#yes he sees dean as an example of how a kid is supposed to be raised that jaime should follow.

[trannydean-moved]

here's a big long thing i already had typed out on another platform. it's for the hunter!jaime au.

i want to think that jaime never went on a hunt with john and his boys because of several reasons;

1) jaime's parents forbade him from going on hunts until he was 16 (which he turned after his parents died and he ran away, so he never would've gotten to go on a hunt while his parents were alive).

2) dean would never agree to jaime's pleads on helping him sneak himself on a hunt with sam, dean, and john, because dean doesn't want jaime around john anymore than he has to be. he doesn't want his dad corrupting the most important person in his life other than sam. he doesn't have it exactly in his head like that, but he sort of knows that everything his dad touches, he corrupts, and dean doesn't want that to happen to jaime.

BUT listen. i'm thinking one time somewhere between 1993-1996. sam and dean have been acquainted with jaime and jackie for a few years now. jaime's and jackie's parents have started letting them stay at bobby's some of the time, to give jackie's parents a break from babysitting the two cousins when jaime's parents are on hunts. sometimes the winchester boys are there at the same time as jaime and jackie, and bobby complains that he isn't running a daycare, but he loves all those kids like they're his own, so he doesn't actually mind.

this takes place one of the times all four kids are at bobby's. dean and jaime have yet another argument about jaime hunting. or, jaime trying to convince dean to sneak him along during a hunt with john and the boys. they get a bit more hot under the collar than usual, and sam and jackie end up butting in to break up the fight.

then john drops by unannounced to bring the boys on a hunt. jaime gets the idea to smuggle himself along, and while everyone else is distracted, jaime gets in the trunk and crams himself in the back, praying that john doesn't open it before they leave.

he doesn't. jaime doesn't get discovered until they get to the location of the case--i'm thinking around tallahassee, florida, because florida is pretty far away and that's the first place in florida i came up with.

john first stops to interview the latest victim's family of some sorta monster (idk what yet, idk if it matters to this or not) and jaime is starting to get tired of being in the trunk. it's stuffy, he's been in there for over a day of him in the same confined place. he's hungry, hungrier than he's ever been in his entire life, and he's getting grumpy. he bangs his fist against the back of the trunk.

the startled scream from dean on the other side of the trunk is almost worth all the time jaime spent getting jostled around and starved in the trunk. jaime pounds on the back of the trunk again and yells for the boys to let him out.

he hears the back doors open and shut, and a moment later, the trunk opens. sam and dean stand there shocked for a minute while jaime gets out of the trunk, shuts it, and complains about being hungry.

dean sputters "how did--i told you that you can't ever come with us!" "too late now," jaime grins in return. "you are going to be in so much trouble," dean hisses, just as john is coming back. sam and dean spin around guiltily as they hear john bark their names.

john demands to know why the hell jaime is here. jaime replies that he sneaked into the trunk to come along on a hunt, because he'd been really wanting to go on a hunt for a while and his parents wouldn't allow him to.

john huffs, and dean suggests quietly that they should take jaime back home before they continue the case. jaime, feeling betrayed, glares at him, while john says they can't do that, because denver is half a continent away, and they can't just drive back as soon as they got to the location of the next hunt. "no, i'll call [his] parents and tell them where [he] is, and then we'll continue the hunt. jaime will just have to join us."

jaime is shocked about john actually letting him be on the hunt, but excited. dean is definitely uneasy about this. he knows jaime is several years older than dean was the first time he went on a hunt, and jaime has been trained by his parents + has gotten some pointers from bobby, so it wasn't like jaime was walking in blind. but still, he'd never been on a hunt before, and it scared dean to think of all the different things that could happen to jaime.

john drives the kids to the cheapest motel, rents a room, and drops them off to go interview more families of recent victims. as soon as he's gone, dean blows up on jaime, telling him how much danger he could be in for coming along. jaime scoffs, saying that just because he's younger than dean, doesn't mean that he is helpless. he then points out that sam is younger than him, and sam comes along on hunts too. dean replies that sam sits in the car while dean and their father do the hunting, so he's not in any real danger. jaime says "if you think i'm sitting the car throughout this, then you're thinking wrong, asshole."

meanwhile, bobby and jackie have obviously noticed jaime is gone, and at first bobby thinks that jaime just went to hide in the junkyard after his fight with dean, which jackie had informed bobby about. but after a couple hours, the two began to get worried, and they had searched the entire salvage yard top and bottom, finding no sign of him.

they then search the house, because maybe jaime had been in there the whole time and not actually in the yard. when they don't find him there, bobby begins to get genuinely worried. he doesn't call jaime's parents for another few hours, after he had searched the woods around his place and still couldn't find any sign of jaime. jaime's parents are in the middle of a hunt and can't come themselves, but jackie's parents are able to (since they don't hunt).

by the time john calls jaime's parents to tell them where he is, it's the next day, jackie's parents have made the 9hr drive from denver to sioux falls, and nobody has slept a wink the entire time. jaime's parents are horrified to learn their kid is on a hunt in florida over twenty hours from their current location, with about the worst person they could think of their child being under the care of.

they demand for john to bring jaime back to bobby's place. john scoffs, and tells them no, he's going to finish this hunt before taking jaime anywhere. jaime's mom threatens that if jaime gets hurt before he is brought home, she will send john's ass to hell. john rolls his eyes, grumbles that there isn't any way he can make any promises, "and you know that", and hangs up. jaime's parents are flabbergasted over the fact that john had the balls to hang up on them, but decide to call bobby to let him and jackie's parents know where jaime is so they can stop worrying and looking fruitlessly.

jaime's parents debate on whether they should head to florida to pick up jaime, but ultimately decide that by the time they'd wrapped up their hunt and got to florida, john would probably have finished his hunt and could've been on the way back to sioux falls already. they just have to hope jaime has enough common sense to keep himself safe.

now, back in tallahassee. john had come back to the motel with grub for the kids, and jaime was scarfing it down, because he hadn't eaten for over twenty-four hours by now. dean warns him to eat slower, but jaime ignores him, and ends up throwing everything back up because he ate too fast. john grunts "you got warned", and jaime is just burning with shame and embarrassment, while sam offers jaime a sympathetic look, and sneaks jaime some of his own food. dean does, too, careful to make sure john doesn't notice--he would've told them not to give jaime any of their food, because they needed it to be able to concentrate on the hunt.

while they eat, john tells them their next move, what they're going to be doing on this hunt. he asks jaime if he has any experience with firearms, which jaime replies "uh, yeah, of course i do". dean gives jaime a warning look, while john mutters "at least your parents are doing something right". it's a big argument between john and jaime's parents with how they are raising jaime.

idk the hunt goes on, john tests jaime to see how well he is with a firearm. as in he puts jaime in a compromised position where jaime has to defend himself against the creature/s they are after. dean is absolutely horrified at this, but jaime is able to hold his own and slow down the creature/s enough for john and dean to come in and finish the job. john offers jaime a "that wasn't too bad, kid", which makes dean feel awful because he himself hardly gets compliments like that from his dad, and jaime feels sick to his stomach from the combination of the blood and gore of the hunt and the fact he knows john almost never compliments dean like that.

later, dean quietly asks john how he knew jaime would've been able to hold his own until he and john could get to him. to dean's horror, john replies that he didn't; "i figured if the kid had good enough instincts and was smart enough, [he] would've been able to take care of [himself]. and apparently [he] is". dean swallows, then whispered, "but what if [he] hadn't been?" john looks at dean and says, "you know what would've happened. there probably wouldn't be enough of [him] left to burn".

after they clean up the body/ies of the monsters, they all head back to bobby's place. during the drive, jaime (who is sitting in the middle seat between sam and dean) falls asleep on dean's shoulder, and dean covers jaime up with his own jacket. john watches this through the rearview mirror. dean notices and meets john's eyes through the reflection for a moment before dean looks away.

they make it to bobby's the next day. jaime's parents are there waiting, and jaime is met with instant fierce scolding about sneaking into the impala to go on a hunt. jaime argues that he was fine, he did good on the hunt, and "it's not as bad as you say it is". john puts in that jaime wasn't too bad on the hunt, and though jaime hates this man more than anyone else in existence, he can't help but feel a little appreciative of his "support". joseph snaps at john, saying "this isn't the time", and orders jaime to go wait in the car. jaime mumbles goodbyes to everyone outside of his parents and john, and then does as he's told.

john tells sam and dean to wait in the impala, while jackie's parents take jackie inside. bobby lingers for a moment, looking between john and jaime's parents, before going inside, as well. he stays close to a window, though, to keep an eye on them in case he needed to intervene.

jaime's parents and john have a long discussion (read: argument) about the events of the past couple of days. jaime's parents say he "shouldn't have encouraged jaime's want to go on a hunt", while john argues he had nothing to do with it, and he never wanted "another kid to worry about" while on the hunt. he also says that "the kid's a natural, [he] should be able to utilize the skills [he] has". jacqueline responds fiercely that no, jaime should not be out in the field, because he's too young and not mature enough to truly handle himself against monsters. john replies that he already has, "and [he] did a damn good job at it". jaime hears this, and again feels guilty about it. sam and dean hear it, too, and sam whispers to a dejected dean that he did a great job on this hunt, too. dean doesn't respond.

jacqueline reveals that the real reason she doesn't want jaime on hunts at his age is because she and benjamin lost their sister bethany during a hunt when they were kids, because their father forced his three children on hunts when they were too young for it, too. "i don't want to lose my only baby the way my father lost one of his". she says this quietly enough so that jaime can't hear, but the impala is parked closer, and dean had discreetly rolled his window down enough so that he could hear anything the adults were saying. he was shocked to hear about this, as jaime had never told him about this (jaime didn't know).

jacqueline storms off to the car and gets in the passenger seat; she's too pissed of to drive. joseph glares at john for a moment before following after his wife, getting in the driver's seat, and pulling away. the whole way back is silent, besides the music over the radio playing softly. jaime falls asleep on the way there, and once they get back, it's dark, and he's still asleep. joseph carries him to bed.

jaime gets grounded, and doesn't get to see sam and dean as part of the punishment. he still gets to see jackie, because joseph and jacqueline still go out on hunts and benjamin and marilyn have to come over with jackie to watch jaime. jackie tries to offer words of assurance to jaime, as do benjamin and marilyn, but jaime ignores them, only coming out of his room for dinner.

[persistentplums]

No matter what you think about Brock and Rusty one thing is true they raised those boys together. And anyone will tell you kids pick up qualities of their guardians/parents which influences how they go about things.

The influence of Brock on Hank is simple, it’s the one the show starts off with and we see easily throughout the show. I wish they could’ve done more with Dean and Brock, unfortunately they don’t overlap enough to do something with but when they have overlapped the small moments, you stretch it you can see the impact Brock has on Dean.

“He believes in this stuff, not like Hank.”

“I have watched you pull a man eye from his head, made him dance like marionette with his own optic nerves.” “At least I didn’t break his heart.”

Heart is Brock entire thing. He is punished for his act of heart going against OSI and getting Billy and Pete together, him racing back in PROM, his attachment to the Ventures, and funny enough his lack of any real love life is because Brock does things true to his heart even when he’s not supposed to (“you’re a tool for the government.”)

That’s super easy to see in Hank, he follows his guns, jumps in, doesn’t second guess if he’s wrong. For Dean it comes out in belief of there being Good Guys. Something Brock shares. For a man who has no real issue with murder the idea of “Good guys” is a thing he sticks with very seriously. Dean copies this to a Dorky level coming off naive but it’s literally the same packaged differently.

Hank knows though everyone is just some guy, a bad guy or a good guy you are just some guy. A lot like his dad in that respect, when you understand this is all a game you can’t really bother with genuinely thinking of sides just how you interact within it. (Hank not really put off about dating Sirena even if her dad is his dad arch. That’s more of an obstacle that they are put into arch and protag categories so he can’t date her normally bc it’s not an actual *thing* for him)

Dean however is under the firm belief there are sides, they can work together sometimes bc he’s seen it, but like Brock, he believes in sides and gets riled up by it.

Speaking of riled up, Dean has Brock temper. I didn’t think much about it to be honest, it shows itself twice physically (Rusty Camp, radiant of the baboon) but when I hop around episodes now I see it in newer episodes. Dean temper is similar to Brock when he is really pushed off the need to protect or save another quality that is picked up by Brock.

Brock aggression is something Dean who is used to seeing it come out when he, hank and doc need protecting, saving, or an affective tactic. Another thing is Brock was and probably still is both boys example of classic masculinity in contrast to their dad (I’ll get back to this on another post.) I think Dean unintentionally mimics it, and I kinda believe we would’ve seen more of it if Dean was put into more situations where he was worried for someone else since the Rusty camp one was for Triana and the movie was for Hank. (Both against Dermontt which shouldn’t count but I am which I will get to in a different post about jealousy in VB)

Brock is the stereotypical “man” he protects the home, he kills to protect, his basics are that man spiel I don’t need to say we know it. Brock masculinity is never questioned really, it oozes out of him and is loudly punctuated. When it comes to sex it’s the same thing, to a problem. I think Dean inherited that, im not saying the one time Dean did a shitty sex related thing makes him like Brock but I actually think it’s more of a Brock move than Rusty weirdly enough. Probably because Brock has hooked up with people wives/gf but that’s not the reason why I say it.

Dean reason with hooking up with Sirena wasn’t really solid, because I don’t think there was a solid reason he did it just because it was happening. That’s why I think it’s more of a Brock move. Rusty we’ve seen talked himself out of being with women who even like him, yes he hooked up with a fan bc she was a fan. She wasn’t someone who can end up seeing his flaws, end up maybe loving back because love is frightening for Rusty because he wants it. If there was a room and a woman who was slightly interested in Rusty, Rusty would magically get out of the room then COMPLAIN he is out the room. We see it repeatedly he will make up reasons really get in his head to jump ship only to stick to people who don’t love him. Or like him.

Hank is the same line but opposite, he is open to love! Yes like Brock his attention to who is quick and focused but Hank is committed because he wants to be loved. Hank is scared of not being loved, he worries although less obviously or loudly about it, and leans hard into it. Action man called him on it, that he resembles Rusty in being downright too attached.

I’ll be honest here it’s so unlikely to actually see it but once you see the Rusty in Hank you’ll end up seeing the Brock in Dean. I remember a YouTube comment saying “Dean is all the negatives [of other people] it’s why I don’t like him.”

I don’t hate Dean, I don’t love Dean but I get Dean so while I don’t 100% agree with that comment I do get it. Dean picks up sometimes the worst traits because he’s so easy to imprint on. He’s funny like that, weirdly easy to leave an impression on but unaware how he repeats things of people he doesn’t want to. Brock being promiscuous, Rusty nostalgic past, the idea of what is important to a man etc Dean mimics it unknowingly. I don’t think that was the root of hooking up with Sirena, (bc the reason is bs yall) I’m just thinking of domino effect of parenting.

There’s a lot of Rusty in Dean literally everything Dean has is Rusty. But where they don’t match up are the core, Dean now understands his dad and they are the same brand of Venture boy but I really think Brock influence on both boys is there for good and bad it just harder to find in Dean. But I think it comes out when Dean stops letting his mind run too much, when he trusts himself, when he’s standing up for something, when he lets his body drive.

