#yes babe you have bpd

[underscorepepper]

he must be stopped ..

[kartwheeling-away]

the urge to shake him around like a chew toy

[totalfknloser]

Idk if it's I'm being asking way too early from the last request , but how about a list about Zack , Brodie , Dion and Giles green and red flags ? Like a top who has more ? ( ahem , it's way too obvious who but let's keep the mystery )

You're writing is awesome 🤟

LMAO THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS SO FUNNY LOL but tbh idk who has more red flags?? zakk is a meanie pants and i feel giles would be.. interesting.. dion would just be kind of nervous and brodie is completely just 😻 i think it would be zakk tho cause well it’s zakk but he’s hot soooo..

.☠︎︎. ⚂ .⛧.♫.

♫ BRODIE! MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL BRODIE! (can you tell i like Brodie a lot?) i feel that Brodie would be a very normal boyfriend and person, just a little weird because as a metalhead myself i can confirm metalheads are a little weird in their own each way. Brodie is a very sweet boy and i feel like he has very little red flags to none. i think his green flags would be that he can cook and take care of himself (i headcanon this because of his parents cause don’t kill me if i’m wrong but considering his dad is i think.. dead? and his mom is a crazy bitch, i think he learnt to care for himself pretty fast.), he’s, as i always say, a total softie who’s a wonderful boyfriend, he’s a calm person to be around other than, well, when there is like a zombie demon thing apocalypse, and other yk, good boyfriend type shit. I think his red flags wouldn’t be too red and more beige or barely a red flag. I think Brodie’s little things would be like he’s not too into actual skincare and just does basic things like wash his hair and use soap and stuff, but he still has like dirt under his nails sometimes and picks at his acne n shit. but i believe he would be more than happy to have you care for him for him lol. i also think he would be sorta lazy and be pretty messy, but blah blah, basically he’s a good boy.

☠︎︎ second on our not that red to bright vermillion flags is Dion. Dion is like, overly a nerd. which isn’t a bad thing, i love me a sweet nerdy boy. Dion has little things too like idk picked his nose till 7th grade in middle school, or watches too much porn but not to an addiction, just more random little things. much like Brodie, he’s a good boy. but until you as a lover would get him to open up to being a little more used to what love is like, he wouldn’t do very much to keep up the relationship lmao, he just loves being around you. Dion is very sweet, just a little more unusual, but more than Brodie.

⚂ GILES! Giles is weird, i think Giles is weird. I don’t hate him, i LOVE him platonically, i think he’s funny. but would i date him? no. i just think he would be a bit too peculiar. nobody can tell me he doesn’t have a porn addiction, and hasn’t fucked something weird which yes, you cannot tell me otherwise cause yes he has fucked something weird, it’s mentioned in the movie! i think it was a dummy or something. I think Giles is just very weird sexually, like not piss kink weird (sorry to everyone with a piss kink), but like too much porn and hot babes weird. and i don’t think he would be very like loving at first? like he would love you as much as anyone else in a relationship, he just wouldn’t know how to show it, but he’d eventually get it, much like Dion.

⛧ and finally, our beautiful blood red Zakk. Zakk is a nasty mean boy as we all know. before he really loves you, i believe he would be a man with a bit of a sick sense of humor (yk like dark jokes or laughing at sort of fucked up stuff), would be terrible at caring for himself in not all ways, but most. and he’s like, a total asshole, obviously. i saw someone say that Zakk would have bpd and listed why and i so agree which bpd or any disorder (trust me y’all i have 4 disorders lmao) doesn’t make you a red flag till you let it make you a red flag, and i think Zakk would let it become a red flag. Zakk is just kinda fucked up. from weird things on the internet he saw when he was too young, to definitely having trauma, i think he’s a little fucked from the start. I still love him and he would def learn to love you. I think his version of love would be a bit possessive and overly clingy, like if anyone hit on you he would get more possessive than he really should. I also think he would hold onto you forever and ever and never let go, and if you left and especially if you hurt him when you left, he’d never forgive himself for letting someone get that close, and other sad bullshit. i think i could work through Zakk and get mutual love out of him but it would be hard. but i don’t really care though cause i know he got some meat down there and he has a pretty face so idgaf! <33 + i know deep down there he is a lovable man. for his green flags, he’s a sweetheart when you get to love him, as i’ve said before. he’s very capable of genuinely caring and loving, it’s just hard to get him to do so. we love our boy Zakk no matter what.

.☠︎︎. ⚂ .⛧.♫.

MY HEADCANONS ON THEIR RED FLAGS AND GREEN FLAGS! I LOVE THEM! I LOOOOVE THEM!

[bonefall]

You've said you want to show stigmatized disorders in positive lights in BB; any characters planned to have NPD traits? It's very much seen as the 'big bad' of PDs, so seeing it in a positive portrayal would mean a lot to me

The biggest reason why I don't currently have any planned is because I've tried like 3 times to sit down and do my research, and can find no good leads to personal accounts of what it's like to live with NPD

It's SO stigmatized that finding good accounts and resources has been impossible. I feel good and confident with BPD because I know someone who has it who's happy to talk about it, and they gave me access to the resources that their therapist gave them.

When I'm unsure of something, I ping them like, "babe does this look good?" and we chat about how to better approach the writing, if there's any unfortunate implications that may be accurate but are best avoided, good characters to pick to dispel stereotypes etc.

(good example is when I was considering Hollyleaf having it; since she has a very long arc about betrayal, murder, and political tyranny, we decided it might be unproblematic but it was a pretty uncomfortable thing to do to a BPD character when the disorder is already so stigmatized and associated with unreasonable fear of rejection.)

So, it's personal experience. Secondhand, yes, but still personal. Without them, I have a hard time even getting first-person BPD accounts without drowning in a deluge of,

"OOGABOOGA BPD BAD HOW TO RECOVER FROM EVIL WOMAN DISORDER ABUSE"

I really, sincerely do not want to accidentally stumble into the 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me' of NPD, if that makes sense, and walk away with a dehumanizing or inaccurate idea of what it's like to have it.

