . let's not forget that your body is actively trying it's best to keep u alive , your WBCs for example ! (let's appreciate these little guys for trying their best 🎉🎉) your body too , deserves to be loved back , for fighting so hard just for YOU! so pls don't hurt yourself in any way </3

appreciate yourself for achieving even the smallest of tasks because even if it wasn't something big , YOU DID IT ANYWAYS ! every small achievement of yours deserves to be appreciated . even if it's momentary happiness , appreciate yourself while it lasts . i understand that sometimes even small things could be such a hassle but you can always reward yourself later ! i personally like to buy donuts everytime i finish something (this could come in handy when you're really craving something if you get what im saying ..)

It's okay if you're going at a slower pace than other people , what matters in the end is that you get it done ! everyone is not the same so it's unfair to put yourself down for such things .. also applies to comparing yourself to someone because in the end you'll still be you .. even if you don't like it .. that makes you unique ofcourse , there's only one of you in this world so embrace yourself for that !! you're one of a kind (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

oh, but, life's the same, it's boring ... ☆

yes , a lot of days could end up being the exact same because like , there are 365 days in a year so you can except most of them to be similar .. but as a new year starts , ofc many things change without you even noticing it , you grow older ofcourse , and you could be starting a new year in school , you meet new people and so on ! if you compare your life from a year ago or even a few months ago to now , you'll surely notice a few differences atleast so .. life is not reaaaaally the same right .... everyday is a new experience ! literally anything and i mean anything could happen the next day , you could even win the lottery who knows 🤫

when i felt like everyday was the same , i tried changing my patterns .. (my current favourite thing to do is go on a walk ! sometimes i take my dog w me , it's super fun) i would do small things that i dont usually do like sketch ! or i attempt cooking something new .. but obviously there were a LOT of days where i did nothing , sometimes even weeks , and that's okay ! we all deserve days where we do nothing ESPECIALLY if you're someone who is working or js in school / college everyday .. you deserve that break

i think a big factor is being unproductive ? don't get me wrong , i still am my same unproductive self at times unfortunately , n sometimes they do get so bad that they lead to a terrible burnout .. n i went through a rly bad burnout not long ago n trust me you do not want to get this far :( how do i deal with this ? (let's take studying as an example here) well i always start off with small portions , even if it's just a page or two . n then i slowly keep increasing the amount of pages i read .. n yes ofc , i understand how brutal burnouts can get sometimes n that's why it's important to not overwhelm yourself by attempting to finish a big portion of your studies in one go .. just take it easy , let the information marinate in your head for a bit before you move on to the next topic .. so basically what im trying to say here is don't overwhelm yourself with big tasks especially when you're already burntout

friends .. they're great ☆

the thing that honestly improved my life by a mile is getting good friends .. I've had my fair share of bad friend groups so trust me when I say this , it's better to be alone than with people who drain you mentally because . you deserve someone who treats you the way you actually want to be treated .

"but it's hard to make friends" i completely get this because i am a very shy person myself </3 but i think you could start by trying to make friends online ! its easy to find someone with similar interests on the internet .. so when you feel down atleast you know that there's someone on the other side of the world who cares for you ..

but this doesn't change the fact that solitude is AMAZING too (tbh i could go on for a really long time on how i love being by myself but this is already getting super lengthy ...) you can be your own friend too ! (okay see now this seems insane but if it makes you happy WHO CARES AMIRITE) i personally enjoy my own company like omg .. she can get a good laugh out of me sometimes ... you can do whatever you want when you're alone ! you can dance to your favourite playlist or experiment with a bunch of stuff ! if you get bored you can watch your favourite movie or consume your favourite piece of media that no one gets like you 🤫 so , as much as making friends sounds great , let's appreciate solitude too !!

ah, life can be beautiful sometimes? ☆

one of the biggest reasons i go on walks almost regularly is to remind myself how beautiful the world can be sometimes .. (atp half of this is me convincing you all to go on walks) i live in a beautiful neighbourhood n there are a lot of different flowers and fruits that grow here and that makes me really happy . going on early morning walks especially is soo fun , the world is so quiet then and you can even watch the sunrise 🥹

another thing is buying myself things i like ... especially clothes ... if you think you would look good in something then js go ahead and buy it ! don't mind what other people think because like ... YOU are wearing it and if people around you have a problem with that then i think they should close their damn eyes and not look at you if it bothers them that much 🤦 you deserve to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin , you deserve to dress the way you want to ! so if you feel like dressing a particular way would make you feel better .. GO FOR IT !!! this applies to other things you like, maybe accessories, merch or stationary that look cute .. it's okay even if people judge you for your style because in the end they're the ones who are boring and miserable because they spend soo much time hating on others 😒

life is soo much more fun when you take care of yourself trust me ... you deserve to be taken care of !! so spoil yourself once in a while i promise it's okay as long as it makes you happy <3

to sum it all up .. yes , good times don't last forever but so don't bad times , and you and i both can get through a bad day because life is still going on (⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ bad times too , will pass . so please believe in yourself and hold on !! i love you

again, this is all how*I* like to cheer myself up so pls don't take anything here in a bad way 😖 all of this was made with good intentions and im so sorry if i still ended up hurting anyone in any way ..

[rwbyrambling]

(10/05/24) - V3E3: The Relationship Growth of Ruby and Weiss and the Dichotomy between Jacques and Winter Schnee

Hello to all my RWBY oomfs, and today, I’m doing a scene analysis of a clip from V3, E3, “It’s Brawl in the Family,” the episode where Qrow and Winter fight. While that fight is amazing and I love it, it is not the focus of this thread. Rather, I will be discussing the scene where Ruby and Weiss meet Winter. This scene had some little moments that I did not pick up on my first watch of the show about a year ago (yes, I am a much newer member of the FNDM), but upon a rewatch, I noticed a few key things I wanted to discuss, namely about the relationship between Weiss and Winter, as well as how the relationship between Weiss and Ruby has developed. This analysis will be relatively long, so I have decided to type this up in a Google Doc and post screenshots to Twitter with a brief summary in each tweet, in addition to the blog being on Tumblr. Whatever format you feel most comfortable with reading. This discussion does not work for a normal Twitter thread, so yeah. Let me know if you enjoy this format, and if not, I will make sure to try something different in the future.