But I’m just spitballing! I just don’t believe Dean is all Doc, just like Hank isn’t all Brock. We just didn’t get a lot of time with the boys switched around

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 21- Lorelai’s Graduation Day, Aka Lovesick Stepcousins In The Big City, Part 3

I'm cheering Rory on as she leaves school grounds, leaving these 35 year old classmates in the dust, and as she manages to pull it off under the eyes of two teachers or administrators. Yes yes yes! Well from here on out it's going to be pure Literati appreciation with only minimal anger and rage, you know, my usual shtick. That being said, when that happens I start to sound a little disjointed, like, this episode is so pure and precious and enjoyable that I really don't have much snarky commentary on it and I can just watch it. What am I without my snark powers?

Destiny awaits. In one of many examples of what I call "Gilmore Girls Poor"*, which is a term I coined myself for how AmyShermanPalladino views lower/middle class/urban/city life, Rory manages to end up in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in another dimension. The Alternate Dimension, 100% white, Spotlessly Clean, Nearly People-Free New York City Bus Terminal where she stared down a scary dude without being stabbed and she was offered a locker to store her book bag. (*More examples of GGP: In season 4, Jess is 19 years old, a high school dropout, and is living in a clean, rat and roach free, enormous New York City apartment with working utiltiies and large windows that in today's housing crisis people would murder him to get, he just needed a bed frame and to pick his shit up off the floor but we are supposed to believe its a crack den; Rory and Lorelai live in a beautiful home and eat take out and restaurant food every day on nothing more than an innkeeper's slary)

This was cute. Rory the little mouse getting ignored by city folk. I love it so much.

I think AmyShermanPalladino inserted this smoking guy to make it look like Rory was in a rough part of town. Someone finally gives our little mouse an abrupt answer on how to get to Washington Square Park where she can meet her stepcousin and her destiny.

The little smirk before he turns around! And then, and then...and then...the big grin when he sees her!

I am STARVING for stepcousins!!!!!! ..And the Emmy Award for the whitest words ever spoken on teleivison goes to Alexis Bledel, as Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls:

Baring his naked forearms like a saucy strumpet. Book sticking awkwardly out of his back pocket. He either finds the smallest books or has the roomiest ass pockets that he keeps pulling that off. How does he do that?

This is all so precious and pure I could die.

He is RAPT with attention listening to her silly stories. Show me where Dean or Logan ever paid this much attention to her telling one of these stories.

We know, Bubs. We know :(

Red alert! Red alert! Our first display of physical contact!

Jess says he eats from this hot dog cart every day. Let's unpack this: 1) Holy child neglect, Batman! I mean, Liz Danes. You can't even make your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich once in a while? This boy is feral. These are survival hot dogs. This may be all he can afford to eat on his own. 2) How are you still as skinny as a rail? 3) How's your blood pressure? 4) Where are you getting the money?

This sweet bubba unquestionably paid for Rory's lunch like a true gentleman.

I refuse to acknolwedge any sort of Behind the Scenes Hollywood mumbo jumbo like "Milo wasn't ACTUALLY eating the hot dog" or “umm, it’s a prop hot dog”. i am firmly committed to a scenario where everyone on the set for this episode was like "Milo our precious vegetarian baby boy we will get you a tofu hot dog to eat"

Ending this chapter with this adorable face.

[evas-spn-thoughts]

s01e03 - Dead in the Water

We now get into episode 3, Dead in the Water...

It's a fantastic episode and great insight into Dean Winchester.

That's it, that's my whole intro.

So before I start my breakdown, I just want to say that I genuinely love this episode. The monster of the week aspect is fine, and the water aspect is very creepy and really works.

But, how they start to unpack the enigma that is Dean Winchester is my favourite thing. Dean in season 1 is very different to who he ends up being - part of that is good writing and part of that is an accident which ended up creating - imo - the greatest male fictional character on tv.

This is an episode that I can point to and say 'yes, that is the Dean Winchester that I see in the later seasons' because while the foundations are laid for who he is, there isn't a lot of obvious similarities between later seasons Dean and s1 Dean - but this episode unpacks the gentle side of him and how we know going forward that a lot of Dean Winchester is posturing and seeming tough, while actually being very caring and very loving.

I don't have a fear of water, but I am nervous swimming in lakes and any dark water, and this episode does not help with that anxiety. We open on a woman swimming and she gets dragged under, which is terrifying!!!!

It doesn't need to be said every episode, but my god Dean is pretty!!!

Sam annoys me a little bit with his whole judgement of Dean sleeping or flirting with anyone, like... it's entirely unnecessary, and makes him look like a bit of a dick. Its a very conservative view of sex and I suppose in 2005 there might have been a want to have the promiscuous brother - Dean - and the romantic brother - Sam, but now as I watch it in 2024 it feels a bit slut shamey. 

Sam is very touchy about finding dad, he gets annoyed about it very quickly, and it's funny because Dean isn't annoyed at Sam, until Sam implies that Dean doesn't care about finding John as much as he does. Dean goes on the offence and talks about Sam not being there and Dean being with John 'for the last 2 years'. 

This to me reads as Dean feeling attacked rather than actively trying to make Sam feel bad. The one thing you can always believe about Dean is that no one - other than Sam, maybe - cares about their family as much as Dean does, and Sam implies that Dean doesn't care which sets him off on the defensive, because Family is top priority for Dean, always.

Again Dean highlights the importance of saving people, not just finding dad. Another instance of his want to help people and not just kill monsters or be on a mental revenge quest.

Agent Ford and Hamill... God, some of the aliases are just not it.

Another example of Dean trying to go with someone to get to the truth, he messes up with the Dam and just goes with the punch to try and save face. It's not a massive thing, but it's funny to note that he's done that in this episode and the last. 

Dean meets Andrea, he's friendly, shakes her hand, isn't creepy or leering at her. Then he sees her son, Lucas, and immediately switches his attention to wanting to know how he is, when he doesn't reply, he moves on - but it clearly stays with him that Lucas doesn't talk. 

Him asking Andrea to take them to the motel is definitely veering more on the side of wanting a hookup, but the whole walk he is asking about Lucas, he doesn't do it well... but he is asking about that and not anything else. I don't see him asking about Lucas or saying 'kids are the best' as a chat up line, it's just Dean got a bad vibe from Lucas and wants more information.

Sam again doesn't know his brother all that well, because as we will find out, Dean Winchester is amazing with kids - from young kids all the way to troubled teenagers. It shocks me that in the same episode where we see Dean being so gentle with Lucas, we have his brother implying that Dean doesn't interact well with children. Like, that is not a way to show the brother bond, how Sam doesn't know that is beyond me - Dean raised Sam, how does Sam not see that Dean is a very nurturing and caring figure. I suppose it goes back to how differently Dean presents himself in front of Sam compared to how we end up knowing Dean to be, and maybe highlights how Sam remembers their childhood and how those 2 years away may have skewed his view on his brother.

Dean's caring instincts kick into overdrive when he finds out that Lucas saw his dad die. We literally see him look at the scenario in a totally different light, and he immediately can relate to Lucas. 

Sam does not have the same emotional reaction, he looks at it as a case, and sounds very calm about everything and is just stating the facts. This is the first clear instance we get of this case being very different for Sam than for Dean.

The minute Dean see's Lucas he has a one track mind for seeing if he is okay or knows anything about the lake.

Sam is finally understanding that Dean's care and interest in Lucas is not related to trying to sleep with Andrea.

Dean seems to see himself in Lucas almost immediately, which we will see more later in the episode, but to me, that is why Dean is so certain that Lucas knows something and saw something.

The scene between Lucas and Dean while they are drawing is amazing, its one of the core reasons why I love Dean Winchester, and part of that is Jackles and how he manages to make Dean sound so gentle when he talks to Lucas, but he also doesn't talk down to him. He manages to convey that Dean just cares... about everyone. He cares about this kid we met 5 minutes ago enough to understand that Lucas doesn't want to talk, but will listen and maybe just needs someone to understand him.

His voice and the slight break in his voice before he says 'that's... my mom' is so telling of how Dean is still not over her death, and it still affects him even 22 years on. These are all examples of instances where Jensen just does something, that he - even 3 episodes in - understands Dean Winchester.

'Kids are strong. You'd be surprised what they can deal with'. If that isn't Dean talking about himself - and most likely Sam, because Dean always puts Sam first. These throwaway lines give you an idea of what they had growing up, and how they likely had to persevere through a lot.

Clearly Dean trying with Lucas makes an impact, because Lucas trusts him enough to want to give Dean a clue and draws him a picture.

The whole hand in the sink thing is the second thing that creeps me out about this episode, it is awful!!

The boy are smart again - and I am here for it. They put together that it's coming from the lake not 'something that controls water'.

Dean not talking after Mary's death is one of my roman empires, I think about it so much. Because it makes total sense that he would stop talking. Dean feels so much all the time, so the idea that he was so scared after Mary that he couldn't talk makes sense. 

Dean very obviously sees himself in Lucas and through that he can connect to him, and also open up in a way he probably doesn't do a lot. 

We understand that Dean tries to be brave every day because of his mom, which is a knife in my heart. 

The blocking of the shot, and the fact that we see Dean talking to Lucas with Sam and Andrea lurking by the door is interesting, because at some point, the camera pans past Dean and makes him a blur and shows Sam very obviously and as the centre of the shot, and clearly you are meant to care about Sam's reaction to what Dean is saying and him learning something new about his brother. 

This plays into my belief that at least in season 1, Dean and Sam have a relationship that is slightly less brotherly, and leans into the fact that Dean raised Sam. This is a factor, because as everyone gets older, you start to understand and learn about the person that raised you, you start to see that when you were a kid you may not have noticed everything. Season 1 to me, is Sam learning about the man who raised him, and realising that how he remembers Dean may not be the true Dean, it would also explain why the softer and more vulnerable side to Dean is slightly alien to Sam, because as a parent, you try to hide the insecurities or struggles, and that's what Dean has done for Sam his whole life.

Sam tries to bring up the whole selective mutism thing that Dean has just talked about, but Dean is very quick to shut down any talk of that. Dean is very emotional and is not averse to talking about these things. But I think he needs to feel in control of how they are brought up and talked about, he needs to be the one to open up and not have Sam ask about it. It's part of Dean and his need to put up a front, he doesn't want to talk about things that make him emotionally vulnerable unless he decides to, and he will just shut down when he doesn't want something talked about - which I relate to.

This won't be the last instance of Sam learning something about their childhood, we get at least 2 more that I remember off the top of my head.

We get a lore dump, and some traumatic stories from an older woman. We also Mr Carlton talking to the lake. All the norm for Supernatural.

They go to the police station and are talking about the case. Lucas gets upset and tries to cling onto Dean, another way to show the trust Lucas has in Dean.

The boys get called out for not being rangers, and very aggressively get told to leave. They both stay quiet and agree to leave - even if they don't actually.

Dean's conscience gets the better of him, and we assume he heads back into town. Sam is doubtful, but Dean is very sure that they haven't solved the case, he says that Lucas was scared and he doesn't want to leave until he's sure Lucas will be okay.

Sam yet again has no clue who Dean is, because he is shocked that Dean cares about Lucas.

If there were water related deaths happening in my town, I would not be having a bath. Just saying.

Lucas is banging on the door, as Andrea is flailing around in the bath. Thankfully tv magic is at play and Dean and Sam come at the perfect time to save her. Dean stays with Lucas, and Sam saves Andrea.

Lucas begins to creepily stare out the window and then walks out to the shore line. Kids doing things while just staring is very off putting.

We realise that Andrea's dad and Bill Carlton killed Peter many years ago and the spirit is going after his family - which fair enough, if someone killed me, I'd be coming back as a spirit to get them.

He DROWNED a boy and he says they didn't mean to!!! Holding someone underwater is not an easy thing to accidentally do.

Lucas gets pulled underwater by the spirit and Dean jumps into save him.

Jake sacrifices himself to stop Lucas from being taken, and Dean gets Lucas.

Jensen talks about filming this, and it sounds terrible. Apparently he had divers holding his legs and trying to pull him under while he was holding the little boy who plays Lucas. Now I'm a strong swimmer but that still sounds awful, and they are wearing layers, so many layers.

Sam says that 'they can't save everyone' but he and Dean seem to be taking it hard that they didn't save Andreas dad.

In a very cute moment, Dean makes sure Lucas knows to say 'Zeppelin Rules' which is just adorable. Dean also gets another kiss from a woman he hasn't been flirting with but oh well, it's supernatural in 2005, its gotta happen.

Overall,

This is a very good episode, and the first since the pilot that keeps me entertained the whole way through, we steadily understand who Sam is as the show goes on and every episode so far has given us something new.

But there is something about uncovering who Dean is that just makes it feel more impactful, it might be that it just feels like we are getting an insight into something that the other characters don't see, and it might just be down to how magnetic Jensen is, that we constantly want to learn more about Dean and we learn things slowly.

[luna-nigthshade-wood]

Au: Where Dean lives with his ducklings, before he goes hunting with Eileen...

Dean: Alright ducklings, front and center 

(Ducklings form a line)

Dean: Due to the fact, that is clear to me I cant trust any of you to be in charge, I...

Emma: Well, thanks dad, that makes us feel so love

Ben: Yeah, dad. I dont understand why you dont trust us. I mean I understand  anger issues here (pointing at Claire and Emma) and stab king over there (pointing to Jesse), but I think I am old and mature enough to be in charge of the Bunker while you and Eileen are gone.

Dean: How about no? Should I remind you of the fire extinguer incident?

Ben, with a betrayed face:... You promised we would never talk about it. 

Alex: Wait, why cant I be in charge? I am responsable

Dean, exasperated: Last time, you were in charge you tried to throw a party, try being the key world

Alex: Sory for not talking snitches into consideration (throwing a smirking Claire a glare)

Krissy: I feel I should be in charge Dean. 

Dean: No, you cant. You tried to summon an interdimensional creature last time.

Krissy: Oh yeah, that was fun

Dean, seeing Claire raising her hand: I suppose you are going to tell me why you should be in charge, Carrie

Claire, rolling her eyes: Cute, but no. I was going to say that you are right and you should put Kaia in charge

Dean, seeing right through: Absolutely no, you only want Kaia in charge because she lets you do everything you want. (Turning to her) Sorry, Kaia

Kaia,: Fair enough

Dean, seeing Bobby John excited: Same for you B, sorry, but you bend easily for your fellow ducklings (cue Bobby John deflating but nodding)

Jack, innocently: Can I be in charge Dean? I promise I will do my best

Dean, somehow softly: Sorry Jackie boy, but you are three, how about you focuse on taking care of Sir Fluffy? (refering to Jack´s stuffed bear)

Jack, pleased: Of course Dean

Jesse: Could I? (seeing Dean´s face daring him to ask after Thee Incident TM) Yeah no I am good

Sam, who has been quiet and has a broken arm, therefore not going to the hunt: You worry so much Dean. I can take care of them just fine (cue glares to Sam)

Dean: Yeah, you are also not in charge

Sam, ready to agree with Dean: Of course I... Wait the fck do you mean I am not in charge?