(side note: jesus christ IHYDLM is written like instructions for how to train a grizzly bear and i both cant believe it's the authority on BPD and am not even remotely surprised)

If you have good pointers though, like, forums I can visit, books I can read, websites with resources for people who have NPD, I'd appreciate it so I can finally do some research without being exposed to 3 sieverts of radiation poisoning from google's top results

[charmixpower]

Riven: Like I said. Any challenge you pick. Winner becomes leader of the Specialists

Sky: Riven, it's really not like you to be so… so serious

Riven: People change, Sky.

Sky: Fine. Fencing!

I think the acting like this is new behavior and not a regression of his character is actually more infuriating, also I only did fencing once several years ago and the depiction of it is so fundamentally terrible that it drives me insane. Why are they FENCING LIKE AN ACTUAL SWORD FIGHT OH MY GOD

Also once again Brandon would be the best leader because he's not insane and has charisma and can actually talk to people without making them hate him, I'll also take Timmy but he'd fucking hate being the leader and would die anytime he needed to do public speaking or make a split second decision

Riven: You got me. I give up. You will always be leader of the Specialists. And I will always be runner-up

No, Brandon is runner up and Sky shouldn't even be the leader in the first place. Go take several seats. Riven would never give up like this, and I'm one hundred percent certain that he's not giving up this is just poorly written dialogue

Sky: Give yourself some credit. It was an even match. If you kept your cool, you probably would've won

Riven: It's not just this match, Sky. No matter how hard I try, or how close I get, I always come up short. If I don't change something, I'll never reach the top

This??? Is interesting. Like. It's an acknowledgement of the past 5 seasons that it retconned in a character focused!! If you put a little more pressure on him feeling useless and wanting to be able to help against all these high level threats, and really focused on how hard he constantly tries to catch up but reminds stead fast behind Sky getting no where close to be genuinely useful—that would be beautiful, I'd be obsessed with it!!!! Drama and all it would be really fun!!!

That would absolutely be an interesting direction to take ALL the specialists, and just cut Nex while you're at it we don't need him. Or make him into an antagonist????

Imagine a magical specialist who constantly mocks the boys about never being useful to the girls and it really upsets Riven (because he's Riven) and he majorly over corrects! All while Brandon and Timmy are trying to drag him into calming down by his hair

What I hate about it, and what's so s1 about it is that he wants to be at the top. Babe. Your girlfriend can destroy you with her pinky finger

I'm imagining a good version of s5 where he's just freaking the fuck out over being useless and making it a entire issue™ because my BPD king (and his gf, the BPD queen) cannot not do that. And it's ALL the feelings godbless

That would also feel like a continuation of Riven's chilled out personality from s2. Yes he still takes people WAY too seriously, but after being kidnapped by Valtor and nearly being murdered by the Trix he had some perspective. He's just a silly billy

You can have relationship drama where no one is the "bad guy" Winx club, STEP AWAY FROM STELLA

[thedevilscarnival]

Have you seen the original Dead Ringers movie?

I have a friend who loves it but hated the new series, is the Amazon series any good?

yes ive seen the original film! its one of my favorite movies of all time actually, and cronenberg is my favorite director.

the amazon series, hm, well i find it to be very, VERY fun, but it shouldn't be seen as an adaptation but rather a reimagining. you know how the nbc hannibal tv show is completely different both stylistically (and erotically) from the original films & books? comparing dead ringers 88 to dead ringers 23 is similar in that regard. the tv show throws all subtlety out the window to be as absolutely gross and yucky disgusting as it can possibly be and is way, WAY more about the inherent horror of pregnancy than doctors exploiting their patients. i like gross and yucky disgusting so im having a great time.

tldr if youre the kind of person to look at a bpd babe having an absolute mess of a breakdown and go "god i wish she'd [redacted] me" the 2023 version is one of the best examples of that on the market

[television-pil0t]

Also the reason I was seen to be schizophrenic was mostly because when I was going though it 🤭(that’s not funny at all I lost all my friends) I was having all the schizophrenic symptoms when I was psychotic/ still am it takes a week or something idk. Still taking my meds even tho a good part of me is telling me to stop being there bad I’m gonna ignore it because that’s literally textbook psycho.

I think my last diagnosis was being schizoaffective. I have to ask my parents for the paper because I’m genuinely curious.

I’m pretty like 99% sure I’m diagnose schizoaffective because of how much it was talked about like “are you ok with this.” But also just the very very violent nature of me kinda pushed it a lot. If it’s not aspd it’s definitely bpd and schizoaffective. It would explain both the loss of emotions yet the full scale emotional range. The anger, the violent thoughts, the depression, the hallucinations and delusions I have on a very frequent basis. And the mania since bpd didn’t have manic episodes it has euphoric episodes but I do experience mania from time to time.

They also gave me some Anticonvulsants with I haven’t taken but they control violent behavior and mood swings so 🤷🏽‍♂️

They also talked to my parents about more than just therapy but full of skill training which i didn’t even know that was a thing but it’s basically like a group that teaches you how to show emotions and interact with other humans in a human way. How to react to things. How to.. be normal basically.

But yeah. So

So I don’t think I have aspd because I’ve genuinely loved people before. Exhibit A is my MOTHER as exhibit B is everyone else in my damn life. I just forget what the feeling is like and then forget I ever felt it and then spiral from them. It’s more of a me thing and how I genuinely need to think like a normal person and stop wanting to be actually.. worshiped but yeah.

I loved my mommy even tho she did bad things.

I love my friends even though I have no internet to them almost all the time.

I loved all my exs.. including Simon, khye… actually that’s it. Everyone else sucked it was only them..

Edit: so.. reading over everything I said for the past very long time of saying how much I wanna hurt Simon and kill my parents.. I should’ve been.. checked in.. a very.. very.. very long time ago. :/

“I can’t believe that faggot would treat me like this I’m gonna bash his brains in” is NOT normal💯🅱️🫵🏾 it was very clear that I was having a episode for a very long while.

Cuz at first I was like “what the fuck like this episode was so short like a few days.” Bro look around💀 look at your leg. Look at your tumblr. You talked about killing this person so much you forgot you felt the emotion love bro. It wasn’t a few days.

Thinking about it MORE I remember having a conversation with him (kinda remember) where I was like “I just don’t remember anything that happened today. I don’t fucking know lol” what was the funny part about that sentence babe🤨 we’re waiting to laugh.

“I never loved him.” Bro a few days ago you typed a poem about how much YOU DID love him? What are you on rn?? NOTHING AND THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ISSUE. What do you mean you never loved your mother. Bro be so fuckin fr that was your day 1 hold it down one and only homie till y’all die bonnie and Clyde bitch right there. You did everything for her💀 your only alive because of her. Whatchu mean?

“I never loved daemon.” Yes. Ya did.

“I never loved Simon.” Bro it was 3 years where you cut and cried over him for a few.. DAYS. Let’s be fr babe🤭 I know you where having a really bad episode for a few months but let’s come back down to reality. Be real. It was 3 years and you literally DIDNT wanna break up with him. You said take a break because your stomach PHYSICALLY was HURTING at the thought of breaking up with him💀 try that shit again bitch ass nigga and I will beat the sit outta you (talking to myself.)

[satansxlapxcat]

Motivation. Who is she and where can I find her?

Lately, I'm not sure about you, but my timeline has blown up with content around getting your body in shape for summer.

"We're only eight weeks away from getting our bodies outside! Get that waist teeny and that ass tight!"

I mean, yes, hell yes, I want to be the baddest babe out on these Seattle lakes this summer. The thing is though, where on Earth do I find the motivation to get going balls to the walls in the gym?

Two years ago (omg - two whole years), I was in great shape. Going to the gym three times a week and watching what I ate - When I think back to that time though, a lot was different.

First off, things were only just opening back up as long as you masked up. Second, my job required almost no thought for me because it was a low level RC job at one of the big Seattle tech firms. Third, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend did most of the cooking. I didn't have many plans with friends because we were still sticking close to bubbles, I wasn't burnt out after work, and I didn't have to worry about making dinner and could come home from the gym, kiss my boyfriend hello while he was cracking into dinner, shower up, and that'd be it.

Long story short, I had more time.

At the beginning of this month, I started a new (and so far the easiest) planning ritual. I color code activities I do either on a weekly or monthly basis, plan out what days I will do what, and that's my schedule for the month. It's been great so far for everything! Everything except, you guessed it, working out.

While I do still somehow make time for the gym twice a week - barely - it's likely not on the days I've 'scheduled'. And even then, I am absolutely dragging or figuring out a way out of it.

Today for instance, I got amazing news from work (a director in my org sought me out for an open position and while my VP said she'd 'cry her eyes out' if I left my department that she'd welcome it if it meant growth in my career), so I decided that I'd skip the gym and let myself celebrate a bit. Celebration meaning having a glass of wine, poured to the brim, up on my rooftop in the chilled but sunny Seattle early evening, and reading more of a book I'm stuck into.

Why on earth would I celebrate wonderful news (being highly regarded at work - wow) by going to the gym?

Honestly, I wish I was more like my dad in this regard. His coping mechanism is going to the gym. He goes. Every. Day. That's how he deals with anything - by doing something active. If I would've grown up in his house instead of my BPD mothers maybe it'd be easier for me to dig up the motivation to go to the gym more often...

But this also isn't just a difference from my situation two years ago versus now or how I wish working out was my coping mechanism, I think deep down it's a difference in how I feel about my life.

Two years ago, sure, I had more time and a boyfriend who did wonderful things like cook dinner most nights. What I failed to let sink in at the time was that I also felt that I had lost all direction in my life and had no control over what was happening to me. Classic pandemic vibes, right?

I'd lost my (still favorite) job in the entertainment industry which was an industry I wanted to be in forever and made a career plan for, I had been unhappy in my relationship for months, and everything felt like it was crumbling around me and I'd never be on solid ground again.

Here comes the obsession with my weight... ⚠️ TW ⚠️

The only thing I could control was how I looked. What I ate and how hard I pushed myself at the gym were the only things I had absolute control over. Not my feelings (I had only just started therapy at that point), not my career (pandemic, remember?), and certainly not how my boyfriend wished I was someone I am not (maybe I'll talk about that another time).

So I went for it. I counted every calorie, only drank on Sunday's because football and even then made sure to count the liquid calories, I tracked all of my workouts and did cardio until I almost couldn't breathe - I let it consume me.

As the pounds came off, I was happy I was reaching my high school weight, my tummy was flatter, I had a thigh gap for the first time ever in my life - I felt accomplished, but in the end it didn't actually make me happy. I was still in a dead end job, still unhappy in my relationship, and still not able to see my friends the way I used to.

Honestly, I am not sure if it's a lack of motivation so much as how much I really feel like I need to make my waist smaller and my ass fatter. Certainly, no one has ever turned me down before. Do I wish I had a flatter tummy and slimmer facial features? Sure. But that's between me, societal beauty expectations, and my own inner critic.

I mean I'm not out of shape, hell I climb 160 floors on the stairmaster and kick ass in a boxing class every week, but I know that I don't want to go back to the mental place I was in to get the body I had two years ago. She was boarding on an ED with the way she would try to compete with herself to eat less calories than she was allotted that day.

I don't want to be her again, but it would be nice to find a way to get the motivation to maybe look more like her.

[pinkietard]

I wanted to stab her for crying that much, calling repeatedly when I told her to stop. I wish you heard the call yesterday, she asked me " WHY DO YOU NEED HANNAH THAT MUCH??" I wanted to put it into words that she'd understand and I said " you know how you have bpd, and there's a favorite person. If I had bod, she'd be my favorite person" and she screamed at the top of her lungs, crying, sobbing her fucking eyes out

"I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER, WHY IS SHE TALKING YOU AWAY FROM ME"

"SHES NOT"

"YES SHE IS, HOW CAN YOU PUT HER ABOVE ME??? WHY IS SHE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE"

"BABE IDK ITS NOT LIKE THAT, YOURE PUTTING SHIT IN YOUR HEAD. It's been like this for years and you never said anything"

And then she screamed, broke her drawer, threw her water bottle and I had to listen to it all the way back home from my walk

"I'm blocking her, I hate her, there's nothing that can be said. I can't stand being around anyone more important than me in your life, it's not like we call anyway"

I was empathetic the whole way there, not a sliver of attention for what she had been saying about you. I told her before we started dating that if she had tried to come between me and you in any way in would be over

[444sadgirl]

yes babe you have bpd, beautiful princess disorder

[aparticularbandit]

me, considering eve, and getting to the wait, are you neurotypical conversation.

like, yes, eve has abandonment issues, but they're not to the point of causing a personality disorder (eve does not have bpd).

she doesn't have an anxiety disorder, although she does occasionally worry about things within context of yeah, maybe these are things you should be concerned about (kissing your employee? probably something you should be worried about. falling in love with an 18/19 year old when you are over twice his age? probably something you should be concerned about).

she's not depressed, as far as i can tell. (you can make the argument that she is deeply dissatisfied with her life, and i will wholeheartedly agree! but i don't see her showcasing signs of depression.)

she doesn't have an eating disorder.

she does have a porn addiction (she calls it a habit, but eve, babe, you're addicted), but that's...addiction isn't a disorder in and of itself (substance abuse is, but eve isn't a substance abuser).

i don't see eve as having any personality disorders (bpd, narcissistic, antisocial, dependent, obsessive compulsive (ocpd is different from ocd, but let's not get into it here)).

like - eve is very passive and not likely to take initiative, which, like, maybe you can give her dependent, but i don't think it fits with show!eve, who is much more active in deciding what she wants and going for things than book!eve (you can make a case for book!eve having dpd, but i feel like that fits much better with the finding family version of agnes than it does even with book!eve).

i don't think she's autistic or adhd, although i think you can make a case for being on the autistic spectrum maybe (i just don't see it).

like.

eve, hon, i think you are maybe the most normal neurotypical human being i have ever written, and i love you.

[herhighnessthequeen]

Tips that have helped me with my depression.

Disclamier: These are things that have helped me personally stay busy but happy after an attempt. Take what you need and leave what you don’t bb <3

‘Just do it’ mentality - Trust me the last thing I want to do is chores and let’s face it simple hygiene stuff like brushing your teeth, showering etc. However, since my recent hospitalization, I have forced myself to get back into a routine and back to human civilization. So if I don’t want to wash the dishes? Annalee, fuck it and just do it! Laundry? Annalee, fuck it and just do it! Fake it till you make it right?? It saves my mind at the end of the day.

Cleaning - I hate it so say it but it’s true, a clean space is a clear mind. Start small! Bedside table, washing your bedsheets, clearing your bathroom counter. Small steps and go at your own pace! Each task is a step to a cleaner and more organized space.

Therapy - personally I have a therapist which I highly recommend but thanks to terrible healthcare in the U.S it’s out of grasp for others. Now this one may not be for everybody, depending on the circumstances. But bb its time; therapy, shadow work, self reflection, even healing you inner child is a start. Ex: Going for ice cream and eating it at a park was a great start for me and my inner child. There are almost plenty of resources for free therapy, most depend on your location. Please approach that cautiously and safely 

Meals - Being in the behavioral hospital was overwhelming but the thing i’m surprised it helped me with is recognizing my hunger cues. Most of us are not breakfast people, and I am definitely not one but it’s what has been keeping me going; and by going I mean out of bed (even if I go to bed right after i’m done) Please eat bb, you deserve it.

Finding a hobby - Most people might have this one down and other may not but find something that makes you happy even if you’re not good at it. Mine is plants, i’ve killed a couple a lot along the way but spending time on them brings me true joy. Find that spark again

Self Isolation -  Living with BPD has been a challenge when it comes to me isolating myself, so i’ve said fuck it and started making plans with friends and it’s been working?? Sure there were some cancelations but some real connections made non the less. Say yes to the friend that you always cancel on! I know it’s hard but it’s like a work out, you feel so great afterwards! (I’d take this with a grain of salt because I know how hard it is to be around certain friends. Triggers, snide comments etc)

NO FRAUDS - In the words of Mrs. Minaj. I don't need no, frauds. I don't need no, drama when you call. I don't need no, fake. Coming from someone who just let go of her FAVORITE PERSON (bpd term?) recently I know it’s fucking hard to let go but I needed it and have been feeling so much better without the dead weight. If someone has come to your mind after reading this chances are you need to let them go bb!!

Delete the playlists babe! - Delete the Mistki, delete Marvin’s Room by Drake, delete godspeed by Frank, delete any songs that you usually cry in the car to. Trust me this isn’t the mania talking, just delete the sad/heartbreak playlists

If you’ve completed all of this and feel like it’s way too much, I completely understand and by all means go at your own pace and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!! Personally all of these have been keeping me out of bed and not self-loathing 24/7. Maybe it’s mania, maybe it’s not but it’s been keeping me going for more than 6 weeks?  xoxox

-Your Go-To Bitch

[darkestcorners]

idk if I sent this question already but,

Jungkook in polarity, tends to shut down any attempt on oc telling him she hates him. Like in the first chapters and she was only able to truly tell him this last chapter. I wonder, and idk if it's going to explore on the next episode or not.

but I wonder is it because of something his mother had said to him, that he stopped any attempt of oc saying it to him. or is it just because he is just him and he just doesn't like to her. any peculiar reason?

thank you, omg I'm so excited.

Hi babes! ❤️ Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy the next chapter ! I’m excited for u guys to read it :)

I think you’re right in leaning towards it having to do with a particular moment in his childhood involving his mother . The next chapter may reveal more about that and we may see some more glimpses of his resentment towards his mother ( however I think chapter 4 of his POV will reveal even more so I’m excited to post that later on ) But yes, I think you can assume that he feels those words can take him back into that dark time in his supposed childhood and he may make a connection to his mother ‘rejecting’ him .