The scene starts with Winter exiting her airship, flanked by Atlesian soldiers. The first noticeable part of this scene to me is the reaction from Weiss. Normally up to this point, we have seen Weiss as this prim and proper heiress. Everything to her has been about maintaining a sort of “mask” in public, where she only lets her guard down around those she is close to (which up to this point, is really only Team RWBY). She maintains a certain distance or haughtiness towards most others, especially around strangers. However, when she sees Winter has arrived, not only do we see a warm, genuine smile on Weiss’ face, which up to this point is a rarity…

What is even more rare than this is what happens after. Weiss at first gently says, “Winter…” before she then shouts her name again and runs towards her in open jubilation. To see Weiss openly display her happiness and emotions like this, especially in a public setting like this, is remarkable. And we can evidently see how surprising this is in Ruby’s expression. Ruby, the person who has consistently tried to earn Weiss’ approval and affection (with fluctuating degrees of success) and repeatedly claims to be Weiss’ “BFF” is utterly stunned at Weiss acting like this.

Her eyebrows are raised, her eyes are widened, and her mouth is agape. While Ruby knew that Weiss admired her sister, this scene to me shows Ruby an entirely different side of her partner. The more child-like, affectionate side of her, to where she drops her guard completely and just acts like a goofy little sister instead of a prideful heiress. However, to Ruby’s credit, she takes this shocking development in stride, and runs right after Weiss to meet Winter.

Now, here comes the main crux of this scene for me: the interaction between Weiss, Ruby, and Winter. Winter begins the conversation by asking how Weiss has been. In typical Beacon Weiss fashion, we see her smug aura activate and she begins gloating with practiced and complete ease. She is top of the sparring class, and all her studies are going well for her. Her posture seems entirely relaxed during this, and she is practically beaming as she’s bragging to her sister. Not anything like I would expect her to act if she was mentioning her accomplishments to her father, that's for sure.

Unfortunately for her, this is not what Winter wanted to hear, and she gives Weiss a good old fashioned bonk, which is strong enough to give her a nice old lump on the head. Now, when I was first watching this a year ago, my first reaction was one of sadness and a bit of anger, because it seemed like Weiss had yet another family member that wasn’t really interested in what was going on in her life, but only how it affected the Schnee name, like her father. At this point in the series, Weiss was not yet my favorite character, but she WAS incredibly close (in fact, the conversation and summoning scene with Winter not long after this was where Weiss was cemented as my favorite forever), so to see this at first was upsetting.

However, very quickly after this, we see that this initial reaction is vastly incorrect. Winter was not bonking Weiss out of a disinterest or cruelty. She was not asking “how have you been” like it was cheap small talk at some gala like her father would, and she was not bonking her for not maintaining a composed appearance and being a braggart, which I could also see her father scathing her for.

No, Winter bonked her because Weiss misunderstood her question. We see this with the following line: “I don’t recall asking about your ranking… I recall asking how you’ve been. Are you eating properly, have you taken up any hobbies, are you making new friends?” We then see Winter give Weiss a small but genuine warm smile. It is small but it IS there, like a more subdued version of the one from Weiss which began the scene. 

This shows that Winter is not really interested in how Weiss can benefit the SDC or the Schnees professionally, but shows that she is instead interested in her personally as her big sister. She is treating Weiss like a little sister instead of an object. While it may be fair to say that Winter is not treating Weiss as a true equal in this scene, it is more of a mentor/student and big sister/little sister dynamic instead of Winter truly treating her as an inferior, like her father would. It is a dynamic built around affection, not manipulation. Winter values her feelings and how she is doing… even if she has to do so in her own way because she’s still in public. Now, enough of the differences between Winter and Jacques for now. We should return to Ruby in this scene, since she hasn’t been mentioned in a while. Despite Weiss’ constant protests against Ruby claiming to be her BFF, Weiss instantly replies to Winter’s question about making friends: “Well, there’s Ruby.”

No hesitation. No shakiness in her voice. Weiss says it immediately and confidently. It may be just because Ruby is right there at that very moment, but I personally don’t see it that way. Weiss has spent so long up to this point trying to distance herself from others or putting up a haughty facade, but here, I think we see a glimpse of the truth. Weiss doesn't say, "oh, I haven't really met anyone I can tolerate," or "yeah, there was this Neptune guy at the dance that I like." She mentions Ruby. Weiss does genuinely see Ruby as her friend at this point and motions to her as such with a smile on her face. This, in turn, elicits a big goofy smile on Ruby’s face as well, creating a nice, warm scene. 

In addition, we get to see Ruby’s tendency to be affectionate with touch here. Ruby gently moves to push down the bonk bump on Weiss’ head. Weiss sees this and acknowledges it with a neutral expression, but does not do anything to stop Ruby from doing so. This to me represents a major shift from V1-2 Weiss to V3 Weiss. Early Beacon Weiss would show dismay or outright horror at the thought of Ruby touching her. The best example of this is in the gag scene in V2 after Weiss loses the board game, where Ruby and Weiss hug and Weiss says the famous “SHUT UP, DON’T TOUCH ME!” line. However, Weiss makes no effort to even pretend like she minds Ruby touching her. She accepts it. For someone as sharp-tongued and brutally honest as Beacon era Weiss, to me, her saying nothing at all speaks louder than most words ever could.

Ah… now comes the best damn part of this entire scene, and the main reason I made this thread: Weiss’ reaction to being touched. Ruby pushes down the bump on Weiss’ head, and this is where the neutral expression of hers fades. It is instead replaced by Weiss closing her eyes and smiling. I think you can have a lot of interpretations in regards to this scene from Weiss. You could say it is embarrassment. You could say it is happiness. You could say it is awkwardness. 

Me personally? I say it is a mix of all three. To me, this is one of the earliest signs of the viewer seeing Weiss for who she truly is: the adorkable cinnamon roll that we all know and love. If you just showed the above picture to someone who knew nothing about RWBY and asked them who the silly one in the scene would be, they probably couldn’t answer you with confidence because they BOTH look like absolute dorks. As RWBY fans, we obviously know at this point that one character is way more of a dork than the other, but here, we see Weiss’ facade fade, if but for a moment, and see the dork underneath her exterior come out.  However, I do think there is another layer to this scene besides the relationship growth between Weiss and Ruby. While this warm scene by itself would be meaningful to me, I think what makes it actually important is where it happened: in front of Winter. The woman who, at the very least, is Weiss’ most important mentor, and at most, is someone that Weiss outright idolizes (to be honest, I fall more on the latter side of that dichotomy, but think that Weiss tries to downplay it a bit more due to wanting to maintain her pride in public. On the inside, I think Weiss is a total Winter fangirl and we see this slip at points, like her defending Winter after Ruby says Qrow kicked her butt.)

