#yeah i fucking hate venting but if im gonna do it ill at least do it here. fuck twitter

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

venting rq because I am sussy baka (GRAPHIC DESIGN ADVICE PRESENT)

I dont even know where to start I will just say I am uselesss and a lazy mooch just like my father. no im not doing well rn it's really up to me not to abuse substances and or myself rn. ooouffff... I hate it when things are my fault and I also hate it when things happen that weren't my fault but I have accidentally conditioned myself to always blame myself whether its really my fault or not.

GRAPHIC DESIGN ADVICE:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER WORK FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes even your bf, even your family member. maybe a discount if its a bf and they already spend money on you especially if you helped make the name...

ok yeah so the story goes like this: I date my bf and we come up with a name, I get passionate about the idea and want it to be perfect so I spend MONTHS trying to clean my room while completely jobless.

I didnt get jobs yet because I wanted to have time to make the logo and not be stressed by lack of time. but my room wasnt getting clean. I tried and tried every day and all I got done was not dying and eating something because I take fuckig forever.

so yeah not even touched the logo because I had to first, make the room workable, I cannot work in the mess for more than a few minutes without putting myself in danger because the clothes are all over the floor, im trying too hard to explain everything about myself to avoid guilt again lmfaooooooooooo

but yeah second, I get to the logo, and then I get a job. that was the order, it was 1. clean my room 2. make my logo 3. get a job

so that way after room is clean, making logo not stressful especially with no job time constraints. and then getting a job was supposed to come after my logo was done and printed.

womp womp here comes the reality train. my student loans now have to be paid off. I made the first payment last month. imma mooch off my dad for this month but im gonna get an online part time job.

so for the logo, that means THEY GET SHIT. THEY GET SHIT. IM NOT EVEN GETTING PAID FOR IT BECAUSE oohhh he already spent money on me THAT'S A GIVEN, I AM PROVIDING ANOTHER SERVEICE I HAVE TO AT LEAST GET SOMETHING.

im mostly mad at myself for being unemployed all these months. for that one. fucking. logo. they're acting mad that my logo isnt done but this is what you fucjing get for free service. but I cant even blame them because I said it would be free.

I need to be muzzled and tied up somewhere im going insane

all im really saying is. the free time does not make that much of a difference, especially with mental illness. the fear of burnout was really bad and prevented me from working. I didnt want to overwork myself again with a job and a logo and trying to clean my room at the same time. but that's life sometimes and it really fucking sucks sometimes. I bet people from Gaza are reading this like "wtf is this bitch on??? she's living the life and she's complaining??? oh my gosh"

I dont even r3ememebr what else I needed to mention.

I'll just pretend im dead all day while I make their stupid FUCKING logo. that I should've nEEEVER signed up for. but I cant let it go because I helped with the name and it feels like an insult for some ai generated logo to take my place. yeah they were just openly talking about ai last night after asking me about the logo. yeah I'll show you "fucking useless"

I will fucking show you all

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[lou-blooms-bitch]

diary entry/vent

its currently 1:08 am and i fell asleep earlier for like 3 hours so fuck knows im probs not gonna sleep for a while

but either way i dont feel great like at all with myself. i feel ugly i feel worthlesss i feel gay,, sorry i had to reference that but its all true i just feel fucking awful about myself and i cant fucking do it anymore

and i just thought there about what my dad would say if he seen me like this he would just tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something with my life now i feel worse and theres tears coming out of my eyes.

but i just feel fucking terrible and the fact that i cant get help just makes it so much fucking worse like cahms ???? fuck them !!! every single last fucking one of those pricks !!!! i really hope they all fucking burn. none of those bastards ever gave a shit about me. they only ever seen me as a number instead of another teenage suicide tragedy waiting to happen. like i rally dont know any other answer to save myself from this hell than ending my own life.. i really want to die

and it fucking sucks cuz theres so much life ahead of me but i dont wanna live it. i feel like theres no reason for me to stay alive. i see everyone else around me being so happy and having such fun lives but im alwasy stuck at home in bed on my own with nothign and nibody aroubd me to help me feel better. and i could hamg out wioth my mam but its not the same as being with my friends and it never will be. and i wish it was becasue rthen i woudnt feel so alone but it just doenst fel the same

i really just want out from this fucked up world. if nobody is gonna help me i have to help myself but i dont know any other way of helping myself which isnt self harm, substances, or suicide

ive been thinking about ways i could kill myself a lot recently too. ive been thinking about a train, i could lay on the tracks in a way that decapitates me so like immediate death and less pain, or like hanging myself but that seems like itll tajke too long and i wouldnt want my mam or dad to find me. i feel like with a train its a lot easier. yeah rthe conducter and people on the train will walk away with trauma and i feel sorta bad for that but fuck me man i just really want out. ive been thinking a lot aswell about what id write in the note, i wouldnt wanna leave my family with questions. i think i would go onto reddit or something and ask about what peoples questions were when they lost someone to suicide and answer them in the note, and just write seperate notes to my different family members. id write one for my mam, my dad, and my sister 100000% maybe christine and declan too, probably my nanny and grandad, definitley one for emily, and maybe one for kaela just asking her to not end up like me. id write one for vicky too, holly aswell for sure, katie and alfie, tyler too theres no chance i wouldnt write one for him, i dont really know who else,, maybe sasha and sinead. idk. but i just wouldnt wanna leave anyone with questions.

im fully sobbing right now omfg kill me man i fucking hate being this way. its been five fucking years and nobody has helped. its getting to the point where i daydream about and wish i could just go to a mental doctor place or whatever the fuck and slit my wrists over and over to make them help me, give them no other choice but to help me.

and i feel so ugly too, inside and out. i hate it so much. i hate my face, my body, my voice, my thoughts, everything about myself i fucking hate. i feel so unlovable.

god and then theres the whole ''if you cant love yourself nobody can love you either'' fucking thing. i hatw it. i feel sick to my bones

ive been thinking of eating less too, try and keep my weight near 45kg or at least under 48kg. i know it wont make much of a difference in the way i look but ill feel better if i achieve that.

man i just want out. i dont want to live this way anymore. unless the doctors decide to actually fucking help me ill have to help myself.

the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fact ill hurt my family, most of all my mam. shes tried so hard to help me and i feel so awful for it because i just wont get better. all ive ever wanted was to be something that makes my family proud but i just feel like im stuck this way forever. i feel irredeemable.

