#yeah i guess this is a vent kinda so
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okay so i am obsessed with the magnus archives rn and i love jonmartin, one of my fave queer couples in fiction even. but. and maybe this is like a super inconsequential issue that no one else can relate to. but i was really disappointed for a while when their relationship was confirmed because, based off earlier info from the series, i was very invested in headcanoning Jon as aroace.
and like i do genuinely love jonmartin, they are a lovely couple and all and i was super happy for martin. i think it's great and amazing that there is representation now for biromantic ace people, that is extremely cool!! but i do just feel really disappointed, and honestly like i was led on. it's rare for someone like me to find an aroace character that connects with me and my experience in the specific way that Jon did, and i don't think i would be so upset by that fact that he ends up in a relationship if it wasn't for the fact that moments in earlier seasons really seemed to hint at that sort of thing being something he wouldn't be into at all?
i dunno, maybe there were hints earlier on that Jon wasn't aro so i shouldn't feel so let down, i did miss a lot of details in the first season so i'm rewatching it before i finish s5, but yeah idk. anyone else have a similar experience with this series, or any other? curious
#THIS WEEK ON CALA HAVING UNNECESERRILY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT FICTIONAL CHARACTE-#this is genuinely my only real grievance with tma tho i love everything else about it so much/gen#LIKE IT'S SO GOOD but just the romance jumpscare AHHH#ngl part of why myfeelings are so strong is probably just that i'm kinda romance repulsed but whatevs. i know at least 1 friend agrees w di#tma#the magnus archives#jonmartin#aroace#aromantic#yeah i guess this is a vent kinda so#vent#also i STILL headcanon jon as aroace btw i'm in denial :)))
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Sometimes a day makes you want a Starscream to bite and squeeze
#guess who got their final scores back ahaaa#class avg was 60 percent 😭#also I have blocked the transformers tag on TikTok that place is a hellhole#bit of a vent here but it’s so crazy#I was talking to a person I didn’t even follow a while back and we were making jokes like yeah the autobots ship megastar#on my fyp a couple days later and I see them reposting “shipping megastar is bad and gross’ like bruh what#I saw one of my followers commenting ‘yeah can’t believe it’s so popular’ I HAVE POSTED MEGASTAR BEFORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE#I POSTED MY STARSCREAM AND MEGATRON FIGURES RAILING EACH OTHER#I only started posting cause I was like eh if it’s getting banned might as well#these people were poisoning my fyp smh#I’m convinced it’s just a moral superiority thing like all of those people who thought abo was so cringe and then someone was like#‘I secretly like abo’ and everyone agreed that they also like abo and it’s not that weird anymore#Ngl though. it is kinda sad but also kinda funny#sorry for the rant cause I talked about it before and I don’t want to keep on talking about it but those two baffled me#transformers#transformers fanart#megastar#megatron#starscream#transformers g1#megascream#maccadam#its like watching one of those religious couples where one of them is gay and theyre like 'I am working through my gay to be straight'
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
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WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE FROM CALIFORNIA
#uhh more venty shit down in the tags#likee tw for csa or grooming or whatever idk#like uhh my bf (a complicated topic) is from california#and uhh yeah basically i have an ex gf that i broke up with bc I'm a shitty person#and i cheated on her with predators multiple times ykyk#and a) wanted to avoid guilt b) obviously staying with her was wrong c) she's a really good person and i wanted to feel worse so ykyk#and uhh we're still close friends#she really should hate me bc stuff but oh well that's a vent for another day#and yeahh a while back when she came over and we started talking mental health shit#and i impulsively was like “hey how about we troll this bloke that has been trying to get back in contact with me?”#uhh he's like 38 or something and uhhh we sexted for like a day .#while i was dating my current boyfriend.#wow i really am a shitty person#and then yeah we had been texting a little for like the previous 3 days#so me and ex gf kinda went along with whatever he was saying#until he called and realised there was 2 off us and blocked me#ANYHOW YEAH HE WAS FROM CALIFORNIA#and after that event i randomly started feeling intense hate for ex gf every once in a while???#I'm not exactly sure why but oh well that did happen#and anyhow yeah a few months ago#like just before i broke up with her i think#she recommended the song dogbird by madds buckley#i nearly cried when i listened to it lmao it's far too real#i really recommend it#but yeah i was already like pushing her away at that point and that song is basically about that#(also very sapphic)#and yahh this morning i was feeling Sad and i randomly remembered this song and i was like “damn that's on topic ima listen to it again”#it's even realer than i remembered lmao#and yeah guess where the girlfriend-that-was-pushed-away was mentioned to be from in that song?#FROM FUCKING CALIFORNIA
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Ever since this whole light blackout thing started I feel like I'm always in a rush to finish stuff. In my zone it usually gets cut at 8pm and I get home at 6:30pm so I'm always in a "get things done!!!quick quick quick!!!" Before it goes off and can't do anything for the rest of the day.
Sometimes I get bored cuz I genuinely don't know what to do so I sleep really early for me, at least that's a good thing I get out of it.
#ney talkies#this is aldo kind of an apology i dont do much content#i usually draw on my pc which indeed needs power...#and my ipad its okay i just feel more comfortable on my pc#so yeah its kinda hard#this is why i tend to go to mu university way before my classes start#cuz I do have energy in there#so I can do homework lol#my god pls its already raining come on#rain moREEEE#vent post#i guess lol???
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I randomly stumbled upon a blog of the fucking person that effectively turned us off from ever making online and irl friends again years ago, fuck my stupid baka life we were literally halfway to not caring anymore and now im gonna think about it all over again. and its night. Cool
#we've never even blocked it guess we're just. Still hopeful it'll talk to us again for some reason#we are bad at moving on but i guess that just cemented it that#we're just destined to be alone forever and everyone we thought we could be friends with will leave us and not even explain#once is unfortunate and twice is a pattern. guess we'll never know why from either of them but its something wrong with us surely#vent#kinda. i hate having emotions i wish i had a knife but whatever#so uhh. Yeah
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tfw u finally go to make urself a dinner plate and some nasty ass man walks into the kitchen, picks up the entire serving bowl of creamed corn and puts his filthy mouth on the bowl like it’s a giant cup and tilts it straight in. multiple times. 🙃
#could you not wait long enough to get a fucking spoon and your own bowl like a civilized human respectful of other people#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#food mention#yeah no it’s cool it’s fine it’s not like i wanted to eat some too or anything#it’s not like that’s one of the only vegan dishes here that i can therefore eat haha no it’s fine#i guess a normal person wouldn’t let it bother them but my OCD is having none of it. that corn is Tainted with your Mouth Germs now#oh what you want one of the last rolls that i was gonna eat? yeah no that’s cool man that’s fine eat as much as you want! :)#i hate the holidays more and more every year. nothing but stress and for what. i don’t even like these people#but whatever i guess i shouldn’t bitch about it when i choose to remain here#as if everyone with a shitty family has the power and ability to just Leave. i don’t think you realize the extent of my disability#but fucking whatever#someone put dirty plates in the cabinet with the clean ones#someone put the turkey in with a sink full of dishes#someone put the mashed potatoes in the bread box#i’m not even exaggerating#ahhh the joys of being the only sober person here. man what the actual hell. what level of intoxication must one reach to do this shit#whatever it’s fine i just have to learn to stop giving a fuck. let them be stupid and live with the consequences.#it’s late and i’m getting a stress headache. time to go brave the kitchen once more and actually get food this time#then i can be miserable in bed. but with food :) and eat myself sick as a shitty form of self-soothing#but it’s fine today bc it’s literally Eat Too Much day in the US so for once it’s kinda normal#then be too tired and depressed to make myself brush my teeth. and therefore contribute to my dental issues. two birds and all that#am i even making sense anymore. im so tired. of being a person. and like. existing#but im grateful to have food and running water and electricity and a place to sleep and everything else i take for granted#so i should just focus on that and try to ignore all the bad#ough i feel sick. okay Food Time fr this time. let’s hope no one’s in the kitchen now
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#(( ooc. ))#negativity tw#venting tw#sorry for bad vibes on the dash today again#will delete this in a sec just lemme vent#so. i bought all the food for thanksgiving....#i cooked it all. his only contribution was rinsing half of the potatoes. peeling 2 carrots. and opening a couple cans for me#even the turkey that was supposed to be his to handle i ended up doing#bc he severely undercooked it so i had to step in to fix that and make sure it cooked properly#and then he said 'okay. you did all the cooking. i'll clean up.'#................... nope. guess who handled that too#while he was just sitting at the table after he was done#i'm the one that put all the food away. wiped down everything. filled the dishwasher#and got it going. gathered up all the other dishes and put them by the sink to wash#so to recap. i bought all the food. made all the food. and cleaned up after the entire meal#if i sound bitter its because i am#when i pointed out that i was having to clean up everything when he said he would his response was just 'sorry i'm such a useless hubby'#i mean yeah kinda#couple all this with the fact that i'm also the one who was up until midnight last night. on my bday. and on my period and exhausted#doing a ton of housework that he was supposed to handle. including cat litter which flares up my asthma when i do it#but i didn't have a choice. just masked up and did it myself bc its not fair to the fluffy bbys if i just let it slide and wait#for him to do it. bc that might be a few days.#sorry to bitch on the dash like this but just. the last couple days especially have been disappointing#between him flubbing my big 30 bday yesterday and now this today......... i'm really over it#gonna be lurking here and pretending i'm not pissed off
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screaming crying throwing up i need to be this man's dog so badly or i will die
#AUGHH im in agony#we were gonna watch a movie but he wasn't feeling good so we just fted instead#and i was like haha is it cool if i put on some of my gear lol#and he was like yeah sure go for it#and then. he proceeded to taunt me and make fun of me for the whole 2 hours we were on call#i NEED him so bad bro#im going to KMS!!!!#suggestive#si yaps#vent#kinda. i guess
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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh#im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in#just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d#im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally#fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot#to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just#fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it#like#this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote#cries lol#ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting#but#i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either#fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it#tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol#but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but#rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao#personal#vent#kinda i guess#delete later / /#maybe idk lol#ShitPost.exe#like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml#all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic
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God help me stop writing and publishing beyblade fanfics for the rest of the year
#the minute i started thinking abt sriting beyblade after what ive been writing recently i immediately started feeling so bad#made me realize how much i desperately need a break from how unfulfilling it can be#ive been enjoying my other ideas so much i genuinely get so much happiness from writing them#i really need to force myself to stick to them and not just write a quick beyblade fic and publish it#i have a total of two beyblade fanfics im willing to write and publish for the rest of the year and by god i will not let myself do more#yeah i guess this is kinda vent sorry but wow. yeah. i am not gonna continue publishing this#more of the publishing tbh idc if i write em or not
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i've been a manager at my job for almost a year now and i've dealt with dozens of pissed off customers and been confronted countless times and i feel like i handle most interactions as well as i can given the circumstances but one thing that still sticks with me is these people a few months ago. it was two parents with their like 4 year old kid and their server gave them two regular menus and a kids menu to order from. if your kid orders an entree from the kids menu they can get a scoop of ice cream for 99¢ but they Must get the entree to get the 99 cent scoop, otherwise the scoop is reg price. now personally ill often just charge the 99 cents even if they didn't get the kids entree, especially if we've already sold a lot of food to them, bcuz im not a cop, but the 16 year old server charged a reg price scoop for the little kid because the ice cream was literally all she got and that's what he was trained to do and it's The Rules so like he did everything he was supposed to. MIND YOU the kids menu CLEARLY says at the very top that the single scoop dessert is 99 cents ONLY WITH purchase of entree. okay. its not a secret its right there its there for you to read. okay. well the server comes to me and says hey my table is really upset about their bill and they want to talk to you. i go over and these people are IRATE they're like WHY IS HER SCOOP OF ICE CREAM 3.99 and their table is pre-bussed so there are no context clues about what food was eaten so im like, did she get a meal? and they say no she did not get a meal she just got the KIDS SCOOP OF ICE CREAM. and im like ok. back up. there is no "kids scoop of ice cream" there is a scoop of ice cream that children can get for 99 cents if they also order a kids entree. woman says WELL OUR SERVER DIDNT TELL US THAT. i'm like Well Im Sorry but servers aren't trained to tell you how much shit costs because we expect our customers to be able to readdddd the menu. i didn't say that obviously but i pointed at the kids menu on their table that THEY ordered from and was like Well Ma'am the menu explains the pricing of ice cream right here at the top. she goes WELL we didn't read that. can you take the ice cream off our bill?? and i kinda just look at her and im like. did your kid eat the ice cream? and she says Yeah. and i'm like then obviously no i cannot tske it off your bill. she freaks the fuck out and her husband is like pointing his finger in my face and shit and then when that's all said and done they pay and write some dumbass comment on their signed receipt about how much the shift manager sucks. Guys.
#not a vent per se. i mean kinda?? but mostly its just long#i swear i was more eloquent than this i just havent had meds yet today so as of typing this im insane but yeah#i mean ive had shit like this happen a bunch it's not a unique experience it was i guess mostly just their conviction?? that sticks with me#usually i can tell when people are trying to feign ignorance or be sneaky to get shit off their bills right#but these people were so genuinely outraged that we enforced a policy that their menu clearly stated for them in bold letters that are#easy to read#there was no trace of embarrassment when i pointed out that it was there for them to read#no like look of realization that people usually get before they dig their heels in and bitch that it should have been explained to them an#yway#bizarre shit idk#i hate customers especially the ones we get on second shift
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#i hate when there's something you can't even complain or vent about really#bc the response is just going to be either concern or 'no that's not true!!' or 'youre being an asshole about this'#anyway that's why i'm hiding in the tumblr tags#yeah i know it's not true. doesn't stop my brain from making me feel like everyone wants me dead whenever i'm told#no about something that's important to me. which yeah makes me an asshole probably. this is rsd isn't it. sighs.#my brain: if no one is willing to help me with something i'm having trouble with then i must not be very important huh!#which yeah. sure not true but i get where it's coming from.#other people are also people tho. who have reasons for their actions. which kinda sucks for me rn tbh.#the world should revolve around me and everyone should do everything they can to help me with my problems actually#i guess part of what makes it painful is like. if it was the other way around where i was the one being asked to help#i would absolutely drop everything to do so. so yeah it makes me feel a bit unimportant i think that's fair? actually?#i mean it's not i know that but. idk. i'm not sure how to word anything else.
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there are so many things to feel like shit over how are people not constantly feeling like shit all the time. genuinely
#''there's good too'' yeah so you get like a few hours break from feeling like shit maybe once a week#that's not really enough#especially if when the good things come you're already doing so bad that you can't even feel good about them#sorry for being so negative it's because. as you may have guessed. i am feeling like shit#and i've been trying to use tumblr less today so i kinda also feel lonely which isn't helping#and there's just a lot of bad all the time lately. like so much of it. too much for me. and i'm so tired#vent#negative //#ask to tag
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I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.
the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?
I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#emetophobia tw#vent post#<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now#anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised#I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow#anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense#but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much#it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely#but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future#idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever#also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar#even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything#but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that''#like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either#being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder#because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters#and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion#a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit''#anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine''#or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it
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