I think it’s significant Weiss lets her guard down around Ruby here because of how much she values Winter’s opinion of her. What Winter thinks of her means a lot to Weiss. So… when Weiss says Ruby is her friend and lets Ruby act like a dork with her, it’s like Weiss is saying to Winter: “I trust her. I feel safe around her. I have grown to like her in ways I didn’t expect. Perhaps we aren’t so different after all. Your first impression of her may not be the best, but I promise you that this is someone I have grown to see as a friend. So yes, to answer your question: I am doing well, and I am making new friends.”

I doubt it needs to be said, but this also shows yet another major difference between Winter and Jacques. Jacques would not even remotely care about Weiss making friends, unless they could benefit the Schnee Dust Company. He would find Ruby’s behavior and dorkiness utterly repulsive, and he would berate Weiss for acting like a fool, especially in a public setting. Winter, on the other hand, does not care, and instead decides to quip Ruby by saying she is “appropriately… underwhelming.” We openly see later on how much Winter genuinely does love and care for Weiss, but we can see great hints of it in this scene that can definitely go unnoticed on a first watch.

However, this is not a malicious statement from Winter, but rather one meant to fluster Ruby (which works very well as Ruby responds with a very half-hearted and sheepish “thank you”). Winter shows how she truly feels about the relationship between the two right after when she says, “I wish to thank you for taking an interest in my sister.” Even if she may not personally care for Ruby, she can tell from the little bit of mannerisms and interaction between the two that this is someone Weiss has grown to care about and see as a friend. Her fears are assuaged: Weiss will be just fine at Beacon, because she has people there to care for her and help support her.

And of course, we get to end this nice and wholesome scene that has a lot you can take from it in the span of like, 30 seconds, with Ruby acting like a complete and total fool trying to impress Winter. She does a little curtsy and then almost trips over her own feet. Typical Ruby! But, again, I think even this small gag moment can show something interesting, because it shows that Ruby also cares about how Winter perceives her. There are two parts to this, in my opinion: Ruby may to some extent care about Winter’s opinion directly, but more likely, I think that she wants to impress her since she is Weiss’ sister. Even though she humiliates herself, she doesn’t care because it’s worth trying to impress someone very important to Weiss… because Weiss has become very important to her. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. To be honest, when I had the thought of doing this discussion of this scene, I figured it would be a bit long. This long, however, was a surprise to even me. It took me about 50 minutes to type all of this up while listening to random video game OSTs on Spotify, so I hope you enjoyed the read! Look forward to more in the future. I would also love if any of you guys had a specific WR or Weiss scene you would like analyzed from the first 3 volumes. You can request me to do so, and I happily would. You can even make requests not related to them; it's just that those two topics are my bread and butter. Because I have not finished V3 on my rewatch, I feel I would be much worse at analyzing scenes from V4 onwards, so for now, I would only like to analyze Beacon moments. Thank you! Long live Weiss Schnee and the glorious White Rose. While I am a multishipper and not a toxic shipper by any means, this pairing is definitely one of my all-time favorites, as evidenced by how much I am able to gush about it. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. That, and the fact these are three of my favorite characters in the entire show helps. Let me know if you have any thoughts on this scene! (And right as I finish typing this up, “Winter’s Gift” from the V8 OST comes on Youtube mix! What are the chances!)

[silly-goose-kid]

🍄🍬🎨🌻 :)))

🍄 - share a headcanon for one of your favourite ships/pairings

AUGHHH this is weirdly hard to pick a specific headcanon… okay hm. akito weighted blanket when toya needs grounding/comfort, hair ruffles and pats and kisses et cetera we know the drill. toya often little spoons despite being taller, because akito likes the sensation of holding him; he’s at neck level when they do this and will cover the back of toya’s neck in little kisses. toya really likes watching akito sleep, because he’s always so focused and energetic and driven in the day; it’s very very nice to watch him just be peaceful and soft when he’s sleeping.

🍬 - post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

OHH GOODNESS I don’t have many unpopular opinions I’m a basic bitcg… i feel bad being mean to popular characters lmao

not exactly a popular character buyuuuuut people should do more with harumichi. is he a good dad NO!!!! is he fucking trying Yes. badly? probably but still. there’s sooooo much interesting stuff you can do with him and toya’s Slowly developing relationship and people don’t use that enough (yes i am absolutely guilty of using him for angst but can you blame me my point still stands)

🎨 - link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

OOOO OKAY. hrm. need to think and get links

cuddles - yes i know who sent this ask no i do not care. any akitoya soft cuddles art gets me… same artist akitoya sleepy doodles auuuugh 😭😭 they’re so comfort

staying warm - everyone knew I would link them who cares. gestures of love through gift giving and knowing someone so well, the colour palette with all the browns… again just comfort and love auuuugh

sneepy - can you tell i like cuddles. this one is girltoya so extra flare but just… morning snuggles… toya rarely waking up before akito so it being a nice thing for her to watch him sleep DUMB SLEEPU AKITO help.

also: anything by @/actual-rowlet, @/xulips, and @/buunyuwu (on Instagram)!! might reblog tomorrow to add more when I have better wifi + not sleepy!!!

🌻 - tag someone you appreciate but don’t talk to on a regular basis

HMMM…. idk if i have anyone like this i talk to most of my moots… most people like this are my ao3 commenters not all of whom have tumblr (that i know of). if any of you are reading this: @v1bri i do know your tumblr, flamboyanceiskey, cinnamaow, akitosbiggesthater, and kamisai, I LOVE YOU!!!! there are def others that im forgetting but i loooove all my frequent/recurring commenters so much, it means sm to me that people appreciate my fics <33 also @chifuyunohnashi as an author!!!! one of my favs ever, got me reading a ship I don’t even like

TY OOMF!! <33

also as a treat, on that point about harumichi: a reeeeeeally old wip I wanna finish under the cut

[atopvisenyashill]

What are your thoughts on pol!jon? I’m no fan of j/d but pol!jon feels so out of character and cruel that I really can’t see it

Oof okay that’s an interesting question.

