#yeah yeah I’m 23 years old and I don’t think I care about my wishes being childish

[masochismustango]

mood: find all my monster high dolls I had in my childhood

[bittersw33t-lotus]

Surprise

Ghosting pt. 1

Simon “Ghost” Riley x Fem! Reader

Cw: swearing, unplanned pregnancy, mentions of abortion, angst, arguments, abandonment, younger Simon, story takes place when he’s 25 and you’re 23.

Part 2 here

“kids?”

“What about them?”

“Would you ever want any?”

It was yours and Simon your one year anniversary. It was nothing special, just some takeout and card games with a movie playing in the back. You don’t know how the conversation of your futures came to be but you both knew it had to be said at some point in your relationship. You asked what Simon planned to do once he got older and retired from the military. He asked you questions about your plans as you grew older. That’s when you decided to be the one to bring up the very question that tends to either strain or strengthen a relation, children.

“No. Hard pass. I don’t do well with them nor do I want any of my own.” He never meant to say it with such a rude tone but It didn’t bother you much. You knew that there was a deeper reason why with the way his brows furrowed and the tension in the shoulders. You wanted him to elaborate more but you decided against it.

“Yeah I’m not too keen on children. At least right now anyways.” You said placing down your card on the table as Simon continued to examine his cards to find a way to defeat you. He looked at you as you spoke your last words as you kept your eyes on your cards. You liked kids to a certain extent and wouldn’t mind one later on in your life as you settle down or just none at all. You tried not to let Simons words get to you, since you don’t mind a childless life, as long as you had Simon by your side, but sometimes there would be days where you felt lonely without Simon when he’s deployed to his job. There’s also days where you fear he’ll never come back home and you’d be left with nothing to remember him by but memories, pictures and his possessions. A kid would be something that not only would be a piece of him that breathes and moves but they would be the physical embodiment of yours and Simons’ love, something that would keep you two tied to each other.

As nice as a child with Simon would be, you respected his wishes and you would have to come to terms with it. It’ll just be you and Simon, growing old together in a little house on the far side of town where no one can bother you and it’ll just be you, your grumpy (eventual) husband and your animals to keep you company. Yeah, you could live with that.

Hopefully, if he doesn’t die on the job…

“It’ll just be the two of us and a bunch of animals.”

That’s how you’d thought it be. Until it wasn’t.

You sat there on your bed holding the white stick in your hand. The pink plus sign was burning your eyes. You could feel your stomach churning. What the hell were you gonna do? You were panicking. You had been throwing up the past few days, Simon suggested you’d go see a doctor worried you ate something bad or caught some stomach bug but you refused and said you’d be fine thinking it go away within a few days however more things surfaced on your body that caught your attention. You breast grew a cup bigger and felt sore as hell, you assumed it was due to your period, it was due to arrive in a week anyway but you still found it abnormal that your breast swelled up so much. When the week passed you figured it was delayed due to your little stomach bug but another week passed. That’s when the thoughts hit you. You couldn’t be right? There’s no way you could be pregnant. You and Simon were always careful.

That same day of realization you went to the drug store just to be sure. You brought three sticks and each one came out with the same pink plus sign appearing on the little box. What the hell were you gonna do? How were you going to tell Simon? Maybe you don’t. You can just get an abortion and get it over with. Well, maybe it’s best if you tell him either way. But the more you thought about the baby, the more harder it seemed for you to think about getting rid of it.

You never really made your decision on not having kids, you figured that when it happens it happens, but what about now? Simon doesn’t want a baby, but you’re pregnant with the child you created with the love of your life, Yours and Simons baby…

Tears prick your eyes as you stared at the stick. What are you going to do?

Simon was out drinking with his ‘comrades’ so you had some time to yourself before he came back. You needed to plan a time when you’d tell him. But you were beyond terrified. You know having this baby was putting your relationship with Simon at risk. But this was just as much of his doing as yours, but at the same time, your IUD should’ve prevented this from happening.

You tired to gain the courage in the past couple days since you’ve found out, to tell him but you never could. For days Simon could tell something was bothering you, and it wasn’t the sickness you had. It was something that was clouding your mind. He could see in your eyes that something was troubling you.

Simon had just returned to home from the bar, feeling dreadful about having to be deployed once again here in a couple of days, he doesn’t want to leave you. He hates it, he hated leaving you here all alone, he can’t be there to protect you, hold you and love you but his job makes it worth it if it means you get everything you deserve. Even if he isn’t around for long periods at a time.

As he walks into the house you greet him with a smile, he’s a little tipsy but just barely since he still had to drive home, he did enjoy his time with Price, Soap and Gaz though. Even if he didn’t outright admit it.

“How’d it go?” You asked him as you approach him with a small smile. You’re too nervous to give him his usual greeting kiss which made Simon’s suspicions of your worry confirmed.

“It was fine, not too shabby and the boys were okay as usual. I need to ask you something.” He said glancing your direction aa he looks into your eyes like he’s trying to read your mind, he cups your face gently as he approached you. He saw your body tense up, you tried to save yourself by quickly relaxing before Simon could see but it was too late, he already did. That was his que. “There’s something bothering you, I can see it. You know you can’t hide things from me and I understand you don’t wanna talk about it but at least let me help you the way you help me.”

Your throat grew dry, ‘Shit.’ You thought. You could feel your anxiety flow through your nerves as your hand began to tremble slightly. Your silence worried Simon. “Yn…” He called out but you stood silent.

‘It’s now or never, i can’t hide this forever, not when I start to show.” You thought, Simons hand gently rubbed your cheekbones which brought your attention back to him. Your teary gaze met his concerned ones. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry…” You quivered out. You tried to keep your composure but the hormones betrayed your body. “For what? What happened love?” He grew more worried as the tears rolled down your face. He wiped them away with his fingers as he cradled your face, as you both stare into the others gaze. “You promise you won’t be mad, I’m scared you’re gonna hate me, leave me and…” You whisper but Simon cuts you off as he leaned down to take your lips into a soft but passionate kiss, pulling away you look at him such vulnerability as you wrap your hands around Simons wrist gently. “I won’t.” He whispers back to you, his eyes filled with concern and love in his eyes. It makes your heart break thinking about what can happen next.

Your breath hitched before you inhaled and closed your eyes leaning into Simons touch. “I’m pregnant…” it was silent for a hot second. You felt his hands stiffen up but quickly relax as he looked a bit surprised. Your IUD should’ve been working, but he can’t blame you, there’s still a small chance.

“Have you made an appointment?” He asked after a long silence.

“For what?” You look up nervously, your guts telling you things were going downhill soon now, it’s too late you’ve already made up your mind.

“To get rid of it.” He asks you confused but something was telling him something else is going on. It was dead silence after that, you didn’t even need to say anything, the look in your eyes were enough to tell Simon what your intentions were. His hands were stiff it almost felt like a mannequins hands were placed on your face but then they were quickly snatched away from your grasp and face. You gasped lightly at the action. He took two long strides away from you, his eyes were slightly wide and had a blank look in them as he stared at you.

You wanted to call out to him but his eyes alone were enough to tell you that he was about to run. Your heart throbbed and your stomach began to churn again. More tears began to flow and obscure your vision. “Simon…” You called out to him, you refrained from walking towards him, terrified that one wrong move and he’d run and leave you in the dust. But it seemed to trigger him.

His eyebrows furrowed as his eyes began to show frustration. “No.” He shook his head as you sobbed. “Dammit yn I thought we established this. You promised!” He began to raise his voice, his fear coming to light. Not only was your relationship beginning to strain but you were planning to bring a child into this world. His child. All he could think about was his father and his family something he doesn’t want to experience or risk history to repeat itself.

“I’m sorry Simon but I never made a promise! But I truly didn’t mean for this to happened but it did and when I thought about having an abortion I couldn’t bear that thought of it. I know what we had in mind was to not have any kids but I can’t bring myself to get rid of our baby.”

“No we agreed that we’d have no kids, for Christ sake, I’m always at base and deployed. I can die and leave you to raise a baby alone. And I’m not ready to care for a baby, nor did I ever plan on having one.” He didn’t yell but his voice sounded distant like he was guarded. Like how he used to be when you first met him back in high school, stiff as a stone with years and layers of built up walls around him to keep anybody out from his heart and mind, a troubled Simon who was haunted by his abusive father wanting to save his mother and brother the ones who are now six feet under. One that took you years to slowly tear down and let him trust you with more than one few but big bumble in the road but in the end you never gave up on him and always stuck by his side. “I can’t do this.” He didn’t sound like your Simon anymore. He sounded like Ghost now. The Ghost he separated you from, the Ghost that was cold hearted and never cared about anything or anyone else but getting his priorities done and missions finished.

Your breath hitched. “What do you mean?” Your voice quivered. Ghost didn’t even bother to answer you he made his way to the bedroom. “Simon please!” You treaded after him, your anxiety surfacing again.

You walked into the bedroom to see him reaching into the closet and pulling out his bag, already packed with all the gears and items he needed for his deployment. Slumping the strap over his shoulder as you watched made your throat tighten.

It was nothing but silence the whole time as you watched Simon pack away a last minute items he’d need. You watched as he began to tie on his boots. “You’re right,” you finally spoke. Your voice soft as you tried not to let out a sob. “You don’t have to do this, you can keep doing what you do. I’ll keep the baby without you.” Simon just sat there listening to you as he kept his gaze glued to the ground. You couldn’t see what he was thinking with his Balaclava on now but you could see his fists clenched tightly. “I won’t make you go through this but just know, I still love you Simon, but I want this baby. You won’t hear from me asking you for anything at all. Just know once you walk out that door. I’ll be gone, unless you say something Simon...” you stand there staring at him hoping he’ll say something… anything. A sliver of wanting to be around at least or try to work something out but you know it’ll never come. He’s Simon, Ghost, he’s not, and may never be, mentally prepared nor does he have a lifestyle fit enough to raise a baby. Without a single noise Simon gets up and walks past you to the bedroom door, you watch his back, he doesn’t spare you a single glance before he walks out without another word.

After a few seconds, you hear his boots stomp down the stairs, the door opening and slamming shut. Your que to finally let all your sobbing out easing the pain in your throat. You sat on the floor holding your stomach. You were really on your own now. Just you and your baby.

You were lucky you managed to gain contact with your older sister, Stacy, she and her husband had welcomed you into their home with no hesitation, surprisingly. Granted you and your sister had some mending to do but it was mostly cause by your parents. Your mother had always founds way to turn you and your sister against one another when you two were younger. You both always fought and tried to better the other for praise of your mother she’d always compared one over the other, “Your sister is skinner than you,” “You eat like a pig, your sister eats better than you,” “your sister this” or “your sister that”. You mother always tried to make you two compete against the other that both physically and mentally damaged you both.

Your father never bothered with you two, you could never talk to him without every conversation ending in a some form of abuse or never in the right mindset being constantly high off his mind with drugs. But as you grew older you began to see the things your mother did to you and your sister but you never took the chance to make amends, your sister met her then boyfriend and ran away with him the first chance she got, you did the same when you met Simon.

“Are you alright?” She approaches you as you got out the car. The moment you came face to face with her you wrapped your arms around her shoulders and brushed into tears. “I’m sorry!” You cried out. “It’s okay.” She hushes you and cradled your head. “No it’s not, I should’ve talked to you, we should’ve made up long ago but I ran off…”

“And so did I!” She cut you off. “I was the one that ran off first, I was the one who left you in the dust for some guy that turned out to be a fraud. I chose a man over my own sister but I was too dumb to see it. We both made mistakes but now that we’re here, let’s take this chance to make it right.” She wiped your tears from your face. “Now tell me what wrong?” She asks you as you take a deep breath. “Simon left me.” You say, your sisters eyes widen in surprise and sympathy. “Well technically I left but we decided that we were through.”

“Why, what happened?” She asks you as she began to guide you to her house. As you make your way in you wipe your eyes as you think about the memory.

“I’m pregnant.” You start off, your sister is caught off guard and stunned, but she doesn’t speak and allows you to continue. “I found out not too long ago.”

You sister looks at you in shock. “Is that why… Simon…” she tries to ask, you know what she’s saying before you nod answering her question.

“Yeah, we’ve had the talk before. We agreed on no kids because he didn’t want any, me, I wasn’t too sure at the time but now, now I know, I do want this kid.” You say as you lay a hand on your stomach. “I don’t know what to do know. I told him and shit just went down hill. He made his choice and I made mine. I left home, he left because he’s currently on deployment but he’s made his choice not to be in the baby’s life. I gave him the choice to leave because I don’t want to force him into this since he never wanted any in the beginning.” You say, you sit on the soft couch as you both settled on conversing in the living room.

“He’s in the military?” She asks him a bit surprised, she’s still trying to process all this new information about your current situation and your now ex-boyfriend.

You nod your head and rub your eyes feeling the fatigue catch up to you from the past couple of days. You’ve nearly gotten a wink of sleep ever since Simon left, the past two days you were packing up all your things that you needed and wanted to take with you into your car, and you were stressing about where’d you go and be staying up until your Stacy, thankfully, responded back to you and offered you a place to stay at her house. “Yeah, he doesn’t tell me much about it. But from what I’ve seen every time he came back, it was always bad. He’d come home with bruises, sometimes wounds that sometimes looked to be fatal. It always scares me every time he goes, and I sometimes never know when he’ll be back, or if he’ll come back at all.” You explain to her. You leave out the part where he’d be a shell of himself, like a ghost possessing Simon, so unemotional, and you can never forget how scary it was seeing how empty his eyes looked sometimes.

Stacy looks at you, she’s processing all this and trying to her best to listen but she can tell that’s it’s a lot for her to take in. You don’t blame her, you two haven’t seen each other er for over five years, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. “I promise you I’ll only be here for a few months. I’ll find a place to stay for the baby and I before they’re born, we’ll be out of your hair soon.” You tell her quickly trying to reassure her that it’s only temporary and you’re not going to take advantage of your sister’s kindness and willing to help you out, you don’t wanna have the burden of having her worry about you and have a baby in the house. You’ve already become enough of a burden for Simon with the baby.

