#yaz: no i was insulting you

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

honestly the main reason i use ‘theta’ and ‘koschei’ in fic is because i find it really hard to imagine the doctor addressing the master with ‘master’ and take it at all seriously

[captain-noir]

against my better judgement i watched qc bridgerton and was whelmed. it didnt even move me to be a hater. i should learn to stick to my gut instincts

[lahulotteshitpost]

***Sorry this started out as a rant***

The idea that you only reciprocate someone's love if you can be open about your feelings or date them is honestly insulting.

I find it especially mature from the Doctor to admit she can't date Yaz, knowing it will break her heart.

In LOTSD, you can clearly see the pain on their faces (both of them), but it's the kindest thing the Doctor could have done. Their relationship would have been unhealthy. We know this because we've seen the Doctor losing herself and being a terrible friend to Yaz.

And the Doctor knows that, she knows her mental state won't allow her to actually be in a relationship. She knows the relationship would be toxic, she knows she's been a terrible friend, she even admitted it in Flux but admitting it didn't fix her.

I've lived longer, seen more, loved more, and lost more.

- It Takes You Away

Yaz, I'm sorry. I didn't let you in to what I was doing... what I was looking for. I shouldn't have shut you out.

- The Vanquishers

But the point is, if it was going to be anyone, it'd be you. But I can't. Because at some point time always runs out.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

Not because I don't want to, because I might. But if I do fix myself to somebody I know, sooner or later, it'll hurt.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

The Doctor is very clear:

- she's not been a good friend,

- she loves Yaz,

- she wishes she could date her.

Being in love, even when it's reciprocal, doesn't always end in a relationship. Sometimes, even "trying" is impossible.

They can't be together, because the Doctor can't bring herself to do that. She's been desperately trying to avoid feelings and attachments since she fell into that Sheffield train. Of course, it doesn't work, and of course it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but this is something people go through.

Yaz understands. And I will argue that Yaz got to confess her love to the Doctor in LOTSD, they both expressed their feelings indirectly.

My nani says, courage is knowing something will hurt and doing it anyway. Mind you, she also said it's the definition of stupidity.

- Legend of the Sea Devils

This is Yaz telling the Doctor "I love you, I wish you could get over your fears, but I understand.

(And there is a lot to say about consent, as, clearly, understanding despite the pain is also the healthier reaction. You cannot force someone into a relationship, Yaz has often been mistreated by the Doctor but in this very moment, she is not a victim.)

There's a reason why she adds that bit about "stupidity" and it's not just to make the Doctor laugh.

Their romance is a slow burn with no happy ending. It's incredibly bittersweet, but it's also very real.

Mentally ill people who avoid relationships are often ashamed of it, we don't openly talk about it because it's definitely not "normal". You can be traumatised, depressed, anxious, but you're still in a happy romantic and sexual relationship, obviously.

Except when you can't.

I started shipping Thasmin during Series 12, initially believing it to be unrequited. I never expected it to be more than subtext, in a way it subverted a lot of my expectations.

I'm no different from most shippers, I was hoping for a kiss (every Doctor had one!) although I expected it to be disappointingly non romantic (à la Nine/Rose).

A kiss, the ultimate romantic trope!

Doctor Who didn't give me what I was hoping for.

It gave me something that I desperately needed.

Home.

Representation.

When you are one of those fucked up queer people, afraid of people knowing deep down you can't date, avoiding feelings and relationships because this is how your traumas shaped you, do you really get to see yourself?

Thasmin isn't every queer person, it isn't even every sapphic you will ever meet, but no story is. And their queerness isn't the cause of their doomed love, which I find extremely respectful and far from usual tropes.

I can see myself in them, at different stages of my life. I know some aro/ace spec people see their relationship as very queerplatonic and also felt represented.

Maybe you don't, and that's fine. You don't have to see yourself in them, you don't have to like this story.

Just understand other queer people will.

[clonedchaos]

Ripple Effect

Orchids and Oranges: A Yasammy Week Special

Yippee! It's Yasammy Week, brought to you by @yasammyweek! Pardon the late kickoff, had to attend my sister's bridal shower today as well as writing this 2,000 word one shot in one day. I know most ppl here are doing art, but I can't draw, so fanfic it is! Enjoy! <3

Day 1: Hurt/Comfort

Rating: G/PG

Summary: Yaz thought she had left the dinosaurs behind. She thought it was time for her to finally heal… until she came face to face with one on the mainland.

AO3 Version:

Tumblr Version:

Yaz wrapped her arms tighter around Sammy’s waist as she gradually got used to the fluid movement of the stallion below them. The saddle wasn’t the most comfortable or practical of inventions, but Sammy had insisted it was far better than riding bare back.

Yaz let her gaze wander as a smile crossed her lips and her heart gave a little flutter. The maple trees surrounding them were colored in vibrant shades of orange, red, and brown. Despite fall coming to a close, Texas was still as humid as ever. It was the polar opposite of her home upstate— the moment it hit October, the temperature would plummet. 

Yaz had gotten used to the frigid air over the years thanks to her daily morning runs. She would be quite out of her element down here if it weren’t for the months she spent stuck on a tropical island. She’d take the Texas heat over Nublar’s every single time.

And, of course, she loved Texas because of Sammy. Her parents had been the textbook definition of southern hospitality ever since Yaz came down to spend the week with them. Sammy had been a hurricane of energy and enthusiasm ever since her arrival. She talked a mile a minute at any possible opportunity and paraded Yaz around to see every nook and cranny of their land. It had been fun; she knew Sammy had been waiting a long time to introduce her officially to her family-- cattle included.

A pleasant breeze brushed past them, Sammy’s hair tickling Yaz’s nose. Yaz sneezed, the sheer power of the act nearly sending her reeling backwards.

”Bless you!” Sammy immediately chimed in, looking over her shoulder. Her hands held the reins in a loose grip as the stallion came to a stop. His ears and tail twitched. Yaz’s behavior had irked him.

“Sorry about that, bud,” She apologized, patting the horse on the flank. A whistle and nudge from Sammy ushered the stallion forward again. 

The cowgirl kept her eyes on her girlfriend. Yaz felt that wasn’t the appropriate course of action given she was the one guiding the horse down the path. It seemed almost as dangerous as taking your eyes off the road while driving.

”The trees are mighty beautiful, aren’t they?” Sammy cooed with a grin. She reached forward and plucked a leaf out of Yaz’s hair. How long had that been in there?

”It is beautiful, Sammy,” Yaz admitted. Truly, the scenery was gorgeous. The Gutierrez’s land was pure nature’s bliss, all 700 acres of it. She liked to call it “The Eight Wonder of the World.”

Sammy glanced up towards the sky, its colors glowing with muted hues of pink, blue, and purple. “It’s gettin’ late. Perhaps we should head back to the stable.” Her gaze darted to and fro before she leaned forward and whispered, “Ol Kota’s eyesight isn’t as great as it once was.”

Kota nickered in response. Yaz snorted. “I think he heard you.”

"Oh, that wasn't an insult, boy!" Sammy quickly corrected sheepishly, getting a chuckle out of Yaz. Sammy's baby talk toward her critters wasn't at all meant to be taken seriously, but Yaz couldn't help but think it was adorable. 

“I suppose you’re right. Hey, think I could beat Kota in a race?” Yaz asked with a clear undertone of a challenge. If he galloped at full speed, she knew he would be able to overtake her effortlessly. But at his old age, she might just have a chance if he were to trot.