Dean: I could give you a list of reasons

Sam: I am a grown adult, besides Cas is going to be here with me

Dean: Yeah, that is not ressuring and also number one on the list of why you are not to be trusted. May I remind you why your arm is broken?

(Cue flashbacks of Cas and Sam experimenting on Sam with spells from a suspicious looking book that randomly appeared in the Bunker)

Eileen, who has been watching the chaos: Face it babe, you two are not to be trusted alone. Besides, when you are with the kids alone you suddenly revert to your 12 year old self

Dean: Anyways, getting back on track, the person in charge is... (seeing Patience enter the kitchen) Patience

Patience: Wait what? 

Dean, nodding: Yes you will do. Dont worry Patience I trust you besides I left a bowl of papers with suggestions

Patience, taking the bowl: And how would I know if the paper apply to the situation?

Dean, grabbing a paper: Dont worry, for example “Jack, dont eat that” aplies to anything that is not food, you also have “Claire, dont go hunting” “Emma dont do the ritual” “B, please dont dismember yourself” was originally for Bobby John but after what happened two months ago it applies to everyone. And lastly, my favorite “For the love of my sanity and my health, Sammy and Cas DONT”, which applies to anything they try to do together. Anyways we are going. See you in two days (Dean and Eileen exit the bunker)

Eileen, after Babby is already running: Do you actually thing we should have let Patience in charge?

Dean, tapping his fingers: Absolutely not, they will eat her alive. That is why I called Jody, she will be there in two hours

(At the end there were only three small fires and an arrest order, three of those things happening before Jody arrived so Dean counts it as a win)       

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

So I watched 10.09 recently, and it has that part where Dean tells a story about him basically being almost roofied as a teen, but somehow it ends up framed as the funny joke and yet another proof that John "did what he could", and I kind of hate this? And it's the same episode in which MoC!Dean killed guys that kidnapped and tried to rape Claire, and you'd think writers would've addressed the parallels and acknowledge that Dean could've been triggered by this situation. 1/2

2/2 But in the end, it's never addressed, and the whole situation is framed as the proof that Dean is evil now. And I'm not even sure what I am trying to say, but with that being the show's approach back in s10, I'm not surprised about the finale anymore. Guess we should've known?

That’s an excellent angle to look at the issue because the Mark of Cain arc is a clear example of how people with different experiences will see the same thing in wildly different ways. There’s this phase of season 10 where everyone is like “oh no Dean is Getting Worse” and when you look at what Dean is doing... you actually go “...good for him”.

Let’s give Caesar what belongs to Caesar. It’s not “the writers” in this case, it’s Dabb. Plenty of other writers don’t fall into this John apologism thing. Just look at how the episode before Lebanon, written by Buckner and Ross Leming, says that sometimes John would temporarily kick Dean out because he was “pissed at him” despite Dean always taking his side to mantain the peace. It almost seems like a statement to sprinkle some salt given what Dabb does in Lebanon, you know? Maybe not, but there is a tension between “John was shitty” writers and “John did his best” writers.

In hindsight, we gave Dabb too much of the benefit of the doubt. We were like, weeell, that’s supposed to be way the characters perceive the truth, which is distorted by the trauma... But now it’s obvious that he truly believed in the John-did-his-best version. He brought him back and got Mary back with him. No matter what happened to the finale, the network didn’t print those pictures of John and Mary to hang on Sam’s wall. He never took Dean’s abuse seriously and it shows.

The “anedocte” of Dean getting drugged and “saved” by John from being raped is obviously there to parallel him with Claire. Which works! It’s so weird because it’s like. You are soooo close to getting the point. Younger Dean was assaulted just like this teenage girl is assaulted and Dean saves her... but apparently John yelling at those people is a good way of dealing with the issue, while murdering child traffickers is an overraction thus bad.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? That Dean’s murder spree is framed as an overreaction. Sam is like “tell me you had to do this! tell me it was you or them!” - the answer to which (by the narrative) is obviously no, it wasn’t self defense, he just killed them because he could. He just murdered those men for no reason except he felt like being murdery. And the audience is supposed to be like “oh no! Dean is murdery for no reason except for murderiness! That’s bad!”.

But it’s a power fantasy, isn’t it? Going on a murder spree on rapists and traffickers. I bet any people who’s been violated like that has fantasized of doing the exact thing Dean does here. Killing them all.

Dean had the physical strength and skill to kill them all, why shouldn’t he kill them? (I mean, in real life I’m against private justice because I’m a fan of the state of law, but the Supernatural universe obviously works on different principles than the state of law. Again, it’s a fictional narrative that plays out as a fantasy for the audience, so.)

So what was Dabb’s intention? I’m afraid it’s the worst one. “John Winchester’s not going to win any Number One Dad awards, you know? But, you know, damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him”. What the fuck, Dabb? It’s been established since season 1 that John WASN’T there when they needed him. Which... I’m afraid... leads us to the Cas-Claire plot in the episode. Cas has fucked off with Jimmy’s body leaving Claire on her own. Parallels how John wasn’t going to win wny Number One Dad awards. But! Cas is there when Claire Really Needs Him i.e. when she’s about to be raped by older men. Parallels how John was there when Dean Really Needed Him i.e. when he was about to be raped by older men.

I think the point is to say, Cas kinda sucked because he took Claire’s dad away but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Claire because he gets there in time to prevent her from being raped. Just like (ew) John kinda sucked as a father because hunting and stuff, but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Dean because he got there in time to prevent him from being raped.

It’s pretty yucky. Literally NOBODY wanted a parallel between Cas and John. But he made one. And he made one to absolve Cas from the guilt he carried for what he did to Claire (Claire’s mother is a mother so who fucking cares about her. She’s basically a Blurry Wife(TM), she’s only a tool for Claire’s arc, Cas apparently only cares about the harm he did the child, not the wife, for some reason.) and to absolve Cas from his guilt it absolves John too. Don’t worry, being a parent is hard. You often screw up. But you can *looks at smudged writing on hand* prevent the kid from being raped by predatory adults and everything’s fine now.

It’s not really important if the child suffered hunger or whatever, the only important thing is that they don’t get raped, because that’s bad, everything else is just a little detail.

All Dabb got with that scene was to paint Sam as extremely unsympathetic because he’s no longer a child, he’s a full adult now and still thinks of that episode at the CBGB as a funny story. That’s not a good look. It almost makes you think that the writer himself saw it as a funny story. Lol teenage boy biting more than he can chew. But then why the Claire parallel? The Claire scene onviously is not supposed to be anything but horrific. I'll give Dabb the benefit of the doubt on this specific thing.

It’s weird, yes, because Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon where he establishes that John was a bad husband/father even before tragedy hit the family. But apparently that’s the “not going to win any Number One Dad awards” part, I suppose? I guess he intended to write John as this flawed, ~complex~ figure who was imperfect but still brave and whatever blah blah did his best blah blah. I’m all for flawed complicated characters but a horrible father is a horrible father. A rose by any other name... parental abuse is still parental abuse even if the poor guy was complicated and traumatized and did what he thought he had to do to prepare his sons for a violent world.

Also, the story frames Dean’s escapade as a teenager being stupid. “You know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine. It’s not my job to be liked.” “It’s my job to raise you right.” This seems straight from a novel about teenagers doing something stupid that they’re too young to realize that their parents are right to be against them doing. But this isn’t just... a parent walking into a bar to stop their child to drink alcohol. Dean literally describes feeling sick from something that was inside the alcohol.

Sure, it makes sense that he’d lash out to John because of the shame and shock. But the scene is... off. Are we supposed to see this as a typical teenage mistake? Are we supposed to read it as something as horrific as what happened to Claire, literally sold into rape? Or, worse, are we supposed to see what happened to Claire as a teenage mistake, ah silly teenager, blindly trusting shady people, no wonder you end up in a situation where you’d get raped if a father figure didn’t sweep in and save you. I hope that wasn’t the intent.

To get back to Dean’s Mark-of-Cain violence, the writers clearly didn’t intend it to come from the Darkness up to a certain point. It was supposed to an arc about your own inner darkness (consider the Charlie episode, a couple episodes later). Then they came up with the idea of The(TM) Darkness, the suppressed cosmic feminine. While it caused a bit of dissonance in the subtext, it doesn’t really change Dean’s narrative, because his inner darkness is the trauma, and his trauma is inherebtly tied to the “feminine” i.e. the parts of him that don’t fit seamlessly into the scheme of toxic masculinity values. That the violence that comes from the Mark of Cain comes from Dean himself and that’s it, or is connected to the Darkness, it doesn’t change what it means for Dean. Dean and Amara have parallel histories, the feminine principle locked away, the trauma the anger stems from.

In 10x09 we’re still in the Before The (TM) Darkness era, before the suppressed cosmic feminine. The Mark of Cain arc is still about... well, Cain. But the shift is the signal that someone looked at Dean’s arc and said... you know what? “Lucifer gave me this curse so now I’m demonic and murdery” is meh. “Toxic masculinity suppresses the feminine and it creates trauma which rage and violence comes from” is more interesting. I don’t know whose idea it was, but it was a good idea, and surely the idea came from seeing how Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding.

Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding in a certain way, in fact, because of a pretty simple reason. There’s a fundamental tension in Dean’s MoC arc. We want him to go murdery, but it’s also our main character, so we don’t want him to do really horrible things because he still needs to be relatable. The audience cannot hate him, so he must NOT do something entirely unforgivable. He still needs to be somewhat relatable, even when demonic or demonic-adjacent.

So he goes on a murder spree... but it’s rapists and child traffickers. He’s demon, but he kills a misogynistic dude that wanted his wife dead for cheating on him. He’s a demon, but beats up dudes that harass women. He does a slaughter, but they’re nazi. He’s off the deep end, but works a case of kidnapped and abused young women...

Speaking of which. 10x23, written by Jeremy Carver. Dean works a case where a girl was killed while dressed scantily and Dean makes some slut-shaming remarks, and we’re supposed to think “whoa Dean, that’s bad”. But later he confronts the girl’s father and what does he say?

I’m just doing my job, Mr. McKinley.

By suggesting my daughter was a slut?

I’ll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home.

You shut your face right now.

And you know what? I don’t blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her.

Back then the episode was super controversial and everyone hated the case because of the apparent slut-shaming but I loved it! Because it’s not about the girl. It’s about Dean. Dean doesn’t think that a girl gets killed because she dresses in a miniskirt so it’s her fault. Dean is projecting on himself and he’s not actually victim blaming the girl, he’s victim blaming himself. And when he absolves the girl by putting the blame on the father... well, subtextually he’s absolving himself by putting the blame on his father. On the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervaded his own home. He’s textually not ready to absolve himself, of course, he summons Death to ask him to kill him later, but subtextually he’s on the right path.

Rose McKinley basically did the same mistake Dean did at the CBGB when he trusted some older people who offered him drinks and the same mistake Claire did when she trusted a man who sold her for money because he offered him a place and stability. She trusted the wrong people (in this case, vampires, which adds the whole subtext of vampires and sexuality) who took advantage of her. Except Rose had no one to save her. (Her friend, Crystal, gets rescued by Dean, even if he causes the other hunter Rudy to die in the process.)

Carver’s writing is pretty brutal. The girl made that mistake because was abused at home, so she was desperate for validation and that desperation drove her into the wrong hands. (Rose even has a brother who blames himself for bringing her sister to her future murderers, destructive sibling relationship check.) It doesn’t actually even matter if Dean guessed right about Rose’s family situation, because what matters is what it tells us about Dean. He basically relates to a dead abused girl. Actually all through the season Dean is paralleled to “skanks” “sluts” and sex workers. Obviously this happens kinda all through the show, the whole “the business is based on absent fathers” thing happened much earlier in the story, so it’s not new. But s10 draws a picture of female suffering - abuse, manipulation and death. Season 10 was difficult to go through. In hindsight, it was probably on purpose because it was supposed to be darkest hour of the feminine. Summed with some good old fashioned misogyny, but hey.

The Carver era was wonky but Carver wanted to free the feminine. (I believe that Mary’s comeback, while written by Dabb because of the showrunner shift, was planned before the showrunner shift.) We thought the Dabb era wanted the same, with Mary choosing life and Amara being independent and so on, but it evidently wasn’t the case. Not a single woman arrives at end of the story. It’s hardly ~Bucklemming or ~the network or ~covid because it starts before the very end.

I’m not saying that dead sluts are more feminist than living women, but if the women die or disappear anyway (and they did) I’d rather have an exploration of trauma than nothing. And I definitely prefer a dead slut narrative that calls out parental abuse than a narrative where women live but abuse gets the you-did-your-best treatment.

Whoops! I digressed! But feel free to ask for any clarification or send me any observation or thought.

[stillwinchester]

Destiel AU - toddler!jack, mechanic!dean

“Good morning, sir!”

Dean looked up from his newspaper straight at the kid with a teddy bear. He had no idea where it came from. He was just sipping his coffee and reading the news, when some stranger toddler appeared on the seat in front of him.

“Umm, mornin'?” he greeted him, still confused.

“I have a birthday today,” said kid and grinned. Dean looked around, but nobody seemed to bother with his situation.

“Congratulations, but you shouldn't be alone here. Where's your mom?”

“In Heaven. She's watching over me, like an angel,” kid explained, and after that kicked him accidentally under the table. Dean dusted his knee off.

“And what about your dad?”

“There!” he pointed to the counter, where was standing a dark hair man in the trench coat. “He's buying birthday's milkshakes. Strawberry!”

“Yeah?” Dean relaxed a little bit, good that kid wasn't alone here. “And how old are you?”

“Four! It's more than three,” he said cheerfully. “Look, I have The Marvelous Marvin. He can talk!”

Kid showed him a teddy bear and pressed his belly. A plushie toy said: 'Hello!', his father turned around immediately and came quickly to Dean's table. He picked the kid up and spoke to him:

“Jack, I told you, don't harass people.” And then to Dean: “My apologies.”

“Nothing happened... He's a great kiddo.”

The man tried to smile, but he was too much embarrassed, so it lookes more like a grimace. Jack, on the other hand, seemed not to care about anything, playing with his teddy bear.

Dean pulled something out from his pocket and asked: “Hey, Jack, do you like stickers?”

“Yeah!”

“So, I have something for you. Happy birthday, buddy!”

It was a commercial sticker with a big text "Singer Auto Repair Shop", but there was also a picture of Chevy Impala which was what Jack noticed first.

“A car!” exclaimed Jack, putting a sticker on his teddy bear at once.

“Jack, what do you say?” reminded him his father.

“Thank you, sir!”

“You're welcome!”

The man put Jack on the seat at the next table and went back to Dean.

“I'm sorry once again, he's a little too much excited,” he excused for his son.

“Sure, nothing happened.” Dean shrugged. “I'm Dean, by the way.”

“Castiel.” They shook their hands, and Dean smiled at him.

“It's nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Cas smiled back. “I'm not gonna take more of your time. Have a nice day.”

Cas sat across of his son. The waitress had brought their milkshakes already. The kid started drinking, but a few seconds later he was talking again.