especially irredeemable (idek if thats how its spelled i rlly could not give a fuck tho lowkey) because i wanna make myself known and i want people to know my name so if i kill myself i wanna cause hell before i do it so wether im famous or infamous people will know who i am. like sometimes i see things about a school shooting and i just wanna get a gun and shoot the fuck out of my school and then myself. im not gonna do that because 1. i dont wanna ruin everyone elses lives just because mine is shit and 2. how the fuck am i supposed to get a gun ???? and then aswell theres only specific people id want to kill and the effort of finding them in their classes AND killing all of them before i get tackled to shreds is just so much effort that i dont have. and then if i dont want to kill anyone else id like to just get in the news at least. like go into town and kill myself in the middle of fuckin idk grafton street or something.

but i just want to go. i want to be gone. every day of my life since i was fucking eleven years old ive wanted out. i just want help.

im gonna go, my keyboards gone fucked again and im tired and feel like shit. bye

[eltehdork]

long ass vent post

so fucking annoying such a fucking annoying jackass like ok noi dont care about your feelings because youve never once fucking cared about mine you never ask me before you do shit i have the courtesy to give you a fuckin near month heads up about 1 day that im tryna plan and i never done it before we have about 2 more months before im probably gonna be stuck in a fucking apartment with you or some dipshit i wont get to do this again so yeah i wanna have some friends over i wanna have a party god fucking sue me no one is fucking intrested in the shit you have in your room i dont know how the fuck you were raised thinking its perfectly normal to snoop in people's rooms when you go over their house but you might be the only fucking person who thinks that way you paranoid dipshit loser.

i said iw ant an outside party and you seriously think anyone FUCKING CARES to even THINK to look inside your room or your daughters room you're paranoid get over it.

bro wants to be like "cant you do something else" i say "like what" he says "i dont know something" and im like "fucking figure something out and tell me and ill do it otherwise this is what im doing" and then he just goes off on how stressed he gets when theres people int he house and how i "dont care" and how im "inconsiderate" and whatever and im like "do you have a point or are you just gonna stand there talking shit" because thats what he always fucking does he claims to be civil but every time makes a point to talk about how shitty i am and how everything is sooooo hard for him and hes soooo stresesd like SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. you dont even know the MEANING of the word fucking considerate mr never takes out the trash mr leaves clothes and garbage everywhere mr tracks mud throughout the house then bribes me to clean it because hes "tired from work" BITCH WHERE you work S E C U R I T Y and eVEN THEN youve been UNEMPLOYED ALL MONTH

at least when i spent several months unemployed i still HELPED OUT AROUND THE HOUSE??? i take out the garbage i do the dishes i sweep when i need to i mop when it needs doing i do laundry meanwhile YOU YOU all YOU od is fucking sleep all day drink all night play your shitty video games burn the tv screen and go back to sleep. just because you dont have a fucking social life and hate people doesnt mean i have to as well alright get over yourself hide in your room and fucking leave me alone im having an outside party and there's nothing you can fucking do about it.

[theindo]

Long and deep inhale. I am deciding to go on a long rant/ramble/vent/whatever. Its all over the place. I dont know.

IM. I???? ?? I just??? So. Me and my dad had a conversation yes. God, I barely even have the energy to type this out. Anyways. another long conversation about how i should go out and do things. About how i say im gonna do stuff and then dont. Whatever. ""i dont know what to do" is the same thing youve said your whole life". Ok . Yeah . I guess so . And what do i do???? I?? Dont know????? I dont know where change begins. Do i want to change? I'll have to, eventually. I fantasize about having friends, and then i find every single way to get annoyed at any one who wants to talk to me in person. I have like, 0.5 people i enjoy talking to in real life. And like. 2 people i enjoy talking to online. Though i talk to way more. Why am i so selfish? Im not lonely anymore. I should be happy. But instead im just angry. Angry at everyone. Yes, i should go outside and i do want to, but how am i supposed to when being looked at enrages me or fills me with fear or dread. How do i do anything when im so damn scared and so damn tired. I dont wanna go to therapy. I dont think they'll help. I dont know if i want help. I want to be told what to do. I want specific and exact orders from someone i like or something. I dont. Think i want to BE. I dont wanna make decisions or make mistakes or get up or anything. I know thats what life is about. But maybe i dont want a life. I didnt ask to be here. But i cant just kill myself. Thats bad. And people will miss me. But nobody in person.. theyre all in the internet, and that makes me sad. Why cant i form bonds in person the way i do online? Im confused. I hate being looked at and i hate being percieved and i hate being noticed and i HATE being touched and i hate not being able to leave and i just. My internet friends say im full of love, but this is a lie. Im filled with fear and hatred and greed and envy. I hate BEING. when i was small, i would daydream about death. What was it like to die? I asked my mother when i was still allowed to be with her (i miss her), what the least painful way to die would be. I was around 6 or so. Maybe i was born this way. Maybe its all in my head. I dont care. I wanna disappear. I hate responsibilities, but i hate being useless. I cant even say what im thinking in these posts sometimes because i KNOW my thoughts are completely backwards. I SHOULDNT think this way. God, why am i so trapped in my own head? I want to do shit, i promise i do, but its like. Theres never the perfect conditions. Im waiting and im waiting and ive forgotten what im waiting for. "What makes you happy?" "What do you like to do?" You know what I like to do? I like to daydream about my hyperfixations and see things about them. Thats it. Thats the only thing i like to do. Its why i draw and its why i live. Im thinking there should be more, but what more is there? This is all i want to do!! Im fine about fishing and drawing and reading i guess. But like. I get distracted easily. I long for what truly makes me happy, but what truly makes me happy is such a temporary bliss that i know will fade and i know is stupid and i know is a waste of time. Nobody fucking cares about the thousands of scenarios i have stuck in my head about the same character each time. Maybe i need to grow up. Im being lazy, immature. I have all these responsibilities, missed texts and school work, and the mere thought of it exausts me. Nothing is enjoyable!!! I wanna sleep forever.

Saw tjis video. Thought it was relatable. Whayever. My head hurts. As always. I feel myself slipping sometimes. I think to myself "ill be fine tomorrow", but that tomorrow never comes. Its the same thing. Yelling at myself in my head. Stuck. I dont want this. I dont want help either. I dont want help because i never wanted to be fucked over in the first place. Cant we pretend its all normal? Cant we dream for a while longer. Why must i get up. I annoy everyone else to im sure, just as i annoy myself and just as everyone else annoys me. I fear death but i rot in my own living body. Im basically dead. Why did i have to be here. I want to exist in my memories and in my dreams. Why can't my mother hold me again. Its all unfair. I have so many questions, but every answer just brings more. Im tired. The purpose of life is to learn and discover and experience. But im tired of learning. Im tired of this complex game. Theres too much. Too much all the time. It hurts. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My feet hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck man everything hurts me and theres nothing i can do about it. I dont like this. I want to sleep. Whatever.

