#yes even if you also have a good reason for your negative emotions | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

heartpascal · 1 year ago

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the sun was collapsing

▹— joel miller x platonic!reader

▹— summary: joel thought you moving to a college halfway across the country would be the worst thing to happen to his family

▹— a/n: first off. yes this is me projecting. second, this is a miller!kid fic HOWEVER. it is not specified whether reader is adopted or biological etc + there is no reference to looks/resemblance! edit upon finishing: this took a slightly different direction than i originally meant but erm. yeah. let me know if y’all want any more of this!

▹— warnings: reference to a suicide attempt / suicidal thoughts and feelings — it’s the last section of the fic, and if you wish to avoid it stop reading at “You knew that you would never get used to the sound of a gun being fired.”, i will also put *** at the start of it (joel’s, but still, be cautious), negative feelings about going to college, miller!reader (adopted/bio unspecified), regretting leaving home, outbreak day, angst!!, brief use of they/them pronouns

▹— taglist: @rhymingtree @sleepygraves @wnstice (everything) @auggiesolovey @just-kaylaa @evyiione @lemonlaides @fariylixie0915 @faceache111 @randomhoex @canpillowscry @pedropascalsrealgf @star-wars-lover @coolchick333 @soobsdior @rvjaa @sunflowersdrop (pedro)

masterlist

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There had been a pit festering in the depths of your chest since the moment you had finished all of your exams. One which, no matter how many reassurances were provided, refused to go away, refused to allow you a moment of peace, of rest.

Strangely, it had only gotten worse the moment you had received your results, since you had received your acceptance letter, since your place at the college of your dreams was confirmed. As if all your hard work finally paying off was a bad thing, something to dread.

At first, you blamed it on the way Sarah had cried and held on to you for the way your chest caved in on itself. It felt reasonable to assume that your little sister could be the reason for such overwhelming trepidation about your impending departure. After all, you had always worried about her, had always looked out for her as best as you could, especially with everything that had happened with her mother.

When that didn’t explain away the uneasiness in your chest cavity, you shifted the blame to your father. Your dad, who you had looked after for what felt like the entirety of your life, who you had looked to in the best and worst times of your life. The very man who did his best to quell his own fear and worry about your move, just to reassure you, to encourage you.

Joel Miller was a self-made man, who raised two kids, a brother, and a business all in one short lifetime. He was a man who had struggled at practically every turn, and if this college was what would make you happy, was what would give you the head start that he had never received, he would welcome it.

You knew, really, that he would be fine. Your dad had raised you just fine, and he could handle your little sister without you, you were sure. For a brief moment, you had blamed that on the sense of foreboding within you; the idea that they didn’t need you. It didn’t take long for you to realise that they did, and that they would be glad to have you from miles away, rather than not at all.

So, you were at a loss.

It should have been an exciting time, something that you were looking forward to, rather than dreading. This was the start of the rest of your life, the reward for all of your hours spent working for the grades you had received, for the anxiety and stress of school. It was supposed to be a good thing. You couldn’t understand why your chest didn’t seem to get that memo.

The feeling persisted the entirety of the time that led up to your move, outlasting each brief flash of any other emotion. It continued the whole roadtrip up to the college, across multiple state borders, despite the multitude of karaoke covers that Sarah initiated.

Even when Joel and Tommy were taking your boxes up to your dorm room, you could feel it. Hell, when Sarah helped you start unpacking said boxes, it continued.

It was only when you were waving the three of them off, tears blurring the shrinking truck, that you realised just what was responsible for the feeling that had been bugging you for months.

You didn’t want to leave home.

Moreover, you didn’t want to grow up. You didn’t want to be alone.

The realisation was almost enough for you to call your dad, to beg him to come back, to pick you up and return you back home. Almost. Instead, you found yourself walking numbly back up to your dorm room, taking more than one wrong turn in the hallways which bled into one, and sitting down on the mattress which wasn’t your own.

For the next week, you breezed by, drifting along your timetable in some kind of half-there state. It was like you couldn’t fully comprehend that you were on your own.

You phoned Sarah on the fifth day, twisting the wire around your fingertip nervously, as if your little sister would ever ignore your calls. She answered on the second ring — unsurprisingly, given that was about how long it always took for her to answer the phone — and she greeted you with the most joyful call of your name you’d heard for a while.

“Sarah,” You responded fondly, tears immediately welling up in your eyes as you listened to her barrage of questions about your first week at college. “Slow down, Sarah, slow down!” You interrupted when her questions became intelligible over the spotty phone line.

“Sorry, sorry,” Sarah said, not sounding sorry at all. “I miss you. I wanna know everything.” She finished, which you already knew she would. Sarah was a lot like you in that way, curious and determined. You knew she was already thinking of what college she wanted to go to, and just how to get there. If she wasn’t swept up by playing soccer, neglecting her studies, that was.

Regardless, you smiled, just glad to hear her voice. “I know, I miss you, too. Is dad home yet?” You asked, unsurprised by her responding no, considering Joel Miller was renowned for his inability to stay on time, his tendency to overwork himself unrelenting. “Okay, well, you’ll tell him everything, right?”

“‘Course I will,” Sarah responded, sounding thrilled to get to relay such interesting information. She’d no doubt be sharing it with Tommy, first thing in the morning, too. “Now tell me!”

“Okay, okay.” You laughed, before telling her as much as you could about what you recalled of your experience so far. Some of it was embellished, of course, mostly for Sarah’s benefit, though also slightly for your father’s. You already knew he’d be worrying himself sick over you.

That phone call was the only time the pit in your chest lessened, the whole time you’d been at college. As if the smallest dose of home was having a real effect. It only made you miss the house back in Texas all the more.

You felt worse afterwards, somehow. As if the call had been a harsh and unneeded reminder of the distance between you and your family. It had barely been over a week by now since you had left home, and you worried that you would never get used to being so far away. How could it possibly get better? How could you ever settle in when the people you love were so far?

The days afterwards were spent mulling over all of your life choices, spending your time soaking in all the regrets you were beginning to have. Why did you work so hard to get into this college? You were miserable. Not to mention all of the experiences you had missed out on in your determination to get here.

Luckily for you, you finally made your first friend.

He had sat next to you in one of your classes, and finally, after three classes of sitting in silence, the two of you had struck up a conversation.

Strangely enough, the two of you bonded over missing home. He was all the way from Nevada, and shared your debilitating homesickness. He talked a lot about his mother, and his older sister, and it was nice to have somebody to share that with.

Things were starting to look up. Life was a lot easier when you had a friend to share it with.

But all the talking about feeling homesick didn’t actually get rid of the feeling. Your heart practically ached each time you went home to your dorm room, where you were alone, where there was no little sister to come and bug you about dinner, or about dad getting home.

You called again, on the three week mark.

Much to your annoyance and happiness, your uncle Tommy answered the phone.

“Hey, uncle Tommy. How’re you doing?” You asked, the smile obvious in your voice. Even to your ears, it was the happiest you’d sounded since speaking to Sarah, a little over two weeks prior.

“Well, if it ain’t our little ol’ Nerd Miller.” Tommy greeted over the phone, that familiar teasing tone making you roll your eyes. “I’m doin’ mighty fine, kiddo. How’re you gettin’ on?” He asked, tone taking on a more soft note, which had your chest aching all over again.

Still, you shook your head and tried your best to seem as happy as possible, for his sake. “Oh, you know, just learning the ways of the world, n’ all. Where’s dad?” You questioned, not wanting to be rude, but also desperate to speak to the man who had raised you, and who had also missed your calls since you’d been gone.

“He’s out buyin’ some last minute supplies for tomorrow’s job. Keeping himself busy, I’d say.” Tommy replied, before you heard him calling out Sarah’s name, away from the phone. “Hang on, now, Sarah wants to speak to you.”

You wait, listening to the shuffling of the phone switching hands from across the country, endeared by your sister scolding your uncle for taking so long to tell her it was you. They argued for a moment longer, their joking tones familiar, but sounding vaguely different from across the phone line.

Finally, Sarah greeted you. “Hey, little sister! How are you getting on, over there? Tommy causing you trouble?” You asked in return, hearing him yell, some distance away, straining to be heard across the phone. It sent you and Sarah into giggles, and she had to take a breath before she could respond.

“As always. So, have you been to any parties, yet?” She asked, always insisting that you were the Miller child who caused the most trouble. You vaguely heard Tommy yell out a ‘sure hope not’ over the phone. Sarah shushed him, eagerly awaiting your answer.

“No, Sarah, no partying for me! I’ve gotta work hard, make this whole trip worth it.” You said, and though your tone was teasing, your words were feeling more true by the second. You had seen plenty of fliers advertising parties all across campus, even been handed a few as you exited classrooms, but you were uninterested. Your new friend had suggested you go to one, just yesterday evening, but you had declined. You were pretty sure that underaged drinking wasn’t the right way to cure your homesickness.

“You’re so boring. Dad’ll be thrilled.” Sarah laughed, the sound crackling over the line, and you smiled. There was no doubt in your mind that Joel would be relieved about your lacking party life, as much as he said he encouraged you getting out and living. Hell, the whole reason he hadn’t called you was so that you didn’t feel suffocated by him, so that you could live your life without feeling pressure from your old man. “Made any new friends?”

You hesitated, for some reason. “Uh, yeah! There’s this guy in my—”

“A guy?” Sarah interrupted, immediately. And there it was! The very reason for your hesitation. You heard a struggle over the phone, and Sarah was sounding more amused as time passed. “What’s his name? Are you dating?”

“Okay, enough of that!” Tommy said, and there was more shuffling as he presumably snatched the phone off of Sarah. You could hear her complaining through breaks in her laughter, but Tommy was refusing to hand back the phone. “Your old man does not need this one passin’ along details of your dating life, kiddo.”

You smiled, rolling your eyes. “There is no dating life, uncle Tommy. He’s just my friend.” You responded, though your uncle sounded unconvinced. “Anyway, enough about him. About dad’s birthday, next week—”

It was Tommy who cut you off this time, shifting the phone in his hand. “Woah! Don’t you go worrying about that, now. Me and Sarah have got it covered, don’t we, kiddo?” You heard Sarah yelling agreements, though you doubted she even knew what you were talking about.

“Actually, I was thinking about coming home for it. Surprising dad, you know.” You admitted, mostly in hopes that your uncle would help you plot the journey. And he was slightly better at keeping secrets than Sarah was.

“Oh, you just worry about yourself, up there. We’ll look after your old man! You gotta get out there, live your life!” Tommy responded, dismissing your idea immediately, even though he knew his older brother would have secretly loved the surprise. But it had only been a few weeks since you’d left, and if Tommy was honest, he wasn’t sure you’d go back if you came home so soon.

You frowned at his response, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “You mean to tell me that you and Sarah are gonna manage the birthday breakfast, presents and cake? No way dad’ll remember any of it!” You said. For the longest time, you had been the one taking care of that sort of thing. Joel was always much too busy taking care of you and Sarah as well as overworking himself at his day job to sort out his own birthday celebrations.

Sure, Sarah was old enough by now to do this sort of thing, but it was something that you did. Since you were— what? Eleven? You had been the one to do it. Each year, you made Joel’s birthday cake, and either bought his presents or sent Tommy and Sarah out for them. Would they manage it without you? Did you even want them to?

It was the one day of the year where nothing else came first. Not schoolwork, homework, studying, work, not anything. You always made sure that this day was free, no exceptions. What would you do with it now?

“I think we can manage, right, Sarah?” Tommy said, teasingly, clearly not quite realising the significance of the day for you. Joel was your dad, in all the ways that mattered. He did everything for you! Hell, he even moved you halfway across the country, just because you thought it was what you wanted. This was the one day of the year where you got to return that. Where you got to show just how thankful you are for him, even if he did annoy the hell out of you whenever the chance arose. His birthday was the one day where you could get away with buying him gifts, and Tommy wanted you to… what? Stay this far? Be uninvolved?

“Tommy, I—… I always help with dad’s birthday. That doesn’t need to change now.” You murmured into the phone, suddenly feeling left out. It wasn’t a feeling you enjoyed whatsoever, and especially when it involved such an important day.

Tommy tutted, the sound just about crackling through the receiver, and you could picture him shaking his head, all the way back in Texas. “You gotta live your own life now, kid. Can’t be worryin’ about us little people back here. It’s high time you started puttin’ yourself first. Don’t worry about Joel’s birthday,” Tommy said, softer then, less mocking. “Me and Sarah’ve got it, alright?”