“Dad, can I try yours?”

Dean heared a chuckle, he looked at Cas and caught how he was rolling his eyes.

“They're the same, Jack.”

“Please... I have a birthday,” begged the kid with a sweet voice.

“All right.” Cas gasped, but changed their milkshakes.

“Yours is better,” admitted Jack, and Cas laughed once again.

Dean finished his coffee and walked away a few minutes later, one more time looking at them. The family picture, a lovely and cute view...

*

Cas knew shit about cars, but he was certainly sure his truck shouldn't make so weird noises.

“Crap,” he murmured. Did he say it loud? Crap! He turned to the back seats where Jack was sitting in the child chair. “You didn't hear anything, Jack.”

“That's not true! You said: crap!” said excited Jack. “Crap, crap! Crap, crap!”

Great! Now his kid expanded his vocabulary.

“I think grocery needs to wait. Somebody needs to check our car.”

“Maybe Marvin? He's a mechanic. He has a badge.” Jack pointed at the sticker on his teddy bear.

“Oh, honeybee, I think we need the other specialist, but thank Marvin for his service.”

Cas pulled out the phone to find some Auto Repair Shop on the internet when he realized that actually Marvin could help. He gave a quick look at the sticker and read an address.

*

“I have no idea how to fix a car. Sometimes I even forget to refuel it,” explained Cas to the old man with a baseball cap. He had found out earlier it’s Bobby Singer, owner of this Auto Shop. For a moment, he felt disappointment because deeply in his heart he had hoped he was going to see Dean from the milk bar again.

“I’ll call my best mechanic. We can handle it,” Bobby assured him, and after that he turned around and yelled: “Dean, we have a client, can you come here?”

Dean got out from under one of the cars. He was wearing work clothes, and his face was dirty from grease, but Cas recognized him at once. Jack, who was standing next to him, was too busy with his teddy bear to notice him.

“Oh, Cas. Hi,” said Dean, frowning with confusion. Probably he didn’t expect to see him again.

“Hello, Dean.”

“And how are you, Jack?” he asked a toddler.

“Good! Marvin took us here!”

“Yeah, so let’s see what’s wrong with a car.”

Dean opened the hood and checked the car. It didn’t take him a lot of time before he found cause of trouble.

“It's the engine...” explained Dean.

“Crap!” said Jack, and Dean looked at him surprised.

“Whoa, isn't it a big word for so little guy?”

“I'm big now! And dad taught me that!”

Cas’ cheeks turned red at once, and he mumbled: “No, I... I didn't.”

“You did, daddy. Don't you remember? Truck was broken.”

Dean chuckled, but he was not going to torture him any longer.

“Okay, I need at least half an hour. You can wait there if you want.” He pointed to a bench near a big tree.

“All right, thank you.”

Dean started working, but his eyes were heading to Cas and Jack all the time. He saw how they were talking and playing with a teddy bear, laughing all the time. They looked so happy, and Dean found himself jealous of what they had.

When he finished, he called them and Bobby. Cas paid for the repair and thanked him for help. They didn't go at once, so Dean used an opportunity to talk with him a little longer.

“He's similar to you, like Mini-Cas,” said Dean, and Cas smiled with proud.

“Actually, he's not my biological son... His mother was my very good friend, but she died in childbirth, so I took care of him,” he explained.

“What about his biological father?”

“It's my brother, but I don't know where he is. He ran away when he found out Kelly was pregnant.”

“This one,” started Bobby and patted Dean on the arm. “I kinda adopted him and his brother. And they're good men. I think I did no bad job raising them.”

“Yeah, you were always a better father to me than John.”

Bobby squeezed Dean’s shoulder, and walked away to talk with Jack. Cas looked at his son with love in his eyes.

“It must be hard, huh? Be a lonely father with a toddler?”

“Sometimes. But I've never regretted this. He's my whole life.”

After a long minute of silence, Dean decided to go one step further. He scratched a back of his neck and cleared the throat.

“Listen, Cas, I'll give you my private number...” he started, but then added quickly: “You know if something would be wrong with a car, just call me.”

Shit! It wasn't supposed to look like this... He chickened out.

“Umm, thank you,” said Cas, putting the card with his number in his coat's pocket. “Dean, one more.”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I call you on another matter?”

“Which means?”

“If I want to, for example, invite you for a milkshake?”

Dean's face brightened with a smile. So, it wasn't like he was the only one who was interested.

“Yeah... it would be okay, Cas.”

“So, I think I'll call you.”

“I will be waiting.”

Cas gave him a huge smile one more time before he went to Jack.

“Jack, we need to come home. Let's go!” He took him on his arms.

“Okay, daddy!” Jack raised his hand and waved with it. “Bye, bye, Dean!”

“See you later, buddy! Oh, and I have another sticker for you,” said Dean.

“It's like a doctor, but without needles.”

“Yeah, I'm a car doctor.”

“Cool!”

They drove away, this time without a noisy engine, and Cas thought it's a very good day.

*

Cas put Jack to bed, read him the bedtime stories and kissed his forehead. He turned the light off, but stayed there a few minutes more, just to look at his sleeping kid.

Yes, like he said before, being a single father wasn't always easy, but he would never change his life. At least not in this area. Because, of course, he would like to find somebody who could love Jack like their own son, and somebody who could love him...

Sometimes, especially in the nights like this, he felt lonely, it wasn't like he has a lot of time to meet new people, not to mention dates. That's why he went to the kitchen to make a call.

“Yeah?” asked Dean, and Cas couldn't help smile, hearing his voice.

“Hello, Dean. It's Cas. I hope I don't call too late.”

Answer came almost immediately.

“No. It's never too late.”

Part 2

[canonicallysoulmates]

J2′s Virtual Con Panel (March 7th, 2021)

Alright, let’s talk j2! As all of you probably know by now Jared and Jensen had a virtual con panel today (March 7th, 2021); it was the first j2 con panel of the year, and we started on a good note. I will be providing some time stamps, and as always I will be providing a link to the whole panel at the end of this post so y’all can watch it for yourself, I highly recommend doing so, it was a really good panel. 

Okay, let’s jump right into it!

- The panel started late, and the reason I am mentioning that is because I have to comment on how stressful that wait was with the grey screen saying ‘standby!’. I much rather preferred the countdown, it was less stressful 😅 

- Anyways, the panel starts off with some cute banter between the boys, they spend around 6mins just talking to each other, joking about Jensen’s hair, telling stories about each other. Honestly, answering questions was unnecessary because I would have happily seen a full hour of that, of just them talking. 

- Jensen said he missed Jared 🥺

- So...Jared addressed Jensen’s birthday and okay let’s talk about this. After Jensen says he missed Jared and that it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other, Jared fumbles on his way to comment about how he was gonna post for Jensen’s birthday. You can practically see his brain buffer cause I s2g that man was this close to saying he was with Jensen before his brain kicked in, and then he switched lanes to mention taking a trip with G for their anniversary. 

Of course I have an opinion about this, I don’t know if I’ll be able to express it coherently, but I shall try; it is so incredibly convenient he’d mention what has been a big talking point in fandom for the past couple of days. This is such a stupid thing to lie about, and it’s a lie that falls apart in seconds cause if you think about it shit don’t make sense. 

We know that Jared and G were on a trip, but we also know they were in Colorado. Thanks to D’s hairstylist, we know Jensen’s also in Colorado. 

So, I’m expected to believe that these two men who are incredibly close, who in this same panel mention how much they’ve missed each other, that Jared who says he didn’t post on his boy’s birthday (and yes he called Jensen his boy again 🥰) because he got all emotional thinking about how this was gonna be the first birthday in years he wasn’t gonna be by Jensen’s side and be able to give him a hug- I am expected to believe that Jared was in the same state and didn’t even make a pitstop by where Jensen’s at?! That they’d be in the same state and not even meet up?!  Not only that, Jared and G’s anniversary was on the 27th which fell on a Saturday, based on reports we know they took that trip from the 28th to the 1st, if this was an anniversary trip why not make it a weekend thing from Friday to Sunday? Why do it from Sunday to Monday which was a workday? And I’m also expected to believe that they went on an “anniversary trip” and little mrs. social media preferred to post an old ass pic and not post anything at all from said trip, even posting a pic as if she were in Austin on the 1st.  Bitch please, I love you but go to someone else with that tale cause I ain’t buying. 

- Continuing with the panel, the boys start answering questions and I’mma just tell y’all right now a lot of the questions in this panel are kinda shit. This is the first panel of the year, both these men have big projects going on and yet the first question is about parenting. Their answer is pretty much the same thing they always answer, that they can’t do it alone, that most of it is their wives, Jared says he helps with the kids in the morning and then goes to the guest house and leaves Gen to it, if you’ve heard once you’ve heard it a million times. 

- Next question is about dreams, and Jensen makes a joke about mushroom induced dreams that Jared finds so hilarious he has to duck out of frame. I don’t know if y’all have ever seen The Late Show with Stephen Colbert but Stephen’s wife is usually there when he’s filming and that woman laughs at even his stupidest jokes, if you see them interact they are that couple that is so obviously in love years into their marriage, they make each other laugh, and the reason why I am bringing this up in a j2 post is because that is the vibe that moment had! Actually, that’s the vibe a lot of this panel had; that mushroom joke was not that funny yet Jared reacted as if Jensen was the funniest man in the world.  And the j2 doesn’t stop there because when it’s Jared’s time to answer the question the boys say they’re in each other’s dreams. x 

- Jared said he sits in the Impala in his garage 🥺 Jensen said his Impala is safe and covered in a secure location in Austin, which I’m going to interpret as he left it with Jared.

- A fan asked if we would see director!Jensen make an appearance on Walker and Jared revealed he was supposed to! Jensen was slated to direct episode 5 of Walker but due to commitments to The Boys he sadly wasn’t able to but both boys say that it will happen and it’s something they’re looking forward to. So are we boys, so are we ❤

- When talking about how Jensen was supposed to direct episode 5 of Walker, Jensen commented that Jared was looking forward to having someone who knew him so well and could help him creatively on the set. Now, I will for no particular reason remind y’all that G works on the show. 

I love Jensen ☕ 

-  Moving on! Jensen talked about his production company. He said it is currently developing 5 different projects including one that they will be delivering to the network this week and that they have a project he’s excited about with an spn alumn. He said working on these projects and his company is what he’s been spending his time on in Colorado.

- Jensen put on a beanie and y’all are not ready for what happened. Not only did he look cute af, not only did Jared like how Jensen looked and compliment him but he called Jensen babe 😍 Now listen you don’t have to take my word for it, listen to the audio a couple times, form your own opinion about what you hear but I have listened to multiple versions of that clip with headphones multiples times at different volumes...and imo Jared calls Jensen babe, you can try to take that from me over my dead body. x  

- They were talking about a fight outtake they did on the finale in slow motion, and did an example and when I tell y’all those two somehow managed to do an in perfectly in sync slowmo fight virtually! 

- They showed their matching tattoos! 

- Jensen sends Jared shirtless selfies and gives him beard updates. I swear I am not making this up. 

- And in the line of things I swear I am not making up is that Jared grabbed the pic Jensen send him, and edited it to make it seem as if Jensen was singing the clean version of WAP, that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen 😂

- Jensen said him and Jared like to watch the early season gag reels 🤗

- At one point Jensen tried to tell one of Jared’s jokes and not even three words in this man was already in tears laughing so hard, he says it’s something that makes him laugh every time he thinks about it, he could barely get through the joke and to be fair it is hilarious; the joke goes: Did you hear there was an explosion at a cheese factory in France? The brie was everywhere. That cracked me tf up and it left them in tears 😂

- Jensen called Jared a freaking ox 😂

- Jensen says that if the roles were reversed and Sam had died, Dean would have wasted away at the back of a pool hall 😭

- The panel ends with j2 saying I love you to each other 😭❤

It was a really good panel, I had missed these men so so so so much, they have brightened my spirits and I’ve been in a good mood since I watched it, they just make me so happy 🥰. If you haven’t seen it yet I highly recommend doing so, the boys were looking cute, it was funny, they kept making each other laugh and there was even heart eyes! Jared kept getting the cutest little smile when Jensen was speaking, it was adorable! 

J2 Virtual Panel 

[assortedpuzzlepieces]

Ok, I’m about to go off on a GIANT rant about a specific issue I have with John Winchester & how the show intentionally & canonically portrays him as an ableist, homophobic asshole through his portrayal by JDM, so buckle up.

For the record, this is something I’ve always believed, but after listening to podcast episodes from @otrsupernatural & Carrying Wayward, one super clear example of why has just snapped into place & I feel compelled to share it.

So I want to start by noting a couple things that stand out. First & foremost, I think JDM is an incredible actor & I think he brings his A game with his portrayal of John. John Winchester is undeniably an asshole, & yet JDM balances that so well against the idea of loving parent, to not only make the character more realistic, but also to give real authenticity & depth to the trauma his children experienced at his hands & answer why they act the way they do in regards to him as their parent.

John is someone who, on the surface, appears to be a loving and concerned father, who makes mistakes, but does so because he’s in shitty circumstances & doesn’t have a lot of options or has his own trauma to battle that limits the choices he believes he has.

However, the show also gives us other content that proves there is more to John than that caring but broken man from as early as S1 & into the beginning of S2, & this content screams the truth of his ableism & homophobia, & gives some really strong evidence as to why these are two of the primary struggles of his children through the end of the series.

To explain, we 1st have to look at characters from earlier in S1. In 1x10, Asylum, we are introduced to Dr. Ellicott. He is shown to be someone who is canonically ableist to people with MHI. He sees them as less human, he does unethical experiments on them, he tortures them, just, lots of gross stuff there. On top of that, we see him as a ghost using what appears to be electrical shocks to Sam & Dean to possess & harm them, which resembles electroshock. There are also strong echoes of conversion therapy in this episode.

After this, we have 1x12, Faith, where Sue Ann is using dark magic to attack & murder people she hates, which specifically includes a woman who was pro choice & a gay man. This not only shows that she was homophobic, but that she condemned sexual freedom & bodily autonomy for women as well, which is in relation to homophobia, as well as deeply rooted in misogyny.

So essentially, we are shown a doctor who tries to force people to be less mentally ill or queer by “curing” them, & then a woman who took it a step further & murdered them to “cleanse” the town. We are given two different, but very interwoven ways with which society has tried to get rid of queers & disabled people, & it’s not subtext, it’s literally stated.

Now, in the show, both Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are the villains, & while the show demonstrates their ableism & homophobia, it also clearly condemns them for those actions. They are both dead/gone by the end of the episode & their actions are shown as evil. This is SO important, especially for a show that has failed in other episodes to truly state what exactly is the problematic action in the episode (looking at you, Bugs & Route 666).

That said, if Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are villains, then we must also extrapolate that ableism & homophobia are intentionally being written as evil in the show, so other characters who demonstrate these actions are also bad. (Yes, I know I’m being super redundant right now, but I just want to be really damn clear on this to demonstrate why I believe John’s characterization is intentional).