Sammy’s eyes shone as she turned her attention back onto Yaz. “Oh, that’s a gre—“

Kota saw the Triceratops first. The elder stallion reared up onto his back legs. Yaz lost her grip on Sammy and hit the ground hard. The breath drew out of her lungs, leaving her momentarily stunned at the blunt impact. Surely that was going to leave a sizable bruise on her tailbone.

”Woah, boy! Easy… Easy!” Sammy yelped as she tightened the reins and fought for control. Yaz instinctively rolled to the side to avoid getting trampled on by hooves, just barely scraping by with nothing more than a dust cloud in her face.

With her chest heaving in gulps of air, Yaz finally lifted her gaze toward the instigator. A bulky Triceratops stood before them in the path, its head lowered and grazing on the sparse patches of grass that sprung up from the dirt trail. At the stallion’s cry of fear, the herbivore lifted its head. Its horns glinted off the dying sunlight’s rays, the tips sharpened points that could skewer her should the animal desire.

Yaz didn’t know why, but she screamed. She screamed a blood curdling cry that sent the nearby birds scattering. Her hands tore up clumps of dirt as she balled them into a fist. Her heart pounded, she could hear it in her ears and feel the blood coursing through her veins. It was getting hard to breathe. Why could she not breathe? Why couldn't she think? Why was her vision spinning? Was it a concussion, or was she losing it?

The Triceratops bellowed and raked its front leg on the ground. Despite being in fear’s clutches, Yaz subconsciously knew it was about to charge. Suddenly the aspect of getting trampled by a horse seemed far more appealing.

The Triceratops stomped forward, waving its horns threateningly. Yaz couldn’t move. She wanted to pull herself off the ground and bolt toward the nearest tree. She wanted to be safe, to be inside, to be far away from this prehistoric beast. But her body was rooted to the floor, tied down by unseen vines. Despite the adrenaline pulsing through her veins and the chilling numbness of her hands, she could only watch powerlessly as she sat directly in the line of fire.

“Yaz!” Sammy was suddenly right by her side on horseback. Quite literally her knight in shining armor. She extended a hand down to her. Yaz felt a sharp pierce plunge through her heart at the palpable fear she found lying behind Sammy's eyes. “Come on!”

Yaz still felt frozen by invisible roots. She wanted to reach for Sammy. She wanted them to huddle under the blanket fort Sammy had insisted they build in her room last night. Her and Sammy had been at checkers for nearly two hours before Sammy’s mother had called them down for dinner. She wanted to wake up in the morning and breathe in the aroma of fresh, fluffy cinnamon rolls and salted, crisp bacon. Would she ever partake in these memories again? Or would they be snuffed out, much like her life might very well be. If only she could just…

MOVE!

With one hand wrapped around the stirrup, Sammy leaned down and grabbed Yaz by the arm. Yaz knew her girlfriend was strong, like really really strong. Calling her "country strong" wasn't just a cute pet name, it was a fact.

Sammy's rapid maneuver was enough to nudge Yaz up and back into the saddle. With a quick snap of the reins and click of her heels, Sammy ushered Kota forward. The trike missed them by a hair, nearly getting clocked on the muzzle by the stallion's hooves.

Yaz had her arms wrapped around Sammy in a death grip, her face buried against her wool jacket. It felt like she was holding her breath for every second until they had made it safely to the barn. Her chest was tight and sweat rolled down the side of her head. She could barely feel her fingers besides the buzzing, staticky feeling she noticed there.

"Yaz?" 

She looked up with rounded eyes. Sammy released the reins and kicked her leg up and over as she dismounted. Immediately, she turned and extended a hand toward Yaz in a gesture of assistance. "Are you okay?"

No. No she wasn't. With a shaky breath and trembling hand, she reached out. Sammy's hands were worn with numerous callouses; no doubt a result from her long days of working hard on the ranch. Her fingers intertwined with Yaz's. At the touch, the dam holding back her tears finally broke. Yaz sank to her knees and began to sob.

Sammy was right there, kneeling down and pulling her into an embrace. "It's okay, Yaz. I'm here," She cooed, gently rubbing her back in a circular motion. 

Yaz nestled closer to her, hoping Sammy's very presence would be enough to chase away her inner demons. "I... I thought... I thought we'd be done with dinosaurs," She admitted weakly. She hated feeling like this. Vulnerable. It was like she was a little kid all over again; someone who needed to be coddled and comforted by her mother.

"I know..." Sammy replied sympathetically as she rested her head against Yaz's. "I wasn't expecting to see a trike so close to home."

It was getting a little easier to breathe now. Just a little. "Why? Why is it here?" She choked out, closing her eyes.

Sammy grew silent. Yaz didn't expect her to answer that rhetorical question. After all, how in the world would she know what a dinosaur was doing hundreds of miles from Nublar?

Rather, Sammy began to hum. Her tone lilted in a melancholic sway. Yaz seemed momentarily taken aback as her heartbeat began to steady and her limbs slackened. With every rise and fall in tempo, Yaz begun to notice an unmistakable pattern in the rhythm.

Yaz leaned back and cupped Sammy's cheek in her hand. Her eyes still stung, and she knew she probably looked like a bedraggled mess. Right now, that didn't matter. "How do you know that song?"

Sammy leaned into Yaz's touch. "Your mother taught it to me. She knows you've been having a tough time since the island..." She trailed off and averted her gaze.

Yaz relaxed her features and silently urged Sammy to continue. "She told me it used to help you when you were little... and I thought it might help in this situation," She murmured sheepishly and rubbed her arm in embarrassment with flushed cheeks.

Yaz cracked a gentle smile at that and swiftly planted a kiss atop her forehead. "It did help. I'm sorry. For freezing like that..."

"Hey, none of that," Sammy lectured sternly with a good-natured smile. She held both of Yaz's hands in her own. "Just because we're off the island, it doesn't mean those feelings just up and disappeared. But I know you, Yaz. You're the bravest, most stubborn fighter I know. We just need to take baby steps again."

Baby steps. Right. It was like running a marathon; you don't go full sprint right off the bat. You pace yourself until you're further along with the finish line in sight.

"It just... surprised me is all," Yaz continued. The fireflies casted a gentle, infrequent glow across the purple and blue painted sky. "I thought I would be over this. But what if...? What if there are more dinosaurs?" Particularly the ones that would have them for a midnight snack.

"I don't know," Sammy admitted, returning the kiss on Yaz's forehead. "But what I do know is that I'm here if you ever need me. We conquered Nublar together. And if dinosaurs are on the mainland now, we'll conquer that together too. You're stronger than your fears."

Yaz smiled and pulled Sammy close. There was one constant in her life when it came to dinosaurs: Sammy. When her PTSD got the better of her on Manta Corp's island, she was there to help ease her nerves and shift her attention toward other matters. Even if they were states apart, she knew Sammy would just be a phone call away. And that was enough.

"I'll always be here for you, mi rosa. For now, and forever."

[ssaalexblake]

on behalf of all the people who didn't realise they weren't straight until their early 20's (even despite how obvious it may be in hindsight) i wish a very happy Fuck You to all the self absorbed assholes saying Yaz's arc is bad or lacks agency or sucks as gay rep Because she didn't know this till she was 20ish and didn't admit it to herself until EOTD, like honestly, at this point go take a long walk off a short pier.