With a frown, you responded. “Alright.”

“Alrighty, now we better get goin’, your dad’ll have a fit if I make Sarah late again.” Tommy told you, and you nodded, before cringing and realising he couldn’t see that.

The three of you said your goodbyes, with Tommy putting the phone down soon after, cutting off his yells to Sarah about getting her shoes on. In the silence that followed after, you couldn’t help but feel more upset than before the call. Logically, you knew your family missed you. You knew that they couldn’t wait for you to be home at Thanksgiving, and you knew that they looked forward to your phone calls home just as much as you did. But it was hard. Brief phone calls with them just weren’t enough, and just showed that life was going on for them as normal, whilst you felt stuck.

You also knew that they were trying to give you your independence, that they were trying to let you live your life. Especially Joel. But you were finding, more and more, that you didn’t want this much independence. You wanted your dad to be overbearing and overly interested in your life, because he just wanted to be involved. You wanted your uncle to drive you to and from school, to sneak you a bottle of beer at family barbecues. You wanted to walk your little sister around town, because she was too nervous to go herself.

Everybody you had known back home had always told you that you’d be just fine at college. They had always told you that you were independent enough as it was, that you were practically an adult already, and that it’d be almost no different to home. For whatever reason, you felt guilty to think that they were wrong about you. You needed your family. You couldn’t do everything on your own, it was too much. It was too hard. It was too… lonely.

Where was your support system? Where were the three overbearing family members that would crowd you when you were upset, until you finally felt better? Who would you turn to when you needed a lift all the way across town? Who would you persuade to watch shitty DVDs from the Adler’s with you? Who would save Sarah from the Adler’s clutches?

As awful as you felt about it, you couldn’t help but want your family to feel as incapable without you as you did without them. You didn’t want them to manage without you. You wanted them to tell you to come home.

Part of you was just hoping that they weren’t doing it because they knew you were looking for the excuse to come home. Because they knew that if they asked, you’d come. Without question. Without even a moment of hesitation.

Your phone rang again, and you jumped up to answer it, hoping your dad was finally home, finally ringing you back. “Hello?”

“Hey!” Your newest and only friend greeted, the sound of a party muffling his voice. You sighed, hand over the end of the phone in hopes he wouldn’t hear it and misread your disappointment. “You sure you don’t wanna come to this thing? It’s a lot of fun!”

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It was the morning of your dad’s birthday, and you had barely slept a wink, despite having a class relatively early this very morning. It had been a night full of tossing and turning, full of regrets and ideas about going home at 2AM. In the end, your exhaustion let you sleep when it was nearing 6AM, and your alarm woke you up not long later.

You’d barely managed to refrain from micro-managing Sarah and Tommy, all the way from across the country. Instead, you’d let yourself believe that they’d be able to remember everything, despite your anxiety telling you otherwise. You felt awful enough about not being there for Joel’s birthday, the last thing you needed was to feel guilty about him not getting a good birthday, too.

Not that you thought that Sarah or Tommy would allow that, of course. But Tommy was almost as forgetful as Joel was, and it wasn’t like Sarah could borrow Tommy’s truck like you had, last year. She wasn’t even old enough to drive yet! Surely it wasn’t unreasonable for you to worry, right?

You held off from calling home until it was nearing the time they would be leaving for school and work respectively, in hopes of not making the three of them late. You knew that you’d have to leave for your own class soon enough, but it felt wrong to start the day without speaking to your dad. Hell, your sad breakfast of toast had already started the day off on a pretty low note.

The phone rang for an uncomfortably long time, and you were reaching out to hang up when somebody finally answered. No greeting came immediately, just shuffling over the line, alongside some distant yelling. Finally, Tommy said, “Hello?”

“Hey, uncle Tommy. Everything alright over there?” You asked, brows creased as you listened to the commotion going on within the house, audible even over the crackly phone line. It seemed that the day was not starting off as smoothly as it usually did, no doubt due to your own dad and his persistent snoozing of his alarm.

Tommy yelled something away from the phone before finally responding to your question. “All good on our front, kiddo. How’re you doin’?” He asked, though you didn’t miss how distracted he sounded as he asked.

“Um, fine, I guess. Is dad there?”

“Huh? Oh, hang on.” Tommy replied, before you heard the clunk of him placing the phone down on the wooden table it sat on. There were some crackles that you think were his boots against the floor as he walked away, and you distantly heard him yelling for your dad. “Joel, your kid is on the phone!”

It’s awkward — the waiting, that is. The second hand on your watch ticking away until the minute hand moves, and still, there’s only faint rustling on the other end of the phone. Finally, after almost three full minutes, somebody picks up the phone.

Sarah said your name cheerfully, and you smiled tightly, despite yourself. “Hey, Sarah. How’s it been, sorting dad’s birthday?”

“Oh, not so bad. Made him eggs this morning, because he forgot the pancake mix yesterday. And he’s picking up the cake later! But don’t worry! I’ve got his present sorted.” She rambled, barely pausing to take a breath between sentences. You can imagine that she’d been stressed, trying to sort everything. It’s not as easy when you’re young, and you know that from experience.

“I don’t doubt you for a second. Where is dad?” You replied, eyebrows creased as you waited for her response.

“He’s running late, as always.” Sarah answered, and you could picture her rolling her eyes. She was punctual by nature, and definitely didn’t get that from Joel. He was always too late.

“I’m here, I’m here.” You heard faintly, the words muffled across the line. “You, go get in the truck. We’re late! Hey, kiddo.” Joel said, talking to Sarah before finally addressing you on the phone.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry to cut this short, but we really are running late. I’ll call you once I’m home, alright?” Joel told you, sounding apologetic and frustrated. He probably missed you — and your annual birthday breakfast — just as much as you missed him.

“Okay. Happy birthday, dad.” You responded, feeling increasingly down. You should’ve never listened to Tommy. Joel’s birthday would no doubt be a disaster without you. And you already knew he was going to forget to pick up his birthday cake before returning home from work. It was the whole reason you always baked him one before he got home.

“Thanks, kiddo.” Joel said, a faint smile audible in his voice. He hung up a moment later, already shouting to Tommy and Sarah before the call was cut off. You frowned at the phone in your hand, your eyebrows furrowed as you thought of your family back home. Moving away truly wasn’t a good idea, was it?

That was what your thoughts were stuck on, for the rest of the day. Even as you proceeded to go to classes and see your few friends as normal, you couldn’t help but feel that pit in your chest getting worse, like you really were making a mistake. It was suffocating, and it felt never ending.

When you finally got back to your dorm room — much to your friend’s dismay, after having left them in the library to do an essay alone — you waited by the phone for your dad to call you back.

But when the phone finally did ring, it wasn’t your dad on the other end. Sarah greeted you the moment you answered, sounding relatively tired. She started telling you about her day, and about how Joel still wasn’t home, despite it nearing the late evening. She also told you about having to go to the Adler’s house, and helping Mrs. Adler bake disgusting cookies, followed by how creepy her mother was. Sarah had always found the old woman to be creepy, with her motionless state and blank expression, but in her words, the old woman seemed even more creepy than usual.

You rejoiced with her when she told you the title of the shitty DVD she’d borrowed from their extensive collection, though. It was one of your favourite things about your dad’s birthday traditions, even though the movie was almost always awful.

The call didn’t last long, because Sarah wanted to get her homework done before the weekend started, so you let her go, and sat in your quiet dorm room, once more. It was lonely, more than anything, and even though you often just sat alone in your bedroom at home, it was different. There was no option of going downstairs to see your dad, or crossing the hall to see your sister.

Eventually, you fell asleep, the dim lighting of your room alongside your poor night of sleep prior meaning that you couldn’t wait for Joel to call any longer.

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The first thing you think when you wake up to a world of chaos, is that you never got to speak to your dad last night.

Even as the world rages on around you, people going insane, reports of an outbreak, shots fired on the streets, you can only think of your family, who feel as if they’re half the world away. How are you going to get to them? Are they okay? Are they alive? What was the last thing you said to them? Did you tell them you love them?

It’s a quick downward spiral, one which you’re only pulled out of when your friend appears in your vision, gripping your arm with relief that is practically palpable in the air around you. He’s covered in sweat and dirt, and you think there’s blood staining his sleeve. Still, it’s a relief to see him, to see a familiar face as the sky turns dark and chaos rages on.

He’s pulling you down the street in the next moment, past the site of a car wreck, with three, four— five cars practically piled on top of one another, one of which is already ablaze. There’s glass and blood and bodies everywhere you look, and it’s a feat that you don’t throw up.

“Robbie, what’s happening? Do you know what’s happening?” You asked desperately, straining to be heard over the sound of people screaming and crying around you.

“I—I don’t know. We need to get out of here, it’s… it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.” Robbie answered, his voice shaking even more than it had when he’d been talking of home, missing his family. You imagine he missed them far more in this moment, just like you did. He didn’t look back at you, but he did lower his hand to your own, rather than gripping your wrist. You squeezed his fingers, breathing through the growing pit in your chest, through the weight settling in your throat.

You’re not sure how long the two of you walk, but by the time you paused, the sun was rising. Half of you is convinced that you’re in some kind of delusional state, delirious enough from your lack of sleep that this is some sort of illusion that your brain is creating. The other half of you, however, knows better. It’s the part of you that keeps that pit in your chest empty, that keeps it all consuming. It’s the part that knows something is very, very wrong.

You kept wondering how this happened. How did the world turn to chaos in a matter of days? Hours? Sure, you’d caught glimpses of news reports following what doctors believed to be some kind of virus outbreak, but that didn’t prepare you for this. It hadn’t seemed so serious yesterday.

Between lapses of silence on your trek with Robbie, he’d told you everything he knew. He told you about how he tried to call his family, about how all the phone lines were down. He told you about his roommate, who had tried to attack him the moment he exited his room. It was only thanks to a few passersby that Robbie had been able to barricade his roommate in their shared dorm.

It was a mass outbreak, it seemed, and clearly, the government had no idea how to handle it. The entirety of the state was in disarray, and there had been orders to shoot civilians on sight. Both of you were terrified of coming across anybody, whether they were Infected or just hostile, neither of you wanted to die. All you wanted was to see your family again.

You knew you never should have come to this college.

Neither you nor Robbie had brought it up, but there was an unspoken question about where you were going to go. Where could possibly be safe? How were you going to get to your families? The two of you lived in opposite directions, so what were you going to do? Split up and try to get back to your home states alone? There was no way to even tell what you were going to find, if you even made it that far. Would your family be there? Would they have left? What if they tried to come to you? What if they were already gone?

There was no way to communicate with either of your families, and the uncertainty was wearing you both down. What if you got to them, and you infected them, somehow? How did you even know if you were Infected? Was there warning signs before you turned violent?

You didn’t know what to do, and it was making you even more anxious. You wanted, more than anything in the world, to be with your dad. A part of you just knew that Joel Miller would know exactly what to do. He would know how to keep you safe. It was the only thing that was giving you any semblance of comfort, the knowing that Joel would look after himself, Tommy and Sarah. All you had to do was find him, and everything would be okay. It had to be.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

It was nearing a month since Outbreak Day, as so many had taken to calling it, and everything still felt surreal. You and Robbie had stayed together, and had come across a group of three others who had some supplies. One of them, Benny, was an ex-military man, and coincidentally, he had known your uncle, back in the day. It seemed like too much of a sore subject to ask how, so you refrained. You hoped, however, that if you could manage to find somebody who knew your uncle in the midst of an apocalypse, you’d be able to find him. And with him, would, of course, be your dad and sister. They would have stuck together, you were certain.

Regardless, Benny was keeping you safe. You felt far more comfortable with him than you did the others with him, given he knew your family. There was something reassuring about it.

The five of you were travelling together, avoiding populated areas and sticking to forests and fields to travel when you could. It seemed to be the best way to avoid those who were infected, as many of them were clustered in cities and neighbourhoods. There was more than one time, though, that you came across camps which had been ravaged by the infection. Benny had shot someone on one of these occasions, when she had broke from the tree line and approached you at a run, sobbing through breaths.

You had been terrified at the time — horrified, really, but when you got closer, passing her body, you saw the infection crawling up veins, sprouting from her skin. You weren’t sure if you’d ever get used to the sound of gunfire.

All the work you had put in to get into that stupid college seemed trivial, now. If you thought too long about it, you were almost certain that you would go insane. It didn’t matter how much you regretted all of your past decisions, it would never change where you were. It would never change the fact that you had no idea if your family were okay.

