#yeah yeah I know time war trauma
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there were many narrative reasons rtd couldn’t bring the master back during the ninth doctor’s run. but on a character level I’m pretty confident nine would’ve just. left him to die when he inevitably got himself in a Situation
#you know like a Disney villain death#yeah yeah I know time war trauma#but I think he would have incredibly limited patience for ‘we’re the last of our kind!’#and would fully lose it if someone threatened rose#doctor who#ninth doctor
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@general-illyrin @tar-thelien @who-needs-words I think you all mentioned being interested in the reverse gondolin au - is anyone interested in helping with wrangling the timelines, especially the second age stuff? Here's the current outline:
(Edit: anyone feel free to help out if you're interested!)
YT 14365 - Birth of Lomion
YT 14373/FA 1 - Death of Argon
FA
2 - Aredhel adopts Lomion
300 - Birth of Idril
316 - Turgon & Idril kidnapped by Eol
400 - Turgon & Idril rescued. Death of Eol
465 - Finrod more-peacefully passes throne to orodreth while on Quest. Everyone except beren still dies
472 - Nirnaeth. Turgon named High King of the Noldor.
476 - Turgon abdicates official title. Aredhel named High King of the Noldor.
496 - Tuor comes to Gondolin
502 - Wedding of Idril and Tuor
503 - Births of Earendil and Elwing. Idril begins to have foresight dreams about the Fall.
506 - Second Kinslaying. C^3 dead, celebrimbor stays in gondolin. Aredhel denounces the oath/kinslaying and disowns C^3
Elwing survives & is found by Oropher & Thranduil // Galadriel & Celeborn. oropher, thranduil, oropher's wife, and thranduil's then-gf // galadriel & celeborn take Elwing to Gondolin as refugees. The Silmaril is left hidden in the woods of melian's domain.
507 - Elwing comes to Gondolin.
509 - Idril captured by Morgoth. Idril reveals the location of Gondolin in exchange for an Oath to not harm her family (Turgon, Tuor, and Earendil). Idril rescued.
510 - Gondolin prepares for war with Morgoth.
513-522 - Siege of Gondolin. Deaths of Duilin and Rog. Gothmog slain by Aredhel the Huntress. First use of the Three Rings by Lomion and Celebrimbor in defense of Gondolin. House of the Hammer of Wrath destroyed.
523 - Maedhros believes a Silmaril is with Elwing at Gondolin.
525 - Earendil weds Elwing. Lomion weds ???. Adoption of Gil-Galad
532 - Births of Elrond and Elros.
538 - Third Kinslaying at Gondolin. Death of Amras. Elrond and Elros kidnapped by Maglor. Deaths of Elwing and Turgon. Second use of the Three Rings by Lomion and Celebrimbor. Deaths of Maedhros and Aredhel. Lomion named King of Gondolin and High King of the Noldor. Deaths of Salgant, Penlod, and Tuor. Earendil named Lord of the House of the Wing.
540-549 - War declared between Gondolin and the Feanorians of Himring over the Third Kinslaying and kidnapping of Princes Elrond and Elros.
549 - Elrond and Elros recovered. Feanorians and Gondolin severely weakened. Celebrimbor // Gil-Galad declared heir to the High Kingship.
552-554 - Second Siege & Fall of Gondolin. Third use of the Three Rings by Lomion and Celebrimbor. Deaths of Ecthelion, Glorfindel, Egalmoth, and Turgon. Idril and Celebrimbor lead survivors through the Secret Way.
555 - Gondolithlim refugees arrive at Sirion.
556 - Idril departs for Valinor.
558 - Earendil searches for Valinor.
560 - Havens of Sirion destroyed by Morgoth. Gondolithlim/Doriathrim survivors scattered. Elrond and Elros rescued (as adults) by Maglor.
572 - Morgoth controls Beleriand. Earendil and reembodied Elwing come to Valinor and rally the Host.
575-617 - War of Wrath
618 - Maglor claims the Silmaril from Eonwe's camp and casts himself into the Sea. Death of Maglor.
620 - End of the First Age.
SA
1 - Founding of the Grey Havens and Lindon under High King Lomion
2 - Elros becomes the first King of Numenor
c. 500 - Sauron returns to Middle-Earth in the East.
650 - Eregion is founded
1000 - Galadriel is given Vilya; Lomion wields Nenya
1170 - Annatar comes to Lindon and Lomion turns him away. Lomion warns Celebrimbor of Eregion of his suspicions.
1200 - Annatar comes to Eregion. Celebrimbor takes him in to monitor.
1250 - Celebrimbor creates the Seven; Lomion creates the Nine.
1410 - Annatar is kicked out of Eregion.
1600 - The One Ring is forged. Sauron remains in hiding.
1610 - Sauron begins to gather and prepare armies in the East.
1673 - War of the Elves and Sauron begins.
1675 - Sauron invades Eriador.
1677 - Fall of Ost-in-Edhil. Celebrimbor and Lomion remain at the House of the Mirdain. Death of Celebrimbor in battle // Fourth use of the Three in battle. Sauron does not learn of the Seven. Founding of Imladris.
1678 - Sauron defeated by the Numenoreans and the Elves of Lindon.
1679 - Sauron flees to Mordor. First White Council held.
3147 - Civil war in Numenor.
3225 - Ar-Pharazon seizes the Sceptre.
3228 - Elrond claims the Sceptre. Ar-Pharazon disowned. Tar-Miriel named Ruling Queen.
3232 - Sauron taken to Numenor as a prisoner.
3274 - Elrond kicks Sauron out of Numenor and outlaws the morgoth cult.
3310 - Morgoth cult publicly reappears.
3319 - Downfall of Numenor. Tar-Miriel leads a greater force of the Faithful away.
(green // blue means two main options, red means i need to think about it more)
The main details I'm figuring out right now are
does Celebrimbor still die at Eregion - I don't think he's getting captured/tortured, but he could still die in the battle. On the other hand, he could probably survive by using Narya & Lomion using Nenya, but that would definitely have repercussions further down the line
how does Idril's deal work - I'm currently thinking of Idril exchanging the location of Gondolin for her family's guaranteed safety, because it seems in character for Reverse Idril? But on the other hand, even if I limit it to immediate family at the time of the oath (tuor, turgon, earendil) then idk where turgon dies? Maybe Maglor can kill him but that seems kind of random
where and how does Turgon die
how does Prince Elrond's character even work
how does Numenor still fall when factoring in Prince Elrond - I'm thinking that the morgoth death cult gained enough traction during the time sauron was there that even after Elrond kicks him out, the cult still sticks around and reemerges later? The Fall still happens, but they never go to attack valinor and there's a good deal more Faithful (maybe 40-60%?)
#silm#silmarillion#not art#reverse gondolin au#basically elrond is giving me a Lot of trouble here#i tacked an extra 30 years onto the FA (so the SA dates are mostly shifted up by 30 years to balance it out; hence elros being king in SA 2#this means e&e were adults during the Fall of Gondolin and the war of wrath and all#so instead of 'kind as summer' elrond of the last homely house in rivendell#we have gondolithrim veteran/dragonslayer Prince Elrond of Imladris Stronghold#and later the Bastion of the Faithful of Numenor#ironically enough he turned out way more feanorian when not raised by feanorians#instead of sirion e&e's defining Childhood Trauma was the gondolin kinslaying#in which mae and aredhel duel to the death while screaming at each other about fingon's fate and the Oath#and argon and elenwes deaths on the helcaraxe#also elwing fully died trying to protect them in this one#and then e&e were like 20something and sons/grandsons of two Lords durign the FoG so obviously they ended up fighting there too#and then again at the war of wrath#and by the mid SA elrond has already lived through so many wars he's running rather low on hope#so Prince Elrond still tries to be kind but is also substantially more willing to threaten people if need be#after eregion he founds imladris as a haven but also an impenetrable fortress#he saw the fall of gondolin and he knows that rivendell couldn't last forever#but he believes he can make it last long enough to defeat sauron first#or at least push him back so that the refugees of eregion can rebuild and survive#meanwhile celebrimbor takes up the last homely house role#but yeah Prince Elrond is pretty interesting#he intervenes more with numenor bc hes watching them self destruct and knows (bc foresight) exactly what would happen#so he tries (eventually in vain) to prevent it by disowning and exiling ar pharazon#and later exiling sauron around the time of the burning of nimloth#but it's too late and the morgoth cult already gained enough traction#on the other hand there's a lot more Faithful led by tar-miriel
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thank you J.R.R. Tolkien for writing the most devastating romantic subplot in your lotr books without even realising it
#im talking about sam and frodo sorry everyone#guess who like watched all the extended films and cried#whether you intepret sam and frodo’s love platonically or romantically you have to understand that they are so entwined that it is#devastating nonetheless#the forehead kiss#im on the ground sobbing#dawgs it was such a real depiction of how trauma is irreversible and will change you entirely#frodo baggins#i love him so fucking much guys#i love those little hobbits#samwise gamgee#lord of the rings#i could and most likely will write an essay on this#samfro#dawg sometimes love can be both platonic and romantic as queer love is not to be constrained by heteronormative values#sorry did i read too far into the little fantasy story#dude i was not expecting a story about the horrific effects of war racism and power corrupt addiction when i sat down in front of the telly#jokes on the side frodo looking absolutely miserable at sam’s wedding is so fucking real#i get it’s because he knows he cant move on and he is forever changed by his trauma but also that hobbit gay#his wound from the witch king never healing being a symbolic representation of his trauma FUCKS ME UP#frodo you may have been a whiny bitch at times but like yeah that ring probably did weigh a fuck ton and i was worse on my dofe expedition#i may be fucking too hard with lotr#lotr#teehee
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i think some people shouldn't be talking about how fun it is to make fun of someone when their (minor!) girlfriend had a whole space filled with both minors and adults explicitly discussing and sharing fetish content. y'know if you actually cared about your girlfriend you wouldn't let her set up a very dangerous situation, not to mention an illegal one! ever thought about that behind your anime girl *cackle*?
#yeah i was 16 in your freaky chat. a 13 year old got in. 16+ my ass. because 16 year olds are the pinnacle of maturity and are exempt-#from ever getting sexually exploited.#this isn't a vague post btw if june or raz sees this i give zero shits about you but i do hope you get put on a list for your actions!#saying this as a fat person who was exploited at 11 there's no bias or internalized fatphobia card you can pull here sorry.#unfortunately you also cannot hide behind it being grooming slash trauma either you have to take accountability for your actions. sorryy~!!#yeah man im done hiding behind this being hearsay and making a war or whatever stupid shit. role 'match my freak' and 'F' had minors in it.#i know because i was one of them!#anyway. not to sound like a silly cat but unless one of you decides to mole this to them i dont think i'm going to waste my time on this.
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I realized today that if you put Dipper Pines, Janner Wigiby* and Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III in a room together with Ford’s journals, Pembrick’s Creaturepedia and a book about dragons they’d probably never leave.
Meanwhile, Mabel, Kalmar and Camicazi are outside committing war crimes and Leeli’s trying to teach Fishlegs to play a whistleharp.
*last name misspelled on purpose because there are new fans lurking about. thanks Peet.