I think there's a lot of elements to the political!jon theory that people tend to just conflate into one big theory similar to how the grand northern conspiracy has some parts that are a little galaxy brained and some stuff that makes perfect sense and has a lot of grounding in the text.

So for anyone who is unaware - I know a lot of my oomfs didn't get into the series until after the show stopped airing - the pol!jon theory came from s7 of the show to explain the absolutely inconsistent and stupid decisions jon makes in s7 and s8. The idea was that, basically, like Torrhen Stark before him, Jon Snow bent the knee to Daenerys at Dragonstone not because he actually wants the North to be tied to the Iron Throne again or because he's loyal to Daenerys but rather because he is attempting to manipulate her; when he realizes that she will not come North to save his people but did cross the Wall to save him he makes the decision to seduce her in order to bring her to the North to defend his people.

Now...a lot of people really dislike this theory. They feel it's too cruel of Jon to do, it's OOC, I've even seen some people say that any sex between them is noncon (which...aight), etc etc. I do understand to a certain point why people think it's out of character for Jon to do this but the thing is...he literally has already done something very similar in canon. Look at his relationship with Ygritte:

Two hearts that beat as one. Mance Rayder’s mocking words rang bitter in his head. Jon had seldom felt so confused. I have no choice, he’d told himself the first time, when she slipped beneath his sleeping skins. If I refuse her, she will know me for a turncloak. I am playing the part the Halfhand told me to play. His body had played the part eagerly enough. His lips on hers, his hand sliding under her doeskin shirt to find a breast, his manhood stiffening when she rubbed her mound against it through their clothes. My vows, he’d thought, remembering the weirwood grove where he had said them, the nine great white trees in a circle, the carved red faces watching, listening. But her fingers were undoing his laces and her tongue was in his mouth and her hand slipped inside his smallclothes and brought him out, and he could not see the weirwoods anymore, only her. She bit his neck and he nuzzled hers, burying his nose in her thick red hair. Lucky, he thought, she is lucky, fire-kissed. “Isn’t that good?” she whispered as she guided him inside her. She was sopping wet down there, and no maiden, that was plain, but Jon did not care. His vows, her maidenhood, none of it mattered, only the heat of her, the mouth on his, the finger that pinched at his nipple. “Isn’t that sweet?” she said again. ��Not so fast, oh, slow, yes, like that. There now, there now, yes, sweet, sweet. You know nothing, Jon Snow, but I can show you. Harder now. Yessss.” A part, he tried to remind himself afterward. I am playing a part. I had to do it once, to prove I’d abandoned my vows. I had to make her trust me. It need never happen again. He was still a man of the Night’s Watch, and a son of Eddard Stark. He had done what needed to be done, proved what needed to be proven.

Now, I don't think this is rape on either side but it's certainly uncomfortable, dubious consent wise, and not meant to be just a straight romantic scene. Ygritte isn't aware - though she does suspect - that Jon hasn't truly joined their side. Ygritte feels he's holding onto his vows out of stubborn pride or perhaps ignorance; she does not suspect he's actually going to betray them, but she can tell he's clearly conflicted over his desertion. Jon, meanwhile, is only having sex with Ygritte to prove he's a true deserter; he is actively manipulating her by playing on her fondness for him and invoking Wildlings customs like bride stealing when they have sex here.

So the idea that political!Jon is out of character doesn't really work because while Jon is clearly guilt ridden over it, he can and has used sex and romance as a manipulation tactic before. As for it being too cruel, well, let's ask Gilly about Jon's capacity for cruelty then hmm?

“You will make a crow of him.” She wiped at her tears with the back of a small pale hand. “I won’t. I won’t.” Kill the boy, thought Jon. “You will. Else I promise you, the day that they burn Dalla’s boy, yours will die as well.”

Jon is quite capable of cruelty when he wants to be just as surely as he's capable of manipulation. This doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt or that he doesn't care for the people he manipulates. On the contrary, I think part of why Ygritte continuously echoes in Jon's mind as a sort of mentor figure is because of the guilt he feels for leading Ygritte straight to her death. When Ygritte briefly opens up to him about a past abusive relationship, he doesn't dismiss her at all, and seems to make an effort to otherwise be kind, affectionate, and loving to her. He's just also planning on betraying her because he feels the Wildlings as they are currently organized are too dangerous to just be set free on the unsuspecting North (and he's not wrong - his alliance forces the Wildlings to put down their arms, yes, but it also empowers the Wildlings to come to the negotiation table as equals, as people of Westeros rather than as nameless, faceless barbarians).

So no, I don't really think it's OOC for Jon to realize that the enemy he is facing is too dangerous to deal with as is but if he maneuvers them in such a way that they have to listen to him and negotiate as equals, he can keep his own people safe while in a prime position to deal with the threat if it gets out of control. He is also capable of ruthlessness - the entire battle at the ending of ASOS, killing Qhorin, the baby swap, killing Janos Slynt, etc - and cruelty and sexual manipulation.

I also think - and basically everyone agrees, it's not just me - that their "romance" is written incredibly badly and weirdly. So much so that I think it made sense that people would wonder if Jon has an ulterior motive. I reblogged this gifset to my personal a few years ago and you can really see Jon is just over everything that's happening on Dragonstone, he's incredibly unimpressed with Dany, he refuses to even indulge in her fantasies the way he does with Ygritte (like when Ygritte makes that "oh let's disappear into the caves" comment, Jon is wistful! He brings it up as she's dying to comfort both of them! He doesn't like what he's been doing even though he feels it's necessary!), and I know Kit has never been particularly gifted at emoting but he looks just straight up miserable the entire time he's with Dany.

So...even back in s7, I didn't think Jon was actively plotting to murder Dany but I did think he was manipulating her to get the end goal he wanted (protection for the North) and that there was a high chance he was going to turn on her later when the time was right. It wasn't like he was thinking "alright so once the Long Night is ended, here's my twelve step plan to get Dany off the throne and murder her" but I do think he felt like well, once the Long Night is dealt with, there's still a lot of other problems we have to deal with and who knows what might happen as those problems arise. I never thought he was interested in her long term. Some people seemed to think that was beyond the pale but like, that's literally how he felt about Ygritte - he never considered this a long term relationship even if it was a serious one.