Stacy shakes her head and gently takes your hand and gently squeezes it. “Don’t worry about it. Take as much time as you need to get back on your feet. You got a kid to worry about now. And granted, it may be hard but I believe in you. You’re a strong woman, I know you can get through this, you always do. And even if you don’t, I’ll always be here to help you.” She says as she smiles at you fondly.

You feel so grateful for her. Your hormones have you all over the place both emotionally and physically. You’re on the verge of tears as you engulf Stacy into a hug once again. “Thanks Stac.” You say, your voice threatening to crack into a sob.

Stacy smiles at you and hugs you back. “Don’t thank me, you’re my little sister, family looks out for one another. Real family.”

꧁——————————꧂

Im debating if this series should have a twist to it. So stay tuned :)

[runnning-outof-time]

Congratulations, I adore your story!!

Could you please do 23 with angst and then fluff? Thank you so much I appreciate it!💕

Thanks so much for sending this in, anon! I’m so happy you like my stories! I decided to go with Tommy for the character and chose “I don’t want to go.” for the prompt because it was the 5 word #23. I hope you don’t mind that. Enjoy! :)

I’D LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! - YOUR COMMENTS & REBLOGS HELP ME WRITE!

Part of my 3.5k Celebration — find more stories here!

To Keep You Safe

Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warnings: season 4 spoilers (like right from the jump), language

Word Count: 1042

Summary: (Y/N) and Tommy discuss the decision to have her go into hiding while the war with the Changrettas rages on.

Things were heating up in the vendetta between the Shelbys and the Changrettas. What both sides thought would be a quick battle had now turned into a full-on war. And after Luca managed to get to Michael in his hospital bed and try to get him to switch sides, Tommy was convinced that no one was safe.

He called a family meeting. He arranged it in the morning and it was set for that evening. The air in the room was so thick with tension that you could practically cut it with a knife. (Y/N) noted that they were currently in the midst of a thunderstorm, which she had a feeling was foreshadowing for what was to be talked about.

And oh boy was she right. Things were quiet between her and Tommy that night. Neither of the two spoke a word to the other before they both went to sleep.

(Y/N) didn’t really sleep much though. No matter how many times she wished it wouldn’t, tomorrow still came.

Soon enough, there was a man in a car sitting outside their Watery Lane home.

“I don’t want to go,” (Y/N) huffed as she crossed her arms. She was aware of how much she sounded like their three year old daughter, but she quite frankly didn’t care.

“You have to, love,” Tommy insisted, not wanting this to turn into something bigger than it had to be.

“Why?” she asked, her one eyebrow quirking upward.

“Don’t fucking start…” he trailed off with a sigh.

“You owe me a reason, Thomas. I’m not just going to be shipped off into the fucking wilderness for no fucking reason,” she harped on, sharing her feelings about the decision that had been made — essentially without her consent — the night prior.

“You know why,” he told her, insisting it was common sense.

“Enlighten me anyway,” she shrugged.

“(Y/N).”

“Tommy.”

“It’s to keep you safe!” he finally came out with it, his voice raising as his eyes went wide, showing the frustration and stress he was currently under. “It’s to keep you fucking safe.”

(Y/N) was taken back by his outburst, but she really should have expected it. She was poking a bear; a powder keg that was bound to explode sooner or later. “You’re keeping me safe here, though. And besides, it was agreed between the both of you: no civilians. No women or children,” she pointed out in a softer voice, recalling the rules of the vendetta that he’d told her a few weeks prior.

“Yeah, I know that was agreed upon,” Tommy started, nodding as a sigh escaped his lips, “but with how things are going…we need to expect everything. And I can’t have you get taken by him or his men as a way to get me. So I need you to go. Just for a little while.”

Silence fell between them as she took a minute to think things over. The last thing she wanted to do was leave Tommy’s side while all of this was going on.

“I don’t want to leave you, Tommy,” was the next thing she said. She couldn’t get through the sentence without choking up, tears brimming up in her eyelids.

Tommy exhaled a breath before he closed the short distance between them, taking her into his arms just as her body began to shake from her sobs. “It’ll just be a little while, love,” he spoke in a soft voice, his chin rested on the top of her head as he rubbed her back in a comforting manner.

They stood like that for a few minutes. (Y/N) had no shame in crying into her husband’s suit coat. She didn’t want to let him go and leave because she was afraid that this would be the last time she’d see him.

“Hey, the car’s waiting outside,” Tommy was the one to speak first. He loosened his hold on her as he did, moving his hands to her shoulders so that he could bring her out at arms length.

“I know,” (Y/N) nodded, sniffling as she wiped her tears away. “I’ll miss you, Tommy,” she added then, looking at him with watery eyes.

“I’ll miss you too, love,” he responded without a second thought, raising one hand to run it down her cheek.

“Make sure you go visit the kids for me…or at least send Pol or someone if you think it’s too risky,” she added, thinking of her children who were currently residing at her parents’ home.

“I will,” he assured her with a nod.

(Y/N) took a moment to look at her husband then, making sure she could commit every part of him to memory. She didn’t know when she’d see him next. Her bottom lip began to quiver as that thought stuck in her mind.

“It’s just a little while,” Tommy repeated what he’d said to her before.

“I know,” she nodded, holding back the tears. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he repeated the phrase, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers. (Y/N) held him there, making their embrace as long as it could possibly be. But eventually she had to pull away, and as she did, she finally decided it was time. “I should go.”

“I’ll come get you when this is finished,” he promised her, their eyes locked as he spoke.

“Just stay alive,” she said to him, sending one last smile her way before they finally broke their embrace so that she could grab her things.

Tommy ushered her outside and made sure she got into the vehicle. He then gave the driver and his accomplice strict instructions on what to do. After sending one last smile to (Y/N), he let them go and headed back inside.

He took two steps away from the door and placed his hands onto the side table sitting there so that he could brace himself as he leaned back against it. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes for a moment, his family flashing in his mind. Then he released the breath he’d been holding and stared straight ahead. This vendetta would be finished soon, and he’d make damn sure of it.

**tags are in a reblog, so that hopefully the notification gets sent

MASTERLIST

[welikeimagines-andfandoms]

100 Random Prompts

1. “I fucking hate you, but I don’t hate fucking you”

2. "I get so hard when I'm around you. I've tried fucking other people and pumping my cock every night and yet my body craves you."

3. “How did you manage to hurt your hand this badly?” “Well I’ve never punched someone before, I didn’t realise how hard peoples faces are.”

4. “I love you and I hate you all at the same time.”

5. “Yeah, sometimes I get sad, but then I look into your beautiful eyes and it’s all better.”

6. “You like when I call you ‘princess’? Will you be my good little princess?”

7. “If you do this, I’ll show you my boobs”

8. “Has the fire revealed any secrets in the 15 straight minutes you’ve been staring at it?”

9. “Please don’t leave.”

10. “I’m here, it’s okay, no one will ever hurt you like that ever again”

11. “Guess we’re the only two idiots in the whole city stupid enough to go to a museum in the middle of a thunderstorm”

12. “You deserve to be looked after.”

13. “Give me a kiss, and everything will be alright.”

14. “I just want to die”

15. “We’ve got to hide!”

16. “Scream my name so everyone knows who fucks you this good”

17. "I'm sorry." "You have nothing to apologise for, darling.”

18. “Bend over, slut”

19. “Ned i postog a nin, ni bant” (When you lie beside me, I am complete)

20. *gets insulted* “aawww thank you.”

21. “Le i velethril nîn” (You are my love)

22. “A warrior out there, but in here, in this bedroom, you’re nothing but a little weak whore.”

23. “I just feel so drained.”

24. “What happened to you to make you so wise?”

25. “If I’m being mean to someone, I’m probably flirting.” “Is that why you’re always mean to (character)?”

26. “Thiol vae” (You look good)

27. “I just did it to make you jealous.”

28. “Stay nice and still for me, baby, just like that. Let me take care of you.”

29. “You know you sure do have a lot of teeth for someone so stupid.”

30. “They do realise I can understand what they’re saying, right?”

31. “Would you like to dance with me?” “only if you don’t get upset if I accidentally step on your foot”

32. “Fuck, I need you so bad!”

33. “I think it’s best I leave”

34. “I’ll never forget you.”

35. “How clever of an insult, and how quickly you thought of it. Very surprising for someone so dim witted.”

36. “I’m not afraid. Please touch me.”

37. “Of course you can stay.”

38. “I wish you well.”

39. “Come down here so I can kiss you!”

40. “Fuck, turn around for me, princess.”

41. “No gûn annin” (Bend over for me)

42. “You look so lovely on your knees, sweet boy.”

43. ���You’re so pretty”

44. “What’s that?” “Trinket, I like trinkets”

45. “You deserve nice things”

46. “Our sweet girls pussy is so tight!"

47. “Take your shirt off!” “Why?!” “Distract them from the pain!”

48. “Darling I’m (hundreds/thousands) of years old, that isn’t vintage/old to me.”

49. “I’m doing this because I want to and not because you told me to”

50. “You belong here, in my arms, forever.”

51. “You lied to me”

52. “Borrow my jacket, keep it nice and warm for me”

53. “You look so divine when you dance.”

54. “You look lovely, Y/N.” “Please don’t lie or pity me so.”

55. “Le vaethor veleg” (You are a mighty warrior)

56. “Ni am gin anin lû hen?” (Can I be on top this time?)

57. “Stop fucking swearing”

58. “aran vuin” (Beloved king)

59. “I hope you don’t mind.”

60. "Those for me, sweet girl?" "Oh! It was gonna be a surprise but yes, yes they are."

61. “I love when you wear a skirt/dress, it’s so much easier to fuck you like this.”

62. “Life doesn’t feel so bad when I’m with you.”

63. “You don’t know a thing about me!”

64. “I failed them! They died and I failed them! It’s all my fault!”

65. “You’re such a little thing, and we can have you anyway we please.”

66. “Trust me, Y/N! (Character) likes you!” “Don’t lie to me!”

67. “Baby, tits arent supposed to be perky and perfect. They’re supposed to be soft and natural and beautiful like yours”

68. “I’m not your servant, I’m not your slave, but you could be mine if you like.”

69. “I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m really sick and I need you to pick me up from work, please.”

70. “It’s alright, my love, don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out together.”

71. “No, stay. You’re warm and soft”

72. “Trust me, I adore you.”

73. “Avo dharo!” (Don't stop!)

74. “You know I could kill you if I wanted to.” “Do it then, I really don’t care.”

75. “I might be little but I can still kick your ass”

76. “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore”

77. “Of course I will serve you, my prince/princess/king/queen/lord/lady.”

78. “You wouldn’t know anything about this (character), but it’s exhausting being this gorgeous, and I need a lot of sleep.”

79. “Its real cold tonight. You wanna come over and keep me nice and warm?”

80. “That sounded dirtier than I intended”

81. “You don’t have to be alright, you know”

82. “How can I love myself, when I’m so draining to everyone?”

83. “Please! I’ve been such a good boy/girl!”

84. “You just want to be used so fucking badly don’t you, sweet thing?”

85. “Please! I was a fool and I can not apologise enough! Please y/n…. Please….”

86. “Do you need a hug?”

87. “Come on, princess, hop on my back”

88. “What you makin’?” “Chocolate cake. You wanna help?”

89. “Don’t leave. Please?”

90. “Why do you always annoy me so much?” “Coz you’re sexy when you’re angry.”

91. “That’s better, isn’t it? You just needed to be filled with my cock”

92. “That’s the cutest sneeze I’ve ever heard.”

93. “Istog an challas perian maer” (You do know what hobbits are the right height for)

94. “Oh fuck, sweetheart”

95. “I’ll punch you in your stupid face!”

96. “Tonight I will be the powerful warrior, and you will be the tiny mortal beneath me. You will worship and praise me like the goddess I am.”

97. “Aaaaww! Aren’t you sweet!”

98. “Hey” “*flirting* Oh, heeeyy” “No! Absolutely not!”

99. “You don’t scare me.” “Yeh, but I bet I turn you on.”

100. “Are you going by to be good for me?” “Ye-yes.” “Good girl. If you do behave I’ll give you a reward.”

[shadowqueenjude]

So I think we can all agree that the Archerons were so weird because they didn’t bicker like real siblings, so here’s a snippet of a fic I’m writing where all the sisters are arguing. This takes place during a dress fitting for Elain’s wedding. Warning: lots of inner circle slander

Nesta scowled at her reflection as faeries fussed over her, adjusting the gown she was wearing.

“You look lovely, Nesta,” Feyre said from the seat beside her. “Easy for you to say,” Nesta muttered. Feyre looked magnificent in an electric blue halter top paired with black slacks and boots. A circlet of small crescent moons lay upon her forehead. “I look ridiculous.” Nesta glared at the gold dress she had been shoved into again. “God, it’s the same as my hair. Can’t you get a red dress, at least? This makes my skin fade out.” At last, the dressers obeyed, pulling the ill-fitting monstrosity away from her body. 

“You looked pretty in that dress, Nesta,” Elain said gently, her hair up in a jumbo bun at the top of her head, wildflowers surrounding the band holding it up. She wasn’t getting fitted today, but she had come to see what dresses Nesta and Feyre would be wearing. Not like Elain would have any difficulty with her dress. She looked perfect in everything she wore, except perhaps that black dress she’d once worn in the Hewn City. It was annoying.

“Quit lying Elain, I looked like wallpaper,” Nesta snapped. Then she sighed. “Red is truly my color, but that blonde bitch everyone thinks is sooo beautiful is always wearing it, so I usually opt for black.”

“Don’t speak that way about Mor,” Feyre said sharply.

“I’ll speak of her however I like, little sis. She’s not my friend, and frankly, she isn’t really even yours.”

Feyre glowered at her. “She saved me from Tamlin.”