Its been years. Its been a long 6 years. Its been a long 14 years.

I asked my dad, since he didnt like my halloween costume idea, what HE thinks I WANT to be. He said "normal?". I had to clarify i meant for halloween. Why CANT i be normal. Why must i be weird and different. Not even on a societal level. Other people are different from me because IM different. Other people being different from me makes me not like them. I cant blame others for feeling the same way about me. I miss being friendly to everyone and grateful for every interaction and not being so filled with hate and anger. What do i do. I have to do something. I dont wanna get sent to a ward or something.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

how the fuck do you block someone without blocking someone... someone who makes me deeply DEEPLY uncomfortable either follows my main (i checked after posting this, they do follow my main) or at least checks in on it enough that they liked one of my posts, but the thing is... we are in a very small fandom together, and ive talked to them on discord before, and i am trying so hard to be liked by this fandom despite how much it kinda grates on my nerves, and i really dont want them being like. hey why do you have me blocked. and like. starting drama about it

i guess i doubt theyd start drama but i really dont know them well and i. constantly feel like im walking on egg shells with these people cause theyre the types that are like. more sensitive than me. which sure thats not like inherently bad or negative but it gets. irritating when it feels like i have no idea what i can and cant say that might upset them or get me in trouble. like i cant even joke about cults and cannibalism with these people. like come on, its funny to make these shitty things out to be a joke, it makes it feel like they suck less. i mean, im not making light of them, when it comes to real situations of them im obviously not gonna treat it like a joke, but when it comes to the vague idea of them? yeah its funny. theyre just absurd concepts. i mean, come on man.

like, okay fine, its fine that they dont want to joke about it, but you cant even MENTION that stuff around these people. i mean i guess like. i guess its one of these peoples triggers but. what the hell situation do you find yourself in where cannibalism is brought up and becomes a trigger. like obviously i cant ask them that but like. WHAT. like did your mother eat your brother or some shit like... what the hell situation gives you cannibalism as a trigger. the cult one is fully understandable cause cults are common but you dont hear or see real life cannibalism every day. like does this person just have a horrible backstory or something.

i got very off track. i mean i guess it doesnt matter this is literally just a vent blog

its not like i hate any of these people. i may dislike one or two of them, thats just bound to happen with any group of people, but not hate. but as much as i dont want to say it, theyre not exactly my vibe. i mean... i always stuck out like a sore thumb in this fandom, even back in the day, hell, ESPECIALLY back in the day. i stumbled upon a fandom made by and for homeschooled christian kids and that sure was exactly how it sounds! and i... very much was not that. i was a public school atheist kid and i just simply found the content funny and the characters fascinating. i fell HARD for the characters, they... in more ways than one, lived rent free in my head.

a lot happened, i wanted nothing to do with it after, and then eventually i wanted something to do with it again. but ive been cautious this time. maybe a little too much i dont know. i just cant let it happen again. i know it cant happen again logically, and yet the creeping tendrils it left parasitically suckling on my skin creeps ever upward, threatening my very core.

i swear fandoms have changed drastically since 2016. i dont know what it was. i couldnt tell you if you paid me. they didnt used to be like this, filled with the one thing that makes me question my determination to go on. the one thing i cant even talk to anyone about because it makes me feel like im going to die, and other people treat me like ill die for it.

and its everywhere. its all over and i cant escape it and i try so desperately to.

and you know that its in this fandom. it was the first fandom i saw it in, actually. its the reason i feel this way at all. they haunt me. my every action is tinted with this haunting, it changed me for the worse.

i cant get close to any of them because almost all of them say it. and the ones who dont... definitely arent my vibe. the ones who dont arent even the ones i dislike, surprisingly. i used to hate one of them, hell, i used to hate one of the other people too. but things change. people change.

i guess i cant, since its been 7 years and this shit still haunts me so bad.

the reason that person makes me so uncomfortable is that thing. the one and i think only call i did in that server (i probably did one other) was with them and someone else, because i was like. why not! it was soon after i joined and i wanted to befriend the current era of this fandom. huge mistake. confronted with them doing the one thing that curses me. i left silently because they were all ignoring me anyway. what an experience.

ive had so many feelings since i joined that server, thats for sure. my relationship with this fandom could fill a novel. i hope it never does. it wouldnt get published anyway.

i just love these characters. i used to love one of the other people in the fandom. thats its own story. i cant even keep a conversation with them nowadays. how can i? the thing we had in common is gone. i cant tell them the truth. i REALLY cant tell them the truth. they would hate me. i cant handle them hating me. we arent codependently attached anymore but that doesnt mean i dont still care way too much about them. they were the best relationship i ever had, and we didnt even date.

i dont know what i would do if they hated me.

i just really love these dumbass characters. i dont know what it is. their own creators treated these characters a bit like crap. but these characters are so real to me. but not in THAT way.

and sadly ive tried to stop caring, but it didnt work. i mean... i did also want to reclaim them. that situation doesnt deserve to hold them hostage. i guess i could use to have that mindset about a lot more about that situation, but its not that easy. its really, really not that easy.

and because i care so much about these fucking characters, i care about having a decent relationship with the fandom. theres only so many of us, and none of these people are bad, i just... dont fit in. i never really did. but i try to. i dont think my effort does much.

i worry that they think im too much. i treat darker and mature topics like casual jokes, i dont share so many of the same ideas as everyone else, i make a lot of things about me because i dont know how not to. i try to keep up conversations by relating, but i fear it comes off as me trying to pivot it to be about me.

i think some of the stuff they do is silly, not that id ever stop them

i miss the early days, before the other shoe dropped. when i actually did fit. when it was so easy. when me and my friends filled up discord chats with back-and-forth prompts and ideas and writing... how i always wanted any fandom to be for me. why did it ever have to change. why did they have to tell me the truth. i was only 14.

i actually did almost have it with another fandom, too. that didnt work out as well after a little while. it was nice while it lasted.

i cant do that with these people. i wish i could. i wish i didnt feel like oil trying to mix with water.

so, anyway. cant block this person. wish i could. i wont though.

this is just the surface of all of this, you know. like i said, it could be a whole novel.

i have to live with this.