If we get anything like that in the books - Jon seducing Dany to get close to her dragons - I generally imagine it going that once he figures out how to ride one of the dragons, he just makes off with it and leaves her high and dry. Maybe he plays up the "we're the blood of the dragon" angle as a distraction of some sort. But like - is he actively manipulating her specifically to usurp her? No. But is he worried about the North and willing to once again put his sexuality, emotions, honor, and body on the line to protect it? Yeah, I think that was the initial plan when they wrote s7 and if Joner.ys happens, I do imagine it's going to go like that; not actively trying to kill her (anymore than he was actively trying to kill Ygritte) but definitely using her feelings for him to get the goal he's aiming for (protection for the North).

[juieon]

OOMF HOW WAS THE SHOWWWW GIVE US A RECAP W PHOTOS

IT WAS AMAZINGGGG OH MY GODDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I WAS LOSING MY MIND EVERY MINUTE AFTER THE OTHER it was so good they are such amazing performers i am so lucky to have attended their tour 😭 I WILL SHOW PICS aka ss i took of my videos bc i could not take pics since i was not standing still for a second 😭

SUNWOO IS SO HOT I AM SO UNWELLLLLELDL he did not talk that much omg why is he quiet irl 😭 but the way he moves 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I WANT YOU 🤣🤣🤣🤣 he wore that skin tight shirt and the way his torso moved when he danced 😂👍 AS FOR THE OTHER MEMBERS THAT YES THEY WERE THERE it wasn't just sunwoo.... eric is SUCH A SWEETHEART 😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖 i want to be his friend so bad... i'm 🥹 bc i got to see him in his hometown 🥹🫂💖 he was so good such an outstanding performer and his pink hair 😭💖 they are all so sweet and funny 😭 they talked about la (hyunjae ate chick fil a... aren't they homophobic?? but bc he said he liked i have to try it now 😔) and said we were so energetic they were so happy to perform in la since they hadn't been as a group in a while! juyeon loves la and the lakers now i want a lakers jersey 😭🤞 he is so funny and JUYEON he is so hot lol everytime i saw him move woah... he was very engaging during the ments 🫶 AND CHANGMIN 🤣🤣🤣🤣 ANYONE ELSE GO CRAZY FOR KYUUUWIKDKDKD changmin was giving it his all i wish i'd focused a bit more on him at times my changminnie 😭 the girl behind me was screaming so loud for yh i kept looking forward to him being on screen jsut for that... i lost my mind during that one line he has in the stealer i remember being a baby deobi and being obsessed with him in that song 😭🫂 kev HE IS SO WONDERFUL 😭 so humble and sweet and a fan among fans 🥹 i wish i was friends w him 😭 one of his favorite performers was there to support him 😭🫂 also CHANRHEEANA GRANDE ???? SANGYEON AND JACOB ???? hello SINGERS ????? they were doing high notes like it was NOTHING in between dancing omg also ofc sangy 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 he is soooowodkdkskdkd AND MY HAKNYEON 😭😭🫂😭🫂😭🫂😭 hak has a special spot in my heart for so many reasons i was so happy to see him i wish he had talked more 🥹 also hyunjae oh my god he looked so good in the cutout outfit and time for dogs and wolves is anyone insane or is it just meeeekeosowkdldk i have to see them ten more times so i have time to focus on every one of them 🤭

ANYWAY ABOUT THE SHOW my favorite outfits were the black ones ofc 🤣🤣🤣🤣 sunwoo's hot spiderman-ish shirt i'm drooling throwing up moaning.... the best songs FOR MEEEE were reveal DUHHWHJWKDKSI and watch it omg i have been looking forward to it since it came out 😭😭😭😭 i also lsot my mind during the stealer OBVIOUSLYYYYYY but i'm so *÷($[@(#($(#( i got to see tattoo, breaking dawn??÷(#(#[#[#[, right here, ddd, survive the night, levitating, back 2 u, which were songs i never imagined i would see live 😭

as for the whole experience it was so nice 🫶 deobis were sooooo nice there were so many freebies MY 98ZIP KEYCHAIN IF 98ZIP HAS A MILLION FANS... it's so cute and well made and she is so pretty i wish i'd talked to her more but i was shy lol she loved my mamuljju 🤭 everyone looked so good the outfits were amazing!!!! i saw some peruvian and mexican fans and said hi to them MI GENTE LATINO 🫂😭 but i will say the crowd was not as engaging as i thought they would be? i knew la is among the idk if i should say craziest? best? loudest? in the us but i felt like i was the only person dancing and screaming 🥹😭 i guess it was a cultural difference which is ok, at first i was a bit shy but then let loose lol it would have not felt complete to me if i hadn't been singing and dancing like i do back home 🥹 but i had such a great experience!!! i love california 😭🫶 tbz said they would come back to la for sure and i am so upset they better go to chile or come back to la in a date i can travel 😭 i just have to see them again 😭 i'm even thinking about cancelling my kcon plans so i can see them in san jose 😭

back to sunwoo sorry he is so good i said he was quiet but he put it all into his performance i was dying i'll post videos later i have some decent few seconds every few songs 😭 i was losing my mind all the time i started swearing in spanish LMAO after they mentioned fans singing he asked does anyone speak korean and i jumped out of my seat like PICK MEEE CHOOSE MEEE LOVE MEEE i was on my (fake) trilingualism last night 😭

some ss of my videos 🫶 i filmed the stage too but my phone's 10x zoom is not that good and i could not keep still LMAO someone filmed him for me allegedly so i'm waiting for those videos 👹 i'll upload if they're good i'll be screaming in every single of them

[sugar-omi]

no because if my cute overpriced lingerie wasn't in the way??? he woulda tore my shit OPEN. but i will say that having him do that was a MASSIVE ego boost bc touching on me had the mf whimpering and muttering "fuck, you're soaked" into my shoulder

this continued for a little while, if only because every time i started shaking a little more violently, archie would bat saro's hand away and like . tut at him a little

"ah, ah. not yet."

and both he and i would WHINE, which like . okay i get why I'M whining bc i'm being edged to hell and back but why are YOU whining??? are you THAT desperate to have your fingers in my cunt???? do you want to feel me fall apart in your arms that bad?????? i know what you are good sir

and archie thankfully has a little mercy on me. directs his attention to saro and scoffs a little, albeit playfully,,, and starts talking bout sum

"you can't seriously be that pussy hungry, can you? god, you're pathetic."

and the noise saro let out was OBSCENE, i admit... but i must confess that i FELT what those words did to him before i HEARD them, iykwim. ;))

I LOVE THIS. I. I NEED TO WRITE WITH THIS SHIT NOW..... OH MY GOD... OH MY G O D.