There was no doubt in your mind that you would’ve never survived if it hadn’t have been for Benny. He was strict with you, stopping you from eating anything that could’ve infected you, because he was certain that the mass outbreak must involve some kind of infection in the food supply. He kept you alert at all times, and refused to let you lag behind the rest of them. He kept you alive.

That fact became all the more clear when you when he woke you up, a hand pressed over your mouth. Instinctively, you had panicked, eyes wide and your limbs flailing until you realised who it was, and when he pressed a finger to his lips, you had nodded. You trusted Benny, for whatever reason, he seemed to care about keeping you safe. But Benny had a certain look in his eye that you didn’t like, the furrow of his brow had seemed deeper than usual.

When he pointed towards Robbie, you could see why.

He laid on top of a blanket you had found, his head turned towards you, eyes closed as if he was asleep. But his fingers were twitching, and there was a sheen of sweat across his brow. His skin looked dull, and when you squinted at him, you barely stopped the gasp from escaping your throat. Instead, it had gotten stuck, and you couldn’t breathe as you stared at the Infection raised upon Robbie’s veins.

You had looked towards Benny, and he shook his head. You knew what that meant.

The four of you tried to leave in silence, but Robbie had woken up anyway. He squinted over at you, calling your name in a slurred voice, and his eyes had looked all wrong. Against your better judgement, you turned back towards him, Benny’s hand on your shoulder. “Where’re you goin’?” Robbie slurred out, his voice failing halfway through his words, and he had stumbled to his feet. You had taken a step back at his approach, and he noticed. He looked down at his hands, brows furrowed, eyes taking in the way his fingers had twitched, and he shook his head. “No. No, no, no, no, no!” He had yelled, stumbling around before he had turned back to the four of you. “This ca—can’t be happening.”

“Robbie, I’m—I’m sorry.” You had answered, voice cracking over the words, as you stared at the boy who would never make it home to his family. You had wondered if you would meet the same fate.

“C’mon, kid,” Benny murmured, eyes stony as he had stared at Robbie, his shoulders tense and his hand had hovered over the gun at his hip. “We need to go.” He had said, hand firm at your shoulder as he turned you away from the first friend you had made at the college you’d dreamed of. How had this dream turn into such a nightmare? “Robbie… don’t make me do it. We need to go our separate ways.” Benny had yelled at Robbie, when he had tried to approach the moment your back was turned.

“I’m not infected!” Robbie shouted back, though his twitching limbs and the way he seemed to lack control of his body said otherwise. His eyes were bloodshot, red around the edges, and you had known what was going to happen next. It didn’t make it any easier.

You didn’t look back after the shot went off, after there was a distinctive thud behind you. You knew that you would never get used to the sound of a gun being fired.

∘₊✧───── ─────*───── ─────✧₊∘

***

Joel Miller tried to kill himself.

He doesn’t know how to respond to the fact that he failed. If he’s honest, he doesn’t really know how to respond to anything. He’s not even sure that anything that’s going on is real. How can it be? How can there be zombies in the world? How can his daughter be dead? How can he have no way of knowing if you’re alive?

It’s all been blurry, after Sarah. Joel spends more than a minute thinking about the fact that there’s an after her. She was meant to outlive him — you both were. And here he is, very much alive, while his daughter is dead, and you may be, too.

The world is turning around him and Joel just can’t get his bearings, can’t get past the pain at his temple, the sound of gunshots. How could he live through a bullet to the skull, when his daughter is dead? How could his daughter be dead?

He’s vaguely aware of Tommy at his side. Joel is vaguely aware of everything, really. He can hear all of the screaming, the crying, the questions, but he isn’t really listening. He isn’t really listening to Tommy begging him for something or other, either. And if he had any capacity to feel anything, Joel thinks he might feel bad for ignoring his younger brother, the man who had relied on Joel his whole life, but he just can’t.

All Joel can do is close his eyes, and watch his daughter die in his arms all over again.

All he can do is hear the sound of the severed phone line upon trying to call you. All he can do is think about how scared you must have been, alone in an unfamiliar state, with no way to get home. All Joel can do is revel in all the ways he failed his children.

What does Tommy expect from him? How could Joel possibly go on when he has just lost the most important people in his life? The only people who mattered? Of course, Joel loves his little brother, and he would do almost anything for him, but this? This is asking too much of him. Expecting him to live when his daughter is… when you could be… It’s all too much.

“Joel,” Tommy says, his voice quiet in the raging chaos behind the curtain around them, and he stares at his older brother as if he’s a stranger. The bandage across his head makes him look weird, and the despondent look in his eyes is one that Tommy doesn’t recognise. “Joel.” He says more urgently, grasping onto his brother’s shoulders, seemingly trying to shake him back to reality. “We have to keep going.”

But Tommy’s urgency means nothing to Joel, who can barely see his brother with the way his eyesight is blurring.

Tommy continues nonetheless, grasping Joel’s shoulders more roughly, unable to rid the image of Joel pulling the trigger from his mind. This was his older brother, the man who had almost raised him, who had protected him at every turn. To see that man so… hopeless, so done with the world, it was jarring, even more so than the apocalypse.

“You can’t give up on me, Joel, we gotta go find them.” Tommy says, getting louder and more desperate as the time passes and Joel continues to look dazed and far away. This seems to catch his attention the slightest bit, and when Tommy says your name, Joel’s eyes clear up slightly. “They need us, okay? They need you.”

It might be true, Joel considers. But he’s not sure what he would do if they found you anything other than healthy and well. If you’re dead, too, then that cements Joel’s failure, ensures his passage to join you.

“Okay,” Joel murmurs instead of voicing anything else, realising through the muddle of his thoughts that if you were alive, he needed to find you. “Alright, Tommy, I’m… I’m here.”

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bethanydelleman · 1 year ago

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Writing Villains (Advice from Jane Austen)

One of the reasons that I find Jane Austen's novels so wonderful is that they have amazingly realistic villains, some that are fully fleshed out characters. Austen's biggest strength is that she gives her villains clear, logical motives. In fact, for many of her villainous characters you can turn the entire story around and see a rational story from the other side.

For example, Lucy Steele. She doesn't attack Elinor out of mindless evil, but because Edward Ferrars is her golden ticket to wealth and she knows that Edward loves Elinor. Lucy might twist the knife a little on Elinor out of sadism, but generally she attacks Elinor in an attempt to secure Edward. When it comes to other characters, Lucy is overly sweet if she wants something from them, otherwise she acts normally. As an example, she leaves Marianne alone because Marianne is not competing for Edward and also can't do anything for Lucy. Anne, Lucy's sister, likes her. Lucy has friends and family she stays with, she's a fairly well-rounded person.

You can put yourself in Lucy's shoes, you can turn the entire narrative on it's head and play it out from her perspective and it would make complete sense. You could even make Lucy sympathetic! She probably sees herself as a hardworking underdog, trying to wrest her one chance at prosperity away from the conniving Elinor Dashwood. I'm sure she thinks the pain she causes Elinor is justified.

If you can't do that with your villains, then there is a good chance they are just evil for evil's sake. I picked Lucy Steele on purpose because I hate when the entire motivation for a antagonist female character is "bitches be crazy". Bitches may be mean, but almost always for a good reason.

Even Mrs. Norris, who is probably the most cruel of Austen's female villains, can be perspective switched. Her life is about being useful to the Bertram family so she can feel important because her married status/wealth is lower than she wished. As she must always be deferential towards the Bertrams, she takes out her negative emotions on those below her, the servants and Fanny, while also showing off how good she is at "managing" those people. (And yes, she is your childhood bully)

We often hear her perspective and she clearly sees herself as a useful part of the family and a defender of Sir Thomas's wealth. She thinks she's a good person! Which is also an important point: most people doing wrong do not believe that they are doing wrong. That is what really makes a villain scary. Mrs. Norris thinks she's helping Fanny in a very twisted way by teaching Fanny her station in life. If you asked her, she'd give you a self-justified answer and she'd probably actually believe it.

Another way to do a good villain is to just make a person very selfish. Henry Crawford doesn't sit around all day laughing about how much pain he causes women, he doesn't think about it. He only thinks about the fun of flirting for himself, not the harm to others. The glimpses we get into his perspective are not cruel at all. It's the same with Willougby, he thinks only of his own pleasure and tries very hard to ignore that he has crushed Marianne and destroyed Eliza Williams. When he is forced to accept that people were hurt, he blames everyone but himself.

Wickham thinks that he's a victim, Caroline Bingley is ambitious and doesn't care who she steps on to get to the top, Mr. Elton is insulted that Emma could even dream he's a match with Harriet but he can't touch Emma so he punches down at Harriet. They all make sense, they all probably believe that their actions are justified.

Also, imagine taking the heroine/hero right out of the story, would the villain still act the same way? If Anne didn't exist, Mr. Elliot would still try to bring himself into the Elliot family because he was afraid of losing the title. If Elizabeth didn't exist, Wickham would have had another favourite in Meryton. If Fanny didn't exist, Mrs. Norris would have found some other puppy to kick. The villains don't just appear for the plot of the main characters, they have their own reasons for moving around and messing shit up.

Lastly, explaining but not excusing (though unfortunately some people will excuse anyway but that's not your fault). Mary Crawford is mercenary and doesn't seem to believe that love is even a real thing. It's pointed out several times in the novel that her defects have to do with being raised in an immoral environment and a broken home. She was taught by her aunt to marry for wealth and disregard love. Austen doesn't excuse Mary, she doesn't give her a happy ending, but she does explain how she came to be. She's not just greedy, she has been taught that wealth is the best recipe for happiness. As an adult now, it is her responsibility to question that maxim or remain a villain.

Austen wrote amazing morally grey characters and "villains" (a term I used a little liberally here, some of them probably only count as antagonists, not full blown villains). I love how real and human she made her characters, it's something I aspire to myself!

Linking my Caroline rant because it's related, people remove her motives so often and flatten her into a "bitches be crazy".

#jane austen #villains #avoiding “bitches be crazy”#Lucy steele #mrs. norris #mansfield park #sense and sensibility #henry crawford #mary crawford

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lolokouhm · 1 year ago

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Geto Suguru is usually a good wingman, but when it comes to you, it appears there's an exception.

Geto may not be the honoured one, but he's always had a honour of his own. He knows himself well. He can carry himself with dignity. He rarely gets angry or annoyed, because every negative emotion can be dealt with. Just like that, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, his honour, dignity and sense of self is being put under some sort of a trial that he definitely did not sign up for - or at least has no memory of doing so. Has he come to this party willingly? Yes. Has he been drinking tonight? Yup. Has Gojo told him that you'd be there? He might have, yeah. Well, wait, no. Scratch that. He knew you'd be there even without Satoru's help. Otherwise, well - he probably wouldn't come.

But there he is, a wingman to his best friend, who's - applause, everyone - drunk flirting with you like there's no tomorrow. With you of all people. Gojo's been making you laugh like crazy for the past ten minutes, and there's only one word on Suguru's mind.

Shit.

He should have known. He should have noticed. Satoru Gojo has been his best friend since high school, and they've had their own fair share of girls they've been attracted to - one way or another. Their type was somehow completely different, but apparently this time something went wrong. Maybe the moon, the stars and the whole fucking galaxy got rearranged tonight and that is the reason why Gojo cannot stay away from you - the girl Geto's been pining on for the past few weeks.

He could always choose someone else - there are some pretty girls here, no doubt about that. They even seem nice. But that's the problem. They are nice. You aren't nice.

You are a walking chaos, a catastrophe on a pair of very pretty legs, always loud and incredibly judgy, but smart and witty at the same time. Geto really likes talking to you - it's like you shine even brighter when you open your mouth, which is not something that he's used to. Well, the thought of you opening your mouth for not-so-conversational purposes also crossed his mind a few times, he couldn't deny it, but tried his best not to focus on that aspect.

That's how Suguru finds himself in the kitchen, looking for another beer to pop open and drown his frustrations in, when suddenly a certain someone gets inside as well. The two of you start talking and somehow, suddenly, you confess.

Just like that. Eyes wide open, cheeks blushing, you suddenly start saying things. Things he wouldn't expect you to say, by no means, especially after you seemed so happy talking to his best friend. And normally he'd think a little bit more before acting, but he is irritated, he's drunk and he's awfully in love, so this time he doesn't.

What he does though, is way better than the things he doesn't do. Especially after you take him right to your room. He's the good type. The best. Asking, waiting, taking care of every part of your body, ignoring the urging needs that you've inflicted on him with your bare existence. You're always first. Always taken care of.