[dundeey]

i think im going to fucking lose my mind. trying to study for upcoming exams which is going to go jackshit because digital classes are a fucking failure. but okay. i study anyway and i take adhd meds because else its fucking impossible to even start. but there is so much fucking noise around me even the meds cant save me (joy emoji). the people in my house (why the fuck are we accepting guests right now?) are loud. my neighbors are fucking maniacs and make me feel like i live in the fucking jungle. cant everyone just shut the fucking hell up for a fucking second. adhd is literally such a fucking curse like i dont care what anyone says about learning to accept yourself uwu how the hell am i supposed to make peace with this fucking parasite of a disorder that ive struggled with from the day im born and will struggle with until the day i die. let me tell you i have a lot more shit going on besides adhd and i can guarantee you that if i had to choose, i would take my personality disorders, body dysmorphia, trauma and whatever the fuck over adhd ANY DAY. if lobotomies could cure adhd i would fucking sign up for it. society is made by neurotypicals for neurotypicals and trying to survive in it with adhd feels fucking impossible. im failing school??? no. the schoolsystem fails ME. what a failure of a system when it only caters to the well-off, healthy neurotypical. ANYWAY! i dont think people understand how disgustingly difficult it is to concentrate on something when concentrating or even finding the ability to start on something takes all of your energy and willpower. and even then, youre not rewarded. youre punished by all the distractions around you, and you try so hard to fight it, but it feels like youre straight up torturing your own brain. its like its begging you to stop and let go, but you know you cant, because if you do, you fail. you fail in school, you fail in work, you fail in life. everyone seems to be able and competent in absolutely everything while doing absolutely nothing, while you shed blood sweat and tears just to get somewhere, and its rarely good enough. and while we’re at it let me tell you how much i fucking hate those posts that talk about adhd symptoms. because neurotypicals see that shit, and they go, wow that is so me! no... let me tell you something... that is not you xD casually listing adhd symptoms in a very, very vague and broad way, allows anyone and everyone to relate to it. its because they do not understand how severe these symptoms are, how extreme they are when they present themselves. how debilitating they are, and how much impact that has on your life. they dont know it, because they dont experience it, and even if you explained it to them, they could never imagine it. they cannot fathom it. its beyond them. if youre a neurotypical, you will never, *ever*, understand what its like to be neurodivergent. ever. things in life come and go. from sadness, to love, to freedom, to wealth, to mental health. adhd is not one of those things. adhd is *a part of you*. it does not infest your brain (though it certainly feels like it), it *is* your brain. if there’s a way to alter your brain without killing yourself, i’d like to find it. 

[ratvich]

[hard-technology-rock]

im planning on writing a fic off of these ideas but i just really really really want to share them because there is a solid like 90% i won't actually finish/post the fic. So.

misc. emmet and melli interactions from my warden emmet au :) if you fall under basic dni material Do Not Touch

the Insult Battle tradition was started on the first night emmet was warden!! he was playing the flute for sneasler and melli waited until he was done to start insulting emmet and be his general melli self. emmet cut him off midspeech by saying "is everyone from the diamond clan as annoying as you?" which threw melli off his groove so bad he snarked "at least my flute is pleasant on my noble's ears" and then stalked off to sulk. and you know emmet was like Electrodes don't have ears warden melli!!!! melli vehemently denies hearing this (he did)

the next time they meet its daytime so they can actually see each other. melli ""won"" this interaction mostly by just calling emmet old

when melli found out emmet couldn't read hisuian* his first reaction was to make fun of him his second was to be like That's kind of sad ill teach you. thankfully what he outwardly displayed was more like shocked disbelief > silence > do you.. want to learn ?

so for at least several months emmet and melli would have extremely awkward daily sessions where melli would teach emmet written hisuian as well as some spoken hisuian he still didn't know. they do not speak of these sessions. as far as melli is concerned emmet could Always read hisuian

these sessions were really good for their Not Hating Each Other!

one day emmet was just having A Day. you know the kind. and melli was like Oh my sinnoh you're pathetic do you want to talk about your feelings or no. and emmet was like No on instinct but then he decided actually yeah i do. tjis was the first and definitely not the last time they just sat down and vented and aired secrets to each other

emmet (once he got his memory on his native language jogged) returned the favour by teaching melli some unovan. starting off with insults, of course.

imagining that emmet has a different team than ingo, and that emmet's had his roserade since it was a budew, please close your eyes and imagine for me emmet tossing his budew directly at melli "woe budew be upon ye" style

You All Are Cowards rei AND akari are arceus' chosen one. he did not want either one to be lonely :)

anways i say that bc the first time they saw melli and emmet get into an insult battle again they were so ready to throw down with melli and then all of a sudden the two wardens just Stopped and were civil with another again

i like to imagine they do this in front of their clan leaders at some point (maybe post game?) and they kinda just go o_o because damn they wish they had that kind of civil beef

when melli is like Lord electrode is FINE the frenzy is a GIFT from ALLMIGHTY SINNOH emmet confronts him later with a Fat "you were scared for your lord and yet you lied and said he was fine and resisted help. Why?" and melli just responds i am not having this conversation while there is a weird ass storm brewing Goodbye

a summary of their friendship:

emmet, showing up randomly outside melli's house: Uhmmm i just heard from rei and akari that kamado just kicked them out of jubilife for falling from the sky

melli: OK?? How is that my problem

emmet: while unreasonable i am nervous about him sending Goons after me

melli: you ? did not fall from the sky ? dumbass

emmet: but i am not from hisui

melli: ok listen how the fuck is he gonna know that. you've been a warden for a good while and it took you saying that you weren't from hisui for me to realize you weren't just some amnesiac grandpa the pearl clan took pity on

emmet, leaving: i am not a grandpa !! but yeah i believe you thanks

melli, definitely projecting: Dude you can't be alone in the middle of a weird storm... what if you slip and fall and die... you're staying here

emmet: what if Lady sneasler needs me ??

melli: just tell her to get her ass over here. Lol

* I Have So Many Headcanons Involving Langauges In The Pokemon Universe They Could Be Their Own Post. but basically emmet could speak decent enough sinnoh and hisuian is kind of just an archaic slightly more formal version of sinnoh? so while there were words he had to context clue together he wasn't Completly lost. also he was writing in unovan but he 1. does not know what language he was writing in just that was Not the one he was speaking and 2. his handwriting was So Bad it is almost unrecognizable as unovan

there's more but that's all for now :》 saving some for that highly hypothetical fic

[dinolikes]

IMPOSTER- PART TWO

summery ❤︎ Nobody has any quirks and are stuck on a ship like among us

pairings ❤︎ Imposter!Dabi x Reader

content warnings ❤︎ major character death

| prev. |

you sobbed into dabi's chest as hawks and ingeniumu covered thirteens body with a sheet, everyone looking over, some with tears, and some with just a blank look, like they were still processing it.

it was silent for a long time before ingeniumu cleared his throat and looked up, everyone seeing the ghost of tears in his eyes, "we have to call h-headquarters," his voice cracked but he stood tall, he would make a great captain one day, even with his pushover attitude.

you were crowded in the cafeteria, a computer resting on the table with headquarters on the line.