I love that so much. usually guys are all cocky like "haha, so wet for me 😼" and it's like shut UP!! BUT WHIMPERING BC YOURE WET... N HES ENJOYING IT SOMEHOW.... OHHH THATS A NEW ONE N SO COVE CODED. HE WOULD WHINE ABT THAT YES YES

n omg whining because he can't make you cum yet... that's so crazy, I love that.... I need that for me so bad omg...

and AGAIN. IM SO OBSESSED WITH MR DAZZLING BEING IN CONTROL LIKE THIS I AM GOING TO CRYYY THIS IS SO ?!?!&@&!) THIS IS SO CRAZY OOMF. HOW IS THIS HAPPENONG TO U OH MY GODDD

[kroosluvr]

Do you have any shio within P2? TatsuJun is a given (and canon, fight me) and i know P2 isnt exactly a game where romance could bloom lol, but still, based on the character dynamics, are there pairings you like? Platonic stuff as well

YES. OMFGDFKJGHSKJ ok so yes yes yes i am obsessed w tat/sujun... they make me tear up all the timeee theyre so sweet and i love them

HERE ARE OTHER SHIPS THAT I LIKE,

anna x lisa (HEAR ME OUT. OKAY. ETERNAL PUNISHMENT UNIVERSE/THIS SIDE.) tldr lisa learns that anna is close friends w her crush tatsuya so shes like aha i should get close to her too!!!! but anna is just so caring and sweet towards lisa completely obliviously that shes like Wait a second. anyway i'll live and die by thsi because it's sooo cheesy adn cute and i have to draw them again I NEED MORE PPL TO UNDESRAND ME (also since my delusion is from this side before shit starts going down there IS room for romance. <- copium

eikichi x tatsuya: yeah. Yeah. dudes who r guys etc.

eikichi x hanakouji: obviously peak.... i REALLY loved the little developments of eikichi's character throughout p2 and the moment when he embraced hanakouji BUDSGHJDKAJGW do u want me to die. theyre so cute and SUPER CUTE IN EP

EP gang ships: i like all of them. bias towards ul/abao but i love all of them dearly. if i think abt it baofu is my fav out of the 4 so i think i fixate on him the most... i want him to be happy. (on that note have u read pulse.txt today. well u shld. mind the explicit warning tho ehe)

oomf on twt mentioned jun/eikichi too and i was vrey intrigued. adn i saw a lisa/eikichi art like yetserday and i was also very intrigued. im impartial towards tatsuya/lisa myself as well tho i like unrequited love so HEHHHE

not a romantic ship but also tatsuya/anna's friendship is SO important to me broooo akghsdkvg it acutally punches me in the gut how close she is with this side!tatsu and how she's in a much better place in EP bc she's not alone??!?!? and also i feel very strongly abt IS!anna being close with jun (through Joker) and EP!anna being close with tatsuya but not both in the same universe. idk but its so tragic :') as u can tell anna's my fav chara (besides tatsu) so i just uuwah ueeeueee IW ANT HER TO BE HAPPY SO BAD

im ok about anna/noriko!!! not crazy abt it but i think noriko's puppy crush is cute. as i said i love unrequited love trope so idk i like the idea of it remaining as just a crush btwn them

i think theres also def room for me to like ships w the p1 guys (yukino elly nanjo) BUT I NEED TO FINISH P1 FIRST SO I GET TJHE FULL GIST AUUFSGJDGHW but whenever i look at ao3 i see like nanjo/katsuya and im just so intrigued but i want to finish p1 so i get the full nanjo picture first...... soon..soon clenchfist

ANYWAY I THIJNK I COVERED EVERYTHIGN HERE BUT TTHIS IS JUST THINLY VEILED ANNA/LISA PROPAGANDA SORRY. COUGHS INTO SLEEVE

[thecapricunt1616]

i’m not sure if you take suggestions but i think you would absolutely body a fic based on the song “diet pepsi” by addison rae 👀 the music video reminded me of something you would write

Hey you!!!🩷

I really need to update my requests to closed (doing that rn - also- you will be my last request I accept before I finish my inbox/promptober before doing the 25 days of Christmas I have planned so if you pop something in the inbox don’t expect it until around January!)

You introduced me to this song - and can I just say

“Miss Addison Rae- I didn’t know you got down like that!!!!”

Like OKAYYYY Baby Spears!!!! I am so obsessed that she’s making Pepsi cool again!! She makes me want to say “pepsis good!” When my waitress says “we don’t have Coke products! Is Pepsi ok?”

YES. ITS OK. ILL FEEL LIKE MISS MA’AM ADDISON DRINKIN THAT DIET PEPSIIIII!!! 🥤😍🥤😍🥤😍

I love this ask. I hope you’re still out there anon! Feel free to mark yourself with an emoji!!!

I love this idea for Carmy - but EVEN MORE for Richie / Young GF reader!!

Just drop in my inbox and tell me who’d you rather have!!! Can’t wait to write this.

It may be a second because I’m trying to get prompt&kinktober written ahead of time, & also have 2 novellas to write (self inserts for close oomfs) so it will be a moment but idk abt you this song will slap for a LONG TIME!!!

I’m soooo hype for this !!!

[taylorrepdetective]

I actually kind of am feeling the same about TTPD promo. I love Taylor like I have a fan tumblr lol but I feel like I’m almost tired of her like there’s too much to keep up with AND care about at the same time. Nothing is exciting when everything is exciting.

