#yes everything i wrote happened to me

[chrollogy]

what inspired you to write ‘from me to you’ ?

LABDKAKAJSS very good question nonnie 😎

apart from my love for one miya atsumu, i wanted to make a fool out of myself and loosely share some bizarre (not really) life events through a fic series—

and also because i’ve been meaning to write a series that just makes you go ‘AAAAAAAAAAA’ and all that 😭 i can’t describe it but you know those soft movies/animes that make you so so emotional and has the ability to pull at your heartstrings? yeah 🙂‍↕️

[drbtinglecannon]

It's actually kinda sexy of Caleb & Evelyn to haunt the narrative so thoroughly while never having any speaking lines or even appearing on screen outside of 400yr old repressed memories, delusions, and/or hyped up folklore

We don't even know for sure if Evelyn was a Clawthorne, or what she looked like, or how the fight between Caleb and Philip went down, or Caleb's reasons for leaving without Philip, or what their half witch half human baby looked like, or how long after Caleb left before Philip found him again, or what Evelyn did when she discovered her dead lover's grave was robbed, or how quickly after killing Caleb did Philip decide "I can make a new Caleb that's Better™"

We have scraps to give us pretty good ideas for most of these, but nope they really just haunt with no reward. Like yeah babes give us nothing!

[luluwquidprocrow]

sometimes a family is three orphans, their adopted daughter, one not-so-sad writer, and two triplets

frank, beatrice the second, the baudelaires, lemony, ernest, implied ernest/lemony

gen

3,598 words

In the grand tradition of all parents, the extended baudelaire family find themselves trying to pull a fast one. 

for @asouefanworkevent's woevember day 4, the hotel denouement! some rambling headcanon nonsense half-fic about post-canon family that i had great fun doing. my favorite thing in the whole world is post-canon babybea interacting with her absurd enormous family. i love them all so much.

okay. so bear with me here 

so i think most parents/guardians are at one point or another faced with Pulling The Ultimate Fast One on their children. this is related to Your Beloved Pet Died But We’re Telling You We Sent Them To Live On The Farm, but this version, in particular, is infinitely easier and harder. this one is The Switch. The Replacement. The Double. when the intrepid parent or guardian, under the cover of night, goes to the pet store to purchase The Exact Same Animal because the first animal had an untimely death. i will admit, this is the easiest with like, a goldfish, or something else small where you can usually get one that looks very similar. 

now, for babybea, it’s a pumpkin. 

so babybea (who is twelve at the time this story takes place), at the very end of september, carves a pumpkin, and she goes in with a VISION. she spends a couple hours on this pumpkin, carving an owl. It’s not, yknow, a realistic owl, but she adds a lot of tiny details, lots of lines for the feathers, and she carves a little mouse on the side too, and even gets the side of a tree in there, and the pumpkin carving kit the baudelaires purchased that year came with these little stick lights, to put in the owl eyes after carving, so it has orange eyes!! this is!!!! The neatest thing babybea has ever seen, and she is so thrilled with the results and very proud of this pumpkin. (for the record – violet carves a few pumpkins into a starry night with a moon, klaus carves monstera leaves, and. let’s be real. sunny bites a series of turnips into jack-o-lanterns.) (and then she stabs a couple white pumpkins into bigger jack-o-lanterns, for variety. all of them get different expressions!

sunny, arranging her carved vegetation on the baudelaire porch in order of emotion: perfect.) (no, i don’t know what order of emotion means. But sunny does.)

Then they all pile into violet’s car – pumpkin included!! – and drive almost an hour out of the city to the bildungsroman bed and breakfast. (frank and ernest decided, at this point in their lives, if they were going to commit to anything, it may as well be The Bit.) (it has a local reputation as a place with solid wifi, stellar bread, and great mattresses. The owners are considered minorly eccentric, mostly for the portrait they have in the lobby, of, just one of them. 

some impassioned yelp review: okay so the stay was great big recommend PLEASE try the bread but i cannot figure out the story behind the portrait in the lobby????? it's just one one of the owners?????? but I don't understand why bc they're twins and it's just ONE of them?????? and he's wearing this frog-patterned tie in the painting and when you see them like in person. neither of them wear the tie. what's the deal here 

the locals are sure it's not an ego thing, bc the owners don't seem to be self-centered or anything like that. In fact, if asked about the painting, both of them will say, “oh, that's a painting of my brother.” 

an additional yelp comment: I think. there's THREE of them  a third yelp comment: don't be silly, they're definitely twins.) 

frank and ernest have a very elaborate series of outdoor autumn decorations, with lots of pumpkins and mini gourds and hay bales over the front steps and corn stalks on all the porch posts, and babybea wants to not only show her uncles her hard work, but also put the pumpkin on their steps where everyone can see it!! 

(her uncles also include lemony, of course – I think he did live with the baudelaires for some time after reuniting babybea with them, but has recently moved into ernest's side of the private apartment at the back of the hotel. this was mildly distressing to babybea, who likes everyone she loves under the same roof, but she can't deny that lemony is very happy. and so is ernest. and now she can see all her uncles in the same place whenever she wants!! so the baudelaires tend to spend weekends at the bed and breakfast, because they also miss lemony. and they get to know frank and ernest better, which is very important to them, as people who are important to babybea, and to lemony, and, to the baudelaire's past.) (not to like, detract from the sentiment here, but i do need everyone to know that i imagine ernest spends like, 80% of his working hours just making out with lemony.) (okay maybe not 80%. ernest does legitimately get work done, it’s his hotel too. ………but like, a lot of time.) 

AND SO. the baudelaires arrive at the bed and breakfast, and frank and ernest and lemony are very proud of their niece's pumpkin. they take a lot of pictures. (re: my previous post-canon thoughts, frank has actually acquired a phone now, and does text. it is a flip phone.) babybea places it, very gently, on the third front step, and is so pleased. sunny steals two mini gourds while looking ernest dead in the eye. ernest approves. 

But october turns out to be unseasonably warm, and babybea’s pumpkin, while lovingly carved but now lacking the support an uncarved pumpkin has to keep itself A Pumpkin, does not take kindly to the weather, and babybea actually becomes very distressed at the smallest signs of rot beginning to form in her pumpkin, when it is only the second week of october. She doesn’t TELL anybody, because there’s not really much you can do about a pumpkin doing what a pumpkin does in warm weather, but she’s very upset. (almost uncharacteristically so. usually she’d say, oh, well that’s how it happens, and rather pleasantly move on, but lately, she’s been kind of. quieter than usual.) And frank, who spends a great deal of time at the front desk, closest to the pumpkins, becomes Concerned. 

now, in general, babybea’s family is like, pretty good at being realistic with her. She is of course an optimist, but still Aware of a great deal of the ways of the world, given her family, her upbringing, lemony’s books, her own adventures, everything. You can’t really shield this twelve year old from the ways of the world, even if that way of the world is, a rotting vegetable. All things have their time, and it cannot be stopped. Including seasons, and in-season foods. 

However. She put SO MUCH WORK into that pumpkin, and as the week goes by and the pumpkin starts to shrink in on itself, turning all of babybea’s work black from the inside out, those charming little glowstick eyes CAVING IN, and the baudelaire’s weekly weekend visit grows closer and closer, frank has been imagining her devastated reaction when she sees the pumpkin, and decides, He Must Pull The Fast One. he will re-carve the pumpkin, exactly as babybea carved it, replace the pumpkin, and no one will be the wiser. They get a little more time with the pumpkin, presumably at least until halloween, and his niece gets to see her beautiful handiwork as much as she likes. Maybe, you know, there is a little magic in the world after all, to make a pumpkin look so nice. 

(also, i think frank has. A shaky relationship with babybea, from his end. She loves him, as much as she loves everyone else in her family, and babybea herself would NEVER rank her uncles in order of how well she knows or admires them, but i, lulu vandelay, putting this together, have no qualms in saying she knows lemony the best, bc she has spent the most time with him, between trying to find him and both of them trying to find the baudelaires and all of them having lived together, and she’s rather deeply attached to him – ernest is very personable, and funny, so he’s easy to get along with – and she and frank both like tiny detail work, so they have things in common, but frank always seems very awkward around her. And he is. It’s bc he’s very nervous around her. Frank doesn’t think he’s good with kids. And he is usually acutely aware that in an ideal world, he isn’t the one she’d be spending her time with, that dewey would be so much better at all of this than he is. A better parent, a better brother, a better everything. Because dewey always was, to frank. but, dewey would probably want frank to do as much as he could for her, and would believe him absolutely capable of doing it, without a doubt. So he wants to be a proper uncle to her and THIS is his opportunity, he thinks. He so desperately wants to do something kind and considerate and important for her, like family is supposed to do for each other.) 

the thing about pumpkins, though, is that, for some reason, mid-october, THEY ALL DISAPPEAR. I’m serious, you ever try and find a good pumpkin even like a little over halfway through october? It can be hard. 

frank: i need your assistance. ernest: i’ve killed my quota for the month. frank: i – ernest, please.  ernest: alright, my apologies. What do you need?  frank: a pumpkin. lemony, from the kitchen: jarrahdale or red warty?  frank: no, i mean a carving pumpkin. 

The three of them take a good, long look at babybea’s pumpkin. Uncle Instincts Have Activated. They, very solemnly, bury the pumpkin in the back garden (lemony is the one who takes one for the team and removes the glowstick eyes from the depths of sad, sad pumpkin). And then embark on a mission. Please imagine the three of them packed into a mint green 1960 chevy corvette. Sunglasses optional. Who’s driving? That is up to you, my friend. Oh, google informs me it is cascade green. Imagine accordingly. (yes, no corvette has ever been made with more than two seats, but isn’t that just funnier? They really are packed in there. Lemony sits in the middle.) 

The hunt for the right pumpkin is long. Grueling! Kinda chilly! This is october!! Much comparison is made between potential pumpkins and the pictures they took of babybea’s pumpkin. Snacks are purchased. (lemony, who has recently been introduced to instagram, posts a picture of his pretzel. [ernest is out of focus in the corner, eating a chocolate ice cream cone.] [#pretzel.] 

sunbad: what is that lemonysnicket: I have purchased a pretzel sunbad: without me sunbad: you’re dead to me.) 