"im sorry to say this but you have an imposter."

you shook your head, you refused to believe it, how could these people, your FRIENDS, who you've lived with for a year, how could they be imposters?

though you shouldnt be surprised, the league has been gaining members, rarely any ship didnt have at least ONE imposter, some even having as much as three, you just thought you guys were the exception.

"twice, hawks, you searched thirteens body correct?" a voice came through the screen.

"yes sir," hawks quietly muttered.

"was everything in place?"

"he didnt have the vent key."

the vent key, really easy to pass through, was originally made for people to quickly go from room to rooms, but after the rise of imposters who started using it to sneak up on people, only one person was allowed to use it per day.

the voice cursed, "very well." a sigh could be heard, "well you know the drill," you did, you just didnt like it, "if you suspect someone, send them out and let them die," you gulped.

you didnt know if you could do that, even knowing that someone here murdered thirteen, you learned to care for each of them, even weirdo itchy snatch tomura. you didnt know if you could just send them into space to suffocate. even the thought made you sick.

"until then, we'll need you to finish your tasks fast, we'll have you home by the end of the day, which means the imposter will probably try to kill faster today. watch out." with that a beep was heard, signaling that you were disconnected.

a grim silence filled the room.

hawks finally spoke up, "which one of you assholes did it?"

dabi glared at the taller man, "fuck you dude, how do we know you didnt do it?"

hawks took a step closer, "bold accusations from someone who seems to hate everyone!"

"why would I kill one of the only people I actually like in this shithole?"

"because he had the vent key dumbass!"

"hey!" twice yelled.

hawks glowered at him, "oh yeah, how could we forget twice here? you found the body right? meaning you were the last one to see him? why DID you decide to check on him huh?"

"why would I come to you guys then?!"

"i dunno, to throw off suspicion maybe?"

you finally snapped "stop it!" everyone's heads shot towards you, "thirteen is dead," you choked out, "and I know thay we're all upset but we just have to finish today's tasks and then we're back home, okay?"

everyone stared, until deku started nodding, "y-yeah! just today's tasks left! then we'll go home and catch the imposter and we'll be fine!"

"what makes you so sure we'll catch him once we get home idiot?"

deku stared up confusingly at kaachan, "dont we have cameras?"

ingeniumu looked at his friend "obviously deku but whatre you getting at?"

"our cameras have memory sticks," shoto spoke up quietly, "when they're connected into one of headquarters machines, you can access all of what it caught,"

deku nodded rapidly, "exactly!"

your eyes lit up, "deku your a genius!" you grabbed his head and gave him a big smooch on the forehead, leaving him a red and stuttering mess.

dabi tsk'ed, "c'mere,' he grabbed you hand and pulled you towards him, wrapping you hands around you and resting his head on your shoulder.

you rolled your eyes playfully at his jealous nature.

"fine. we finish our task but if another person is found dead we're booting someone off." with that, hawks stormed off.

you tried not to go too harsh on him, you knew hawks looked up to thirteen, and beneath that cocky demeanor, he really was soft.

knowing that though, you couldnt help but feel some fear and resentment.

fear because you didnt think you could kill off one of your own and resentment because you knew hawks would make you do exactly that.

"we should have a plan," ingeniumu speaks up, "4 groups of two who continue on and do their tasks, and I think twice should be on security, just incase the imposter attacks again," everyone nods.

"i'll go with wonder," dabi states, already grabbing your hand,

"dont you think you'll get distracted with...other things?" tomura smirks, dabi clenching your hand in his.

"fuck. off."

"oo feisty~"

dabi glares, "yknow you dont really seem to care much that thirteens dead!"

tomura's eyes flash a dangerous color and he leans forward.

"the FUCK did you just say?"

"you heard me you fucking incel,"

"stop!" ingeniumu yells, "tomura is right, you guys do get quite distracted, wonder is with hawks, dabi your with shoto. ill go with tomura and that leaves deku and kaachan, with twice on security. let's go!"

dabi grumbles but goes with his brother as you lightly kiss him on the cheek and go with hawks.

you cant help but think about how amazing that kid is gonna be when hes older as a captain of his own ship.

you and hawks head off, both of you checking your list and stopping by rooms, the other waiting as they finish their task and repeating, until hawks sighed.

"how are you dating that asshole?"

you laugh, "hes not too bad once he likes you,"

"and what? he just doesn't like me?"

"exactly."

"what if he didnt like thirteen?" your smile drops instantly.

"hawks..."

"I'm just saying!"

"well STOP saying! I know dabi and he wouldnt betray me like that, so whatever accusations you have against MY boyfriend, I dont wanna here it," you scowl as you check your notebook, and started heading forward, "c'mon. I have to do wires in electrical."

hawks stayed quiet through the walk, as you stormed forward, wanting to get as much away from him as possible without ACTUALLY losing him. if you were being honest you were scared of going off alone.

as you walked in electrical you instantly went towards the wires, not noticing hawks standing in the doorway,

"wonder?"

"yes hawks?" you snap.

"I just saw someone vent." you pause and turn around.

"where and who?!"

"I dont know! I just saw the vent close when we walked in here and since Thirteen had the key before he died, that means that only the imposter can vent!"

"fuck! why would they vent though?!"

hawks paused. "maybe they killed someone again."

tears filled your eyes as you started searching the dark room, almost tripping over something, you only briefly looked up but you choked back a sob.

it was a foot.

"hawks!"

he came running towards you from behind the wall and saw the foot, gulping as he turned on the flashlight.

there say ingeniumu, with his throat slashed.

you couldnt hold back the cry that left your throat as hawks pulled you in for a hug, mostly to hide his own tears.

"what's going on in here?" you heard dabi's voice and you lifted you head to see him and shoto.

he looked mad but when hawks gestured with his flashlight towards the body, the brief flash letting both of the boys see, dabi understood.