He's way too good with his fingers. He's way too good with his tongue. He's way too good, thrusting into you, quiet moans leaving his lips when you shiver and clench around him. Maybe he's a shitty friend, but just tonight.

Just this once.

masterlist ❤️

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aestheteangel · 7 months ago

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Synastry aspects that I personally don’t like.

before i start please read that I am not an official astrologer so take this with a grain of saltttt too haha. Just for fun.

North node square north node ( I’m sorry but each one lives in a whole different worlds, completely different perspectives, mindset, somehow not letting each other move to the next step)

Chiron in 7th house overlay. ( now Chiron isn’t always bad, but there’s kind of.. pain it gives , it’s not any better in other houses, but I’m saying romantically, there could be hurt during the marriage... if you want Chiron overlays in synastry please lmk)

Pluto/Uranus in 12th house overlay. ( now Mose of y’all know 12th house overlays arent so good eventually, but i think Pluto or Uranus being there could be harsher than any other planet , could indicate so many things, one of them unpleasant endings in the relationship, finding truth about something suddenly, betrayal..in worst cases you won’t be able to forget each other )

Saturn 8th house overlay. (Sure y’all know why..)

Mars conjuct Mc/10th house. ( uhhhh it just don’t give me nice vibes when both are seen in public eye. Could be arguing in public a lot, the mars person makes it hard for the 10th person to forgive them. Works even in composite chart )

Mercury square Saturn. ( a lot of judgements and misunderstandings)

Chiron opposite asc/Venus.

Saturn opposite Neptune. (Broo)

Moon opposite moon. (Now tbh Im not really sure of this one since nobody complained about it and it could indicate “slight” emotional understanding difficulties with each other that can also cause attraction. But I’ve seen this aspect with some couple that really can’t stop hurting eachothers emotionally . )

Another moon aspect, ofc moon is the first thing you should observe In synastry s, it simply represents how each other’s emotions play with the other. now moon square moon. Obviously most of y’all know why, literally each one is on different page when it comes to how they view emotions which makes it pretty hard to understand each other’s feelings with the square aspect. ( believe it or no I have this one with my man, even knowing it I’m still with him lol. yes the attraction is definitely there due to other loving aspects and also with this one, it gives attractive energy yes. but still, he don’t understand my emotions and my point of view, struggles with analyzing me sometimes or what I even think , even when I try my best to throw him an obvious sign about something, without me speaking, he don’t get it where everyone else does same goes for me 🤣😭. he sometimes thinks I mean something the opposite of what I meant. Bottom line is with this aspect you need to speak each other’s feelings and what you want to tell the other cause it’s way too impossible to understand eachother with no words spoken. 😓 AAAA THIS IS THE ONLY STRUGGLING PLACEMENT WE HAVE AND ITS NOT EVEN A SIMPLE ONE)

Mars in 5th house, ( Now this is NOT a red flag, bUTTTT i always read about this placement represents a “not lasting relationship “ and tbh every fling I had I had this placement with, literallyyyy very guy I used to dm or talk to even for a couple of days, attraction at first but then boom, you din yourself not talking to them anymore for god knows what reason lol, so there’s something interesting about this placement. 🤔🤣 ( pink for flings 🤣)

Mars 1st house.... ( uhh you know what? Wait for part 2 😛 )

But before part 2 I’ll make my next post positive I promise, I didn’t even want to write red flags placements because it shouldnt be taken seriously haha. So next post will be about .. hmm wait , what you guys want it to be about?

Synastry observations

Natal chart observations

composite observations

Solar return observations

— Y’all literally if u find one of these placements in your synastrys it’s totally okay lol, I have multiple of these w my man and tbh some of them don’t really play this negative way for us, but i just did them for fun , ofc don’t take these TOO seriously 🥰

#astro community #astro observations #astro placements #astrology placements #astrology tumblr #obsessed synastry #asteroids in synastry #d9 chart #elegant #expensive #astro notes #astrology #red flags

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vividachromatic · 9 months ago

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Meant To Stay The Worst

Pt. 1

Alastor x Reader

(friendship, slowbuild romance)

Pt. 2 ->

Note: This is gonna be a series. Reader and Alastor will be friends and fall in love and marry and meet each other again in hell and rule there as overlords...

Sounds nice and simple. And although all that is true, there will be a lot of emotional drama still. First, because of Alastor's trust issues, but also because they don't have a 'lovey-dovey' nice relationship. There will be fluff, and they'll love each other, yes. But the concept of their relationship is basically supporting each other in making each other worse. Like, they're in hell for a reason and want to stay there... They do morally corrupt things and even when they don't agree with each other they support each other.

I don't think this is dark enough to be considered a dark fic at all, it's more canon typically dark. But just to say this isn't meant to portray a healthy relationship or morals.

Warnings: Fem!Reader, use of Y/N (kill me for it) , Alastor AND reader are on the ace spectrum but don't know , alcohol use, idk tell me if there's smth else

---

There was cake and tea, lovely flowers and lovely dresses. If you'd have been alone this may have been relaxing. But every time you tried to let your mind drift off to something nice - like a scenario of a book you read, the obnoxious voice of your cousin snapped you back to reality.

"Then he told me our offspring would be genetically superior!" She giggled.

"How romantic." You sighed in boredom and tried focusing on something else. Being forced to drink tea with your lovely cousin who tormented you ever since childhood, just so she could please her own sadistic desires was something you had to do as a representing lady of your house.

God being a woman in the 1930s was exhausting.

Your cousin Maria rolled her eyes at you. "Does it make you happy to be so negative all the time? You know you're gonna die alone if you don't fix this attitude of yours, right? You act like you're better than me, but at least men like me." She gave you a smug grin.

"Yeah, congratulations. I'm actually not really interested in the constant humiliation of being treated like a lesser human being, nor the year-long physical abuse I'd have to endure until I'd finally finish slowly poisoning my husband's tea."

Maria narrowed her eyes at your audacity to speak your opinion. Then she cleared her throat and smirked at you again - this was the look she always had as a child when she was about to torture you. "Speaking of which... I actually have someone you may be interested in meeting this time."

You just stared at her blankly without a response. You were forced to go on dates with different men all the time.

You were 21 and still not married, which was just a scandal for your family. But, you always managed to successfully scare these men away on your dates. Because you're a woman, your opinion of whether or not they'd be a good spouse obviously didn't matter, so you had to think of creative ways to make them not want to choose you.

After noticing your lack of response to her statement, Maria simply continued, "See there is this radio broadcast I've been listening to and this broadcaster... he just had such a hot voice! And he talked about some stuff... I don't know what, I didn't really listen, but he seemed proper, so I asked my dad to use his power to arrange a date for me! But, when I researched him further... I think he's a little poor actually, he wore this fake brand... also he doesn't really look like how I expected him to look, so... since you're all for this equality stuff I thought it'd be perfect. My dad is mad at me since he already paid for the date, so you're perfect!" She finished, giving you a fake smile.

"Hmm... this actually sounds like your problem, not mine." You gave her a fake smile back.

The girl just gave you an angry look and finished drinking her tea in silence.

Oh, you were so sure she was going to try to find a way to punish you for this.

And right you were. Your dad informed you the same day that you were going to go on that date. And you should definitely look out to not fuck this one up again.

Your father even acted like he cared about you for a second, explaining how this is what you must do in this world. Even if it's not perfect. You just went to your room in silence, trying not to cry in front of him.

This world was cruel. Your brother followed society's expectations and was fine. Your cousin followed society's expectations and was fine. You didn't and were unhappy. So was this truly the answer?

The next day you made yourself ready - skipping breakfast.

You'd just scare off this man like the others. Maybe you'd have to marry someone mediocre one day. Or maybe you were gonna run away someday. You weren't sure yet.

Arriving at the restaurant you recognized the cheesy interior suiting the style of your cousin and her father immediately.

The polite waiter recognized your face and showed you your table.

This supposed date of yours already sat there. When he saw you walking towards him, he immediately stood up and politely extended his hand to you. You took it and he planted a short kiss on your knuckles. The waiter handed you the menus and excused himself.

The man had a polite and big smile on his face and pulled your seat back, waiting for you to sit down until he sat down himself giving you a small bow. "My name is Alastor! It's a pleasure to be meeting you my dear, quite a pleasure."

He was definitely polite. But you did see what your cousin meant by saying he was probably not from a rich family. His moves seemed too much like he memorized them from a book only a short while ago, and not from real experience. His clothes seemed expensive for someone from a lower class but not higher. He also looked more dark-skinned than people in your family would probably find great.

"My name is Y/N. It's a pleasure to be meeting you, too." You tried giving him an honest smile back. He was probably gonna turn out to be an asshole, too, like all the guys, but for now, he hasn't done anything wrong.

The two of you exchanged light small talk before ordering your meals. You were surprised to see him ordering a heavy meal with a lot of meat and strongly seasoned. You of course didn't care what he was gonna eat and ordered your favorite meal, too, whatever his opinion may be, but you were used to everyone ordering the same boring and light stuff to seem healthy and well-mannered.

The conversation seemed superficial and boring but not too bad. He had at least not shown any extremely radical opinions or behavior yet.

His smile remained on his face throughout the whole conversation and after a while, he cleared his throat and explained kindly to you: "Look, you seem like a really beautiful and lovely woman, any man would be lucky to have you. This is why I have to be honest with you and tell you: I'm actually not interested in any romantic relationship or anything similar. But I am flattered by the letter you sent me and I do enjoy your company..." his smile didn't falter as he tried to politely let you down. It did though, when he saw your unusual reaction to his rejection.

Your always neutral-looking face until now, was slowly forming a smile and your eyes lit up. You were offended he actually thought your cousin's (probably vile) letter was written by you, but all in all you were glad, because this man didn't actually expect to sleep with you or even continue meeting.

You let out a relieved laugh. After seeing his confused face you quickly apologized, "I'm sorry, I just- my father forces me to go on these dates when I'm not actually looking for a relationship. I was already prepared to try to make up some story to scare you off, too, like I always do. But it seems like I may actually be able to enjoy a dinner for once without pretensions or expectations."

Though scaring men away can be entertaining in itself, too.

Your truly relieved smile, while picking up your food made Alastor smile again, too.

"Well if that's the case, I am happy we're on the same page, then. Though I am surprised about this... letter of yours then." He smiled gently, though his eyebrows scrunched a little in irritation when he said the word letter.

You then explained the existence of your cousin with a roll of your eyes and an embarrassed smile.

From that point on your conversation was much lighter and actually enjoyable. You both shared your annoyance at everyone's expectation to have to marry to have a life worth living. You then shared your struggle specifically as a woman. Marrying a man basically meant selling yourself to another man after you belonged to your father. It's like being an object.

Surprisingly, he actually agreed and talked about feminism and how much he appreciated women, especially his mother who solely cared for him since he was little.

He then explained how he definitely didn't want to meet the person who wrote that letter and expected an awful evening, but his mother encouraged him to at least try to meet a girl for once. This then ended in you talking shit about your cousin and him laughing about it.

It's the first time you talked to someone who actually shared your opinion. Of course, you knew those people existed, there was a wave of feminist women nowadays, calling themselves 'flappers' and even some men supported it. But you were never able to meet any of them, the only people you met were the same old, sheltered relatives of yours or their acquaintances.

You did have a thirst for knowledge though, which was the reason you knew about all of this in the first place, even when you were supposed to only associate yourself with a certain circle of people.

But you loved to read books you weren't supposed to and you loved to express yourself through art, when you weren't supposed to.

You tried learning basic self-defense too, but it wasn't easy through words alone and nobody wanted to teach you, because it was 'unlady-like'.

Alastor listened to you talking with a smile and nodded. He then explained how he hung around Jazz bars pretty often and got to know many beautiful feminist women there. You listened attentively. You heard about these places and wanted to go there for some time... Alastor noticed your interest and invited you to show you around one of these bars sometime.

You agreed with a genuine happy smile. This meeting was so unexpectedly nice. And you probably even made an actual friend for once.

"I do have to ask... you said you scare men away usually?" He asked and you nodded with a grin.

"So, how do you do that exactly?" He asked with a smirk while eating his steak.

"I usually just pretend to be a witch, a cannibal or a serial killer. Always works." You shrugged. Convincing men of these things over one date was actually easier than you'd think. And it did make sure they would never want to contact you again.

"Oh? But you're not, right?" He asked, his smile not wavering.