“Did she do that for you, or for little Rhys-rhys? Has she ever stood up for you in front of Rhysand? She certainly despises me; thought me fit to throw into the court of nightmares. I highly doubt you’re much different.”

“Yeah, I am. Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch all the time, people would treat you differently.”

Nesta laughed sarcastically. “Because 500 year old uber powerful Fae warriors can’t handle a 23 year old formerly human woman handing their asses to them, can they?”

“You’re really going to start this now, with my wedding just around the corner?” Elain complained. Nesta whipped her head around to her. “Oh, sure! I absolutely care about this sham of a wedding! Feyre’s mate is a jackass, my mate is a jackass, but perhaps third time’s the charm with you, huh, Elain?” 

“Lucien is ten times the man Rhysand will ever be,” Elain said coldly, her temper causing her voice to raise volume. Nesta opened her mouth to say that this doesn’t mean much considering Rhysand is a small boy stuck in a man’s form when Feyre interrupted. “Wait a damn minute. You both despise my husband?” she demanded.

“What gave it away, Feyre?” Nesta drawled. “Me constantly insulting Rhysand, resisting his orders, and declaring him not my high lord? Me not wishing to live with the rest of you? Elain literally leaving Night to get away from him?”

“I thought Elain left Night because of Azriel!”

“Azriel?!” Elain let out a snort which turned into such mirth that Nesta stared. “That broody, brainless bat not man enough to speak about his feelings in any capacity? You think I’d leave because of him? As if! I left because I got tired of your fake family’s fake welcome and decided Lucien was better than the lot of them.” 

“Lucien let me get hurt in Spring!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Feyre!” Elain shrieked, and Nesta gasped. Elain cussing was something Nesta frankly thought she’d never hear. “Lucien told me his side of the story, and it seems as if your head was too far up Rhysand’s ass to realize everything Lucien has done for you!” 

“Just like Feyre never acknowledged the work we did around the house when we were in the cottage,” Nesta muttered. Elain nodded. Feyre stalked up to Nesta and slapped her face so hard her neck tilted. “Oh no you didn’t,” Nesta snarled, and she shoved Feyre into a coat rack, taking her and the rack to the ground. The two of them began wrestling, Elain crying, “Stop, you idiots, stop!” in the background. “Help, there’s a fight going on in here!”

[bebepac]

The Vampires Live On: Part 3

This is part 3 of The Vampires Live On, that started out as a story I wrote as a teen that has evolved into so much more.  

Please feel free if you’re stumbling across this part, and are curious to see what’s happened so far,  check out

Part 1       and  Part 2

I am participating in @choicesflashfics​ prompt #3:  You know I don’t have the self control for that” which will appear in bold. 

The Book:  TRR Pairings:  Liam x Riley  in this decade.   (Gabriel x Alice) in the past Word Count: 1810 Warnings and Ratings:  Mention of Character death:  Rating:  Teen Summary: Liam and Riley go back to Riley’s hometown.  

Song Inspirations: 

Friday I’m in Love:  The Cure

Together Again:  Janet Jackson

Original Post: 02/25/23 at 11:04PM EST.

I laughed loudly  as Liam continued to pepper my face with kisses.  

The old couple sitting across from us on the airplane  were watching us.  I playfully pushed him away from me, wagging my pointer finger at him.

“Liam hands off!”  

“Actually it’s not my hands that are touching you right now, it’s my lips.”  He leaned into me once more  puckering up; I used my hand to stop him, and he kissed my palm that was blocking my face.

“So lips off then!”  

“You know I don’t have the self control for that.”  

“Indeed you don’t.”  

“Besides, I’m madly in love with you and I don’t care who sees or knows. Love is a beautiful thing, and I love my wife.”  

Finally the older woman's face softened.  

“How long have the two of you been married? You two look very young.  You can’t have been married long.”  

Amusement danced in Liam’s eyes as he smiled at me, softly kissed my hand.

“It feels like a symphony of many blissful lifetimes rolled up into one. Spending eternity with her is like a dream that I never wish to wake from.”  

“Liam….”  Now it was my turn to kiss him cuddling closer to him, he wrapped his arms tight around me.  

The two of them had been so many people over the years, learning to call each other by the new names they selected, having modified versions of themselves.

Whereas I think I had settled into who I am, forever Alice at my core, Gabriel liked to mix things up.  He had  a book with pages devoted to each person he had been over the last seven hundred years.  The entries of each person read like they were his character bios, a list of traits for each man he was that he would diligently follow for himself, and for the world, myself included.

Of the people he had been while in my company, I have to say I love Liam the most.  He is strong yet soft-hearted and romantic, truly the best of both worlds.  The old woman was right, though wrong about how old they truly were, but they had not been married long. Though I had been incredibly fond of Gabriel for all of these years, it was when he became Liam that I truly fell in love with him.

  When Gabriel became Liam, it showed me another side of himself. It was Liam that proposed to me, and it was Liam that I married after all these years. It was Liam that decided it was time for us to travel back to my home.  

A few of our “friends”  we had met over the years from other clans made it to the wedding along with some of Gabriel’s family.  I wish that Clara and Max could have been there, but part of me feels like she was.  Over the years, I feel at times I have felt their presence around me.  

We married in a small ceremony less than one year ago.  

When we landed it was an hour drive to my old city. I exhaled deeply when we passed into the Lumberton city limits.

“I can’t believe we finally made it here.”  

“I know, it’s been a very long time.  Longer than I intended Riley, but I made good on my promise.”

“You did.”  

“Where would you like to go first?”  

“The library.  I want to see what articles I can find  from around what happened.”

“I figured, good thing I decided to call ahead.”  

“How did you know?”  

“Because I know you Love."

“Yeah it only took you a few years to get to know me.”  

Liam winked.  “Only a few.”  

When she stepped out of the car,  Riley took a deep breath.

“How does this town still smell the same after all these years?”  

“What does it smell like to you Riley?”

“Like home.”  

Liam held her hand as they walked up to the library counter.

“We’re here to speak with Mrs. Banks.”

“And whom might I let her know is here?”

“Liam, and Riley Brooks-Rys.  I spoke to her over the phone a few days ago. She’s expecting us.”

“Yes, she said she was expecting a couple.  Let me take you back there.”  

My grip tightened on Liam’s hand as we walked down the hallway.  

“Don’t be nervous.  I’m here. We’re doing all of this together.”

Once the door closed behind them, the lady at the desk acknowledged them with a smile.

“Please have a seat.”  

Mrs’s Banks' eyes drifted between the two of them before resting on Riley for a moment.

“Historical mysteries also bring out interesting people investigating them, and we have had our share of them over the years, but it looks like the two of you might have some answers.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“The resemblance is striking.”

“What resemblance?”

“There is only one photograph of the sisters, and you look exactly like them. Rumor has it the body of Alice Hughes was never recovered.  Looks like somehow she miraculously survived the ordeal, because I have to be looking at her Great, great great, grand daughter right now.”

She held out the photograph that appeared to be a news article clipped and preserved within the frame.

“May I see that please?”  

Glancing down at the picture, I didn’t even remember it being taken, but there we were, almost a year before  the incident, smiling in our costumes.  I traced  Clara’s picture, my eyes filling with tears.  

“You look almost exactly like them.”  

I didn’t know what to say.  Moments like this on the fly I had never been good with, and Liam jumped in immediately for the assist.

“My wife was orphaned at a young age and wanted to know more about her family lineage.  She did genetic testing, and her genetics confirmed she has strong ties to this area, so I did a little research, which brought me to this mystery. And for a wedding gift, we have flown here to do more investigation, maybe shed a little light on her family's past. "

He continued softly in a voice Mrs. Banks could no longer hear.

It’s okay to be speechless right now.”

I couldn’t speak, so I only nodded in affirmation.

“That’s a beautiful sentiment, one should know where they come from, and visit with their past from time to time, to know where you’re going in the future.”

“I wholeheartedly agree.”  

“There are several articles published after the incident happened.  You know how to use a card catalog right?”

Liam laughed. “Yes we do.”  

She handed Liam the sheet with the article numbers on them.  

“The articles are on microfilm, located in our mezzanine.”

“We can handle a microfilm machine as well. Thank you very much for having the information I requested.”  

“You’re welcome.  I hope that you find what you are looking for Mrs. Rys.”  

Alone in the mezzanine Liam still spoke in a whisper.  

“What were you thinking when you saw that picture, Alice?”  

“I thought it was the first time I’ve seen her face, in so long where it wasn’t a part of my dreams.”  

“But….”  

“I know what you’re going to say. We were identical twins.  We looked the same. But I don’t see her when I look at myself,  I never did.  I only see myself.   So seeing her for the first time in a very long time is nice, because I have missed her, so very much.”

“I know you do.”  

The articles that were written in that time period did not shed much light on the people that  attacked us that night, only that they were criminals.

  The articles theorized my whereabouts, that I was taken, I was dead, or sacrificed in some satanic ritual, as one of the men was torn limb from limb, which had to be Liam’s doing. There was nothing more to find at the library.  

I wanted to go to the place where it happened.  

A portion of the wooded area was still there.  

“I was wondering would the woods still be here.”   

“It still smells the same to you here as well?”  

“Pretty much. It smells rich and sweet at the same time.”

Vivid memories of  Clara flooded my mind of her, Max, and I walking home talking and laughing.   

In the midst of  the forest, in the very spot were, was a patch of wild flowers.

“What is this? Did someone plant these?” 

“No, it appears this area is considered a community reserve now, because of these wildflowers that are growing here, that are not native to this area, and only grow here, in this very spot.”  

“In the very spot… where me and my sister died.  It’s Clara.  It has to be. She loved flowers. Max would pick flowers for her all the time, and the more haphazard they were, she loved them even more.”

“Then we must get flowers before our last stop this evening.”  

“I feel her here. I feel me here, at least who I was.”  

“It was a very powerful moment.  You can still feel the love the two of you had for each other.  It is imprinted on this area, that spot.  I will never forget how I felt the moment after you took your last mortal breath.”  

“Seeing the two of you lying there, feeling the love the two of you had for each other, was beautiful. But there was something else.”  

“What?”

“Sadness.  There was this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Your sister was sad, but not for herself, but for you, and the life she wanted you to have, that she had willingly given her life for you to have.”  

“But I lived.”  

“Not the mortal life you were supposed to.”  

“But I still lived, Gabriel. I have never regretted my choice.”  

“Not after all of these years?  Giving up mortality, motherhood?  Even something simple as growing old?”  

“Gabriel… that was not the life I was meant to have, because if it was, what happened that night would have never happened to me, my sister, to Max. We would have all had a different life.”

I took Gabriel’s hands in mine.

“With you, I had a different life.  I’ve had  multiple lifetimes. I’ve traveled the world, and seen its beauty and different cultures, something I would have never been able to do given my station allotted to me by birth.  I am thankful you decided to come into the pub that night, and more grateful  that you heard me cry for help.  I have no regrets.  Part of me wishes Clara would have been here and could have been saved that night, but she loved Maxwell so much, even though she never said it to him, but I knew, and I believe he knew it too.  I think she would have died of a broken heart without him.  So it was right for the two of them to be reunited right away.”  

“You really amaze me with your outlook on the world at times, and how you put things in perspective.”  

“Alice was a pretty smart cookie wasn’t she?”

“She is, and that’s only one of the reasons I asked her to marry me.”  

I closed my eyes when Gabriel leaned in to kiss me.  

We had one more stop to make and I knew the next stop would emotionally take a toll on me… visiting my sister’s final resting place.

[construingseacats]

Umireread: Legend of the Golden Witch - Chapter 8: Legend of the Gold

Sat, Oct 4 1986 - 10:00PM

The following contains spoilers for the entirety of Umineko. Please do not read if you are yet to finish it.

Taking a quick second here to say that I’m kind of disappointed that the Steam Version doesn’t play the OP every time you boot it up. I really loved booting it up every day during my initial read and watching it to get myself hyped again. Like yeah, I suppose nowadays I can just watch it on youtube whenever I want, but it’s just not the same, you know?

It’s almost like having the fantasy they’d constructed of their parents shattered by the grim truth of reality is a negative thing or something. Someone should write a 1.1 million word visual novel about that idea

23 year old talking down to a 17 year old moment. It’s always funny how young adults see themselves as full fledged adults rather than kids.

Yeah wow this scene is really going all in on the theme, huh. At first glance, it’s a pretty normal scene of kids being upset that their parents are mad. But really it’s just another proxy of the horrors of truth without kindness.

Saving this as a reaction image for whenever Battler says something perverted.

And so our great countdown begins! Honestly one of the coolest parts of the overall mystery of Umineko is going through the motions of there being a potential 19th person on the island, to there only being the known 18, to Kinzo being dead, to Shannon and Kanon being a single person. So, so good.

Another one of those lines where Ryukishi definitely smiled to himself while writing it. Yeah, there sure aren’t a full 18 people on the island!

Oh, and here’s our first Devil’s Proof - it’s interesting that Battler is the one to bring it up. I wonder if this is a concept that he discovered on his own, or whether it’s another hand-me-down from Kyrie that he’s grown accustomed to.

And hey, Chessboard Thinking! I guess this chapter is just “THEY SAID THE THING” central. I suppose that makes sense given this chapter is basically named after the episode title.

I’m not so fond of it when Ryukishi has a character do something and then immediately use the narrator to talk about them doing it, but this kind of line is really good in my opinion. We picked up on Battler using this type of thinking on the boat in Chapter 1, and now we’re getting confirmation here (several hours later) that it’s something that he picked up from Kyrie. If nothing else, I’m glad that Ryukishi isn’t the kind of writer who’d say this without justifying it elsewhere with an example.

Kyrie caps off this section by saying that her logic is full of holes, but honestly, she lays out a pretty solid deduction. It’s funny how many times someone will get something right and then go “nah that can’t be it”.

Man, my heart really breaks for Maria here. REALLY liking her more than I did first time round. I kind of want to say that she’s even more upset here than she was at Rosa’s mother of the year moment in the rose garden, which is an interesting look into her psyche if so.