"c'mere baby," he grabbed you quickly and held you tight as you sobbed into his chest, dabi looked up at his brother, "shoto can you call a meeting?" he asked softly. you assumed shoto nodded because there were no other words spoken.

there you all sat again, in cafeteria.

you were sniffling as dabi played with your hair, you holding shoto close as he leaned into you, still in shock of seeing his friend's lifeless corpse like that.

deku stood tall and didnt bother to hide the tears streaming down his face and even kaachan was caught sniffling a bit.

twice sat quietly in the corner, with his elbows on his knees.

hawks though, was red in the face from anger. and the victim of his anger was none other than tomura.

"you were teamed up with him fuckface!"

tomura simply shrugged, "I got bored and wanted to check on twice, see if he was alive,"

"well he is! but your partner fucking isnt!" hawks jammed his finger against the other mans chest, "and I think YOURE the cause!"

tomura raised his eyebrows, "I was with twice, right twice?" he did a 180 to stare hard at twice who looked up slightly and slowly nodded. that seemed to please tomura though as he turned back around, "see?"

"that doesnt mean shit! you were supposed to be with him!"

"but I wasnt."

"but you WERE! that's why the kid is dead!"

"I say we vote." shoto's voice was muffled by your neck and dabi's chest, where he was currently crammed in, but it was still intelligible.

you raise your head and wipe a few stray tears, "I think that's smart sho,"

you all nod and murmur in agreement.

"fine then. let's vote." hawks glares at tomura one last time, "who says skip?"

tomura, twice and shoto raise their hands.

"i dont think theres enough evidence." shoto explains and you nod, quietly telling him that theres nothing wrong with his belief.

hawks has a slight triumph look on his face, "who says that tomura is a fucking psychopath who likes to murder children!"

"murder a child. thirteen is practically twice my age" tomura corrects, "and besides I didn't do it."

hawks rolls his eyes, "whatever, everyone just vote."

you, dabi, hawks, deku and kaachan raise your hand, making you guys the winner.

"perfect." hawks drags tomura over to the ejecting room, usually used for heavier garbage that didnt fit in the disposal.

as you all surrounding the glass wall that separated you and tomura you cried a bit more.

sure you hated this dude but you still KNEW him!

"anything left to say sicko?" hawks glared at the smiling tomura.

"maybe you arent as much of a bird brain as I thought hawks. good job, you win," he does a slight bow like this was a performance before hawks pulls the lever, tomura's body flying out before hawks closed it again.

"he admitted to it." deku stated simply.

"yeah."

| next |

[robobee]

long long vent below / dead dove etc . not nsft but minors dont interact 

ok SORRY!! SORRY FOR vent postin g on main but this has always been a diary of mine so WHATEVEr i am withering at the fucking seams bro i need to start studying i need to fucking make myself study but its not clicking its not clicking my headphones are broken what will i do if i cant maladaptive daydream while walking back and forth in circles in the dark!!!! yeah its insane whatever but its How I Cope and i need to. i need to block out Outside i need the right music for the right Vibe so i can See it better !!! 

and its like. i feel Too MUch !!!!!!!1TOO MUCH!!!! but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! i need to cry i need SOmething but the only cig pack i have is from 2020 and it doesnt feel good at all it just feels Gross and Hot which is a win for the genetic nicotine addiction But not a win for living in FUCKING P*KIST*N!!!!! i cant do ANYTHING here!!!!!!!! cant drink bc thats illegal & cant go outside bc its Exam Season and panoramic and also i burned up all my friendships and all of them r fucking oppressed by their parents too anyways i hate it i hate it 

my head hurts all the Fucking Time i dont even have the energy to punch shit or to write and i Want to draw so badly!!!!! i see it in my head i see it i see it but i cant put it down!!!!!1 i could do it digitally ik i could but setting up digitally means ill have to restart and pray bc my PS is laggy as hell bc this laptop is ancient and i waaant an ipad pro bc i know the ease of drawing will make me draw more which will make my art better but its Fucking Expensive and the price is doubled because again, FUcking shithole needs to have shit imported AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa also ill be lucky if i get 30 followers maybe my shit just Sucks which is fair but it means i need to stop putting so much Time to it 

but more pressingly my exams start on the 17th anf they dont stop till mid june its the entire fucking A level syll.abus and im gonna be real with ya i was fully planning on game ending by now but! shocker im still kicking and now i have to deal with the Fucking Mess that depressed bitch left me in and i cant study i cant i dont know how to explain it i cant make myself do it !i want to i need to  im trying nobody is fucking Getting It “get motivated” THATS NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!111111 my fucking intestines are trying to eat me too and i Feel that e.d crawling back in and i dont have the !!!!!!!!1fucking time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im gonna peel my skin back im gonna crunch my skull into the fucking pavement AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa’];;[;’.’

and yeah yeah obviously theres the whole Everything You’ve Ever Made Is  Fucking GAAAAAAARBAAAGEEEEEE thing like. yeah yeah i know ok i KNOW im immensely critical thats all my fucking therapist ever tells me and i keeep getting these. fuckign Flashbacks randomly bc this stupid bitch shrink decided to delve into “”””memories”“““““ right before a time im Supposed To Be Functional like! things! are! repressed! for a reason!!!! and i miss my fucking dad but i never liked him when he was alive so! contain multitudes i guess! 

and i cant Make the Stuff im supposed to make and i know some of my friendships r reliant on that but . i cant and theyre gonna burn and i also hate being so sour abt not having my love language reciprocated in the Right way but its the fucking RSD kicking in in high gear babaey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

theres jsut so much Fuckign Cotton in my head i just want to think again but its been like this for at least 9 years now so i dont think i even know what having a clear head is Like i keep fucking up social interactions bc ??? smile?? face make move??? apparently?? and i wanted Time i just want Time i know im smart i know im good at what i do i just need a Clear head and fucking Time but i dont have it i dont HAVE it time isnt fucking Real

[lou-blooms-bitch]

vent

sometimes i think i was supposed to die early and just never have a future. i feel like i truly was supposed to be dead by 15, my attemps at 13 and 14 shouldve worked, any of them shouldve worked. it just feels so fucked being like this because i never feel like i belong i always just feel like im a certain individual.. there has and only ever will be one of me kinda thing.

i feel like god doesnt want me and death doesnt either. i overdosed on mdma at 16 for christs sakes. there are so so so many times in my life where i have avoided death and its just like holy fucking shit are you kidding me right now ???? lad nothing can kill me i cant even kill myself like the fuck am i supposed to do

and then aswell i just feel like my past will forever haunt me and i know it only feels like that because i let it and obvs nobody thinks about you more than yourself but ive had some experiences that definitley make that feel like the complete opposite.