"Hmmm..." You obviously assumed his question to be a joke or rhetorical and answered, "No, I'm sadly not that interesting." You grinned and he gave you a weird grin back.

After the date, he walked you back to your house like a proper gentleman and kissed the back of your hand again when saying goodbye. He was a proper gentleman, not condescending or expectant of anything. This was definitely nice.

When you arrived back home you seemed surprisingly happier than your father or your brother expected you to be. They asked you how it went and you just said it went well and returned to your room.

...

One week later you met Alastor again in front of a local Jazz Bar. He politely offered to intertwine his arm with yours before entering the place.

Inside you were immediately greeted with...

"Alastor!!!" A small blonde girl hugged him with huge enthusiasm. He awkwardly patted her back.

"Aww!! Who is this sweet doll you brought with you?" The girl grinned at you.

"This is Y/N. A new friend of mine." Alastor introduced you to the short, chubby girl. You gave her a shy wave with your hand.

She immediately took your hand and dragged you into the club. "Well, Alastor's friends are my friends! You're pretty! Can you do the Charleston?" You blinked at her in confusion, looking around you, trying to find Alastor. You weren't used to people touching you or dragging you around this much... was this gonna go bad?

"Mimzy! How about you leave this lovely, little fellow to me, hm? She's still quite new to the scene." Alastor grinned at the girl and took your hand to guide you to him again. You sighed in relief. This girl seemed nice, but you didn't know her.

"Hmmm..." The girl glanced between you and Alastor with a thoughtful expression. "Alright! Does the new girl at least want some alc?" She grinned.

You politely told her the drink you wanted and Alastor just said 'the usual' with a dismissive wave of his hand and a smile. Mimzy nodded and left the two of you.

Alastor now led you to a private boot. You felt awkward. You were usually not too shy, but this situation was so unfamiliar.

"Hey..." You felt a hand on top of yours. "Relax." Alastor smiled at you. You nodded with a sigh.

Later Mimzy came back with a glass of your drink and a bottle of whiskey for her and Alastor. They ended up sharing the bottle with you after.

Mimzy smoked a cigar and encouraged you to try it, too - you did and though it was nice, you had to cough a lot.

Mimzy just giggled, calling you cute. Later she and Alastor showed you how to dance the Charleston. At first, you were embarrassed to try it, but after a couple of drinks, you were convinced.

After dancing for a while you sat back in the corner of the booth, Alastor smiling at you and pouring you another drink. "I'm grateful, but I think this is gonna be the last one." You tried not to slur your words too much and smiled at him, still out of breath and blushing from the dancing and the alcohol.

He nodded. "I'll walk you back home, of course." You smiled at him in gratitude.

This was probably one of the most enjoyable night you've had in a while. Though it probably was just a regular one for Alastor and his friend. You wondered if she was his girlfriend, she was pretty and he said he wasn't interested in romancing you.

Later when Alastor walked you home he gave you a small kiss on the cheek, despite this not being labeled as an actual date.

Alastor grinned at your face flushing in embarrassment and he asked you if you'd want to repeat the night. You enthusiastically agreed.

--------------------

This fic is my offering to the Helluva/Hazbin God to finally grace us with Helluva Boss s2 ep8 🙏🙏🙏 (I know I'm pushing my luck here, but also please let Blitzo and Stolas fix their relationship- okay now I'm getting delusional)

If you want to know how girlie scared off men, I just had 'Red Flags' by Tom Cardy in mind lmao.

Anyway, I've planned way more parts for this one, including when they are both married and in hell, so stay tuned!

#alastor hazbin x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #x reader #fanfic #alastor x reader

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tubborucho · 6 months ago

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A LOVE LETTER TO QSMPBLR

I saw my mutuals write those and decided that I also want to say a few words.

My whole life I loved being part of the communities. I’ve been heavily into fandoms since I was 10, and now 12 years later I can firmly state that QSMPblr community is definitely in my personal top 3 of all the fandoms I have been in.

It’s been such a fun and emotional and thrilling journey with so many ups and downs and I would never refuse to repeat it all over again. I met so many wonderful and incredible people because of this server that I can’t thank the universe enough.

All of my mutuals and followers made most of my 2023 so happy, and continue to do so in 2024, and I really need this joy with everything that happens outside the community itself.

(I am sorry this text is all over the place, I am struggling with concentration atm)

And I am so elated and a bit surprised for how many of you I became one of the favorites blogs here. I mean, I jumped from barely 150 followers to around 820 since september, and it’s all thanks to having so much fun liveblogging and theorizing with all of you.

Despite everything, I think Purgatory 1 was my favorite ever time period here. Yes, there was a lot of frustration and negativity but I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a comradery as back then, with my fellow Soulfire mains. I was in the post limit jail every single day, because I just could not stop chatting with all of you and reblogging incredible posts.

I also hold very dearly the moment, where Bad showed Tubbo the Soulfire Base Recreation. But the main reason is not even that this happened, but the fact that so many people on tumblr, in dms and even in Bad’s chat were LOOKING FOR ME, because they knew how much I’ve waited for that to happen. It was just so heartwarming to wake up to dozens of messages and mentions. I struggle with ‘nobody really cares if i am here or not’ syndrome a lot, so it made my day to see that people do.

I also want to say special thanks to some of you (even though each and single one of you deserve a separate paragraph). Under the cut:

@qtubbo and @mikaikaika. I love both of you so much, our 247 crew maybe on a kinda hiatus, but every moment we spent together is so special to me. We had so much fun, and I couldn’t ask for the batter gang to gash about the lore and cool posts together.

@lionheartedmusings. I am pretty sure you do not open tumblr these days, but if or when you see this: I am so glad that I got a chance to be your friend. We held so many incredible discussions together, and I am so proud to see your success and happy to be at least a small part of it.

@ultra-raging-ghost @dappersautismcreature @born-in-hell @comradeboyhalo @bigboobyhalo @mangofanarts @haloberry @halo-chainsaw @kadextra @skullhalo @aesthetic-gem and all the other ghosties here. Man, ghosties and tubblings alliance is honestly the best thing that ever happened to this community, and I loved all of your posts and liveblogging of Bad’s lore even when I didn’t have a clue what’s happening. You are all so smart and so great, ghosties never deserved all the hate them and the streamer got, I will fight for you always.

@terezicaptor you always match my freak. and that’s everything anyone in the fandom can ever ask for.

@itsbebebrainrotting @cheese-water @soulfireblue @galatoma @phatcatphergus @angelpaperclip @an0nfr0mth3d3n @flojouno @dozyrogue @charliecuntcicle @sweetmoons @kqluckity @h3xt0r @wackytheorist thank you for everything, i see you in my notes very often and most of you posted a lot about soulfire (which are always bonus points from me ahaha), and i am very glad you are here💛

@sweetie-peaches @routeriver @snopiah @thepenguisalive7 @piecanl @shumistar @diornies @flowerquib YOUR ART MY GOD YOUR ART OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MYGOD SO GOOD SO INCREDIBLE OH MY GOD

@etoilesbienne and @pommunist i think both of you have the most based takes, and i almost feel smarter when i read your serious posts.

I definitely missed some people I would love to thank, but honestly, as I said, all of you deserve a special thank you. So if you read this, you are awesome and I love you.

I am not leaving the fandom. But it’s always nice to appreciate people around you.

💛💛💛

#liss writes posts

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raayllum · 2 months ago

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Callum is so right about Rayla never doing anything for herself. You could say freeing Runaan was for herself but she also treats it as her "sacred promise" and chose him for Ethari too (shows how great her heart is). You think sparing Callum will finally count as her doing something for herself? Choosing her future and her love for him over the "greater good". She couldn't get her og parents back‚ this girl keeps losing and suffering she seriously deserves more wins

God, I could write an entire meta about that line - maybe one day when I'm feeling self indulgent. In regards to your actual prompt, re: saving Callum will count as something for herself -- a big yes, absolutely, I think! Though I think freeing her parents is something she deeply wanted for herself, too ("I miss you so much" / "so I wanted to do something for yourself for you") even if it was something she was continually putting off till the Aaravos situation, as far as she knew, was resolved

Prior to S6 I went back and forth on whether the show would frame Rayla's end of the possession plot line / trying to get Callum back as either "It doesn't matter what happens to me (again) I just want to save him" (which is what leaving in TTM and other moments was about) OR whether it'd be framed as "I refuse to sacrifice him / something I want (again)" and therefore be character development. I leaned towards the latter for reasons outlined here since the two have the chance to be even more thematically codependent than they already are in terms of their senses of identity:

As long as Callum is Callum (not possessed, or she has reason to believe he’s still in there), Rayla likely won’t be able to bring herself to kill him. This is from an emotional / characterization standpoint, of course, but from a thematic standpoint, we can see where it stems from Callum and Rayla continually being each other’s main connection to their sense of identity. As long as Callum is Callum (“you’re the destiny is a book you write yourself guy”), he’s worth saving. As long as Callum is Callum, she can be Rayla (“Rayla’s brave. She saves people” / “Rayla. My name is Rayla, and I’m going home”). As long as she’s Rayla, he can be Callum. Because if Callum isn’t Callum, then he’s dead, and if he’s dead, she can kill him. And if Rayla kills him, if Callum is dead, then she won’t be Rayla anymore. Because to literally kill Callum would be to simultaneously symbolically/emotionally kill herself.

This goes both ways of course - Callum can't/won't sacrifice Rayla because to do so would be to sacrifice a fundamental part of himself (namely his deep and Pure devotion to others which means he'll never go entirely down the negative side of Viren's path, and keep to the positive - leaving Aaravos, breaking free, etc). This was subtext prior to S6, but now it's actual text (she's his light/truth/hope of salvation, etc) so it goes double going forward. This is true for Rayla too — Callum is her guiding light and her star, he's one of the people who's taught her the most about how to love and the person she wants to be.

With all that in mind, yeah, I do think that Rayla will choose to not sacrifice Callum for the right reasons. Part of this is scaffolded under witnessing Callum not sacrificing her No Matter What prior to her won choice, and realizing "what [she] most deeply desires" isn't just Callum's survival even, but specifically the life they can have together, which she needs to stick around for and thereby not sacrifice herself. Runaan is also explicitly remorseful over the actions he took towards her where he choose duty over love, so Rayla realizing she should choose love over duty ties into them growing together as well in a positive way. We also see her realize some of this I think in choosing to let Lain and Tiadrin stay together rather than separate them specifically because of the Moonphoenix bracelet Callum gave her as well.

"I risked losing the best thing I ever had" because of her own duty turned revenge vs "I refuse to lose either of us like this" and finally fully accepting an assassin was never who she was and never who she Should be, in sacrificing others' lives or her own included. Them both Choosing each other above everything else was exactly what I was hoping for as soon as the "I need you to kill me" plot line started / wrote in my first CHET fic pre-S4 years ago:

She has two options as she pulls away. She can make a grab for her swords and go out, swords blazing. Kill Viren or Aaravos if she can as the sky splits open, purple and thrumming with magic; die with a sword in her hand in all likelihood. The release spell has already started. Or she can help Callum up, and they can live to fight another day—together. Rayla grips the back of his jacket. Presses her forehead to his neck for a second, tears building her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says. His arm tightens around her, like he’s braced for her to go. “Rayla—” “I’m so sorry,” she repeats, sobbing. This is all her fault, but she can’t do that to him. “We have to get out of here.” [...]

Callum is staring at her when she pulls back and she swallows hard. She doesn’t know what to say. It’s both a blessing and a curse when he speaks first. “You chose me,” he says, not quite softly; she can tell there’s a lump in his throat. An edge of anger that not doing so was even an option. “Yeah, well. It was about time,” she says quietly. “I—”

So uh, here's hoping!

#thanks for asking #mutual salvation theory #tategaminu #tdp rayla #s7 speculation #predictions #fic: just wait for me to come home #the moon arcanum connection in that fic being #the light & dark + love for rayla as constant truth + south star #we were all prophets lmao

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rvb-canon-grimmons · 6 months ago

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RVB RESTORATION THOUGHTS!!!!

LONG POST IM SO SORRY I HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS

(Im so sorry this got so long, but i got emotional while writing it so please bear with me, read this like its the morning paper while u eat breakfast or something i have alot to say)

Before I go into the things I didn't like I do want to focus on some positives.

