#now im rambling i need to get the fuck to bed
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it doesnt need to be said but its genuinely so funny how at-the-hip charles and erik are in krakoa like they really had the green light- the OBLIGATION- to be as obnoxiously close to each other as possible and abused that right to the fullest extent
#xmen#xmen comic#krakoa#cherik#snap chats#until the divorce of course but until then its actually so funny#how you really couldnt go a page or two without one or the other and the other one was close behind#ice climber ass duo over here. the delightful children from down the lane kind of proximity what the fuck was their PROBLEM#i feel like if one of them was teleported the other would just materialize right next to them thats how close they were#fuuuck what was the issue where sabretooth and co are in like. Brain Prison or something#and victor imagines charles but everyones like 'wait its weird if its just him where's magneto'#ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY and i NEED to know what issue that was .... to add it to my collection ....#also killed me how in immoral x-men issue 1 charles was yappin bout erik bein gone#and- God Bless Who i forget i think it was hope- was just 'can you please shut up about your dead boyfriend im begging you'#moira stronger than me if i had to deal with thing 1 and thing 2 on a daily basis i woulda snapped sooner frankly#ig when you live ten times through The Most Bullshit ever youre numb to most things but still. my god theyre so obnoxious#sorry im cackling at the bit in HoX where charles is about to announce krakoa to the world and erik's putting his hand on his shoulder#and you justs see moira in the back like dawgggg right in front of her .... can you two get a room#GENUINELY no im GENUINELY surprised they dont share a bedroom#im not even talking sharing a bed im taking my shipper goggles off im actually baffled they dont sleep in the same building#obvi id be lyin if i said i didnt love it tho To Be Real .. genuinely love seein them work together as a team .. until they werent </3#in every timeline they WILL divorce each other that's just the rule. actual canon event it cannot be changed or stopped its integral#ok ramble over. but not really not in spirit cause ill never be over this ill die before i am#im gonna go eat now i think i think thats something i As A Human has to do at least once a day
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harbinger voice lines..............
#yes i should have been in bed two hours ago but we're going through it#this week i will be mentally unwell because of this fuckign video game#miscellaneous#me editing the pre-arle note on my fic: im so sorry i did not fully predict her right please dont be mad#//spoilers for her voice lines#but i do love that she fucking detests dottore and thinks pantalone is full of shit#even if i wrote her more sympathetic toward them in the fic#like her hating them would change the entire context of the chapter so i dont want to attempt to edit it. like the story is done#gah i knew this would happen. and now im at the point where i just need to sit and bear my inaccuracies but it's Hard#it's why i def dont want to write any more fanfic until we get more details about these fuckers#because i hate being wrong ;o;#and i hate getting attached to my 'wrong' headcanons#at least everything we know about pantalone so far fits with what i wrote#now im rambling i need to get the fuck to bed
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If I complain about being tired tomorrow I need you to tell me to Shut The Fuck Up, I did this to myelf.
#ramblings#^ /lh but also like. Like#hopefully i can get stuff done fast in the morning and just fucking. nap. when i get home#(guy who is not lonely at all voice) so yeah i needed to be in vc as long as possible because i missed my friend#OK IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE THREE THAT SAW ME SAY TO KILL ME IF U SAW ME TYPING ANYWHERE. THIS DOESNT COUNT#THIS DOESNT COUNT I JUST WANNA LEAVE THIS POST B4 I GO TO BED. IM LAYING DOWN NOW
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If Windows doesn't STOP automatically installing updates during my working hours without asking or even informing me while I am already in the middle of updating an application I'm going to drive to the Microsoft headquarters and throw my gaming laptop through a window
#ive been trying to play bg3 for AN HOUR AND A FUCKING HALF and still havent even been able to get steam to OPEN#bc steam decided it needed to update itself#and then windows decided it was going to start updating itself WHILE the steam update was installing#so the steam update took an entire fucking hour and now even after the steam update finished it still wont open#and the windows update is still fucking taking forever#i decided to play bg3 at 4:30#it is currently fucking 6:00 and i STILL havent been able to even start#if this takes so long that i dont even get to play the game before i have to start getting ready for bed im going to set something on fire#rambling