I just wrote this long rambling answer to this but in the process, I think I sort of figured out why it feels off (for me). It’s because based on what she did in the last 8 months or so, it feels like she’s not really going to do anything more to promote this. She’ll finish this leg of the tour this weekend, fly off into the sunset with boyfriend, spend the next 6 weeks occasionally being seen with boyfriend, and then drop the album, it’ll be fun for a week, but it’ll be all “oh it’s so joever and Travis is so amazing,” and then she’ll go back to boyfriend, and then tour and boyfriend. And it just feels very boring. While boyfriend was fun for a while when we were trying to figure it out and see if she to the goal of the Super Bowl, it has definitely gotten boring (for me.) This may not be what will happen, but at this moment it feels like that’s what will happen. So there’s no sense of excitement for anticipation for what she might do, like I’m used to. Just looking forward to hearing the music, and yes that’s nice for sure, but it’s not what we’re used to from her. I’m not even feeling like there’s going to be a video (there may be, but I’m talking about what it feels like.)

Again she might do a lot. She might do something amazing and/or shocking and unexpected and fun and what have you. And that’ll be great. But the album promo is not giving that vibe at all.

Maybe the real issue is what you basically have said: with tour and TVs, and boyfriends, and superbowls, and TTPD and Grammys it’s too much after years of mostly only getting music out of her. It’s like we all now have that overstimulated ADHD short attention span brain with her that just keeps asking for more and more and doesn’t absorb what she gives us. When she was quieter, it was easy to absorb what she gave us, because there would be droughts.

I’m not saying what I think about this matters to her, because I am not a “normal” fan. Her “normal” fans and the GP are still fascinated and will buy her stuff and continue being interested because they believe in the Toe drama and in the “so happy with Travis who is perfect for her” angle. And she has SO MANY NEW FANS for whom this will be their first album drop. But for me, happy to have a new album. Now I will go do my work instead of talking about a bunch of Taylor swift stuff with oomfs.

[adobodemon]

New Years Resolution Manifestation Rant Listicles

and yes I'll put it under Read More for all of our sakes. Happy New Year 2014 everbody!!

Prelude: Who I want to be

lemme be real for a sec. I am going to be turning a serious age this year. rhymes with flirty. I have had time to get grown but now it's time to get wise! It's time for me to get behind the wheel of my life again. I felt like I was behind it 4 years ago but We All Know What Happened. It Is Happening To All Us. Coming back home to my parents stunted my growth a little and also I feel it erode at my current friendships. I feel like I'm doing a good job of improving myself, but this year I need to improve my relationship to others. So yeah in short, less autopilot, more hangouts with friends, less overwork, more hobbies...

How will I go from Consoomer and Doomer to Improover and Dooer?

1. Be more consistent with what I want to practice - that goes for working out, digital art, other hobbies I may want to pick up... saw a Tiktok once saying that we need to pick up slow activities again bc clearly, the need to be instantly gratified has poisoned almost every aspect of our lives. InstaGrat also helps us be in autopilot a lot easier, we can't think, we can't breathe, we can't taste our food before swallowing it down. this year I'm going to change that by planting a lot of seeds that I may not see bloom for weeks, months, years even!

2. Approach people with curiosity - not the best communicator as I've said many different times on this blog. I always catch myself trying to make the conversation about myself and how I can relate to it instead of asking the other person more about themselves or what they think. I've seen enough thinkpieces on other sites recommend this that I might as well try it for myself and see how it works out.

3. Get off my damn phone - already made steps towards this! Tiktok and IG are gone from my phone, whenever I go into a huge timesink like Tumblr (sorry) or Discord I set it up so I get an annoying pop-up telling me all the other things I could be doing! (I will share this Shortcut w anyone who needs it, iPhone exclusive tho sorry)

4. Appreciate all the stuff I have - while I am nowhere need as bad as my mom who needs to go to Burlington and buy 3 whatchamacallits or else she has a nervous Boomer breakdown, I do admit I own and have access to a lot of things I take for granted, like books, games, tools like my iPad, PC, etc. I will fight against analysis paralysis, I will squeeze the life out of all that I own, I won't spend another day bored inside my head if I don't have to.

5. Collect. Organize. Do. - one of my oomfs indirectly changed my Youtube algorithm for the good and I've been getting a lot of videos from Improovtube. skimmed through a video that suggested a neat system for getting things done: Collect your thoughts and desires. Organize your tasks. Do the things that make it happen. and just like that every self improvement book I've read is useless. lol no but really it's crazy that that's all it boils down to. I will investigate more on this system but for now this seems like a good modus operandi.

Epilogue: Specific non-specific goals

Completing my year long art practice regimen

Reading more of my physical books and manga (and I get to see their spines when I finish :D)

Bigger boobs

Becoming a homeowner

Homoeroticism

Going to at least 5 group activities and meeting new people there

[just-some-random-blogger]

Hey, I just had an idea for what happened in Character Development skskks

After what happened to that disaster, the reader decided to ignore Joel cuz she done being with him being an "ugh," ya know? She desurvvvv. And Joel, being what he is, tries to um get notice by her, but failed everytime (I really forgot her name, but the one who's Joel supposed to "court" is with him then he spotted the reader, he be like nyooom but the reader is already poof! Gone). That Ellie had to have to make fun of it, like she being a little shit as usual. And the woman he "courting" is really confused by his behaviour and said, 'Ghurl, I'm outta here, you weird'

Then, someday, he noticed that whenever he sees her, she already had a bunch of flowers like a random ones that you picked out from some grass and bushes, holding it with a soft smile on her face, making him shuffle to the core and get jealous, and ask her but the reader answered, annoyed by his insistence: "Someone." and she's out.

Then, another day with a makeshift wrapped gift that has a card with a hand drawn heart. What really triggered him tho was a home cooked snack that tasted a little bit sussy (said by others, maybe Ellie), asked why she's still eating it, she said, "It's the thought that counts blah blah blah" making Joel getting more oomf. The other person jokingly said, "What? You gonna say yes to him now with all this wooing lmao." she answered with a wink. "Maybe"

And that my friend sets Joel off the space. My man said he ain't gonna back down, so he confronted her, then a whole ass argument happened, like shouting there, shouting here. The suprise was that all those gifts she was getting were from a little boy who had a crush on her, wooing her lolol (just thought's cute and hilarious hehe) making Joel embarrassed from what he's acting.

You can choose what is ending it be, but please make it a happy ending. My poor heart can't handle angst again... also add Ellie finding out what happened and making fun of his old man

heya nonnie! i gotta say, when I saw this I was really excited then really nervous HAHAHAH. i'm so honored that you got so into my fic to not only want another part, but to as well as send me this ask with a detailed plot. what you just gave me is a full on fic tbh and I am not in the business of rewriting someone else's brain child.