people remember me as the trans kid, the freak bitch, the weirdo.. but they dont know me. they never have... fuck even i dont know myself and I AM ME ?!?!? but people will always look at me and see him but honestly he never really left. im definitley not trans i just had a deeply rooted hatred for my body and took that along with other similar factors i noticed, thought it was me being trans, blah bklah u get the gist im not trans but thoughht i was and socially transitioned and now people look at me and only ever see him. he was the result of years upon years of self hatred and self misunderstanding and quite literally BEING A KID !!!!!! but thats not me, HES not me and IM not him. but hes not him and im not me !!!!! NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS WHAT IT IS ON THE SURFACE !!!!! theres alwaysw gonna be something laying beneath what we can see. and i was just another part of that fact. people see me as that weird emo trans kid with no friends and i can never change that, but what i can also never change is the years of damaged mental health i had to deal with as a fucking child a little baby.. nobocy fucking knew and i cant be mad at them for not knowinbg im not mad at them for not knowing its not their business to know or be in but still.. they made my life hell and made me scared of who i was and everyone else around me while i was ALREADY fighting the devil himself in my head SINCE EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD !!!!!!!! like they couldve had at least SOME consideration i beg... and then aswell this is 100% gonna sound awful but just stay with me now, most trans people STRUGGLE WITH THEIR MENTAL HEALTH !?!?!?!?!?! WHO WOULDVE GUESSED THAT SOMEONE WHO FEELS LIKE A PRISONER IN THEIR OWN BODY WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES ?????? I SURE FUCKING WOULD HAVE ???????? fucking idiots i hate every single one of them bastards who hurt me in any way shape or form. genuinely couldnt care less if they died last week.

sorry that was like completley off topic but still on topic at the same time.. it was off topic but it was the space between off [ ] topic iykwim

anyways i feel like my past actions will forever haunt me and ill only ever be remembered as the weird trans kid. i dont want that. im not him and hes not me while i may be him and he may be me, i am not him and he is not me.

i have fears that in the future when i make something and a name for myself, people will only ever see him. yeah i can change my name again but i like my name. my names mikey like mikey madison, just two girls named mikey. although i would love love LOOOOVE to change my name again.. maybe like daytona i know its a beach shutup its cute. ooh or maybe like sylvia.. ive always thought sylvia silva if i became a singer lol, like lizzy grant type shit. i cant sing tho.. i definitley have it in me just my vocal training is non existent so

anyways.. its just alwyas felt like that since im so embarassed of my past i truly wasnt supposed to survive. like it feels like my life was supposed to be [happy kid-okay kid-suicidal kid-trans kid-suicide] and honestly i really do wish that i could go back in time and just do it in a guaranteed way of death, like a train or a bridge or something. and then aswell i could just never see a future for myself like, i never had any real aspirations when i was a kid and then as soon as i hit 10 i stopped trying cuz i was just like ykfw im done cant be arsed then at 11 i was convinced i wasnt making it past 15 so i really just stopped thinking about it completley as a whole.

like i just cant help but feel that i was destined to just be another childs death lost to the tapes of time.. i genuinely cannot think that i was supposed to live, i was never supposed to even be born. cant believe my slow headed ass was the fastest in my dads balls.. the one thing youre a winner in you fuckass are u kidding me ???

ugh whatever nothing i can do about it since im fucking invincible. may aswell just hope to get rich by 30 or we all know whats going in my mouth and it wont be a dick ill tell you that right now..

i feel like shotgun in the mouth has gotta be the quickest and least painful way to die.. people say drowning is nice but i just wouldnt be able. i feel like my bodies survival instincts would kick in and just not let me drown.

idk if i have anything else id like to add to this. i just really want to die ngl. i dont wanna have to do this for the rest of time until its mine. im tired, im fucking exhausted. whatever.. goodnight.

[madeworth]

i hate having feelings bro.

i have to vent abt this somewhere safe away from like family i guess and ppl involved...

but like, i had a friend i was close with years ago when we went to church together as young adults. like used to come over to her house and play video games with her and chill with her that close.

well we drifted apart, she moved for one and got married and had three kids and just... her life got big and she became catholic for her husband and thats all cool. people drift idc.

so she moves back and settles back in and ofc is still besties with my best friend stacy.. so we end up being around each other again through hanging with stacy and it’s fine??? like??? yes, she is super catholic to the point of sometimes seriously being like ... morally!!!! about things but we don’t usually get into it???

bc usually the times we hang are so chill and just for eating food and watching golden girls with stacy and crew.

and then she was in stacy’s wedding with me and was her matron of honor and stuff... so we hung out for a weekend with her and stacy and some of their common friends ...

anyhow my whole point is, it’s been fine? 

and then i was told tonight i was uninvited to her birthday party because she does not like who i am anymore. like out of left field suddenly her and her friends, the ones i hung with casually with no issues, think im too... idk?? like morally incompatible?? or something??

and fine, whatever, im queer and open about it and i am open about supporting sex workers and i am always going to say something about casual racist shit people do/say and don’t even realize is racist bc dumbwhitepeople.jpg right?? 

and i guess she doesn’t... like any of that?? ive changed??? yeah im not christian anymore... but idk man it just really fucking hurt my feelings hard.

so i said ok, no problem, tell her happy birthday from me and ill avoid any hang outs where she is around unless it’s insisted i be there and she deal with it.

im just tired of having to be like... super strong and Okay with people suddenly disliking me. i’m tired of feeling paranoid about who is gonna reveal they don’t like me next. and i’m tired of caring about if someone likes me when logically it doesn’t fucking matter.

also??? man just come tell me?? just message me and be like “hey im uncomfortable with x y z lately” and at least do that much instead of getting other people all involved with having to tell me like im so ugh to you that you cant even talk to me period?? wtf.

ah fuckin well.