Now, in 1x21, John finally “learns” about Sam’s psychic abilities, & I say that in quotes bc there’s reason to believe he knew about it already from Missouri & was just in denial until confronted with the evidence, at which point he has a very strong reaction. As Ali pointed out, it’s interesting that he has such a strong negative reaction, as he clearly doesn’t have an issue with Missouri as a psychic, & yet he’s upset about Sam being one. He demonstrates the mindset of “othering” people outside of his family, which is a common treatment of both people w/ MHI & queer people - the mentality that “those people” are fine in general, but “not my son/daughter/family/me”.

So here in that episode, we are already getting an attitude from him that clearly parallels ableism & homophobia, & that is on top of other comments he made that are clearly rooted in misogyny, like his “that’s my man” to Dean in the flashback in Something Wicked This Way Comes (1x18).

THEN - the final nail in the coffin is the “secret” he tells Dean before he dies in 2x1; that Dean needs to either save Sam or stop him. By now it’s crystal clear he views Sam as something “other”, something not fully human, & his response? It’s literally “cure or cleanse”. Either make him “normal” or get rid of him.

To repeat, John LITERALLY uses ableist & homophobic language & tactics towards him son because he is different, & also tries to force Dean to do the same, passing on that legacy, by trying to erase anything about Sam thats not his personal definition of “normal”, all out of FEAR of who his son is & what he might do.

And the show CONDEMNS this behavior from the very beginning, even before we ever see him act this way!! They make it clear that ableism & homophobia are BAD, show John act that way, & then condemn him AGAIN when Dean tells Sam & it is made clear to the audience that what John asked of him was wrong.

Like… holy fuck. There is literally no way I can watch this & not believe that his characterization was not 100% intentional with him being set up as a bad person & his actions as condemnable. It’s just not narratively possible. John Winchester was intentionally written to be an asshole & we are supposed to see him as one, & any love we see from him is only meant to validate the complicated feelings Sam & Dean have towards him, not undermine the knowledge that he is a bad person. It’s literally in the text.

*Edit - Im adding a point here, since it’s been brought to my attention. John’s concern about Sam being infected with demon blood & possibly corrupted does not detract from the parallel being made between his actions & those of IRL people who are homophobic or ableist. In fact, this is another argument for that in interpretation, & here is why -

For literal thousands of years, mental illness has been viewed as demonic. People w/ MHI were thought to be possessed, evil incarnations, or even just sinfully corrupt & given to wickedness. People w/ physical disabilities were believed to be punished for moral failings, not faithful enough, etc, etc. Queer people were believed to be sexually deviant, witches, destroyers of families, etc.

These beliefs carry across many religions, but especially Christianity, & are present even today in some more extreme sects. And the people that believed these things? Well many of them were parents who “loved” their child & were trying to protect them from evil by purifying them. They too believed they had valid fears & good reasons to torture, maim, & even kill their children.

So to anyone who would argue “well it’s not the same because John had a good reason to be afraid of Sam” - shut the fuck up, because no, he didn’t.

Sam hadn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t doing anything worth killing him over. He was a good kid who was hurt by someone outside his control & yet he only started doing anything that was truly wrong when he was pushed to it by circumstances that were again, beyond his control, & only then bc he was trying to do what was right!!

Anyone would do that, not just a kid w/ some demon blood powers. So let’s not act like he was inherently dangerous just BC he was different, bc guess what? That’s part of that mindset too. Sam was a good fucking person & John seeing him as less was John’s failing, not Sam’s.

[what-about-sastiel-samstiel]

This is family

Idk where I was going with this, canon typical violence, set in season 11? Uh the events that take place immediately after Amara and Chuck taking sabbatical. No beta we die like Bobby

( Sam still sees lucifer when he has no control over anything his brain does, in dire near death experiences, as exampled here etc.)

Sam x Castiel

Castiel was never one to read that much into relationships, romantically concerned, of course. But if they had solidified their bond as one thing he never looked at it in a different lense after that.

He acknowledged that the relationship may have changed, grown but always regarded it with the official label that was put between the two participants.

But now, after he had killed- and... Tortured, to some extent, people who might have (yes, might have, they weren't even sure.) Had a lead on Sam he reviewed the relationship again. Sitting in silence in the back of the Impala as Mary and Dean drove.

Sam at first was seen as the abomination of the world.

Though after being given a choice of freewill and watching the two, Sam, he had endured and fixed so much. Never complained about it outside of his brother. And even then he still he kept looking for ways to fix things. Things that didn't have to do with him. Ignored his overall health to help others that he didn't know, had fought the good fight and smiled most the way through.

Not to mention what his soul had gone through.

It was so frail, and wounded; energy, which should of been what he sesned when he retrieved it wasn't present, but replaced with fear. He held Sam's soul in the palm of his hand, and it was so damaged- Lucifer had done so much...

He'd admit that having gotten his soul out from that depth also added to his new found bond with the Winchester. But, that just amplified what he felt.

With Deans rise from perdition, he did have a 'bond', he was ordered to keep him alive, after all, he was the key to winning the fated battle. But, that was it. Sure it does add a slight more intimate aspect of their relationship but nothing like that.

Sam's rise however..

Sam was so eager to give his life for the cause at every turn, desperate to make up for all he had done, but, if you gave an abomination like Lucifer and his offspring a chance to redeem themselves, but paired it with free will, they'd squander it. They're too selfish not to! But, Sam, however, kept it as his first priority. Even when he went.. 'Darkside' (or darkseid?) He did it for what he thought was the right reasons.

Castiel respected him for that, he knew all too well what going down that path was like, and he justified it for heaven, and the angels but that doesn't make any of it okay. But Sam had comforted him.

"Cas, I know how it feels, you think you're doing it for these right reasons and it all crumbles around you and you're at fault. Weather the reasons were pure or not-"

The car swerved and through the heavy pants and Dean's cursing, the car door opened.

***

Sam gripped the shard tightly, acutely aware of the damage he was causing. He deserved it, anyway. Not that Dean would see it that way. Dean was always blind when it came to the ugly truth of his kid brother.

Hazel met Hazel, he supposed that's 7 years of bad luck, though in all honesty it seemed like his everyday life.

Memories danced around his vision, Lucifers laughs filled the back ground before coming to a halt.

"Really, Sammy? "

Turning around halfway and glancing behind his shoulder, he saw Lucifer. Hands held neatly in front of him, a scoff across his features.

"I know you suck, but, c'mon Sam, it was a petite girl!"

Sam twitched.

"And what, you're here, hoping big brother Dean will save you?" Lucifer paced, one hand on his elbow the other under his chin.

Sam didn't dare respond, he knew he was being watched, and if they figured out, he was still haunted by Lucifer it's a whole other level of done for.

"Come on, Samantha, talk to me! I hardly come around, and the one time I do?" He steps closer. "You're in someone's fun time basement, now, I don't judge, I mean" he chuckles continuing his advancements. "You do you, But, Sam, I could get you out of here."

His head pounded again, and he had to stifle a groan as his vision blurred.

"Sammy? Cmon man, do I have to go the whole nine yards with you?! Really?!"

Sam internally cursed, his left hand reaching up and gripping his temple.

"Sammy, I do miss our time together, really, I do." Lucifer was now leaning on the wall next to the shattered mirror.

"And I can't help but notice that your stupid little trick isn't helping!" He sing-songed, a malicious smile playing onto his lips.

Sam opened his mouth but it closed just as quickly, a vision of Dean dying, blaming Sam for it and ultimately causing him to grip the blade harder.

"I can make it stop," Lucifer continued to sing his words, walking up to Sam's shoulder.

Sam felt a tug on his tongue, beckoning him to spill his thoughts but he forced himself to remain silent, his glare only becoming more pointed.

"Awhawhaw... Isn't that cute?" Lucifer mused, gripping Sam's shoulder tightly. "She thinks she can get into your head!"

"Sam! Sam! Please, Sam!!" A different vision wailed, this time in Castiels Gravelly voice.

"Doesn't she know you've got nothing but mush stored up there?" He gritted out, pushing at Sam's head as he spoke, anger clear in his voice.

Sam flinched causing Lucifer to pause and chuckle. He continued closing the small distance around Sam, turning to face him again when he finished.

"Alright, Sam, talk to me, annnnddd I mightt," he looked into Sam's eyes, "might," he repeated, pointing at him for dramatic effect. "Let at least Dean live-"

Lucifer stopped, and then started again. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, hes done too fucking much, but maybe Mary? Eh?" He nudged Sam's shoulder like he were a friend.

Sam couldn't stop the pained groan that escaped him, surprised to hear a hint of a sob in there.

Everything was so foggy, so painful-

"Cassie?" Lucifer poked Sam's head again, trying to provoke a response.

Sam was close, so fucking close to breaking, Lucifer could see it.

"SaAaAm," Lucifer mocked the newest vision and flailed his arms a bit as he did so.

Lucifer was just about to continue his charades when Sam huffed and slit his throat abruptly, blood spewing out of the wound, Sam sat down, failing in not falling as he did so.

"Oo.. What a crash," Lucifer spoke as Sam landed on his ass.

"Oof, Sammy, I didn't think you'd stoop so low." He sighed, barely catching a glimpse of Sams bitch face as he struggled to keep consciousness.

It was barely a moment before Sam felt a hand on his throat, pressing down with force, he looked into the eyes and saw red. Lucifer was pissed.

"Sam, Sam, Sam," he sneered, getting even closer to the boy on the ground. "Pathetic, useless little Sam,"

He put more pressure onto Sam's wound.

Sam gasped, he had hoped whoever was watching him at this time would come in, try and save him ultimately allowing his escape, but Lucifer has other plans.

Lucifer licked his lips, before gesturing vaguely to a vision behind him; Jess burned before his eyes.

"Eh, let's change it up. What do you think, sport?" Lucifer crouched by Sam and with a flick of his wrist the vision changed.

Sam when he had demon blood in him, starting the apocalypse, played.

"Booorrriinngggg, "

It was like the channel changed, and Sam was now trying to kill Bobby. His father, and he didn't even care for Bobbys voice of reason.

"Hm, I like this one, you have a bit of character here."

He flicked his wrist again.

"Oo! Don't change the channel! Let's make popcorn." He laughed as visions of Sam killing countless demons and their mortal hosts for a hint about Dean's whereabouts.

"Honestly, Sam, this is where I knew for sure that you belonged in the cage. "

Lucifer shrugged.

"I mean, sure, countless people have died on your watch."

Sam winced, now wishing that his cut had been deeper.

"But brushing them under the carpet, look how many you killed... On purpose!" Lucifer turned to Sam, still amused. "Oh, and the ways you did it too..... Mmm, creative, I assure you. My favorite parts were the families, did you know, that that much grief and anger is kinda a turn on?"

Sam set his jaw, trying desperately to block out the arch angel. Sam noticed his shirt was sticky, looking down only to see blood seeping into his shirt and clinging to his chest. As if on cue, his vision blurred and his head felt as if someone had a jackhammer in there.

It took a lot more to recover this time, not even fully recovering as Lucifer decided to continue.

"Speaking of, why don't you ever talk about us" Lucifer gestured to himself and Sam.

"I mean, we have history. More so than old Jessica." Sam had to use all his willpower to not acknowledge the fallen angel, choosing to grab the shard of glass with his other hand, now noticing a large gash in its place.

"Sammy," Lucifer stared into Sam's own eyes, as Sam brought the shard slowly back up to his throat, "Sammy!"

Sam began to look at the devil confused as Lucifer began to say his name like a mantra.

He felt hands shake his shoulder, and all of a sudden Lucifer dissipated, being replaced by Dean.

"Sammy! Stay with me okay?" He yanked the shard out of Sam's hand throwing it somewhere behind him.

Sam gave a half assed nod, still unclear on his surroundings besides Dean. He does know however, that someone caught his brothers attention, he confirmed this when he heard a faint "Cas, *mumble mumble* brother."

A moment later he felt strong hands on his shoulders, a deep sound swallowing him whole, comfortingly soothing. Soon after he decided to give in to unconsciousness as it tugged at his eyelids. And all that was left was darkness and muffled voices.

**

Sam woke, the urge to vomit was pushed down as well as he could manage trying to gather his surroundings.

He was back at the bunker, hands bandaged and he assumed his neck was too when an uncomfortable scratch tore at his jaw.

"Sam," the same Gravelly voice from the visions, and faintly remembers it after too, rung in his ears in a welcoming tune. "You're awake."

Sam allowed himself to take in the angels features, and boy did he look like an angel.

Before he could stare he spoke up, fear rushing through him, "Dean, Mom- whe-" he rasped and winced as his throat turned up dry.

Castiel shushed him, placing a soothing hand on his shoulder as if telling him to lie back down.

"They're fine, Dean's taking a shower and your mother is sleeping."

Castiel smiled gently, and god was it not one of the most beautiful and calming things he had ever seen.

"Here, Sam, you should drink."

Castiel brought a glass of water from the nightstand and brought it to his lips, carefully making sure Sam drank it, either ignoring Sam's blush or not noticing.

Sam gasped gently when he finished, thanking the angel with a nod.

"Thanks, Cas, I really appreciate it." Cas hummed.

"It's no problem, at all, Sam Winchester. " Cas looked away and looked back quickly, a tiny hint of a blush crawling up his neck.

"I'm sorry I couldn't just heal you. She had quite the impressive magic spell on you, and drugs." He finished angrily, but quickly schooled himself.

"I could however heal your feet, much to my relief and surprise."

Sam nodded and smiled. "I don't know how any of us manage without you, Cas."

Sam looked groggy, and on the edge of falling back asleep but still Castiel flushed upon Sam gently holding his hand.

Castiel didn't know what came over him, but the words fell from his lips before he could stop them. "Sam, we we're so worried- I, was worried, you scared me out my wits when I saw you in that basement, murmuring about people who weren't there-" Castiel choked, his usual stoicness had completely disappeared.

Cas tightened his hold on Sam's hand, "I was so... Scared, we all were.. And seeing you like that? I will never let any harm be done to you again. I swear. You're worth to much, for everyone, to me.." Castiel ended his rant by finally looking Sam in the eye.

Sam was smiling like an idiot and his eyes were strainging to stay open, determined to not miss a moment.

"Cas-"

"Boooo, total chics." Dean interrupted, sitting on the other side of the bed, brushing the obnoxiously long hair aside to look at his baby brother.

"Heya Sammy.. How we feeling?"

"Good, tired, but I'm sure I'll feel at a hundred percent with sleep." His eyes drooped more as if to emphasize.

Dean smiled pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. Refusing to leave I order to make sure he was okay.

It wasn't lost on any of them that Sam and Castiels hands were still intertwined, and Dean made sure to talk to Castiel about his intentions later, but for now he was dozing off along with his little brother.

Sam couldn't be happier. The emotional rollercoaster was more than enough to drag him back to sleep for days if he let it. But this was good. This was nice. This was his family.

[kosmikowboj]

I want to preface this by saying I do Not celebrate Easter and I don’t think TFW would either, but my mom told me a story about how when I was really little we went to an Easter egg hunt and the older kids kept stealing eggs from me, and it cracked me up so much that this ficlet was born. enjoy <3

Napinis

[word count: 1,315]

This was a bad idea.