However, it also is part of his overall character. I think I’ve mentioned this before but Polarity JK could be considered a grandiose narcissist to a certain level, he’s entitled, arrogant and is overly confident most of the time. He still comes off charming and likeable to others but he’s also quick to anger when confronted ( that also ties into his bpd ) but he seems to lack empathy for others except for when it comes to the MC ( and even for her at times, he’s not very empathetic when her distraught feelings aren’t towards him ) . He craves validation but only from her , he really feeds off her neediness because he himself is very needy for her attention and praise. So I think part of the reason he seems to be petrified of the MC outwardly saying she hates him and rejecting him is one, a massive blow to his ego & two, him actually being scared the only person he has essentially put on pedestal and idealized so much could potentially not return those feelings for him.

Towards the end of Chapter 4, you can see how much Jungkook craves for the MC to eventually love him back, in that small moment of vulnerability, you can see his confident demeanor break for a second. I think it’s safe to say his worst nightmare would be the MC actually truly hating him!

[thebadboyfanclub]

The Sun And Moon (Pete Davidson x Reader)

Heyyyyyy besties! So I'm back with another white boy of the month. I would like to warn you that this will be mentioning Pete's BPD and the reader will be mentioned as somebody that has had traumatic experiences however i am not mentioning what does that imply so don't worry about it. Other than that I hope you enjoy!

Being with Pete was almost a gift and a curse, you were so different yet so alike. The ultimate example of twinflames, the yin and yang. If someone had to describe what you two were like was that (y/n) was like the sun, a warm personality with kindness and such just overall this untouchable beauty from inside and out, also she adores to be under the sun, Pete sometimes found her as she laid on the floor next to her cat just so she can enjoy the warm rays, sometimes she would have her crystals (Pete called them "magic rocks") which Pete found so adorable, also as the weather got warmer she got happier.

Pete was the moon, a little bit more moody, mysterious, yet alluring, he intrigued anyone that was around him. Unlike (y/n) Pete was a night owl, he liked late night drives, staying up all night just smoking weed and watching movies, he liked the silence that the nightfall brought, he felt more at peace with the idea of relaxing and enjoying the darkness that others feared. Many times (y/n) woke up in the middle of the night and found him on her balcony, just sitting there and enjoying the view.

People around them brought up that comparison so much that they even got it as a couples tattoo, (y/n) got the sun behind her ear and Pete got the moon on his left middle finger cause he found it funny. However the curse was that they had to learn how to be around one another, yes they had similarities but they weren't quite the same situations.

Pete was a comedian, (y/n) was an author, both of them had to sometimes sit their ass down and think of something to write, but the circumstances were different. 

"Baby I'm here"

Pete said as he shut the door of (y/n)'s apartment, dropping his pair of keys on the bowl that she had conveniently placed on a piece of furniture right next to her front door. Pete waited for an answer while taking off his shoes, (y/n) liked structure and she was a very neat person, another thing Pete had to learn, he wasn't dirty but he was a tad bit of messy so when he was at her apartment (which basically had become his also) he was careful with how he did things.

Silence greeted him back, he sucked in his teeth as he realized exactly why this was happening. (Y/n) had mentioned that she was writing the second book of her fantasy novel and she was in a bit of a writer's block, she had so many fresh ideas however when it came to writing them down sometimes her mind just wouldn't co operate and she just couldn't get it down in a way that she found right. He left the take out food on the small coffee table and continued to walk towards her bedroom. 

There she was, slightly laying back on her leather chair with her laptop in front of her, just staring at her screen and occasionally pressing a few buttons. The door was somewhat open so he could take a good look at her, her hair was down, she was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt she had accidentally spilled bleach on so now it was a house shirt and no socks, she hated wearing socks. Pete knocked on the semi closed door to get her attention.

"Oh I didn't hear you come in"

"I figured, what are you doing here babe?"

"Regretting my decision on signing the contract for a second book"

She mumbled when Pete approached her and leaned down to press several kisses on her neck and cheeks. (Y/n) smiled and enjoyed the feeling of comfort he brought her before shaking her head and pulling away from him.

"I need to finish this chapter"

"What you need to do is eat, I'm pretty sure you skipped breakfast"

She knew he was right, that's why she didn't respond so she just kept on staring at her laptop screen, hoping that miraculously an idea will come to her head. She deeply appreciated his concern but she felt the pressure of her publicist that called everyday to ask about the book, today was one of the few days she chose to not pick up the phone. Pete once again was met with silence although that didn't stop him from placing his hands on her shoulders to give her a massage.

"Come on sunshine, you can take a break and clear your head"

"Pete I have to write thousands of pages in a short amount of time, it's not just fucking punchlines"

Pete's face made a sour expression at her jab. It did sting a little bit yet he tried to understand that she was just overwhelmed with the responsibility of delivering on time. He took a deep breath before patting her on the head and turning away from her.

"I'll be in the living room"

For some time she felt relieved that he left so she could refocus, however after a few moments when she started to see her reflection on the screen she started to realize what she had done which was awful. She felt so bad that she had to shut down the screen and close her laptop so she wouldn't look at herself, she spoke in such a disregarding manner that she felt disgusted. With tears already clouding her eyes she got up and found Pete watching TV, the take out in front of him and it didn't take long for her to notice that he had bought her favorite making her feel even worse. She stood in front of the TV and Pete looked in her eyes and smiled.

"I'm sorry"

Her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence. Pete's smiled dropped when he saw a year escaping and heard her whimpering voice, he immediately got up from the couch and went to hug her.

"Its okay sunshine"

"No it's not, I didn't mean it I swear"

"I know baby"

"I'm just so… stressed"

She said and let herself relax in his arms as she wrapped hers around his torso, feeling the warmth of his engulf her. His scent went to her nose making her feel safe in his arms as the tears stained his sweatshirt. Pete started rubbing her back to help her let out her emotions, he knew how emotional (y/n) was and he found it cute how she feels like cry no matter what the situation was, she had happy tears, angry tears, sad tears, she saw a dog tears, attending a wedding tears, he didn't mind it though on the contrary he liked that she was able to express her emotions with no fear.

"I understand baby, it did sting a bit though, you know how much I love my work"

"I know, I wasn't thinking when I said it which is wrong"

They had agreed that they wouldn't do the "it's ok" type of shit, they preferred to actually say when something either hurt them or bothered them so they can have clear boundaries with one another, it was one of the best decisions they could have ever made, it was one of the strongest foundations they had for their relationship. (Y/n) looked at him and Pete immediately went to wipe her tears, before pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry"

"I accept your apology. Are you feeling better now?"

"A little bit. Thank you for forgiving me and I will try to do my best to not repeat that behavior"

She responded, her voice now was more steady and clear.  Setting boundaries between them and being clear about the behavior that is acceptable was something they had established early in the relationship, Pete was diagnosed with BPD and (y/n) had trauma from past experiences so they had agreed to see a couple's therapist in order for them to move on with their relationship in a healthy manner, so things like "it's ok" or "you know I didn't mean it that way" were unacceptable, taking accountability for their actions and having the humility to apologize was their key to success.

Pete's smile reappeared and now gave her a kiss on her lips, making (y/n) get a bit of a shiver down her spine. Their kisses always felt so strong, like energy passing through one to the other, it was such a magical experience to them.

"Are we good?"

"Yes, now take a seat and I'll microwave your food"

"Wow, Gordon Ramsey would be so proud of you"

[lostcoves]

ft. tendou satori x fem!reader 

genre: angst with a fluffy ending

wc & warnings: 1.3k | mental health crisis, self harm, blood, hospitalization

premise: tendou can’t bear to watch you spiral out of control, he will do anything to keep you safe 

note: my piece for @doinmybesthere��‘s mental health awareness collab! my followers and moots might not know this about me but i am a suicide attempt survivor and someone with borderline personality disorder so writing this piece was really profound for me. this is based on my own experiences and i can only hope that you can get a glimpse into what living with bpd is like. please don’t interact with this if any of my above warnings are a trigger of yours! thank you and enjoy the story :)

tendou could sense you were spiraling.

he watched helpless, as the girl he fell in love with deteriorated before his very eyes. your smile turned from bright and cheerful to hollow and forced. your eyes, once shined like stars, were empty. worst of all was your behavior.

he didn’t understand why you were so angry all the time, accusatory and defensive. one minute you were affectionate, the next you were proclaiming how much you despised him. what was going on inside your mind?

“babe..” tendou croaked from behind the door to the shared bathroom of your small apartment, “please, please talk to me. i’m sorry for not telling you i was going out. i really am. i didn’t mean to scare you.”

“go away,” was your response. tendou sighed and blinked back tears, “do i need to call someone?”

“no!” you exclaimed from behind the door, “just.. just leave me alone. i need to be alone.”

“you know i can’t do that, bunny. you’re scaring me,” tendou was on the verge of sobbing. moments like these always worried him. he wasn’t sure what you were going to do in the moment.

a hiss of pain alerted tendou and something in his gut urged him to get you out of that bathroom. standing up, he used all of his strength for his volleyball days and broke down the door with a swift kick, “(y/n)!”

you sat on the ground, breath ragged and eyes wide. your forearms were covered in open cuts, bleeding profusely. in your bloody hands was a razor blade.

“no..” tendou fell to his knees, horrified by the sight before him, “bunny.. why did you do that? why did you do that to yourself?”

“t- tori, i think i’m sick,” you confessed, tears rolling down your eyes in fat blotches. tendou grabbed the razor blade from you and tossed it in the toilet, flushing the blade away. he embraced you tightly, “i’m gonna fix this, babe. i- i promise!”

picking you up bridal style, tendou carried you out of the apartment complex and to his car. he buckled you up and drove straight to the local hospital’s emergency room. tendou feared that you nicked a vein when you cut up your arms.

“someone! someone, help my girlfriend!” tendou screamed upon arrival to the emergency room. you were unconscious by the time you both reached the hospital, tendou’s clothes soaked in your blood.

doctors and nurses alike swarmed the two of you, a group of them getting you on a stretcher. you were whisked away for treatment, leaving tendou to stand there alone. he collapsed to the ground and sobbed, his body shaking. his angel, his angel was sick.

“tendou-san?” a nurse approached tendou cautiously. through his tears, he looked up at the nurse and asked, “wh- what is it?”

“(l/n)-san is gonna make it,” she reassured him, “but in order to best help her, we need to know what happened that caused this.”

“we got into a fight and- and-” tendou choked back a sob, “she cut her arms up like ribbons. she’s sick, she’s really sick and i don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“we’ll order a psych evaluation and get to the bottom of this,” the nurse gave tendou a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, “we will help her. i promise.”

“okay,” was his answer.

hours went by, as tendou sat in the waiting room. his phone was buzzing with missed calls and texts from his friends, concerned about your well-being. finally, after waiting for five hours, a doctor called out to him, “tendou-san?”

“how is she?” tendou asked when the doctor walked up to him. the doctor offered tendou a smile, “(l/n)-san is gonna have a smooth recovery. she was lucky to not have cut through any of the veins in her arm. we managed to stop the bleeding and stitch her up.”

“and the psych evaluation?”

“doctor mochizuki can answer your questions,” the doctor stepped aside and a tall woman in a white coat approached tendou, “tendou-san, i’m doctor mochizuki. i performed a psych evaluation on your girlfriend.”

“good to meet you.. what did you find out?” tendou cut right to the chase.

“just to clarify, you’re (y/n)’s healthcare  surrogate, correct?” asked doctor mochizuki. tendou gave her a nod, “yeah. (y/n) has no family and grew up in foster care so she made me her surrogate in case anything bad happened.”

“alrighty then,” doctor mochizuki seemed pleased, “then i’ll be straightforward with you. your girlfriend has a condition known as borderline personality disorder.”

“borderline what?” he asked.

“borderline personality disorder, it’s a severe psychiatric condition that- if left untreated- can result in great harm to your girlfriend,” the psychologist was brutally honest.

“can you make her feel better?” tendou’s throat began to close up, as tears formed in his eyes.

“with extensive therapy and medication, she can live a long and happy life. the best course of action for now is to admit her into our inpatient psychiatric unit.”

“i’m not putting my girlfriend in a mental hospital! she’s not crazy!” tendou yelled, angry and scared.

doctor mochizuki laid a hand on his shoulder, “she’s not crazy, i agree. but she’s very sick and she is at risk of suicide, especially after an episode of that magnitude,” she then added in a soft voice, “it’s for her own good.”

“can.. can i visit her?” tendou sniffled.

“of course you can,” doctor mochizuki smiled, “and our unit has some of japan’s finest psychiatrists and psychologists, one of which is an expert in personality disorders like what (y/n) has. she will be in good hands.”

tendou took a deep breath, “okay.. as long as (y/n) consents. can i see her now?” he paused, “please?”

“of course,” doctor mochizuki stepped aside and gestured down the hall, “she’s in the room over there, first door on the left.”

“thank you,” and with that, tendou gathered his belongings and made his way to you. he carefully opened the door, not wanting to disturb your peace, and shut it quietly. the sight of you hooked up to machines galore and your bandaged arms made a pit form in the center of tendou’s stomach.

“hey bunny,” he whispered, taking a seat next to you on the bed. he caressed your cheek gently and watched as your eyes fluttered open. a groan escaped your lips and you spoke softly to tendou, “where.. where am i?”

“you’re in the hospital. you had.. they called it an episode,” tendou explained.

“an episode?” you asked, still groggy from the medicine. 

“yes, bunny,” his voice shook a bit, “you have a personality disorder.”

“i do?” you were confused, staring up at tendou with those doe-like eyes of yours, “what’s.. what’s that?”

“it’s called borderline personality disorder and it’s making you very sick,” tendou held back his tears, “but the doctors here are gonna help you get treated, okay? they want to take you to the inpatient psych–” he cleared his throat, “the mental health unit.”

“will they help me feel better?” you reached out for tendou’s hand. he took it and held it close, “yes, yes they will. you will be in great hands. i promise, i promise i’ll visit you as much as i can until you’re released.”

“okay,” you sighed and gave tendou a smile, “i’ll do it.”

tendou nearly cried with joy at your answer, “you’re so brave, baby girl,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

a diagnosis like this changed everything but tendou was ready. 

he would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 7

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

8 Years Ago – Age 17

“Y/N, do you know why you are here?” the shrink asked from across the large desk.  You looked down at the typical uniform of a patient at a psychiatric ward.  Yes you knew why you were in here.  A few months ago you witnessed your father’s dead corpse hanging in your living room.  The next thing you knew you were writing a suicide note of your own and your foster parents found it before you could do anything.  Now, you were stuck in a psych ward, probably until you at least turned 18.

“Yep,” came your short response.  

The shrink glanced down at her papers in front of her, going through all of your notes.  “We want to help you as best we can Y/N.  You’ve been through some very traumatic experiences in your life and you’ve witnessed a great deal.  We are going to get you all the help you need.”

3 Months Later

“Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder Y/N?” your psychiatrist, Dr. Wang asked.  

That made your head snap in her direction.  Here you were, still stuck in the psych ward after three months and you weren’t sure why.  “I’ve heard of that, yes.  But I thought I was just depressed,” you mumbled, chewing on your fingernail.  

You were clinically diagnosed with depression shortly after coming here.  

“Well, that’s what we originally thought at first.  But the longer you’ve spent time here, the more I and the rest of the staff have discovered it is BPD.  You’re intense mood swings, combined with your ongoing feelings of emptiness and the intense bouts of anger you have are all signs of BPD. We are going to switch up your medications and that will really help with your mood swings and anger issues.

~~~

 No matter how hard you tried, sleep never came to you that afternoon.  You tossed and turned all afternoon in your bed and nothing seemed to be working.  Not only that, but you were really starting to get more irritable as the day went on and you knew it was time to change the dosing of your medication.  It was like clockwork, every year to year and a half. The only problem was that you couldn’t leave the tower without Steve, Bucky or an anyone else.  How were you supposed to get an appointment with your Psychiatrist if you couldn’t leave the tower alone?  This only increased your anger and frustration as you got out of bed to get ready.    

You brushed your teeth and put on a some jeans and a t-shirt, not really caring what you threw on. All of the specific clothing you wore for work was in the closet of your game room along with your makeup and accessories.  

Upon leaving your room, you saw Steve and Bucky sitting at the island in the kitchen of your shared apartment.  They both looked deep in thought over some paperwork and you assumed it was for work.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen, you were about to head into the elevator as you didn’t want to disturb them, but Steve spoke up and caught your attention.  “Where are you off to?”

“Oh, umm, I’m heading down to my game room.  I’m going to work tonight,” you mumbled out as you pressed the button for the elevator. You noticed it was on the ground floor and it would take a few minutes to get to your level.  

“What time do you plan on being done?” Steve questioned.  

You huffed in annoyance, already irritated as anger began to creep through your bones.  “I don’t know.  Whenever I get done,” you snapped.  Immediately you felt regret, but sometimes your emotions got the better of you when you were in dire need of a medication change.  

“Hey, what’s with the attitude?” Steve commanded as he got up from his seat and stalked over to you, hands on his hips.  You noticed Bucky looking at you from his seat with furrowed brows.  They had never seen you angry like this.  You were always so compliant and easy going.  

“Look, I’m sorry.  I’m just tired is all.”

Steve looked at you sharply, his lips in a thin tight line.  “Alright.  Just make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.  Promise?”

“I promise,” you answered back.  

~~~

In the comfort of your game room, you quickly got to work.  Digging through your closet, you decided on a light pink tank top that said ‘Gamer Girl’ in black letters with two gamer controls on it.  Since your webcam only showed your top half, you threw on a black pair of cotton shorts to be comfortable.  

Next, you put your hair up in space buns, making sure they were situated just right so they wouldn’t be in the way of your headphones.  You put on your typical game night makeup: bright pink eyeshadow with dark smoked out liner, some mascara and blush and you were good to go.  

Turning on your monitor, you began to power everything up and once that was done, you logged in. Immediately your followers started putting in their messages off to the side and you smiled as you read them. You always tried to read as much of them as you could.  

As the night went on, you knew you should pack it up and listen to what Steve said; getting to bed at a descent time and getting rest.  But you were having way too much fun tonight and so were your followers. It was one of the best nights you’d had in months and not just money wise.  

Ignoring the clock you continued to play and interact with your followers with the microphone that was attached to your headphones.  Every so often you would glance to your messages box and see what some of them had said.  Most of them were cheering you on but of course you always had some haters in there as well.  

It was when you noticed the screen name of one of them that made your blood run cold.  JSmith20. ‘It can’t be’ you thought to yourself, trying to keep as composed as possible as hundreds of people were watching you game in this very moment.  

John’s last name is Smith and he always told you how his favorite number was 20, because that was how old you were when you met him.  No, but he’s still in prison.  He hasn’t gotten out.  He’ll be in there for many more years to come.  It had to be one of his friends right?  The same friend that had been delivering those letters to your old apartment.  ‘Yes, that’s right.  It’s just one of his friends trying to torment you’ you thought to yourself.  

Then, the person behind that screen name typed a message into your message box.  

Hey babe.  Do you miss me yet?  I can’t wait to see you – J

Yep, your composure went out the window reading the message.   Then another message from him popped up.  

I see you are no longer living in that little one bedroom apartment.  Did you really think you could up and move and I wouldn’t be able to find you?  Oh babe, how cute.  I will find you and we will meet again soon.  I promise – J

As you stared at the words on your screen, you heard groans from the other players on your team.  You had just lost the game.  

“Shit,” you swore, anger bubbling up inside of you.  “Fucking damnit!”  You slammed your fist on the desk.  

You rarely lost games. Losing always put you in a foul mood. But because of already being irritable and your emotions on over drive, losing just made everything worse.  

Looking at the clock it was just before five in the morning so you logged off and shut everything down.

You took your hair out of the buns, immediately feeling the tension in your head ease.  Ever so quietly, you opened the door and poked your head out into the hallway.  It was bitch black so you used your phone as a flashlight and tiptoed to the elevator. Before pressing the button on the elevator, you paused.  What if the noise of the elevator woke up Steve or Bucky?  You had promised Steve that you would get to bed at a descent time and seeing as it was just about five in the morning, well, you kind of figured you’d be in trouble.  

Instead, you opened the door to the stairs which was situated right next to the elevator.  At least taking the stairs would be much quieter.

You climbed the stairs up a few levels until you reached your living level and you waited on baited breath for a few moments.  Nothing. Nothing but silence.  As quiet as a mouse, you snuck through the door and dashed to your room, thanking your lucky stars that the palm scanner didn’t make any noise.  

You took a nice hot shower, washing off all of your makeup and the stress of the last few hours.  As much as you wanted to forget John messaging you, it wasn’t going to happen, neither was any sleep.  

Rather than even bothering to get into bed and try to relax, you sent an email to your psychiatrist letting her know that you would more than likely need a dose change on your medications.  Frantically typing away at the email, you explained how you were beginning to get irritated and it was harder for you to control your bouts of anger.  

Luckily for you, Dr. Wang was an early bird and she emailed you right back.  She wanted you to come see her for an appointment and your heart immediately dropped.  That wasn’t going to happen as one of your rules was that you weren’t allowed out of the tower by yourself.  And as much as you liked Darcy, you couldn’t trust her to go with you and not say anything to Steve or Bucky.  

Typing out your reply, you explained that you were unfortunately not able to meet in person and if there was anything else that could be done.  After you hit sent, you began to pace in your apartment, clearly on edge with everything going on.  You just wanted to feel better; you hated feeling this way.  It was as if you weren’t in control of your body and you definitely weren’t in control of your emotions.  

A notification came through your laptop and you rushed towards it, almost tripping over your feet. As you read her words, you could have cried right then and there.  She had agreed to a phone call appointment and she had time right now to discuss things with you.  

Grasping your phone, you dialed her number.

“It’s good to hear from you Y/N,” Dr. Wang stated as she answered the phone.  

“Oh Dr. Wang it is so good to hear your voice.”

She let out a soft chuckle. “Yes, it has been a little over six months since we’ve last spoken.  How are things going with you?”

“Where to begin,” you started off saying.  You let her know that you indeed met your soulmates and had moved in with them. You went over the rules that Steve had given you and she made you feel better as she stated she had seen way worse rules.  Hell, she said your rules were like a walk in the park compared to some she has heard.

“Alright, now, let’s get down to business.  How are you feeling these past few days?” she asked curiously.  

“Ugh, not good. Moving was stressful but I have been feeling really irritated over the last few and I’ve had a few bouts of anger rush through me that makes me want to punch something, but I’ve luckily been able to hold back on that.”

“What about any risky behaviors such as reckless driving, spending sprees, binge eating, drug abuse or sabotaging anything positive in your life?”

“Not yet,” you stated. You knew the routine.  She was going over all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder to see what has changed with you.  

“Ok good.  How about any intense fears of abandonment or rejection?”

That question always hit you like a punch to the gut.  The only reason you had stayed with John for so long was because of that right there. He purposely wouldn’t let you see Dr. Wang or he wouldn’t take you to get your medications refilled and because of that, you were starting to feel those feelings; not wanting to be abandoned no matter what.  

“Nope,” you replied.  

“Ok then.  I am going to increase the dosing on your current medications but I want to warn you.  Without you coming in and personally seeing me and without getting some blood work done, I don’t know how well this dosing is going to work, if it will work at all. We might need to discuss changing the medication all together,” she stated.  

“I understand Dr. Wang. And do you think maybe you could prescribe some sort of sleep medication for me too?”

“I can prescribe a one week trial of a sleeping medication for you.  After that, I really need you to try and come see me in the office and we can discuss that further.  Now, did you want me to send these prescriptions into your regular pharmacy?”

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much Dr. Wang.”

“No worries at all Y/N. Give the office a call and get an appointment set up.”

“I will.  Thanks again.”

Now that you had your medications all taken care of, you had to figure a way to leave the tower so you could get them.