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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ohhhhh Sleep is definitely one of these trees isn't it.... its absolutely a waking (as in IT is waking up in me) aspect
#i. have. ugh. ive been weiiiirrrdddllly side-eying Hypnos since I discovered he existed (not getting into why. he reminds me of hermes.#he reminds me of lull. thats all im saying) but the point is because Divinity Of Sleep hits home in ways i havent been comfortable explorin#in myself so i was. looking outside me. i dont need outside stuff. godddddddd ok#ramblings //#creation: the forest //#aspect: sleep //#fuckkkkkk ive been having issues w sleep for so long now - and i only really recently started believing im not fucking insane and that#astral stuff does actually happen - that i completely forgot in the beginning of working w spirits post-twins i fucking#was helping people getting to sleep and Hermes fucking called me something to do with sleep and my energy was - goddamn it#i literally. naturally expand into comfortable bedding. my bedroom is like a shrine space to me not because of how its used by others#(though spirits were treating it like that BECAUSE of this aspect) but because my energy was inhabiting it like an extension of me.#i was the calm. i was the relaxing into sleep. i was sleep itself. i was that which lulled people into sleep and dreaming. oh my god of#COURSE this realisation/remembering happens after i craft a crystal for my twinflame that filters out nightmares and whatnot#because. that thing. isnt a spell jar put together with ingredients and wishes. i manufactured the goddamn journey into sleep#it rewrites the falling into sleep itself manually (or. i manually programmed it. left it to autonomously repeat that action)#it was a complete ''i know how falling asleep and dreaming work this is what causes nightmares this is what causes dreams'' and#grr grr grr ok
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Cons of updating the wiki: I have to actually figure out what the fuck is up with "a seed is planted"
#rat rambles#oni posting#I have Still not found out how to get it back#idk what I did to make it show up the first like 3 times and I have even less of an idea now#Ive tried everything I could think of and the only idea I have left is to crack open debug mode again#I remember my first theory was that it had smth to do with debug mode since thats when I first saw it but I remember trying that again#later and it not working so I dont fucking know man#Im launching a new debug world as we speak and Im betting I wont uncover the mystery because nails hates me and so does klei#I just want to know what section of the wiki I should put it in man is that so much to ask#like I remember it being a research note but god if I know at this point#especially after looking in the code and seeing it alongside the story trait stuff this fucking log has ruined my life#alrighty the world is loading cmon#aaaand its not there Im going to fucking lose it#I Know it was in game and I Know its still in the files I checked very recently#I saw it I know its there I know it exists but it keeps fucking escaping me idk what to do man#Ive tried asking ppl on several platforms and at this point I might just delete the game /j#idk Ill fuck around a lil bit more but then I need to shower and go to bed#idk maybe Ill look into some oni discord servers tomorrow and see if I can get any help there
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well one of family never ends' author's other fics is the epilogue of course ;) but ipgd also wrote people don't do that (alphacest), homestuck watches boku no pico, and like the first uucest fic
YAASS OMG.
ANON.
Thank you.
Deeply and truly thank you. Saved me a real pain. It was People Don't Do That. Gonna reread it ASAP. I don't remember if I read the uucest one, but I powered thru a lot of fics while I was sick in Jan, and I don't remember like 90% of those two weeks. (Like, as I'm going thru the tag I'm reading now, I'll see something unclicked and go to read it, finish the fic like OMG SO GOOD, and then scroll a little more and I see my name at the top of the kudos list and it's like, wait, when tf did I read this? It was when I was sick.)
Ughhhh. I ADORE the dynamic of whichever younger Strider being the instigator, and it fits Alphacest so deliciously. (I don't even know what to say here without being so fucking overtly horny for Alpha Dave in general but that's not new lmao.)
But seriously, the scene on the roof where Dirk took Dave's underwear, like. I died. There's no other way to put it. It fucking killed me. I'm going to remember that forever, it was so good.