(it was actually not sunny who introduced lemony to instagram, although she was his first follower. It was klaus.) (klaus uses instagram mainly to never post anything ever, just to follow his favorite authors, so he wanted lemony to have an instagram, especially since he just moved out.) (klaus……..my heart………..) (oh, frank bought chex mix. he likes those gross rye bread pieces.) 

(don’t get me started on lemony with an instagram……….I think this is a hilarious but also heartwarming thought – this man who has avoided being photographed for years and years and years and YEARS (yes that much repetition was in fact necessary) is at a point in his life here he is not only comfortable of taking pictures of his life, but he is capable of doing it, he’s allowed!! It’s still probably mostly food and it’s so good!!!!!!!! and think of the amount of pictures he keeps just in his phone gallery, too!!! violet’s inventions and klaus’ library displays and sunny’s baking and babybea’s school projects and ernest’s record collection and frank’s breakfast spreads, and nature shots with lemony’s thumb in the corner, AAAAAAAAAAAA) (uh, anyway, these men are on a mission. back to the mission.) 

Eventually, they do find a comparable replacement pumpkin! Does it fit in the car? Lemony, by virtue of sitting in the middle, holds the pumpkin. 

They return to the bed and breakfast. Between the three of them, many different knives, and all of their photos, frank and ernest and lemony painstakingly recreate babybea’s pumpkin, down to the last, smallest detail. Including the little mouse and the side of the tree and the feathers and everything. (frank does do most of the work, because ernest and lemony very much see that this is important to him, but he doesn’t mind them helping, because, yknow. This is about family, and babybea is their family too.) (frank feels like he owes lemony a lot. for trying to set the record straight about their past. or as straight as one could try and set it, with what all of them did. for their niece. for making ernest happy.) (ernest deserves to be happy, with everything they put each other through. ernest thinks the same for frank, too.) 

(ugggggg if you told the three of them when they were so much younger that one day they’d stay up late recreating their niece’s perfect pumpkin masterpiece so she’s not upset about the passage of time………..) 

(who’s in charge of the bed and breakfast while all of this is happening?? 

ernest: mallory, you’re in charge. mallory, a twenty-two year old with a major in hotel management who runs the front desk when ernest and frank can’t: sounds like a plan. 

mallory has a deep respect for the denouements. meanwhile – 

mallory: so you’re lemony snicket. lemony: i am, yes. mallory: you don’t look like your photo. lemony: that’s my legal representative. he has a stamp.) 

meanwhile meanwhile – it is not necessarily about the pumpkin. 

For babybea’s part, she already firmly believes that there is some sort of magic in the world. Even at twelve. Especially at twelve!! Look, she knows it wasn’t magic that reunited her with her family, that it was her and lemony’s hard work, but she wound up with SO much more family than she expected, when she first contacted lemony. And like, that is what there’s magic in. this whole group of people who care about her and love her and want to spend time with her. Babybea thinks she has the best family in the whole entire world. (AND SHE’S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

But that is also babybea’s problem right now. She loves her family so much, and she loves having them, and it’s been a couple months but she is still not entirely comfortable with people she loves being so far away from her. Not now! Not when they’re all supposed to be in the same space, like they’re supposed to be!! And some kids at school have teased her, not so much about her puzzle-piece family but that she talks about her uncles so much. She’s just proud of her family and she loves them!! But middle schoolers are like, rude as fuck sometimes, okay. And they don’t even think they’re saying anything wrong, just offhand comments about how much she talks about them. They don’t even know anything about her parents, not really, but babybea starts to feel like, it’s the unspoken throughline in what they’re saying, why doesn’t she ever talk about them? Why only her uncles, her guardians? They’re her family, but – 

she feels almost guilty, that she goes through periods where she doesn’t even think of her parents at all, and periods where she can’t stop thinking about what they would look like and what they would be like, and that makes her feel like she doesn’t value the family she DOES have. So it’s not necessarily about the pumpkin starting to rot, what’s making her upset. It’s that, the pumpkin is another thing in a line of things babybea is Thinking about, things that aren’t Going the way she thought they were supposed to go. Her uncle moving out, missing somebody who was supposed to be there, her pumpkin not staying like it’s supposed to, she’s SUPPOSED to love her family but is she loving them right? Is she loving the right people right? Can you miss people you didn’t even know? And babybea has it very set in her head, the things she knows and is supposed to do – this is something she hasn’t quite worked on, but she’ll get to it eventually, she is still twelve – and they keep not happening like that. And now. Something else she worked really, really, really hard on, that isn’t going right either. 

So she spends the week a little gloomy about her pumpkin, and worrying the whole ride friday afternoon after school to the bildungsroman bed and breakfast. Violet and klaus and sunny are very aware of babybea’s mood, and try to cheer her up by asking her about what she’ll be for halloween, but babybea’s heart is not super into this conversation. (she has ideas about a big group costume where they’re all different local birds, but now she’s not even sure about that.) 

And then! She sees her pumpkin!! Glowy eyes and all!!!!! And, mysteriously, those little spots of rot she’d noticed the week before are gone, and, in fact, it looks a little sharper than it had before? And she didn’t think she’d cut the lid quite like that, but! That’s her pumpkin, exactly where it’s supposed to be!!! And it makes her feel just a little better. That’s good. That’s right. But she still can’t, entirely shake off all her previous feelings, about family. But. right now. Her pumpkin still looks very special. 

Later, babybea can’t sleep. So she sneaks out of bed and goes down to the lobby, and sits down on the floor in front of the front desk, and looks at the big painting on the wall, that ernest did of her father. 

This, of course, is where frank finds her. (because frank has never been very good at sleeping consistently, even when there’s nothing to worry about now, and he likes to walk through the hotel to make sure it’s secure.) 

(ernest would say something very clever, like, aha, with a raised eyebrow, but all frank says is – )

frank: hello, beatrice.  beatrice: oh!  beatrice: hello, uncle frank.  frank: may i sit down?  beatrice: yes, please. 

They spend a little while looking at the portrait.

beatrice: um –  beatrice: does it – 

What she wants to ask is, does it look very much like my father, which she then realizes is such a STUPID question if her father was a TRIPLET and she has a mirror image of him right in front of her, who acts like she thinks a father is supposed to act, so, but, it’s not like that doesn’t mean dewey didn’t look like dewey. Just because dewey looked like frank doesn’t mean he only looked like frank. And beatrice forgets, sometimes, that he would’ve just looked just like her uncles. But still! 

beatrice: i mean – the painting, is it – 

But she thinks it’s such a terrible thing to ask!! But frank knows EXACTLY what she means. 

(some time ago, when the hotel had just opened and ernest had just painted the portrait of dewey – 

ernest: i wanted it to look like him. And, it’s not like i, don’t know what he looks like. Looked like. I mean – that could just be me or you up there, couldn’t it. It doesn’t look like it’s him.  frank: no, it does.  frank, knowing exactly what he means and feeling like, he needs to make ernest Not look so abjectly miserable: you don’t look nearly as happy.  ernest, in tears, very amused and touched and still terribly upset: wow! 

The point being, god of course it looks like dewey. It couldn’t be anybody but dewey, even if dewey looks like other people. Dewey looks like himself, he looks like his family, he looks like beatrice, around the eyes. And family means lots of things. It means your guardians raising you, and your uncles raising you, and your father’s portrait on the wall and never knowing him at all, and loving so many people and being loved back by them, whether or not it’s Supposed to be a specific way, and sometimes it means missing somebody, sometimes it means missing different people, sometimes it means being sad for something you’re not sure if you should or could miss, sometimes it means not missing anyone at all, sometimes it means your uncle going to live with his definitely boyfriend even if they won’t say the words out loud who’s also your uncle just on the other side of your family and that doesn’t mean anyone’s going anywhere. Sometimes it means your pumpkin rotting, because things change. uh, does this make sense.) (admittedly, i put a lot of things in this.)

frank: yes, it looks very much like him.  frank: i think about him a lot.  beatrice: ......would he like my pumpkin? frank, without hesitation: absolutely. beatrice: do you like it? frank: i do.

of course babybea already knew that, but it's nice to hear. it's just. nice. it's not, like, everything? just like before. but beatrice is loved by a lot of people, and she loves them, too, and. she feels loved, right here, like she's supposed to, and that's what's Supposed to happen.

beatrice hugs him, and it's not the first time she's hugged frank, but it means more? frank hugs her back.

beatrice: thanks for fixing my pumpkin.  frank: i’m sure i don’t know what you mean, beatrice. 

beatrice hugs him again, and then goes back upstairs. frank looks a little longer at the portrait, and then goes to bed himself, and doesn't get back up until his alarm goes off.

[countess-of-edessa]

maria khoreva: has been posting on Instagram about how she'll be performing at the YAGP New York gala for a while now, obviously not keeping it a secret at all and lots of ballet people have been discussing it

some stupid representative in albany: you kept this a SECRET from us so we couldn't protest because you were trying to sneak in the Russians under the radar how dare you they're representatives of Putin >:(

[coquelicoq]

after spending the last week very stressed out and losing sleep over how much i regretted giving my number to a stranger, and after talking to several friends who all gave me the same very wise advice ("decide first what YOU want out of this and make decisions based on that" sounds obvious now but honestly blew my mind), i saw food truck man again today and he asked me if i have a boyfriend, told me he's all alone, hugged me twice, and tried to kiss me. i texted him after to be like just to be clear, i don't want a boyfriend, but i hope you find somebody! and he texted me back: i don't need a girlfriend. i'm married.

[tenrose]

So the critics were right about the secret history... It was good.

[starlooove]

My fave thing about my vs is subtly changing them to look more and dress more like Johnny over time - give em a day where they go back to their og styles as like a push against it - and then have them settle in more

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

A post in honor of General Jarod Fire Emblem my precious.

[tenok]

.

[lordsardine]

harbinger voice lines..............

[running-in-the-dark]

yes I've been lying in bed for three hours, listening to the same song on repeat, and yes I have written *checks* 14,000 words of the most stupid, embarrassing shit ever over the last two days, and yes I can actively feel my brain melting in my head, but I'm definitely totally fine.