I think it's a really cute idea but it's not at all what I envisioned this fic to progress if I ever made a part two. I think if you really want a joel fic with that plot/theme, maybe write it! hopefully you could tag me and my fic if you do! I'd love to read it as well.

BUT! you should know i have decided to make a p2 😌 cos of the bad influence @sloanexx who should be thrown in JAIL. i love her but the way our minds just link should be illegal cause what about my sanity?

cheers nonnie!

[mainfaggot]

enhypen homosexuality to heterosexuality scale ranking because i am mainfaggot and this is part of my duties given my title.

here we go:

1. sunoo

have u seen this man. he outserves in every fancam. an all rounder. singer, dancer, face card, charmer, insanely versatile w concepts. hes also really funny unintentionally (prerequisite for being gay). anyway endless praises aside, this guy is gay. i know this because he told me via tumblr dms. end of story NEXT BOY!.

2. niki = sunghoon

these two are either really gay but also in denial and are thus playing up the straight boy vibe, or they r just really painfully heterosexual. i cannot tell honest to god. oomf once said sunghoon gives a lesbian energy and i want to agree just bc he's another case of the unintentional comedian with a pretty face but also i truly do not know. niki is so confusing idk maybe hes just a guy with sisters maybe he's gay maybe he's both (see: kai Kamal from txt)

3. jungwon = heeseung

these two. ok yeah so I think theyre the type of people that just happen to have gay friends or have experience hanging around gay people . so they by accidentally turned into allies. yippee. heeseung would say something mildly offensive to a lesbian but I know jungwon has the spirit. once again. i have inside sources

4. jay

he probably read a book about homosexuality for fun once and knows about the political aspect of existing as an lgbt. has a few homophobic friends. may also be friends with a gay person but never addresses their sexuality because hes awkward as fuck.

5. jake

hes straight. i don't want to talk about it

ok thanks for reading im not serious yes I am no I'm not

[hyunverse]

ur so right that totally makes sense. i am such a hopeless romantic and i swear that’s one of the things that makes me so attracted to hyunjin. like he’s just so emotionally intelligent yk ?? he just gets it. and i love that he shows his love for things (love itself specifically) through his artwork. i’ve always done the same so it’s so nice to have an idol that i feel like is so similar to me yk? he’s 100% a man written by a woman

okay it’s also wednesday where i am and i’m in the est time zone so we’re or 13 hours apart i think ??? i know absolutely nothing about time zones but i know that’s in the uk LOL (which is so cool btw. i have a lot of family in the uk bc my dad is an immigrant from australia and his parents were immigrants from the uk and malta) ALSO so cool you’re also an older sibling, how many siblings do you have? i have two bio and three half ^_^ and def never hurts to ask imo 😏 skz is skz 😏

you made me blush 🤭🤭 i feel like i could talk to you about anything too. even tho we literally just met i’m already so comfy w you. what’s ur zodiac sign ?? that always makes more sense for me when i get along so well w ppl >:)

AND YES CAN WE PLS TALK ABOUT HYUNJIN W THE PIERCINGS 😩. listen, edited or not, the tongue piercing is gonna do it for me every time. and then. the surprise belly button one. dude. i screamed. AND STRAWBERRY BLONDE MINHO PLS BRING IT HERE. and yes seungmin at mama awards was so good like we need to see more forehead from him. it always makes him look older i feel like, which is such a good thing bc i can find him sexy instead of just absolutely adorable. in the recent racha vlog w the maknaes, i was actually baffled at how effortlessly perfect seungs hair is. like he just flicks it back and it looks like it took 45 mins to style it ??? how ??? and why not me ??? blue hyune and seungmin would kill me. but i will say, if we got blue han again…. i don’t think i’d survive. like genuinely i would pass out. and yes let’s pls go on a little expedition and raid all their shampoo so we can get what we want 😇😇😇

- 🐈‍⬛

ME TOO STOP I'M LIKE, THE BIGGEST HOPELESS ROMANTIC I KNOW LOL i'm the type to write love letters and i feel like hyunjin would get me. i long to receive love letters tbh ☹️ i've never received flowers. i've never received even a love note without having to beg for it and it SUCKS. so i decided to screw men and stan hwang hyunjin instead <3 call me a girlboss or wtv!!!

13 HOURS APART??? i'll cry RN. me and my beloved moots always have such huge timezone difference, not u too my love </3 the universe is unfair </3 ooo is it snowing rn where u are? my british oomfs' places r snowing and god, it seems so magical to me. malaysia doesn't experience the four seasons, so i've never experienced neither winter or autumn lol. alwaaays summer here. i've always dreamt of studying in the uk, oxford or cambridge specifically. hopefully i'll get to one day! reaaaally wanna experience snow hehe. i have two siblings!! a little brother and a little sister. they are a pain in my ass but i'd give my kidney to them tbh. u have quite a lot of siblings omg T_T how do u cope T_T

AAA I'M SOFTT U R SO CUTE <3__<3 i'm a leo! i'm not really one to believe in astrology but i will listen 2 any of ur rambles abt it hehe.

NO CS LIKE WHEN I SAW THE BELLY BUTTON PIERCING. I. HAD. TO. PAUSE. WAS FLABBERGASTED AND STARING AT THE SCREEN LIKE? HWANG HYUNJIN? WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOUR? JHDNJHBD AND it's so funny that ure mentioning seungmin's forehead too cs like, jokingly (maybe not really jokingly) i put "i want to see more of seungmin's forehead" as my new years resolution ^__^ it's a valid resolution ok. i gotta do what i gotta do 🤓 the racha log was so heart-warming 🥹 just our boys being boys. playing games together. super duper wholesome, i melted at the sight, especially jeongin 🥹 baby bread just eating some fries while playing. so so endearing. ure right, seungmin's hair is effortlessly beautiful. wonder how it would be like to run my fingers through his hair. . . 💭 lets go im driving to da cuties dorm and we are gonna blast skz the whole time, baby!

[stikybug]

Hey om fandom

Pokes you ALL, i know this fandom is active as all hell on tumblr so answer me. Would you guys be interested in a sin swap + role swap au. particularly a blog dedicated to this