(Which was why, if anyone asked, Dean was going to say it was Cas’s.)

After stopping the apocalypse for what was (hopefully) the last time and dragging Cas’s ass out of the Empty, Dean had promptly thrown up his hands and retired. At first, that had consisted of wrestling with his sobriety while Cas secretly house-hunted behind his back; then it had consisted of settling down in a small farmhouse with their antichrist baby and some chickens, and a garden in the front yard notorious for its never-ending supply of green beans. Nearly every day when morning broke, Dean would roll over in Cas’s arms and squint against the sun, realizing he had forgotten to close the blinds the night previous; he was still getting used to having to close blinds at all. He lived in a house. With the love of his life and their kid!

That was not the bad idea. By all accounts, that was a fantastic idea—Dean felt a whole lot less shitty about existing when it consisted of Cas, and Jack, and bees on freshly bloomed flowers, and Sunday farmers’ markets. It was peaceful. Dean hadn’t ever thought he would get peaceful. 

No, the bad idea was taking Jack to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. He was all of five-years-old (nearly six), which meant he could run really fast when he was trying to avoid bedtime but not as fast as, say, a boy who was all of eight-years-old. Or multiple boys who were eight-years-old. Consequently, Jack spent most of his egg-hunting time with an empty basket, trotting up to an egg he had found only to have some older kid speed by and snatch it up at the last second. All things considered, Jack was taking it relatively well—he would just kind of blink as if to say, Where’d it go? and then keep wandering around the grass to find more. 

It was after about the fifth or sixth egg snatch that he started to get frustrated, and after the seventh that he plopped down in the grass and started crying. His basket was still empty, aside from the single egg they had given all the kids as an example of what to look for, and he pointedly refused to look at it.

“Wanna go home,” he mumbled when Dean hurried over and knelt down next to him. Dean sat down all the way and Jack promptly climbed into his lap, scrubbing roughly at the tears on his cheeks with his hands.

“I’m with you, bub,” Dean agreed, pressing a small kiss to the top of his forehead as he gently pulled Jack’s fingers away from his reddened face. “If your daddy wasn’t busy chatting with the neighborhood moms,” he nodded towards where Cas was talking animatedly with several women about...flowers, or something, “we’d be outta here.” 

Cas, in fact, seemed completely oblivious to the fact that their son had given up on their late morning activity, fully engrossed in his conversation. Dean narrowed his eyes, and then looked over to where the rest of the kids were still looking for Easter eggs. They had to be nearing some of the final ones now. 

“Hey Jack,” Dean whispered loudly, and Jack perked up almost immediately. He had started calling it "Pops’ adventure whisper,” which always made Dean crack up. “Would you be willing to give it another go if I helped you out?”

“Parents aren’t allowed,” Jack pointed out sadly. 

“Neither are asshole kids,” Dean argued.

“Daddy says you shouldn’t say that word!” 

“Daddy is too involved in conversation to scold me.” Dean stood up, holding Jack against his chest. He was going to be too big for Dean to do that soon. “C’mon. It’ll be fun.” 

“Okay,” Jack said, kicking Dean’s stomach as a signal that he would like to be put down now, thank you very much. Dean chuckled and set him down, trailing after him as he peeked in bushes and behind trees looking for eggs. Any time it seemed as though someone might take an egg before Jack could get to it, Dean would sprint forward and scare them off, repeatedly sending Jack into a fit of giggles that almost made him forget there were Easter eggs in the offing. 

He ended up with a grand total of five, including the one he had received just for showing up, but he didn’t seem to mind his small bounty that much—after it was announced that the hunt was over (and Dean smiled a tad to himself at the realization that this was the only kind of hunt he would have to worry about from now on), he ran over and very proudly showed his basket to Cas.

“Daddy look!” 

“Wow!” Cas gasped, smiling as he knelt down to Jack’s level. “You did a great job, Jack. I’m very proud of you.”

“Pops helped,” Jack beamed, looking back at Dean. Dean returned the smile, but was inwardly cursing his kid’s sudden willingness to share credit—he had no doubt he was about to get an earful from Cas about the integrity of the neighborhood Easter egg hunt, and—

“Pops wasn’t suppose to help,” Cas said, scowling over the top of Jack’s head at Dean. Yep, there it was.

“Pops was tired of watching older kids steal from his kid,” Dean shot back. 

“Is that why Judith’s son is crying?” 

Silence. 

“Dean.”

“Cas.”

Cas leveled Dean with one of what Dean called his “angel stares.”

(Nevermind the fact that Cas wasn’t an angel anymore; the ability to intimidate had stayed, apparently).

“I didn’t do anything!” Dean exclaimed, holding his hands up in self-defense. And then, more quietly, “If he got scared by me running at him so he wouldn’t steal from Jack, that’s his problem.” 

Cas shook his head, but Dean could see he was trying not to laugh, so he had won, clearly.

“Are you five, Dean?” Cas asked, fighting back a grin as he stood up.

“I’m five!” Jack supplied helpfully. “I have one egg for each year I have been born.” He looked up at his dads hopefully. “I can get six next year.”

“You sure can,” Cas agreed. He held his hand out and Jack took it eagerly, swinging his basket with the other as they started back towards the car (most notably not Baby, because apparently Baby was “atrociously unsafe for a child”). Dean furrowed his eyebrows.

“No pouting. I have two hands,” Cas said, waving his free hand in front of Dean’s face. Dean tried to grab it but Cas pulled it back. “Go apologize to Ryan.”

Dean groaned. “I’ll apologize to Ryan when he apologizes to Jack.”

“He’s eight, Dean.”

“And I’m forty-four. What’s your point?”

“I was hoping my forty-four-year-old husband might have more maturity than an eight-year-old.” Cas rolled his eyes, and then turned them into those stupid puppy dog ones he had learned from Sam. “Please? Judith is going to glare at me the entirety of next week’s book club if you don’t.”

Dean gave a deep, dramatic sigh. “Fine. Can we get paninis for lunch after I apologize, at least?”

“I love napinis!” Jack cheered. “Can we please get napinis Daddy? Please please please—”

“Yes. We can get paninis.” Cas turned to Dean. “You are a terror and a menace.”

“Yeah, well, you have the really hot angel who raised me from perdition to blame for that.”

Cas gave a warm, sunshine smile, kissing Dean softly.

“Gross!” Jack said, making a fake gagging sound to accentuate his point.

Cas and Dean, in typical parent fashion, proceeded to make a bunch of gross fake kissing noises until Jack’s vehement protesting finally broke them apart.

“You still have to apologize to Ryan,” Cas said.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. I’ll meet you and Jack back at the car?”

“Mhm. Love you.”

“Love you too, Cas.”

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Sigh. It’s quiet today, so I guess it’s about time to talk about 12x06: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox.  

This is an episode without Cas, so clearly it revolves entirely around Cas (I'm kidding, but only a little bit).  It’s also a bottle episode and a meta writer’s wet dream, so excuse me while I nerd out - this is a long one to unpack, and I have spent too much time doing it for you.  That’s ok because, as Sam says:

DIVE IN AFTER THE CUT BUDDIES!

The Asa montage is where we start.

Asa is a Dean mirror. The parallels are pretty clear - he’s a scruffy rough around the edges hunter, Mary is the reason he got into hunting, he wears a ton of flannel, etc.  If you remain unsure, the writers throw this in at the very beginning in the montage of Asa’s life as a hunter So That You Know:

Bucky: Hey, you know they make new cars, right? Asa: I don’t want a new car. This is my lucky car. 

***Canadian!Dean confirmed.

Shaine Jones may also be the Canadian Jensen Ackles.

I don’t make the rules ok?

Back in the US, the boys surprise Jody with a visit. 

In case you forgot the episode prior to this one:

Side note: domestic Jody gives me life. 

We’re clearly supposed to see how Jody is a mom figure for the boys, and it feels nice for them to have that, especially since Mary is Taking Some Space.  Their entire dynamic warms even my cold black soul.

[romantic scene of a couple silhouetted against a sunset while sweeping music plays on Jody’s TV. The couple kisses.] 

DEAN

[his mouth full of pizza] Jody, you watching some kind of chick flick here?

JODY

Well, Dean. I’m a chick. 

Kim Rhodes YOU ARE A DELIGHT.  A side note - I know this exchange is supposed to be funny, but I feel sad for Dean (who clearly is a rom com chick).  This is a perfect example of Dean struggling to present some fabricated image of heteronormative masculinity that’s not the heart of who he actually is.  His surprise that a “badass sheriff chick” can also enjoy rom coms makes me fucking upset.  

ALSO:

Anyway, Asa has passed on and the boys tag along with Jody to the wake in support.  

SAM

Yeah, no, Jody. We… we know you’ll be fine, but… you know, we never go to hunter gatherings, outside of bars. Dad always said they were trouble, so…

DEAN

Yes, you’d be doing us a favor if you let us tag along.

***more receipts that John Winchester was an isolating abuser.  They could have at least had a normal HUNTER life and friends who hunted.

SAM  

That is a big house. [Music continues playing, coming from inside the house now]

***We now establish one “theme” of the episode.

JODY

Family home. Asa was just a guy. 

AKA pretty brutal implication that Asa didn’t have a family of his own.

Speaking of implications:

[Jody removes her coat and the three of them begin mingling. Dean finds his way to the kitchen and a cooler full of beer] DEAN

No label. Well, that’s a red flag. 

****LOL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON****

....

....

....

GIRL SEND HELP

Enter Bucky, who is actually (SPOILER!) the villain of the episode.

Do all hunters just walk around with this manly flannel/weird symbolic necklace combo?  Looking at you Bucky and Dean.  

Dean is surprised to find that people know who he is:

But doesn’t seem to have an issue with it until -

***Someone who just bragged the entire five hour car ride about killing Hitler shouldn’t be this concerned about what people are saying about him right? 

Or is he thinking it may involve something he isn’t comfortable sharing - since apparently there are things Dean doesn’t feel comfortable sharing as established by the prior couch conversation with Jody?  Hmmmmmm...

***Compare the expressions.  The “you’ve died four times” response is the same as the smug/proud “I killed Hitler” face.  The reaction to the “stories” is the “hey this is my personal business” reaction Dean had to Sam’s Japanese erotica art form comment. He is thinking specifically about something personal.

I wonder what it could be.

I don’t think any one had to teach Max Banes the art of seduction, but also thank you.

Also, manifesting Dean being raised by Max and Alicia’s Cool Witch Mom instead of John Trash Winchester.  Because that’s what we’re supposed to think here, correct?  Two sibling hunters usually present a brother mirror.

Worth noting Sam’s surprise that witches can also be hunters.  The John Winchester Bigotry Brain Rot runs deep.  (GOD the Sam-witch thing would have driven him crazy I LIVE FOR THAT).

Dean escapes to Asa’s office/room and proceeds to go through his things.

[Dean is in Asa’s office and finds an angel blade mounted on blue velvet inside an ornate glass-lidded box. He opens it, reaches in and pulls out the angel blade, comfortably spinning it in his hand when Sam walks in.]

SAM

Hey.

DEAN

Oh, hi. This is a real Angel Blade. I mean, this guy was legit. 

***that’s weird, why does Canadian!Dean have an angel blade?  We haven’t heard anything about angels yet, and it wasn’t in the opening montage.  Hmmmmmm, I say. Hmmmmmmm...

***Sam is also concerned about The Stories They Tell 

This one particularly:

Honestly I don’t know why he’s THAT surprised that people know he was possessed by Lucifer?  Didn’t he start like multiple apocalypses?  That’s something people tend to be in the know about. Anyhoo.

DEAN

Yeah. Apparently we’re a little bit legendary. 

SAM 

Yeah, but, I mean, so was Asa. Then a hunt went bad, and he ended up hanging from a tree, alone in the woods.

DEAN

He died on the job. No better way to go. 

SAM

You really believe that? 

DEAN

Yeah. What, you don’t? I mean, come on, Sam, it's not like we're in the “live till you're 90, die in your sleep” business. This? [Dean points at Asa’s hunting wall] This only ends one way. 

***Insert deep internal screaming about 15x20 here***

It’s Jody’s turn to be uncomfortable as we find out she and Asa were more than just friends and everyone knew it and Said Things About It and Told Stories About It.

HMMMMMMM...

Dean is surprised that Jody not only enjoys rom coms, but ruggedly hot men. Another thing they have in common.

As Dean comes to terms with the idea that Jody can be a mother figure and also a human person with a life and her own feelings and needs and thoughts, enter the person whom said lesson is actually about:

This is a Kim Rhodes Facial Expression stan account now.

So cute how Jody knows immediately that Dean is not okay.  Time to reach:

JODY

Huh. Is that why you spent the entire ride up here telling me in extreme, excruciating detail how you killed Hitler, but, uh, you neglected to mention the fact that your mom is back from the dead? 

***look, it’s another Dean doesn’t like others knowing personal information parallel!***

DEAN 

Yeah, no big deal. 

JODY

That’s a lie.

DEAN

JODY …

JODY

Look, maybe this isn't my place, and this is epic stuff, but

JODY

Yeah. Because what if I’ve changed. What if they changed? What if it just didn’t work out the way I wanted?  If you wanna talk about anything

***Killing Hitler used yet again to show Dean doesn’t care about oversharing hunting stories, but he doesn’t like for people to know personal ones.  Also, Jody mentions her son and her husband.  Her family and her romantic partner.  

Dean wasn’t just reunited with Mary this season. He was also reunited with Cas, after saying goodbye to him at the end of Season 11 when he headed to what he thought was going to be his death as the Amara-bomb.

So, this conversation isn't just about Mary (the “anything”).  It’s also about Cas (the”...absolutely anything”).

Mary chats with Mama Fox and more Points Are Made about hunters not getting to have a “normal life” or family:

MARY

I saved his life. 

LORRAINE

[scoffing] What am I supposed to say to that? After you, Asa got so… Hunting was his whole life. He never married. Never had a family, kids. And now… enjoy the wake. 

***sending Mary on a guilt spiral about Asa (mirroring her other guilt spiral about hunting as a life for her own sons)

Speaking of mirrors:

BUCKY

And Asa loved that Jeep. Fuses were shorted, fuel line was busted. Ah, he didn’t care. He’d just roll up his sleeves, he’d get right to work. 

Time to learn about today’s Big Bad.

BUCKY

Jael. He’s a crossroads demon. And he hangs people. It’s his thing. Snaps their neck, slits their throat. He’s a real piece of work. 

***Wait a second.  Jael is a demon?  Don’t...angel’s names usually end in “el” in SPNverse?

Samandriel.

Uriel.

Gabriel.

Raphael.

Gadreel.

Castiel.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Anyways the demon [questionable] killed Asa and now everyone  is trapped and also In Grave Danger.  

BUCKY

Exactly. Right, so five years later, Jael– he came back, and he came for Asa. 

JODY

How so? 

BUCKY

Asa was seeing this woman, right? She had a kid. 

LORRAINE

Marlene. 

BUCKY

Yeah, Marlene. Jael got into her. It didn’t matter that he was killing people, he wanted Asa to know it was personal. He gets off on it. 