#anonymous#asked#hhhh ive had this text box open typing paragraphs for a while but none of that shit was relevant#i was just rambling too much abt the alpha dave in my own wip#just ugh i love in fics when dirk gets alpha dave all flustered#(i mean. bro doing that to dave too is good im not denying that)#but if its dave riling up bro that means it was something particularly nassssty which is great#like for dirk and dave the freaky bar is a higher reach#idk where im going w these tags i need to get ready for bed lmao#stridercest#seriously thank you it wouldve taken me forever to get around to finding the title#ugh i could talk for days ab alphacest hhh the hero worship is so fucking good#i dont remember which tab was scrolling that ao3 tag but im pretty sure its one i read all the way through#i havent found another open alphacest one lmao the despair when i read to the end of the tag was horrible#i might stillhave some fics i havent read yet open in the tab folder but its probably like longer stories that take me a while to start#for now tho im workin on the brodave one (and so many more lmao recently opened a tab for brodirk)#i read too much and dont write enough i couldve already been done w my wip and moved on to finishing the other wips#anyway#im cold and gonna get into bed
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I have my shot drawn up (managed to stab my fuckin' finger with the back of the lid of the sharps container trying to open it in preparation, which is just stupid funny to me after being initially extremely irritating lmao. Ain't got the damn shot done yet, but still made myself bleed. What a talent I am lol)
I have about half of the cjizzy smut fic written (and my god im. i just love writing smut for these two so much. They're so much fucking fun, bc they both always find rest and safety and stability with each other in these moments, in between the cutest lil silly things and jokes and. These two!!!! also. also. trans izzy for this one bc I can)
It's gonna be three AM soon. I should sleep once shot and fic are done.
HOwever. However. I just remembered the idea I had for a smut fic involving modern au Ed and Izzy, the application of T gel (Ed applying it for Izzy), and then the dorks purposefully taking the drying/waiting period post gel application to start teasing each other until they can fuck (technically it isn't a super long period, but I remember when I was using it it was like. pls do try and not get it on other stuff/ppl/let it dry if possible before covering that area w/clothes, and try not to sweat a whole lot right away if you can help it. So like, in this fic, they've specifically carved out this time to do the application like this so that they can do this little routine: apply, tease, maybe cockwarm a little, then finally fuck once gel is dry and they've given it some time to sit/Izzy should be able to sweat safely lol)
So what if I just keep staying up and write that also. I'm tired, but every time I try to stop, my brain throws Additional Thoughts About Everything at me and uhhhh. That will prevent me from sleeping so like. What if I just do this and sleep later.
#text post#tw injections#adding that to b safe since im t shot talking lol#yesterday and now into today has been a tolerance break from my edibles and i can't decide if that was a mistake or not fdsjlkdajs#like I think the fics would still have gotten written and stuff but. idk. maybe some of the Thoughts would be chilling if I were to partake#but also im not wasting an edible this late at night/early in the am if im not already showered and in bed ready to pass out lmao#anyway where the fuck are ed izzy and jack bc they should be real and here and also doing my t shot for me#...on second thought. Jack can hold my hand. Ed can do my shot. And w/Izzy's permission I can bury my face in his bare chest during the sho#...i need to sleep soon im so sorry y'all#bless u for putting up with my extended rambling tonight lmao#if i can manage it i'll try to get the smut fics posted before i shower and sleep bc like. by then it's gonna be four or five so why not lo
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literally why am always like. feeling so inhernetly inferior to everyone
#idk why im feeling this way but i also dont know how not to . bc like i kinda am !!#like when the thing i make are not as beautiful or well made and the things i say not as interesting or smart or funny#and the things i do not as interesting or cool or fun and things i like not as smart or meaningful or important#and yes fuck it the way i look not as beautiful !! ik im not supposed to care but i do okay#idk in what way im not worse than everyone else#and i just wish i was as good as everyone else yk. or at least that i didnt feel like i wasnt if i really secretly am somehow#UGH i get like this every night#idk if its my brain going wild when i need to sleep or just everything im feeling deep down getting overwhelming in a way#and bubbling up. but i also felt miserable this morning so maybe not#and least i feel just useless to others and no activley harmful to them anymore ! an improvement ig#flappy rambles#vent#bro ihate doing this but im just going to go to bed now bc i rly need it#luce if ur reading this im sorry but ilusm gnight love <3
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I deeply love the freshman but she just called twice to ask if could jump her car at a location 30 minute drive away, I am pajama’d and blind in bed . No I cannot dedicate over an hour of time when it’s already my bedtime because surprise, I wake up at fuckin 4:25 am 🙃
NO FUCKING WAY was I awake typing this godforsaken post and my other friend called me for 30 MINUTES!!!!! You fuckheads I work on a farm do not contact me after 7:30!!!! Arggghhhhhh okay goodnight and anyone else who calls me is NOT getting an answer I am asleep GOODNIGHT !!!!