The people who didn't ~see~ thasmin before it was verbally recognised are merely irritating and exhibiting heterosexual blindness, You lot are out there insulting the experiences of many very Real people because it's not good enough for you.

Literally. What you're peddling is SO awful and said with the assumed moral high ground, and all i have to offer you is one huge 'ew' at that terrible behaviour.

Look, this is not actually about Yaz, but lol, Yaz was a bullied teenager on the verge of or actively suicidal, she is not shown to have One friend and her family are actively shocked she's taken friends home in arachnids because Yaz doesn't Have friends. That Yaz did not immediately clock she was into Thirteen and thought they were just good mates actually makes perfect sense bc she doesn't know what #besties feels like to differentiate the two things. Is that depressing? yeah, but the point is yaz built herself up into the person she is in tpotd in a coming of age type story, she Does have support and friends at the end, she Does know her sexuality better by the end, she Has achieved what she wanted in being able to help people. She grew and learnt! Good for her.

It's also like, personally think that it's a more valid interpretation of the show to say that Yaz was troubled and didn't want to admit this to herself before eotd because of 13's avoidance and behaviour, rather than anything else going on. Yaz is never shown to be repressing this because of the gayness, she's worried because 13 is squirrely and they fight so much and 13 Still doesn't open up to her.

Mostly, in the end, idgaf what you think of Yaz's arc but if it's related to one type of person's discovery of their sexuality being Better than another then honestly, you need to not subject other people to your 'takes', because all you're being is cruel and you don't even have the self awareness to realise.

Watch your damn words. I don't care if somebody realised they're not straight/not cis/not whatever when they're 99 years old. To use an internet cliche, that is Perfectly Valid and a story worth telling in any kind of media out there. If you want to watch the story of a queer character in dw very secure abt their sexuality and Not on a voyage of self discovery/coming of age narrative that happens to include that Discovery, go and watch Bill's episodes and stop saying shitty things about real people not being good enough for you.

[buggyboba]

✦ October 6th | Violence

AN 𓏧

↳ ○ | Day day six! My first dance with Thoschei, got in my feels about it, was supposed to be pure smut, have some feels too. Smut so MDNI.

SUMMARY𓏧

↳ ○ a dangerous meeting, tension is high, and then it snaps, rough hits turn into rough sex, biting, clawing, primal, neither one is unscathed.

PAIRING𓏧

↳ ○ The Doctor (Thirteen) x The Master (Dhawan!master)

TW𓏧

↳ ○ some non-con vibes, but like not really, dunno how to explain. P in V penetration. Biting, hitting, creampie.

WORD COUNT𓏧

↳ ○ 2500

A03 lINK𓏧

↳ ○ x

MASTERLIST LINK𓏧

↳ ○ x

★𓏧 𓏧 𓏧★ 𓏧 𓏧 𓏧★

It had to be on common neutral ground, He had reached out and contacted her. She knew it was a trap; how couldn’t it have not been? He dealt in traps; it was his flirting. However, she wanted to believe desperately that a fraction of Missy’s progress still lived in him; she had to wish that this was that. A lonely planet, where there would be no one he could hurt, no destruction he could do that could harm her fam, who she had left on earth, she said she was 'just popping out, had to check on some things', because if Yaz knew, if any of them knew who she was going to go see, well, that just couldn’t happen. She had to make sure they were far enough away and safe.

The Tardis landed with a whirring groan; even she was nervous about this meeting. She slipped out of the Tardis, and immediately her eyes fell on him, sitting on a rock boredly waiting.

“Am I still mad? No, you only destroyed Gallifrey; you turned our people into Cybermen; no, not mad,” she said, her eyes narrowing at her eyes at him, pushing his hand away from her. He tried to step closer, ignoring her anger. He leaned forward and placed a kiss against the side of her mouth, which she didn’t respond to; this made him frown.

“It always baffles me how you can be late with a time machine, love,” he said calmly, his dark eyes trained on her lighter eyes. He moved, standing with grace as he moved towards her, his steps calculated and fluid as he moved to circle her. The Doctor shook her head and watched him.

“What do you want? What was so earth-shatteringly important that you had to beg me to show up, Master?” She said his name with spite, a sort of hiss that used it as an insult. There was a flash in his eyes, a real sting of hurt before he masked it with a mock pout and puppy dog eyes at her.

"Well, my dear, it is simple; I...missed you,” he offered, which pulled a disbelieving laugh from the shorter woman’s lips. “You don’t sound convinced; should I prove it to you?” he said, circling around her, his hand trailing against her shoulder blades, to which she turned, catching his arm. He chuckled and stepped closer to her. “You are still mad?” He leaned to whisper in her ear.

“So cold, here I am trying to make you feel better, make you forgive me, and you are all ice,” he chuckled darkly. “No matter, you’ll forgive me, you always do, your flaw, you chose to see the good in me when there is none, always trying to appeal to my better nature, when we both know I don’t have one.” He tilted his head, his fingers trailing her jawline. She pulled back, and his hand followed, holding her chin, slipping down to grab her throat. Even if he knew he couldn’t squeeze the life out of her that way, it was a position of power. "Ah-ah, my dear, where are you trying to run off to?” he said and let his hand squeeze harder. He leaned forward, his lips pressed against her jaw as he forced her head back. The Doctor growled out and suddenly sunk her teeth in his cheek, causing him to pull away quickly, startled by the action. Though she followed her teeth, sinking into the crook of his neck and biting him through the jacket of his suit, his hand went into her hair, pulling it roughly to get her to let go. When she didn't, he breathed out, grabbing her shoulder to push her hard. “You want to play like that, my dear?” he smirked. Blood dripped from his cheek where she had bit, and he could feel the sting against the crook of his neck. He moved to bring them down to the ground hard, keeping her pinned beneath him. He straddled her lap, keeping her legs down by pinning them between his; his hands grabbed at her wrists, forcing them back down, pressing down against her as she tried to arch to escape. “No, go on, Thete.” The name was a deep growl as he bit her back suddenly, his teeth buried into her shoulder roughly. The Doctor had paused for a moment at the use of her old nickname; the way he had growled it out reminded her of restless nights and desperate moments, things she shouldn’t be thinking about currently.

He gripped her almost desperately, like his life depended on this moment. She pushed against him, and a pained sound escaped her lips as he bit harder. Pulling up, she got her arm free quick enough to deliver a blow across his face, knocking him back to the floor. A flood of manic laughter escaped him as he licked the blood from his lip. He sat up watching her as she held her neck where he bit. “What is this, Master?” She snapped, trying to get answers, but she already knew what this was. Throughout their dance across the stars, they found themselves falling for lies, what would become broken promises because neither one really could let the other go. They were connected, bound by fate in a tragic way, a way that had damaged them both so deeply, yet here they were again, pulled together. The Doctor was angry; the Master had gone too far this time, yet there he was, sitting on the ground just a bit away from her, laughing like he hadn’t destroyed their home, like he hadn’t violated the Time Lords in such a disgusting way, looking at her with those hungry eyes. He pounced, pulling her against him.

“You know what this is; it’s what it has always been and what it will always be... Look at me,” he said as she tried to look away. His hand gripped her throat, forcing her chin up with his thumb. “Look at me, Thete,” he breathed out. “This is what we do.” She knew what he was doing by calling her. Thete, he was trying to appeal to her nostalgia—the desire for a time when they weren’t locked in a war neither one of them could win. She wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of acknowledging it; it was just another manipulation tactic. He frowned and pulled her face up towards his before he crashed his mouth against hers, not letting her struggle against him again. He tasted like blood, whiskey, and the breath of a cigar he was no doubt smoking before she arrived. His tongue explored her mouth, and she considered biting as hard as she could, but when she thought this, his hand tightened around her throat, pushing against her jaw some. He could break her neck if he wanted to.

He moved his knee between her legs, pushing against her some, they both knew they would give in, it was just who would give in first, he wanted, no needed it, to be her so he could keep onto the feeling of control. She was formidable and wouldn’t be so easy to shake. He broke the kiss and trailed his tongue down her throat, moving to push up her shirt. After pushing her suspenders down, he put his hand on the back of her neck, pulling her up so he could push the offending clothing out of his way. She growled in a warning, her nails dug into his arm, he gave a hiss and suddenly sunk his teeth into the skin above her collarbone hard, if she wanted to hurt him, he could hurt her back. His hands moved, ripping at the bit of fabric in her bra; his mouth trailed with bites and kisses across her chest, his fingers kneading the soft flesh of her breasts. Feeling her beneath him, even if she hated him, felt like home, however broken it was now. She arched against him. How many times had they found themselves like this over their regenerations? Like moths to the flame, their dance was deadly and painful, a cycle of betrayal and toxicity, but it was theirs, and it was as close to in love as they were going to be. No, that wasn’t true; there was love, and that's why it hurt so badly every time they played this game, every time they stood against one another.

Her hands moved up to his hair, her fingers tangling in the dark locks, her nails scratching into his scalp as she pulled his head up from biting her, but his mouth covered hers again. She bit at his lower lip, and his tongue was in her mouth again. The familiarity of his taste confused her senses, and her hearts pounded. She knew she should run, leave, and go back to her companions, that this was just going to end the same way as it always did, and they would both be upset, though she would be the one that hurt him first, revenge for what he had done. She could be the first to leave this time and betray him with promises she subconsciously wanted to keep but knew she couldn’t. His hands moved down to undo his pants, pushing them down until they were past his ass, his hands immediately moving to get hers off. She lifted her hips to help him; he knew she wanted it as much as he did.

She moved with surprising strength and pushed him onto his back; her body followed, straddling his hips as she bit him again; she was angry; he knew any kiss he got was going to be him taking it from her; he moved his head as she bit his neck, so she had more room, leaving teeth marks and bruises signs of her love or hate; right now it didn’t matter which one it was, or even if there was a difference. The sound that escaped his lips when she sunk down on him suddenly was an uncharacteristic whine. His hands went to her hips, but she grabbed them, pinning them against his chest as she rocked against him. He knew what she was doing, taking away any control he had, but he was fine with that; he had her full attention, and that was what he wanted.

There were no sweet nothings, just grunts and groans as she moved, his hips rocking up to match her pace. When he tried to move his hands, she pressed them harder against his chest. “Thete,” he breathed out, his eyes closing as his back arched. He let out a frustrated growl.

“I’ll stop.” She warned. He opened his eyes and looked at her with a hurt puppy-dog look. “You get to do what I let you.” She said firmly, and he hissed out a low growl as she slowed down, her lips curled into a smirk, one he recognized. He relented, knowing she would make good on her threat; his eyes hungrily watched her writhe and ride him; his fingers interlocked with hers; she allowed it. She tilted her head back; there were no thoughts, just a primal need, so it seemed they weren’t above the need as they so proclaimed they were. Then again, nothing was normal with them; it had never been. They craved each other in ways that they would never admit, never fully say. Because neither of them wanted to give up their pride. He gasped out, feeling the tense feeling at the base of his spine.

“S-Slow down,” he mumbled in Gallifreyan; his brain couldn’t find the will to speak common Earth English; it was tedious, and he didn’t want to think about anything right now. He pulled her hands a bit, making her lean down, kissing her jaw, trying to get her to slow; he wanted to enjoy the moment after all, but she gave a rough roll of her hips. His fingers untangled with hers and trailed up her arms to her shoulders, one hand keeping her down against his chest. “Slow,” he repeated, drawing a growled-out breath from The Doctor. She obliged though, slowing; there was a light layer of sweat glistening on her skin from the movements. “There it is?” He breathed out, tilting his head back as he slowly moved; his fingers moved to where they were connected, his thumb rubbing small but firm circles against her clit.

The feeling kept building, and he groaned out. He could feel his muscles tighten more, his pleasure on the edge. He gripped her back tightly, “close.” He growled out against her ear, and she was close; he could feel it. With how her walls contracted and squeezed against his cock, he contemplated finishing in her. Though the complications that could bring about were not welcome right now, it could prove a fun plot for the future. No, he probably wouldn’t, but maybe. Her movements got faster before she yelled out, and her hand tightened against his chest as he felt her cum around him. Everything in him blanked for a moment at the delicious feeling that took him, and his body tensed more, thrusting as deeply as he could, holding her as her walls milked him; he couldn’t resist; he spilled into her, his teeth sinking into her shoulder. Their pants slowed after several minutes, and after a few silent moments, The Doctor got up, much to The Master’s dismay. “W-Where are you going?” he asked before he could stop himself. There was a flash of vulnerability in his words. Usually, there were sweet nothings and pretty promises; he could pretend she was his, at least for a while.

“No.” he said sharply. “You don’t get to decide that, it won’t matter anyway, we are destined to do this dance for the rest of our existence, so why can’t we enjoy these moments?” He said closing the distance, but she shook her head quickly turning to walk towards her tardis. “What running away again Thete?” He yelled after her, “You were always so good at it!” he snarled.

“Koschei,” There it was; she had finally called him his name after all of his poking and prodding with her old name. He felt a sort of shiver up his back, but the way she said it didn’t make him feel good about it, not like how she would whisper it in need. With such passion, the cold way she said it made his lip raise in a slight snarl.

“We both got what we wanted, yeah? Release… No need for me to stick around, fall for your pretty words, and no need for you to speak them; I think its time. she paused.

“Time for what?” He growled out. If she thought she could just end their games just like that, she was mistaken.

“That we stop.” She said calmly, grabbing her jacket. He moved to scramble up to his feet, fixing his pants.

“It’s The Doctor,” She said coldly as she reached the door. “And there won’t be any more moments, Master.” She said firmly, slipping into the tardis quickly to make her leave, leaving him there screaming at her as she left, it wouldn’t be the last time, but this time The Doctor left first, and she hurt him in a way that was deeper than physical, a small revenge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before they were forced into this dance once more.

★𓏧 𓏧 𓏧★ 𓏧 𓏧 𓏧★

Taglist𓏧

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If you want to be added to the rest here is the link to the tag list| x

[chickensarentcheap]

Sneak peek before all the crazy, scary shit happens.

@tragiclyhip @munstysmind @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @themaradwrites @theesirenteller @asirensrage @residentdormouse @thebejeweledwatercat @kmc1989 @karimac @ninjasawakenedmystar @alisbackalleybbq @mrsmungus

“It’s weird. Seeing you like this.”

“You’ve seen me like this before.  Maybe not in this exact outfit, but…”

“I really like the black. You look good in it.  It’s sexy.”

“You’re nervous, aren’t you.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“You talk about some crazy shit when you’re nervous.”

“What’s so crazy about?  It’s a compliment. You look amazing in black. Okay, so maybe it isn’t exactly the right TIME to be saying it…”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I appreciate the ego-stroking.”

“And it IS sexy.  When you’re all geared up.  It’s so intimidating and masculine and badass.  Not that you aren’t masculine or badass all the time, but it’s just heightened, you know? And with that jacket and the vest over it? You look even thicker.”

Smirking, he nods his thanks to Yaz when handed a communications system. Slipping the radio into a pouch on the front of his vest and popping in the earpiece before turning back to Esme. “Listen, if you call me fat one more time…”

“I’ve already explained this to you.  I’m not calling you fat. I’m calling you THICK.  It’s two totally different things.”

“In your warped little mind, anyway.”

“And even if you were, I’d still be madly in lust with you.”

“So we’ve narrowed it down, have we?” He chides, and snags a bulletproof vest from the supply case. “To just lust?”

“Well,  I DO love you.  That’s never in question. But sometimes the lust does have a slight edge.  Are you telling me that there are never times when you don’t lust me more than you love me?”

“I love  and lust you in equal amounts.”

“You are so diplomatic.”

“They’re both huge amounts, in case you haven’t figured that out.”

“You really ARE  just a big sap.”

“Remember how you said maybe it isn’t the time or place for certain talk?  Well, this is it. This is the time and place.  Are you honestly feeling that confident? Insulting the guy that’s in charge of keeping your ass in one piece?”

[metacrisisdoctor]

everytime i read a quote about the doctor and river it makes me rub my temples in frustration while also making me so so so deeply grateful that the doctor and rose's story ended how it did.

putting this under the cut, so if you do ship the doctor and river you don't have to read this.

the thing is: the doctor and river's relationship was a cool idea that moffat completely half assed, but at the same time he made it so that river is meant to be seen as more important than all of his other relationships up until his final life (without showing us the journey there) and i find that so insulting to the nature of the show. they are both locked into this "marriage" with such little choice in the matter, if any. it makes me sad for BOTH of them.

so according to moffat in the "end" river is uploaded to the library and the doctor is allegedly there too, his mind uploaded to the moon or whatever. but wtf kind of ending is that for the doctor? that's so odd to me. i don't ever WANT to know how things end for the doctor because the story should never have definite end, but moffat wanted to have the very last word in 2008 ig.

it confuses me further that he decided to write a pretty overt romantic storyline with eleven and clara in s7 which then continues onto twelve and clara. not because the doctor can't be in love multiple times or because i think it would bother river but because it makes it the relationship that is actually developed for THREE seasons.

i understand rtd being accepting of river during s4, since he was going to step down as showrunner seemingly forever. and i genuinely think that this is why rose and her doctor were sealed off the way they were even if he's never actually said it.

it's such a large part of why, to me, tentoorose is such a gift. it's so beautiful. because the "original" doctor has this future that is set in stone that tentoo never has to be part of. he is not only free from being essentially immortal, but he is free from being manipulated into a marriage with river and from being potentially uploaded into the library. and rose has the gift of having the last version of the doctor who does not know river aside from one episode. this doctor loves rose and rose alone. he will never be married to river, he will never have whatever romance went on with clara and yaz either. and i do believe that the doctor is allowed to fall in love multiple times in their many lives, which is where both doctor/river and "rose and all the doctors" does not work for me at all but then again, it doesn't matter because rose got her happy ending with the freest and happiest version of the doctor there ever will be and i'm so grateful for that when i remember how bonkers the plot became after season four.

some people say they dislike je because tentoo isn't rose's doctor when it's the complete OPPOSITE by now, and i cannot imagine rtd ever having a reason to undo that so when people suggest he would break them up for rose to be back with the "real" doctor i'm just like, you understood NOTHING. he wanted them to be safe and happy and HUMAN tucked into their own world that no one else but him would or could ever touch. because of journey's end the doctor and rose truly end up together in the most even, healthy and honest way possible. i just still feel so lucky 😭💗

[doctormastertardis]

There's just something about Yaz, even after a couple seasons, that is so mind numbingly boring????? She's so forgettable, that it makes me question the entire Thirteen/Yaz "romance" that I am supposed to be anticipating for? How do I explain this.... Yaz feels like she is just a "copy-paste" character, that's it. Yaz feels like a copy-paste character, just like Dhawan's Master 😭 and this isn't an insult to the actress.... she's just written in such a formulaic way that I was honestly more engaged with Rita's characterization in The God Complex IN ONE EPISODE than with Yaz in 2 bloody seasons... (I used to actually petition Rita to be a permanent companion because her chemistry with Matt was so natural)... and I can name a few other one-off characters that are more fully fleshed out and acted out than Yaz.... Sally Sparrow for instance. Rita and Sally are two of the "guest" characters that make an audience want to learn more about the world of DW....... Yaz is a copy-paste character that is quite honestly very forgettable. It's so unfortunate 😭

With that said, the only episode so far that is "Yaz centric" that I absolutely and "actively" watched was "demons of the Punjab" and even in that one, I found the young actress who played her grandmother more relatable and fleshed out than Yaz herself LOL.

idk I'm still trying to finish Chibnall's run and I'm stuck at Orphan 55 lol. A good "running" story keeps you engaged with the ON-GOING characters.... And Thirteen's adventures so far has kept me STUCK 🤣😭 and I think it's mostly got to do with Thirteen's companions, specifically Yaz? Graham is at least a character I can empathize with.... There's just nothing about Yaz that I want to explore 🤷‍♀️

Did DW change their casting director after Moffat's exit?

[thesouppond]

Sending my Gen:Lock headcanons out into the void cause I'm too excited to keep them in my head. Gonna queue a bunch to go out.

Cammie sleeps with one of those long plushies.

She'll also throw Nugget like she's throwing a pokeball, and the team have a second to react and dodge whenever they hear "NUGGET I CHOOSE YOU" if they don't want to be pegged in the back of the head by the robot.

Val/entina would need glasses if it wasn't for the implanted lenses

They have their lenses set to actually be sharper than the normal visual settings to help with aiming.

This means that they’re the first to notice minor details in a room

It also means they’re more sensitive to changes in lighting etc.

God forbid you turn the light on when they’re sitting in the dark

They will scream

There will be a knife embedded into the wall next to you

The team have learnt that if they’re walking into a dark room, to call out to check if they’re there and warn them first

While there's basically an infinite number of books on the ether for access, Yaz still prefers to read physical copies

Yaz carries around a couple books that are basically falling apart at the seams from being thumbed through so many times as a result

Chase keeps count of how many times they've handed him things forgetting he can't hold shit

Kazu's broken several glasses and mugs because of the above.

Miranda and Yaz meet up once a month to exchange information and vent about the shit the team's tried to pull recently

They all start swearing in each other's languages by instinct because 80% of what goes through their minds while mindshared in battle is the equivalent of 'fuck fuck fuck FUCK SHIT BITCH'

Migas also taught Cammie insults in Spanish, but her favourite is still yelling 'Tu madre’

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

which companions would accept that title do you think? it's said in the show but i think usually by a third party like not by the doctor or the companion themselves. maybe sometimes by the doctor but only when talking about past ones that arent companions anymore?

but i was thinking about donnas "dont say companion" and how yaz also definitely would hate the word but like, most companions would right? i imagine? like, call me the doctors friend be normal. on the other hand it's mel who uses the word first in the giggle, but i dont know if that word is used when shes travelling with the doctor originally

i know it's a word for us more than them but it does come up it is mentioned sometimes im pretty sure so i was just wondering

i feel like most of them would react to it with a sort of "how many have their been before me" kind of sentiment. like it's sort of insulting right?

[phaedo]

I think thasmin suffers from what a lot of modern canon lgbt+ stuff suffers from, which is a lack of any subtext, especially queer subtext. If it's all surface levels, it'll just end up feeling shallow and unfinished. And it doesn't help that the romance is literally unfinished in the end. He'll, yaz is barely allowed to be a character, and 13 doesn't even feel like the doctor most of the time, despite both actresses being amazing and talented. I wanna blame straight writers, but it just might just be the quality of writing. First Kill's creator was gay and the romance had not subtext and felt shallow there to me too (tho at least it actually was canon, not just ignored in the last episode)

you know what that's exactly it like. i get really into the doctorrose thing because i feel like there's such rich subtext to them, and a lot of it resonates with me as a lesbian (and i think also resonates with lgbt history etc). and that really is what i'm missing from not only thasmin but also chibnall era in general and a lot of popular wlw ships and wlw media. like i haven't seen first kill kind of because i don't really trust present-day wlw tv shows to like. have substance.

but the whole thasmin thing definitely does get me too because like. 100% mandip gill and jodie whittaker could have done thasmin with subtext. they could've delivered such a stunning and nuanced and tender performance. not only are they both skilled actresses, they're good friends in real life, and they have actual chemistry that we don't get to see! literally like... yaz reacting to stuff was the only saving grace of lotsd for me. i get really sad a lot about what i feel like we could've had.

and then you add insult to injury of course with the straight-up homophobia of power of the doctor-- like i already thought the ambiguity and refusal to let yaz have any agency etc was homophobic and weird but like. the way we all tuned in expecting them to resolve thasmin in literally any way at all and they straight-up never mentioned it, if you hadn't seen eotd and lotsd you literally wouldn't know that they'd done a romance arc, and furthermore they brought back two classic companions widely regarded as wlw both by fans and arguably by various writers of the show and acted like they were both completely straight. like it would've been fine if they hadn't mentioned any kind of attraction but with tegan mentioning two ex-husbands and ace flirting with graham it just felt like… obtuse if not deliberate.

anyway. yeah. you're 100% right. a lot of chibnall era feels like it's hitting you over the head with text and not giving any room to breathe and see nuances/subtext/etc. and it's so annoying. the doctor and yaz deserve better as characters and jodie whittaker and mandip gill deserve better as actors.

[730hcck]

yaz. her name is yaz.

call me whatever you want. claim i slept with whoever you think i've slept with. but for god's sake, if you can take 2 seconds out of your day to think of an insult, you can spend 2 seconds learning her name.

[myfandomrambles]

@tessellated-sunl1ght

tessellated-sunl1ght

Hello I would like to know why bc I love reading your takes (and the Tumblr in-blog tag search function is a dumpster fire on a good day).. if you’ve already made a post you can just link it, I’m super curious 👀

Okay this is a goddamn mess but I hope it is somewhat coherent.

So one of my biggest problems is that I don't think Donna should have gotten her memories back side-effect free. Like I love Donna's end, things can be heartbreaking and not happy for the characters and still be good. Like it feels like they wanted Catherine & David back because of ratings/streams etc. and I need a better reason. I LOVE Donna and I've said so on this blog but it feels so cheap.

And the reason why was so clunky. Like loving the recognition of a nonbinary Doctor but like the idea that they as women can like let go when 14 can’t because he’s male presenting? I just don’t understand. Not to mention I don't think Donna has ever let anything go in her life, and I love that about her. 

I do admit that I was sensitive to the whole getting your best friend back when my own died only a few months before. I'll own up to that personal bias but I do think it maybe just shouldn’t be done and characters’ stories don’t need to be undone after they’ve meant something. 

Another thing is bigeneration is stupid? Like why do we need 14 running around? Why does that need to be a thing? I don't care so much that it breaks tradition, it annoys me sure, but it pisses me off because there is no reason. And I hate the idea they can just use them whenever and also why would the current Doctor need to come back to earth if you have a full-blown regeneration of The Doctor with a TARDIS? ugh

Like I don't read this as a poignant story about healing. And fuck do I understand running on fumes. But I relate to 12 being tired and not wanting to carry on much more. Also like Donna's gonna die soon in terms of how long a regeneration can last. So is Rose. So why does this break heal them and not like Darillium? Why are those 24 years worth less?

Not to mention guarding the vault for 60ish years. I get no loved one outside of Nardole but like he did stay there and teach and watch over Missy. So like I just I don't even know. 

And the flippant listing of all the trauma? That’s supposed to be moving because they hang on Adric’s name?  Like I've talked about those a lot on this account and listed them but like I'm making a blog post so be better! Think of better ways to reference all the past The Doctor's pain, I appreciate them noting all of the trauma but it doesn't feel like it's really artfully dealing with it

Just vaguely alluding to The Doctor getting better for some reason now? like there is so much more wrapped up in dealing with millennia of trauma than just having a good friend.

They even say in Wild Blue Yonder that it will take a million years to get better!

Then you have the lines about family and being happy in the end of The Giggle

DOCTOR 14: I love them. But here we are, Grandad and all. Who'd have thought? I ended up with a family.

&

DOCTOR 14: The funny thing is, I fought all those battles for all those years, and now I know what for. This. I've never been so happy in my life.

Like, do The Doctor's actual children and grandkids not count?

And the Ponds are similar to the Noble/Temples and they just do not count? And if they don't count, why?

Not to mention like all of the companions Ian & Barbara -> Yaz? Like why aren't they family?! So none of that time was as happy as this? Did The Doctor just not love all of those people as much as Donna?

We even have Sarah calling all 10's friends his family:

SARAH: You know, you act like such a lonely man. But look at you. You've got the biggest family on Earth. (Journey’s End)

It's frankly insulting to every person who's poured their heart and soul into this to say that only now he has a family and only now he's happier than ever before.

Only this character matters, and like I've literally written a post just about 10 & Donna's relationship and how singular it is, but that doesn't make her more important, it doesn't make her better than everyone else.

And I think 15 should have gotten classic regeneration moments and his own TARDIS interior. Like Yeah Ncuti Gatwa is killing it and many people were super excited about getting to see him for a full episode, it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t gotten his own TARDIS interior!

And if you're going to have 14 stay on Earth WTF does he get a TARDIS? Like if you're going to say staying still is healing then make him stay!

Okay, that was too long but my brain is still buzzing. I've been a fan for most of my life and it's been a companion for many of my worst moments. So I know I'm overly emotional but I think there are parts that aren't good.

[the-lavender-creator]

I was actually gonna give you a Thasmin prompt. But you seem to be doing just fine with infinite thunder angst.

(Jk here’s the prompt. But just a heads up I want you to write literally any thunder angst idea you have before this)

Basically!

Yay and the doctor are at the store. Being cute and stuff. And and Yaz gets all tense all of a sudden. Thirteen is super confused. But then this girl comes up and starts passively agressively questioning Yaz and making insulting comments.

and Thirteen is still confused cause her Yaz would never let someone talk to her like that. But right now Yaz looks terrified and is all small and hidey. And it’s when the girl introduces herself as Izzy Flint that she understands.

Izzy continues to berate and humiliate Yaz. The doctor steps the fuck in and tells her to fuck off or else

somethinb like thag

AW FUCK I FORGOT TO REMIND YOU OF MY WRITING BLOG BEFORE ASKING FOR PROMPTS

It's okay I'll reblog it over there when I've gotten this written

[circular-time]

I just ran across this reading, and it's all very painful but rings rather true, considering when and where Tegan grew up. she's about ten years older than me, and I managed not to learn about women loving women until college. 

if you lived in a rural area or a conservative community or a small town, it was very easy not to meet anyone who was out of the closet. You might hear "gay" thrown around as an insult, but it seemed to mean "effeminate man," tapping into attitudes about gender norms. I didn't realize it was sexual.

I was probably a little more naïve than most, but Tegan's background growing up on a cattle station means she must've been equally isolated before college in Brisbane ( that's from audio dramas continuity, but the pilot's license reference seems to fit)

Splicing the latest minisode onto your headcanon, I think I could tie up minor contradictions …

Speaking of the audio dramas, almost as soon as they find Nyssa again 50 years later in her own timeline, (a whole arc crammed between Enlightenment and King's Demons because Mark was disappointed he never got to act with Sarah)—

the Mara bubbles back up within 2 episodes of Nyssa's return, and Tegan starts flirting with her while possessed. (It's only one scene, but it's a heck of a story. Cradle of the Snake. Highly recommended.) They keep trying to protect each other from the Mara. And there's lovely scattered angsty moments in future stories, too.

During one of those good angsty scenes when Nyssa's not sure she's going to survive, she confides to Tegan about her husband and children, asking her to take a message to them [established in audios recorded by Peter and Sarah during the decade before Janet caved and agreed to reprise Tegan in audios].  So Tegan is up against more lost opportunities, both because Nyssa's married and because there's now a significant age gap between them.

Although I still think the marriage thing wouldn't have been insurmountable if the Doctor weren't such a crap pilot — in an echo of Heathrow — and had returned Nyssa home when she asked. Nyssa's very sensible and sweet husband might've welcomed Tegan. Not that Big Finish, Janet or Sarah would ever have thought of a polycule. and anyway, the age gap would still be awkward.

But Nyssa is one of Big finish's favorite punching bags, since Sarah was the first companion to sign on and has recorded more audios than almost anybody, so she was never going to have a happily ever after. Nyssa does indeed get lost in another universe doing something heroic, and the Doctor and Tegan don't know if she's alive or dead. Small wonder that Tegan leaves a few serials after that audio arc rejoins TV continuity, saying it's no fun anymore.

Which joins back up with your sad read of Tegan's life.

To me, your throughline sounds like she tried to get on with life as Nyssa did, except she's not Nyssa. For Nyssa, children and family were precious, because she lost both parents and wanted to perpetuate life and Traken. Her career was partly motivated by what happened to Traken and her father — saving lives to make up for all those lives the Master snuffed out with her father's hands.

Tegan had her own strong sense of justice — even while stranded and scared on Logopolis, she was pointing out the place looked like a sweatshop with exploited workers — but not Nyssa's personal need to undo the Master's genocide, her Trakenite instincts towards nurture and nature, or the "Keep calm and carry on" 'stoicism that Nyssa had demonstrated when they first met. Tegan channelled anger instead, making her more a problem solver and buttinsky than a space mom and a healer.

And so Tegan hammers out her own path, until finally late her own life she meets the Doctor again, sees something of herself in Yaz, and is reminded of lost chances forty years ago. She knows damn well what that feels like.

And then Tegan's mind starts playing tricks on her. Age gap? Not any more. Husband? Not really. Nyssa's shut away from her former life as surely as if a Weeping Angel had taken her. If only there were some way to reach her.

Her Doctor couldn't, but this Doctor's much older too, more experienced, for all that she looked to be just as daft as the old blondie. Maybe the idiot could actually pull it off now. There wasn't time to ask, but next time she'll ask— no, demand— they make another attempt to find Nyssa.

(And who knows, maybe a future Doctor does so, and the Sarah Jane story happens after that.)

But for now, Tegan falls asleep, exhausted after Yaz drops her off, and the Mara picks up that thought, picks out her last clear memory of Nyssa, slyly suggests she's still on Terminus (so easy to reach, and such a useful home base for a parasite) and not dead or lost or married, and preys on hope.

Yes?

Tegan Jovanka: the mara, the eternals and internalised homophobia

This post will not be discussing every bit of evidence for tyssa, this will be focused more on my interpretations of episodes (mainly snakedance, mawdryn undead, terminus and enlightenment) in the context of Tegan being a lesbian. If you want me to expand any further on anything please just ask, i'm trying to keep this a bit more streamlined.

Snakedance - what does the mara prey on again?

The mara is meant to be a stand in for shame. What has Tegan got to be ashamed of? If you think that shame is internalised homophobia it fits perfectly. The mara (while possessing Tegan) is intrinsically sexualised, this was discussed in the kinda making of documentary and can just be seen in the serial (its not particularly well hidden subtext). The mara has been stated many times to function by forcing people's subconscious desires to the surface. And who does Tegan go running for in snakedance? Nyssa. This is seen more outwardly in the big finish audio “cradle of the snake” in which the mara becomes obsessed with Nyssa (for no other reason than it being influenced by Tegan) and , possessed, Tegan pushes Nyssa up against a wall and starts going on about how much fun they could have together if she stayed. Going back to snakedance though, the maras possession of Tegan seems completely linked to Nyssa. For example, “Look at me” is a constant theme throughout the episode. The mara (shame) must have people look at it to possess them, this links to the fact that one must confront their shame in order to get over it but if not done probably it will consume them. The mara is the only character to say this throughout the serial, except one other person. Guess who? Nyssa. After Tegan first sees the mara in the crystal ball and becomes partially possessed she goes running to Nyssa. This interaction then follows:

Nyssa: Tegan, what's the matter with you? What's been going on? Tegan, look at me.

Tegan: Nyssa, help me. Help me. I made it appear.

Nyssa: What?

Tegan: You fool. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

There's many interesting parts to pick out here. First the “what's been going on?”, “been” suggests that somethings been wrong for a while, that Tegans has been acting weird towards her for some time. Then the “look at me”, this is the first time it is used in the serial, my thoughts is that the mara uses this after to taunt Tegan. This is also what gets Tegan to snap out of being possessed for a second. She has looked at Nyssa (confronted her shame) to be free of the mara. But Tegan just can’t do it. She goes back into mara mode and the first thing she does is to get Nyssa to stop touching her, forceable pushing her off. The repetition of “leave me alone” is also interesting, with “just” as well. The mara is pushing out Tegans internalised homophobia, the shame in her thinking that if Nyssa “just leaves her alone” all will be ok.

Moving on from this, we then see the problems within Nyssa and Tegan's relationship start to show. Nyssa is extremely protective of Tegan, shouting at the doctor to leave her alone when he's pushing Tegan to talk about the Mara at the beginning. Both of them deal with their shame (survivors guilt and internalised homophobia) by ignoring it. But this isn’t how you deal with shame. Both Tegan and Nyssa encourage each other's unhealthy coping mechanisms and this leads us to Mawdryn undead.

Mawdryn undead - How shame destroys a relationship

We begin Mawdryn undead with discussion of the Mara:

Tegan: Doctor? I am free of the Mara, aren't I?

Doctor: Tegan, Tegan, Tegan.

Tegan: I'm scared.

Doctor: There isn't any need to be.

Tegan: I'm still having terrible dreams.

…

Tegan: The feelings of hate. Doctor, I couldn't go through it again.

Doctor: Well, you're completely free of it now, Tegan. For you, the Mara is dead forever.

Nyssa: For all of us, I hope.

This clearly shows that Tegan is not free of the Mara, she is still swamped in shame. She didn’t confront her shame so it's still here. Now another interesting addition is Nyssa saying that the mara is dead “for all of us”, this shows that the mara deeply affected her too as it affected her relationship with Tegan. Then we get onto:

Tegan: Can you take me back to Earth?

Nyssa: You want to leave us?

Tegan: I want to rest. I want to be surrounded by familiar things.

Nyssa: You'll forget the Mara, Tegan. It won't always be as painful as it is now.

To escape the mara Tegan thinks she needs to get away from Nyssa, Nyssa encapsulates all her shame. Perhaps she has never clocked onto her feelings towards women before coming on to the TARDIS, maybe she thinks that this is all Nyssa's fault. That Nyssa has confused her, all very familiar feelings for a person first coming to terms with their sexuality. Nyssa isn’t familiar and that scares Tegan to death. Nyssa sees her encouraging of Tegan to ignore the mara backfiring on her. She wants Tegan to ignore the shame she feels about being with Nyssa but for Tegan, Nyssa and her shame are one in the same. Nyssa is so desperate for Tegan to stay that she still pushes this unhealthy coping mechanism because she doesn’t know what else to do.

The most heartbreaking thing about Mawdryn undead is how much Nyssa and Tegan obviously care for eachother, they love each other so much but Tegan just can’t deal with it anymore. Tegan starts being cold to Nyssa and starts snapping at her (something we have never seen before). Tegan is so scared to love Nyssa. She takes all the shame out on her, the events of snakedance brought all of this back to the surface.

Terminus - love will tear us apart

Nyssa can’t deal with it anymore. She can’t deal with Tegan taking her shame out on her. They both love eachother so much but they are bad for each other, so Nyssa decides she has to leave. Nyssa departure is the only companion departure (well up to yaz and dan in potd) that is focused on a companion leaving another companion rather than the doctor. I feel this tv tropes page (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/HoYay/DoctorWho) explains the departure the best so I'll quote from that. “Despite knowing the Doctor longer and having spent more time with him — all those adventures while Tegan was on Earth — Nyssa is able to remain calm and collected while saying goodbye to him, asking him politely not to be upset and to let her leave in good faith, to part as friends. Then she has to say goodbye to Tegan and breaks down sobbing into her chest. Tegan's horrified head-shaking in the background when Nyssa tries to tell her that she's chosen to stay on Terminus, and her desperation when she asks the Doctor not to let Nyssa stay on Terminus to die, and her growing realisation that Nyssa's really not coming with them. By the time Nyssa asks them to stop trying to convince her so they can part as friends, loud angry defiant Tegan Jovanka can barely manage to whisper "...Please, Nyssa...?" And of course, their tearful goodbye.

Tegan: She'll die here.

Nyssa: [voice breaking] Not easily, Tegan. Like you, I'm indestructible.”

Tegan has pushed Nyssa away, and she can’t handle it.

Enlightenment - i don’t know how to stop loving you

The usually loud and confident Tegan is now left timid and simply after Nyssas departure. This character change stays till she leaves, she recovers a bit but she is never the same as she was. She has gotten rid of the shame that stared her in the face everyday but shes still the same, shes still a lesbian and we see this perfectly demonstrated in enlightenment.

The Marriner works as an extended metaphor for Tegans compulsory heterosexuality. This man who is obsessed with her, well rather than with her more the concept of her. Tegan shows no interest in him though; she's disgusted with any of his advances. But he just keeps following her around, begging to have access to her mind.

OFFICER: You're right. Take the woman to Mister Marriner.

Tegan: No!

Heterosexuality is forced on Tegan throughout the serial.

Marriner: I hope you'll forgive me for saying so, but I've never experienced such a mind as yours before.

Tegan: And you never will again.

Marriner: I find it such a fascinating place. Full of niches. Life. It fascinates me. What are you doing?

Tegan: Work it out for yourself.

Marriner: You've killed your thoughts. You're hiding them from me.

Tegan: And that's the way it will remain until I find out exactly what's going on here.

Marriner: Fascinating. I had no idea Ephemerals could be so entertaining.

To get slightly sidetracked, the whole metaphor of the Marriner seems to depict the entitlement of men. Maybe the metaphor with the eternals on that ship in general. Men feed off women, they have been socialised to feel entitled to women in every single way, both sexually and socially. Men are made to view women as objects made for them to play with just how the eternals see ephemerals as playthings. Their life experiences fascinate them but only to the point in which it is pleasurable for them. Ephemerals (women) don’t matter to them unless they are fulfilling their desires.

Were presented with the metaphor of drink as accepting advances:

Tegan: I want to die.

Marriner: Drink this.

Tegan: What is it?

Marriner: A mixture.

(Tegan sniffs the glass and recoils.)

Tegan: Rum?

Marriner: Drink it.

Tegan: No, thanks.

Marriner: It'll make you feel much better.

Tegan: Really? Then drink it yourself.

Marriner: It's quite safe.

(Marriner takes a sip.)

Marriner: Drink it. It'll make you feel much better.

(Tegan drinks.)

Tegan does not want to drink and when she's eventually coerced into it she looks disgusted, she hates it. Though later, when she's become intoxicated she says “that was a marvellous drink”, though we’ve seen it obviously wasn’t. This shows how pervasive compulsory heterosexuality is and how it can trick people into believing they enjoyed something they hated. Now compare this to later with Captain Wrack:

Tegan: Who's that?

Marriner: Your host, Captain Wrack.

Tegan: She's beautiful.

Doctor: She's also an Eternal. Tegan.

(The Doctor takes Tegan's champagne glass before she can take a sip.)

Tegan outrightly calls another woman beautiful and then goes for a drink. Not calling the doctor homophobic but if we look at him as a stand in for society views in this metaphor, he takes the drink off her. He's trying to stop her from pursuing Wrack. Tegan then allows herself to be taken away from the party into a separate room by Wrack… you take from that what you will. She is defying the heterosexuality pushed onto her and also trying to get over Nyssa. For the first time in the serial Tegan seems slightly happy and confident. But the Marriner doesn’t leave her alone, he wants him to go away but he doesn’t. She only gets away from him because the TARDIS leaves at the end of the story but the real compulsory heterosexuality doesn’t go away.

Power of the doctor - all of my heroes die all alone

Now after all of this I'm going to fit potd into my thoughts about Tegans arc. Just because I'm fitting the events of potd into it doesn’t mean I like what was done nor do I agree with the retconning. Though i think it fits in interestingly, i believe we should move on from Lesbian relationships being doomed, it isn’t the 80s anymore.

Tegan came back from the TARDIS to 1980s Australian, internalised homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality never left her. Without the safe space of the TARDIS she now had to contest with real world homophobia and she couldn’t. She went through 2 husbands, trying to deny who she really was. She has an adopted son because she couldn’t stand her husbands going near her. She lives a sad, miserable life like the master says because she never could beat the mara. It never left, only Nyssa did. She leaves the seat next to her at the companion support group empty, in desperate hope that Nyssa might come back and sit in it. Tegan's story shows us what happens when we don’t deal with our shame, if you can’t accept who you are you’ll only lose those who you care about and the shame won’t leave with them. The shame will stay and fester and you’ll be alone.

@headcanonsandmore