***that’s so weird, didn’t someone else in the show start seeing a woman with a kid - 

what a sexy little coincidence.

oh and didnt  a supernatural being come back right around that time too - 

HMMMMMMMM.  No killing though.  That’s the difference between angels and demons, I guess.

(meanwhile Dean has been drinking alone outside - as he does, and is realizing he can’t get back in)

HI QUEEN

Also, this immediately took me to 

this show isn’t fair.

****sob break****

Jael Posession 1:

So curious how there are two siblings and then one gets possessed by something Satanic and the other one is good at seducing men.

SO FUCKING CURIOUS.

Jael Possession 2:

Elvis. Random.  Though he was the guy who brought up the Stories Sam Was Surprised Were Circulating -

He was also oddly interested in it.  Methinks Elvis thoroughly enjoyed the Jael possession.

Bilie gets Dean back in the house.  The words “one-time deal” are said a lot of times.

BONUS: Jensen why are you so pretty:

The hunters get to work, and I live for Max Bane’s pentagram aesthetic.

MAX

I like a Fifth Pentacle of Mars. It’s got more character. 

***TBH, same.

Jael possession 3:

****Kim Rhodes is even better when she is playing evil.

JODY/JAEL:

I had so hoped you’d kill your mom. Wouldn’t that be a riot? 

[Mary draws the angel blade and charges at Jody. She cuts Jody’s arm before Sam wrestles her away.] 

SAM

No! Mom!

MARY

What are you doing?! She’s a demon. We kill demons. 

******WOOF MARY - I REPEAT TO YOU THAT THE JOHN TRASH WINCHESTER BRAIN ROT RUNS DEEP.

Also did you immediately flash back to this with me?

Gets me thinking that Dean’s feelings for Cas are made twice as complicated by the fact that he is also a supernatural creature.  Another Reason Why John Winchester Would Disapprove.

****Just as he would Disapprove of Sam Being Possessed By the Devil and all that (never forget he told Dean to kill him because of the whole made unclean by demon blood thing). 

Right on cue:

JODY/JAEL

Oh, I have heard so many stories about you Winchesters. And I desperately want the Lucifer thing to be true.  

***Stories again. Jael proceeds to go into Stories That Are Dark Personal Shameful Secrets:

JAEL

As for the rest of you, I have been inside your heads. I know all about you. For example, the twins. Too frightened to tell anyone that they actually came to say goodbye to their daddy. Or the grieving mother who hated the fact that her son was a hunter so much she’d hide his gear, she’d sabotage his Jeep, anything to keep him from hunting. Not that it worked. Could’ve tried harder, huh? 

[She gestures at her own face] And this meatsuit you all seem to care so much about. She actually fantasized about a life with Asa. Can you believe that? Like that worthless man– 

***HMMMMMMMMM

[Bucky gets off the floor and sneaks up behind Jody/Jael] 

BUCKY 

Shut your filthy mouth. 

[Jody/Jael grabs Bucky by the neck and forces him to his knees] 

JODY/JAEL

And you. Bucky. Brave, brave Bucky. I was there that night. Tell these nice, stupid people what you did. Tell them what you took from me. Asa was mine. 

***Excuse me? THIS IS GETTING VERY...subtextual.  A dark timeline supernatural being/hunter relationship [ending badly because demons only know how to take, consume and possess]? ...Asael?  CURIOUS. 

They chant the exorcism, a different hunter doing each iteration (beautifully done) 

and send Jael back to hell, but not before Bucky shares his Shameful Story - he’s the one who killed Asa.

Elaboration:

BUCKY

Asa, he was just all– he was just always so stubborn. Look, we were in the woods. [We see the scene play out as Bucky describes it] Jael, he… he was taunting him. Asa wanted to chase him, but he didn’t have the angel blade. I said, “Let’s go back.” He called me a coward, and he shoved me, so I shoved him back, and he fell. He hit his head. Asa? I didn’t mean to do it. But it was a mistake. Asa. Asa? An accident. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. Asa hated that damn demon so much that I just…

DEAN

Oh, you thought people would buy that Jael killed him? So you hung your best friend to cover your own ass. 

BUCKY

What are you gonna do to me? 

ALICIA:

Tell everyone, every hunter we meet. They’re gonna know your name, Bucky. Know what you did. 

MAX

You like stories. This is the story everyone’s gonna tell about you. Forever. 

***Shameful Stories that Define You, what a theme.  Also, definitely a supernatural being potentially having some subtextual feelings for Canadian!Dean.  Hmmm.

***Funeral pyre and side discussion about how Asa did have a family, and children, and a potential supernatural sidepiece.

In conclusion, Supernatural is a love story.  Thank you for watching this dark timeline/Canadian dub.  You’re dismissed for the day.  Go eat bacon.

[evas-spn-thoughts]

When Dean is scared, he gets angry - a rant.

Okay, I'm listening to a supernatural podcast. Now, don't get me wrong, I truly love this podcast and it's been so great to listen to and I have a great time - but my god do I feel like they don't know Dean Winchester.

However, it is fair to say that they don't dive into the characters as much as I do or maybe they just see the characters different to me, which is fine but it doesn't detract from my annoyance. This podcast is also over, so I can't send in any post season feedback on my thoughts, so instead I am gonna rant on here about my thoughts on Dean Winchester and his fear.

So to paint the picture... I'm listening to their coverage of the final episodes of s14 and they are talking about Dean and how angry he gets in those episodes. Now I am a Dean girl and he is my favourite character but also the way he reacts to his emotions is very obvious to me and I see myself in him, especially in him not functioning well when he is scared.

So to get to the crux of what I'm trying to say - Dean Winchester is emotional, he cries a lot more than Sam or any other character - and that is partly because Jensen gets a lot of the emotional moments - but also because Dean feels his emotions obviously and outwardly compared to a lot of the Supernatural characters. He feels so much that he actually cannot contain it, and that's why he's so loveable and loved - but also why he can be so frantic and feel stretched thin in certain storylines.

Something that is core to Dean Winchester is that when he gets scared he transforms that fear into anger. The majority of the time Dean is angry, it's actually because he is so scared of what is happening to him, or to a loved one, or just scared of what he is feeling and how much he cares.

This is key to understanding Dean Winchester, it is a fact of his character, but it's not stated obviously, you need to just watch and get it. Which is why some people do not see it, they only see the anger.

He does explain it in 12x10, he states clearly to Cas - "I'm not mad. I'm worried" - and this is one of the few times it's told and not shown, but unless you tie this fact into your fundamental knowledge of Dean Winchester it's easy to overlook. Even Sam and Cas assume that for the whole of 12x10 Dean is angry, so I do get how the audience can see it as purely anger, even though it isn't.

But I get annoyed when situations like the end of season 14 happen, and people on a podcast that I love read it as 'oh Dean is just so angry', it grinds my gears because to me, Dean is so clearly terrified that something has happened to his mom.

He is running on fear for that whole season tbh, he's just been possessed by Michael - and Dean doesn't like feeling out of control. He then moves into finding out his kid has potentially killed his mom and his best friend has known Jack hasn't been 100% right but hasn't told anyone, so how is he supposed to react rationally to all of this - Dean is all about trust and protecting his family, but to do so, he needs the whole picture.

Dean Winchester has 1 fundamental rule and that is to protect his family, and that is how he goes through life. In season 14, his mom is missing and his son is murdering people he loves, and his best friend kept information from him that got his mom killed. There is no clear good or bad guy for Dean to kill, so he gets scared and then get's angry - at everything.

Now this carries into season 15, and I think you need to see Dean as a man scared for the first like 5 episodes to understand how he's acting, and why he's so cold to Castiel, I think you also need to remember that this isn't the first time Cas has lied to Dean, and these lies have always led to some form of loss for Dean. So this isn't anger and fear about one action, but a build up of numerous examples of where keeping secrets has failed them.

Now yes Dean has lied to his family as well, but this is a tv show and these characters are human beings - and an angel - so they aren't going to be keeping score or thinking rationally about these things.

My general point is just that Dean is constantly scared, this stems from his childhood and his feeling of responsibility over everyone. So his anger is not just anger, it's a lot more complex. So when people dumb it down to Dean being angry and aggressive for no reason it feels unfair to who Dean is as a character.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant about Dean Winchester and how his anger isn't actually anger.

I hope it made some kind of sense, and if not, welcome to how my head works.

[keanureevesisbae]

Coach Cavill - Chapter 4

Summary: The Jung family are at a pumpkin patch and invite coach Cavill to join them. 

Coach!Henry Cavill x Amelia Jung (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 3.6k

Warnings: None

A/N: Since I’m not sure if the taglists work, I’m posting them in a reblog hopefully that works 🤷🏽‍♀️Also, I’m going to delete the Tumblr app on my phone and log out on my laptop for a few days, since I have some school stuff to do and Tumblr has proven itself to be very very very distracting. However, please continue to leave comments on my fics, questions or tag me in stuff, I’ll come back to it later! It’s just that I need to take a quick break from it, to focus on my schoolwork. I hope you understand and remember, I love you all 😘

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

After the match yesterday, multiple parents kept looking at me, as if I was the bad one, but when all in all it was Dean who ruined it all. Maybe that sounds childish, but it’s true. Since I really needed to forget about yesterday, I wanted to do something fun with the kids. That’s why I came up with the fantastic idea to go to the pumpkin patch with Benji and Isabella. We do that every year, but this is the first time after the divorce. It’s weird how activities we always did, suddenly seem like a first time ever since their dad and I split up.

We walk around the field, hoping to each find a pumpkin we want to carve out. ‘Mom, mom, mom,’ Isabella says. ‘I want that one.’ She jumps over the other pumpkins, but she can’t seem to lift her pick up. She pushes out her bottom lip, looking over her shoulder.

That’s all Benji needs to see. ‘I got it,’ he says, already walking to his little sister, lifting the pumpkin with ease. ‘How about you look for a spot?’ he suggests.

‘Okay.’

She skips to a table, her skirt dancing around her legs and when Benji walks by, I brush some hairs out of his eyes. ‘You’re a sweetheart, Benji,’ I tell him.

He smiles, a bright one even after what happened yesterday. After Dean left, he bounced right back and when we were at Eve’s place to celebrate his second place, he was fine. We didn’t bring up the elephant in the room—an elephant named his idiot father—but I felt like we shouldn’t do that in the first place. He ruined a lovely moment already at location, no need to bring that home with us. It’s just surprising that Benji isn’t taking this to heart. I wondered what changed, but I don’t need to wonder that long. I have a feeling that his new coach has everything to do with the change in behavior. After he got his silver medal, he walked up to Henry, showing his silver medal off, the biggest smile his face. It’s nice to see Benji happy, because since the moment I kicked their dad out of the house, his already shy personality, only intensified to a point where I was really worried about him.

‘I already saw one I want,’ Benji says, ‘so I’m bringing this one to Isabella and I’m picking mine, okay?’

‘Of course, sweetheart. I’m going to look for one too.’

I step over a few pumpkins, but I look over my shoulder to see Benji placing the pumpkin in front of Isabella, pinching her cheek. Isabella sees that as an invitation to jump up, right in his arms, causing her big brother to laugh.

I remember when I told him I was pregnant and he was going to have a little sister or brother. He was six at the time and he looked at me dead in the eye and said: ‘I hope I have a little sister.’

‘Why is that, sweetheart?’ I asked him.

He simply shrugged. ‘Because I feel I can teach a sister more than I can teach a brother.’ I had no clue what this kid was going on about, so when I asked him to explain, he simply smiled and said: ‘I can show her how her future husband should treat her.’

While I felt that he could teach a brother how he should treat a woman just fine, I felt my heart explode. Seeing their bond, always makes me so grateful that I have these wonderful kids. Their dad might be the biggest lowlife walking around on the planet earth, but they are the best that ever happened to me and I would do it all over again.

Even if that meant being with their dad again.

Benji grabs the pumpkin he wanted, before sitting down next to Isabella. They don���t start right away, but I know they want to, so I make a quick decision and grab a pumpkin. ‘You kids ready?’ I ask, when I sit across from them.

‘Yes, mom, we are!’ Isabella exclaims.

Benji stares in the distance and I snap my fingers in front of his eyes. ‘You’re here with us, Benji?’ I ask.

‘Coach Cavill!’ Benji jumps up and rushes passed me. I turn around, to see Benji running towards Henry, who has a huge dog standing next to him. Benji is pretty reserved when it comes to strangers. His former coach and he liked each other, sure, but it was never like this. This instant connection between my son and a coach, it’s unusual.

I feel like Benji is even closer to Henry than he is to his own father and what does that tell you? That Dean was a dick? That Henry is the male role model I always wanted to have for my kids? Or both?

My eyes nearly roll out of their sockets, when I see the most unexpected event happening right in front of me: Benji wraps his arms around Henry’s waist and I can’t exactly hear what he is saying, but Benji isn’t shutting up.

Henry smiles, patting Benji on his back, before pulling him in a headlock. He holds up his hand when he notices me gawking at the sight and I raise my hand to wave back at him. ‘Mom, is that Benji’s new coach?’ Isabella asks.

‘He is, sweetheart.’

‘You like him, don’t you?’

What a way to get exposed… ‘What?’ I ask her. ‘I mean, he is nice, of course.’

‘Well, you made him not one, but two sandwiches,’ Isabella says, before giggling. ‘You never make sandwiches for people you don’t like. When you and daddy were fighting, you’d never make him a sandwich the next morning.’

‘You should become a detective,’ I smile. ‘Sharp as a knife.’

Benji ushers Henry with him and he asks when he is close again: ‘Mom, can coach carve pumpkins with us?’

‘I really don’t want to intrude,’ Henry adds, but I shake my head and say: ‘No, no, you can join us. I think Isabella really wants to pet your dog and your presence is well appreciated.’

‘I do want to pet your dog,’ Isabella says. ‘He is cute.’

‘He sure is,’ Henry agrees. ‘His name is Kal.’

Isabella stands up from her seat and carefully pets the big furry dog. ‘Kal is soft. He kinda looks like a bear, don’t you think?’

‘I do think so too,’ he says.

‘Coach,’ Benji says and I barely recognize my own son, ‘you should grab a pumpkin.’

Henry looks at me, non verbally asking if I’m really okay with this and I give him a little nod, encouraging him to join us. I mean, I like this man a lot, I’ve been having pretty vivid dreams about him, so spending time with him is absolutely something I don’t mind.

He quickly grabs a pumpkin and places it on the table. ‘I’ve never carved a pumpkin before,’ he admits.

‘You haven’t?’ Isabella asks. ‘You are such a weirdo.’

‘Isabella,’ I say, using my stern teacher/mother voice. ‘You can’t just go around and call people weirdo’s.’

‘But you always call dad an idiot.’

Oh great… I’m setting a terrible example for my kids and now Henry is a witness of my wrong doings as a parent. Exactly the type of impression I want to make. ‘But that is different.’

‘How is that different?’ Isabella asks, cocking her eyebrow and now she is really testing me.

‘Well,’ Henry says, ‘your mom knows your dad. You barely know me. I think there is a difference in who you can call bad names.’