-Like I said in an earlier post, Geoff's acting…he absolutely killed it, and maybe this is because I'm a little bit Geoff/Grif biased but he was giving so much emotion and everyone else felt a little bit flat. Also only he could have delivered the "Come with me" line with so much Homoeroticism -I Had a pretty fun time watching the fight in the second half, The references to Monty we're sweet and getting to see Tex and Carolina fight together was pretty epic! -A good handful of jokes got me good. "23rd in my class" Shelia translating Caboose's Spanish to Lopez

Ok……. the next bit of this will get a little bit negative, but I do want to say this is coming from a place of deep love and care for this series. I have run this blog for like 6/7 years now and I've been a fan of this show for double that. My biggest fear is that fans get the same treatment we did when no one liked RVBZero. I have criticisms. This is a 21 year old series that so many people have had a part in and so many have loved. I was not looking for perfection, I wasn't even looking for something good. I was looking for an ending to the stories of characters people have held in their hearts for 21 years. Unfortunately, what I feel we were left with was a hastily thrown together hour of basically nothing.

-Why weren't they friends…..Why weren't they friends…No one cared for the others. I understand that we have semi warped perceptions of the characters from fanon works and things of that nature. But even in canon, the reds and blue care about each other. On their own team and the other team. Simmons, Grif, Tucker, and Caboose spent MONTHS together in chorus and same for Donut/Sarge/Wash. I've recently rewatched blood gulch and Caboose and Sarge have a great dynamic! Tucker and Grif canonically get along pretty well. Simmons was ON BLUE TEAM for like a hot minute there. THEY KNOW EACH OTHER AND CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. This was zero percent present in this film. No one had any motivation to look for Tucker. No one cared that it was Tuckers body inside the suit. THE REDS LEFT CABOOSE FOR DEAD!!!!!! THEY JUST LEFT HIM!!!!

-Tucker, I'm so sorry baby girl, this was supposed to be your arc, your moment. You were hardly in it. No build up to how he became the Meta. The scene where he breaks out of it to not kill caboose was the best part of the arc. And he just wakes up and remembers it "like someone elses Nightmare??" ok sure

-Wash………………WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT THE FUCK???????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????? WHAT THE FUCK???? TO RUIN THIS MANS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC BY MAKING HIM COMPLETELY OBSOLETE. PUTTING HIM IN SOME RANDOM HOSPITAL FOR AN UNKNOWN INJURY THAT HAPPENS OFF SCREEN AND ISN'T EXPLAINED. HAVE HIM HALUCINATING DOC FOR SOME FUCKING REASON. HAVE HIM SHOW UP TO THE FINAL BATTLE AND DO ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING BUT JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF AND NOT SAY A WORD TO ANY OF THE RED AND BLUES I AM LIERALLY ABOUT TO FUCKING CRY TYPING THIS I AM LITERALLY SO FUCKING PISSED OFF. AGENT WASHINGTON, THE CHARACTER THAT WAS SO HAPPY IN THE SEASON RIGHT BEFORE CHORUS JUST TO BE ON BLUE TEAM AND HAVE A FUCKING FAMILY AGAIN. JUST SIDELINE HIM FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THEN NOT LET HIM SPEAK TO ANY OF HIS FRIENDS EXCEPT CAROLINA AND DEAD DOC. AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT TUCKER BEING THE META WAS LITERALLY A PLOT POINT CATERED TO HAVE WASH BE INVOLVED. THIS IS LIKE AGENT WASHINGTON ANGST BAIT 101. YES IM A TUCKINGTON SHIPPER BUT PUT ALL SHIPPING ASIDE, THEY WERE STILL FRIENDS, THEY WERE FRIENDS THEY WERE FRIENDS.

Grimmons. I am disappointed. But really not surprised. Honestly for everything I disliked I thought Grimmons was handled ok… at this point im like….. they couldn't even throw us a bone. company was dying, final season airing, and they couldn't even throw us a solid Grimmons queerbait joke. Its whatever….I don't wanna get too upset about shipping because at the end of the day, ships becoming canon isn't what shipping is all about (says Tumblr user "RVB-Canon-Grimmons) you get what im saying.

-Donut…..where was he…..Fucking Homophobic honestly

-DOC IS DEAD?????????????????????????????? FUCKING WHY???

-Sarge's death was fine, I'm not upset by it I just didn't feel like it was emotionally satisfying. Especially after the shock of them leaving Caboose and the much better scene of tucker fighting the meta's control over him to not hurt caboose.

-PEOPLE CALLED U SIR ALL THROUGHOUT CHORUS SIMMONS WHAT THE FUCK??????????? WHY IS SIMMONS PROMOTED AND INCHARGE OF NO ONE???? WHY DID GRIF LEAVE HIM???

Im sorry………..this is so long………just remeber this is only my opinions and if u don't agree thats totally ok!!!!! I am just a critical bitch….

#rvb #grimmons #rooster teeth #red vs blue #rvb grimmons #rvb restoration #agent washington #tuckington #rvb restoration spoilers

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bitter-bats-cult-of-the-moon · 8 months ago

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Demon or Deity? Deciphering Spirits

How to Confirm That You’re Talking to a God or Goddess

You can thank St. Augustine of Hippo for this. In the early 5th century, he wrote a theological essay against Paganism titled, “On the Divination of Demons.”

St. Augustine’s mother was Christian, and his father was Pagan. He understood both sides. He wrote many philosophical arguments for Christianity, his largest being The City of God.

In "On the Divination of Demons," Augustine fought back against an Oracle predicting the invasion of Serapis's temple. He argued that demons spoke to this Oracle. He argued that All Pagan Gods are Demons in disguise. He ridiculed fortune tellers and future predictions comparing them to the circus.

Do the arguments hold some sort of validity?

While Spirits can impersonate Deities this guy can now be pushed away from the conversation.

I’ll ask that question again.

Can Spirits Impersonate Deities?

The short answer is Yes.

The long answer depends on your experience level and knowledge.

If you are not used to the deity’s signs and how they communicate or you do not know which red flags to look out for, you are prone to deceit.

Red Flags

Messages drastically change.

For example, recently you received a sign from the Goddess Hekate. She wants to work with you.

The next week, another message tells you that She does not like you. Deities rarely change their mind without good reason. Double-check the divination.

People do everything for you.

Deities do not need to go through others to speak to you. Even if you cannot hear Them directly, deities can contact you in different ways. If someone else does a reading that sounds completely different, question it. Especially if it’s random and not requested. Do not use other people to translate things for you all the time. Spiritual journeys are personal. They are meant for you, and a lot of people get hurt this way. Other individuals love taking advantage of people using them for their own motives. Just be careful out there.

Overly negative or apocalyptic.

I've heard an unfortunate amount of people claim that the world was going to end after contacting their spirits. Why would they let go of any worshippers telling them that? Why would they give someone a sense that they are the chosen one? Question that. No one is special. We are all here for the human experience. Try dealing with that first even if you don’t want to.

The entity is trying to force you into things.

You do not need to answer spirits. A deity could ask you to worship Them. You can also say no. With years of experience, I have never heard of a deity punishing someone for not working with Them. If a message sounds like a threat, then question everything, and it’s probably best to ignore it.

How to Guarantee That You’re Speaking to a Deity

Ask the same question several times.

Use your preferred divination technique writing down all the answers to your questions. After one day has passed, repeat the same method rephrasing the questions asking the spirit again. Sometimes there are inconsistencies. Question what feels right and what does not.

Thoughts belong to whom?

Are the thoughts yours or are the thoughts external from you? Sometimes strong emotions are mistaken for spiritual signs. It’s easy to get caught up in your own head and let it take over hijacking the metaphysical exercise. Always question this. Did you anticipate a specific answer? This can also lead to derailment. It doesn’t hurt to ask again to gain confirmation. Before contacting your deity, stabilize your emotional state.

Gathering valuable resources.

Contrary to what I just said you can seek outside opinions for valuable resources. Become familiar with the deity’s information beforehand and ask about other peoples’ experiences. Just don’t let people take over the work or tell you how to think. Try to do the work yourself. Research is key.

Different techniques for you.

Try a different form of divination to see if the answers are around the same or greatly vary. This won’t hurt and it will help you learn more. Trust your instincts in spirit work. It’s okay to question things.

Protection orders.

If there is constant anxiety and worry, then do yourself the favor and put-up protection wards before spiritual communications begin. It will give you some peace of mind and it doesn’t hurt anything at all.

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jailrose · 2 months ago

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Dionel and Dunlingr DO NOT GET ALONG LMAOO

All that aside, he called Dionel a brat... a BRAT... does anyone even realize how much you gotta display THAT kind of behavior for someone to just call you a BRAT straight to your face ToT he really is that old isn't he

also... Dionel... a brat... in other aspects... yeah...

This one is really interesting to me. I have this headcanon where Dionel is the god of mirth, among the Celestials; based on his tales, he's the most carefree of them all, and rarely (emphasis on RARELY!!) gets angry

With the younger Celestials, he's extremely lax; I think he'd get along really well with them. They see him as this cheerful older brother who parties all day and someone they can relax with whenever they're having a bad day. He's kind of also the playful drunk who's all smiles and stuff when he's intoxicated

The older Celestials, however, don't really appreciate this kind of behavior. They're serious about their respective jobs, they can't exactly tolerate or fathom doing nothing as a spare time. Which is... kind of what Dionel does. He's the god of mirth, yes, but surely he can do something else other than throw parties and drink, right?

The way Dionel shot back with a similar retort oh I KNOW he's annoyed with that old man

His anger may be rare but he still gets annoyed!! And that's okay!

It's kind of interesting tho because in the next scene he got over it really quickly. Dionel really just. Doesn't let negative emotions last longer than they have to, but he still feels them. Keeping them in his head just isn't healthy. It makes it easier to process the emotions and then get over it later on so he's in a better mood

Dunlingr is just really old in his ways, but I also feel like that's just his way of looking out for the young— by giving them tough lectures about being responsible. What he's saying here isn't without reason, too! Dionel's younger than him but already he's drinking too much and seemingly irresponsible, who wouldn't be concerned by that, really?

Okay Mr. Sarcasm. Snarky mf

Yeah, really got over it quickly. Quick to compliment, trying to end the conversation on a positive note. Reads to me like no matter the kind of argument there is, he wants to still get along and hopefully make amends for... whatever they were arguing about.

Hopefully he knows not everything's gonna be solved with a good glass of wine, tho... he may be a drunkard, but I don't think he's an idiot ;)

Anyways if any of these headcanons get blown and blasted by canon that's all FINE!! I'm just here rambling don't mind me

#afk dionel #afk dunlingr #afk journey #there's one just ONE suggestive line but other than that this post is SFW #this was such an interesting interaction tho #at first i thought dunlingr was gonna be a warm grandpa type when i first saw him #turns out he was the opposite!!#but hey!! i'm not opposed #in fact i think it's really cool how it also shows us the disparities each member of the faction has with one another #it's not just hypogeans that can't stand each other lmaoooo #dionel headcanons too #sorry i wanna ramble

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lua-magic · 11 months ago

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North node and your hidden dragon.🐲

North node is expansion, observation, think big, think out of box, desires and obsession in life.

North node and south node are shadow planets, it is extremely hard to define and express these two planets as they hold so much within them which cannot be seen or understood.

That is the reason people misunderstand them, and think them as demonic planet that put eclipse even on sun or moon, which are king and queen of your chart.

North and South node are two planets that help you to achieve all your desires not only in this plane but also after death bring liberation to your soul.

People and astrologers knows only aspect " North node is desire and illusion but south node is detachment and liberation"

But, they don't know what north node and south node can get you, no other planets can bring you, they are extremely powerful, powerful even than sun and moon.

That is why studying their conjunction with planets and how to align with them to manifest things you desire is extremely important.

I can write thousand pages about these two planets but still won't be able to do full justice to the power that they hold on human life.

Good north and south node in your chart or Aligning to their energy will bring you everything in life that you deserve because only and only these two planets has the capacity and Power to get you everything in life, for what you have come on this material realm.

If these planets are exalted you will enjoy and get everything in life that you deserve and that you are worthy of.

So pay attention to your these two planet conjunction.

North node has got only head 😶‍🌫️ so it is great in observation, logic and taking about facts and figures.

South node is intuive while north node is expressive.

With north node Intuition doesn't work you have to observe it and express it

Wait I will explain it in details with conjunctions.

So I am going to explain you how you can allign with the energy of your chart.

Jupiter and noth node conjunction.

In vedic astrology this combination is considered as one of the most unlucky combination because it is said to block the divine blessings of the Jupiter, but here trick is that Jupiter is behaving like North node and not like pure love and light which is character of Jupiter.

So, as I mentioned north node is expansion, here, native should always think big in his life

You should think like North node, native main focus area should be "manifestation of all your desires through your knowledge" because Jupiter is knowledge and north node is desire.

You should always have goals in life and you need to apply your spiritual knowledge in manifesting that desires then your conjunction will work on in you favour.

North node is expansion so, always have broad thinking, think big.

Think how you can expand yourself more in terms of material wealth and success.

Yes, day dream, vissiualse, work on your material sucess.

Unlike Jupiter and south node, that detaches you from material world pull you deep into spirituality.

Nort Node loves to express, so probably your favourite meditation is where you can express yourself freely like dance and music.

While Jupiter with South node loves to sit and go into void and gets detached easily from mind and body .

Moon and north node conjunction.

There are so many misinformations and misunderstanding about this conjunction because astrologers also don't know exactly how to align with this energy and simply call them " Eclipse" in your chart.🌑

Now here one this sure, north node is demonic planet it is not pure and devine, and moon is emotions, so your emotions will be mostly negative, or you attract negativity easily.

But, is it, that if someone who has this combination never becomes successful?

One of the most successful author J.K. Rowling has this combination.

So, how to allign here?

As, i mentioned before north node is observation, and this line is true for every one who has any planet in conjunction with north node," Start observing people like whom you want to become " your north node will improve.

Stay away from any kind of negativity and toxicity even if it is in the form of news or family.

Moon with north node should avoid any kind of toxicity and only observe good and abundant people in life, read about them, listen about them, see them, surround yourself with your idol.

Such natives should always have one idol in life like whom they want to become and start following them, do whatever your idol does, just behave like them and one day you will become them.

"Fake it till you make it". That is why north node is illusion they are good in it..

Use vision board in every corner put photo of your idol and start behaving like them, something like "Alter ego" that celebraties uses.

Yes, you need to have alter ego, then your North node will give you excellent results.

Venus with north node or Saturn with north node.

Saturn with north node is considered is one combination for evil spirit or evil eye.

Ok, here I am not mentioning negative of any combination but only positivity.

Venus is money, noth node is expansion, such natives should only and only think about expansion of money, and never ever be insecure about your money.

Keep asking yourself how could you, make your money 10x all the time, Only one thought should occupy your mind "make my money 10x."

Never be insecure about your finances otherwise you will damage your Venus, always think big in terms of money, I mean I am talking about making your money double and not about shopping and spending money.

Don't save, invest.

Saturn is work and Rahu is expansion.

Always think about expanding your work more, never be insecure in job or work.

Always pay attention how could you expand yourself in your work life then your Saturn and Rahu will give good results.

For example someone offers you manager post, so your thought should be " Next how can I become CEO"? Instead thinking what if they fire me?

Think big always in terms of your work.

Mars rahu.

I have written so much about it already, so only one point I want to add which I never mentioned nor any astrologers will tell you,

Especially, with regards to females, always go for highly and highly ambitious husband and illectutuals never go to spiritual husband otherwise your north node will give bad results, and in terms of relationship be observant, pay attention to what your husband or partner likes and dislikes, that would help you to feel more secured in relationship.

For Mars Ketu female go for spiritual and simple husband, your south node will give good results.

Mercury and Rahu conjunction:

Mercury are friends and Rahu is circle, so be careful about your circle especially friends, your network is networth, if you want to manifest something or become successful, make friends with successful people, you will become what you surround yourself with so pay attention with whom you are spending your time with.

Guys now please ever tell me your north node or south node is debilitated and giving you bad results...😞

#vedic astrology #astrology #astro observations #astro community #astro notes #spirituality #occult

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klxudykai · 4 months ago

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Hey, I'm the shifter who sent that ask, and I wanted to clear some things up. I will try my best to write well:

Meditate for 5 minutes a day. This can be really helpful for people who have trouble with overthinking.

Get off Shifttok. I know it's hard, but just get off if you truly want to shift.

Also, the reason I would recommend getting off is because there's a lot of close-minded people saying things like "it's just lucid dreaming" or "it's basically just dreaming." But it's your DR, so do whatever you want. And lucid dreaming and shifting are not the same thing. If you're lucid dreaming, you will know you're dreaming, but when you shift, you may not even notice at first. It took me 1-2 hours to realize I had shifted. It feels that real.

If you're still saying it's lucid dreaming, then tell me how I took a fat shit in a dream. Make it make sense. It's like saying the reality you're in right now is just a lucid dream.

Stop expecting everything to be perfect. Allow yourself to be sad or angry; that's okay, you're human. When you feel better, then you can go back to affirming or whatever.

The final thing I want to say is that this is real. Shifting is real, your DR self is real. It's not a joke. It's about to be 2025, so please get it through your head that shifting is real. Your DR self is probably there dancing, kissing your S/O, while you're here whining.

mwah happy shifting!!

it took me so long to get back to this (haven't been feeling the best, apologies)

but yes meditating and avoiding places with misinformation (shifttok for that example) is a great way to develop a clear conscious and get rid of any negative feelings you may have regarding shifting ^^

allowing your feelings to flow through rather than suppressing them is also a good thing to do because when you hide your emotions and force yourself to stay "positive" all it does is make those negative emotions bigger (it also taps into the whole shifttok bs of toxic positivity)

thanks so much for saying all this anon, im sure a lot of people needed to hear it, especially me <33

#shiftblr #reality shifting #desired reality #black shifters #shifters #shifting #shifting realities #shifting blog #shifting community #shifting antis dni

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tenebraevesper · 7 months ago

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Knuckles (My Thoughts)

So, I have watched Knuckles, the 2024 show that basically came out yesterday, and before watching it, I have heard a lot of mixed opinions, ranging from ''the show is great'' to ''the show is awful, I hate it''. I had figured I might as well add my thoughts to the fray.

There will be spoilers in this review, so if you haven't watched the show, you had your warning.

So, for starters... this show is absolutely bonkers, and I definitely enjoyed watching it! X3

Honestly, I feel like there was a pretty good mix of comedy and action, and while there is some over the top acting, it didn't really take away from my enjoyment. It was a pretty wild ride from start to finish, and I kinda want to know what the writers were smoking during some scenes, because there were moments where things just get a bit surreal.

The show is also peppered with a lot of emotional moments, but I'll get to that bit in a moment. So far, I think people were right when they called this Sonic the Hedgehog, but it's Knuckles and Wade instead of Sonic and Tom.

The main crux of the show is that Knuckles has a bit of a crisis. He has found the Master Emerald, he has found friends in Sonic and Tails... and the only reason he's on Earth is because of that promise to them, as he clearly doesn't feel like he is at home... yet. So, how does he deal with that struggle?

Well, Pachacamac tells him what to do. Not gonna lie, even though I had expected him to appear, I was still baffled, because Pachacamac in this show is basically Oogway, Mufasa and Mr. Miyagi rolled into one. Clearly, Knuckles still holds great admiration for him, but let's remember that this was the guy who hunted down Sonic and Longclaw, leading to the mutual massacre. And now, he's a ghost that Knuckles can talk to, a lá Tikal. Kinda weird, but I think this is also the moment the show doesn't give a damn about being grounded.

Pachacamac suggests Knuckles that he should continue the legacy of the Echidnas, with Wade Whipple becoming his new protégé. Knuckles knows Wade is a loser, but he accepts, especially given Wade's determination to show everyone and their mother that he isn't some kind of loser and will become the bowling champion at the tournament in Reno, Nevada. So, he and Knuckles go on a road trip there while also being hunted down by two rogue G.U.N. agents, who want to deliver Knuckles to The Buyer, a guy who formerly worked for Robotnik and wants to use his quills to power his weapons.

Now, I will first start with the negative stuff that I noticed during the plot. Yes, people were correct, the second half of the show does focus a lot on Wade and his family rather than on Knuckles. Should it focus more on the titular character? Absolutely! Am I disappointed with what we got? Ehh... not really. Not gonna lie, I was actually quite invested in Wade's family drama.

Honestly, I can't really think of any complaint aside from the lack of Knuckles' screentime. Maybe it would've been better if the show focused on Knuckles bonding with Sonic and Tails, but it was always advertised as a Knuckles and Wade road trip, so I can't say I was lied to (not to mention, we had a whole movie of Sonic, Tails and Knuckles bonding). I suppose that another thing to add to it is the abrupt ending, although we do get a post-credits scene with Knuckles and Wade going to their next adventure, and the fact that they just don't address some plot points (like we don't know how the Wachowski family reacted to Knuckles' absence).

Well, that's my negative thoughts on the show, what's the positive stuff?

First of all, Knuckles himself - he is absolutely awesome every moment he gets! His character is on point, and he gets a lot of goofy, but also very wholesome moments. He also works very well with Wade, their personalities bouncing off each other and their interactions can turn from hilarious to absolutely heartwarming, especially when bonding over their respective lives.

I think that's a really strong point of this show - Knuckles helping Wade, in his own way, to overcome his insecurities, while just being his Echidna Warrior self. At the same time, he also learns about simple things in life, like ''what his jam is'' (to no one's surprise, it's the show's theme song, The Warrior by Scandal) or about Wade's family's traditions, as well as finally accepting that Earth is his home.

Also, Knuckles and Wade's mother beating up the bounty hunters was one of the best scenes in the show, hands down.

As I said previously, I also got quite interested in Wade's family life. I really like his mother, but his sister is a bitch, even if she stands by Wade's side. His father, not gonna lie, Pistol Pete gets the same amount of hate from me as Locke... Huh, maybe they did base Wade's father on one of the most hated characters from the Sonic Archie comics? After all, both abandoned their sons for a ''greater purpose''. In any case, it was satisfying seeing Wade beating his father in the bowling tournament and use what he learned during his journey.

Furthermore, this show is peppered with many lore bits, but the most jaw-dropping is this one:

So, if you guys don't know, this is Iblis, one of the Big Bosses of Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), alongside Mephiles, and basically the main reason Silver the Hedgehog and Blaze the Cat went back to the past to save the future, with Silver fighting Sonic due to the belief that he was responsible for the apocalyptic wasteland that is Silver's future. Both Iblis and Mephiles are halves of the sun god Solaris, who was defeated by Super Sonic, Super Shadow and Super Silver.

So, in this show, in this story told to us via a rock opera arranged by Pachacamac and starring an... unconscious (dead?) Wade? *shrugs* So, yeah, in this story, apparently, Knuckles defeated Iblis with the Flames of Disaster, aka beating him up with flaming fists.

Not gonna lie, that's metal.

Also, another lore bit that is dropped is how a different alien visited Reno for a bowling tournament in 1974, which tells me either two things:

One possibility is that it was Shadow who appeared at the bowling tournament, which is but funny and pretty awesome, and now I have an image of Shadow, Maria and Gerald Robotnik wearing those bowling T-shirts.

The other possibility is that Black Doom dropped after making his deal with Gerald and decided to sign up the Black Arms for a tournament, which is just plain hilarious.

So, yeah, overall, I liked the show. Is it the best? Not really, but it is something I'd rewatch if I want something fun and wholesome.

#Sonic Cyber Revolution (Masterlist)

#Ten's Thoughts #knuckles the echidna #knuckles series #knuckles show #wade whipple #sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #iblis sonic #pachacamac #Sonic Cyber Revolution Analyzer

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mirageofadesert · 1 year ago

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On a heartless path of his own: A character study of Tantai Jin from TTEOTM

aka: an excuse to talk about Tantai Jin, as well as Luo Yunxi's acting, excessively

For some reason all media in these posts were taken down due to acopy right claim. You can still see them on reddit!

Born into tragedy, living out someone else's script, destined to suffer all the hardships of humanity, only to rise above it all and ascend to godhood - Tantai Jin's journey is one of epic proportions. It's a story of struggling to control your own destiny, learning to love and grow, but ultimately sacrificing everything for the greater good. And while the story is larger than life, Luo Yunxi's excellent acting grounds it in humanity - drawing the audience into the tragedy that is the life and death of Tantai Jin, Ye Xiwu's husband.

The empowerment of embracing powerlessness

“Dignity? It means nothing to me. For me, personally, this bowl of rice matters more. I can’t survive without food. But I had had dignity would have died long ago.” (TTJ in E02)

As a devil's fetus, Tantai Jin is born without love strings and therefore without the ability to process emotions. This is exacerbated by the loveless and harsh conditions in which he grows up. Struggling to survive from an early age, Tantai Jin lacks any form of control or agency in his own life. The audience pities him, easily excusing his psychotic tendencies on the unfortunate circumstances of his life. And while this is true to an extent, in the context of Till The End Of The Moon's literary and poetic approach to storytelling, I would argue that he is also a "Kunstfigur" - a symbol of humanity, rather than the representation of a real person.

In this sense, Tantai Jin is a stylistic device to tell a story about humanity and fate. The term "Kunstfigur" comes from German literature and theater, and describes a character who stands at a certain distance from reality, i.e. reflects it in some way. Tantai Jin did not become evil, he was born with something evil. The people around him abused him, not just because it's human nature to do so, but because they noticed that there was something wrong with him, something unsettling. We see this best in his two maids who witnessed his birth and childhood. The actions of all these characters are not meant to be realistic, they are a comment on the reality of humanity. This is what makes Till The End Of The Moon such a compelling (and controversial) drama.

What makes Tantai Jin's suffering so special is that even when he reaches a new low, he never seems truly weak. There is so much emotion in his expression that even when he is deliberately schools his face to look indifferent, you can always see a hint of underlying emotion, often some kind of deviance, burning in his eyes.

Saving face, avoiding humiliation and embarrassment are powerful incentives for behavior. Pride or ego make us try to avoid these negative experiences. But what if these negative experiences determined our entire lives? Tantai Jin fears neither humiliation nor belittlement, only hunger and betrayal. He has not only become accustomed to them, he is unable to process them properly. More than that, he has understood how accepting humiliation can be empowering in itself. There is power in being seen as weak. There is power in making others think they have power over you. There is power in letting go of pride. There is power in not fighting back, in not giving others the satisfaction of seeing you struggle and suffer. And it's not just that he lacks the threads of love and doesn't understand human emotion. It's the way he accepts his fate that makes him feel powerful.

This is unique for a character in fiction. Such a role is usually reserved for the court jester or a concubine. Tantai Jin is neither. I think what makes these characters so different is also Luo Yunxi's subtle but excellent acting skills. He is able to portray weakness without ever feeling weak. His approach to acting allows him to express many complex emotions in every single scene. It's not just in his facial expressions, but also in the way he immerses himself in a character, studying it beforehand and pushing himself to his physical limits when necessary. I don't think many actors would be able to create such a convincing character as Tantai Jin.

This last scene is fascinating not only because of the excellent acting, which makes the special effects seem almost real because of the convincing way Luo Yunxi interacts with them. It's also interesting for other reasons: After Tantai Jin feels real (magical) power the first few times, it's implied that he will succumb to it, become hungry and greedy for more - but he never does. These episodes (e.g. the nightmare demon and the crow attack during the wedding) are meant to give the audience a glimpse of a possible future in which Tantai Jin becomes fully evil, which never materialises. When Tantai Jin comes to power, he's nothing like the Devil God.

He does feed excessively on demons, but this is either never shown on screen or presented as a necessity of war. He gains his throne not in a great battle, but through small acts of power rather than great ones - fending off rodents, sharing soup with the court officials, showing humility and wit with the scholars, and making positive changes to social policy so that his people don't have to suffer hunger and hardship as they once did. On the battlefield, Tantai Jin's power is great, and no opponent stands a chance against him. But being a king is not just about the power of one man - it's about the lives of the soldiers he leads, the lives of his people, the safety of his tribe and the happiness of the woman he loves.

Setting on a path of love

“The immortals say, body, heart, and mind are three different parts. When the three parts are unified, the internal elixir is formed. Empty thy heart to unite soul and character. Calm thy body to silent energy and mood. Steady thy mind then all three merge into one. Destroy your desire for romantic love, and then you can understand the universe and all lives. This is the one and only way of the Hearless Way. (LSS in E06)

At the beginning of the story, Tantai Jin is on the opposite path to the Heartless Way. He has no real desire for romantic love, until Li Susu as Ye Xiwu awakens those feelings. Moreover, her kindness takes root in his heart and begins to blossom. Quite literally, as you can see in the scene below:

Through Li Susu's acts of care and love, as well as her determination to protect his life, Tantai Jin slowly falls in love with her. Even without her, he was never cold-hearted. He was compassionate towards animals, never unnecessarily cruel - at least not on purpose or before he was pushed too far. So his newfound ability to process emotions and experience love is not limited to Li Susu/Ye Xiwu.

He shows it to his mother's tribe, in his negotiating skills with Ye Quingyu, in his relationships with Pianran and Nian Baiyu, and in his ability to lead a country. He is a natural leader and a good ruler. Tantai Jin proves to be tenacious and hardworking, loyal, intelligent and even dignified.

in certain mannerisms, or in the elaborate way Tantai Jin dresses now that he has access to proper clothing. Or in the way he personally leads his army, just as Mingye did. (Mingye's influence may be most visible when Tantai Jin becomes Cang Jiumin). It may even have influenced his views on Ye Bingchang. Most importantly, however, is his shared experience of the tragic but deep love between Mingye and Sangjiu. He slowly begins to face and accept his feelings for Ye Xiwu and tries to win her over - while still learning to process feelings of love, jealousy and rejection. His love for Ye Xiwu becomes obsessive and suffocating. His insecurity and jealousy become blinding to a degree that costs Xian Lin his life and Ye Xiwu her freedom.

The battle for Tantai Jin's heart has always been both emotional and magical, as the evil bone resides within it, leaving Li Susu no choice but to pierce it with nails manifested from the love the same heart felt for her.

After Ye Xiwu's death and sacrifice, Tantai Jin loses his mind in grief. His morbid obsession with Ye Xiwu leads him to hold onto her corpse, and later drives him to take his own life in an attempt to be reunited. After failing, Tantai Jin spends the next 500 years single-mindedly searching for his beloved's soul, experiencing excruciating pain on a daily basis. The tragedy of this event is that he is searching for the wrong soul. He still doesn't know when someone else took over Ye Xiwu's body, or what the flashback Ye Xiwu showed him in her last moment really means.

His love for Ye Xiwu has blinded him to everyone around him: His friends, his subordinates, and his people. He no longer cares about anything but his dead wife, not even his own life.

The Heartless Way

There is a misconception about the Heartless Way, especially among international audiences who lack cultural context. It's rooted in Buddhist and Daoist ideas that "heaven and earth are heartless" or "heaven and earth are not partial". What this means is that the Heartless Way is not devoid of emotion, it's quite the opposite: It is about overcoming personal attachments so that one can love and have deep compassion for every living being. It's about equality, not putting one life above another. The idea of the Way itself is probably linked to the concept of wuxin, which is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear or ego during combat or everyday life.

While it is Li Susu, who has decided to peruse this way in order to seal the evil bone within her body, I think Tantai Jin has, unbeknownst to him, set on the same path – and even if it’s just within the meta story-telling of the drama.

As Cang Jiumin, Tantai Jin’s love grows. At first, he is still focused on reviving his long death wife and therefore tries to stay in the Xiaoyao sect. However, his time there has subtle but far-reaching consequences. The first task, Cang Jiumin is entrusted with, is to help an old, blind woman trapped by her inability to accept the death of her only son. For this mission, he is given a sword by his master:

This sword is called South Branch. Forged by my Master when he was still alive. It was transformed from plum blossoms. It has the heart of spring and the soul of the frost. It carries no killing intent. If you see the world with kindness, you’ll have no obsession and see true freedom. I’ll give it to you as a witness. When you can awaken it, you can understand it. (E30, Master Zhao You to TTJ)

Tantai Jin witnesses how obsession, even when it's the all-consuming love of a mother, can destroy a person. The old women's story mirrors Tantai Jin's own inability to come to terms with Ye Xiu's death. He tells the women about his beloved wife and how she taught him to be a good person, something he is no longer sure he is. His need for Ye Xiwu was inherently selfish, and he never really thought about what she would have wanted. When the old women ask him if he would turn into an evil person to get his wife back, he briefly considers the possibility of using the power of the Devil God, but decides against it because it's not what Ye Xiwu would have wanted. In the end, Tantai Jin uses a lie to redeem the old woman. He, who never had a mother, embraces her as she dies in his arms. When he returns to his master, something has been set in motion: Tantai Jin lets go of his obsessive love for Ye Xiwu.

Most of the following scenes in the third arc, which are not directly related to the rebirth of the Devil God or Li Susu, are related to this theme. For example, the secret technique of the Xiaoyao sect, the Xiaoyao Swordplay, requires him to "follow and practise his heart". From this point on, Cang Jiumin gains power through diligent practice and kindness. Tantai Jin's ability to love begins to grow, soon encompassing his master and sect brothers. Another example is that the symbolism of food, which had always been a symbol of his relationship with Li Susu, is now used in relation to his sect brothers and master. Tantai Ji begins to care more and more about other people's lives, as shown when he tries to protect everyone in Jiang from Si Ying and Jing Mie (even a tyrant like Cen Mi).

When he transforms the Heart Guard Scale, he has a vision, an epiphany. He sees all the important people from his past living happily in another reality. I'm still not quite sure what it means. But in that moment he understands that he doesn't have to fear the power of the Devil God, that he is in control of his fate.

Having all the power, while having none

Tantai Jin started out with no power, control or agency over his life. He has gained all of this only to reach a point where none of it matters, none of it is enough. He is powerless against his destiny to become the Devil God, but that doesn't stop him. He goes from accepting his fate as a hostage prince to fighting fate itself.

He attempts to trick the Devil God and his minions before using the Xiaoyao Sect's Incarnation-Abandoning Array to trap and kill their army. This technique requires him to sacrifice his own life - and he is willing to do so:

So he gives in and surrenders to fate and the unimaginable powers of the Devil God he once feared. This leads him to face the echo/essence of the Ancient Devil God in a battle for dominance. It's here that he finally realises that he has always been surrounded by love and kindness. He acknowledges the love of his parents, his maids, his subordinates, his sect and his friends, and most of all, Li Susu. She taught him to love and to feel emotions, breaking through the darkness that was his life under the thumb of the Devil God. It is this realisation that leads him not only to fully embrace his fate, but also to ascend to godhood.

However, even with the power of the Devil God and his own godly powers, he is still powerless when it comes to the most important thing: stopping the activated All-in-Distress Way from destroying the three realms and the living beings within them. All his powers are pretty much useless. Tantai Jin has gone from being powerless to having all the power imaginable, and it's still not enough. There is only one way to save the world, and that is for Li Susu herself to ascend to godhood, kill him and thus destroy the All-in-Distress Way.

Therefore, Tantai Jin sees no choice but to free Li Susu from her romantic love for him, so that she can attain the Heartless Way. In doing so, he reinforces his own by embarking on a Heartless Way of his own. As previously quoted, "Heaven and Earth are heartless", and in this sense Tantai Jin is trying to be partial to her pain. And even though we know he's not, he's still trying to sacrifice his love and his remaining obsession for the sake of everyone, for the greater good. Not only does he have to destroy Li Susu's love for him, he has to kill his own by acting against his own desires. This is the heartless way.

In these scenes, the two newly ascended gods are in Tantai Jin's mind and heart. We have already seen these inner places symbolised by space and sky. It visualises how Tantai Jin has achieved inner peace, embraced by light and tranquillity.

I think that even as gods, Tantai Jin and Li Susu were still deeply in love, but they don't put each other above anyone else. In a final sacrifice, Tantai Jin rejects Li Susu's wish to be reincarnated together, destroying his immortal essence and thus himself for eternity (or so it seems).

In this post, I tried to approach Tantai Jin as a character in TTEOTM through two theme present in the story: The metaphor of the Heartless Way and motive of embracing power and powerlessness. Tantai Jin’s hero's story has led him from being without power and agency, a mere pawn of more powerful men and gods, to gain power and love before losing it. He was born without love, appearing heartless, only to gain the ability to feel emotion before having his heart broken (literally). Eventually, he gives up his worldly obsessions, emotions and ego, while developing a deep compassion for every living creature. In the end, his ultimate power lies in his sacrifice and his ability to love.

We have reached the end of this post. I warned you that it was going to be excessive… if you've made it this far, thank you for your time and patience! I hope I haven't made too many spelling mistakes! I originally wanted to highlight more of Luo Yunxi's acting, but I ran out of space. I think I will make a separate post about that.

I would like to thank my Twitter friend ~NPY~, with whom I have been discussing this show for weeks now, and who has helped me with many of these thoughts and ideas. Also a shout out to the reddit user who explained the misunderstanding of the "heartless" path!

#luo yunxi #cdrama #till the end of the moon #tteotm #tantai jin

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