God, the cut back to Kyrie here is stark. A 9 year old is all by herself in the hall, practically traumatised, and here’s Kyrie going “hey she can give us the answers!”

What makes this one interesting, however, is that it’s framed as Kyrie trying to cheer Battler up. I’m… not entirely sure I agree with this being portrayed as a good thing? Like, it’s not a conversation Maria will learn about, so it’s not going to hurt her, but being so lackadaisical to someone else’s suffering doesn’t sit well with me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m the world’s biggest advocate for “Don’t set yourself on fire to make others feel warm”, but I kind of wish there was a little more here about care for Maria’s wellbeing from at least Battler (if not Kyrie). I don’t know, this one just feels a little off.

So this is probably going to be my hottest take for the entire reread - but I don’t like this line.

When you read it the first time, it’s a HUGE point of intrigue, and honestly one that causes a lot of readers to perk up and start paying attention. After all, murder mystery, Epitaph talks about sacrifices, and now someone says they’re going to be killed? That’s got to be important.

But the thing is, I feel it’s a little… unwarranted? Like, in hindsight, this line feels way too dramatic. I’d argue it’s unearned, honestly. I’m not dismissing Rudolf’s sentiment behind this line, but given what he’s alluding to - a confession about Battler’s true lineage - it definitely feels like it’s being written unrealistically to make the story seem more mysterious. I just can’t see anyone actually saying this in this specific manner for the given topic.

Of course, a facetious “You’re probably gonna kill me” doesn’t carry the same weight, so trying to find something that keeps the mystery without sounding needlessly obtuse is kind of a have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too situation. I guess I’d opt for something like “There’s something that’s been building up for a while… And it’s gonna come to a head tonight. …Honestly, it’ll be a miracle if I’m still here in the morning.” That’s still a bit needlessly obtuse, but it feels way more natural given the circumstances.

After the earlier observation of “Episode 1 is written with an intent by Yasu to make Natsuhi suffer”, I can’t help but notice it showing up over and over again.

Once again we’re literally telling it as it is. I do wonder how different people would be treating this if it hadn’t first been introduced as Genji dressed up as Beatrice to discredit it.

Yeah Yasu is REALLY going in on Natsuhi here. It’s uncanny.

LIKE FOR REAL, ALL IN

You know, I was about to comment about how tense this scene is, getting everyone into position for the first twilight. Making a point to separate the different groups. And then Battler just has to go and say this, huh.

Another scene where both Shannon and Kanon are being addressed independently by Genji. Kind of interesting to think of it as the final meeting for how the night is going to go.

A special case indeed.

Another win for self indulgent self insert Yasu writing her to be sleeping in the same place as her crush. Next you’ll tell me there was only one bed.

It’s EXCEPTIONALLY funny to have Shannon gushing over Battler, and then the plot IMMEDIATELY misguiding you to George. I legit don’t think there is any way you could even notice this on a first time read unless you were approaching Umineko from an uncannily adversarial approach. Like, I think it’s reasonable to pick up on Kanon potentially liking Battler from the big bulging muscles scene earlier, but unless you’d somehow figured out them both being the same person, I don’t think you’d really be able to pick up on this detail from what you’d already seen from Shannon.

Ah, and here’s the Fukuin name drop. Very funny that the latter part of it is the “on” Kanji once again. I wonder how many more examples of Kanji wordplay we’ll see as hints to the Epitaph?

I made a note back in Chapter 3 where I’d forgot about this detail and thought the other “on” servants were additional identities of Yasu. I actually edited that post to respond to a reply about that and address it, in case anyone missed that.

You know, it’s very telling that George’s response to Shannon saying “I would have to obey that request if it was an order, since I’m furniture” isn’t “you’re not furniture”, it’s “that’s an order”. Very romantic.

George’s relationship skills in this scene overall are just pretty creepy. The impression I’m getting is that Yasu is writing this from a space of heteronormativity - by all sensible metrics, George looks like an atrocious partner for her here, but this is the kind of relationship that society wants you to have, right? He’s a rich disney prince here to whisk her away for a happily ever after. She should want this, right? She doesn’t believe that in her heart, but she feels like she should want it, so it’s written out of a place of obligation rather than love.

For some reason I remember Thank you for Being Born playing here, and man, it really isn’t. Pass isn’t a bad song, but man, I do not care for it. Another one that feels overly generic - funnily enough, it kind of reflects the forced heteronormativity by sounding like what “heartfelt confession” music should be without really saying anything special, but I’m almost certain that isn’t intentional.

Yeah George? You sure understand the meaning? Not even a hint that there’s something more going on under the surface here?

Really, the most realistic part of Umineko is that I’d also want to kill everyone in my immediate vicinity if George proposed to me.

Oh the glass shattering here is phenomenal. Perfect mood setting.

[permanentconundrum]

10/04/23

I’ve decided I want to get faster at writing so I am going to blog a few days and try to make a practice of it. I worked on my writer resume tonight. It’s already 9pm. I am kind of tired. Listening to old school indie music. Still no job yet, since August 2022. It might be weird to go back to work. I’ll need to make sure I can wake up early. Read a little philosophy this afternoon. I should check the news in the NYT. I haven’t been paying close attention recently. I talked to a recruiter about a few jobs but they don’t pay great. In the first half of 2022 I started looking at work because I wanted to take the next step. Now I’m taking a step back perhaps. That’s what happens when you don’t work for over a year. I have had time for poetry though. That’s been good. I hope to finish some poems. Read some sad poems in the October issue of Poetry Magazine, but I think poetry is a great place for difficult topics. Reminds me to pray for others, and know someone somewhere is having a difficult time. You aren’t alone in this. I think it’s important to remember those who are suffering. You aren’t alone in this. I kind of want to look at art more. I want to read more too. I read some last night, the October issue of Poetry. The Decemberists are on the radio. I’m thinking about how to manage myself so that I don’t run myself out of energy. Sometimes you need to not use all your energy in one activity so you can focus elsewhere as well. I have a running goal to lose weight by the end of 2023. Send positive vibes. I want to look more like a runner. I pass quite a few runners in town driving around. Running is a big goal. Poetry is too, but I need to find a job so I can pay bills. I’m watching my diet again. I didn’t watch it last week really. It’s rough. I have trouble getting to the gym 7 day/wk. But maybe I just need to build the habit. It is incredibly important to my health. Where do I want my life to go? I want to be a senior engineer. Or I want enough money to buy a car and go to NYC every year. I want to pay off school debt. Yeah, the job is the money, but it can be fun or at least important. It is work. Somehow I want energy to write too. And read. So more writing and reading and less TV. I want to read more too. Having a job will take energy, but I don’t need to commit myself to 10hour days every day. I hope to get interviews for the jobs I applied to today. I also should apply to more. Maybe tomorrow I won’t sleep through the afternoon and be able to work on more submissions. I could stay up later tonight because I haven’t been able to fall asleep very well. I am watching my energy and mood and healthy habits this month. October has been difficult in the past. I don’t know if it’s from burn out at work or just an affect of the season. I have been pretty happy in Spring and Summer this year. I think I don’t like the sun setting soon. Maybe I will take a drive tomorrow and look at leaves. This blog is all over the place but it’s fine. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful about with things like mood and energy. I do need more daily focus on diet and exercise. I’m hoping to get to the gym 5 days this week. Both today and yesterday were good runs. Tomorrow I’m going for a speed work out. Twins won their wildcard game to progress in the playoffs. Watching the news now. But the gym is very important to me. I need to keep the habit building weekly and daily. I am excited about making progress with running. Longer durations and more mileage and hopefully higher speed. I will stretch tonight. I’ve been feeling sore today. I used a couple weight machines in addition to my treadmill workout. Not all the machines, I was not feeling the weights today. I have a few goals longer term, but I should think about shorter term goals. I did hit a distance target about a week ago. Maybe I should try to tack on half a mile to that distance. I need to think about what to do for easy run. I guess easy should just be easy, and push on the hard efforts, like speed work and long runs.

[thedemiseofhope]

I thought about it, about wanting to live past the age of 23. The hope and anticipation of what the future holds. But that’s just what makes it hurt more, that expectation, and the burden you have to carry just to live on for everybody else’s sake.

I first tried to hurt myself with the intention of dying when I was nine, as I slashed my wrist with a blade. Second, in that same year, I tried to drown myself. Multiple attempts came after that but they weren’t enough to kill me. Starving, dehydration, suffocation, hanging, overdose. I tried. I tried so many times but stayed for the sake of other people, not for myself.

I find it funny when people say I don’t and can’t be diagnosed with severe depression and be suicidal because my life is too good. As if they know everything. As if they could understand what was going on inside my head. As if they understand. I didn’t want to be like this. No one does. I swear I didn’t know it would come to this. My brain is being eaten alive and consumed by such disturbing and eerie thoughts of ending my life. It would vividly show multiple ways how, with very detailed plans as it plays just like a movie. It’s even telling me to commit murder. I imagined killing everyone before killing myself. I am that sick. I might be a psychopath.

I tried going to a psychiatrist but that didn’t help. My family thinks lightly of it, that it’s temporary and can be solved so easily. That it’s not that serious. The medication made it worse. My panic attacks became more frequent, even in public. I wanted to be cured. I needed help. I wanted to be hospitalized and admitted to an institution so they can help me. But I was too scared. Instead of myself, I prioritized other people first. I didn’t go as planned because I didn’t want them to have a family member that’s crazy and was admitted to a mental hospital. That’s just embarrassing.

I’m just masking and pretending I’m okay every day. I’m so good at it that they thought my depression is gone. But in my head, it’s always “I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I should die.”

“I should just die.”

“I don’t deserve this life.”

“They’re better off without me.”

“I’m just a fucking burden.”

“I’m such a disgrace.”

“Such a disappointment.”

“What a shame.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I want to die.”

“I wish someone will kill me.”

“I wish I died in an accident.”

“I wish I had a terminal illness.”

“I wish I could just die.

“I wish to die.”

Everyday. Every single day. Now, is this a suicide note? Probably, yeah. Maybe. Yes. It is. But it’s just a vomit of words.

I tried so hard to prepare for all my previous attempts. Letters, mementoes, stuff to pass on, last will, those types of shit. I even planned to make gifts like it’s something to celebrate for. I was stupid. An idiot. Giving them something would only make them guilty. Just pass on quietly.

Those people you care so much for don’t even know that you’re already dead on the inside.

I have no passion, no dreams, and no thoughts of the future. I don’t see a future. It’s just black.

I’m sorry that it has come to this, that I didn’t ask for help. That I struggled on my own. I didn’t want to be troubling you when your life is already stressful as it is.

I’m sorry that I didn’t meet your expectations and wasted so much of your time, effort, and money, but I still ended up like this.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be with you until you grow old.

I’m sorry I had to go first.

I know we’ll never meet again because I’ll end up in hell.

It’s very hypocritical of me to say this but, please live the rest of your life well. Please live on happily. I didn’t do this because of hate or hold any grudges, but I just couldn’t bear being alive anymore. I’m tired.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I don’t blame you or anyone else. I’m just a bit disappointed. And sad. I wouldn’t be able to see you accomplish your goals and dreams. I hope you live for yourself and not for anyone else. I hope you treasure yourself more. I hope you live well.

Goodbye. Or maybe just bye because this situation isn’t good.

I know you’ve been prepared for this to happen, so I know it won’t shock you too much. It’ll hurt though.

I know everyone’s prepared. You knew this would happen ever since my first attempt. This was inevitable from the start. It was just stalled for quite some time. For 14 years. I think it’s about damn time.

My friends and family are happy and content with their lives. That makes me happy. Truly and honestly happy. What more could I ask for? I’m just an afterthought, an unimportant and uninteresting speck of dust. Just sitting at the back of everyone’s minds.

No one’s checking up on me because I don’t, too. And that’s okay. They couldn’t care less so they would be hurt less. That’s great. I don’t want you to announce my death to everyone that I’m dead. No Facebook posts, nothing. It’s best that way. I don’t want to be the topic of everyone’s conversations with their fake sympathy. Please.

Regrets? I don’t have any. I was just living this life for the sake of it. I had no dreams and aspirations, remember?

What I said before were just lies, to pretend I was capable of it too — to dream. But I’m not. I have none.

If reincarnation does exist, I hope I won’t become your child in your next life. I hope it’s someone better, more loving, and not a disappointment. Someone who’s mentally stable and responsible. Someone who will take care of you until you grow old. I’m sorry that it couldn’t be me. I hope you’re happier in that life.

I’ve seen somewhere that the strings of fate that connect us will be severed because I’ve ended my own life. I know it’s just fiction, but I truly hope that is the case. I don’t deserve you as a mother. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve to live only to be such a failure and a burden and a disgrace and a disappointment.

I love you, I really do. Even though I don’t know what love is.

I love you.

[crying-over-really-dumb-things]

I posted 6,650 times in 2022

56 posts created (1%)

6,594 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@tynamomaniac

@dillen12

@ofdreamsanddoodles

@prince-of-moths

@justsomerandomletters

I tagged 526 of my posts in 2022

#the magnus archives - 23 posts

#obi wan kenobi spoilers - 19 posts

#kenobi spoilers - 17 posts

#tma spoilers - 10 posts

#tma - 9 posts

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#what we do in the shadows - 8 posts

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#jonathan sims - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#one person had the fucking audacity to say ‘we’ll don’t just have one cat make sure you have multiple so they can take care of each other’

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

(And yeah I’m gonna blaze this post, because I’m annoying, probably some sort of neurodivergent, and I thrive off data collection apparently)

Hey, I made a thing! Wanna know which OC of mine that I’ve never talked about best fits your personality? Well you’re in luck!

Possible answers include: lesbian werewolves, lesbian bird people, a sad bitch, a chaotic old bitch, *gasp* a child, and a lonely dude!

142 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

#4

Tiktok is trying to kill me today I guess

151 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#3

Nandor’s djinn wishes have really created the perfect storm: Marwa is probably never going to shut up about how much she enjoys being around Guillermo and all the things she likes about Guillermo, and now Nandor and Marwa can’t have sex without Nandor thinking about Guillermo. This man is going to be having A Crisis over the next few episodes and I can’t wait to see it.

233 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

#2

We truly are doomed to repeat history

1,495 notes - Posted October 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

9,994 notes - Posted December 31, 2021

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[followmythoughts]

a gun 12/9/23

This might seem really depressive and not-me(?) but these are somewhat my real thoughts, just turned it a bit more literature(y) for the sake of this.

It’s almost Christmas. I don’t have the motivation to pour out all my thoughts, let alone write it all but I will try to; because tomorrow, I will probably forget all about this.

It’s Christmas season, it’s where the air starts to get a little bit cold and you have to double your blankets, it’s the season where families from all over the world come rejoice and celebrate the holiday. It’s Christmas, and one thing you associate with Christmas is gifts. I am not gonna lie — I am privileged. Privileged enough to ask for money whenever I want and eat properly everyday. Privileged enough to be given money, clothes and etcetera on Christmas. I am thankful, really, yet sometimes I think that it could’ve been better if they had asked me what I wanted for Christmas so I’d really get what I want. But I backtrack: because I am already blessed with gifts that some people don’t and simply do not have the privilege to have. But not for that only reason, I backtrack because what in the world would be their reaction be if I said I wanted to get a gun?

What would the looks on their face be? Horrified? Terror? Dismay? I’m unable to imagine how their facial expressions would appear in such a situation.

But please, don’t be alarmed. I don’t want a gun for reasons such as wanting to off someone or wreak havoc in this peaceful city. No, it’s simply for me. I’ve always wanted a gun ever since December 2020. That’s where my depressive season started. Dec 2020 until June 2022, I was miserable. Until now, I still am but it’s not as harsh as the past years. It’s coming back though. The depressive state is coming back.

Because of this state, I’ve always wanted a firearm. I hoped for one back then. I cried and cried, wishing that it would just magically appear under my pillow.

The reason is simply and well: you might’ve already figured it out.

Simply because if things felt like hell on earth (again) I can simply grab the gun and off myself. It is a cowardly move, because in an outsiders point of view they would think that, yeah - shouldn’t you, shouldn’t I stay positive? It’s honestly easy for you to say because you were not in my position. There was nothing worse than bawling my eyes every night and pretending stuff was okay in daylight. Pretending I was okay and not rotting inside, faking an appetite and didn’t even bother taking care of myself properly. Mentally and physically. It truly felt like hell on earth because I can still vividly remember sobbing in front of my grandmother — the person who raised me — babbling on how I was so sorry that my family had me and how I truly am sorry for all the inconveniences I have done to their life. I still feel like that sometimes. Deep down, I still do. It was fucking hell because I kept apologizing repeatedly everyday and no one knew a single thing about how I felt. I hugged a blanket tied into a knot, ready to hang but I was a coward, and all I could do was cry.

I had no one for me, not even friends. I was in a private school, and it was expensive. Yet, I stopped attending the online classes. It was my 6th grade classes. The year where I should’ve graduated properly. But I didn’t. My parents wanted me to go to high school so bad but I couldn’t because I had no grades. The school suggested to let us pay 20k for graduation or go back and retake 6th grade.

I wanted to fucking kill myself.

It was already so bad but that was the fucking catalyst. I don’t know where all this sudden depression started, it just creeped on me. Maybe if my cousin hadn’t assaulted me back then, I wouldn’t have grown so early: I wouldn’t have grown up so early, and at such a young age I already had a matured mind. It didn’t help that my younger sister was born when I was still 6 years old. The responsibilities took over my childhood. 7 years old yet I already felt 25. I was spiraling deep inside. We were already struggling financially because of the pandemic and because of me, we had to lose 20k. For what reason? For me to graduate elementary. I told them that I can just retake 6th grade and they don’t have to pay just because of my own foolishness, but the good family they are, they paid because I could’ve been left behind and they didn’t want that to happen to me. So they sacrificed money.

I just wanted to die and disappear.

That’s where the gun comes in. I desperately begged God, or whatever is up there to let me get what I want. I begged for two things: to let me go back in the past, or let a gun magically appear underneath my pillow. I was still foolish. Yes, I matured fast but I was dumb to hope that one of those wishes would come true. I wanted to go back in the past to at least experience my childhood - the one that was taken away from me - just one more time. I wanted to have a gun just so I could end my suffering. Sure 6 years old, and to get a younger sister was alright. It was a huge age gap, and I could’ve managed. But I didn’t. I didn’t know why.

But deep down, I know. I know why. I wanted to be an only child. I wanted to be pampered. I didn’t have it in me to act like an older sister to somebody when I wanted to have somebody. I wanted an older figure.


So, everything - it all stems from me, deep inside.

Why was I born such a fucked up person?

The assault, I was only 5 years old and I didn’t know anything. My cousin did. I lost my virginity at such a young age. He was the one who did it and he was old enough to know what he was doing. I sometimes think that maybe, I could’ve just dreamt it when I was a child because me and that cousin still talk up until now. And he acts normally. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe he forgot? Maybe he’s playing dumb like I am? Maybe it was just a horrible dream? If it was a dream, then why do I still remember and feel so vividly?

Thanks, ya, for being one of the reasons on how I became like this. As I’m typing this, I hear ur voice outside and it sickens me to see you act so happily, not knowing (or maybe you know) that you ruined a child’s life.

I was in such a depressive state, that I just wanted to end it all. Up until now, I still do, but this feeling isn’t as harsh as to how I felt back then. Everything changed when face to face classes returned. I was afraid at first, not knowing how to socialize but as time passed by, I warmed up. I returned to the old pandemic me. The 2019 me, the real me. But due to the pandemic, It ruined parts of me that I still can’t fix and maintain such as my teeth. It’s one of the reason of my low esteem right now. I hate the pandemic, yet it serves as an extreme comfort. The reason to why I survived the pandemic was due to my discord friends and anime. You might call me a weirdo but they were genuinely the reason to why I didn’t give up.

Fast forward to 2023 Christmas. I’m not okay. This state has been coming back lately and I feel like absolute shit these days but it’s fine. It has gotten better before. It will get better again. There are some instances, like right now, where the old me slips through and I find myself desperately begging for a gun just so when I can’t take it anymore I have the easy way out. (And traumatize my family, lol. Imagine their faces when they wake up to see myself covered in blood with a gun in my hand) It’s a coward move but thats how all I’ve learned. To be a coward. So please don’t blame me.

I’m sorry to my family. I’m so sorry that I have been an inconvenience all this time and I am a lazy worthless piece of shit but I hope you guys know that I’m trying. Mental health really is a bitch sometimes. I am trying, really. It takes time so please be patient with me. I don’t know when everything will start to get better again but I wish that someday, one day, the time will come where I don’t remember the feeling of being miserable anymore.

It has gotten better before. It will get better again.

Sincerely,

Chaessel Anne Mhae V. Arisgado

11:30 PM DECEMBER 9 2023 SATURDAY

[sanriolovinglittle]

doing this bc I’ve been regressing more recently! 1. Tumblr lol

2. I just read about it like a lot and I realized sometimes I seriously relate like I always miss my childhood but sometimes I’ll cry more, want a paci, miss my childhood toys/tv shows/ etc more and will wish I had a caregiver etc basic regresses stuff and I just realized ‘wait I’m a regressor lol’

3. I’m not sure tbh ik my name and sis aren’t it but bub sounds pretty ok

4. yeah like usually I listen to metal and hip hop and rap and sometimes Mr kitty type artists like Crystal castles and 100 gecs but when im little I listen to things like ‘soldier poet king’ and the crane wives and Mitski and stuff

5. I kin Killua sooo and yes I still do when little for the most part

6. Depends, sometimes voluntarily sometimes involuntarily

7. when I’m stressed out or really just hate how life is going rn or growing up or even just when I feel like being little again because I miss it sometimes then yeah I regress

8. I don’t have one but I want one. I’ll probably ask one of my friends to be my cg because they care about me very dearly. I might have two because two of my friends would be perfect.

9. I have adhd, which isn’t super marginalized I guess but I’m a maladaptive daydreamer and I’m epileptic and have super bad social anxiety and bipolar/fluctuating depression so sometimes when I’m little I’ll just get super into whatever I’m daydreaming about or like my adhd and/or bipolar depression will sometimes make me super upbeat and hyper or completely unmotivated and gloomy (I love using the word gloomy cos I miss Gloom aka cloudy apples so much 😭). Also my anxiety gets BAD when I’m little because everyone in my school is way taller than average and only a few people, especially my age are short and small even when I wear my like three inch thick doc martens. Mostly I don’t wear them though cos I’m in garden club so I’m even shorter and I just avoid eye contact with tall people who aren’t my age cis it’s scary and they all think I’m weird (there was a NASTY rumor going around about me from one of the first people I met when new at my school this year so trust issues 🤠)

10. sorry that was so long. Anyway: not really I guess I only realized a bit ago so I haven’t really thought to. Like yesterday from five to seven I was at the third and last dance this year it was Hawaii themed and I had lotsa fun with my friends. I was spinning and chilling with one friend group of underclassmen and dancing and talking and running around and stuff with my main friend group of people my age. Anyway I usually am doing stuff but I plan to tell my main friends on Monday. Wish me luck!

11. I associate target and this playground near my house and my old house I moved from when young and a park in my old town that’s kinda run down and stuff sadly but yeah basically my old town because my baby and toddler youth was always there… :( I miss it… we only moved cos my mom was dating a creepy man let’s just say he was very bad and is in prison (ptsd be like oh yeah I have ptsd.) also an online space is lgbtq plus vibe on Roblox just like anywhere for lgbtq youth

12. Umm I’m not sure I guess I don’t really babble or talk like a baby like I wouldn’t call my caregiver mommy or daddy because that’s sexualized far too much but like mama or papa yk

13. when I was younger like 5 (my regression age) I was a little more protected yet spoiled but now I’m a teenager with four younger siblings so 23/6 i only get attention (in a positive light) from friends and sometimes teachers so i was a little more bratty but im more humble today

14. bub as a pet name/nickname (my mom doesn’t know I’m age regressed but she knows I’m trans/genderfluid but she still calls me sis…)? also for some reason not really my name (noah) I’m kinda multi nominal/nomifluid so yeah do with that info what you will but idrk any other pet names/nicknames I like but I’m open to suggestions so feel free to comment!

15. Tumblr and Pinterest as I don’t really have any other social media but sometimes i watch agere TikTok’s on yt

16. My little likes watching things with kinda mature themes for his age like sister sister or Zoey 101 just Nickelodeon teen Nick stuff idk if it’s unpopular tho

17. It changes all the time cos colors are just beautiful but I’m gonna say red right now and I loveee hello kitty and her bow and also like dyed red hair cos I’m gonna dye mine red like unnatural red

18. I think Monkey D. Luffy, Hinata Hyuuga, and Nezuko Kamado would be littles tbh. Nezuko def gives agere vibes and Luffy and Hinata seem like littles, especially the latter.

19. Tanjiro Kamado ofc him and Nezuko are like THE cg and little duo in anime ong and sakura haruno would prob be a caregiver or haku yuki but yeah that’s just off the top of my head rn.

20. I wish I knew that it isn’t weird or inappropriate or not okay because I would have realized I was a regressive way earlier

Ty for reading if you did, have an amazing day! I’ll prob post more agere stuff on here soon!! Ima get my hair cut short at 2 pm today wish me luck for it to look good!

hi friends !! i finally finished making this :D i tried to come up with inclusive agere questions that rly make u think and aren’t specific to any brands, countries, media, etc. hopefully i did a good job at that ^^

feel free to use or repost this image as long as the credit stays in tact !!

. :+* made with a free canva template by So Swell Edu

. :+* plain text version under the cut !!

20 AGERE QUESTIONS

1. how did you first find out about agere in general?

2. how did u first find out that you were a regressor?

3. what nicknames or pet names do you like to be called when you’re little?

4. does your music taste change when you’re regressed? if so, how?

5. which fictional characters do you most relate to (or kin) when you’re little? do you still relate to them when you’re not regressed?

6. do you usually regress voluntarily or involuntarily (or a mix of both)?

7. what most often makes you regress?

8. if you don’t have a cg, would you want one? if you do have a cg, how’d you meet them?

9. if you have other marginalised identities (lgbtq+, neurodivergent, poc, etc), how do they figure into your regression? (intersectionality is so cool)

10. are you open about your age regression irl? how about online outside of tumblr?

11. what physical places do you associate with your regression? (school, parks, shops, people’s houses, etc)

12. what’s something typically associated with agere (pacis, babbling, bluey, etc) that you don’t do?

13. how does your current regressed personality differ from your personality when you were physically that age?

14. do you use different pronouns or preferred names when you’re regressed? if so, what are they?

15. what platforms do you usually go to for agere content? (tumblr, pinterest, instagram, etc)

16. what’s a niche or unpopular interest you associate with your regression?

17. what’s ur favorite color + something you love that’s that color?

18. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be littles?

19. which (if any) fictional characters do you think would be caregivers?

20. what’s something you wish you knew about agere when you first found out about it?

by @tiny-tk on tumblr

tumblr tag: #20 agere questions

[purplesurveys]

1589

Are you obsessive over Edward Cullen? Uh, maybe when I was 11 I could say that yeah. I’m definitely no longer as obsessed with the character nor the series, apart from my annual rewatch of the movies haha. Team Cullen all the way though – I hated Jacob’s anger issues.

Ever written that you were going to end your life? Yeah, it doubles as a will. I am fairly certain it’s still here on my laptop, just under a completely random and unrelated title. I haven’t seen it in years.

If you had one wish, what would it be? And you can’t wish for more wishes. Money.

Name one of your second cousins. Margaret.

Diamonds or rubies? Diamonds.

Would you date someone 8 years older than you? Someone who’s 32...maybe not. The gap is personally too large for me. Can you take a bra off with one hand? Nah.

How old is the last person you texted? She seems a bit younger than me, from what I’ve seen. I’m guessing anywhere between 18-23.

Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Fell asleep with and not sleep with? Hmm I guess Angela from the last time I slept over at her place.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? I’ve felt the urge but have never done it. I don’t want to end up in pain and with bloody knuckles lol. If you were in the hospital on life support, would the last person you hugged visit you? It’s possible, but it’s not a 100% chance of visiting.

Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Not while in class but I have napped in a few spots here and there – mostly in my car. There were very few times I fell asleep at my org’s lounge area but in general I hate sleeping in public.

What kind of car does your most recent ex drive? I have no idea. I know her parents gifted her her own car straight out of college, but I don’t remember what make and model it is.

Have you ever dated someone you met online? Nope.

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? I could be a little taller but overall I’m not the type to complain about my height. Filipinos are on the shorter side anyway and around here I’d still be considered average lol, so.

What financial class are you? Middle.

What poster is hanging closest to you? I’m at a Starbucks right now so all the posters and tarps here are just promoting their new drinks.

Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. I find them easier and more relatable to talk to. I think we’re also naturally more emotional and expressive, which is kind of what my energy needs when talking to people. How much older than you have you dated? I’ve only ever dated someone of the same age, and even she was a couple of months younger than me.

Do you have a pet cat? I do not.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at? Probably just some dumb driver.

Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? Angela.

What do you currently hear right now? Change pt. 2 and all its angry bass sounds through my earphones.

How do you feel about school? I largely didn’t care for it throughout grade school and the early years of high school, knowing that my scores in those years wouldn’t matter anywhere. I started taking it seriously in junior year, since in my dream university they look at your grades starting from that grade. I did well enough to pass that university, and from then on till college I gave a crap about and enjoyed school since that’s the point where you typically get to have more independence in the classes you pick.

Does the person you last kissed still like you? No, I have had no reason to remain in their life in like the past two years now.

When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? I’ve never even used a payphone, I think. The last time I encountered one of them was in grade school, but I never had to use it.

How many rings do you wear, if any? I don’t wear rings.

Grilled cheese or peanut butter & jelly? Grilled cheese. Peanut butter and jelly is so weird and I remember being so underwhelmed by it when I tried it for the first time, after seeing all my favorite American shows hype it up so much.

Have you ever jumped in a pool with your clothes on? No, I don’t like getting my clothes wet on purpose.

Do you prefer being called your actual name or a nickname? My first name. Only close family members use the shortened version of it, and I’d be pretty weirded out if any non-relative called me that. Where is the person you love/like? I’m not into anyone.

Future tattoos? Seven tiny dots in the order of BTS’ microphone colors, and now I’m thinking of an Indigo-themed tattoo...still thinking of which lyric to tattoo-fy though.

Name of your first relationship? I don��t like recalling the person in any extent anymore, so let’s move on.

Do you like scary movies? Sure! I don’t watch them a lot these days, but I definitely don’t hate horror.

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? No, but I don’t wish them well either.

Have you ever wanted to believe in something, but couldn’t? Yeah, like when I’m in denial about deaths of loved ones.

What was the last animal/pet that you met? Besides my own? An adorable shih tzu puppy named Tammy that I met when I dropped by a BTS-themed café last Tuesday! She’s 3 months old and had the cutest little diaper on her. She was roaming freely around the store and the owner told me it was okay to play with her, so I did :)

What’s the last thing you promised yourself? Uhhh not sure. Something insignificant, I’m guessing.

Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? Not really products but more on services, so like if I got my hair done at a salon or ate at a restaurant. With products I mostly just rate.

What was the last board game you played? Can’t remember, I rarely play those.

Would you ever marry someone who was lower class? Yes. This really such a big deal?

Is there a guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? No. Have you ever written to an advice columnist? No.

Who is a singer that has given you chills? Cho Youjeen’s range is insane and listening to her notes on Wild Flower was an experience I’ll never forget.

What act would you perform in a talent show? My main talent is writing...and I don’t think that would fly in talent show.

What area are you the most gifted in, do you think? ^ That.

What is your state’s bird (if you live in the US)? Well, I don’t.

What did you go to college for? Journalism.

Tell me about someone that you know dislikes you. What do you think is about you they don’t like? This one girl from work seems to have never liked me from that time in 2020 when we miscommunicated over something. I was a few weeks into the job and was at the starting stage of being familiar with my tasks; one day she asks me something that I apparently misunderstood, and from then on her demeanor towards me changed even though I profusely apologized. I’m never one to back down though so I also just give her a cold shoulder back when we have to have encounters at work.

Tell me about something you’re afraid of. Why does it frighten you? Plane crashes. Because I’ve heard too many audio snippets of passengers’ last thoughts/words/exclamations moments before their plane dove into the ground. And also just because I react terribly with anything that causes the slightest bit of motion sickness so I just know a full-blown crash would send me into a panic within seconds.

Does the last person you kissed live within walking distance? Thankfully they do not. They live at the opposite end of the city, and it’s super out of the way from where I am so I never have to pass by the area.

Do you think the last person you kissed has ever lied to you? They directly told me that they have.

Is there a certain song that never seems to get old, no matter how many times you hear it? Outro: Tear by BTS is a good example.

Do you think the last person you kissed is capable of breaking your heart? They did. Can we stop asking about the same person? LOL

Do you want to have any children? If so, how many? I’d love to have one or two but the possibility is quite bleak now. I act like I don’t want kids largely so that people wouldn’t worry or hover but the truth is that it devastates me from time to time.

How many piercings have you had in your life? Two.

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? ????? No?

Are you a good babysitter? I’m the eldest female child in an Asian family; we’re practically required to be good babysitters.

Is anyone overprotective of you? My parents used to be but they’ve certainly been looser the older I’ve gotten.

Who was the last person you kissed? The ex that we have been talking about a trauma-inducing amount at this point.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes. What colors would you like to have at your wedding? White and beige.

The person you like comes up and kisses you, what would you do? I’m not into anyone. Ever known anyone who could “see right through” you? Yes.

Have you ever broken a couple up? No.

When was the last time you changed in front of someone? Idk. Years ago.

What’s something you think should be legalized? Divorce and same-sex marriage. Who usually takes out the trash in your family? My parents or sister. Have you ever experienced a friend or partner that was jealous of you spending time with other people? How did you handle the situation? Yeah, they generally weren’t a fan of me hanging out with guy friends. I obviously didn’t take too kindly to it and kept hanging out with them anyway because why the fuck not.

How old do you think is too old to sleep with a stuffed animal? There really shouldn’t be an age limit for things like this... Are either of your parents retired yet? If not, what do they do? Nope. My dad is an executive sous chef; my mom’s an office secretary. Do you know anyone named Matt? It rings a few bells but I can’t seem to remember where I know them from.

When did you/do you want to move out of your parents house? Before I’m 30.

Are there any books that you’ve been meaning to read? Not really, no. There’s Almond by Son Wonpyung but I’ve never been in a rush to read it.

Have you slept over at a member of the opposite sex’s house in their bed? Nope.

Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? This couple that I’ve known and have been together since the early years of high school.

When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? I briefly mentioned it earlier but I visited a BTS-themed café last Tuesday; and when I got settled the owner handed me and this other girl who was there a bunch of freebies, which included a cupsleeve from their last event + a BTS photocard + Indigo photocards. I love them all – the photocards are in my wallet and the cupsleeve has found a home at the corkboard in my room.

What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The taste of mango is unforgivable to me. I’m generally a bigger fan of vegetables but I will never try ampalaya as I’m not fan of bitter. Is your last ex still someone you care about? Not if they were the last person on earth and a horde of zombies is chasing after their ass.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I go back to work tomorrow. The good news is that I’m on leave again from Monday to Wednesday next week ha so I’ll just have to swallow down the gross stuff I have to handle tomorrow.

When did you last eat pizza? Around a month ago, I think.

Is there a girl you absolutely can not stand? Not really.

Name the person that has honestly hurt you the most in life? Said ex.

[damonjuicyscock]

To The End (Chapter 11: The Universal)

Pairing: 90's Damon Albarn x Reader

Warnings: Language, Angst,Drug use, maybe some spelling mistakes as always.

Summary: You are Damon Albarn's girlfriend. Y/N is the subject of a war, feeling like a punching ball, Liam fancies her, and Damon behaves like a cocky bastard. They discover their new toy, how far will it go ?

Words: 2071

A/N: Hello everyone ! Here is chapter 11. Again, a little scene might tell you something. Anyway, let's see how it evolves don't we ?

Have a nice read !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue27OQjzvV4

“It really, really, really could happen Yes, it really, really, really could happen When the days, they seem to fall through you Well, just let them go »

“Wants to know what Damon feels about Liam from Oasis saying things about his girlfriend Y/N. Well you know…I don’t really mind. I mean, I think it’s funny, but he…I just wanna know whether he thinks it’s funny.”

- Of course you would say that what else could you answer? Act like the jealous guy you are in reality and lose all credibility? I said

- He already hasn’t any credibility. Alex answered

- Fuck off! Damon answered to Alex

The phone rang, I answered.

- Y/N speaking!

- Our kid doesn’t think it’s funny. The male voice with a strong Mancunian accent said

- Is he angry? I laughed

- Nah, but he’s not mad fer it.

- You’ll tell me. Wait, just a second. Yo shut your goddamn mouths you two, I’m on the phone!

Damon and Alex were talking loudly.

- What’s this knobhead doing?

- Well he’s with Alex and they’re having quite a loud chat.

- I can hear, yeah

- How are you doing?

- Buzzin’ and ye?

- Fine. So…The U.S tour is coming soon!

- Yeah, we’re starting by Seattle. Just hope I won’t have to lamp our kid and give over the tour.

- Then don’t do too much coke and meth, Noel.

- Noel? I heard Alex say

- Shut up Alex. I said

- I didn’t give over it but I calm down, me.

- Glad to hear it.

- Would yer like to come in town for our gig ?

- I would have loved too Noel, but I’ll be in Birmingham this day. We could meet after December 13th if you come to London. By the way, you have some apologies to make. Wishing Damon to die from AIDS…

- Yeah, sorry, I wasn’t me self. I won’t be before a while, me. Going to see me mam with our kid for Christmas.

- You’re right. Take care of your mom as long as you can. Moms and time with them is so precious.

- Y/N, are you done? Damon asked me, impatient

- I hear you have to go?

- Yeah, Damon is getting jealous, as always. Take care Noel, I hope to see you soon.

- Me too Y/N.

I hang up and rolled my eyes.

Yeah, I know what you must be thinking, what the fuck did happen?

That’s quite simple. Since Glastonbury the last year, Noel and I stood in contact. We were friends, and this bond between us was still here, as if we were destined to meet. He was a nice guy. We phoned everytime we could.

- It was just Noel Dames.

- What did he say?

- That Liam didn’t like his answer and don’t think it’s funny.

- Good, that was the goal.

I rolled my eyes once again.

- You two are like fucking kids Damon, you are fighting against a 23-year-old guy! I already told you! And who’s in between? Me! I’m the fucking victim of your bullshit!

- I know, but at least I’m sure he’ll stop.

- Why does it matter so much to you? We are engaged! He’ll find someone else!

- She’s right Damon… Alex answered

- It’s none of your business Alex. Damon said dryly

- Damon is right Alex, but thank you for defending me.

- You’re welcome. Do you want me to go? It seems like you two need to talk.

- No mate, it’s cool,I’m even going to call Graham and Dave. It doesn’t bother you love?

Okay, he interrupted our argument, thinking he could get away with it.

I sighed.

- No darling, call them. Hey! isn’t it the full moon tonight?

- I think it is, yes. Damon answered

- What about all of us heading out to have a look at the stars? I know someone who can lend us a telescope.

At this exact same moment, Alex was about to open the door to go outside for a smoke.

- Huh Y/N, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

- Why’s that?

Damon went to take a look at the window.

- Paparazzi.

- Of course… Well if they want a statement, I’m about to give them. I said walking towards the front door

- No no no no no, Y/N, don’t do this. Damon pleaded, trying to stop me.

- Why?

- Because we agreed. Not before the beginning of next year.

- YOU said it, Damon.

- Please Y/N.

- Why? It would end all this fancying story about me and this stupid little war between you two.

- The war won’t end like this, the fancying thing is only a detail.

- Well if it’s only a detail…

- For fuck’s sake Y/N, I said no! He yelled at me

I was surprised by him, yelling at me, it wasn’t like him.

- Fine then. Have a nice evening boys, I’ll be in my bedroom, watching a movie.

- Y/N wait…

- No Damon. I’ll leave you some hours to calm down, and if you’re not when you’re planning to sleep, you’ll sleep on the couch.

- Y/N stay, it won’t be fun without you. Alex said

- You’re not punished Alex, you can come upstairs to take a smoke and have a chat with me, you’re welcome.

- I’ll do that. Have a nice movie time.

I went upstairs and chose to watch the movie Dracula. It was sensual, but some parts made me cry. I helped me cry. I wouldn’t be able to watch the movie as Graham came to see me in the bedroom. He saw me crying. I pretended it was the movie, but he already knew about Damon who yelled at me.

- I’m just so tired of their so-called stupid war. I know there’s your music, but I’m involved in this… I know that for Damon it’s either a great deal or nothing because we’re engaged. But fuck! I’m a person, I have feelings! And it’s like I didn’t exist, like I didn’t have my word to say, like I didn’t belong to me anymore… Damon said he would protect me, but I’ve never felt so Insecure Gray, I don’t know what to do…

- I understand Y/N. I know you won’t probably like what I’m going to say, but he protected you earlier by stopping you when you wanted to talk to the paps. You would have made a mistake. I know he yelled at you. But believe me, He’s as fed up as you.

- HE started this war Graham!

- I know, but now he regrets it. He didn’t know it would go this far.

- Well he should have thought about the consequences. Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes when he proposed…

- Shut the fuck up Y/N! You love each other so much, you actually made the right choice! Now Liam will have to stop talking about you! And he proposed because he’s madly in love with you, he loves you more than anything in this world, and he actually wants to protect you.

- Then why waiting to announce our engagement?

- Because we have to promote our album first Y/N, and I’m sure he’s sorry for yelling at you.

- You may be right. Fuck, now I feel so fucking stupid, and I feel like I may have overreacted…

- You didn’t Y/N, if someone yelled at me, I wouldn’t be happy as well. He should have explained this to you calmly, it’s a misunderstanding between you both. You know what? let’s go downstairs.

Graham carried me like a sack of potatoes into the living room, and threw me on the sofa, next to Damon.

This one threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly, kissing me on the cheek.

- I’m sorry. He murmured in my ear.

I turned to face him

- I’m sorry too.

He kissed me.

- Don’t we prefer to see them like this, guys? Graham asked

- Oh yep! Dave and Alex answered at the same time.

I smiled and Damon looked at me lovingly

- God, I can’t wait for you to be my wife.

- Consider me as it already. I answered

*

December 14th 1995-London:

We just had finished the after party for Blur’s last 1995 live. I decided to do some cleaning, and that’s where Damon found it on the sofa. This fucking plastic bag with needles and heroin. This fucking thing that blew our mind. Yes, He hadn’t been alone in taking this.

- Love?

- Please, don’t tell me you want to test this shit.

- Why not?

- I don’t want you or I to overdose! It’s as simple as that.

- We won’t, it’s just a test darling.

I knew what it involved. But I didn’t want to let him alone in that.

- Just once, just to test.

- Once.

I think it's what every junkie thinks when they “test” this shit.

Damon prepared everything. I wasn’t a big fan of injecting things in my arm. That’s why I did it between my toes.

I cannot quite describe what I was feeling when I was on heroin. It was a mix between full happiness, trance, and the awakening of my darkest anxieties. Damon was onto another thing. He was being creative. And what was supposed to be once, changed us into junkies. We were addicted to heroin. It made us even more sexual. But I was following Damon’s rules. 5 days on, 2 days off.

*

As planned, on the beginning of January 1996, we revealed to the whole world our engagement. The whole band was on drugs, and Graham was losing his shit. He started to resent the guys. But this time, I was far too high to separate them during fights. Blur was said to be “On the verge of a nervous breakup”. When Damon knew why Graham was resentful, he adapted to the whole situation. It was a question of music taste. That’s why the future album would have another influence than Britpop.

Before leaving for the U.S with the band, Noel came with his dickhead of brother Liam in London so we could finally meet. I was a bit surprised, but Liam didn’t come with him. We met in a pub in Camden Town, I was high, and Damon stood home because he was too high himself.

- Oi, here she is! I heard say behind me

I turned and saw Noel and went to hug him.

- How are you Noel?

- Buzzin’, what about you? you look dead tired.

- No, I’m fine Noel.

- Having moving nights? He asked winking at me

- Yup, since I said yes to be the future Mrs Albarn.

- Well that’s good. Oh and Liam feels hurt in his ego.

- I didn’t have any doubt about this. This dickhead is so self-confident. With the shitty war Damon and him created I couldn’t go outside without being aggressed by the fucking paps.

- I’m soz ‘bout that kid. Shouldn’t have happened to ya, it’s dead rank.

- And you? What about love?

- I’ve met someone. He said smiling

- Well well! tell me everything!

- Her name’s Meg, She’s a nice girl, kind. Think you would like her.

I smiled weakly.

- As long as she makes you happy, I’ll like her.

- Are you sure you’re okay Y/N?

I could have answered the truth like “yeah Noel, just trippin’ on heroin and it’s destroying me because I have to face my worse demons” but…

- Yeah Noel, just tired as I told you. So U.S in a few days then?

- Yup. Hope everything will be fine.

He put a hand on my shoulder.

- Y/N ya know… If ya ever need anything or if there’s any problem with this moron, just call and ask, okay? I’ll always be there.

I don’t know why I did what I did, but no one saw us anyway. I just… wanted to show I cared and wanted to thank him in my way. I know, it isn’t cool knowing he had a crush on me. Yes. I kissed Noel Gallagher.

[doctorstethoscope]

The Right Chapter 5 || Aaron Hotchner x Fem! Reader

This is a big one babes!! Hold on tight!! 

Read previous chapters of this fic here!

Contains: canon-typical discussion of violence, soft aaron hotchner supremacy 

wordcount: 1.8k

You barely saw Aaron on Sunday, despite being in his house the whole day-- Jack was practically buzzing with excitement the moment you came through the door, pulling you down to his height and wrapping his arms around your neck to squeeze you in a hug.

“Hey, little man, I’ve missed you!” You said enthusiastically, returning his hug. 

“I missed you too. And so did Daddy. He said you were sick so I drew you a feel better card,” he told you, dragging you over to the coffee table and brandishing the  piece of computer paper he’d folded in two to form a card. 

“I love it so much Jack! I feel better already. Let’s put this on the fridge, yeah?” You said, standing up and shooting Aaron a smile as you crossed the kitchen. 

“Can we play legos now?”

“Buddy, give her a second. She just got here.” Aaron tried to calm Jack down, but you waved him off. 

“Just let me put my stuff away, and I’ll meet you in your room, okay?’ You told Jack, who scurried off towards his bedroom.

Aaron must have found some other way to entertain himself, because you and Jack spent the whole morning together, only taking a break after lunch when it was time for Jack’s nap. He insisted that you put him down, and after three readings of Curious George, he was finally asleep. When you turned to leave, you saw Aaron sitting in the door jam watching you.

“He was so excited this morning you would have thought it was Christmas,” He remarks as you meet him in the doorway. 

“He’s a good kid.” You whisper, slipping out into the hallway and pulling the door shut behind the two of you.

“I’m lucky.” He agrees with you. 

“Come on, Hotchner, it’s not all luck.” You tease him good naturedly as the two of you move back to the kitchen. He saw you headed for the sink, full of dishes from lunch, and sped up to get in front of you.

“Ah, ah ah. It’s naptime.” He told you, placing his hands on your shoulders and turning you around. 

Before you could stop yourself, you stomped your foot, not entirely unlike a child who needed a nap. “Hotch, come on!” 

“We’re probably getting called on something tomorrow, and sleep will be hard to come by, and you’ll wish you’d listened to me.” He tells you.

“You’re acting like you aren’t going to bench me, regardless of whether or not we get called on a case.” You accused of him, and he at least had the good grace to try and look sheepish. “I’m not tired. Can we just watch a movie or something?” You offered a compromise, and he nodded, leading you to the couch. 

You plopped onto the couch and picked up the remote as Aaron crossed the room to grab a throw blanket for the two of you to share. He spread the blanket across the couch and sat down, and you tucked your feet underneath you, unintentionally leaning in closer to him as you flicked the TV to a movie channel. Aaron stretched his legs out in front of him, extending one arm across the end of the sofa and the other arm around the back of it, conveniently making more space for you. As Hotch had suspected, it wasn’t long before your eyelids started to get heavy. 

“The dishes…” you mumbled sleepily. 

“I’ll take care of them.” He whispered, leaning in closer so you could hear him. 

“Later. It’s naptime,” you reminded him, your head resting against his chest in sleep. His arm came to rest across your shoulders and down your side, drawing you into him. He inhaled deeply, trying not to overthink. 

You’re her superior. His brain screamed. She loves Jack, not you. She loves Jack, but that doesn’t mean she wants to raise him. You’re too old, too cranky, too much baggage. This isn’t what you think it is. As much as he wanted to make himself believe all of that, as much as he wanted to accept that even if he knew he would go through hell and back for you, he could never have you, all he could focus on in that moment was the steady puffs of breath coming from your nose and landing on his chest. He realized, with a start, that it felt like walking into the wrong classroom your senior year of high school and locking eyes with the woman you knew you were going to marry.

  Aaron’s prediction had been correct-- Monday morning had found you jetting off to Kentucky, for the murder of three county paramedics-- by the time your plane had landed, another body had dropped. A firefighter. You all climbed into SUVs from the airstrip-- Hotch and Rossi off to examine the bodies, Morgan, JJ and Prentiss to the most recent crime scene, and you and Reid to the police station to the police station to work on the geographic profile. Normally you’d be off with Hotch and Rossi, and examining a body wasn’t technically field work, but you went with Reid with minimal pouting, knowing you were lucky that Hotch had let you leave Quantico at all.

You decided to let Reid drive, and you were fiddling with the radio when he spoke for the first time. 

“I keep… thinking about what there is to say to you, to communicate how much we’re all here for you, how much we all love you and we all want what’s best for you, and it feels like everything just falls short. I have an IQ of 187 and I still can’t find the words, but I can’t say nothing. I was scared for you. I’m proud of you, and if you need anything I just want you to know I’m here. I might not have the right words but I promise to listen, and to make sure you feel heard.” The words stumble out of Spencer awkwardly, but still strike you with their sincerity. You sniffle a little before responding. 

“I know, Reid. I know how much you all care for me. I’ve never doubted that for a second. Thank you.” You tell him, your voice thick with emotion. 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” 

“I am.” You tell him with a confident nod. “Or, at least, I’m getting there. I did the hard part. I got out.” 

A few hours later, you were at the police station with Reid, narrowing the geographic profile and spitballing with victimology, when one of the local officers poked his head into your makeshift office-space. 

“Another body dropped. The town librarian.” 

“Two in one day?” You asked. 

“He’s spree killing now. He’s devolving.” Reid supplemented. 

“Do you think it was random? He was killing first responders. The librarian doesn’t fit.” 

“Could be,” Reid agreed. 

“Have you called the rest of our team?” You asked the officer. 

“Not yet.” 

“We’ll call.” You told him, and he nodded. You pulled out your phone and dialed Hotch as Reid crossed the room to call JJ. 

“Hotchner,” he said into the phone. 

“Hey, it’s me. Another body just dropped.”  

“He’s devolving.” Aaron sighed

“It was the local librarian.” 

“But he was killing--” He started, but you could hear the words he was going to say before he even thought them.

“First responders, I know.” 

Aaron let out a deep sigh. “If I take Reid off of babysitting duty, are you going to behave?” He asked. 

You rolled your eyes. “Sure, but I reserve the right to bitch about it when this is over.” 

“Noted. Tell him to meet us at the next scene, please?” He asks of you.

“Will do. Stay safe out there.” 

“You too.” Hotch said before hanging up. 

You sent Reid off to meet up with Hotch, and sat back down in front of your case files and notes, determined to find something written between the lines. After a tortuously slow thirty minutes, a thought occurs to you. You step into the police bullpen and get the attention of one of the officers. 

“Hey. Does this town contract out its EMS services?” 

“No,” the officer tells you. “They’re all employed by the town. They’re paid with a mix of taxpayer and grant dollars.” 

“So they’re government employees?” 

“Yeah.” The officer confirms, and you pull your cell phone out of your pocket, heading out a side door to get a little bit of air and some better reception to call Garcia. 

“What’s new bugaboo?” Garcia asks as she picks up the phone, and you can’t help but smile. The sunshine felt warm on your face as you paced the empty back lot of the police station. 

“Hey, Garcia. Is there any way to track if anyone in town has some sort of anti-government bias?” 

“I can look for fringe political groups-- if the unsub is a member, that might help, but it would take me days to just search through every resident’s social media.” 

“That’s okay, start there. Look for white men between 23 and 45. If I think of anything else that might weed it out I’ll let you know.”

“Okay, kitten. Are we talking strict anarchists here, or should I be looking at groups like--” 

Garcia continued, but you couldn’t hear her over the sound of a gun cocking and the sensation of cold metal at the back of your head. You gasped. 

“Sweetie? Did you think of something?”

“It’s time to put the phone down.” A voice said from behind you. You took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. 

“Who was that? Are you okay?” Garcia asked.

“Go on,” the voice said. “Hang up the phone. Don’t be dumb.” 

You hung up the phone without saying another word to Garcia. The man dragged his gun down your spine, resting it against the middle of your back. “To think, I came here thinking I might kill a couple of cops, and I ended up with an FBI agent. Talk about an upgrade.” You tried to subtly reach for your gun, but it was useless. He strikes you in the head with the barrel of his gun before you can react. “Come on, sweet thing. I told you not to play dumb with me.” 

“You really think you can kill an FBI agent outside of a fully staffed police station without getting caught? And you’re going to call me dumb?” You asked, hoping that he couldn’t hear the fear laced in your voice.

“Who said anything about not getting caught?” He chuckled. “We all die eventually. Might as well make it worth my while.”

tagging:  @the-modernmary @greeneyedblondie44 @angelic-kisses13 @wanniiieeee @hotforhotchner11  @baumarvel @ssamorganhotchner @zheezs14​

[glytchfic]

We started as a spark. PART 2.

David Dastmalchian x Fem!Reader

Bonjour! There goes Part 2, it’s a bit longer than Part 1. Look, i was truly inspired, okay? Anyway, i’m letting you guys decide which Tom is it, it’s up to you - wink wink -. And I’ve decided to change the name of the story, it’s still from the same song but i thought it was more fitting. 

Special thanks to everyone who’s reading me, i really appreciate it. Comments, complaints, the usual!

PS: Since i’m pretty new to the whole Tumblr thing, can anyone explain to me how am i suppose to do a ‘read more’ option on my post so people who doesn’t want to read it don’t have to scroll for so long? lol, i feel stupidddddd.

Enjoy!

Rating: 18+

Warnings: slow burn, foul language, flirting, sexual tension, drinking, brief mention of marital problems. 

Inspired by the song False Alarm by Matoma and Becky Hills.

___________________________________________________________

‘How about this one?’

‘You are not gonna get laid in this one, trust me.’ my friend tells me.

‘What if, and it might sound totally crazy, I don’t wanna get laid?’ I say, amused.

‘At a wedding? Bullshit.’  

I laugh a bit and go back to my cabin to change again. I look at all the possibilities in front of me, pink puffy dress, green silk dress and a white dress. I scowl looking at the white dress. As if I would wear that to someone else’s wedding. I draw the curtains of the cabin, only in my underwear, and look at Alica.

‘I’m desperate. For the love of God, find me something.’ I whine.

‘Why do you care so much about this wedding anyway?’ she says as she browses through a bunch of dresses behind her.

‘David will be there.’

‘The guy who looks like a serial killer?’

‘He does not -’ I begin, walking towards her, ‘he’s a sweet guy.’  

‘And he’s married.’ she states.

‘Yes, he is.’ I mutter.

After a long silence, she gently slaps me on my arm, ‘Oh my god! Are you serious? I thought you didn’t sleep with married men!’

‘I don’t!’ I defend myself, ‘I just – I don’t know. I wanna be smoking hot at Sean’s wedding and the fact that David is there might or might not have a direct link to my desperate search for the perfect dress. We might never know.’ I say with a bit of sarcasm.

‘Sweetie,’ she puts her hands on my shoulders, ‘I’m sure he’s a fantastic guy, but don’t get too hyped about him. You’re gonna get yourself hurt.’ she says in a gentle tone.

‘I -’ I stammer, ‘Look, it’s just a dumb crush. I’ll be over it after a new one-night stand.’

‘Are you sure?’ she questions me.

‘Sure. I mean, yeah, I’d climb this guy like a fucking tree -’

‘You’re unbelievable.’ she cuts me off.

‘Buuuuuut -’ I motion to her to let me finish, ‘I can’t, and I won’t. I honestly think David and I can be good friends. Whether you believe me or not, I really do think that.’ I reassure her.

‘I do believe you, but please, just be careful. I’m telling you this because I care about you.’ she says while putting a strand of my hair behind my ear.  

‘I know and if you were in my shoes, I would be telling you the same thing.’ I smile at her.

‘I know.’ she smiles back.

I hesitate a few seconds, ‘So anyway, as I was saying: like a fucking tree -’ I joke and start laughing.

‘Oh my god!’ she throws a black dress at my face, ‘go try this one. Hopefully, it’ll help you get some.’

_

Car keys in hands, I lock my car and walk toward the ceremony. I put my keys in my purse and see I have a text message from Alica wishing me good luck for the evening and all. I text back a simple ‘Thanks, love you xx’ and I put in back in my purse. I stop in front of the door, and I observe my surroundings. I see a few faces I recognize, and they wave at me. I wave back and smile at them. This event won’t be that bad. I’ll probably run into lots of people I know – from the industry – that I haven’t seen in a long time. Good opportunity to catch up.

‘Wow! You look beautiful!’

I hear a familiar voice and turn around. I see Daniela – Melchior, aka Ratcatcher 2 – trotting towards me. She opens her arms; I do the same and we hug each other more tightly than I thought we would. I really do enjoy Daniela’s presence, but she lives in Portugal and only come to the USA from time to time for the pre-production of the film so I haven’t had the chance to get to know her as much as I would have liked.

‘I didn’t think you would be here!’ I say, surprised.

‘Me neither, but James convinced Warner Bros to pay for my plane ticket and told them it was work related.’ she says, excited.

I laugh, ‘Of course he did that.’

I’ve known James for years and I would’ve been surprised if he hadn’t arranged for Daniela to be here for his brother’s wedding. James is always like that; he wants to create a sense of family with his crew, and no one is left behind.  

‘I’m so nervous.’ Daniela says quietly.

‘How come?’

‘I don’t know anyone here except for the Suicide Squad gang.’ she muttered, looking down.

‘Hey, gotta start somewhere, right?’ I gently put my hand under her chin, and I slowly raise her head. ‘don’t worry about anything, we got you.’ I wink at her, and a beautiful smile appears on her face.

‘Thanks.’

Daniela is, by far, the youngest of the group. She’s barely 23 years old, she’s from Portugal, English is not her first language, and The Suicide Squad is her first big international role. I remember the first time I saw her, she looked so intimidated being surrounded by all of us, but she’s learning so fast and I can’t wait to see what she’ll give us once we’re on set.

‘Let’s go, it’ll probably starts soon.’ I wrap a protective arm around her, and we walk through the front door.

_

‘I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!’ the priest exclaims.

Sean grabs Nathasha – now officially his wife – by her waist and they kiss each other passionately. Everyone stands up and applauds to congratulate the newly married couple. Daniela grabs my arm, all excited by Sean and Nathasha walking down the aisle. I look at them, a huge smile on my face, and something – someone – caught my attention in the background.

‘What are you looking at?’ Daniela questions me, ‘hey look, David is over there!’ she says pointing in his direction.

Oh, poor child, if only you knew. Everyone starts following the married couple down the aisle and Daniela gently grabs my hand so we can’t get separated. Walking through this crown of Sean and Nathasha’s friends, Daniela and I find the exit and get there just in time to see the newly married couple leaving the place to go to the reception. I smile as I look at the car disappearing from my sight, I turn around towards Daniela and I freeze, my smile slowly fading away.

‘What’s the matter?’ Daniela asks, worried.

She follows my gaze and sees what I was looking at. David walking towards us, hand in hand with his – I assume – his wife. He waves at us and Daniela waves back at him while I’m still not moving. This shouldn’t be a surprise really. It makes perfect sense that he’s at a wedding ceremony with his wife and – fucking hell – she's pretty.

‘Hi, I’m Evelyn!’ she says with enthusiasm.

And she seems so nice. And has a good vibe. And they look like a great couple. And – fuck – I feel horrible for all the thoughts I’ve had – and still have – about her husband in the last two months. Daniela, still holding my hand, looks between me and her a few times and squeezes my hand a bit as if she was comforting me. I can hear them make small talk about the wedding and all, but I’m not paying attention. I see David trying to catch my gaze, but every time I either look at Daniela or his wife. I feel like such a spoiled brat, I shouldn’t be affected that much by this. I don’t want to marry him goddamn it, I just wanna – but I won’t - have sex with him. It’s just an attraction. A deep, intense and consuming attraction, but still an attraction, nonetheless. Why am I like this?  

‘Are you okay?’ Daniela asks, still worried.

I don’t answer as I look David and his wife walking towards their car, probably on their way to the ceremony. Daniela put her other hand on my back and hugs me a little.

‘I know what it feels like.’ she simply whispers close to my ear.

‘What do you mean?’ I mutter, getting back to reality.

‘I have been there before. It will be fine, trust me.’ she hugs me a bit tighter.

I turn my head towards her, and she gives me a warm smile.

‘Is it really that obvious?’

She laughs, ‘Come on, we have to go.’

Fuck, she knows.

_

Drink in hand, I’m on the dance floor with Daniela and we’re giving everything we have. Screaming the lyrics to the Icona Pop song ‘All Night’, she takes my free hand, and we start spinning, laughing and stumbling around. The last note of the song echoed on the dance floor, and I look at Daniela, out of breath.

‘How long have we been here? Jesus.’ I say catching my breath.

‘Long enough for this guy at the bar to completely undress you with his eyes.’ she subtly points me the direction with her chin.

I turn around to see the handsome stranger and I chuckle a bit. It’s no stranger, I know this guy. I look at Daniela as I finish my drink, I put it on the table next to us and I wink at her before leaving.

‘Hey Tom.’ I say seductively.  

‘Good evening, gorgeous.’ He flirts back in his English accent.  

Tom and I aren’t at our first ride together. We have history together, nothing serious really, but we do appreciate each other a lot. And he’s a good fuck, there I said it. For what feels like hours – who knows how long – we catch up, flirt, have a few drinks, hands wandering here and there. I feel myself getting more and more tipsy as the minute goes by. As Tom was whispering sweet nothings in my ear, something else caught my attention a bit far away. David and his wife, talking. They both move their hands a lot. Oh. I’m an idiot. They’re arguing. Not the ‘imma-scream-and-make-a-scene’ type of argument, but you can clearly see something is going on. After a few minutes, they both seem to have calm down. David put his hand on Evelyn’s hips and tries to kiss her, but she turns her head away, kissing her cheek instead. She gives him a weak smile and leaves. David sighs, rubs his forehead and walks towards the bar.

‘Tom, could you give me a moment, please? I think my friend’s not feeling good.’ I say, worried.

‘Of course, darling.’  

I get up and finally realize that I’m a bit more drunk that I thought I was, but nothing too crazy. I’ve seen worse, way much worse. I stabilize myself and walk towards the other bar where David was sitting all by himself, leaning his forehead against the palm of his left hand as the other was mindlessly scrolling on his phone.  

‘What is a handsome place like this doing in a man like you?’ I say, thinking I’m incredibly funny.

He turns around to look at me, a weak smile on his lips.

‘That was dumb as fuck, I’m sorry. Can -’ I sit down next to him, ‘can I buy you a drink or something?’

‘That’s very nice of you, but I don’t drink.’ He simply says.

‘Oh.’

I look around, a bit awkward. Even though there’s loud music playing permanently, it feels like there’s a heavy silence between us. I decide to stay right next to him and I start scrolling on my phone too.

‘You don’t have to do this, you know.’ He mutters.

‘Oh, I insist! S’cuse me, sir -’ the barman turns towards me, ‘can I have two glasses of water pretty please?’ the barman nods.

‘You’re unstoppable, aren’t you?’ Another weak smile appears on his lips.

‘Always. So -’ the barman puts down the glasses in front of us, ‘you wanna talk about it?’ I risk myself.

‘Not really, actually.’ He sighs.

‘It’s perfectly fine! So, hmm, ah yes! I watched this horror movie the other day, I’m sure you would have love it! There’s this girl, y’know? She slept with a guy she went on a movie date with. After their sexy time this asshole fucking drugs her with – what's it called – that liquid they use on washcloths in movie to make people fall asleep and kidnap them?’

‘Chloroform.’ He chuckles.

‘This! Yes! So anyway, she falls asleep and when she wakes up, she’s tied up on a chair! And then there’s this weird looking naked woman walking towards the girl and turns out this woman is actually a ghost now chasing the girl and the guy slept with her because you can pass this ghost curse through sex. Can you fucking believe that?’

‘I cannot believe it.’ He says, clearly amused.

‘Does it make sense? Should I stop? Sorry, I’ve been drinking tonight.’ I say, a bit embarrassed.

‘No, no! Please, tell me more.’

And I keep babbling about the movie It Follows and as I go, I realize that most of the things I say don’t make any sense at all, but as long as David keeps smiling and laughing, I’ll just keep going. At one point of the story, he bursts out laughing which makes me smile so much that my jaw is almost hurting.  

‘There it is. That smile.’ I simply say.

Hu blushes, ‘Thanks.’

We look at each other for a few seconds and I motion him to drink water, which he does. I do the same and I almost choke on my water when I hear ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ by Olly Murs starts playing. I put down my glass and take David by the arm with enthusiasm.  

‘That’s my song, come on David!’ I pull on his arm.

He laughs and I can feel him letting himself go. He follows me on the dance floor, and I start dancing, encouraging him. He looks around, with a small smile on his lips and he looks back at me, rubbing his neck with his hand. I reach out to him, and he grabs my hands. Laughing and moving around, we can’t stop looking at each other as we’re having the time of our life. I suddenly stop when I feel a hand – not David’s - on my shoulder.

‘I was looking everywhere for you, darling.’ he says slipping his hand down my back, ‘I’m Tom.’ he stares at my partner.

‘David.’ he simply answers.

‘I’m going back to my place, darling. Care to join me?’ he gets closer to me.

Still holding David’s hand, I look between him and Tom, unsure of myself. I glance at David who gives me a reassuring smile. I know he wouldn’t be mad at me. I mean, I do wanna get laid. But.

‘Sorry, Tom. I’m staying.’ I say confidently as I feel David’s hands gently squeezing mine.

‘Oh, I see.’ he bends towards me and kiss me on the temple, ‘call me, okay?’

I nod and watch him leave the place. I exhale deeply and turn back towards David who has a cheeky smile on his face. He rubs my hand a little bit with his thumbs, and he laughs.

‘Did I just cock-blocked you?’

‘I think you did.’ I laugh back.

He hesitates, ‘It’s not too late if you want to join him.’ he says looking in the direction Tom left.

‘No! I -’ I cut him off, ‘I’d rather stay here.’ I say under my breath.

He smiles, ‘Where were we?’ he starts dancing again.

_

Quoting our favorite movies, David and I are walking down my street. I would be lying if I said I was still drunk, I’m not. I haven’t had a drink since I went to see David at the bar, but I don’t feel like I need the effect of alcohol to enjoy myself right at this moment.  

‘You didn’t have to walk me home, y’know?’ I shiver.

‘I know, but I wanted to.’ hey says as he wraps his jacket around my shoulders.

I blush and look down at my feet. We walk down the rest of the street in a comfortable silence and I’m here, wondering what would happen next if he wasn’t married. I push those thoughts away as I see my apartment complex in front of me.

‘Home sweet home.’ I sigh, not wanting this night to ever end.

‘Home sweet home, indeed.’ he replies, ‘look,’ he hesitates a few seconds, ‘thank you for tonight. I truly mean it.’ he says with a warm smile.

I feel my heart beating faster, ‘Anything for you, David.’

He looks down, bites his lips and looks back at me, ‘I forgot to tell you,’ he gets closer, ‘you looked lovely tonight.’ he gently takes back his jacket from my shoulders.

I catch my breath, ‘Thanks.’

‘Sweet dreams.’ he whispers.

‘Good night.’ I whisper back and he smiles.

He turns around and starts walking again. I look at him for a few seconds before I enter my apartment complex with a sigh of – I don’t know – frustration or relief, I wouldn’t be able to say which one.

‘Are you okay, miss?’ Alexander, the night shift lobbyist, asks me.  

‘Yes, I’m fine.’  

No, Alexander, I’m not fine. My core is throbbing, my heart is racing, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this fucking horny.