[totally-totty]

[irl-futaba-sakura]

i just need to vent a little, i’ll prolly delete this in like 20 min cuz thats just how i am, a regret machine lmao :U

i’m at the point where i feel like i need to run away and become a new person, leaving everything behind, or i’ll just end up a dead body somewhere where nobody can find me

first thing is first, i’m venting here because i need the aspect of people potentially seeing, but i dont really want anyone to talk to me because i 100% will just shut down if that happens. if you wanna show support or whatever, a link on this post is enough, honestly. it shows me someone did read it, but i dont expect anything more, if even that at all. just wanted to clear that up. “positive talk” shit just makes me feel worse too so please dont send me anything thanks.

i dont mean that to be alarming tbh, its just that i felt that the last year was great for recovering and trying to be a normal ass human being, but i was only recovering from one thing (dumbass delusions and hallucinations that kept me from functioning like a normal person, often too much for me to even want to move from one spot in my room, etc but its for the most part passed save a few “leftovers” i guess i’ll call them, yeah i know im crazy fuck off) and not the many other things i needed to learn how to do to be a functional and useful adult in society

for fucks sake im 25 and i havnt had a stable job in years, and the only real job ive had was literally asking me to be faster than i could humanly go, spending breaks crying in the bathroom so i didnt break down in front of all the residents at the old folks home. doing art is... cool and all but its not stable and thats all my fault. 

im afraid that no matter if i get hired anywhere ill just loose the job in a year or less. if not for the fact that im the most useless thing then it will be my health issues that my previous job (the fuckign NURSES EVEN) treated like normal pain even though i lay in bed or the bathroom floor crying and throwing up pain killers. i havnt been able to see a professional for a diagnosis or even a fuckign checkup since before i was in high school. 

for the first time in a while iv ebeen wanting some way to punish myself for all the things i¿’ve done, or not done, or whatever. i havnt done anything yet anyway, though i have had time to consider some things that are pretty overall harmless but at least effective. i dunno. 

because i feel like everything is my fault.

this life i was given, somehow its my fault. punishment for not finishing school and being a useless body barely considered for any kind of job. punishment for not being able to please the people i care the most about. punishment for trying to figure my shit out on my own. punishment for this and that and the other thing.

im living a burden’s life

at this exact moment i want nothing more than to just casually disappear and jujst suddenly be someone else, if anyone at all. let me start over in anohter ountry, another body, adnother sret of problems that are hopefully not a hinderance to me getting a job and being a decent and useful body in whatever society i end up in. i guess the body part is unrealistick outside of the slight possibility of reincarnation after death, but that assumes i would reincarnate into something sentient enough to have these problems to begin with. after all im not sure i deserve another human life after this one.

but i dont really want to give up the like three people i talk to, the like four maybe five hobbies or things that interest me, the general place i live in... its not half bad here, other than being cold as fuck. theres clean water, the worst natural problem is floods, snow or tornadoes, all which are more managable than not. hell theres even gonna be a round1 opening here soon.

im afraid of the ghosts in the house now

ghosts cant really hurt you right, but the thought of seeing one, encountering one, im too scared to do things like go to the basement and do my laundry, walk around the house when im home alone. at most i may go to the kitchen to make food, i would be safer in my bed or at my desk so i will stay there.

if i see one of their faces i wont stop thinking about it, i wont wanna even be left alone, so i cant go places i need sometimes. i dont know...

im afraid of living away from the people i have gotten used to seeing every day. i have not enough merits on my own to keep myself afloat, not till i can finish school and even then i lost my high schookl records and e¿wehnerbrt i have money to potentially go to school again i only have so much and little time here ant there and i will need more for the bus, i cant do this as easily i widh i col. its stupid i hate it i hate myself for being so fucking fifficult and i wish i wan literally anyone else who didnt have to have fucked up so badly in their past that im undesirable in jobs. i dont have antyhign worth giving.

i look like shit now, i was beign a bit okay but now stress made me ugly again. i dont want to bee seen outside or by anyone at all ever. can i live my whole life behind a screen? i wish. my dental issues are worse and worse and i cant fuckign afford it and it makesd me looks like a mess and nasty even tho i cake taker of mytselff i tri i really do i wish i oculd be beetttr, i dont talk to anyone bcu im too sacred of thesm now and i lost sll my fredins but i dnt want them back at all becasude im too scared to sau hey i meedds up im sorryu im not cry typing i cnat get mu brasin to process it too fast im sorru hten barely reassable sorry

i guess if dgonna be hard to reas im sonna stor then bye

[kingloptr]

I was tagged by the lovely @seidrade !! \o/ Thank u ohmg this was so fun ~

1. Ultimate OTP — Yeah it’s gotta be thorki. I haven’t ever stuck around and continuously produced content, meta, textposts and fic for any other ship for this long or this much before. Sure there are things I’ve shipped for literally like a decade longer, but thorki is just so versatile and i still feel like there’s no getting truly tired of it ~

2. A ship you’ll always love — Sora/Riku from Kingdom Hearts :3

3. Your current obsession — im not rlly obsessing over anything atm! wellllll not visibly....but for the past couple years ive not been talking about it AT ALL to anyone but i’ve put a lot of brain energy and hardcore self-projecting/venting into a private kinda neverending fic ive been writing about Izaya and Masaomi from Durarara. it’s rlly fucked up and problematic lol holy shit. but that fic has become like a brain garbage diary and i reread parts of it constantly, still adding to it when i need it, and I’ve thought about it at least once a day for like 3 or 4 years now. anyways i’m 99.5% sure it’s never seeing the light of day so dont ask haha. If another shipper wanted to talk to me about their dynamic and stuff tho i wouldnt mind that! As long as you’re not an anti who’s gonna yell at me for how fucked up this ship can be. i’ve never been active in the DRRR fandom, just a lurker and Izaya fiend/stalker >_<

4. A ship you never thought you’d like — i hardly have this issue. i just know myself rlly well and am very predictable to myself so this doesn’t exactly happen to me >_>. I might at first not be paying attention to the ship and then in hits me very suddenly, but i basically never look at a ship and say ‘i won’t like that’ then later end up changing my mind ~ I mean well...maybe IronStrange counts for this. I didn’t start off even thinking about it and I thought I didn’t get their chemistry in that way, but seeing other ppl ship it continues to make me like hmmmm i’m kinda feelin it

5. A ship you liked but don’t anymore — johnlock. kinda dont think i need to say more lol

6. A ship you think should be canon — Stucky. I mean. Seriously?

7. A canon ship you hate — Ten/rose from Doctor Who. sorry i know this is like a crime in some circles lmao but. i just. even though the doctor is still legit one of my fav characters from anything, i just do not like rose

8. A ship you’ve shipped for years — Allen/Kanda from D Grayman :)

9. A ship everyone loves but you don’t care about — ? idk? sometimes stony is cute and ill like a post here and there but i don’t think i even comprehend how big that ship is ~ im just extra extra neutral on it tho. like yeah dads of the avengers etc but i don’t.....s HI P....? like. there’s so many more interesting or dynamic things they could be doing with characters other than each other lol

10. Favorite rare-pair — ????? hhhhhh uhhhhh ThunderShield is all I can think of rn! ThunderIron too. And I think most people are either thorki or theyre frostiron no inbetween, but I ot3 thunderfrostiron still lol and there’s barely any content or posts on it that i don’t make myself D: