#yeah uh idk what to do abt that
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why does any piece of fluff I try writing always turn into angst somehow 😀😀😀
#ummm#yeah uh idk what to do abt that#it'll get happy but like#it becomes sad#in the middle#maybe its normal and im overthinking it lol idk#coming soon thoo#coldhandsss#blue lock#writing#isagi x reader
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realizing that communication actually doesnt matter as much as ppl say it does, bc most ppl glorify it and see it as a magical solution when in fact communicating your feelings/wants/needs only work if other ppl are receptible to it. which... most ppl arent, both bc many dont want to bc it requires too much effort of them and it's easier to shift blame on others not "communicating", but also bc many many ppl just have brains that arent wired to understand others, or other viewpoints and perspectives. thus, no level of communication will make someone who isnt capable of receiving it hear you. most efforts to "communicate" are completely wasted. and it's frustrating, but what can u do?
#one of my main examples of this is...#i clearly stated in the beginning of someone expressing potential interest in me#that i have feelings for someone and i cant help that or do anything abt and its just how it is#but that person continued to call me stupid for not just stopping my feelings for my person#thats just an example *i* FEEL is obvious#even if u tell someone or warn someone or give someone a head ups#if they arent capable of comprehending it or you... it wont matter#they will still hurt / punish / get mad at u for not being what they want#so yeah... makes me wanna scream#humans are just too much fkn pain in the ass </3#i barely even see the point in being upfront or direct or honest anymore#it doesnt even fucking matter bc apparently most ppl are fkn incapable of hearing u 😒#i've always thought it so important to be considerate to others#not waste their time... not give them fair warnings etc etc#but more and more i feel like 9/10 they just fkn lash out on u anyway#maybe i should just be sketchy and dodgy and vague distant and detached and avoidant like everyone else is#and just protect myself and my own selfish desires and needs and wishes. everyone else does that.#i just am not wired to look at ppl and see what they can give me or what i can use them for#thats why i often am just upfront and honest. i dont see ppl as merchandise or their sole purpose being to serve me and my needs#im just a human and theyre a human and we have a mutual thing going#but no. nooooo. thats how *i* work. i've learned that now#most (not all but far too many im tired) look at others and automatically calculate how they can use them#what they can get out of talking to u. what they can take and get from u. how to make u act the way they want to#idk where im going with this.... uh. i just dont see the point in communicating. ppl dont listen..#bc they dont want to cummincate. they want u to shut up and act like the marionette they see u as. they dont wanna hear u out or understand#they want u to just behave and act how they tell u. thus communicating is a total waste of energy 9/10 times#like .. for example on here. i can put like warning im mentally ill in my bio. but ppl will still be personally affeonted when i act that#way to myself ... most ppl just are not capable of listening to others or processing the fact that others dont exist for them#it doesnt matter how much u try to be honest or direct or upfront bc they dont care. they dont hear it. they wont adjust or respect u.#so why even bother communicating? or warn? or be direct? none of that even makes a lick of difference its so futile
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Tbh I am a fan of how they made Lloyd a shy, socially awkward and insecure teenager in the movie 🤞🤞🤞🤞
#totally NOT because of how relatable he is hahah totally......looks away#ok on an actual note tho it's really just fun to see lloyd and garmadon's relationship together from a new point of view ljke???#i dont exactly know how to word it but you could see how somewhat different the scenes where Lloyd confronts garmadon in sog and tlnm are#DO YOUYY GET MEEE ARHHGG sorry its hard to put this into words!!!😭😭#also idc what yalls say but yeah#it was really better to make movie lloyd the way he is now than in the series since well they go to highschool in tlnm and allat#oh yeah plus ro add on to the new point of view thing#we've technically alr see Lloyd do this in the series a few times sorta so yeahyeahyeha#tlnm#the lego ninjago movie#ninjago#lloyd garmadon#jibber jabber#also idk abt u guys but if his movie counterpart was just a direct copy from his series' i probably wouldnt have enjoyed it as much as i did#so uh yeah😭😭
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I'm not gonna screenshot it bc 1/it really doesn't matter that much and 2/the person who made the comment is a kid but: a while ago I made a comic that's supposed to be a genuine study and reinterpretation of someone else's sprite comic (made in the spirit of authenticity too - to recreate the vibes of the sprite comics from that era, iirc very specifically because it's funny) and I got a comment on that comic's post that's like "glow up"
which is a compliment obvs. and the commenter probably didn't mean anything by it, it's a common expression. but I've been trying to find a way to gracefully put that comment away ever since it appeared lol
I just very much don't want my art to be taken as trying to one-up someone else's art when that's not the piece's intention. especially when the piece that inspired my art is perceived as "low effort" or "shitpost" or stuff like that. I did mention in the tags of that post that my considering it a study is entirely genuine, and I can legitimately write pages about the cool stuff I find in it other than and inherent in the haha funneys, but that's not for you guys that's for me. I just think that approaching art competition-first like that is a miserable way to do it, and (tipping into overthinking here if the whole tiny-comment-got-stuck-in-my-brain-for-almost-a-month part hasn't given that away yet lol) I really don't want that to be the takeaway from my own art. at least generally. if I actually think the source material is trash and what I'm doing is genuinely categorically better I'd just come out and say it lmao
#bakuspeech#yeah it's the darkhog sprite comic#honestly I don't love comments that put my art and other artists' art in a hierarchy in general. wherever my art lands on that scale#especially when it comes to character writing and trans 'representation'#which like. idk man I'm writing One character. he's NOT gonna be The Trans Experience. he's gonna be one character.#but yeah I'd guess I'm writing it all out in a post bc it's not really a race that anyone opts in#I don't actively participate but by virtue of how my art is perceived I just end up on the scale anyway#so uh. I'm suggesting that we do not bring the scale into my house at all lmao#there's also the like. Don't Yuck My Yum guideline of looking at art that's like#I like the things I'm aping! most of the times! if I don't say it's shit and I'm drawing stuff from it usually that means I like it lol#and then you kinda come in like wow what you're doing here is better than the thing you like. and it's not like yknow.#really anything. it's extremely trivial comparatively. but you are in fact yucking my yum there#tldr please try not to think abt art u like vs art u don't as ''better'' or ''worse'' and#have grace for the things that don't please u personally. anyways I'm omw to finishing the frog now. just need to fell all the seams down#and put that boy in da spinner for a ride. and then it can live in a gift bag until the day#I really enjoy holding it actually... maybe after this one I'll make something else. tbh slick stretchy fabrics are superior to fuzzy fabri#doesn't pill And cooler to touch. stuffed toys for the subtropical population#I'll get a combilation of pics once the thing's at its new home. but for now. we must finish the job
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to whatever demon thats entered me; thank you for making me work in drawing bc holy fucking shit i feel so good
#GDKWHRBS IM ACTUALLY NOT SEVERALLY DEPRESSED ABT IT#I CAN SORTA DRAW HOLY SHIT#I WASNT EVEN IFFY ABT THE LINE ART EITHER. I JUST STARTED GOING AND BOOM.#FJSJEHTBRKS ik they say dont shade with black however ☝️ what if i shade with a really dark red but lower the opacity? what then hmm?#(ik that rule only is supposed to be for some things not all. but tbh idk which its supposed to be for! 😭 i should really learn like.#anythint abt actually drawing bc i just had to look up what excatly is pin light on ibis 😭)#yeah uh. tbh chat. idk what the fuck im doing most of the time!#ive only recently figured out folders. which ig isnt too bad?? idk. uhhh if its been a year since they left around jan. then it should be#abt 2? years since i started using ibis. i think.#(i unironically didnt start out as digital purely bc sketchbook is a hard drawing app to use!)#(as in ‘i tried to colour smth brown on one layer using a normal brush and it made these reallt weird marks/lines where i went over it and#the opacity wasnt even down so i still dk what the fuck was up with it’ hard. also the undo button was really complicated. ily 2 finger und#3 redo 💞 i remember at first thinking that ibis was bullshit and stupid at first. look i wasnt smart alr? i couldnt even understand shit)#2023 shitty jiro looking at 2024: “who are you” 2024: “KILL YOURSELF” 🥰#i have alot of thoughts. its 6 am. im in a hotel room. i need to charge my phone real bad. jelp.
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its been fun watching the hbomb subreddit try very very hard to stick to the "if anyone harasses james on my behalf they wont see the light of heaven" by imo overcorrecting to "any time anyone mentions somerton ever it's because you're obsessed with him and want to pick on him because he's the villain of the week" bc its like. yknow actually i dont think people keeping an eye on his various attempts to weasel back into the spotlight and keep doing his same old shit over the last /two months/ is the same as harassing him because it's hip and fun. i think maybe those are not the same thing
#and like obv yes its possible to do both but idk#im just kinda like. 'dont harass him' and 'ignore him completely even if hes continuing to do shitty things' are um#different. those are different#origibberish#i will say though that subreddit is very good for gauging if im getting weirdly parasocial at him#like i still have yet to do that at a celebrity i like afaik because i just. Dont Like Celebrities usually#so now that i have one (1) that autism brain has finally decided to look up to im like Uh Oh Is It Finally Time#and then i see posts on there sometimes and im like. ohhh ok no i get it now#and i mean i can see why they feel that way‚ its the hbomb subreddit and Thats The Most Recent Hbomb Video#and it had yknow. immediate and impressive results#so of course people are going to a) talk about it a lot and b) talk about the aftermath as it happens#and if youre in the 'only talking about this one guy' group and that one guy has only talked about one other guy in the last Year#like. yeah . youre mostly gonna be hearing about that guy#oh parasocial abt hbomb not abt somerton i just realized how the phrasing there was weird jwhfksbfk#that being said i literally made a post like two weeks ago abt how i didnt actually know his first name so like i think im probably good#my scope of knowledge about him extends Exclusively to whats In His Videos#or well and i guess to like. patreon posts too but i tend to just dismiss patreon notifs without reading them a lot KENFKSNFMDB#like yeah yeah this show i follow posted their podcast i dont follow early for patreon subs i dont care get out of my way
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i have. so many notes app damibeck wips
#i am. drowning#salty talks#this ones another tags post. i need to get back to those esp with the damibeck smut being in there#i think theres a little linebeck n bellum outing one that i should look at#and a really really old early post-ph scene that i know im keeping in some from. im fond of that one#i fucking hate typing on my phone how did i rack up several thousand words across fuckin. notes app wips#mmmmm damibeck. thats a comfort one. i need to make linebeck a bit weirder in it and also figure out how they smooth out problems#damien gets a whole uh. fun! arc that leaves him to reflect on his flaws in the relationship. idk what linebecks flaws are#beyond being a bit permissive n w/e. thinkin abt how when i made a post abt how linebeck doesnt have a negative -ive word w/ relationship#a moot (morimess? would have to check ithink it was then) suggested ‘submissive’ and honestly. yeah that could be twisted to an extreme#maybe after damiens arc n linebeck have to reflect. maybe linebeck needs to be more assertive and not just let damien do things for him#yknow. idk whats going on with bellum x linebeck fic relationship its remarkable normal all things considered.#normal being relative but ig its very. theyre just fuckin around having a fun time killing people and doing whatever the fuck#its weird that i dont really. see there being massive relationship issues tho ig considering how its built up it makes sense? whatever
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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planning courses for the next semester is not for the weak
#WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CLASS GOING ON AT THE SAME TIME.#WHY DO WE ALL START AT 9AM AND NOT GO PAST 11AM. PLEASE#please just strart at 1pmplease plase palseasee#i dont wanna take only 3 classes next semester but like erm.#mostly because im a little picky abt my professors. less so for electives but classes im worried about (SPEECH)#ive been pushing speech off for the longest time because i have crippling social anxiety 99% of the time. so i made sure i got a good prof#uhgghg#theres this one prof who does a lot of erm i think sociology classes yeah#she is so chill and nice and uses my prefurred name and pronouns (i really need to get my name chaged in the system uhghgh) but she did uh#the reverse grading and i hated it. everyone did. she was so nice and understanding..#one time i went 2 talk to her about my missing work (chronic pain and fatigue had me bed bound for days on end) and she literally just said#erm u have an A so u dont have to do it.#>@>>@>/1/1/?!?!?#live saver. i had a breakdwon in her office i was literally sobbing telling her about my health issues. it was really hard because i never-#-really talk about it. i didnt realize how hard it would be when i finally did#anywasy what was i saying. yeah i love her so much but not her grading and teaching system. but idk maybe ill try it again she has a gender#-and sexuality class i kinda wanna take because im a professional faggot
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when u make choices and those choices have consequences.
#rai.txt#if u see this. uh this is abt the podcast discord thingy. i. cannot bring myself to say anyrhing in the discord bc.#things r not great rn and i barely remember making the discord let alone the project & so. not sure what to do abt that but also. i dont#wanna just do nothing but idk#basically. i feel like shit and i dont remember and i dont know#so yeah
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i just had cute small talk w a white gay barista but im afraid i came off as arrogant
#they looked lesbian asf idk#they asked how my day was so far and i decided to say something other than fine thanks for once#so i was like “i just had a morning class and now I'm pretty tired haha”#and they were like oh? what class? so i responded 'spanish :]'#basically they asked if i was any good and i was like umm. uh well i have to take a certification exam to prove fluency in the next year#so i hope so! :P#and they were super stoked and then they asked about other languages i speak so i talked abt that briefly#basically they kept seeming interested and praising me and i felt really awkward so i was like omg u draw or paint right#and they were like ??? howd u know#and i was like haha i got a vibe ^_^#and they were like... :D that's a good thing right? and i said well yeah ofc that's so cool! and then they told me theyre an art his major#and i was like woaah sick#but basically it was sweet and i felt like i was getting way too many compliments at 10:15 am like way too early for this#im just so worried i came off as self centred or like overly self assured about my intellect#but also why do i gaf. why. some white ass barista who i see every so often is not going to give me a job or be the love of my life#also THEY ASKED!!! i just answered. i also tried my best to ask abt them as much as possible...#agh i hate talking next time ill jsut politely smile and say good thanks ☺️👍🏻#like i always do..#z.post
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ik that people miss ambrosius' graphic novel design or whatever and its like whatever but uhhhhhhhh. um. uh.
#like. ik its fine to miss the long hair but like. idk!#idk! i just feel very hesitant bc like. i KNOW that fandom loves feminising queer asian men and. uh. uhhhhh#like its sort of a knee jerk type reaction but. WHY exactly do you want him to have the long hair. yk. do you know. what i MEAN#like the long hair in itself is like. i LIKE the idea of him with long hair. but its. the WAY people approach it ig.#like ok. his comic design is feminine. like not VERY fem obv but still much more fem than ballisters. right.#and so like. wanting movie ambrosius to look more like comic ambrosius is like. whyyyyyyy.#ITS NOT ABT THE HAIR. is what im trying to get at.#its abt how it feels weird to feel like ppl see queer asian men and immediately want to feminize them#yeah ok basically. yeah! this is coherent wow 10/10#ughhhh
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whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
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Theres no lore for the star children so im making my own
#literally doing this for my own gain#yoshis island btw if yall dont know what im talking abt#anouk is a star child so uh yeah#im making up the prophecy of the star children and their abilities#its so cool to me#idk i started developing anouk and then i was like#i need cohesive media lore to connect this to#whatevs#mario s/is
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also had the weirdest experience at work today.
#i was in the back doin my pull n i hear over the headset one of my baristas tell me that some guy needed to see my store key for the locks??#n i just was like. HUH. UH. NO?????#so i went out there n was like. what are you here for????? to this random bald man n hes like oh im a DM we were looking at the locks#n i need to see your key to see what brand of lock it is and i was like. UM. no?? Who Even are you again?????#n this man is like oh i dont have my business card there in my car n im even MORESO LIKE. OKAY. UM. NO I CANT DO THIS??#this random bald man pulls out his DRIVERS LICENSCE n is like look my name is ____ im a district manager#i just look at him n go. okay. i hear you. im still gonna call my store manager bc this is sus as hell. im not gonna give you#my STORE KEY random bald man#WHEN MY SM PICKS UP SHES LIKE. WAIT. WHAT? WHO? n im getting more and more sussed out liks boss lady im gonna need u to come here if fhis#man isnt whp he says he is n also get OUR district manager out here#but she jus goes. okay. hold on. let me call __ (our district manager) n this random bald man is like. oh look! here! shes (dm) is calling#he talks to her n hands me his phone n it IS my DM n im like. i can show him my store key?? okay.... shes just like yeah. hes legit hes real#just a pain in the ass n im just like okay sorry bc it probably wasnt supposed to be a whole ordeal for him but iM LIKE. MAN. YOU JUST ASK#FOR THW SSV N THEN ASK SAID SSV FOR THEIR STORE KEY LIKE. but hes like. dont worry! dont be sorry you did everything right lol it was a very#weird thing to ask for. n like. YEAH thanks random bald man were om the same page! he did end up giving me his business card lol#but yeah. that was. so weird. n i just was like. 🧍♂️🧍♂️#my sm called me afterwards n was like. you talked to dm? whatd she say? n i go. just that hes a real person lol idk smtg abt the locks#shut up danny ur dumb
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thinkin abt attempting a qphilza + qmissa qpr/nonconforming relationship fic. the idea has been living in my head rent free since like early june and ive never worked up the courage to write it bc mcyt fandom's relationship with qpr is,,,yeah,,,and a lot of the lore will be """outdated""" and i risk messing up their dynamic bc missa hasn't been on the server for a while (understandable) and im not that familiar with qmissa in general because language barrier (im trying i swear) and i LOATHE getting characters wrong but. what if. i did anyway. would ppl enjoy it.
#vent#<-kinda??#look idk how much things have change but i learned abt qpr through bun's drm-smp-era em-duo fics (which i LOVE) and. well.#people kinda went apeshit on them for just trying to write a story#and i kno the reasons why ppl freaked out (i dont agree w them) but still it sometimes makes me hesitant to write qpr w intention to post i#i have faith that q-smp fans will be a bit more chill abt it bc of the loving community everyone's worked so hard to foster#but uh. yeah. fandom do what fandom does. i haven't forgotten.#(smp/duo names written weirdly to avoid this post being scooped up by main tags)#(i fear being perceived)
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