Isabella stares at the man sitting beside me, studying his face, before she nods. ‘Yeah, you’re right,’ she says. This girl agrees to someone outside own her family? What the hell is this man’s secret that my kids just simply accept him and like him? ‘Sorry, I called you weirdo, coach.’

‘That’s okay.’ The beautiful man who is sitting beside me, has a friendly smile on his face. ‘But, Jung family, show me how this is supposed to be done.’

✰ ✰ ✰

‘Mom, the skin is too thick,’ Isabella whines.

‘Let me help you, Isabella,’ Henry says, wiping his hands clean on the cloth, before standing up and walking around the table. He sits next to Isabella and saws out the part she was having trouble with. ‘You’re right,’ he admits, ‘the skin is pretty thick. You sure did pick out a good one.’

‘I have x-ray eyes.’ Isabella stands on the bench and she is approximately the same height as Henry is. Though she is eight, she is a pretty tiny girl, always has been and probably always will be. She wraps her arm around his neck, placing her cheek against the top of his head. ‘Coach,’ she says, ‘do you think my mommy is pretty?’

‘Don’t answer that,’ I tell him. ‘And Isabella, remember what I told you at least a dozen times already? Don’t go around and ask that to people. You’ve done that multiple times now and every time it’s harder and harder to talk myself out of it, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Isabella says with a shrug, ‘but you are really pretty and I think coach agrees with me.’

This girl… I don’t know who she’s got this attitude from, but sometimes I wish that she would just zip it from time to time.

‘Isabella is right,’ Benji decides to butt in. ‘You are really pretty, mom.’

This really isn’t the time to be blushing this hard right now.

‘See?’ Isabella has a smug smile on her face and whispers loudly in Henry’s ear so I can hear it too: ‘Do you agree with us? Just nod or shake your head.’

Henry chuckles, before nodding nearly shyly. If my face wasn’t fiery red already, it sure is now. ‘Anyways,’—Henry awkwardly clears his throat—‘I think yours is done, miss Isabella.’

‘Thank you very much.’ Isabella sits down on the bench again, while Henry helps out Benji with one thing on his pumpkin.

Henry is such an easy guy to be around with, that not only I feel comfortable with him, but my shy son and my sassy daughter feel so too. He sits down next to me again. ‘Need some help, Amelia?’

‘I’m okay,’ I say, but I can’t seem to move the knife anymore.

‘Let me help you,’ Henry offers.

‘You know,’ I say, pushing the pumpkin to him, ‘for someone who has never carved a pumpkin before, you sure are a pro at it.’

He actually gets the knife to move, but it pleases me to see that even he has some issues with it. Through his sweater, I can see how thick his arms are and my oh my, does this man look strong as hell. Am I hallucinating or is he flexing a little extra?

‘Excuse me,’ I hear a shy voice say and when I look up, I see it’s Hattie Fisher, the sixteen year old sweetheart who lives in the same street as us. ‘Miss Amelia?’

‘Hi Hattie,’ I say with a smile, ‘how are you?’

‘Good, thanks.’ She runs her fingers through her light blonde hair and I always thought that in combination with those doll like eyes, she’d have potential to become a very successful model. ‘I just have a question. Is this a right time or do you want me to come by tonight?’

‘Please, go ahead.’

‘For school we have to do this thing, where we check out a few professions and I wanted to try and work at a school. I was wondering whether or not I could go to your class.’

I nod. ‘Of course you can, honey. I would love to. When is this starting?’

‘Not until three weeks, but can I drop by tomorrow. Bring some paper work, if that’s okay with you.’

‘Yes, yes, of course,’ I say. ‘I would love for you to help me out a bit. They can be quite a bunch, so an extra pair of hands would be lovely.’

‘Thanks, miss Amelia, you’re the best. I feel like I could actually learn something when I’m with you. My dad wanted me to help him out, but that meant serving the old men at his office coffee the entire day and I feel like I’d die out of boredom.’

‘Oh honey,’ I say with a chuckle, ‘I had to do the exact same thing when I was still in high school and I went to work with my mom at the retirement home and after the third round of bingo, I was ready to to murder at least one elderly.’

Henry, Isabella and Benji start to laugh along with Hattie. ‘Kinda want to avoid that,’ Hattie says.  ‘I’ve seen the men that my dad works with. Some just ask to be murdered.’

I wholeheartedly agree, because I have been to mister Fishers office a few times, since mister Fisher himself was my lawyer to get me through the divorce and while he is a lovely man, his colleagues are terrible.

‘Hattie, what’s with the camera?’ Isabella asks.

‘Oh, my mom wants to have some new pictures for the towns Instagram, so you know how she is: sending me out there to document everything, while she takes takes the credits.’ Hattie nearly rolls her eyes. ‘Oh, Bella, this one actually looks really good.’

‘Why do you sound so surprised?’ Isabella asks, as the teen is taking a few pictures of our pumpkins.

Hattie curls her lips inside. ‘Well, when I was your age, I could barely draw something decent on a pumpkin, let alone carve it out, like you did. It’s quite impressive really. Since I’m here, you guys mind if I take a picture of you?’

‘Sure,’ I say, ‘if you don’t mind…?’ I carefully look to the side, to Henry, who simply shakes his head and says: ‘I absolutely don’t.’

‘Okay, say pumpkin,’ Hattie chuckles, before snapping a picture of us. ‘Looks really good. You mind if I post these on Instagram later?’

‘I don’t,’ I say.

Henry shakes his head. ‘Of course not, Hattie.’

The blonde teen smiles brightly. ‘Good. I’ll see you tomorrow then, miss Amelia. Thanks again for helping me out.’

‘Not a problem, Hattie. I’ll sign off on all sorts of paperwork, but we’ll discuss that tomorrow.’

✰ ✰ ✰

While I’m making tea, I hear Isabella and Benji talking Henry’s ear off, as his dog Kal is joining me in the kitchen. It lightens up my mood to see them so at ease with someone else outside of their familiar circle. I’m not surprised that Isabella is instantly fond of him, but Benji keeps on surprising me. He is seeking approval from Henry, something he never did with his father. He asked us if we both liked his pumpkin and I could see the worried look in his eyes when Henry was pretending he had to think about it.

Maybe this is way too premature, but seeing him in my house, it just fits. I never had a dog, because Dean was allergic and we’ve been together since I was nineteen. My parents never wanted a dog, until I moved out at age fifteen. All of the sudden they were experiencing empty nest syndrome and got themselves a tiny little toy poodle.

But this enormous dog in my house, it just matches perfectly.

‘Is this your mom?’ Henry asks, pointing at a picture on the wall.

‘Mhm,’ Isabella says, ‘she used to be in a K-Pop group.’

‘No way.’

‘Tea is ready,’ I say.

Benji walks in and sits on the kitchen island. ‘Mom was the main vocalist and visual of the group.’

Henry leans against the counter, thanking me for the tea. ‘Really? I can imagine what a vocalist is, but what exactly is the visual of the group?’

‘The prettiest,’ Isabella explains. ‘She is obviously the prettiest.’ She sits next to me on a stool and gives me a kiss on my cheek. ‘She was really good. Mom, you should sing something.’

‘No, not today.’

‘She was in the group ‘Forever Hope’, so you should check it out on YouTube,’ Isabella says. ‘I want to become a K-Pop idol too one day.’

I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer to me. ‘But I continue to tell her that it’s hard work and this little girl is as lazy as they get.’

‘That’s not true!’

‘It’s true,’ Benji agrees with a chuckle.

Henry takes a sip of his tea, his eyes not leaving me once. ‘Well, your mom is full surprises.’

‘Did you know she used to do judo too?’ Benji asks. ‘I’ve got it from her.’

‘I did not know that,’ Henry says, the smile on his face a bit bigger than before.

Despite living in the public eye for two years, I don’t want all the attention to be focused on me. ‘Not to be a party pooper,’ I say, ‘but I’m gonna be one, because it’s my job as your mother. Benji, Isabella, did you finished your homework?’

‘No,’ he whispers, while Isabella shakes her head.

‘You know what to do,’ I chuckle.

Isabella nods, takes a cookie and jumps off the stool. ‘Bye coach,’ she says, ‘thank you for carrying the pumpkins back home.’

‘No problem, kid,’ he says, giving her a high five as she passes.

‘Thanks coach,’ Benji says and they have this cool handshake I wasn’t aware of and I hide my smile when Benji chases Isabella up the stairs.

‘Your kids are lovely,’ Henry says.

‘There sure are. Listen, Henry, thank you for today.’ I scratch the big dog behind his ear. ‘I know I keep saying this, but… It’s good for them to have a male role model that is there for them.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘So, what brought you to Luna Meadows?’ I ask him, not wanting to talk about my divorce or anything related again.

‘I was in a desperate need of a change a scenery.’

‘Why?’ I ask.

‘I just needed to get out of there, before I totally lost my mind.’

‘Where are you from then?’

‘Jersey,’ he answers. ‘It was just… Too much at one point.’

My mom and teacher instincts kick in, because I can sense he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. ‘Well, we’re very lucky to have you here. It’s good every now and then to shake things up a bit.’

‘It sure is.’ He wraps his hand around the mug and while it’s the biggest one in our house, it looks like an espresso cup in his hands. ‘Back at the game you told me you were not here from your fifteenth till eighteenth. Had that something to do with you being a K-Pop idol?’

I nod. ‘Yeah, that was my change of scenery.’

He smiles. ‘Must’ve been hard.’

I can’t do anything but to agree. ‘Yeah, especially since I wasn’t planning on becoming an idol. I was just an exchange student, but I was approached by a company when I was at a fan sign with a friend.’

‘And you became a main vocalist, that must’ve been pretty important.’

‘It is, you kinda have to carry the entire song. Not that I sang all the time, but the chorus, mainly me, just like the high notes, adlibs, stuff like that.’

Henry nods. ‘And being a visual, must’ve been hard too.’

‘That too. It’s an insane amount of pressure, always having to be picture perfect,’ I say. ‘I mean, I don’t want to complain. It was such a great time in my life, an amazing opportunity. And every time Isabella says she wants to do this too, I just hope that one day she comes to terms that it’s hard work and… That it was terrible from time to time.’

Henry leans with his underarms on the counter. ‘How was it terrible?’

‘The days were so long, filled with training, singing and dancing and performing,’ I say, ‘I had to maintain my figure and… I don’t want to complain, because it was amazing. I had eight girls around me, who were going through the same thing. I was never alone.’

‘You still speak to them?’

‘Occasionally,’ I say. ‘Most of them are still in the industry. They barely have time.’ I feel warm tears running over my cheeks. ‘Oh shit, sorry, there I go again. I’m sorry, you must think I’m an emotional wreck, a terrible example for her kids.’

Henry chuckles. ‘Amelia, that’s not true. You’re not an emotional wreck, you’re just in touch with your emotions. You’re an amazing example for your kids. Yesterday…’ he starts, clearing his throat. ‘You did what any mother would’ve done. You stood up for your son and that is more than admirable.’ He looks at the clock. ‘Ah, shoot, I’ve gotta go.’

‘Oh yes, of course.’

‘I really had fun today. The Jung family is a fun one to hang out with.’

A chuckle leaves my lips. ‘We sure are.’

‘Can you hold onto Kal for me, then I’ll go and say goodbye to Benji and Isabella.’

I nod. ‘Sure, yes. Their names are on the doors and please don’t look into the bathroom. I collect the laundry there and I might have forgotten to do it since Thursday.’

‘Copy that,’ Henry chuckles and he rushes up the stairs, taking two steps at the time. I hear faint voices in the back, some laughter, while I give Kal some scratches and kisses. Henry comes back down and says: ‘Well, I really wish I could stay, but I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry.’

‘Save your apologizes for when it’s really needed,’ I say.

He smiles. ‘Right, I’ll work on that. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice, Amelia.’

‘Want me to bring you a sandwich?’ I ask.

‘I’m never saying no to a sandwich made by the fantastic Amelia Jung.’

[readinginthereadyroom]

I’m thinking about when gordon said “word travels fast. you know how hunters talk” (spn 2x03). and bobby’s living room piled high with stacks of lore, pastor jim’s secret room, ellen’s roadhouse.

sam and dean are stumbling into john’s world. a world of hunters who help each other out, who share stories and lore—a community. one that sam and dean know nothing about.

and that’s because john never brought sam and dean to the roadhouse. never let ellen look after them or jo befriend them. instead he leaves them behind at motels, or at pastor jim’s church, or at bobby’s scrapyard. places where he thinks they will be isolated. where other people (besides himself) can’t influence them.

this is an abuse tactic. luckily for sam and dean, it doesn’t always work. we find out later how bobby becomes their stand-in parent. they are his boys. and that fight dean mentions bobby and john had? the one where bobby threatened to fill john up with buckshot (spn 1x22)—I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that was about bobby taking issue with how john was raising sam and dean. because bobby knows about abusive fathers.

and obviously there were repercussions. sam and dean hadn’t been back to the scrapyard since bobby threatened john (we don’t know when it was, but can assume it was years ago). just a couple lines but they speak volumes. hints at a john and bobby qpr divorce arc where john keeps the kids.

back to gordon. he’s a john mirror. like john used to, he drives a muscle car (a blood red el camino) with it’s own secret cache of weapons (notably in the backseat, where sam and dean would sit in the impala). gordon is the john who leaves his kids at a motel, so he can “go-it-alone”. the john who salivates over the details of a hunt, a broken and twisted man who believes all monsters are monsters full stop end of story.

gonna reference myself and say that yes, the narrative of season 2 is about who and what are monsters. and that includes dean (after his many brushes with death) but also john. if season 1 asked *where* is john? season 2 is asking *who* was john? was he a hunter or was he a killer? was he ever actually a father?

because john very obviously had a life outside of sam and dean. which, 20+ years later, they are only now learning about. ellen says there was a time that john “was like family” (spn 2x02). except that john didn’t have his actual family with him.

we will see this pattern repeated in a later season with adam.

and it’s because of john’s example that dean finds it so hard to let people in—he calls ellen a stranger at one point and he’s right! he and sam don’t know her at all, even if their dad did. and it’s also so very very confusing. john said one thing and did another.

dean’s job is to protect sam—and that includes from their dad. their family is complicated and messy and came with empty stomachs and bruises. and was very strictly limited to four people: dad the drill sargent, dean the soldier, sam the baby, and the martyred memory of their mother.

and yes, gordon is a good hunter. ellen doesn’t deny that. but he’s also bad news. and he’s bad news BECAUSE he goes it alone. john is supposed to be redemptive because he had a community, because he was a father.

only he’s not. because john is also a mirror of dean’s. dean is willing to see the grey lines between monsters and humans. he goes back to bobby. he eventually trusts ellen. why? because dean is also a parent. he (and not john) raised sam. made sure he wasn’t just safe, but looked after. and he LISTENED TO SAM. sam saw that lenore wasn’t evil—and convinced dean. sam reached out to ellen and trusts her—and convinced dean to too.

we haven’t heard the iconic line “family don’t end in blood” yet (spn 3x16). but that’s what we’re building toward here. with john outta the picture we’re starting to see sam and dean branch out of thier isolated nuclear family. to step into a community. into a new family—one they choose.