#gravity falls#the wingfeather saga#how to train your dragon#httyd books#tags may have spoilers#toothless and stormfly are helping commit the war crimes in case you wondered#the boys are having a grand time sharing their knowledge of weird critters and locations#meanwhile camicazi has decided she must rob the Mystery Shack and kal and mabel are all for it#leeli: oh you want to be a bard? here let me teach you#fishlegs: so do you also have trauma from almost getting eaten by dragons?#leeli: .... yeah. also my brother can talk to them#fishlegs: really?! my best friend can talk to dragons!#ajhgaflskjhd wait can janner speak dragonese#can. can he understand the dragons in the httyd universe?#he meets furious and is like 'yeah I know a guy like you' and furious is like '?!?! YOU AREN'T EVEN SPEAKING DRAGONESE WHAT IS HAPPENING'#janner having entire conversations with dragons except instead of speaking dragonese he's just staring at them reading their minds ajhghajks#I have already covered at length the potential friendship between the wingfeather and pines kids in wingfeather falls so ajghasjfkd
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The story’s going along fine for now, but I’m just saying for a series titled “Leveling up my Husband to the Max”, 30 chapters in, there is still a distinct lack of levelling husband.
#leveling up my husband to the max#she’s like ‘I’m keeping him at arms length#and I’m like ‘girl you are actively trying to push him out of your life’#getting him to address you formally#sleeping separately#telling him to his face you dislike him#not talking to him about HIS OWN HOUSE AFFAIRS#(and I am pissed that she forgot she said that)#(she couldn’t feel like talking to him about house problems)#(and they never resolve that)#everyone in the comments like ‘trauma’s hard gotta earn her trust’ and I get that#but so far he has#listened to her and ditched the battlefront because she simply asked#has told her multiple times that her assumption that he dislikes her are false#stood up for her when he’s around to her getting talked down on#STOOD UP TO HIS FUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHER FOR HER WHILE SHENWAS THERE TO WITNESS IT#even if she doesn’t know his backstory THAT IS A FAIR BIT#IT TOOK TIL 20-ISH CHAPTERS FOR HER TO REALISE THAT MAYBE THE WAR PTSD HE HAD IN THE FIRST LIFE WASN’T SO GREAT#DUDE’S BLUSHING EVERYTIME SHE THROWS HIM A CRUMB OF A COMPLIMENT AND SHE KEEPS THINKING HE’S ACTUALLY SNUBBING HER#HE’S A LITTLE OVERPROTECTIVE YEAH BUT SHE WAS A FORMER WEALTHY LADY AND THE LAND HE GOVERNS SUCKS#Maybe I’m sensitive because poor dude has communication problems thanks to insecurity#and I also have communication problems thanks to insecurity#and to see her interpreting them negatively#MY NIGHTMARE COME TRUE#I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM MAN#THIS SERIES HAS BEEN DOING HIM DIRTY FOR 30 CHAPTERS#AND I AM BEGINNING TO DOUBT THIS PAYOFF
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There needs to be more awareness about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I went to the dentist to get cavities filled and didn’t know I needed more numbing agent until after they started the operation.
#ehlers danlos syndrome#dentist trauma#it late#shut up sky#eds awareness#the irl experience is too much to discuss on here#I’ve had worse#but yeah���#it’s very stress inducing to go into detail#I did get the filling done#but it was like coming out of an active war zone#idk how dentists don’t know how to perform dentistry#but 9.5 times out of 10 this always happens#eds is a bitch to live with
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,,,I hope you dont mind me adding my thoughts but I feel like I have to disagree?
like, objectively, yeah, you're right about Simon & his circumstances & the world of the show. ,,,but that's also what adventure time is. a show. a cartoon, at that. it was a kids show, meant for kids to see themselves or their friends or their families in (i know many people who were in love with simon & marceline's plotline as kids because they had family members with dementia or something similar). and we were all kids when we watched it and now all we're a little older and it's grown up a little more, too.
it's still... a TV show. it's its own fictional story but parts of it are meant to symbolize real life and speak to the audience in that way. like in varmints– yeah, the objective heavy overarching plot there is that bubblegums lost everything she worked so hard for and spent her entire life building up with her own two hands, and yeah losing your kingdom to some douchebag guy is not exactly something anyone in reality is gonna relate to. but when she outright says that she "pushed everyone away" and that "if [she] shut everything out and just focused on work it would all be okay." and at the end when she says she's crazy tired, and has been for a long time...... that's something an audience can understand. the overworking, from school or actual work or even just hobbies, the exhaustion and the lonliness she caused herself, that's what we're supposed to be able to relate to.
it's a fantasy world, and so the stakes are gonna be tremendously high in a way they literally just cant be in reality. yes, there's a giant weight to the fact that simon spend millenia literally losing himself and everyone he's ever loved. ,,,,when you connect that to what is almost explicitly real-world depression, it's not 'whittling down his character'- it's interpreting the show and characters in your own way through your lense, which is.... what you are supposed to do with shows.
saying that simon is depressed or even suicidal isnt a disservice to his character at all, even in the fionna campbell intro she casually mentions wanting to die, and has trouble getting out of bed. and simon has a lot of trouble smiling and making it convincing, and even finn tries using real-life mental health methods to help him (keeping him distracted and such) (even if they dont work).
it just feels like in a show where its shown over and over again that simons experiences are affecting his mental health negatively,,,, its weird to think that relating to that experience or putting a word on it is somehow like. bad. or missing the point of the show.
It shouldn't be that serious but I haaate people summarizing Simon and his struggles in Fionna and Cake as the symptoms of one mental illness or another. Like, his struggle with being content now that he's Simon again echo depression and he very well may have it. The way I've seen some people examine his character and conflict through a pathological lens, though, just picks out what words and actions they can diagnose as some documented and studied condition. They divorce his character and conflict from his setting, his time as the Ice King, and how he fits in the extended narrative of Adventure Time.
Simon is a pre-mushroom bomb era human in a post-mushroom bomb world. The people he knew, the surroundings he's come to understand, and the life trajectory he had going are all long gone. He's come to in a new society where things function in much more fantastical, irrational, and advanced ways. He's been a part of this society- even shaping it- as the Ice King, and now he must continue playing into the happenings of Ooo as Simon Petrikov. The new civilizations are alien, the new Earth functions by new social and natural laws, and he has the remains of new life that disgusts, horrifies, and humiliates him.
Simon spent almost a thousand years as a man stripped of his former values, dignity, and cognisance. As the Ice King, he lost his ability to control himself, and inflicted what would accumulate to be significant harm unto others. He learned how to get along with others by the end of his time as the Ice King, but those years were a blip in the span of a near millennium, and the degree of self-control he learned was basic decency. Simon spent his life before the mushroom bomb developing to be a composed and academic man, and endured having his antecedent personal growth and his own autonomy regarding his identity nullified by the ice crown.
Adventure time is a fantasy show that explores the consequences of the endless possibilities inherent to a fantastical setting. Powerful magic and magical existences destroy and ruin lives, abundances of mystical organisms amount to exhausting effort to defend oneself from danger, and the lack of predictability of what the world has to offer someone next spells out a compromised sense of security and stability.
Simon/the Ice King's story is one example of the show's exploration of the undesirable side of fantasy, and one story that's been built on for over eight years now. It's a story with circumstances unique to the show, with numerous writers informing its contents, with some parts planned and some spontaneous. It's a charged story, and it's narratively reductive to effectively whittle Simon's character and conflict as the showing of a real world mental illness
#ive seen ppl comparing simons call to marcy with stevens call to his dad in future#and yeah no one can relate to being half gem alien with a war rebellion leader mom.#but plenty of people can relate to a feeling of emptiness from not knowing what to do with yourself; and when you reach out to the person#you care about the most it becomes abundantly clear they also cannot help you . thats what its about#so yes its about simons trauma and the people he hurt when he wasnt himself and the time he's lost. it is also about ours#and as someone who struggles with depression; and memory loss; and identity crisis#i mean. i relate to simon alot. thats not odd. thats sort of what he's for#and i do love the pointing out that its about the undesirable parts of fantasty- thats so fucking true#esp with the whole 20th century man exhibit. it just drives home how distant our normal world is and how much youd really miss it#anyway. its just. like its ok to see yourself in tv. thats what the writers want you to do. i promise#adventure time#at spoilers#fac#fionna and cake
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Every generation of shows and media will always have their own version of superwholock. And as much as how the internet cringes at superwholock it's always gonna be an expected phenomenon because people will always find different media that they enjoy and they will always want to see them together. And there's nothing really that bad about it because it's made with pure fun.
So yeah, enjoy your superwholocks. Enjoy your Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragon. And enjoy your pinescones and morditwi. What matters is that your having fun with what you're doing. And if people are bothered by it then that's their problem.
#fandom stuff#posting this because I started looking into ben 10 crossovers again#gonna be honest it really does feel like its own genre#like the whole teenage chosen one needing to juggle highschool and saving the world thing#idk much thoughts about them and how the trauma and expectations placed on them is such a specific experience that#people from their world may not be able to understand hence why it's a fun idea to have ben 10 interact with people like jake long#also I grew up watching them and the idea of your favs interacting would have any 8 yr old foaming in the mouth#and I guess reading excerpts of greek heroes in legends along with common themes and archetypes in different stories and epics#makes me think about these tropes and archetypes and how these myths affect people#or is affecting me right now#but yeah the superwholock thing#I kinda remember how in the post-homerica and in retellings of jason and the argonauts they sometimes put in their have heroe in there#like oh yeah herakles was in the argo along with that one guy he supposedly killed in one of his myths#along with you oyher fave greek heroes#yeah they were all in the argo with Iason#and you know in the trojan war? actually the amazonian queen hyppolita was there and inspired a short lived feminist revolution in Troy#while killing so many of the greek armies#although I haven't checked my sources in a long time#but yeah humanity has always been putting their favorite heroes together for as long as we could remember#so the superwholock phenomena is pretty normal in literature and mythology#idk idk where I'm going with this now and I'm just rambling at this point and there's so much for me to think about#so yeah#marge's stuff#superwholock#rise of the brave tangled dragons#honestly idk how else to tag this#cringe culture is dead#have fun#disclaimer I am not in the superwholock fanbase nor the other one#the most I got into were gravity falls crossovers that happen here and there
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The Bolter
Sirius Black x fem!reader who meet again [5.5k words]
prompt: poly!wolfstar or just Sirius x reader in which they were friends with benefits but it was obvious they loved each other even though they acted like they weren’t. Then, reader finds out shes pregnant and before telling them, they do something stupid. so reader runs away for a few months. When she comes back (only bc she had to for some reason) shes like 6-7 months pregnant
CW: secret pregnancy, angst, FWB to strangers to lovers, second chance fic, post war trauma, both Sirius and reader are meeesssssssssssyyyyy in this! I don't approve of what they've done but I understand it
“So…she’s coming back?” Sirius asked cautiously, focusing more on the condensation pooling on the coaster underneath his pint than the concerned gazes of his two best friends.
“Well, I don’t know if she’s coming back, but she’ll be here for Harry’s birthday.” James mollified, sharing a nervous look with Remus.
“Right.” Sirius murmured around a swallow; throat tight and dry though neither the pint nor the pitcher of water in front of him looked as though they’d be able to help him with the matter.
“Are you going to be alright?” Remus queried, and Sirius offered him the most arrogant scoff he could muster; he missed by a long shot.
“Of course I’m going to be alright.” He huffed. “Why? Can’t two friends see each other after five and a half months of silence?”
“Sirius-” James started, but Sirius carried on.
“She’s the only one who’s been silent, you know?” Though he knew that they did indeed both know. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried reaching out.”
“Pads.” Remus offered consolingly, looking frustratingly like he was going to reach a hand out to Sirius as if he were some over tired toddler on the brink of a meltdown.
“Stop, no I- I’m fine, honest.” He insisted as he took a steadying breath. “I- you… talked to her, then?”
James and Remus shared another look before James allowed the segue.
“Mostly by owl, but she has spoken on the phone with Lily a few times.”
Sirius nodded as he considered this; considered the number of owls Sirius had sent that had gone unanswered - perhaps even unopened if the silence meant anything at all.
“She’s…okay?”
Remus let out a sigh as he shot Sirius a tight smile that looked more like a grimace. “She’s…vague.”
“She doesn’t share a whole lot.” James agreed. “Says she’s fine, things are good. Mostly asks about…all of us, Harry.”
“She’s still staying with that great aunt,” Remus added, “helping her with the property.”
“She seeing anyone?” There was no point in pretending that wasn’t the most pressing matter in Sirius’ mind; of course it was. And as angry and bitter as the idea made Sirius, it would have been his own fault, his own doing. He had no one to blame but himself.
And he’d have to live the rest of his life knowing he was the one who let you slip away - pushed you away - right into the arms of someone else.
“Not that she’s mentioned.” Remus responded honestly; he couldn’t say for sure that you weren’t, but if you were, you clearly hadn’t said anything about it.
“Right.” Sirius offered shortly.
“Pads, I…we would understand if it's too hard for you to see her. If you can’t come-”
“Don’t be daft.” Sirius scoffed deploringly. “I’m not going to miss my godson’s birthday. If anyone should be missing it, it should be her; I’ve been here for the past four and a half months, she’s the one who fucked off for good.”
“Sirius-”
“I don’t understand why you had to invite her!” Sirius shouted then, startling even himself when he realised how breathless he sounded all of a sudden.
James smiled at him sadly; Sirius wished he’d stop doing that. “We wanted all of Harry’s uncles and his aunt to be there, Sirius…it’s important, yeah? We…we almost didn’t get this chance.”
Sirius could feel a wicked migraine coming on; between talking about you, the close calls and the fact that the group of you were all alive following the war by nothing but chance, and the fact that the person Sirius was most angry with was himself, he downed the rest of his pint and flagged the server in favour of having to look at the pitiful gazes being shot at him by Remus and James.
Sirius couldn’t tell if he was eager for Harry’s second birthday or dreading it. But like it or not, Sirius was going to be seeing you again.
It had felt like a good idea at the time.
It felt beyond foolish now, but it had felt like a good idea at the time.
*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐
“Sirius, we just won. We just won, why do you have to leave now?” You practically begged as you followed Sirius through his flat.
“Because if I don’t get out now, I’m going to be stuck here for eternity.” He all but spat at you as he shoved articles of clothing into his duffle rather haphazardly. You felt like grabbing the bag from him and folding them properly if the act wouldn’t leave you feeling like you were aiding and abetting his abandoning you.
“But what about James? And Remus? What about Harry? You fought this war for them, and they for you - we just got them back!”
“And they’ll be here when I’m ready to come home!” Sirius shouted; turning to look at you with wild, red rimmed eyes.
“What about me?” You asked quietly, hating how small you sounded.
“What about you?” He asked; face falling painfully neutral. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought he was occluding.
“I…I don’t know.” You started awkwardly, shrugging one shoulder. “I thought…maybe we’d have a chance now. To try?.”
“Y/N.” Sirius sighed as he rubbed harshly at his eyes; entire being oozed exhaustion at having to have this conversation with you. “Have I not been entirely clear about what this was between us?”
“Right.” You agreed quickly, biting roughly on your lip and looking anywhere but at him as he let his hand fall away from his face.
“It’s…it’s not you, doll-” but even your humourless scoff didn’t derail him “I’m not the kind to settle down and be content I- I wouldn’t be enough for you.”
“I’m not asking you for any more than what we have, Sirius-”
“Yes you are.”
“-I just want you to stay.”
“That’s too much for me.” He stated; his voice never raised though he may as well have screamed it at you. “I cannot sit here and play house, I cannot be that guy for you.”
“Cannot or will not?” You asked quietly, regretting the question the second it came out of your mouth and he looked at you with nothing but pity in his eyes.
“Y/N…”
“I’m sorry I asked.” You let out with a chuckle as you harshly wiped tears from under your eyes.
“It’s…it’s not forever, yeah? I just…I can’t see myself being happy here…not right now, at least; not for a while.”
“Where will you go?” Your voice grated painfully as it came out, but you tried to keep an air of nonchalance about you. You wouldn’t look at him, but you could see his shoulders shrug helplessly.
“I don’t know…everywhere. Anywhere.”
Anywhere was better than stuck here with you, apparently.
“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is.” You offered, and you found that you meant it. As much as it hurt to say, you really, really meant it. Sirius had been fighting and running his entire life, and he finally won. If he wanted to celebrate his victory by taking off to be that rich, vague uncle who popped by with lavish gifts every so often, who were you to deny him?
You loved him.
You were in love with him.
You loved him enough to let him go.
*ೃ༄.ೃ࿐
He had sent James a postcard a few weeks later. Turns out he started in the South of France; his family had a home there that had been left untouched by the war, and Sirius was going to start by figuring out what to do with the property.
And you? Well, you found out you were pregnant.
You suppose it was a small mercy that Sirius wasn’t here to know; you’re sure it would have hurt more hearing him tell you he was leaving if there were two of you he couldn’t find it in him to love. You would have hated it even more if he felt trapped into staying with you just for this.
But all this meant was that you couldn’t stay, either.
You supposed that was alright, though; the life you wanted to build here was with Sirius. You loved your friends, but you had a little one to think about now, too.
You made up a story about a great aunt needing help tending to her property and wishing to be closer to your relatives now that you could be, now that it was safe. No one questioned it, likely because Remus had done the same following the war; moving back home to help his dad and ailing mother tend the property in whatever ways he could.
You found yourself a little cottage, you wrote to the boys and had the occasional phone call with Lily, and you grew.
It had felt like a good idea at the time.
But now you were almost six months pregnant and returning home for the first time since you moved to celebrate your nephew’s birthday with all of your closest friends, the love of your life whose child you were carrying, and none of them knew.
You wondered if you should even go, but the thought of missing out on sweet Harry’s second birthday that the lot of you almost never got the chance to see made your throat constrict with tears you refused to shed since the war.
You wondered if you should tell everyone before you arrived, but the thought of them all discussing you and your pregnancy without you being there left you feeling small and ashamed.
You wondered if you should tell Sirius, but you looked over at the stack of unopened letters he had sent to you in the past four months - the first thin, perhaps a postcard, the second and third were thicker, the fourth was by far the thickest (like he had drafted an autobiography that he wanted you to proofread for him), the fifth was similar to the second, whilst the sixth (the last) couldn’t be more than one page - and wondered how the hell you’d even start that conversation after all this time.
Hey, remember me? Yeah, the bird who caught feelings during our friends with benefits situation that we both agreed would remain platonic amidst a battle for survival and then begged you to stay with no success? Well, whilst you’ve been off probably shagging every beautiful woman across the British Isles, I’ve been pregnant. Right, with your child. How was France, by the way?
You swallowed around your gag reflex and groaned at your image in the mirror. You put on a pair of gingham pants with the baggiest band-tee you could find, planned on sucking in the best you could if anyone (when everyone) insisted on a hug and hoped to every deity that they all just assumed you’d been eating really well since the end of the war.
You smoothed the fabric over your bump one last time before you left - looking at the proof that, if nothing else, you were protecting more than just yourself, and you let that be enough - before you grabbed Harry’s birthday present and called for Potter Manor, throwing a fistfull of floo powder into your fireplace and travelling by way of the flames.
You could hear Harry squealing in delight in one of the adjacent rooms as you stepped into the floo reception room at Potter Manor; a smile taking over your face uninhibitedly at the sounds of the people you loved more than life itself, happy and celebrating.
How could you have gone so long without this?
“Y/N!” Lily shrieked as she made for you, and you sucked in before returning her hug. “Merlin, you're glowing! Where’s your aunt's place again?”
“Erm. Killarney.” You offered; not entirely untrue - you did have an aunt in Killarney.
“Well,” she let out with a breath, eyes turning a touch glassy as they darted across your face, “it seems that Irish air’s been for you.”
You smiled back at your friend before pulling her back in for another hug. “I’ve missed you, Lils.”
“Don’t let it go so long next time, yeah? We can come to you, too; I’m teaching James how to be a muggle, and Harry’s only had the odd burst of accidental magic yet. We could play the part in front of your aunt.”
“I’d love that, Lily.” You responded earnestly.
“Y/N!” James hollered then before you were being bodily tackled by the former quidditch chaser, a brief flash of anxiety at his hold around your stomach abating only when he relinquished his hold on you. “Where in the sodding hell have you been!?”
“Killarney.” Lily answered for you.
“I love Killarney!”
“Have you ever been to Killarney, Prongs?” Remus asked then, appearing in the door as he leaned against the archway.
“No! But I love it there! I just know it!”
“Hey Moony.” You greeted, quickly accepting his open arms and breathing him in.
“We’ve missed you.” He murmured into your hair, and you couldn’t help the traitorous hitch in your heart that he might’ve meant-
“Uncle Pafoo!” Harry squealed, suddenly standing right underneath you.
“That’s right, Haz!” The voice that haunts your dreams called out. “Auntie is here!”
“Hullo, Harry!” You cheered as you picked him up, sucking in before settling on your hip. “Happy birthday, little dude.”
“Am two!” He announced as he held up four fingers.
“You are two! Way to go!” You laughed. “Is everyone here?” You asked the room, shooting Sirius a tight smile so you couldn’t be accused of hostility when your heart stuttered for an entirely different reason.
He looked tired - a bone deep tired that no amount of sleep could rectify - and the bags under his eyes seemed to be chronic. But he was still so beautiful; his hair had grown slightly longer since the last time you’d seen it, the last time you’d run your fingers through it, the last time you’d brought sheers to it, and he donned more than a few new tattoos if the few you could see were enough to go by.
You had to look away.
“Reg’s going to be by after work; his part-time student called in sick so he needed to be there to close the shop himself. Thankfully, they’re only open in the morning on Sunday’s.” Remus explained kindly.
“Good, it’ll be nice to see him.” You offered, and the room fell slightly awkward.
“Uncle Pafoo, aeroplane?” Harry asked then, and whatever exhaustion seemed to be plaguing Sirius vanished as he beamed at his godson.
“Absolutely, little man!” He agreed, holding his arms out and taking Harry’s weight from you.
“Do you want something to drink, Y/N? Wine? Beer, Cider? Juice? Water?” James rapid fire, causing Lily to groan.
“We just got her back, Potter. Do try to control yourself.”
“Water would be great, Jamie. Thank you.” You laughed, following the group into the open concept kitchen-to-living room.
Save the fact that you and Sirius seemed to be doing acrobatics to avoid each other, you were almost stunned at how easy and natural being back here felt. Regulus returned and the two of you shared friendly jibes, Lily caught you up on all of the drama at the Ministry, James strong armed you into agreeing to join them for their next pub quiz night, and Remus said that your old professors all wished you well.
You loved your cottage - the home you’d built for yourself and your little one - but you found yourself feeling homesick for here, and you hadn’t even left yet.
You were leaning on your elbows against the kitchen island, watching Sirius and Regulus pretend to be knights in shining armour as they fought off a fire breathing dragon (Harry) to save the princess (James) when Remus appeared beside you and mirrored your stance.
“It’s not the same without you, you know?” He murmured then.
“But they seem to be alright.” You responded simply, and Remus allowed the two of you to fall into silence for a few beats.
“How far along are you?”
You stood up straight and turned to stare at him in horror, only to see him smiling kindly at you.
“How do you-”
“Lycanthropy - I could smell it on you.” He said with an embarrassed wrinkle of his nose. “I knew Lily was pregnant before she did.”
You shushed him and looked over your shoulder to ensure no one else could hear you.
“Come.” He said with a sigh, gently taking you by the elbow and ushering you out of the sliding doors to the back yard and closing it behind the two of you.
“Remus-”
“Is it his?” He cut you off; his face held no judgement though perhaps just a touch of concern. For you or his best friend/virtual brother-in-law, you weren’t sure.
“Yes.” You whispered, not bothering to clarify who he was talking about; you both knew.
Remus simply nodded as he looked you over. “Is that why you left?”
“He left first.” You hissed petulantly.
“He left you, but you left all of us.” Remus countered somewhat sternly. “Besides, I didn’t ask about him; is this why you left?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because, Remus!” You shouted, tears flooding your vision as you turned to look at him. “Because he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want me. I wasn’t going to force him to come back just because… just because.”
“Don’t you think he should have been able to make that choice for himself?” Remus asked gently.
“He chose! He did choose! He told me he couldn’t play house, he told me he couldn’t be this person for me. I loved him enough to accept that. I loved him enough to let him go.”
“Loved?” Remus asked with a tilt of his head. “Past tense?”
“Remus.” You groaned. “Please.”
“He came back for you, you know.” Remus pointed out. “He left you, you left us, but he came back for you.”
“Stop it.”
“It’s true, Y/N.”
“And so what if it is?” You nearly sobbed. “So what if he did, Remus? What can I do? I can’t go back in time and change my mind, I can’t go back and fix this. He made choices, I made choices, and here we are.”
Remus heaved a sigh and looked at you sadly. “I don't think either of you realise that your choices don’t have to remain permanent; there can be an expiration date on them.”
You were catching your breath from your mini temper tantrum when you heard the glass door slide open, both you and Remus turning to see Sirius standing there almost shy - far shier than you’d ever seen him before.
“Just talk to him? Okay? You..don’t have to tell him now, just…talk to him.” Remus whispered before heading towards the door, clapping Sirius on the back before disappearing back into the house.
“Hey.” Sirius offered cautiously after a few beats of silence, coming to stand beside you as the two of you looked over the railing of the patio to the rest of the manor grounds.
���Hey.” You returned dumbly, clearing your throat before continuing. “You…you look good, Sirius.”
Sirius scoffed, and you could feel your shoulder rising before you saw him smirk at you - if not somewhat sadly - cutting you a playful glare from the corner of his eye. “Did you take up lying there in Ireland?”
You let out a breathy half-laugh. “I’m not lying.”
“Then you need glasses. I look like shite.”
“You look tired.” You amended.
“I’m exhausted.” He agreed, and the two of you lapsed into silence.
“You look good, though.” He continued. “Healthy.”
You hummed in agreement. “Funny what not having to run on rations and broken hours of sleep on military cots does for a person.”
“Why haven’t I heard from you, Y/N?” He blurted then, turning his entire body to face you.
“Sirius, I-”
“Everyone else has. You’ve spoken to Lily on the phone. James and Remus have gotten letters. Even Reg got a postcard for his birthday.”
“I’m sorry.” Was all you could manage to say.
“I wrote to you.” He continued. “Letters, a lot. Did you get them?”
You nodded your head yes shamefully.
“Did you read them?”
You felt your heart splinter at how hopeful and heartbroken he sounded over it. You felt like scum of the earth when you shook your head no, and he let out a sigh.
“I guess that makes me feel a little bit better, then.” He said as he lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.
You found yourself taking a step away from him when you asked “why does that make you feel better?”
He let out a humourless laugh that forced smoke from his lips. “At least now I know that my begging for a second chance, begging you to come home, professing my love for you isn’t what kept you away.”
“Sirius-”
“I messed up, Y/N.” He declared earnestly. “I…I was fucking scared, terrified. I’d spent so much of my life living with one foot on the threshold of hell that after the war, I didn’t know how to live amongst the undead.”
He took a moment to catch his breath as if he’d run all the way here just to tell you something. “And I ran. I bolted, I…”
“You left.” You finished for him.
“I left.” He agreed. “I… I didn’t know, Y/N.”
“Didn’t know what?” You asked as you choked back tears.
“Didn’t know what I had, or what I wanted. Or that I had everything that I wanted.”
“And you do, now? You know what you want?” You asked, and a look of determination painted his features as he met your gaze head on.
“For my entire life, I had never known what family meant, so I wasn’t even aware that I’d created my own with all of you until I’d risked it all. I was so sure I didn’t want to be like my parents that I never realised I may actually…want to be a parent someday. I was so sure I didn’t want to be my father that I never realised I actually did want to be a partner someday. I was so certain I’d never know what true love felt like that I didn’t even realise I had it right here all along with you.”
“Sirius-”
“I messed up. I left. But what I don’t understand is why you did. Or why you stayed away.” He took a step towards you with his cigarette long forgotten in one of his hands, the ash threatening to burn his fingers before you plucked it and stubbed it out on the stone railing. He barely flinched. “Why’d you go?”
“I didn’t want to sit around and wait for you, Sirius. I- it hurt, I was hurt. And then-”
“I’m sorry.” He offered quickly, but you shook your head.
“I’m not telling you this for you to be sorry, I just-”
“I came back for you.”
“But it wasn’t just about me anymore, Sirius!” You shouted then, and you watched his brows furrow before his face fell in horror.
“You’re seeing someone.” He asked, though he phrased it as more of a statement; like he’d been expecting it.
“I’m not seeing anyone, Sirius.” You sighed.
“Then why’d you leave? Why’d you stay away?”
“Because I’m pregnant.” You blurted, and Sirius fell silent. “I’m almost six months pregnant.”
“Six-” He started, eyes falling to your stomach still hidden behind the baggy article of clothing before you smoothed the fabric over your ever rounding bump. “Six months. Six…”
You let him do the maths in the head as he stared hard at your stomach like he was sitting in divination and it was a crystal ball that might just give him the answers if only he stared at it long enough.
“It’s mine?” He finally concluded.
“Yes.” You whispered.
“It’s mine. You’re pregnant, it’s mine.” He murmured, before his eyes met yours again. “You’re pregnant with my child?”
“Right.” You agreed, and he crumpled to a heap on the floor.
“Sirius Orion Black,” Sirius heard Remus hiss, clearly hovering somewhere over him, “I swear to Godric if you do not wake up and eat some of this godsdamned vanilla cake you bought, your brother is going to skin you alive.”
“It’s true.” James agreed from somewhere on Sirius’ other side. “He actually ran to the store when he found out you bought vanilla because he knew Remus wouldn’t eat any of it. Remus is going to get his chocolate cake, and you’re going to get egged.”
“Shut up.” Sirius hissed as he scrunched his eyes closed. “Fuck.”
“How do you feel, mate?” James asked rather jovially as he clapped him roughy on the shoulder.
“Like hell.”
“Why’s that?” Remus joined in.
“Because I was in the middle of a dream and you sods woke me up going on about cake.” He muttered as he opened his eyes, realising then that he’d been propped up on a number of cushions in one of Lily and James’ spare rooms.
“S’he awake?” Lily whispered, and Sirius craned his neck to see you and Lily poke your heads into the room.
“Oh my gods.” Sirius breathed as he sat up, likely far too fast for someone who fell unconscious mere moments ago. “Oh my gods, you’re actually here?”
“Did you hit your head, mate?” James asked as he prodded at Sirius’ head, causing Sirius to swat his arms away as he shifted towards the edge of the bed.
“You’re here.” He whispered as you slowly made your way into the room.
“I’m here.” You offered cautiously, eyes darting around at your oldest friends like there might be some secret threat lurking in the room.
“You’re pregnant…” He tried then, punching the air right out of Lily and James who both spun to stare at you in shock.
You smoothed the fabric of your shirt over your midsection again to expose a very obvious (now that everyone could actually see it) baby bump.
“Oh my gods!” Lily and James chorused, causing Remus to snort.
“You knew, didn’t you!?” Lily accused Remus who held his hands up in surrender.
“Only when she walked in, and not a second sooner.”
“With my child.” Sirius continued, and you nodded at him.
“Y/N.” Lily winced. “You-”
“You sodding scared me!” You shrilled then, grabbing one of the throw pillows James had dumped onto the ground to make room for Sirius and swinging it at him.
“I scared you!?” Sirius shrieked right back, much to the delight of Harry who started banging on the throw pillow that had landed beside him.
“I thought I killed you!”
“Oh, well I’m terribly sorry that finding out the woman I’ve been in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months - who was missing for all intents and purposes, may I remind you - is pregnant with my child happened to be a little shocking.” Sirius sneered sarcastically.
“Well I only went ‘missing’ because the man I’ve been hopelessly in love with for years and pining hopelessly over for months took off an-” The abrupt end of your statement nearly gave the room whiplash as you cut yourself off mid sentence and stared at Sirius like you’d never seen him before.
“What…what just happened?” James whispered carefully.
“Years?” You whispered then, and Sirius hated every version of himself that deigned to let you go without knowing just how loved you were.
“Probably when we were still just cosmic dust.” Sirius smiled sadly. “I’m sorry I didn’t always realise, I’m sorry I didn’t make sure that you knew.”
“I take it to guess there isn’t an aunt in Killarney?” Lily offered then, smiling kindly at you when you turned your attention towards her.
“No, I- I think there actually is an aunt in Killarney, I just don’t live with her.”
“Where do you live?” Sirius asked eagerly, wondering if you could hear it in his voice or even see on his face just how desperate he was to know everything about you.
“Near Tintagel.” You offered abashedly as Remus slapped his hand on his thigh.
“You minx!” He scolded you. “You lived basically across the channel from me this whole time!”
“I hope it’s nice, wherever it is” You offered him then, smiling through your tears as Sirius swallowed around his bile threatening its way up his oesophagus.
“I hope it’s nice.” Sirius blurted suddenly, and Sirius thanked the heavens for Remus John Lupin who seemed to understand that the conversation delved beyond the need of an audience, scooping Harry up and closing the door behind Lily, James, and himself to give you two some privacy.
“It’s nice.” You offered wetly. “It’s quiet.”
Sirius hummed in acknowledgement. “In Tintagel, near Merlin’s cave?”
You laughed, which saw Sirius smiling. “I’m not right in Tintagel, just outside. My neighbours are mostly sheep.”
“Does it have a picket fence?”
“To keep the sheep out of my garden.” You nodded with a smile.
“Flowers; lots of them.” Sirius deduced, you nodded again though Sirius watched your smile falter.
“You’d probably hate it.”
“Are you there?” He asked quickly.
“Well, usually, yes.” You offered, and Sirius shrugged easily.
“Sounds as though it might be my favourite place in the world, then.”
The next breath that left you shuddered on its way out, and Sirius finally stood and met you in the middle of the room; close enough to touch but not daring to. He hadn’t earned that right yet.
“Take me with you?” He all but begged then, and your face crumpled in misery.
“Sirius, I don’t want you to follow me because you have to, I-”
“I don’t have to though, I know I don’t; I know you’d never make me.” He assured you then, lifting a hand but pausing to wait for you to nod at him before he placed it on your upper arm. “The letters, Y/N, I- I’ve been looking for you for months.”
A sob tore through you as you lowered your head, and Sirius allowed himself to catch it in his free hand.
“I don’t want you to feel bad; I’m not telling you so that you feel bad, love.” The endearment falling off his tongue so easily now that he had you in his arms. “But I need you to know that I want you - any of you, all of you - and have for a very long time.”
“It’s just…you said-” and Sirius knew exactly what he said; he had played that conversation over and over and over in his mind until he found himself sick over it more than once. But we waited for you to tell him anyhow; he’d always wait for you. “You couldn’t settle down and be content, you couldn’t play house; you weren’t that kind of guy.”
“I know, doll. I know.” He whispered. “I…I didn’t think I was capable of it. I didn’t think I deserved everything I wanted and I knew that you deserved better. That you deserve better.”
“But?”
“But I’d be happy to spend the rest of my life trying to prove you otherwise; trying to give you everything you deserve.”
“Sirius…” You sighed, and Sirius could see your walls cracking. “I…I’m-”
“Take me home? Please?” He begged then, words interrupted by a sob of his own. “To Tintagel, to Killarney, to bloody fucking Azkaban or the bottom of the sodding ocean, I don’t care where it is just as long as it’s with you, please. Please.”
Your hands landed on Sirius’ chest and he was sure you could feel his hummingbird heart beating under your fingertips. He only hoped you knew how it beat for you.
“Please bring me home?”
James didn’t know if he could consider this a success or not.
His motivation was not singular; it was a ‘hit two fairies with one gobstone’ sort of scenario, so to speak. Was his son turning two? Indeed he was! Was James throwing a party for said son’s birthday? You’re damned right he was. But was it also a really good excuse to force two of his idiot best friends into the same room again? Absolutely.
Except James seems to have gotten slightly more than he bargained for; Sirius falling unconscious in his childhood backyard, you sobbing into Lily’s shoulder out in the hallway as he and Remus tried to bring him back from the dead, Remus sneering at a slice of birthday cake like it personally offended him and Regulus threatening to defend his boyfriend’s honour, and - apparently - a new niece or nephew coming in the next three-ish months.
But when he looked over to see you and Sirius emerging from the spare room - both of your faces tear stained and puffy from the grief and torment you no doubt put yourselves through - hands intertwined between your bodies and your hand resting protectively over your growing bump, and a spark in Sirius’ eyes James had thought he lost in the war but now realised he only lost when he lost you…
…yeah, James figured he could probably consider this a success.
#marauders era#marauders au#marauders fanfiction#reader insert#self insert#sirius black#sirius black x reader#sirius black x you#sirius black x fem!reader#fem!reader#pregnancy fic#second chance romance#fwb#fwb to strangers to lovers#fwb to lovers#sirius black angst#sirius black hurt/comfort#sirius black fic#sirius black ficlet#sirius black imagine#sirius black fanfiction#post war fic#angst with a happy ending#ellecdc fics
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Messmer's actually terrible at his job. (affectionate)
Messmer is a fascinating villain, because he is strangely compassionate. I would go so far as to argue that this same compassion that is so at odds with his villainy is the very thing that drove him to become that villain in the first place. Hang with me; this is a long post.
Spoilers for Elden Ring DLC. Obviously.
Messmer tells us himself that his purpose is to purge all those stripped of the grace of gold. "Yet...my purpose standeth unchanged. Those stripped of grace of gold shall all meet death...in the embrace of Messmer's flame." We can piece together who gave him this genocidal purpose from his armor set's description, which tells us directly that he's working on his mother's behalf *and also* taking all the blame for it.
So he's playing war criminal on Marika's behalf. And I do mean playing. I'm not downplaying the fact that he is a war criminal; he has murdered on entire people. But here's the thing: he's *terrible* at playing the sole part of the spiteful, hateful overlord. He's *awful* at reveling in war and its victories.
Why? Empathy.
Messmer is strangely empathic for what could have otherwise been a cut-and-dry villain:
1. His relationship with Gaius, an Albinauric: We learn from Gaius's Remembrance that he was Messmer's bestie. We also know that Gaius was an Albinauric both from his armor as well as the location "Albinauric's Hut" in the direction he comes from at the beginning of his fight. Albinaurics are despised by the Golden Order, but Messmer didn't seem to care. In fact, he cared so little that he gave Gaius command of either a huge chunk or perhaps his entire army, second only to him. And what is given as the basis of this friendship? The fact that they were "both cursed from birth", i.e. a mutual understanding of what it is to be despised. They're trauma bonded because they have empathy for each other's predicament.
2. His relationship with the Jar people: Even though the Jar people were used as weapons of war against his own people, he doesn't seem to resent them. How do we know? There is a hospital where the Jars and their innards are being cared for in the Storehouse, a stone's throw away from where Messmer spends all his time. There are even a few baby Jars running around in it. Strange thing to do to what is essentially an enemy of your people, unless you consider them to also be victims of the same conflict.
3. His relationship with his soldiers: Messmer shares his own flame with his army. Yeah, that absolutely could be interpreted as a utilitarian move for the sake of war. Power up the troops, boost your chance at victory. But it's a strange choice when he could have just armed them in the traditional way of handing them sharp, pointy objects and pointing in the desired direction of stabbing. Instead, arming your soldiers with your own power could also be interpreted as something you do when you care about their survival and are potentially working directly with them to ensure it.
4. The mourning of people who betray him: Speaking of his soldiers, Messmer gets betrayed by at least a few of them. We learn this from the ashes of Andreas and Huw. Huw's ashes further tell us that Messmer *mourned their loss* as brothers-in-arms. Weird thing to do to someone who has betrayed you, unless you care very deeply about them to begin with.
5. The implications of the Storehouse: Even though he is actively genociding Hornsent on Marika's orders, he somehow has preserved an entire library of their history. At first, I thought this was maybe just British Museum vibes: steal all the artifacts and refuse to give them back. (And that could still be a correct interpretation.) But in context of the rest of these points, if you're truly hellbent on erasing a culture, why would you bother to preserve any of it? Would you not burn the libraries along with the people? It's a fairly common thing to do in our world's wars--destroy the art and history to ensure full erasure. And yet, it seems he can't even bring himself to avoid some small amount of sympathy for the people he was explicitly tasked with killing. If you really *think* about the basis for his sympathy for Marika, this does make a lot of sense. Messmer is following Marika's orders because he knows about what the Hornsent did to the Shaman. Wouldn't it then also be the case that once Marika's reign became nothing but genocide, i.e. an exact reversal of what was done to her people, he would have the same kind of sympathy for them? Perhaps this is a form of harm reduction in the only way he could square with what he thinks is his purpose.
6. His own self-hatred: Messmer despises his own flames, which we learn from the Messmer's Orb description. If you were happy to be Doing a Genocide, would you not celebrate your weapons of war? Wouldn't you take pride in them as tools of power? Unless, of course, you're not actually as happy as we think and maybe having regrets and come to be filled with severe self-hatred. Woops.
So then, if Messmer is this guy running around with a lot of Big Feelings (and probably a deep need for a Prozac prescription), why does he even agree to this genocide in the first place? Isn't that an *odd* choice for someone who seems to care pretty deeply about people, even people despised by his family's governing order? Why does he carry out these orders even to the point of developing a deep self-hatred?
This is where Messmer's sympathy, one of his best aspects, also becomes his fatal flaw.
I mentioned above in 5 that Messmer has access to information about both sides of this conflict. As much as he might have sympathy for everyone around him--including weapons used against the Shaman like the Jars--that means he *also* has sympathy for the Shaman. So if you have sympathy for the other side and sympathy for your side, and you are raised by your own side, then what is the natural outcome? Your side wins. If you must choose a side, then you fight on behalf of Child Soldier Fostering Mother Marika. She raised you, after all. It's inevitable.
In the end, that same sympathy he seems to extend to others also is what causes him to do war crimes. Out of an abundance of sympathy for what happened to the Shamans, he agrees to take up arms.
At the end of the day, he's still a villain that needs to be stopped so that he'll stop oppressing an entire people on behalf of his mother's misguided attempts at revenge. But making his reasoning to agree to become that villain in the first place *empathy* of all things? Fascinating.
#elden ring#elden ring dlc#elden ring sote#elden ring spoilers#elden ring sote spoilers#elden ring dlc spoilers#shadow of the erdtree#shadow of the erdtree spoilers#messmer#messmer the impaler
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you know, maybe I'm wrong, but my interpretation of Anakin/Vader and Redeemed Anakin is that he pretty much is aware he's terrible. He pretty much thinks of himself as a monster even before becoming Vader, he considers himself one as soon as he had to leave Shmi to survive as a slave alone while he got to become The Chosen One and travel the stars (his basic understanding of love is self-sacrifice), he knows the tusken massacre was bad, he knows murdering disarmed Dooku was bad; he knew turning against the jedi and helping Palpatine was bad; he's extremelly self aware of his violence and hates himself for it.
I think it's easy to think of him as nonchalant or as sort of a shameless dick about it all because his General At War Persona was to be jokey and pretend he's having fun. He's very confident on his ability for Murder (tm), he (tragically) became one of the Best general jedis in the order by becoming good at murder, he's useful when he's being murderous at the right people; so he has no doubts on his abilities on this regard; that doesn't mean he isn't aware of how fucked up and cruel it is, but he keeps doing it, and it's all he knows; he was born in violence, raised in violence, taught to yield a extremelly dangerous weapon, groomed into violence, rewarded for violence, cheered for violence, with Ahsoka then he had to teach violence, and then violence just became something that ran in his blood, it came to him easily, too easily because he was never given the means to deal with such a extreme hyperviolent paradigm. So yep, he knows he's good at murder and little self-preservation.
And he probably despised himself for it, he saw himself as less than a being with human rights, he saw himself as a weapon and he hated not being seen as a person, and at some point he became apathic about it, the fight left him as soon as he had no future with a family. As Vader his hate and anger is just cold fury, is mostly apathy and a void of emotions, there's just pain and self-disgust and regret and old anger, there's not even trying to be something else anymore, it's all he's ever been good at and all he's being asked to do.
So redeemed Anakin (which canonically just means Ghost Anakin lmao) acting oblivious or playing the dumb or victim card it's just something I can't even imagine him to do; like Anakin is aware of being violent and messed up and Bad, but he is completely unable to concieve the idea of having been a victim because besides violence, Anakin's other big trait is that he never ever processes trauma and he horrifically has a history of blaming himself instead of the people who owned him.
This guy, when he was at his best as a Jedi, was pathologically prone to suicidal missions even when it wasn't a necessity, he thinks he's an asset, a means for his superiors to impose their stance and chose to own it, instead of blaming his superiors he just hates himself because he can't stop pathetically reliving when he left his mom behind, when he carried her corpse, when he retaliated against even innocents including kids, when he hurt Padmé, all the times he failed, and the he lived in his personal, fitly created just for him, inferno and had no plans to escape it until one certain sunshine farmer showed up, and all because he thinks he deserves the torture and the abuse and being owned because he's just good at murder and nothing else.
So yeah, no one probably hates him more than himself. Someone could tell Ghost Anakin he's a monster, the worst thing that ever happened in the galaxy and he would say "Yes." And no attempts at arguing or whatsoever, his dignity couldn't be lower if he tried, he would half-heartly agree if someone like Luke said the emperor did him wrong by, y'know, torture him? But then he would also say something like "Well, yes, but cruelty is the way of the Sith, what else could be expected", he's just terribly messed up and couldn't stop himself from defending, at least a little, his literal groomer and abuser and master, and he certainly won't expect forgiveness, like,,,,at all. He can, and will, make excuses for people directly hurting him, but he also would retaliate in terrible ways against anyone, guilty or not, if it meant doing it for someone he cared about.
So Anakin is just...used to being used, and falls easily into being used because it's what he knows best, freedom feels useless and uncertain after he lost padmé.
It's an increíble vicious circle: He worked himself hard to be useful because being useful it's what makes people like him and a means of survival, he then hates himself for being just useful and loosing his personhood, and because he hates himself and thinks he doesn't deserve any sort of...human rights, he keeps on being a mere weapon, an object, but what a good and expensive weapon at least, repeat.
So nope, this guy would be completely unable to even dare to play the victim or excuse himself, even less act as if he doesn't understand he did wrong.
#anakin skywalker#darth vader#star wars#rambling#well that was a little longer than i expected#long post
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Like did Link have regrets and probably some buried resentment for Zelda due to associating her with the events of oot, if mm and tp are anything to go by? Yeah. But let's not pretend that adult timeline Zelda didn't help Mr Kid in an Adult's Body Getting Brothel Jokes Made at Him dodge a fucking bullet. And child timeline Zelda's plan only fell apart because Rauru is an idiot.
You know what's worse than seeing some dudebro blaming OOT Zelda for "ruining Link's life"?
A "Zelink shipper" saying the same thing.
It's like being stabbed in the back lmao
I think not everyone understands her character:(
#i mean she is a war criminal see tp but she didnt fuck up links life#if we're blaming anyone other than ganondorf for that tragedy i say we look to rauru 'sealed you for 7 years' sage of fucking bullshit#that or navi for fucking abandoning him without a word cause THAT DIDN'T HELP#i dont even go to oot zelink but like jesus#leave my war criminal daughter alone she is not responsible for links trauma#i maintain that technically they could've beaten ganondorf by giving him all the gems and the ocarina of time#like yeah let ganondorf try to pull the master sword see how well that works out for him#i think the second link got some sex ed he was like 'ohhhhhh'#'yeah ok I had my support system ripped away from me but also I would've been extremely vulnerable if I'd stayed'#meanwhile adult timeline zelda never found out that link wasnt a kokiri and is just#'well my eternal child friend is back in his eternal childhood where he belongs'#'i am sad about this but like look at canon Nabooru instead of fanon Nabooru and tell me letting him stay was a good idea'#link goes through the majoras mask stone tower and works through his shit re zelda too like thats the whole point of that dungeon#Navi it is not a good look for you that the best possible light we can put you in is you abandoned link to go die somewhere else like a cat#but for everything else#like the dungeons and stuff#i think thats only part of links trauma because the kid had absolutely no support system#his tree dad is dead the only kokiri that likes him is saria#everyone in castle town is a fucking dick and even beyond that the kid has no stable adult in his life#hell the first time he gets hugged is in majoras mask which is debatably not even reality#you look me in the eye and tell me the kid raised by a tree and bullied his whole life has ever been hugged#link is a child who was raised living in a house by himself with a guardian who could not#bandage his scuffed knees hug him when he was scared care for him when he was sick or any#of the other five million things you gotta do with your kid to make sure they grow up halfway well adjusted#hell in the manga hes more attentive but if youre just going by the game the deku tree doesnt even talk to the kids all that often#kid was always going to have issues regardless of if zelda was present in his life at all#link was fucked the second his mom took him to the creepy forest where all who enter meet a fate worse than death#if he had a support system the whole game he would've been at least mostly fine#which you know#closest he's got is fucking zelda
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₊✩‧₊ ⎯ 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞. it's your final year of UA High, an achievement that should be celebrated and joyous, but you couldn't believe just how much has changed in such a short amount of time. one thing you never thought you'd have to deal with is the potential of losing your best friend and being powerless to stop it.
content // spoilers for ch.362 through 424 of the manga (this is how i'm coping), aged up to 18/19 + end of senior year @ UA, teeny bit of angst mixed with emotional comfort & fluff, reader is in the support department (w/ an unnamed quirk), reader & bakugo are childhood friends, talks of ptsd/trauma/regret and nightmares about death, mentions of medical issues & therapy, emotionally vulnerable and sickly sweet confessions, extremely soft bakugo (maybe ooc? but trauma changes people's outlooks soooo), idiots in love, best friends to lovers. wc // 5.7k + crossposted to ao3 『 k.bakugo masterlist 』
tagging in the beginning to prevent spoilers if you wanted to avoid them; @slayfics @maddietries @starieq @liluvtojineteyam @jays-adventure3 @simp-plague @queenpiranhadon
War…is over.
For now.
The media wouldn’t stop playing the coverage on repeat, leaving you unable to escape the scene that will haunt you for the rest of your life and forcing you to realize how vulnerable you are as a human being.
((spoilers below the cut))
You knew the second that Bakugo popped out of the shell of UA’s fortress through a grainy livestream that something was wrong. The way he staggered out, covered in blood with a mangled arm…your heart sank. You had no clue what happened moments prior in that bubble, only the heroes inside knew the truth at the time. Watching Midoriya’s awestruck tears flow as they worked together to save All Might from All for One’s grasp didn’t fill you with hope like others around you - it filled you with fear, a deadly reminder of how dangerous hero society is and the sacrifices it entails. How your duty as a support technician, and as a best friend, wasn’t even close to enough to help him in such dire straits.
Your calls and texts to him went unanswered...as expected. He probably doesn't even have his phone on him. Rumors spread over the course of the week following Shigaraki and All for One’s demise about what happened on the field when the cameras weren’t rolling.
Did you hear about that Bakugo kid? How’d he even get up after all that? You mean from being clinically dead? Yeah, I heard Edgeshot saved his life on the fly. His heart exploded! No, he was punched and it ruptured. But he saved All Might’s life! That was so cool to see. Deku helped, too. He wouldn’t have made it in time without him. A lot of the other students went through a lot of shit…and they expect them to go back to school?
UA was 'kind' enough to give all students a two week break from classes with dorms and buildings open for access as needed. Two weeks to recover from everything that's happened...it was a joke.
You lost count of how many nights you woke up sobbing from nightmares about Bakugo’s death within the past week, ranging from surgery complications to being left to die on the battlefield alone, unable to reach him in time. Your therapist reiterated in your session that this is all a normal response, even when the events didn't directly happen to you and resembled a form of survivor's guilt. It only worsened your negative outlook on society as a whole, knowing full well that they’ve saved Japan today, but there will always be evil lurking and stewing in the shadows, waiting for the next greatest hero to bring to their knees.
The hospital barred anyone outside of the immediate family to see patients, no matter how much you begged every front desk associate to let you see him. You didn’t want to resort to sounding desperate, but you gave in by the end of the week, stopping by Bakugo’s family home to talk with his parents. To your surprise, Mitsuki was home and answered the door. Not more than a second passed before she was scooping you up into a hug, her shaky hands clutching the back of your shirt as if you were her own daughter returning home for the first time in months.
“Hi sweetie,” she greets, her voice hushed and somber; an entire 180 from her normal demeanor. She lets you go, moving her hands to your shoulders as she invites you inside.
You spend some time catching up with her before asking the inevitable question lingering in the air. “How’s Katsuki? The hospital wouldn’t let me in to see him.”
Mitsuki’s eyes glisten, tears pooling in her eyes as she shakes her head and swallows harshly. “He’s a tough ass kid. Surgery went as good as it could’ve, but…” she trails off, wiping the lone tear rolling over her cheek. “Why don’t you come with me this afternoon to the hospital?”
You bite your lip, hands curling in on themselves as they rest on your knees. “But they told me—”
“Screw that!” She interrupts, standing to her feet. “You’re comin’ with me. You are family to us.”
Your stomach cartwheels as the hospital comes into view from the backseat of the Bakugo family car, Masaru driving the three of you through the visitor’s parking lot. Mitsuki glances in the rear view mirror, catching the nervous twitch in your lips as you stared out the window.
“Dear, could you give us a minute?” she asks Masaru, motioning him to go on ahead. He nods in acknowledgment and leaves the car to head to the lobby.
“Do you wanna talk before going inside?”
How the hell did she know you were nervous? She’s known you for a good chunk of your live, it’s not too far fetched she’d be able to analyze your emotions like she does for her own son.
“I'm...” you say meekly, fidgeting with your jeans. “...trying to stay positive, but I’ve had so many nasty nightmares and I don’t know what to expect. I've only heard rumors at school about his condition.”
Mitsuki reaches to the backseat and gently takes one of your hands in hers. “Honey, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Shit, I’m terrified for him and all the other kids…this isn’t something everyday people experience, so it’s unfair to expect yourself to have standards on how to feel. He's alright, I can promise you that.”
You sigh, her words giving you a sense of comfort. “Thank you.”
“And if I can say one thing,” she adds, squeezing your hand to grab your attention. “That kid adores you, he’s just a stupid boy who doesn’t know how to say it.”
The laugh that bubbles up from your belly is genuine, a thin layer of anxiety dissolving at the thought of him getting embarrassed by his mom’s words. Nodding, you let go of her hand and open the car door, signaling you’re ready to go inside.
“Katsuki! You can’t be up and roaming around!”
Mitsuki’s heels click against the marble flooring as she scampers to Bakugo’s side down the hallway, Masaru trailing behind her when she catches a glimpse of him hobbling into a room that isn’t his own. You stay back, peering from around the corner to avoid being seen if he happened to glance your way. A few minutes pass before you faintly hear Masaru say, "Come on, let's get you back to your room to rest," and the sounds of their footsteps retreating down the hall.
It's almost embarrassing how long it takes you to work up the courage to follow after them - what's the big deal? Your best friend is physically here, not some ghost or a walking corpse from your nightmares. You knew in your heart what it was that kept you frozen in place, a feeling you've long shut away, burying it within the depths of your heart to keep yourself sane.
Love.
And it scared the shit out of you, especially now.
Retreating back to the lobby, you mindlessly scan the vending machines as a distraction until a hand touches your back. You jump at the contact and turn to see Mitsuki and Masaru standing behind you.
"We're heading home for a few hours to make some dinner and come back with leftovers for Katsuki. I told the nurses you're with us, so keep this pass with you." She hands you a visitors badge and you tuck it in your uniform pocket. "I'll bring you some dinner, too, dear. Don't waste your money on snacks. Now go see him, he could use some time away from us."
You've got a chance to be alone with Bakugo to talk with him about...everything, and you're frozen in the goddamn lobby. It takes a bit of kicking yourself in the ass to get moving, but eventually, you begin to warily make your way back to the patient wing.
A vague memory of standing at UA’s entrance comes barreling to the front of your mind, the day that the hero courses all left to prepare for the war torn city streets with the pros. You’d stood to the side, passively blessing everyone with good luck and your best wishes as they prepared to depart. When Bakugo shuffles away from his parents, he spots you in the crowd and approaches you with a straight face. Just when you’re about to say something, he grabs you by the shoulders, spins you around and pushes you toward a set of hedges nearby. Not completely out of sight, but enough to hide from the majority of the congregation of friends and families.
“Kats?” You question, confused by him secluding the two of you from everyone else.
“Not another word,” Bakugo warns, cornering you in the darkness of the wall and bushes. He hesitates before reaching for one of your hands, warmth flooding from his palm into yours. His other hand scratches at the back of his neck nervously, eyes upturned to the sky as he speaks lowly.
“Wanted to say thanks for supporting my dream of bein’ a hero all these years. Don’t go worrying about me while I’m out there, alright?”
Before you could interject, his back was to you and marching over to join the others.
His words rang in your head every night, repeatedly taunting you about the feelings that rattled your ribs from how fast he made your heart beat.
You should have told him then.
The walk up the stairs to his floor fills you with unexplainable jitters that you've never felt before - were you dreading the conversation? Are you scared he wouldn't reciprocate your feelings, despite Mitsuki's words from earlier? Or...afraid to see the damage in person?
You find his name on one of the patient plaques, taking a deep breath as your knuckles tap on the hollow door. His voice follows soon after, "Yeah, come in."
Your hand lingers on the door handle for a moment before you convince yourself to go inside.
‘Come on, it’s Katsuki. He's your best fucking friend. He knows everything about you and vice versa. Don’t be a damn coward and make it weird.’
The door slides on the track at a snails pace, revealing your face bit by bit to Bakugo as he stares in your direction. Imagine your surprise when his eyes widen upon seeing you, mouth open to say something, but nothing comes out. You shut the door and walk over to the right side of his hospital bed.
“Hey Katsu—”
The words refused to come out as you took in his current condition - a full arm cast, a brace around his waist, oxygen tubes through his nose and multiple bandages covering his pretty face. The window sill is lined with various vases of fresh flowers and 'Get Well Soon!' cards. It's overwhelming, the lump in your throat hardening at the sight, unable to stop the lightning bolts of anxiety zapping the color from your face. Bakugo snaps you out of it when his left hand reaches across the bed and grips your wrist, pulling you closer to him.
“Stop analyzin’ the damage and c’mere already.”
Before you could react, he’s using his free arm to wrap around your shoulders, tucking you against him as tightly as he could manage. “Was wonderin’ when you were gonna come visit me.”
The tears are swiftly building on your waterline, threatening to downpour all over your cheeks and stain his hospital gown. It takes every ounce of willpower not to say 'I didn't think I'd ever see you again.'
“They wouldn’t let me, I’ve been trying for a week. Your mom convinced them to let me in,” you explain as you lay one of your hands over his heart, thumbing over the fabric and feeling the freshly raised scar tissue underneath. “I’ve called and texted you, but figured they didn’t let you have your phone.”
“I don’t even know where it is,” he huffs. “Ma probably has it, or it’s dead on my desk in the dorms.”
Bakugo’s fingers run through your hair, playing with it absentmindedly in silence, sighing to himself. “I’ve got so much shit runnin’ through my head that I can’t think straight.”
“Yeah...I thought that would be the case.” You pull yourself away from his embrace, shifting to the opposite side of the bed before settling in to the chair by the window. "What's going on?"
He pouts, extending his left hand in your direction. There’s a hint of pink under his bandages that begins blooming down his neck when he mumbles, “Want you closer.”
You pick up the chair to scoot it forward as Bakugo groans aloud, shaking his head and patting the empty space next to him in the hospital bed.
“Kats, there isn’t enough room for both of us,” you laugh, unable to hide the drag of your lips curling into a smile at his flustered expression. He stares at you for a moment longer, asking 'please?' with those beautiful ruby eyes of his.
How can you not give in to him?
As gingerly as you can, you slide under the thin blanket on the bed and up against his left side, his arm raised to make room for your body to mold into his. You’re terrified to touch him, treating him like a porcelain statue and stiffening in his embrace.
"M'not gonna break if ya touch me," he comments, patting you on the back for assurance. Reluctantly, you lay your head against his chest and drape your arm over his midsection, settling in and getting as comfortable as you could in the confined space, careful to avoid all of the wires and tubes hooked up to him.
"I'm not used to you being touchy-feely for more than a minute at a time," you joke, smiling when you hear the click of his tongue against his teeth in response.
"My damn parents are the only ones I've been stuck with, gimme a goddamn break!"
A few minutes pass before you two carry on the conversation again, Bakugo clearing his throat awkwardly before letting go of the breath he was holding. "How...are ya holdin' up?"
Truthfully? You weren't, hoping that the light purple pockets forming under your eyes and lifeless hair were not dead giveaways of your mental status.
"I've...been better. What about you?" you reply, blatantly lying through your teeth. It wouldn't be fair to lay out all of the traumatic shit you've thought about over the last week when he's in the hospital recovering from the actual traumatic events.
"It's...lonely here," Bakugo mutters faintly, almost too low to hear. "An' I can't sleep. The nurses are nice, though, same with the therapist they sent in yesterday."
"They made you see a therapist straight out of surgery?"
"Right? S'what I said. Didn't talk much, though. Basically gave me the rundown of UA supplying all the students a therapist next month. Don't think it'll do much for me, not like I can undo all the shit that happened, but Ma talked me into goin' later on."
"Can't hurt, even if it's every once in awhile."
"...Yeah."
You trace some of the creases in his hospital gown idly, savoring his presence and the sound of his voice. Bakugo fidgets with the material of your shirt, wanting to avoid dumping all of his thoughts on your shoulders, but the weight is too much for him to hold onto any longer.
"Izuku's...quirkless again. I don't know how to feel, but I cried like a damn child when I overheard him talkin' with All Might about it. Gave me a perspective that I never thought about before all this shit went down."
"And what's that?"
"...I robbed him of his dream."
You wish, more than anything, that you could go into Bakugo's head and pluck out all the guilt he still harbors over his and Midoriya's childhood together. It's not like Midoriya held it against him anymore, and Bakugo knew that, but he couldn't shake those demons loose that reminded him of his past self.
"You didn't. He knew the costs of One for All and agreed to it, it's not your fault."
"I know, but I feel so fuckin' shitty for treating him like he's dirt for so long."
"It's not stupid to feel," you say, feeling his body tense and relax beneath you. "But Katsuki, you need to forgive yourself. You can't let this eat away at you forever, it's been over two years since you apologized."
His heart aches at your words, knowing you're right, but he couldn't forgive himself...not yet, anyways. Maybe tomorrow, or next week, even next month, just not right now.
"...thank you," is all Bakugo can say, biting the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from getting choked up about it for a second time. Silence falls upon the room, letting the two of you simply co-exist for a moment of peace. It had been a long fucking week, and being in the same room, let alone touching one another, was a luxury you didn't know if you'd ever have again.
"I'm out of commission for a bit, but that's not a concern to me right now. I know I can come back from this shit and stay on track to bein' number one. There's somethin' else that's been on my mind since..." he trails off, the hand on your back moving to your shoulder to tighten his hold on you. "...I fought Shigaraki in that damn fortress."
You rest your hand atop his on your shoulder. "You don't have to talk about it if it's stressful."
"No, I need'ta tell ya before I chicken out 'cause I didn't say it when I had the chance." He tucks a piece of hair behind your ear, twisting the strands in his finger as he bit his lip nervously. He's thankful you aren't currently looking at him, else wise all his cover would be blown before he spoke one word about it.
"The second he broke my arm, I didn't think about the pain, all I could think about was seein' you again. And then some otherworldly shit happened, the weirdest fuckin' out of body experience. I didn't believe in any of that junk until now."
Hearing him recollect the memory of his untimely death resurfaces all of the dormant fears lying in your mind from your nightmares. You screw your eyes shut to keep them away, to shield you a little longer from the pain they inflict upon you. Bakugo was right here, right now, with you. He's not an illusion or a figment of your imagination...he's here.
"...are you shaking?" He asks, hand cascading down your back to calm your nerves. You hadn't noticed that you were trembling, focused on doing your damndest to keep it together and let him spill his guts freely. "Do you want me to stop talkin' about it?"
It's muffled against his hospital gown, but you're able to squeak out a measly 'no.' He pats your head tenderly and shuts his eyes before continuing.
"I remember focusin' on rushing in and getting hit a second time, but this felt...different. There wasn't any pain, and when I came to, All Might's vestige ghost was there. He didn't say anything when I talked to him," Bakugo pauses, inhaling deeply to compose himself. "He led me back to UA and took me to the support wing's workshop. You were testing somethin' with Goggles, giggling away like an idiot with her."
The tears welling up in your eyes were inevitable at this point - was he insinuating that while he was skirting between life and death, he thought about you?
"And then I was outside, lying in the grass at our favorite spot down by the river. You'd dropped your fuckin' popsicle in the dirt, whining about how much you wanted it. I made fun of ya a bit before givin' you mine, but you insisted we share it instead. It was...nice. Everything felt warm and peaceful. When I actually woke up to Jeanist and the others, they kept sayin' I was revived and needed to go to the hospital. That's when I jumped in to help Deku and, well, y'know the rest."
Your body shivers, the hiccup you were desperately holding in coming to the surface in a muted sob. He silently lets a few tears fall, too, the bandages growing saturated with saltiness and stinging the open cuts on his face. His stomach was in knots, but shockingly, he welcomed the foreign feeling. To him, it only confirmed what he felt was true. He didn't know jack shit about love, but was more than confident that he could untangle the complexities of it with you.
"I was knockin' on death's door and you led me back home. Before I left, I was gonna tell ya how important you are to me...now more than ever."
You pray that Bakugo can't feel, or hear, how hard your heart was beating against your sternum, hammering away at his unexpected confession. The whirring of the medical machinery accompanied his words hanging in the air, swirling in tandem with the thoughts in your head.
Do it.
Say it.
Take the chance.
Cautiously, you attempt to sit up and haphazardly slip on the sheets, colliding foreheads with him while trying to catch yourself. Instead of scolding you, Bakugo bursts out laughing, a few stray tears falling from the corners of his eyes. "Y'coulda said something instead of head butting me, brat."
"Like you gave me a chance to say shit!" you scoff, poking him in the chest playfully. When your eyes meet, reflective hearts are bouncing between your gazes, faces lingering dangerously close to one another. "I've...been waiting to tell you something, too."
"Yeah? An' what's that?"
Your vision begins to blur, eyes falling shut as the gravity becomes too much to bare any longer. Your left hand glides up his chest, finding purchase on his collarbone while your lips rest plush against his. Electricity races through your veins and time stands still, all the clichés about love coming to the forefront of your mind and how true they proved to be in the moment. You barely notice when Bakugo's free hand threads through your hair and settles at the nape of your neck, melding the two of you into a deeper first, and definitely not last, kiss. When you part, it's not met with gasps for air, but with breathless sighs of bliss. You're pulling away only to gravitate back into his orbit, unable to resist his advance when he lurches forward to steal a second kiss. Your lips quiver against his as the words in your heart beg to be released, unable to cage the emotions thrashing around in your chest.
"You have no idea how many nightmares…I had about you not coming home…or that it was too late…to bring you back to life in the hospital,” you mutter between delicate kisses, finally having the strength to lean back and lock eyes with him. “I'd be standing at your goddamn grave like a widow whose husband returned from war in a casket, vacantly staring at the ground while the rain soaked through my clothes. The roses always had thorns that cut my hands open. It changed every single night, a new version of losing you before getting the chance to say...," you stop, attempting to swallow the pain long enough to confess, but your voice betrays you and cracks as you blurt out, "that I love you, Katsuki, and—"
He dreamily exclaims, "I love you, too," before the realization hits that he said it out loud and not in his head. It catches you both off guard and sends him into an adorable panic, the previous pink hue to his skin growing deeper by the second.
"S-shit," he stutters, squeezing his eyes shut and scrunching his nose to hide his lovesick expression. Your run your finger along his jawline, careful not to catch any of the bandaging, and stop at his chin to coax his attention back to you.
"I want to be the loudest person that you can hear cheering for you in a crowd when you save a little kid or capture a villain." Your hand cups the right side of his face while you continue to pour your bruised heart out. "To be your number one fan at signings and promo events that an agency is going to force your grumpy ass to do, the one who picks up your broken pieces when no one else is around. I want to give you everything because you deserve nothing less than that."
For the first time in his short life, Bakugo is speechless. What did he ever do to deserve your endearment? He wasn't one to shy away from expressing what was owed to him through blood, sweat and tears - like working hard on an assignment and deserving nothing short of a 100% passing grade - but this was unlike anything else. He truly didn't know why you were so captivated by his energy, even before these confessions came stumbling out into the open. What about him appealed to you in such a way to make you desire him so deeply?
"I—" he struggles to find the words to say, searching his brain incessantly for something to match your sweet sincerity. "I'd be happy sharin' popsicles with you by the river for the rest of my life if that's what it came down to. I don't need money or fame as a hero, bein' with you is more than enough for me."
In the past, something so sickly sweet would make Bakugo gag and be an immature jackass over the sentimentality, but now? He wouldn't admit that he enjoys the warmth blossoming in his chest and how it gives him stupid ass butterflies, especially when it comes to you. It struck at the most random times; when you'd laugh at his dumb jokes, toss him a smile in the hallway between classes, sit on the countertop while he cooked dinner for you two in the common room kitchen, fall asleep during your movie nights on his shoulder and drool on his shirt...the list kept growing exponentially until it kept him up at night, yearning to be by your side whenever you two were apart.
He should've known the moment you approached him on the playground over a decade ago, joining him on that rusty swing set out of nowhere and started talking his ear off about the dandelions by the riverbed.
Fuck, he was smitten as hell for you.
Your eyes well up with crocodile tears, lower lip wobbling and unable to stop the fat droplets coating your lashes, staining your strawberry cheeks and dripping down your neck.
"T-thank you," you choke out, wiping your palms over your face to erase the tears. Bakugo chuckles under his breath, reaching to cradle your cheek in his hand.
"So, do I still gotta ask you?" he jokes, smiling awkwardly as his eyes dart to the ceiling.
You don't know what he's referring to. "Ask me...what?"
"...Seriously?" Bakugo lets his hand fall from your face. The blank expression on your face confirms you are absolutely clueless to what he means.
"Fuck, fine." He rolls his eyes, shrugging his shoulders dramatically before shifting in the bed to re-position himself. He leisurely tilts his head forward and into your space, close enough for his breath to fan over your lips as he speaks. "I want ya to be mine."
"Didn't sound like a question to me," you tease, lovingly nuzzling your nose with his.
"Shut the fuck up...wanna hear ya say it."
Uh oh, gravity is kicking in again.
Your lips part with half-lidded eyes as you purr, "I'm already yours, Katsuki," before melting into him, sealing your promise with another kiss. He tries to control it, but the tiniest moan floods out of him when he experimentally swipes his tongue across your bottom lip, ferociously flaring your cheeks into a deep scarlet flush as you reciprocate. Instinctively, he moves his right arm to cradle you closer and is met with searing pain, jolting away from your lips unexpectedly.
"Fuck!" he shouts, out of breath and wincing at the pain burning into his shoulder. "Sorry, s'my fault for trying to move the damn thing. Wasn't thinkin' and forgot where we are."
The sparkle in his eyes dim as he cast his gaze downward to analyze the cast. His shoulders slump and he shakes his head, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I was never good at timin', but dammit, I wish I could hold ya properly."
"No, no, it's alright, we've got plenty of time when you can."
Bakugo exhales while shifting his weight to readjust, making room for you to lay on his chest and tucking you back under his good arm a second time.
"Promise me somethin'," he sighs into your hair. "No matter how awful shit gets in the future, don't lose faith in me or the others over some dumbass villains and let it sour your outlook on the world."
Wow, were your feelings that obvious?
"It's...not that." Guilt trickles down your spine, goosebumps prickling up your arms from pinpointing the negative associations you've built up in your head. "Of course I believe in you, Kats, but it scares the shit out of me that this all happened before any of you had the chance to be pros. I know you said you're not worried about it, but I am."
He knows you're right, you have every reason to be concerned over the state of the world and what that means for the future after everything that's happened this year.
"I have hope," he starts, letting his head fall back against the stack of pillows. "Doc told me my right arm is dead in the water 'cause of all the bone segments they had to join together in the surgery, but the possibility of it healin' isn't out of the question."
Your heart sinks in the pause of conversation. How could he have such a positive outlook after being legally dead?
"I refused a prosthetic and wanna try rehab first. M'not gonna let it ruin my approach to bein' a hero. The real challenge is my heart, but that's not—"
"Wait, what's wrong with your heart? I thought Edgeshot patched it up?" you interrupt, turning up at him with your brows scrunched together. It might be a silly question, all things considered, but Edgeshot was a masterful surgeon with a high success rate in his field...everything should be fine, right?
His heartbeat kicks up in tempo under your cheek - that can't be a good sign.
"He did...but it's not that simple, sweetheart. I've gotta take it easy for at least six weeks, maybe some meds to keep things stable. Shit sucks, considering I'm used to training daily, but it's not impossible to deal with. I can handle it. Plus, I got you an' your gadgets on my side."
"And you're telling me all this, but are worried about my feelings and Izuku being quirkless instead of yourself?"
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. Bakugo smirks, laughing to himself. "Heh, yeah. Guess so."
"Typical Katsuki, silently caring about everyone else before himself." You snuggle into him, a yawn falling out of you as you pull the blanket up to your shoulders. "Stop making me like you more and go back to grumpy, please."
"Only if ya promise to stick with me."
"Like you have to ask. I promise."
He places a kiss to the crown of your head. "Good."
Your eyes fall shut, the rhythm of Bakugo's heart beginning to lull you into a tranquil, and much needed, sleep. Before you pass out, you drowsily slur, "Everything's gonna be okay. You're the strongest person I know...love you, Kats."
Pearlescent tears pool at the corners of his eyes, the ones that escape rolling over the gauze on his face and soaking into the material once more. All the pain, worry, and relentless thoughts about failure temporarily fade away into nothingness, offering him peace and a sense of safety to drift off to dreamland. He closes his eyes, lips upturned into a smile as he whispers, "Thank you...love you too, princess. Sweet dreams."
The door to Bakugo's room creaked open a half-hour later, Mitsuki and Masaru returning with dinner as promised. "Hey kid, we're—"
She stops herself, putting a finger to her lips and turning to Masaru, signaling for him to quietly shut the door. They can't help but jointly smile at the sight before them, the two of you are snoring away on the hospital bed together, cozied up under the sheets and out like a light.
"Reminds you of us, doesn't it? I had a feeling seeing her would help him relax," Masaru says, lightly stroking Mitsuki's back. "Why don't we come back in a bit to see if they're up?"
She nods and hands the containers of mabo tofu for him to take while she approaches the hospital bed. Her palm glides over Bakugo's cast, thumb tracing over his right wrist as her mind wandered back to memories of him as a little firecracker of a child; chasing butterflies in the backyard, playing super heroes with Izuku, and his toothy little grin anytime he was excited about something. Nineteen years flew by, and Mitsuki couldn't be prouder of her bombastic hero. Before turning to leave with Masaru, she affectionately pinches Bakugo's cheek, light enough not wake him from his slumber. She peers over at you, admiring how much you've grown, too.
'If anyone's gonna take care of my brat, it's you...thank you.'
The two of them leave you to enjoy each other's comfort.
The hurricane has passed and there's sunlight shining on a new future. The will be storms to come, but society has been given a chance to heal, all thanks to the next generation of pro heroes sacrificing their youth to challenge the status quo. Things won't be easy, that's for damn sure, but it's gonna take something stronger than the depths of hell to keep Katsuki Bakugo away from his dream - and you.
written in a frenzy while listening to epiphany // evermore & semi-proof read through my own tears, so apologies if it's just a bunch of mushy ramble. i have a bunch of other projects to work on, and am shifting back to them, this just was in my head and i needed to get it out. thanks for reading. <3
#☆.rei writes#katsuki bakugo#bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#soft bakugou#bakugo x y/n#katsuki bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugo x you#bakugo x reader fluff#katsuki bakugou#bakugou x you#bakugou x y/n#soft bakugo#my hero academia
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So one thing I like about Time is that he will talk about his life and journeys
He talks about it! He'll tell the boys stories and answer questions. (...when asked)
Obviously he tells his family- Malon knows everything
But he has also never held back from telling the boys stories or answering questions
I'm still always cackling over him telling them about gerudo town- he is way too proud to brag about being a mischievous gremlin
"I proved to be a greater thief than all of ganons tribe"- oh yeah. He's definitely the good influence. (That's sarcasm, Wars is the one good example for the younger ones.)
He just. He looks so smug to tell them about his experiences with the Gerudo- I love how often we see him just talking to them and answering questions about his life.
Even if it's clearly painful memories- he has still always told them
*sobs*
Obviously Time talks to Twilight the most about stuff- and everyone knows that (to where Sky went to him for questions about Time)
But the thing that get me the most is Wind.
Wind asked about... everything! Wind asked about his first journey and his life- and Time told him
The sheer transition from
"I was wondering... about your original journey"
To
"You told me about your original journey. Everything you said... the sages you described, the old traditions, the old stories- all of it! ...)
And this literally drives me insane because Time told him- Time told him everything! He told him about the sages, traditions- Time literally openly talked to Wind about his first Journey because he asked.
The Hero of Time's story had always been a tragedy- I mean... yikes. Trauma much? But I think people overlook this part of him- that he's older. All the hurt and scars are still there, but he has learned to talk about it to deal with it. And I think I know why- (Read)
Malon Malon Malon Malon!!! Jojo showed this set up for their marriage- Time was and is traumatized. But he and Malon worked to talk through things. I mean. Can you imagine keeping secrets from Malon? I don't want to. I feel like she would throw a cow at me. Anyways.
It takes a lot to work through trauma and learn to talk through it. Malon claimed him tho, so I don't think he had a choice. But seriously- she helped him work through things as family. Which led to a successful marriage for both of them, and got Time to where he can talk about these things with the boys :D
But
Time is a troll, so although he will share his insane life stories.... he will also say he fought the moon with no more context, and tell his wife that they have a descendant but not freaking tell her which one it is.
He's so insane I love it <3
Just don't forget this part of him... don't forget that rather it's sad or goofy or whatever- he will talk about his life. If someone simply asks
:)
.
Art and comic by Jojo @linkeduniverse au! :DDD
@adrift-in-thyme
#linked universe#linkeduniverse#Lu Malon#Lu time#goof#WHAT a way to be promoted to grandpa who shares crazy stories#I feel like I'm contradicting everyone here#everyone seems to incorporate him being traumatized and silent and secretive about it#and he's definitely traumatized but#I mean he even responded well to Wild holding up Majoras mask in the masks comic#he WILL talk about it#which is a good thing... sometimes. he's definitely a bad example with the Gerudo town stuff tho#'I humiliated them' could he be any more smug about that difnfigjgifjrg#anyways#I'm doing it!!! I'm posting!!#I hope it's ok to tag you trin?#let me know if not :))#and if I said anything offensive or something ever. let me know.#I love you guys :)
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Oh oh oh, so I've talked before about how incredible it is to see how Double Fine matured in its handling of neurodivergence in the fifteen years between Psychonauts 1 and 2, but you know what else is addressed more sensitively in Psychonauts 2?
War.
The first game talks about war a weird amount, for it not really being the thing that the game is about, and it's all through the lens of insecure dudes in military cosplay (Fred I still love you the most but it had to be said). Oleander got rejected from every branch and now he's made this military fantasyland his whole personality, acting like a drill sergeant around the kids and dreaming up horrible superweapons, and all the while his construct in Lungfishopolis proves he doesn't really understand how the Navy works or how a revolution against the military complex would actually look. (Aside, I still find it very funny that Psychonauts 2 establishes that designing superweapons is just something he does all the time, even when he's good, and Hollis's austerity is the only thing getting in his way.) Waterloo World, meanwhile, has its roots in a real world conflict, but the real world conflict is not Fred's issue; the things casting a shadow over Fred are the mythologized legacy of Napoleon and a board game which is an abstracted mockery of real military strategy.
And all of this, treating the war and military as some abstract fantasy, is just for giggles and goofs. Which is totally fine by the way! Psychonauts is a comedy game and a dark one at that. I don't have a problem with a comedy deriving some harmless laughs from a dark topic. I'm just pointing out that the first game had an odd and irreverent fascination with war so I can say that the contrast between it and Psychonauts 2 is kind of mind-boggling.
In Psychonauts 2, war is no longer some heady hypothetical thing. This game puts an actual, in-universe war at the center of its backstory. This war had real casualties. It tore apart families, displaced people from their homes, left so much pain in its wake that even mentioning the name Maligula is said to cause a massive psychic outcry. Of course, every character in the game who was touched by this war has trauma coming out of their ears. And the villain of the piece is Gristol, the one person who (despite, yes, having associated traumas of his own) doesn't take what happened seriously, the person who wants the war machine that was Maligula to come back.
Anyway so yeah I played Psychonauts for one (1) hour yesterday and the Video Game Thoughts are alllllll coming back.
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