[zaggyzoo]

tried writing in the gc b i'm literally desperate but i am already frustrated

[falesten-iw]

Warning: Long Post No one reads long texts anymore, but despite everything I've been through with my country, my family, and recently my son, I need to get this off my chest. It's completely unbelievable to me that so many people still don't understand the background of the genocide in Palestine. What kind of journalists or influencers do we have today? Are they too afraid to report and remind their audiences about the real story behind what's happening now? No, it's not just one year of suffering! It's outrageous how the media consistently ignores what Palestinians have been enduring for decades. Have they, or you, even bothered to look at the statistics of how many Palestinians have been killed by Israel since 1948? How many children have been killed? Who holds the responsibility for what's happening now? I often wonder: what if the situation Palestinians face was applied somewhere else? For example, what if, after World War II, the West had decided that all Jews should have a state in the USA—let’s say Chicago—how would the people of Chicago have reacted? Imagine the people there being driven off the land their families had worked for generations, stripped of their rights, and harassed or persecuted if they resisted. Do international laws simply not apply when ### is involved? Do you know that people in Gaza are killed simply for fun? Yes, for fun! Israeli soldiers have been known to shoot women, children, and even animals on the spot, then walk away. Did you feel the wind when those shots were fired? Or was it too far away for you? Do you understand what death means? Good. Do you know why there are so many Palestinians living in different countries, or maybe even right next door to you, even though they smell like hummus, garlic, za'atar, and other traditional foods? Do you know why your neighbors are Palestinian and not Israeli? It's because we've been forced to flee since 1948. Our cities were erased then, and more are still being erased—through violence, through apartheid laws, through genocide, through different methods. Ilan Pappe, an Israeli historian, wrote a book about hundreds of Palestinian cities that were erased to create the Israel you know today. This isn't a war that started a few days ago or even a year ago—this has been going on since at least 1948. More than 45,000 have been killed in Gaza just in the past year alone. 17 000 of them are children, and 13 000 are women. Do you even know what that means? How it feels to lose your children or part of your family? Are you going to tell us how it feels? Do you have no empathy? Is your heart so closed that you can't see the pain around you? Are you really so blind to the suffering of others? How can you ignore these realities? Do you know that the Israeli military has cut off all electricity and completely halted the import of food, water, fuel, and other necessities? There are no hospitals and no medicines left, and 85% of people in Gaza are living in makeshift tents. Yes, tents—but not like the ones you see in movies. These are handmade from plastic scraps. Do you know that my family is suffering from all of this, and I will lose them in this cold weather if you don't act now? Please help us and donate now!

Vetted and shared by @90-ghost: Link.

Verified and shared by @el-shab-hussein: Link

Listed as number 282 in "The Vetted Gaza Evacuation Fundraiser Spreadsheet" compiled by @el-shab-hussein and @nabulsi : Link

Listed on the Butterfly Effect Project, number 957: Link

Additionally, Al Jazeera News has documented apart of my family's case: Link

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[myheartxmyman]

Hätte ich die Wahl zwischen vergewaltigt werden, dafür aber alles ab Silvester nicht so abgelaufen wäre wie es ist. Oder nie wieder vergewaltigt werden, und die Realität wäre weiterhin die Realität, dann würde ich ohne zu zögern Option eins wählen.

preferred. If you wanted to spend new years eve with me you would have taken this 10 minutes drive .. I mean you were able to drive 9 times longer in the other direction. The other proof that "wish I would be with you on the tower like last year' wasn't the truth is, that you booked that flight. If what you wrote would have been the truth you should have been like 'I want to be with her. Now I am with my mates and over one hour drive away from her. I should at least spend the 1th of January with her. Celebrating our own new years eve like we did the year before.' Instead you booked a flight. YOU BOOKED A FUCKING FLIGHT. That alone broke my heart because I waited and waited and waited and hoped again and again and again. Instead of spending my father's money on trips/vacations/traveling/exploring I LITERALLY SPENT IT ON SHIT. Because people have to eat, while waiting for things that are never gonna happen. And then, out of nowhere YOU BOOK A FUCKING FLIGHT. And what really shattered my being, my trust in you, what ripped my heart out, what nearly cut our already damaged bond completely through was the LOCATION you went to. You lied by saying 'that's a coincidence it was the cheapest flight', and you really brought the fucking Robin thing GETTING MY HOPES UP THAT YOU ARE GONNA STAY, and then left nevertheless. You KNEW, you did it aswell. I would have given you those 500€ without hesitation, but I had no worth at all for you. And I begged, I tried to find a compromise, it didn't matter to you. I didn't matter. You decided what you wanna do like living a single life. Your behavior had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH A RELATIONSHIP. I can't understand how you were able to hurt me that bad. How the fucking hell could you do to me what you did?! And sadly it wasn't the first time I had that awful thought in mind. Sometimes you are the CRULEST person I ever met. How just how?!?! You enjoyed yourself, having a good time sitting in the sand, in the warmth, listening to the sound of the ocean, watching a sunset with another girl right next to you. Just thinking about this makes my insides cringe in agony and tremendous pain. And said girl 'she's just a friend of Aman', was always right by your side. Leg pressed on leg. Her leg was pressed to yours not to Amans leg who was sitting on the right side next to her. On your esplanade stroll or whatever it was you were walking closest to her, directly behind her, looking happy like you were living your best life. At the same time I had one breakdown after the other. Because I was stupid enough to trust you. I trusted you completely and you smashed it. I saw the way you were looking at her and I know your behavior good enough to see some things. You did quite a lot of things those last months that hurt me badly, but your 'Männertrip' killed something inside of me and I can't look at you the same.

[stayconnecteed]

eyes off you (hwang hyunjin)

idol!hwang hyunjin x afab!reader

w.c. 9.8k words

warnings: reader is changbin's sister's best friend. brief mention of death (as a joke between friends, like "you have death wishes" and that), insecurities, mention of toxic ex boyfriend, absent father, mother's death (two years ago), i think i wrote "fuck" once only. description of kissing/making out two times. let me know if i missed something.

( finally!! hope the wait is worth it 🥺. it's my first one shot here, and i'm afraid it's too long or too boring. my beta reader said she liked a lot, but insecurities make me doubt it tbh so let me know what you think ♡ )

The day Changbin introduced you, he immediately regretted it. At first because he thought you had disliked each other, but soon the cause was the chemistry you shared. Too much for his own good. As chance would have it, on the same day that Hyunjin had been invited to have lunch at his mother's request, taking advantage of the fact that his family was spending the vacations in the area, you had stayed over the night before with your best friend 一his sister. You had been having a tough few days at work because your boss didn't usually respect your schedule and burdened you with assignments all the time, and you had also just gone through a pretty intense week of exams at the university. You needed a couple of days of relax with Eunhae, enjoying the quietness of her home and the kindness of her mother, without having to worry about anything else. In fact, your friend had seen how bad you'd had it and was eager to shower you with treats, so it was a win-win situation for both of you.

You had tried to stay up late finishing the series you had started weeks ago, but as exhausted as you were and once you had filled up on pizza and sweets, you couldn't help but fall asleep, each in your own bed, humming with happiness as you felt the warm touch of the sheets against your skin, and curled up until you fell asleep. That's why the next day Eunhae had woken up first 一she wasn't as tired as you. And that's why you hadn't been able to go back to sleep once she decided to wake up the whole neighborhood when she tripped over something on the floor and fell over noisily. You blinked, confused, having been ripped from your slumber abruptly, and grunted when you noticed the light coming through the door your friend had left open. Well, to be honest, maybe it was noon already. But your need for sleep went beyond the necessary hours: until someone woke you up, or the alarm went off, you preferred to embrace your moments of quiet.

You frowned as a shadow obscured your field of vision, and tried to figure out who it was, but your gaze was still slightly blurry, so it wasn't until said person whispered a soft "Good morning" that you realized it was Changbin. You managed a small smile, merely wiggling your fingers lazily in greeting, and he took that as a cue to lean lightly against the door.

"How did you sleep? Did you manage to get some rest?"

"Mm-hm," you murmured, narrowing your eyes to focus on his features, "whenever I sleep here I sleep better."

"Even if Hae ends up waking you up sooner than you'd like?" he asked, stifling a laugh.

You snorted, covering yourself with the sheets up to below your eyes, and nodded with a pout of feigned annoyance.

"I was just coming to let you know that Omma invited a friend of mine over for lunch and he's already arrived" he announced, repositioning his bangs in a distracted manner, "in case my sister hadn't told you."

"Oh, yes, she had said something" you replied, incorporating a little, "but thank you for making sure."

Changbin made a casual gesture, as if it didn't matter, and said goodbye, leaving you with some quiet time before Eunhae returned. Because when you heard the bathroom door close you knew that when she got to the room, if she saw you awake, she would jump on you, not caring in the least about your physical well-being. She had always been like that, impulsive and abrupt, but it was her love language, so you accepted it.

"Good morning, YNNNNNN!" she exclaimed, perhaps too loud for your ears, and then you felt her weight on your body, as she tried to give you a hug. Even though you were expecting it, you couldn't help but let out all the air all at once, sinking into the mattress, and when you succeeded in disentangling yourself a little, pushing her away to your right, you managed to crawl out of there and sat down on the floor, taking a deep breath.

"I totally hate you right now" you managed to utter, hand on your chest, in a dramatic way.

"No, you don't."

"You know I could kill you and I wouldn't feel bad, right?"

"No, you don't," she repeated, smirking with superiorly, "besides, you wouldn't stand to get blood on my mother's floor and have to watch her wipe it up."

"Who said anything about blood?" you asked, getting up clumsily, and throwing yourself on top of her, who welcomed you with open arms.

"See, that's how you do it" she pointed out, cuddling up next to you.

"Don't mess with me" you mumbled, trying to pretend to run away from her, while Eunhae let out a little scream and clung to you like a koala bear. You both ended up laughing your heads off after goofing around for a while longer, even as your belly started to growl, and you noticed the void of hunger that had settled inside you.

"I'm hungry" you announced, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

"You're always hungry" she protested, turning back to her bed to grab her phone. "Go ask Omma for something, you know our home is your home."

You smiled, happy, and put on your slippers, without paying much attention to your appearance. The last thing you expected to find in the kitchen when you came in, yawning, was a boy. Technically you did, because Changbin had told you so, but certainly not that boy. Tall and slender, hands tucked into the pockets of his stylish pants, expensive-looking shirt splayed impeccably over his torso, and leaning up against the table in front of the island in the center of the room, listening to Eunhae's mother talk with a tender smile on his lips and his eyes turned into beautiful crescent moons. You stood in the doorway for the few seconds it took to react, and turned around immediately, running away and praying that no one had noticed.

You returned to your friend's room, flushed and wanting too much to smother her with her pillow. You slammed the door shut behind your back and leaned against it, shooting a murderous glare at Eunhae, who didn't bat an eye as she looked up from her phone, talking oblivious to you:

"I got a call from Jaemin..." she began, sliding her finger across the screen lazily.

"You said a friend of Bin's was coming" you interrupted her, pointing at her with a threatening gesture.

"Yeah, right."

"You didn't mention he was a model that came literally out of a Vogue magazine" you mumbled, covering your face with your hands in embarrassment.

"I said I had a friend of Bin's coming over for lunch who Omma really likes" she explained, trying to figure out what had happened after you left. "I didn't think it was necessary to specify."

"Hae! I look awful right now" you protested, with a pout on your lips, pointing at her. "I thought you were talking about Eunwoo and the rest, not an idol friend. I don't want him to see me like this."

"Okaay, sorry for not specifying" she acknowledged, rolling her eyes playfully as you began to pick up the clothes that were cluttering up the floor. "Look, it's perfect, because as I was telling you, Min called saying that his parents have gone on a trip and left the home for him to take care of."

You pause in your actions, lifting your gaze slowly from the floor to your friend, and she smiles, knowing in advance what question it is you're going to ask her, and that thanks to that she's already convinced you.

"The home that has a pool?"

You see her nod with a big smile plastered on her face, sitting up in bed.

"Who's going?" you ask, frowning, not quite believing the proposition.

"I think it's just us" she replies, unlocking her phone to look at Jaemin's stories on Instagram, "because he mentioned Junhan, but talked about him as if he's already gone."

"Okay" you concede, with an exaggerated sigh, "but you're leaving me your blue bikini."

"Done!" you exclaim, tossing the phone between the sheets, suddenly useless, and standing up abruptly, "And you pick what we eat and where and I'm paying and I promise you won't have to play third wheel."

"Wait a minute," your words make Eunhae freeze on the spot, "Min said, explicitly, that the invitation was for you and me?"

You drop all the clothes you had gathered when you see your friend shy away from your gaze, and you open your mouth in surprise, feeling betrayed.

"Hae!" you exclaim, grabbing your pillow and throwing it in her face. "I'm sick of playing the third wheel! You need to stop taking me with you on your dates just because you feel guilty!"

"I know, I know!" she shouts back, shielding herself from you and your attacks. "I'm sorry!"

"Look, I adore you, I really do," you tell her, sitting on your bed, knees drawn up to your chest, "and Jaemin is great. You make a lovely couple, and when we hang out in group you guys are adorable. But in times alone, you deserve to be in each other's company, and that's it. Not me running around cutting you two off. Have you ever wondered how it feels for him when I show up unannounced for your dates? Or how it feels for me to see you all lovey dovey?"

Eunhae frowns to keep from pouting so you can see the tears threatening to slide down her cheeks.

"I had no idea it was that big of a deal," she murmurs, and her voice breaks at the end of the sentence, making you move to hug her half-sideways, both of you sitting on the edge of her bed.

"That's what I'm here for, Hae-Hae" you reply, your voice soft, calm, and you look at her warmly, the look of infinite affection from a friend you know will never disappear from your life "to explain. Your boyfriend is yours, and there are moments meant to be lived between you two, with no one who can see you. There's a certain intimacy to that that even the best sex can't reach. If you really want me to go, I'll go, and I'll apologize to him, but I'll stay by the pool and you guys can cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or something, okay?"

"And I swear it has nothing to do with Sehun" you told her, knowing what the main reason she was doing this was. "He broke up with me over two years ago, it's in the past now. It doesn't matter how toxic it was. If I'm over it, you have to be too. Your job is to be happy for me, as a friend, not try to protect me from the unknown. That's what we already have Changbin for, right?"

You see her nod, suppressing a smile, even with sad eyes.

"Besides," you clear your throat, pulling away from her a little, "what was it like, I choose what we eat and where and you pay? And you owe me one, so, of course, I steal your blue bikini because it's gorgeous and you know I love it."

At your words, she can't help but let out a laugh and shake her head, affirming without hesitation and rushing to rummage through her closet until she found your favorite bikini. She tosses it to you with an amused gesture, and you stick your tongue out at her.

"I'm going to the bathroom, but then we're leaving, I'm hungry" you informed.

"Wait, is that why you didn't take anything from the kitchen?" she asked, cracking up laughing, "Were you embarrassed that he saw you like that? YN, you look amazing!"

"Shut up!"

And you walked away, trying to hide your strained smile. You knew she was saying it because she really meant it, but you couldn't help but hear your ex's voice in your head, mumbling that it wasn't true, that you were lucky he wanted to be with you, and that if it wasn't for him, you'd be alone, because no one would want to be with someone like you. They were words you had never told, not even to Eunhae. She knew that he had treated you badly, and that's why she hadn't hesitated for a second to help you get out of there, to get away from him. But the damage was already done, and it was a wound that the more it healed, the more it hurt. You were much harder on yourself than you had ever been, and although you knew that you should not compare yourself with others, you could not help but look at the rest of the people who used to surround you, so beautiful and shining, and realize that you were just a twinkling star next to them, occasionally shining, but slowly fading away.

You decided to take a shower, knowing that your hair is a bit of a mess, and took advantage of Eunhae's hair products to apply them lovingly, enjoying your moments of self-care. You've always liked the way Seo girls' hair smells, and you stifle a smile as you remember how Changbin used to wash his hair with his mother's shampoo, just like his sister, to get you to fall asleep leaning on his shoulder. It's a smell you automatically relate to the comfort and quality of a family that has always opened their arms wide to you, without reproach or mistrust. You were happy, whenever you were with them.

You tried to do some skincare, but you gave up at the second attempt to remember what was the exact order in which your best friend had taught you to use them, and you had decided to stick to the basics, brushing your hair and letting it air dry, even though it was probably foolish because as soon as you could you would dive headfirst into the pool and it would get wet again. You hurriedly put on the famous blue bikini, and the shorts you had grabbed from on top of Hae's desk on your way out of his room, stuffing the t-shirt she had lent you into the laundry basket.

But when you opened the door to leave, Changbin's idol friend was leaning against the opposite wall, cell phone in hand, sliding the pad of his thumb casually across the screen. He looked up, scanning your figure, and began to blush when he saw that you were only in shorts and a bikini, the straps of the lower part showing through the low waistband of your shorts and the upper part tracing the curve of your breasts and your collarbone. When you noticed it too, you pretended to lock yourself back in the bathroom, but were interrupted by Eunhae.

"You're finally coming out!" you heard her exclaim from her room, approaching, the wall hiding the embarrassing situation you were in. "Actually you'd have to thank me because going to Jaemin's house is the perfect excuse to leave now that you know Hyunjin is here" then she appears, a playful gleam in her eye once she passed the corner of the hallway that prevented you from seeing her, too focused on the phone between her hands, as she chuckles to herself at the sentence she's going to say, "You won't have to see him again unless you look for him in Naver!"

Then she looked up, waiting to see your reaction. But instead of finding you trying to hold back a laugh or rolling your eyes, she saw perfectly your attempt of an awkward smile, wrapping yourself in a hug so you wouldn't feel so exposed, and how the idol next to you tensed in response to her words, still with flushed cheeks, not knowing where to look. You cleared your throat softly, bowing slightly to the boy and mumbling an apology, then approaching in two quick steps to your friend, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her close until you were both locked in her room.

"You have a death wish today, that's for sure" you told her, leaning against the door and letting yourself slide down until you were sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to your chest and head in your hands.

"In my defense, if he knew the context, he would have thought it was a pretty good joke" she commented, grabbing a dress from her closet to slip on over her bikini top.

"A joke?" you ask her, eyes wide, your arms raised in a gesture of exasperation. "Hae, I bet he thinks I hate him or something!"

"Probably" she states, watching your reaction. "Wait, why do you care so much what he thinks? Don't tell me that...!"

"Shut up" you whisper, looking up from the floor at her with a frown. "Don't even think about saying the word «crush». This is all your fault, you damn Seo siblings. You could have mentioned that Changbin's mysterious friend was Hwang Hyunjin!"

"And does it make this boy so special that he stole your heart?" asked Eunhae, raising an eyebrow, teasing you.

"I beg you pardon?" you exclaimed, standing up and gesticulating in an exaggerated manner, waving your hands as you spoke as you did every time you got excited about something. "To begin with, you haven't stolen anything from me. And to follow up..., do you even listen to Binnie every time he comes home and tells us about his band mates? Just from what he says, I like them all. But Hyunjin... I don't know, Hae. He's... he has an impressive sensitivity. I've seen pictures of the paintings he paints, and it's the way he does it, with the blends of colors and his way of depicting and seeing love. And how hardworking he is, the history he's had. I admire him so much. I don't think I could be half as strong as he has been. Beyond his work as an idol, beyond how talented he is at dancing, or composing, or rapping, it's the version of him that he shows with those who are part of his circle, the version of a wonderful person, who has suffered too much but is still grateful for everything good that happens to him. That's the part of him that I idolize, to be honest, if that's the correct word to use."

"Wow" your friend murmured, looking at you with wide eyes and a hand over her heart, amazed by your monologue.

You couldn't help but blush, covering your face with your hands, realizing everything you had said. "Sorry" you mumbled, "I don't know what I was thinking".

"You were thinking about Hyunjin, baby," she answered you, her tone soft, as if afraid to scare you away. "And what he's inadvertently done for you since Changbin tells you about what he does and what he's like."

"It's been a stupid thing to say, he... I just didn't expect to see him in the kitchen, that's all" you said, turning around and looking for a random t-shirt in the closet to put on.

Eunhae watches you with a sad look on her face, as you pick up everything you left around the room the night before, and put it in your backpack neatly, following your own order, until it's all collected. Then she helps you make her bed and pick up yours, which is the kind that folds up, the pull-out trundle bed her mother bought after your second sleepover, years ago, when she realized you were going to be much more than just friends. Since then you've been there for each other each and every time you've needed each other, putting each other before the rest of the world.

And that's why I knew you were projecting. You hadn't had an easy life, with a father practically absent and a mother too busy working to bring money home to give you the affection that any child would have needed. You had been extremely lucky to have met Eunhae on your first day of school, and once her mother found out what your situation was, she tried to establish a friendship with your own mother so she wouldn't be suspicious of how many times you slept over at the Seo's home, or how often Hae brought lunch for her and you. More than once, you had told your friend's mother, only when you had been in a moment of weakness, that she had saved your life. She had replied, each time you had mentioned it to her, that you were just another daughter to her, and that she would do it again and again if given the chance.

In your second year of college, when your boyfriend was starting to show his toxic nature, you had received the news that your mother had passed away, and you had had a really hard time. Hae had had to pick up the broken pieces of your heart, and even Changbin 一the little brother you never had一 had used his vacation time to spoil you as much as you allowed him to. Little by little, you had managed to climb out of that hole, but you still had seasons of downs, and your friend was very protective of you, just as you had always protected her from bad influences and flings and so-called friends of dubious intentions. So when Hae looked to see if Jaemin had sent her any messages and saw that she had one from her brother, she began to form a plan in her head.

Binnie What happened in the bathroom?

Noona I made a comment that Hyunjin shouldn't have heard.

Binnie Istg, noona, I don't bring friends home for you to insult them.

Noona Bin, listen, it wasn't about him, it was about YN.

Binnie I don't care, because now Hyunjin is sad, no matter how much he tries to hide it so Omma won't notice.

Noona I swear I'll apologize to him later, but it's just that I need your help now.

Binnie He was really looking forward to meet YN and now I'm sure he would rather have stayed with his parents instead of coming to see us.

Noona Seo Changbin, shut up and listen.

Eunhae watched as the bubbles that indicated her brother was typing stopped, and she sighed, glancing sideways at YN to check that she was still focused on whatever she was watching on TikTok at the moment.

Noona I told YN we were going to a friend's place, but after what happened in the bathroom, I'm more and more certain that she should stay here, with you guys.

Binnie Why should she?

Noona Because you've been playing Cupid without realizing it, Binnie. Just keep up with me.

"Are you talking to Jaemin?" you asked, stuffing your phone back into your backpack and slumping onto the pouf Hae had in one of the corners of her room, "Shall we go now?"

"Yep!" she exclaimed, jumping up to help you to your feet. She knew she had a huge smile on her lips, but she couldn't help it. The plan she had in mind was going to work out, she was going to make sure of it. She grabbed the bag from on top of his desk and waited for you to get your backpack before leaving her room. Just as you reached the entrance of the apartment, Hae peeked into the kitchen for a moment to let her mother know that you were going to leave now. You waited by the door, shifting your weight between both feet every few seconds, hoping not to run into Hyunjin. But then you saw Hae's mother appear with a frown, and you feared the worst.

"You haven't had breakfast," she said, as a matter of fact, pointing at both of you.

"Don't worry, omonim" you tell her, offering a reassuring smile, "we'll buy something on the way".

"Mm-hm" her mother murmurs, not entirely trusting, "not only are you not going to eat breakfast, but I'm sure you'll eat whatever from those fast food places."

"That's not what..." you started to reply, but Hae interrupted you.

"The truth is, it was YN's turn to pick" he replies, ignoring your confused gesture and trying to keep a serious semblance. Then, when he saw his brother appear, he gave him a meaningful look, indicating him to intervene.

"You know YN always ends up at McDonalds" he mentioned, as if the subject was not with him.

"What are you doing?" you asked, frowning.

"Uh-uh, you eat here" his mother announced, ending the conversation.

"B-but, omma" protested Hae, looking in terror at Changbin, not having anticipated that their mother wanted her to stay too, "I already told Min that we were going, I can't cancel on him now."

"Well, you go," she replied, already from the kitchen. "She stays here. It's been too long since I've fed my YN."

Hae celebrates the victory with a quick smile of triumph to his brother, and promises herself to buy him something as a thank you. She then approaches you with an apologetic pout, and wraps you in a hug, mumbling something about how this way she'll listen to you and have some alone time with Jaemin. You snort, rolling your eyes and making one last attempt to hold her back, grabbing her wrist once more. But she lets go and Changbin attacks you with a backhug, forcing you to say goodbye to her.

"Do you have any idea why Hae wanted you to stay and eat with us?"

"That girl's been playing with fire all day" you sigh, resting your head on the idol's shoulder, and you hear him giggling. "You were in on it, weren't you?"

"I neither affirm nor deny if I don't have a lawyer to defend me" he replies, leading you into the kitchen.

Hyunjin is already seated at the table, the food ready to be served, chatting with Hae's father, who is seated at the head. You clears your throat, to make yourself noticed, and avoid the gaze of Changbin's friend as you greet the Seo patriarch with a big smile, since it's been a long time not seeing him.

"Hi, abeonim!" you say to him, bowing your head slightly.

"Hello, YN! It's been a while since you've been home!" you try to focus on answering him, but you know that Hyunjin has shifted his seat to make room for Changbin next to his father, and you can't help but notice his gaze on you.

"Yeah, I was seeing Hae in my apartment lately" you comment, considering whether taking a run would be a good option. "But yesterday I got the afternoon off and she convinced me to come over and watch some movies and relax for a bit."

"Okay, okay" he answered you, smiling, "you shouldn't work so hard. I'll talk to Eunhae about convincing you more often. Don't let so much time go by without seeing each other."

You made another bow, nodding, and listened to the matriarch turn off the stoves.

"YN, honey, sit next to me!" she exclaimed, appearing with a last bowl of food. "You have to tell me how everything is going!"

You tried to muster a smile, but your whole body tensed as you realized you would have to eat in front of Hyunjin. You cleared your throat as Changbin's mother served the food, and made a small gesture with your head by way of greeting towards the idol, who blushed slightly and looked away, while the younger Seo watched both of you attentively. Since his sister had spoken to him via chat, he had decided to pay more attention to your interactions.

Hyunjin had been incredibly lucky, he thought, when he had messaged Changbin telling him that his parents had rented a house outside of Yongin, the 3racha member's hometown, and the response had been an invitation to lunch from his mother. Not only that, but Changbin had told him that he thought he heard her sister come home with YN, so they would probably be gossiping together in her room or watching a movie in the living room. The dancer hadn't been able to hide his excitement, because ever since Changbin had told him about YN, he had wanted to know more about her.

And when, after excusing himself to the rapper's mother to leave the kitchen for a moment and wait a few minutes in front of the bathroom, the door opened, he would never have imagined he would see the girl he dreamed of meeting come out, her hair loose and still wet, falling down her back, her naked torso covered only by a baby blue bikini and in shorts. For a few seconds, his brain stopped working, and there was only her, with that look of surprise and half-open lips. Nor could he have imagined, of course, that Eunhae would show up at that moment, let alone the sentence she blurted out, "Going to Min's house is the perfect excuse to leave now that you know Hyunjin is here. You won't have to see him again unless you look for him in Naver!".

He didn't understand why she wouldn't want to see him again, if they had never seen each other before, but it hurt. He felt his heart clench in his chest, and he tried not to let his face express anything that was going through his mind. He avoided looking at either of you, and held his breath until you were no longer there, which was when he ran to lock himself in the bathroom. Unfortunately, Changbin knew him too well to hide his discomfort from him, though he flatly refused to tell him what had happened. Of course, Changbin wasn't an idiot, so he knew that whatever had upset him had to do with the other two people in the apartment at the time, and he saw him texting his sister before he could stop him.

The news that you would be staying for lunch with them when it was so obvious that you would rather be anywhere but there made him feel bad. The masochistic part of him, because he couldn't call it anything else, was glad to have you in front of him, to be able to enjoy your smile and your face light up the room when you were asked about something you were passionate about. Just as he shied away from your gaze when he was asked about his art, or how the group's choreography was going. He couldn't bear to see your eyes sparkle when you looked at him, knowing you were having a hard time just being in the same room as him.

That's why he couldn't help but get nervous when he offered to do the dishes, and you joined in his proposal, arguing that since both of you were the guests, the least you could do was clean up a bit. Changbin's mother had smiled at you the way his mother did at him when she was proud, and had merely nodded, shooing her husband and son away. Hyunjin had decided to pretend he wasn't hyper-aware of any of your movements to his right as you dried the dishes and utensils he was washing. But when you cleared your throat, ready to speak, his heart began to pound like crazy.

"I think I owe you an apology" you mumbled, sheepish, putting down the rag you were using to dry everything on the counter and leaning back against it, looking at the idol slyly.

Your heart was going so fast you thought it was going to burst out of your chest, but you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. Hyunjin wasn't much better, his hands shaking a little, and he set the glass he was washing down in the sink to avoid breaking it if he dropped it.

"You don't have to apologize if you don't want to" he answered you, his gaze focused straight ahead at all times, unable to confront you and satiate his need for answers, to find out why you didn't like him. "It wasn't your fault, anyway."

"I know it was Hae who said it, but... actually it was my fault," you explain, embarrassed, your knuckles white from gripping the marble. "She loves to make those kinds of comments, she has no filter. I know she'll apologize as soon as she gets a chance, too. We...we didn't mean for you to hear it."

"YN nim, you don't have to put on this act to apologize for a comment that was out of line but true nonetheless," he stated, almost pleading for the conversation to end. "Being an idol has taught me to accept that I can't be liked by everyone."

"But I do like you!" you reproached, realizing Hyunjin's interpretation of your apology. "I mean, I like what you do. I'm a big fan of your work."

"Ah, so you're stay" he inquired, beginning to crack a smile, thanks to your flustered state and the way you bit the inside of your cheek nervously.

"No, not exactly" you acknowledged, spinning around on yourself to stand shoulder to shoulder next to him. "I mean, I've heard your music, obviously. And I love it. I also remember watching some music videos when you debuted, or some award show, to support Binnie. But today... seeing you... I really didn't know who you were" you mumble, a little embarrassed. "I assumed you were an idol, of course, but the truth is Changbin has a lot of friends. You could have been Yeonjun or Felix and I would have reacted the same."

"So, by saying you like what I do...?" he asked, frowning.

"Oh, I was talking about your paintings" you replied, smiling finally. "I work as a secretary for the director of an art gallery in Seoul, but I'm studying Fine Arts. Changbin knows that I love anything that enters the artistic field. Whenever he comes home he always shows me pictures of your latest works or the photographs you have taken and shared with him. He saves everything so I can see it. Don't get mad at him if he didn't have your permission, please. I've admired you for a couple of years now. I didn't know..." you start, unsure if it's the right thing to say, "I didn't know that besides a hardworking person you were handsome too."

Hyunjin tried to observe you without you noticing, still speechless, and was able to catch the slight blush that covered your cheeks. Get mad at Changbin? He could never thank him the way he deserved after everything you had just told him. Did you admire him? Him?

"I don't know what to say, really," he mumbled, suddenly feeling shy.

You sighed in relief, and turned to him, extending your hand.

"Shall we settle things?" you proposed. You saw him flash a big smile, similar to the one he had when you had first seen him, and he nodded, taking off the glove he was using to wash up. "It seems to me that we haven't been properly introduced" you said, looking him in the eye, "my name is YN, please don't use formal honorifics with me."

"Nice to meet you, noona" he replied, holding your hand gently, his skin warm next to yours, "I am Hyunjin, a friend of Changbin's".

"Yes, he told me about you" you confided to him, as if you had erased from your memories everything that had happened previously, "I'm a big fan of your work. I like the way you represent love in your paintings."

Hyunjin blushed, returning to his work of cleaning cutlery and glasses.

"Thank you," he murmured, "I've heard about you too. I can tell he loves you very much."

"I've known him since he was very little" you laughed, making a nonchalant gesture with your hand, "it's probably because he prefers me to his sister."

"Maybe" he replied, letting out a laugh at your joke. "I'm so sorry you couldn't go to your friend's house because of me."

"Don't worry, it's not your fault" you reassured him, helping him clean up the sink once everything was neat. "Actually, it was the Seo siblings' doing, who ganged up against me. Anyway, Hae needed time alone with Jaemin, if you know what I mean."

You guessed he did when you saw him swallow and his blush worsened to a shade where not even the curve of his ears were safe from the crimson red. You let out a laugh when you saw him nod, not knowing what to do with his hands or where to look. You couldn't help but think it was cute. He was cute.

"I prefer the company I have at the moment, if I'm being honest" you continued, finding it too addictive to mess with him a little, now that you knew you made him nervous. "So, it's okay."

"My favorite people!" exclaimed Changbin walking into the kitchen, and putting his arms around your shoulders, wrapping you in a hug. "Are you going to take the car to go with Hae, noona?" he asked you, pressing his cheek to yours.

You started tickling him to get him off of you, and smiled when he started giggling and squeezed next to Hyunjin like he was a koala bear.

"No, I'm not in the mood," you admitted, leaning against the island after setting up the stools, "although I'm also lazy about having to go back to my apartment. Why, do you have any plans?"

"Actually, I was going to tell Changbin if he wanted to come to the house my family has rented" Hyunjin interjected, "because my parents are out to see the area and they took Kkami with them."

"Awww, my Hyunjinnie always thinking about his hyung."

Changbin's allergy, you remembered. He could be around animals, but being in contact with them directly, or the hairs they always left everywhere made his eyes watery, his nose red and he'd start sneezing, or have congestion. It was horrible both to feel it, and to see him suffer so much, especially since he really liked animals. Kkami must be Hyunjin's dog, then. The one Changbin talked about sometimes.

"I saw earlier that you had put on a bikini" Hyunjin continued, "if you wanted to go with your friend so you could swim, there is an indoor pool in this house. You can come with us."

The dancer felt quite proud that he had not stuttered when talking about when he had seen you in a bikini, and also that he had managed to carry out his initial plan: inviting you to spend more time with him. He had already wanted to before arriving at the Seo house, but after your little chat that idea had taken hold.

You exchanged a glance with Changbin, too nervous to let out the "Yes!" that deep down you wanted to exclaim, and he nodded, as if encouraging you to accept. You merely nodded, a shy smile trapped on your lips, and Hyunjin responded with another, one that made his brown eyes turn into crescents.

"Is it good for you now?" he asked, breaking away from Changbin, glancing at the time on his watch with a graceful twist of his wrist.

"I have nowhere else to be."

Changbin let out a shout of excitement and forced you to follow him around the apartment as he stuffed the essentials into a backpack and grabbed his car keys. He went on and on about how happy he was that two of his favorite people were beginning to form a friendship, and that you had so much in common that it seemed like fate. And as he explained that as much as it seemed like fate, it was actually his evil plan, you and Hyunjin exchanged amused and embarrassed glances, knowing that one way or the other, you were both grateful that it had happened this way.

Even though you would normally ask for the front passenger seat whenever you went in Changbin's car, given the circumstances you decided to give up your seat to Hyunjin, and you plopped down in the middle seat in the back.

"Who's in charge of the playlist?" you asked, dropping your backpack next to you and checking that you were carrying everything.

"Hyunjinnie!" shouted Changbin, starting up. "He's carrying the driver's phone. That means Maps and playlists."

"If you want to play your Spotify, or recommend something, just let me know and I'll pass you the phone" muttered the dancer, embarrassed by the way Changbin kept exposing him in front of the girl he liked.Did he like her? If he thought she was an amazing person before, now he was crazy about her, and wanting to get to know her more.

"Can I really?" you said, peeking between the seats and looking at Hyunjin, your faces too close for either of you to maintain a mask of indifference. You cleared your throat, blushing, and leaned back again, Hyunjin just as red as you.

"First the directions to our destination" Changbin claimed. But Hyunjin was still processing the small interaction you had just shared, still feeling the soft tickle of your breath against his cheek, your lips almost touching his skin.

"Hyunjiiin, where am I going?"

"Ah, yes, sorry" he replied, absentmindedly, entering the address into the cell phone, the female voice, monotone and canned, announcing the course you had to take to reach your destination.

While the driver listened attentively to the route to follow, Hyunjin handed you the phone. You searched for the Spotify app that you were aware Changbin had signed up for on premium, and it pained you to have to log out of his account in order to open your own. You knew you could search for your profile from his, but the playlist you had in mind wasn't public, so you had to settle for a non-premium plan, and put up with the advertising that played. While you were searching through all the playlists you had made for fun, a message arrived. You knew you shouldn't look at it because it wasn't right, but you also knew that the only person Changbin could have saved as Noona was his sister, so you wondered what she wanted, in case it was something important.

Noona How's it going over there, Binnie?

Was she really sending that to his brother and not to you? When it was you she had left against your will?

"Who's the message from?" asked Changbin, making eye contact from the rearview mirror with you.

"Hae asks how it's going" you reply, a confused gesture written on your face. You watch Changbin's surprise turn to a light blush in his ears and you frown, not knowing what to expect from the brothers once they were determined about something.

"Text her that all good, I'll tell her more later."

You nod, following his instructions, and when you see she's not online, you go back to Spotify, trying to find that playlist you created when you went on a trip with Eunhae to Japan and rented a car just so you could drive at night on uncrowded roads. It hadn't been a very smart move, given that you were two young girls traveling alone and unfortunately that attracted catastrophes, but you had enjoyed it a lot. When you looked at the notification bar again and saw that there was a new message, your heart skipped a beat, thinking that maybe Hae had written something related to what she and her brother were up to.

But it was actually an unanswered message from Felix, from at least half an hour earlier, which Changbin must not have seen because he was lying on the couch with his father while you and Hyunjin cleaned up. And then, when you decided to go on that trip, he must not have had time to reply. You told yourself you weren't going to read it because it would already be rude, but there was one word that caught your attention. Your own name. What could be the chances that he was talking about you? The whole message didn't appear either, only the beginning. It would be only a peek.

Yongbok Hyung, if you don't answer me I'm going to be very angry. I just want to know how Hyunjin hyung is doing with YN! He’s not answering either. You have to at least tell me if they've already fallen in lo...

And you couldn't read any more. What was Felix talking about? You and Hyunjin? Why did everyone suddenly seem so intent on finding out how well you two were getting along? You didn't understand what the fixation was, when literally the fact that you had met today was entirely fortuitous.

"What about that music?" you heard Changbin ask.

"I can't find the playlist" you mutter absentmindedly, still looking at what Felix had written, frowning. You went back to the Spotify app once more, sighing, and scrolled through the folders with different playlists until you found the cover of the one you were looking for. Riptide by Vance Joy began to play, and you smiled, the lyrics sliding across your lips, as you returned the device to the copilot, your fingers touching for a few seconds before you pulled away, as if your skin burned.

Hyunjin knew he had blushed again, but it was your fault. When you had mentioned that Changbin's sister had sold you out to get some alone time with that boy, the only thing that had crossed his mind was what it would be like to have time alone with you. He didn't want to go too fast, didn't even want to think about such things, but he couldn't help but think about how it would feel to kiss you, resting his hand on your cheek and bringing you to him, whether you would make any surprised noises when he licked your lower lip more than willing to intensify the kiss. And yet he still found himself imagining situations where he would finally take the step and bring your lips together in a sweet way.

It was surreal that having met you for the first time that morning, he had the feeling that he had known you all his life. It was true that when he had met Changbin, and the conversation had brought up the subject of family, he had included you in his family as another sister. It wasn't until later, when they had already forged a friendship, that the rapper had told him your story in more depth. How your path had crossed his sister's by chance, and you had fit in perfectly. How kind and caring you were, always taking an interest in Changbin when you visited Eunhae, and dedicating your time to help him with those subjects he was struggling with in high school. How you had arranged a schedule together with his sister to help him practice all the specialties required at JYP, and to prepare for the presentation he was to give. You had never doubted him, his abilities, or that he could become an idol, one of the best Kpop producers if he put his mind to it.

Changbin spoke highly of his two noonas, and for him your figure had become someone to look up to. How you had come through in spite of your family situation, the losses you'd had, even the difficulties you'd had to face, like that terrible toxic boyfriend or when you'd gotten lower grades than you'd expected because you'd stayed up late the night before working so you could pay for the tiny apartment you lived in. Changbin knew he could go to Hyunjin to tell his worries about the latest story you'd gotten caught up in, or the latest mistake her sister had made that had cost her nights crying. If Hyunjin was normally a wonderful listener, when it came to you, he drank up every detail his friend told him as if it were divine nectar. Soon Seungmin and Felix learned of his little fixation with you and began to tease him about the crush he had developed.

The worst had been when you had gotten that job as a secretary at the art gallery, something you had told him about as if he didn't already know, and you had sent Changbin the photos his sister had taken of you, posing with your beautiful smile at the first exhibition you had helped your boss organize. The dress looked great on you, and the color highlighted the irises of your eyes. Hyunjin, being the first time he had seen a picture of you, had been breathless. At the time, Changbin had thought it was because he had recognized some painting in the background, and had offered to ask you if you could get him a ticket, but Hyunjin had quickly declined, not remotely ready to meet you yet. Even at that moment, stealing glances at you through the rearview mirror, feeling how his heart melted as he watched you sing with such enthusiasm the songs you had played, he felt you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and you were still stealing his breath the same way.

When Changbin parked, and announced with a clap of his hands that you had arrived, you let out a groan, protesting.

"Car rides should take hours and hours," you said, unbuckling your seatbelt and grabbing your backpack, "because on that playlist I had The View and Mixtape: Time Out and I wanted to sing them with you. But they didn't soud!"

As you opened the door to leave, you bumped into Changbin, who wrapped you in a hug, smiling.

"You'll have time to put them on when you get back," he replied, still clutching you in his arms. "Abeoji was right, noona. It's been a while since we've seen you."

"Aww" you told him, leaving a quick kiss on his cheek, "my Binnie missed me?"

"Yah!" she exclaimed, pulling away. "Not in front of my member!"

Hyunjin and you let out an outrageous laugh at the same time, and he went over to tease Changbin, muttering something about how they were usually the ones who suffered his love attacks and to hold his annoyance if for once he was the one on the receiving end of them. Though they both knew, and so did you, that it was all an act. Changbin was too affectionate to deny a display of love on purpose. You lagged behind, pulling out your phone to check if you had any missed texts. Sure enough, Hae had written to you. And sure enough, it was one of her comments.

Hae-Hae Omma told me what you were going to do. You'll tell me how handsome Hyunjin is when you see him in his swimsuit. Mwaaah!

Fuck. You hadn't thought about that. You had been too focused on being able to enjoy the pool and his company to process that both of those things involved seeing him in a swimsuit. Maybe he'd do like some idols and wear a t-shirt over it ーwhich wouldn't help either because after all, the clothes would get wet, and that would be much more distracting. But you doubted that because they would take advantage of the fact that they were in a trusted environment to dress however they wanted, as they wore the shirt in content for fans, and maybe in public.

When Hyunjin opened the door, the first thing you did was to accept with a smile the slippers he offered to you and to Changbin, and then ask where the pool was. Maybe while they were changing, it would give you time to swim for a while and get all those dangerous thoughts out of your head. Hyunjin pointed you with a smile in the direction it was, and then led Changbin up the stairs, to put on his swimsuit as soon as possible and join you.

You followed his directions, going down to the basement, which was full of arcades, and walking along it to the right, where you found the pool. You smiled automatically, and dropped your backpack on some nearby couches, approaching the edge and sitting down, letting out a content sigh as you felt the slightly warm water come into contact with your skin. You had always had an affinity for water sports, but at the end of the day it was the simple act of swimming or floating on the surface that gave you the most peace. When you were diving, and you heard nothing but the thoughts and voices in your head slowly disappearing, that was when you were the happiest. That's why you had looked for a university that had a sports complex, and a swimming pool open to students. So that you could go there when everything became too overwhelming around you.

You sat there for a few minutes, admiring how calm the water was, and the little waves that formed when you moved your legs, and the rustic views you could see from the huge windows in front of you. And then you remembered that you only had an afternoon to make the most of, and you jumped up, discarding your shorts and T-shirt by the edge and diving in head first in a graceful manner. Wearing a bikini to swim wasn't the best choice, unless it was one specifically designed for the strong, decisive movements that any experienced swimmer made, but at the moment it was all you had and it would have to do.

Hyunjin had reached the glass door leading to the pool in time to see you take off your clothes and dive into the water. There was a practice and casualness in how you moved that made his fingers tingle, craving to have a pencil and notebook close so he could sketch the way your muscles flexed and untensed every time you swam. It was a sight to see you, and he tried to absorb as much as possible so he could paint you when he was back in his room, in Seoul.

When you took a break, a few minutes later, you saw Hyunjin sitting on the couches where you had left your backpack.

"Hi" you said to him, a shy smile beginning to form on your lips, as you brushed away the drops of water still sliding down your nose and cheeks. "Aren't you going to get in?"

"The truth is, watching you swim is impressive" he confessed, a small blush appearing on his cheeks.

"You know how to swim?" you commented, leaning against the edge as he approached. You tried to pay attention to him as he responded, but when you realized he was shirtless, you looked away, flustered, and moved a little away from him, trying to put as much distance as you could between the two of you.

He noticed the effect he had on you and blushed even more, though his confidence also increased. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down on the edge and letting himself slip until the water hit his neck, the pool designed so that the deep end was on the opppsite side of the windows.

"Nothing's wrong" you replied, leaning your back against the part you were standing on.

"Then why do you blush?" he said, wanting to tease you as much as you had done in the kitchen, and moving closer, swimming slowly and smoothly.

"As much as you did when you saw me in a bikini in the morning, you say?" you blurted out, trying to fight back.

When Hyunjin stood in front of you, the height difference becoming obvious as he stood up and the distance between your chests less than you'd need to keep from fainting, you swore you'd stopped breathing.

"You say that like your heart isn't going a mile a minute right now" he replied, raising an eyebrow.

You took a deep breath and rested a hand on his chest, noticing how his own heart was going as fast as yours. He looked at you with his mouth parted, as surprised by your actions as you were, and you saw his Adam's apple twitch as he swallowed nervously.

"Looks to me like we're even" you managed to mutter, your mouth dry with anticipation, before Hyunjin kissed you.

You had been caught off guard by his outburst of initiative, but unlike that first gesture, his mouth was soft against yours. You welcomed his lips with yours, savoring the kiss, and the warmth that came over you with it, a sharp contrast to how wet you were from the water around you. You felt him rest his hands on your bare hips and stifled a whimper, running your hand up to the nape of his neck and tangling your fingers in his damp hair. Hyunjin let out a slight whine of happiness, realizing that you tasted exactly as he had imagined you, felt exactly as he had imagined, and reacted in the same way his mind had imagined so many times.

But just as he was about to run his tongue along your lower lip, just as he was about to sit you on the edge so he could position himself between your naked legs, you both heard Changbin's slippers enter the room, interrupting you and causing you to break out in embarrassment.

Changbin hid a smile that you never saw and excused himself, leaving the room. That had been the day he had introduced you, and also the day he had feared you would get along badly, given your reaction after that first meeting. He had feared because for years he had seen both of your faces light up when he told you things about each other, and he didn't want a bad first impression to mess up the beautiful relationship that could emerge if things went well. So he was relieved, because the little moments of complicity he had caught glimpses of throughout the day had blossomed in this moment that he had been unlucky enough to interrupt. And so he retreated to Hyunjin's room, which he had seen upon arrival, and picked up his phone to send messages to both his sister and Felix.

Binnie Everything went great. I think they're in love.

( shout out to these photos hyunjin sent on bbl because i saw them while writing the one shot and they helped a lot when planning out the end 一the romantic part . i leave them here to delight your eyes ♡ )

© stayconnecteed 2023 · do not copy, translate, repost or share this work as yours on other platforms

[mollyrealized]

How Michael Met Neil

original direct link [MP3]

(Neil, if you see this, please feel free to grab the transcript and store on your site; I had no easy way of contacting you.)

DAVID TENNANT: Tell me about @neil-gaiman then, because he's in that category [previously: “such a profound effect on my life”] as well.

MICHAEL SHEEN: So this is what has brought us together.

DAVID: Yes.

MICHAEL: To the new love story for the 21st century.

DAVID: Exactly.

MICHAEL: So when I went to drama school, there was a guy called Gary Turner in my year. And within the first few weeks, we were doing something, having a drink or whatever. And he said to me, “Do you read comic books?”

And I said, “No.”  I mean, this is … what … '88?  '88, '89.  So it was … now I know that it was a period of time that was a big change, transformation going through comic books.  Rather than it being thought of as just superheroes and Batman and Superman, there was this whole new era of a generation of writers like Grant Morrison.

DAVID: The kids who'd grown up reading comic books were now making comic books

MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, and starting to address different kinds of subjects through the comic book medium. So it wasn't about just superheroes, it was all kinds of stuff going on – really fascinating stuff. And I was totally unaware of this.

And so this guy Gary said to me, "Do you read them?" And I said, "No."  And he went, "Right, okay, here's The Watchman [sic] by Alan Moore. Here's Swamp Thing. Here's Hellblazer. And here's Sandman.”

And Sandman was Neil Gaiman's big series that put his name on the map. And I read all those, and, just – I was blown away by all of them, but particularly the Sandman stories, because he was drawing on mythology, which was something I was really interested in, and fairy tales, folklore, and philosophy, and Shakespeare, and all kinds of stuff were being mixed up in this story.  And I absolutely loved it.

So I became a big fan of Neil's, and started reading everything by him. And then fairly shortly after that, within six months to a year, Good Omens the book came out, which Neil wrote with Terry Pratchett. And so I got the book – because I was obviously a big fan of Neil's by this point – read it, loved it, then started reading Terry Pratchett’s stuff as well, because I didn't know his stuff before then – and then spent years and years and years just being a huge fan of both of them.

And then eventually when – I'd done films like the Underworld films and doing Twilight films. And I think it was one of the Twilight films, there was a lot of very snooty interviews that happened where people who considered themselves well above talking about things like Twilight were having to interview me … and, weirdly, coming at it from the attitude of 'clearly this is below you as well' … weirdly thinking I'm gonna go, 'Yeah, fucking Twilight.”

And I just used to go, "You know what? Some of the greatest writing of the last 50-100 years has happened in science fiction or fantasy."  Philip K Dick is one of my favorite writers of all time. In fact, the production of Hamlet I did was mainly influenced by Philip K Dick.  Ursula K. Le Guin and Asimov, and all these amazing people. And I talked about Neil as well. And so I went off on a bit of a rant in this interview.

Anyway, the interview came out about six months later, maybe.  Knock on the door, open the door, delivery of a big box. That’s interesting. Open the box, there's a card at the top of the box. I open the card.

It says, From one fan to another, Neil Gaiman.  And inside the box are first editions of Neil's stuff, and all kinds of interesting things by Neil. And he just sent this stuff.

DAVID: You'd never met him?

MICHAEL: Never met him. He'd read the interview, or someone had let him know about this interview where I'd sung his praises and stood up for him and the people who work within that sort of genre as being like …

And he just got in touch. We met up for the first time when he came to – I was in Los Angeles at the time, and he came to LA.  And he said, "I'll take you for a meal."

I said, “All right.”

He said, "Do you want to go somewhere posh, or somewhere interesting?”

I said, "Let's go somewhere interesting."

He said, "Right, I'm going to take you to this restaurant called The Hump." And it's at Santa Monica Airport. And it's a sushi restaurant.

I was like, “Right, okay.” So I had a Mini at the time. And we get in my Mini and we drive off to Santa Monica Airport. And this restaurant was right on the tarmac, like, you could sit in the restaurant (there's nobody else there when we got there, we got there quite early) and you're watching the planes landing on Santa Monica Airport. It's extraordinary. 

And the chef comes out and Neil says, "Just bring us whatever you want. Chef's choice."

So, I'd never really eaten sushi before. So we sit there; we had this incredible meal where they keep bringing these dishes out and they say, “This is [blah, blah, blah]. Just use a little bit of soy sauce or whatever.”  You know, “This is eel.  This is [blah].”

And then there was this one dish where they brought out and they didn't say what it was. It was like “mystery dish”, we had it ... delicious. Anyway, a few more people started coming into the restaurant as time went on.

And we're sort of getting near the end, and I said, "Neil, I can't eat anymore. I'm gonna have to stop now. This is great, but I can't eat–"

"Right, okay. We'll ask for the bill in a minute."

And then the door opens and some very official people come in. And it was the Feds. And the Feds came in, and we knew they were because they had jackets on that said they were part of the Federal Bureau of Whatever. And about six of them come in. Two of them go … one goes behind the counter, two go into the kitchen, one goes to the back. They've all got like guns on and stuff.

And me and Neil are like, "What on Earth is going on?"

And then eventually one guy goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't ordered already, please leave. If you're still eating your meal, please finish up, pay your bill, leave."*

[* - delivered in a perfect American ‘serious law agent’ accent/impression]

And we were like, "Oh my God, are we poisoned? Is there some terrible thing that's happened?"  

We'd finished, so we pay our bill.  And then all the kitchen staff are brought out. And the head chef is there. The guy who's been bringing us this food. And he's in tears. And he says to Neil, "I'm so sorry." He apologizes to Neil.  And we leave. We have no idea what happened.

DAVID: But you're assuming it's the mystery dish.

MICHAEL: Well, we're assuming that we can't be going to – we can't be –  it can't be poisonous. You know what I mean? It can't be that there's terrible, terrible things.

So the next day was the Oscars, which is why Neil was in town. Because Coraline had been nominated for an Oscar. Best documentary that year was won by The Cove, which was by a team of people who had come across dolphins being killed, I think.

Turns out, what was happening at this restaurant was that they were having illegal endangered species flown in to the airport, and then being brought around the back of the restaurant into the kitchen.

We had eaten whale – endangered species whale. That was the mystery dish that they didn't say what it was.

And the team behind The Cove were behind this sting, and they took them down that night whilst we were there.

DAVID: That’s extraordinary.

MICHAEL: And we didn't find this out for months.  So for months, me and Neil were like, "Have you worked anything out yet? Have you heard anything?"

"No, I haven't heard anything."

And then we heard that it was something to do with The Cove, and then we eventually found out that that restaurant, they were all arrested. The restaurant was shut down. And it was because of that. And we'd eaten whale that night.

DAVID: And that was your first meeting with Neil Gaiman.

MICHAEL: That was my first meeting. And also in the drive home that night from that restaurant, he said, and we were in my Mini, he said, "Have you found the secret compartment?"

I said, "What are you talking about?" It's such a Neil Gaiman thing to say.

DAVID: Isn't it?

MICHAEL: The secret compartment? Yeah. Each Mini has got a secret compartment. I said, "I had no idea." It's secret. And he pressed a little button and a thing opened up. And it was a secret compartment in my own car that Neil Gaiman showed me.

DAVID: Was there anything inside it?

MICHAEL: Yeah, there was a little man. And he jumped out and went, "Hello!" No, there was nothing in there. There was afterwards because I started putting...

DAVID: Sure. That's a very Neil Gaiman story. All of that is such a Neil Gaiman story.

MICHAEL: That's how it began. Yeah.

DAVID: And then he came to offer you the part in Good Omens.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Well, we became friends and we would whenever he was in town, we would meet up and yeah, and then eventually he started, he said, "You know, I'm working on an adaptation of Good Omens." And I can remember at one point Terry Gilliam was going to maybe make a film of it. And I remember being there with Neil and Terry when they were talking about it. And...

DAVID: Were you involved at that point?

MICHAEL: No, no, I wasn't involved. I just happened to have met up with Neil that day.

DAVID: Right.

MICHAEL: And then Terry Gilliam came along and they were chatting, that was the day they were talking about that or whatever.

And then eventually he sent me one of the scripts for an early draft of like the first episode of Good Omens. And he said – and we started talking about me being involved in it, doing it – he said, “Would you be interested?” I was like, "Yeah, of course."  I went, "Oh my God." And he said, "Well, I'll send you the scripts when they come," and I would read them, and we'd talk about them a little bit. And so I was involved.

But it was always at that point with the idea, because he'd always said about playing Crowley in it. And so, as time went on, as I was reading the scripts, I was thinking, "I don't think I can play Crowley. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it." And I started to get a bit nervous because I thought, “I don't want to tell Neil that I don't think I can do this.”  But I just felt like I don't think I can play Crowley.

DAVID: Of course you can [play Crowley?].

MICHAEL: Well, I just on a sort of, on a gut level, sometimes you have it on a gut level.

DAVID: Sure, sure.

MICHAEL: I can do this.

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Or I can't do this. And I just thought, “You know what, this is not the part for me. The other part is better for me, I think. I think I can do that, I don't think I could do that.”

But I was scared to tell Neil because I thought, "Well, he wants me to play Crowley" – and then it turned out he had been feeling the same way as well.  And he hadn't wanted to mention it to me, but he was like, "I think Michael should really play Aziraphale."

And neither of us would bring it up.  And then eventually we did. And it was one of those things where you go, "Oh, thank God you said that. I feel exactly the same way." And then I think within a fairly short space of time, he said, “I think we've got … David Tennant … for Crowley.” And we both got very excited about that.

And then all these extraordinary people started to join in. And then, and then off we went.

DAVID: That's the other thing about Neil, he collects people, doesn't he? So he'll just go, “Oh, yeah, I've phoned up Frances McDormand, she's up for it.” Yeah. You're, what?

MICHAEL: “I emailed Jon Hamm.”

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: And yeah, and you realize how beloved he is and how beloved his work is. And I think we would both recognise that Good Omens is one of the most beloved of all of Neil's stuff.

DAVID: Yes.

MICHAEL: And had never been turned into anything.

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: And so the kind of responsibility of that, I mean, for me, for someone who has been a fan of him and a fan of the book for so long, I can empathize with all the fans out there who are like, “Oh, they better not fuck this up.”

DAVID: Yes.

MICHAEL: “And this had better be good.” And I have that part of me. But then, of course, the other part of me is like, “But I'm the one who might be fucking it up.”

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: So I feel that responsibility as well.

DAVID: But we have Neil on site.

MICHAEL: Yes. Well, Neil being the showrunner …

DAVID: Yeah. I think it takes the curse off.

MICHAEL: … I think it made a massive difference, didn't it? Yeah. You feel like you're in safe hands.

DAVID: Well, we think. Not that the world has seen it yet.

MICHAEL (grimly): No, I know.

DAVID: But it was a -- it's been a -- it's been a joy to work with you on it. I can't wait for the world to see it.

MICHAEL: Oh my God.  Oh, well, I mean, it's the only, I've done a few things where there are two people, it's a bit of a double act, like Frost-Nixon and The Queen, I suppose, in some ways. But, and I've done it, Amadeus or whatever.

This is the only thing I've done where I really don't think of it as “my character” or “my performance as that character”.  I think of it totally as us.

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: The two of us.

DAVID: Yes.

MICHAEL: Like they, what I do is defined by what you do.

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL: And that was such a joy to have that experience. And it made it so much easier in a way as well, I found, because you don't feel like you're on your own in it. Like it's totally us together doing this and the two characters totally complement each other. And the experience of doing it was just a real joy.

DAVID: Yeah.  Well, I hope the world is as excited to see it as we are to talk about it, frankly.

MICHAEL: You know, there's, having talked about T.S. Eliot earlier, there's another bit from The Wasteland where there's a line which goes, These fragments I have shored against my ruin.

And this is how I think about life now. There is so much in life, no matter what your circumstances, no matter what, where you've got, what you've done, how much money you got, all that. Life's hard.  I mean, you can, it can take you down at any point.

You have to find this stuff. You have to like find things that will, these fragments that you hold to yourself, they become like a liferaft, and especially as time goes on, I think, as I've got older, I've realized it is a thin line between surviving this life and going under.

And the things that keep you afloat are these fragments, these things that are meaningful to you and what's meaningful to you will be not-meaningful to someone else, you know. But whatever it is that matters to you, it doesn't matter what it was you were into when you were a teenager, a kid, it doesn't matter what it is. Go and find them, and find some way to hold them close to you. 

Make it, go and get it. Because those are the things that keep you afloat. They really are. Like doing that with him or whatever it is, these are the fragments that have shored against my ruin. Absolutely.

DAVID: That's lovely. Michael, thank you so much.

MICHAEL: Thank you.

DAVID: For talking today and for being here.

MICHAEL: Oh, it's a pleasure. Thank you.