#and last night I got like 5 hours of sleep and I didn’t take a nap today. I shouldn’t be fucking driving anyway because I’m SLEEPY sleepy#I was like give me 30-40 minutes and she was like uhhh I will call some other people… yeah do that .#like if I do go for a drive this weekend I’ll still invite her but I’m getting a little sick of her antics#diary post#ugh. anyway if you find this E I do deeply love you fr but I told you I wasn’t going to be a good friend this summer#and I didn’t mean like teehee I can only hang out on Saturdays#I meant the likelihood I text back or see you in person more than twice a month is VERY low#and yeah this is on me for picking a stupid fucking job but like. I need to be sick of farming before I head to a city for 5+ years#I am exhausted down to my core. I relapsed in my bad habit on Saturday. I am barely functioning.#I don’t think I’ve eaten anything that’s not fruit or dairy products in the past 3 days. I am desperately waiting for an incident at work.#begging to the universe to let me get kicked in the head or something so I can have a few fucking days off PLEASE#anyway goodnight. now im all wound up and I’ll get another 5 hours of sleep#also ironic the second friend who called me was gossiping abt this guy at work that should just shut up sometimes#and im sitting there on the other side of the phone YAWNING after picking up and answering I am already in bed#and my friend is still rambling on about stupid inane work bullshit that I do not care about.#okay goodnight for real. I hate everything
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can't fucking believe vent is still down. where else am i gonna yell about being ill
#anyway it is Day Two and. i feel better in some ways but worse in others#had the worlds most disrupted night of sleep and now i'm coughing a lot more than yesterday and it sucks#but my throat feels less sore for sure. feels like my body is fighting this thing off super hard 💪💪💪💪 shame about the full body aching#and overall lack of energy. ooouugghhh and the lost voice of course. but this always fucking happens#i'm gonna have to pass on games night tonight if i'm still coughing a lot and/or still missing my voice#but aaaauugghhh the love of my friends will surely heal me like nothing else. unless they make me laugh and send me into a coughing fit#rambling#my god yeah thats one of the worst parts of being ill. cant watch anything that makes me laugh. im fucking dying of boredom here#sure there's other stuff to watch but no funnies and no video games when that's all i want rn. havent watched any more flapjack in DAYS#it's nowhere near as bad as covid so this is entirely unnecessary but i am once again getting thr urge to document my symptoms#with a god damn spreadsheet. but it's not as complex at all so eh.#i can't say too much about how much better i'm feeling just yet tbh bc i'm still back in bed hfkdhgkdh i can walk sure#but i need to go downstairs and make breakfast soon which is the REAL first hurdle#also the question of am i ready for toast again or do i need to stick to porridge just to be safe#not gonna lie. i didn't love the noodles i had yesterday so i'm wondering if i'll have the appetite for something else#i want a sandwich so fucking bad but i don't want to eat dry bread at the same time. aaauuggghhh#my sibling offered me a hot chocolate last night and i had to turn that down bc chocolate plus cold for me is a big no#but aaauugghhh a nice warm drink probably would’ve been rlly nice#i return once again to announce that got damn! i feel notivesbly better than i didn an hour ago and my voice is like 30% back!#which means that by tonight i might very well be at a functional enough level to hang out with friends after all#i can always dip if my energy levels tank again or whatever but like honestly hanging out with them is like. i need that#the last two days havent been great and i miss them and we have a lot to talk about so yeah i will do everything in my power#to be there tonight. but i will not force myself or push myself too far. bc i am the king of self care 💪💪💪#god sorry back again but. it continues to fascinate me how any kind of illness affects me in the same ways consistently regardless of what#kind of illness it is??? right now i have whats mainly a cough which is honestly rare for me when i get ill#it's usually more in the nose department and sometimes the throat but rarely the chest#and yet 9 out of 10 times i lose my voice. i Always struggle with low energy (altho thats a problem outside of being ill too jfdjgdhfhd)#have a hard time falling or staying asleep and i get nauseous if i sleep laying down enough#but also i am the king of hard and fast aka i get like 24 terrible hours and then recovery is super quick. i'll be back to 100% health in#less than a week. my poor fucking step dad has been in stage one for a WEEK it's really awful. but i have the power of youth on my side 💪
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After much thought that I'm too lazy to write out here, I've come to the conclusion that the crux of my problems stem from the observation that even when I ask for specific help with something that's bothering me, no one who has the power to help actually listens to my words and instead proceeds to voice their own theory/opinion on what I asked them (or sometimes a completely different topic).
It's just disappointing. I don't treat myself like that anymore, I don't think I treat others like that, why does it seem like everyone else is treating me like this?
#late night ramblings#also i know at keast 60% of my mental state can be fixed by a bed and room that isnt fucking tiny#which by the end of the month ill have providing this apartment thing works out#but the flip side is that so much work is due in between then and now and i do not know if im capable of meeting the deadlines#the mental ableism of academia is as strong as ever#i should get back into therapy too but i don't have the time or patience for my most recent therapist's style#ill probably need to go to the doctors in may for refilling of my prescription so maybe theyll refer me somewhere#but thats a May Kristen problem that im trying to not let dominate my mind
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man i fucking love pretzels with chocolate but i cant eat pretzels super often anymore bc theyre crunchy and hurt my teeth if i eat too many of them at once
so i came up with a solution:
slice of bread, nutella on it, and a lil sea salt sprinkled on top. A Leedol Treat For Me
#food#text#buggie’s rambles#side note: BRUSH YOUR GODDAMN TEETH!!!!!#if you don’t then they’ll ROT and HURT when you eat anything at all#i know this from experience. trust me on this one buds#i spent about 5 years straight not brushing my teeth and now my jaw hurts all the time#also there are MASSIVE holes in my molars#AND my teeth are completely misaligned but i can’t get braces or anything like that bc poor#anyway. moral of the story#brush your teeth AT LEAST once every 2 days#its healthier to brush twice a day (once after you wake up + once before you go to bed)#but i know not all of us have the energy or will to do that. me included#take painkillers when you need to. use mouthwash if your dentist tells you to#take care of your god damn self because the human body is just a buncha trash stuck together#and it breaks down and glitches and fucks up with time#YOU NEED UPKEEP. JUST THE SAME AS ANY OF YOUR BELONGINGS.#thank you for coming to my tag talk#anyway im so smart for this. look ma im a chef#<- did not do any cooking#(but hey its not often that i get food for myself like this. give me some credit)
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At 10 I was exhausted and upset and hating myself (for no reason this time?)
And it's now almost 12, I stopped being tired like an hour and a half ago and feel fantastic, I also have a ton of energy. Except I should probably get some sleep sooner or later considering I have a con tomorrow :/
#idle speaks#this happens all the time and I brought it up to the psychiatrist and she just kinda shrugged it off#i guess it isn't clinically significant considering my “high points” are what I assume a normal person is like when happy#but my low points get bad#and there's not always a reason behind them#like I just lose all motivation for a few days and practically have to be dragged out of bed#there have been several days in the past few months where I would not have gotten out of bed if I wasn't so afraid of being punished#like I nearly missed the bus at least once because I was having a breakdown#i did not feel like I could get out of bed I had no interest in going to school I just wanted to stay where I was#but then I started thinking about how I would get in trouble and getting yelled at by my dad would only make things worse#and I kinda just kept spiraling until I realized “fuck I need to leave in 5 minutes and I CANNOT miss the bus”#so yeah... THAT is clinically significant#THAT is now impeding my avility to function#so who cares if Im not having full blown manic episodes: numbness is my default setting#queenie rambles
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one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW
#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair#also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here#ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true#bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man#and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh#im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life#and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything#and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that#but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know#but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days#dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head#but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level#so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse#and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well.#maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao#anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day#and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep#sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol#.vent#.diaries
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